What Can I Hope?

Terence runs out of the police station.

He sees the back of someone who looks like Sweezus. 

Hey! cries Terence.

Sweezus turns and walks back.

Hey little buddy! says Sweezus. How come...?

We got arrested! says Terence.

No way! says Sweezus. Where are...?

Gaius and Arthur wheel their bikes out of the station.

Look! says Terence. Sweezus is here.

What are you doing in Victor Harbor? asks Gaius.

Stopped off to show Immanuel what it looks like, says Sweezus. He's gone for a walk.

Are you on bicycles? asks Gaius.

Borrowed Katherine's car, says Sweezus. But hey, Terence says you got arrested.

Not really, says Gaius. A case of lost property, that's all.

I lost Gloopy, says Terence. 

Where? asks Sweezus. 

On the bus, says Terence.

You might not get him back, says Sweezus. But at least he was dead.

At least? says Terence.

I just meant he won't be upset, says Sweezus.

It was his last adventure, says Terence. Getting left on a bus.

Yeah, says Sweezus. It happens. But hey what's the time? Shit! I'm supposed to be meeting Kant in two minutes.

Where? asks Gaius. 

Other end of the street, says Sweezus. Near the Causeway.

Want to borrow my bike? asks Arthur.

It's the first thing he has said.

Holy guacamole! says Sweezus. You don't look too good.

He has a fever, says Gaius. And one of his cuts is infected.

Man! says Sweezus. Yeah, I'll take the bike. Meet me down there.

He takes Arthur's bike and speeds off to meet Kant.

But Kant is not where he left him.

Where is he?  The man whose life runs like clockwork.

He is halfway across the Causeway, hurrying back.

Asking himself his favourite three questions. What can I know? What can I do? What can I hope?

Well he knows he can't hope to get back by four o'clock, that is certain. 

He is three minutes late.

Apologies, says Kant.

No worries, says Sweezus.  Did you get to the island?

No, says Kant. I did not. I see you have acquired a bicycle.

Yeah it's my friend's bike, says Sweezus. He's got a fever.

Dear me, says Kant. Is it this new influenza?

Nah, says Sweezus. One of the cuts in his leg got infected. 

Should he be riding a bike? asks Kant.

Yeah, nah, says Sweezus. I was thinking if you rode his bike to Waitpinga I could give him a lift in the car.

Ride there on my own? asks Kant.

No, with Gaius, says Sweezus. He's got a bike too. Here they come now.

Gaius and Arthur arrive, with Terence in the bicycle basket. 

Kant looks at Arthur. 

I have never ridden a bicycle before, says Kant, but it must be quite easy. Sweezus has asked me to give up my place in the car and ride your bike to Waitpinga.

What a kind offer, says Gaius. That will give Arthur some time to recover.

Arthur looks suitably grateful.

What about me? asks Terence.

You can go in the car or the basket, says Sweezus. I'd choose the basket, you'll see more.

I'd choose the car, says Gaius.

You Can't Kill Anything Else

Victor has given Arthur two paracetamol tablets, and a glass of water.

 Now... where was he? 

Yes, the dead skate.

So you claim it was dead before you left Tasmania, says Victor.

It was, says Gaius.

And it died by accident, says Victor.

Yes! says Terence. We already told you.

So that's cleared that up, says Gaius. May we go now?

Not so fast, says Victor. I have only your word for it.

I think you know me to be a trustworthy person, says Gaius

I haven't forgotten the case of the penguin pie, says Victor.

That was a joke, says Gaius. 

Never proven, says Victor. But all right. I'll close the case if you provide a statement from the chap who threw the skateboard into the pullalong causing the death of the skate.

Excellent, says Gaius. I'll get in touch with that person.

Will he have to go to jail? asks Terence.

Not if it was an accident, says Victor. But if the skate was dead before you left Tasmania, there may be further complications.

If so, you can find us at Waitpinga, says Gaius.

Good, says Victor. At least you can't kill anything else.

Meaning? says Gaius.

The fish are washing up dead, says Victor.

A grim jest on your part, says Gaius.

Couldn't resist it, says Victor.

Gaius, Arthur and Terence are now free to leave the police station.

Will they bump into Sweezus?

It's possible.

It is half an hour since Sweezus left Immamuel Kant to grab a coffee, while Kant went for his half past three walk.

Here comes Sweezus now.

He is passing the police station.

In such cases, a few seconds can make all the difference.

Transcendental Grass

Want me to come with you? asks Sweezus.

No, thank you, says Immanuel Kant. I'll go on my own. The reason being, I prefer to keep my mouth shut.

No worries, says Sweezus.

And breathe through my nose, adds Immanuel Kant.

Yeah, okay, says Sweezus.

For the simple reason I don't wish to catch cold, says Immanuel Kant.

It's thirty two degrees, says Sweezus. 

Yes it is rather warm, says Immanuel Kant. I shall walk in the direction of those linden trees.

I don't think they're linden trees, says Sweezus.  I reckon they're pines.

All the more reason to keep my mouth shut, says Kant. 

Yeah, pines make some people sneeze, says Sweezus. Okay I'll go and grab a coffee. Meet you back here in thirty minutes.

Excellent, says Kant, walking off.

He heads towards the pine trees that are not linden trees. 

One must not allow things like that to upset one.

Ah! Grass! Grass is the same everywhere. A transcendental concept.

He begins to feel better. 

He breathes in and out though his nose.

Sweezus heads for a coffee shop.

To get there he must pass the police station.

He passes it, without looking in.

Inside the police station, Gaius is explaining how Gloopy came to have died, and been stowed way in a pullalong, and on discovery, placed in a vinegar bottle...

Because he smelled, says Victor. Terence told me that.

So you have inteviewed Terence, says Gaius.

A mere friendly chat, says Victor. Go on.

So we arrived back in Adelaide with the skate in a bottle, says Gaius. I suppose I should have declared it, but we were needed as players.

Players? says Victor.

In Vello's Fringe show, says Gaius. AI Candide. It was during Scene Three that the accident happened.

Gloopy fell out of a tree and broke his bottle, says Terence.

After which Arthur was injured, says Gaius.

Oh yes, Arthur, says Victor. Would you like some paracetamol?

I might, says Arthur. 

I was thinking more along the lines of an amulet, says Gaius.

An amulet would be good, says Arthur. Would there be something in it?

Ideally some dust that a hawk has bathed in, says Gaius. Tied up in a linen bag, with red string. Failing that, the head of a viper.

Paracetamol it will have to be, then, says Victor.

He's not having that sort of nonsense.

Police Ears

Victor gets out of the police car.

Thought I'd find you here, says Victor.

Whereas I did not expect to find you here, says Gaius.

That's as may be, says Victor.

Demotion? asks Arthur.

Not at all, says Victor. My secondment has ended, not that it's any of your business.

I take it you've been looking for me, says Gaius.

 I have, says Victor. I suppose you can guess why.

No, says Gaius. Unless you are going to be unnecessarily officious regarding our intended visit to Waitpinga.

What's this? No, says Victor. But I advise against it.

What then? asks Gaius.

He's found GLOOPY! says Terence.

Victor's police ears prick up.

And who or what is Gloopy? asks Victor.

A herring, says Arthur.

Not an endangered maugean skate? says Victor. One has been found on a bus in Adelaide. And the security camera enabled the transport authorities to identify who it was left by.

Me! cries Terence.

You are a minor, says Victor. It's Gaius who's in trouble, unless he can explain how the dead skate came into his possession.

I can explain, says Gaius, but it's a long story.

Then I must ask you to accompany me to the police station, says Victor.

I should be happy to, says Gaius. But Arthur has a fever and needs my immediate attention.

Yes, says Arthur. 

Then he may accompany you, says Victor. We have a first aid box.

What about our bikes? says Gaius.

Bring them, says Victor. They'll be safe at the station.

So Gaius and Arthur wheel their bikes over the road to the police station. 

Terence gets a short ride in the police car.

What can you tell me about the dead maugean skate? asks Victor.

He could do tricks on a skateboard, says Terence. He wanted to come with us, so he hid under my skateboard and Surfing-with-Whales didn't know and threw him into the pullalong and he died but I knew he wanted to have an adventure so I put him in my pocket but he smelled.

And this happened where? asks Victor.

In my pocket, says Terence.

It is now Victor remembers that he should not interview a child on his own in a police car.

They arrive at the police station, at the same time as Gaius and Arthur.

And go inside.

A small white car which was passing slows down. 

Not because Sweezus, the driver, saw his friends enter the police station.

Nothing so coincidental.

But because it is half past three and his passenger, a man of habit, insists on stopping for his half past three walk.

 

Oozing

The bus stops in Victor Harbor.

Gaius and Terence get off.

Where's Arthur? says Terence.

Gaius gets back on.

Forgotten something? asks the driver.

My colleague, says Gaius. He was sitting at the back.

Go on then, says the driver.

Gaius goes to the back of the bus where Arthur is napping.

Wake up, Arthur, says Gaius. 

Where are we? asks Arthur.

Victor, says Gaius. We need to hire bikes.

Okay, says Arthur, standing up. 

Ouch! He was stuck to the seat.

How are your wounds? asks Gaius.

Oozing, says Arthur. 

You look a bit hot, says Gaius. 

I'm fine, says Arthur.

They get off the bus.

Terence has been waiting.

NOW can we call about Gloopy? asks Terence.

Gaius looks at his watch.

As soon as we've hired our bicycles, says Gaius.

They head to the bike shop, and hire two bikes, one with a basket for Terence.

Why do I have to go in a basket? asks Terence.

Because its not far to Waitpinga, says Gaius. We don't need a pullalong.

You guys going to Waitpinga? asks the bike shop assstant. You do know it's closed?

Yes we know, says Gaius. We are going in the interests of science, not leisure.

Not sure it makes any difference, says the bike shop assistant.

It makes all the difference, says Gaius.

Not if you're planning to go in the water, says the assistant.

I am, says Terence. I have to work the thermometer.

You look too young to work a thermometer, says the assistant.

But I'm the only one who's inPREvious, says Terence.

What does that mean? asks the assistant.

Impervious, says Gaius. It means ...

I know what it means, says the assistant. But the kid still looks too young.

Arthur staggers, knocking over a whole row of bikes.

You'd better take care of him too, says the bike shop assistant.

Arthur! says Gaius. Do you have a fever?

Probably, says Arthur. 

I know just the thing, says Gaius. 

He pays for the bike hire, and they wheel the bikes out of the bike shop.

What about Gloopy? asks Terence.

All right, says Gaius. 

He is about to call Adelaide Metro Lost Property, when a police car pulls up

Kant On Wheels

The bus to Victor Harbor starts moving.

Arthur sits near the back.

Gaius and Terence sit on the dark side, close to the middle.

Why did we need a thermometer? asks Terence.

To take the temperature of the sea, says Gaius.

Can I do it? asks Terence.

That would be good in one way and bad in another, says Gaius.

Why? asks Terence.

Good because you wouldn't get a rash or a cough from the algae, says Gaius.

Has the algae gone? asks Terence.

No, but you are generally impervious, says Gaius.

So can I do it? asks Terence.

You know what happens when you venture too far into the sea, says Gaius.

Yes, says Terence. I sink.

You sink, says Gaius.

So I could take the temperature of the sea at the bottom, says Terence.

That's a good point, says Gaius. It might be worth doing.

Yay, thinks Terence. 

At the back of the bus, Arthur is making a phone call to Sweezus.

Ring ring! Sweezus answers.

Hey bro!  Where are you?

On the bus to Victor Harbor, says Arthur.

Thought you were going to Waitpinga, says Sweezus.

We are, says Arthur. We're hiring bikes in Victor.

Cool, says Sweezus. We're heading straight to Waitpinga.

We? says Arthur.

This old dude's coming with me, says Sweezus. 

How come? asks Arthur.

The boss insisted. says Sweezus. He wants me to interview this guy for Velosophy, so I had this brainwave.

To bring him with you, says Arthur. Does he know about the poisonous froth?

The old dude? says Sweezus. No I just told him it's scenic. 

Right, says Arthur. What's his name?

Kant, says Sweezus. Immanuel. 

Rings a bell, says Arthur.

It should, says Sweezus. He's famous. But heaps weird as well. He goes for a walk every afternoon at three thirty.

No matter what? says Arthur.

So he claims, says Sweezus. And he keeps his socks up in this weird way as well.

Does he ride a bike? asks Arthur.

Dunno, says Sweezus. Guess I should ask him.

I thought that was one of the requirements, says Arthur. 

Yeah, says Sweezus. The boss wouldn't have set it up otherwise. 

Kant on Wheels, says Arthur.

I might borrow that title, says Sweezus.

How does he keep his socks up? asks Arthur.

With tapes up his legs and into his pockets, says Sweezus.

So he doesn't wear shorts, says Arthur.

Shit no, says Sweezus,

Dark Side

Terence is fretting about Gloopy, who he left on the bus.

I'll make a call to lost property, says Gaius.

Now? asks Terence.

Not now, says Gaius. He won't have been handed in yet.

What if no one hands him in? asks Terence.

Then you must resign yourself to his loss, says Gaius. And remember to look on the bright side. He was already dead.

Okay, says Terence. What's the bright side?

That was the bright side, says Gaius.

So what's the dark side? asks Terence.

Why don't you ask Arthur, says Gaius.

Terence stands up in his seat and looks over at Arthur.

Arthur, says Terence.

What? says Arthur. 

What's the dark side? asks Terence.

The dark side of what? asks Arthur.

Of the bright side, says Terence.

The opposite, says Arthur.

Terence thinks about this. If the bright side is that Gloopy is dead and the dark side is the opposite...

No way! says Terence. It would be GOOD if Gloopy was alive.

The dark side can be good, says Arthur.

He picks at a scab. Ouch! It feels like there might still be glass in it.

It might fester, and pop out by itself in a day or two....

The bright side of a dark side. Or the opposite.

Marion. 

They get off the bus. It's twenty minutes till the bus leaves for Victor Harbor.

If you hurry, says Gaius, you'll have time to find a chemist and buy a thermometer. Take my credit card.

Arthur takes it and goes into the shopping mall to look for a chemist.

He returns ten minutes later with a thermometer.

Good man, says Gaius. Where's the receipt?

But Arthur seems to have lost it.

Can I take my temperature? asks Terence.

Okay, says Arthur. Put it under your arm.

Don't squeeze it, says Gaius.

Twenty one degrees, says Arthur.

Wow! says Terence. I'm hot!

You are, says Gaius. When the Victor Harbor bus comes, don't choose a seat on the bright side.