When Frog Isn't The Answer

Final competition, says Graceful. The riddles.

Yay! says Terence. Come here, team.

Quiet-Tartus and Shorty-Tartus hop over to Terence.

We can win this, says Terence. Do your best riddles.

Okay, says Quiet-Tartus. Check this out.

He hops over to Graceful. 

Shall I go first? asks Quiet-Tartus.

If you're ready, says Graceful. Attention everyone! First riddle.

I can fly, but I'm not a helicopter, says Quiet-Tartus. What am I?

Can anyone answer? asks Wittgenstein.

They can try, says Graceful.

An aeroplane, says Wittgenstein.

Wrong! says Quiet-Tartus.

Good, says Graceful. The more wrong answers you get, the better the riddle.

A frog, says Terence.

Don't YOU guess! says Graceful.

I just gave him another wrong answer, says Terence.

I can't be a frog, says Quiet-Tartus. It has to be a sensible wrong answer.

Something that flies, says Gaius. Make use of the information.

I'm not allowed to, says Terence.

Can I try? asks Katherine. Are you a bird, by any chance?

No, says Quiet-Tartus. That's three wrong answers. 

Can we try? ask the ninjas.

I suppose so, says Graceful. 

Are you a bee? asks a ninja.

YES! says Quiet-Tartus.

Very good, says Graceful. Who will go next?

Me, says the ninja who got the right answer.

Go for it, says Graceful.

I catch flies, but I'm not a spider, says the ninja. What am I?

Are you sure you want to ask that? says Graceful.

He doesn't want to, says the second ninja.

Why don't I? asks the first ninja.

Too easy, says the second.

Only if you think you know the answer, says the first ninja. Do you think I'm a frog?

This is a tricky one, says Terence. He IS a frog, but frog isn't the answer.

Who said it isn't? says the first ninja.

You, says Terence.

The first ninja realises that Terence is right.

He waits for someone to come up with another answer. 

A magpie, says Gaius. Or a swallow. Or maybe a martin.

No, says the first ninja. That's three wrong answers.

Sticky fly paper, says Wittgenstein.

The first ninja decides sticky fly paper will have to be right.

Repetition Repetition

Now for the judging, says Graceful. Who votes for number one?

(Number one was Quiet-Tartus, with gree-uh gree-uh etc)

Me, says Terence.

Me, says Gaius.

That's two votes for number one, says Graceful. Who votes for number two?

(Number two was a ninja, ruuurk, ruurk)

Me, says Wittgenstein. 

Me, says Letitia.

Two votes for number two, says Graceful. Is anyone writing this down?

I'll do it, says Katherine.

She takes a small notebook from her raincoat pocket.

Torch? says Katherine.

Here you are, says Letitia.

Who votes for number three? asks Graceful.

(Number three, the second ninja).

Can we hear it again? asks Wittgenstein.

No, sorry, says Graceful.

Not me then, says Wittgenstein.

You've voted already, says Gaius.

But they were the same, says Wittgenstein.

Same noise, different frog, says Letitia.

Anyone? asks Graceful.

Me, says Roo-kai.

And lastly, says Graceful, who votes for number four?

Me, says Katherine.

Now, please add up the scores, says Graceful.  

Three all , says Katherine. Assuming the middle two contestants were ninjas.

We were, say the ninjas.

All that for nothing, says Graceful. 

Were your eyes closed? asks Gaius.

Yes, they were, says Graceful.

Then you have the deciding vote, says Gaius.

Too late, says Letitia. The ninjas revealed their position.

Another draw! says Terence. This is BORING.

I could have told you it would be, says Graceful. Now if Emerald and Common were here, we'd have a real competition.

We are here, says Emerald. We've been listening.

Do your noises, says Terence.

Scrook...scrook... scrook... skrook, goes Graceful.

Crark, crark, crark, goes Emerald Spotted.

Donk... donk.. donk, goes Green Common.

How wonderful! says Letitia. Would you all mind doing it again. I'd love to record it.

The frogs don't mind in the slightest. They do it again.

Best Noise Competition

Ready for contest three? asks Graceful.

Ninjas and Tarti indicate they are ready.

How will you run this? asks Gaius. Who should judge the best noise?

How about him? says Graceful, pointing at Wittgenstein.

What's this? says Wittgenstein.

We're up to Best Noises, says Gaius. Are you capable of judging which team is superior?

I don't know, says Wittgenstein. What constitutes a good noise? And what makes one better?

I know! says Terence.

You may know, says Graceful, but you won't be judging.

How about we all vote? says Letitia.

There'll still be a bias, says Graceful.

Against us, says one ninja. 

A blind vote, says Gaius.

Okay, says Graceful. Is everyone happy?

Yes, everyone is happy.

Judges, close your eyes, says Graceful.

Gaius, Wittgenstein, Katherine, Terence, Letitia and Roo-kai close their eyes.

So does Graceful.

First contestant! announces Graceful.

Several competing frog noise are heard.

One at a time! says Graceful, keeping her eyes closed. Draw lots or something. 

No need, says Quiet-Tartus. I'll point to one of us at random.

He points to himself.

After a short interval, he makes the first noise:

Gree-uh, gree-uh, gree-uh, gree-uh, gree-uh, gree-uh.... 

He stops, and points to a ninja.

Ruuuurk ruuurk ruurk ruurk ruurk .... goes the ninja.

Quiet-Tartus points to the second ninja.

Ruuuurk ruuurk ruurk ruurk ruurk..... goes the second ninja.

They sounded exactly the same, says Wittgenstein. 

Are you LOOKING? asks Graceful.

No of course not, says Wittgenstein.

The point is to judge between Screamers and Bleaters, says Katherine. Obviously we have just heard two Bleaters. Or two Screamers. Members of the same species would naturally sound the same.

Correct, says Letitia.

No more interruptions! says Graceful. There is one more contestant to listen to.

Shorty-Tartus knows this is his one chance to shine.

He inflates his yellow vocal sac almost to bursting.

He will out-do his team mate, Quiet-Tartus, and be the winner.

Gree-uh, gree-uh, gree-uh, gree-uh, gree-uh.....

He tried. But it sounded the same.

Knocked Out Wrong

Is it over? asks Shorty-Tartus.

Yes, says Terence. You can stop being a stone now.

The Tarti uncurl themselves, readjusting their feathers.

The Slender Bleating ninjas slide down from the tree.

Now for competition two, says Graceful. The boxing.

Will it be two against two? asks one of the ninjas.

Graceful looks at Gaius. 

What do you think?

Run two boxing matches concurrently, says Gaius. There's plenty of room.

Okay, says Graceful. 

Quiet-Tartus pairs up with one of the ninjas, and Shorty-Tartus pairs up with the other.

Go! says Graceful.

Quiet-Tartus makes a quick jab at his ninja.

His ninja hops sideways.

Shorty-Tartus, seeing what's happened, tries a hook.

His ninja anticipates this.

Quiet-Tartus and Shorty-Tartus try a series of jabs, crosses, hooks and uppercuts, but each time, their ninjas avoid them.

Sometimes the ninjas hop sideways. 

Sometimes they rise.

Sometimes they appear to have vanished, momentarily. Glowing eyes peer down at the Tarti.

Hey, says Terence. It's not fair. They're not fighting.

Heeee-ya! cries a ninja, dropping onto Quiet-Tartus.

Heee-ya! cries the other, dropping onto Shorty-Tartus.

Both Tarti recieve sharp blows to the back of the head.

They tumble over, in a flux of loose feathers.

Bumhole! We lose, says Terence. Bad luck team.

Wait, says Graceful. Ninjas, roll up your costumes!

The ninjas obey her.

I thought so, says Graceful. You have both dropped onto the wrong opponent. You're disqualified.

Yay! says Terence. That means we win.

No, it doesn't, says Graceful. Your team is also disqualified. 

What for? asks Terence.

For being knocked out by the wrong opponent, says Graceful.

A bit strict, don't you think? says Gaius.

Strict but fair, says Graceful. How are they? Should we check for concussion?

Shorty and Quiet are recovering. They stagger to their feet and rearrange their feathers.

We are fine, says Quiet-Tartus. Bring on the next contest.

Luckily, the next competition is: Best Noises.

Even a frog with potential concussion has a good chance at that.   

The Eternal Life Of The Impartial Philosopher

First competition! says Graceful. Are you ready?

Ready, say the Slender Bleating ninjas.

Ready! say the Tarti.

Go! says Graceful.

The ninjas race up a tree.

Watch out! cries Terence. They went up that tree!

No helping, says Graceful.

Quiet-Tartus and Shorty-Tartus raise their fists at the base of the tree.

Nothing happens.

Don't relax, says Terence.

We aren't, says Shorty-Tartus. But what are they doing?

Wood technique, Tanuki-gakure, says Graceful. Hiding up a tree. You need to counter.

Okay, says Quiet-Tartus, Time out please.

Twenty seconds, says Graceful.

Quiet-Tartus consults Terence.

What counter-moves should we use?

Follow them up the tree and punch them, says Terence.

Not in these feathers, says Quiet-Tartus.

Start a fire to distract them, says Terence.

I heard that, says Letitia. Not allowed. Also not possible in this drizzle.

Where on earth did you get that idea, Terence? asks Katherine.

Arthur, says Terence.

Time's up, says Graceful. Resume the fighting.

Any suggestions? asks Shorty-Tartus.

You're asking me? says Graceful.

Yes, says Shorty-Tartus. 

You could try Uzura-gakure, says Graceful.

Which is? asks Quiet-Tartus.

Earth technique. Curl up into a ball and remain motionless in order to appear like a stone, says Graceful.

Do it! says Terence.

Quiet and Shorty do it.

Who wins? asks Terence.

Who's the judge? asks Graceful. It should be someone impartial.

Me, says Terence.

Not you, says Graceful. Aren't you their manager?

Him, says Terence, pointing at Wittgenstein.

Good choice. Wittgenstein has been thinking philosophical thoughts and not focussing.

What is it? asks Wittgenstein.

What do you think? asks Terence.

If we take eternity to mean timelessness, eternal life belongs to those who live in the present, says Wittgenstein.

Ha ha, laughs Gaius. No eternal life for you then.

Very funny, says Wittgenstein. What's been happening?

Gaius explains the ninja contest so far.

The ninja team is camouflaging up a tree while the tarti are lurking below them, appearing as stones, says Gaius. You are elected to judge the winner.

Wittgenstein assesses the situation.

The contest has become non-dynamic, says Wittgenstein. 

Therefore I judge it a draw.

Two Slender Black Shadows

 Five minutes elapse.

Where are they? asks Terence.

Listen, says Quiet-Tartus. 

Everyone listens.

They hear a short high-pitched bleating.

Sheep! says Terence.

Better not be, says Quiet-Tartus. Sheep are easy-beats!

The bleating gets louder. 

Graceful tree frog runs gracefully down the trunk of a tree.

They're coming, says Graceful They just needed to get ready.

Why did they need to get ready? asks Shorty-Tartus.

They know you have feathers, says Graceful.

Do they know it's a costume? asks Quiet-Tartus.

They do, says Graceful. They want to look equally fearsome.

How many are there? aske Terence.

Just two, says Graceful. Here they are now.

Two slender black shadows leap down from a tree.

Heeee-ya!

Yikes! says Quiet-Tartus. 

Ninja costumes! says Shorty-Tartus.

They might not be them, says Terence.

We are them! says one of the slender ninjas.

Gaius steps out from behind a tree, where he has been observing.

May I interrupt the proceedings? asks Gaius.

What for? asks Graceful. 

These frogs are covered from head to toe in black garments, says Gaius. Our two frogs have come here in good faith. They wear only feathers. May I ask on behalf of our team that your ninjas reveal their bodies, before recommencing.

Ninjas never reveal their bodies! bleats one of the ninjas.

Then the contest is off, says Gaius.

The Slender Bleating ninjas consult with one another in whispers.

Slowly they roll up their costumes, revealing slender bodies with light brown backs, a wide longitudinal stripe down the middle, cream coloured bellies and black vocal sacs.

They roll them down again.

They are definitely them, says Letitia.

We said that, says one of the ninjas. Now to compete!

Wait, says Terence. You can't just do ninja fighting.

Why not? asks a ninja.

Because my team only does boxing, says Terence.

We don't know boxing, says the ninja. 

It's like punching, says Terence.

How about a series of contests? says Graceful. Like one, ninja fighting, two, boxing, three, making the best noises, and four.....ummm

Riddles! says Terence.

Both teams agree this is fair.

 

Emerald, Graceful And Common

 Let us now move things along a bit.

The pumpkin soup has been made and then eaten.

No one has complained.

Letitia has picked them up in the university Toyota.

Gaius and Katherine sit in the front with Letitia.

Wittgenstein, Terence, Roo-kai and the frogs in the back.

Also several bamboo pipes, a drill, a few nails and a hammer.

They drive for an hour, speaking mainly of frogs.

It is still raining, but not heavily.

Letitia stops. 

Here we are, says Letitia. 

Finally! says Terence. Where's the enemy?

The Slender Bleaters are not the enemy, says Gaius.

The opposition, says Quiet-Tartus.

We may not find any Slender Bleating tree frogs tonight, says Letitia. We'll soon see.

She turns on her torch.

They follow her to a tree nailed to which is a bamboo pipe frog trap.

Oh look! says Letitia, an Emerald Spotted!

The Emerald Spotted tree frog is perched at the top of the pipe trap, keeping a lookout.

It ducks down inside.

Froggy scramblings are heard.

There's more than one in there, says Letitia.

May I see? asks Gaius.

Letitia gives him the torch.

Unhook it, says Letitia. 

Gaius unhooks the tree pipe and upends it.

Careful! says Letitia.

Three frogs fall out, in a shower of water.

They are not all the same.

One is a Common Green tree frog, one is the Emerald Spotted, and the third is a Graceful.

Unusual to see them together, says Gaius.

What dear little creatures, says Katherine. 

They remind me of a book mark I was once given, says Wittgenstein. One of those 3D ones. But now I think about it, that one had orange eye rings.

That would have been an Orange-eyed tree frog, says Letitia.

I'm not surprised to hear it, says Wittgenstein.

Quiet-Tartus and Shorty-Tartus hop towards the three exposed tree frogs.

Gurk! Gurk! 

Do not be alarmed, says Quiet-Tartus. We are fellow tree frogs.

Pull the other one, says Emerald Spotted. You've got feathers.

We can take them off, says Quiet-Tartus. We almost did, before we came out, but in the end we decided to keep them on in case we met with Slender Bleaters.

Is that why you're here? asks Graceful.

Yes, says Shorty-Tartus. I don't suppose you've seen any.

O heaps, says Graceful.

Corker! says Letitia. 

Why do you want to meet them? asks Common Green.

Competition, says Quiet-Tartus. We were thought to be the same species, until recently, but now we are thought not to be, so it's important.

That doesn't make sense, says Graceful. We three aren't the same species, and we've never had a competition.

Well, that's not quite true, says Common.

Not a formal competition, says Emerald.

That's what we want, says Quiet-Tartus.

What FUN! says Graceful. How about we start in five minutes? We'll round up a few Slender Bleaters, and meet you back here.

Yay! says Terence. It's happening!

This is a sudden development.

Letitia can hardly believe it