Porto-Vecchio to Bastia : Short Exchanges

It is the first day of the tour. The sun is shining and the course is flat. Everyone is riding normally. But someone is not there.

There goes Ageless! says Sweezus to Surfing-With-Whales.

Ageless lobster whizzes past them looking like a puce-banded orange-shod bee.

Yeah, says Surfing-With-Whales. Bloody Ageless.

Exchanges are short in the tour. But what happened was this:

Gaius failed to wake up in the morning in time for the start. Arthur cobbled together an outfit for Ageless out of scraps, toothpicks and glue. But Ageless is not yet the team leader of Team Provenance. Just so you know.

There is a slight fracas ahead.

What's up? says Sweezus.

Froome's down! says Surfing-With-Whales.

Brill! says Sweezus. Oh bugger no. He's up again.

David and Vello ride up behind them

What a beautiful day! says Vello . Smell the Corsican pine trees. And you, here you are riding along in the middle. Any chance of you going a bit faster?

Not unless you've got any Power Bars, says Sweezus. I haven't had breakfast.

No, says David . We forgot 'em. But don't worry, Belle et Bonne will be turning up soon.

This news gives a boost to Sweezus and Surfing-With Whales. They pedal harder, and soon disappear.

Poor old Gaius, says David.

Indeed, says Vello. But perhaps it is all for the best.

Not if he's ill, says David. That's not all for the best.

Do you want to debate now, says Vello. Or shall we speed up?

They speed up.

Nothing much happens for ages. The crowd clap and cheer at the side of the road and wave flags

Near the finish, a series of crashes. Contador and Sagan are down.

A bus is wedged over the finish line. Disaster! The finish line will have to be moved!

But no. The tyres are let down. The bus is wheeled off. The finish line will stay where it is.

Who is this approaching the finish line? Saint Niko, his wheels hardly touching the ground.

Marcel Kittel just pips him at the last minute. Well done, Kittel! He wins the stage.

Here comes Ageless, just a few seconds later. Followed by Arthur and Unni.

Team Provenance is peaking too soon.

Drugged And Massaged To Sleep In Porto-Vecchio

It's the eve of the Tour de France. Team Provenance are in their hotel room, in Porto-Vecchio. Ageless is lobbying for a place on the team, as a replacement.

No, no and no, says Gaius definitively. Both Niko and I will be perfectly fine. We just need a good sleep tonight. And furthermore, you don't have an outfit.

This sounds like a weak point to Ageless.

He sidles over to Arthur.

Any spare outfits? says Ageless.

No, says Arthur. I just ordered four. How do you like them?

You all look like bees, says Ageless, with a touch of sour grapes.

I think we look brilliant, says Unni, looking fondly at Arthur. Black and gold, with puce leg grips, and bright orange shoes.

But no spare ones, says Arthur. And anyway, it would be hard to fit you.

No it wouldn't, says Ageless. Is there any material left over?

No, says Arthur.

That looks like that.

But Ageless has thought of a plan.

Alright, says Ageless. Looks like I'm just the team gopher. I shall endeavour to do a good job.Would you like a sleeping draught, Gaius and Niko?

What a wonderful idea, says Gaius.

Yes please, says Saint Niko. And an embrocation. Oh, my back!

Ageless skitters away to the chemist, and not the official team chemist.

As if we'd use Ageless, says Gaius. Remember his old team, Team Crustacean?

No, says Unni. What happened?

Ageless was captain, and the rest of the team were two crabs and a comatose octopus called Starpuss, says Gaius. They dragged her behind in a cart. It all ended in tears and destruction.

Ha ha, laughs Niko. I can just picture it. Except .....how does he ride?

Yeah, says Unni. With eight legs. How does he?

He has no problem with that, says Gaius. He pedals with the two biggest ones, grips the handlebars with the next two, and straps the rest up. He rides rather well, in the circumstances. But we need not concern ourselves with that. He is just the team gopher, as he so aptly described it.

Ageless returns with a bottle of pills and a jar of embrocation. Gaius and Niko retire to the bedroom, to be drugged and massaged gently to sleep.

Arthur, says Unni, is there really no material left?

There are a few scraps, says Arthur. Here in my pocket.

Don't throw them out yet, says Unni.

Hopes And Fears For The Tour De France

Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen are discussing the Tour de France teams and their prospects.

Paul Sherwen: Well, Phil, have you got any tips for us? Who'll win this year??

Phil Liggett: First let me say how wonderful it is to be in Corsica for the one hundredth Tour de France.

Paul Sherwen: And who do you think's going to win it?

Phil Liggett: Chris Froome's shaping up as the favourite. But Alberto Contador will give him a run for his money. And we mustn't forget Cadel Evans. He's older, but he came third in the Giro D'Italia this year, so he'll be in there with a chance. Andy Shleck's talking down his own chances.

Paul Sherwen: And what about some of the lesser known prospects? I hear intriguing stories about Team Philosophe this year. A new young talented rider.

Phil Liggett: Indeed they have, Paul. He goes by the interesting name of Surfing-With-Whales. He's certainly a contender to win a few stages, but I've heard a rumour that he isn't a happy man today. He's been going around with a very long face. Broken up with his girlfriend.

Paul Sherwen: Let's hope he can remain focused. He has two old stalwarts in his team to keep him on the straight and narrow. The Velodrone and David Hume are back for another year. I don't know how they do it. And of course they have Sweezus to do the hard work. He's never won a stage, but he's a very dependable rider.

Phil Liggett: And of course Gaius Plinius Secundus has a new team this year, Team Provenance.   He's enlisted Saint Niko, Arthur Rimbaud, and a new young man, Unni Moon. No one knows much about Unni Moon except that he's European. He popped up out of nowhere. I hear he's strong in the mountains and fast in the sprints.

Paul Sherwen: Perhaps you haven't heard the latest, Phil? About Gaius and Niko?

Phil Liggett: No, enlighten me, Paul.

Paul Sherwen: It seems they went riding yesterday in the mountains and both pulled up rather sore.

Phil Liggett: Oh deary dear, that is bad news. Will they be alright for Saturday?

Paul Sherwen: They hope so. The only possible replacement for either of them is a lobster.

Phil Liggett: You're pulling my leg.

Paul Sherwen: No, it's Ageless lobster. He's ridden before, in the Tour Down Under.

Phil Liggett: Oh yes, I remember. Team Crustacean. Haha.  Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Hot Blistering Tears

The teams have arrived in Porto Vecchio. Team Provenance waits in a cafe for Team Philosophe to turn up.

Where are they? says Gaius. We've been waiting ten minutes. I wanted to test my new bike.

Me too, says Niko. Let's do it. Arthur and Bunny, I mean Unni, you wait here.

Alright, says Bunny. Off you go. Don't over do it. Those mountains look awfully steep.

Pooh, says Gaius. We are both fit as a fiddle.

He and Niko go off on their bikes.

Suddenly Sweezus appears, followed by Vello and David.

Arthur! Bunny! says Sweezus. Guys, what's happening? We heard you're in a new team!

Yes, says Vello, and we're disappointed.

We certainly are, says David. We thought we had Arthur teed up.

Bad luck, says Bunny. Arthur's in our team, Team Provenance. So who have you got in his place? Ageless is hoping...

No, we don't need Ageless, says Vello. We have engaged a young rider of talent. Here he is now!

The young rider with talent walks up to the table and stands directly in front of Bunny, looking sheepish.

Shit! says Bunny. Surfing-With-Whales! Hi!

Hi, Bunny, says Surfing-With-Whales. Long time no see.

So EMBARRASSING! says Bunny, turning pink.

Arthur gives her a nudge.

Oh yes, says Bunny. Not embarrassing.

What's up? says Sweezus. I thought you guys would be happy to see us.

We are, says Arthur. Its just that Bunny's no longer a girl.

I get it, says Sweezus, understanding at once.

So do Vello and David. They are quite used to bending the rules.

But Surfing-With-Whales is heartbroken. He sits down at the next table and stares out to sea through a veil of hot blistering tears.

How To Stop Being A Girl

Team Provenance is flying to Corsica. Arthur and Bunny are leaning over their seats talking to Gaius and Niko, who are seated behind them. They are having a meeting.  Ageless has not been invited, as he is not part of the team.

We'll need bikes, says Gaius.  I assume you can buy them in Corsica.

Oh yes, surely, says Niko. And if not, I can always get bikes. But perhaps not the best ones.....

Another thing, says Bunny. I'm a girl. How do we get around that?

Change your name, says Arthur. That's what I'd do.

Cool, says Bunny. What name shall I have? Let me think.

How about Unni? says Ageless, from under the seat.

Unni? says Bunny. How did you come up with that? I quite like it. It sounds kind of European. What do you think Arthur?

Yes, says Arthur. It sounds European. Unni. Androgynous. No one will guess.

Niko isn't so sure. He has known many names in his job as a bishop, and never a boy's name of Unni.

He shrugs. Never mind. It will do. Time is short.

Anything else? says Gaius. The dinner trolley is approaching.

Outfits, says Ageless from under the seat. What are we wearing?

We? says Gaius. Ageless, you are not in the team.

I am, says Ageless. Because if I'm not, I shall spill the beans about Unni.

You can be the team runner, says Gaius. You can organise sports drinks and snacks.

We'll see about that, says Ageless. I accept, but conditionally. If I get a better offer, I'll take it. Team Philosophe might be short now they haven't got Arthur.

Arthur stiffens. Team Philosophe! He would rather be riding for them. His old team, with his brother in arms, Sweezus. Perhaps he could swap places with Ageless.....

Arthur says nothing. He is thinking, but not about outfits.

The dinner trolley arrives.

He and Unni turn round and sit down.

Hardening Cream Versus Egg

Arthur is at the chemist's. He peruses the bandages. There are many sorts. He wants very long ones, good quality, as he has no intention of paying. He is engrossed in his task.

He hears the sound of a ruckus, over at the counter.

It is Ageless.

Hardening cream, Ageless seems to be saying repeatedly.

Ageless increases the volume. HARDENING CREAM!

How? says the assistant, astonished, and not speaking very good English.

Arthur goes over to the counter, having dropped an extra long roll of white gauze wrapped in cellophane into his pocket.

Ageless, says Arthur. What's up?

Arthur! says Ageless. My saviour! Tell this person what it is that I want.

What is it you want? asks Arthur. Did I hear you say hardening cream?

Yes! Yes! shouts Ageless. Can't you see I'm in all sorts of trouble? I got out of the water too soon. I feel like a peeled egg.

Egg? says the chemist's assistant. He want egg?

No egg, says Arthur. And he doesn't want hardening cream. He doesn't want anything. We're leaving.

He drags Ageless outside.

You're as hard as a nut, says Arthur. This is all in your head. Are you coming with us over to Corsica? We're leaving today for the Tour.

Me? says Ageless. But I'm soft in the head. And a meanie!

So what? says Arthur.  This is all about Twitcher. When something is dead we forget it. What's the matter with you? Harden up!

Urrgh, says Ageless. That's what Baby Pierre said.

He was right, says Arthur. And he's only a stone.

This thought acts magically upon Ageless. Told to harden up by a stone. Until now he had not seen the irony. He laughs. Haha! He becomes stronger by the second. He swells visibly. He will go to Corsica.

Not only that. He will RIDE!

An Oil To Good Relations

Bunny has now arranged everything. Team Provenance will take the bus to Denizli, catch a flight to Istanbul, then fly on to Corsica. It can be done in a day. Well done Bunny.

All that remains is to say goodbye to Katherine, and Professor D'Andria, and tie up some loose odds and ends.

Katherine is sitting in a deckchair.

Bye bye, dear Katherine, says Bunny. I wish you were coming as well.

I shall stay here a while longer, says Katherine. It suits me. I feel I'm becoming younger by the minute.

Do you indeed? says Gaius. Wonderful!  I assume you mean on the inside.

Gaius, says Katherine. If I didn't know you so well I might consider that rudeness.

Rudeness? says Gaius How so? Do you mean to say you have also improved on the outside?

Certainly. Look at my feet, says Katherine, holding them up.

Gaius inspects them.

Remarkable, says Gaius What a pity I haven't time to investigate further. The hot springs are reputed to cure many things but an old woman's misshapen talons, horny bunions and protrusions I would have thought beyond the pale........

Professor D'Andria feels it timely to interrupt at this point.

Indeed, a great pity, says he. It has been a pleasure to meet you Gaius Plinius Secundus. And  I must thank you for the loan your two assistants at the Portal back there. Without them we should never have learned so much about the miasma. Or indeed, the canine features of the God of the Underworld.

Professor D'Andria grins, and makes an elegant bow.

Gaius nods graciously. Politeness is an oil to good relations.

You will no doubt find much to interest you in Corsica, adds Professor D'Andria. The Roman settlements and the Old Roman Port.....

 As to that, says Gaius, I shall be entirely taken up with the Tour. I have not had much time for cycling practice. And I must get a bike.

I wonder if David and Vello are as organised as you are, says Katherine. Do say hello when you get there.
Well, goodbye Gaius, goodbye Bunny, goodbye Niko. And Arthur.......where has Arthur disappeared to?

Arthur has gone to the chemist, to buy bandages, and there has met someone he knows.....