Nothing Could Be More Irrelevant

You should keep that beanie on all the time, says Vello.

It makes you look younger, says David.

Like Ageless, says Terence.

Thanks, says Denis.

He returns the hat to his pocket.

Belle comes in with some macarons on a plate.

We'll take a short break now, says Vello. 

When is Hedley's scene? asks Hedley's mother.

Coming up next, says Vello. Straight after the earthquake.

Can Hedley and me do the earthquake? asks Terence.

How would you do it? asks Vello.

Roll some rocks, says Terence. And make the scenery fall over.

But how can Hedley do that and be a girl of easy virtue? asks Hedley's mother.

Easy, says Hedley. I'll wear pants.

I don't think girls of easy virtue wore pants in those days, says David.

Hedley's mother looks shocked.

He means trousers, says Vello. 

Or trousers, says David. 

Don't worry, Hedley, says Belle. I'll fix you up with a suitable costume. And anyway, no one will see you doing the earthquake.

Or me, says Terence.

Or you, says Belle.

Arthur has eaten most of the macarons while the earthquake and pants were being settled.

Any more macarons? asks Sweezus.

No, says Belle. 

Everyone looks at Arthur.

Just staying in character, says Arthur.

Your character doesn't eat all the macarons, says Vello. He looks for money in the wreckage, gets drunk, and then buys the favours of Hedley.

Can he turn out to be something of a poet? asks Arthur

No, he can't, snaps Vello.

It might be nicer if Hedley goes off with a poet, says Hedley's mother. 

The sailor is a rough sort, says Vello. 

Maybe I could turn out to be something of a poet? says Hedley.

Ha ha! laughs Terence. 

What's wrong with that? asks Hedley.

Nothing, says Arthur. I've got a poem you could use. 

What's it about? asks Hedley.

Cycling up a hill on a forty degree plus day, says Arthur.

Nothing could be more irrelevant, says Vello. I forbid it.

He forbids it.

So will Arthur give up?

No Questions

Arthur, Gaius and Denis are now on the desk. 

Sweezus is on the floor having drowned.

Action! says Vello.

My benefactor has drowned! cries Denis! 

He leans forward as if to throw himself off the desk.

Don't do it! cries Gaius. It's reasonable to suppose that the harbour was made on purpose for the the Anabaptist to drown in

Do I argue with Dr Pangloss? asks Denis. 

No! says Vello. Fate intervenes. The ship splits in two.

We should have put two desks together, says David.

We'll do it next time, says Vello. Now, you all fall in. The sailor swims to shore and you two cling to a plank and float offstage in the same direction.

Am I wearing the beanie? asks Denis.

We'll decide that later, says Vello. 

Do we mime the plank? asks Gaius.

Mime the plank, says Vello.

The door of the office bursts open and Hedley runs in.

Hedley! says Terence. Guess what?

What? asks Hedley. 

I'm the hingeman, says Terence. 

What's the hingeman? asks Hedley.

A big strong mean guy who doesn't ask questions, says Terence.

Does that mean you don't have any lines? asks Hedley.

No QUESTIONS! says Terence.

Hedley's mother enters the office.

Hello, Hedley's mother, says Vello.

Hello, Vello, says Hedley's mother. Hedley is so excited. What part is he trying out for?

There is only one part not taken, says Vello. A girl of easy virtue. I'll understand if you don't want him to do it.

Hedley, says Hedley's mother. Do you mind playing a girl?

No, says Hedley.

A girl of easy virtue? adds Hedley's mother.

Whatever, says Hedley.

Does he have to demonstrate his easy virtue? asks Hedley's mother.

Not at all, says Vello. He just goes off with the drunken sailor. 

That's me, says Arthur. 

Oh hello, Arthur. says Hedley's mother. So you're the sailor. Is that a big part?

I'm thinking of making it bigger, says Arthur.

Oh are you? says Vello.

Hello Sweezus, says Hedley's mother, seeing him on the floor. Are you playing Candide again this year?

Nup. James the Anabaptist, says Sweezus. 

I'm playing Candide, says Denis. 

Hedley's mother looks doubtful. 

Isn't Denis too old?

Denis whips the finger-knitted beanie from his back pocket and puts it on.

It does make him look younger.

But Not Doing It

Next mornng, in the Velosophy office.

Vello is clearing his desk.

David is moving the chairs.

Sweezus and Arthur arrive.

Excellent, says Vello. Your scene is first. Have you prepared it?

Men were not born wolves, but they have become wolves, says Sweezus.

Very good, says Vello, but we're starting with the storm and shipwreck.

Yeah I know, but I need to establish my character,  says Sweezus. 

He probably does, agrees David. 

Then we'll begin with a prequel, says Vello. A short one.

Cool, says Sweezus. 

But right now it's the shipwreck, says Vello. It could be quite tricky.

Do we stand on the desk? asks Arthur.

Yes, says Vello. Both of you. And Denis and Gaius when they get here.

Sweezus and Arthur climb onto the desk.

Belle arrives with Terence.

Can I get on the desk? asks Terence.

Yes, you can stand in for Denis, says Vello.

He lifts Terence onto the desk.

Hello I'm Denis, says Terence in a man's voice, like Denis.

You don't say you're Denis, says Vello. You're playing the part of Candide, remember.

 Okay, says Terence, in the same voice. 

Who falls in first? asks Sweezus.

The sailor, says David. After whacking James the Anabaptist and laying him low on the poop deck, he loses his balance.

Ready? says Arthur.

He whacks Sweezus, and falls backwards, off the desk.

Thud.

Shit! You okay? asks Sweezus.

You're supposed to be dangling over the side, says Vello. 

Arthur sits up to a dangling position.

Now pull him aboard, says Vello.

Sweezus pulls Arthur up onto the desk.

Now you fall in, says Vello.

What do I do? asks Terence.

You watch as he disappears under the waves, says Vello.

Do I have an expression? asks Terence.

Look as though you want to throw yourself in after him, says Belle. But don't do it.

Terence tries to figure out a wanting-to-do-something-but-not-doing-it expression.

Acting is hard.

Denis arrives with Gaius.

At last, says Vello. Terence is standing in for you.

Sorry, says Denis. I've been completing the beanie.

Right, says Vello. Terence off! Denis and Gaius on the desk!

What's been happening? asks Denis.

You're looking like you want to do something but not doing it, says Terence. Like this see?

He screws up his features.

You mean like a fart? asks Denis.

Terence is offended.

Big Strong Mean Guy

Is there a part left for me? asks Gaius.

He'd make a good Dr. Pangloss, says David.

What do you say? asks Vello. 

I'd be honoured, says Gaius. I usually play the old woman.

What about me? asks Terence.

I'm sure we can find a small part for you, says Vello.

I want a BIG part, says Terence. Like Gaius.

All the big parts are taken, says Vello.

What about the red sheep? asks Terence.

Not in it, says Vello.

The otter? asks Terence.

There has never been an otter, says Vello.

Okay, what? asks Terence.

Terence could play my henchman, says Belle.

How would that look? asks Vello. You as the Officer of the Inquistion, and this young cherub as your henchman.

It might work, says Belle.

What's a hingeman? asks Terence.

Henchman, says Vello. 

Its a big strong mean guy, who does what he's asked to do without asking questions, says Sweezus.

Terence can't believe it.

A big strong mean guy. 

Yay! says Terence.

We'll smash it, says Belle.

I defer to your judgement, says Vello. Well, that's sorted. Any more questions?

Yeah, says Sweezus. What's an Anabaptist?

You of all persons should know, says Vello. 

Sounds like some weirdo kind of religion, says Sweezus.

Look it up, says Vello. Any more questions?

When's our first rehearsal? asks Belle.

Tomorrow morning, in the office, says Vello. We'll do a first reading.

Can Hedley come? asks Terence.

I suppose so, says Vello.

I'll get in touch with Hedley's mother, says Belle.

Why has no one thought that the only part left is 'Girl of easy virtue'?

And Hedley's mother is not going to like that.

Dead In Chapter Five

You're all wet, dear, says Vello.

It's quite nice, says Belle.

You'll be shivering soon, in this aircon, says Henriette. 

I'll be fine, says Belle.

I'm wet too, says Terence.

No one takes any notice of Terence.

He goes up to Sweezus.

I'm wet TOO, says Terence.

Yeah little buddy, says Sweezus. You'll soon dry.

Not my SHORTS! says Terence. THEY won't!

Run up and down the steps outside, says Vello, and stop interrupting.

What was he interrupting ? asks Belle.

We've decided on the coming production, says Vello.

And Denis is playing Candide, says Henriette.

MAY be, says Denis.

What abour Sweezie? asks Belle. 

There are plenty of other parts, says Vello. Henriette has picked chapter five.

All the women are DEAD in chapter five, says Belle.

Sorry, says Henriette. I didn't know that.

Not actually dead, says Vello. Believed dead. 

So there's no part for me, says Belle. 

Vello grabs his old copy, and flicks through chapter five.

Candide, Pangloss, James the Anabaptist, Sailor, Girl of easy virtue....

That's a really small part, says Belle.

Citizens eating dinner in the ruins, continues Vello. Half of them could be women.

Keep going, says Belle.

Officer of the Inquisition, and his henchman, says Vello. That's it. Choose your part, dear. Any part but Candide.

Belle is feeling somewhat icy at this stage. 

Officer of the Inquisition, says Belle.

Arthur looks up from his beer.

He had imagined himself in that part. That, or the sailor.

What? asks Belle. Did you want that part Arthur?

No, says Arthur. I'll play the sailor.

You did want it though, says Belle.

Sailor suits me, says Arthur. 

It's a good part. You can ad lib a little. Insert one of your poems.

Everyone looks at Sweezus. All the good parts are going.

What? asks Sweezus.

You'd be good as James the Anabaptist, says Vello. 

No worries, says Sweezus.

Playing against type, adds Vello 

Sweezus wonders what he means.

Wasn't James the Anabaptist described by Candide as the best of men?

Storm Earthquake and Shipwreck

The next day is even hotter.

Team Condor and Team Philosophe are keeping cool in the bar of a Glenelg hotel.

What were you boys thinking? asks Vello.

That we needed to do it, says Sweezus.

Which we did, says Arthur.

In a way you have to admire them, says David.

Admire their complete lack of discipline, says Vello.

It took discipline to climb up that hill, says Sweezus.

Gut-wrenching, soul-destroying discipline, says Arthur.

You would have enjoyed that, says Belle.

How's the poem going? asks Henriette.

Writer's block, says Sweezus.

Not me, says Arthur. My words have been flowing.

Another beer anyone? asks Gaius.

Yes, please, says Terence.

Not you, Terence, says Belle. 

It's not fair, says Terence. Can I go outside and get wet in the water spouts?

Okay, says Belle. Who'll go with him?

No one wants to. It's too hot out there.

I'll go then, says Belle.

She and Terence go across Moseley Square to the water spouts.

Gaius returns, carrying several full glasses.

Well now, says Vello. The Fringe is coming up soon. I hope everyone is available.

Not if it's Candide again, says Sweezus.

 But no one plays Candide like you, says Vello. 

So it IS Candide again, says Sweezus. 

Perhaps Denis could do it, says Gaius.

Isn't Candide a young man? asks Denis. 

Go on, says Henriette. You could play a young man, Denis.

Especially if he wears a beanie, says David.

Ha ha! laughs Vello. Candide in a beanie. I like it!

We even have a suitable beanie, says Henriette. Or the makings of one.

So we do, says Gaius. Denis finger-knitted it himself.

It was intended for Ageless, explains Denis.

Ageless won't need it yet, says Henriette. His carapace hasn't hardened.

What excerpt of Candide are we doing? asks David. Have we decided?

No, says Vello. But I have a copy in my shorts pocket. Let's pick one now.

Is that how you do it? asks Henriette. Just pick one.?

Yes, says Vello. Would you do us the honour?

Pick one at random? asks Henriette.

Why not? says Vello.

He hands Henriette his old weathered copy. 

She opens it at Chapter 5. "Describing tempest, shipwreck and earthquake, and what happened to Candide, Dr Pangloss and James the Anabaptist".

Excellent choice! says Vello. 

Storm, earthquake and shipwreck, says David. Ambitious!

Terence and Belle return, dripping wet.

It seems like a good omen.        

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Stage 5: Stirling to Stirling - Aiee!

The final stage. 

Eight laps of a circuit from Stirling to Stirling.

Belle and Henriette are waiting in Stirling with Terence.

So are Sweezus and Arthur.

But why are Sweezus and Arthur not racing?

It's not FAIR, says Terence.

Yeah, it kind of is, says Sweezus.

It's very fair, says Belle. They rode up Willunga Hill yesterday and were disqualified.

But it was HARDER, says Terence.

Sure was, says Sweezus.

The peloton zooms by.

One or two riders give a thumbs up to Sweezus and Arthur.

Kudos, says Sweezus. At least we got that.

And a day off, says Belle.

And poetic inspiration, says Arthur.

Yeah, says Sweezus.

Team Philosophe cycles past.

Slackers! shouts Vello.

Don't tell me you've written a poem, says Belle.

Working on it, says Sweezus. Arthur is too.

How wonderful, says Henriette. 

Sweezus looked pleased. Arthur less so.

But let's not just stand here. 

What's happening up ahead?

Is Jay Vine still winning?

Because he has until now been winning.

OMG! A kangaroo, lurking in the bushes, has jumped out at the riders and caused an upset.

Jay Vine is down. 

But he gets up again, and swaps bikes with his only remaining team mate.

And catches up with the riders the kangaroo had already let by.

The kangaroo has jumped back into the bushes.

Aiee! 

Or whatever kangaroos say in such circumstances.

A second kangaroo hops up to it.

Calm down, bro. 

Aiee! What happened there, bro?

It wasn't your fault. And guess what? You'll be on TV!

Aiee! 

But enough of this story.

Does Jay Vine win or doesn't he?

He does.