Easter Sunday. Mrs Hume has planned an Easter picnic. Everyone is to meet at her house. Arthur is first to arrive.
Arthur! says Mrs Hume. How lovely to see you. But what has happened to your hair?
Eggs, says Arthur. And no one will lend me a comb.
Mrs Hume goes to her bathroom cupboard, and fetches a fine tooth comb.
Then she goes to her kitchen pantry and gets the vinegar bottle.
Next she finds a piece of clean white paper, and spreads it on the kitchen table.
Sit down, dear, and lean over this paper, says Mrs Hume. We'll soon get the little buggers out.
She rakes into Arthur's hair with gusto. Little white eggs drop softly onto the paper.
Ouch ! yells Arthur. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
......
Bunny arrives.
Arthur, says Bunny. You're back. Happy Easter. How was dad? Did he send me a message or anything?
No, says Arthur. I mean yes, he did send something.
What? asks Bunny.
Arthur sits up and takes an object from his pocket. It is wrapped in Humpty Dumpty paper, but it is flat on top, and dented at the sides. He hands it over to Bunny.
Eeuw! says Bunny. It's all warm from your leg. And what is it anyway? It's disgusting.
.......
Sweezus arrives.
Hello dear, says Mrs Hume. Belle et Bonne and Marie will be here soon. And I believe they're bringing everyone a present.
Cool, says Sweezus. Presents! And what's the picnic?
Roasted free range chicken, says Mrs Hume. And my special fizzy bean salad. Did you bring anything?
Arthur was bringing it, says Sweezus. A Humpty Dumpty egg. It's from both of us.
He's already produced it, says Mrs Hume. Well, never mind.
.......
David And Vello arrive, with several bottles.
Hello mother, says David, to Mrs Hume. How's the car?
Would you believe it? says Mrs Hume. I took it to the garage and they put some squeak remover on the brakes. It's perfect now.
Hello, hello, says Vello jovially. What's this here on the table?
Eggs, says Mrs Hume. Wrap them up now, Arthur. We don't want to get them mixed up with the picnic.
.......
Marie and Belle et Bonne arrive.
Darlings! says Vello. At last you're back from Paris safe and sound. You'll never know how much we've missed you both. The office is a shambles. Have you ever heard of a character called Banksy?
Mr Drone! says Bunny, offended.
It's all very modern I know, says Vello, but....
Oh papa, says Belle et Bonne. Sit down and let Marie give out the presents.
Marie opens an enormous bag of gifts from Paris.
A moleskin diary each for David and Vello; books from Shakespeare and Company for Mrs Hume and Bunny; a fine black cashmere beret for Arthur; and.....
.........a giant box of macarons for Sweezus!
Everyone is happy.
Now for the Easter picnic. But alas, it's started raining.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
The Protectiveness of Mothers
It is morning. Rossco has offered to take Sweezus and Arthur to the station. They have already said goodbye to Pastor Moon. They stop just up the road to say goodbye to Butterfly and Fish.
Sweezus knocks.
Butterfly and Fish run to open the door.
We've come to say goodbye, says Sweezus.
Daddy found a SNAKE, says Butterfly. In the garden.
And now we've got a NOODLE, says Fish.
Really? says Sweezus. what's a noodle?
Its a dog, silly, says Butterfly. Fish can't say it. It's a VOODLE.
A Cavoodle! calls Mummy from the kitchen. It'll scare away the snake.
..............
Sweezus and Arthur are on the train from Emu Plains to Sydney airport.
Arthur is looking gloomy.
What's the matter? asks Sweezus.
I'm thinking about what Ray said, says Arthur. About being a father.
Did your dad lock you in your bedroom? asks Sweezus.
No, he left when I was six, says Arthur. And never came back. He left mum, me and my brother and my three little sisters.
Your poor mum, says Sweezus.
Ha! says Arthur. Poor mum! She made me and my brother learn a hundred lines of Latin verse by heart, and if we got it wrong we got no dinner.
No dinner! says Sweezus. Shit. I always got my dinner. And mum and dad were pretty easy going.
That's why you're not creative, says Arthur.
That's where you're wrong, says Sweezus. I am creative. You should see the stuff I did on Richard the Third. Beyoncé thought it was awesome. Mega-awesome!
Did you write that? says Arthur. I saw it. Ray showed it to me. Bunny sent it through. Catch me doing that. If I wrote something I'd want to put my name to it.
Now Sweezus is cast down.
Here, says Arthur. Cheer up. Lets share this Humpty Dumpty.
As he yanks the Humpty Dumpty egg out of his pocket, it rattles intriguingly.
Perhaps it's full of Bunties!
It doesn't take much to cheer Sweezus up.
Sweezus knocks.
Butterfly and Fish run to open the door.
We've come to say goodbye, says Sweezus.
Daddy found a SNAKE, says Butterfly. In the garden.
And now we've got a NOODLE, says Fish.
Really? says Sweezus. what's a noodle?
Its a dog, silly, says Butterfly. Fish can't say it. It's a VOODLE.
A Cavoodle! calls Mummy from the kitchen. It'll scare away the snake.
..............
Sweezus and Arthur are on the train from Emu Plains to Sydney airport.
Arthur is looking gloomy.
What's the matter? asks Sweezus.
I'm thinking about what Ray said, says Arthur. About being a father.
Did your dad lock you in your bedroom? asks Sweezus.
No, he left when I was six, says Arthur. And never came back. He left mum, me and my brother and my three little sisters.
Your poor mum, says Sweezus.
Ha! says Arthur. Poor mum! She made me and my brother learn a hundred lines of Latin verse by heart, and if we got it wrong we got no dinner.
No dinner! says Sweezus. Shit. I always got my dinner. And mum and dad were pretty easy going.
That's why you're not creative, says Arthur.
That's where you're wrong, says Sweezus. I am creative. You should see the stuff I did on Richard the Third. Beyoncé thought it was awesome. Mega-awesome!
Did you write that? says Arthur. I saw it. Ray showed it to me. Bunny sent it through. Catch me doing that. If I wrote something I'd want to put my name to it.
Now Sweezus is cast down.
Here, says Arthur. Cheer up. Lets share this Humpty Dumpty.
As he yanks the Humpty Dumpty egg out of his pocket, it rattles intriguingly.
Perhaps it's full of Bunties!
It doesn't take much to cheer Sweezus up.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
The Responsibilities Of A Father
Ray gets out the plates. They eat the fish and then they eat the chocolate.
That was good, Ray, says Rossco. All that chocolate. How come you had so much?
Bunny, says Ray Moon, sadly.
No need to rub it in, says Sweezus.
I mean Bunny, says Ray. I bought it all for Bunny.
But Bunny isn't here, says Sweezus.
No, you ate it, says Gastro, nodding sagely.
Shut up, Gastro, says Rossco. You mean your daughter, Ray?
Yes, sighs Ray. My daughter Bunny. I buy her a golden chocolate bunny every Easter. A bunny for my Bunny.
That's lame, says Arthur. Does that make up for locking her in her bedroom?
Ray! says Rossco. Don't tell me you do that?
A father has responsibilities, says Ray.
Too right, says Gastro.
There is a moment's silence, while the others measure their own father against Ray.
If there's any more chocolate, says Sweezus, we could take some back for Bunny.
Would you do that? says Ray. I'll have a look.
Yeah, says Sweezus. We're going back tomorrow.
Ray looks inside his fridge, and finds a Humpty Dumpty egg that has been missed.
He hands the egg to Arthur.
I trust you more than I trust him, says Ray. Give this to Bunny. Tell her it's from her dad.
Alright, says Arthur, forcing the awkward package into the pocket of his shorts. I'll do it.
Thanks, says Ray. I'll put the kettle on. You all might as well stay over. It'll soon be morning.
That was good, Ray, says Rossco. All that chocolate. How come you had so much?
Bunny, says Ray Moon, sadly.
No need to rub it in, says Sweezus.
I mean Bunny, says Ray. I bought it all for Bunny.
But Bunny isn't here, says Sweezus.
No, you ate it, says Gastro, nodding sagely.
Shut up, Gastro, says Rossco. You mean your daughter, Ray?
Yes, sighs Ray. My daughter Bunny. I buy her a golden chocolate bunny every Easter. A bunny for my Bunny.
That's lame, says Arthur. Does that make up for locking her in her bedroom?
Ray! says Rossco. Don't tell me you do that?
A father has responsibilities, says Ray.
Too right, says Gastro.
There is a moment's silence, while the others measure their own father against Ray.
If there's any more chocolate, says Sweezus, we could take some back for Bunny.
Would you do that? says Ray. I'll have a look.
Yeah, says Sweezus. We're going back tomorrow.
Ray looks inside his fridge, and finds a Humpty Dumpty egg that has been missed.
He hands the egg to Arthur.
I trust you more than I trust him, says Ray. Give this to Bunny. Tell her it's from her dad.
Alright, says Arthur, forcing the awkward package into the pocket of his shorts. I'll do it.
Thanks, says Ray. I'll put the kettle on. You all might as well stay over. It'll soon be morning.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
A Midnight Feast
We missed the action, says Arthur, looking disappointed.
That's good, says Sweezus. Nothing we could do.
We could have fought him, says Arthur. I know where his knives are.
You didn't need rescuing, did you, says Sweezus.
No, says Arthur, kicking at the door.
They go into the kitchen, where Gastro is starting to come round.
Wa' happened? moans Gastro.
You slipped on a slug, says Rossco. And a piece of slimy lettuce. Help him up, you chaps.
What happened to Ray? asks Sweezus. Why's he slumped back on the chair?
Nothing wrong with Ray that can't be fixed by Sacred Healing, says Rossco. Is there, Ray?
I thought those two had gone, says Ray.
We have, says Arthur. But we need a comb and Sweezus needs his luggage.
Luggage! says Sweezus. It's a back pack.
Back pack, luggage, says Arthur. What's it matter?
There's a difference, says Gastro. I wouldn't be seen dead with either.
Who needs a comb? asks Ray.
The young one, says Gastro. He needs it for the nits.
Nits! says Ray. So that's what's wrong with him!
You fundamentalists, says Rossco. You always think the worst.
You should have seen him, says Ray. He looked like a cockroach when he knocked on my door.
Ha ha ! laughed Rossco. A cockroach! And I hear they nicked your Bunny.
Ray looks forlorn.
Sorry about that, say Sweezus. I was hungry.
Speaking of which, says Gastro. Is there anything to eat?
Help yourselves, says Ray. There's chocolate, not as much as there was, ..... and some cans of fish.
That's good, says Sweezus. Nothing we could do.
We could have fought him, says Arthur. I know where his knives are.
You didn't need rescuing, did you, says Sweezus.
No, says Arthur, kicking at the door.
They go into the kitchen, where Gastro is starting to come round.
Wa' happened? moans Gastro.
You slipped on a slug, says Rossco. And a piece of slimy lettuce. Help him up, you chaps.
What happened to Ray? asks Sweezus. Why's he slumped back on the chair?
Nothing wrong with Ray that can't be fixed by Sacred Healing, says Rossco. Is there, Ray?
I thought those two had gone, says Ray.
We have, says Arthur. But we need a comb and Sweezus needs his luggage.
Luggage! says Sweezus. It's a back pack.
Back pack, luggage, says Arthur. What's it matter?
There's a difference, says Gastro. I wouldn't be seen dead with either.
Who needs a comb? asks Ray.
The young one, says Gastro. He needs it for the nits.
Nits! says Ray. So that's what's wrong with him!
You fundamentalists, says Rossco. You always think the worst.
You should have seen him, says Ray. He looked like a cockroach when he knocked on my door.
Ha ha ! laughed Rossco. A cockroach! And I hear they nicked your Bunny.
Ray looks forlorn.
Sorry about that, say Sweezus. I was hungry.
Speaking of which, says Gastro. Is there anything to eat?
Help yourselves, says Ray. There's chocolate, not as much as there was, ..... and some cans of fish.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Fear of Cross Contamination
It's Rossco from the Sacred Gardens, and his raiding party, a homeless man called Gastro.
Thought we'd find you here, says Rossco. I've brought reinforcements. Ready to advance?
Advance where? says Sweezus.
To the rescue, says Rossco. My chap is ready.
I've rescued Arthur, says Sweezus. This is him.
What's happened to his hair? says Rossco.
Bet I know, says Gastro. I smell KP24.
Apparently I need a comb, says Arthur. I have to comb out all the eggs.
Good luck with that, grins Gastro.
What? says Arthur. Is it difficult?
Too right, says Gastro feelingly.
Got a comb, Rossco? says Sweezus.
Of course I've got a comb, says Rossco. But he's not having it. Cross contamination. I've got a concert on tomorrow night.
The Golden Voice of Penrith, says Gastro. That's Rossco.
Tell you what, says Rossco. Ray Moon'll have a comb.
Yeah, but we can't go back in, says Sweezus. We've just escaped. And there's another complication. We stole his chocolate bunny.
What's that? says Rossco. You stole his Bunny? Ah ha ha ha ha! Don't worry. I'll go in.
Cool, says Sweezus, If you guys are going in, would you pick up my stuff? It's in a Rip Curl back pack. My phone's in there.
Rossco and Gastro march up to the kitchen door. Rossco raps loudly.
Ray Moon comes to the door.
They go inside.
Don't forget the comb! shouts Arthur. Ach! Too late! I bet they don't remember. I'm going back in.
He advances to the kitchen door.
Sweezus follows him, preventing him from knocking
Look in the window first, says Sweezus.
They peek in, and see an unexpected sight.
Ray Moon is slumped in a kitchen chair in front of Rossco. Gastro is lying flat out on the kitchen floor.
Thought we'd find you here, says Rossco. I've brought reinforcements. Ready to advance?
Advance where? says Sweezus.
To the rescue, says Rossco. My chap is ready.
I've rescued Arthur, says Sweezus. This is him.
What's happened to his hair? says Rossco.
Bet I know, says Gastro. I smell KP24.
Apparently I need a comb, says Arthur. I have to comb out all the eggs.
Good luck with that, grins Gastro.
What? says Arthur. Is it difficult?
Too right, says Gastro feelingly.
Got a comb, Rossco? says Sweezus.
Of course I've got a comb, says Rossco. But he's not having it. Cross contamination. I've got a concert on tomorrow night.
The Golden Voice of Penrith, says Gastro. That's Rossco.
Tell you what, says Rossco. Ray Moon'll have a comb.
Yeah, but we can't go back in, says Sweezus. We've just escaped. And there's another complication. We stole his chocolate bunny.
What's that? says Rossco. You stole his Bunny? Ah ha ha ha ha! Don't worry. I'll go in.
Cool, says Sweezus, If you guys are going in, would you pick up my stuff? It's in a Rip Curl back pack. My phone's in there.
Rossco and Gastro march up to the kitchen door. Rossco raps loudly.
Ray Moon comes to the door.
They go inside.
Don't forget the comb! shouts Arthur. Ach! Too late! I bet they don't remember. I'm going back in.
He advances to the kitchen door.
Sweezus follows him, preventing him from knocking
Look in the window first, says Sweezus.
They peek in, and see an unexpected sight.
Ray Moon is slumped in a kitchen chair in front of Rossco. Gastro is lying flat out on the kitchen floor.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Creatures In The Night Garden
Bang! Click.
It is not Ray Moon shooting at them with a gun. It is Ray Moon slamming the kitchen door and locking it.
He goes to the fridge. Opens it. Sees his golden chocolate bunny has been stolen.
He collapses on the kitchen floor and weeps.
It may be some time before we discover why.
.............
Sweezus and Arthur are in Ray Moon's back garden. Possums are breathing loudly. Nocturnal mice are scuffling under leaves. The moon shines down on Arthur's lime green shower cap.
Take it off, says Sweezus. It's shining like a beacon. And anyway the half hour is up.
Arthur takes off the lime green shower cap, revealing corkscrew tangles.
It feels better already, says Arthur. What happens now?
We're supposed to rinse it off, says Sweezus.
There's a hose, says Arthur, pointing to a hose curled up beneath the garden tap.
Sweezus goes over to the hose.
Ssss! The hose rears up and hisses, then slithers off into a pile of leaves.
Freak me out! says Sweezus. I hate the country. Come here Arthur. Stick your head under the tap.
......
The shampoo is rinsed off but Arthur's hair needs combing.
Don't suppose you've got a comb, says Sweezus.
Arthur feels inside his pockets. No.
But you've got one, says Arthur.
Yeah but my stuff is in the house, says Sweezus. And I'm not going back in.
Maybe it doesn't need combing, says Arthur.
It does, says Sweezus. You have to comb out all the eggs.
.......
The night is going on and on. Sweezus and Arthur are sitting on Ray's favourite garden seat under a tree. There is a smell of drying hair, and evaporating KP24.
Moon's nearly full, says Arthur, looking at the moon.
Somehow this reminds Sweezus of the looted chocolate bunny. He takes it out of his shorts pocket, and breaks off a piece to share with Arthur.
We have to think about going home, says Sweezus.
What? says Arthur. What home?
Adelaide, says Sweezus. Belle et Bonne and Marie will be back in time for Easter. I promised Belle I'd bring you home. There'll be presents, from Paris. One for you, and one for me.
They lean back on the garden seat and dream of presents.
.........
Suddenly a powerful torch light floods the garden, accompanied by the sound of heavy booted feet.
It is not Ray Moon shooting at them with a gun. It is Ray Moon slamming the kitchen door and locking it.
He goes to the fridge. Opens it. Sees his golden chocolate bunny has been stolen.
He collapses on the kitchen floor and weeps.
It may be some time before we discover why.
.............
Sweezus and Arthur are in Ray Moon's back garden. Possums are breathing loudly. Nocturnal mice are scuffling under leaves. The moon shines down on Arthur's lime green shower cap.
Take it off, says Sweezus. It's shining like a beacon. And anyway the half hour is up.
Arthur takes off the lime green shower cap, revealing corkscrew tangles.
It feels better already, says Arthur. What happens now?
We're supposed to rinse it off, says Sweezus.
There's a hose, says Arthur, pointing to a hose curled up beneath the garden tap.
Sweezus goes over to the hose.
Ssss! The hose rears up and hisses, then slithers off into a pile of leaves.
Freak me out! says Sweezus. I hate the country. Come here Arthur. Stick your head under the tap.
......
The shampoo is rinsed off but Arthur's hair needs combing.
Don't suppose you've got a comb, says Sweezus.
Arthur feels inside his pockets. No.
But you've got one, says Arthur.
Yeah but my stuff is in the house, says Sweezus. And I'm not going back in.
Maybe it doesn't need combing, says Arthur.
It does, says Sweezus. You have to comb out all the eggs.
.......
The night is going on and on. Sweezus and Arthur are sitting on Ray's favourite garden seat under a tree. There is a smell of drying hair, and evaporating KP24.
Moon's nearly full, says Arthur, looking at the moon.
Somehow this reminds Sweezus of the looted chocolate bunny. He takes it out of his shorts pocket, and breaks off a piece to share with Arthur.
We have to think about going home, says Sweezus.
What? says Arthur. What home?
Adelaide, says Sweezus. Belle et Bonne and Marie will be back in time for Easter. I promised Belle I'd bring you home. There'll be presents, from Paris. One for you, and one for me.
They lean back on the garden seat and dream of presents.
.........
Suddenly a powerful torch light floods the garden, accompanied by the sound of heavy booted feet.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Picked Off One By One
The KP24 foam is in Arthur's hair. The lime green plastic shower cap is on. Now Arthur has to wait for half an hour.
Tick, tock.
Pastor Moon is moaning in the bedroom.
Urrrr, urrrr!
The tiny lice are dying one by one.
Blip, blip, blip.
Sweezus's tummy growls again.
Let's go downstairs and raid the fridge, says Arthur.
They go downstairs and into Ray Moon's kitchen.
The fridge is crammed with chocolate and on the top shelf in a corner there are several cans of fish.
Chocolate! says Sweezus. Awesome!
You should eat the fish, says Arthur. It isn't Easter yet. And look! There's even lettuce in the crisper.
Sweezus examines the lettuce, as if he might just choose it..
He spies a half dead slug.
That does it. He picks up a golden chocolate bunny.
I can't handle Easter, says Sweezus, peeling back the golden foil, and biting into the thick chocolate at the top of one of the ears.
Why not? says Arthur. Oh.
Yeah, says Sweezus.
Chomp, chomp.
Tick, tock.
Blip. Blip. Blip.
Is it half an hour yet? says Arthur. When can I take this cap off?
Creak, creak. They hear Ray Moon coming down the stairs.
Shit! says Sweezus. Let's make a run for it!
They dash through the kitchen door and into Ray's back garden.
Hrrrrrr! Is that a possum?
Bang! Is that Ray Moon shooting at them with a gun?
Tick, tock.
Pastor Moon is moaning in the bedroom.
Urrrr, urrrr!
The tiny lice are dying one by one.
Blip, blip, blip.
Sweezus's tummy growls again.
Let's go downstairs and raid the fridge, says Arthur.
They go downstairs and into Ray Moon's kitchen.
The fridge is crammed with chocolate and on the top shelf in a corner there are several cans of fish.
Chocolate! says Sweezus. Awesome!
You should eat the fish, says Arthur. It isn't Easter yet. And look! There's even lettuce in the crisper.
Sweezus examines the lettuce, as if he might just choose it..
He spies a half dead slug.
That does it. He picks up a golden chocolate bunny.
I can't handle Easter, says Sweezus, peeling back the golden foil, and biting into the thick chocolate at the top of one of the ears.
Why not? says Arthur. Oh.
Yeah, says Sweezus.
Chomp, chomp.
Tick, tock.
Blip. Blip. Blip.
Is it half an hour yet? says Arthur. When can I take this cap off?
Creak, creak. They hear Ray Moon coming down the stairs.
Shit! says Sweezus. Let's make a run for it!
They dash through the kitchen door and into Ray's back garden.
Hrrrrrr! Is that a possum?
Bang! Is that Ray Moon shooting at them with a gun?
Saturday, March 23, 2013
The Solution To Demonic Possession
Now look what you've done, says Arthur.
Pastor Moon is writhing on the floor.
It wasn't me, says Sweezus.
Well it wasn't me, says Arthur. But I feel much better now. Let's go.
What about him? says Sweezus.
I don't know, says Arthur. You could call Bunny.
Can't, says Sweezus. Battery's gone flat. Let's get him a drink of water.
He tries to open the bedroom door but it is locked.
Arthur kicks the door. It doesn't open, but his knee hurts now.
Now my knee hurts, says Arthur.
He sits down on the bed and rubs his knee. Then he starts to scratch his head.
You keep scratching your head, says Sweezus. What's the matter?
It itches, says Arthur. It's been itchy for days now.
DEPART! roars Pastor Moon, from below them on the carpet.
We need to get access to the bathroom, says Sweezus, bending down and shaking Pastor Moon.
BEELZEBUB! froths Pastor Moon. I COMMAND YOU.....
Where's the key? says Sweezus. WHERE'S THE KEY?
BEGIN TO WORSHIP GOD! shouts Pastor Moon.
That's number ten, says Arthur. He's regressing.
The key must be in his pocket, says Sweezus. Here, I'll hold him still while you put your hand in.
Arthur feels in Pastor Moon's pocket, and grasps the key.
They are free at last. They exit to the bathroom.
Sweezus opens the medicine cabinet. He is hoping to find some medicated shampoo, or a treatment specifically for the removal of head lice.
What luck! On the top shelf is a green shower cap and a half full bottle of KP24.
Pastor Moon is writhing on the floor.
It wasn't me, says Sweezus.
Well it wasn't me, says Arthur. But I feel much better now. Let's go.
What about him? says Sweezus.
I don't know, says Arthur. You could call Bunny.
Can't, says Sweezus. Battery's gone flat. Let's get him a drink of water.
He tries to open the bedroom door but it is locked.
Arthur kicks the door. It doesn't open, but his knee hurts now.
Now my knee hurts, says Arthur.
He sits down on the bed and rubs his knee. Then he starts to scratch his head.
You keep scratching your head, says Sweezus. What's the matter?
It itches, says Arthur. It's been itchy for days now.
DEPART! roars Pastor Moon, from below them on the carpet.
We need to get access to the bathroom, says Sweezus, bending down and shaking Pastor Moon.
BEELZEBUB! froths Pastor Moon. I COMMAND YOU.....
Where's the key? says Sweezus. WHERE'S THE KEY?
BEGIN TO WORSHIP GOD! shouts Pastor Moon.
That's number ten, says Arthur. He's regressing.
The key must be in his pocket, says Sweezus. Here, I'll hold him still while you put your hand in.
Arthur feels in Pastor Moon's pocket, and grasps the key.
They are free at last. They exit to the bathroom.
Sweezus opens the medicine cabinet. He is hoping to find some medicated shampoo, or a treatment specifically for the removal of head lice.
What luck! On the top shelf is a green shower cap and a half full bottle of KP24.
In A Young Girl's Bedroom
They enter Arthur's bedroom, which once was Bunny's. There are posters of Justin Bieber on the wall, a Twilight duvet cover, and a heart shaped bedside light.
Do I have to hold this? says Sweezus, waving the crucifix.
Yes, says Pastor Moon. Now Arthur, where were we?
Number thirteen? says Arthur.
Thirteen! says Sweezus. How many of them are there?
Fifteen, says Pastor Moon. Be silent please.
Sweezus sits down on the Twilight duvet.
Arthur stands in the middle of the room. He scratches at his head. He rubs his knee..
Pastor Moon consults his list of exorcism instructions.
Errm...... wait, says Pastor Moon. We might skip that one. We'll go straight to number fourteen.
No, says Arthur. I want number thirteen. What is it?
Never mind, says Pastor Moon. It's inappropriate in the circumstances.
He screws up the instructions and throws them in the wastepaper bin.
Sweezus leans forward, takes them out and smoothes the paper.
Number thirteen, reads Sweezus, Encourage the victim to give his life to Jesus. Wicked!
Let me see, says Arthur. Yes that's what it says. What's wrong with that?
You are not going anywhere with him until we're finished, says Pastor Moon. Now... what's number fourteen?..... give me back that list.
He grabs the list from Sweezus.
Aha! says Pastor Moon, frowning at the list. There are many entry points that give demons the legal right to enter. False pride, sex outside marriage, materialism, violent martial arts......
Violent martial arts! says Sweezus. That can't be right. I practice tae-kwon-do.
His tummy growls demonically. Embarrassing.
I KNEW IT! thunders Pastor Moon. You are possessed as well. We must start again at number one with you. STAND UP!
Sweezus is not happy. Things are getting mental. He only came up here to witness Arthur's revolving head because he thought it would be funny.
He flings the crucifix into the waste bin, and heads towards the door.
Oh no you don't! says Pastor Moon. I COMMAND YOU IN THE NAME OF......no no, not YOU! Be SILENT and .....DAMNATION!
He falls to the fluffy carpet, foaming at the mouth.
Do I have to hold this? says Sweezus, waving the crucifix.
Yes, says Pastor Moon. Now Arthur, where were we?
Number thirteen? says Arthur.
Thirteen! says Sweezus. How many of them are there?
Fifteen, says Pastor Moon. Be silent please.
Sweezus sits down on the Twilight duvet.
Arthur stands in the middle of the room. He scratches at his head. He rubs his knee..
Pastor Moon consults his list of exorcism instructions.
Errm...... wait, says Pastor Moon. We might skip that one. We'll go straight to number fourteen.
No, says Arthur. I want number thirteen. What is it?
Never mind, says Pastor Moon. It's inappropriate in the circumstances.
He screws up the instructions and throws them in the wastepaper bin.
Sweezus leans forward, takes them out and smoothes the paper.
Number thirteen, reads Sweezus, Encourage the victim to give his life to Jesus. Wicked!
Let me see, says Arthur. Yes that's what it says. What's wrong with that?
You are not going anywhere with him until we're finished, says Pastor Moon. Now... what's number fourteen?..... give me back that list.
He grabs the list from Sweezus.
Aha! says Pastor Moon, frowning at the list. There are many entry points that give demons the legal right to enter. False pride, sex outside marriage, materialism, violent martial arts......
Violent martial arts! says Sweezus. That can't be right. I practice tae-kwon-do.
His tummy growls demonically. Embarrassing.
I KNEW IT! thunders Pastor Moon. You are possessed as well. We must start again at number one with you. STAND UP!
Sweezus is not happy. Things are getting mental. He only came up here to witness Arthur's revolving head because he thought it would be funny.
He flings the crucifix into the waste bin, and heads towards the door.
Oh no you don't! says Pastor Moon. I COMMAND YOU IN THE NAME OF......no no, not YOU! Be SILENT and .....DAMNATION!
He falls to the fluffy carpet, foaming at the mouth.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Three Ancient Dead Babies
What are you doing here? says Pastor Moon, to Sweezus.
Come to rescue Arthur. But I want to watch the incantations and head spinning, says Sweezus. When do they start?
Not till this program's over, says Pastor Moon. I always watch it.
What is it? says Sweezus. History Cold Case? Oh yeah. I like that Doctor Xanthe. Specially now she's blonde.
Sweezus sits down on a settee to watch the end of Cold Case. Arthur sits down too.
Professor Susan has just finished explaining how the bones of the three babies came to be so strangely placed around their mother.
Then Doctor Caroline will reveal the mother's face.
This'll be cool, says Sweezus.
It will not be cool, says Pastor Moon. This is a sad sad story. Please have some respect.
Sheesh, says Sweezus. Sorr-ee!. You're the one who's eating Cheetos. How about handing them around?
Be quiet! says Pastor Moon. You are a guest here. If I decide to offer Cheetos, it's up to me.
Sweezus looks at Arthur for support, but Arthur does not like Cheetos, and has had his dinner. Sweezus has eaten nothing but tiny chocolate animals since lunchtime. His tummy growls.
At last the program ends. The mother is revealed in all her pathos. The babies were expelled from her dead womb by noxious gases.
Arthur winces.
Gross! says Sweezus. Like we needed to know THAT!
You are a crass young man, says Pastor Moon. I find myself teetering on the verge of a crisis of faith.
So, do the exorcism, says Sweezus. Then Arthur and me can go.
I, says Arthur, absently.
Good man, says Sweezus. See! He wants to come.
I meant I, says Arthur. As opposed to we. I hate bad grammar.
There you are, says Pastor Moon. I'm making headway.
He turns off the television. Pfft.
Now, says Pastor Moon, handing out the crucifixes. I want you both to empty your minds of those dead babies, and follow me upstairs.
Come to rescue Arthur. But I want to watch the incantations and head spinning, says Sweezus. When do they start?
Not till this program's over, says Pastor Moon. I always watch it.
What is it? says Sweezus. History Cold Case? Oh yeah. I like that Doctor Xanthe. Specially now she's blonde.
Sweezus sits down on a settee to watch the end of Cold Case. Arthur sits down too.
Professor Susan has just finished explaining how the bones of the three babies came to be so strangely placed around their mother.
Then Doctor Caroline will reveal the mother's face.
This'll be cool, says Sweezus.
It will not be cool, says Pastor Moon. This is a sad sad story. Please have some respect.
Sheesh, says Sweezus. Sorr-ee!. You're the one who's eating Cheetos. How about handing them around?
Be quiet! says Pastor Moon. You are a guest here. If I decide to offer Cheetos, it's up to me.
Sweezus looks at Arthur for support, but Arthur does not like Cheetos, and has had his dinner. Sweezus has eaten nothing but tiny chocolate animals since lunchtime. His tummy growls.
At last the program ends. The mother is revealed in all her pathos. The babies were expelled from her dead womb by noxious gases.
Arthur winces.
Gross! says Sweezus. Like we needed to know THAT!
You are a crass young man, says Pastor Moon. I find myself teetering on the verge of a crisis of faith.
So, do the exorcism, says Sweezus. Then Arthur and me can go.
I, says Arthur, absently.
Good man, says Sweezus. See! He wants to come.
I meant I, says Arthur. As opposed to we. I hate bad grammar.
There you are, says Pastor Moon. I'm making headway.
He turns off the television. Pfft.
Now, says Pastor Moon, handing out the crucifixes. I want you both to empty your minds of those dead babies, and follow me upstairs.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Oh Lord It's You!
End of the road, last house before the forest. It is dark. A dog barks.
Sweezus sees a bluish light glowing from a downstairs room. He creeps up to the window. Pastor Moon is in his rumpus room watching television. It looks like History Cold Case. On the screen Sweezus sees a table spread with children's bones.
Sweezus steps back several paces. Arthur must be upstairs. He picks up a handful of gravel and throws it against a likely window.
Arthur's face appears, pale, with glittering eyes. He stares at Sweezus as though he doesn't know him.
Sweezus mouths the words 'Open the window!'
Creak, creak, the window opens slowly. Arthur's head looks out.
Arthur, whispers Sweezus loudly. Can you come down?
Arthur scratches his head in an agitated fashion, then slowly shakes his head.
Yeah, you can, says Sweezus. Don't be such a dick!
Alright, says Arthur. Wait a minute.
He closes the window and reappears at the front door.
Sweezus! says Arthur. It's you! I thought you were a burglar.
As if, says Sweezus. I've come to rescue you.
From what? says Arthur.
From whatever, says Sweezus. If I don't bring you back, Belle et Bonne will go ballistic.
Bad luck, says Arthur. I like it here. Every night we do incantations. And my head turns round and round.
No WAY! says Sweezus. That's totally awesome. Have you done it tonight?
Not yet, says Arthur. Want to come and watch?
Sweezus does. He goes inside with Arthur. They enter the rumpus room.
Oh Lord! It's YOU! says Pastor Moon, stumbling awkwardly out of his recliner armchair.
Sweezus sees a bluish light glowing from a downstairs room. He creeps up to the window. Pastor Moon is in his rumpus room watching television. It looks like History Cold Case. On the screen Sweezus sees a table spread with children's bones.
Sweezus steps back several paces. Arthur must be upstairs. He picks up a handful of gravel and throws it against a likely window.
Arthur's face appears, pale, with glittering eyes. He stares at Sweezus as though he doesn't know him.
Sweezus mouths the words 'Open the window!'
Creak, creak, the window opens slowly. Arthur's head looks out.
Arthur, whispers Sweezus loudly. Can you come down?
Arthur scratches his head in an agitated fashion, then slowly shakes his head.
Yeah, you can, says Sweezus. Don't be such a dick!
Alright, says Arthur. Wait a minute.
He closes the window and reappears at the front door.
Sweezus! says Arthur. It's you! I thought you were a burglar.
As if, says Sweezus. I've come to rescue you.
From what? says Arthur.
From whatever, says Sweezus. If I don't bring you back, Belle et Bonne will go ballistic.
Bad luck, says Arthur. I like it here. Every night we do incantations. And my head turns round and round.
No WAY! says Sweezus. That's totally awesome. Have you done it tonight?
Not yet, says Arthur. Want to come and watch?
Sweezus does. He goes inside with Arthur. They enter the rumpus room.
Oh Lord! It's YOU! says Pastor Moon, stumbling awkwardly out of his recliner armchair.
The Rubbish One
Sweezus gets off the train at Emu Plains. Now all he has to do is get to Blaxland. It's quite a walk. He passes a field of cows, and then McDonald's. Now he just has to get up the hill.
It's quite a hill. These are the Lower Blue Mountains. Steep with hairpin bends. By the time he reaches the top he has eaten all the chocolate in one of the packages. And he has a new dilemma.
He's lost Pastor Moon's address. But the children's address is on their Easter package, written in black pen by Mrs Hume.
It is dusk when he arrives at their house, and rings the doorbell.
Daddy! cries Fish, running to open the door.
It isn't Daddy. It is Sweezus, bearing packages.
Hello! says Sweezus. You must be Fish. Is Mummy home?
Mummy comes to the door, with a frying pan.
Hello, says Mummy. Can I help you?
I'm Arthur's friend, says Sweezus. I've brought some Easter presents for the children. From Mrs Hume.
Ah yes, says Mummy. She phoned and said you would be coming. Butterfly! Come and see what grandma's sent you!
Butterfly and Fish stare at the packages. One prettily wrapped, the other torn.
Which one's mine, says Butterfly?
This one, says Sweezus, handing her the good one.
Fish bursts into tears.
It's for you as well, says Sweezus quickly. This one's a rubbish one. For the bin.
Grandma wouldn't send a rubbish one, says Butterfly.
Alright, says Sweezus. I ate some of the chocolate. Sorry. You guys will have to share.
The children disappear upstairs with the package. Mummy shakes her head.
There'll be trouble, she says. Come in, we're having sausages.
No thanks, says Sweezus, I have to rescue Arthur. He's at Pastor Moon's. Do you know where he lives?
Last house before the forest, says Mummy. He's a strange man that one. But I wouldn't worry too much about Arthur. He likes it there.
No kidding? says Sweezus. How do you......?
But the door has shut before him, cutting off the sound of children fighting, somewhere upstairs.
It's quite a hill. These are the Lower Blue Mountains. Steep with hairpin bends. By the time he reaches the top he has eaten all the chocolate in one of the packages. And he has a new dilemma.
He's lost Pastor Moon's address. But the children's address is on their Easter package, written in black pen by Mrs Hume.
It is dusk when he arrives at their house, and rings the doorbell.
Daddy! cries Fish, running to open the door.
It isn't Daddy. It is Sweezus, bearing packages.
Hello! says Sweezus. You must be Fish. Is Mummy home?
Mummy comes to the door, with a frying pan.
Hello, says Mummy. Can I help you?
I'm Arthur's friend, says Sweezus. I've brought some Easter presents for the children. From Mrs Hume.
Ah yes, says Mummy. She phoned and said you would be coming. Butterfly! Come and see what grandma's sent you!
Butterfly and Fish stare at the packages. One prettily wrapped, the other torn.
Which one's mine, says Butterfly?
This one, says Sweezus, handing her the good one.
Fish bursts into tears.
It's for you as well, says Sweezus quickly. This one's a rubbish one. For the bin.
Grandma wouldn't send a rubbish one, says Butterfly.
Alright, says Sweezus. I ate some of the chocolate. Sorry. You guys will have to share.
The children disappear upstairs with the package. Mummy shakes her head.
There'll be trouble, she says. Come in, we're having sausages.
No thanks, says Sweezus, I have to rescue Arthur. He's at Pastor Moon's. Do you know where he lives?
Last house before the forest, says Mummy. He's a strange man that one. But I wouldn't worry too much about Arthur. He likes it there.
No kidding? says Sweezus. How do you......?
But the door has shut before him, cutting off the sound of children fighting, somewhere upstairs.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Call Me If You Need A Raiding Party
Sweezus is on his way to Blaxland. Mrs Hume has kindly paid his fare.
He gets off the plane in Sydney, and takes the train to Sydney Central, where he changes to the train for Emu Plains.
It's a tatty train, half full of commuters, going home. A man sits down beside him, and begins to hum.
Sweezus opens up his backpack, to look for chocolate.
He has finished all the chocolate Bunny gave him. But there are two prettily wrapped Easter packages that Mrs Hume has asked him to deliver to the children.
He pulls out the first one and starts picking it undone.
I wouldn't do that, says the man beside him. They look like presents.
Whoa! says Sweezus, stopping. Yeah, you're right.
Name's Rossco, says the man. They call me Mr Penrith.
Awesome, says Sweezus. Why?
Founder of the Sacred Gardens Healing Centre, says Rossco. Volunteer award. General all round helper of the homeless. You?
Jesus, says Sweezus. But I prefer Sweezus. It's way cooler.
Jesus, that's a good one, says Rossco. Ha ha ha! What's in those presents? Chocolate? Like to make a small donation to the poor?
No way, says Sweezus. I'm on a budget. Hey, do you know Pastor Moon?
Ray Moon! Who doesn't? says Rossco. You'd best steer clear of him.
Can't, says Sweezus. He's kidnapped my friend Arthur. I'm here to rescue him and take him home.
Rossco looks excited.
Here's my card, says Rossco. Call me if you need a raiding party. That Ray Moon has kidnapped folks before. And if you feel a need of psychic healing, reiki, meditation, aromatherapy, dream interpretation, spiritual development, anything at all, just drop by the Sacred Gardens and we can fix you up. This is my stop. Don't forget now. Good to meet you, Sweezus. Jesus, ha ha ha!
Rossco gets off the train.
Sweezus thoughtfully contemplates the wrapped Easter presents. They must be chocolate, what else would Mrs Hume send the children?
He carefully unwraps the first one. It's a chocolate beetle.
And nobody is watching Sweezus now.
He gets off the plane in Sydney, and takes the train to Sydney Central, where he changes to the train for Emu Plains.
It's a tatty train, half full of commuters, going home. A man sits down beside him, and begins to hum.
Sweezus opens up his backpack, to look for chocolate.
He has finished all the chocolate Bunny gave him. But there are two prettily wrapped Easter packages that Mrs Hume has asked him to deliver to the children.
He pulls out the first one and starts picking it undone.
I wouldn't do that, says the man beside him. They look like presents.
Whoa! says Sweezus, stopping. Yeah, you're right.
Name's Rossco, says the man. They call me Mr Penrith.
Awesome, says Sweezus. Why?
Founder of the Sacred Gardens Healing Centre, says Rossco. Volunteer award. General all round helper of the homeless. You?
Jesus, says Sweezus. But I prefer Sweezus. It's way cooler.
Jesus, that's a good one, says Rossco. Ha ha ha! What's in those presents? Chocolate? Like to make a small donation to the poor?
No way, says Sweezus. I'm on a budget. Hey, do you know Pastor Moon?
Ray Moon! Who doesn't? says Rossco. You'd best steer clear of him.
Can't, says Sweezus. He's kidnapped my friend Arthur. I'm here to rescue him and take him home.
Rossco looks excited.
Here's my card, says Rossco. Call me if you need a raiding party. That Ray Moon has kidnapped folks before. And if you feel a need of psychic healing, reiki, meditation, aromatherapy, dream interpretation, spiritual development, anything at all, just drop by the Sacred Gardens and we can fix you up. This is my stop. Don't forget now. Good to meet you, Sweezus. Jesus, ha ha ha!
Rossco gets off the train.
Sweezus thoughtfully contemplates the wrapped Easter presents. They must be chocolate, what else would Mrs Hume send the children?
He carefully unwraps the first one. It's a chocolate beetle.
And nobody is watching Sweezus now.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Stuff To Do Before Easter
Mrs Hume is in the office chatting to Sweezus and Bunny when David and The VeloDrone come in late the next morning.
Here you are! says Mrs Hume. Come in to do some work?
David flops into a chair.
I hope there is no need, says Vello. Sweezus and Bunny have been busy, I suppose.
Yes Mr Drone, says Bunny. We're negotiating to get Banksy.
Very good, says Vello. Does this Banksy ride a bicycle?
Probably, says Sweezus, who admires Banksy. To get from one wall to another, and to different bridges.
Banksy... says Vello. The name is familiar. Well, well, carry on.
The phone rings. It is Belle et Bonne, from Paris.
Belle! says Vello. My dear! When are you coming home?
We'll be back for Easter, says Belle et Bonne. Marie and I can't wait to see you, papa. We've bought you a lovely present. And one for David, one for Sweezie, one for Bunny, and one for Arthur.....
Arthur? says The VeloDrone. Don't bother about Arthur.
What? says Belle et Bonne. Why not?
Ask Katherine, says Vello, handing Mrs Hume the phone.
Belle! says Mrs Hume. Arthur is in Blaxland being exorcised. Don't worry, he'll be alright.
Good gracious! says Belle et Bonne. Let me speak to Sweezus.
Katherine hands the phone to Sweezus.
What is it, Belle? says Sweezus. I mean, hi, Belle, hi!
Hi! says Belle et Bonne. What's this about Arthur? Why is he being exorcised in Blaxland?
It's Bunny's dad, says Sweezus. He's doing it.
But he's a controlling religious maniac, says Belle et Bonne. He'll have locked him up.
Yes, says Sweezus. He will have, Bunny says.
What are you doing about it? asks Belle et Bonne.
Nothing, says Sweezus. We're busy at the moment, trying to get Banksy..........
Sweezus! says Belle et Bonne. You must go up there and rescue him at once. If I get back at Easter and I don't see Arthur..... there will be no Easter present from Paris for you from me!
Chill, Belle, says Sweezus. I'm on it. I'm on my way. But hey! What's my present?
There was no answer. Belle had gone.
Here you are! says Mrs Hume. Come in to do some work?
David flops into a chair.
I hope there is no need, says Vello. Sweezus and Bunny have been busy, I suppose.
Yes Mr Drone, says Bunny. We're negotiating to get Banksy.
Very good, says Vello. Does this Banksy ride a bicycle?
Probably, says Sweezus, who admires Banksy. To get from one wall to another, and to different bridges.
Banksy... says Vello. The name is familiar. Well, well, carry on.
The phone rings. It is Belle et Bonne, from Paris.
Belle! says Vello. My dear! When are you coming home?
We'll be back for Easter, says Belle et Bonne. Marie and I can't wait to see you, papa. We've bought you a lovely present. And one for David, one for Sweezie, one for Bunny, and one for Arthur.....
Arthur? says The VeloDrone. Don't bother about Arthur.
What? says Belle et Bonne. Why not?
Ask Katherine, says Vello, handing Mrs Hume the phone.
Belle! says Mrs Hume. Arthur is in Blaxland being exorcised. Don't worry, he'll be alright.
Good gracious! says Belle et Bonne. Let me speak to Sweezus.
Katherine hands the phone to Sweezus.
What is it, Belle? says Sweezus. I mean, hi, Belle, hi!
Hi! says Belle et Bonne. What's this about Arthur? Why is he being exorcised in Blaxland?
It's Bunny's dad, says Sweezus. He's doing it.
But he's a controlling religious maniac, says Belle et Bonne. He'll have locked him up.
Yes, says Sweezus. He will have, Bunny says.
What are you doing about it? asks Belle et Bonne.
Nothing, says Sweezus. We're busy at the moment, trying to get Banksy..........
Sweezus! says Belle et Bonne. You must go up there and rescue him at once. If I get back at Easter and I don't see Arthur..... there will be no Easter present from Paris for you from me!
Chill, Belle, says Sweezus. I'm on it. I'm on my way. But hey! What's my present?
There was no answer. Belle had gone.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Immortal In The Pillow Fort
It's Saturday night. David and Vello are on the bus travelling very slowly past The Garden of Unearthly Delights.
A traffic jam! says Vello. Where's your lucky trinket when we need him?
Don't worry, says David, we can still make it.
David is right. They arrive at Format, Peel Street, on the dot of eight, and go inside. Several people are sitting around on couches. One stands up.
Hello, says Bart Fairbairn to Vello. Welcome to my show. I know your daughter.
Belle et Bonne, says Vello. Yes I know. That's why we've come.
A faraway look comes into Vello's eye. He thinks about his daughter. When is she coming home?
Get yourselves a drink and then we'll all go in, says Bart.
They buy two Solo Lemons from the grungy bar, and follow Bart through a doorway and down some stairs, along with four more people. A twenty-something couple and two youngish men. Brushing past a sheet and ducking under curtains, they arrive inside the Pillow Fort that Bart has built. His show is called The Age Of Wonder.
David and Vello sit on tyres stuffed with pillows which are not that comfy. Multicoloured sheets hang from a central point above them, and on the floor are scattered cushions, foam mattresses and a sleeping bag. Bart flicks on a reading light, sits down on a cushion, and starts talking to the six people in his fort.
He talks about childhood and forts, hamburgers, dreams, potential energy, internet dating, cheese, Harry Potter, Game of Thrones.
Vello and David are pleased that they have heard of all these things, especially Game of Thrones. Everyone chats almost naturally. One of the young men has had a dream of cheese. The other made a fort of yellow pages. Vello has read a Harry Potter, in French. David contributes some clever and relevant puns. Only the young couple are reserved, but they have laughed at everything, and once she nearly choked.
Thanks for coming, says Bart to David and Vello, when it is over. I would like to get a photo of the three of us, to show your daughter.
Click. Flash. Done. The moment is immortal.
A traffic jam! says Vello. Where's your lucky trinket when we need him?
Don't worry, says David, we can still make it.
David is right. They arrive at Format, Peel Street, on the dot of eight, and go inside. Several people are sitting around on couches. One stands up.
Hello, says Bart Fairbairn to Vello. Welcome to my show. I know your daughter.
Belle et Bonne, says Vello. Yes I know. That's why we've come.
A faraway look comes into Vello's eye. He thinks about his daughter. When is she coming home?
Get yourselves a drink and then we'll all go in, says Bart.
They buy two Solo Lemons from the grungy bar, and follow Bart through a doorway and down some stairs, along with four more people. A twenty-something couple and two youngish men. Brushing past a sheet and ducking under curtains, they arrive inside the Pillow Fort that Bart has built. His show is called The Age Of Wonder.
David and Vello sit on tyres stuffed with pillows which are not that comfy. Multicoloured sheets hang from a central point above them, and on the floor are scattered cushions, foam mattresses and a sleeping bag. Bart flicks on a reading light, sits down on a cushion, and starts talking to the six people in his fort.
He talks about childhood and forts, hamburgers, dreams, potential energy, internet dating, cheese, Harry Potter, Game of Thrones.
Vello and David are pleased that they have heard of all these things, especially Game of Thrones. Everyone chats almost naturally. One of the young men has had a dream of cheese. The other made a fort of yellow pages. Vello has read a Harry Potter, in French. David contributes some clever and relevant puns. Only the young couple are reserved, but they have laughed at everything, and once she nearly choked.
Thanks for coming, says Bart to David and Vello, when it is over. I would like to get a photo of the three of us, to show your daughter.
Click. Flash. Done. The moment is immortal.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Always Know What You Are Thinking
It is the following night. Vello and David are going to a Fringe show at the Bakehouse. David has not brought his Mayan trinket.
This show will be good, says Vello. I guarantee it.
As if you could guarantee it, says David.
So again you are a sceptic, remarks Vello. I thought you had become a new age believer.
You heard it though, said David. It knew what I was thinking.
Easiest thing in the world, says Vello. I always know what you are thinking.
What? says David. What am I thinking?
Where is everyone? says Vello.
David looks around. The foyer of the Bakehouse is deserted.
Very good, says David. You knew what I was thinking before I did. Why isn't anybody here?
We're early, says Vello. Lets order ginger beers and sit here on this comfy couch until show time.
They sit on the comfy couch and wait for others to arrive.
Soon there are twenty people, waiting in the foyer.
Welcome to Bombay to Beijing By Bicycle, says the manager. Please go to the toilet now. If you leave the theatre during the performance I can't let you back in.
David goes to the toilet. Vello finishes his drink.
They all file in. David and Vello sit in the second row. The only other people in the row are an Indian man and his daughter.
The show begins. It is written and performed by Russell. He recounts his journey from Bombay to Beijing by bicycle, a journey during which he suffers hilariously from the pains of long term bicycle riding, gastroenteritis, and malaria, wild dogs, angry monkeys and an irritating girlfriend. Russell is very talented at depicting these afflictions with nothing but a water bottle and a curtain.
Ha ha! laughs everyone but the Indian man, sitting next to Vello.
Vello laughs, Ha ha! but leaning slightly away from the man so as not to annoy him.
He wonders what it would be like to be the Indian man, whose accent, countrymen and country are being mocked, and who has brought his daughter.
The show is over. Everybody claps, including the Indian man. But the Indian man's clapping is restrained.
Russell is now going to give away some copies of the e-book of his journey, so he is going to ask some questions.
Did I really get malaria? asks Russell.
Yes, says a woman in third row.
Correct, says Russell, handing her a voucher. And did I really travel with a girl called Rachel?
Yes, says another woman.
No, says Russell, but have an e-book anyway. And did a monkey really sit on my head and cover my eyes with its testicles?
Yes, says the Indian man.
Correct, says Russell, handing him a voucher.
The man diverts the voucher to his daughter.
This show will be good, says Vello. I guarantee it.
As if you could guarantee it, says David.
So again you are a sceptic, remarks Vello. I thought you had become a new age believer.
You heard it though, said David. It knew what I was thinking.
Easiest thing in the world, says Vello. I always know what you are thinking.
What? says David. What am I thinking?
Where is everyone? says Vello.
David looks around. The foyer of the Bakehouse is deserted.
Very good, says David. You knew what I was thinking before I did. Why isn't anybody here?
We're early, says Vello. Lets order ginger beers and sit here on this comfy couch until show time.
They sit on the comfy couch and wait for others to arrive.
Soon there are twenty people, waiting in the foyer.
Welcome to Bombay to Beijing By Bicycle, says the manager. Please go to the toilet now. If you leave the theatre during the performance I can't let you back in.
David goes to the toilet. Vello finishes his drink.
They all file in. David and Vello sit in the second row. The only other people in the row are an Indian man and his daughter.
The show begins. It is written and performed by Russell. He recounts his journey from Bombay to Beijing by bicycle, a journey during which he suffers hilariously from the pains of long term bicycle riding, gastroenteritis, and malaria, wild dogs, angry monkeys and an irritating girlfriend. Russell is very talented at depicting these afflictions with nothing but a water bottle and a curtain.
Ha ha! laughs everyone but the Indian man, sitting next to Vello.
Vello laughs, Ha ha! but leaning slightly away from the man so as not to annoy him.
He wonders what it would be like to be the Indian man, whose accent, countrymen and country are being mocked, and who has brought his daughter.
The show is over. Everybody claps, including the Indian man. But the Indian man's clapping is restrained.
Russell is now going to give away some copies of the e-book of his journey, so he is going to ask some questions.
Did I really get malaria? asks Russell.
Yes, says a woman in third row.
Correct, says Russell, handing her a voucher. And did I really travel with a girl called Rachel?
Yes, says another woman.
No, says Russell, but have an e-book anyway. And did a monkey really sit on my head and cover my eyes with its testicles?
Yes, says the Indian man.
Correct, says Russell, handing him a voucher.
The man diverts the voucher to his daughter.
A Degree Of Circularity
David and Vello are having a drink in the front bar of the Austral after the show.
Stuart Black comes out with Sol Chico Cemento, and drops him on the table next to David.
Thanks, says David. Kind of you to return it. Did it say anything to you, by the way?
It granted me a wish, says Stuart Black.
Did the wish come true? says Vello.
No, says Stuart. It didn't.
Not yet, says Sol Chico Cemento.
Remarkable, says David. See Vello, this is the little trinket mother gave me.
Vello takes a closer look.
Do I remind you of anyone? asks Sol Chico Cemento.
Yes, says Vello. You remind me very much of Stuart Black.
That means you'd like to ask Stuart a question, says Sol Chico Cemento.
I already have, says Vello.
But did you get an answer? asks Sol Chico Cemento.
Yes, says Vello. What are you getting at exactly?
You have to come up with the answer. That's how I work, says Sol Chico Cemento.
I got an answer, says Vello. What I don't know is the question.
Aha! says Sol Chico Cemento. What do you think it is, the question?
Well, why don't I ask Stuart? says Vello.
No, see if you can guess, says David, who is impressed with Sol Chico Cemento.
For goodness sake! says Vello. Can I have a clue?
A clue? says Sol Chico Cemento. I don't normally give clues. Would you like to make a wish?
Ah, says Vello. Thank you for the clue. The question must be what did Stuart wish for.
And what did Stuart wish for? says Sol Chico Cemento.
Why don't I ask him? says Vello. Stuart...?
It's personal, says Stuart. Goodbye, you chaps, I'm off.
He leaves.
What did he wish for? says David, to Sol Chico Cemento.
Who do I remind you of? says Sol Chico Cemento.
David is beginning to find in his little trinket an annoying degree of circularity.
He wonders if it came with any instructions.
If only mother were here, says David.
Correct! says Sol Chico Cemento.
Stuart Black comes out with Sol Chico Cemento, and drops him on the table next to David.
Thanks, says David. Kind of you to return it. Did it say anything to you, by the way?
It granted me a wish, says Stuart Black.
Did the wish come true? says Vello.
No, says Stuart. It didn't.
Not yet, says Sol Chico Cemento.
Remarkable, says David. See Vello, this is the little trinket mother gave me.
Vello takes a closer look.
Do I remind you of anyone? asks Sol Chico Cemento.
Yes, says Vello. You remind me very much of Stuart Black.
That means you'd like to ask Stuart a question, says Sol Chico Cemento.
I already have, says Vello.
But did you get an answer? asks Sol Chico Cemento.
Yes, says Vello. What are you getting at exactly?
You have to come up with the answer. That's how I work, says Sol Chico Cemento.
I got an answer, says Vello. What I don't know is the question.
Aha! says Sol Chico Cemento. What do you think it is, the question?
Well, why don't I ask Stuart? says Vello.
No, see if you can guess, says David, who is impressed with Sol Chico Cemento.
For goodness sake! says Vello. Can I have a clue?
A clue? says Sol Chico Cemento. I don't normally give clues. Would you like to make a wish?
Ah, says Vello. Thank you for the clue. The question must be what did Stuart wish for.
And what did Stuart wish for? says Sol Chico Cemento.
Why don't I ask him? says Vello. Stuart...?
It's personal, says Stuart. Goodbye, you chaps, I'm off.
He leaves.
What did he wish for? says David, to Sol Chico Cemento.
Who do I remind you of? says Sol Chico Cemento.
David is beginning to find in his little trinket an annoying degree of circularity.
He wonders if it came with any instructions.
If only mother were here, says David.
Correct! says Sol Chico Cemento.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Motherhood and Misplaced Pubic Hair
Three people in the audience. Stuart Black bounds up onto the stage.
This need not be awkward, says Stuart Black. I shall act like every seat is filled.
His show is called No Moral Compass. His themes range though porn to witchcraft, prostitution, depression, music, suicide, motherhood and misplaced pubic hair.
It is quite funny. David laughs. Vello laughs. The third man too is laughing.
It's going rather well, in the circumstances.
At six fifteen the setting sun hits the gap between the backdrop window blind and the low backstage wall.
David is suddenly blinded, in his seat. What to do? He doesn't like to move, and upset Stuart, who may well be oversensitive to movement.
He takes Sol Chico Cemento from his pocket, and holds him up to block the light discreetly.
What's that? hisses Vello.
What's that? says Stuart Black.
Don't mind me, says Sol Chico Cemento. Carry on.
David is embarrassed. He puts Sol Chico Cemento down. He leans forward to escape the glaring sun.
Stuart Black finishes his act with a recorded song. Rod Stewart. Sailing.
The Moral Compass has been found. Be kind to others. Sail away.
Stuart Black bounces off the stage and shakes hands with all three members of the audience.
Very good, says Vello, to Stuart Black. I enjoyed it.
Thanks, says Stuart Black.
Yes, very good, says David, forgetting to pick up Sol Chico Cemento.
.........
Stuart Black walks though the empty Bunka, to retrieve his glass of water from the stage.
Fuck! says Stuart Black. That was unprofitable.
His eye is caught by Sol Chico Cemento, resting on a chair. He picks up the little Mayan sun.
Make a wish, says Sol Chico Cemento. You deserve one.
Stuart wishes that his mum was there.
This need not be awkward, says Stuart Black. I shall act like every seat is filled.
His show is called No Moral Compass. His themes range though porn to witchcraft, prostitution, depression, music, suicide, motherhood and misplaced pubic hair.
It is quite funny. David laughs. Vello laughs. The third man too is laughing.
It's going rather well, in the circumstances.
At six fifteen the setting sun hits the gap between the backdrop window blind and the low backstage wall.
David is suddenly blinded, in his seat. What to do? He doesn't like to move, and upset Stuart, who may well be oversensitive to movement.
He takes Sol Chico Cemento from his pocket, and holds him up to block the light discreetly.
What's that? hisses Vello.
What's that? says Stuart Black.
Don't mind me, says Sol Chico Cemento. Carry on.
David is embarrassed. He puts Sol Chico Cemento down. He leans forward to escape the glaring sun.
Stuart Black finishes his act with a recorded song. Rod Stewart. Sailing.
The Moral Compass has been found. Be kind to others. Sail away.
Stuart Black bounces off the stage and shakes hands with all three members of the audience.
Very good, says Vello, to Stuart Black. I enjoyed it.
Thanks, says Stuart Black.
Yes, very good, says David, forgetting to pick up Sol Chico Cemento.
.........
Stuart Black walks though the empty Bunka, to retrieve his glass of water from the stage.
Fuck! says Stuart Black. That was unprofitable.
His eye is caught by Sol Chico Cemento, resting on a chair. He picks up the little Mayan sun.
Make a wish, says Sol Chico Cemento. You deserve one.
Stuart wishes that his mum was there.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
One More For The Bunka
Present for you, David, says Mrs Hume, handing him the unwrapped Sol Chico Cemento.
From Mexico? says David. Oh how charming! I take it all went well in Blaxland? And where is Arthur?
I left him there, says Mrs Hume. On your advice, in a manner of speaking.
David looks bemused.
Mrs Hume taps Sol Chico Cemento.
Who does he remind you of? she asks.
No one, says David.
You! says Mrs Hume. Ask him something.
Who do I remind you of? says Sol Chico Cemento.
David had not expected to be addressed by a plaster souvenir. He examines it more closely.
You remind me of my mother, says David. If anyone at all.
And do you have a question for your mother? asks Sol Chico Cemento.
Why did she leave Arthur back in Blaxland? ventures David.
Why do you think? asks Sol Chico Cemento.
Knowing Arthur, it's because he didn't want to come, says David.
There you are, says Sol Chico Cemento. That's the reason.
Remarkable! says David. Must show this to Vello.
Mrs Hume does not find it remarkable, the answer not being the correct one. But she is pleased that David likes his present, so she says nothing.
Ready David? Show's at quarter to six, says Vello, entering the office.
Ready, says David, But take a look at this...
No, no, no time, says Vello. Bring it with you.
The two men hurry off to the Austral Hotel.
.......
It's hot, but the show is in the air-conditioned Bunka.
David and Vello go inside, sit down.
Where is everyone? asks David.
There is just one other person in the room.
From Mexico? says David. Oh how charming! I take it all went well in Blaxland? And where is Arthur?
I left him there, says Mrs Hume. On your advice, in a manner of speaking.
David looks bemused.
Mrs Hume taps Sol Chico Cemento.
Who does he remind you of? she asks.
No one, says David.
You! says Mrs Hume. Ask him something.
Who do I remind you of? says Sol Chico Cemento.
David had not expected to be addressed by a plaster souvenir. He examines it more closely.
You remind me of my mother, says David. If anyone at all.
And do you have a question for your mother? asks Sol Chico Cemento.
Why did she leave Arthur back in Blaxland? ventures David.
Why do you think? asks Sol Chico Cemento.
Knowing Arthur, it's because he didn't want to come, says David.
There you are, says Sol Chico Cemento. That's the reason.
Remarkable! says David. Must show this to Vello.
Mrs Hume does not find it remarkable, the answer not being the correct one. But she is pleased that David likes his present, so she says nothing.
Ready David? Show's at quarter to six, says Vello, entering the office.
Ready, says David, But take a look at this...
No, no, no time, says Vello. Bring it with you.
The two men hurry off to the Austral Hotel.
.......
It's hot, but the show is in the air-conditioned Bunka.
David and Vello go inside, sit down.
Where is everyone? asks David.
There is just one other person in the room.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Sol Chico Cemento
The Mayan sun has a face. Mrs Hume examines the face of the sun.
The eyebrows bristle. The lids are deeply etched and the eyeballs roll upwards. The nose is bulbous. The mouth is a straight line inside an oval and the cheeks suggest a degree of exasperation.
She turns it over. Under the metal hook a paper sticker reads Sol Chico Cemento. The regular price has been reduced to one dollar ninety nine.
Finished? says a grating voice.
Mrs Hume turns the Mayan sun back over.
Sorry? says Mrs Hume.
Satisfied? grumbles the sun.
Mrs Hume decides to act as though such events are normal.
No, says Mrs Hume. I wish to consult you for advice.
Who am I? says the sun. I bet you don't even know.
Sol Chico Cemento, says Mrs Hume, quick as a flash.
Where did you get that piece of information? says the sun.
On your back, says Mrs Hume. Along with your retail price, and sale price.
Caramba! says the sun. How much was I?
Originally, two dollars twenty nine, says Mrs Hume. Reduced to....
Stop! says Sol Chico Cemento. I don't want to know. What did you want to ask me?
Nothing, says Mrs Hume. If you don't know what you're worth, you won't know anything.
I will, says Sol Chico Cemento. Ask me.
Should I stay and rescue Arthur, or go home without him? says Mrs Hume.
Sol Chico Cemento stretches his mouth and deepens his crevasses.
Do I remind you of anyone? asks Sol Chico Cemento.
Mrs Hume looks hard into his face. It reminds her of a certain clever clogs philosopher.
Yes, says Mrs Hume. You remind me of my son, David.
And what would he advise? asks Sol Chico Cemento.
Consider all the options, and then act, says Mrs Hume. Or something equally obvious.
Well then, says Sol Chico Cemento.
Thank you, says Mrs Hume. I think I shall go home.
Am I coming with you? asks Sol Chico Cemento.
Mrs Hume considers all the options.
Yes, says Mrs Hume.
The eyebrows bristle. The lids are deeply etched and the eyeballs roll upwards. The nose is bulbous. The mouth is a straight line inside an oval and the cheeks suggest a degree of exasperation.
She turns it over. Under the metal hook a paper sticker reads Sol Chico Cemento. The regular price has been reduced to one dollar ninety nine.
Finished? says a grating voice.
Mrs Hume turns the Mayan sun back over.
Sorry? says Mrs Hume.
Satisfied? grumbles the sun.
Mrs Hume decides to act as though such events are normal.
No, says Mrs Hume. I wish to consult you for advice.
Who am I? says the sun. I bet you don't even know.
Sol Chico Cemento, says Mrs Hume, quick as a flash.
Where did you get that piece of information? says the sun.
On your back, says Mrs Hume. Along with your retail price, and sale price.
Caramba! says the sun. How much was I?
Originally, two dollars twenty nine, says Mrs Hume. Reduced to....
Stop! says Sol Chico Cemento. I don't want to know. What did you want to ask me?
Nothing, says Mrs Hume. If you don't know what you're worth, you won't know anything.
I will, says Sol Chico Cemento. Ask me.
Should I stay and rescue Arthur, or go home without him? says Mrs Hume.
Sol Chico Cemento stretches his mouth and deepens his crevasses.
Do I remind you of anyone? asks Sol Chico Cemento.
Mrs Hume looks hard into his face. It reminds her of a certain clever clogs philosopher.
Yes, says Mrs Hume. You remind me of my son, David.
And what would he advise? asks Sol Chico Cemento.
Consider all the options, and then act, says Mrs Hume. Or something equally obvious.
Well then, says Sol Chico Cemento.
Thank you, says Mrs Hume. I think I shall go home.
Am I coming with you? asks Sol Chico Cemento.
Mrs Hume considers all the options.
Yes, says Mrs Hume.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Good Things That Come From Mexico
It is over. Mrs Hume has hung the last load of washing on the line, including some that has been to Mexico.
Yes, the children's Mummy and Daddy have come home.
Fish has a new red polo shirt and a realistic Mexican snake. Butterfly has two grown up Mexican bracelets. One is pink and silver. The other is white.
Mrs Hume has a Mayan sun symbol made of plaster of Paris, but the best thing of all is that the week is over and nothing has gone wrong.
Except that she seems to have mislaid Arthur.
Arthur has not returned from seeing Pastor Moon.
Mrs Hume makes a phone call.
Is that you, Moon? says Mrs Hume.
Speaking, says Pastor Moon.
Have you by any chance seen Arthur? says Mrs Hume.
Who is this? says Pastor Moon.
You know very well who it is, says Mrs Hume. It's me Katherine. Where is Arthur?
Upstairs, says Pastor Moon. He's staying with me for a while. It's nothing to do with you.
Good heavens! says Mrs Hume.
Exactly! says Pastor Moon. I know that deep down you believe in it.
I do not believe in any of it, says Mrs Hume. I hope you are not attempting to do an exorcism. It is just a misunderstanding about his DNA.
Hocus pocus! says Pastor Moon.
Exactly! says Mrs Hume. I know that deep down you don't believe in it.
Pastor Moon slams down the phone. That was not what he had meant.
Mrs Hume sighs. Will she attempt to rescue Arthur, or will she go home alone?
She remembers the plaster of Paris Mayan sun, and the popularity of Mayan predictions. She takes the sun out of its wrapping, and consults the symbols, hoping to find an answer.
Yes, the children's Mummy and Daddy have come home.
Fish has a new red polo shirt and a realistic Mexican snake. Butterfly has two grown up Mexican bracelets. One is pink and silver. The other is white.
Mrs Hume has a Mayan sun symbol made of plaster of Paris, but the best thing of all is that the week is over and nothing has gone wrong.
Except that she seems to have mislaid Arthur.
Arthur has not returned from seeing Pastor Moon.
Mrs Hume makes a phone call.
Is that you, Moon? says Mrs Hume.
Speaking, says Pastor Moon.
Have you by any chance seen Arthur? says Mrs Hume.
Who is this? says Pastor Moon.
You know very well who it is, says Mrs Hume. It's me Katherine. Where is Arthur?
Upstairs, says Pastor Moon. He's staying with me for a while. It's nothing to do with you.
Good heavens! says Mrs Hume.
Exactly! says Pastor Moon. I know that deep down you believe in it.
I do not believe in any of it, says Mrs Hume. I hope you are not attempting to do an exorcism. It is just a misunderstanding about his DNA.
Hocus pocus! says Pastor Moon.
Exactly! says Mrs Hume. I know that deep down you don't believe in it.
Pastor Moon slams down the phone. That was not what he had meant.
Mrs Hume sighs. Will she attempt to rescue Arthur, or will she go home alone?
She remembers the plaster of Paris Mayan sun, and the popularity of Mayan predictions. She takes the sun out of its wrapping, and consults the symbols, hoping to find an answer.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Things To Do In Penrith
The morning rush is over. Nose blowing, milk, crunchy nut cornflakes, peanut butter toast, clean shorts, tee shirt, socks, shoes, sports uniform and trainers, lunch in lunchboxes, spare clothes, a sharing apple, show and tell toy, and today, for Butterfly, a complicated plait.
We are doing very well, Arthur, says Mrs Hume, when the children have been dropped off. Why don't you and I go for a pleasant stroll along the banks of the Nepean River until it's lunchtime?
Arthur would prefer to remain at home and swing disconsolately in the hammock, but Mrs Hume is firm.
It will do you good, Arthur, says Mrs Hume. You look a little pale.
Hard, you mean, says Arthur.
No, says Mrs Hume. Not hard. But let me see.
She pokes Arthur in several places.
Perfectly normal, says Mrs Hume. Come on, get in the car.
They drive down the winding road to Emu Plains and take the turnoff to the Penrith Regional Gallery.
Mrs Hume stops the car and they both get out and walk back the way they came beside the river.
It is hot and they are walking into the sun. The river is wide and there are small craft bobbing on it. Valuable houses sit and gloat on the other side. The path turns muddy. A man is sitting fishing. He ignores them.
It is cooler in the shade. Arthur and Mrs Hume sit down at a picnic table and gaze towards the river.
Mrs Hume sees before her an unattractive pine tree. A white bird flies overhead and a white moth flutters by. Castor oil plants, reeds, cowslips and dandelions and something that may be a tomato, or maybe not.
Arthur is fed up. He is reminded of the countryside of France. How many times has he walked beside a beautiful French river under shady trees like this, before things turned supernatural. Should he go home?
Should he get an exorcism? Should he ask Mrs Hume to drop him off at the Sacred Gardens Healing Centre in Penrith?
Shall we take the children to MacDonalds tonight, for a treat? says Mrs Hume.
Now there's an option.
We are doing very well, Arthur, says Mrs Hume, when the children have been dropped off. Why don't you and I go for a pleasant stroll along the banks of the Nepean River until it's lunchtime?
Arthur would prefer to remain at home and swing disconsolately in the hammock, but Mrs Hume is firm.
It will do you good, Arthur, says Mrs Hume. You look a little pale.
Hard, you mean, says Arthur.
No, says Mrs Hume. Not hard. But let me see.
She pokes Arthur in several places.
Perfectly normal, says Mrs Hume. Come on, get in the car.
They drive down the winding road to Emu Plains and take the turnoff to the Penrith Regional Gallery.
Mrs Hume stops the car and they both get out and walk back the way they came beside the river.
It is hot and they are walking into the sun. The river is wide and there are small craft bobbing on it. Valuable houses sit and gloat on the other side. The path turns muddy. A man is sitting fishing. He ignores them.
It is cooler in the shade. Arthur and Mrs Hume sit down at a picnic table and gaze towards the river.
Mrs Hume sees before her an unattractive pine tree. A white bird flies overhead and a white moth flutters by. Castor oil plants, reeds, cowslips and dandelions and something that may be a tomato, or maybe not.
Arthur is fed up. He is reminded of the countryside of France. How many times has he walked beside a beautiful French river under shady trees like this, before things turned supernatural. Should he go home?
Should he get an exorcism? Should he ask Mrs Hume to drop him off at the Sacred Gardens Healing Centre in Penrith?
Shall we take the children to MacDonalds tonight, for a treat? says Mrs Hume.
Now there's an option.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Butterfly Teaches Fish A Lesson
Mrs Hume is playing Matching Pairs with Butterfly.
Butterfly is good at Matching Pairs and Mrs Hume is not, for some reason.
Fish comes up to the table. He wants to play as well.
After several tries, Fish finds two lions. He is disappointed.
I don't like lions, says Fish.
Butterfly has found four whales, two dogs and two ducks. Mrs Hume has found a pair of cats.
Fish is not happy with how the game is going.
I'm goin' to wreck it now, says Fish.
No, don't wreck it, we're still playing, says Butterfly.
Yes, Fish, don't, says Mrs Hume.
Fish gets down from the table, sweeping the remaining cards on to the floor.
Fish! says Butterfly.
Fish! says Mrs Hume.
I don't want to play it any more, says Fish.
Fish, says Butterfly, it's not nice to wreck other people's things.
Fish looks at the floor, waiting to find out what will happen next.
Look, says Butterfly, I'll show you what it's like when someone wrecks your things.
She takes a drawing from the sideboard, one she drew with care and pride the day before.
Pretend it's yours, says Butterfly.
Fish knows the drawing is his sister's. He weighs up the advantage to himself of taking part in the pretence.
Butterfly takes a green crayon and scribbles violently on her drawing.
Fish looks on impassively.
See? says Butterfly. You don't like it do you. I'm doing it to show you what it feels like.
Fish knows he must do something.
He screws up the wrecked drawing and throws it on the floor.
I don't care, says Fish, disappearing round the corner to watch tv with Arthur.
Butterfly, says Mrs Hume, that was a brilliant lesson you just taught your brother.
Butterfly looks pleased.
Butterfly is good at Matching Pairs and Mrs Hume is not, for some reason.
Fish comes up to the table. He wants to play as well.
After several tries, Fish finds two lions. He is disappointed.
I don't like lions, says Fish.
Butterfly has found four whales, two dogs and two ducks. Mrs Hume has found a pair of cats.
Fish is not happy with how the game is going.
I'm goin' to wreck it now, says Fish.
No, don't wreck it, we're still playing, says Butterfly.
Yes, Fish, don't, says Mrs Hume.
Fish gets down from the table, sweeping the remaining cards on to the floor.
Fish! says Butterfly.
Fish! says Mrs Hume.
I don't want to play it any more, says Fish.
Fish, says Butterfly, it's not nice to wreck other people's things.
Fish looks at the floor, waiting to find out what will happen next.
Look, says Butterfly, I'll show you what it's like when someone wrecks your things.
She takes a drawing from the sideboard, one she drew with care and pride the day before.
Pretend it's yours, says Butterfly.
Fish knows the drawing is his sister's. He weighs up the advantage to himself of taking part in the pretence.
Butterfly takes a green crayon and scribbles violently on her drawing.
Fish looks on impassively.
See? says Butterfly. You don't like it do you. I'm doing it to show you what it feels like.
Fish knows he must do something.
He screws up the wrecked drawing and throws it on the floor.
I don't care, says Fish, disappearing round the corner to watch tv with Arthur.
Butterfly, says Mrs Hume, that was a brilliant lesson you just taught your brother.
Butterfly looks pleased.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
The Merits Of Telling The Truth
Butterfly and Fish are making a tent in the bedroom when Arthur comes in.
Arthur! says Butterfly. Will you like to come in our tent?
No, says Arthur. I'm turning into a cockroach. My back is all stiff.
Butterfly looks up at Arthur. She knows he is lying.
Arthur, says Butterfly. You're not allowed to lie!
I'm not lying, says Arthur.
You are, insists Butterfly. Tell the TROOF.
We don't lie, says Fish.
You do, says Arthur.
No I don't, says Fish, dancing up and down.
Perhaps Fish needs to go to the toilet.
Do you need to go to the toilet? asks Arthur.
No, I went to the toilet just now, says Fish.
No you didn't says Butterfly. He didn't.
Yes I did, says Fish.
I believe you, says Arthur.
Who? asks Butterfly.
Arthur goes back downstairs.
Is everything alright up there? asks Mrs Hume.
Yes says Arthur. They're playing. I think I'll go out.
Wait, says Mrs Hume. I want to ring David.
Ring ring!
Hello, is that David?
Yes, says David. Mother?
Yes, says Mrs Hume. It's me. You are a fine one I must say, for not coming here.
You've got Arthur, says David. He's good with children.
He isn't, says Mrs Hume. But then neither are you.
Well then, says David.
They are good children, says Mrs Hume, but Arthur is obsessed with himself. He thinks he's turning into a cockroach, and I partly blame you. You told him his forehead was hard.
Good lord! says David. That was a pleasantry! Has he been to see Pastor Moon?
What would he do that for? asks Mrs Hume, alarmed.
Nothing, nothing, says David. Don't worry mother. And how are you doing?
Alright, says Mrs Hume. But it is a full time job. What with breakfast and microwave milk and school uniforms and spare clothing in schoolbags and sandwiches fruit and snacks, pony tails and socks and readers and games of hide and seek, pass the parcel and snap, and dinner and bathtime and stories and things that go tick in the night.......
Dear mother, says David What a treasure you are.
Arthur! says Butterfly. Will you like to come in our tent?
No, says Arthur. I'm turning into a cockroach. My back is all stiff.
Butterfly looks up at Arthur. She knows he is lying.
Arthur, says Butterfly. You're not allowed to lie!
I'm not lying, says Arthur.
You are, insists Butterfly. Tell the TROOF.
We don't lie, says Fish.
You do, says Arthur.
No I don't, says Fish, dancing up and down.
Perhaps Fish needs to go to the toilet.
Do you need to go to the toilet? asks Arthur.
No, I went to the toilet just now, says Fish.
No you didn't says Butterfly. He didn't.
Yes I did, says Fish.
I believe you, says Arthur.
Who? asks Butterfly.
Arthur goes back downstairs.
Is everything alright up there? asks Mrs Hume.
Yes says Arthur. They're playing. I think I'll go out.
Wait, says Mrs Hume. I want to ring David.
Ring ring!
Hello, is that David?
Yes, says David. Mother?
Yes, says Mrs Hume. It's me. You are a fine one I must say, for not coming here.
You've got Arthur, says David. He's good with children.
He isn't, says Mrs Hume. But then neither are you.
Well then, says David.
They are good children, says Mrs Hume, but Arthur is obsessed with himself. He thinks he's turning into a cockroach, and I partly blame you. You told him his forehead was hard.
Good lord! says David. That was a pleasantry! Has he been to see Pastor Moon?
What would he do that for? asks Mrs Hume, alarmed.
Nothing, nothing, says David. Don't worry mother. And how are you doing?
Alright, says Mrs Hume. But it is a full time job. What with breakfast and microwave milk and school uniforms and spare clothing in schoolbags and sandwiches fruit and snacks, pony tails and socks and readers and games of hide and seek, pass the parcel and snap, and dinner and bathtime and stories and things that go tick in the night.......
Dear mother, says David What a treasure you are.
Monday, March 4, 2013
In Need Of An Exorcism
David and Vello are in the office, with Bunny.
Heard from your mother? asksVello.
No, says David. I'm worried.
Hah! says Vello.
What does that mean? says David.
Nothing. She's with Arthur, says Vello. She'll be alright.
I've heard from Arthur, says Bunny.
What did he say? asks David.
He wanted to know if dad's back. He says he needs an exorcism.
Oh dear, says David. Now I'm really worried.
Is your dad back? asks Vello.
Yes, says Bunny.
Don't worry then, David, says Vello. Pastor Moon will sort Arthur out. And your mother can cope with the children.
Aren't you two going out to a lecture? says Bunny.
Yes, and we're going to be late, says Vello. Hurry up David.
What's this lecture on? asks David, who has forgotten.
Islamic finance, says Vello. You wouldn't get a lecture like that in East Blaxland.
True, says Bunny. You might get a lecture, but not on that.
Vello and David go out.
.........
In East Blaxland, Mrs Hume is fuming. Her Android Tablet is acting up again.
She wants to write an email to David but her keyboard is acting like a recalcitrant child.
That reminds her......
Arthur! she calls. Are the children playing nicely? They're being very quiet.
Arthur goes up the stairs. It is difficult now his legs are differently jointed, and his back is as hard as shellac.
Heard from your mother? asksVello.
No, says David. I'm worried.
Hah! says Vello.
What does that mean? says David.
Nothing. She's with Arthur, says Vello. She'll be alright.
I've heard from Arthur, says Bunny.
What did he say? asks David.
He wanted to know if dad's back. He says he needs an exorcism.
Oh dear, says David. Now I'm really worried.
Is your dad back? asks Vello.
Yes, says Bunny.
Don't worry then, David, says Vello. Pastor Moon will sort Arthur out. And your mother can cope with the children.
Aren't you two going out to a lecture? says Bunny.
Yes, and we're going to be late, says Vello. Hurry up David.
What's this lecture on? asks David, who has forgotten.
Islamic finance, says Vello. You wouldn't get a lecture like that in East Blaxland.
True, says Bunny. You might get a lecture, but not on that.
Vello and David go out.
.........
In East Blaxland, Mrs Hume is fuming. Her Android Tablet is acting up again.
She wants to write an email to David but her keyboard is acting like a recalcitrant child.
That reminds her......
Arthur! she calls. Are the children playing nicely? They're being very quiet.
Arthur goes up the stairs. It is difficult now his legs are differently jointed, and his back is as hard as shellac.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
