In Love With His Poetry Brother

Gaius is pleased with the results of the bird call experiment.

He leans in towards baby B-B.

Well now, little fellow, says Gaius, when you hear an alarm call, you will know what to do.

Yeah, shit in my latte, mutters Sweezus. What'll I do with this coffee?

If you fear going bald, says Gaius, I would advise you to drink it.

Nonsense! says David. To drink it would give him the runs.

On the contrary, says Gaius. Bird dung is a well known remedy for the colic.

Not these days, says Vello. I'm surprised at you, Gaius. Would YOU drink it?

Certainly not, says Gaius. It's gone cold. And I must go home to write up the experiment. If any of you see Arthur, ask him to call me.

He heads for the door.

Leaving the bird? says Sweezus.

Yes, says Gaius. I have no need of him now. And he is perfectly capable of living independently.

Am I? says baby B-B. In that case....

Luckily Gaius has already walked through the door.

You TALKED! says Terence.

Course I did, says baby B-B. I'm at least four weeks old. And I can fly now. And I've travelled all over the world.

(He hasn't)

So have I, says Terence, sucking his finger.

(He has)

Have you got a splinter? asks baby B-B.

Yes, says Terence. I got it from your moustache.

Moustache? says baby B-B. Have I got one? What's it for?

Dancing, says Terence who once saw a black and white movie in which a tall man with a moustache was dancing.

Oh, says baby B-B.

Suddenly the world seems alien and cold.

Want to be my parrot? asks Terence. We can be brothers.

Arthur's my brother, says baby B-B.

You can have two brothers, says Terence. And I'm more reliable. Arthur's a poet.

I'm a poet, says baby B-B.

So am I, says Terence. We can be poetry brothers. You go first.

the world seems cold and alien (says baby B-B)
because I found out
that my moustache is for dancing
which is something
sparks do
when they're escaping
after burning the marshmallow

That's good, says Terence. Now me:

if you die now
I won't have a parrot
so don't die now
you are my fourth parrot
the first one was a pigeon
it died
the second one was a balloon
it shrivelled
the third one was a crane
passing the tower of loneliness
if you die now
I won't have a parrot
so don't die now.

I won't, says baby B-B, who has fallen in love with his poetry brother.

Buzz Cut And Sting Fright

Terence stares hard at baby B-B.

Baby B-B stares hard at Terence.

Terence is going to try and scare baby B-B.

Baby B-B is going to be scared.

At the same time, baby B-B must listen for and internalise a warning signal from Gaius.

He is ready.

Terence is not. Terence wants to scare baby B-B with a carpentry tool in the manner of his stepfather Saint Joseph.

But there are no carpentry tools in the office.

Gaius, Sweezus, Vello, David and baby B-B wait expectantly.

Now Terence has a brain wave. He points to the top of his head.

See this! he says to baby B-B. This is a buzz cut. I'm going to give you a buzz cut. Buzz cuts really HURT!

This would be a little more scary if Terence did have a buzz cut.

But Gaius, who only knows classical haircuts, and thinks Terence must have a buzz cut, shouts TIC!

Baby B-B jumps, but not convincingly.

Buzz cut! frowns Sweezus. You don't have a buzz cut.

No, he doesn't, says Vello. He wanted one back in Ferney, but I put my foot down.

It would have been permanent, says Sweezus.

That's what I said, says Vello.

Whereas I was prepared to let him have a buzz cut, says David.

He ruffles the little cement curls on Terence's hard cement head.

So, Terence doesn't have a buzz cut, says Gaius. Drat! This has ruined the experiment.

Try a different terrifier, says Vello.

And another warning, says David. Try Chack!

Terence looks at baby B-B, crestfallen.

Baby B-B stares back.

Terence notices that baby B-B is a strange sort of parrot. He has little bristles growing all round his beak. What are they for?

Don't take this the wrong way, parrot, says Terence, grabbing hold of a tiny sharp bristle.

Ouch!

CHACK! cries Gaius.

Baby B-B reacts in terror, as if he's been stung.

So does Terence.

Excellent! exclaims Gaius. Now for the crux of the experiment.

What is the crux of the experiment?

Will baby B-B understand?

Baby B-B flutters down to perch on the desk as though the danger is over.

Gaius, methodical experimenter, shouts again: CHACK!

Baby B-B flies up in feigned terror, leaving a small faecal remnant in Sweezus's latte.

Bravo! A superb touch of class!

What We Know Is Absolutely True

It is dark in the Velosophy office.

Sweezus, Arthur, Dries and Pablo have gone out drinking.

Baby B-B is alone.

He attempts to empty his mind of everything.

It is hard, as anyone will know who's tried it.

Let us peek inside the head of baby B-B.

blank sheet blank sheet blanksheetblabla......

Oh yes, baby B-B is good at anything he sets his mind to!

Night rolls on.

Ding! It's morning.

Sweezus is first to come into the office.

You still here?

No answer from baby B-B.

Sweezus sits down.

Footsteps are heard outside the office, coming up the stairs.

The door opens. It's Vello and David.

Here we are! says Vello. Everything all right?

Yeah, says Sweezus. It's been pretty quiet. How was Paris?

Ugh, says Vello. Hopeless.

Yeah but they came to agreement, says Sweezus. We heard it in the pub. Everyone was clapping and stuff.

Read the small print, says Vello. No commitment to science. Emissions from shipping and aviation to be exempted.

That's shithouse, says Sweezus. How was your flight?

Very good, says David. How about offering us a cup of coffee?

Yep, says Sweezus. I'll get 'em.

He leaves the office and heads for the Bean Bar.

Look here, says David. This must be Gaius's bird.

He pokes at baby B-B.

Leave it, says Vello. It's supposed to be some sort of tabula rasa.

Oops, says David. Forget I did that, little bird.

Baby B-B stares back at him blankly, like the proper little genius he is.

Stomp, stomp! And other, lighter footsteps.

It's Terence, followed by Gaius, and Sweezus with three skinny lattes.

Where's my parrot? asks Terence, looking round the office.

Here, says Sweezus, indicating baby B-B.

Very funny, says Gaius. I assume this is the baby Bristlebird? And you have taught him nothing?

Nothing, says Sweezus.

( Which is, as we know, strictly speaking, true ).

I haven't a great deal of time, says Gaius. I am on the trail of the wondrous mantis shrimp, which has an optical ability rare in nature. Would you mind looking up some bird alarm calls for me, on your computer?

Sweezus obliges. He comes up with Tic! and Chack! and Seeeet!

Very good, says Gaius. We'll try those. But first, someone needs to terrify him, so that he makes the proper association.

Me! Me! says Terence.

And this is how Terence and baby B-B make their first acquaintance.

The Blank Shit

Baby B-B can fly now.

He flies round the office.

He flies out of the open window.

He flies back inside.

It is difficult to stop baby B-B flying long enough to learn the names of Twenty Persons.

Stop flying for a minute, says Dries.

Flap-flap. Can't I learn the names while I'm flying? asks Baby B-B. What's the first one?

Océane, says Dries.

No one said they were French names, says baby B-B. That's extra.

Bet you can't even say it, says Arthur.

Océane, says baby B-B, with an impeccable accent.

Awesome, says Sweezus. Let me try. Océ-aaane.

Shut up, says Pablo. She was my beloved. To hear her name now makes me sad.

I don't want to make Pablo sad, says baby B-B. I'll just learn nineteen names. Give me the whole list.

Robbe, Maxime, Manon, Jens, Arnaud, Silke, Hanne, Anais, Niels, Dries, Maarten, Amandine, Lore, Stijn, Arno, Femke, Jorne, Fien, Luna, says Dries.

Robbe, Maxime, Manon, Jens, Arnaud, Silke, Hanne..... says baby B-B. how am I going so far?

Amazeballs! says Sweezus. That's seven.

Eight, says baby B-B.

He's counting Océane, says Dries.

Yes I am, says baby B-B. And you are insensitive.

She's my cousin, says Dries. Go on...

Anais, Niels, Marten, Amandine, Lore, Stijn, Arno,  Femke, Jorne, Fien, Luna, says baby B-B.

You left me out, says Dries.

On purpose, says baby B-B.

That is not satisfactory, says Dries.

It will have to be, says baby B-B, because from now I am becoming a blank shit.

Silence reigns, as everyone takes in the implication.

Quid Pro Quo Flying

Baby B-B is glad now that Arthur will not be his mother.

He would be a really crap mother.

He would make him learn lessons and beat him, if he got them wrong.

He decides it will be safer to be Arthur's not-too-close brother.

He hops up on Pablo's lap.

(Pablo still smells of coffee)

Get off me, says Pablo.

Come here little birdie, says Dries.

Thank you, says baby B-B. I have one friend at least.

Sure you do, says Dries. And how good it is you are here. And that you are fluent in English is very good also.

Actually, says Sweezus, it isn't. It's kind of a bummer.

How come? asks Arthur.

Gaius, says Sweezus. He said it was important the bird was a kind of blank sheet. He wants to teach it alarm calls.

Well anyway, it is good for me, says Dries. And for Arthur and Pablo, who signed a contract undertaking to teach it to recite the names of the Twenty Persons.

Me? says baby B-B. I don't even know Twenty Persons.

I have the list here, says Dries. Do you think you could learn it?

Easily, says baby B-B.

Excellent, says Dries. This will mean Arthur and Pablo are let off the hook.

But I won't, says baby B-B. Because, what's in it for me? It seems I have the upper hand here.

Arthur likes baby B-B's spirit.

What do you want? asks Arthur. Besides me to be your mother, which isn't going to happen.

I want to learn to fly, says baby B-B. Before tomorrow, when Terence gets here.

Okay, says Arthur. Then will you learn the name list?

Not only that, says baby B-B. I'll be a blank shit as well.

Blank sheet, says Arthur. Pronunciation.

Blank sheet, says baby B-B. Thanks bro.

........

The Flying Lesson.

Arthur takes baby B-B to the top of the stairs.

Ready, says Arthur.

Arthur lets go.

Baby B-B drops like a stone to the top riser.

I wasn't ready, says baby B-B. Let's do it again.

Your feathers are too short, says Arthur. Try these.

He takes two dirty white feathers from his shorts pocket.

But these feathers have not flown anywhere for ages.

And they're not flying anywhere now.

Because baby B-B, has spotted, at the bottom of the stairs, a new golden feather.

He flies down the stairs faultlessly, to gather it up.

Your Parents Nearly Killed Me

Pablo and Dries have done a few circuits.

They have had two skinny lattes in Norwood.

Now they are due to meet Sweezus and Arthur, in town.

Here they are at the bottom of the stairs to the Velosophy office.

Pablo: Watch out for that bird!

Dries: Oops. Sorry bird.

Baby B-B: That's okay. You missed me.

Dries: But what is this feather? Have I dislodged it?

Baby B-B: No that is a golden feather from Mango. I'm brown.

Pablo: Yes this little bird's brown. That can't be its feather.

Dries: Okay, okay.

Pablo (looking closer): It looks like that bird that Arthur left in the coffee cup, only bigger.

Baby B-B: Yes it's me.

Pablo: Dios mio!

Dries: Yes, it seems to have followed us here.

Baby B-B: You smell of coffee, like my mother.

Dries: Is Mango your mother?

Pablo: Golden feather, remember. She can't be.

Dries: I forgot. So who is your mother?

Baby B-B: Arthur. Please give me a lift up the stairs.

Dries picks up baby B-B. The three of them go up the stairs.

Knock.

Hi guys, says Sweezus. Whatcha got there?

Present for Arthur, says Dries.

Arthur looks at his present, which is baby B-B.

Ma-ma, says baby B-B.

You got here early, says Arthur.

I got lifted, says baby B-B. By Mango. Give me a hug.

Arthur doesn't do hugs. Not ever.

Ask for something else, says Arthur.

Coffee, says baby B-B.

There's no coffee either.

The thing is, says Arthur. I left you behind for a reason.

What is it? asks baby B-B.

I'm tied up, says Arthur. And I can't .....

Let me tell him, says Sweezus.

Sweezus bends down to eye level with baby B-B.

It's okay, says Sweezus. Let me tell you a story about your parents.

Uh? says baby B-B.

They were Mr and Mrs Bristlebird, says Sweezus, And they full on nearly killed me. Wrecked my t shirt as well. We had to wrap 'em up in it and stuff 'em into a box with a python. We sent it to this guy Ray, who's an exorcist, but they were Dead On Arrival. All there was was this egg, which was you.

Baby B-B likes this story. Who wouldn't?

And the first person I saw when I was born was Arthur, so now he's my mother, says baby B-B.

No he isn't, says Sweezus.

Sorry to contradict you, says baby B-B. He is.

He looks enquiringly at Arthur.

My mother, says Arthur, made me learn huge chunks of the Bible, and beat me when I made a mistake.

What a head fuck, says Sweezus.

Well actually, says baby B-B, I'm pretty grown up now.

Cool, says Sweezus. You can hang out with us till tomorrow. Then you can hook up with Terence. He knows you're coming.

Who's Terence? asks baby B-B.

My....er....little.....Spanish relative, says Sweezus. And he really likes birds.

Casting Off And Almost Arriving

Gaius, Vello, David and Terence are flying Qantas from Paris to Adelaide, arriving on Friday.

No one is sorry about leaving Paris.

I can't say I'm sorry, says Vello. We've done all we can.

We have, says David. Now it's up to the others.

Yes, says Vello. But they'll never reach an agreement.

Not by Friday, says David.

The two philosophers, one of whom has done nothing in Paris but wave a smouldering stick, and the other, no more than dousing the stick in a hotel toilet, nod sagely.

It'll be good to be home, says Vello.

I hear it's quite hot, says David. Forty degrees, high winds and bush fires

Damn! says Vello. What foul weather! Let's hope it improves.

One good thing though, observes David. No more Terence.

No more Terence, echoes Vello, leaning back in his airline seat as far as possible and trying to catch the eye of the drinks trolley steward, as the trolley rolls by.

Vello orders two half bottles of Aussie red wine.

Ahh! It's almost as good as the French stuff.

Terence is sitting with Gaius a few seats behind.

The person on the left side of Gaius is sleeping, so Gaius is chatting to Terence, as if he were older.

Of the mantis shrimp, says Gaius, I know very little at this stage.

You know it's very little, says Terence. That's something.

No, no, says Gaius. I KNOW very little. However, you are correct. Being a shrimp, I suspect it is little, in the sense of being quite small. However we must remember, size is relative.

I know, says Terence. Saint Joseph isn't a relative.

But what has that got to do with his size? asks Gaius.

Ask the Virgin, says Terence. She says it has everything to do with it.

Gaius, suspecting something unpleasant, changes the subject.

And what are you most looking forward to, Terence, when you get home?

I'm getting a parrot, says Terence. Sweezus told me.

A parrot, how nice, says Gaius. I too am expecting a bird on arrival. A new baby Bristlebird.

They can be friends, says Terence.

Not immediately, says Gaius. The baby Bristlebird must be kept free of all outside influence, until I have taught it to recognise and reproduce endangered native bird alarm signals.

But after, says Terence.

We shall see, says Gaius.

.....

At this very moment, the long anticipated baby B-B is being dropped off by Mango at the bottom of the stairs to the Velosophy office.

Here we are, says Mango. Good luck and all that.

You can't leave me here, says baby B-B. At least wait till I've met my mother.

Up you go, says Mango. Top of the stairs. and knock boldly. I'm off now.

Mango makes to fly off. Flutter-flutter.

Baby B-B can't even get up the first riser.