Webbers at the Beach

Virginia: RAT DIV-A, welcome back to Artscape.

Me : Thanks Virginia, it's very nice to be back.

Virginia: I want to talk about your video "Webbers at the Beach". This marked a turning point for you in a way. Would you like to talk us through it?

Me: Do you mean it was a turning point because it was longer?

Virginia: Yes. Why was it longer?

Me: You might be surprised to know it was by accident. I was at the beach with my family and I noticed that the sea and sky were both remarkable shades of blue. I decided to make a three-second video by pointing my camera at the sea and pressing record.

Virginia: But you weren't sure you were actually recording anything, were you?

Me; No, I wasn't. I didn't have my glasses on so I couldn't see the little recording icon. I had to guess. So I pointed the camera at a wave for what I thought was about three seconds, then I walked over to my daughter and said......

Virginia: You said, " Does that look like the video camera one to you?" And your daughter answered "Yes".

Me: I'm flattered you remember.

Virginia: How could I forget? And as we hear these words we see your husband's legs walk rapidly towards the water, then we swing over the sand to your daughter's shoe, followed by a quick upswing to a purple sky with a vertical streak of sunglare, and end on a one second shot of your husband standing in a purple sea.

Me: Yes and it was all quite unplanned after the first three seconds. It went on for a full fourteen seconds. I had no idea it was still recording. You see I was under the impression that my camera would only record for three seconds. And I still don't know why it stopped at fourteen.

Virginia: That's what makes it so priceless of course. Well, what's next for RAT DIV-A ? Are you planning a new video?

Me: Well you know, I have to be wary of plans. I really need to guard against, for example, learning how the record button on my camera actually works. The more often I use it the more I inadvertently learn. But naturally, I do try very hard not to absorb anything.

Virginia: Well, RAT DIV-A, good luck with that. I'm sure you have no need to worry. Thank you for sharing your insights with us, and we look forward to seeing a lot more of your wonderful work in the future.

Me: Thanks Virginia,

RAT DIV-A

Virginia: RAT DIV-A, Welcome to Artscape

Me: Thanks Virginia.

Virginia: Your career as a video artist has taken off recently. Tell us how you got started.

Me: Well, it was by accident really. I was visiting my sister's farm, and taking a few interior shots to show our mum. I pressed the record button by mistake in the bedroom. Later I realised I had a video of the bed.

Virginia: And what were your thoughts on that?

Me: I thought it was rather creepy.

Virginia: ( laughing ) It was. And what followed from that?

Me: Nothing. I forgot all about it. But some time later, it was Halloween, I recall, I was experimenting with some night shots of Koster's Kiln, and accidentally pressed the record button again.

Virginia: Tell us a bit about Koster's Kiln.

Me: It's just down the road from our house. It's an old kiln in the middle of a reserve and at night it's lit up by an orange spotlight.

Virginia: Ah yes, these are your famous spooky Koster's Kiln sideways videos.

Me: Yes. It's funny, I hadn't meant them to come out sideways. I rotated them on Easyshare but when I uploaded them to Facebook, they rotated back to sideways-on again.

Virginia: ( smiling) A serendipitous re-rotation.

Me : Absolutely. That was when my work first came to the attention of the reviewer from Video Cognoscenti.

Virginia: Yes, let me just quote from that first review : "Brilliantly short creepy videos in which nothing happens. Innovatively presented sideways. A sensational new talent emerges in video art." That was a pretty amazing time for you, I imagine.

Me: Yes it was. I took another look at them and realised that they really were quite creepy. But even then I didn't think that I would make a career of accidental videos. Nevertheless it was about that time that I started calling myself the RAT DIV-A.

Virginia: A very clever name. Now, your really big break came after the release of your fourteen second magnum opus, ''Webbers at the Beach". I'd like to talk with you about that at length, but unfortunately we're out of time. Will you come back on the next program so that we can continue this fascinating discussion?

Me: I certainly will, Virginia. I'm looking forward to it.

Pastiche

Just give me a few minutes, said Belle et Bonne.

A few minutes! said Beckett. Is that all you think it takes to come up with a piece of highbrow art?

I am young, said Belle et Bonne. I write whatever comes into my head. Don't worry.

Done! she pronounced, after three minutes of solid typing. Would you all like to hear it?

And she began to read:

Part Two- A Romance.

Stop right there! said Beckett. A Romance! What the devil? I don't write Romance!

You do, said Belle and Bonne, and she went on reading:

It struck me suddenly that I had a choice. I was careering down a county lane on my bicycle not slowing although I knew there was a corner coming up. What if, I thought, although I am not the sort of person who generally thinks what if. What if, to speed up the story, I slow down? This may be the very action that prevents me from colliding with a woman who is riding her own bicycle on a trajectory towards me. It could be that, in the circumstances, we might stop, and greet one another. I might say, what might I say, what might I not say? I can be very charming when I like. And so can she. How beautiful she is. She is not of course wearing a hat. Her long brown hair will be escaping delightfully in curling tendrils, from a bun. We may then decide to change direction and travel togther to the nearest village, to have some lunch. She will smile and show me her white unbroken teeth.

Well, what do you think?

Oh bravo! cried Simone. I love it! What do you think, Samuel?

Not bad, said Beckett, not bad at all, young Belle et Bonne. I have no objection to a well-made pastiche.

Nor I, said The VeloDrone. Let's all go out to lunch.

Yes, said Beckett, and I'll pay, he added, looking at Simone.

The Saoi of Aosdana

A new story? I'm sure I can do that, said Samuel Beckett. I'm not a Saoi of Aosdana for nothing.

What's that? asked The VeloDrone. A type of biscuit?

No, said Beckett. It's an Irish title I was given in 1984, for achieving high distinction in the arts.
It means Wise One. It's why I wear this twist of gold around my neck.

Belle et Bonne looked unimpressed.

I knew it must be from the eighties, she remarked.

Beckett looked pained, and began to fiddle with his top button.

Anyway, said Belle et Bonne. I think it's pointless you writing the new story. You are so tied up in literature you think every word you write is precious. Look how you wouldn't even consider leaving out Simone's hat. I'll tell you what. I'll finish off the story for you.

What a good idea, said Simone. I'm all for that. Do you agree, Samuel?

Beckett looked miffed.

You win again, Simone, he said.

What's this? asked The VeloDrone.

Simone has thwarted me once before, said Beckett, darkly. In 1946 I sent a story to Sartre which he published in Les Temps Modernes. He didn't realise that it was only part one of the story. Simone refused to let him publish the second part,

Oh, why, Simone? asked The VeloDrone.

Because it would have made my little Sartre look foolish, said Simone. It has been my life's work to protect him.

Never mind all this boring ancient history! cried Belle et Bonne. Can I write part two of the story or not?

Beckett looked doubtful.

Do you think you can capture my style, Belle et Bonne? he asked.

At the drop of a hat, she replied.

Recycling

Anything else? asked Beckett.

Yes, said Simone. The broken tooth. Anyone who sees through the orange hat will recognise it as mine. I propose you make a major alteration to the text.

Any suggestion as to what that might be?

Perhaps, said Simone, instead of knocking me off my bicycle and breaking my tooth, you could run over my little dog Teddy. The crowd would gather, angrily. And I ( who am not I, but the woman in the orange hat) would say, in your defence, This man has done me a favour, as I just happened to be taking Teddy to the vet to have him put down.

Oh, that's very good, said Belle et Bonne. I like that even better.

Thank you said Simone.

Thank me, said Samuel Beckett. That's straight out of my novel Molloy.

As to that, said Simone, the story of the broken tooth is straight out of my novel The Mandarins!

And she fixed Beckett with a glare.

Is this a stalemate? asked The VeloDrone. Where do we go from here?

I think we need a new story, said Belle et Bonne.

What's It All About?

The phone rang. Belle et Bonne answered. It was Samuel Beckett.

Have you received the second part of my story? he asked.

Yes, said Belle et Bonne, but I must tell you that someone here is not pleased with it.

Your papa? asked Samuel Beckett, sounding surprised.

No, our friend Simone, said Belle et Bonne.

How can that be? It isn't published, is it?

It is, at least the first half is, and she has read the second. Would you like to speak to her?

No. I'll be there in five minutes! said Beckett.

Five minutes later he popped his head round the door.

Simone! he cried. I am sorry!

Samuel, said Simone, it's just too bad of you.

How can I make amends? asked Beckett.

You can re-write the second part, said Simone firmly. I strongly object to several things in it.
The first one being that I am readily identifiable by the description of my hat.

I shall change the hat, said Samuel. How would you like me to describe it?

I should like you not to describe it at all, said Simone, crossly.

The hat remains, for literary reasons, said Beckett. But I am willing to change its colour, and its shape.

Simone looked perplexed.

I know! said Belle et Bonne. You could make the hat orange. I always thought it would be nicer orange, she added.

Good gracious, why? asked Simone.

Because you wore it on the cover of The Mandarins, said Belle et Bonne.

That's good, said Samuel Beckett.

You are not thinking of describing it in terms of the fruit, I hope, said Simone.

What does it matter, if it is not your hat? asked Beckett.

Yes, chimed in The VeloDrone. Don't forget that it's no longer your hat.

If it's not mine, said Simone, then what is this all about?

He Will Pay

Calm yourself, Simone! said The VeloDrone. Of course we will not publish it. You and I, we shall not even read it.

Oh yes we shall, said Simone, calming down at once. I most certainly wish to know what that man has written about me. Read it, Belle et Bonne.

Belle et Bonne began to read:

Sometimes I have a very clear memory of things that have happened. For example it was only yesterday I ran my bicycle into a woman who was rounding a bend in a country lane. The woman was riding a bicycle exactly like mine in all respects but both her feet were pedalling. She wore a black and white striped hat, rounded at the top, like a pixie......

You see, said Simone tartly.

I see, said The VeloDrone. Go on Belle et Bonne.

The woman tumbled off her bicycle. I was obliged to bring myself to a sudden halt in order to go to her aid, although I did not see how I could help when I had a stiff leg, and in the process I too landed in the road with my outer clothing all askew. A crowd gathered around us as if from nowhere.......

A lie, said Simone. There was no crowd.

All to the good, said the VeloDrone.

........I was composing a mitigating statement with the object of speaking aloud when the woman stood up and straightened her hat, saying some words the nature of which I have forgotten, but it was clear she had broken a tooth. Look, said someone in the crowd, she has broken a tooth and it is the fault of this man. The crowd took on a threatening visage. Do not worry about it, said the woman, in fact this man has done me a favour. The tooth in question was chipped already, and I had resigned myself to living with the deformity, being a woman of a certain age......

Belle et Bonne stopped reading and looked at Simone, who had turned an alarming shade of puce. Simone nodded at her to go on. She gabbled the final few words.

......but now I must visit the dentist !

Well, said Simone heavily, that at least is true. And it is Beckett who will pay.