Things That Are Better Than Nothing

They arrive at the Waitpinga Beach car park.

Several surf vans are already there.

Told you, says Sweezus. It takes more than poisonous froth and sore throats to put surfers off.

Did you bring anything? asks Arthur.

Couple of body boards, says Sweezus. It was all I could fit in Katherine's boot.

Better than nothing, says Arthur. Let's go.

Can't leave Terence, says Sweezus. But you go.

He pops the boot open.

Arthur gets out.

Takes a body board and heads down the track to the beach.

Can I sit in the front now? asks Terence.

Sure, says Sweezus. Squeeze through.

Terence squeezes half way through to the front seat and stops.

What is it? asks Sweezus.

Just checking for pus-chools, says Terence.

He would've told us if it burst, says Sweezus. And he'd have had to stop and squeeze out the glass splinter.

Okay, says Terence, coming through.

Look at all those guys out there, says Sweezus.

Can't, says Terence. I'm too low.

I'll grab the towel, says Sweezius.

I was sitting on the suitcase, says Terence.

Geez, were you? says Sweezus. Kant's suitcase. Did you scratch it?

No, says Terence.

I hope not, says Sweezus. 

A new surf van pulls up beside them.

Two surfers get out.

Hey, says Sweezus. What's the story?

The surfers both start to cough.

That sounds nasty, says Sweezus. 

Be okay when we get out there, says one of the surfers. Hey, are you that guy...?

Sweezus, says Sweezus. 

And I'm that guy Terence, says Terence.

Cool, says the surfer. I'm Fritzy and he's Whitey.

G'day! says Whitey. See you guys out there.

Not me, says Terence. I'm the thermometer guy.

No kidding, says Whitey.

He and Fritzy grab their boards and head down the track, coughing.

Hope Arthur's not coughing, says Sweezus.

We should go down and see, says Terence.

Yeah, okay, says Sweezus. I wonder if Katherine keeps cough lollies in her glove box.

He opens the glove box.

A half full box of yellow Tic Tacs falls out.

Yellow.

But better than nothing.

Never Get Anything

Are we there yet? asks Terence.

About half way, says Sweezus.

Which half? asks Terence.

That's a really dumb question, says Sweezus.

I've got nothing to do, says Terence. 

You shouldn't have left Gloopy on the bus, says Arthur.

I know, says Terence.

Cheer up, says Sweezus. When we get to Waitpinga there'll be heaps to do.

Like what? asks Terence.

Remember the thermometer? says Arthur.

Where is it? asks Terence.

Gaius has got it, says Arthur.

I'm allowed to use it, says Terence. If I sink to the bottom.

I don't reckon Gaius would've said that, says Sweezus.

He said it was a good idea, says Terence.

Did he? says Sweezus.

But what can I do NOW? asks Terence.

Look at the scenery, says Sweezus.

I'm too low, says Terence.

Sit on my stuff, says Sweezus.

His stuff is under a towel next to Terence.

Beside it is a small suitcase.

The suitcase is flat, the towel stuff is lumpy.

So Terence sits on the suitcase.

Now he can see.

Boring trees and dead bushes.

I spy something brown, says Terence.

Everything, says Arthur.

Correct, says Terence. Your turn.

I spy something yellow, says Arthur

The sun, says Terence.

No, says Arthur.

The road sign, says Sweezus.

No, says Arthur.

We give up, says Terence.

The pustule on the back of my leg, says Arthur.

Good one, bro, says Sweezus. Except no one can see it.

Do you want to? asks Arthur.

No way, says Sweezus. And be careful. Don't pop it or Katherine will crack a fruity.

What's a pus-chool? asks Terence.

A pimple filled with sticky yellow pus, says Sweezus.

It'll probably pop by itself, says Arthur. There's glass in it.

Yikes! says Terence.

Don't worry little buddy, you won't get one, says Sweezus.

Because I never get anything, says Terence.

 

Forget The Rational Mind

Terence chooses the car.

He sits in the back seat and Arthur sits in the front, next to Sweezus.

They head off to Waitpinga.

Leaving Gaius in Victor Harbor with Kant.

Shall we set off at once? asks Gaius. 

Err, yes, let us set off at once, says Kant.

I heard you say you had never ridden a bicycle, says Gaius.

I did say that, says Kant.

But you think it should be easy, says Gaius.

I do, says Kant.

Well, says Gaius. Confidence is everything. You go in front and I'll follow.

Just for the first bit, says Kant. 

Yes just for the first bit, says Gaius. After that, we'll ride in tandem.

And get to know one other, says Kant.

Certainly, says Gaius. I have heard of you, of course.

And I you, says Kant.

He grasps the handlebars of Arthur's hired bike, and lifts one leg over the cross bar.

Foot on pedal, says Gaius. And push off!

Kant follows the instructions. Foot on pedal, push off.

With the other pedal, says Gaius, when nothing happens.

Oh, of course, says Kant. The rational mind sometimes....

Forget the rational mind, says Gaius. Launch yourself forward , and try to keep upright.

Kant launches himself forward. Hurrah! 

He moves forward, and keeps upright. 

Are you behind me? shouts Kant, not willing to turn round and look.

I am! says Gaius. Well done. You're a natural.

He catches up with Kant.

They are now heading out of Victor Harbor.

We should soon see the Waitpinga turnoff, says Gaius.

I hear it is scenic, says Kant.

Scenic? says Gaius. I suppose so, but that's not why we're going.

I thought it was, says Kant. So why are we going?

To examine the algal bloom that is killing the fish and causing rashes and sore throats in the surfers, says Gaius.

Kant is alarmed.

I see you are alarmed, says Gaius. Didn't Sweezus tell you?

No he didn't, says Kant.

The scallywag, says Gaius. He probably wanted an excuse to come down here and go surfing with Arthur.

In the algal bloom? asks Kant. That sounds risky. And he seems such a sensible young man.

We shall see, says Gaius. I wouldn't put it past the two of them to have planned it. 

I must remember to keep well away from the water, says Kant.

I shall be venturing into it, says Gaius. But only far enough to take temperature readings.

Aha, says Kant. So your theory is that the algal bloom is due to warming waters?

Yes, says Gaius. I see you have a scientific mind.

A philosophical mind, says Kant. 

Like my friends, Vello and David, says Gaius.

No, not like them, says Kant. We agree on sensation, but disagree on perception and what comes after.

It takes all kinds, says Gaius.

But we can't all be right, says Kant.

Indeed, says Gaius. I for example have had to admit that some of my medical remedies have proved ineffective. But I stand by the cabbage.

The cabbage? asks Kant.

As a poultice, says Gaius. In fact I would have suggested a cabbage poultice to Arthur, but I knew what he'd say.

I tend to stay away from doctors, says Kant. 

Gaius nods in agreement. 

How pleasant is this conversation!

Particularly without Terence to keep interrupting.

 

What Can I Hope?

Terence runs out of the police station.

He sees the back of someone who looks like Sweezus. 

Hey! cries Terence.

Sweezus turns and walks back.

Hey little buddy! says Sweezus. How come...?

We got arrested! says Terence.

No way! says Sweezus. Where are...?

Gaius and Arthur wheel their bikes out of the station.

Look! says Terence. Sweezus is here.

What are you doing in Victor Harbor? asks Gaius.

Stopped off to show Immanuel what it looks like, says Sweezus. He's gone for a walk.

Are you on bicycles? asks Gaius.

Borrowed Katherine's car, says Sweezus. But hey, Terence says you got arrested.

Not really, says Gaius. A case of lost property, that's all.

I lost Gloopy, says Terence. 

Where? asks Sweezus. 

On the bus, says Terence.

You might not get him back, says Sweezus. But at least he was dead.

At least? says Terence.

I just meant he won't be upset, says Sweezus.

It was his last adventure, says Terence. Getting left on a bus.

Yeah, says Sweezus. It happens. But hey what's the time? Shit! I'm supposed to be meeting Kant in two minutes.

Where? asks Gaius. 

Other end of the street, says Sweezus. Near the Causeway.

Want to borrow my bike? asks Arthur.

It's the first thing he has said.

Holy guacamole! says Sweezus. You don't look too good.

He has a fever, says Gaius. And one of his cuts is infected.

Man! says Sweezus. Yeah, I'll take the bike. Meet me down there.

He takes Arthur's bike and speeds off to meet Kant.

But Kant is not where he left him.

Where is he?  The man whose life runs like clockwork.

He is halfway across the Causeway, hurrying back.

Asking himself his favourite three questions. What can I know? What can I do? What can I hope?

Well he knows he can't hope to get back by four o'clock, that is certain. 

He is three minutes late.

Apologies, says Kant.

No worries, says Sweezus.  Did you get to the island?

No, says Kant. I did not. I see you have acquired a bicycle.

Yeah it's my friend's bike, says Sweezus. He's got a fever.

Dear me, says Kant. Is it this new influenza?

Nah, says Sweezus. One of the cuts in his leg got infected. 

Should he be riding a bike? asks Kant.

Yeah, nah, says Sweezus. I was thinking if you rode his bike to Waitpinga I could give him a lift in the car.

Ride there on my own? asks Kant.

No, with Gaius, says Sweezus. He's got a bike too. Here they come now.

Gaius and Arthur arrive, with Terence in the bicycle basket. 

Kant looks at Arthur. 

I have never ridden a bicycle before, says Kant, but it must be quite easy. Sweezus has asked me to give up my place in the car and ride your bike to Waitpinga.

What a kind offer, says Gaius. That will give Arthur some time to recover.

Arthur looks suitably grateful.

What about me? asks Terence.

You can go in the car or the basket, says Sweezus. I'd choose the basket, you'll see more.

I'd choose the car, says Gaius.

You Can't Kill Anything Else

Victor has given Arthur two paracetamol tablets, and a glass of water.

 Now... where was he? 

Yes, the dead skate.

So you claim it was dead before you left Tasmania, says Victor.

It was, says Gaius.

And it died by accident, says Victor.

Yes! says Terence. We already told you.

So that's cleared that up, says Gaius. May we go now?

Not so fast, says Victor. I have only your word for it.

I think you know me to be a trustworthy person, says Gaius

I haven't forgotten the case of the penguin pie, says Victor.

That was a joke, says Gaius. 

Never proven, says Victor. But all right. I'll close the case if you provide a statement from the chap who threw the skateboard into the pullalong causing the death of the skate.

Excellent, says Gaius. I'll get in touch with that person.

Will he have to go to jail? asks Terence.

Not if it was an accident, says Victor. But if the skate was dead before you left Tasmania, there may be further complications.

If so, you can find us at Waitpinga, says Gaius.

Good, says Victor. At least you can't kill anything else.

Meaning? says Gaius.

The fish are washing up dead, says Victor.

A grim jest on your part, says Gaius.

Couldn't resist it, says Victor.

Gaius, Arthur and Terence are now free to leave the police station.

Will they bump into Sweezus?

It's possible.

It is half an hour since Sweezus left Immamuel Kant to grab a coffee, while Kant went for his half past three walk.

Here comes Sweezus now.

He is passing the police station.

In such cases, a few seconds can make all the difference.

Transcendental Grass

Want me to come with you? asks Sweezus.

No, thank you, says Immanuel Kant. I'll go on my own. The reason being, I prefer to keep my mouth shut.

No worries, says Sweezus.

And breathe through my nose, adds Immanuel Kant.

Yeah, okay, says Sweezus.

For the simple reason I don't wish to catch cold, says Immanuel Kant.

It's thirty two degrees, says Sweezus. 

Yes it is rather warm, says Immanuel Kant. I shall walk in the direction of those linden trees.

I don't think they're linden trees, says Sweezus.  I reckon they're pines.

All the more reason to keep my mouth shut, says Kant. 

Yeah, pines make some people sneeze, says Sweezus. Okay I'll go and grab a coffee. Meet you back here in thirty minutes.

Excellent, says Kant, walking off.

He heads towards the pine trees that are not linden trees. 

One must not allow things like that to upset one.

Ah! Grass! Grass is the same everywhere. A transcendental concept.

He begins to feel better. 

He breathes in and out though his nose.

Sweezus heads for a coffee shop.

To get there he must pass the police station.

He passes it, without looking in.

Inside the police station, Gaius is explaining how Gloopy came to have died, and been stowed way in a pullalong, and on discovery, placed in a vinegar bottle...

Because he smelled, says Victor. Terence told me that.

So you have inteviewed Terence, says Gaius.

A mere friendly chat, says Victor. Go on.

So we arrived back in Adelaide with the skate in a bottle, says Gaius. I suppose I should have declared it, but we were needed as players.

Players? says Victor.

In Vello's Fringe show, says Gaius. AI Candide. It was during Scene Three that the accident happened.

Gloopy fell out of a tree and broke his bottle, says Terence.

After which Arthur was injured, says Gaius.

Oh yes, Arthur, says Victor. Would you like some paracetamol?

I might, says Arthur. 

I was thinking more along the lines of an amulet, says Gaius.

An amulet would be good, says Arthur. Would there be something in it?

Ideally some dust that a hawk has bathed in, says Gaius. Tied up in a linen bag, with red string. Failing that, the head of a viper.

Paracetamol it will have to be, then, says Victor.

He's not having that sort of nonsense.

Police Ears

Victor gets out of the police car.

Thought I'd find you here, says Victor.

Whereas I did not expect to find you here, says Gaius.

That's as may be, says Victor.

Demotion? asks Arthur.

Not at all, says Victor. My secondment has ended, not that it's any of your business.

I take it you've been looking for me, says Gaius.

 I have, says Victor. I suppose you can guess why.

No, says Gaius. Unless you are going to be unnecessarily officious regarding our intended visit to Waitpinga.

What's this? No, says Victor. But I advise against it.

What then? asks Gaius.

He's found GLOOPY! says Terence.

Victor's police ears prick up.

And who or what is Gloopy? asks Victor.

A herring, says Arthur.

Not an endangered maugean skate? says Victor. One has been found on a bus in Adelaide. And the security camera enabled the transport authorities to identify who it was left by.

Me! cries Terence.

You are a minor, says Victor. It's Gaius who's in trouble, unless he can explain how the dead skate came into his possession.

I can explain, says Gaius, but it's a long story.

Then I must ask you to accompany me to the police station, says Victor.

I should be happy to, says Gaius. But Arthur has a fever and needs my immediate attention.

Yes, says Arthur. 

Then he may accompany you, says Victor. We have a first aid box.

What about our bikes? says Gaius.

Bring them, says Victor. They'll be safe at the station.

So Gaius and Arthur wheel their bikes over the road to the police station. 

Terence gets a short ride in the police car.

What can you tell me about the dead maugean skate? asks Victor.

He could do tricks on a skateboard, says Terence. He wanted to come with us, so he hid under my skateboard and Surfing-with-Whales didn't know and threw him into the pullalong and he died but I knew he wanted to have an adventure so I put him in my pocket but he smelled.

And this happened where? asks Victor.

In my pocket, says Terence.

It is now Victor remembers that he should not interview a child on his own in a police car.

They arrive at the police station, at the same time as Gaius and Arthur.

And go inside.

A small white car which was passing slows down. 

Not because Sweezus, the driver, saw his friends enter the police station.

Nothing so coincidental.

But because it is half past three and his passenger, a man of habit, insists on stopping for his half past three walk.

 

Oozing

The bus stops in Victor Harbor.

Gaius and Terence get off.

Where's Arthur? says Terence.

Gaius gets back on.

Forgotten something? asks the driver.

My colleague, says Gaius. He was sitting at the back.

Go on then, says the driver.

Gaius goes to the back of the bus where Arthur is napping.

Wake up, Arthur, says Gaius. 

Where are we? asks Arthur.

Victor, says Gaius. We need to hire bikes.

Okay, says Arthur, standing up. 

Ouch! He was stuck to the seat.

How are your wounds? asks Gaius.

Oozing, says Arthur. 

You look a bit hot, says Gaius. 

I'm fine, says Arthur.

They get off the bus.

Terence has been waiting.

NOW can we call about Gloopy? asks Terence.

Gaius looks at his watch.

As soon as we've hired our bicycles, says Gaius.

They head to the bike shop, and hire two bikes, one with a basket for Terence.

Why do I have to go in a basket? asks Terence.

Because its not far to Waitpinga, says Gaius. We don't need a pullalong.

You guys going to Waitpinga? asks the bike shop assstant. You do know it's closed?

Yes we know, says Gaius. We are going in the interests of science, not leisure.

Not sure it makes any difference, says the bike shop assistant.

It makes all the difference, says Gaius.

Not if you're planning to go in the water, says the assistant.

I am, says Terence. I have to work the thermometer.

You look too young to work a thermometer, says the assistant.

But I'm the only one who's inPREvious, says Terence.

What does that mean? asks the assistant.

Impervious, says Gaius. It means ...

I know what it means, says the assistant. But the kid still looks too young.

Arthur staggers, knocking over a whole row of bikes.

You'd better take care of him too, says the bike shop assistant.

Arthur! says Gaius. Do you have a fever?

Probably, says Arthur. 

I know just the thing, says Gaius. 

He pays for the bike hire, and they wheel the bikes out of the bike shop.

What about Gloopy? asks Terence.

All right, says Gaius. 

He is about to call Adelaide Metro Lost Property, when a police car pulls up

Kant On Wheels

The bus to Victor Harbor starts moving.

Arthur sits near the back.

Gaius and Terence sit on the dark side, close to the middle.

Why did we need a thermometer? asks Terence.

To take the temperature of the sea, says Gaius.

Can I do it? asks Terence.

That would be good in one way and bad in another, says Gaius.

Why? asks Terence.

Good because you wouldn't get a rash or a cough from the algae, says Gaius.

Has the algae gone? asks Terence.

No, but you are generally impervious, says Gaius.

So can I do it? asks Terence.

You know what happens when you venture too far into the sea, says Gaius.

Yes, says Terence. I sink.

You sink, says Gaius.

So I could take the temperature of the sea at the bottom, says Terence.

That's a good point, says Gaius. It might be worth doing.

Yay, thinks Terence. 

At the back of the bus, Arthur is making a phone call to Sweezus.

Ring ring! Sweezus answers.

Hey bro!  Where are you?

On the bus to Victor Harbor, says Arthur.

Thought you were going to Waitpinga, says Sweezus.

We are, says Arthur. We're hiring bikes in Victor.

Cool, says Sweezus. We're heading straight to Waitpinga.

We? says Arthur.

This old dude's coming with me, says Sweezus. 

How come? asks Arthur.

The boss insisted. says Sweezus. He wants me to interview this guy for Velosophy, so I had this brainwave.

To bring him with you, says Arthur. Does he know about the poisonous froth?

The old dude? says Sweezus. No I just told him it's scenic. 

Right, says Arthur. What's his name?

Kant, says Sweezus. Immanuel. 

Rings a bell, says Arthur.

It should, says Sweezus. He's famous. But heaps weird as well. He goes for a walk every afternoon at three thirty.

No matter what? says Arthur.

So he claims, says Sweezus. And he keeps his socks up in this weird way as well.

Does he ride a bike? asks Arthur.

Dunno, says Sweezus. Guess I should ask him.

I thought that was one of the requirements, says Arthur. 

Yeah, says Sweezus. The boss wouldn't have set it up otherwise. 

Kant on Wheels, says Arthur.

I might borrow that title, says Sweezus.

How does he keep his socks up? asks Arthur.

With tapes up his legs and into his pockets, says Sweezus.

So he doesn't wear shorts, says Arthur.

Shit no, says Sweezus,

Dark Side

Terence is fretting about Gloopy, who he left on the bus.

I'll make a call to lost property, says Gaius.

Now? asks Terence.

Not now, says Gaius. He won't have been handed in yet.

What if no one hands him in? asks Terence.

Then you must resign yourself to his loss, says Gaius. And remember to look on the bright side. He was already dead.

Okay, says Terence. What's the bright side?

That was the bright side, says Gaius.

So what's the dark side? asks Terence.

Why don't you ask Arthur, says Gaius.

Terence stands up in his seat and looks over at Arthur.

Arthur, says Terence.

What? says Arthur. 

What's the dark side? asks Terence.

The dark side of what? asks Arthur.

Of the bright side, says Terence.

The opposite, says Arthur.

Terence thinks about this. If the bright side is that Gloopy is dead and the dark side is the opposite...

No way! says Terence. It would be GOOD if Gloopy was alive.

The dark side can be good, says Arthur.

He picks at a scab. Ouch! It feels like there might still be glass in it.

It might fester, and pop out by itself in a day or two....

The bright side of a dark side. Or the opposite.

Marion. 

They get off the bus. It's twenty minutes till the bus leaves for Victor Harbor.

If you hurry, says Gaius, you'll have time to find a chemist and buy a thermometer. Take my credit card.

Arthur takes it and goes into the shopping mall to look for a chemist.

He returns ten minutes later with a thermometer.

Good man, says Gaius. Where's the receipt?

But Arthur seems to have lost it.

Can I take my temperature? asks Terence.

Okay, says Arthur. Put it under your arm.

Don't squeeze it, says Gaius.

Twenty one degrees, says Arthur.

Wow! says Terence. I'm hot!

You are, says Gaius. When the Victor Harbor bus comes, don't choose a seat on the bright side.

Not Only Endangered

Arthur waits at the bus stop.

The 106 bus approaches, and stops

Gaius beckons to Arthur, through the window.

Arthur gets on.

The driver glares at Arthur, who has not validated his ticket.

Arthur sits down in a seat behind Gaius and Terence.

Guess what? says Terence.

I know, says Arthur.

What? asks Terence.

You've brought the dead herring, says Arthur.

Is it that obvious? asks Gaius.

Yes, says Arthur. 

Terence wants to give it a final adventure, says Gaius. And I thought, why not a trip to Waitpinga?

I thought you said Sweezus was coming? says Arthur.

He'll be meeting us later, says Gaius. Vello wants him to do something first.

Where's all your stuff? asks Terence.

In my pockets, says Arthur.

I don't suppose you've brought a thermometer? says Gaius.

No, says Arthur. Only a knife.

Let's hope we have no need of a knife, says Gaius.

The bus has continued meanwhile, and is now crossing King William Street.

We get off here, says Gaius, and catch the 265 to Marion.

Okay, says Arthur. Then what?

The bus to Victor Harbor, says Gaius. 

We could have cycled straight to Waitpinga, says Arthur.

Now you tell me, says Gaius. Are your legs feeling better?

His legs. 

Arthur had forgotten.

As they stand up to get off the bus he twists to look at his scabs.

 They cross the road to the D2 bus stop, to wait for the 265.

They stand, waiting.

Suddenly: Wah! cries Terence.

What is it? asks Gaius. 

I left Gloopy on the bus! wails Terence.

Arthur looks at Gaius.

What a disaster, says Gaius. I suppose the driver will find him.

What was he in? asks Arthur.

 A paper bag, says Terence.

They'll probably drop him into a bin, says Gaius. A problem will only arise if someone looks into the paper bag and identifies the contents.

An endangered maugean skate, says Arthur. Who'd identify it?

You never know, says Gaius. They've been in the news lately.

The 265 bus rolls up, and they get on, preoccupied, each in his own way, with this problem.

I Should Report You

Morning. Birds sing. 

Arthur wakes up in a Tea Cup.

Right. He remembers. He's going surfing. But what was the beach Gaius mentioned?

He climbs out of the Tea Cup.

Hey you! calls a guard.

Me? says Arthur.

Yes you, says the guard, coming up. Were you in that Tea Cup all night?

Looks like it, says Arthur. I don't know how I got there.

It happens, says the guard. 

I know, says Arthur. But how?

Maybe you'd had too much to drink, says the guard. And you thought the Tea Cup looked comfy.

I was planning to go on the Skydiver, says Arthur.

You wouldn't want to fall asleep on the Skydiver, says the guard.

No, I wouldn't, says Arthur. Can I go now?

On the Skydiver? asks the guard. No way. It's morning. We're closed.

Can I leave?  says Arthur. I'm supposed to be going surfing.

Half your luck, says the guard. Which beach?

Can't remember, says Arthur. But there are dead fish there, and poisonous froth on the water.

Yeah, that beach was on the news, says the guard. But you can't surf there, they closed it.

That explains it, says Arthur.

Explains what? asks the guard.

Why Gaius asked me, says Arthur.

Does he like to play tricks? asks the guard.

No, says Arthur. But if something's not allowed he relies on me to do it.

Was it him that suggested you sleep in a Tea Cup? asks the guard.

Is that not allowed? asks Arthur.

Of course it's not allowed, says the guard. If it was, homeless people would do it.

I don't think they would, says Arthur.

Bit stiff are you? asks the guard. And geez, you've got cuts on your legs. 

Arthur had forgotten. 

Surfing in poisonous froth with those cuts, says the guard. You'd have to be crazy.

Maybe I'm crazy, says Arthur. Can I go now?

I should report you, says the guard. What's your name?

Paul Verlaine, says Arthur.

The guard writes it down.

Then crosses it out.

No, I'm not going to report you. You can leave by that gate over there.

Arthur leaves. 

As soon as he is out on the street his phone rings.

It's Gaius. 

Arthur, where are you?

North Terrace, says Arthur. Opposite the Botanical Gardens.

What luck, says Gaius. Wait at the bus stop. Have you got everything you need?

Anyone who didn't live a charmed life would admit that they hadn't.

The Vertiginous Stars

The Kamikaze stops moving eventually.

Arthur and Gaius get off.

Why are you here? asks Arthur.

Why is anyone here? asks Gaius.

I didn't mean it that way, says Arthur.

It's good to hear you are lucid, says Gaius.

I'm always lucid, says Arthur.

Though he looks a bit green.

I was in the artists' bar, says Gaius. Talking to Sweezus.

So was I, says Arthur. 

Yes, before I was, says Gaius. I came in after.

Arthur thinks that he'd like to sit down.

They find some garden seats near an empty table.

And sit down.

I was wondering, says Gaius, if you had some spare time.

Sure, says Arthur. 

This is promising.

Gaius continues. Perhaps you've heard of Waitpinga?

Good surfing spot, says Arthur. 

Not any more, says Gaius.

Go on, says Arthur.

Mysterious froth has been washing up on the shore, says Gaius. Along with dead fish and some leafy sea dragons.

Mm, says Arthur. Is it poisonous froth?

A logical hypothesis, says Gaius. The local surfers have reported rashes and coughs.

Are you going? asks Arthur.

I was thinking of going, says Gaius. 

Is anyone else going? asks Arthur.

Terence will no doubt want to go, says Gaius. And Sweezus showed an interest.

Okay, I'm in, says Arthur. When are we going?

Tomorrow morning, says Gaius. So you'll need to go home and get some sleep.

But I just got here, says Arthur.

Yes, and you've been on the Kamikaze, says Gaius. That should be enough.

Arthur has been looking at the Skydiver.

He could go on that.

I don't think you should go on the Skydiver, says Gaius.

Arthur's garden chair is slowly tipping backwards.

Gaius reaches out.

But Arthur's chair keeps on tipping....

....away from, no, towards the vertiginous stars

....and moonlit clouds of poisonous froth.

For He Is Not Young

Hedley looks down from the top of of the Ferris Wheel.

He can see everything.

Look! says Hedley. 

I am looking, says Hedley's mother.

She can see everything too.

She can even see Arthur standing in the queue for the Kamikaze.

He is swaying slowly.

Obviously he has been to the artists' bar, drunk too much and decided to go on the Kamikaze.

If she was down there, instead of up here, she would stop him.

Although it's none of her business.

What are you looking at? asks Hedley.

Nothing, says his mother. Just the wonderful view. 

She keeps her eye on the Kamikaze, which is stopping.

The people who were on it get off.

Arthur moves forward (and sideways).

Someone rushes up.

Takes his arm, and seems to be remonstrating.

Arthur keeps moving forward.

The other person moves forward as well.

They get onto the Kamikaze together and are strapped in. 

And that is all Hedley's mother sees of what's happening to Arthur.

We however are not on the Ferris Wheel.

We were, but we're not any more. 

Now we are on the Kamikaze, strapped in next to Arthur and Gaius.

You'll regret this, says Gaius.

I won't, says Arthur, but you might.

I'm regretting it already, says Gaius.

The Kamikaze takes off. Up, up, up, slowly..... and hold.

Swoop! It swoops down and stops suddenly.

The young people scream.

Jupiters balls! shouts Gaius.

For he is not young.

Arthur is, but he is in a different zone from the others.

A delirious mind-popping zone.

Gaius looks at him sideways.

The Kamikaze starts to swing this way and that way.

Lurch. Crunch. Lurch. Crunch.

And ascends again.

Swoop!

The blood the flowers the fire the jewels! shouts Arthur.

Gaius is relieved. 

He had thought Arthur might vomit. And then what?

But these are just words.

On The Kamikaze

Hedley pokes his head out.

His hair is full of paella.

You were meant to keep guard, says Hedley.

I was, says Terence, but they threw it in anyway.

Yuck, says Hedley, shaking his hair.

Go back in, says Terence. No worse things can happen.

Hedley is not convinced no worse things can happen. What about those meat chunks on sticks?

Go on, says Terence. No one's even coming.

Hedley goes back in.

Hedley's mother comes up, looking for Hedley.

Terence, have you seen Hedley? 

Yes, says Terence. I mean no.

I think you mean yes, says Hedley's mother.

Okay, says Terence. He's just gone into the bin.

Which one? says Hedleys mother.

This one, says Terence. He's looking for the herring.

In that case, says Hedley's mother, he's in the wrong bin.

Hedley pops his head out. 

I've just been talking to Belle, says Hedley's mother. I said you wished you'd asked for the herring. She said she threw it into the purple bin.

That's the wrong bin, says Hedley.

She realised that after she'd done it, says Hedley's mother.

Belle comes over to join them.

Found it yet?

No, says Hedley. 

Oh dear, says Belle. You've got paella in your hair.

Help me out, says Hedley.

Hedley's mother and Belle help him out.

There is salad all over his shorts.

It'll be in this purple bin, says Belle. 

She reaches her hand in and brings out the herring.

Let me see it, says Hedley's mother. That is no herring.

It's a maugean skate, says Belle. We've been calling it a herring.

Whatever for? asks Hedley's mother.

Maugean skates are endangered, says Belle. It shouldn't be here.

It's having an adventure, says Terence. 

Not with Hedley, says Hedley's mother. 

Aw, says Hedley. But I want it. Terence said I could have it.

And I say you can't, says Hedley's mother.

So it looks like Hedley can't have it.

Poor Gloopy, says Terence. I'll have you.

Never mind, Hedley, says his mother. I'll take you over the road to the fun fair, and you can ride on the Tea Cups.

They're for babies, says Hedley.

Well, something else, says Hedley's mother. The Ferris Wheel perhaps.

Okay, says Hedley. Bye, Terence.

Can I go? asks Terence.

No, says Belle.

Hedley and his mother head off to the Garden of Unearthly Delights, over the road.

As luck would have it, they are not far behind Arthur, who has left the artists' bar and determined that what he needs is a hair-raising stomach-dropping neon-flashing ride on the Kamikaze.

Electric Eels, Violent Flashes

Sweezus and Arthur are in the artists' bar, drinking.

Some more artists rock up.

Hey, says one of the artists. How'd your show go?

Shit-shaped, says Sweezus. An unexpected herring turned up in the arbour.

Herring, says the artist. Couldn't you ignore it?

Yeah until it fell out of its tree, says Sweezus. 

Couldn't you still ignore it? asks the artist.

It was in a bottle, says Sweezus, and the bottle broke and Arthur got cuts.

Arthur is tossing down drinks. He turns slowly.

Blood has congealed on his legs.

Bad luck mate, says the artist. Does it hurt?

Getting there, says Arthur. Electric eels, violent flashes

Hey what? says Sweezus. 

Thought you said it was a herring, says the artist.

He'll be in the pain zone, says Sweezus. 

Arthur orders another.

......

Meanwhile Terence and Hedley are heading across to the bins.

If we find it, you can have it, says Terence.

There are three bins. A yellow one, a green one and a purple one for reusables.

Which one? asks Hedley.

How should I know? says Terence. 

Who threw it away? asks Hedley.

Probably Belle, says Terence. 

She would have put it in the one for old food scraps, says Hedley. 

Poor Gloopy, says Terence. He's an old food scrap. 

But we're going to save him, says Hedley. Help me get in.

Okay, says Terence. Climb up on me.

Hedley is used to climbing up other children, having done two years of Cirkidz.

He steps on Terence's knee, scrambles over his shoulder and tumbles into the bin.

Are you in? calls Terence.

Of course I'm in! replies Hedley.

Have you found Gloopy? asks Terence.

Not yet, says Hedley. Mainly salad.

Someone comes along with a box of half eaten paella.

Which one for food scraps? asks the person. 

Not this one, says Terence.

The person looks at the signs.

It is this one, says the person.

Yes but my friend's in there, says Terence. He's looking for his herring.

Now I know you're joking, says the person. No one here's serving herrings.

He drops his half eaten paella into the food scrap bin.

On top of Hedley, who has failed to predict this might happen.

The Riddled Legs

That poem is of no use to Hedley, says Hedley's mother. He doesn't know French.

I know bon doo, says Hedley.

Bon doo wasn't in it, says Terence.

And bon doo is not French, says Hedley's mother.

Arthur rolls onto his back and sits up.

I haven't finished, says Hedley's mother. 

You've done enough, says Arthur.

But YOU haven't, says Hedley's mother. How about a poem for Hedley in English?

Okay, says Arthur. I'll say it in English, but it won't sound as good.

At least Hedley will understand it, says Hedley's mother. 

What what what? begins Arthur.

Wait! says Hedley's mother. You could at least write it down.

Sweezus comes over, in normal clothes.

We're heading off to the artists' bar, says Sweezus. Coming?

Sure, says Arthur, standing.

After he's translated the rest of his poem into English, says Hedley's mother.

Poem? says Sweezus. I thought the kid wanted the herring?

Not after what happened, says Arthur. 

What's the poem then? says Sweezus.

What what what? says Arthur.

Sweezus sniggers.

Hedley's mother records the recitation on her phone.

Ah happily he chose the good moment the herring went away, the prize emerges from the riddled legs of the poet, won by Hedley, says Arthur.

Like, what was it, glass? asks Sweezus.

What was what? asks Arthur.

The prize that came out of your legs, says Sweezus. 

The poem, says Arthur. It came out of the pain in my legs.

Shit yeah, says Sweezus. How are they?

I'll probably get scars, says Arthur.

Don't pick the scabs, says Sweezus. 

It's harder to pick scabs on the back of your legs, says Arthur.

Yeah I guess you don't see them, says Sweezus.

They head off to the artists' bar together.

Well, says Vello. Is Hedley happy with his poem?

No, says Hedley. There's something wrong with it.

It's certainly peculiar, says Hedley's mother.

That's Arthur for you, says Vello. But what's wrong with it, Hedley?

It sounds like the prize was his legs, says Hedley. 

No Hedley, says his mother. The prize EMERGED from his legs. It's a poetic device called compression.

Indeed, says Vello. But Hedley, the poem is yours and it has your name in it. That is something.

I wish I'd chosen the herring, says Hedley.

Even Terence looks sympathetic.

 

Tweezery Pricklets

The show is over. 

Hedley and his mother go around to the back of the Piglet.

Arthur is sitting on the grass picking broken glass from the backs of his legs.

Vello is speaking to Terence.

What possessed you to hang the vinegar bottle in the arbour? says Vello.

What does that mean? asks Terence.

He means why did you do it, says Hedley.

Hedley! says Terence. You won!

Hello Hedley, says Vello. Congratulations. What prop do you choose as a prize? 

I want the poem, says Hedley. I did want the bottle with the herring inside, but it broke.

You could still have the herring, says Vello.

No he couldn't, says Terence. It's gone missing.

Then it looks like Arthur will have to come up with a poem, says Vello. 

Arthur adds another shard of glass to the pile.

Arthur? says Vello.

Sure, says Arthur. A poem for Hedley. 

You don't have to do it right now, says Hedley's mother. Your legs need attention.

I'm giving them attention, says Arthur. 

Are they painful? asks Hedley's mother.

Yes, says Arthur. 

Lie down, says Hedley's mother. On your stomach. And keep still.

Arthur chooses not to comply.

Do it, says Hedley. Then you can start on my poem.

Yes, says Terence. Do it. We'll help you. How about, A herring has died.....

It wasn't a herring, says Hedley. 

Doesn't matter, says Arthur, lying down and rolling over. 

Keep still, says Hedley's mother.

She fishes some tweezers from the depths of her bag.

Arhur keeps still, feeling tweezery pricklets of pain.

Well? says Hedley.

Why not? thinks Arthur. Pain usually helps with the process.

He allows his mind to wander.

Quoi quoi quoi ?

ah...heureusement qu'il a choisi 

le bon moment lorsque le hareng s'est éloigné

Le prix emerge des jambes criblées du poete

réclamé par le gagnant Hedley....

Not The Nature Of Reality

Yes. It seems to be finished.

Vello strides onto the stage.

Well? Any questions? asks Vello.

Is it finished? asks someone.

It is, says Vello. 

Was that real broken glass? asks someone else.

That would be telling, says Vello.

You said any questions, calls out someone.

Not questions on the nature of reality, says Vello. I meant questions about this year's choice of excerpts. 

No one has any questions.

It's always awkward when no one has a question 

Hedley's mother decides she will ask one.

Were the excerpts chosen at random? asks Hedley's mother.

Well spotted, Hedley's mother, says Vello. Yes they were chosen at random. The first two scenes were contiguous, but there was a gap between them and scene three.

And you were happy with that? asks Hedley's mother.

Of course I was happy with that, says Vello. Any more questions?

Why wasn't the cloak real? asks Hedley.

Intelligent question, Hedley, says Vello. The cloak was not real because Cacambo was not expecting to have to produce it.

But what about AI? asks Hedley.

Who do you think is in charge of our AI effects? says Vello.

The German Colonel? asks Hedley.

Close, says Vello. It was Candide. And being involved in the action, he was unable to fiddle with his AI equipment and come up with a cloak. Thus Cacambo decided you would have to imagine one.

Good old-fashioned improv, says someone.

Exactly, says Vello. Now you've all had enough thinking time. How many AI effects were there? 

The audience is quiet, totting up AI effects in their minds.

The horses, the flickering old lady, the arbour,  the red ear tips, the blood and the herring.

Or not the herring.

And not the broken glass. 

That did look real. And they swept it into a dustpan. You heard it tinkle.

Then there was the cloak. Or there wasn't.

Anyone? asks Vello.

Eight, suggests someone.

Nine, says someone else.

Seven, says Hedley.

Correct, says Vello. Seven is the answer. Come backstage afterwards to claim your prize, Hedley.

Not everyone is happy.

Finished Or What?

 Luckily, the German Colonel  lives a charmed life.

Are you okay? asks Candide.

No, says the German Colonel. Have you forgotten that you’ve just run me through with a sword?

No, says Candide. But you look like you’re bleeding.

I slipped on that cursed herring, says the German Colonel. Who would have expected to find a herring in an arbour?

In a bottle, says Candide. I must get to the bottom of this mystery.

He exits the stage.

The German Colonel sits up and addresses the audience.

A slight mishap, says the German Colonel. I’m supposed to have died.

Make up your mind! shouts someone.

Is it a real herring? asks someone else.

No, it isn’t, replies the German Colonel.

Candide runs back on with a dustpan and brush. He sweeps the broken glass into the dustpan and hurries off again.

The audience is confused. Not a real herring, but real broken glass?

This AI competition is tricky.

Candide comes back on.

The German Colonel lies down again.

Dead. Run through with a sword.

The so-called herring lies on the stage, next to his foot.

O God! cries Candide. What have I done?

Enter Cacambo, a servant Candide brought with him, from Cadiz.

You must escape at once, says Cacambo. Put on his clothes. Then no one will question you.

But they’re covered in blood, says Candide.

A mere spot, says Cacambo.

No, says Candide.  A bit more than that.

It’s true. The German Colonel’s costume has blood on the trousers.

So what will I do? asks Candide.

Borrow his cloak, says Cacambo.

He doesn’t have one, says Candide.

I’ll get it, says Cacambo.

He runs off and comes back with nothing.

Candide looks surprised. Then he twigs. Yes, a pretend cloak. No worries.  He puts it on.

He and Cacambo exit the stage.

The German Colonel stands up, picks up the herring, and walks off.

Hard to see if there’s blood on his trousers.

The lights have dimmed.

Silence.

Is it finished?

Or what.

 

Terrible Timing

Scene Two has ended.

Vello comes on.

The old lady's tale has been told, says Vello. And we have learned a valuable lesson. 

What is it? shouts someone.

Vello ignores him.

Scene Three is entitled The German Colonel in the Arbour, says Vello. And yes, we have skipped a few parts.  The lovely Cunégonde has fallen into the clutches of the Governor of Buenos Ayres, and Candide, having escaped, is now meeting a certain German Colonel in Paraguay.

Get on with it! shouts another audience member.

Indeed! says Vello. And good luck in our AI spotting competition.

Keep your eyes peeled, Hedley, whispers his mother.

I am, whispers Hedley. 

Where did you go in the middle of Scene Two? whispers his mother.

Out the back to see Terence, whispers Hedley.

That was nice, whispers Hedley's mother. Did he show you the props?

Yes,whispers Hedley, but I decided I'll ask for the poem.

That's very mature of you Hedley, whispers his mother.

Scene Three begins.

Arthur comes on, dressed as a German Colonel, with his red ear tips and arched eyebrows.

Candide enters, as though being conducted by soldiers.

So you are a German, says the German Colonel.

Birds twitter in the arbour. Hummingbirds, birds of paradise, parakeets, and a bottle.

A bottle?

The bottle swings from a branch of a tree.

Yes, your reverence, says Candide.

What part of Germany do you come from? asks the German Colonel.

I was born at Castle Thunder-ten-tronckh, says Candide.

Good gracious, says the German Colonel. Can it really be you?

This is beyond the bounds of possiblity! says Candide. You are Cunégonde's brother! But weren't you killed by the Bulgars?

They embrace. 

Candide tells the German Colonel the good news. Cunegonde is alive! But will need to be rescued.

We shall do it together! says the German Colonel.

The bottle drops out of the tree.

Smash! Vinegar goes everywhere.

And a dead something, maybe a herring, lies inert on the stage.

What terrible timing.

That's what I long for, says Candide, because I am hoping to marry her!

You insolent fellow! cries the German Colonel, striking Candide with the flat of his sword.

Candide springs back, draws his own sword, and plunges it into the German Colonel's stomach.

The German Colonel, who had in rehearsal perfected his death scene, instead slips on a herring. 

Last Year's Bon Doo

It looks like a stingray, says Hedley.

It's a skate, says Terence. I got it in Tasmania.

Why is it dead? asks Hedley.

It tried to escape, under my skateboard, says Terence. But Surfing-with-Whales didn't know. And he threw the skateboard into the pullalong, and it died.

So it's yours, says Hedley.

The skateboard? says Terence.

The stingray, says Hedley.

The herring, says Terence.

Why do you have to call it a herring? asks Hedley.

Because it's endangered, says Terence.

If it's dead, it can't be endangered, says Hedley.

Yes, says Terence. But you're not meant to be the person that killed it.

Okay, says Hedley. 

Okay what? asks Terence.

I don't want it after all, says Hedley.

You weren't going to get it, says Terence.

I was, says Hedley. There's a prize for spotting the most AI effects in your play. And the prize is a poem or a prop. And I wanted the prop.

But now you want the poem, says Terence. What poem is it?

Arthur's going to write it, says Hedley. 

It won't be very good, says Terence. He can't do rhymes.

Poems don't have to have rhymes, says Hedley. Just emotions.

Ha ha, laughs Terence. He'll probably write it in French.

So what? I know French, says Hedley. Remember last year? Bon doo!

That was good French, says Terence. 

I know, says Hedley. 

You probably won't win anyway, says Terence. Because you're not watching.

This is a good point. 

Hedley goes back to his seat, next to his mother.

On stage, the old woman is nearing the end of her tale.

In a small fortress on the sea of Azov, we were besieged by the Russians, who were starving us out. The soldiers who guarded us decided to eat us. But a Mohammedan priest persuaded them not to kill us outright. Cut just one buttock off each of these ladies, he said. It will provide you with a delicious meal, and you can have the same again later....

Hedley's mother turns to Hedley to see how he is taking this part of the story.

Poisoned Hot Chocolate

Scene Two. The Voyage.

Sweezus has done a good job with the scenery.

Candide, Cunégonde and the old lady appear to be on a ship, on their way to Cadiz.

Not only the background is moving, but also the floorboards.

Up and down go the floorboards.

An albatross wings its way by.

Squaawk! It emits a realistic albatross warning.

Candide and Cunégonde are both complaining. Can this be the best of all possible worlds, when things have gone so badly?

Stop complaining, you two, says the old lady. Your misfortunes are nothing like mine.

How can you claim that! says Cunégonde. Unless you have been ravished by Bulgars, had two stabs in your belly and your country house demolished, seen your parents butchered before your eyes, and then had to serve as a kitchen maid.....

If you knew my story, says the old woman, you wouldn't talk as you do.

Then tell us your story, says Cunégonde.

I have not always been a servant, begins the old lady. I am the daughter of Pope Urban X and the Princess of Palestrina.....

Hedley is bored. Where are the horses?

Who cares about the old woman's story? Not him. He looks across at his mother. But she is engrossed.

I was betrothed to a handsome young prince of Massa-Carrara, but he died hours before our wedding, due to drinking poisoned hot chocolate, says the old lady.

Poisoned hot chocolate! But Hedley is no longer listening. He has slipped off his seat and made his way backstage, to find Terence.

My mother and I sailed for our estate in Gaeta, but on the way we were captured by Moorish pirates, says the old lady. We and our ladies in waiting were stripped naked. The pirates probed us with their fingers, looking for diamonds.....

Hedley might have liked that part.

Or he might not.

But no matter. He has found Terence, at the back of the Piglet.

Terence is re-winding the string round the neck of his vinegar bottle.

Hi! says Hedley!

Hedley! says Terence. Did you see me? I was a horse.

A pony, says Hedley. 

Okay a pony, says Terence. Did you notice its tail?

Yes, says Hedley. A bottle with something inside it. 

That's Gloopy, says Terence. He's dead. But he's still having adventures.

Let's see, says Hedley.

He looks into the vinegar bottle and sees Gloopy. 

What is it? asks Hedley.

We have to pretend he's a herring, says Terence.

He doesn't look much like herring, says Hedley.

He's unrolled a bit lately, says Terence.

Strategic Enlargement

Fake! shout several audience members.

Vello runs back onto the stage.

Save your guesses till the end, please! says Vello. 

He runs off.

The flickering old lady flickers out entirely and is replaced by Gaius in his skirt and cushion.

That's the real old lady, whispers Hedley.

No prizes for spotting the real one, whispers his mother.

Yes but.... says Hedley.

Shush, Hedley, says his mother.

The old lady is waiting for silence.

There are three thorougbreds in the stables with saddles and bridles, says the old lady. You must get them ready.

Candide hurries off.

I don't know how I'm going to manage with only one buttock, says the old lady.

Youll manage somehow, says Cunégonde.

Candide returns, leading two AI horses with Terence's face, and a smaller pony, which is the actual Terence.

Ha ha! laughs the audience.

Because it is funny.

Get on quickly, says Candide. We must hurry.

I'll take the pony, says Cunégonde. 

She lifts up her skirts, which are divided.

Terence backs in, leaving only his head showing.

Now for the part which no one is expecting.

Terence pulls the vinegar bottle from the back of his shorts. 

He unwinds the string a little.

And places the vinegar bottle down on the floor. 

The dead baby maugean skate in the vinegar bottle rolls slightly.

This is going to be your best adventure ever, whispers Terence. 

Candide has already trotted off stage successfully, due to some tricky leg movements, and a strategic enlargement of his horse's rear end. 

The old lady attempts to mount her horse. After a few false starts she gives up, and leads her horse off stage, muttering, Come along, my beauty.

I'm coming, says Cunégonde. 

She makes a half turn.

The vinegar bottle rumbles.

Here I go! says Cunegonde. Ready, my little pony?

She turns fully, and jogs off the stage.

Terence jogs underneath her.

Yay this is working!

The dead skate in the vinegar bottle trails behind them.

The audience is uncertain as to what they've just seen.

What do you think that was? asks Hedley's mother.

A prop, says Hedley. And it's going to be mine.

Escape Of The Fingers

The audience files in, and sits down.

Hedley and his mother are in the first row.

I wish I was in it, like last year, says Hedley.

Never mind, says Hedley's mother. You're probably too big now.

The stage darkens, And Vello comes on.

He stands still, for several moments, then wiggles his fingers.

Welcome to this year's show, says Vello. These are my fingers.

He wiggles them again.

Remember these fingers, says Vello. 

What for? calls someone in the second row.

You are all about to find out, says Vello.

He goes off. And immediately returns.

He wiggles his fingers.

What's this? Two fingers on one hand are joined together. The other hand has .. only four fingers!

Is this a magic show? calls someone in the fourth row.

Shut up. It's AI CANDIDE! hisses the person next to the person in the fourth row.

It's an AI actor! shouts someone.

Correct, says Vello. Or....is it?

He whips off his gloves.

What? Gloves that look like weird fingers?

So you see, ladies and gentlemen and children, it is not easy to spot AI effects. And so we are offering a small prize at the end of the performance for the most successful spotter.

You should be good at this, Hedley, whispers Hedley's mother.

What's the prize? calls Hedley.

HEDLEY! says his mother.

The prize for best spotter is a personal poem composed on the spot by one of our cast members, the multi-talented Arthur Rimbaud! says Vello.

A ripple of interest flows through the audience.

Backstage, Sweezus whispers something to Arthur.

Arthur shakes his head.

Or, continues Vello, a small prop of your choice, as a memento.

They had fake diamonds last year! says someone.

I suggest you keep your eyes peeled, says Vello. And ENJOY!

He exits the stage. 

Time for Scene One.

The Escape From Cadiz on Horseback.

Candide and Cunégonde are sitting on a couch.

Don Issachar comes in with a dagger.

You Galilean bitch! shouts Don Issachar. 

Candide stands, draws his sword, and Don Issachar falls to the floor, dead as a doornail.

Holy Virgin! cries Cunégonde! What now? If the police come we are done for!

Let us consult the the old woman, says Candide.

The old woman enters, flickering a little.

The audience stares at her fingers.

Perhaps she' s got those fake gloves on.

But what about her face?

Doesn't it look rather young? 

To Act As A Tail

Tonight is the first night of AI CANDIDE! ( the eye-catching title).

Arthur is giving out fliers.

Someone accepts one.

Hey! says the person. I saw this show last year.

Not this one, says Arthur. It has AI effects.

Like what? asks the person.

Like this, says Arthur, pushing his hair back to show his red-tipped ears and arched eyebrows.

That's just makeup, says the person.

Then what about this? says Arthur, unarching his eyebrows.

That was just you unarching your eyebrows, says the person. And you've still got red ears. Make them go back to normal.

Later, says Arthur. 

Weren't you in it last year, when they gave out free seeds? asks the person. That was good. Are you  giving out freebies?

What we're doing, says Arthur, is asking the audience to identify which parts are AI. 

That should be easy, says the person. Look at the fingers. Is there a prize?

There could be, says Arthur.

Sometimes it's best to remain enigmatic.

So are you coming? asks Arthur. It starts in half an hour.

I could do, says the person, shoving the flyer into his pocket and walking away.

Arthur joins the rest of the cast in the tiny space behind the Piglet.

Any interest? asks Vello. 

There is now, says Arthur. 

What do you mean? asks Vello. I hope you haven't been offering free seeds. We don't have any.

Just a hint that there might be a prize, says Arthur. 

What for? asks Vello.

Guessing which parts of the show are AI, says Arthur. 

Sweezus, who is buttoning up his suit, overhears this.

Cool idea, says Sweezus. Everyone's into it.

Are they? says Vello. I should think it would be fairly obvious.

So would I, says David. Apparently you look at the fingers.

Fingers! says Vello. Horses don't have fingers!

And joins, says David. Remember the Princess of Wales and her photos?

What's this? asks Belle, swishing over in her newly split skirt.

It seems we're giving out prizes for guessing which parts of the show are AI, says Vello.

One prize, says Arthur.

And what might that be? asks Vello. 

Up to you, says Arthur.

Vello casts about for ideas.

Maybe a signed autograph? 

A prop, of minimal value?

A poem? Yes, a poem by Arthur. Let him come up with a suitable one in hurry.

But in fact, the problem is already solving itself.

Terence, wishing to give Gloopy an excellent adventure, has tied the vinegar bottle to his waist by a string, and is keeping it hidden, temporarily, in the back of his shorts.

To act as a tail.

Look Out From Under

Sweezus fiddles again with his equipment.

A second horse appears, with Terence's face.

Very impressive, says Gaius. And I understand there's a virtual old lady.

There is, says Belle. It's me in your old lady costume, but with your face.

May I see it? asks Gaius.

Sweezus calls up the old lady with Gaius's face.

And does it say my lines? asks Gaius.

Sure does, says Sweezus.

He presses a button.

"We can't count the dead one", says the virtual old lady, in Gaius's voice.

Where did that come from? asks Vello.

Not too sure, says Sweezus.

I said that in Tasmania, says Gaius. Terence had told you we'd seen twelve maugean skates. And I said we can't count the dead one.

Why not? asks David.

Because we were there to count live ones, says Gaius. 

Gloopy WAS alive, says Terence. 

You gave it a name? says Belle. That was cute.

I don't know about that, says Gaius. But Terence insisted on bringing it with him.

On an adventure, says Terence.

And where is it now? asks Belle.

Somewhere, says Terence.

Belle! says Vello. We need to get on with this rehearsal. Are you riding on Terence or what?

Let's try it, says Belle. Get under my skirt, Terence. Not that way, facing the front. Now look out from under it. Are you ready?

Neigghh! says Terence.

Belle jogs forward.

Terence disappears under the skirt.

We need to move off together, says Belle.

They try again. 

This time it works, to a point.

But when you turn to go off stage, the audience can't see the horse, says Vello.

I'll just give it a tail, says Sweezus. 

Yeah, he can easily impose a virtual tail on Belle's back view.

Won't that look like it's MY tail? asks Belle

Yeah it might, says Sweezus. What if I do you a whole horse's back side?

No, thank you, says Belle. The audience knows I'm on horseback. They've seen Terence's face.

Right, let's do this, says Vello. Mount your horses and ride off the stage.

Gaius attempts to mount his virtual horse.

And fails.

It may look like a real horse, but it isn't.

Too Small To Be Ridden

It's eating the buns! says Belle. How is that even possible?

It only appears to be eating the buns, says Sweezus.

Then where are the buns? asks Vello.

Everyone looks for the buns,

Except of course for the AI horse, who has eaten them.

After all, this was his chance.

The entire knowledge of the internet is at its disposal.

It knows horses like buns. It knows Terence can't eat them.

But it does not know what will happen if he eats them via Terence's face.

The following is what happens.

The door of the rehearsal room opens and Gaius walks in, with Terence.

Here we are, ready for duty, says Gaius. Where is my cushion?

Where's my horse? asks Terence.

There, says Belle. And you won't believe this, but it's eaten our buns.

Let's see, says Terence.

He runs across to the AI horse with his face.

Can it talk? asks Terence.

Of course I can talk, says Terence's face.

Woop! says Terence. And can you eat anything?

Only buns so far, says Terence's face.

What do they taste like? asks Terence.

Like sandpaper, says Terence's face.

Hear that? says Sweezus.

I heard that, says David. Why should the buns taste like sandpaper to a horse with Terence's face. A virtual horse at that. 

Yes, says Vello. Logically the buns shouldn't taste like anything.

And they shouldn't have disappeared, says Belle.

Is this my cushion? asks Gaius. 

Yes, says Vello. Tie it on. We're about to finish rehearsing scene three, the escape to Cadiz, on three horses.

Excellent, says Gaius.

Am I going to be one of them? asks Terence.

You already are, says Sweezus. That's your face. And I'm cloning two others.

One other, says Terence. One has to be the real me.

We don't have a horse costume, says Belle. 

And you're too small to be ridden, says David. 

Belle could ride me, says Terence. 

Actually I could, says Belle. At least I could seem to be riding. My long skirt would cover my feet.

What an idea! says Vello. We don't want this scene to look comical.

But I want to be in it! cries Terence.

We all want you to be in it, says Belle.

Rumble-rumble-BLUUURCH!!

The AI horse with Terence's face is gaining a new piece of data.

It not only has Terence's face, but his digestive system.

Terence watches as five half-chewed buns spew out onto the floor.

This should be good for his chances.

Head For The Buns

Late next morning, the final rehearsal.

Scene one. The Old Lady, Candide and Cunégonde escape to Cadiz on Horseback.

Candide has just killed Don Issachar and the Grand Inquisitor.

They lie dead on the floor.

Excellent! says Vello That looks realistic.

Thanks, says Candide.

Continue, says Vello.

What will happen to me now? asks Cunégonde. If the police come, we are done for!

Let us ask the old lady, says Candide.

But of course there is no old lady. She's still at the Adelaide airport.

No worries, says Candide. I've got this.

He fiddles with his AI equipment.

An old lady appears, with Cunégonde's face.

There are three thoroughbreds in the stables. says the old lady in Cunégonde's voice.

Hey, says Cunégonde. You've called up the wrong version.

Shit-a-brick! says Candide. 

The old lady with Cunegonde's face flickers, and goes out.

A new old lady appears in her place.

This one has Gaius's face, and Gaius's half-bottom.

I'll go and saddle the horses, says Candide. He exits the stage.

This had better work, grumbles Vello.

Candide returns leading what looks like a horse, with the face of an infant. 

Where are we going? asks the horse.

Huh? says Candide.

Extemporise, hisses Cunégonde.

To Cadiz, says Candide to the horse.

Then three horses are needed! says the horse.

I don't remember any of this, says Vello. But it's good. Keep it in.

They break for a late morning coffee, and a big plate of buns. 

Do I smell coffee? asks David, entering the rehearsal room.

Help yourself, says Vello.

How's the rehearsal going? asks David. Is it me yet?

We're still sorting out the horses, says Vello.

Is that one of them? asks David, pointing to the horse with Terence's face.

It is, says Vello. 

The horse with Terence's face is an AI horse.

Neither a real horse nor Terence.

It has a mind of it's own. An AI mind.

It decides it will head for the buns.

The Flickering Lady

The next part of Scene Three.

My dear Candide, says Arthur (the German Colonel), together we shall rescue my sister.

That's what I long for, says Sweezus. For I'm hoping to marry her.

You insolent fellow! says Arthur. 

He strikes Sweezus with the flat of his sword.

Sweezus draws his sword and plunges it into Arthur's stomach.

Arthur dies, in a long drawn out action.

Where's the blood? says Vello.

Coming, says Sweezus. Give me a minute

And why is SHE there? asks Vello.

Who? asks Sweezus.

Is it Cunégonde or the old lady? asks Vello. She keeps flickering.

Neither of them are meant to be there, says Sweezus. 

It seems you're not fully in control of your AI effects, says Vello.

It's difficult when I'm acting, says Sweezus.

You should have said, says Vello. Give it to Belle, she can do it.

What do I do? asks Belle.

Produce some blood and get rid of the flickering woman, says Vello.

Belle looks at the flickering woman. 

Is that me? says Belle. Why is my bottom enormous?

It's you in Gaius's costume, says Sweezus. I haven't added his face.

So it's got my face! says Belle. How do I delete it?

Don't delete it! says Sweezus. It's the only copy with the cushion!

Too late.

Belle has deleted the whole flickering lady including her bottom and face.

Fuck, says Sweezus. Now it's back to square one.

Can't we just do without this AI stuff? asks Belle.

People expect it, says Vello. 

Belle fiddles with Sweezus's equipment.

All at once Arthur is covered in blood.

AI blood, not real blood.

So the rehearsal has been partly successful.

Tomorrow morning, says Vello. Final rehearsal. I expect Gaius and Terence to be here, and the horse scene to go like clockwork.

No worries, says Sweezus. 

He is confident it will go like clockwork.

Wait. No he isn't. 

Not now that Belle has deleted herself.

Shit! He'll have to reconstruct the old lady!

The German Colonel In The Arbour

Back in Adelaide, Vello holds a rehearsal.

Listen up, everyone, says Vello, I've been talking to Gaius.

Is he coming? asks Belle.

He's crossing Bass Strait as we speak, says Vello. And he gave me some valuable feedback regarding the cushion.

His buttock cushion? says Belle. 

That's the one, says Vello. It seems at least one person thought it was funny.

It was funny, says Belle. Is he bringing it with him?

I doubt he travelled all the way to Tasmania with it, says Vello. It'll be in the costume box.

Belle starts looking.

Sweezus and Arthur arrive for the rehearsal.

You're late, says Vello. How's the AI thing going?

Good, says Sweezus. I've perfected the horse and I've streamlined the old lady.

Better unstreamline her, says Belle. She's funnier with the cushion.

No worries, says Sweezus. Is that the cushion?

Belle has found it, and is holding it up.

Sweezus takes his phone out.

Want me to put the old lady's skirt on? asks Belle. With the cushion?

Yeah, that would help, says Sweezus.

She ties the cushion to one side of her bottom, with strings that remain from last year. Then she puts the skirt on.

Sweezus makes a video of her from all angles.

I thought Gaius was coming, says Arthur.

He is, says Vello, but we need the AI effects. The audience will expect it.

Only because you advertised it in your flyer, says Belle.

I know, says Vello. I hope I won't regret it.

You won't, says Sweezus. I've got the hang of it now.

Right, says Vello. Tonight were rehearsing Scene Three, the German Colonel in the Arbour.

That's me, says Arthur.

Watch this, says Sweezus.

He calls up the special AI effects of an Arbour.

A pretty colonnade of green and gold marble with lattice work cages filled with hummingbirds, birds of paradise, parakeets and guinea fowl. And a table containing gold plates and a luxurious dinner.

O well done, says Vello. Cue, Arthur!

Arthur steps forward. His face changes. He now has red tips to his ears, and arched eyebrows.

He looks like a German Colonel.

What part of Germany do you come from? asks the German Colonel.

Westphalia, says Sweezus, I was born at Castle Thunder-ten-tronckh.

You don't say? says the German Colonel. So was I!

How extraordinary! says Sweezus.

Can this really be you? exclaims the German Colonel.

They fall back in amazement, embrace each other, and burst into tears.

Arthur likes this part, and the next part is even better........

Night Passage

Surfing-with-Whales and Gaius come back to their recliners.

Now to try and get some sleep, says Gaius.

He lifts his backpack off the recliner and shoves it underneath.

He picks up the vinegar bottle.

What are you doing with my herring? asks Terence.

He can go on the floor, says Gaius. I don't want him in my backpack leaking all over my notes.

He'll roll away! says Terence. Let me have him.

All right, says Gaius. 

He hands Terence the vinegar bottle and sits down on the recliner.

Teeth! says Gaius.

He pulls out his  backpack and starts to feel for his toothbrush.

Finds it, and heads off to the washroom.

Surfing-with-Whales looks up from the game he had started playing.

I've got Gloopy, says Terence. 

Is that what you're calling him? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Yes, says Terence. It's a good name. 

Yeah, he looks like a gloopy, says Surfing-with-Whales. And your shorts still smell bad, by the way.

Maybe someone should wash them, says Terence.

Like you, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Not me, says Terence. 

It sure won't be me, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Okay, says Terence.

Gaius comes back with clean teeth.

He checks his phone.

Ah! a missed call from Vello.

He calls Vello.

Gaius? says Vello. Are you expecting to be here by Thursday?

Yes, says Gaius. We're on the Spirit of Tasmania right now.

Excellent, says Vello. I'm still not sure about this AI version. It seems to have a mind of its own.

Surely not, says Gaius. Doesn't it do what it's told?

Not necessarily, says Vello. It seems to object to some parts of the script.

Example? says Gaius.

You know where you say 'He showed me how I was degrading myself by belonging to an Israelite?'

I do know, says Gaius.

Well it won't say it, says Vello.

Have you tried getting round it? asks Gaius. Or explaining the context?

Of course we have. says Vello. Sweezus is working on it. I just want to be certain you'll be there on the night, with your cushion.

I shall certainly try, says Gaius. By the way I've recently had feedback about the cushion.

Enlighten me, says Vello.

The chap in the bike hire shop in Devonport thought it was funny, says Gaius. He'd been to one of our past productions, and that was the part he remembered.

A detail! says Vello. And that's what he remembered!

He was there with his girlfriend, says Gaius. 

Herring Voice

It's seven pm.

The Spirit of Tasmania is crossing Bass Strait.

Terence is standing at the railing looking skywards.

You won't see him, says Gaius. 

I know, says Terence.

I'm going to have something to eat now, says Gaius. Are you coming?

Okay says Terence.

They go to the cafeteria, where Surfing-with-Whales is already eating.

What are you eating? asks Gaius. 

Cape Grim roast beef, says Surfing with-Whales.

Do you recommend it? asks Gaius.

No, says Surfing-with-Whales. You should order the pasta.

What can I have? asks Terence.

How about a red drink? asks Gaius.

Can I take it back to my recliner? asks Terence.

I don't see why not, says Gaius.

He orders the Farfalle pasta with alfredo sauce, and a red drink for Terence.

Terence takes his red drink back to his recliner.

His recliner is in between two other recliners, one of which holds Gaius's backpack and a vinegar bottle, the other Surfing-with-Whales' s backpack and the skateboard.

Terence relaxes on his recliner, sipping his drink.

The third baby skate ( sorry, herring)  relaxes as only the dead can, in his vinegar bottle.

This is an overnight trip, says Terence, to his herring. You can be on my recliner, if you like.

The herring continues relaxing.

But, says Terence, you might not want to be next to my skateboard.

The herring offers no opinion.

Because it might make you sad, says Terence.

If the herring was not dead, it would have to think about this. Would seeing the skateboad make him sad?

Who are you talking to? asks a little girl who has seen Terence and asked her parents if she can go and make friends with him.

My herring, says Terence. He's in this bottle.

What's his name? asks the little girl.

Gloopy, says Terence (which is a reasonable stab at clupea harengus).

Is he dead? asks the little girl.

Yes, says Terence. And he's on an adventure.

Hello Gloopy, says the little girl. Do you like your adventure?

I love my adventure, says Terence in a herring voice.

That was a good herring voice, says the little girl.

I'm an actor, says Terence. I'm going home to be in a play.

Is it a fish play? asks the little girl.

Why would it be a fish play? asks Terence.

Come along Molly! calls her mother. Time to sleep now!

Bye, says Molly.

Neigghhh! says Terence. 

A horse play! says Molly. 

Correct, says Terence. Bye!

Molly goes off, and Terence rolls over on his recliner to check on Gloopy.

Who seems okay.

Weird Play

Gaius pulls up outside Devonport Bike Hire.

Surfing-with-Whales is inside, talking to Damo.

Yeah, turns out the skates've got a bright future, says Surfing-with-Whales. That's if you believe the environment minister.

So you'll be heading home, says Damo.

Yep, says Surfing-with-Whales. Back to Adelaide, while the Fringe is still on.

Cool, says Damo. I went once. 

What did you go to? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Heaps of things, says Damo. Stand-up, mainly, and my girlfriend took me to see this weird play. 

My friends are in a weird play this year, says Surfing-with-Whales. 

No kidding? says Damo. 

Here they are now, says Surfing-with-Whales.

I've booked our tickets for tonight's crossing, says Gaius. 

I heard you're in a weird play, back in Adelaide, says Damo. 

Not too weird, I hope, says Gaius.

I'm in it, says Terence. I'm a horse, or I might be three horses. 

That is kind of weird, says Damo. What's the play called?

Candide, says Gaius. An excerpt. Using AI this time, which is why Terence can play all three horses.

That rings a bell, says Damo. Candide was the weird play I saw. There was this old lady in it with only one buttock. It was like she had a cushion under her skirt on one side, so on that side it looked massive, and on the other side it looked like she didn't have a bum cheek. Soldiers were meant to have eaten it.

That was I, says Gaius. I specialise in playing the old lady. This year I hope, thanks to AI, we'll be able to do away with the cushion.

It won't be as good, says Damo. The cushion was funny. 

I value your opinion, says Gaius. Now, how much do we owe you?

Call it two hundred, says Damo. Better check the bikes first though.

They go outside.

Looks fine, says Damo. How was the pullalong?

Good, says Terence. So was my skateboard. 

The one I gave you? says Damo.

Yes, the skates had a go on it, says Terence. They learned how to do tricks. But third baby skate had an accident because he was ......

Never mind that, says Gaius.

And now he's a herring, says Terence. 

Ha ha, laughs Damo. You should put that in your play.

Post-Life Adventure

By mid afternoon, they arrive in Devonport, in time to book seats on the ferry.

Gaius goes to the ticket office, with Terence.

Travelling with a vehicle? asks the booking officer.

No, says Gaius. We hired bikes. 

What about my skateboard? asks Terence.

No charge for a skateboard, says the booking officer. So, two adults and one child?

And one parrot and one baby skate, says Terence.

We don't need to pay for them, says Gaius.

Baby skate? says the booking officer. Not a maugean skate, I hope. 

Yes, says Terence.

No, says Gaius. It's more like a herring.

In a tin? asks the booking officer.

A bottle, says Gaius. It's a gift for my colleague's mother. He bought her some green peppercorn cheese, but we were obliged to eat it.

Mainland? asks the booking officer. That's a good cheese.

Indeed, says Gaius.

And what was that about a parrot? asks the booking officer.

It's an oystercatcher, not a parrot, says Gaius. It usually makes its own way.

All right, that will be three hundred and fifty seven dollars, says the booking officer. For two adults, one child and no extras.

Gaius pays.

Now to return the mountain bikes and the pullalong to Devonport Bike Hire.

You lied, says Terence, as Gaius lifts him into the pullalong. 

A white lie, says Gaius. Not entirely justified, but harmless.

What's a herring? asks Terence.

A clupea harengus, says Gaius.

Terence picks up the bottle containing the not entirely justified but harmless clupea harengus.

That's you now, says Terence.

The dead baby skate drifts up and down in the vinegar.

Enjoying his post-life adventure.

Not Cruel Disrespectful

An unchewed lump of watermelon flies out of Terence's mouth.

Roo-kai whacks him again.

Terence falls over.

Sorry, says Roo-kai. Just making sure everything came out.

Everything has come out, including the dead baby skate in Terence's pocket.

It lies on the ground, beside the unchewed lump of watermelon.

You might want to get rid of that, says Roo-kai.

No way, says Terence. It's having an adventure.

It's starting to smell, says Roo-kai.

That proves it, says Terence.

Gaius has been listening.

So has Surfing-with-Whales.

I think, says Gaius, we could say that the dead baby skate's adventure has ended.

No it hasn't, says Terence. He's only in Waratah.

What was his objective? asks Gaius.

To go on the ferry, says Terence.

Maybe we could preserve him, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Do we still have the vinegar? asks Gaius. If he's pickled, he'll be allowed on the ferry.

Are they joking or what?

No. Gaius is looking in his backpack for the vinegar.

The vinegar he used as a dressing for the lettuce, a few days ago.

He finds it. 

Pity we've got nothing to put him in, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Other than the vinegar bottle itself, says Gaius. I'll roll him up and force him inside it.

Roll him up? says Terence. That's cruel.

He's dead, says Gaius. It's not cruel, but it could be seen as disrepectful. The alternative is to leave him here, decomposing. Which do you choose?

Vinegar, says Terence.

So third baby skate is rolled up and forced into the vinegar bottle. Where he begins to unroll but succeeds only partially.

It's to do with the size of the bottle.

Terence is pleased with the outcome.

Now he has third baby skate in a bottle. Third baby skate will continue to enjoy his adventure.

And Terence's shorts won't get smellier.

Gaius and Surfing-with-Whales eat a few chocolate bicuits and hit the road again.

Next stop Devonport, and the ferry.

In His Sorrow

 Waratah. 

This is where we must part from Little Mystic, says Gaius.

After lunch, says Terence.

Yes, after lunch, says Gaius. Perhaps Roo-kai and Little Mystic would like to go off and find something to eat.

Okay, says Roo-kai. Come on, Little Mystic.

They go off.

Now what? asks Terence. 

We wait for Surfing-with-Whales to turn up, says Gaius.

At the waterfall, says Terence.

No, we'll wait here, says Gaius. I'm not dragging the pullalong up to the waterfall.

But he said the waterfall, says Terence.

He'll have to pass this spot first, says Gaius.

They wait.

What's that in your pocket? asks Gaius.

Nothing, says Terence.

Luckily Surfing-with-Whales comes along, with a whole watermelon under his arm. 

I see why you took so long, says Gaius. 

Yeah, says Surfing-with-Whales. It's a big one.

Is that our lunch? asks Gaius.

And some chocolate biscuits, says Surfing-with-Whales. 

Very nice, says Gaius. Shall we sit here? I don't fancy going all the way up to the waterfall.

Sure, says Surfing-with-Whales, getting off his bike and dropping the watermelon.

Gaius takes out a knife and starts hacking.

Guess what? says Terence. I got made into a horse.

When? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

In a video, says Terence. I might be three horses.

Sweezus has been working with AI, says Gaius. 

Good for him, says Surfing-with-Whales. Is he making you into anything?

The old lady I assume, says Gaius. He took a sample of my speech patterns.

The old lady should have her own speech patterns, says Surfing-with-Whales.

That's a good point, says Gaius. But I suppose he knows best.

Yeah right, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Gaius hands him a large slice of watermelon.

Can I have some? asks Terence.

I suppose so, says Gaius. It's as much a drink as a food. But chew it properly.

Yay! says Terence. 

Roo-kai comes back, without Little Mystic.

Where's Little Mystic? asks Terence.

He saw his dad, says Roo-kai.

Did he hide? asks Terence.

Yes, says Roo-kai. He did hide. And now I can't find him.

That's as good an outcome as any, says Gaius. We know Little Mystic can fend for himself. And this is his territory.

Boo, says Terence. And I've got no parrot.

In his sorrow, (if that's what it is), he forgets to chew his slice of watermelon properly

And starts choking. Chuah!

You've still got me, says Roo-kai, whacking him on the back with his wing.

 

Which Bit Is Me

Gaius has been pedalling all morning.

Surfing-with-Whales still hasn't caught up.

What can be keeping him? wonders Gaius. 

He stops to check his smart phone for messages.

There's one from Sweezus: CHECK THIS OUT!

It's a video. Sweezus has somehow turned Terence into a horse.

Look at this! says Gaius. It's your face but the rest of you looks like a horse.

Let's see, says Terence. Which bit is me?

The face, says Gaius. I wonder how he did it?

Does that mean I'm in it? asks Terence.

A version of you, says Gaius. They must be doing the scene where Candide, Cunegonde and the old lady escape on a horse.

One horse! says Terence. 

Three horses, says Gaius. 

With my face, says Terence.

What a vision, says Gaius. Now let me check this other message.

It's from Surfing-with-Whales: ON MY WAY.

Gaius texts back: WE'RE STOPPING IN WARATAH.

Surfing-with-Whales texts back: OKAY. MEET @ WATERFALL

Wonderful, says Gaius. We'll have our lunch there, assuming he's done the shopping.

He pedals on, thinking about the old lady, who has only one buttock, riding a horse. 

How have they played that scene in previous times?

They haven't. They've done it off stage, using coconuts.

AI offers a remarkable improvement.

Alarming Possibilities

Gaius gets back on his bike and starts pedalling.

He has left the wet blanket behind, at the side of the road.

He has left a note with it.

"Feel free to make use of this blanket".

Problem solved.

He hopes Surfing-with-Whales won't mind, after all, it was his blanket.

Surfing-with-Whales should have had his breakfast by now. He should have done the shopping, and be catching up shortly. Perhaps he'll spot the blanket. If he wants to pick it up, then he can....

Are we there yet? asks Terence.

Of course not, says Gaius. We're just passing through Zeehan. 

Are we stopping? asks Terence.

No, we'll keep going, says Gaius. We'll stop when Surfing-with-Whales catches up, hopefully by lunchtime.

Want me to fly back and see where he is? asks Roo-kai.

I could do it, says Little Mystic.

No, don't you do it, says Gaius.

Why can't he do it? asks Terence.

Because when we get to Waratah we'll be saying goodbye to Little Mystic, says Gaius.

Why? asks Terence.

Because Waratah is where Litle Mystic is from, says Gaius.

But Little Mystic's my parrot, says Terence.

A temporary parrot, says Gaius. We can't take him back to Adelaide on the ferry.

He could fly, says Terence.

Little Mystic looks alarmed by these possiblities.

Don't worry, whispers Terence. You're coming.

I heard that, says Gaius. He's not coming.

Roo-kai flies off, to see how far away Surfing-with-Whales is.

Gaius keeps going.

Little Mystic needs to return to his natural habitat, says Gaius over his shoulder.

Silence in the pullalong.

Like the maugean skates, says Gaius. 

Silence.

Terence fiddles with the dead baby skate in his pocket.

Deep Fake Or Me

They set off, on their bikes.

Gaius is pulling the pullalong, with Terence, Little Mystic and Roo-kai inside.

Surfing-with-Whales is in front.

Breakfast in Strahan? shouts Surfing-with-Whales, over his shoulder.

I've had breakfast! shouts Gaius.

I haven't! shouts Surfing-with-Whales.

Stop off then, and catch up later! shouts Gaius.

Okay! shouts Surfing-with-Whales.

And pick up some snacks! says Gaius. I'll reimburse you. 

No worries! shouts Surfing-with-Whales, pulling away.

Gaius keeps pedalling.

The pullalong seems heavy.

He slows down and stops.

What? asks Terence.

There seems to be extra weight in the pullalong, says Gaius.

No there isn't, says Terence.

The wet blanket, says Roo-kai. 

Aha! that will be it, says Gaius. I could ditch it, but that doesn't seem like a responsible action.

Try squeezing it out, says Roo-kai.

Hm, says Gaius.

He tries squeezing it out.

A few drops splash onto the road. But the wet blanket remains heavy

His phone rings.

It's Sweezus. 

Hello, Sweezus, says Gaius. You've caught me at an inopportune moment.

Just a quick one, says Sweezus. Can you send me a video of you doing something, and talking.

Whatever for? asks Gaius.

This AI thing, says Sweezus. I've got to make a deep fake of you.

But I'm coming, says Gaius. I'm on my way now, or would be but for this cursed blanket.

Yeah that's great, says Sweezus. Can you say that that again but on Facetime.

No, says Gaius. I need to squeeze out this blanket. I'll get Terence to do it.

He hands Terence his phone. 

Press Facetime, says Gaius.

Terence presses the button for Facetime.

Sweezus sees Terence's face peering at him.

Hey little buddy. What's been happening?

A baby skate died! says Terence. It was trying to escape on my skateboard and Surfing-with-Whales didn't know and he chucked it into the pullalong and it got squashed and died.

That's bad luck, says Sweezus. You guys were supposed to be, like, counting them weren't you?

We did, says Terence. We got up to twelve.

And now it's eleven, says Sweezus.

No it's still twelve, says Terence.

Okay, if you say so,  says Sweezus. But one's dead. Turn the camera on Gaius and tell him to say something.

Terence turns the camera on Gaius.

We can't count the dead one, says Gaius.

Cool, says Sweezus. Say some more stuff.

How does this AI thing work? asks Gaius.

I don't know, says Sweezus. But it's pretty amazing. 

That remains to be seen, says Gaius. Tell me, if I turn up in time, who plays the old lady, the deep fake or me?

Whichever one's better, says Sweezus.

Humph! snorts Gaius.

Only kidding, says Sweezus. Thanks Gaius! Thanks little buddy! See you guys soon.

That was lucky, says Terence. 

What was? asks Gaius.

He didn't ask what I had in my pocket, says Terence.

If Gaius was less concerned about the wet blanket, he might have suspected something at this point.

As Though He Is Sad

Wah! cries Terence. Something's stuck to my skateboard!

What is it? asks Gaius.

He comes over to look.

It's a little grey squashed thing.

Dear me! says Gaius. It's one of the baby skates.

Which one? asks Terence.

Hard to say, says Gaius. This is tragic. As well as an embarrassment.

He peels the little grey squashed thing from the bottom of the skateboard.

I bet it's third baby, says Terence. 

There's no way to tell , says Gaius.

He wanted to come with us, so he clasped onto the skateboard, says Terence.

What's up? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

We've found a squashed baby skate, says Gaius. Probably clinging to the bottom of the skateboard.

Fuck, says Surfing-with-Whales. And I chucked it into the pullalong. 

And he DIED! says Terence.

We'll bury him, says Gaius. Or should we just throw him back in?

Can't he come with us? asks Terence.

Of course not, says Gaius. This is his home.

He didn't like it, says Terence. He said it was boring. 

That will no longer concern him, says Gaius. 

So can he come with us? asks Terence.

No, says Gaius. But you can be the one who places him back in the water. Perhaps with an elegaic poem.

Okay, says Terence. Give him to me.

Gaius hands him the squashed third baby.

Terence walks down to the water.

Don't worry, says Terence to squashed third baby. I'm not throwing you in.

He stands at the water's edge, pretending to make up a poem.

What would it be, if he did?

A skate has died/ it wants an adventure/ and it's having one/ who cares if it's died?

This would be a very good poem for a skate that's not getting thrown in the water.

He turns sideways, in case Gaius and Surfing-with-Whales are watching. 

And shoves squashed third baby skate into his gecko shorts pocket.

He walks back slowly, as though he is sad.

All done? asks Gaius. 

Yes, says Terence. 

Then let's get going , says Gaius. If we leave now, we can make it to Devonport by this evening.

It's two hundred and twenty four ks! says Surfing-with-Whales.

Is that a problem? asks Gaius.

Guess not, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Gaius lifts Terence into the pullalong.

Little Mystic and Roo-kai are already in it.

Guess what? whispers Terence.

We know what you did, says Roo-kai.

Beware Of Bright Futures

Gaius, Terence and Surfing-with-Whales return to the campsite.

Surfing-with-Whales carries the skateboard under his arm.

He is thinking about other things, not the skateboard.

Like how much he's put on Lauren's bankcard. And how he and Gaius have eaten her green peppercorn cheese.

So he does not notice what's stuck to the skateboard.

He throws it into the pullalong.

Puuurrrfff!

Nor does he notice the sound.

I'll just make that phone call, says Gaius. Then we'll get going.

He calls Vello.

Hello? says Vello. That you, Gaius?

Yes it's me, says Gaius. I hear you're putting on a Fringe show.

Yes I am, says Vello. Candide, but with a difference.

Sounds interesting, says Gaius. 

I'd have asked you to play the old lady, but you were in Tassie, says Vello.

So who is playing the old lady? asks Gaius.

That's where the difference comes in, says Vello. AI.

AI? says Gaius. Is that someone's initials?

In a manner of speaking, says Vello. 

Surely you don't mean AI, says Gaius. How would that work?

Sweezus is organising it, says Vello. You'd have to ask him.

Are there any parts not cast yet? asks Gaius. Terence is interested.

There's always a part for Terence, says Vello. He was a great hit last year as the hand. And that other time when he played the bright red object. The audience loved him.

They rather liked me, as the old lady with only one buttock, says Gaius.

I know, I know, says Vello. Are you telling me you and Terence are available?

We could be, says Gaius. We're all finished here.

So you've counted the maugean skates? asks Vello. What was the damage?

Hard to say, says Gaius. We only saw twelve. But the official announcement by the environment minister spoke of a bright future.

Beware of bright futures, says Vello.

Indeed, says Gaius. 

Well, my friend, says Vello. If you get here in time, you're welcome to replace the AI.

Sure it won't mind? asks Gaius.

Ha ha! laughs Vello. That's the good thing about AI. And you don't have to pay it.

You don't pay us either, says Gaius.

That's different, says Vello. 

The calls ends on this amicable note.

Good news, Terence! says Gaius.

But Terence has climbed into the pullalong, and made a grim discovery.