Stage 6: Binche to Longwy - Mothers

Another hilly stage. But no cobbles.

Tadej Pogacar has decided to win (and he does).

To be fair, so have many others (but they don't).

The teams exit Binche, a Belgian town famous for weird clowns wearing wax masks and ostrich plumed hats.

The weird clowns have looked forward to this day, as the Binche festival this year was cancelled.

Some of them are on the footpath, doing weird dances. Others are carrying baskets of oranges.

The police keep a watch to make sure they don't throw them at the riders.

See those weird clowns? says Sweezus.

I did, says Pablo. Won't they frighten Terence?

Nah, says Sweezus. Terence is way down the road at the feed zone.

Arthur is eating an orange.

Where'd you get that? asks Sweezus.

From a clown, says Arthur.

Wout van Aert shoots by.

Look at him, says Pablo. He is not giving up his yellow jersey easily.

Did he have an orange? asks Sweezus.

Didn't look like it, says Arthur. Want a suck of mine?

Sweezus accepts a suck of Arthur's orange.

What did Sirene pack today? asks Sweezus. 

I don't know, says Pablo, but I did mention that we need to have protein.

Great, says Sweezus. What do you reckon a mermaid would think of as protein?

Fish, says Arthur.

Maybe not fish, says Pablo. Think about it.

They think about it.

Maybe not fish.

A little further up the road Team Philosophe is nibbling on Power bars, and chatting.

Do you think of yourself more as a sprinter? asks Vello.

No, says N F S. I think of mysef as an all rounder. Somehat like young Tadej. Why do you ask?

Because you have done little so far, says Vello.

To be fair, says David. Neither have we.

True, says Vello. But new blood was what we wanted.

I shall make my move when the time feels right, says N F S Grundtvig. 

Aha! says Vello. So your decisions are not purely rational.

Are yours? asks N F S.

Not always, says David.

Speak for yourself, says Vello.

I was, says David. I must say sometimes the time does feel right. I would not be surprised to see Arthur doing something spectacular today.

Why is that? asks Vello.

We will be going through Charleville-Mézières, his birth place, says David. Perhaps his dear mother will be standing at the roadside.

Phfft! snorts Vello. That would certainly put the wind up young Arthur. I'm sure that his mother died years ago.

Ha ha! laughs N F S Grundtvig, before checking himself.

And he was not fond of his mother, says Vello. He called her the Mouth of Darkness.

That doesn't mean he was not fond of her, says N F S Grundtvig.

If you say so, says Vello. 

They ride on, chewing thoughtfully, thinking of their respective mothers.

At least Katherine is still alive and kicking. They reach the first feed zone.

Katherine hands them musettes full of warm buckwheat pancakes.

Stage 5: Lille to Arenburg - Lack of Snack

No one is looking forward to the cobbles.

Some riders are pretending they are.

Bring it on, say one or two of them.

But who can believe them?

Pablo has talked to Sirene, before the race started.

What's in our feedbags today? he has asked.

Lovely things, she has replied.  

Not too sugary I hope? he has responded.

Sugar gives you a great burst of energy, she has smiled. 

That is so, Pablo has answered, but we need protein also.

What is protein? Sirene has looked puzzled.

Pablo had to go then, because the race was just starting, but now he holds little hope of Team Condor triumphing today.

Later, as the teams reach the cobbles, Sweezus feels hungry.

He reaches into his ovoid back pocket, where he has shoved something sticky.

O yum! A marmalade croqueline! 

Bump! He hits the first cobble.

He drops the marmalade croqueline.

Bugger! And he can't stop now, can he?

Pablo and Arthur are not far behind him, watching his back.

They are in a position to see what happens next.

The marmalade croqueline lies inert, between two real cobbles.

Being orange, it looks like a third cobble.

Several riders flatten it. Sweeeersh!

Baby Pierre, who has mapped his way, in his head, between the cobbles, is confounded.

Pluh! He hits the pastry, and falls off his bike.

The two riders of team Romeo-Knowlesi stop behind him.

Give me that bike, cries Baby Pierre. It's mine anyway!

Will they or won't they?

Arthur and Pablo have passed the marmalade carnage by now, so we do not know.

They pass Vingegaard, who has just had a puncture, and Wout van Aert, who has heroically stopped to support him.

They pass Sweezus, who is flagging because of the lack of the snack.

But it is minutes (at least) before they get to the finish and find out that Simon Clarke has won the stage, for Team Israel Premier Tech. An Aussie!

Top job, Clarkey!

Stage 4: Dunkerque to Calais - Furious

Stage four.

The first one in France.

There are six hills to climb before the finish.

Magnus Cort is determined to keep his polkadot jersey.

Wout van Aert is determined to win, in the yellow.

Let's see how it goes.

Magnus Cort is in a breakaway with Anthony Perez.

We are way ahead of everyone else, says Magnus Cort, over his shoulder.

I know, says Anthony Perez. Let's keep going.

Can you believe this is all they are saying!

Let us slip back to the peloton where there may be more interesting conversations.

Team Philosophe have just picked up their musettes from Katherine.

They rummage inside.

What is this? cries Vello. It feels like jelly!

It must be the potjevleesch, says David. She did say we could slurp it.

I've got it! says N F S. No I haven't! It slipped out of my hands.

Have you lost it? asks Vello, licking his fingers.

No, it is at the bottom of my musette, in jelly-like pieces! says N F S. 

Calm down, says David. Pick up the jelly-like pieces one by one.

N F S picks up a jelly-like piece with his fingers.

It's hard to concentrate on two things at once, but he does it.

Christophe Laporte comes up behind.

Do I smell potch?

Is that what they call it? says Vello. What does it consist of?

Pork, chicken and veal in jelly, says Christophe. Funny food you've been given. Who's your soigneuse?

My mother, says David.

Desolé, says Christophe. Mothers always know best.

He speeds off (in order to come third, some time later).

Well, that was a more interesting conversation.

Let's move on.

Sweezus is eating a pastry flavoured with coffee and chicory.

This is more like it, says Sweezus. No salt.

Want to try for King of the Mountain? asks Arthur.

Maybe the last one, says Sweezus. What is it?

Cote du Cap Blanc-Nez, says Arthur.

I'll decide later, says Sweezus. 

Hey! says Pablo, are you losing your passion for winning? Have you consumed too much sugar? How many pastries have you eaten?

About six, says Sweezus.

Pablo determines to speak to Sirene.

Too much salt, now too much sugar. What is she thinking?

Below them two frogs on a tiny bicycle speed by, pursued by a furious Baby Pierre.

If they are saying anything, we can't hear it.

Up at the front, Jasper Philipsen fulfils his dream of winning, momentarily.

He has not realised that Wout van Aert has crossed the finish line already.

Transfer Day - Saltwater Person

The teams have been flown to Dunkerque.

From now on they'll be cycling through France, as is proper.

Team Condor and Team Philosophe are in a café, eating waffles.

Katherine is there too, and Sirene, and Terence.

They are discussing the feeding arrangements.

No offence, Sirene, says Sweezus, but too much salt makes us dehydrated.

Sorry, says Sirene. I'm a salt water person.

And it did not help, the salt water you gave us, says Pablo.

I didn't mind it, says Arthur.

Sirene smiles at Arthur.

Those sausages yesterday were quite tasty, says N F S Grundtvig.

Yeah, sausages, says Sweezus. Maybe put something like them in the sandwiches.

I do not know any French sausages, says Sirene.

A sausage is a sausage, says David.

There are many types of sausage, says N F S Grundtvig.

Can we stop talking about sausages, says Terence. 

Certainly, says Vello. What would you like to talk about?

She's got a tail! says Terence.

I haven't, says Sirene, tucking her feet under her long flowing skirt.

I saw it, says Terence.

I don't have it now, says Sirene.

My goodness! says Katherine. Did you have one at some point?

Well, yes, says Sirene. I'm not ashamed of it. But on land I need legs and feet.

Just like den Lille Havfrue! says N F S Grundtvig.

I am den Lille Havefrue, says Sirene. 

Which is? asks Vello. 

The Little Mermaid, says N F S Grundtvig. That explains all the salt she put in Team Condor's sandwich.

Cool, says Sweezus. But we do need less of it.

I am willing to learn, says Sirene. But my boyfriend likes it.

Baby Pierre, says Terence. Where is he?

He is chasing the frogs, says Sirene. He wants his spare bike back. 

NO! cries Terence. He can't have it.

That's between him and them, says Katherine. So anyway, what would you like in your musettes for tomorrow? It's a hilly stage.

Something sustaining, says Vello.

How about potjevleesch? asks Katherine. I saw it in a local market. It looked substantial but easy to digest. By the look of the texture, I believe you could slurp it.

Sounds perfect, says Vello.

What would you like? asks Sirene. looking at Arthur.

Same, says Arthur.

She smiles at Arthur again. 

He seems like such a nice person.

Stage 3: Vejle to Sonderborg - Ring-riders

Another fine day, in Denmark.

The teams roll out of Vejle.

Team Condor are riding together.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Today you guys need to support me.

We always support you, says Pablo. 

Not yesterday, says Sweezus. I thought I was cactus, before the end. At least you guys got those sandwiches.

But you know what was in them, says Pablo.

It's still protein, says Sweezus. Don't you reckon?

Dead flies, says Arthur. I've had worse. But I was glad they were tiny.

The flies weren't that tiny, says Pablo.

The sandwiches, says Arthur. They were tiny.

We'll be okay today, says Pablo. Thanks to Baby Pierre's girlfriend.

Baby Pierre's girlfriend! He said he didn't have one!

Let's investigate.

Katherine is waiting at the feeding station, with Terence and a pretty young lady, in a long flowing skirt.

I'n so happy to have met you, says the pretty young lady. 

Likewise, Sirene, says Katherine. And it was kind of you to make up musettes for the boys.

O yes, says Sirene. I had plenty of time to do it, as my boyfriend Baby Pierre only wants water.

If only Team Philosophe merely wanted water, says Katherine. I had all sorts of bother. In the end I bought these funny Danish sausages.

Let me see, says Sirene. O these are our famous Ring-riders!

Dear me, are they? says Katherine. I hope that doesn't mean what it sounds like.

No, no, it doesn't, says Sirene. It's to do with horse riding.

I've got a horse, says Terence. Well I havent,  but I've got a toy one. Except I haven't, because I lost it. 

I see, says Sirene. What a lovely story!

Team Condor rides up and slows down to take their musettes from Sirene.

Tak, says Sweezus. Tak, Sirene, says Pablo. Thanks, says Arthur.

Sirene smiles at Arthur.

I hope you like salt, murmurs Sirene.

Team Philosophe trundles by, each grabbing a musette from Katherine.

Ring-rider sausages! shout Katherine, introducing a frisson of fear in the members.

But once again we are forgetting what's important.

Which is.

Who will win this?

Let us fast forward to the finish. Is it Peter Sagan? No, he has come fourth.

Is it Jasper Philipsen? No, he has come third.

Is it Wout van Aert? Surely it is? No, he has come second.

It is Dylan Groenewegen. 

Well, he deserves it.

Stage 2: Roskilde to Nyborg - Thrilling

A fine day. The sun is shining.

The teams pedal through green countryside passsing occasional houses.

You would swear it was France. 

No wait, that castle looks different! 

So much for the ambience.

Terence is waitng at the first food station with Katherine.

I'm not sure about these sandwiches, says Katherine. 

Me too, says Terence. Why?

How will they unwrap them? says Katherine.

I didn't wrap them, says Terence.

What? says Katherine. 

The frogs' ones, says Terence, and Baby Pierre's.

You made them sandwiches? asks Katherine. The frogs aren't even in it.

They are, says Terence. Baby Pierre had a spare bike and my frogs are on it.

Are they part of his team? asks Katherine.

No, says Terence. Baby Pierre didn't want them. And guess what?

What? says Katherine.

The first riders are approaching. She needs to be ready.

Baby Pierre has a girlfriend, says Terence. 

Katherine spots Sweezus, who has positioned himself near the front of the peloton.

And Sweezus spots Katherine.

He reaches out for a musette but Katherine withdraws it.

Not for you, says Katherine. These are only for N F S, David and Vello.

Uh? says Sweezus. What about us?

Katherine's answer floats on the slipstream behind him.

He hasn't got any food now, says Terence. 

That's his problem, says Katherine.

A flash! a breeze! a zoom! a wheelie! and Baby Pierre stops.

Here, says Terence. It's a sandwich.

I only need drinks, says Baby Pierre. Have you got one?

No, says Terence. Ask your girlfriend.

She's not my girfriend, says Baby Pierre. He gets back on his bike.

Vello, David and N F S pedal towards Katherine, deep in discussion about Danish national literature. 

Sandwiches! calls Katherine.

They each grab their musettes, and sail by.

Did they say thank you? asks Katherine.

No, says Terence. Were they supposed to?

I guess not, says Katherine. I'm not loving this job.

Me either, says Terence. Yay! Here come my frogs!

A tiny bicycle speeds past them, with two frogs pedalling. It's not easy to see how they do it.

We don't want any food! cries the knowlesi.

Bumhole! says Terence. Sweezus could have eaten these sandwiches.

Give them to Arthur and Pablo, says Katherine. They're just coming.

So Arthur and Pablo get sandwiches, put together by Terence, for two frogs and a pebble....(don't ask what's in them)....and soon catch up to Sweezus, who is flagging.

In Nyborg, some time later, Fabio Jacobsen is .... is he?... yes!... just pipping Wout van Aert at the finish! 

Tour de France is always so thrilling!

.

Stage One: Copenhagen - Wet

This is not good. It is raining.

And today it's the time trials.

Vello, David and N F S Grundtvig stand waiting.

Those open sandwiches were nice, says Vello.

They were, agrees David.

We could ask Katherine to sandwich two open sandwiches together, says Vello.

Then it would just be a sandwich, says N F S Grundtvig.

With double the filling, says David.

Exactly, says Vello. And it wouldn't fall out.

The rain is pelting down.

One by one the riders zoom round the circuit: Pont de la Reine Louise, Trianglen, Sankt Jacob, La Petite Sirene, Kongans Nitorv.

There are many corners.

Sweezus and Arthur wait their turn.

Next rider to go down the chute is Geraint Thomas.

No way! says Sweezus. He still wearing his warm-up gilet! 

Bet he's forgotten, says Arthur.

And it is true. Geraint has forgotten. 

He remembers it now, as he flies past La Petite Sirene.

Bugger! mutters Thomas.

The rain eases to a drizzle.

A spray with no visible source shooshes past.

La Petite Sirene is the only one who has noticed the culprit.

Her eye is trained to spot stones and pebbles in motion.

I would like to meet that pebble, thinks La Petite Sirene. If I could just get down off this rock thing.....

She flexes her tail.

The next riders are the lucky ones.

Yves Lampaert is one of them.

He beats the best time of Wout van Aert.

By then it had stopped raining (an advantage).

But the road was still wet (to his credit).