Better Hope They Don't Come

Next morning.

You'll have to take him, says Belle.

Okay, says Sweezus. He can help me hand out fliers.

So Terence goes with Sweezus to Rundle Mall to hand out fliers.

Celia and Saint Roley have flown to the venue, to hang out with Nobby.

There he is, says Celia.

They land on the fence, in the north eastern corner of the Botanic Gardens.

There is a loud roar of V8 car engines drifting in from the city.

Hello, says Nobby. Glad to see you. I'm feeling nervous. And I'm worried about my double role.

It's a small space, says Saint Roley. I wonder how many people are coming?

We don't know. And where will they sit? asks Celia.

Up against the fence, says Nobby. But that's where the spades are.

There must be a hundred, says Celia, eyeing the spades.

So Vello's expecting a hundred people, says Saint Roley. Now I'm feeling nervous.

He and Celia sit on the fence feeling nervous.

Nobby sits in his pot, by the hole he came out of, which is the sink hole, in which most of the action takes place.

The V8 engines roar even louder.

Vello and David are not far away, at the Superloop Adelaide 500, formerly the Clipsal.

I hate the Clipsal, says Vello. Why are we here?

Free tickets, says David. We should have given them to Sweezus and Arthur.

Then WE'D be handing out fliers, says Vello.

Actually, I've brought some, says David.

He pulls a few out of his pocket, and flaps them at Vello.

Go on then, says Vello. You start handing them out. I'll gauge the reaction.

David approaches a couple, in red and black racing fan outfits.

Candide's Garden, says David. Show's on tonight in the Botanic Gardens. You'll see Costa.

Costa! says the woman. I love Costa. What time?

David looks at the flier.

Eight pm.

We'll be there, says the woman, taking a flier.

Her partner looks confused. Like he's never heard of Costa.

They go off to the beer tent, to discuss it further.

That was easy, says Vello.

Yes, says David. Easy. How many seats have been sold?

About twenty, says Vello.

Well I've done my bit, says David. What say we give up on this noisy car race and hop on a bus to the beach? It's forty degrees already.

Good idea, says Vello. We need to cool down and relax.

They head for the bus stop.

It's outside Target. Near where Sweezus and Terence are handing out fliers.

Hi, says Sweezus. I've almost run out of fliers.

Excellent, says Vello.

Their bus comes. David and Vello get on.

I didn't tell him why, says Sweezus to Terence.

We wrecked them, says Terence.

YOU wrecked them, says Sweezus.

They were SPADES, says Terence. Because I'm giving out spades.

They didn't even look like spades, says Sweezus. They looked like bent paper spoons.

But I SAID they were spades, says Terence. I even told the people they'd get one.

Which was incorrect, says Sweezus. The spades have to go back to Bunnings. You'd better hope those people don't come.

I hope they DO, says Terence.

What's the point otherwise?

Sweet Karma

It's broken, says Terence.

No, it's not loaded, says Belle. It will only work as a stink button on the night.

How do I KNOW? asks Terence. I need to practise.

No you don't, says Belle. What you need to practise is the orange dance.

Shouldn't I be part of the orange dance? asks Nobby.

Yes! says Celia. You should distribute the oranges.

We're not giving out oranges! says Vello.

They could dance around ME, says Nobby.

Then where will I be? asks Terence.

Giving out spades, suggests Arthur.

Belle looks daggers at Arthur.

Terence with spades!

Terence is delighted.

Yippee!

Okay, says Belle. Time to call it a day. I'll go and find that guitar.

She goes out to find one.

Good rehearsal, says Gaius. When's our opening night?

Yes, when is it? asks Vello.

Don't we know? asks David.

Of course we know, says Sweezus. It's tomorrow. I thought everyone knew.

Can someone wash my eyebrows? asks Terence.

Can someone un-Blutack my oranges? asks Nobby. And put me back in my pot.

I'll do it, says Elodie. May as well make myself useful.

Excellent, says Gaius. You're a person who likes to muck in.

Yep, says Elodie. You'll love me when we go hunting spiders.

That's a bit strong, says Gaius. But I'm sure I'll appreciate you. So will Shu. So will Arthur.

What will I appreciate? asks Arthur.

Me, says Elodie. Or not. Maybe you're not even coming?

Arthur senses a trap.

I'll fill you in later, says Gaius.

Belle returns with a guitar.

Elodie strums it.

pling pling de dah
sweet music of orpheus
eyebrows stiffen
oranges spin on their axes
good karma.

Luck And Ingenuity

The orange dance begins.

Terence stands in the middle holding two strings. His eyebrows are orange and sticky.

At the end of one string is Celia, in a straw hat with flowers.

She holds the string in her beak, and transfers it to her left wing when she is singing.

At the end of the second string is Saint Roley, in his short cloak. The string is tied to his knobbly right knee.

Terence yanks Celia's string.

She starts singing:

La dee orange dee
La dee orange dee
With luck and ingenuitee
We have grown this tree

Terence yanks the string of Saint Roley.

He starts singing:

Trill a pip pee tee
Trill a pip pee tee
All can now eat free
From the orange tree

Did you write that? asks Arthur.

Nah, says Sweezus. I let them do it.

Thought so, says Arthur.

Perhaps some loud accompaniment, says Vello. A guitar might be nice.

Good thinking, says Sweezus.

Belle makes a mental note. A guitar would be nice.

Terence is impatient. He yanks the strings again. Now the dancing begins.

Celia hops forward, bobs and dances behind Terence.

Saint Roley hops sideways and ducks under her string.

Now he too is behind Terence.

Celia dances out from behind Terence on the other side, twirling.

Saint Roley remains behind Terence.

Hey! says Terence. We're tied together!

You're meant to twirl with me, says Celia.

I thought you'd been practising, says Sweezus.

Without string, says Celia.

Ditch the string, says Arthur.

Sikong Shu looks hurt.

It was his string.

Sweezus is reluctant.

Yeah, but string's one of our major themes. Can't just ditch it.

What if I get that guitar? says Belle. Can anyone play it?

Me, says Elodie. I can play it. Not well, though.

Never mind, says Vello. Find a guitar and untangle these dancers.

Yes! says Terence. I don't like Saint Roley so close behind me.

Saint Roley doesn't like being so close behind Terence. He tries to unhitch. Swings his body this way and that way.

Stop, cries Terence. You'll activate my stink button.

O no! The stink button.

Saint Roley has pressed it.

Everyone holds their breath except Belle, who knows it's disabled.

Bee Noises

It's me, says Arthur, talking a cold roll.

Heaven is high and earth wide, says Sikong Shu.

What's the filling? asks Arthur.

Chicken and bean sprouts, says Sikong Shu. Bitter between them flies my sorrow.

Arthur bites into the cold roll.

Endless longing breaks my heart, adds Sikong Shu.

Did you want this one? asks Arthur.

Of course not, says Sikong Shu. It's for you.

Okay, scene three, says Sweezus. Everyone eaten?

Yippee! says Terence. Scene three! I'm the grandchild! Someone fix my eyebrows.

What's wrong with them? asks Belle.

They're grandpa eyebrows says Terence. Now I need boy ones.

This might be a problem, says David. He's had them bleached.

This'll make them orange, says Terence. He picks up an orange.

Wait, says Belle. That's for Nobby.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Nobby, it's fifteen years in the future.

So why do I need an orange? asks Nobby.

You'll be playing the orange tree, says Belle. Sweezus and I were discussing it just now.

Nobby is excited. An orange tree! With an orange.

All the oranges from scene two will be Blu-tacked to you, says Belle. You've got plenty of Blu-tack on your paper leaves already.

It's true!

What about my eyebrows? asks Terence.

Sweet chili sauce should do it, says Vello.  Here's David's. He didn't use it.

I like my cold rolls plain, says David. Why spoil a perfectly good prawn and cabbage cold roll?

Cool. Chili sauce and Blu-tacked oranges, says Sweezus. Let's do it.

Belle smears chili sauce on Terence's eyebrows while Elodie Blu-tacks the oranges to Nobby.

Right. Places! says Sweezus. Costa, it's you.

Arthur walks to his position. He gestures towards the oranges Blu-tacked to Nobby.

Fifteen years ago, says Costa, an orange tree wouldn't have survived in this position. Now it's too warm for hydrangeas.

Is that so? asks Sweezus.

Sure is, says Costa. Ask the native bees.

An orange drops to the ground as Nobby twists to looks for native bees to ask about hydrangeas.

They're not secure enough, says Nobby.

Use toothpicks, says Gaius.

Toothpicks! snorts Vello. No one uses tooth picks!

I do, says Gaius. In fact I have just been using one to remove some coriander which was lodged in my teeth.

Nobby is alarmed. A used toothpick! He doesn't want to look precious by refusing, but perhaps if he changes the subject....

Will there be real bees? asks Nobby.

Will there? asks Vello.

I though we could just do bee noises, says Belle. Saves trouble.

Boo! says Terence.

Bzzz, says Celia.

I wasn't beeing , says Terence. I was booing.

But that was a good bee imitation, says Gaius. Well done, Celia.

Thank you, says Celia. Is it time for our orange dance? Saint Roley and I have been practising.

I guess so, says Sweezus. Terence you're in the middle. Where's your string?

I lost it, says Terence.

Here's some, says Sikong Shu. I always carry it.

Terence moves into position, and the orange dance commences.

All About Courage And Looseness

That was when YOU were playing Paquette, says Celia. I'm playing her now. So I say: There go our pistachios.

Oops, sorry, says Saint Roley. I've learned the wrong lines.

You say: And the oranges, says Paquette.

And the oranges, says Saint Roley.

That's a wrap, says Sweezus. End of scene one. Good work everybody.

Vello turns to Gaius.

How did it look from the front?

Very convincing, says Gaius. But we'll need to rig something up to lift Nobby. I won't be doing it.

I can do it, says Elodie. I'm not in the play. I could wear black clothing.

It takes two people to lift him safely, says Gaius.

I'll assist you, says Nobby. I'll step out of the pot.

Nobby, says Belle, I know you want to be helpful, but you can't step out of your pot.

Nobby braces himself for an attempt to do it. He believes that he can. The theatre is all about courage. And looseness.

He wriggles his roots. Loose as floating seaweed.... woo-wee.

He topples gracefully out of the pot, landing half way between the floor and the table, with one root caught in the third loop of string.

Needs practice, says Sweezus.

Get rid of the string, says Vello.

Bad idea, says David. The pot also has to be lifted.

We'll work on it, says Sweezus. Let's get on with scene two.

That's my scene, says Gaius. How's my left buttock? Is it on straight?

Yep, says Sweezus. Go for it.

Gaius runs on, with a spade and a large ball of string.

Shouldn't I be back in situ? asks Nobby.

Yeah... no, says Sweezus. You're adding ambience to the sink hole. And all the action's on this level.

Excuse me! says Celia. It isn't.

Huh? says Sweezus.

Oranges, says Celia. We throw them down.

Sweezus groans.

Another freaking problem.

We could do it from the table, says Saint Roley.

But we won't have the table, says David.

Sticks, says Gaius.

What? says Vello.

I need sticks to tie the string to, says Gaius. Where are the sticks?

Damn, says Belle. No sticks. But here are the oranges.

How do we throw them down? asks Celia.

I'll stand behind you in black clothing and do it, says Elodie. It'll look like you're doing it.

Celia is disappointed that this needs to happen.

How can I trip on the string if it's not attached to anything? asks Gaius.

Mime it, says Sweezus. We'll have sticks on the night.

Good thinking, says Gaius. Here I go then!  O clumsy me! Arrrgh!

He executes a competent forward roll.

Could you make it look more like tripping? asks Sweezus.

Perhaps I've done it too many times, says Gaius.

Sweezus looks at Vello. He hopes Vello is noting these things. What a head fuck his play is. But Vello is enjoying the chaos.

Knock, knock! Sikong Shu enters with cold rolls for everyone.

Yum.

He hands them around, offering the last one to Arthur, whom he wisely pretends not to recognise as Arthur or Costa.

The Worst Doesn't Happen

Right, says Vello. Full dress rehearsal. Where are our costumes?

Belle opens a box to reveal dirty tee shirts and faded bucket hats.

Pick your costume, says Belle.

Soon Vello and David look like old gardeners.

She hands them real trowels.

This is realistic, says Vello. Where's your costume?

Belle rummages in the bottom of the box and pulls out a pale green tulle skirt, with a silver bodice.

Lovely, darling! says Vello.

Sweezus and Arthur are already in their costumes. So is Terence.

Celia and Saint Roley are decked out with flowers. Saint Roley wears a hood that pokes out at the back and balances his beak at the front. This gives him gravitas.

Nobby coughs, and drops several bay leaves (if that's what they are).

I was promised fake foliage, says Nobby.

So you were, says Belle. Would you be happy with some paper leaves that I stripped from the flowers?

I'm easy, says Nobby.

Belle attaches a few leaves with Blu-tack.

Where do I stand? asks Nobby.

That depends, says Vello. Let's start scene one, and see what happens.

Okay, says Sweezus. He strides on. The LED lights in his sneakers flash. His gold flowered shirt sparkles. He carries a trowel.

Garden, says Sweezus. As in, like, a verb.

Vello and David shuffle on and begin to garden.

Where am I? asks Terence.

Behind the curtain, says Belle. You're not on yet.

Terence ducks behind Nobby.

Belle comes on, with a whipper-snipper.

Now! says Sweezus.

You don't say NOW! surely? asks Vello.

No, but this is when the sink hole appears, says Sweezus. So we all drop, like five feet at least. So how do we do it?

This is a job for NOBBY! cries Nobby. Put me up on the table.

Great idea, says Belle. Then we'll seem to be lower.

But who'll do it?

I'll do it, says Elodie. Gaius will help me.

Gaius and Elodie lift Nobby on to the table.

Everyone is effectively lowered

Sweezus, Belle, Vello and David act super startled.

Woah man, like what just happened? says Candide.

Oh, Candide, my sweet! cries Cunégonde. Are you all right?

Yeah, honey, says Candide. But the garden is cactus.

The worst always happens, says Martin.

Terence presses his stink button.

It doesn't work.

The worst doesn't always happen.

It's ME! cries Terence. He runs on in his orange stink bug costume.

Too early, hisses Martin.

No! says Doctor Pangloss. What happens is all for the best. That pesky orange stink bug is trapped down here, and can no longer ruin our oranges.

Terence begins to run rife. It's something he's good at.

 Celia and Saint Roley look down from the topmost branches of Nobby.

There go our pistachios! says Celia.

I'm supposed to say that, says Saint Roley.

Sacred To Apollo

Arthur pulls Nobby on the trolley to the Velosophy office.

Thanks Costa, says Nobby.

I'm not Costa, says Arthur.

What about that advice you gave the head gardener? asks Nobby.

Made it up, says Arthur.

He's just Arthur, says Terence. That's not his real hair. This isn't my real hair either.

I know that, says Nobby. It's a costume.

Nobby wonders if he will get hair.

Before you slope off, Arthur, says Vello, we need to get Nobby upstairs.

I wasn't going to slope off, says Arthur. Unless Sikong Shu's still up there.

He sprints up the stairs and opens the door a slim crack.

He hears the following:

Elodie: Baby jumping spiders suckle spider milk from their mothers. It has nearly four times the protein of cow's milk.

Gaius: I didn't know that!

Elodie: It was in Spider News.

Gaius: I must subscribe to it. Ouch!

Elodie: Are you feeling any better?

Gaius: I'll be all right. It was too thin a cushion.

Arthur goes in.

Arthur, says Sweezus. Play's finished! It ends with an orange dance.

Who does it? asks Arthur. Not me?

No, not you, says Sweezus. The birds do it while Terence holds the strings.

Sounds good, says Arthur. Has Shu gone?

Yes and no, says Sweezus.

But he's not here right now, says Arthur.

Not right now, says Sweezus. He's gone for a cold roll.

Because, says Arthur we've come back for the dress rehearsal and brought a curtain.

Yeah, the bush, says Sweezus. Where is it?

Downstairs, says Arthur. It's heavy. We need a hand.

Wanna go, Gaius? asks Sweezus.

What's this? says Gaius. The curtain? I'd like to help but my back tells me not to risk it.

I'll go, says Elodie.

She goes down the stairs with Arthur.

Vello, David, Belle and Terence are waiting.

This is Nobby, says Terence. He's can't get upstairs.

I've got some of Shu's string, says Elodie.

She ties it round the rim of the pot that holds Nobby.

That's clever, says Belle. Four loops, that means four of us can lift it.

Exactly, says Elodie. That's the efficacy of string.

They lug Nobby up the stairs and into the office.

This is the moment that Gaius sees Nobby.

A Laurus nobilis! says Gaius.

I'm NOBBY! says Nobby. I'll be playing the curtain.

You are sacred to Apollo, says Gaius. You should not be used for profane purposes.

These are modern times, says Nobby.

True, says Gaius. I was being old fashioned. Welcome!

Phew! An unexpected obstacle, avoided.

Famous Curtains

I am Nobby, says the bush.

We can't call you Nobby, says Vello. How would it look?

Yes, says David. A curtain called Nobby.

It's a stage name, says Nobby. You can put it on the flier.

What? Curtain: Nobby? says Vello.

What's your role? asks Nobby.

I play Martin, says Vello. And David plays Doctor Pangloss. Belle plays the lovely Cunégonde, and Terence plays a stink bug.

And I play a curtain, says Nobby. There have been many theatrical curtains. Most have had names.

Name one, says Vello.

Nobby thinks back to his earliest education.

A name comes to him.

The Arras! says Nobby.

Can't argue with that, says David. The famous Arras. Behind which Hamlet hides.

Yes, snaps Vello. All right. Name another.

Birnam Wood, says Nobby. It travels to Dunsinane.

That's a wood, not a curtain! says Vello.

It has often been played by a curtain, says Nobby.

It's clear that Nobby has an answer for everything, since he became Nobby.

Let's just go with this, papa, says Belle. We're lucky to have such a theatre-buff for a curtain.

True, says Vello. Well, look at the time! We're due for a dress rehearsal back at the office.

Coming Nobby? asks Belle. We could wheel you there on the trolley.

Nobby knows he should not make personal use of a Botanic Gardens trolley. But this is the theatre.

Okay, says Nobby.

I'll pull you, says Terence.

You won't, says Belle.  Arthur will do it.

She calls Arthur, who is still at the Hackney, being quizzed about soil types by random drinkers.

(He knows nothing about soil types).

What grows well in clay? asks a woman.

Oranges and hydrangeas, says Arthur.

She looks surprised.

Just then Arthur gets a phone call and has to leave urgently.

Zippy Nobby

English? says Belle. What did it say?

Curtain, says Terence.

Fascinating, says Vello. If true.

He leans into the bush, as though listening.

The bush remains silent, but emits a faint scent that reminds him of something.

Get down here and sniff, David, says Vello. Remind you of anything?

Stew, says David. Or rather, a bouquet garni.

That's not what it reminds me of, says Vello. But then perhaps you have never been offered a crown of laurels.

I have indeed, says David. Many a time. In Paris particularly, where they all loved me.

Are you a laurel? asks Vello, addressing the bush directly.

The bush says nothing. But it wonders.

Terence wants the bush to say something the grown ups can hear clearly.

ARE YOU? asks Terence.

The bush hesitates: What was the question?

Are you a lorry? says Terence. It was a STUPID question.

Why? whispers the bush.

You mean What? says Terence. A lorry is a truck. And you're not one. Can you say NO, loudly?

No, whispers the bush.

Terence gives up, temporarily.

It's not a lorry, says Terence. It told me but it won't tell you because it's a stupid question.

It wasn't a stupid question, says Vello.

Perhaps it didn't hear the question, says Belle.

It didn't, says Terence. I had to ask it if it was a lorry.

There, says Belle. That is the wrong question. Let me ask it a question.

She stoops, and presses her face to the quivering leafage.

Bush dear, how are you feeling?

The bush is feeling better, having been watered with water straight from the wetlands.

I understand, the bush whispers.

Are you by any chance a laurel? asks Belle. Papa was asking.

I understand, says the bush once again.

Understand what? asks Belle.

Confusion, says the bush.

I know, says Belle, sympathetically.

Are you a lorry? asks Terence.

No, it isn't, says Belle. You know that. Be quiet, Terence. It's trying to tell us something.

The bush makes an effort.

None of us have names, says the bush. We just are.

Oh, says Belle. It has no need of a name. I guess no plants do.

But if I'm to be a curtain in your play, says the bush, I will probably need one.

What name would you like? asks Belle.

The bush thinks:

Lorry? Stew? Curtain?

What was that other name? Grandpa?

It's about to say that it might go with Stew, which sounds zippy.

I know! Let's call you Nobby! says Terence.

Oh yes! Nobby is even more zippy.

Talking English At Death's Door

The Velogram returns without water.

Water is coming, he says.

Where from? asks Vello, who likes specifics.

There's an underground watering system, explains the Velogram. It comes from the wetlands.

The bush sighs, shedding more foliage.

A watering system is useless in the circumstances, says David. That is, with the bush in a pot.

The bush listens for further developments.

At least we can shovel some dirt in, says Vello.

Haven't you already done it ? asks the Velogram.

Of course not, says Vello. We were waiting for you.

The bush does not trust the Velogram, who could not find water.

But what can it do?

Yoo hoo! cries someone. A female.

Guess what? cries another.

Belle! says Vello.

And me! says Terence. Where's my sink hole?

There, says David, pointing to the hole that the bush has recently vacated.

Terence jumps in.

Can you see my head?

Not your head, says David, but  your hat and eyebrows are clearly visible.

The Velogram will make it deeper, says Vello.

Then how will the people see me? asks Terence.

No one has thought about this.

A giant mirror? says Vello.

Too expensive, says Belle. What if they sit on the fence?

What if they stand up? says David.

All good suggestions. Then Belle spots the bush.

Crikey! says Belle. This bush is at death's door.

The bush knows that it is at death's door

It leans more obliquely. Its remaining leaves crack at the edges.

It needs dirt and water immediately, says Belle.

I do, gasps the bush.

It said I-DOO, says Terence.

Belle goes to ask Jack for some water. She returns with a hose.

It won't make a very good curtain, in this state, says Belle. We may need to add some fake foliage. Now who'll hold the bush, and who'll shovel dirt in?

I'll hold the bush, says Terence.

He grabs a short twig.

Curtain, says the bush, to Terence.

Stink bug, says Terence.

Fake foliage, says the bush, to Terence.

Bees, says Terence.

Eyebrows, says the bush, to Terence.

Grandpa, says Terence.

Nice touch, says the bush. Gentle.

Hey! says Terence. This bush talks English!

Its Roots Wriggle

The Velogram now has a spade.

Start digging, says Vello. We'll handle the pot.

The Velogram grasps the spade handle.

Wait, says the Velogram. How do you do it?

What do you mean how do you do it? asks Vello.

Have you forgotten? asks the Velogram.

I forget nothing, says Vello. Nor should you.

I think he means that you may have forgotten he is a hologram, says David. And when he was set up in Ferney there was no suggestion of digging.

Cycling, yes, says the Velogram. Sitting about with my feet up, yes. Walking, yes. No digging.

What's to be done? asks Vello.

You begin, says the Velogram. I'll make mental notes, and then follow.

What if David does it? asks Vello. Could you follow?

Steady on, says David. What about that trainee fellow?

Jack is deadheading roses in the distance.

David goes over.

Can we borrow you for a minute? asks David.

I guess so, says Jack.

So Jack provides a model for the Velogram by digging up the bush in the corner.

I think I've got that, says the Velogram. For next time.

Jack goes back to deadheading.

The bush is upended, and needs potting. It's roots wriggle.

What do you know about potting? asks David.

The plant must be upright, says Vello. Here, help me lift it.

Not yet! shrieks the bush.

Did you hear something? asks Vello.

No, says David. Heave ho!

They lift the bush into the pot where it teeters, and comes to rest at an oblique angle.

Dirt, says the Velogram. You should have put dirt in first.

What would you know? asks Vello.

The bush panics. And sheds half of its foliage.

Argh! cries Vello. Our curtain!

Get some water, says David. We may yet save it.

Where from? asks Vello.

The wetland area, says David. Or that mouldy mirror fountain.

The bush hopes the water will come from the wetlands.

The Velogram goes off, to seek water.

He should probably have taken a bucket.

But there is no bucket.

Outdoor theatre has its limitations.

With His Virtual Shoe

Vello sees how the land lies.

The senior gardener thinks Arthur is Costa.

Vello nudges Arthur.

This bush looks unhappy, says Arthur.

It's on our watch and act list, says Adam. What's your opinion?

It wouldn't hurt to dig it up, says Arthur. Pot it, and use it as a curtain.

Adam has not previously heard of  this treatment.

Nor has the bush. But suddenly it feels less unhappy. It's brown leaves perk up and point skyward.

This does not escape Adam's attention.

Worth a try, says Adam. But we're short-staffed at the moment. Lots of Fringe shows. We have to stay open later than usual. But you'd know this.

Yes, says Arthur. We'll do it.

Okay, says Adam. I'll find you a pot.

Well done, Arthur, says David.

Yes, well done, says Vello. He seems to think you're an expert.

I might head off now, says Arthur.

Don't forget to turn up for our dress rehearsal, says Vello.

Sure, says Arthur.

He leaves the Gardens via the Friends Gate, and walks to the Hackney Hotel, where he is offered a free glass of Furphy, and the pick of the new Grazing Table.

Back in the Rose Garden, the Velogram examines the bush.

It's shaped like a hay stack. Hard to get at the bottom.

He scuffs up some peripheral dirt, with his virtual shoe.

Adam comes back with a pot on a trolley.

Good man, says Vello. We'll just wait here for our delivery from Bunnings. One hundred spades.

You should have said, says Adam. We have spades here in abundance.

Ha ha! laughs David. You have spades in spades.

We prefer to use our own, says Vello. The audience may walk away with them.

The audience? says Adam. They can't be allowed to use spades.

First things first, says Vello.

Health and Safety, says Adam.

Yes, yes, says Vello.

What first things first? asks Adam.

No spades yet, says Vello. Like I said. We're waiting.

I'll get you one, says Adam. To start off with.

Good, says Vello. Then my assistant here can start digging.

The Velogram bows.

Adam bows to the Velogram. It seems an appropriate gesture. After all it's Fringe season.

He does enjoy that.

A Stern No

Why are we going this way? asks David.

I want to stop off at Bunnings, says Vello.

For a spade? asks David.

Spades, says Vello.

They arrive. He marches up to the counter, followed by David.

Arthur and the Velogram wait outside, near the sausage sizzle.

Good day! says Vello to the person at the first counter. I'm putting on a play in the Botanic Gardens and find myself in need of one hundred spades.

A hundred? says David.

Yes, a hundred, says Vello. We need to dig this thing in a hurry.

Spades are over there, says the person at the counter.

No need to see them, says Vello. We know what spades look like. This will be wonderful advertising for Bunnings.

Why do you say that? asks the person.

Because I prefer not to pay for them, says Vello.

Would we get them back? asks the person.

Probably most of them, says Vello.

No deal, says the person. Bunnings doesn't operate like that.

Vello is not used to refusals. Perhaps this young woman doesn't know who he is. Well. He is not going to tell her.

Arthur comes in with two sausages wrapped in white bread.

He has not paid for them because the sausage attendant, who watches Gardening Australia, thinks Arthur is Costa.

The Velogram, who looks like Vello, did not get a sausage.

He has stayed outside, examining the parsley and basil.

Thanks, says Vello, taking a sausage from Arthur.

What's up? says Arthur. Trouble about the spades?

They won't give us any, says Vello.

Not even for Gardening Australia? asks Arthur.

Tomato sauce drips onto his dirt engrained trousers.

The counter person looks at the trousers. The pink crumpled shirt. The black curly beard and whiskers.

And goes to ask the manager about the loan of one hundred spades.

....

In the far corner of the Rose Garden, twenty minutes later.

Jack, a trainee gardener, shows them the extent of the venue.

Here to here, says Jack. Sorry about the bush in the middle.

Thundering conkers! says Vello. Can we remove it?

I don't think so, says Jack.

Well, go and find out, snaps Vello.

Jack goes off to ask someone. He is not optimistic.

Let us assume we can dig up this bush, says Vello.

It's dead anyway, says David.

It does look quite brown.

What do you want me to measure? asks Arthur.

I don't know, says Vello. I'm going off the whole enterprise.

Nonsense, says David. Let's be practical. If the bush goes, there's our sink hole.

David, says Vello. You're a genius. Yes!

I can be, on occasion, says David. Okay, let's think logistics. Where will the audience sit?

Along the fence line, says Vello. And we'll keep the dead bush. We'll use it as a curtain.

Jack comes back with Adam, a senior gardener.

Adam had been going to say a stern no to the removal of a bush from the corner of the rose garden, for the convenience of a temporary dramatic production.

But then he sees Costa.

Orange Dance

Where is our venue exactly? asks Vello.

In the rose garden, says Belle. The far corner, behind a large bush.

I know that corner, says David. It's tiny.

No, no, says Belle. They assured me it's quite a large corner.

I'd like to see for myself, says Vello. Coming, David?

Coming, says David. I'll bring a tape measure. And we should take the Velogram, in case he ends up doing the digging.

Good thinking, says Vello. Where is he?

The Velogram is on the floor, with his feet up, not having been offered a chair.

Feet off the wall! says Vello. We're going to the Botanical Gardens. How are you at digging?

The Velogram has been bored since he was banned from cheating in the Tour Down Under.

At least it's an outing.

Ready and willing, says the Velogram.

Vello is suspicious.

Why is his hologram ready and willing? Probably plotting.

The Velogram knows what he's thinking. Ha ha. Let him think it.

Bye, guys, says Belle. Take photos.

Will do, says David.

They leave the office and head down the stairs.

On the way down they meet someone who doesn't look much like Costa.

Hello Arthur, says David. Shu's still in the office.

Arthur stops. Where are you going? Maybe I'll come.

To the Botanical Gardens, says Vello. Dressed like that you'll fit right in. How are you at measuring?

I'm good at measuring, says Arthur.

So Arthur doesn't return to the office. He goes to the Botanical Gardens to measure the plot.

In the office, Sikong Shu and Gaius are talking about spiders.

Elodie has joined them.

Belle is attaching flowers to Celia's hat.

Saint Roley is helping Terence bleach his eyebrows.

Sweezus is furiously finishing off scene three: the final segment of Gardening Australia.

How's it going? asks Belle.

It's lacking something, says Sweezus. Costa shows the audience the orange trees and explains that fifteen years ago they wouldn't have survived in a sink hole.

It does sound a bit flat, says Belle. What about if Paquette and Brother Giroflée do an orange dance?

Yes! says Celia. We'd love to do an orange dance. Wouldn't we, Saint Roley?

How would it go? asks Saint Roley.

Knee bending and head bobbing, says Belle. That's just a suggestion.You could work on it.

Can I be in it? asks Terence.

If you stay in the middle, says Belle. Perhaps holding ribbons.

Why in the middle? asks Terence.

Belle doesn't like to tell him that his dancing would spoil it, because his legs move too stiffly.

Because you've got to hold things together, says Belle.

Yay! says Terence. But I'm not holding ribbons.

String, says Sweezus. You can hold string. That'll bring the whole thing together. Done and dusted.

Belle would have liked ribbons, which look more festive.

But string is a good-in-the-world, bringing the whole thing together.

And that's what we want.

Knowing Spiders

They must dig their own sink hole.

So why has Vello stayed cool?

I see your eyes gleaming, says David.

Imagine this, says Vello. The audience digs it.

Papa, says Belle. We only have an hour.

A very shallow sink hole, says Vello. And I shall lead them. It won't be the real me of course. It'll be that do-nothing Velogram. Give him something to do. Sometimes I surprise myself with my own brilliance.

I'm sure you do, says David. And will we expect them to fill it in afterwards? Perhaps we could give them a discount if they stay back to help?

Certainly not, says Vello. It's something they'll remember. In fact, we should charge extra.

Belle gives him a look which says: Papa, that's going too far!

Then she gives Sweezus a look which says: Don't worry it's not going to happen.

And Vello is beaming. He likes it when Belle thinks he's going too far.

And Sweezus is no longer worrying, because Belle thinks he needn't.

Meanwhile Sikong Shu is talking to Gaius.

Sikong Shu: Are you certain Arthur is coming?

Gaius: Absolutely. His part is crucial. And he knows spiders.

And Elodie is talking to Terence

Elodie: Go on!

Terence: No.

She whips off his hat, and his eyebrows.

Elodie: I know! You're one of those infants!

Terence: Which ones?

Elodie: The cement ones. They're in churches. Or on them.

Terence: I'm not. I'm a Grandpa Marx Stink Bug.

Elodie: Have you thought that through? You're NEVER actually a Grandpa Marx Stink Bug.

Terence: In scene one.

Elodie: But in scene one you're a young Stink Bug, and in scene three, fifteen years later, you're a different young Stink Bug.

Terence: A grandchild of me.

Elodie: Yes, a grandchild.

Terence: What does a grandchild have?

Elodie: A grandparent.

Terence: And what does he look like?

Elodie: It doesn't matter. You're young in both scenes.

Terence: You remind me of someone.

Elodie: Who?

Terence: A smart arse!

Belle: Terence!

Terence: Can I have white eyebrows in scene one so I look like a grandpa?

Belle: If you behave yourself. Yes.

Elodie feels like a bit of a smart arse. She joins Gaius and Sikong Shu to talk about spiders.

She does know a lot about spiders.

Random Woman Thinks

What's the play? asks Elodie.

Candide's Garden, says Belle. A follow up.

Wow! says Elodie. What's the story? Or is it a secret?

Dunno. Is it? asks Sweezus.

No, says Vello. Run it by her. I'd like to gauge her reaction.

Okay, says Sweezus. It's set in a garden. Suddenly vroom! a sinkhole appears in the garden. There's a stink bug running round at the bottom.

Me, says Terence. And some bees.

Elodie looks at Terence in his orange leggings with a black rear button, and his orange hat with the eyebrows.

You remind me of someone, says Elodie. Take the hat off.

No, says Terence.

So the old lady rings up Gardening Australia and speaks to Costa, says Sweezus. Arthur plays Costa.

With the whiskers, says Elodie.

Yeah. But Costa doesn't come. So they start their own sunken garden. Using string lines. But the old lady trips on the string lines.

You left us out, says Celia.

Sweet. You've got real birds in it, says Elodie.

Yes, says Celia. At first I played brother Giroflée, but Saint Roley wanted the hood to balance his nose.

Beak, says Saint Roley.

Nose, says Celia.

So now you're....? asks Elodie.

Paquette, says Celia. I order a box of oranges. And then it's fifteen years in the future.

Fast paced, says Elodie.

It's because oranges take fifteen years to produce if you grow them from seed, says Gaius.

And I'm dead, says Terence. So I'm a grandchild. I'm called Baby Stink Bug. And before, I was Grandpa Marx Stink Bug.

So how does it end? asks Elodie.

Still working on it, says Sweezus.

I have an idea, says Sikong Shu. Costa turns up.

Sweezus knows where that came from.

It's a ruse, to bring Arthur back.

Fifteen years later, says Sweezus, Costa turns up, and he's still on Gardening Australia, and he wants to do a show about the sunken garden, because sunken gardens are cool.

And can now produce oranges due to climate change, says Belle. Might as well say that.

Always good to be topical, says David.

What does the random young woman think? asks Vello.

Meaning me? says Elodie. I'd pay to see it.

Excellent says Vello. How much?

Up to ten dollars, says Elodie. Where is it showing?

A tent, says David. Some tent or other.... where is it, Belle?

Not an actual tent, says Belle. There were none left. It's a corner of the Botanical Gardens. We've got permission to dig our own sink hole, as long as we fill it in again.

She expects an explosion from Vello, who never liked digging.

But Vello stays cool.

Endlessly Yearning

Am I in scene three? asks Gaius.

Good question, says Belle. You were already an old lady. Now it's fifteen years in the future.

How old was the old lady? asks David.

Vello is the one who should know.

How should I know? says Vello. It was a long time ago.

I wouldn't mind if I wasn't in it, says Gaius. And I assume Arthur won't be. We can use the scene three rehearsal times to research the peacock spider.

Peacock spider? says David. Is that your next project?

It may well be, says Gaius. Two new ones have been found in Western Australia. Fascinating creatures. Very colourful dancers.

Does Arthur know? asks Sweezus.

Not yet, says Gaius. Where is he?

He went down the stairs, in his curly black wig and whiskers, says Celia. Probably to see if anyone will mistake him for Costa.

No one will, says Vello. He doesn't have the right personality.

Let's see if he's right.

Arthur goes up and down the stairs several times before he sees anyone.

But now, here come two people.

Deep in conversation.

The man: I am endlessly yearning to be in Changan, where insects hum of autumn....

The woman: Hum of autumn?

Yes, it is Sikong Shu and the other Marilyn.

Her real name is not the other Marilyn. Let us now use her real name.

Sikong Shu: It's a poem. I know it will not be autumn in Changan for quite some time.

Elodie: Yes, fine. But how do insects hum of autumn?

Arthur wonders the same. Hmm.

But wisely says nothing.

He continues down the stairs to the bottom, and into the street.

Sikong Shu and Elodie climb the stairs to the Velosophy office.

They knock.  Belle opens the door.

Sikong Shu! Come in! says Belle. Looking for Arthur? He's just left.

We saw him, says Elodie.

Did we? asks Sikong Shu. I didn't.

(A victory for Arthur!)

Sikong Shu! says Gaius. How good to see you. Are you at a loose end by any chance?

I'm thinking of going camping, says Sikong Shu. With Arthur.

Know anything about spiders? asks Gaius. I know they're a far cry from fossils.

Are you into fossils? asks Elodie.

Shu and I were on Kangaroo Island together, says Gaius. We examined the latest fossil discoveries in the Emu Bay Shale.

That's cool, says Elodie.

Well, says Gaius, when this play is over, Arthur will be coming camping with me. I should welcome Shu's company, if he does have an interest in spiders.

I do. I should love to, says Sikong Shu.

(This is working out perfectly).

So should I, says Elodie. I'm SO into spiders.

(This isn't).

Nature Comes Good

Sweezus tries on his costume.

Everything fits.

He wonders how Belle knew his sizes.

Gaius comes in.

How are we progressing? asks Gaius.

No one answers. They're watching Sweezus's feet.

The white soles of his metallic gold shoes flash green and purple with every movement.

I wonder, says Vello, if we might all wear shoes like that?

No papa, says Belle. And not you, particularly. Your character Martin's a pessimist.

An extreme pessimist, says David, whereas Pangloss...

Not you either, says Belle. We want Candide to stand out from the others.

Nevertheless I might buy some for my own use, says Vello.

Great, says Belle. Remind me not to go out with you. Hello Gaius. We have something to ask you.

Not changed your minds about the vacuum cleaner, I hope, says Gaius. I've taken it home.

No, says David. How are you at pratfalls?

Gaius informs them he is an expert at pratfalls.

Good, says Sweezus. You'll be tripping on string.

And going unconscious, says Terence, because I pressed my stink button. And then you go up on a rope and I plant some oranges. Red ones.

Wait! says Gaius. Oranges. In the sink hole?

Sweezus has been jogging on the spot, to check out the lighting. He stops jogging.

Now what?

You wouldn't plant oranges in a sink hole, says Gaius. They need a sunny well drained area, and at least six hour of sun every day.

Plant them at the top then, says Belle.

Sweezus looks grateful.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Plant them at the top.

What will I eat? asks Terence. I'm at the bottom.

You won't be eating oranges in a hurry, says Gaius. It's three years to produce oranges from grafted root stock and fifteen from seeds.

Fifteen oranges? says Terence.

Fifteen years, says Gaius. Gardening is a long term proposition. My own garden attests to it. This year I enjoyed a small crop of asparagus, after seven years of nothing.

Okay, says Sweezus. We can get round this. Terence stays at the bottom. Paquette goes to market and buys a box of oranges to keep everyone going while they figure out what to do.

I can't carry a whole box of oranges, says Celia.

You won't have to, says Belle. It can happen off stage. The box of oranges will appear at the top of the sink hole, beside you.

But I'm at the bottom, says Terence.

Terence, says Belle, if you are at the bottom and the oranges are at the top, and that is a problem, there are two ways to solve it.

More than two, says David.

Okay, says Belle. More than two. But the point is, we can solve it.

Sweezus sits down and watches his LED lights stop flashing.

Three ways to solve the oranges. Not long ago there were no oranges. Heavy.

Scene three, says Vello. Let's progress to scene three. Thoughts anyone?

What about ...... it's fifteen years in the future, says Sweezus. And there's oranges dropping into the sink hole from above. And Terence is eating them. It's kind of ..... like, nature comes good.

BUT, says Terence, I'm a really old stink bug, and I haven't got any teeth.

Even worse, says Gaius. For you anyway. You would have died years ago.

Wah! wails Terence.

But, says Sweezus. You can play a descendent.

What's that? asks Terence. Another sink hole in the sink hole?

He's sharp, says Vello.

No, says Sweezus. A grandchild of the stink bug. Or a great grandchild, whatever. And you can wear the same costume.

Yay! says Terence. I'm still in it!

Your Character Is Not A Bird

Right! says Vello. Let's get on with it. How do we feel about string?

It's got potential, says Sweezus. How about in scene two Candide uses string to lay out a garden?

In the sink hole? asks David.

Of course in the sink hole, says Vello.

No 'of course' about it, says David. They may decide to start a new garden from scratch.

No need to complicate things, says Vello. String to lay out a garden in a sink hole. I like it. We could introduce some business with Pangloss tripping over the string.

I refuse to do stage tripping, says David.

The old lady then, says Vello. She has padding. Where's Gaius?

He's taken his vacuum cleaner home, says Belle. He'll be back shortly.

We'll ask him, says Vello. Now, Sweezus, how do you lay out a garden with string?

Tie it to sticks, I guess, says Sweezus. (He has no idea).

How do I get out? asks Terence.

Out of what? asks Belle. Out of your costume?

OUT OF THE SINK HOLE! says Terence.

You stay in it, says Sweezus. You turn out to be helpful. The old lady gets up after she's tripped over and injured her ankle.

Excellent, says Vello. A development!

And the stink bug presses his stink button, so she's knocked unconscious. Then Paquette climbs down the ladder.

I don't need a ladder, says Celia.

Your character is not a bird, says Vello. You will need a ladder.

I'll have to practise, thinks Celia.

Maybe Brother Giroflée should go down first, says Belle. He has a short cloak on.

Happy to, says Saint Roley.

And they waft the air a bit, says Sweezus, because it stinks, and then they see the old lady, and they try to get her up the ladder.

Using string? asks Belle.

Yeah well they could twist strings together to make a rope, says Sweezus. And tie it round the old lady. And pull her up.

Who's at the top? asks David. Not Pangloss I hope. I'm not hauling Gaius.

Candide, says Vello.

Am I still down there? asks Terence. Where are the bees?

No bees, says Sweezus. You get to plant oranges.

Yay! says Terence. Red ones?

Normal ones, says Sweezus.

I'm not doing it, says Terence. I want to plant red ones.

Blood oranges, says Belle. I don't see why not.

Okay! says Sweezus. There's a lot going on here. Just trying to keep it all in my head.

Poor Sweezie, says Belle. Here, this might cheer you up. This is your costume.

She opens a bag, and takes out an awesome costume.

A black and gold floral print short sleeve satin shirt
Plain white chino shorts
Metallic gold LED Light-up Sneakers.

Non-Simultaneous Universal Good

Arthur comes in.

Got my disguise yet?

You mean your costume, says Belle. Yes, here's the black wig and whiskers, and here are some dirty green trousers and a crumpled pink shirt.

Arthur likes the dirty trousers. The dirt is ground in.

But he doesn't like the shirt.

He tries on his costume. He almost looks like Costa. He would, if Costa looked a bit more like Arthur.

David finishes his coffee.

I hear you have some ideas about string, says David.

Who told you? asks Arthur.

Sweezus, says David. The play has come to a halt at some bracketed dots. We await your fresh input.

Arthur doesn't clearly remember his ideas about string. They were transient.

You reckoned that string was a good in the world, says Sweezus. And you reckoned that you'd just seen it in action.

Now Arthur remembers.

It's tricky, says Arthur.

Go on, says Vello. I always appreciate tricky.

Look at this, says Terence. This is tricky.

He turns around, to show Arthur his stink button.

A button, says Arthur. At the back. That is tricky.

Why? asks Terence.

They're normally at the front, says Arthur. So you can pee easily.

It's a STINK button, says Terence. Maybe I need it at the front.

No, you don't, says Belle. I don't want you having easy access.

Why......? begins Terence.

Shut up Terence, says Vello. Go on Arthur.

String is a non-simultaneous universal good, says Arthur.

That makes no sense, says Vello. Can you elaborate?

Yes, give us an example, says Belle.

Okay, says Arthur. I thought of it when this happened. I was sitting under the jetty at Brighton. A woman sat down beside me and started talking.

Lucky you, says Vello. Was she attractive?

Wearing a wig, says Arthur. And a white swimsuit, and dragging a blue rubber ring.

One of the Marilyns! says Belle.

Yes, says Arthur. She asked why I looked so morose.

Why did you? asks Belle.

Never mind! says Vello. He's a morose sort of fellow. Where is the string?

Suddenly, says Arthur, the blue rubber ring began moving towards the water.

On a string, presumably, says Vello. Who was pulling it?

Sikong Shu, says Arthur. Marilyn ran after her ring. Sikong Shu sat down beside me. There's the first example of the non-simultaneous goodness of string. It was good for him then, but not good for me until later.

This is unconvincing, says David. But continue.

She came back. He pulled the string again, and the rubber ring headed back to the water.

I don't understand, says Vello. Wasn't he sitting beside you?

The string was wound around a wooden jetty pile, says Arthur. It was like vectors.

Vello nods. Of course he understands vectors.

And then, says Arthur, they got talking about fighting with bamboo sticks and I walked away. So the string was good for me, but only after it stopped being good for Sikong Shu.

How do you know it stopped being good for him? asks David. Perhaps Sikong Shu and this Marilyn are happy the string brought them together.

I don't know, says Arthur. But that's it. Take it or leave it.

Cool Idea About String

Belle returns with a bag of materials, silk flowers and ribbons. And a black curly wig.

And Terence, who is now dressed in orange.

Guess what? says Terence. This is my costume. Guess what this is?

He turns.

There is a black button sewn onto the back of his leggings.

Stink button? says Sweezus.

YES! says Terence. It won't work until Belle puts the stink in.

I'll rig up some sort of spray can, says Belle. And tuck it into his leggings, behind the button.

Wonderful, says Vello. You think of everything. Where is the coffee?

Isn't that it? asks Belle, pointing to an open jar of coffee.

Hard as a rock, says Vello.

That's the old coffee, says Belle. So you guys haven't had any coffee?

No we haven't says Vello. We waited for you.

Belle goes into the tiny kitchen to find the new coffee.

Awesome leggings, with a black button on the back, says Sweezus. Where'd you guys find them?

We didn't, says Terence. We looked and looked. Belle said let's get these orange ones you don't need a button, I said yes I do so she bought a black button and I wanted to wear the leggings with the button so she stopped and did sewing.

She's a gem! says Vello.

Belle comes out with the coffee.

Where's Arthur? asks Belle. I've bought him a wig.

Probably coming, says Sweezus. He's got this cool idea about string.

Has he? says Belle. I'll be interested to hear it.

We all will, says David. What else have you got in the bag there?

More costumes, says Belle. Where are Celia and Saint Roley?

Celia flutters over.

I'm playing Paquette now, says Celia. And Saint Roley is playing Brother Giroflée.

Cripes! says Belle. He's tall and thin and you're kind of ... stocky. I hope ... no, it should be all right.

Stocky? says Celia.

It means stout, says David.

That's WORSE, says Celia. These are FEATHERS! I can flatten them any time I want to.

You are gorgeous, says Belle. You'll be the prettiest Paquette ever. I've bought this straw hat, and these lovely silk flowers. And we can drape the dress over your shoulders and tie it behind you.

You can have a button, says Terence. We've got two. Only mine's a stink button.

What about my costume? asks Saint Roley. We thought the pointy hood would balance my beak.

It will, but the cloak may be too short, says Belle. Do you mind if your knees show?

I suppose not, says Saint Roley.

He really doesn't.

He has always been proud of his knees.

Pointless Points

Back at the office.

Vello and David practice their lines.

Vello (Martin the philosopher): It doesn't much matter.

David (Doctor Pangloss): I agree, but for a different reason.

Vello: My point is, it's all pointless.

David: My point is, what happens is what should happen.

Vello: Yes but .... hydrangeas!

David: Beautiful plants.

Vello: Needing umbrellas

David: Not in a sink hole. There's Providence for you!

They stop. Here the script ends in bracketed dots.

( .....)

Vello what do these mean?

Sweezus: To be continued.

Vello: When?

Sweezus: When I figure out how to introduce the theme of the goodness of string.

Vello: String?

David: Surely it's simple, in a play about a garden.

Sweezus: Yeah but like, as a good in the world. A philosophical construct. Arthur's idea.

David: Nevertheless, I'm intrigued. Why did Arthur pick string?

Dunno yet, says Sweezus.

Celia and Saint Roley have been waiting to ask a question. Now seems a good time.

Celia puts her hand up.

What is it? asks Vello.

Can we exchange parts? asks Celia. Me and Saint Roley. I want the straw hat. He wants the pointed hood. It makes sense.

Everyone contemplates the gender implications.

They're good.

Celia will play Paquette, in a hat with a ribbon, instead of Brother Giroflée, a monk in a hood.

Saint Roley will play Brother Giroflée, in a pointed hood that will balance his long-beaked profile.

There is only one problem.

Belle has already taken their measurements, and gone off to the shops.

We'll see, says Vello. I'm inclined to say yes, though.

And can we have more lines? asks Celia. All I get to say is There go the pistachios. It's a waste of a hat.

Certainly, says David. There'll be additional lines about string shortly. Won't there, Sweezus?

Yeah, says Sweezus.

Garden string or philosophical string? asks Saint Roley.

Ideally both, says Vello. We await enlightenment from Arthur. Shall we adjourn for a coffee?

Are you making it? asks David.

I suppose I'll have to, says Vello.

Not that he's lazy, but Belle normally does it.

Is There Good In The World?

You always keep string handy,? says Arthur. Since when?

Poetic licence, says Sikong Shu. But today I had string in my pocket.

Do you want it back? asks Arthur.

I still have one end, says Sikong Shu.

And she's following it up, observes Arthur.

Sikong Shu feels a tug on the string.

The other Marilyn!

She is dragging her blue rubber ring up the sand under the jetty towards Arthur and the culprit.

She drops down beside Sikong Shu.

What was THAT about? asks Marilyn.

A diversion, says Sikong Shu, winding the string round his forearm and elbow.

The blue ring recedes once again.

I'm not going after it this time, says the other Marilyn. I'm alert to your tricks now.

Suit yourself, says Sikong Shu. But please keep your mouth shut while I importune Arthur.

He doesn't want to go camping, says the other Marilyn. Why don't you leave him alone?

I can't forget him, says Sikong Shu. And how we fought with sharpened bamboo sticks, on Mount Mentougu.

Who won? asks the other Marilyn.

Neither of us, says Sikong Shu. We both bled profusely.

Fools, says the other Marilyn.

You wouldn't understand, says Sikong Shu.

Try me, says the other Marilyn.

Arthur is about to interrupt at this moment, but he doesn't.

His phone rings. It's Sweezus, who has returned to the office.

What's up? asks Arthur.

Is there some good in the world? asks Sweezus.

Why ask me? says Arthur.

Come on man, says Sweezus. This is freaking philosophy. The play. I should've I'd left them to it.

Vello and David? asks Arthur.

Yeah, Vello and David, says Sweezus. They want more philosophy and less gardening. Help me come up with something

Arthur thinks. Absinthe is good. So is surfing. So is finding the phrase that you want. Such as 'lichens of sunlight and mucus of azure', or 'long violet clots' or 'blue wine and vomit'......

But this won't help Sweezus.

He looks sideways at Sikong Shu who is explaining the ins and outs of fighting with bamboo sticks to the other Marilyn.

Her eyes are shining.

String, says Arthur.

Bullshit, says Sweezus. String? That's a good?

Just seen it happen, says Arthur.

He edges away from the shade under the jetty and walks back to his bicycle, unspotted.

If he's wise, though, he won't forget that disguise.

He Won't Go

The other Marilyn sees her blue rubber ring disappearing.

It is being pulled on a string towards the green slapping water in the tunnel to nowhere.

She gets up, outraged.

Are you COMING? she says to Arthur.

What? Where? asks Arthur, still thinking about his forthcoming disguise, which will be useful.

Someone's stealing my blue rubber ring, says the other Marilyn. Help me!

Arthur does not feel obliged to help her. It's her ring. And it's not moving fast.

He watches her wade into the gurgling water.

Someone sits down beside him.

Sikong Shu.

He is holding a string in one hand.

Arthur! says Sikong Shu. You see how much I need you.

Not exactly, says Arthur. What are you doing?

A young woman sits on the sand next to Arthur, (says Sikong Shu)
She wears a white garment, her hair gleams
in the shafts of gold sunlight escaping the encrusted piles,
she is impervious to my desire
to replace her beside Arthur; I despair,
until I perceive the chink in her armour,
a blue rubber ring.

I lasso it
with a string that I always keep handy.
I draw the string to the first submerged pile.
I wade around it.
I creep up the sand unobserved and sit down behind them
I pull on the string. The rubber ring is drawn to the water.
She is startled! She leaps up! She calls Arthur to help her.
BUT I KNOW MY ARTHUR.
HE won't go.

Arthur is not impressed in the least by this poem.

It May Be Too Late

The paddle is over.

Pablo has hooked up with the short Marilyn. She has removed her blonde wig.

Her hair is blonde underneath. Her swimsuit is translucent.

He invites her to go with him down the coast surfing.

She agrees, because she loves surfing.

And she likes him. He has made a cool poem:

Not for you or I Marilyn
the way of the cuttlefish,
I have not the specialised tentacles
to insert sperm sacs into an opening
near to your mouth,
nor the patience to watch you lay eggs
a few hours later,
but your golden hair flowing,
your translucent swimsuit,
the blue ring you float in,
encirled, undulating,
make me desirous
of a maritime connection.

He made it last year for a different Marilyn. But she does not know.

Another Marilyn has found Arthur under the jetty.

Hi, says the other Marilyn. Did you see us? We waved and shouted Yoo hoo!

No, says Arthur. I was thinking.

What about? asks the other Marilyn.

A tunnel to nowhere, says Arthur.

Like under the jetty? says the other Marilyn. Yes I see. But why do you look so morose? Relationship problems?

There's this Middle Tang poet, says Arthur. He wants to go camping. But I don't. He keeps following me so I've agreed to play Costa in Candide's Garden to obtain a disguise.

That sounds over complicated, says the other Marilyn. Why don't you tell the guy you don't want to go camping?

Told him, says Arthur. But he believes we've got a mystic connection.

Sweezus appears. He sits down beside Arthur and the other Marilyn.

I ought to go back and help the boss, says Sweezus. I won't get paid otherwise.

Go on then, says Arthur. Remind them I need my black wig and beard as soon as possible.

Sure will, says Sweezus.

He gets up and turns, in time to see a white haired Chinese man duck behind a crustacean encrusted jetty pile.

But it maybe too late, mutters Sweezus.

In Love With The Short One

Sweezus, Arthur and Pablo are cycling to Brighton.

I look forward to seeing the Marilyn's, says Pablo. They are beautiful, in their white swimsuits.

Yeah, says Sweezus. I always thought women hated wearing white swimsuits.

Only when they get wet, says Pablo. For then there is the possibility to see through them.

They cycle down the Anzac Highway, each with a vision.

Pablo's vision is of the lovely Marilyn he hooked up with last year. He had written a poem for her, about cuttlefish. Perhaps he will meet her again.

Or perhaps another.

Sweezus's vision is of a white swimsuit. With Belle in it.

Arthur's vision is of himself sitting under the jetty composing a poem:

down the tunnel to nowhere
black shadows snake
on slapping green water
and crustaceans crackle
crackle crackle...
and nothing is done.

By now they have arrived at Brighton. The beach is dotted with multiple Marilyns, in white swimsuits, blonde wigs and red lipstick, some wrapped in towels.

Two of them spot the cyclists.

#1 Marilyn: Are they those cyclists?

#2 Marilyn: Yes! From the Tour Down Under. Let's say hello.

They approach them.

Pablo: My heart swells at the sight of such beautiful women.

#1 Marilyn: Thank you. We don't look like this normally.

#2 Marilyn: These are Marilyn wigs, and we've had our makeup done professionally.

Pablo: The effect is erotically disturbing. Have you been in the water?

(He can see that they haven't).

#1 and #2 Marilyns: No, we haven't.

Sweezus: Will you guys be racing?

#1 and #2 Marilyns: It's not a race, it's a fundraiser for Cancer Research.

Arthur: See you later. I'm heading off to the jetty.

#1 and #2 Marilyns: We might see you. We do a 400 metre paddle in rubber rings around the jetty.

Pablo: Perhaps we shall see you both after your paddle.

#1 and #2 Marilyns: Yes, maybe.

They head off for the start of their paddle.

Pablo: I'm in love with the short one. I hope you men are not in love with her too.

Sweezus: Not me bro. Ditto the other one. You, Arthur?

Arthur: No, not me.

The Marilyns paddle around the Brighton jetty. Splash splash. There are 270 of them.

#1 Marilyn: Look there's that cute blue eyed one, under the jetty. Yoo hoo!

But there is no answer from Arthur.

he's in the tunnel to nowhere
where black shadows snake
on slapping green water
and crustaceans crackle
crackle crackle...

and nothing is done.

The Nihilist Hole

At this point Arthur comes in.

Just the man, says Sweezus. Where's the stalker?

Lost him, says Arthur.

Can you help us out here? asks Sweezus.

Sure. What's up? says Arthur.

The play! says Vello. Had you forgotten? It's only half finished. And we need you to play a gardener.

Okay, says Arthur. Which gardener?

Costa, says Sweezus. You don't have to.

Costa, says Arthur. Do I get a black wig?

Yes, Arthur, says Belle. A curly one. And a black beard and moustache. I imagine that's tempting?

It is tempting. Arthur may have lost Sikong Shu for the moment, but Sikong Shu is relentless.

I'll do it, says Arthur.

Good, says Vello. Now, let's workshop the rest of the play.

Where are you up to? asks Arthur.

I'm in the sink hole, says Terence. Running about. And someone's getting a ladder.

And we're at the top of the sink hole, says Celia. Wearing hats.

Hats? says Arthur. Did we write that?

No, says Sweezus, we came up with the hats just now because Celia and Saint Roley look too much like birds without them.

They would, says Arthur. So, the scene ends how?

With the old lady saying that Costa is coming to plant hydrangeas, apples and tree ferns, and introduce bees, says Sweezus.

So we're up to scene two, says Arthur. I suppose I should be in it.

And I should be in it, says Terence.

You don't have to be in it, says Sweezus.

I do until I get out of the stink hole, says Terence.

SINK hole, says Belle.

Stinky sink hole, says Terence. I'll keep pressing my stink button.

What stink button? says Arthur.

We had to give him one, says Sweezus.

Right, says Arthur. Here's my idea. Scene Two. The sink hole. Costa climbs down the ladder, followed by the old lady. Costa says This has potential. How's about we give it the treatment on Gardening Australia? The old lady says Done!

Where are you going with this? asks Vello. Television! We don't need to appeal to the populace.

They wait months to hear back from Costa but nothing happens, says Arthur.

Like Waiting for Godot, says David.

I trust not, says Vello.

So you're in the scene for a couple of minutes, says Belle. And that's it. And for that you think you can have a black wig and curly whiskers?

You know me too well, says Arthur.

There's a knock on the door.

Everyone freezes. Is it Sikong Shu?

But no. It's Pablo, looking for Arthur and Sweezus.

Hello men, says Pablo. Have you finished here? Today is the swimming race of the Marilyns at Brighton.

Shit I forgot, says Sweezus. Mind if...?

Go ahead, says Vello. I think we can take over from here.

Yes, says David. We need to get out of this nihilist hole Sweezus and Arthur have dug us into.

Sweezus, Arthur and Pablo depart from the nihilist hole, leaving Vello and David to come up with a new direction.

Introduce Native Bees

So I go to fetch the old lady, says Vello. What do I tell her?

Nothing, says Sweezus. You just come back with the old lady, and show her the sink hole.

And what does she say? asks Gaius.

Get the vacuum cleaner! shouts Terence. There's a stink bug down there!

She doesn't even see you, says Sweezus. She says something like, This is a job for that gardening guy on the telly. Why don't I contact him via the ABC website?

Inventive, says Vello. And does she?

Yeah. She goes back inside and sends Cunégonde to look at the sink hole.

That's me, says Belle. What do I look like?

Hot, says Sweezus.

That's more like it, says Belle. I always hated how papa said Cunégonde had grown ugly.

It's a device, says Vello. Another setback for Candide. And he marries her anyway.

How lovely, says Celia.

No it isn't, says Belle. It's wrong on a feminist level. But Sweezie fixed it. He's made me look hot.

You've been cooking pastry, says Sweezus.

You ARE joking? says Belle.

Yeah, joking, says Sweezus. Anyhow, Martin and Pangloss are saying Yeah leave it, what can we do, and you say We need to fix this. First of all we'll build some steps down. And Martin says How? And you say Get a ladder.

I can go up the ladder! cries Terence.

Hadn't thought of that, says Sweezus. But yeah.  So we won't need the vacuum cleaner.

Terence is about to start wailing.

YET! says Sweezus. Okay, so the old lady comes back looking perky. She's called Gardening Australia and spoken directly to Costa. And he's coming round. Or he isn't. When Arthur comes back we'll know for certain.

What's this? asks Vello.

I thought he could play Costa, says Sweezus. But he might not want to. Anyway, the old lady says that Costa told her to plant hydrangeas.

I say! says David. Hydrangeas! I'm impressed. Have you been doing some research?

And tree ferns and apples, says Sweezus. And maybe introduce native bees.