Embroi-der-y

A burglar, while burgling a house, takes meat out of the freezer and leaves it to defrost. He is looking for money in the freezer hidden behind the meat. People do sometimes hide money in the fridge. Burglars look for it there. It isn't surprising that a burglar would take the meat out of the freezer and not put it back. Put yourself in the place of the burglar. It's not what you would do.

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An art exhibition on Wednesday. One of the artists has embroidered four steak knives and four defrosting cuts of meat. The blades of the knives glitter sharply and blood oozes out of the meat in tiny beaded blobs, frosted fractals melt into icy pools of water under the meat, executed in tiny even stitches that the artist has learned in classes at Hampton Court.

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A moth has eaten six holes in a pale blue woollen blanket edged with slippery satin. It was looking for something to eat, that is all. Moths do sometimes eat holes in blankets when they are hungry. It isn't surprising. Put yourself in the place of the moth. It's what you would do.

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Tuesday, at the wooden table out the back. On the table, a yellow cloth embroidered with daisies. On the cloth, the pale blue woollen blanket, with six holes in the middle. An artist is darning the holes with fine strands of blue baby wool which she has previously unravelled. She weaves the strands in and out across the holes from left to right and then from top to bottom, one by one. The sun is bright. A fly sits on the blanket, she waves it away. She feels strangely happy.

How to Silence a Room

Every time I walk past the pantry now I imagine a toad nailed to the door jamb, I said crossly to Pliny the Elder. How cruel you Romans were. Did you ever do it?

Of course not, replied Pliny. We had slaves to do such tasks. Toads are poisonous to the touch. And you may be interested to know that they have many other uses in addition to the repulsion of pests. For example it is well known that the presence of a toad will silence a room. A particular bone from the left side of a toad will reduce the fury of dogs, while the equivalent bone from the right side will instantly cool boiling liquid.

How very useful, I said. However there are no toads in Australia, except for the imported cane toad, which lives up north.

What a shame, said Pliny.

No it isn't, I said. The cane toad is a huge pest. It eats native animals and bees, as well as carrion and household rubbish. And it's marching southwards. We wish we'd never imported them now.

Why don't you kill them ? asked Pliny.

They're very hard to get rid of I believe. They don't have many predators because they're so poisonous. But apparently meat ants are quite successful at eating young toadlets. It seems that cane toad poison works by attacking the heart, something ants don't have.

But don't humans kill them? pursued Pliny. Surely they could be poisoned or hit on the head with a stick.

I think they are, I said doubtfully. I do know that the humane way to kill a cane toad is to put it in the fridge in a plastic bag for half an hour and then transfer it to the freezer.

Jumping Jupiter! said Pliny. I hope you never catch one!