Things That Are Better Than Nothing

They arrive at the Waitpinga Beach car park.

Several surf vans are already there.

Told you, says Sweezus. It takes more than poisonous froth and sore throats to put surfers off.

Did you bring anything? asks Arthur.

Couple of body boards, says Sweezus. It was all I could fit in Katherine's boot.

Better than nothing, says Arthur. Let's go.

Can't leave Terence, says Sweezus. But you go.

He pops the boot open.

Arthur gets out.

Takes a body board and heads down the track to the beach.

Can I sit in the front now? asks Terence.

Sure, says Sweezus. Squeeze through.

Terence squeezes half way through to the front seat and stops.

What is it? asks Sweezus.

Just checking for pus-chools, says Terence.

He would've told us if it burst, says Sweezus. And he'd have had to stop and squeeze out the glass splinter.

Okay, says Terence, coming through.

Look at all those guys out there, says Sweezus.

Can't, says Terence. I'm too low.

I'll grab the towel, says Sweezius.

I was sitting on the suitcase, says Terence.

Geez, were you? says Sweezus. Kant's suitcase. Did you scratch it?

No, says Terence.

I hope not, says Sweezus. 

A new surf van pulls up beside them.

Two surfers get out.

Hey, says Sweezus. What's the story?

The surfers both start to cough.

That sounds nasty, says Sweezus. 

Be okay when we get out there, says one of the surfers. Hey, are you that guy...?

Sweezus, says Sweezus. 

And I'm that guy Terence, says Terence.

Cool, says the surfer. I'm Fritzy and he's Whitey.

G'day! says Whitey. See you guys out there.

Not me, says Terence. I'm the thermometer guy.

No kidding, says Whitey.

He and Fritzy grab their boards and head down the track, coughing.

Hope Arthur's not coughing, says Sweezus.

We should go down and see, says Terence.

Yeah, okay, says Sweezus. I wonder if Katherine keeps cough lollies in her glove box.

He opens the glove box.

A half full box of yellow Tic Tacs falls out.

Yellow.

But better than nothing.

Never Get Anything

Are we there yet? asks Terence.

About half way, says Sweezus.

Which half? asks Terence.

That's a really dumb question, says Sweezus.

I've got nothing to do, says Terence. 

You shouldn't have left Gloopy on the bus, says Arthur.

I know, says Terence.

Cheer up, says Sweezus. When we get to Waitpinga there'll be heaps to do.

Like what? asks Terence.

Remember the thermometer? says Arthur.

Where is it? asks Terence.

Gaius has got it, says Arthur.

I'm allowed to use it, says Terence. If I sink to the bottom.

I don't reckon Gaius would've said that, says Sweezus.

He said it was a good idea, says Terence.

Did he? says Sweezus.

But what can I do NOW? asks Terence.

Look at the scenery, says Sweezus.

I'm too low, says Terence.

Sit on my stuff, says Sweezus.

His stuff is under a towel next to Terence.

Beside it is a small suitcase.

The suitcase is flat, the towel stuff is lumpy.

So Terence sits on the suitcase.

Now he can see.

Boring trees and dead bushes.

I spy something brown, says Terence.

Everything, says Arthur.

Correct, says Terence. Your turn.

I spy something yellow, says Arthur

The sun, says Terence.

No, says Arthur.

The road sign, says Sweezus.

No, says Arthur.

We give up, says Terence.

The pustule on the back of my leg, says Arthur.

Good one, bro, says Sweezus. Except no one can see it.

Do you want to? asks Arthur.

No way, says Sweezus. And be careful. Don't pop it or Katherine will crack a fruity.

What's a pus-chool? asks Terence.

A pimple filled with sticky yellow pus, says Sweezus.

It'll probably pop by itself, says Arthur. There's glass in it.

Yikes! says Terence.

Don't worry little buddy, you won't get one, says Sweezus.

Because I never get anything, says Terence.

 

Forget The Rational Mind

Terence chooses the car.

He sits in the back seat and Arthur sits in the front, next to Sweezus.

They head off to Waitpinga.

Leaving Gaius in Victor Harbor with Kant.

Shall we set off at once? asks Gaius. 

Err, yes, let us set off at once, says Kant.

I heard you say you had never ridden a bicycle, says Gaius.

I did say that, says Kant.

But you think it should be easy, says Gaius.

I do, says Kant.

Well, says Gaius. Confidence is everything. You go in front and I'll follow.

Just for the first bit, says Kant. 

Yes just for the first bit, says Gaius. After that, we'll ride in tandem.

And get to know one other, says Kant.

Certainly, says Gaius. I have heard of you, of course.

And I you, says Kant.

He grasps the handlebars of Arthur's hired bike, and lifts one leg over the cross bar.

Foot on pedal, says Gaius. And push off!

Kant follows the instructions. Foot on pedal, push off.

With the other pedal, says Gaius, when nothing happens.

Oh, of course, says Kant. The rational mind sometimes....

Forget the rational mind, says Gaius. Launch yourself forward , and try to keep upright.

Kant launches himself forward. Hurrah! 

He moves forward, and keeps upright. 

Are you behind me? shouts Kant, not willing to turn round and look.

I am! says Gaius. Well done. You're a natural.

He catches up with Kant.

They are now heading out of Victor Harbor.

We should soon see the Waitpinga turnoff, says Gaius.

I hear it is scenic, says Kant.

Scenic? says Gaius. I suppose so, but that's not why we're going.

I thought it was, says Kant. So why are we going?

To examine the algal bloom that is killing the fish and causing rashes and sore throats in the surfers, says Gaius.

Kant is alarmed.

I see you are alarmed, says Gaius. Didn't Sweezus tell you?

No he didn't, says Kant.

The scallywag, says Gaius. He probably wanted an excuse to come down here and go surfing with Arthur.

In the algal bloom? asks Kant. That sounds risky. And he seems such a sensible young man.

We shall see, says Gaius. I wouldn't put it past the two of them to have planned it. 

I must remember to keep well away from the water, says Kant.

I shall be venturing into it, says Gaius. But only far enough to take temperature readings.

Aha, says Kant. So your theory is that the algal bloom is due to warming waters?

Yes, says Gaius. I see you have a scientific mind.

A philosophical mind, says Kant. 

Like my friends, Vello and David, says Gaius.

No, not like them, says Kant. We agree on sensation, but disagree on perception and what comes after.

It takes all kinds, says Gaius.

But we can't all be right, says Kant.

Indeed, says Gaius. I for example have had to admit that some of my medical remedies have proved ineffective. But I stand by the cabbage.

The cabbage? asks Kant.

As a poultice, says Gaius. In fact I would have suggested a cabbage poultice to Arthur, but I knew what he'd say.

I tend to stay away from doctors, says Kant. 

Gaius nods in agreement. 

How pleasant is this conversation!

Particularly without Terence to keep interrupting.

 

What Can I Hope?

Terence runs out of the police station.

He sees the back of someone who looks like Sweezus. 

Hey! cries Terence.

Sweezus turns and walks back.

Hey little buddy! says Sweezus. How come...?

We got arrested! says Terence.

No way! says Sweezus. Where are...?

Gaius and Arthur wheel their bikes out of the station.

Look! says Terence. Sweezus is here.

What are you doing in Victor Harbor? asks Gaius.

Stopped off to show Immanuel what it looks like, says Sweezus. He's gone for a walk.

Are you on bicycles? asks Gaius.

Borrowed Katherine's car, says Sweezus. But hey, Terence says you got arrested.

Not really, says Gaius. A case of lost property, that's all.

I lost Gloopy, says Terence. 

Where? asks Sweezus. 

On the bus, says Terence.

You might not get him back, says Sweezus. But at least he was dead.

At least? says Terence.

I just meant he won't be upset, says Sweezus.

It was his last adventure, says Terence. Getting left on a bus.

Yeah, says Sweezus. It happens. But hey what's the time? Shit! I'm supposed to be meeting Kant in two minutes.

Where? asks Gaius. 

Other end of the street, says Sweezus. Near the Causeway.

Want to borrow my bike? asks Arthur.

It's the first thing he has said.

Holy guacamole! says Sweezus. You don't look too good.

He has a fever, says Gaius. And one of his cuts is infected.

Man! says Sweezus. Yeah, I'll take the bike. Meet me down there.

He takes Arthur's bike and speeds off to meet Kant.

But Kant is not where he left him.

Where is he?  The man whose life runs like clockwork.

He is halfway across the Causeway, hurrying back.

Asking himself his favourite three questions. What can I know? What can I do? What can I hope?

Well he knows he can't hope to get back by four o'clock, that is certain. 

He is three minutes late.

Apologies, says Kant.

No worries, says Sweezus.  Did you get to the island?

No, says Kant. I did not. I see you have acquired a bicycle.

Yeah it's my friend's bike, says Sweezus. He's got a fever.

Dear me, says Kant. Is it this new influenza?

Nah, says Sweezus. One of the cuts in his leg got infected. 

Should he be riding a bike? asks Kant.

Yeah, nah, says Sweezus. I was thinking if you rode his bike to Waitpinga I could give him a lift in the car.

Ride there on my own? asks Kant.

No, with Gaius, says Sweezus. He's got a bike too. Here they come now.

Gaius and Arthur arrive, with Terence in the bicycle basket. 

Kant looks at Arthur. 

I have never ridden a bicycle before, says Kant, but it must be quite easy. Sweezus has asked me to give up my place in the car and ride your bike to Waitpinga.

What a kind offer, says Gaius. That will give Arthur some time to recover.

Arthur looks suitably grateful.

What about me? asks Terence.

You can go in the car or the basket, says Sweezus. I'd choose the basket, you'll see more.

I'd choose the car, says Gaius.

You Can't Kill Anything Else

Victor has given Arthur two paracetamol tablets, and a glass of water.

 Now... where was he? 

Yes, the dead skate.

So you claim it was dead before you left Tasmania, says Victor.

It was, says Gaius.

And it died by accident, says Victor.

Yes! says Terence. We already told you.

So that's cleared that up, says Gaius. May we go now?

Not so fast, says Victor. I have only your word for it.

I think you know me to be a trustworthy person, says Gaius

I haven't forgotten the case of the penguin pie, says Victor.

That was a joke, says Gaius. 

Never proven, says Victor. But all right. I'll close the case if you provide a statement from the chap who threw the skateboard into the pullalong causing the death of the skate.

Excellent, says Gaius. I'll get in touch with that person.

Will he have to go to jail? asks Terence.

Not if it was an accident, says Victor. But if the skate was dead before you left Tasmania, there may be further complications.

If so, you can find us at Waitpinga, says Gaius.

Good, says Victor. At least you can't kill anything else.

Meaning? says Gaius.

The fish are washing up dead, says Victor.

A grim jest on your part, says Gaius.

Couldn't resist it, says Victor.

Gaius, Arthur and Terence are now free to leave the police station.

Will they bump into Sweezus?

It's possible.

It is half an hour since Sweezus left Immamuel Kant to grab a coffee, while Kant went for his half past three walk.

Here comes Sweezus now.

He is passing the police station.

In such cases, a few seconds can make all the difference.

Transcendental Grass

Want me to come with you? asks Sweezus.

No, thank you, says Immanuel Kant. I'll go on my own. The reason being, I prefer to keep my mouth shut.

No worries, says Sweezus.

And breathe through my nose, adds Immanuel Kant.

Yeah, okay, says Sweezus.

For the simple reason I don't wish to catch cold, says Immanuel Kant.

It's thirty two degrees, says Sweezus. 

Yes it is rather warm, says Immanuel Kant. I shall walk in the direction of those linden trees.

I don't think they're linden trees, says Sweezus.  I reckon they're pines.

All the more reason to keep my mouth shut, says Kant. 

Yeah, pines make some people sneeze, says Sweezus. Okay I'll go and grab a coffee. Meet you back here in thirty minutes.

Excellent, says Kant, walking off.

He heads towards the pine trees that are not linden trees. 

One must not allow things like that to upset one.

Ah! Grass! Grass is the same everywhere. A transcendental concept.

He begins to feel better. 

He breathes in and out though his nose.

Sweezus heads for a coffee shop.

To get there he must pass the police station.

He passes it, without looking in.

Inside the police station, Gaius is explaining how Gloopy came to have died, and been stowed way in a pullalong, and on discovery, placed in a vinegar bottle...

Because he smelled, says Victor. Terence told me that.

So you have inteviewed Terence, says Gaius.

A mere friendly chat, says Victor. Go on.

So we arrived back in Adelaide with the skate in a bottle, says Gaius. I suppose I should have declared it, but we were needed as players.

Players? says Victor.

In Vello's Fringe show, says Gaius. AI Candide. It was during Scene Three that the accident happened.

Gloopy fell out of a tree and broke his bottle, says Terence.

After which Arthur was injured, says Gaius.

Oh yes, Arthur, says Victor. Would you like some paracetamol?

I might, says Arthur. 

I was thinking more along the lines of an amulet, says Gaius.

An amulet would be good, says Arthur. Would there be something in it?

Ideally some dust that a hawk has bathed in, says Gaius. Tied up in a linen bag, with red string. Failing that, the head of a viper.

Paracetamol it will have to be, then, says Victor.

He's not having that sort of nonsense.

Police Ears

Victor gets out of the police car.

Thought I'd find you here, says Victor.

Whereas I did not expect to find you here, says Gaius.

That's as may be, says Victor.

Demotion? asks Arthur.

Not at all, says Victor. My secondment has ended, not that it's any of your business.

I take it you've been looking for me, says Gaius.

 I have, says Victor. I suppose you can guess why.

No, says Gaius. Unless you are going to be unnecessarily officious regarding our intended visit to Waitpinga.

What's this? No, says Victor. But I advise against it.

What then? asks Gaius.

He's found GLOOPY! says Terence.

Victor's police ears prick up.

And who or what is Gloopy? asks Victor.

A herring, says Arthur.

Not an endangered maugean skate? says Victor. One has been found on a bus in Adelaide. And the security camera enabled the transport authorities to identify who it was left by.

Me! cries Terence.

You are a minor, says Victor. It's Gaius who's in trouble, unless he can explain how the dead skate came into his possession.

I can explain, says Gaius, but it's a long story.

Then I must ask you to accompany me to the police station, says Victor.

I should be happy to, says Gaius. But Arthur has a fever and needs my immediate attention.

Yes, says Arthur. 

Then he may accompany you, says Victor. We have a first aid box.

What about our bikes? says Gaius.

Bring them, says Victor. They'll be safe at the station.

So Gaius and Arthur wheel their bikes over the road to the police station. 

Terence gets a short ride in the police car.

What can you tell me about the dead maugean skate? asks Victor.

He could do tricks on a skateboard, says Terence. He wanted to come with us, so he hid under my skateboard and Surfing-with-Whales didn't know and threw him into the pullalong and he died but I knew he wanted to have an adventure so I put him in my pocket but he smelled.

And this happened where? asks Victor.

In my pocket, says Terence.

It is now Victor remembers that he should not interview a child on his own in a police car.

They arrive at the police station, at the same time as Gaius and Arthur.

And go inside.

A small white car which was passing slows down. 

Not because Sweezus, the driver, saw his friends enter the police station.

Nothing so coincidental.

But because it is half past three and his passenger, a man of habit, insists on stopping for his half past three walk.