Walking Out Does Not Look Like Coming In

Edinburgh is large and populous. How will Arthur find Paul Verlaine?

He could pick up a Fringe Guide and check out the poetry gigs.

But Arthur doesn't think of that.

He walks up and down the Royal Mile looking at faces.

Some of the faces are three dimensional faces, and some are on posters.

He stops to examine a long wall of posters. There is one advertising the BBC Edinburgh Fringe Poetry Slam. Yes, no doubt Paul will be there.

He takes note of the dates and the times, twisting the knife in his pocket, careless of the yellow macarons.

......

Belle et Bonne is surprised how well Kobo has taken the news about Ageless. She wants to go out on the town.

The Festival is on, says Kobo. I know because I heard someone talking down at reception. He said he was here for the Slam.

What is the Slam? says Belle et Bonne.

A poetry competition, says Kobo. I know that because he was a poet. He said so.

You know a lot, for a fossilised clam, says Belle et Bonne. I didn't realise how well you could function.

I'm like a sponge,says Kobo. Ha ha, only joking. But I do tend to get rather bored.

Then we'll go to the Slam, says Belle et Bonne. It sounds quite exciting. I'll check out when it's on.

.........

Paul Verlaine is already at the venue. He keeps reading and re-reading his poem. He is nervous.

Ageless lobster walks in and sits down.

Mon Dieu! says Paul Verlaine. Ageless! I last saw you in Alice Springs. What are you doing here?

Ageless is taken aback.

Nothing, says Ageless. I was just leaving.

You were not just leaving, says Paul Verlaine. I know what just leaving looks like. It does not look like coming in and sitting down.

All right, smarty trousers, says Ageless. But don't worry. I'm not following you.

So you are following someone? says Paul.

It seems Paul has recently become more intelligent.

No, says Ageless. I just love.... err...poems and such.

You are in the right place then, says Paul. Soon the Poetry Slam heats will begin. Now please remain silent, I am busy rehearsing.

Ageless is silent. Should he leave now? This is awkward.

He is about to walk out when in walks Young Dawkins.

If He Had Been Eaten I'd Know

They ride back to Edinburgh. It seems shorter. Or perhaps they ride faster.

Just imagine, David, says Vello, if you had come to Chirnside two years ago for your three hundredth birthday.....

I'm very glad I didn't, says David. It is bad enough now. That embarassing beer!

It was very nice beer, says Belle et Bonne. Don't be embarrassed!

It's the thought that counts, says Vello.

If you say that one more time, says David, I shall ride on ahead.

I won't say it again, says Vello, but it was amusing.

And I'll be obliged if you'd recycle the bottle, says David. I know you have kept it.

A souvenir, says Vello. That's all.

It is late and the sun is low in the sky. The buttercups are closing, but the thistles are bristling still.

They arrive at their hotel close to tea time. Belle goes up to the desk and asks if her package has arrived.

Aye lassie, here it is, says the woman, Tis a very strange package, I swear I heard something moving inside.

Thank you, says Belle et Bonne, taking the package upstairs.

She opens the package, to reveal Kobo the fossilised clam, the beloved of Ageless.

Now Kobo, says Belle, very quickly. I want you to take a deep breath.

Ahhhh, says Kobo. Don't tell me. I know. I'm in Scotland. You needn't worry. I'm alright with that.

Good, says Belle et Bonne, but that's not actually the worst of it. It's about Ageless.

He's not coming? says Kobo. I'm alright with that.

He's not coming, says Belle, because something dreadful has happened.

He's been eaten, says Kobo. Serves the arrogant fool right. Who has eaten him, if you don't mind me asking?

Sir Bradley Wiggins, says Belle. It seems Chris Froome gave him Ageless as a dinner gift. I know! It's unconscionable!

Even Kobo thinks that's a bit off. She turns a whiter shade of stone. She sighs. Maybe she will begin to miss Ageless. They used to have a thing going, almost telepathic. He used to write... click... click... click... hrrr...my creamy girlfriend, it was rather erotic. She used to write back,,, mmm,,,,, yes,,,, kissy kiss,,,

If Ageless was eaten, she'd know.

Enlightenment

The philosophers have made it to Chirnside.

Now where is my house? says David, looking round.

Don't you remember? says Vello.

It was near a river, says David. I used to play there. The River Whiteadder.

They locate the river and follow it. They come to a fence, a wide stretch of grass, a large house, named Ninewells. It has a sun room, a swing in the garden, a large animal lurking outside.

Something's wrong, mutters David. It's not Ninewells. We had no sunroom or swing. And where are the cows?

Is that not a cow? says Vello pointing at the animal.

No papa, says Belle, it's a very large dog.

The very large dog barks in an unfriendly manner. The owner comes out.

Can I help you? says the owner, in a tone that means please go away.

I fear not, says David. I used to live here, but everything's changed.

And who might you be? says the owner.

David Hume, says David. As a child I played by the river. We had cows.

My goodness! says the owner. David Hume! And you became the famous philosopher. You are well thought of in Chirnside. Do come in and have tea and scones.

Really? says David. Thank you very much. We should very much like tea and scones.

They go inside. They are served tea and scones in the sun room. It is hot in the sun room. The owner tells David the old house was pulled down and rebuilt in the nineteenth century, which is why it looks different these days.

And now you have added this delightful sun room, says David. How very pleasant it is.

Vello smirks into his tea cup. Ha ha! The Scots and their sun rooms!

But his host does not mind. Wait till he tells everyone at the the Chirnside Common Good Association who came to tea!

At last the three cyclists take their leave.

Before you start back for Edinburgh, may I suggest you drop in to the Red Lion in the village, says their host. And order a beer

This sounds like a good idea, so they head off to find the Red Lion.

David orders three beers.

You look like an Enlightenment man, says the barman.

I am indeed says David. How did you know?

Lucky guess, says the barman, handing David three glasses, and three bottles of Enlightenment Beer.

David looks at the labels. How embarrassing! His profile in cameo, above the words David Hume, Philosopher, Enlightenment Beer, and at the bottom of the label the motto: It's the thought that counts.

What will Vello say?

The Art And Science Of Motion

The next morning David, Vello and Belle are cycling to Chirnside. Belle has hired a bike and packed a picnic lunch. The sun is shining. Scotland looks nice.

What a wonderful play that was last night, says David. I'm so glad we went.

Me too, says Belle et Bonne. Quantum mechanics. Now I understand why I understand nothing.

And why we cannot be certain of anything, says Vello. Including where anything is. How far is it to Chirnside?

That depends on where we are, says David.

I trust you know where that is, says Vello. How far is it from where we started?

Eighty kilometres from Edinburgh, says David. A doddle for us, after the Tour.

It's so pretty, says Belle. All these meadows, and the wildflowers at the side of the road. What are those ones called, David?

Those are thistles, my dear, says David. I'm surprised you don't know.

No, not those ones, those ones, says Belle, nearly falling off her bicycle.

Buttercups, says David.

Lovely, says Belle. Just like home.

Is it lunch time? says Vello.

No, says David. At least one thing is certain. We still have a long way to go.

.........

Back at the hotel, a package is waiting at reception. It is addressed to Belle et Bonne.

Inside the package is Kobo, the beloved of Ageless. She is in a bad mood.

She may be a fossilised clam, but she can hear everything, and she knows where she is.

She is in Edinburgh. The very last place she would have wanted to go. She had longed to see Paris, even if it meant seeing Ageless. She is so over Ageless. It's his fault she is here.

A man comes to the counter to make a booking. He pokes at the package.

Dinna poke at the package, says the receptionist. Tis for the young lady from Paris.

Oh aye, sorry, says the man. Do you have a room?

Aye, says the receptionist. Just a wee one. Tis busy in August ye know.

Aye I know, says the man. I'm a poet. I'm here for the Poetry Slam. Ma name's Burns. Rabbie Burns.

Oh aye? says the receptionist.

Aye, says the man.

Kobo's mood changes all of a sudden, inside the package. Of course, the Festival is on! That's why Ageless is here. He's following Arthur. Arthur is a poet. It all makes sense now, she is certain.

She hopes Belle claims her soon. Where can she be?

..........

A train pulls in to Edinburgh station, thanks in part to quantum mechanics.

Arthur gets off, with his knife.

We Can Be Sure Of Nothing

It is five o'clock, in Edinburgh. Belle et Bonne and David are at the World's End, waiting for Vello.

What do you think of the World's End, Belle? says David.

It's nice, says Belle. It's so atmospheric.

It's about to become more atmospheric. In comes Vello.

He waves the end of a black bun in one hand and flaps a Haggis flavoured crisp packet in the other.

Outrageous! says Vello. What disgusting food! No doubt the beer is as bad.

Papa! says Belle et Bonne. It's a charming old pub. So historic. Do you know why it's called the World's End?

Pchah! exclaims Vello. It's quite obvious.

Not at all, says David. It's where the poor folks who couldn't afford to enter the city had to stay in the old days.

Exactly, says Vello. What are we drinking?

Guinness, says David.

Good, says Vello.  I'll have a Guinness. What's up, Belle?

Oh papa, says Belle. Some thing awful has happened. I promised Ageless a reward for tailing Arthur and the reward was his Beloved, and she's arriving tomorrow in a package sent on from Paris.

So the Beloved arrives in a package? says Vello. How bizarre. Goodness me, that reminds me. Did you know what they found in a cave up on Arthur's Seat? Seventeen tiny coffins with wooden figures inside.

What? says David. When was this?

In 1836, says Vello.

Witchcraft, says Belle with a shiver.

Or Burke and Hare, says David, darkly.

Surely not, says Vello. What would be the point of Burke and Hare putting wooden figures in coffins and then hiding them?

Good point, says David. And fine Guinness, too. Let's have another.

They order another round of Guinness, and David risks a packet of Scampi flavoured crisps.

Vello takes a Scampi flavoured crisp. Crunch! He doesn't even notice the flavour.

But what about the Beloved? says Belle et Bonne. She'll be so upset. Coming all this way in a package only  to find her own Beloved has been made a gift of by Froomey and eaten by Wiggo in London?

Vello laughs.

You couldn't make it up! he declares. But who is to say that it may not end happily?  At this point in time, all is flux and uncertainty. We can be sure of nothing. Cheer up Belle!

What a coincidence, says Belle, cheering up. We've bought three tickets for The Principle Of Uncertainty, and we're going tonight!

Wonderful! says Vello. That sounds right up my alley. Well done, you and David.

Now all three are good friends again.

It is an unexpected example of how the principle works.

Who Would Not Enjoy Edinburgh?

There is a limit to which the properties of position and momentum can be known simultaneously. That is the uncertainty principle. Yes, something like that.

Belle and David think Vello is in his room, but he is not in his room when they get there. He has gone out, and left them a note.

Gone out to climb Arthur's Seat. Will be at World's End at five. Vello.

Really! says Belle et Bonne. What's he talking about?

I know, says David, pointing out of the window. He's climbing that hill over there, then he's going to the pub.

Belle looks out of the window. So that's Arthur's Seat.

Once again she thinks about Arthur, and how Ageless has let everyone down, by being eaten.

........

Vello has climbed to the top of Arthur's Seat. There is a view from up there. He can see Edinburgh Castle, Holyrood Palace, the Scottish Parliament, and so on. But he is not as impressed as he should be.

He sits down on a tuft of grass and pulls a slice of black bun out of his pocket.

It tastes lardy, not like a French pastry.

A group of walkers pass by, eating crisps.

Over there, says one of the walkers, pointing. In 1836, that's where they found them.

Wow! says another of the walkers. How awesome was that!

Yes, the boys were hunting for rabbits, says the first one. And they entered the cave, and there they were in a row, seventeen little coffins, with wooden figures inside.....

The walkers pass out of earshot, discarding their empty packet of crisps. Walker's Crisps, Haggis flavour.

How typical of this country, says Vello. It would not happen in France.

.......

Back at the hotel, Belle has received a message from the hotel she has just left in Paris. There is a package for her on it's way.

What can it be? wonders Belle. Did I leave something behind? Then she remembers. Oh no! It will be the Beloved!

Oh David, says Belle. She will be so disappointed to find Ageless eaten.

Never mind, says David, philosophically. Is she not made of stone? And I am sure she will enjoy Edinburgh anyway, as indeed who would not?

He is about to find out who would not.

The Principle Of Uncertainty

It does not take long for our philosophers to accept the situation.

So what if Sir Bradley Wiggins has eaten Ageless lobster for dinner? It is a fitting end for Ageless, who got off scot free after blatantly cheating his way through the Tour.

But that means no one's tailing Arthur, says Belle et Bonne. I hope he's alright.

He'll be fine, says David. He lives a charmed life. Now how about a wee stroll down the Royal Mile? Did you know I was born in Lawnmarket?

Were you really, David? says Vello. How extraordinary. I think I'll give it a miss.

I'd love to, David, says Belle et Bonne. You can show me the sights.

They go out, leaving Vello to read the newspaper, and gripe on his own.

The Royal Mile is full of buskers and people handing out fliers. The Edinburgh Fringe has begun.

Someone shoves a flier at David.

What's this? says David, A play? The Principle of Uncertainty. What a wonderful title. And only ten pounds a ticket.

Oh let's buy three tickets! says Belle et Bonne. Papa would love it. The principle of uncertainty. It sounds so intellectual.

Hmm, hmm, the principle of uncertainty, says David. Whatever is it? I feel I should know.

But you are uncertain? says Belle et Bonne.

Ha ha! laughs David. You are a breath of fresh air, Belle et Bonne. Vello and I have been quarrelling, you know. I believe he is jealous.

He's always jealous, says Belle et Bonne. But you and he must be tired. You've just finished a gruelling Tour.

True, says David. Look, that's where I was born. It looks a bit different now.

It does. It is now a ticket office. They buy three tickets for The Principle of Uncertainty, and amble back to the hotel to surprise Vello.

The principle of uncertainty is about not knowing where someone is if they're moving.

Yes something like that.

Therefore Vello will be easy to find.

........

Arthur is having the opposite problem in London. Paul is on the move.

He knocks on the door of the next apartment.

Hello? says a man. Can I help you?

Do you know Paul Verlaine? asks Arthur.

Sure do, says the man. He lives next door.

I know, says Arthur. He's a friend. Do you happen to know where he's gone?

Paul? He's gone to Edinburgh, says the neighbour. He's doing a poetry reading for the festival. He's a poet you know.

Oh I know, says Arthur. Thanks.

He turns to go down the stairs. A door slams.

Right, now to get hold of a knife.