The Non-Working Out Of Things That Should Be Simple

Captain Goose and Captain Wally are having their DNA tests when Lisa comes in.

Dave, says Lisa. Don't bother. I've just found out their provenance. They're ordinary surf barnacles from the mainland. The owner just turned up to claim them.

Whee! says Captain Wally, happily.

Captain Goose maintains a dignified silence.

Did you say Whee? asks Lisa.

No, says Dave. It must have been the barnacle when I stuck the needle in him. I'll finish taking the sample anyway.

Okay, says Lisa.

It doesn't take too long.

Here, says Dave, handing her Captain Goose and Captain Wally.

Thanks Dave, says Lisa.

She takes the barnacles back to the foyer, where Gaius and Schopenhauer are waiting.

Here, says Lisa. Have you got anything to put them in? Where's that bag gone?

Arthur took it, says Gaius. It was his. Oh drat! He also has the tin.

Where's he gone? asks Lisa. I was going to give him some extra bandages, and some Betadine.

Give them to me, says Schopenhauer. I'll give them to him. He's gone off with Unni to look at hats.

I thought they were going to wait until tomorrow for the Salamanca Markets, says Lisa.

You know what young people are like, says Gaius. Impatient.

Do you have a tin? asks Schopenhauer?

We don't use tins, says Lisa. We have limited funding. But we have a water cooler, with polystyrene cups. You're welcome to take one. And I'll fill it up for you with water from the salt water aquarium.

To cut a long story short, that is just what happens.

Gaius and Schopenhauer say goodbye to Lisa, promising to return on Monday for Captain Louttit.

Goodbye, says Lisa. Enjoy the weekend. If you go to Howden, stop off at Blackmans Bay. Your barnacles will enjoy the blowhole.

They leave the building through the big glass doors, Gaius carrying Captain Goose and Captain Wally in a polystyrene cup of salty water.

Let's see how long Gaius keeps it up.

They go over to their bicycles.

Schopenhauer old chap, says Gaius. You have a basket. Would you mind.....?

I wouldn't mind, says Schopenhauer, if the polystyrene cup had a lid on it. But you know how particular I am about my trousers.

If only Arthur were here, with the blue bag and the tin.

Or if only Unni were here. She would buy a Boost Juice, and let them use the lid.

But Arthur and Unni are somewhere down the road looking for a hat shop.

This is an example of how things don't always work out as we might like.

Why The Scientific Community Is So Awesome

Lisa reappears, with antiseptic and a bandage. She kneels down and dabs at Arthur's knees.

I see you've spotted the famous vessel, says Lisa. Fantastic isn't it.

What's fantastic? asks Gaius. And why a famous vessel?

I thought you were part of the crowd out there, says Lisa.

We were at the back, says Schopenhauer. But I did see something being held aloft. Something roundish.

But not longish, adds Gaius. I remember that most clearly.

You are obviously members of the scientific community, says Lisa. So you'll be thrilled by this. Very early this morning this blue bag was discovered floating down the Derwent. Inside, along with a much depleted lobster, were two surf barnacles, which are not endemic to the riparian zone along the Derwent. And what's even more peculiar, one was perched on top of the other, sort of like a hat, if you can believe a barnacle would exhibit such behaviour. Anyway it caused a furore here at the Research Centre. They're doing DNA tests on them now. We think the barnacles may be a completely new species. Either that or it's a total mystery how they got here.......

Gaius is beginning to think an interruption is in order.

Ahem, says Gaius.

Yes? says Lisa Gershwin.

I can throw some light upon the subject, says Gaius. This vessel is Arthur's blue Seahorse World bag.

Then how...? asks Lisa Gershwin.

I lost it at Lake St Clair, says Arthur. Those are my seahorse postcards in the bottom. Wet and ruined.

And, says Unni, the lobster is Captain Louttit. Where is he? Is he okay?

Captain? says Lisa Gershwin. He didn't look anything like a captain.

Madam, says Schopenhauer. I beg to differ. He wears a captain's hat. Even a jellyfish expert ought to understand the symbology of headwear.

There you are then, says Lisa. He wasn't wearing a hat of any description.

He must have lost it, says Unni, looking in the bag.

Tell me more about the barnacles, says Lisa Gershwin.

They were specimens of mine, says Gaius. I collected them from one of the beaches along the Great Ocean Road.

So they are ordinary barnacles, says Lisa. What a hoot. Wait till I tell the others. You know, it's rewarding being part of the science community. Sharing information as we do. How wonderful that you came along just now.

What about Captain Louttit? says Unni. Can we see him?

Sure, says Lisa Gershwin. Come with me.

She leads them to the room with the private saltwater aquarium, in which reposes a sorry-looking Captain Louttit.

Some visitors for you, says Lisa, tapping on the glass.

Captain Louttit looks up from his unhappy situation, and feels the need to justify himself.

Ah, says Captain Louttit feebly. There you are. No doubt you've noticed I have lost my captain's hat. But my crew came to the rescue. It was just unlucky that ......

Crikey, says Lisa Gershwin. He did have a hat. He lost it!

What was unlucky, Captain Louttit? asks Unni.

Never mind, sighs Captain Louttit. Please, leave me now......

Lisa, says Unni, do they sell hats at the Salamanca Markets?

You bet they do, says Lisa. Cool hats. And fresh fruit and vegetables. And wooden artifacts. And fudge...

That's good then. Things are looking up for Captain Louttit.

Non-Essential Parts Of An Acquaintance

These cakes are stale, says Schopenhauer.

Are they? says Gaius, who has been eating without paying much attention.

Yes, they are, says Unni. How long have you had them, Arthur?

A day or two, says Arthur vaguely, looking at his reflection in the glass doors of the CSIRO Marine and Atmospheric Research Centre.

He watches himself eating.  Chomp chomp chomp.

The stale crumbs drop from his mouth towards the pavement, past his knees.

And look, his knees are bleeding......

Thus occupied, Arthur doesn't hear Unni say: Tomorrow we can buy more cakes at the Salamanca Markets, because it's Saturday.

Arthur is still looking at his own reflection. Why does his face not look like his own face?

Because it is the face of Lisa Gershwin.

She has spotted the blood dripping from Arthur's knees.

She opens the door of the CSIRO Marine and Atmospheric Research Centre.

Were you injured in the melée? asks Lisa Gershwin.

Yes, says Arthur, not exactly lying.

Come in, says Lisa. I'll get you cleaned up and give you a bandage. I feel a bit responsible. We shouldn't have encouraged that crazy crowd.

Arthur, Unni, Gaius and Schopenhauer are now inside the CSIRO Marine and Atmospheric Research Centre. How fortuitous.

Gaius looks around. No jellyfish . But then, they are standing in the foyer.

My name is Lisa Gershwin, says Lisa. I'm the resident jellyfish expert.

By Jupiter! says Gaius. Just the very person we have travelled here to see!

Goodness, says Lisa Gershwin. Don't tell me you've found a new species of jellyfish. They seem to be washing up everywhere. It's so exciting.

Don't get too excited, says Schopenhauer. We just came to see the ....what was it, Gaius?

The giant lion's mane jellyfish, says Gaius. One and a half metres wide.

Oh, that one, says Lisa Gershwin. I'm afraid you won't be able to see it. Dead jellyfish don't last all that long.

How disappointing, says Gaius. Perhaps you might give us some indication of where you found it. We might go and have a nose around, and perhaps find another one.

It was found in Howden, says Lisa. Not far away. And by the way, I didn't find it, it was found by a young man called Xavier Lim. But you must excuse me. I'll go and get the first aid kit.

She hurries off to the first aid room.

Arthur looks around to see if there is anything interesting on the floor.

His blue eyes come to rest on a wet blue object, that has been kicked into a corner. It looks familiar.

Unni, says Arthur, could you get that blue thing and bring it over here?

You lazy slacker, says Unni. There's nothing wrong with you. I saw you picking at your scabs earlier....

But now, she has seen the wet blue object and recognised it.

The blue Seahorse World bag. She drags it from the corner to the space in front of them, and looks inside.

Three seahorse postcards, one semi-folded into an unfinished captain's hat.

And several non-essential parts of Captain Louttit.

Four People Outside Eating Cakes.

Next morning, early, they ride into Hobart. It only takes an hour.

Gaius leads the way, having consulted his maps.

 They ride past the plane trees and mellow sandstone facades of Salamanca Place to the waterfront, along Castray Esplanade

A large crowd has gathered outside the CSIRO Marine and Atmospheric Research Centre.

Where is he? cries a voice from the middle of the crowd. Hold him up! Let's see him!

Let's see him! Hold him up! echo several voices, from the back regions.

No one can see anything properly.

We can't see anything properly! they cry,

A scientist goes back inside the CSIRO Marine and Atmospheric Research Centre, and comes out carrying a ladder.

He props the ladder against the wall of the Research Centre and climbs up a few rungs.

Another scientist hands something up to him.

The scientist on the ladder grasps it, and flourishes it aloft.

The crowd cheers.

What is it? Is it a jellyfish? asks Gaius, still unable to see what it is.

No, I don't think so, says Schopenhauer. It's not amorphous.

Humph! says Gaius. A jellyfish need not be amorphous.

Nevertheless, says Schopenhauer. It is not one of them. It's roundish.

A jellyfish may be roundish, says Gaius. Is it also longish?

No, says Schopenhauer. It is rather small.

........

The scientist retreats down the ladder, and vanishes inside CSIRO Marine and Atmospheric Research Centre.

The crowd grumbles and disperses towards the many restaurants and cafes dotted round about.

........

Inside the Marine and Atmospheric Research Centre the scientist stuffs Captain Goose into a specimen jar.

Captain Wally is dropped into another.

Captain Louttit, whose energies have been spent, is lying at the bottom of the blue Seahorse World Bag, legs twitching.

To make matters worse for Captain Louttit, he has begun to moult.

Another scientist peers into the bag.

Oh, she says. He's moulting!

She picks up Captain Louttit tenderly and places him in a private salt water aquarium.

How kind is Lisa Gershwin.

As she walks back down the corridor and past the glass front doors she sees four people outside eating cakes.

Secrets Of Dark Waters

Gaius and Arthur are at the Bush Inn in New Norfolk, waiting for Schopenhauer and Unni.

There is  roaring open fire in the lounge bar, but they are sitting outside on the deck overlooking the dark shining Derwent, drinking tap beer.

It's freezing out here, says Arthur, doing up his black jacket and rubbing his knees.

It is, says Gaius. The others should turn up soon.

Are you ready to order? asks Tom, from the doorway.

Not yet, says Gaius. We'll wait for our friends.

We could wait inside, says Arthur.

Yes, wait inside, says Tom. There's a warm fire, and historical artifacts.

I'm going inside, says Arthur. Are you coming?

Soon, says Gaius. You go.

Arthur goes inside.

Tom shows him some of the historical artifacts. An old clock on the wall and some sepia photographs.

The Bush Inn was built in 1825, says Tom. It's the oldest continuous licensed pub in Australia. There are secret convict tunnels that start in the basement and run off under the town.

Can I see them? asks Arthur.

No, says Tom. Why don't you order some food? We've got lamb shanks and chocolate pudding on the menu. And smoked rainbow trout is one of our specialties. Look, young Cassandra over there's having the smoked rainbow trout.

Arthur looks. Cassandra has peeled the flesh from her smoked rainbow trout, and is showing the bones to her father. The bones look like a fine tooth comb. She waves it about. Her dad laughs.

Gaius sits out on the deck, feeling melancholy. They are so close to Hobart. And yet not there. It is only a few days since they arrived in Tasmania. Why does it seem like a month?

He gazes across at the twinkling black water of the Derwent. On its banks, the autumnal trees, red, orange and yellow in daylight, are as black as tar lily volcanoes.

There is no way Gaius could possibly see, in the black water through the black trees, a black Seahorse World bag beating its steady way down to Hobart with black Captain Louttit and two black barnacles on board.

Gaius! calls Schopenhauer from the doorway. Come inside and have dinner. I've ordered lamb shanks and chocolate pudding!

Gaius sighs, and makes his way slowly inside.

Two Ways Of Looking At Ghosts

Gaius and Arthur have arrived in New Norfolk. It is not yet dark.

Good, says Gaius. It's not dark yet. Now to find Betty King. Will you come with me?

All right, says Arthur.

They follow the Back River Road to the Methodist Cemetery, and look for the grave.

They find it, next to a fence. The grass around it is pale green. The hills in the distance are darkening.

Betty King, reads Arthur. Laid to rest near this spot.

Near this spot, says Gaius. You know what that means.

She's not here, says Arthur.

Exactly, says Gaius. How disappointing.

I've got cakes, says Arthur. Want one?

A cold shiver passes through the soles of Gaius's feet.

No, says Gaius. It'll be dark soon. Let's go now.

They turn away from the grave of Betty King and pick up their bicycles.

.......

An hour later, Schopenhauer and Unni arrive in New Norfolk. It is already dark.

It's dark now, says Unni. Do you still want to?

Yes, says Schopenhauer. Unless you're afraid.

Me? scoffs Unni. I'm not scared of anything.

They follow the Back River Road to the Methodist Cemetery, and look for the grave.

They find it next to a fence. Schopenhauer swings the Platonic Ideal round sideways and flicks on his Knog light, in order to read the inscription.

Elizabeth Thackery King, reads Unni. Arrived First Fleet 1788.... and wow, she was ninety three years old when she died....

Laid to rest near this spot, says Schopenhauer. That means.....

Suddenly a shivering breeze runs through the grass like an electrical current passing through the soles of his feet. The Knog light goes out.

Yikes! says Unni.

I'm over there in the corner, whispers a voice from the shivering grass.

Did you hear that? says Unni. A woman's voice. She's over there in the corner.

Schopenhauer makes his way to the corner, his feet tingling

Are you there? he says, softly.

No, says the voice.

Don't play games, says Schopenhauer. I can hear you quite well in this corner.

Please yourself, says the voice. Shall I tell you my story?

All right, says Schopenhauer. But I must warn you I am a philosopher. I believe that, as individuals, death is the end of us. But the real or noumenal part of us cannot die. Our real being knows neither time nor beginning nor end. The immortal part of us is indestructible.....

I haven't got all night, says Betty King.

What are you saying about the afterlife? says Unni. That there isn't one as such?

Yes, says Schopenhauer. Not as such. Certainly not as a continuation of our mortal selves.

I'm just an old woman, says Betty.

No, says Schopenhauer. That's exactly my point . You are no longer an old woman.

I was a convict, says Betty. I stole five handkerchiefs. Two black silk ones and three other ones. I was the first white woman to set foot in Australia. Only twenty years old, I was then.

All quite meaningless, says Schopenhauer.

You can be an insensitive shit sometimes, says Unni.

Betty King fades back into the gloom. She knows perfectly well what she is.

Insight And Fear Of The The Supernatural

The barbecued trout have been eaten. Schopenhauer is asleep in the grass.

He dreams of his poodles, Atma and Butz. He dreams he has died in his sitting room sitting next to his cat.

What is this? Could it be what Sweezus is writing?

Or could it be true?

He is roused from his pastoral torpor by a sharp kick from Gaius.

Sorry old fellow, says Gaius. Time to move on.

Did you kick me? asks Schopenhauer.

Of course not, says Gaius. Get up.

Goodbye Greg, goodbye Flossy, says Unni.

Goodbye Arthur, says Flossy.

Thanks for the cakes, says Arthur.

Here take a few more, says Flossy.

Goodbye Greg, says Schopenhauer, thanks for....

But let us omit any further camaraderie of tourists, and assume one party is glad to be going, and the other is glad to be seeing them go.

.......

On the road to New Norfolk, Unni rides beside Arthur.

Cars whizz past.

Through the trees there are glimpses of river.

Isn't it lovely, the Derwent, says Unni. And such pretty autumn trees. Like boxes of coloured pencils.....

That's a very insightful simile, says Arthur.

Thanks, says Unni. I try to see things as they actually are.

So do I, says Arthur.

However, they have not seen the blue Seahorse World bag floating parallel to them on the river.

To be fair its a fair way away.

........

Where are we going? asks Schopenhauer, who is still half asleep.

He is trying to keep up with Gaius, who is pedaling fast.

New Norfolk, says Gaius. It should take us two and a half hours, if we ride without stopping.

Three hours then, says Schopenhauer. Because we'll be stopping.

I won't be stopping, says Gaius. Not till I get to New Norfolk. I want to see the attractions before it gets dark.

Attractions? says Schopenhauer. That's not like you, Gaius to look at attractions.

It's these tourism flyers, says Gaius. They have me intrigued. Every place has a story. In New Norfolk for example is the grave of Betty King, the first white woman to set foot in Australia.

My, my, says Schopenhauer. Isn't that something. I should like to see it myself. But surely it wouldn't matter if it was dark when we got there? Not afraid of ghosts are you?

I am not afraid of the supernatural, says Gaius. But there may not be adequate lighting.

Oh, there may not be adequate lighting, says Schopenhauer, not believing a word.