Until Vesuvius

The Jelly Dialogues - Calling Gaius

2012-01-27T23:03:00.000-08:00

Sensitive chap, observed Le Bon David.

They both are, said The Velodrone. Like most young men these days.

Nonsense papa, said Belle et Bonne. They're overtired. They put a lot more into the Tour Down Under than you and Uncle David.

True my dear, said The VeloDrone. David and I didn't try very hard this year. Perhaps it's time we gave it up. We're getting on in years....

Yes, how old are we now? asked Le Bon David.

Don't ask, said The VeloDrone. But the eighteenth century seems a very long time ago. My bones....

Stop being so maudlin, said Marie. We have work to do. We have a magazine to publish, and nothing to print, so far. We need to get on to some people and hurry them up.

Yes, said Belle et Bonne. All these people who've promised us articles, who were they......oh yes, Camus, and Flaubert and Splosh! and that naughty Gaius, I wonder what he's been up to? I thought we might see him at the Tour.

Ah, said Marie. He took up with Margaret, remember.

Ooh yes! said Belle et Bonne. Margaret. Perhaps they've become lovers.

I'll wager they haven't, said The VeloDrone.

The idea! said Le Bon David.

Well, said Marie. That's easy to settle. Let's give him a call.

The Jelly Dialogues - Bob

2012-01-26T21:50:00.000-08:00

Sweezus swam out to the two little girls in pink hats, who were not in any sort of trouble.

Do you need help? asked Sweezus?

No, said the first little girl.

Don't talk to him, said the second little girl.

Sorry, said Sweezus. I was just hoping I could help you.

DADDY!!! screamed the first little girl.

I'm going, I'm going, said Sweezus, turning and swimming away.

There was a time, he thought to himself, when this type of thing didn't happen. When children weren't scared of nice people.

He decided to swim to the jetty, before getting out of the water. Then he would go home. Then he would sit down and write something. And he would send it to The VeloDrone. And be recognised as a force to be reckoned with. In the literary world.

He swam towards the jetty, freestyle.

.........

What's he doing out there? asked Surfing-With-Whales.

Saving face, said Marie. We won't see him for days.

I'm off too now, said Surfing-With-Whales. Come and see me at Victor. I'll give you a freebie.

Thanks Bob, said Marie.

Bye Bob, said Belle et Bonne.

Goodbye Bob, said The Velodrone. Thank you for your efforts in the Tour Down Under.

All the best, Bob, said Le Bon David.

Who told you my name was BOB? asked Surfing-With-Whales, scowling darkly.

Sweezus, said Marie. Aren't you comfortable with it?

The mongrel ! growled Surfing-With-Whales. No, I never liked Bob. It's not cool for a surfer.

I don't know, said Belle et Bonne. Surfing-With-Bob. It would be a truer description.

If you weren't such a honey, said Surfing-With-Whales. I'd tell you just where to stick it. Goodbye.

The Jelly Dialogues - Girls in Trouble

2012-01-25T22:26:00.000-08:00

What is it, papa? asked Belle et Bonne. What have you found?

I don't know, said The VeloDrone. It's all soggy.

That's my card, said Surfing-with-Whales. Those little monkeys! They lost it!

I suspect that they threw it away, said Marie. I heard them saying they didn't like whales.

Don't like whales! said Surfing-With-Whales. They didn't say that to me!

They were probably too scared to say it to you, said Marie. You have no head for business. You shouldn't approach little girls.

Yeah, you're right, agreed Surfing-With-Whales. I need a partner.

He looked at Sweezus.

Don't look at me, said Sweezus. I have too much to do.

What? What do you have to do? asked Surfing-With-Whales.

I have to get on with my writing, said Sweezus. I did this creative writing course last year. I got really good marks for my zoo assignment.....

Oh yes, said The Velodrone. Weren't you going to write something for us! What happened to that?

He got writer's block, said Le Bon David.

No I didn't, said Sweezus. It's coming along nicely.

What's it about? asked Surfing-With-Whales.

Yes, what's it about? asked The Velodrone.

Sweezus looked out to sea. It was getting choppy. Like chopped green jelly. Except it was wet.
The two little girls in pink hats were out way too far.

Oh look, he said. Those two little girls in pink hats are in trouble!

He hoped that they were. He splashed out towards them and dived under a wave.

The Jelly Dialogues - Card

2012-01-24T21:32:00.001-08:00

What happened? Are they crying? asked Belle et Bonne, when Sweezus came back.

They thought I was pulling their legs, said Sweezus ruefully.

But you weren't, said Marie.

No, I wasn't, said Sweezus. But their legs are a sensitive point. They've all lost a few. In fact I was offering them a freebie for Surfing With Whales.

What? said Surfing-With-Whales. That's way out of order! Dude! I have to make a living!

Don't worry, said Sweezus. They weren't interested. Even when I pointed out that you don't actually go near the whales.

Oh excellent! said Surfing-With-Whales. Shut up why don't you! Those little kids'll hear you.

What little kids? asked Sweezus, looking around.

Those two little girls in pink hats, said Belle et Bonne. Surfing-With-Whales has just given them his card.

You have a CARD? said Sweezus, impressed.

Yeah, said Surfing-With-Whales. In business you have to think of these things.

What's it made of, just as a point of interest? asked Sweezus.

Card, said Surfing with Whales. What else would it be made of?

Plastic, said Sweezus. Then when it got wet....

Hey dude! Good point! said Surfing-With-Whales.

Look what I found, said The VeloDrone, wading towards them through the jelly green water.

The Jelly Dialogues - Freebie

2012-01-23T23:05:00.000-08:00

Hey there! Team Crustacean! called Le Bon David. Come over here!

You come over here! shouted Ageless. Arrogant philosophers!

Oh, I say! said Le Bon David. Touchy! Never mind.

I'll go said Sweezus. They'll be feeling let down.

He walked over to where Team Crustacean were standing in the jelly green water, staring out to sea as Starpuss gently floated towards the horizon.

Hi guys, said Sweezus. Bad luck about your crash. You were going so well.

Piss off! said Decca. It was all your fault.

No it wasn't, said Karko, it was that other bastard who kicked the box-on-wheels.

Was that a factor? asked Sweezus, surprised.

As if you didn't know, said Decca.

Well, I'm sorry if my friend was the reason for your accident, said Sweezus. I'm sure he'd like to make it up to you.

Yeah right, sneered Karko.

No really, said Sweezus. Do you ever go down to Victor Harbor? My friend runs a business called Surfing with Whales. He'd be happy to give you a freebie.

Crabs and lobsters do not go surfing with whales, said Ageless stiffly.

No, we don't said Decca.

Too right, said Karko. We don't.

Ah, said Sweezus. That's the beauty of it. You don't actually go surfing with whales.

Why don't you just rack off! said Decca, crossly. We don't like having our legs pulled.

The idea of having their legs pulled sent Decca and Karko and Ageless into spasms of grief. They wept uncontrollably.

Sweezus felt sorry, but there was little he could do. He waded back to his friends.

The Jelly Dialogues - Part One

2012-01-22T22:58:00.000-08:00

The Tour Down Under is over. Team Philosophe, Belle et Bonne and Marie are down at the beach, relaxing. At the moment they are all standing up to their waists in the sea. Team Crustacean are also at the beach, saying goodbye, a short distance away.

Belle et Bonne: How beautiful it is here. So much cooler.

Marie: Yes, the water is like jelly.

Sweezus: Jelly?

Surfing-With-Whales: She's right. Green jelly. Lime jelly. Just before it sets.

Sweezus: You're very imaginative. Okay, what if it sets?

The VeloDrone: What's this about jelly?

Le Bon David: Belle thinks the water is like jelly.

Marie: No, that was me.

Sweezus: But what if it sets?

Le Bon David: It's more lemon than lime.

Surfing-With-Whales: That's because you're facing the shore. And it's shallower there.

Belle et Bonne: How observant you are!

Sweezus( gloomily) : Everyone's observant but me.

The VeloDrone: Is that a new swimsuit Marie?

Marie: Yes, do you like it?

The VeloDrone: It blends in with the colours of the sea.

Belle et Bonne: Lime green? It's not lime green, papa.

Marie: No, it's more olive green. And off white. In an Aztec pattern.

Sweezus: It's a nice swimsuit, Marie. You hardly look any different from the sea.

Marie: Thanks Sweezie. You are observant.

The VeloDrone: That's what I said! How is it I don't get any thanks?

Marie: Everyone knows you're observant.

Le Bon David: Hey everyone! Look over there! Isn't that Team Crustacean?

And so it was. There was Ageless waving goodbye to Karko and Decca, and there was Starpuss, in a box without wheels, floating slowly out to sea .

Stage Six - Chances

2012-01-21T17:46:00.000-08:00

It's the final day of the Tour Down Under. Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen are chatting before the race.

Phil Liggett: Well Paul, what did you think of the performance of Team Crustacean yesterday?

Paul Sherwen: Yes, Phil, what a disaster for Team Crustacean, who were doing so well and were such great favourites with the crowd, until that terrible tumble at the bottom of Old Willunga Hill.

Phil Liggett: Yes, legs everywhere! Some of them were actually detached, I believe. Fortunately not the legs of any of the spectators.

Paul Sherwen: Ha ha! Fortunate indeed! It just shows what a dangerous sport cycling can be.

Phil Liggett: And Starpuss? Any news of her condition?

Paul Sherwen: Dead or comatose. In other words, much the same as before. But the box-on-wheels is now just a box.

Phil Liggett: Oh dear. And Sweezus, from Team Philosophe? What do you think of his chances today?

Paul Sherwen: He's got a good chance of winning Skoda King of the Mountain. I hear he's been saving his legs.

Phil Liggett: They all do that, Paul.

Paul Sherwen: I said saving not shaving.

Phil Liggett: I heard you. Saving.

Paul Sherwen: Well, they don't all do that. Take Team Crustacean.

Phil Liggett: Ha ha! Indeed.

Stages Four and Five - Emotional

2012-01-20T21:41:00.000-08:00

Stage Four. Team Crustacean are labouring up Menglers Hill near Tanunda. Decca is finding it hard to keep going.

Decca: Is there anything to eat?

Karko: Here, have a Power Bar. How's Starpuss?

Decca: Right now I don't give a toss.

Ageless: That's no way to talk. She might hear you.

Decca: You reckon?

Karko: You're the one who brought her!

Decca: Yeah, but...she's a friggin' dead weight.

Ageless: She'll be good on the downhill run.

Decca: How come I'm the one who has to pull her?

Karko: You always were!

Decca: Bull!

Ageless: That's enough of that sort of talk! Shut up and pedal!

At this point Team Crustacean is passed by Oscar Freire, of team Katusha, who wins the Stage. Well done him.

......

Stage Five. McLaren Vale to Willunga. If Team Crustacean don't win today, they are stuffed. They have high hopes, however.

Ageless: Now Decca, when we get to the top of the Hill, I want you to accidentally let Starpuss go.

Decca: What?

Karko: Brilliant plan. She's registered as a rider after all. If she gets to the finish first, we win the stage!
.......

Sweezus and Surfing-With-Whales are right behind them. They overhear Team Crustacean's cunning plan.

Sweezus: The knobheads! They think the race finishes at the bottom.

Surfing-With-Whales: So do I.

Swezus: Well it doesn't, it finishes at the top.

Surfing-With-Whales: This never happens in surfing.

Sweezus: Shut up and pedal!

Just then they are passed by Alejandro Valverde, from Team Movistar, who wins the Stage in an emotional finish. Well done him.

Stage Three - Psychology

2012-01-19T18:53:00.000-08:00

Stage Three from Unley to Victor Harbor is over. Andre Greipel has won again. Now it is Pasta Party night in Norwood. The Parade is thronged with people. Belle et Bonne and Marie are sitting at an outdoor table with The Velodrone and Le Bon David, eating pasta and drinking white wine.

Belle et Bonne: And then he said, "As if that could happen!". It was all I could do not to laugh.

The VeloDrone: Dear me! How absurd. Do you think he was having you on?

Le Bon David: Sweezus isn't the type to have anyone on. Perhaps he's forgotten.

The VeloDrone: Maybe he meant, "As if that could happen to a starfish!".

Belle et Bonne: Yes, maybe that's what he meant. Here he comes. Why don't you ask him.

Sweezus and Surfing-With-Whales rock up, and sit down at the table.

Sweezus: What's everyone having?

Marie: Seafood pasta. Want some?

Surfing-With-Whales (glancing towards Team Crustacean, who are sitting uncomfortably at the next table) : Seafood? Would that be lobster or crab?

Belle et Bonne: Shush! They'll hear you.

Surfing-With-Whales: It's cool. It's psychology.

Le Bon David (nodding sagely) Ah yes! Psychology.

The VeloDrone: Now then, Sweezus, what's this about Starpuss? Has she come back to life or not?

Sweezus: No, no way.

Ageless Lobster( from the next table): Why don't you ask us?

Decca: Yeah. She's right here in the box. Wanna look?

Surfing-With-Whales gets up and walks over to the box. He kicks it savagely. A burbling sound comes from the depths of the box.

Starpuss: Burble burble.

Surfing-With-Whales: Christ!

Sweezus: Ventriloquism.

Ageless: Ha ha! Psychology!

Stage Two - As if that could happen

2012-01-18T19:05:00.000-08:00

Sergeant Woodie heard a noise coming from the storeroom. He went out the back to investigate.

Hello? he said.

Starpuss twitched slightly. A bubble rose from somewhere down below.

This won't do, said Sergeant Woodie to himself. She'll never keep till Christmas. And in any case she's hardly a suitable gift for a kiddie in hospital.

He picked up the phone.

....

Sweezus and Surfing-With-Whales coasted along in the main peloton, somewhere between Lobethal and Stirling. It was cooler today.

Whoa! Eyeballs out! said Sweezus, as Will Clarke powered past.

Freakazoid! said Surfing-with-Whales.

And I thought Team Crustacean was the one to beat, said Sweezus.

Yeah, but that was before they lost their precious Starpussy, sneered Surfing-With-Whales.

Let's hope then, said Sweezus, that they don't get her back.

......

Belle et Bonne and Marie were waiting at the finish line.

Will Clarke had won the stage and was already being interviewed.

My strength is to keep on going, he was saying.

Belle et Bonne giggled.

What's so funny about that? frowned Marie.

Sweezus and Surfing-With-Whales crossed the finish line together.

Any news about Starpuss? asked Sweezus, when he'd stopped puffing.

She's being returned, said Marie. And there's a rumour going round that she's come back to life!

As if that could happen! scoffed Sweezus.

Stage One - She Wakes

2012-01-17T21:50:00.000-08:00

Stage One of the Tour Down Under was a ride from Prospect to Clare. It was a very hot and windy day. Team Philosophe was riding near the back.

The VeloDrone: Now, the plan is to keep towards the back, then ride a little faster at the end.

Le Bon David: I'm for that!

Surfing-With-Whales: That's not a plan!

The VeloDrone: It's far too hot to bother much today. You younger ones go on ahead.

Surfing-With-Whales: What do you reckon, Sweezo?

Sweezus: Let's go!

They surge forward......

Sweezus and Surfing-With-Whales are up near the front. The race has 20 kilometres to go. Someone falls! Crash! Oh no!

Three riders are injured. The rest of the peloton is held up.

Andre Greipel wins again, in a photo finish this time.

Sweezus and Surfing-With-Whales are elated. They've finished in the top twenty!

But what's this? The first ninety riders are all given the same time, because the crash was so close to the end.

Far out! This would never happen in surfing, said Surfing-With-Whales.

......

Team Crustacean was unhappy. They hadn't even made the first ninety.

Ageless: We need a new plan. It's too hard riding with strapped up legs.

Decca: No. We just need our old plan. We need Starpuss back. She brought us luck.

Karko: She didn't. She got us in trouble.

Decca: It wasn't her fault. Stupid policeman! He had no right to take her away. I reckon I'm goin' to get her back!

.....

Starpuss lay in her box-on-wheels in a store room at the back of the Woodside police station.

She floated gently in her slowly evaporating water.

It was hot in the store room.

She opened a sleepy grey eye.

Something Counter-Intuitive

2012-01-16T17:04:00.000-08:00

You're late! said the Velodrone. It's all over.

How did we do? asked Surfing-With-Whales.

We? said The VeloDrone. We did passably. But no thanks to you. Sweezus came forty third. Where were you and Marie?

Oh, we got talking, said Surfing-With-Whales. That Marie is a HONEY!

Don't be too sure of that, said The VeloDrone.

.....

Next day was a rest day. Ageless came round to see Kobo.

What happened to you? she asked. You missed out on the race.

We lost Starpuss, said Ageless.

Oh dear, said Kobo. Did she fall out of her box?

No, said Ageless. A policeman took her into custody.

A policeman? Kobo seemed surprised.

Yes, a policeman, said Ageless. Ride Like Crazy turned out to be a charity event! The policeman said he'd take care of our gift till next Christmas. Then he stook Starpuss away.

No great loss, muttered Kobo.

........

In the evening Sweezus, Belle et Bonne and Le Bon David went to a free public talk on Cycling Psychology, at the Science Exchange.

On the way home they talked about what they had learned.

You know, said Belle et Bonne, I enjoyed that, but what did we learn?

I can't remember, said Sweezus. Something counter-intuitive.

Yes, that seemed important, said Le Bon David. What was it?

But the idea had vanished away.

Late Scratchings

2012-01-15T20:42:00.000-08:00

Marie and Surfing-With-Whales rode up and down Willunga Hill three times.

Not bad for a girl! said Surfing-With Whales, as Marie passed him again.

I rode in the Tour Down Under last year, said Marie, slowing down.

In the women's, said Surfing-With-Whales.

In the men's, said Marie. I rode as a man. We had two Gymnosophers in the team, Angel and Gym Ten. Angel was nice. We would have won but for my uncle and Gym Ten. They were trying to elbow some riders so I stuck out my foot to trip them up. And we lost.

Wow! said Surfing-With-Whales.

........

Ageless, Karko and Decca were not sure about Riding Like Crazy. Why were there so many policemen? Why was nobody trying too hard?

The box-on-wheels was attracting attention.

Good on you! called someone from the roadside.

Go La Potenta! cried somebody else.

A group of children started chanting, Starpuss! Starpuss!

That's it. We're stopping, said Ageless.

They stopped.

A smiling lady came up and patted Decca on the back.

You boys, she said. Giving up your day for charity. That's so lovely.

What's this? said Ageless. What charity?

A policeman came over.

May I look in that box? he asked.

.......

The Tour Down Under Classic was due to start at seven pm. Marie and Surfing-With-Whales were late. Team Crustacean was nowhere in sight.

Ride Like Crazy

2012-01-14T17:09:00.000-08:00

It was the first day of the Tour Down Under. But the Classic Down Under Street Circuit didn't start till seven pm. What to do all day?

Kobo had enrolled Team Crustacean in the Ride Like Crazy.

It will be a good warm up, she said.

But what is it? asked Ageless.

Oh, she said vaguely, it's a ride in the hills. Be in Unley at seven am.

......

Team Philosophe were debating how best to spend the day.

There's the Ride like Crazy, said Sweezus. It's a ride in the hills. It'll be a good warmup.

Sounds cool, said Surfing-With-Whales.

I don't advise it, said Belle et Bonne.

Why not? asked Sweezus.

It's run by the police, for charity, said Belle et Bonne. It's not for the hard men, like you.

Hard men like us, said The VeloDrone. Very good, Belle et Bonne. We ought to steer clear of the police.

Yes, said Le Bon David. We must get serious this morning. I suggest we ride down into Norwood, get a coffee, then make our way down to the beach. We could ride along the foreshore to Henley Square, have a spot of lunch.......

Geeeez! said Surfing-With-Whales.

What? said Sweezus.

I'm going to head out to Willunga, and ride up and down that freaking big hill until I have to bail out, said Surfing-With-Whales. Who's coming?

There was a ten second silence.

I'm coming, said Marie. You deserve it.

Belle et Bonne tried to keep a straight face.

Honeys Like That

2012-01-13T22:15:00.000-08:00

I suppose you know how to beat crabs? asked The VeloDrone.

Crabs! said Surfing-With-Whales. Dude, I'm your man.

You're in, then, said The Velodrone. Now I suppose we ought to do a bit of practice. The Down Under Classic starts tomorrow evening at seven.

Good heavens! said Le Bon David. Is it really? I wonder where my bicycle is? I really must check my tyres.

Hey! said Surfing-With-Whales. What kind of team is this?

Don't you worry, said The VeloDrone. We usually do pretty well. It's the triumph of philosophy over brute strength.

You mean the triumph of cheating, said Sweezus. And it didn't work last year. Gaius got busted for drugs.

Awesome! said Surfing-With-Whales.

Poor Gaius, said Belle et Bonne. It wasn't his fault.

Okay, said Sweezus. That's cool. But we have to have some kind of race plan. Team Crustacean is the team to beat this year. Everyone's talking about Starpuss.

Yeah! said Surfing-With-Whales. I heard the Italians from Team Lampre earlier talking about La Potenta. That's what they're calling the Starpuss. The Powerful One.

The Powerful Female One, said Belle et Bonne. Otherwise it would be Il Potente.

Whatever, said Surfing-With-Whales. I'll soon put a spoke in her wheels.

You know she's not riding? said Marie. She's being dragged behind Decca in a box-on-wheels. No one's sure if she's living or dead. But she twitches a lot. And has powerful legs. It's enough to put the wind up everyone.

Not me, said Surfing-With-Whales. I know heaps of honeys like that.

Marie looked at Belle et Bonne.

Belle et Bonne looked at Sweezus.

Sweezus looked at the floor.

How to Beat Crabs

2012-01-12T22:00:00.000-08:00

Surfing-With-Whales! said The VeloDrone. What kind of a name is that?

He's going to start up a business, said Sweezus. Surfing with whales at Middleton.

Ridiculous! scoffed The VeloDrone. Everyone knows whales don't surf.

They sometimes come in on the tide, said Sweezus.

When they're dead, said the VeloDrone. Or beaching. That's a bad kind of business.

Don't be so sure, said Le Bon David. People love to save whales.

It's nothing to do with saving whales, said Sweezus. This is how it works. You pay to go surfing with Surfing-With-Whales. He takes you way out to where the whales are. Then you surf in.

Without the whales? said Marie. That's misleading.

No, it isn't, said Sweezus. I'll call him and get him to come in and meet you. You'll see he's a really nice guy.

He called Surfing-With-Whales, who was not far away. Ten minutes later there was a rap on the door.

Hi all! said Surfing-With-Whales.

You must be Surfing-With-Whales! said Belle et Bonne.

Not at the moment, said Surfing-with-Whales. I'm in town on my bike.

Oh well said! laughed Le Bon David. Very funny! Do come in! I'm David, this is Vello, Marie, and Belle et Bonne. And Sweezus you already know.

Yeah, said Surfing-With-Whales. He told me you need a fourth rider. I'm your man.

Wait, said The Velodrone. We have two requirements. One is that you can ride a bike. The other is that you must be a philosopher. What do you say?

Dude! said Surfing-With-Whales. Did you ever meet a surfer that wasn't?

Yes, said The VeloDrone. I'm afraid you'll have to do better than that.

Papa, whispered Belle et Bonne. Don't be so picky. Surfing-With-Whales could be our secret weapon. At the very least he'll know how to beat crabs.

Surfing-with-Whales

2012-01-11T22:27:00.000-08:00

The talk of the town? said The VeloDrone. What do you mean?

All the teams are talking about her, said Le Bon David. Why just now on North Terrace when Team Ag2r La Mondiale rode past me I overheard one of them saying, Oui, La Starpuss, elle est formidable!

This is bad, said The Velodrone. Very bad. Obviously Starpuss can't really be dead.

Yes, agreed Le Bon David. It's not good. And just when we're missing one of our best riders. Farky would have given Starpuss a run for her money.

Poor Farky, said Belle et Bonne. But you've still got Sweezus.

Yes, said Marie. Sweezus has been practising hard.

But he isn't reliable, said The VeloDrone. He sometimes goes off on his own.

Who isn't reliable? said Sweezus, putting his head round the door.

You, said The VeloDrone. Remember the Tour de France? You stopped off for a swim.

I'm more focussed this time, said Sweezus. And Belle et Bonne and Marie will be here.

Oh Sweezie, you're so sweet, said Belle et Bonne. Would you like a macaron? I've got red ones.

No thanks Belle, said Sweezus, I'm training. I'll have a banana.

Have you heard about Starpuss? asked Marie.

The secret weapon that twitches? said Sweezus. You bet. But I've got some good news. We've got a fourth rider!

With how many legs? asked The VeloDrone.

Ha ha, said Sweezus. Just two. Remember that surfer I met at Victor Harbor? The one who gave me these shorts?

We never met him, said The VeloDrone. But he has bad taste in shorts.

Well he's an awesome bike rider, said Sweezus. And he's agreed to ride with Team Philosophe.

What's his name? asked Le Bon David.

Bob, said Sweezus. But don't call him that. He calls himself Surfing-with-Whales.

The Talk of the Town

2012-01-10T21:51:00.000-08:00

Someone else was paying attention to Starpuss. Belle et Bonne was having coffee and a San Pellegrino at the next table. She leaned over and looked into the box-on-wheels. So this was Team Crustacean's secret weapon, not their legs. She finished her coffee and made her way back to the office.

The VeloDrone and Marie were busy looking through the mail.

Hello you two, said Belle et Bonne. You'll never guess what I just saw.

Hello Belle, said Marie. What did you see?

Team Crustacean having coffee in Norwood, said Belle et Bonne. It seems they have a new rider.

Not another crab! said The Velodrone.

No, it's not another crab, said Belle et Bonne. And it isn't a lobster. It isn't even a crustacean.

What is it? said The VeloDrone. Let me guess, it's a jellyfish.

You wish, said Marie.

Yes, you wish, said Belle et Bonne. It's a starfish with powerful legs. She's called Starpuss. And guess what else I heard. Team Crustacean isn't disqualified. They've just got to ride with their legs strapped together. And they say this will give them an advantage.

Oh bugger! said The Velodrone. I wish we hadn't dobbed them in.

I told you it would end badly, said Marie. But what about this Starpuss? Does she have to ride with her legs strapped together? I simply can't picture it working.

No, said Belle et Bonne. She's not riding. She's meant to be dead.

Nothing to worry about then, said The Velodrone.

But I saw her twitch, said Belle et Bonne.

Who twitched? asked Le Bon David, coming in through the door.

The Starpuss creature, said The VeloDrone. You won't have heard about her.

Oh won't I? said Le Bon David. You're wrong there. Why, it seems she's the talk of the town!

Just One Twitch

2012-01-09T21:56:00.000-08:00

Ageless, Karko, Decca and Starpuss were sitting outside a cafe in Norwood, when Kobo caught up with them.

I've just heard back from the committee, she said. It's good news and bad news.

Spill the beans then, my dearest, said Ageless. We'll have the good news first.

You won't be disqualified, said Kobo. Team Crustacean can ride in the Tour Down Under.

Super! said Decca. Does that include Starpuss?

Yes and no, said Kobo. She can be in the team, but she can't ride a bike.

That's funny, said Decca. How did they know?

Is that all? asked Ageless. Or was there some other bad news?

There was some other news you might think of as bad, said Kobo.

What is it? asked Ageless.

You must strap up your legs, said Kobo, so you have neither an advantage nor a disadvantage.

Karko burst out laughing.

What's so funny? asked Kobo.

That's a mega-advantage, said Karko. Imagine the strength we'll have then.

Oh, said Kobo, trying not to look too disappointed.

She looked across at Starpuss, who was resting in a box-on-wheels, staring blankly up at the sky.

Kobo moved the box slightly and sat down in a chair.

Coffee, beloved? asked Ageless.

Skinny latte, decaf, thanks dearest, said Kobo.

One of Starpuss' legs gave a twitch.

They all stared at Starpuss. But she didn't twitch twice.

Spanner in the Works

2012-01-08T22:24:00.000-08:00

Kobo was none too pleased that Starpuss was going to be in the team. However, she had promised to put the case for Team Crustacean to the Tour Down Under Committee, in writing.

dear tour down under commmmittee ( she wrote)

teammm crustacean would like to point out that last year teammm philosophe had a FOUR LEGGED rider who was a DOG nammed farky and he didn't do too well and had to have mmany knee reconstructions indeed he has not yet fully recovered

this proves that extra legs are no advantage whatsoever if anything they are a liability

in light of this teamm crustacean undertakes that each mmember will strap his extra legs together in order to conformmm to regulations

we trust this mmmeans we will not be prevented from riding in the tour down under

yours sincerely teamm crustacean

ps as we have a dead mmemmber in the teamm as well we hope for your goodwill and trust there will not be a further problemmmm she has seven legs but cannot use themmmm so it should not be a problemmmm

Haha! said Kobo to herself, when she had finished writing. See how everyone likes THAT!

That Changes Everything

2012-01-07T16:31:00.000-08:00

Disqualified! cried Ageless. On what grounds?

Number of legs, said Kobo.

Of legs? echoed Ageless, aghast.

You have extras, said Kobo. They're claiming you have an advantage.

Decca and Karko snorted in unison.

Bullshit, said Karko.

Too right, said Decca. It's harder the more legs you have.

Then you have a case, said Kobo. But you need to get something in writing, and send it to the committee.

In writing? said Ageless. We haven't got time. We've got to start training. Will you do it, beloved?

Alright, my darling, said Kobo. As long as you promise me something.

Anything my angel, said Ageless.

Stay away from that dead floating girlfriend. You're going to get germs.

Karko was offended.

She hasn't got germs, he said. What would you know?

What would I know? said Kobo. Better than you obviously.

Woo-aah! said Decca rudely. You don't know about Starpuss. Anyway, she's in our team!

Ageless and Karko looked surprised.

Is she? said Kobo. Well! That changes everything!

A Difficult Finish

2012-01-06T22:11:00.000-08:00

Leave her alone, said Decca. She's not riding.

That's right, said Karko. She's not. But we are. When is this Tour Down Under?

Next weekend, said Ageless. We'd better get practising.

And where is it? asked Decca.

Ageless wasn't sure.

Somewhere down south, he said vaguely.

Starpuss pushed up against one of his legs in a manner suggestive of life.

Are you dead or aren't you? said Ageless.

Starpuss floated away.

Suddenly Ageless became aware that someone was calling him from the edge of the sand.

He turned round. It was Kobo!

Kobo! he cried. You came!

Yes I did, said Kobo, and it took me FOREVER. Who are these?

Karko and Decca, said Ageless. My friends.

And? said Kobo, looking at Starpuss.

Their dead girlfriend, said Ageless. She's just leaving.

Dead? said Kobo. But you said she was leaving.

Starpuss undulated gently towards the shore.

Excuse me, said Kobo, agitating the water.

Leave our girlfriend alone, said Karko.

Starpuss floated away.

Ageless, said Kobo, Baby Pierre and Lavender went home last night. They watched the news. Most of the riders are already here practising. The race ends at the top of Willunga Hill. It's the first time it's been such a difficult finish. And....I don't know how to say this....but...

What, my beloved? asked Ageless.

Oh dear, said Kobo. Team Philosophe is determined to get you disqualified!

Winking, if that was an eye

2012-01-05T22:10:00.000-08:00

Galvani? said Karko. Course we have. Electrical currents. Frogs legs twitching and that.

You're not doing that to our girlfriend, said Decca.

Why not, said Ageless. We should make use of those legs.

It's not right, said Decca. That's all.

And it wouldn't work, added Karko. You never were any good at science. Say we made her legs twitch...

No, don't say it! said Decca, wincing.

But just say we did, said Karko. Starpuss is propped up on a bicycle, attached to it somehow with string. Her legs, sticking out of an ill-fitting carapace, are stimulated by electrical currents. They twitch. Does that make them press on the pedals? Does that make the wheels go round? No, Ageless you're being a dickhead.

At least I'm trying to think of a plan, said Ageless huffily.

There was an uncomfortable silence. Starpuss moved gently to and fro under the water. Could she really be dead? She drifted closer to Ageless.

She rubbed up against his leg. She was winking. If that was an eye.

Crap On The Road

2012-01-04T21:11:00.001-08:00

What's your idea? asked Decca, grinning. Change the name to Team Seafood?

Mate! said Karko. That's not funny!

No, agreed Ageless. That's not funny. Starpuss does not qualify as seafood. But I do have an idea.

Spit it out, mate, said Decca.

She doesn't LOOK dead, said Ageless, nudging the gently undulating body of Starpuss.

I know, said Decca. She just floats down there, doesn't decompose or anything. Sometimes she nods.

She nods? said Ageless. I knew it. Wait on! How does she nod?

Well, she looks kind of agreeable, said Decca, changing his tune. As if she's not dead.

Exactly! said Ageless. We can make use of that.

Phew! said Karko admiringly. You mean she could be in the team?

I'm just thinking, said Ageless. Those legs. They look strong.

They were strong, agreed Karko. She was our girlfriend, he added.

Aha, said Ageless, thinking guiltily about Kobo, and how he had left her at Brighton.

I have a girlfriend, he said. She's a fossilised clam, and she doesn't have legs.

Bad luck, said Karko.

It's alright, said Ageless. She has wonderful lips.

Decca looked uncomfortable at the thought of Kobo's wonderful lips.

Yeah, he said, but what about Starpuss?

We put her inside a carapace, with her legs sticking out, said Ageless. See how she moves then.

She'd be fine under water, said Decca, but crap on the road.

Not necessarily, said Ageless. You boys heard of Galvani?

A Pompeiian Mosaic

2012-01-03T21:12:00.000-08:00

The others, said Karko, are the jellies, and Starpuss.

Do they ride? asked Ageless.

Nah, said Karko.

Prrp! said Decca. As if.

Jellyfish, said Karko, do not have legs. Jellyfish, therefore, can only watch and admire.

Fair enough, agreed Ageless. But what about Starpuss?

Oh, Starpuss, said Karko. Why don't you come over and meet her.

They proceeded several metres to the south, in the sun-dappled shallows.

There she is! said Karko, pointing to a creature floating low in the water close to the sand. There's Starpuss!

Ageless peered at Starpuss. What fat curly legs she had! How powerful they looked. He counted. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. So Starpuss wasn't an octopus. But she didn't quite look like a starfish either.

Good morning, Starpuss, said Ageless. How nice to meet you.

Decca exploded with mirth.

She can't HEAR you, you idiot, he spluttered, clutching his carapace.

Why not? asked Ageless, offended.

She's dead, explained Karko. Been dead for ages. Mate, can't you tell?

Ageless looked closer at Starpuss. She was so beautiful, brown and beige, like a Pompeiian mosaic. Was she dead? How unfortunate. She would have been the strongest of cyclists, with those wonderful legs.

Drat! he said. She would have made a valuable addition to Team Crustacean.

I don't think so, said Karko. She's not a crustacean.

True, said Ageless. But that gives me an idea.

Posh

2012-01-02T22:05:00.000-08:00

By next morning Ageless had reached Semaphore. It was the first day of the new year, and a hot one. Ageless went down to the water to dip in his toes.

It was nice in the water, with the transparent jellybean jellyfish, sand-coloured fish and long floating hairy sacs of nothing in particular. Ageless sighed with satisfaction and allowed himself to dream.

In the dream he was leading the Tour Down Under, with Karkinos and Decapod coming second and third. Their legs were pumping like pistons. The crowd cheered. Ageless! Ageless!

He awoke from his reverie. He could still hear the crowd chanting his name. But no. It was just a single voice.

Ageless! said Karkinos. Well, bugger me!

Karko! cried Ageless. Long time no see, my old friend! How's maritime life treating you?

Oh you know, said Karkinos. We muddle along. Decapod's just over there. Hey! Decca! Come here!

Decca sidled over.

Ageless! he said. Mate! What're you doing in this neck of the woods?

Looking for you two, said Ageless. Do you still remember how to ride a bike?

Mmm. Haven't done it since we moved down the coast, said Decca. Why're you asking?

I have a dream, said Ageless grandly. A dream of winning the Tour Down Under. And I need a team. Are you interested?

Yeah, said Karko. I'll give it a go.

Me too, said Decca. What's the name of our team?

Team Crustacean, said Ageless.

Posh! said Karko. Wait till I tell the others.

What others? asked Ageless.

A Training Regime

2012-01-01T16:04:00.000-08:00

The fireworks were beautiful. Kobo had never seen anything like them. There were peonies, chrysanthemums and palms, crossettes and little boys haircuts, spiders and rains. They were red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple and silver. They rose high into the night sky with crackles and bangs, then floated gently and silently down into the sea.

It was over. The crowd clapped and cheered and began picking up their things to go home.

Did you like that, my darling? asked Ageless.

Yes, answered Kobo. Thank you Ageless my sweetheart, for giving me the gift of vision even though the eyes are not as good as I had expected. Vision can be disappointing, but those fireworks were a source of pleasure and delight to me just now.

Vision disappointing? said Ageless, flexing his brand new lycra-covered appendages. Ha ha! I trust you don't mean me?

Kobo had meant him, and was instantly sorry.

Let us run on the beach, she suggested.

Yes let's! cried Lavender. We can all hold hands!

No, said Ageless. I shall have to give it a miss. I must keep to my training regime.

Surely running would be good for your training regime, said Baby Pierre.

Err.... no, said Ageless. My training regime involves finding some team members, first of all. I'm off. Bye bye. If you like, I'll see you all at Semaphore tomorrow. There are a couple of crabs that I'm hoping to catch up with. Karkinos and Decapod. We used to ride to school together, years ago.

And he shuffled away down the esplanade in a northerly direction.

So much for my date, said Kobo.

Good riddance! said Lavender. Now Baby Pierre. You can wait here. Kobo and me are going to run along the beach holding hands.

No you're not, said Baby Pierre. The tide's coming in.

All One to a Fossilised Clam

2011-12-31T22:27:00.000-08:00

Ageless turned up at seven, with pizza in a large cardboard box.

I thought you said chicken, said Kobo. And I thought you said six.

I did said Ageless, but they had run out of chickens, and then I had to run around everywhere looking for a decent alternative. I hope you like pizza, my dearest.

It is all one to me, said Kobo. I'm a fossilised clam. When are the fireworks?

Half past nine, said Ageless. We should get going.

We're coming too, said Lavender. Me and Baby Pierre.

No you're not, said Ageless. There's not enough food.

But Lavender was not the sort of person to take no for an answer. Soon the four of them were on the bus to Brighton.

It was hot in the bus and the pizza was smelly.

I'd better eat it, said Ageless. Before it goes off.

It was so unromantic. Kobo had tears in her eyes.

Here Aunty Kobo, have a hanky, said Lavender.

They got to the esplanade at twenty past nine. It was almost dark, but the sky above the horizon glowed amber. Children ran about on the remaining strip of beach wearing fluorescent pink and green necklaces, bangles and headbands. Some had strings of flashing lights wound about their bodies as well.

How beautiful, thought Kobo. Maybe the night will not be a dead loss after all.

Then the fireworks began....

Double Date

2011-12-30T20:55:00.000-08:00

If you think, said Kobo, that I'm going to carry your drinks, you can think again, dear heart.

Only joking, said Ageless. Did you call me dear heart?

Yes I did, said Kobo. I have become fond of you now that I've seen you.

Thought you would, said Ageless. May I ask you a question?

I can't ride a bicycle, said Kobo, if that was the question.

No, that wasn't the question, said Ageless. Team Crustacean has no place for girls.

Girls! said Kobo.

Well, ladies, said Ageless.

LADIES! said Kobo.

What then? said Ageless.

Tch! said Kobo. What WAS the question?

Will you come out with me tonight, my beloved? asked Ageless.

Oh! said Kobo. Go out with you where?

It's New Year's Eve, said Ageless, There will be fireworks at the Brighton Jetty.

The beach! said Kobo, happily. Shall we run on the beach holding hands?

Whatever you like my sweetest, said Ageless, in honeyed tones.

Then the answer is YES, said Kobo.

See you at six, then, said Ageless. I'll bring chicken and salad and champagne.

Baby Pierre looked at Lavender.

She can't run on the beach holding hands with Ageless! said Lavender. WE were going to do that, her and me. I'm going as well.

You can't! said Baby Pierre. It's a date.

I can, said Lavender. And you can come with me. You'll be my date.

Yerk! No way! said Baby Pierre.

Team Crustacean

2011-12-29T22:11:00.000-08:00

Ageless appeared in the doorway, gleaming. He was dressed in red lycra bike shorts and a red and white jersey.

Beloved! said Ageless.

Do you mean me? asked Kobo.

Of course you, said Ageless. How I've longed for this meeting.

Let me see you properly, said Kobo. Come closer. These eyes you sent me don't react well to glare.

I'm not glaring my darling, said Ageless. I am glowing with joy.

He moved closer. Kobo could see him in his full glory.

Why are you wearing bicycling clothes? she asked. I did not expect it.

But they suit me, said Ageless.

I don't know, said Kobo. Red is perhaps not your colour. I would have preferred blue, with your colouring.

Too late now, said Ageless with a shrug. I am going to enter the Tour Down Under. It's two weeks away. I am forming a team. Team Crustacean. I just need to sign up a few more crustaceans who ride.

Well, said Kobo, I am very impressd. Come here and give me a kiss.

Lavender and Baby Pierre goggled.

Ageless sashayed over to the window to give Kobo a kiss.

Scrape, scrape, scraaaaaape. The kiss was passionate, and scratchy.

Wooo! He's hot! whispered Lavender.

Told you, said Baby Pierre.

The kiss ended. Ageless spoke.

My dear Kobo, he said, would you do me the honour?

Of what? asked Kobo, blinking rapidly.

Watching me race, said Ageless. You could hand me my drinks.

Second Coming

2011-12-28T19:56:00.000-08:00

Home at last! Kobo and Lavender were back on the window sill in the kitchen.

Hello Aunty Kobo, said Baby Pierre, ignoring his cousin. Did you have a nice time?

Yes I had a nice time, said Kobo. Thank you for asking.

I had a nice time too, said Lavender.

How were your eyes? asked Baby Pierre.

So so, said Kobo.

The reason I'm asking, said Baby Pierre, is that Ageless is here.

Here? said Kobo. Why is he here?

He's here to see you, said Baby Pierre. And for you to see him.

Where is he? asked Kobo, looking around, but failing to see a lobster.

Watching the cricket, said Baby Pierre. Shall I tell him you're here?

Wait, said Kobo.

Has he finished moulting? asked Lavender.

Yes, said Baby Pierre. He looks just like ......like a god!

Woo hoo! said Lavender. Send him in!

Actually, said Kobo, I'm quite busy.

No you're not, Aunty Kobo, said Lavender. Go get him, Baby Pierre.

Baby Pierre went into the lounge to fetch Ageless.

Sounds of creaking and shuffling were heard.

Lavender looked at Kobo.

Kobo looked anxious.

Don't worry Aunty Kobo. No way he'll look like a god, said Lavender.

It's not that, said Kobo. I think I WANT him to look like a god.

Well, said Lavender. Your eyes aren't too good. So he might.

Mama Mia

2011-12-27T21:58:00.000-08:00

Right! said Lavender. Today we're going home.

Good, said Kobo. I've had enough adventures for a while.

Hee hee, laughed Lavender. You should have seen your face coming down the flume.

Actually said Kobo, I'm quite proud I did it.

That's good, said Lavender. But you did look funny wearing a rashie.

I'm a CLAM, said Kobo. Of course I looked funny. But rules are rules.

I wouldn't have put on a rashie just to obey some stupid RULES, said Lavender.

You couldn't anyway, said Kobo.

But if I could, said Lavender. I wouldn't have.

My theory is, said Kobo, that stupid rules should be obeyed to the letter.

What? Why? asked Lavender.

To keep the high moral ground, said Kobo. And your dignity. The lifeguard thanked me when she saw me again, as though I had done her a favour. Which arguably I had.

Or maybe you're just a big WUSS! said Lavender.

Oh, never mind, said Kobo. Hurry up and get into the suitcase.

Wait, I just want to say goodbye to Butterfly and Fish, said Lavender.

She looked for the children. They were watching Mama Mia on a dvd, mesmerised by the songs and missing all the innuendo.

Bye bye, Fish, said Lavender.

Fish looked up, presenting his Nutella-smeared face for a kiss.

Bye bye Butterfly, said Lavender.

But Butterfly had eyes only for Meryl Streep.

Down the Flume in a Rashie

2011-12-26T20:44:00.000-08:00

Kobo had had an interesting morning.

Everyone was going to the Olympic Park. They were going to go swimming. Fish and Butterfly had brought their noodles. Fish had a blue one and Butterfly's was pink.

Their mummy took them into the change rooms and they came out in their swimsuits. Daddy was already in. The pool was not very deep but it had many splashy attractions. Water tipped onto people's heads from giant buckets. Curtains of water beat down relentlessly from a giant shower. Rapids swirled round special courses. A flume swept you down into a deep nose-unfriendly pool.

Fish and Butterfly were used to it. They floated on their noodles near mummy and daddy.

Kobo felt like a fish out of water except for one obvious fact.

She splashed about a bit. She rode down the rapids with Butterfly.

Excuse me, said a life guard, from the edge of the rapids. You are wearing the wrong sort of swimwear.

What? said Kobo.

I'll see you at the end, said the lifeguard.

Gosh! thought Kobo. What's wrong with my outfit?

The rules, said the life guard, at the end, state that you can only wear nylon or lycra.

Oh, fine, said Kobo, glad of an excuse to get out.

But mummy and daddy had seen what had happened.

Borrow my rashie, said mummy.

Oh, thank you, said Kobo.

She pulled on mummy's rashie.

Let's go down the flume! said mummy.

Okay, thought Kobo to herself. Take a deep breath and remember you are a fossilised clam, and a fossilised clam can do anything.

The Egyptian Trireme

2011-12-25T21:46:00.000-08:00

It was the night after the day that was Christmas. Kobo was finally in bed, or rather, stretched out on a couch in the lounge. It had been a good day. She had woken up early and watched Fish and Butterfly open their presents. Fish's was a bike and Butterfly's was a Barbie. And that was just the beginning.

The family had then climbed up the Snail. After that they had cooked a turkey and eaten it outside on a silver tablecloth. As well as turkey they had eaten ham, and mashed potato and broccoli and carrots, followed by a trifle made by the great grandmother.

Great grandmother had once again been asked to tell the story of how she and her brother had found the little china Santa that sat in the middle of the trifle every year.

It was seventy years ago, said the great grandmother. We were on our bikes. It was my brother who found it.

Fish and Butterfly were not listening. Fish was doing a conga behind the table, and Butterfly was eating the custard.

After lunch the family had gone in two cars to a beach park, where the great grandmother had sat on the grass in the shade, looking down upon the exotic scene. Ladies were bathing in headscarves and mixed groups were passing round hookahs. Barbecue smoke blew across the park in the stiffening breeze.

For dinner the family had eaten prawns and salad and oysters. The great grandmother had been grateful there was leftover ham.

I haven't eaten prawns in years, said the great grandmother. As for oysters, pooh!

But now, it was bedtime, and Kobo was in bed. All was quiet except for the humming of the airconditioner and the snoring of one of the members of the family. All was dark except for a light drifting semi-brightly down the stairs.

She fell into a deep post-Christmas sleep.

BANG!! BANG!! and BANGGGG!!!!

Kobo woke up.

What the dickens was that??? she said out loud. ( But later she wondered whether she had actually said dickens ).

Nothing else happened.

Well, thought Kobo, if no one else is bothered I shall go back to sleep.

She went back to sleep.

In the morning it was pointed out to her that a large heavy metal framed papyrus drawing of an Egyptian trireme had fallen to the floor only inches behind her head.

Knowing a Lot About Fish

2011-12-23T01:47:00.000-08:00

What happened to Sophie in the end, Aunty Kobo? asked Lavender, as they were sitting on an uncomfortable red and purple rubber verge at the Armoury Playground.

You won't believe it, said Kobo. She got married to a very old-fashioned man, tried to have a baby, couldn't, had a dream that her grandma told her to exhume her daddy and re-bury him in the Jewish sector, and when she did that, she had a baby.

Cripes! said Lavender.

There were a lot of loose ends, said Kobo. But that's French novels for you.

It's not that, said Lavender. Look at Fish!

Fish had climbed up a green rubber wall with orange footholds and was about to slide down the double slide.

Will he be alright? asked Kobo.

That's what we won't know until it's too late, said Lavender.

Fish slid down the slide perectly well until the bend at the bottom, then stopped suddenly because of his crocs.

He got off and lay on the grass face down.

Will he cry ? asked Kobo.

We don't know, said Lavender. Let's wait and see.

They stared at Fish. Fish got up. He walked over to an orange tunnel. He crawled inside.

Should we follow him? asked Kobo.

No said Lavender. It's best not to.

You know a lot about Fish, said Kobo.

Yes said Lavender.

Travel is my Passion

2011-12-21T21:35:00.000-08:00

Lavender met Kobo at the door of the children's house in Sydney.

Woohoo! said Lavender. Aunty Kobo! Come in!

Nice place, said Kobo, impressed. Leafy suburb, winding pathways, Christmas lights, the scent of eucalyptus, Pity it's raining. House looks tidy too. Where's my room?

We're in the garage said Lavender, but don't worry. We may not have to sleep there. The bed pump needs recharging so our beds are flat as pancakes. We might sleep on couches in the lounge. How are the new eyes?

Baby Pierre is so ham-fisted, said Kobo. I'm sure he put them in upside down. But never mind, the brain quickly adjusts to these things. At the moment you look horizontal.

I AM horizontal, Aunty Kobo, said Lavender. This is how I look. Apart from that, what do you think ?

There's not a lot to you, said Kobo. Are you going to offer me a cup of tea?

Oh yes, Aunty Kobo. And dinner and everything. And you can watch the children have their bath, and read them a bedtime story. Then you can have a glass of wine.

This is the life, said Kobo. Travel is my passion. What shall we do tomorrow?

Tomorrow, said Lavender, we are going to the dentist, the hairdresser, Gloria Jean's coffee shop, the carwash, the camping shop, and the playground. Then we're going to watch a Wiggles DVD, and Baby Einstein.

Oh, said Kobo. Good.

She Looks Squirmy

2011-12-20T02:25:00.000-08:00

Lavender was excited. Kobo was coming to Sydney! She wrote back at once, on the back of The Kiss.

dear aunty kobo (she wrote)
oh yes do come to sydney there is plenty of room. you can sleep in the garage with me. there are meant to be redbacks, but i haven't seen one.

that dumb baby pierre!!! playing the knife game!! what you need for the knife game is a knife and some fingers but he only has a knife.

don't let him use it for putting your eyes in aunty kobo.

now, turn over this postcard. hee hee! that's you kissing ageless!! look! it looks just like him !! it's picasso kissing his girlfriend jacqueline. picasso is 88 years old. and jacqueline looks squirmy i think. she thinks he's so famous so she will let him kiss her but yuck!!! well that's what i think aunty kobo what do you think? maybe you love him??? i don't know.

ooh! how disgusting of sophie to want to sleep with her ancient french teacher, how distinguished of him to say no. what a good daddy he would be. that's the sort of daddy i like. what happens next aunty kobo ??? you can tell me from your own lips when I see you in sydney oh i am so very excited we will run on the beach aunty kobo and everything.

see you soon love lavender xx

ps don't bring baby pierre !!!

But He Says No

2011-12-18T22:31:00.000-08:00

Kobo was piqued by Lavender's letters. Should she put her eyes in? Could she go to Sydney? She asked Baby Pierre what he thought about it. She showed him Lavender's letters. His eyes popped when he read the letter about the knife game. That was not the part that Kobo had meant him to read. She replied to Lavender.

dear lavender (she wrote)
thank you for your letter explaining the knife gammmme. unfortunately baby pierre has read it. at first he would do nothing else but play the knife gammmme. he got a real knife frommm the knife block and stabbed and stabbed. luckily he has no fingers. if he had he would not have any left by now. anyway he will help mmme put mmy eyes in. i ammm thinking seriously about commming to visit you in sydney!!!

just think!!! baby pierre says the eyes mmight be cracked and stiff but if i don't mmmind he thinks they will be good. baby pierre keeps his ears open he says i can get a lift to sydney with the children's grandmmmmammma and grandpa they are going back for christmmmas. that mmmeans i will end up where you are!! i amm so excited. please write back and tell mmme what you think. write on the postcard of the kiss i want to see it. what's wrong with it?? why does it mmake you squirmy???

oh i forgot! you asked mmme about sophie. she was naughty to her mmmummy's new husband she wouldn't talk to himmm except only in the kitchen. she liked older mmen but she didn't like himmm. she likes her ancient french teacher. no he is not ancient, he teaches ancient french!! but he's mmuch older than her. she wants to go to bed with himm but he says no.

lots of love dear, fromm aunty kobo clamm

The Knife Game

2011-12-17T22:21:00.000-08:00

Lavender replied on the back of a postcard of the Portrait of Dora Maar.

dear aunty kobo
i agree with you picasso is a hopeless painter. just look at what he made of dora maar. but even so you can tell she's very pretty. black green and purple hair and yellow skin, two noses and a smiling kissy mouth, red nails on the end of banana fingers, a geometric patterned green and purple tee shirt under an open black jacket and a red and black checked skirt.

oh aunty kobo i wish i could wear clothes like that

i wish i could wear clothes

the knife game you know what that is aunty kobo. you spread your fingers on the table and you stab between your fingers with a knife. you do it fast. one by one in all the spaces between the fingers. you can do it blindfold if you like. oh! it is so dangerous. dora did it in a restaurant and picasso saw her cut her fingers and he fell in love and she was pretty too that helped.

next time i will send you a postcard of the kiss. you will like the kiss you always dream of kissing ageless. don't think that baby pierre and i don't know. the kiss is like a picture of you and ageless kissing in real life. it makes me feel all squirmy yuck! but you will like it aunty kobo. so will he

well that is all for now from your niece lavender

ps i like the story of sophie aunty kobo. what did she do to drive her mummy's new husband away??? and what's wrong with her liking older men??? i like older men. does she like the guardian of the cemetery???

Le père éternel

2011-12-16T22:23:00.000-08:00

Kobo liked getting postcards. But she thought this one from Lavender was offensive. She wrote back at once.

dear lavender this picasso is offensive!!! don't get mme wrong it is not the wommen running. no lavender it is the SAND!! i am a connoisseur of sand just ask ageless and sommething is very wrong with this it is not proper sand. you say you think it looks like concrete, mme i think it looks like a collapsing canvas tent. i don't know how picasso ever got fammmmous painting sand like that!!!

but oh how lovely it would be you and mmme running on the sand as long as it was proper sand i prommise you one day soon i will get mmy new eyes in but i have not been anywhere for a long timmmme lavender i mmight not even remmmemmmber how to run on anything. and we could not hold hands

now dear what was it you asked mme about sophie???

sophie goes back to the cemmmetery every summmer. now she is twenty years old and the old mman who is the guardian of the cemmetery is ten years older too. she still leaves mmystifying letters on her daddy's grave. they mmystify mme too. and she still has daddy issues. she drives her mummmmy's new husband away by very bad behavior. she doesn't have a boyfriend but she does like older mmen. the story is called le père éternel. do you think it is religious lavender or psychological???

please dear next timmmme send mme the postcard of dora mmmmaar does she have bleeding fingers that's what i want to know what is the knife gammmme and is she pretty????

affectionately

your curious aunty kobo clammmm xx

Not Very Good at Sand

2011-12-15T22:50:00.000-08:00

Lavender was intrigued by Kobo's stories. She'd read Kobo's letter on the ferry heading into Circular Quay. She found the Art Gallery Of New South Wales in the Domain and went up the steps. Good heavens it was twenty five dollars to go in, and the ticket was timed! She decided not to buy a ticket. She would sneak inside.

All the pictures were hung too high up on the wall. Lavender was disappointed. She went to the Art Gallery Shop and bought some postcards. One was of Two Women Running on the Beach.

She sat down on a seat and wrote to Kobo.

dear aunty kobo (she wrote)

pooh!! all the picassos are too high i'm glad i didn't pay. do you like this postcard??? have a look. it is two women running on the beach. picasso loved the beach he associated it with freedom. i read that on a card. the women are seriously fat they are wearing short white dresses and their breasts have popped out. hee hee aunty kobo that's so funny. they look as if they don't know they look rude. they have long black hair streaming out behind them. they are holding hands together high up in the air. they look so happy aunty kobo why don't you get your new eyes in aunty kobo then we could run along the beach together beside the blue sea and the even bluer sky on sand that looks like concrete. i dont think picasso was very good at sand. what do you think aunty kobo??? i hope you like the postcard.

love from lavender

ps i have bought two more postcards the kiss and dora maar. i will send them to you one by one aunty kobo i bet you will like them

pps do you know why sophie knows the persons similar to the persons that were buried in the cemetery? maybe she is clairvoyant? maybe you are crap at french? hee hee aunty kobo only joking. ooh i sound like ageless sorry aunty koboxxx

.

A Person Very Similar

2011-12-14T22:17:00.000-08:00

Kobo was delighted with this response from Lavender. It vindicated her decision not to help. She wrote back straight away.

dear lavender (she wrote)

be careful on the ferry dear remmemmber if you roll overboard you will sink like you know what. but i amm glad that you are going to explore sydney. i do have a favourite picasso if you mmean a piece of art and not his mummmy or another mmemmber of his family. mmrs picasso or baby picasso or uncle picasso. you do not mmean that do you. you mmean a picture mmade by pablo picasso himself??

mmy favourite is the portrait of dora mmaar. i think i saw a photo of it once. if you see it tell mme what it's like. dora mmaar was picasso's mmistress she used to play the knife gamme. she cut her fingers and her table playing the gamme. picasso kept her gloves. when they parted she cried so mmuch she needed crying tablets. crying tablets. think of that it mmakes you glad you are a stone.

well it mmakes mme glad. you are not a stone.

you asked mme to tell you mmore about sophie. lavender i amm not very good at french. i thought i was. but this story is defeating mme. sophie goes every year to the cemmetary to visit her daddy. she leaves a letter on his grave. there is an old mman there the guardian of the cemmetery. he reads the letter after she has gone. each time the letter is to a person very similar to the person who has been buried in the cemmetery that day.

i don't get it lavender because sophie doesn't know the person who has been buried in the cemmetery that day. what is going on???

mmaybe next timme i will have figured it out i amm not giving up.

that is not in the nature of your aunty

kobo clammmm

Two Women Running on the Beach

2011-12-13T21:25:00.000-08:00

Lavender was not discouraged by Kobo's letter. It made her think more deeply about logical behaviour. She wrote back.

dear aunty kobo (she wrote)

alright aunty kobo i get it about the leap of faith and about the logical behaviour. i have been a ning nong. but i can't stay here. the children and their daddy and mummy are out all day and the knitted people sit here on a row of chairs pretending it's a train. i mean seriously.

so i have made a plan i have decided to explore sydney. i want to see the picasso exhibition in the art gallery of new south wales. i want to see two women running on the beach and the kiss. we are lucky to have the picasso exhibition here they say. i will catch the ferry. don't worry about me aunty kobo i know how.

please tell me more about that little girl sophie. was she glad her daddy was dead not sleeping?? i would be glad my daddy was dead not sleeping. i would always have a daddy then. but maybe it was different for sophie she was not a space in a pebble where a shell used to be. perhaps picasso will turn out to be my daddy.

thank you aunty kobo you see how responsible i am becoming thanks to you

love from your niece lavender

ps do you have a favourite picasso?? let me know

Not Encouraging

2011-12-12T21:15:00.000-08:00

Kobo was surprised to hear from Lavender. She hadn't realised that Lavender had gone away. She wrote back, but not encouragingly.

mmy dear lavender. so you mmade a leap of faith?? and now you have ended up in sydney. well well lavender i think you have learned sommething now. a leap of faith is not a mmark of courage. it is the mmmark of a ningnong, it is illogical to say oh well it doesn't mmmake sense but i amm going to do it anyway. you need to learn a lesson. i ammm leaving you to stew there sorry dear.

i amm not hard hearted lavender i will tell you a story and guess what lavender this story is going to suit you very well. i amm reading a story about a little girl her namme is sophie. the little girl has lost her daddy. yes!! your ears have pricked up now.

the story is in french lavender, i amm not very good at french but i amm trying, that is what we all should do, try, not go to sydney in a shoebox, but enough said i think.

the little girl's daddy is buried in a coffin and the little girl does not mmind because she thinks her daddy is asleep. because the grownups have told her so. she throws mmimmosa on the coffin. she goes hommme with her mmmummmmy. she goes to school. her friends won't play with her because they know her daddy is dead and they think it mmight be catching. catching! you know lavender, like a cold.

one friend tells her her daddy is dead. the little girl didn't know that before. she thought he was asleep because the grownups told her. now she knows. she tells her mmummy. her mmummmy is surprised. now they all know.

well lavender i hope you like that story. it isn't finished i will tell you the rest another day mmmeanwhile have a careful think in sydney about LOGICAl BEHAVIOUR.

all the best dear,

frommm aunty kobo clammmm xx

Not Fair

2011-12-11T21:48:00.000-08:00

The rain poured down at Cronulla. It rushed along the paved area under the pines, and down the steps onto the beach. Everyone except a few hardy surfers ran up the steps and headed for cover.

Fish and his sister, their mummy and daddy, their grandma and grandpa stood in an alcove next to a cafe, out of the rain. Behind them were bins and a metal door that went up and down. The mummy took three cakes out of the picnic esky and broke them in half. She put them on top of the esky. Everyone shared the cakes.

The children ran out into the rain laughing. Then they ran back. They were wet.

Mummy held the boogie board over her head and went to get the car.

....

Later....back at home.

The children were making a birthday cake for mummy. It was a surprise. It was hard to keep it a surprise because mummy was in the kitchen. The children said the cake was for daddy, because he'd been good. Mummy appeared to be fooled. The cake had chocolate icing, tiny M and Ms, and sprinkles heaped high up in one particular spot by Fish. And obliquely leaning candles.

.....

Lavender was sad. Where were her mummy and daddy? She wanted to go home. She decided to write to Kobo.

dear kobo, ( she wrote )

kobo i am in sydney on a leap of faith. kobo i want to come home. the knittings are going to stay here in the shoebox. they are stupid and won't obey orders. the children here are lucky. they are called butterfly and fish. fish has a snotty nose which sometimes bleeds. he can play i spy. butterfly picks pretend berries off the christmas tree and puts them in a bucket. the children like sausages. they bite their broccoli and drop it on the floor. they don't like carrots. they get cuddles. kobo i want a mummy and daddy and cuddles. i don't know how to get home. can you just for once stop reading kierkegaard and help me? your niece lavender. ps i dont think life is fair.

Cronulla

2011-12-10T20:31:00.000-08:00

The knitted personages seemed happy enough with their lot. Perhaps they didn't know any better..

Lavender examined her options.

She could stay in the box with these losers, or get out and have a look at Sydney. All it would take was another Leap of Faith. She decided to hook up with the children.

The children were going to a beach with their mummy and daddy and grandma and grandpa. It was their mummy's birthday tomorrow and their mummy had bought herself a boogie board. The whole family was going to Cronulla so mummy could try it out.

The sun was shining over Sydney. Lavender had made friends with the smaller of the children, whose name was Fish. She sat in the back of daddy's car next to Fish.

When are we getting there, Fish? asked Lavender.

That was not the sort of question you asked Fish.

Fish's nose was snotty, because he was getting over a cold. He looked out of the window of the car. Choo choo, said Fish.

Bless you, said Lavender.

Choo choo! said Fish, again.

Lavender sighed.

Eventually they got to Cronulla.

A black storm cloud loomed up in the sky.

Mummy got out the sandwiches. Crack! Flash! Thunder!

Fish leapt into daddy's arms.

The rain poured down in buckets.

Geez! thought Lavender. Cronulla is crap.

Who Invented Children?

2011-12-09T12:56:00.000-08:00

If this was Sydney, then Sydney was a house, and Lavender was no longer in charge.

The knitted personages had lost their imposed heirarchical order.

The Bag of Presents had been opened and closed.

Father Christmas had been forced to wear an apron, temporarily.

Mother Christmas had regained her apron and now wore it back to front.

The Stupid Looking Snowman had lost his scarf, and worse, his arms, which lay on the floor.

The Cute Reindeer had lost his beloved antlers, and now wore them as a necklace.

The Branch Members had come off the best, having won several races.

But everyone had had his cardboard bottom removed at least once.

Lavender remained in the box, sulking.

Whoever invented CHILDREN? she thought.

Heirarchical Order

2011-12-07T19:06:00.000-08:00

Everyone dozed, except the Christmas Tree.

When they woke up it was dark and they were lying down horizontal in the box.

What happened? asked Father Christmas. Why is it dark, and why are we arranged like this?

Get off me! said Mother Christmas. You great big hairy lump.

Steady on! said Father Christmas. Do I know you?

Mother Christmas, so-called because of this silly apron, sniffed Mother Christmas.

Oh you! said Father Christmas. I think we have a bone to pick with that young whipper-snapper don't you? She has imposed a heirarchical order on us that is bound to cause friction and unrest.

Speaking of friction and unrest, said the Bag of Presents. This is very uncomfortable. Do you think this is Sydney?

The Cute Reindeer tried in vain to rearrange its black pipe cleaner antlers.

Better not be, said the Cute Reindeer.

It's not Sydney, said the Stupid Looking Snowman. Sydney is bigger, not smaller.

This isn't smaller, said Branch Member One. It's the same, with a lid.

Yeah, said Branch Member Two. It's the same, with a lid.

I didn't say it was smaller, said the Snowman.

I know! said Lavender.

What? asked the Snowman.

What? asked the Cute Reindeer.

What? asked Father Christmas, Mother Christmas, and the Bag of Presents.

It's time to go, said Lavender. Today is Thursday. You must all keep very quiet and still.

Waiting for Thursday

2011-12-06T21:19:00.000-08:00

What happens now? said Lavender expectantly.

We wait, said the Cute Reindeer.

What for? asked Lavender.

Thursday, said the Cute Reindeer.

When is that? asked Lavender.

Don't know, said the Cute Reindeer.

Branch Member One nudged Branch Member Two.

She doesn't know, said Branch Member One.

Yeah, said Branch Member Two. Yeah... she doesn't know. Do you know?

No, said Branch Member One. But we don't have to know. I thought she would know.

The Stupid Looking Snowman coughed loudly.

What is it? asked Lavender.

I know, said the Stupid Looking Snowman.

When is it? asked Lavender.

Tomorrow, said the Stupid Looking Snowman. I keep my ears open, I do.

You're not so stupid, said Lavender.

Change my name then, said the Stupid Looking Snowman

No, said Lavender. You still look stupid.

Why? asked the Snowman. Is it my hat?

Yes, it's your hat, said Lavender. You look like a startled bee in that hat.

As long as it's my hat, said the Snowman.

You mean, and not your face, said Lavender.

Yes, said the Snowman.

Everyone was silent.

Now what do we do? asked the Bag of Presents.

We wait for Thursday, said Lavender.

Christmas Party Branch Members

2011-12-05T21:10:00.000-08:00

Lavender didn't know exactly what faith was. But she knew she had courage. And she knew how to leap. Gathering her strength she leapt from the window sill across the room to the bookcase and landed in a shoe box full of personages in hats.

The personages, who appeared to be made out of knitting, shuffled awkwardly to make space for Lavender.

Woo! said Lavender. Where have I landed? And who are all of you?

More to the point, who are you? said one of the personages, who was dressed up like Father Christmas. Are you coming with us to Sydney?

Sydney? said Lavender. Who's Sydney?

We don't know, said the Father Christmas. We are just newly minted. We're all going to Sydney on Thursday, and that's all we know.

Why do you look like Father Christmas? said Lavender. And who's everybody else?

We don't know, said another of the other personages, who was wearing a Christmas hat and a red knitted apron. Maybe you know?

You look like Mother Christmas, said Lavender.

Wait a minute, said the Mother Christmas. That's a bit sexist.

Loser, said Lavender. You're wearing an APRON! Now shut up and I'll give you all names.

How come SHE's in charge? muttered one of the the personages from under his tall stripey hat.

Yeah, said the other one who looked much the same. But.... yeah.... she did come out of the sky.

Yeah, yeah...true.... said the other one, nodding his head, and his hat.

Right! Names! said Lavender. Father Christmas, Mother Christmas, Branch Member One, Branch Member Two, Stupid Looking Snowman, Cute Reindeer, Christmas Tree, Bag of Presents.

Oi! said the Bag of Presents. I'm not a bag of presents.

It's your NAME, said Lavender, You don't have to BE a bag of presents.

Alright then, said the Bag of Presents. Just so it's clear.

What's the point of you then? asked the Stupid Looking Snowman.

What's the point of YOU? said the Bag of Presents. A snowman made out of knitting.

Stop it! said Lavender. Let's have no more of this kind of talk.

Everyone was silent.

Lavender was pleased with her leap of faith. She had ended up in charge. Her word was law. She looked forward to Thursday. What would Sydney be like?

Listening From Behind the Envelope

2011-12-04T21:47:00.000-08:00

Baby Pierre strolled over to see Pierre, his mummy.

Hello, Baby Pierre, said his mummy. I see you've been talking to Kobo.

Don't you want to know where I've been? asked Baby Pierre.

I know where you've been, said Pierre. And neither I nor the Manifest Stone approve of you going on errands for Kobo. She's a non-believer, you know.

I'm a non believer as well, said Baby Pierre.

No you're not, said Pierre.

Yes I am, said Baby Pierre.

You shouldn't listen to her, said Pierre.

She's about to read Philosophical Crumbs, said Baby Pierre.

Whatever is that? said Pierre.

It's by Kierkegaard, said Baby Pierre.

A philosopher, said Pierre, dismissively. She's just showing off.

The Manifest Stone began to quiver and hum, and emitted a long high-pitched ommmmmmmm.

It's about whether it's reasonable to believe in a god, said Baby Pierre, or whether it's not. Kierkegaard says that because it's not reasonable, you need to make a leap into faith.

Really, said Pierre. Kobo's reading that? Perhaps she's converted. I must go and see her at once.

She hurried over to Kobo.

Kobo! she cried. Dearest sister! Are you making the leap into faith?

No, said Kobo. I reject Kierkegaard's philosophy. I am just reading him for the jokes.

Jokes! said Pierre. That is shocking!

He's witty said Kobo, and writes well. He's puzzling and surprising and makes me laugh. But he hasn't convinced me to take the leap of faith.

You lack courage, said Pierre. That is just like you. I see you haven't put in your new eyes yet. You probably never will.

Oh go away, Pierre, said Kobo. You're the one who is blind.

Lavender was listening to this most serious conversation from her place behind the envelope of seeds.

I am going to make a leap of faith! she said to herself. And I'm not going to tell ANYONE.

Philosophical Crumbs

2011-12-03T16:13:00.000-08:00

Are you going to put them in, Aunty Kobo? asked Baby Pierre.

I don't think so, not yet, said Kobo. I think I'll just keep them in this hessian bag until Ageless comes round.

I thought you wanted them desperately, said Baby Pierre.

I've been reading Kierkegaard, said Kobo. And I now see things differently. Life is about repetition, not radical change.

No, aunty, said Baby Pierre. You can't have read Kierkegaard properly, if that's what you think. What are you reading exactly?

Repetition and Philosophical Crumbs, said Kobo. But I haven't begun Philosophical Crumbs. Have you read it, Baby Pierre?

Bet he HASN'T! said Lavender. Bet he's just showing off.

Alright, smarty clever clogs, I haven't, said Baby Pierre. But I've read Potted Philosophers, and I know Kierkegaard was the father of existentialism and also a Christian, who invented the term Leap of Faith.

I don't like the sound of that much, said Kobo. I might leave Philosophical Crumbs. Now, as you are so knowledgeable, Baby Pierre.......

Knowledgeable! sniggered Lavender. He's only read Potted Philosophers.

I'm sure it's more than you've read, Lavender, said Kobo severely.

Lavender went off behind an envelope full of dried seeds, to sulk.

Now as I was saying, continued Kobo, as you're so well-informed, Baby Pierre, can you recommend any other philosophers to me, preferably beginning with K ?

Kant, said Baby Pierre.

Oh, never mind then, said Kobo.

A Strange Bewildered Look

2011-12-02T22:02:00.000-08:00

Kobo was reading up on Kierkegaard's personal life. He did have a girlfriend.

Thought so, said Kobo.

Kierkegaard had been engaged to his girfriend, whose name was Regine. She was younger than he was, and pretty. Then Kierkegaard had decided he wasn't cut out for marriage.

Hey! said Kobo. Don't I know this story?

Kierkegaard had broken off the engagement, pretending that he had deceived Regine with another girl. He was a long time coming to terms with what he'd done.

Some philosopher, said Kobo. He only thought of himself. What about Regine? Did she marry someone else?

But the text didn't say.

It did say what Kierkegaard looked like. A friend had described him like this: His hair rose up a good six inches above his forehead into a tousled crest that gave him a strange bewildered look.

That's not how I pictured him, said Kobo. I am so disappointed.

Just then Baby Pierre and Lavender arrived, with the eyes in the hessian bag.

Hello Aunty Kobo, said Lavender. I've brought back Baby Pierre, and your eyes.

No she hasn't, said Baby Pierre. I was coming back anyway. And I've brought the eyes.

Thank you dear, said Kobo. I don't suppose Ageless is with you?

No, he stayed at the museum, said Baby Pierre. He's involved in some sort of display.

Tell me, said Kobo. Is Ageless handsome?

Lavender stifled a snort.

Not at the moment, said Baby Pierre.

Happy Endings in Sight

2011-12-01T22:31:00.001-08:00

Kobo had finished Repetition. Now she got it. Kierkegaard was saying that life was a repetition. The young man had got his life back. Now he could start all over again, but he had learned something. This was opposed to the Platonic view, where he would have already known it in the first place.

That is deep, said Kobo. I wonder if Kierkegaard had a girlfriend?

.......

Back in the Pacific Cultures Gallery, the existential debate continued.

If you don't care about anything, why are you looking for your daddy? asked Baby Pierre.

Shut up, Baby Pierre, said Lavender. Just SHUT UP!

Uuurrgh, said Ageless,

What's the matter? asked Mr Lee.

I think I'm beginning to moult, said Ageless. I don't feel very well.

It may be the corn chips, said Mr Lee.

I doubt it, said Ageless. It's the crack in my head. I shall have to leave you all soon and go back to the sea for a while.

Don't go, said Mr Lee. We have a new exhibition coming up called The Abyss. We're having a water tank and everything. You can do it in there.

In front of everyone? said Ageless.

We'd pay you, said Mr Lee, temptingly.

Alright, said Ageless. It's a deal.

Wooo! said Baby Pierre. I would never do something like that.

Stupid! How could you do something like that? said Lavender.

Shut up, Lavender, said Baby Pierre. You don't know anything. I'm going home.

I rescued you, said Lavender. We'll go home together, so Kobo can see.

Take these with you, said Ageless, handing a small hessian bag to Baby Pierre.

Give it to me, said Lavender, I'll take it. What's in it?

Kobo's new calcite eyes, said Ageless.

Eeuuww! said Lavender. I don't want them. Are they sticky?

No, said Mr Lee. They're as hard as a rock.

Hardly Seems Like Philosophy

2011-11-30T22:05:00.000-08:00

Kobo couldn't believe Constantine Constantius. He advised his young friend to pretend he had another girlfriend on the side! But the young man couldn't face pretending to be guilty of deception when he was innocent. Instead, he decided to run away. Luckily for everyone, the original girlfriend in the meantime had got married to somebody else.

Hoorah! said Kobo. That is what I would have done. But this hardly seems like philosophy. It's more like a novel.

........

The lecture was finished.

Did you enjoy it? asked Mr Lee.

No, said Ageless. I'm worried now, about the warming of the Southern Ocean. I don't like to think of the shells of my fellow creatures being softened due to rising ocean temperatures.

Why would you care? said Lavender. I wouldn't care.

You ought to care, Lavender, said Baby Pierre. Imagine if your shell had been soft. You wouldn't have made an impression in your stone. You would have just decomposed.

So I wouldn't care, said Lavender. Because I wouldn't be here.

You aren't here anyway, said Baby Pierre. You're always telling us you're just empty space.

I am empty space, said Lavender, but I do have a shape.

Well, you wouldn't have had a shape, said Baby Pierre. If your shell was too soft.

I'd still be me, said Lavender.

No you wouldn't, said Baby Pierre. You'd be nothing.

Then I wouldn't care about others! said Lavender.

You should care about others, said Ageless. Then they'll care about you.

You're soppy, said Lavender. No one cares about me.

That's true, said Baby Pierre.

Well, said Mr Lee. I cared enough about her to want to keep her as a specimen.

Perhaps you're my daddy, said Lavender.

The Happiness of Seals

2011-11-29T21:08:00.000-08:00

Kobo was getting right into Kierkegaard. He was a strange sort of philosopher. He wrote in character. In Repetition he called himself Constantine Constantius. Constantine Constantius had some funny ideas, but you couldn't really blame Kierkegaard for any of them. Constantine Constantius was an older man who was trying to give helpful advice to a younger man. The younger man had split up with his girlfriend, because he had decided that after all he couldn't deal with getting married. The trouble was, how could he get out of it without feeling terribly guilty for the rest of his life?

Ageless should read this, thought Kobo.

........

Ageless was not thinking about Kobo at all. He was in the Pacific Cultures Gallery, sitting next to Mr Lee, munching corn chips, which he had brought up from dowstairs. On the other side of Mr Lee, Lavender and Baby Pierre each occupied a separate seat, althought they could easily have doubled up. Above them, suspended from the ceiling hung two woven straw alligators, and along the walls were various shields, spears and Pacific Cultures masks, arranged in patterns.

The lecture was about the Southern Ocean, which is warming, freshening and acidifying. This is known because scientists drop hundreds of yellow plastic data-gathering transmitter tubes into the ocean, and also attach transmitters to the heads of seals. Sucked in, seals. The speaker had a photo of one of the seals. It looked quite happy with its transmitter sitting on its head just like a fascinator. It smiled and stuck its large pink tongue at the camera. It could easily have been made of wax.

Lavender nudged Baby Pierre.

What? whispered Baby Pierre.

The speaker, Steve Rintoul, went on to say that the transmitters didn't hurt the seals. The transmitters dropped off when their fur began to moult, sometimes even before. As he spoke he looked directly at Lavender who was looking back at him and wondering if he could be her daddy. But she wasn't going to say anything, not this time.

Repetition

2011-11-28T21:08:00.000-08:00

Kobo wasn't really a wanker. She liked the letter K, that was all. So she had chosen Kierkegaard. She knew nothing about him. She opened the book. It was called Repetition. That's amazing, said Kobo, given that I'm doomed to repeat the process of sending my friends to the museum on quests and losing them there. I wonder what Kierkegaard can teach us about that?

.....

Lavender caught the bus to the city. She took her quest seriously. She paid no attention to the man who was singing, and the two who were talking at cross purposes about Mad and Cracked magazines.

She got off the bus, raced across the road and burst into the museum, demanding to know where her friends were.

The information officer guessed at once who she meant.

They're downstairs in the lab with Mr Lee, she said.

Lavender charged downstairs and looked around for a laboratory. Down a dark corridor to the right she saw a door with a LABORATORY sign on it. She kicked it open.

Hah! she said. I'm here!

Who are you? asked Mr Lee.

I'm Lavender! said Lavender. Where's Ageless? Where's Baby Pierre?

We're here, said Ageless. What are you doing here?

Rescuing you! said Lavender. Or kicking you. Where's Baby Pierre?

I'm alright, said Ageless. Baby Pierre is in the cupboard.

Let him out! cried Lavender. He's not a SPECIMEN!

He is, said Mr Lee. And let me look at you! You're a pretty little augur, aren't you.

No way! said Lavender. I'm the space where an augur used to be. And I'm not going in your stinky cupboard. Let Baby Pierre out right now, or I'll.... I'll prick you!

I don't think so, said Mr Lee, given that you're just an empty space. But I take your point. And I apologise. I was acting in the interests of science. I don't know what came over me. I can only say in my defence that I haven't had any lunch.

He opened the cupboard.

Hello Lavender, said Baby Pierre. There are lots of interesting specimens in this cupboard. Want to see?

No, said Lavender. Get down. We're going home.

None of you are going home yet, said Mr Lee. It's nearly time for the Sprigg lecture.

A LECTURE! said Lavender How BORING!!!

Choosing Kierkegaard

2011-11-27T21:22:00.000-08:00

Kobo was furious. Now what? Had Baby Pierre got himself locked in a dark cupboard by Mr Lee, who thought he was an interesting conglomerate?

Or was Baby Pierre, just like his so-called daddy, having her on? That bus trip to the city, the people in tinselly hats, the three boys with their bowl full of livers, couldn't really have happened, could it? So where was that naughty Baby Pierre?

She had two options now. Forget about it, or ask Lavender to help. She decided to ask Lavender.

Lavender was perching nearby on the window sill on the other side of a pale blue saki jar filled with white roses.

Lavender, said Kobo, would you mind catching the bus into town and going in to the museum to check up on Ageless and Baby Pierre? They either need rescuing, or kicking.

Yay! said Lavender. You mean I can go on my own?

Yes, said Kobo. There's no one else here to ask, except Pierre and the Manifest Stone, who are both utterly useless.

I heard that, Kobo! said Pierre. You are the one who is utterly useless, not me. You've corrupted my Baby Pierre. You've alienated your boyfriend. You can't even see out of your shell. And as for the Manifest Stone how dare you criticise the All-Knowing?

The Nothing-Doing, you mean, said Kobo, rudely. Anyway Lavender's going. Now Lavender....

But Lavender had already gone.

Right, said Kobo, now shut up Pierre, and leave me alone.

A pleasure, dear sister, said Pierre.

Now, said Kobo loudly, the only way to deal with these disturbingly ambiguous events is to read something philosophical while I'm waiting. Let me see. I believe I shall choose Kierkegaard.

What a wanker you are, said Pierre.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

2011-11-26T15:49:00.000-08:00

Baby Pierre went straight to the museum shop.

Do you have a positive negative trilobite? he asked the woman behind the counter.

You're out of luck, said the woman. We had one, but we just gave it away to a lobster fellow who was inconvenienced in the Santos Fossils Gallery.

Oh good! said Baby Pierre. I know that lobster! Do you happen to know where he is now?

No, said the woman. But you could enquire at the information desk.

Baby Pierre went to the information desk. I'm looking for a lobster, he said.

The one with the backpack? asked the information officer.

That's him, said Baby Pierre. Do you know where he is?

He went down to the lab with Mr Lee, said the information officer. Down those stairs and to the right.

Baby Pierre thanked her and turned towards the stairs. So! Ageless was not unreliable. His story was true. At least so far.

He reached the bottom of the stairs and followed a dark corridor to the right. He came to a door marked LABORATORY. He knocked.

Come in, said Mr Lee.

Baby Pierre went in. There was a fishy smell in the room, mingled with the odour of coffee.

Ageless! he cried.

What have we here? asked Mr Lee. A small round pebble with the mark of a tulip on its head! A conglomerate perhaps?

I'm Baby Pierre, said Baby Pierre.

Ageless looked out groggily from under the plaster on his head.

Baby Pierre! he said. What are you doing here?

Kobo sent me, said Baby Pierre. She thought you were still in the library. But I knew I'd find you here.

Oh, said Ageless. Is she angry? Is she impatient? I have just experienced a series of unfortunate events.

She thinks you've been playing her for a fool, said Baby Pierre. Pretending her what-ifs had come true.

That serves her right, said Ageless. No wait! It doesn't. It serves me right!

Never mess about with counterfactuals, said Mr Lee, sternly. Especially before the event. Afterwards, of course, you can do what you like.

Baby Pierre had always fancied himself as a thinker. He thought hard about this.

He was still thinking, when Mr Lee's hand closed around him, and everything went dark.

Stranger Than Fiction

2011-11-25T22:46:00.000-08:00

Kobo had read Ageless's adventures in the museum with mounting disbelief. So he hoped she was reading it, did he? That proved he was making it up!

He had probably never even left the museum.

She asked Baby Pierre if he would mind checking up on her unreliable boyfriend.

Oh come on, Aunty Kobo! said Baby Pierre. He couldn't have invented it all. He's just winding you up.

But Kobo insisted, so Baby Pierre waited for the rain to stop and then caught the bus into the city.

It was the day of the Norwood Christmas Pageant, and the bus was full of wet people in tinselly hats. Baby Pierre had to sit at the back.

Three boys got on with a big canvas bag, a large metal amplifier and a bowl of cooked livers. They attempted to open a window, but the bus windows were locked. The boys laughed. The livers were smelly, but at least they had tried.

Baby Pierre was glad when he had to get off. Now, should he go to the museum or the library?

That depended on the exact point in Ageless's story where it had turned counterfactual. He was sure it was after the hypnotism, which had the ring of truth. Baby Pierre had seen QI as well.

Yes, he would go to the museum. Ageless would be there. In fact, if the story was true, he might be in need of first aid.

All Her What-Ifs

2011-11-24T17:15:00.000-08:00

I assure you I do have the sort of brains that can ooze out, said Ageless, highly offended. You've been reading the wrong sort of website.

What do you mean? asked Mr Lee, looking around for something to wipe up his spoiled lunch.

The ones that tell you how to kill and cook a lobster, said Ageless. They all insist we don't have brains, because it suits them to believe we don't feel pain. But the scientific ones say that we do.

I know, said Mr Lee crossly, drumming his fingers on the back of his giant trilobite, so that it rocked alarmingly. I am a scientist myself, remember, and I specialise in arthropods. You may have a sort of brain, but it is composed of simple ganglia. They allow you to feel pain, but they don't ooze out.

They DO! said Ageless, firmly. Of course I don't intend to prove it.

He was about to turn tail and leave Mr Lee to his dirty floor and rocking giant trilobite when all at once the giant trilobite rolled off the desk and fell on top of Ageless, cracking him on the head.

Oh help! cried Ageless. Look what's happened now!

He lay on the floor half-stunned, waving his legs helplessly. What was it Kobo had said? What if, what if....? All her what-ifs had come to pass. He looked at the uncarpetted floor. It was slippery with something that looked and smelled like lobster juice. But it could easily have been sushi mixed with milky coffee. On the other hand it could well be his brains.

This was all Kobo's fault.

Ageless hoped that she was reading this.

What If?

2011-11-23T16:41:00.000-08:00

Ageless and Mr Lee went downstairs to Mr Lee's laboratory. It was full of shelves and glass cases, dimly lit.

Would you like an iced coffee before we start? asked Mr Lee.

No thanks, said Ageless. I told you I don't like ice.

There's no ice in iced coffee, said Mr Lee. You add it, if you want it. Why don't you like it?

It presages death for lobsters, said Ageless. They keep us on ice before they drop us into boiling water.

Oh bad luck! said Mr Lee, feelingly. Well I'll have one, if you don't mind. And do you mind if I also eat my lunch? It's sushi.

Go ahead, said Ageless, wrinkling up his nose.

Mr Lee went over to the fridge and took out an iced coffee and a small plastic tray of sushi. He opened the coffee and put it on his desk next to the tray.

Now, said Mr Lee, I'll show you my giant trilobite.

He leaned across Ageless to lift his giant trilobite down from an upper shelf.

Oops! said Mr Lee, dropping the giant trilobite onto his lunch.

Sheeezz! said Ageless. This is getting too much like Kobo's counterfactual for my liking.

What are you talking about? asked Mr Lee crossly. Look at my lunch, it's ruined!

What if your giant trilobite had rolled off the table and cracked me on the head? What if my brains oozed out? said Ageless. That could easily have happened.

No it couldn't, said Mr Lee.

Why not? said Ageless. Don't tell me you are of the opinion that a counterfactual can't happen?

It's not that, said Mr Lee, I don't quite know if I should say this, but I'm sure you know.....

What? said Ageless, moving slightly to avoid the dripping coffee and falling lumps of fishy-smelling rice.

A lobster. said Mr Lee, has a primitive nervous system and doesn't have the sort of brain that can ooze out.

Ice Wind and Waves

2011-11-22T22:52:00.000-08:00

All sorted? asked Dr Suzanne Miller.

Yes, said Mr Lee. He's having the positive negative.

Good choice, said Dr Suzanne Miller. Would you like it in a bag, Mr Ageless?

No thank you, said Ageless. I have a backpack at the information desk.

Well goodbye then, Mr Ageless, said Dr Suzanne Miller. Perhaps we shall see you next week at the final Sprigg Lecture for the year?

Err...what is it about? asked Ageless.

Ice, Wind and Waves, said Dr Suzanne Miller.

Count me in, said Ageless. We lobsters don't like ice, but two out of three's not bad.

Mr Lee accompanied him to the information desk.

I need to pick its eyes out, said Ageless.

The trilobite's? said Mr Lee. Maybe I can help you. And if you're not pressed for time, perhaps you'd like to see my own collection of fossils in the lab downstairs. I have some trilobites, including several giant ones.

I would, said Ageless, little realising the counterfactual that was about to happen.

Defunct

2011-11-21T20:49:00.000-08:00

Speaking German! marvelled Ageless. What a thought!

Not really, shrugged Doctor Suzanne Miller. It's a common enough counterfactual. Imagine, on the other hand if Hitler had a different name entirely, such as Butler.

Ageless was impressed.

You are a brainy woman, he said.

I was born in Scotland, said Dr Suzanne Miller.

Nevertheless, said Ageless, chivalrously.

Fortunately by then they had arrived at the Museum Shop. Mr Lee pointed to the cabinet that contained the trilobites.

Do please choose one, Mr Ageless, said Dr Suzanne Miller. Take your time. She walked over to the counter to explain the situation to the sales assistant.

Ageless peered into the cabinet. All the trilobites looked very small. But then Kobo was quite small. Any one of them would do. He decided to choose the one that was the most expensive. But he could only see one trilobite that had a price tag. The price was $199.00. Was that expensive? For all he knew it could be cheap.

That's a good one, said Mr Lee, pointing to the one with the tag. It's a positive negative fossil, which is always nice. That means you get the fossil and the rock it was embedded in. See?

Hmmm, said Ageless. Hmmm. Is it ... is it the best one? I'm looking for a trilobite with calcite eyes.

I see you know your fossils, said Mr Lee, appreciatively. Yes I think this one has eyes.

But are they working? persisted Ageless.

Working? said Mr Lee. It's a fossil.

What does that mean? said Ageless.

It's pretty much defunct, said Mr Lee.

Oh, said Ageless. Well never mind, I'll have it anyway.

The Kindness of Strangers

2011-11-20T21:42:00.000-08:00

Please calm down, Mr...umm..., began Dr Suzanne Miller.

Ageless, said Ageless.

Mr Ageless, she continued. What a lovely name for a lobster. Its significance is certainly not lost on me. Now, Mr Ageless, I'm very sorry to have to tell you that trilobites are not currently on display here in the museum.

Not on display! spluttered Ageless. Why not?

Ask Santos, said Dr Suzanne Miller. They sponsor the Fossils Gallery. However, we may have one or two trilobites in the Museum Shop.

In the shop! repeated Ageless. Don't tell me you expect me to BUY one!

No, no, Mr Ageless, said Dr Suzanne Miller placatingly. In view of the inconvenience you've suffered...

Indeed! said Ageless. Inconvenience with knobs on!

Tang and Dragon d'Or began to snigger. Their teacher silenced them with the most severe of looks.

In view of that, said Dr Suzanne Miller, I think it only fair that we should take you to the Museum Shop and allow you to choose a trilobite to take home with you.

How kind, said Ageless, with a triumphant look at Tang and Dragon d'Or. And maybe THEY should pay for it.

No, no, said Dr Suzanne Miller. They were just being boys.

Well, said Ageless. I would like to whack them with a ruler.

Everyone looked horrified.

Only joking, said Ageless.

Tang and Dragon d'Or went back to join their classmates, with their teacher. Mr Lee and Dr Suzanne Miller walked Ageless over to the Museum Shop.

No one spoke. It was awkward. Ageless thought perhaps he ought to start a conversation.

Do you ever wonder what would have happened if Hitler had won the war? he asked his companions.

We would all be speaking German, said Dr Suzanne Miller.

Ageless was astonished. It had never crossed his mind that THAT might be the answer.

An Unflattering Description of The Museum

2011-11-19T16:43:00.000-08:00

The schoolboy, whose name was Tang, held Ageless in a remorseless grip.

Go on, said his friend Dragon d'Or. I bet you can't.

I can, said Tang. I saw Stephen Fry do it on QI last week.

Ageless couldn't believe what he was hearing. He quite liked Stephen Fry.

Tang began to stroke his back from nose to mid point rhythmically. Almost immediately Ageless found he had lost the ability to move.

Tang! called out his teacher. What are you up to over there?

He's found a lobster, miss! said Dragon d'Or.

Bring it here at once, said the teacher. Tang! Did you find this in the Marine Invertebrates Gallery?

No miss, said Tang. It was in here, looking at the fossils.

Don't be ridiculous Tang, said the teacher. It's obviously dead. Wait till Mr Lee has finished his fossil talk, and then we'll hand it in.

Ageless was outraged, but there was nothing he could do.

Mr Lee looked puzzled when he was handed the supine Ageless, and frowned at Tang and Dragon d'Or.

Nevertheless he invited them to come with him to the New Specimens Room, where the lobster could be properly identified.

Soon Ageless found himself flat out on a specimen table. He was starting to get some feeling back in his legs. He sat up. There were several people standing round the specimen table, including Tang, Dragon d'Or, their teacher, Mr Lee and Dr Suzanne Miller.

It's an arthropod, said Dr Suzanne Miller. But somewhat unusual.

I am indeed! said Ageless. And I am not accustomed to being treated in his manner. This would never happen in the library! However, forgive and forget, that's my motto. Now, can ANY of you people tell me where in this hotchpotch rabbit warren of galleries and staircases I might find some TRILOBITES!

Hypnosis in the Fossil Gallery

2011-11-18T22:46:00.000-08:00

Excuse me sir! called the information officer. Excuse me!

Ageless turned around at the bottom of the stairs.

Yes? said Ageless.

No backpacks in the museum, said the information officer officiously.

Ageless was annoyed. How was he to steal anything without his backpack? He had little choice, however, because the information officer had followed him to the stairs.

Thank you sir, she said, pulling at his backpack.

Eowwwh! said Ageless. That hurt!

Sorry sir, said the information officer. Is there anything I can help you with at all?

How do I get to Level Three? asked Ageless. I'm interested in looking at the trilobites.

The information officer looked blank.

Trilobites? she said. Are they some sort of fossils?

Of course they are, said Ageless. What sort of information officer are you? Perhaps you could inform me whether or not there's a lift?

Through there, said the information officer, pointing. There's a lift at the end of the Aboriginal Cultures Gallery.

Thank you, said Ageless, glad he didn't have to climb up all those stairs.

He came out of the lift on Level Three and blinked. It was rather dark. Then he saw in front of him a door leading to the Santos Fossils Exhibition. He went in. A group of schoolchildren was sitting on the floor listening to a man tell them about the fossils.

He gazed around the room. Where were the trilobites? He could see ammonites and belemnites, opalised snail shells and fossilised dinosaur bones, but there wasn't a single trilobite to be seen!

They must be somewhere else, he thought.

He was about to wander into the next gallery when he was roughly seized from behind.

Hey guys! A lobster! said a schoolboy's voice. Who wants to see me hypnotise a lobster?

Suspicion

2011-11-17T22:32:00.000-08:00

Ageless was alarmed by Kobo's letter. He was sure he wouldn't look as handsome flat. He decided to go to the museum straight away, and see how difficult it would be to steal two eyes. He could work out how to fit them onto Kobo later.

He ambled over from the library to the museum. It was hot and he proceeded slowly. On the way he amused himself by wondering what would have happened if Butler had won the war. He rather wished that Kobo had spelled it with a double t. Buttler. If Buttler won the war he would kick butts. He thought that would be very funny....for an American. For himself, he always preferred the term bottom.

He entered the museum. Ahh. It was refreshingly cool. And there was a thick red carpet on the grand central staircase. He must remember to tell Kobo. No he mustn't. Was it him who'd said there wouldn't be a carpet, or was it her? Sometimes he got confused about who'd said what.

He shuffled up to the information board. Fossils were on Level Three. He moved towards the staircase, unaware that the information officer was eying him suspiciously.

Nothing Sticking Out

2011-11-16T21:54:00.000-08:00

Kobo didn't know who Hitler was, but she was sure he didn't get his name because he hit people. She asked Baby Pierre to ask Pierre, his mummy. Pierre said she would ask the Manifest Stone. The Manifest Stone answered ommmmmmm. Pierre relayed this answer to Baby Pierre who then told Kobo: Hitler is an om. Hmmm thought Kobo. Is that English or French?

She wrote back to Ageless.

dear ageless (she wrote)
i'mm not thick. you are the one who doesn't know who hitler is. you are thick for thinking that if hitler won the war he would hit people. what if hitler was called cutler, ageless? would he win the war and cut people?

what if he was called butler??? ha ha ageless it doesn't mmake any sense.

and anyway, everybody knows that hitler is an ommmm.

ageless i amm becommming worried about the new eye you are going to steal for me, although of course i don't approve of stealing. i amm worried because i only have one aperture. i amm not sure one eye alone will work, what about the depth of vision, ageless, what?

how handsomme will you be if you look flat?

and as for kissing i know about kissing ageless. i will not know where to kiss you if there is nothing sticking out for me to kiss.

help mme out ageless

love frommm your smmarter-than-you but unhappy girlfriend kobo clammm

Whoever Hitler Is

2011-11-15T17:31:00.000-08:00

Ageless did not like the tone of Kobo's reply. He wrote back at once.

haha kobo!!! ( he wrote )

YOU are thick!!!

at the talk on counterfactuals,,,, i learned this,,,,,,,,history has to HAPPEN first,,,,THEN you make up a stupid different story,,,,,WHAT IF hitler had won the war???? there is a book about it ,,,,,whoever hitler is,,,,,he would have hit people,,,,hitler,,,,yes even the clever lobsters and the creamy girly clams,,,,,

you didn't do a counterfactual,,,,,you made up your stupid story too soon,,,,i haven't even been to the museum yet ha ha,,,!! i might not go,,,,,especially NOW,,,,, i am in danger of being smashed on the head by a falling trilobite,,,,and slipping on the carpet,,,,,yerk!! i don't think they have a carpet kobo,,, you don't know anything,,,,

i don't have to go kobo,,,,i know the answer,,,,their eyes had double lenses, two layers of calcite with different refractive indices,,,,, who is the thick one now kobo????,,,,not me,,,, not ageless

i think you WANT me to go,,,kobo,,,to the museum,,,,really???

four millimetres,,,mmm,,, that is not very big,,,,tell baby pierre that when ageless sees him ageless will give him a ruler,,,whack whack,,, don't tell him i might be only joking

kissykiss
from your boyfriend
ageless lobster

Counterfactuals

2011-11-14T20:17:00.000-08:00

Kobo disapproved of stealing. She decided she had better make that clear.

dear ageless (she wrote)
sorry ageless dear about the commmas. and thankyou for prommmising to go to the museummm to steal a calcite eye. but ageless i do not approve of stealing. i was thinking mmore of learning how they work. i think a rigid lens could not accommmmodate for focal length. once the problemmm is explained (by you dear ageless) i shall ask baby pierre to get mme a prescription frommm the optommmmmetrist

the mmeasuremment of mmy aperture is four mmmillimmmetres in diammeter. according to our scallywag, who mmay be wrong because he has lost his ruler and is guessing

now agelesss, i have to tell you off. i think that you have got the wrong end of the stick about the heads and car bonnets. surely ageless the idea is to save heads, not bonnets. it is typical of you to get it wrong

and ageless yes i know about counterfactual history. i hope you are capable of understanding it. you are quite thick sommetimmmes. the idea is you say WHAT IF? to history

what if you,ageless, went to the mmuseummm and tried to steal a trilobite? what if you opened up the glass case and the trilobite, which was a big one, rolled out and smmashed you on the head? what if you had to spend the night in the mmuseummm amongst the scary bones with your brains oozing out onto the carpet? what if there was no carpet so the floor was slippery as well?

you see how it works ageless? you learn something frommm thinking counterfactually

bye bye now hurry up ageless i amm waiting

kiss kiss frommm your girlfriend kobo clamm

Just Rubber Ones

2011-11-13T21:43:00.000-08:00

Ageless did not take kindly to the criticsm of his commas. Although he was busy he replied at once.

dear kobo (he wrote),,,,,,now it is you kobo who are rude,,,,and you who are INSENSITIVE!!! ,,,why do you think i make so many commas kobo??? do you think it is for punctuation purposes???? no kobo,,,,,,,,,, it is because it is difficult to type with lobster claws,,,,,,,clikclik,,,,,sorry to be TEDIOUS!!

kobo i have been very busy seeing the heads being fired at the cars at the university,,,,,,,,, it is research week this week,,,, a human head can damage the bonnet of a car quite badly,,,,,who knew???,,,,,imagine what a lobster's head might do,,,,,splattt,,,yerk,,,,,,,,,nothing probably,,,,hee hee,,,,,,clikclik,,,they weren't real human heads just rubber ones!! tomorrow i am going to a talk on counterfactual history,,,,,do you know what that is???

you know kobo i used to think i had all the time in the world ,,,then i became your friend and you were always in a hurry for me to do something,,,,remember when you wanted me to find you,,,,, you said you had fallen off the window sill down a horrid smelly hole,,,,,because you had been laughing,,,,,,but you were just pretending,,,,

so now kobo i do not jump to do everything you want immediately,,,but i will go to the museum for you soon,,,,old ageless has a plan,,,,,, but i need to know the measurement of your biggest hole,,,,oops sorry kobo....aperture,,,, because i am going to steal a trilobite eye for you kobo,,, then i will bring it to you,,,, and you can put it in,,,ooh,,,clikclik,,,,and see me for the first time kobo,,,,i am a handsome lobster,,,,,do you believe me????

yours forever,,, creamy girlfriend,,,,ooh,,,kisskisss

ageless lobster

Apertures

2011-11-12T16:44:00.000-08:00

Kobo was a little disappointed. Ageless remained as insensitive as ever. She had not liked his reference to her holes. And he was still so unreliable. When would he actually get round to visiting the museum? But at least he had responded, so she ought to persevere.

dear ageless (she replied),
how rude you are. don't you know how rude it is to ask the size of people's holes? well now you do. i ammm offended please next timme refer to APERTURES.

well ageless thanks for asking. i do not know the size or nummmber of mmmy apertures. so i asked baby pierre. you are right he is a little scallywag. do you know what he said agelesss do you?? baby pierre said by apertures do you mmean holes?

this shows mmore than anything, mmore than your precious mmark of the lobster claw, that if he is not your natural son he should be you are both so rude.

anyway ageless he said i had one big one and several that were extremmely smmall. i hope that helps. he also said that the big one was on mmmy underside ( but he did not say underside!!!) and that it would not be a good place for an eye. yes i could kill himmm too, and i'mmm not joking ageless.

when are you going to the mmuseummm ageless?? what is this about the university??? and firing heads at cars from yellow mmmachines??? is that what happens nowadays at universities????? it sounds like mmore like mmmythbusters to mme

dear ageless i know you are busy but i will be your girlfriend i prommmise i will kiss you do you really think i look creammmy that is nice i would ask baby pierre if it is true but it is too emmmbarrassing asking himm

and ageless do try and use less commmmmmas will you, it is very tedious reading all those commmas

love frommmm kobo clammmmmm

kisss kisss mmmm

Not To Say You Don't Have Holes

2011-11-11T22:54:00.000-08:00

Ageless was at the library when he received Kobo's communication. He wrote back straight away.

oooh,,,,clikclik,,,,, dear kobo is it really you and you are not angry with me????
this is my lucky day,,,,,and your lucky day,,,,i am still wanting to kiss you ,,,,but not in a nice way,,,,,i mean not too nice,,,,,,clikclik

sorry kobo i did not mean that sorry,,,,,i was too excited by your words,,,,,i did mean nice,,,,

i will go to the museum for you kobo it is just next door,,,,they have a collection of trilobite fossils there including giant ones,,,,what size eyes do you want??? i will get some for you,,,but it might be hard,,,,they are in a glass case,,,,

i am in the library now,,, i have a book on trilobites,,,,,, they do have calcite eyes that is calcium carbonate,,, how strange,,,,,,,calcium carbonate is transparent in its purest crystalline form,,,,,they could see through their crystal eyes,,,,,,,have you got holes in your head for the calcite eyes dear pretty kobo????,,,,,,have you???? ,,,,,,,,,yes i did see you through the kitchen window you are very,,,,,clikclik,,,,creamy,,,,,but i did not see your holes,,,,that is not to say you don't have holes,,,,,,,i bet you have,,,,kobo,,, clikclik,,,,,

by the way who told you that i saw you??? was it that scallywag baby pierre????,,i'll kill him,,,only joking kobo,,,

i'm busy tomorrow i have to go to something at the university i will tell you all about it next time it's about testing cars for safety by firing heads at them from a yellow machine,,,,i will like it,,,you will like it too,,,,,,oh kobo

kisss kisss clik,,,,,

from ageless lobster!!!

New Opening

2011-11-10T22:24:00.000-08:00

Kobo stopped reading. Two things had excited her imagination. One, that trilobites had eyes made of calcite. Two, that Margaret and Gaius might be about to fall in love.

Immediately she thought of Ageless. She hadn't contacted him for months. It served him right of course. She knew that he had come by one evening and looked at her through the kitchen window. And then he had fallen off the window sill and carelessly squashed Frog. But Ageless was Ageless. He was unreliable, and you couldn't really blame him for that.

She decided it was time to restart things between them. Perhaps this time they too would fall in love. Oh, love!

mmy dear ageless ( she wrote)

it is such a long timmmme since we had commmmunications. it is your fault. i forgive you ageless.

ageless i know you work nowadays in the library. that is near the mmmuseum is it not???? have you ever heard of trilobites ageless???? trilobites had eyes that were mmmade of stones.

i learned this from a blog i'mmm reading, gaius in the blog is a natural historian he says their eyes were mmmade of calcite

ageless you are mmmy friend the only friend i can trust well no but you are mmmy friend

will you go to the mmuseum for mmme and learn about the eyes of calcite???? i have always longed to SEE, it is HORRID HORRID to live in the darkness of being a fossilised clammmm.

ageless if you help mmme you can be mmmy boyfriend immagine that!!! and i could see you and you could kiss mmme

in a nice way, ageless

mmmmmmm

frommm kobo clammmm

Understandings

2011-11-09T22:21:00.001-08:00

Leave the chicken and icecreams with us, said The VeloDrone.

Okay, said the president. Enjoying yourselves?

Mmmm, said Le Bon David, eying the esky.

Yes, said The VeloDrone. All these rocks. It's hard not to.

The president smiled benevolently and wandered off.

You'll note, said The VeloDrone, that I didn't say what would happen to the chicken and icecreams.

Noted, said Le Bon David. Shall we eat them on the train?

We shall, said The VeloDrone. Let's go.

......

Meanwhile Margaret and Gaius were deep in fascinating conversation.

I should very much like to see this Exeloo you speak of, Margaret, said Gaius. And the Contemplation, and the Tjilbruke monument as well. You obviously know a great deal about this coastline.

Oh yes, said Margaret, but it's always nicer to be with someone who appreciates what they're seeing.

I'm sure that David and Vello appreciated what you showed them, said Gaius.

I'm not so sure they did, said Margaret, but I somehow feel that you would. Did you know, she continued, that the fossilised remains of giant red kangaroos have been found inland from the southern end of this beach?

Wonderful, said Gaius. I take it you are interested in fossils?

I am, said Margaret. I am particularly interested in trilobites.

So am I , said Gaius, Did you know that their eyes were made of calcite?

Yes. How good is that, said Margaret.

Not very good I shouldn't have thought, said Gaius.

Margaret giggled.

Gaius understood that she thought he'd made a joke.

Pre-ordered Icecreams

2011-11-08T21:49:00.000-08:00

Margaret looked at Gaius. She hadn't paid much attention to him before, when he'd been talking to the president. He reminded her of an old Roman, even though he wasn't wearing sandals, but sensible enclosed shoes like everyone else.

Hello Gaius, she said. What's all this fun you've been having?

We've been looking at Black Cliff, said Gaius. We identified glacial striations, chatter marks and crescentic gouges in the bedrock. Then we found evidence of the more recently formed layers of fossiliferous sandstone.

Oh where? asked Margaret. I'm sorry I missed seeing that.

Over there, said Gaius, waving a finger in the general direction of the layers of fossiliferous sandstone.

Will you show me? asked Margaret. I shouldn't like to go home without having seen it. And did you find the place where you can stand with one foot in the Permian.....

....and one in the Pleistocene! Yes! said Gaius. I'll show you that too Margaret. Come with me.

Wait a minute, Gaius, said Le Bon David. Have you saved us any chicken?

No, said Gaius. I assumed you had eaten something at Kingston.

We did, said Le Bon David, but it was a mere mouthful.

It was a whole foccaccia, said Margaret.

She walked off with Gaius over the calcrete layer and rubbly limestone that lay around the rim of the Hallett Cove amphitheatre.

They're getting on well, observed The VeloDrone.

Yes, said Le Bon David. We're saved.

The president came up, with an esky.

Where did Gaius and Margaret go? he asked. I've got Margaret's chicken, and two pre-ordered icecreams.

Meet Margaret

2011-11-07T21:01:00.000-08:00

No no, Gaius isn't married at all, said The VeloDrone. Not as far as I know. Are you married at all, Margaret?

I'm a widow, said Margaret.

Oh, said The VeloDrone. Aha. Well, let us hurry along. It is getting near lunch time.

They retraced their steps past the Contemplation and up and around the cliff path back to the Exeloo at Marino Rocks.

Phew! said Le Bon David. That was taxing! I say, where is everyone?

They looked around, but the Field Geologists were nowhere to be seen.

What's the time? asked Margaret, looking at her watch. Oh it's twelve thirty. They'll have gone on to Hallett Cove, in the bus.

What! said Le Bon David. Why?

That was the plan, said Margaret. There's nowhere to sit here. We were going to have the picnic lunch on the grass at Hallett Cove. Never mind, we can walk.

No we can't, said Le Bon David. I've had enough.

We'll catch the train, then, said Margaret. The station is just up the road.

There's a train? said The VeloDrone. Does it go back to town?

NO! said Margaret. Well, it does, but we are not going back into town. Whatever are you thinking!

Nothing, said The VeloDrone. Alright, let's catch the train. Gaius owes us some of his chicken.

So he does, said Le Bon David. Two thirds of his chicken. I could just do with that. And icecream was mentioned.

And an introduction, said Margaret.

......

They walked up the road to the station and waited for the train. Half an hour later they arrived at Hallett Cove to find Gaius and the Field Geologists sitting on the grass polishing off the last of the chickens.

They sat down next to Gaius.

Where have you been? asked Gaius, wiping chicken grease from his lips. You've missed all the fun.

Not all of it, said Le Bon David. Gaius, meet Margaret.

Gaius looked at Margaret.

Hello Margaret, he said.

Coming Down

2011-11-06T21:48:00.000-08:00

You're very sharp, Mr Vello, said Margaret. For a philosopher, she added.

I'm not just any philosopher, said The VeloDrone. I've been at it for a very long time, and so has David.

Why haven't I heard of you? said Margaret. It's not as though there are many philosophers about these days. There's that nice young Alain de Botton....

Yes yes, Alain de Botton! said The Velodrone. There is him. But perhaps you've heard of Voltaire and David Hume?

That's you? exclaimed Margaret.

One of them is, said The VeloDrone. Guess which one.

You are Voltaire , said Margaret, because David is too fat. I apologise for not knowing who you were. We weren't introduced. Well well, I am in luck!

The VeloDrone was already regretting that he had revealed himself.

In luck, he said faintly.

Yes, said Margaret. Because I'm learning French.

Aha, said The VeloDrone. David is excellent at French. Shall we go down?

They went down the zigzag path and found Le Bon David snoozing in the sun.

Bonjour David, said Margaret. Comment ca va?

Pardon? said David, waking suddenly. Oh Margaret. It's you. Why are you speaking in French?

Margaret is taking lessons, said The Velodrone quickly. And she's heard that you speak excellent French.

I speak excellent French for a Scotsman, said Le Bon David. Vello here is your man if you want a native speaker.

And here's something that will amuse you, David, said The VeloDrone. She thinks you're too fat to be me.

What does she mean? said Le Bon David. I've lost weight since I rode in the Tour de France.

You rode in the Tour de France! said Margaret. Now I'm really in luck. I'm thinking of buying a bicycle....

I think it's time we got back to the Field Geologists picnic, said Le Bon David. We were going to introduce you to Gaius. He rides a bicycle too.

Really? said Margaret. Tell me, your friend Gaius, is he married at all?

Picky Picky

2011-11-05T23:03:00.000-07:00

Picky, picky, said Margaret.

I thought you were trying to be nicer, said The VeloDrone.

This is me being nicer, said Margaret. Now, would you two like to reconsider and climb up to look at the Tjilbruke Monument? It's worth it.

But it's so steep, said Le Bon David. Look at all those vertical steps.

We don't have to go up the vertical steps, said Margaret. We can go up the zigzag path and look at the plants on the way.

Oh alright, said The VeloDrone. I'm in. What about you David?

No, I'll wait down here, said Le Bon David. Tell me about it when you get back.

Margaret and The Velodrone zigzagged up the path, past various dead plants, and prickles of interest. At the top they were rewarded by the sight of a huge stone monument, made up of five stones, representing Old Tjilbruke carrying the dead Kulultiwi.

This monument has been here since 1972, said Margaret. The sculptor John Dowie said he found the stones at Tungkillo, lying near one another, as though the sculpture was simply waiting to be assembled.

Eerie, said The VeloDrone. And what's the rock?

Gneiss, said Margaret.

I thought it was meant to be his nephew, said The Velodrone.

Food for Thought

2011-11-04T18:14:00.000-07:00

Margaret seemed to acquiesce. They walked over to the Kingston Caravan Park cafe where Le Bon David ordered a smoked salmon and avocado foccaccia and The VeloDrone ordered salami with semidried tomato. Margaret took a bottle of water from her backpack.

Now, said Le Bon David, tell us the story of Old Tjilbruke.

It's a story from the Dreamtime of the Kaurna people, said Margaret. This is their traditional country. The story explains how the seven freshwater springs between here and Rapid Bay came into existence.

Aha, said Le Bon David. Here's our food! Go on, Margaret.

Old Tjilbrike was a man of the law, continued Margaret. One day his nephew Kulultuwi killed an emu that should have been Tjilbruke's to kill. Tjilbruke forgave his nephew, but some time later Kulultuwi was killed by his two half brothers for breaking the law, or so they claimed. Tjilbruke being a man of the law had to determine whether the killing was legal.

Let me guess, said The VeloDrone, picking at a slice of salami. He found it was illegal.

Yes, said Margaret. He judged it to be murder. So he speared the two brothers and burned them. This happened at Warriparinga, not far from here. Then Tjilbruke carried the partly smoked and dried body of his nephew here to the spring to complete the smoking.

Le Bon David swallowed a piece of smoked salmon thoughtfully. The VeloDrone chewed on a sundried tomato.

Then, said Margaret, he carried the body all the way down the coast to Rapid Bay, for burial in a cave. Many times on the way he wept, overcome by sadness, for he had loved his nephew. In the seven places where Tjilbruke wept seven freshwater springs were formed. After that Tjilbruke no longer wanted to live as a man. His spirit became a bird, the tjilbruke, or glossy ibis, and his body became a rocky outcrop of iron pyrites somewhere north of Nairne.

Bravo the Kaurna people! A wonderful multi-layered story, said The VeloDrone.

Indeed, said Le Bon David. A story of creation, the law, human relationships.....

But there's one thing wrong with it, said The VeloDrone.

What's that? asked Margaret, taking a sip of spring water.

I thought human tears were salty, said The VeloDrone.

Getting On

2011-11-03T23:41:00.000-07:00

Lick it! said Le Bon David. Lick the sand?

Well, you don't have to lick it, said Margaret, but you could.

Why would we? asked The VeloDrone.

Because, said Margaret grandly, it is wet with the waters of a natural freshwater spring! Come with me, and I'll show you.

They walked a little further round the bay. The sand looked rather powdery and dry.

Oh dear, said Margaret. You can see it sometimes. Perhaps it's better in the evening. The freshwater seeps out through the sand and drains into the sea. They say it's the tears of Old Tjilbruke.

She waited for The VeloDrone or Le Bon David to ask her about Old Tjilbruke, but neither of them seemed inclined to do so.

Is that the cafe over there? asked Le Bon David. I rather fancy a nice filled foccaccia, or baguette.

And a coffee, said The VeloDrone.

Margaret looked mightily put out.

Oh, come on, Margaret, said The VeloDrone. You can tell us about Old Tjilbruke later.

Before we do that, she said, I thought we might climb up the hill to the Tjilbruke monument, and see the interesting native vegetation on the way.

She gestured towards the hill. It was small enough but the path looked rather steep.

Margaret, said Le Bon David, I think it's time we had a little talk.

No,no, said Margaret. I know what you're going to say. I always end up overdoing things and driving people mad. I think perhaps they find me rather bossy.

She looked as though she might be going to cry.

There, there, said Le Bon David. Do you know what I think, Margaret? I think we should go to the cafe and have something to eat while you tell us the story of Old Tjilbruke.

Absolutely, agreed The VeloDrone. Then, we should wander back to the Field Geologists' picnic. I think we ought to introduce you to our good friend Gaius. I have a feeling that you and he would get on swimmingly.

of the....

2011-11-02T22:24:00.000-07:00

We're not sitting on rocks! said Margaret crossly.

No, we're sitting on a hard wooden plank, said Le Bon David. I do know the difference. I was merely observing that sand is much nicer to sit on.

I agree with you there, said The VeloDrone. But only in part.

How's that? asked Le Bon David.

It's important to have a rest for the back, said The VeloDrone. Otherwise one can't sit for long. I have often had recourse to digging a small hole, with a pleasantly angled bottom, and a heap of sand for a back rest. That I find is quite comfortable.

As long as the sand is not damp, said Le Bon David.

Agreed, said The VeloDrone. It is advisable to cover it with a large beach towel.

Yes, one should always remember a beach towel, said Le Bon David. As well as a spade.

Is this what philosophers talk about? scoffed Margaret. Here we are, in the midst of the Contemplation, and you're on about beach towels and spades! Do you realise you're sitting on the words of a Croatian poet?

Sorry, Margaret, said The VeloDrone, looking down at the text in the wood.

But Margaret was sitting on it, which made it difficult to read.

"of the....." read The VeloDrone.

Never mind, said Margaret. You two like damp sand. You'll get damp sand. Come with me.

We don't like damp sand, said Le Bon David mildly. We just said.

No matter, said Margaret. You don't sit on this sand, you just lick it.

The Contemplation

2011-11-01T23:12:00.000-07:00

Margaret strode ahead of them along the cliff path.

Phew! said Le Bon David. What a bossy woman!

Come on, said The VeloDrone. We'd better catch up. The sooner we see the Contemplation the sooner we'll get something to eat.

They caught up to Margaret, who had descended into a small bay in which they could see a ship's mast, an upturned cement boat and a flat wooden panel inscribed with text.

Oh no, groaned Le Bon David. Another artwork!

Sit down here, said Margaret. Isn't this tranquil. It's the Contemplation. It is the work of Marjiana Tadic, and it represents the relationships between cultural groups and individuals with the surrounding environment.

Lovely, said The VeloDrone. A sort of shipwreck.

They sat down on the flat panel and contemplated the Contemplation.

Look! said David. It's much nicer around the bend there! It even looks like there might be some sand!

You like sand? asked Margaret. Then you are a geologist after all.

I't's better than rocks, said Le Bon David. You can sit on it comfortably.

Appreciating the Paleoshoreline

2011-10-31T21:42:00.000-07:00

They climbed the wooden steps to the cliff path where Margaret pointed to a lookout with a seat.

We'll sit there for a few minutes, she said. I'll point out some of the geological features to you.

Ahuff..ahuff, puffed Le Bon David. Good idea. I could do with a seat.

Here you see something of the late Precambrian Marinoan sequence, said Margaret. Due to strongly fluctuating sea levels we see silt depositions and thin sandstone intervals along the paleoshoreline....

What's that? asked The VeloDrone.

Excuse me? said Margaret sharply. Don't you know?

No, we are not geologists, said The VeloDrone. Are you talking about those rocks down there?

Yes, said Le Bon David. Are you? Because they just look like small dull-coloured irregular rocks of no particular interest....

Shame on you, said Margaret. You must be looking at the wrong rocks!

I prefer to look at the sea, said Le Bon David. The way it heaves and swells, how it glitters and sparkles, and changes colour with the passing clouds.

David, said The VeloDrone, I have never known you to appreciate the sea.

You've never known me to have so little else to appreciate, said Le Bon David. At least at Port Elliot we saw whales. And then, there were those delicious pies....

Pies! snapped Margaret. You'll get pies! But first I'm determined to get you excited about our coastal landscape! Come on, get up! We're going down to see the Contemplation.

The Exeloo

2011-10-30T21:54:00.000-07:00

Margaret was the bossy type.

First we'll visit the toilet, she said.

I don't need to go, said The VeloDrone. Do you, David?

No, said Le Bon David.

Nor do I, said Margaret. But a visit to the Marino Rocks Exeloo is not to be missed.

Lead on then, Margaret, said The VeloDrone.

Margaret led them around the corner to a public toilet colourfully decorated with mosaics in a triangular design with a coastal theme, featuring cliffs, walking trails, rocks, fish, boats, leafy sea dragons, seabirds, seals and a mermaid.

You see! she said, pointing to Exeloo. This wonderful artwork was completed by local residents in 2006. It is entitled Celebrating our Coast and was designed by the artist Michael Tye. The theme is the cycle of nature and the nature of edges.

The cycle of nature, said Le Bon David. On a toilet. A rare insight.

And the nature of edges, said The VeloDrone. In that case, one might hesitate to enter and sit down.

People usually say that they love the sea creatures, and the mermaid, said Margaret, disapprovingly.

We are philosophers, said Le Bon David. Not naturalists, or artists. I say! Is that a cafe over there?

It is, said Margaret, but we aren't going there.

But it's so close, said Le Bon David. We don't need to do the cliff walk to Kingston if we go there.

No no! Far too expensive! sniffed Margaret, Come on now. Up the steps! Chip chop! Unless you've changed your mind about the loo.

My Name's Margaret.

2011-10-29T17:40:00.000-07:00

It was the day of the Field Geologists picnic. They met in the city and all piled onto the hired bus. Gaius sat next to the president. The VeloDrone and Le Bon David sat behind them.

Where are we going again? asked The VeloDrone.

Who knows? said Le Bon David, glumly. Somewhere rocky, no doubt.

He tapped Gaius on the shoulder.

Where are we going? he asked.

Marino Rocks, said Gaius. A fascinating geological site. Isn't that right? he nudged the president.

Oh yes, said the president. Very fascinating. Of course we've all been there before. Many times. Today is really all about having fun.

Gaius frowned.

Fun? said The VeloDrone. That sounds more like it. What sort of fun?

Well, said the president, we'll be looking for the spot where you can stand with one foot in the Permian and one in the Pre-Cambrian.

Oh, said The VeloDrone. Super!

........

They arrived at Marino Rocks. Everyone got out of the bus. The Field Geologists adjusted their backpacks, put on their hats and prepared to spread out. The beach was very rocky, and there was nowhere to sit down.

There's nowhere to sit down! protested Le Bon David.

You aren't supposed to sit down, said Gaius. Look at all this wonderful geology! What a spectacle! Go and spread out, like the others.

I thought it was a picnic, said Le Bon David. I'm feeling rather peckish already.

Well, eat your own picnic now, said Gaius crossly.

My own picnic, said Le Bon David. I thought I was a guest at this thing!

You are, said Gaius, but if you didn't pre-order a chicken, you had to bring your own food.

Wonderful, said Le Bon David. I haven't pre-ordered a chicken and neither has Vello. What shall we do?

I don't know, said Gaius. If it was me, I'd do without.

You invited us, said Le Bon David. Why don't you do without, and give us your chicken.

I'll share my chicken with you, said Gaius, but the picnic isn't till later.

I say, said a lady Field Geologist. I couldn't help overhearing. If you want to buy something to eat, take the cliff walk back to the caravan park at Kingston. It's that way, she added, pointing north. I'll come with you. By the way, my name's Margaret.

Unexpected Consternation

2011-10-28T23:13:00.001-07:00

Next morning Marie and Belle et Bonne were already in the office when The VeloDrone and Le Bon David arrived.

What are you two laughing at? asked Le Bon David.

Belle sent your Baroness Susan a winking smiley face emoticon, said Marie. And the Baroness has just sent you a 'tongue out' one.

This must be stopped! cried David. It's getting out of hand!

That'll be the end of it, said Belle et Bonne. Trust me Uncle David. It's the language of emoticons.

Alright, said Le Bon David, doubtfully. But it beats me how you know about such things.

It's not much different from the old language of fans, said Belle et Bonne.

I never understood that either, said Le Bon David.

How was the Our Mob opening event? asked Marie. Did you both enjoy yourselves?

We did, said The VeloDrone. We met Auntie Josie, and had an interesting conversation with her about art. You know, she reminds me a little bit of our friend Gaius.

How? asked Belle et Bonne. Because she's an elder?

Because she's quirky, said The VeloDrone. In a good way. I can just imagine Gaius claiming that he couldn't paint a cat.

And telling everyone they ought to go home early, said Le Bon David.

Speaking of Gaius, said Marie, he called this morning with some good news. He's managed to get you both invited to the Field Geologists' picnic after all. It's this weekend. I told him you'd be coming.

The faces of the invitees expressed unexpected consternation.

What's the matter? asked Marie. I thought you'd want to go.

Painting a Cat

2011-10-27T23:25:00.000-07:00

That evening The VeloDrone and Le Bon David went to the opening of the Our Mob exhibition.

They entered the Artspace, to be met with a grand explosion of colour largely composed of dots.

Dots, said Le Bon David. I used not to enjoy them as much as I do now.

Me too, agreed the VeloDrone. Do you think the artists have improved, or are we more discerning?

Both, perhaps, said Le Bon David. But look out there! They're serving wine and dips. And filled baguettes! And pies and sausage rolls! Let's go.

They went outside. A band played eighties music and people stood around talking, or sat at tables eating.

The speeches began. Auntie Josie gave a Welcome to Country. Then she said. It's so nice to be here and to see this lovely art. I wish I could paint, I couldn't paint a cat! Now all you people, remember to go home early, this is a bad place, especially that place over there. She waved in the direction of the casino.

A troupe of young boys danced the red kangaroo dance, the emu and the brolga dance, and the dingo dance, kicking up the red dust.

Afterwards The VeloDrone and Le Bon David found themselves standing next to Auntie Josie.

I enjoyed your speech, Auntie Josie, said The VeloDrone.

Thanks, said Auntie Josie.

You set the bar quite high, he went on. I note that none of the artists represented here has tried to paint a cat.

Auntie Josie laughed.

What would those fellers want to paint a cat for?

Coquin!

2011-10-26T23:17:00.000-07:00

Don't worry, Uncle David, said Belle et Bonne. These things happen all the time.

Not to ME! said Le Bon David. Oh this is dreadful!

What's up, David? asked The VeloDrone, coming into the office.

I've sent Susan a link to a porn site, said Le Bon David.

Good for you, said the VeloDrone. But that's not your usual style.

I didn't do it on purpose, said Le Bon David. In fact, I didn't do it at all.

You can't have it both ways, said the Velodrone.

I was hacked, said Le Bon David. And everyone's been sent the link.

I see, said The VeloDrone, grinning. Have you had any replies?

I don't know, said Le Bon David. Have I had any replies, Belle dear?

Yes, there's one from Jean Jaques Rousseau, said Belle et Bonne. Do you want me to read it?

Le Bon David nodded.

She began to read primly: Coquin! I always knew you had it in for me! Thanks to you I'm in the shit with Therese! JJR.

Haha! laughed The VeloDrone. Serves him right. Are there any more?

Professor Freud, said Belle et Bonne. He's written: Dear David! You surprise me! But better out than in!

Goodness! said Le Bon David. Whatever does he mean by that? Better out than in? Doesn't that usually refer to flatulence?

I don't know, said Belle et Bonne. But oh dear, one's just come in from your Baroness friend.

What does it say? groaned Le Bon David.

It's just a smiley face, said Belle et Bonne. That's all.

The VeloDrone roared with laughter.

A smiley face! said Le Bon David. What do you suppose it means? Did she get it or didn't she? Should I reply? I don't know what to say.

I'll reply for you, Uncle David, said Belle et Bonne. Don't you worry about a thing. Now look, here's a nice invitation for you and papa to attend an opening at the Artspace tonight. Our Mob, it's called. There'll be indigenous art, speeches, dancing and refreshments. I think you should go. It'll cheer you up.

Old Boys

2011-10-25T22:56:00.000-07:00

The fitting of electrodes to The VeloDrone's and Le Bon David's heads was not to be accomplished that night, however. The Baroness had agreed to dine with the headmaster of Saint Peter's and some Old Boys.

The headmaster came over.

Are you two Old Boys? he asked.

The VeloDrone gave him a withering look.

I thought not, said the head. Well Susan, it's time we were leaving.

Alright, said Susan. Goodbye David, and Vello. Here's my email address. We must keep in touch.

Thank you, said Le Bon David, taking her card. It was a pleasure to meet you, Susan.

Likewise, said Susan, over her shoulder, walking off with the head.

........

Next morning Le Bon David arrived at the office, to find Belle et Bonne looking troubled.

You'll never guess what's happened, Uncle David, she said. Someone's hacked into your email account, and sent horrid spam links to all of your contacts.

What does that mean, my dear? asked Le Bon David. I don't understand.

It means, said Belle et Bonne, that everyone you know has received a link to a porn site from you.

Oh well, said Le Bon David. They all know me......oh no!

What Uncle David? said Belle et Bonne.

Good heavens! said David. I've just added the Baroness to my list of contacts!

Catherine the Great

2011-10-24T22:35:00.000-07:00

After the lecture The VeloDrone and Le Bon David joined the crowd in the reception hall to drink tea and orange juice, and eat coconut cakes. The Baroness Professor made a beeline for them.

Hello! she said. I hope you've saved me some cake.

There's precious little of it, said The VeloDrone. Only two plates. This school is obviously not as wealthy as it looks. Would you like a bite of mine, Baroness?

I think I'll pass on that, said the Baroness. But do please call me Susan.

Alright Susan, said The VeloDrone. And you must call me Vello. David of course, you have already met, inside.

Yes indeed, said Susan. Hello David. I'm really looking forward to your question.

Baroness Susan was so pleasant that Le Bon David hardly had the heart to go through with his question, but he decided to press ahead anyway.

Well, Susan, he said. You have called your talk "How can neuroscience help us understand imagination?", but you gave your talk on human consciousness, claiming that consciousness and imagination are one and the same. I would contend that consciousness and imagination are two different things.

Go on, said Susan.

For example, said Le Bon David, those platform high heels you're wearing. I would claim that they represent the triumph of imagination over consciousness.

How rude! said Susan. You will have to explain what you mean by that remark.

You mean define my terms? said Le Bon David.

Yes....NO! said Susan. Well, you have got me there, David. Now you see why I always try to disable the philosophers at the beginning of my talk. Although I do find I usually get on well with them in the real world.

Madam, said Le Bon David. You are very gracious.

Madam, said The VeloDrone, you are. You remind me very much of my old friend Catherine the Great, a brilliant scientist and a woman of great beauty.

Oh get on with you, said Susan, blushing and flicking back her pony tail. You know, she added, you two are truly fascinating. I would really like to attach electrodes to both your heads.

Hee hee! said The VeloDrone. I'm sure that could be arranged.

Neuronal Assemblies

2011-10-23T22:26:00.000-07:00

Next evening The VeloDrone and Le Bon David arrived at the Memorial Hall in the well-kept grounds of Saint Peter's College. It was raining. They hurried inside and sat down. The hall filled rapidly with parents and members of the public.

The Baroness Professor mounted the stairs to the stage. She was wearing a short fitted dress, black stockings and black platform high heels. Her long blonde hair was side-swept into a pony tail. Everyone applauded the Baroness Professor.

Good evening, said the Baroness Professor. I'm going to speak to you tonight about human consciousness. But first I must ask, are there any philosophers in the audience?

Sensing a trap, The VeloDrone and Le Bon David kept their hands by their sides.

Hah! said The Baroness Professor. Philosophers never like to declare themselves! And that is just as well. For I have no truck with philosophers. They must always have a definition of something before they will discuss it. This is of course ridiculous in the case of human consciousness, which cannot be defined, although everyone knows what it is!

Le Bon David was cross with himself. But there was nothing he could do now. The Velodrone was miffed as well. Put in their place by a woman! But it was their own fault. They should have declared themselves when given the opportunity. This woman was cleverer than her choice of platform shoes would indicate.

The Baroness Professor spoke about neuronal assemblies, and human brains, and octopus brains, and learning to play the piano without touching the keys.

After an hour she ended her talk and agreed to take questions from the audience.

Le Bon David stood up.

David Hume, he said. I have a question.

David Hume? said the Baroness Professor. I thought this audience was free of philosophers.

No, said Le Bon David. It is not free of philosophers. At my side is The VeloDrone also known as Voltaire.

Goodness! said The Baroness Professor. Well, what is your question?

My question,said Le Bon David, is somewhat personal in nature.

I don't take personal questions, said the Baroness. But as I am intrigued by you and your friend, perhaps you would like to see me afterwards to continue our discussion over a cup of tea and a slice of coconut cake.

Thank you, Baroness Professor, said Le Bon David, sitting down.

Getting on With the Nobility

2011-10-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

Gaius was still on his favourite subject as the president tried to steer him through the door.

Now fluorspar, said Gaius, is one of the most beautiful and highly valued of rock crystals.

Yes, yes, said the president. Mind the step!

Pompey introduced fluorspar bowls and cups to Rome after his victory over Mithridates, Gaius continued. After that it grew in popularity. Why, an ex-consul paid 70,000 sesterces for a fluorspar cup which held only three pints! He was so enamoured of it he used to chew the rim. Yet this damage only increased its value.....

You don't say, said the president. Well, well. Fluorite or fluorspar as you call it is certainly a very colourful rock crystal.

I believe, said Gaius, that it may be one day be found in Antarctica in some quantity.

You do? said the president, astonished.

I do, said Gaius. So you see, I am not the only one whose knowledge is sometimes out of date...

Goodness me! said the president.

The VeloDrone and Le Bon David had reached the bottom of the steps as well. They sloped off into the dark in the opposite direction to Gaius and the president.

Hee hee! sniggered The VeloDrone. They won't get rid of him now.

No, agreed Le Bon David. But they didn't seem too keen on us.

Pooh! said The VeloDrone. Who cares! Their biscuits were less than ordinary. However, strangely, I find I have a taste for evening lectures. Perhaps we ought to look out for something more suited to our interests.

Funny you should say that Vello, said Le Bon David. I hear that Baroness Susan Greenfield is going to give a talk on human consciousness at Saint Peter's College tomorrow evening. Would you like to go to that?

Baroness, you say! said The VeloDrone. I always used to get on well with the nobility. Yes, indeed, let's attend her lecture.

That's That

2011-10-21T23:40:00.000-07:00

Victor introduced Gaius to some of the Field Geologists.

They were impressed to learn that he was the famous Gaius Plinius Secundus, better known as Pliny the Elder.

Perhaps you would do us the honour of addressing one of our future meetings, said the club president.

Better than that, said Gaius. I shall treat you all to an impromptu lecture right now. In honour of the heroic Sir Douglas Mawson, I shall first speak of rock crystals.

And Gaius launched straight into his talk on rock crystals.

Rock crystals, he said, are found only where winter snows freeze solid, and are undoubtedly a kind of ice.....

Hang on, said the president. Did you say ICE?

Please don't interrupt, said Gaius. There will be plenty of time for questions later.

The president looked at his watch. The VeloDrone and Le Bon David looked uncomfortable. Victor showed a degree of consternation.

Rock crystal must therefore be a product of moisture from the sky in the form of pure snow, continued Gaius. For this reason it cannot stand heat, and can only be used for cold drinks.....

Excuse me, Gaius, said the president, but it seems your geological knowledge is a little out of date.

Well, of course it is, said Gaius. Do you want me to continue or not?

It's just that it's getting rather late, said the president. Perhaps you would care to join us for our annual picnic next weekend at Marino Rocks? We can continue listening to some of your fascinating....err... insights from former times while we look at the geology and afterwards eat chickens and icecreams.

Oh, said Gaius. Yes, I suppose that would be rather pleasant. What about my friends The VeloDrone and Le Bon David? Are they invited?

Are they Field Geologists? asked the president doubtfully.

No we aren't, said The VeloDrone. So that's that.

Yes, said Le Bon David. Very sorry, but that's that.

Some Good Luck and Some Bad Luck

2011-10-20T23:35:00.000-07:00

They met Victor outside the Mawson Laboratories at five to six.

Welcome welcome! said Victor. Do come in!

Gaius was immediately drawn to the glass cases full of rocks.

Malachites! he said, pointing to some green ones.

Super, said The VeloDrone. Green ones. Let's go in and find a seat.

They went into the lecture theatre and sat down.

The lecture was about Douglas Mawson's second expedition to Antarctica, on the Aurora. It seemed that Mawson had had some good luck and some bad luck. On a secondary expedition with two of his colleagues, one had fallen into a crevasse with the sled and most of the supplies and dogs, while the other had died of food poisoning. To make matters worse, the soles of Mawson's feet had come off when he removed his socks, and he had had to to stick them back on with liniment, replace his socks and boots and trudge back to base camp by himself.

Afterwards, The VeloDrone, Le Bon David, Gaius and Victor were invited to stay for a cup of tea and plates of unadventurous bicuits with the Field Geologists.

The VeloDrone and Le Bon David were in high spirits.

Hilarious! said The VeloDrone.

In a black kind of way, said Le Bon David.

To lose one! said The VeloDrone.

Tragic! said Le Bon David.

But to lose both! said the VeloDrone.

CARELESSNESS! roared Le Bon David.

The Field Geologists pretended not to hear. They began chatting loudly.

Whatever are you talking about? asked Gaius. His feet?

No, said The VeloDrone. It's Oscar Wilde.

Well I don't get it, said Gaius, and wandered off to talk to Victor.

How did you enjoy the talk? asked Victor.

That fellow Mawson was a hero, said Gaius. I must see his rocks.

We don't have his socks, said Victor. But his boots are around here somewhere.

An Invitation to Geology

2011-10-19T22:25:00.000-07:00

Everyone was leaving, except for Victor.

Sweezus and Belle et Bonne took a last ride down to Middleton, hoping to return the Mambo shorts to their owner.

Ahh, said Camus as he watched them disappear down the road. That reminds me of the days .....

Of course it does, said the VeloDrone. And that reminds me, have you finished your article for Velosophy by any chance?

I have, said Camus, I shall email it to you as soon as I get home. You'll like the ending.

The ending! That's what I've been waiting for, said The VeloDrone.

Very funny, said Camus. Well, goodbye all.

The Camus family got into their car and drove off in the direction of Victor Harbor.

Goodbye Victor, said Gaius. It was a very interesting weekend. I hope we meet again.

So do I, said Victor. I wonder if you have an interest in Geology?

Rocks! said Gaius. I certainly do.

How about your friends? said Victor, looking at The VeloDrone and Le Bon David.

Err..humm, said the VeloDrone. Rocks. Yes, yes, of course. Everything has its own particular interest. Particularly rocks.

Oh rocks, said Le Bon David. Indeed. One can learn a great deal from rocks, or so I've heard.

No truer words were ever spoken, said Victor. Well then, let me invite you to the next meeting of the Field Geologists Club. I shall be travelling to town for it on Monday. Meet me at the Mawson Laboratories at six o'clock, and I'll introduce you to my friends.

Wonderful, said Gaius. We look forward to it.

Yes, said The VeloDrone. We look forward to brushing up on rocks.

As a matter of fact, said Victor, I don't think this month's talk is going to be on rocks, directly.

What a pity, said Le Bon David. Then perhaps we needn't come.

No, no, you must come, said Victor. I assure you that you won't be disappointed.

Resolution

2011-10-18T22:04:00.000-07:00

Gaius and Victor were inside the bakery at the front of the queue. Victor often found himself at the front of a queue. No one felt comfortable with the local policeman standing behind them.

Gaius was defending Sweezus.

You see, said Gaius, if it's all in the timing, then I shall attest that you thought he was innocent BEFORE he escaped from the back seat of the police car, and BEFORE you lost the evidence.

What? said Victor, not quite following.

What would you like, Victor? asked the girl behind the counter.

A vegetable pasty and a custard berliner, said Victor. Thanks.

You said it, said Gaius. I heard you.

And you? asked the girl.

Pardon? Oh, I'll have the same, said Gaius.

I've got his shorts, said Victor. And his bike.

Gaius gave up, and decided to try for Plan B.

Belle et Bonne came in.

Keep Victor talking, she whispered. Sweezus is here.

Tell him to escape on my bike, said Gaius.

Brilliant plan , said Belle et Bonne.

......

Sweezus was sitting outside at a table in the shade with the twins.

Tweet tweet, said Catherine. We're penguins. Let's eat a pie!

Tweet tweet! said Sweezus, half-heartedly.

Sweezus, said Belle et Bonne. Gaius says to escape on his bicycle.

No, said Sweezus. I'm staying. I've decided to be more like Frog.

Frog? said Jean. Rrriddip!

No, said Sweezus. Not that sort of frog.

Victor and Gaius came out with their warm paper bags.

Victor, said Sweezus. I'm not guilty of anything. This has all been a fiction. Do you not understand?

Of course I understand, said Victor. You can go. But those shorts must not leave Victor Harbor.

What Would Sweezus Do?

2011-10-17T19:46:00.000-07:00

Whenever Sweezus was faced with a moral dilemma, he asked himself what Farky would do.

What would Farky do, provided he wasn't having knee reconstructions? That was easy. Farky would run.

And then Sweezus would ask himself what Frog would do, assuming he hadn't been tragically squashed. That was easy too. Frog would stand his ground.

Sweezus had just decided to take the Farky option when Belle et Bonne saw him and waved.

Come over here, Sweezie! she cried.

He was obliged to join her in the bakery queue.

Hey! she said. Nice shorts!

I borrowed them, said Sweezus. Where are mine?

Oh, Victor's got them, said Belle et Bonne. He's looking after your bike as well.

Seized it, more like, said Sweezus glumly. I suppose I'm under arrest,

No I don't think so, said Belle et Bonne. Gaius will have sorted it out. Don't worry. We're all going to have something to eat. This bakery's meant to be amazing!

Hello young Sweezus, said The VeloDrone, turning around. Nice shorts! And how were the whales?

Whoa! said Sweezus. Talk about WISE!

That's hard to believe! said Le Bon David.

No, really, said Sweezus. They were baleen whales. They don't beach themselves, because they don't have any teeth.

Lucky them, said Le Bon David. Nice shorts! Where did you get them?

Borrowed them, said Sweezus. Where's Victor? And Gaius?

Oh, somewhere around, said Belle et Bonne vaguely.

The Camus family sauntered over.

Hello! said Camus. We've come to try the famous bakery. What a queue!

Uncle Sweezus! cried the twins. Let's play penguins!

Hello Sweezus. Nice shorts! said Francine.

Sweezus sighed.

Mambo Shorts

2011-10-16T23:44:00.000-07:00

Sweezus stood up in the shallows and looked for his shoes and shorts. He couldn't see them anywhere.

He looked up towards the carpark at the top of the steps. No one was there.

Even his bicycle seemed to have disappeared.

He climbed up the steps and looked to left and right. There was a surfer's van down one end of the carpark. He wandered over.

Hey! he said, to the half-wetsuited surfer who was fiddling with something round the back. Have you seen my bike?

Dude! said the surfer. Is your name Sweezus or something?

Yeah, said Sweezus. Well?

Those guys that were here. They said, if you came back, to meet them at the Port Elliot Bakery. They've got your clothes and your bike.

Oh brilliant, said Sweezus. That's just ...... gnarly.

Hey dude! I can see you're no grommet!, said the surfer. Wanna come out? It's gunna be epic out there.

I know, said Sweezus. I was just out there. I met these two whales.

Stellar! said the surfer.

Yeah, but I don't wanna go out again, I'm still wrinkly, said Sweezus. Where's this Bakery?

Inland, that-a-way, said the surfer. Man, you wanna borrow some shorts?

Oh! Hell yeah! said Sweezus, ever good at languages. Thanks, dude!

Sweezus borrowed a pair of Hawaiian-style Mambo shorts, and set off in the direction the surfer had pointed. It wasn't long before he reached the main road at Port Elliot and spotted a long queue of people snaking out of a building and onto the footpath. There was a delicious smell in the air. It smelled like a bakery. He thought he could see Belle et Bonne, and the others, near the end of the queue. He started walking towards them.

Then he remembered, he was potentially under arrest.

What should he do?