Another fine day in Yorkshire. Schopenhauer is somewhere ahead, chasing Sweezus. Gaius and Vello are in the main peloton, grumbling about David.
Gaius: Someone should tell him.
Vello: Belle was going to have a word.
Gaius: Good. We can't be expected to compete on empty stomachs every day.
Vello: I should say not.
They come up to a feeding station.
David is standing in the middle of the road, holding out two musettes.
They grab them.
Thanks David! says Gaius.
Good man! says Vello, opening his bag of yummy snacks.
Belle et Bonne stands in the road beside David, with musettes for Unni and Arthur.
See how easy that was? says Belle et Bonne.
Yes, says David doubtfully.
What is it? asks Belle et Bonne. Do you wish you were riding?
Yes, says David. I do.
Alberto Contador rides by flanked by his henchmen.
David waves. Alberto ignores him.
Schopenhauer's doing all right though, says Belle et Bonne. I didn't expect it.
He's riding like a man driven, says David.
He's trying to catch up with Sweezie, says Belle et Bonne. But he hasn't the legs.
Why Sweezus particularly? asks David.
Don't you know? says Belle et Bonne. He wants to grill him about where he got his ideas from.
Sweezus? says David. He doesn't have any ideas. He's a creative writer.
He ghosted that article, says Belle et Bonne.
Their conversation is interrupted by the passing of Team Crustacean.
Ageless is looking left and right. Louttit is steady. Louis-Claude bobs in the saddle.
Where's Freud? says David. He's their manager. He should be here with their food.
Oh, Freud! says Belle et Bonne. He's being so naughty. Did you know he's been reprimanded for firing indiscriminate paintballs? Indiscriminate my eye!
David's eyes widen. So someone is a worse manager than he is. That's something.
Woosh! who was that riding by, with little spots of paint on his clothing?
Vincent Nibali, going like the clappers. But he slows down to grab a musette. Yum! A Power Bar!
Ageless, Louttit and Louis-Claude watch the Power Bar speed past them, diminishing.
If only Freud had been there, with some nibbles.
But Freud is not there. Tour de France has sprung into action. Freud is in the officials' tent doing an enforced mini-course in team management training.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Stage One: Leeds to Harrogate: Causal Connections
Sweezus, Arthur and Unni are riding together in the main peloton. It's their first real chance to catch up.
So how was Tassie? asks Sweezus.
Good, says Arthur. We might go back there. We missed out on Dismal Swamp.
Yeah, says Unni. It would've been awesome. But it was closed for the winter. And we had to come back for the Tour.
She turns to look at the summer-green Yorkshire Dales with their yellow painted sheep, dry stone walls and crowds of cheering flag-waving people.
She wobbles.
Focus, says Sweezus.
Arthur looks mildly surprised.
Sorry, says Sweezus. It's the activist in me.
Yes, says Arthur. Why are we dressed up like cuttlefish?
Unni gives him a menacing look. Shut up Arthur.
Too late, Tejay Van Garderen and André Greipel have heard him.
Tejay and André speed past, laughing. Cuttlefish! Yes! How amusing.
Yeah, says Sweezus. I was going to tell you.......oh shit! Tell you later.....
He speeds up, without explaining his tactic.
Schopenhauer rides by, in a devilish hurry.
Perhaps there's a causal connection......
.......
The sun is shining, it is almost as warm as Tasmania.
The hours have flown by. The riders are nearly in Harrogate.
The crowds are cheering.
Ageless, who formed a one-lobster breakaway earlier, is now falling back.
Louttit is steady.
Louis-Claude de Freycinet, riding beside him, is doing well for a new-comer.
Like most lobsters, he is a natural. They pass a tree.
Someone is lurking behind it.
Here comes Mark Cavendish, trying to pass Simon Gerrans, with Marcel Kittel close behind them.
Mark Cavendish is distracted, he turns his head. What's that on his nose? Is it paint?
He crashes into Simon Gerrans. Disaster!
Louis-Claude and Louttit coast on down the road.
There they go, you can see the back of their team outfits clearly.
Team Crustacean, and in yellow, across their bottoms, Popup Paintball.
What can this mean?
Marcel Kittel has no time to wonder.
He sees his way clear to a Stage One victory and powers through.
So how was Tassie? asks Sweezus.
Good, says Arthur. We might go back there. We missed out on Dismal Swamp.
Yeah, says Unni. It would've been awesome. But it was closed for the winter. And we had to come back for the Tour.
She turns to look at the summer-green Yorkshire Dales with their yellow painted sheep, dry stone walls and crowds of cheering flag-waving people.
She wobbles.
Focus, says Sweezus.
Arthur looks mildly surprised.
Sorry, says Sweezus. It's the activist in me.
Yes, says Arthur. Why are we dressed up like cuttlefish?
Unni gives him a menacing look. Shut up Arthur.
Too late, Tejay Van Garderen and André Greipel have heard him.
Tejay and André speed past, laughing. Cuttlefish! Yes! How amusing.
Yeah, says Sweezus. I was going to tell you.......oh shit! Tell you later.....
He speeds up, without explaining his tactic.
Schopenhauer rides by, in a devilish hurry.
Perhaps there's a causal connection......
.......
The sun is shining, it is almost as warm as Tasmania.
The hours have flown by. The riders are nearly in Harrogate.
The crowds are cheering.
Ageless, who formed a one-lobster breakaway earlier, is now falling back.
Louttit is steady.
Louis-Claude de Freycinet, riding beside him, is doing well for a new-comer.
Like most lobsters, he is a natural. They pass a tree.
Someone is lurking behind it.
Here comes Mark Cavendish, trying to pass Simon Gerrans, with Marcel Kittel close behind them.
Mark Cavendish is distracted, he turns his head. What's that on his nose? Is it paint?
He crashes into Simon Gerrans. Disaster!
Louis-Claude and Louttit coast on down the road.
There they go, you can see the back of their team outfits clearly.
Team Crustacean, and in yellow, across their bottoms, Popup Paintball.
What can this mean?
Marcel Kittel has no time to wonder.
He sees his way clear to a Stage One victory and powers through.
Tricky Moments Before The Grand Départ
It's all happening in Leeds. David Cameron is coming. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are bringing baby George.
A local sweet shop has made a 24 pound slab of lemon coconut ice in honour of Mark Cavendish's mother.
A butcher in Ripon has manufactured a bicycle entirely out of pork.
Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen are discussing the various teams' chances.
Phil Liggett: It's Team Sky for my money. Chris Froome to win.
Paul Sherwen: My money's on Contador. He's been finishing strongly all season. So has Andrew Talansky of Team Garmin Sharp
Phil Liggett: By the way, Paul, I've been hearing some interesting stories about Team Crustacean.
Paul Sherwen: The new team? Ageless Lobster is an old stalwart of course, but what do we know about Captain Louttit, and Louis-Claude de Freycinet? They've been kept under wraps.
Phil Liggett: I was talking with Professor Freud just now and he says they've both got the legs to do it.
Paul Sherwen: Ha ha! They've got legs to spare!
Phil Liggett: And what about team Get Up?
Paul Sherwen: I hear Arthur Rimbaud and Unni Moon have been riding pretty intensively in Tasmania. Sweezus is looking confident, but he has a tendency to lose focus at crucial moments.
Phil Liggett: Team Philosophe?
Paul Sherwen: Well this is interesting, Phil. There's been a last minute switch. David Hume won't be riding and his place will be taken by Schopenhauer, who has only recently taken up riding.
Phil Liggett: Oh yes, on the wonder bicycle. I've had a look at that bicycle. He calls it the Platonic Ideal. I must say it looks extraordinary. I imagine Team Sky and Team Tinkoff-Saxo have had their spies out.
Paul Sherwen: Well, time for us to go to the start line.
Phil Liggett: I'll be along in a minute.
..........
Since arriving in Leeds, Schopenhauer has been besieged by German reporters.
Herr Schopenhauer! Herr Schopenhauer!
What is it?
Is it true that you've disappointed all your fans by your change in philosophy?
No, no! I most emphatically have not changed my philosophy.
So Herr Schopenhauer, you are not optimistic of winning?
Of course I am optimistic of winning!
Then does this mean you've done another back-flip?
Himmel! Nein! Can you stupid people not see the difference between a bicycle race and human existence?
David, seeing one of his team members being hassled by annoying German reporters, comes over.
Clear off, you reporters! says David.
Vello, seeing David annoying the German reporters, also comes over.
Shut up, David, says Vello. That's no way to manage the press. They'll tear us to pieces.
We shall put out a statement when Stage One is over, says Vello. Meanwhile, please give us some space.
The German reporters are perfectly willing. You only have to treat them politely.
They go over to annoy Team Crustacean.
Louis-Claude! Is it true that you don't know how to ride a bicycle?
But they are unexpectedly fired on by paint-balls.
Professor Freud knows how to manage a team.
A local sweet shop has made a 24 pound slab of lemon coconut ice in honour of Mark Cavendish's mother.
A butcher in Ripon has manufactured a bicycle entirely out of pork.
Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen are discussing the various teams' chances.
Phil Liggett: It's Team Sky for my money. Chris Froome to win.
Paul Sherwen: My money's on Contador. He's been finishing strongly all season. So has Andrew Talansky of Team Garmin Sharp
Phil Liggett: By the way, Paul, I've been hearing some interesting stories about Team Crustacean.
Paul Sherwen: The new team? Ageless Lobster is an old stalwart of course, but what do we know about Captain Louttit, and Louis-Claude de Freycinet? They've been kept under wraps.
Phil Liggett: I was talking with Professor Freud just now and he says they've both got the legs to do it.
Paul Sherwen: Ha ha! They've got legs to spare!
Phil Liggett: And what about team Get Up?
Paul Sherwen: I hear Arthur Rimbaud and Unni Moon have been riding pretty intensively in Tasmania. Sweezus is looking confident, but he has a tendency to lose focus at crucial moments.
Phil Liggett: Team Philosophe?
Paul Sherwen: Well this is interesting, Phil. There's been a last minute switch. David Hume won't be riding and his place will be taken by Schopenhauer, who has only recently taken up riding.
Phil Liggett: Oh yes, on the wonder bicycle. I've had a look at that bicycle. He calls it the Platonic Ideal. I must say it looks extraordinary. I imagine Team Sky and Team Tinkoff-Saxo have had their spies out.
Paul Sherwen: Well, time for us to go to the start line.
Phil Liggett: I'll be along in a minute.
..........
Since arriving in Leeds, Schopenhauer has been besieged by German reporters.
Herr Schopenhauer! Herr Schopenhauer!
What is it?
Is it true that you've disappointed all your fans by your change in philosophy?
No, no! I most emphatically have not changed my philosophy.
So Herr Schopenhauer, you are not optimistic of winning?
Of course I am optimistic of winning!
Then does this mean you've done another back-flip?
Himmel! Nein! Can you stupid people not see the difference between a bicycle race and human existence?
David, seeing one of his team members being hassled by annoying German reporters, comes over.
Clear off, you reporters! says David.
Vello, seeing David annoying the German reporters, also comes over.
Shut up, David, says Vello. That's no way to manage the press. They'll tear us to pieces.
We shall put out a statement when Stage One is over, says Vello. Meanwhile, please give us some space.
The German reporters are perfectly willing. You only have to treat them politely.
They go over to annoy Team Crustacean.
Louis-Claude! Is it true that you don't know how to ride a bicycle?
But they are unexpectedly fired on by paint-balls.
Professor Freud knows how to manage a team.
Friday, July 4, 2014
All Roads Lead To Leeds
Why David Is Late.
Schopenhauer turns up at the Velosophy office just as David is leaving for the airport.
Stop right there! says Schopenhauer. You have some explaining to do.
I'm in a hurry, says David. The Tour de France starts on Saturday.
So it does, says Schopenhauer. You don't happen to need a spare rider?
Are you any good? asks David, because I don't mind telling you I'm getting too old for this lark.
I'm fit and fast, says Schopenhauer. I'm good in the mountains. And I have an excellent bicycle. I'd be an asset to Team Philosophe.
He notices David is grinning.
Why are you grinning? asks Schopenhauer. What's so funny?
Your famous change of philosophy, says David. The pessimist becomes an optimist. It's all over the internet. You're famous all over again.
Balderdash! cries Schopenhauer. That's just what I'm here for. There has been no change of philosophy. I am still pessimistic at bottom. Always will be. The world is still full of suffering. Will has not overcome reason.....
My goodness! says David. I thought Sweezus had your approval when he ghosted your article!
No! says Schopenhauer. This is shocking. Do you mean to say it's all over the philosophical world that I've become a ........a Pollyanna?
Ha ha! a Pollyanna, no, it's not quite that bad, says David.
Stop laughing says Schopenhauer. I shall sue!
Calm down old chap, says David. Perhaps we can come to some arrangement.
...........
Negotiations At The Airport.
Luckily the flight is delayed forty minutes.
Gaius has turned up, but not David. Vello is tapping his foot.
Here comes David, with Schopenhauer, both of them beaming.
David, you fool, says Vello, you almost missed .....what's the matter?
Schopenhauer is taking my place in Team Philosophe, says David, and I shall content myself with being team manager. That is if no one objects.
I object, says Vello. You couldn't manage a game of beach cricket.
If it was a game of beach cricket, says Gaius, I too would object.
Vello, Schopenhauer and David look enquiringly at Gaius. Is he going to explain his objection?
No, he isn't. That was his whole contribution.
Hello all! says a Freudian voice, belonging to Professor Freud. All ready for Leeds?
Sigmund! says Vello. Didn't know you were going!
A last minute decision, says Freud. A team that had gone down the gurgler has been resurrected, and I'm to be manager.
Manager? says David. Who's your team?
Team Crustacean, says Freud, thereby raising several eyebrows.
.........
Three Lobsters In A Suitcase
In a large brown suitcase, labelled S. F.( Prof. ), with a green ribbon tied round the handle, are Ageless Lobster, Captain Louttit and Louis-Claude de Freycinet, of the new Team Crustacean. They are talking tactics.
Go out hard, says Ageless. That's what I do. Form a breakaway. Don't be afraid to use your legs.
This sounds like good tactics to Captain Louttit. Use your legs. Who needs strapping?
Louis-Claude de Freycinet nods in agreement. But he's thinking, it's all right for them.
They can both ride a bicycle. He is not sure that he can.
Perhaps that nice Unni will help him.
Schopenhauer turns up at the Velosophy office just as David is leaving for the airport.
Stop right there! says Schopenhauer. You have some explaining to do.
I'm in a hurry, says David. The Tour de France starts on Saturday.
So it does, says Schopenhauer. You don't happen to need a spare rider?
Are you any good? asks David, because I don't mind telling you I'm getting too old for this lark.
I'm fit and fast, says Schopenhauer. I'm good in the mountains. And I have an excellent bicycle. I'd be an asset to Team Philosophe.
He notices David is grinning.
Why are you grinning? asks Schopenhauer. What's so funny?
Your famous change of philosophy, says David. The pessimist becomes an optimist. It's all over the internet. You're famous all over again.
Balderdash! cries Schopenhauer. That's just what I'm here for. There has been no change of philosophy. I am still pessimistic at bottom. Always will be. The world is still full of suffering. Will has not overcome reason.....
My goodness! says David. I thought Sweezus had your approval when he ghosted your article!
No! says Schopenhauer. This is shocking. Do you mean to say it's all over the philosophical world that I've become a ........a Pollyanna?
Ha ha! a Pollyanna, no, it's not quite that bad, says David.
Stop laughing says Schopenhauer. I shall sue!
Calm down old chap, says David. Perhaps we can come to some arrangement.
...........
Negotiations At The Airport.
Luckily the flight is delayed forty minutes.
Gaius has turned up, but not David. Vello is tapping his foot.
Here comes David, with Schopenhauer, both of them beaming.
David, you fool, says Vello, you almost missed .....what's the matter?
Schopenhauer is taking my place in Team Philosophe, says David, and I shall content myself with being team manager. That is if no one objects.
I object, says Vello. You couldn't manage a game of beach cricket.
If it was a game of beach cricket, says Gaius, I too would object.
Vello, Schopenhauer and David look enquiringly at Gaius. Is he going to explain his objection?
No, he isn't. That was his whole contribution.
Hello all! says a Freudian voice, belonging to Professor Freud. All ready for Leeds?
Sigmund! says Vello. Didn't know you were going!
A last minute decision, says Freud. A team that had gone down the gurgler has been resurrected, and I'm to be manager.
Manager? says David. Who's your team?
Team Crustacean, says Freud, thereby raising several eyebrows.
.........
Three Lobsters In A Suitcase
In a large brown suitcase, labelled S. F.( Prof. ), with a green ribbon tied round the handle, are Ageless Lobster, Captain Louttit and Louis-Claude de Freycinet, of the new Team Crustacean. They are talking tactics.
Go out hard, says Ageless. That's what I do. Form a breakaway. Don't be afraid to use your legs.
This sounds like good tactics to Captain Louttit. Use your legs. Who needs strapping?
Louis-Claude de Freycinet nods in agreement. But he's thinking, it's all right for them.
They can both ride a bicycle. He is not sure that he can.
Perhaps that nice Unni will help him.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Tour de France Jitters
Two days to the start of the Tour.
Alejandro Valverde is in his pyjamas, watching television. It's Peppa Pig. The one where Daddy Pig tries to put up a picture and knocks a big hole in the wall.
Ha ha! laughs Alejandro Valverde. He looks at his watch. It's too early to head off to Leeds.
.......
Alberto Contador is also in his pyjamas. He is watching a video. It is a video of the road between Leeds and Harrogate, somewhat blurry. Alberto has not been to Leeds. He has not been to Harrogate. Madre de dios! How it looks ordinary!
Every half hour, he gets up and goes out to the shed to check on his bicycle. El Pistolero is that kind of guy.
..........
Ageless lobster is in the State Library in Adelaide. He has been sleeping there under a table.
A foot kicks him, accidentally.
The foot's owner looks under the table.
Ageless! says Professor Freud. Why aren't you in Leeds?
Ageless sighs, and tells Professor Freud everything. It's all gone cactus. He hasn't a team. But last night he had a strange dream. He was cycling under water...........
.........
Captain Louttit has obtained a deluxe suite on the Spirit of Tasmania, thanks to his connections, and everyone has slept well. Now they are docking in Melbourne.
First, says Unni, I'm off to see mum. I'll meet you on Saturday in Leeds.
Goodbye Unni, says Gaius. I hope you've enjoyed Tasmania.
Oh yes, says Unni. I have just one regret. We didn't make it to Dismal Swamp.
Dismal Swamp! says Schopenhauer. Why didn't we go there? It was decided!
By you, says Gaius. We didn't have time.
And it's closed for the winter, says Unni. But I'm going there one day.
Arthur thinks he would like to go there with Sweezus. Dismal Swamp. The name is like an elixir. Sweeter than Leeds.
.......
Sweezus is packing. Belle et Bonne is helping.
No, says Belle. You don't need those.
Yes I do, says Sweezus. This is more than a Tour. It's a marketing exercise.
He stuffs bundles of fliers and petitions into his backpack.
On top of them, he shoves the Team Outfits. One for him, one for Arthur, one for Unni. The outfits are red yellow, brown and black, with iridescent green leg bands. Team Get Up will look like a team of cycling cuttlefish, in the right light conditions.
........
Vello is packed. He is ready. He is at the airport. He is waiting for David.
It's time for boarding. And David is late.
Alejandro Valverde is in his pyjamas, watching television. It's Peppa Pig. The one where Daddy Pig tries to put up a picture and knocks a big hole in the wall.
Ha ha! laughs Alejandro Valverde. He looks at his watch. It's too early to head off to Leeds.
.......
Alberto Contador is also in his pyjamas. He is watching a video. It is a video of the road between Leeds and Harrogate, somewhat blurry. Alberto has not been to Leeds. He has not been to Harrogate. Madre de dios! How it looks ordinary!
Every half hour, he gets up and goes out to the shed to check on his bicycle. El Pistolero is that kind of guy.
..........
Ageless lobster is in the State Library in Adelaide. He has been sleeping there under a table.
A foot kicks him, accidentally.
The foot's owner looks under the table.
Ageless! says Professor Freud. Why aren't you in Leeds?
Ageless sighs, and tells Professor Freud everything. It's all gone cactus. He hasn't a team. But last night he had a strange dream. He was cycling under water...........
.........
Captain Louttit has obtained a deluxe suite on the Spirit of Tasmania, thanks to his connections, and everyone has slept well. Now they are docking in Melbourne.
First, says Unni, I'm off to see mum. I'll meet you on Saturday in Leeds.
Goodbye Unni, says Gaius. I hope you've enjoyed Tasmania.
Oh yes, says Unni. I have just one regret. We didn't make it to Dismal Swamp.
Dismal Swamp! says Schopenhauer. Why didn't we go there? It was decided!
By you, says Gaius. We didn't have time.
And it's closed for the winter, says Unni. But I'm going there one day.
Arthur thinks he would like to go there with Sweezus. Dismal Swamp. The name is like an elixir. Sweeter than Leeds.
.......
Sweezus is packing. Belle et Bonne is helping.
No, says Belle. You don't need those.
Yes I do, says Sweezus. This is more than a Tour. It's a marketing exercise.
He stuffs bundles of fliers and petitions into his backpack.
On top of them, he shoves the Team Outfits. One for him, one for Arthur, one for Unni. The outfits are red yellow, brown and black, with iridescent green leg bands. Team Get Up will look like a team of cycling cuttlefish, in the right light conditions.
........
Vello is packed. He is ready. He is at the airport. He is waiting for David.
It's time for boarding. And David is late.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
The Downside Of Compassion
They spend the night sleeping in comfort, in Scottsdale.
All but one of them.
Captain Louttit has been overlooked in Schopenhauer's bicycle basket. The bicycle of course is outside.
It's four degrees Celsius in Scottsdale, on average in July, overnight, according to Willyweather.
Captain Louttit is abandoned. No one has come out to get him.
The salt water in the plastic lined pale blue cloche hat is close to freezing, without actually freezing.
And Captain Louttit is not grateful for that.
He attempts to climb out of the basket. He can't do it.
His body is closing down. His mind wanders. He dreams a cold watery dream.
He is riding beside Ageless, on the cold ocean floor, watched by fang tooth fish, vampire squid and sea urchins........
.......
Next morning, bright and early, they check out of the small B and B, and pick up their bicycles.
Wurrrrrhuurrrr.....!
What's that noise? cries Unni. Oh no! It's Captain Louttit! We left him outside!
Wurrrrrhuurrrr! says Captain Louttit.
He's caught a chill, says Schopenhauer. I know that breathing.
He needs to warm up, says Unni, lifting Captain Louttit out of the splintery water.
Ughhh! Chkkk! says Capttain Louttit. I need a stiff shot of brandy.
What a lovely idea. Arthur heads off to the bottle shop.
We can't wait about, says Gaius. Are you all right to travel?
Of course he is, says de Freycinet. He's a sailor.
Arthur returns with a bottle of brandy.
How much? asks Schopenhauer, taking out his wallet.
Arthur can't remember. Schopenhauer gives him a fifty.
Captain Louttit has a swig. He feels better already.
I'm alright to travel, says Captain Louttit. But I've still got the shivers. I need to warm up.
His eye falls on the Platonic Ideal.
The Platonic Ideal, on which he dreamed he was riding with Ageless on the floor of the ocean.....watched by fang fish and urchins and squid.
The perfect time for my lesson! says Captain Louttit.
Tch! says Gaius. You'll hold us all up.
No, I won't, says Captain Louttit. Last night I dreamed up a certain degree of efficiency.
He clambers onto the Platonic Ideal, without the advantage of strappings.
He stretches his legs to the pedals, grabs the handlbars. Crick crack! He starts pedaling down the road out of Scottsdale.
Brilliant, says Schopenhauer. There goes my bicycle.
.......
They are soon in Launceston, at the bus station, buying tickets for the Hobart Express which will take them to Devonport in time to catch the night ferry.
Schopenhauer is in a bad mood. He has been dinkied from Scottsdale, by Gaius. His trousers are ruined. His bicycle smells faintly of lobster.
And now he must pay for the tickets.
All but one of them.
Captain Louttit has been overlooked in Schopenhauer's bicycle basket. The bicycle of course is outside.
It's four degrees Celsius in Scottsdale, on average in July, overnight, according to Willyweather.
Captain Louttit is abandoned. No one has come out to get him.
The salt water in the plastic lined pale blue cloche hat is close to freezing, without actually freezing.
And Captain Louttit is not grateful for that.
He attempts to climb out of the basket. He can't do it.
His body is closing down. His mind wanders. He dreams a cold watery dream.
He is riding beside Ageless, on the cold ocean floor, watched by fang tooth fish, vampire squid and sea urchins........
.......
Next morning, bright and early, they check out of the small B and B, and pick up their bicycles.
Wurrrrrhuurrrr.....!
What's that noise? cries Unni. Oh no! It's Captain Louttit! We left him outside!
Wurrrrrhuurrrr! says Captain Louttit.
He's caught a chill, says Schopenhauer. I know that breathing.
He needs to warm up, says Unni, lifting Captain Louttit out of the splintery water.
Ughhh! Chkkk! says Capttain Louttit. I need a stiff shot of brandy.
What a lovely idea. Arthur heads off to the bottle shop.
We can't wait about, says Gaius. Are you all right to travel?
Of course he is, says de Freycinet. He's a sailor.
Arthur returns with a bottle of brandy.
How much? asks Schopenhauer, taking out his wallet.
Arthur can't remember. Schopenhauer gives him a fifty.
Captain Louttit has a swig. He feels better already.
I'm alright to travel, says Captain Louttit. But I've still got the shivers. I need to warm up.
His eye falls on the Platonic Ideal.
The Platonic Ideal, on which he dreamed he was riding with Ageless on the floor of the ocean.....watched by fang fish and urchins and squid.
The perfect time for my lesson! says Captain Louttit.
Tch! says Gaius. You'll hold us all up.
No, I won't, says Captain Louttit. Last night I dreamed up a certain degree of efficiency.
He clambers onto the Platonic Ideal, without the advantage of strappings.
He stretches his legs to the pedals, grabs the handlbars. Crick crack! He starts pedaling down the road out of Scottsdale.
Brilliant, says Schopenhauer. There goes my bicycle.
.......
They are soon in Launceston, at the bus station, buying tickets for the Hobart Express which will take them to Devonport in time to catch the night ferry.
Schopenhauer is in a bad mood. He has been dinkied from Scottsdale, by Gaius. His trousers are ruined. His bicycle smells faintly of lobster.
And now he must pay for the tickets.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
How Men Take The Credit
Back in Adelaide, in the Velosophy office, Sweezus is talking to Belle.
It's all sorted, says Sweezus.
Good, says Belle et Bonne. When are they coming?
Before Saturday, says Sweezus. Probably Friday. They're still in Tassie.
Ooh, says Belle et Bonne. Gaius too? Does papa know?
Know what? says Vello coming in unexpectedly.
Gaius is still in Tasmania, says Belle et Bonne.
Give me the phone, says Vello.
He calls Gaius's number.
Gaius?
Hello?
Gaius, don't tell me you're still in Tasmania?
Ahem! I am. But I ...
Have you forgotten the Tour?
No, of course not. In fact I'm getting......
Very good. Is Schopenhauer still with you?
Yes. But you'd hardly know him these days, he's ..........
So I believe. Young Sweezus has just published his piece. It seems he's changed his philosophy completely. Caused quite a sensation back here, not to mention in Europe.
You're breaking up, Vello.......
Am I ?.... drat this stupid device......Belle........what do I do.........what button.......?
..............
In Scottsdale, in a small Band B.
Gaius: I've just been talking to Vello.
Schopenhauer: I suppose he's getting a bit toey.
Gaius: He wants me back for the Tour. And he asked about you.
Schopenhauer: Me? What did he ....was it about me joining the team?
Gaius: I thought you weren't interested. And it wasn't about that. It was about how you've changed your philosophy. And it's been published, and caused a sensation.
Schopenhauer: Thunder and lightning! Calumny!
Unni: What's up?
Schopenhauer: We must return to Adelaide immediately!
Unni: We can't, we're only in Scottsdale.
Arthur: We could make a start.
Unni: It's night and it's freezing!
Louis-Claude de Freycinet: Calme-toi, chérie!
Unni: Pardon?
Louis-Claude de Freycinet: You shall not suffer the cold, my dear. We shall leave in the morning.
Arthur: My dear?
Unni: Shut up, Arthur. It's nice of him to think of my welfare.
Arthur: Are we going or not?
Gaius: No. We'll go in the morning. Arthur, work out the best way to do it.
Unni: We'll ride to Launceston in the morning. It's only sixty four kilometres. Then catch the afternoon bus to Devonport, the night ferry to Melbourne and the Overland back to Adelaide. We'll be there in two days.
Okay Arthur?
Sure, says Arthur. How's that, Gaius?
Very good, Arthur, says Gaius.
Yes, very good Arthur, says Unni.
It's all sorted, says Sweezus.
Good, says Belle et Bonne. When are they coming?
Before Saturday, says Sweezus. Probably Friday. They're still in Tassie.
Ooh, says Belle et Bonne. Gaius too? Does papa know?
Know what? says Vello coming in unexpectedly.
Gaius is still in Tasmania, says Belle et Bonne.
Give me the phone, says Vello.
He calls Gaius's number.
Gaius?
Hello?
Gaius, don't tell me you're still in Tasmania?
Ahem! I am. But I ...
Have you forgotten the Tour?
No, of course not. In fact I'm getting......
Very good. Is Schopenhauer still with you?
Yes. But you'd hardly know him these days, he's ..........
So I believe. Young Sweezus has just published his piece. It seems he's changed his philosophy completely. Caused quite a sensation back here, not to mention in Europe.
You're breaking up, Vello.......
Am I ?.... drat this stupid device......Belle........what do I do.........what button.......?
..............
In Scottsdale, in a small Band B.
Gaius: I've just been talking to Vello.
Schopenhauer: I suppose he's getting a bit toey.
Gaius: He wants me back for the Tour. And he asked about you.
Schopenhauer: Me? What did he ....was it about me joining the team?
Gaius: I thought you weren't interested. And it wasn't about that. It was about how you've changed your philosophy. And it's been published, and caused a sensation.
Schopenhauer: Thunder and lightning! Calumny!
Unni: What's up?
Schopenhauer: We must return to Adelaide immediately!
Unni: We can't, we're only in Scottsdale.
Arthur: We could make a start.
Unni: It's night and it's freezing!
Louis-Claude de Freycinet: Calme-toi, chérie!
Unni: Pardon?
Louis-Claude de Freycinet: You shall not suffer the cold, my dear. We shall leave in the morning.
Arthur: My dear?
Unni: Shut up, Arthur. It's nice of him to think of my welfare.
Arthur: Are we going or not?
Gaius: No. We'll go in the morning. Arthur, work out the best way to do it.
Unni: We'll ride to Launceston in the morning. It's only sixty four kilometres. Then catch the afternoon bus to Devonport, the night ferry to Melbourne and the Overland back to Adelaide. We'll be there in two days.
Okay Arthur?
Sure, says Arthur. How's that, Gaius?
Very good, Arthur, says Gaius.
Yes, very good Arthur, says Unni.
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