Escaping Death And Its Meaning

Gaius frowns as he re-reads the paper by Ribera and Planas.

Vulcan's balls! Why didn't I go to Roque Nublo?

A tiny spider runs over his notebook.

He crushes it, without thinking.

Another, and another.

They go the same way.

Arthur slaps his knee. Squurp!

If this continues, there'll be no spiders left.....

Baby spiders! cries Terence.

Jumping Jupiter! cries Gaius. The spiders have hatched! And I've destroyed them!

There's hundreds, says Terence. I've popped twenty seven.

Sweezus looks over the back of his seat.

You can't even count twenty seven. Terence, put the lid on!

Terence replaces the lid of the shoe box. And covers the holes for the string.

The bus rolls into Las Palmas.

.....

Ying and Kong have not been idle.

They have taken Daniel O'Connell to see the sights of Las Palmas.

They have been to the Jardin Bótanico, and the Pueblo Canaria, a facsimile of a traditional Canarian village. They have listened politely to folk music. They have visited hipster hangouts in Pérez Galdós. They have eaten garlic mayo with fresh bread and marzipan pralines from Tejeda.

They are now in the Cathedral Santa Ana, looking at the glass box which is home to a mummified bishop.

Do you think that's really him? asks Daniel O'Connell.

Depends, says Ying. If you were a mummy, would you really be you?

A wise answer, says Kong.

Yes, says Daniel O'Connell. I do believe I would really be me.

A foolish answer, says Kong.

You're a great disappointment, says Daniel O'Connell.

I'm not feeling myself, says Kong. Ever since we entered and were greeted by that statue of Santa Ana. A very strange lady.

Ahem, coughs a Catholic tourist, overhearing. That 'strange lady' is Saint Anne, mother of the Virgin. Mind what you say, in her holy presence. And the presence of this bishop in the box here.

She indicates the venerable bishop, in his robes and mitre.

The venerable bishop grits his venerable teeth and lies there, in the full and certain knowledge that he really is he, but can't say so.

Apologising to the Catholic tourist, our friends leave the cathedral and head back to Hotel Parque.

.....and a shoe box, teeming with spiders.

That Our Lives Are Not Plotted

This could go either way.

Terence has remembered.

But he doesn't want Gaius to stop.

So he says nothing.

Gaius has forgotten about stopping to search for more spider eggs, but his feet hurt.

He stops near the rock that Arthur kicked with his shit-crusted shoe.

Never think that our lives are not plotted.

And so it is that Gaius spots exposed spider egg sacs wrapped in silk webbing.

He scoops them up and drops them into the shoe box.

He sits down. Loosens his Timberland boots.

Wiggles his toes, letting the air in.

Can we get going, says Terence.

Gaius puts his new boots back on, and gets going, dragging Terence in the shoebox.

At the top, Sweezus and Arthur are waiting, with the young Pesquet.

But the parent Pesquets have flown, thereby escaping the terrors of Terence's team.

They are following a bus back to Las Palmas, where they will wait for the next ferry to Santa Cruz de Tenerife, and fly home behind it.

Where are the big parrots? asks Terence.

Gone home, says the Pesquet.

Wah! says Terence. Now I've only got one.

What are you talking about? asks the Pesquet.

His parrot team, says Gaius. Now you're the only one in it.

Come on guys! says Sweezus. Bus is coming!

Wait, says Gaius. Just putting on my Crocs. The new boots were pinching.

I'll have them, says Arthur.

Soon they are all on the bus.

Terence is sitting next to the shoe box.

Gaius is copying notes. 'Oceanic islands are excellent natural laboratories for revealing evolutionary mechanisms involved in colonisation and species diversity...'

Sweezus is thinking.

A parrot cycling team, that's heaps funny.

Not all that funny, says Arthur. Remember Ageless? Remember the dead jellyfish on wheels?

Yeah... says Sweezus. I guess crazy things happen. Hey, d'you know if Pablo's coming?

Probably, says Arthur.

That's three of us, says Sweezus. We need one more.

There's always the parrot, says Arthur.

Not gonna happen, says Sweezus. We need to work hard on a victory. I'm sick of not winning. I've got this dream of being King of the Mountain.

On Willy Hill, says Arthur. You'll do it.

But yeah, Peter Sagan..... says Sweezus.

Don't worry, says Arthur. I'll deal with Peter Sagan.

Sweezus relaxes. It's good to have a someone like Arthur on your team.

Pf! Pf! Pf! Pf!

Hear that? No one's listening. No one's watching.

The spider eggs pop, one by one

Only The Black Bits

Gaius is used to adversity.

Terence is not.

In spite of the excellence of Gaius's grass string, the Havaianas slip off.

I'm not coming! says Terence. I keep slipping backwards.

Not surprising, says Gaius. Well, there nothing else for it. Get into the shoe box. I'll haul you up.

He unties the string holding Terence to Sweezus's Havaianas, and makes two holes in one end of the shoe box. Then he threads in the string.

Terence climbs into the shoebox.

Where are the spider eggs? asks Gaius.

Terence has lost them.

We'll collect more on the way up, says Gaius. Remind me.

Terence is settled. Gaius starts up the camino.

The new Timberland hiking boots have great grip. Pity they're one size too small.

Terence is heavy. Gaius is sweating.

Terence feels sorry.

I'm sorry, says Terence.

Never mind. This is good for me, says Gaius. I've been out of shape.

Me too, says Terence. I don't have toe spaces.

I know that, says Gaius. But I meant fitness. Huh...huh... I have a big bicycle race coming up soon. I don't want to let down the team.

My parrot's going in it, says Terence.

I don't think so, says Gaius. They don't allow birds to go in it.

In their own team, says Terence. I just need more parrots.

You've got three now, says Gaius.

Terence hadn't thought about that.

Sweezus and Arthur are half way up the camino.

This crater's only 2000 years old, says Sweezus.

You can't tell, says Arthur.

No, you can't, says Sweezus. All this growth and stuff.

He looks at the growth and stuff. Notices something.

You've got bird shit on your shoe. Did you know that?

Yes, says Arthur. It happened in the shoe shop. The evil parrots attacked me.

Grumious, says Sweezus. What did you do?

Nothing, they kicked us all out, says Arthur. But I got these shoes for nothing.

Why don't you clean off the bird shit?

It's coming off by itself.  It dries up and drops off.

Only the black bits.

That's true.

Arthur kicks at a rock to hasten the process.

Now they are at the top of the camino.

The three Pesquet's Parrots are waiting. Chatting about family matters in a palm tree.

Arthur wishes he hadn't left the two shoe boxes down at the bottom. His hand closes round the sharp spines in his pocket.

Sweezus seems oblivious. Looking back down the trail for Terence and Gaius.

Well dear, says Mother Pesquet, We might bugaroff now.

Good luck in the Tour Down Under, says Father Pesquet. We'll be cheering you on, from Parque Loro.

You're the first one in our family to learn the bicycle, says Mother Pesquet.

O mother, says the young Pesquet. If only you knew.

But he doesn't like to spill the dark secret of Parque Loro.

Hurry up and bugaroff, you old Pesquets.

Danger is approaching in the shape of a shoe box.

Your only hope is that Terence remembers to remind Gaius to stop.

The Power Of Attachment

Arthur gets off the bus, with two shoe boxes.

He looks for the sign: Camino fondo.

He heads down the trail.

Two hikers are coming up from the bottom.

Hi, says the hikers. You're well prepared!

I always bring two extra pairs of shoes with me, says Arthur.

Hey look, says one of the hikers. Pesquet's Parrots!

Arthur turns. Looks. Yes it's those two Pesquet's parrots.

The shoe boxes might come in handy.

He makes his way down, in his soft suede and cork ridged sole Marges, not even sliding.

His friends have been waiting.

Arthur! says Terence. Look at my shoes!

Terence is standing in the middle of Sweezus's Havaianas.

Turns out he didn't have toe spaces.

Can you walk in them? asks Arthur.

Not yet, says Terence. I might need some string.

Arthur, says Gaius. Good of you to go to this trouble. Are these my shoes?

Yes, or these ones, says Arthur. We bought two different sizes.

I'll have the big ones, says Sweezus, opening the box with the size 44s.

Wicked! says Sweezus. Timberland Grafton Hikers. What's Gaius got?

The same, says Arthur. One size smaller.

Gaius tries them on. They pinch a little, but they will get him up the Caldera Bandama.

The young Pesquet flies in, trailing a bunch of long grasses.

String, says the Pesquet. Who's going to make it?

Me, says Terence. I can make string.

He sits down on a rock and starts breaking the stalks into pieces.

(This is not how you make string. Terence has wrecked it).

The young Pesquet flies off to get more.

Up in a dragon tree, the parent Pesquets are watching.

I'm so proud of our boy, says Mother Pesquet. Did you see how he simply...

......flew off to find more grasses, says Father Pesquet. Not one cross word did he utter.

Let's follow him, says Mother.

They rise up discreetly, and fly after their son, the young Pesquet.

Pesky has landed in some grasses. He bites at the stalks with his beak.

It's not what his beak has evolved for, but he is determined.

Mi picanini! cries mother.

Mother, cries Pesky. And Father! You followed me!

We did, says Mother. And we're proud of how grown up you are.

Come back with me, says the Pesky. Help me carry the grasses.

When they arrive at the campsite, Arthur and Sweezus have gone.

Leaving Gaius to figure out how to make string out of grasses.

And then, how to attach long Havaianas to Terence's short cement feet.

Man Boots

Kong wakes up early.

Ying stumbles out of her room.

Daniel O'Connell pushes open the lid of his soap box.

Any news? asks Daniel O'Connell.

Yes, says Kong. Gaius found a clutch of spider eggs. Very promising. You look well this morning.

And why wouldn't I? asks Daniel O'Connell. What kind of eggs are they?

They don't know, says Kong. They need shoes.

You don't say? says Daniel O'Connell. They might be those tap-dancing spiders.

Use your head, says Kong. It's Gaius and Sweezus who need shoes.

Arthur has been feigning sleep until this point.

Now he feigns waking up.

Yawn!

Why do they need shoes? They had shoes.

They can't get out of the Caldera, says Kong. They need non-slip shoes.

Lucky we're going shopping this morning, says Ying. We'll buy them some shoes. What size are they?

Round about the same as me, says Arthur.

That is quite likely.

Soon they are out and about in Las Palmas, looking for shoe shops.

Geox.... Foot Locker.....Camping.

Camping has a sale on.

These ones, says the assistant, have thirty percent off.

Arthur likes the look of the shoes, which are called 'Marges'.

Soft suede and cork, ridged sole, cushioned latex insole, lightweight etc.

Try them on, says Ying.

Arthur is trying them on when a kerfuffle erupts in the doorway.

Two large Pesquet's Parrots are trying to force their way in.

Arthur stands up, in the comfortable Marges.

Merde! It's them! He pulls two sea urchin spines from his pocket.

Mother Pesquet looks pleadingly into the blue eyes of Arthur.

Father Pesquet darts forward and shits on his shoe.

Santo cielo! cries the assistant. You can keep those shoes now. But you must leave this shop, pronto!

A good outcome.

Arthur thinks so. And Ying is pretty happy. Saving money. Only Kong has reservations.

I have reservations, says Kong.

We only scored one pair, says Arthur. Is that it?

And that pair is yours, says Kong. You left your old shoes in the shop, remember. We're no better off.

So they head off to Foot Locker, who also have a sale on, and buy two pairs of Timberland Hiker Hombre Botas, in two random sizes, 43 and 44.

Arthur offers to be the one to deliver them.

Kong is only too glad not to have to. He goes off to look for a tea shop.

We're getting warmer, whispers Father Pesquet to Mother Pesquet, in the dark reaches of the highest palm tree, as Arthur heads for the bus stop.

Toes Between Spaces And Stars

It's quite dark now. And they are still at the bottom of the volcanic crater.

The Pesquet has gathered a whole pile of Prickly Pears, and smashed them open.

Now they have food.

Then he has flown up to the top of the Caldera with Gaius's phone.

There he has pressed the call button, and Kong has answered.

Yes?

It's me, the Pesquet. Could you bring two pairs of non-slip shoes to the Caldera Bandama? Yes, the bottom. No they can't get up, it's too slippery. Gaius tried calling but there was no coverage down there. Yes. Eggs. Yes, Prickly Pears. Yes, alright. See you in the morning....what? No, I don't know, probably the same size as yours.....

He flies down again.

Kong's bringing two pairs of shoes in the morning.

Two pairs? says Terence.

You don't need shoes, says the Pesquet.

Terence doesn't like this new pear-finding, phone-using, bossy-socks Pesquet.

I WANT shoes! says Terence.

I can fix that, says the Pesquet.

He takes two Prickly Pear skins and fashions them into purple shoe shapes, with seed rippled soles.

Terence hates them.

He stomps off in the dark.

Sweezus goes after him.

Hey, buddy, you can wear my old Havaianas.

Can I?

Yeah. When I get my new shoes in the morning.

Can I try them on now?

No. But if you come back to the camp site I'll ask Gaius if you can be in charge of the spiders.

He hasn't got any spiders.

The eggs then.

Okay.

They go back to the camp site.

This is pleasant, says Gaius. The stars above us. The scent of Prickly Pear skins. I think I'll turn in.

He lies down on the gravel and falls asleep at once. The old Roman.

Happy? asks the Pesquet.

NO! says Terence. YES! But not because of YOU!

So, that's a yes, says the Pesquet.

I'm allowed to have Sweezus's Havaianas, in the morning.

That's good. Is there a space between your big toe and the next one?

Terence peers at his toes.

In the dark it's not possible to see if there are any spaces between them.

He is confident there will be.

He lies down, but keeps his eyes open, because he's in charge of the spider eggs.

The Art of Being The End Product

On the floor of the volcanic crater, shadows are deepening.

Better be heading on up, says the tourist. It takes longer than coming down, I assure you.

See ya, says Sweezus. We have to wait here.

What for? asks the tourist.

Team leader, says Sweezus.

So long then, says the tourist and starts heading up in his sensible non-slip shoes.

I'm hungry, says the Pesquet.

Me too, says Terence.

Stay here. I'll be back shortly, says the Pesquet.

He flies up to look for the Prickly Pear he spotted earlier.

How do you like your present? asks Sweezus.

What present? asks Terence.

This adventure, says Sweezus. Cool huh?

I didn't like that man, says Terence. He told me off for not having a sun hat.

He was a bit of a pain, agrees Sweezus.

..in the bumhole, says Terence.

Will he get into trouble for saying bumhole?

Sweezus appears not to notice.

..in the head, says Sweezus. He knew a lot of stuff though.

What? says Terence.

Like how this place got its name. Maybe you missed it. Van Damme, Bandama.

Missed what? says Terence.

When a name goes into another language, says Sweezus, sometimes it gets, like... not pronounced the same, van damme becomes ban damme and ban damme becomes bandama.

What happened to your name? asks Terence.

End product, says Sweezus. Twitter.

Terence is still thinking about this when the Pesquet returns with a red Prickly Pear in his beak and drops it.

Want some?

It's red, of course Terence wants it.

Did you see Gaius up there? says Sweezus. What's he doing?

Talking, says the Pesquet. To the man with the sun hat. They were poking at little white things.

Sweezus looks up through the gathering gloom.

A sliding sound is heard and a few balls of volcanic gravel start bouncing towards him.

Ouch! says Gaius. These Crocs are useless! What shoes are you wearing?

Havaianas, says Sweezus. They were awesome coming down but I don't reckon they'll get me back up in a hurry.

Damn! says Gaius. But good news, however! Look at these! Spider eggs.

He unfolds them.

Wicked, says Sweezus. Almost as good as real spiders.

Better, says Gaius. As long as...hmm... I need to identify them, of course. There are many different types of spider eggs.

With different spiders inside, says the Pesquet.

Of course, says Gaius, coldly. What I meant was there are different egg types, round ball, disc, squishy, fluffy and spiky.

How do I eat this? asks Terence, confronting his Pear.

Head first, says the Pesquet.

He dives at the Prickly Pear and bursts it open.

You know what? says Sweezus. They make Prickly Pear Ice Cream, on Tenerife.

So what? says Terence.

That's what this is, says Sweezus. A Prickly Pear.

Why is everybody so smart? Why does everybody KNOW everything?

Terence sticks out his little cement tongue. Licks the red pear juice.

Mm. Bubblegum and watermelon. Yum.