Thinking Better Of Bento

I heard that! says Wittgenstein. So you disagree that a word's use is its meaning?

Bento, says Vello.

Pardon? says Wittgenstein.

He said bento, says Sweezus. Maybe he's hungry.

I meant that to mean yes, I disagree with you, says Vello, coming out of the kitchen, with the Express Post bag.

Now that I know that, says Wittgenstein, your word has acquired a new meaning.

How very useful, says Vello. However, I'm not here to quibble.

But you were quibbling, says Wittgenstein. Or should we say performing a bento?

Do you guys even know what bento is? asks Sweezus.

Of course, says Vello.

I imagine it's some type of food,  says Wittgenstein. Since you suggested that Vello was hungry.

I'm not hungry, says Vello. I was just making a point.

You need to read my Philosophical Investigations, says Wittgenstein.

I shouldn't have to, says Vello. Sweezus will already have done it.

Yeah boss, says Sweezus. Already done it.

What type of food is it? asks Wittgenstein, who is now feeling hungry.

It's, like, Japanese, says Sweezus. Rice or noodles, fish or meat, and pickled vegetables packed in a box, in separate sections.

I like that, says Wittgenstein. It's neat and logical.

Want some? asks Sweezus. I'll head out and pick up a couple of boxes.

If you're going past an Express Post box, says Vello, you might drop this in.

Sure, boss, says Sweezus. 

He takes the Express Post bag from Vello and exits the office.

Roo-kai looks concerned.

What is it? asks Vello.

Now he knows, says Roo-kai.

Knows what? asks Vello.

You know what, says Roo-kai. That we're sending something to the French President.

But he doesn't know what, says Vello.

He saw the camera, says Roo-kai.

He doesn't know what's on it, says Vello.

President? says Wittgenstein. I thought you said it was for the Presbyterians.

I used the word to mean President, says Vello. As you see, I'm as adept at word games as you are.

Wittgenstein thinks about saying Bento, but in the end, doesn't.

Which Parts Of Surfing Are Not Facts?

Sweezus produces a pen and some scissors.

Thank you, says Vello. Now I'll keep out of your hair.

He takes the Express Post bag, scissors and pen into the kitchen 

Roo-kai follows him.

Vello begins to slit the bag open.

He can hear Sweezus, continuing the interview.

So, yeah, says Sweezus. You reckon that facts are the world?

I did, says Wittgenstein. But I don't now.

Okay, says Sweezus. Wind back a bit to when that was what you reckoned.

All right, says Wittgenstein. I was a younger man then. I thought I had the answer.

Yeah, and what was it? asks Sweezus.

It seemed to be logical, says Wittgenstein. What else could there be?

Other stuff, says Sweezus. But this is your interview. 

No, go ahead, says Wittgenstein. 

Okay like, when you're surfing says Sweezus. That's not all facts.

Which parts of surfing are not facts? asks Wittgenstein.

The euphoria, says Sweezus. And the gravel rash.

I think you'll find gravel rash is a fact, says Wittgenstein. And so is euphoria, even though it's a feeling.

Gravel rash is a feeling, says Sweezus. 

I wouldn't know about that, says Wittgenstein.

You should come surfing with me and Arthur, says Sweezus. We're heading up to Queensland in a couple of days. If they don't close the border.

Surfing? says Wittgenstein. I've never done it.

Get on with the interview! says Vello, from the kitchen. 

How's it going? asks Wittgenstein. Got it open?

Of course I've got it open, says Vello. I've taken out the camera, and I'm about to write the address on the post bag.

The Presbyterians, says Wittgenstein. Are you sending it to a particular congregation?

None of your business! snaps Vello. Oh, curses!

He has written Presby... before Roo-kai can stop him.

The b and the y will have to be crossed out. 

And how will that look to the French president?

Perhaps you could cover it with a sticker? suggests Roo-kai.

Do we have any stickers? calls Vello.

Sweezus finds an old roll of white stickers at the back of the lower drawer of the desk he is sitting at.

Lucky.

Roo-kai comes out to get it.

So anyhow, says Sweezus, continuing the interview. What do you think now that's different? 

In a nutshell, says Wittgenstein. A word's use is its meaning.

That makes sense, says Sweezus.

Not to me, mutters Vello.

The Totality Of Facts

Vello cycles back to the city. 

Roo-kai flies above him.

When Vello stops at the traffic lights, Roo-kai hovers.

Where is your office? asks Roo-kai. 

Just round the corner, says Vello. And up a few stairs. 

If you'd given me the address, says Roo-kai, I could have got there before you.

That's why I didn't, says Vello. I couldn't have you barging into the office.

I would have waited downstairs, says Roo-kai. I'm not lacking in manners.

Vello cycles round the corner, dismounts and waits for Roo-kai.

I have a guest in the office, says Vello. You may come up, but don't mention the camera.

I have no intention of mentioning the camera, says Roo-kai. But I wish to see it safely into an Express Post bag, and marked for the attention of the French President.

You call that not mentioning the camera! says Vello. 

Not another word shall  pass my beak, says Roo-kai.

Vello drags his bike up the stairs, and enters the office, where Sweezus is interviewing the guest, Ludwig Wittgenstein.

Yeah but, are you actually saying facts aren't things? Sweezus is in the middle of asking.

Wittgenstein is about to explain that the world is the totality of facts, not of things, when he notices Vello has come in with a parrot.

Of course he knows the bird he is seeing is an oystercatcher, not a parrot, but the fact is, the bird looks just like Saint Roley, whom he remembers.

Saint Roley? asks Wittgenstein.

Alas no, says Roo-kai. I am Terence's new parrot. But I have great regard for Saint Roley.

Where is he now? asks Wittgenstein.

Never mind that, says Vello. Could you just shift a bit. I need one of those Express Post bags. There might be one in the drawer.

Wittgenstein shifts. Vello opens the drawer and pulls out an Express Post bag.

He takes the tiny camera out of his pocket. Drops it in. Seals the Express Post bag.

You should've written the address on it first, boss, says Sweezus. It's heaps harder to write on when there's something in it.

Too late, says Vello. I've sealed it up now.

Allow me, says Wittgenstein. I'm always putting things in Express Post bags before I've addressed them

You mean facts, says Sweezus.

Wittgenstein looks vague for a moment.

Philosophy is one fact, says Wittgenstein. Post is another.

Sweezus writes that down in his notebook. 

The thing is, says Vello, or the fact, if you prefer, is that I can't allow you to write the address on this Express Post Bag, for security reasons.

I'll do it, says Sweezus.

Nor you, says Vello.

Slit the top, and take the camera out, says Roo-kai. You can stick it up after.

How will that look to the Pres.....oops, I mean...... ( he thinks quickly).....Presbyterians? says Vello.

Presbyterians! says Wittgenstein. Are you converting?

Never mind, says Vello. Sweezus, find me a pen and some scissors. And some sticky tape.

He seems flustered. 

Roo-kai is worried. 

President of France is one thing, Presbyterians are another.

The Natural Spy

It's not easy getting lizard blood off a sheet of paper.

Particularly if there are multiple choice questions on the paper.

Luckily, the answer boxes have not been filled in yet.

Gaius goes to the sink, and picks up his blue dish cloth. 

Vello sniffs. 

I wouldn't use that cloth, says Vello.

A clean one would leave no traces, says Roo-kai. 

You are a natural spy, says Vello.

Am I a natural spy? asks Terence.

No, says Gaius. But Roo-kai is your parrot. Be happy with that.

Gaius takes a clean dish cloth from a drawer, wets it lightly, and wipes it over the paper.

How does it look? asks Vello.

A consistent beige, says Gaius. That's a lot better.

I suppose it will have to do, says Vello. 

Are you going to post it? asks Arthur.

The less you know the better, says Vello. However, I could take a photo, and send that.

You can always turn up the brightness, says Arthur. 

Which means I have wasted a dish cloth, says Gaius. 

First things first, snaps Vello. Roo-kai must fill in the answers.

Roo-kai gets to work.

A, B, A, B, A, C, D

and so on.

Until finally the form is completed.

Vello takes a photo. Checks it. Turns up the brightness. You'd never guess that it wasn't white paper.

Why did you use your own phone? asks Gaius. Wouldn't it be more efficient to use the spy camera that Roo-kai was issued? It has the submarine photos and other evidence on it.

Who's in charge here! says Vello. 

Nevertheless he picks up the tiny camera, and photographs the paper. Tclick!

Good, says Vello. That was more efficient.

My thoughts exactly, says Gaius. 

Do you have one of those Express Post bags? asks Vello. 

No, says Gaius. 

Then I'll have to go back to the office, says Vello.

I'll go with you, says Roo-kai.

No need, says Vello.

This is my future at stake, says Roo-kai. 

Come on then, says Vello. 

Off they go together, Vello shoving the tiny camera in his pocket.

Do you have a bad feeling about this? says Arthur.

I didn't, says Gaius. 

But he does now.

Upside-Down Code

Who else is here? asks Vello.

Just Arthur, Terence and Roo-kai, says Gaius. They're having blueberries and cheese in the kitchen.

Good, says Vello. 

They go through to the kitchen.

Vello is here, says Gaius.

Where are the blueberries? asks Vello.

I ate them, says Arthur. Try the cheese.

Vello cuts a thin slither.

Now what's this about W? asks Vello.

It's what we do next, says Terence, but we don't know what it is, so we can't do it.

Show me the Instructions, says Vello.

Gaius shows him the torn paper.

It's been torn, says Gaius, but the W is the last letter on the line, and the paper was torn horizontally..

Code, says Vello. 

You think so? says Gaius.

I don't think, I know, says Vello.

Then explain it, says Gaius. We need to get this mission over and done with. 

What is a W if not an upside-down M? asks Vello.

What? asks Terence.

An upside-down M, repeats Vello.

You asked what it is if it isn't, says Terence.

Ask Arthur, says Vello. I've no time for this sort of nonsense. It's an upside-down M. Trust me. 

That explains nothing, says Gaius.

In the world of spying, says Vello, nothing is straightforward. One must assemble the facts, then put two and two together.

These are the facts, says Gaius. The information that Roo-kai has gathered must be passed on to someone. We now learn that the someone goes by the code name of upside-down W.

Upside-down M, says Vello. The W is the right way up. Get your facts right.

I'm not used to spying, says Gaius.

Think top banana, says Vello.

Macron! says Roo-kai. 

Hush, says Vello. But yes, you have cracked it. The information is to be sent directly to him.

Jumping Jupiter! says Gaius. How do we do that?

Leave it to me, says Vello. Where is the camera? And the papers? Have you completed the multiple choice questions?

Not yet, says Roo-kai. Some of them have lizard blood on them.

We must get that off! says Vello.

Front Gardens Have Ears.

W? says Gaius. Is that all?

It's torn here, says Arthur. There might be more to it.

When the mission is completed, w, says Roo-kai. Is it in English?

Yes, says Arthur, it's in English.

The rest of the instructions were in French, says Roo-kai.

Maybe w is in French, says Terence.

That's a good point, says Gaius. In fact, it is likely.

Terence is proud. He has made a good point that is likely.

Why? asks Roo-kai.

Not many French words start with w, says Gaius. Think. Do you know of any?

Le week-end, says Arthur. Le Wifi. Le whisky. Le water polo. Le wok.

Le willy, says Terence. 

But no one acknowledges this as another good point.

It's a dead end, says Gaius. W may after all be in English.

Most likely a verb, says Arthur. W meaning wait for further instructions.

That's it, says Roo-kai. I'll wait for further instructions.

Why don't we eat while we wait, suggests Gaius. Tuck in, Arthur.

Thanks, says Arthur, taking a handful of blueberries.

As soon as this wretched quarantine period is over, says Gaius, I plan to go to Queensland, but first, I'd like to stop off at Taree.

Is Taree inland? asks Arthur.

He wants to go surfing, says Terence.

I believe so, says Gaius. I won't stay there long. I wish to observe the Screaming Tree Frog otherwise known as litoria quiritatus, as it has lately been discovered that they are a separate species from the Slender Bleating Tree Frog  or litoria balatus.

Arthur takes another handful of blueberries.

He does not like the sound of Taree.

The doorbell rings.

Who can it be? Baby Pierre? No, he can't reach the buzzer.

I'll go, says Gaius.

He goes to the front door. It's Vello.

Greetings, says Gaius. We were just remarking the dearth of words starting with w in the French language.

In relation to the famous Instructions? asks Vello. 

How did you know? asks Gaius.

Let me in first, says Vello. Front gardens have ears.

Hard Duck

Baby Pierre has cycled all the way down to Brighton, and stopped at the Espy.

He has dismounted, leaned his bicycle against a post, and strolled across the road to the jetty.

He has then strolled back to the Espy.

Victor is watching, from way down the road.

( It's hard to find a parking spot near the Espy)

Baby Pierre has then performed the actions one performs when one loses one's wallet. Patting his sides, looking panicky, finally shrugging.

He has then got on his bike, and cycled slowly towards the police van.

Victor has noticed it all ( through police issue binoculars).

Baby Pierre passes the police van.

Victor is satisfied.

He has done all he can.

If spying occurred, it was elsewhere, concludes Victor.

He looks at his watch. Yes! At last! He's off duty. 

He may as well go to the Espy.

If the kitchen's not closed.

.......

Meanwhile, back at Gaius's house:

What's a decoy? asks Terence.

A type of hard duck, says Roo-kai.

Baby Pierre's pretending to be one, says Terence.

There are other types of decoys, says Roo-kai.

What type is Baby Pierre? asks Terence.

A cunning one, says Roo-kai. He drew Victor away.

Before he went? asks Terence. Where's the drawing?

Not that kind of drawing, says Roo-kai. The point is, Victor is out of the picture.

Is that why I can't see it? asks Terence. Give me a pencil. I'll draw Victor.

Not necessary, says Roo-kai. What is necessary is to get the photos and papers to the French government.

Okay, says Terence. 

And I don't know how to do that, says Roo-kai.

Maybe it was in the Instructions, says Terence.

We ripped them in half, says Roo-kai.

And we put the dead lizard in the envelope, says Terence. 

Only one half is spoiled, says Roo-kai. You're right. We must check the other half of the Instructions.

They go to the kitchen, where Gaius is placing blueberries and cheese on the table.

Arthur is sitting at the table, fiddling with a ripped envelope.

Is there anything in that? asks Roo-kai.

Yes, says Arthur, pulling out a half sheet of paper.

What does it say? asks Roo-kai.

"When the mission is complete, w" says Arthur.

W? says Roo-kai.