Travelling with Women

I've got it, says Margaret. Except for dicendum.

Dicendum?  says Katherine.

The meaning is somewhat ambiguous, says Margaret.

Perhaps it was meant to be , says Katherine.

Margaret looks at Gaius.

Was it? asks Margaret.

What says your google translation? asks Gaius.

Although I prefer my own company, says Margaret, there is something to be said for travelling with women.

How nice, says Katherine. What about that is ambiguous?

Something REQUIRING to be said, says Margaret. What is it?

It is not requiring to be said, says Gaius.

Then why say it? asks Margaret.

A poetic observation, says Gaius.

Is this about the tomato sandwiches? asks Margaret.

Not at all, says Gaius. I shall buy something for myself in Balranald. I assume there'll be shops.

They may be closed, says Margraet.

I hope not, says Gaius.

Who won the competition? asks Terence.

Let's vote on it, says Katherine. Who votes for Terence?

I haven't composed mine yet, says Margaret.

I thought you weren't going to, says Katherine.

Well, I am, says Margaret. I feel I should join in.

Let's see who votes for me so far, says Terence.

I do, says Katherine.

I do, says Gaius. 

So Terence is in the hot seat, says Katherine.

Yikes! says Terence.

Everyone laughs, even Margaret, beacause no one expects she will win.

Where The Verbs Are

When may we expect to arrive in Balranald? asks Gaius.

About four o'clock, says Katherine. Why?

I was just feeling peckish, says Gaius.

You should have had a sandwich in Pinnaroo, says Margret.

I would have, says Gaius, but for the toxic contents.

Tomatoes are perfectly safe to consume, says Margaret.

Yes, think of the Mediterranean diet, says Katherine.

Or a red potato smoothie says Terence. They're good.

I don't doubt that, says Gaius.

Does that mean yes, says Terence.

Does what mean yes? asks Gaius.

I don't doubt that, says Terence.

It means I'm sure of it, says Gaius.

How's your poem going, Gaius, asks Katherine.

Nearly done, says Gaius. I'm just placing the verbs.

At the end I suppose, says Margaret.

Conventional, but  probably best, says Gaius.

Is it about the geological features we're passing? asks Margaret.

Or frogs? asks Terence.

Not at all, says Gaius.

Let's hear it, says Katherine. It won't matter to us where the verbs are.

Very well, says Gaius.

He begins:

Quamquam praefero/ Societatem meam/ Aliquid dicendum est/ De peregrinatione/ Cum feminis.

Silence.

 I told you no one would get it, says Terence.

Perhaps just as well, says Gaius.

What's a quamquam? asks Terence.

It means although, says Gaius.

That's in my poem! says Terence. Terence the Good/ He did not eat the potato/ Quamquam he could.

That's so clever, Terence, says Katherine. Isn't it, Margaret?

But Margaret is busy on her phone, google-translating Gaius's poem.

It seems straightforward, except for dicendum.

Why Hills Are A Line

They are still a long way from Balranald.

Gaius is snoozing.

Margaret is helping Katherine with her poem.

Calcareo-siliceous? says Margaret.

Not very poetic, says Katherine. I prefer rolling hills.

But what rhymes with hills? says Margaret.

The hills don't have to come at the end of a line, says Katherine.

Ha ha, laughs Terence. The hills ARE a line.

Terence's laughter rouses Gaius.

Umph! Huh! Are we there already? asks Gaius.

Not yet, says Katherine. Terence was explaining why hills are a line.

No I wasn't, says Terence.

Perhaps he was referring to the hilly skyline, says Gaius.

Yes, I was, says Terence.

I'm trying to work them into my poem, says Katherine.

How is it going? asks Gaius.

Along the grey road / Through rolling hills/ And man-made cuttings, says Katherine.

That's descriptive, says Gaius.

Past yellowing grasses/ And limestone deposits, says Katherine.

I suppose simpler is better, says Margaret.

On we go/ Waiting for an answer from Arthur/ Regarding something that we want to know, says Katherine.

Oh, well done Katherine, says Gaius. You've described our journey up to this very moment.

Does that mean she wins? asks Terence.

Not at all, says Katherine. Yours is still in the running.

I might try my luck too, says Gaius. If no one minds an offering in Latin.

Go for it, says Katherine.

Yes go for it, says Terence. You won't win in Latin.

Why not? asks Gaius.

No one'll get it, says Terence.

I will, says Margaret.

Gaius suspects Margaret will only know geological Latin.

And starts planning his poem accordingly.

With No Pencil

Now Terence has red stains on the back and the front of his costume.

Can we clean it? asks Terence.

No time, says Katherine. We'll clean it when we get to Balranald.

Take it off in the meantime, says Gaius.

He helps Terence take off his costume.

They climb into the back seat of Katherine's car.

Curses! says Gaius, as they drive along the A20.

What is it? asks Katherine.

Damn pencil, says Gaius.

Oops! says Terence.

Never mind, says Gaius. We'll remember to look for it when we get to Balranald.

That's two things, says Terence. Clean my costume and look for a pencil.

Three things, says Katherine. A coffee break and more sandwiches.

By the river, says Margaret.

That will be lovely, says Katherine.

What's in the rest of the sandwiches? asks Gaius.

Cheese and tomato, says Margaret. You'll have to pick out the tomato. 

You didn't happen to make any without tomato? asks Gaius.

No, says Margaret. Tomato adds moisture to the sandwich.

Making it delightfully soggy, says Katherine

Yes, tomato sandwiches tend to improve with the day, says Margaret.

Gaius sits back. He is not of like mind with these women.

Let's talk more about green and golden bell frogs, says Terence.

They are dull olive to emerald green, says Gaius. With brown to golden bronze blotches.

And a cream or yellow strip down the side, says Margaret.

You are knowledgeable, Margaret, says Katherine.

And they make up poems, says Terence. 

That is pure fantasy, says Margaret.

Not at all, says Gaius. The one for Saint Roley has been recorded. Arthur wrote it down.

He probably wrote it himself, says Margaret.

It isn't his style, says Gaius. It's definitely by the frogs. If only I could recall the whole poem.

Why don't you text Arthur, says Katherine. He'll have a copy.

Excellent idea, says Gaius. 

He sends Arthur a text.

Arthur, do you have a copy of the poem Saint Roley the Good?

Arthur is surfing at Middleton with Sweezus and does not see the text.

Nothing happens for five minutes.

I know! Let's have a poetry competition, says Terence.

Oh no! says Margaret. They're not really my thing.

I'll have a go, says Katherine. But I'll need some thinking time.

You go first, Terence, sasys Gaius. 

Terence doesn't need thinking time. 

Terence the Good/ did not eat the potato/ although he could, says Terence.

Very nice, Terence, says Katherine.

 If somewhat derivative, says Margaret.

Judging by these responses, Terence thinks he will probably win.

Red Potato Smoothie

Five kilometres to Pinnaroo, observes Katherine.

Good, says Gaius. This time I really must look for my pencil.

I'll remind you, says Terence.

Thank you, says Gaius.

I forgot last time, says Terence.

I know, says Gaius. But so did I.

They pass a sign with a smiling potato.

Look! says Terence. A smiling potato!

They grow potatoes out here, says Margaret.

Yay! says Terence. When we stop I'm going to put on my costume.

Good idea, says Katherine. People will admire your potatoes.

As he walks away, says Margaret. And only if they turn around.

I'll twizzle, says Terence.

No need to twizzle, says Gaius. Just put it on back to front. 

Terence sees at once that this is a very good idea.

Katherine pulls up at the Pinnaroo roadhouse.

They get out of the car.

Gaius helps Terence into his costume, with the potatoes at the front.

We'll try and clean the red line off the back while we're here, says Gaius.

They enter the roadhouse.

Margaret goes up to the counter. Three teas please, says Margaret.

Anything to eat?  asks the attendant.

No thank you, we've brought our own sandwiches, says Margaret.

The attendant notices Terence in his potato costume.

Hello young fellow, says the attendant. I like your costume.

I painted the potatoes myself, says Terence.

They are very realistic potatoes, says the attendant. And I ought to know. 

Are you a potato farmer? asks Katherine.

I am the daughter of a potato farmer, says the attendant.

Perhaps we should order some chips, says Margaret.

You won't be sorry, says the attendant.

 I might, says Terence. 

Can't you eat chips? asks the attendant.

No, says Terence. Only red drinks.

I could whip up a red potato smoothie, says the attendant. 

How wonderful! says Katherine.

So the attendant takes a container of pre-cooked mashed potato out of the fridge and proceeds to whizz it up into a smoothie.

When she has finished it is red, and quite runny.

How did you get it so red and runny? asks Margaret.

Added Ribena, says the attendant.

Woo! In Pinaroo they do creative things with potatoes.

He Did Not Eat Us

We'll stop for lunch in Pinnaroo, says Katherine.

Can I take my costume off? asks Terence.

You should have done it before we got started, says Margaret.

I'll assist you says Gaius.

Why now? asks Margaret.

Because it's got a red line down the front, says Terence.

The red drink? says Gaius.

Yes, says Terence. 

Gaius helps Terence out of his costume.

Where are you going to put it? asks Katherine.

I'll wedge it behind your seat, says Gaius.

Terence sits down.

Bumhole! says Terence.

What did I tell you? asks Katherine.

Not to say it, says Terence. 

Why did you say it? asks Margaret.

Because I can't see, says Terence. 

Margaret twists round in the passenger seat to see why Terence can't see.

The only thing you can't see is the back of Katherine's seat, says Margaret.

I could see more before, says Terence.

You were standing, says Gaius. I suppose you could stand and hold onto the top of the florin. 

Pretend that you're driving, says Katherine.

I'm not a BABY! says Terence.

Sorry, says Katherine. 

Look out of the window, says Margaret. You might see some fossils.

He'll need sharp eyes to see fossils, says Katherine.

What are fossils? asks Terence.

You know what fossils are, says Gaius. Kobo is a fossilised clam.

I wish she was here, says Terence

Why is that? asks Gaius.

I'd have someone to talk to, says Terence.

You can talk to me, says Gaius.

What about? asks Terence.

The green and golden bell frog, says Gaius.

Okay, says Terence. 

Did you know, says Gaius, that they are good at inventing on-the-spot poems?

What nonsense! says Margaret.

Not at all, says Gaius. I recall one that four green and golden bell frogs came up with several years ago for Saint Roley.

How did it go? asks Terence.

Saint Roley the Good! He did not eat us, although he could, says Gaius. 

How sweet! says Katherine.

I'm glad you think so, says Margaret.

Staring At You

 Katherine pulls up in Murray Bridge.

We'll stop here for a coffee, says Katherine.

And Gaius can look for his pencil, says Margaret.

After the coffee, says Gaius. Terence, remind me.

Remember to look for your pencil, says Terence.

After, says Gaius.

After, says Terence.

He is trying to stay out of trouble.

Gaius helps him out of the car.

They look for a café. 

Terence is finding it difficult to walk in his florin costume.

Katherine notices.

Perhaps you should take it off and leave it in the car, says Katherine.

Yes, people are staring at you, says Margaret.

Terence had not noticed that people were staring at him. 

He does now.

I'm keeping it on, says Terence.

A mother with a toddler comes towards them.

The toddler looks scared.

Hello kid, says Terence.

Uch-huh! goes the toddler.

Don't be scared, Tilly, says the mother. It's a child in an easter egg costume.

FLORIN! says Terence.

Tilly hides behind her mother.

Excuse us, says Margaret.

And us, says the mother. Come on, Tilly.

Tilly and her mother continue along Bridge Street to the shops.

Margaret has spotted a café. They go in.

Katherine orders three coffees and a red drink.

They have lovely cakes, says Katherine. Shall we share one?

Yes let's, says Margaret.

Gaius wonders if this includes him.

In any case, let them choose the cake.

He finds a seat and sits down with Terence.

Although Terence, of course, can't sit down, but must stand on his chair.

Aren't you tired of constantly standing? asks Gaius.

No, says Terence. Do I look like an Easter egg?

No, says Gaius. Easter eggs are not round.

Yes they are, says Terence.

Not with a flat front and back like a florin, says Gaius. 

Why did that lady think I was an Easter egg? asks Terence.

She probably didn't, says Gaius. She may have been trying to calm her young child with something familiar.

Because maybe they've got a dog that looks like an Easter egg, says Terence.

Gaius considers the wisdom of continuing with this line of thought.

He is relieved to see Katherine and Margaret approaching the table with cakes.

Died Out No Doubt

Are you all right in the back there? asks Katherine.

Yes! says Terence. 

You, Gaius? asks Katherine. 

I am, says Gaius. But I've realised my notes are in my backpack in the boot. When will we be stopping?

I can stop right now if you like, says Katherine.

No, don't do that, says Gaius. It will be good for me to simply relax and make light conversation.

Yes says Terence. And we can play Cannot But Be.

Not yet, says Gaius.

Okay, says Terence.

They are now at the Tollgate.

So it's frogs, Gaius, says Katherine.

The green and golden bell frog, says Gaius. 

In Canberra? says Katherine.

Yes, says Margaret. They disappeared from Canberra in the 1980s.

Where did they go? asks Terence.

Died out, no doubt, says Margaret.

Died out no doubt, repeats Terence. 

He likes it. It sounds like a poem.

They are being reintroduced, with certain protections, says Gaius.

How fascinating, says Katherine. 

Small salty ponds and warm hotspots, says Margaret.

Gaius is surprised that she knows.

Warm hotspots, says Terence.

You are being very attentive, Terence, says Katherine.

I know, says Terence. It's because I can't sit down.

You'll be happy soon, says Margaret. When we get beyond Mount Barker you'll have a great view of the geological features.

Yay! says Terence. What are they?

Rocky granite outcrops, says Margaret. 

I do love a rocky outcrop, says Katherine. Especially amongst rolling hills. When the grasses are dying.

I didn't know you were a romantic, says Margaret.

My Scottish background, says Katherine.

They pass through Mount Barker.

What about you, Gaius? says Margaret. Are you a romantic?

Gaius has a feeling that Margaret has steered the conversation this way on purpose. Geology, rocky outcrops etcetera. And Katherine has colluded with rolling hills, dying grasses.

What will he reply?

Errm.... begins Gaius.

What's a roomantic? asks Terence.

Ha ha! laughs Katherine A roomantic is an antic one might get up to in a room.

Very funny Katherine! says Margaret.

What's an antic? asks Terence.

A comical action, says Gaius. Such as your florin dance.

You danced in that florin costume? asks Katherine.

Yes, like this, says Terence. He jigs up and down.

But it's hard to reproduce the antic in a limited space, next to a stiff older person. 

A Bus Is More Sensible

Early next morning.

The doorbell rings.

Gaius opens. It's Terence and Belle.

We're here! says Terence. I brought my costume!

He wanted to wear it, says Belle. But I hear that you're travelling by car.

Are we? says Gaius. A bus would be more sensible.

Margaret organised it, says Belle. Isn't she here yet?

Not yet, says Gaius.

But then.

 Katherine's car pulls up in front of his house.

Margaret and Katherine get out.

Terence runs towards them.

Can I wear my costume in the car? asks Terence.

No dear, says Katherine. 

Bumhole! says Terence.

And I don't want to hear you say bumhole again, says Katherine.

Okay, says Terence. But can I bring it?

What? Oh the costume! says Katherine. Yes, if it fits in the boot

Here it is, says Belle. 

Margaret has opened the boot.

Can it be folded? asks Margaret.

NO! says Terence.

Is there room for my back pack? asks Gaius.

Stop fussing, says Katherine.

I wasn't fussing, says Gaius. I was unaware we'd be travelling by car, or even that Katherine was coming.

I am coming, says Katherine. After all it's my car.

It seems I have little choice in the matter, says Gaius. 

And me, says Terence. 

He is wriggling into his costume.

Climb in, says Belle. See if you can sit down.

Terence climbs in, with some help from behind.

But he cannot sit down.

I'll have to stand up, says Terence.

You can't stand up all the way to Canberra, says Margaret. 

I can, says Terence.

Let him try, says Katherine. He has strong legs, and he doesn't need a seat belt.

If you say so, says Margaret. Ready Gaius?

Gaius squeezes his backpack into the boot, between two suitcases, wedged behind a large esky.

Margaret shuts the boot.

Too late, Gaius wonders if he's remembered a pencil.

He climbs in beside Terence.

This is good, says Terence.

Yes, says Gaius.

Ready? says Katherine. Murray Bridge here we come.

Bye, everyone! calls Belle. Have fun!

We will, reply Katherine and Margaret.

Me too! shouts Terence.

The edge of the florin costume digs into Gaius.

Gaius affects a stoic expression.

Gracious Curses

What was that noise? asks Minnie.

Nothing, says Margaret. Now I'm going to call Gaius and tell him we're staying at your place.

When will you be arriving? asks Minnie.

Soon, says Margaret. I'll let you know.

Bye, then, says Minnie.

Bye, Minnie says Margaret.

Margaret calls Gaius who is at home packing.

Gaius, says Margaret, it's all right with Minnie.

What is? asks Gaius.

Staying at her house, says Margaret. Terence is welcome as well.

I've been thinking, says Gaius. I don't want to put your sister to any trouble.

You're not getting out of it, says Margaret. It's already arranged. Now when were you thinking of leaving?

As soon as possible, says Gaius.

Leave it to me, says Margaret. I'll be at your place first thing in the morning.

Curses! says Gaius

What's that? says Margaret.

Gracious! says Gaius.

It sounded more like curses, says Margaret.

A crackly line, says Gaius.

Bye, then, says Margaret.

Yay! says Terence. We're going!

That's lovely, says Belle. We'd better take you home so that you can get ready.

I am ready, says Terence. I only need my costume.

The florin costume? says Belle.

I want to show it to Minnie, says Terence.

It might be hard to pack, says Belle.

I can wear it, says Terence.

Okay, says Belle. I'd better ask Margaret how you'll be travelling.

Margaret is on her phone trying to book flights to Canberra.

But the flights are all full.

She calls a friend from the Geological Society.

The friend is not happy. It's late.

Furthermore she does not want to go on a field trip to Canberra.

And she doesn't like frogs.

Not to mention the cost of the petrol.

So Margaret calls Katherine.

Margaret! says Katherine. Where are you?

In the artists' bar, says Margaret. Trying to tee up a ride to Canberra first thing in the morning. I'm going with Gaius and Terence.

What fun! says Katherine.

Yes, says Margaret. Gaius seems really keen

Does he? says Katherine. Has he said so?

Of course he's said so, says Margaret. 

I'm at a loose end, says Katherine. We could drive there together in my car. Go thirds in the petrol. I can do some sightseeing.

Perfect! says Margaret.

It would seem so.

Perhaps less so to Gaius.

He Blows It

Say hello to my sister Minnie, says Margaret.

Without blowing? says Terence.

Just say it, says Margaret.

Hello Minnie, says Terence.

Hello Terence, says Minnie. I hear Margaret wants to bring you to Canberra.

Yes, says Terence. 

Tell me about yourself, says Minnie.

I used to live on a palace, says Terence.

People don't live ON palaces, they live IN them, says Minnie.

Some people do, says Terence. And they come and go.

I suppose they do, says Minnie. And why are you in the artists' bar with Margaret? Were you in the play?

Yes, says Terence, I was a florin. I had to wear a costume.

Goodness, says Minnie. Was it round?

Yes, says Terence. And it had a front and a back that were different.

What was on the front? asks Minnie.

A flower de lee, says Terence. And on the back, two potatoes.

I should like to see them, says Minnie. 

I'll bring my costume, says Terence. I can wear it to sneak up on frogs.

Frogs! says Minnie. There are no frogs at my house.

That's okay, says Terence. We're going to find some.

Margaret didn't mention frogs, says Minnie. 

Only me, says Terence.

Yes, only you, says Minnie. I shall be happy to meet you. You seem like a nice little boy.

So do you, says Terence.

Thank you! laughs Minnie. Don't forget your costume!

Okay, says Terence.

Yay! He didn't blow it with Minnie.

But she was so friendly, she probably wouldn't have minded.

He's tempted to see.

He blows loudly, down the phone.

Phphrrrrt!

And hands the phone back to Margaret.

Don't Blow It

It's a bit late to call Minnie.

But Margaret calls her anyway.

Margaret? says Minnie. What's the matter?

Nothing's the matter, says Margaret. 

Then why are you calling so late, and what's all that fracas?

Fracas? says Margaret. I'm in the artists' bar at the Fringe.

I don't believe you, says Minnie. 

I've been helping out with a production of Candide, says Margaret.

Isn't that a musical? asks Minnie. You hate musicals.

This wasn't a musical version, says Margaret, it was an excerpt. And I lent them our geological society umbrellas and handed out seeds.

That doesn't sound like the Candide I remember, says Minnie.

You are behind the times, says Margaret. But that's not what I rang for.

Good, says Minnie. What then?

I'm planning on coming for a visit, and bringing a gentleman friend, says Margaret. 

A gentleman friend? says Minnie. Who is it?

It's Gaius, says Margaret. I may have mentioned him, a few years ago.

The natural historian? says Minnie. 

That's him, says Margaret. What do you say?

Good for you, says Minnie. Better late than never. What shall I give him for breakfast?

I don't think he's fussy, says Margaret.

Yes but .... says Minnie.

I'll ask him, and let you know, says Margaret. Oh, and would you mind if I also brought a young lad called Terence?

That's me! shouts Terence.

How young is this lad? asks Minnie. 

Not as young as he looks, says Margaret. And he won't be any trouble.

Was that his voice I heard? asks Minnie.

Yes, says Margaret.

Let me speak to him, says Minnie.

All right, says Margaret.

She hands Terence the phone.

Don't blow it, says Margaret.

Which is not an expression he knows

Shitty Fungus

Henriette, Gaius and Denis drink their hot chocolate.

Gaius looks thoughtful.

What are you thinking? Henriette.

I prefer not to stay with Margaret and her sister, says Gaius.

So tell them, says Denis.

Margaret thinks I'm keen, says Gaius.

How do you know? asks Henriette.

I was talking to Arthur, but she thought I was talking to her, says Gaius.

Just now? asks Denis. How did that happen?

Arthur must have handed his phone to her as I was talking, says Gaius.

How awful, says Henriette. Looks like you're stuck with the sisters.

Look on the bright side, says Denis.

Which is, says Gaius. 

A comfortable bed free of charge, says Denis. Probably a hot breakfast before you set out. The three of you, looking for frogs. Margaret being an expert, and a good chance her sister is too. And even if she isn't, she'll have local knowledge.

Yes, that's all very  well, says Gaius. But I prefer camping, and I'm well-informed about frogs.

Of course you are, says Henriette. Perhaps you should tell them.

Hum, says Gaius.

He should tell them. But how?

.....

In the artists' bar, Margaret gives Arthur his phone.

Thanks, says Arthur. 

We're going to Canberra, says Margaret.

We? says Arthur.

Gaius and I, says Margaret.

Oh are you? says Belle. How lovely. 

Am I going? asks Terence.

Do you want to go? asks Belle. 

Yes, says Terence, I know all about frogs.

Is that so? says Margaret. 

Yes, says Terence. They have different tattoos. And get shitty fungus.

Shitty fungus? says Margaret. I suppose you mean chytrid fungus.

I suppose I mean shitty fungus, says Terence. 

Ha ha, laughs Vello. Terence knows what he means.

He does NOT, says Margaret. And he won't get on well with my sister.

Yes I will, says Terence. She'll love me.

Not if you're rude, says Margaret.

Does that mean I'm coming?  asks Terence. 

Everyone waits for the answer. 

I'll need to ask Minnie, says Margaret.

Minnie. That must be her sister.

Nothing Wrong With Women

The artists' bar is still buzzing.

But it's getting late for some people.

I should think about going, says Gaius.

Me too, says Denis. 

I'll come with you, says Ageless. 

Do I have to go? asks Terence.

You can stay a bit longer and come home with me, says Belle.

Yay! says Terence.

Gaius, Denis and Ageless make their way to the exit.

You're a lucky devil, says Denis.

I hardly think so, says Gaius. 

Margaret, says Denis. Knowing all about frogs, and having that sister.

She tends to be interfering, says Gaius. I can do without her assistance.

Women, says Ageless.

Nothing wrong with women, says Denis. 

Didn't say there was, says Ageless. It was your Henriette who encouraged me to go for the part of Candide.

She did? says Denis. What did she say exactly?

She said she'd pay good money to see me in the role, says Ageless.

I wonder if she did, says Gaius. 

She did, says Ageless I heard her.

 I meant, did she attend the performance? says Gaius.

Didn't see her, says Denis.

She may have left early, says Gaius.

They catch the bus home.

They arrive at Gaius's house.

Henriette is in the kitchen, talking to Kobo.

Me too, Kobo is saying.

Henriette looks up. 

We both hate Q and As, says Henriette. 

Were you at the performance? asks Denis.

Yes, says Henriette. Is it always like that?

Did you find it confusing? asks Gaius.

Not me, says Henriette. I knew about Denis's ankle. How is it, Denis?

Improving, says Denis.

Would you like a hot chocolate? asks Henriette.

I don't think you'll find ingredients for hot chocolate in my house, says Gaius.

Door Dash, says Henriette.

What's that? asks Gaius. 

Someone brings it, says Henriette. Do you want one?

Err...yes please, says Gaius. And then I must pack.

Now? asks Henriette.

Yes now, says Gaius.

He's going to Canberra to check out some frogs, says Denis.

And the sooner the better, says Gaius. I must call Arthur.

He calls Arthur, who is still in the artists' bar, drinking.

What? says Arthur.

Canberra, says Gaius. I'm leaving first thing in the morning.

Where? asks Arthur.

What kind of question is that? says Gaius. Canberra. You must know where that is. Is Margaret still there?

Arthur hands his phone over to Margaret, who is still there.

Because I'd like you to come with me, says Gaius, and I want us to leave ASAP.

You are keen, Gaius! says Margaret. Of course I'll need to tee it up with my sister, but worst case scenario, we can check into a hotel together. 

Gaius is now sorry he called Arthur.

Although he couldn't have known this would happen.

Ding Dong! It's Door Dash.

That was quick.

Three hot chocolates have arrived.

A Spineless Reply

Where where you? asks Gaius.

Getting feedback, says Terence.

Spit it out, says Vello.

They loved me, says Terence. My dance and my socks and my potatoes.

Who is they? asks Vello.

The person who got the last of the seeds, says Ageless. I received feedback as well.

Which was? says Vello.

Perhaps I shouldn't say, says Ageless.

Rubbish, says Vello. Good or bad, we need to hear it.

All right, says Ageless, but Denis might not like it.

I'll live with it, says Denis. 

They said I was good as Candide, says Ageless.

I'm glad they thought so, says Vello. Did they mention Denis?

They said we could have done without him, says Ageless.

They were probably confused, says Belle.

No, we could have done without him, says Vello. But his name was on the flier, and he is well known. Whereas Ageless isn't.

I am now, says Ageless.

Perhaps we'll find a part for you next year, says Vello.

Candide? asks Ageless. 

Hey, says Sweezus. I'm playing Candide next year.

And I won't be here, says Denis.

Plans? asks Gaius.

Plans, says Denis. I'm returning to France. 

I was hoping you might accompany me on my next venture, says Gaius.

Desolé, says Denis.

Margaret has been listening. 

What is your next venture Gaius? asks Margaret.

I plan to journey to Canberra to see first hand the work being done to preserve the green and gold bell frog, says Gaius.

Can I be the frog guy? asks Terence.

Perhaps, says Gaius. I might just ask Arthur.

Arthur hasn't been listening. If he had he would not want to go.

But if he had heard Margaret asking he might have agreed to go anyway. 

To prevent the next thing from happening.

Canberra! says Margaret. I have a sister there!  You can stay with her. And I'll come too, of course. Perhaps I can make myself useful, I'm quite knowledgeable about frogs.

Oh, are you? says Gaius. 

A spineless reply.

Distractions

 Ageless and Terence go back to the artists' bar.

You can't go in there, says the bouncer.

I was already in there, says Terence. 

I don't think so, says the bouncer.

And so was Ageless, says Terence.

The bouncer looks at Ageless.

Show us your pass, says the bouncer.

I don't have one, says Ageless. 

No pass, no entry, says the bouncer.

We were in a show, says Terence.

So you should have got passes, says the bouncer.

Mine's in there, says Terence.

I've got nowhere to put one, says Ageless.

What about that beanie? asks the bouncer.

This beanie? says Ageless.

He pokes Terence. 

The poke means: I'll distract him while you run inside.

But will Terence know this?

Ouch! says Terence. You poked me.

He would have been signalling you to run inside while I was distracted, says the bouncer.

Curses! says Ageless. 

I know all the tricks, says the bouncer.

Belle comes to the entrance, having realised that Terence was missing.

Ah, there you are Terence! And Ageless! We were wondering where you'd got to.

You know these characters? says the bouncer.

Of course I do, says Belle. This is Ageless lobster who played Candide in our play.

And who am I? prompts Terence.

And this is Terence who was in it as well, says Belle.

He's underage, says the bouncer.

He actually isn't, says Belle. 

I'm two thousand years old, says Terence.

No you aren't, says Belle. But you're as old as the Sagrada Famiglia.

I know, says Terence.

And his pass is inside, says Belle. I can get it.

Okay, what about the lobster? says the bouncer.

He can't wear a lanyard, says Belle. No neck.

That's true, thinks the bouncer. No neck, no lanyard, no pass. I'll take her word that he's an artist. And the kid's as old as whatever that thing was she mentioned.

Also the queue of artists waiting to get into the artists' bar has grown longer.

So he lets them go in.

No Need For The Other Guy

And what's Terence's idea?

It's to go back to the tree and get feedback.

From anyone but the person who said they loved Hedley.

He sneaks out of the artists' bar while no one is looking.

Outside the artists' bar he sees Ageless, trying to get in.

Terence! says Ageless.

What? asks Terence.

Were you in there? asks Ageless.

Yes, says Terence. But I had an idea.

How about helping me get in, before you go off and do it, says Ageless.

No, I have to hurry, says Terence.

I'll come with you, says Ageless. Where are you going?

Follow me, says Terence.

Ageless follows Terence back to the tree.

There are only two queue members there now.

And one is the one who loved Hedley.

Too late, says Terence.

What for? asks Ageless.

Feedback, says Terence. 

It's not too late, says Ageless.

Ageless sidles up to the two queue members.

The one who loved Hedley is pouring seeds into a torn piece of paper, held by the other.

I may as well have all of them, says the other.

But there may be a latecomer, says the one who loved Hedley.

Hello, says Ageless. Remember me?

A latecomer! What did I tell you? says the one who loved Hedley.

That's not a latecomer, says the other. That's the lobster Candide.

And me, says Terence.

Yes, you played the florin, says the the other queue member.

Yes! says Terence. Did you love me?

I did, says the other. You did that dance. And you had yellow socks on. And when you turned round we could see the potatoes.

I know, says Terence. AND I was the hingeman.

With the mechanical grabber, says Ageless. 

I thought so, because of the socks, says the other. That role would have been quite demanding.

True, says the one who loved Hedley. It was all in the timing.

Yes, it was, says Ageless. He did a good job. And what did you think about me?

You were great. They didn't need the other guy, says the one who loved Hedley.

What excellent feedback.

Well, thanks for the feedback, says Ageless. We're off to the artists' bar now.

I'm going to help him get in, says Terence.

Ageless is annoyed, but gets over it quickly.

They Should Have Loved Me

Under the tree is a table, and a small plastic chair.

Belle places the bowl of seeds on the table.

Where's the teaspoon? asks Belle.

Terence took it with him when he went to look for Gaius, says Margaret.

So it's lost, says Belle. Never mind, Terence.  Put the paper towels on the table.

Terence does that.

Now do we get our free seeds? asks a dwindled queue member.

Yes, says Belle. Can we leave you in charge?

Me? says the queue member.

Yes, says Belle. 

How am I supposed to give out the seeds without a teaspoon? asks the queue member.

Make small cones with the papers, and tip the seeds in, says Belle.

Then twist the top, says Margaret.

Yes, then twist the top, says Belle.

Yes, says Terence.

Shall I wait here? asks Margaret.

No, says Belle. Come to the artists' bar with me and Terence. You deserve a free beer.

What about the bowl? asks Margaret.

We'll leave it here on the table, says the queue member. Great show, by the way.

Thank you, says Belle.

I loved the girl of easy virtue, says the queue member.

That was HEDLEY! says Terence.

Come on, says Belle.

She and Margaret and Terence head off to the artists' bar.

The others are on their third beer.

Margaret! says Gaius. Have you come for your umbrellas?

Yes, says Margaret. And I didn't appreciate being left behind with the seeds.

A security guard came and told her to move, says Belle. Where's that drink I left with you, Sweezie?

Drank it, says Sweezus. I'll get you another.

Well, Margaret, did you receive any feedback? asks Vello.

Someone said they loved the girl of easy virtue, says Margaret.

Boo! says Terence. They should have loved me.

I'm sure they loved you as well, says Belle.

I don't think they loved ME, says Denis.

Too old, says Vello. We'll get Sweezus to play Candide next year.

Maybe they didn't know it was me, says Terence.

They knew, says Belle. If we'd stayed, I bet someone would have said so.

Sweezus comes back with a fresh beer for Belle and one for Margaret.

Terence gets nothing.

Except an idea.

Go To The Tree

Terence is looking for Arthur.

He walks towards the food stalls.

There is Arthur coming towards him, eating a bao bun.

I'm coming to look for you, says Terence.

You found me, says Arthur.

You were meant to be finding paper towels, says Terence.

I had to buy something first, says Arthur. 

He shows Terence a wad of paper towels.

That's not enough, says Terence.

They can be torn into smaller pieces, says Arthur. That can be your job.

Yay! says Terence. Give them to me.

Arthur gives Terence the wad of paper towels.

Terence runs back to the Piglet exit.

Arthur decides he is no longer needed and heads to the artists' bar.

Vello, Denis, Sweezus and Belle are already there.

What took you so long, bro? asks Sweezus.

Had to find some paper towels for Margaret, says Arthur.

Don't tell me she's wiping the seats! says Vello. 

No, says Arthur. She wrapping the free seeds so they don't stick to people's hands.

What a fuss pot, says Vello. Has she finished?

Don't know, says Arthur. I gave Terence the towels to take back to Margaret.

You let him go back on his own! says Belle.

He came to find me on his own, says Arthur.

I'm going to make sure he got there, says Belle. Hold my beer.

She gives it to Sweezus, and goes.

He'll be all right, says Arthur.

Yeah he will, says Sweezus. He's got perfect balance.

I don't see how perfect balance gives you sense of direction, says Denis.

I do, says Vello.

Denis rethinks his statement.

In sense, it does, says Denis. 

Yeah, says Sweezus. 

Belle will find him, says Vello.

Belle is passing the food stalls when she bumps into Gaius, holding several umbrellas.

I'm looking for Terence, says Belle.

He went that way, says Gaius, pointing towards the Piglet.

How come you've got all those umbrellas? asks Belle.

People got tired of waiting for seeds and left with the umbrellas, says Gaius.

Poor Margaret, says Belle.

She heads for the Piglet exit.

The queue has dwindled.

Terence is sitting on the ground tearing paper towels into smaller paper towels.

A security guard has arrived and is talking to Margaret.

What's happening? asks Belle.

This security guard is telling me to move on, says Margaret.

Where are the seeds? asks Belle.

Here, says Terence.

Right, says Belle. Bring them, and the papers, we're leaving. 

Okay, says Terence.

Come on Margaret. Gaius has your umbrellas, says Belle.

What about us? ask the dwindled queue members.

Go to that tree over there, says Belle.

The dwindled queue members have little choice but to go to the tree.

Godsend Or Not

Why doesn't she go?

Terence looks up at the person.

It's Margaret, in a rain hat.

I'll stand here and collect the umbrellas, says Margaret.

That means I can go, says Arthur.

Yes, go and get something for people to carry their free seeds in, says Margaret. 

Like what? asks Arthur.

Paper towels, says Margaret. Or something like that.

Arthur goes off, to look for paper towels or something like that.

Umbrellas here, please! says Margaret, in a loud voice.

Free seeds! says Terence.

You should've left them in the packet, says a person from Bunnings.

Why? asks Terence.

That's how to transport seeds, says the person from Bunnings.

There wouldn't have been enough, says Margaret. Anyone can see that. If you wait here, Arthur will return with some paper towels.

The queue is not moving, because Arthur has not come back yet.

He is looking at the food stalls. Yiros, gozléme, burgers, bao buns, dumplings, noodles... all have paper towels on the counter. 

He orders two bao buns.

Now he must wait.

Back at the Piglet, Margaret has divided the queue into two separate lines.

One for returning umbrellas, one for free seeds.

The umbrella queue should now move forward.

But doesn't.

If we go now we won't get our free seeds, says one of the people with a borrowed Geological Society umbrella.

You can rejoin the queue, says Margaret.

But then I won't have an umbrella, says the person.

It's not raining, says Margaret.

But it might, says the person.

A bit of rain won't hurt you, says Margaret.

Then why does the Geological Society have umbrellas? asks the person.

Terence, says Margaret, go and see if Arthur is coming.

Okay, says Terence.

He goes, taking the teaspoon.

Gaius comes to the exit to see what's causing the holdup.

Oh, hello Margaret, says Gaius. Where are Arthur and Terence?

Athur went to get paper towels and I sent Terence to find him, says Margaret.

It's unwise to send Terence to find anyone, says Gaius. And why paper towels?

For these seeds, says Margaret. Look, this is what happens when they're poured into your hand from a teaspoon.

She shows him her hand. Wet seeds are stuck to the palm.

We know that, says the Bunnings person. That's why we dont sell them that way.

Well, you know best, at Bunnings,  says Margaret. But these are free seeds.

Indeed, says Gaius, it seems we must all be patient.

Either that or give up. 

Which some people have.

The queue has grown shorter.

I'm missing some umbrellas, says Margaret.

I shall go and find them, says Gaius. They'll be easy to spot.

Thank you Gaius. You're a godsend, says Margaret.

Gaius goes off to look for people with Geological Society umbrellas, godsend or not.

She Does Not Go

Now, if there are no more questions.... says Vello.

I've got a question for Candide, calls an audience member.

Denis hobbles forward.

What is your question? asks Denis.

How did you injure your ankle? asks the audience member.

I fell off the desk during rehearsals, says Denis.

Aren't you too old to play Candide? asks the audience member.

Hence the red knitted beanie, says Denis.

Young people don't go round in red knitted beanies, says the audience member.

I beg to differ, says Denis.

And they don't fall of desks and injure their ankles, says the audience member.

Crash! 

Terence has just fallen off one of the desks at the back of the stage.

And it wasn't his fault. Gaius has misjudged the length of the mechanical grabber in attempting to restrain him.

Wah! cries Terence.

There, you see, says Denis. A young person is just as likely to fall off a desk as an older one.

Wah! cries Terence, again.

Terence, says Vello, will you help our sailor to give out the seeds?

Sniff! sniffs Terence.

But yes, he wants to. 

Please remain seated while the sailor and Terence go to the exit, says Vello. And may your seeds flourish in your respective gardens, and remind you of what is important.

The audience claps in their seats.

Arthur and Terence have already made their way to the exit.

The audience members form a queue.

The seeds have been tipped into a bowl.

Terence has been given a teaspoon.

What are we supposed to carry our seeds in? asks the first person.

Up to you, says Arthur. 

Terence dips his teaspoon into the bowl.

The first person holds out their hand.

Terence tips the contents of the teaspoon into it.

Thank you dear, says the first person.

But she does not go.

The Irony Of Balance

What do the potatoes represent? 

What does represent mean? 

Vello suspects Terence doesn't know.

Do the potatoes STAND for something? prompts Vello.

Potatoes can't stand, says Terence. They roll over.

Can you explain why they're on the back of the florin? asks Vello.

Yes, says Terence.

Go on then, says Vello.

But Terence has thought of something funny.

He cracks a big smile.

What's so funny? asks the original questionner.

Potatoes don't have perfect balance, says Terence.

So what? says the questionner.

I do, says Terence.

And? says the questionner.

I got it from Saint Maclou and Saint Méen, says Terence. 

Who are they when they're at home? asks the questionner.

Two saints, says Terence. 

Have they got anything to do with potatoes? asks the questionner.

YES! says Terence. 

And what might that be? asks the questionner.

They eat them all the time, says Terence. 

This is not the answer the questionner had expected.

Perhaps something more mystical.

Show us your perfect balance! calls another audience member.

He's got grips on the bottom of his socks! calls another audience member.

Show's over, says Vello. Please thank Terence for sharing his story.

Loud clapping. 

Terence takes off his yellow socks and looks for something high to balance on.

Gaius looks for the mechanical grabber.

Representations

So Arthur recites his unsuitable poem: Climbing the Hill.

Hot knees pounding, heat grinding sinews to sludge.....

and so on

The audience loves it. 

Yes!

The Tour Down Under! How hot it was then. And wasn't he one of the riders?

Any questions for the sailor? asks Vello.

Were you in the Tour Down Under? asks a friend of Hedley's mother.

Most of us were, says the sailor.

Including myself, says Vello.

And when do we get the free seeds? asks someone from Bunnings.

You have spoilt the surprise, says Vello. For that you must stay till the end. Are there any more questions?

Terence has been waiting for someone to ask him a question.

Yes, says Terence. 

The audience laughs.

I have one, says someone. If the Anabaptist gave the florin to Candide, how come the Anabaptist still had the florin?

So everyone could see the potatoes, says Terence.

But Candide should have had it, says the person who asked the question.

He spent it, says Terence.

So he used it to buy something from the Anabaptist? says the person. 

Why? asks Terence.

Because the Anabaptist got it back, says the person.

Yes, says Terence. That's why I was dancing.

Sweezus steps forward, thinking a further explanation is needed.

The Anabaptist is rich, and the florin represents all of his florins, says Sweezus.

So he gave them all to Candide, says the person.

No, says Sweezus. Just a couple. 

So he didn't get them back, says the person.

We only have a limited number of actors, says Sweezus.

Fair enough, says the person. Can I ask another question?

No, says Vello. Has anyone else got a question?

What about the potatoes? yells someone.

Terence can answer that one, says Vello. Can't you Terence?

I could if I knew the question, says Terence.

Why were there two weeping potatoes on the back of the florin? asks the person.

They got wet, says Terence. 

But why potatoes? persists the questionner.

I think the questionner means what do the potatoes represent, if anything, says Vello.

Oh, says Terence. 

What Is The Truth?

Ageless is silent.

Be honest, says Vello.

But what is the truth?

Ageless had only wanted to be on the stage a bit longer.

So what was the question? asks Ageless.

Why were there two Candides on stage at once? asks the person who asked the question the first time.

I'll leave that for you to interpret, says Ageless.

What's the point of a Q and A then? asks the person.

All right, says Ageless. You could say I was portraying Candide's alter ego.

By warning the sailor of danger? asks the person.

Exactly, says Ageless. Candide has been injured by flying splinters. But had he not been, he would have said what he said to the sailor.

Was it part of the script? asks the person.

No, it wasn't, says Vello. 

Would it have been if you'd thought of it? asks the person.

No, it wouldn't, says Vello. But I don't mind if my actors ad lib occasionally. Does that answer your question?

No, says the person. What about when the lobster Candide brings the human Candide a bottle of water?

What about it? asks Ageless. 

Alter egos don't give themselves bottles of water, says the person.

Have you got one? asks Ageless.

A bottle of water? asks the person.

An alter ego, says Ageless.

Are you suggesting I don't know what alter egos can and can't do? asks the person.

That will do, says Vello. We've spent enough time on that question. Any more questions?

Yes, a question for the girl of easy virtue, says an audience member.

Hedley steps forward.

What school is that tie from? asks the person.

Saint Peters, says Hedley.

Did you obtain permission? asks the person.

Yes, says Hedley.

From the school? asks the person.

No, says Hedley. 

Don't you think its a bit rich playing a girl of easy virtue in a Saint Peters tie? asks the person.

Hedley peers at the person. Shit! It's the principal. Think, Hedley!

The sailor steps forward.

I made him do it, says the sailor. The tie is a symbol of intellectual curiosity. Which is why his character is interested in Coleridge's poetry, and mine for that matter.

The principal is charmed. Why wouldn't he be? 

Will you give us a rendition of your poem? asks the principal.

Sure, says the sailor.

Hedley steps back, having dodged a bullet.

Where Was Who Going?

Everything goes dark on the stage.

It it a power. cut?

No. There are tiny lights in the trees. 

The Ferris wheel over there appears to be working.

The stage lights come back on.

The cast appears, smiling and bowing, including the lobster.

Vello enters.

There will now be a short Q and A, says Vello. I hope you will stay, in spite of the drizzle.

When do we get our free torches? calls someone.

We won't be handing out free torches, says Vello. They weren't needed, so they'll go back to Bunnings.

Can we keep the umbrellas? asks another person.

Margaret is alarmed. 

No! says Margaret. The umbrellas are the property of the Geological Society. I'll be collecting them later.

Several audience members stand up. No free stuff. So they're leaving.

However, adds Vello, the sailor may have a surprise for those of you who are staying.

Those audience members sit down again. 

Squelch! Their seats have got wet.

Now, says Vello, any questions regarding the play?

Where were they going? asks someone.

Who going? asks Vello.  And when?

At the end, says the someone. When Pangloss got grabbed by the florin.

That wasn't the florin, says Vello. That was the Inquisitor's henchman.

You could see his yellow socks, says the someone.

None the less, no one has ever been marched off by a florin, says Vello.

Okay, says the someone. So where were they going?

To be questioned, arrested and detained, says Vello. Then, forced to participate in an auto da fé. Any more questions?

Why were there two Candides after the drowning? asks someone from Bunnings.

Good spotting, says Vello. Yes, there were two Candides on stage at the same time.

But why? asks the person from Bunnings.

I shall let the lobster explain that , says Vello. Step forward, Ageless.

Ageless steps forward. 

He wears the red knitted beanie. But has regained his own face.

The audience is expectant.

What will he say?

Ageless is asking himself the same question.

Dinner In The Ruins

Vello comes on again.

Dinner in the ruins, says Vello.

Both of the desks are now upright.

Several figures appear round the makeshift table.

Candide, Pangloss, a stranger in a dark cloak, two citizens in rags, and two smaller people. 

The smaller people are wearing oversize jumpers and beanies.

One wears yellow socks.

That's the florin! whispers an audience member to her companion. I remember those socks.

The characters on stage are eating sadly.

Cheer up citizens, says Pangloss. Things could not be otherwise than they are. So everything that happens must be for the best.

The stranger in the dark cloak stops eating.

It appears, sir, that you do not believe in original sin. For if all is for the best there can be no such thing as the Fall of Man and Eternal Punishment.

Now? says the smaller person in the yellow socks.

Not yet, says the stranger.

I beg your Excellency's pardon, says Pangloss, but I must point out that the fall of Man and Eternal Punishment are of Necessity part of the best of all possible worlds.

Now, says the stranger.

The smaller person in the yellow socks extracts a mechanical grabber from under his jumper.

He uses the grabber to lift up a jug.

The stranger holds a glass out. 

Then you do not believe in Free Will, sir, says the stranger.

Excuse me, says Pangloss. Free Will is consistent with Absolute Necessity. For the Will that is Determined.....

The stranger nods at Yellow Socks.

Yellow Socks stops pouring. 

He opens the grabber. The jug falls to the desk.

Lucky there was nothing in it.

Yellow Socks grabs Pangloss's wrist with the grabber.

Pangloss stands up. 

Yellow socks wasn't ready. He has let go of his end of the grabber.

Pangloss hands the end back to Yellow Socks.

Thank you, says Yellow Socks.

He leads Pangloss away.

The stranger looks at Candide.

You too, says the stranger.

I haven't said anything, says Candide.

You have listened with an air of approval, says the stranger. 

The stranger leads Candide away.

The remainder of the diners continue to eat sadly.

Furious For A Reason

Vello returns to the stage.

After the earthquake, says Vello.

He exits the stage.

I didn't get that, whispers one Bunnings employee to another.

After the earthquake, whispers the other.

No, I meant when we saw the lobster again after it was supposed to have turned back into a human, whispers the first one.

Yeah, me either, says the Bunnings employee. 

There's not enough dialogue, says the other.

Shh! says Hedley's mother.

She is particularly sensitive because Hedley is in the next part.

Yes. It's started. The sailor is talking to Hedley. 

Hedley looks nice in his kilt. 

Pangloss goes over to remonstrate with the sailor.

This won't do, my friend, says Pangloss. What about the universal rule of Reason?

Bloody hell! says the sailor. I am a sailor and I was born in Batavia. I've been four times to Japan. I'm not the man for your Universal Reason.

The sailor turns to Hedley.

Do you like poetry?

No, yes, maybe, says Hedley.

You'll like this one, says the sailor. It is an ancient mariner, and he stoppeth one of three...

Coleridge, whispers Hedley's mother to one of her friends.

Nice touch, says the friend.

Come with me. I'll show you one I wrote myself, says the sailor. It's called Climbing the Hill.

I can't wait, sailor dear, says Hedley.

The sailor drapes an arm around Hedley and they exit together.

The audience claps even though it's not finished.

They liked the chemistry between the sailor and Hedley.

Candide  is lying on the ground calling to Pangloss. Wine and oil ! I am dying!

Pangloss is thinking aloud.

This earthquake is nothing new. Lima had similar shocks last year. The same causes produce the same effects. There must be a vein of sulphur ....

He stops. Why is the audience laughing?

The lobster has returned with a bottle of springwater. He has Candide's face. And the red knitted hat on.

He offers the water to Candide, who looks furious for some reason.

Dangerous What You're Doing

Vello comes on again. 

Earthquake, says Vello.

He goes off.

Pebbles are rolled across the stage. 

The plank topples out from the wings.

The desks shake and wobble. One overturns.

Dark figures caused this to happen.

Three persons stagger on, from stage left. 

First the sailor, then Pangloss, and the third is Candide, once again being played by Denis.

That's clever, whispers one of Hedley's mother's friends.

Yes, nods another. 

What can be the reason for this phenomenon? asks Pangloss.

The Day of Judgement has come! cries Candide.

The sailor makes his way past the upturned desk and starts rummaging through the pebbles.

 A lobster appears from stage right.

It's dangerous, what you're doing, says the lobster.

What do I care! says the sailor. There'll be good pickings here. 

He picks up a few coins and a bottle.

Now I'm off to find a girl of easy virtue, says the sailor.

Good luck, says the lobster.

The sailor exits the stage.

Candide and Pangloss stare at the lobster.

It still has Candide's face and a red knitted hat on.

Should they address it, or ignore it?

The sailor reappears, and heads straight for the lobster

Come with me! says the sailor. 

Ageless has no choice in the matter. 

He is manhandled away.

Woosh Rumble Cruurck

So that was the prequel.

Sweezus and Terence leave the stage.

Vello appears again.

Behind him, two desks are dragged out, by Arthur and Gaius.

Scene One, says Vello. Tempest and shipwreck. The vessel is pitching and tossing.

He withdraws.

Oh look! There are four people on the desks now.

One is James the Anty, without his florin. Another is obviously a sailor. A third is a man who might be anyone. And a fourth is wearing a red knitted hat and an ankle bandage. This must be Candide.

Sound effects simulate a tempest.

Woosh! Rumble! Cruurck!

Water sloshes across the stage, as from a bucket.

The sailor falls overboard and dangles.

James hauls him back on, and then falls in himself.

The audience holds its collective breath.

Is this when he turns into a lobster?

But no. It's Candide who'll turn into a lobster, and he's just staring at the water as though he's supressing a fart. Although in a tempest why would you bother?

Crack! The desks draw apart, thanks to ropes, barely visible.

Candide sits down on the edge of a desk and edges his way to the dark side.

O wow! He seems to have disappeared altogether.

And lo! A lobster in a red knitted hat has appeared in his place. 

Not exactly in his place. But right next to it.

And look at the lobster! It has Candide's face.

Crack crack! the sailor falls overboard. As does the third man who must be Dr Pangloss. And now the lobster. 

Ageless is making the most of his part as Candide.

He stands up and teeters. 

He makes various facial expressions which he does not know no one can see.

He topples.

Another bucketload of water sloshes towards him.

Woosh!

He flails about in the water.

Splash-plash!

Dr Pangloss is flailing beside him. 

A plank appears, shoved onstage from the wings. 

Pangloss grabs one end. Ageless the other.

Ageless clambers onto it.

Pangloss looks surprised. This was not meant to happen.

Ageless is making victorious gestures.

Pangloss pushes the plank off the stage.

A dark figure gets down from the desk and hobbles off stage after them

This must be the end of Scene One. 

Weeping Potatoes

The audience has been let through the gate. 

Margaret has handed out all her umbrellas, and then gone backstage.

Did you have enough umbrellas? asks Katherine.

No, says Margaret. Some people are sharing.

That's nice, says Katherine. Did you keep one for yourself?

No, says Margaret. 

You can share mine, says Katherine. Let's go and sit down.

The seats are wet, says Belle. Some people are complaining.

Have you got an old towel? asks Margaret.

Belle finds an old rag at the bottom of the prop box, and gives it to Margaret.

Margaret and Katherine look for two vacant seats.

Here Margaret! calls a member of the Geological Society. We've saved a seat for you!

Are there two seats? asks Margaret. 

If we move along one, says the member.

They all move along one.

So Margaret's seat is warm and dry.

Katherine wipes the wet one they were saving for Margaret.

And sits down.

Weren't we supposed to get torches? asks one of the members.

Only in the case of a power cut, says Katherine.

Hush, says Margaret. It's starting.

And it is.

Vello has come onto the stage.

Welcome to our show, all you brave people, says Vello. I see you are well prepared for a tempest and shipwreck. There will be a change in the cast for tonight's performance. Denis Diderot will be playing Candide until he falls overboard, after which his part will be played by a lobster. Once he has swum ashore Denis will take over the part again. This calls for a willing suspension of disbelief on your part. Are you up fot it?

Yes! Yes! call one or two people.

Why a lobster? calls out a member of the Geological Society. Why not another human?

Because the lobster knows the part, says Vello. No more questions, please. There'll be a Q and A later. Enjoy the show, everyone!

He leaves the stage.

Sweezus and Terence come on.

Sweezus is in his plain Anabaptist costume, and Terence is dressed as a florin with an umbrella.

I am a florin, says Terence. And this is James the Anty my generous master. He gave me to Candide when he was down and out, and no one else would help him. 

Terence dances around Sweezus two times, with the open umbrella.

Sweezus makes necessary movements, avoiding the spokes.

Terence stops dancing with his back to the audience so that they can have a good view of the potatoes.

Water has dripped from the umbrella onto the potatoes.

They look like weeping potatoes.

The more knowledgeable of the audience ponder the significance of weeping potatoes on the back of a florin.

Come to Relieve Me

Gluttony. The Piglet.

Fifteen minutes until curtain up.

Or would be, if there was a curtain.

It's drizzling, and the outdoor seats are all wet.

Vello is fretting.

What happens if no one turns up?

Bound to be some keen types, says David.

And we've sold heaps more tickets since yesterday, says Belle.

They will be Margaret's friends, says Katherine.

Katherine has brought five umbrellas.

Did you say Margaret? asks Gaius.

Yes, say Katherine. I asked her to bring her spare umbrellas.

Can I have an umbrella? asks Terence.  

He is already in his florin costume, which is made of cardboard.

Here you are, says Katherine. Try and stay dry.

Terence opens his umbrella.

Hedley appears, with his mother.

Wet night! says Hedley's mother. 

Do I get an umbrella? asks Hedley.

We already have an umbrella, says Hedley's mother.

But HE's got his own, says Hedley.

A queue is forming, at the gate.

Denis hobbles past it, with Ageless.

Look, a lobster, says someone.

It's the understudy, says someone else. 

Of the hobbling guy? asks the first person.

Yeah, that's Denis Diderot, says the second person. He's the one playing Candide.

But he's hobbling, says the first one.

I know, says the second. How cool will it be if the lobster has to take over?

The queues becomes longer.

Some of Hedley's mother's friends, several members of the Geological Society, and three employees from Bunnings.

Margaret bustles past them with a load of umbrellas and makes her way backstage.

She is looking for Gaius, but Gaius has vanished.

He has gone to the gate to check tickets.

It was supposed to be Arthur's job, but Arthur isn't doing it.

When do we get the free umbrellas? asks someone.

When you go through, says Gaius.

What about torches? asks another.

We only have twenty torches, says Gaius. 

Grumbling ensues.

Margaret has found Katherine.

You look nice, says Katherine. 

Yes you do, says Belle. And thanks for bringing all those umbrellas. Would you mind going back to the gate and handing them out?

All right, says Margaret.

She goes back to the gate with her load of umbrellas.

Oh hello, Margaret, says Gaius. Come to relieve me?

She has, but he's already backing away.

People Remember That Time

Sweezus calls Katherine about the umbrellas.

Hey Katherine, says Sweezus. 

Hello dear, says Katherine. 

Where's the best place to buy umbrellas? asks Sweezus.

Do you need an umbrella? asks Katherine. Don't buy one. I have so many.

How many ? asks Sweezus. I need about twenty.

Oh well, says Katherine. I don't have twenty. But I might manage five. Why do you need them?

For the show tonight, says Sweezus. It's meant to rain heaps and we're in an open air venue.

So I've heard, says Katherine. David told me about it.

Yeah, says Sweezus. So can I borrow five?

Four, says Katherine. I need one for myself. 

Are you coming? asks Sweezus.

Of course I'm coming, says Katherine. And if you give me a couple of hours, I'll rustle up sixteen more umbrellas.

Cool, says Sweezus. Arthur said you'd know all about umbrellas.

Did he? says Katherine. 

Yeah, says Sweezus.

I hear he's playing the sailor, says Katherine. 

He is, says Sweezus. But he's bought a few packets of seeds just in case.

Ah! says Katherine. That's very wise of Arthur. People remember that time he played Costa.

I know, says Sweezus. Me and Arthur were in Bunnings and the checkout guy remembered.

There you go, says Katherine. Anyway, leave the umbrellas to me.

Thanks Katherine, says Sweezus.

Katherine calls her friend Margaret.

Katherine! says Margaret. It's been ages!

This may seem like strange question, but how many umbrellas do you have? asks Katherine. 

I have a room full, says Margaret. They're for our field trips.

Excellent, says Katherine. May I borrow them for a Fringe show tonight?

A Fringe show? says Margaret. What is it? A play about the Umbrella Revolution?

No, says Katherine. It's Candide. Every year Vello puts on an excerpt.

Are there umbrellas in it? asks Margaret.

They're for the audience, says Katherine. It's an open air venue.

I shall come along, says Margaret. And I'll invite the rest of the Geological Society.

But won't that use up all your field trip umbrellas? asks Katherine.

I'll ask everyone to bring their own umbrella, says Margaret. And I'll bring the field trip ones.

Lovely, says Katherine. 

Is Gaius in it this year? asks Margaret.

Umm, yes I believe so, says Katherine.

Lovely, says Margaret.

Its a long time since she's seen Gaius.

Too long.

Pity it's going to be raining.

What should she wear?

Twenty Tickets

How many tickets have we sold so far? asks Vello.

Twenty, says Sweezus.

Go out and buy twenty umbrellas and twenty torches, says Vello. And keep the receipts. Use my bankcard

Sure boss, says Sweezus.

Here it is, says Vello.

Sweezus goes out.

Where will he find twenty umbrellas and twenty torches?

No idea. He calls Arthur.

What is it? says Arthur.

I need twenty umbrellas and twenty torches, says Sweezus.

What for? asks Arthur.

The audience tonight. It's supposed to be raining, says Sweezus.

Try Bunnings, says Arthur. They'll have torches.

What about umbrellas, says Sweezus.

Don't know, says Arthur. Try asking Katherine. Old women know all about umbrellas.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Good thinking. She's probably got plenty.

I'll come to Bunnings with you, says Arthur. I want to buy some seeds.

Seeds, as in SEEDS? says Sweezus.

Ones that'll grow into flowers, says Arthur. In a packet with a colourful picture.

You have to take them out of the packet, bro, says Sweezus.

I know that, says Arthur. Meet you at Bunnings.

Later, at Bunnings.

Sweezus has collected twenty torches in a basket, and brought them to the checkout.

Arthur has added twenty packets of seeds.

Having a gardening-by-torchlight party? asks the checkout person.

Nah, says Sweezus. We're doing a Fringe Show tonight and it might be raining.

Outdoor venue? asks the checkout person. 

Yeah, says Sweezus.

What's the show? asks the checkout person.

Candide, an excerpt, says Sweezus. 

Thought I recognised you! says the checkout person. You play Candide.

Not this year, says Sweezus. 

The checkout person looks at Arthur.

Not me, says Arthur. I'm the sailor.

Costa! says the checkout person. you played Costa, the gardener.

Yes I did, once, says Arthur.

So that's why you want all these seeds, says the checkout person.

Just in case people ask, says Arthur. 

Get a move on! says the next person in the queue. Some of us don't have all day.

The checkout person points to the sign that says aggression won't be tolerated in Bunnings.

These guys are in a Fringe show! says the checkout person.

No kidding, says the next person in the queue. What show is it?

Candide, says Sweezus. Everyone gets a free torch.

And a free umbrella, says Arthur.

And free seeds, says the checkout person.

Free stuff at a Fringe show!

Word is passed down the queue.

Underlit By Torchlight

Sweezus decides he should run through his AI idea with the boss.

What is it? asks Vello.

Ageless'll be doing the shipwreck scene, says Sweezus.

I know, says Vello.

But only the falling overboard part, says Sweezus.

Has he been practising? asks Vello. 

Yeah he has, says Sweezus. And Belle's making him padded trousers.

Excellent, says Vello. Does that mean Denis will also need padded trousers?

No I don't think so, says Sweezus. Belle's making them out of the red knitted sheep shorts, and the Old Lady's buttock padding.

Ingenious of her, says Vello. So why are you here?

I was thinking I could make Ageless look more like Denis using AI, says Sweezus.

That would certainly help, says Vello. How would you do it?

Just alter his face, says Sweezus. 

Yes that should do, says Vello. You have my permission.

Cool, says Sweezus. I'll start work on it now.

He goes back to his desk and computer. 

He calls up a picture of Denis's face.

And a picture of the face of a lobster.

And begins to combine them. 

It's not even that hard.

Meanwhile Vello is looking at the weather forecast for the weekend.

Heavy rain is predicted, and possible flooding. Thunderstorms too.

And they're performing Candide in the Piglet.

This could be a disaster! groans Vello.

What could? asks David.

The weather! says Vello. We're in an open air venue.

Don't we have insurance? asks David.

Insurance! says Vello. Too expensive!

Then we need to provide umbrellas, says David. 

And what if the power goes off? asks Vello.

Torches, says David.  The show must go on.

Vello is comforted, to some extent. 

Torches. 

A cheap solution. And they can be returned, if they're not needed.

Ditto the umbrellas.

Of course Sweezus's AI face won't work without power. 

But, underlit by torchlight, doesn't everyone look liker a lobster?  

Sophisticated Enough

I'll wear padded trousers, says Ageless.

That's all very well, says Gaius, but I don't have anything that will fit you.

Call Belle, says Henriette. She might have something.

Of course! says Gaius.

He calls Belle.

Hello Gaius, says Belle. How is Denis?

Recovering, says Gaius, but he's reluctant to fall off the table.

I see, says Belle. So it'll have to be Ageless.

Only in the shipwreck scene, says Gaius. Denis will perform the rest of the excerpt.

Crikey! says Belle. How will the audience take it? 

I see what you mean, says Gaius. Suddenly Candide turns into a lobster, falls overboard and on reaching landfall becomes a young man again.

A tricky one, says Belle.

A naive one, says Gaius.

 I meant the whole situation, says Belle. Not Candide himself.

Oh, right, says Gaius. Well, Ageless has requested padded trousers, to protect his carapace. Do you have such a costume?

Only the Old Lady's buttock padding, says Belle. But she's not in it this year, so I suppose I could use it.

Isn't it a bit large? asks Gaius.

That shouldn't matter, says Belle. Ageless is smaller than Denis. The padded trousers will bulk him up nicely.

I'll leave it to you then, says Gaius.

No worries, says Belle.

She looks into the prop box. 

Finds the Old Lady's padding. 

Now, what about the trousers?

She rummages lower.

Yes! The red knitted sheep shorts that Terence wore a few years ago when he played the red sheep.

With a hole in the back for the tail.

Perfect. They just need a wash before she sews in the padding.

Who are they for? asks Sweezus, who is taking a coffee break.

Ageless, says Belle. He's playing Candide in the shipwreck. 

Cool, says Sweezus. But hey.... won't that look kind of funny?

Yes it will look kind of funny, says Belle. We'll just have to hope the audience is sophisticated enough to accept it.

Remember last year when I did all those AI effects? says Sweezus.

Yes, says Belle. They were awesome.

Maybe I could do one for Ageless, says Sweezus. Make him look more like Denis.

You haven't got long, says Belle.

Just the face, says Sweezus. That should be easy.

Okay see how you go, says Belle.

She imagines how Ageless will look with red padded sheep shorts,

Knitted hat, 

Claws,

And Denis's face.

Big Lobster Trousers

Gaius and Denis have gone home.

Denis is sitting in a comfortable chair with his foot up.

He is talking to Ageless.

I may be all right by tomorrow, says Denis. But you need to be ready in case.

Ever ready, that's me, says Ageless. Shall I practise falling off the table?

Yes, says Denis. That's the part I'm most reluctant to do.

Cup of tea, Denis? asks Gaius, looking into the room.

Yes thanks, says Denis. And a couple of pillows.

Pillows? says Gaius. 

Ageless is going to practise falling off the table, says Denis.

Ah, yes, says Gaius. We don't want him cracking his carapace.

I know how to fall without breaking my carapace, says Ageless.

You may think so, says Gaius. But these tiles are quite hard.

He goes into his bedroom and comes back with two pillows.

Ageless is now on the table.

Denis has turned his chair round to watch.

Baby Pierre is also watching, from the window sill.

Gaius arranges the pillows on the floor below Ageless.

Ageless curls up slowly and drops.

Floop.

Well done, says Gaius.

What was supposed to happening? asks Baby Pierre.

A violent storm, during which the deck splits in two, says Gaius. Candide, Pangloss and the sailor are washed overboard.

I didn't get that, says Baby Pierre. It was more like he decided to roll into the water.

My first try, says Ageless. This time, rock the table.

All right says Gaius. Although it's not easy to rock this table. But it does come apart in the middle.

What for? asks Denis.

An extension, says Gaius. In case I have multiple guests.

Ageless has climbed back onto the table.

Ready, says Ageless, expecting the table to start rocking. 

Instead the table opens up underneath him.

He lands on the folded extension, amongst fallen crumbs.

Sorry, says Gaius. I forgot that you couldn't fall right through it.

No harm done, says Ageless.

He moves away from the folded extension. 

Gaius closes the gap in the middle.

Now rock the table, says Baby Pierre. 

Gaius tries, but the effect is unconvincing.

Henriette comes in from the bathroom, with wet hair.

Care to lend a hand? asks Gaius. I'm rocking the table so that Ageless can practise falling off it.

Sure, says Henriette. She starts rocking the table.

Denis watches her fondly.

She may have small hands, but she's strong.

Ageless falls off the table, realistically. 

Better, says Baby Pierre. Now do it without the pillow.

He'll need some kind of padding, says Henriette. 

Big lobster trousers, suggests Baby Pierre.

Ageless jumps at the idea of big lobster trousers.

Extra Funny Part

It looks a bit comical, says Vello.

That's okay, says Belle. The audience will like it.

What's comical? asks Terence.

You leading Gaius away with the grabber, says Belle. You're kind of low down.

What if I had stilts? asks Terence.

No more props, says Vello. We'll go with it.

I thought it was meant to be funny, says Denis.

Not that part, says Vello.

Well now there's an extra funny part, says Denis. Ouch!

What now? asks Vello.

My ankle, says Denis. It hurts.

Not another damn funny part! snaps Vello.

Sit down Denis, says Belle. I'll find you some ice.

Denis sits down again, and starts rubbing his ankle.

Lucky you don't have a fight scene, says Sweezus.

But I have to fall overboard, says Denis. 

Shit yeah, says Sweezus. 

Belle comes back with the ice.

Your ankle looks very swollen, says Belle. 

I'll manage, says Denis. 

Remember you do have an understudy, says Belle. Should we alert him?

Understudy? asks Vello.

Ageless, remember? says Belle. You agreed.

What possessed me? says Vello.

Forethought, says Belle. 

Vello realises she's right. Yes it was certainly forethought to appoint an understudy for Candide. Pity it had to be a lobster. On the plus side, Ageless has his own red knitted hat.

Alert him, says Vello.

We'll do that, says Gaius. Shall we go Denis? Can you make it down the stairs?

If someone aids me, says Denis.

I'll do it, says Sweezus.

He helps Denis down the stairs. Gaius calls a taxi.

Sweezus comes back up the stairs.

Denis is gutted, says Sweezus.

He didn't look gutted to me, says Vello.

He really wants to be in it, says Sweezus. And his name's on the fliers.

Alors! says Vello. So it is.

Maybe his ankle will be better by tomorrow, says Belle. Or...

Or what? asks Vello.

Or Ageless could act as a stuntperson, says Belle. Denis does everything but fall overboard.

A fine solution, but for one thing, says Vello. Ageless is hardly Denis's double.

Yes. This fact does seem insurmountable

Problem What Problem?

Hedley has left with his mother.

We'll rehearse dinner in the ruins without him, says Vello.

What do we sit on? asks Gaius.

I thought you could stand, seeing Lisbon is in ruins, says Vello.

I need to sit, says Denis.

And I, says Gaius. 

Why is this? asks Vello.

The angle, says Gaius. Terence will find it easier to grab me by the wrist if we're sitting.

A good point, says Vello. Where's the mechanical grabber?

Here, says Belle, taking it out of the prop box.

Terence is still in his florin costume.

You'll have to get out of your florin costume, says Belle.

If I keep it on I could hide the grabber inside it, says Terence.

Yes but how would that look? asks Belle. A florin can't be a henchman.

Okay, says Terence. wriggling out of his florin costume. 

Belle hands him the grabber.

This is how it works. says Belle. Squeeze the handle.

Terence squeezes the handle. 

The grabber opens and closes.

It's better than tongs!

Where is he supposed to keep it until he needs it? asks Denis.

Indeed, says Gaius. We identified this problem when rehearsing at home. 

What problem? asks Vello.

I know, says Belle. Terence is pouring a glass of wine for me when I give him the signal. So he's holding a jug. He'll have to put it down quickly and reach for the grabber. So it should be close by.

Vello had not expected this problem.

Curses! says Vello. There was no grabber in my novel.

But the henchman was bigger, says Belle.

Vello needs a quick way of solving the problem. 

Terence, says Vello, you must pour the wine using the grabber. 

Ooh! says Belle. Isn't that risky?

Not if he practises, says Vello. Let us try it.

Let us, says Terence.

Belle fetches a jug and places it on the desk.

Don't worry, Terence, there's nothing in it, says Belle. Now try picking it up with the grabber.

Terence tries.

Easy squeezy.

Now tip it as if you're pouring wine out of it, says Belle. Wait a minute, I'll fetch a glass.

She goes away and comes back with a glass.

Now, says Belle.

Terence tips the jug towards the glass, using the grabber.

When I give you the signal, put the jug down and grab Gaius, says Belle.

She nods at Terence. 

It's the signal!

Terence opens the grabber. 

The jug drops to the floor. 

Lucky nothing was in it.

He grabs Gaius's wrist.

Good work! says Vello. Now you lead him away.

Gaius and Terence stand up.

Hmm.

Does this look a bit comical?

Nautical Effects

Next morning  in the office, a final rehearsal.

Hedley is there with his mother.

He is trying on his costume.

A kilt with a safety pin. A school tie.

Can we rehearse Hedley's scene first? asks Hedley's mother. He has a maths test first lesson.

No, says Vello. We'll run through the whole thing in sequence. The prequel comes first.

Terence is already in his florin costume and yellow socks.

Sweezus wears a plain garment.

And...go! says Vello.

I am a florin, says Terence and this is James the Anty-Baptist.

Stop! says Vello. ANA-Baptist!

Hedley's mother looks at her watch.

All right, says Vello. Let it go. Do your dance, Terence.

Terence does his dance, turning slowly to display the two saintly potatoes.

And he gave me to Candide when he was down and out! sings Terence.

Anabaptist! Expression! says Vello.

Sweezus adopts a philanthropical expression.  

Excellent, says Vello. 

Now is it Hedley's scene? asks Hedley's mother.

No madam, says Vello. Shipwreck scene first.

The two desks are moved together.

Sweezus, Gaius, Denis and Arthur climb on.

Arthur falls overboard and dangles.

Sweezus helps him back on, and falls in himself.

Denis watches as Sweezus rolls away.

Candide! Expression! shouts Vello.

Denis adopts the suppressing-a-fart expression.

Excellent! says Vello. 

Gaius begins to explain that what has happened is all for the best.

Split the deck! shouts Vello.

Sweezus rolls behind the desks and pushes one desk away from the other.

Denis falls off his desk prematurely.

Never mind, says Vello. Now the rest of you!

Arthur and Gaius fall in.

Great! says Vello. 

Yes, that was fantastic! says Belle. Are you okay, Denis?

No, says Denis. I've injured my ankle.

For goodness sake, says Hedley's mother. Not another hold-up!

No, says Vello. Belle will see to Denis's ankle. Arthur and Hedley, ready?

Hello lovely, says Arthur.

Hello sailor, says Hedley.

Do you like poetry? asks Arthur.

No, yes, maybe, says Hedley.

Hedley's mother looks again at her watch.

Arthur drapes his arm over Hedley's shoulder.

It is an ancient mariner, says Arthur, And he stoppeth one of three.....

Vello glances at Hedley's mother to gauge the effect of the Coleridge.

Nice touch! says Hedley's mother.

The Philopher's Angles

What are you waiting for? asks Gaius.

Where do I grab you? asks Terence.

Good point, says Gaius.

Where's the good point? asks Terence.

Ha ha! laughs Baby Pierre.

I mean it's a good point you've raised, says Gaius. What do you think, Denis?

There are two things to consider, says Denis. One is he won't have tongs, but a mechanical grabber. 

Which will probably be longer, says Gaius.

Is that two things? asks Terence.

You can't even count, says Baby Pierre.

I can if there are two things, says Terence. And the tongs and the grabber are two things, but I don't have them at the same time.

Quite right Terence, says Denis. We'll make a philosopher of you yet. Let us agree the tongs/grabber question is one thing.

Yes, let us, says Terence. 

Baby Pierre looks scornful.

So, says Denis, with the mechanical grabber, Terence has more scope. He could grab you, theoretically, anywhere.

True, but not actually helpful, says Gaius.

Until we consider the other thing, says Denis.

Let us, says Terence.

He likes being a philosopher.

Which is? asks Gaius. 

We are supposed to be dining in the ruins, says Denis. Are we sitting or standing? 

I see what you're getting at, says Gaius.

What? asks Terence.

Angles, says Baby Pierre.

I won't be wearing the socks, says Terence. 

Not ankles, says Gaius.

No, angles, says Denis. If the henchman is sitting near Pangloss, he'll have access to most of Pangloss's upper body. If we're all standing, it's another story.

Let's assume we're sitting, says Gaius. Broken chairs would seem plausible.

Or boxes, says Denis. Or columns.

I doubt Belle's props box runs to broken columns, says Gaius.

Let us be sitting on broken chairs, says Terence.

Right, says Gaius. But for now, let us sit on unbroken chairs so we can practise.

Denis drags out two chairs.

Gaius sits on one and Terence sits on the other, holdng the tongs.

Try grabbing me in various places, says Gaius.

Terence grabs Gaius's wrist. 

That looked natural, says Denis.

Wrist it is, says Gaius. Well done, Terence.

Except he's forgotten something, says Baby Pierre. You all have.

What? asks Terence.

You were pouring the wine, when you got the signal, says Baby Pierre. So you have to put the bottle down and go and fetch your grabber, or will the grabber be there in your pocket?

Curses! says Gaius. We hadn't thought about that.

But Terence has now learned to be philosophical.

Let us, says Terence.

No One Has Said

Put me down! says Baby Pierre.

You said you could do anything, says Terence.

Put him down, says Gaius.

Terence opens the tongs.

Baby Pierre drops to the floor.

Voila! says Baby Pierre.

You didn't do it, says Terence. I did.

I made you do it, says Baby Pierre.

How? asks Terence.

I told you to do it, and you didn't do it so Gaius told you to do it, says Baby Pierre.

How is that YOU doing it? asks Terence.

It's rather like the Will that is Determined, says Gaius.

So it is, says Denis. Determined by a higher power. Which in this case was Gaius.

Exactly, says Gaius. Maybe there's something in Pangloss's view after all.

Wasn't Terence meant to seize you with the tongs? asks Baby Pierre.

He was, says Gaius.

And he didn't. So in that case the higher power wasn't you , says Baby Pierre.

You're a idiot, says Terence. I was just doing what I wanted.

Do it properly this time, says Baby Pierre.

Yes, says Gaius. Do it properly. Acting is a discipline.

Okay, says Terence. Are you ready?

He opens the tongs.

Where are we starting? asks Gaius.

Say the willy's determined, says Terence.

The Will IS Determined, says Gaius.

Baby Pierre winks at Terence.

Terence now has to decide whereabouts to grab Gaius.

No one has said.

Free And Determined

You need to pour it more slowly, says Gaius.

He didn't give me a signal, says Terence.

I did, says Baby Pierre.

What was it? asks Terence.

This, says Baby Pierre.

He winks at Terence.

You're meant to nod, says Terence.

How can he nod? asks Denis. He's a pebble.

I can do anything, says Baby Pierre.

You can't nod if you don't have a neck, says Gaius.

Anything I want to, says Baby Pierre.

Okay, wink, says Terence. Now I know the signal.

Shall we do it again? asks Baby Pierre.

When I've mopped up the spilt water, says Gaius.

I'll do it, says Denis. You say your lines.

For the Will that is Determined, says Gaius.

Baby Pierre winks at Terence.

I hadn't started pouring, says Terence.

Start now, says Gaius, and I'll say my lines again.

For the Will that is Determined.

What does that mean? asks Baby Pierre.

Nothing on its own, says Gaius. But it's part of Dr Pangloss's explanation of why he believes in a form of free will that is determined.

By who? asks Baby Pierre.

Shut up, says Terence. Why do you care?

I'm a free thinker, says Baby Pierre.

Just give me the signal, says Terence.

Baby Pierre winks at Terence.

Too late, says Terence. I ran out of water.

Never mind, says Gaius. My glass is half full. It's now that you seize me.

My favourite part! says Terence.

Pity we don't have the mechnical grabber, says Denis.

I may have some tongs in the gadget drawer, says Gaius.

He puts his half full glass down, and looks.

Yes. Here, Terence. Squeeze this end and the tongs close up. Have a practice.

Terence squeezes the end of the tongs.

They open, close, open.

Try grabbing something, says Denis.

Terence knows he means something inanimate.

But he doesn't care. 

He closes the tongs around Baby Pierre.

Dancing In Donuts

Belle has dropped Terence off at Gaius's house and gone back to the office.

Terence is showing Gaius and Denis his socks.

They've got grips on the bottom, says Terence.

Very nice, says Denis.

So I won't slip when I'm dancing, says Terence.

Sensible, says Gaius.

And I have to roll the tops down, says Terence.

Or they'll look like tights, says someone.

Who said it? 

It's Baby Pierre.

They won't look like tights, says Terence. And who asked you anyway?

You should try them on now, says Baby Pierre.

I'm going to, says Terence.

He tries to separate the socks.

But the socks are joined at the top by a thin plastic joiner, with a stopper at each end.

Let me do it, says Gaius.

He snips the socks apart with his scissors.

Terence tries the socks on, and rolls the tops down.

Ha ha! laughs Baby Pierre. You'll look like you're dancing in donuts.

If you fold them, they won't look like donuts, says Denis.

He helps Terence roll up the socks and then fold them so they don't look like donuts.

Terence does his florin dance.

The non-slip grips work really well.

Excellent, says Gaius. You must remember to take off the socks when you're playing the henchman.

Henchman? says Baby Pierre.

I've got two parts, says Terence. 

How can you play a henchman? scoffs Baby Pierre.

Easy, says Terence. No wait. It's HARD. I have to pour wine and watch for a signal, and then stop pouring and pick up my mechanical grabber and seize Gaius.

You won't be able to, says Baby Pierre.

He will, says Gaius. He just needs to practise.

Yes. Watch me, says Terence.

All right, says Gaius. Would you like to practice with a bottle of water?

Yes, says Terence. But who's going to give me the signal? 

I will, says Baby Pierre. When do I give it?

After I say For the Will that is Determined, says Gaius.

Okay, says Baby Pierre.

Denis gives him a glass.

Pour! says Denis.

Terence pours water into Baby Pierre's glass. 

Gaius says: For the Will that is Determined...

Baby Pierre winks at Terence.

His glass overflows.

Maybe that wasn't the signal.

Good Remembering Backwards

You really should practise your dance with the socks on, says Belle.

Where are they? asks Terence.

We need to buy them, says Belle. Want to come with me?

Yes, says Terence.

Good, says Vello. Now we can all get some work done.

See you later, little buddy, says Sweezus.

Belle and Terence head down to Rundle Mall.

Yellow socks, says Belle. Where's the best place to find them?

The yellow sock shop, says Terence.

If only there was a yellow sock shop, says Belle. But I don't think there is.  Let's try David Jones.

They go to David Jones and take the escalator up to the children's wear floor.

I can't see the socks, says Belle. Can you see them?

No, says Terence. You go that way I'll go this way.

No! says Belle. 

But it's too late. Terence has gone this way.

He sprints though the baby clothes. Wait. Stop! Yellow leggings, hanging down from a yellow baby teeshirt, with a train on the front.

Can I help you? asks an assistant.

Have you got a knife? asks Terence.

Certainly not, says the assistant. Where is your mother?

In Barcelona, says Terence.

Your guardian then, says the assistant.

Belle appears, holding three pairs of socks.

Is this child with you? asks the assistant.

Yes, says Belle. We were looking for yellow socks and he went off on his own.

He asked me for a knife, says the assistant.

Did he? says Belle.

I found these leggings, says Terence. If we cut off the top they'd be socks.

They'd fall down straight away, says Belle. 

And unravel, says the assistant.

Yes, and unravel, says Belle. But good work Terence, for spotting the leggings and thinking of a plan.

Not a good plan. He could have asked me for scissors, says the assistant.

Yes, why didn't you? asks Belle.

Because, says Terence. Scissors are wimpy.

Scissors would have been much more effective, says the assistant. 

Yes they would, agrees Belle. Not that it matters. What do you think of these, Terence?

Terence looks at the three pairs of socks.

All bright yellow.

One pair has HAPPY printed near the ankle.

One pair has little black ducks round the top.

A third pair has non-slip grips on the bottom.

Terence likes all of them.

Are they for school or sport? asks the assistant.

A play, says Belle. Terence is playing a florin. 

I have to roll down the tops so the audience sees my legs, says Terence.

So you don't need the duck ones, says the assistant. Will you have shoes on?

No, says Terence. I'll be dancing.

He does a few steps of the dance. 

That's delightful, says the assistant.

Down and out! sings Terence.

Those are some of his lines, says Belle. But he's not meant to sing them.

When he was! sings Terence, remembering what comes before.

To Candide he gave me! sings Terence.

You've got it all backwards, says Belle. But it's good remembering, all the same.

Yes, agrees the assistant. So it's Candide, is it?

It is, says Belle. We're performing it in the Fringe, next week.

I must come, says the assistant.

Yes do, says Belle. You won't be disappointed.

I'll look for the boy in the socks, says the assistant.

Which socks? asks Terence.

The non-slip grip socks, says the assistant.

Yes, it's decided.