Saints Practise Their Tricks

On the way out, Belle drops by the kitchen.

It's a hotel after all.

May I borrow a knife please? she asks a kitchen hand.

Certainly, says the kitchen hand. What is it for?

I hardly like to tell you, says Belle. It's for... um....preparing some eels.

Are they live ones? asks the kitchen hand. Because if so, the best method is to hang them from a hook through the gills and peel their skin off. Then chop them into bite size pieces and drop them in boiling water to blanch them. Would you like me to do it?

Oh, would you? asks Belle.

Sure, says the kitchen hand. Bring them here.

She goes out to the pavement where Gaius is waiting with Terence and Baldy, two bicycles, and Saints Roley and Malo.

He is holding a writhing paper package.

Give me those eels, says Belle The kitchen hand's offered to prepare them.

How kind, says Gaius. I was beginning to wonder how we would cook them.

Can we come and watch? asks Terence.

No, says Belle. It might be horrific.

She takes the writhing package from Gaius, and goes back inside.

I suppose we must wait here, says Gaius. Get the Saints out and let them practice their tricks.

They don't have tricks, says Baldy. They can't even walk properly yet.

Then they must be fast-tracked says Gaius. I expect them to be fully competent at scrape building by the time we reach Cancale.

Baldy lifts Saint Malo out of the shoe, and places him on the pavement.

Dig, says Baldy.

Not in the pavement, says Gaius.

Saint Malo looks confused.

An old fisherman passing by stops.

He is wearing a fisherman's jersey and a knitted hat which is round and wide at the crown.

It buzzes slightly.

Bless you, says the fishermen.

No need for that, says Gaius. We are waiting for our eels to be cooked, that is all.

I bless everyone, says the fisherman.

What about me? asks Terence.

Bless you, says the fisherman.

What about the eels? asks Terence.  They were alive, wrapped in paper.

Bless them, says the fisherman.

Trying to get out, says Baldy. They didn't want to die.

 I regret buying live ones, says Gaius.

However, they are best eaten fresh, says the fisherman. My name is Maclou, by the way.

Gaius Plinius Secundus, says Gaius. And these young scallywags are....

I know, says Maclou. Infants away from their holy mothers. Bless them.

Belle comes out with the cooked eel chunks in a still warm glass jar.

This is Belle, says Gaius. Belle, this is Maclou.

Bless you, my dear, says Maclou. Did you remember the knife?

Crikey! says Belle. For the melon! Thanks for reminding me.

She runs back inside, and comes back with a knife for the melon.

Now we're good to go, says Belle. Nice to meet you, Maclou.

Maclou touches his knitted hat. It buzzes loudly.

Saint Malo jumps. Baldy puts him back in the shoe.

If I find a nice comfy box, says Maclou. I'll follow you with it.

He shuffles off, buzzing, and emitting small sparks.

Weird! says Belle How did he know about the knife? Did you tell him?

I don't think so, says Gaius.

And the box, says Belle.

Easier to explain, says Gaius. Two baby chicks in an old shoe is not ideal for their development.

Saint Roley and Saint Malo look at one another.

Not ideal for their development.

They KNEW it!

Live Eels And Toe Fungus

Gaius returns with his shopping.

What did you buy? asks Belle.

Eels, says Gaius, and a Petit Gris Melon.

Really? says Belle.

Yes, really, says Gaius. Now, is everyone ready?

Pretty much, says Belle. Terence and Baldy will need a box for Saint Malo and Saint Roley.

A box, says Gaius, looking around the apartment.

No box is apparent.

WHAT did you call them? asks Gaius.

Saint Malo and Saint Roley, isn't that cute? says Belle.

Let us hope they live up to their names, says Gaius, opening a cupboard.

Several old shoes fall out.

How about this? asks Gaius, picking up one of them.

Terence and Baldy, come here!

We'll need a  knife, says Belle. For the melon.

And the eels, says Gaius.

Are they still in one piece? asks Belle.

They are still living, says Gaius.

Belle grits her teeth.

She knew she should have done the shopping.

Terence picks up little Saint Roley, too roughly.

Saint Roley glares back at Terence.

He wants to ride in the shoe, says Terence.

Saint Roley knows that he doesn't.

Terence plonks him in it.

It's an old sneaker. It smells of toe fungus.

Baldy! says Belle, see if Saint Malo will fit in it the shoe with Saint Roley.

Baldy is a much better mother.

He helps Saint Malo gently onto his feet.

Now walk to the shoe, says Baldy. Careful! Go on!

Saint Malo takes wobbling steps forward in the shoe's direction.

His fluffy grey chick feathers tremble.

He stumbles. Baldy helps him up.

Saint Malo is encouraged. He tries again to walk to the shoe where his brother sits glaring and sniffing the nasty scent of human toe fungus.

He makes it. Baldy lifts him in.

Well done, Saint Malo, says Gaius. You deserve your fine carriage.

It's an old shoe, says Belle. As soon as we find a proper box I'll be ditching it. And what about a knife?

Arthur will bring one, says Gaius.

Oh yes, says Belle, and where is he?

He said he'd catch up, says Gaius. Shall we get going? The afternoon wears on.

The Simple Old Days

François-René won't shut up now.

The absinthe has loosened his tongue.

Soon I was promoted to captain, says François-René. I went to Paris. There I met some of our leading French writers. The French Revolution broke out.....

Arthur isn't listening.

Victor has reached the bottom of the page of his notebook.

Not liking to draw attention to his note-taking by flipping the page, he stops writing.

All I want is.... says Victor.

All I want is.... says Arthur, waving his empty glass.

A waiter comes over.

At first I was sympathetic to the revolutionary cause, says François-René, but as it became increasingly violent, I decided to journey to North America.

Victor risks quick page flip. This could be important.

No need to take notes, says François-René. It's in Wikipedia.

Of course, says Victor. Thank you. All I wanted was to ask you, and Arthur, to keep an eye on....

I was encouraged by my friend Chrétien-Guillaume de Lamoigon de Malesherbes, says François-René. He also encouraged me to do some botanical studies.

You should hook up with Gaius, says Arthur.

Bingo! says Victor.

Bingo? says François-René.

To keep an eye on them, says Victor, while I pursue the more dangerous and elusive Splosh.

Okay, says Arthur. We were going to anyway.

Were we? asks François-René.

Only if you want to, says Arthur. They're heading out to Cancale, via the GR 34. Do you like oysters?

François-René does like oysters (although it's not mentioned in Wikipedia). And he knows the Gr 34. It is the old Customs path, that he used to wander as a pre-suicidal young person.

Oh, for the simple old days.

He would love to.

........

Gaius has gone out to the local markets to buy fresh supplies for the journey.

In the hotel Kyriad, Belle is rinsing egg goo out of Baldy's long johns.

Terence and Baldy are playing with their oystercatcher chicks.

Belle spreads out the wet long johns, in a small patch of sun.

Now we wait, says Belle. Have you thought what to call your babies?

Parrot and Parrot, says Terence.

No, says Baldy. We're not allowed to. Mine is called Chicken.

It's not a chicken, says Belle. How about something inspiring? They'll be role models, you know.

Roley, says Terence.

How about Malo? says Belle. After the place where you found them, Saint Malo.

Saint Malo says Baldy. Mine's called Saint Malo.

His little Saint Malo tries to stand up, and falls over.

Mine's called Saint Roley, says Terence.

There's no such saint as Saint Roley, says Belle. As far as I know.

Ha ha, says Baldy.

Little Saint Roley tries to stand up and falls over.

Never mind, It's a nice name, says Belle.

Loneliness

Belle resolves it, quite easily.

One parrot each.

But you mustn't call them parrots, says Belle.

Why not? asks Terence.

They'll be confused enough as it is, says Belle. Who did they see first?

Me, says Baldy. My one saw me.

Baldy bends down to the beady eye of his baby.

It's crying! says Baldy. Don't cry baby, you're coming on an adventure.

That's the way, says Gaius. Encourage it. An adventure.

Not just an adventure, says Belle. They'll need feeding, and keeping warm, and they'll need to be taught oystercatcher behaviour.

Yes, says Gaius. Sensible oystercatcher behaviour. Beginning with coming to terms with rising sea levels.

Hear that? says Terence to his bedraggled baby.

The baby sniffs hard.

He knows one thing. He has got the wrong mother.

......

Arthur heads for number 1 Rue de l'Orme.

He enters L'Absinthe Café.

Victor is already there, sitting at a table with François-René, looking awkward.

You're late, says Victor. I had to introduce myself to Monsieur de Chateaubriand here.

That shouldn't have been hard, says Arthur.

But not ideal, says Victor, seeing as I'm dressed as a policeman.

François-René shrugs, as though he had not been alarmed in the slightest.

Arthur sits down.

Well then, says Victor. This is nice.

Victor wants to recruit us, says François-René.

Did I say that? asks Victor.

You didn't have to, says François-René.

No, says Victor. I wanted to meet you, that's all. Learn more about you. I'm new here in Saint Malo. I believe you were born here?

I was, says François-René, the youngest of ten children. I grew up in the family castle in Comburg. My father was a sea captain, and later a ship owner.

Slave trader, eh? says Victor.

Well, yes, says François-René. It was a long time ago.

Still goes on, says Victor. Shall we order?

I'll have absinthe, says Arthur.

I mean food, says Victor, looking at the menu. I'll have the fig and beetroot confit on a crisp fine tart with fresh mackerel fillets.

François-René chooses rose veal. Arthur orders the turbot.

They eat, and drink a great deal of absinthe.

François-René reveals more of himself than he meant to.

How his father was morose and uncommunicative.
How he grew up lonely.
How he went for long walks in the Breton countryside.
How well he came to know it.
How one day he took a hunting rifle.
And bang. Tried to kill himself.
But was unsuccessful.
How he decided against becoming a priest.
And chose the military option.

Victor has been making wobbly notes, under the table, with the green pencil.

Arthur has watched him.

Why Are You Here?

Hotel Kyriad.

Terence plonks the ruined eggs on the coffee table.

Careful, says Belle. They need somewhere warmer.

Why? asks Terence.

Because they might hatch, says Belle.

But they're RUINED! says Terence.

Only on the outside, says Belle.

She takes Baldy's panda long johns from where they were drying, makes a nest and places the ruined eggs tenderly in it.

Is that wise, Belle? asks Gaius.

I can always wash them, says Belle.

I didn't mean that, says Gaius. Is it wise to incubate them? We're about to go....

There is a noise outside the door of the hotel room, the door opens and Baldy runs in.

I didn't do anything! shouts Baldy.

Where's Splosh? asks Belle.

Nowhere! says Baldy. I lost my pencil. Victor picked it up. Then I got arrested for nothing!

Look, Baldy! says Terence, pointing at the ruined eggs in the nest of panda long johns.

Who put eggs in my new pants? says Baldy.

Wait, says Gaius You were arrested? Then why are you here?

Arthur helped me, says Baldy. He told Victor I didn't do it.

Arthur is standing in the doorway.

Good for you Arthur, says Belle. What was Baldy accused of?

Graffiti in the Grand Aquarium, says Arthur. Someone turned the lights off, and sprayed yellow rings on the glass of the Shark Ring.

Not me, says Baldy. I had a green pencil.

You didn't, says Arthur. Victor had it. And he'd written his notes with it, including the time, 10 am.

Why did he show you his notes? asks Belle.

Long story, says Arthur.

Expectant silence. A faint scratching is heard.

Okay, says Arthur. The short version is, we were exchanging addresses.

But he knows where we're staying, says Belle.

Not this address, says Arthur. And he was using the green pencil. So I said how could Baldy have used it if you've had it in your possession since 10 am?

Crack. Peep peep. Crack.

What did he say? asks Belle.

Intention, says Arthur. He said these days you can arrest someone for having an intention. But don't worry, it's sorted.

Good, says Gaius. We're about to set out for the bird reserve near Cancale, on the GR34. I trust you'll be coming?

Sure, but I might catch you up, says Arthur, backing out slowly.

Look! says Baldy. The eggs have split open and now what!

Aah! says Belle. How gorgeous!

Two baby oystercatchers are unfolding their feathers on the long johns.

Two parrots! cries Terence. It's the first time I've had two parrots!

That's not FAIR! says Baldy.

I rescued them! says Terence.

I hatched them! says Baldy.

We can resolve this, says Belle.

Empty Thought Bubbles

The Grand Aquarium de Saint Malo.

Splosh has vanished.

There are queues everywhere, for the five different undersea worlds, and the mini-sub Nautibus.

Baldy stands in the queue for the Shark Ring.

Are they real feathers? asks a child.

No, says Baldy. See this finger?

Madeleine! says her mother. Ignore him!

Why is it orange? asks Madeleine.

Splosh left it orange, says Baldy. So it's like a beak. See?

But it's a finger, says Madeleine.

Not if I put it here, says Baldy.

He wiggles it rudely.

Madeleine! warns her mummy.

Okay, says Madeleine.

 Do you like policemen? asks Baldy.

No, says Madeleine. There's a policeman over there. He looks suspicious.

He IS suspicious, says Baldy. And he's got my green pencil.

Why? asks Madeleine.

I dropped it, says Baldy. Make sure you don't drop anything.

The queue shuffles forward.

Madeleine's baby sister drops a rubber giraffe from her buggy.

Let's see what happens, says Madeleine.

Victor comes over.

He picks up the rubber giraffe and hands it to Madeleine's mummy.

Thank you officer, says mummy.

It must be just when YOU drop things, says Madeleine.

Probably, says Baldy. I'm here on a mission.

What is it? asks Madeleine.

I can't do it, says Baldy.

The queue moves again. Now they have entered the Shark Ring.

Look, Maddy! says Madeleine's mother. Seven sharks, and four sea turtles swimming around us.

Can they see us? asks Maddy.

Suddenly the lights go out in the Shark Ring.

It's the signal for doing what Baldy can't do without his green pencil.

A hush. A sound of paint spraying from a spray can. The smell of fresh paint.

The lights come back on. Yellow paint drips from the empty thought bubbles on the reinforced glass of the Shark Ring.

The sharks and turtles look puzzled.

Oi! What's this ? says Victor, looming up behind Baldy.

I didn't do it, says Baldy.

He couldn't, says Madeleine.

Evidence says otherwise, says Victor, spinning Baldy round roughly. I'm taking you into custody. You don't have to say anything.

Bad luck, says Madeleine. Now you can't go on the Nautibus. We're doing that next.

Baldy looks sad.

Can't I just go on the Nautibus?

Nautibus! You'll get a free ride in my Nautibus! growls Victor, marching Baldy out of the Shark Ring, and straight into....

...Arthur, who is finally back from Grand Bé!

Any Egg Any Place

What has he written on those eggs? asks the oystercatcher.

The letters E B, says Gaius.

Terence! Why did you do that? asks Belle. And what did you mean?

BEWARE says Terence. But I haven't finished.

It will be back to front, says Gaius. BEWARE starts with B.

I was copying, says Terence. It's on my tummy.

He's seeing it upside down, says Belle.

What's this? asks the oystercatcher. Am I missing something?

Even so, says Gaius, it's still the wrong order. He has begun in the middle.

Or at the end, says Belle.

But then he would have written E R, says Gaius. Let me show you.

He takes the black pencil, and writes in the sand: E R A W E B.

That's good, says the oystercatcher. Feel free to scratch about in my habitat.

Just making a point, says Gaius. But I'll scuff it out in a minute.

Belle walks around it.

I see what you mean, says Belle. He must have started at the second letter. Do you suppose he's dyslexic?

Can I finish it? asks Terence.

Impossible, says Gaius.

That's right, says the oystercatcher. But it's too late. These eggs are ruined. You can have them.

Are they yours? asks Belle.

No, says the oystercatcher. Not mine.

We're terribly sorry, says Belle. Aren't we, Gaius?

What? says Gaius. Oh yes. Terribly sorry. This whole project is collapsing.

What is the project, if you don't mind me asking? asks the oystercatcher.

Gaius explains that rising sea levels are making a difference, and that eggs in scrapes need to be protected.

And we came here to help, says Gaius. Our plan was to encourage your species to rebuild washed out scrapes on higher ground.

Why us in particular? asks the oystercatcher. Are we thought to be particularly stupid?

YES! says Terence.

Not at all, says Gaius. The research focused on your species, that's all. May I ask if you yourself are affected?

No, says the oystercatcher. We have evolved here. We have a thing with the seagulls. Any egg any place any time. That's how we roll here. Deal with anything. Even red cheeses. Why don't you go and spread your message somewhere less urban and sophisticated?

No good arguing that the sand and mud flats don't look urban and sophisticated.

Such as? asks Gaius. I would appreciate your advice.

Cancale, says the oystercatcher. Ten kilometres the other side of Saint Malo. There's a bird reserve there. Full of bumpkins that wouldn't know their arse from their anus. Rustic buntings, lesser yellowlegs, buff bellied pipits, peregrines, you name it. Go teach them something useful.

Thank you, we shall, says Gaius.

Follow the GR34, says the oystercatcher.

Thank you, says Belle. Come on, Terence.

Wait! says Terence. He picks up the two eggs he has ruined, and scuffs out the E R A W E B, because Gaius has forgotten to do it.

But he doesn't receive any thanks.