Come Off! Come Off!

Nietzsche is keen to get started. But he doesn't have a pen.

Neither does Lauren.

Never mind. That won't stop Nietzsche.

I'll speak my thoughts, says Nietzsche. You listen. And if you understand what I'm saying, just nod.

Go ahead, says Lauren, her eye on the surfers.

I favour an affirmative approach to philosophy, says Nietzsche.

Lauren nods. Sweezus has made it out to the main group of surfers. So far so good.

The old philosophy traditions of knowledge, truth and free will are inventions, says Nietzsche.

Lauren nods vaguely. Sweezus is standing. No! He's moving in on another dude's wave!

The new philosopher must go beyond good and evil, says Nietzsche.

Oh dear, says Lauren. He shouldn't do that.

Just nod or don't nod, says Nietzsche. I don't need your opinion.

Lauren nods. Sweezus has come off his board. Just as well. There's a protocol.

The thing is, says Nietzsche, I need some sort of hook.

Lauren nods. He needs a hook. What's he talking about?

You look puzzled, says Nietzsche.

He's come off, says Lauren. I hope he's not cramping.

Come off! Come off! What does that mean? Like the tightrope walker? Like the Catcher, attempting to change his identity! Yes, the Catcher!

Thank you, Lauren, says Nietzsche. You've been wonderfully helpful. I have my hook. It's the Catcher.

The Catcher? says Lauren. Good heavens! We've left him up there in the café with Ageless. A disabled crab and a half blind lobster. Anything might happen!

What? asks Nietzsche.

In the CAFE! says Lauren.

She gets up and runs through the sand to the ramp leading up to the café.

She is magnificent! Nietzsche follows behind.

Café Bombora is full. But Ageless and the Catcher are no longer in it.

Lauren runs up to the counter.

A crab and a lobster? says the barista. I don't remember. I'll ask round the back.

The cook comes out.

This looks dire. The cook may have cooked them.

Don't tell me you've cooked them, says Lauren.

What sort of cook do you think I am? says the cook. I have my morality.

Nietzsche wonders how it works, his morality. Is it because they came in the front door and sat at a table? Or is it that they were imperfect? Foolish man. Why wouldn't he cook them?

He will never know.

Because the cook has news of the whereabouts of Ageless and the Catcher.

The cook: They went off with a really nice family. Mum and dad and two kiddies.

Lauren: Crikey! Where did they go?

The cook: I think they were going on one of those Spirit of the Coorong Cruises. One of the top things to do in Goolwa. Pricey though.

Lauren: I've heard of them. Thanks a million! Come on, Friedrich!

She dashes out of the Café Bombora, followed at a short distance by Friedrich Nietzsche, who still has his surf rash, and can't go all that quickly.

Vaseline Or Remember Your Mission

What happens happens.

Sweezus is right.

This is what happens.

He goes down to the beach, looks out to where Surfing-With-Whales is waiting on a wave with several group members and remembers the second best surfboard is back in the van.

And Nietzsche has gone back to the van with Lauren to see to his rash.

Better wait till they come out again.

He sits down on the sand facing the ramp, observing the van.

Nietzsche and Lauren emerge after several long minutes. Nietzsche first. He's walking funny.

Lauren spots Sweezus sitting down on the beach.

She knows what that means. He's waiting for a surfboard.

She makes the sign for: Do you want us to bring you one down?

Yeah, signs back Sweezus.

Lauren drags the board from the van and indicates one end to Nietzsche.

Nietzsche appears to be showing some reluctance. He points to his groin area, circumspectly.

Lauren flips the surfboard and presents him the pointy end.

He has little choice now but to take it.

They bring the board down the ramp together.

Ridiculoso! thinks Sweezus.

Here you are, Sweezie, says Lauren. Now you can go in. But maybe you shouldn't. You've just had that big burger.

Thanks, says Sweezus. Yeah, I'll wait a bit longer.

Good boy, says Lauren.

See? she says, turning to Nietzsche. HE takes my advice.

I took your advice, says Nietzsche.

Not really, says Lauren. You used the Vaseline. I recommended the aloe vera.

I didn't realise you were advising me against it, says Nietzsche.

I wasn't, says Lauren. It was your choice. What would you have used, Sweezie?

Huh? asks Sweezus, his eyes on a wave.

On a surf rash, says Lauren. Vaseline or aloe vera?

Oh yeah, aloe vera, says Sweezus. Vaseline's petroleum jelly. Bad for the eco. Bad for the sea.

I'm not going in again, says Nietzsche. And Vaseline is thicker.

Good choice then, says Sweezus, remembering his mission.

Nietzsche's moustache curves slightly upwards. This means he is smiling.

Go for it, Sweezus.

I was wondering, says Sweezus, if you'd be interested in writing a short piece for Velosophy?

What about? asks Lauren. I could write one on Reiki.

He meant me, says Nietzsche.

I could help you write it, says Lauren.

I write alone, says Nietzsche. Without any restrictions.

That's cool, says Sweezus. There's no restrictions. You can write about anything. Just so long as....

But Nietzsche is off on a roll now.

I shall write on this theme. Man is an experiment. Much error and ignorance has come forth in him.

I must say I agree with you there, says Lauren. If only they'd listen.

Sweezus can't wait any longer. The waves are increasing in size. His Big Burger is diminishing. He has sort of got an agreement from Nietzsche. The bicycle problem can wait. He gets up, grabs the second best surfboard and heads for the water.

There now, you see what I mean? says Lauren.

A Crushed Can Of Mother No Crumbs

Cafe Bombora.

Surfing-With-Whales stands up abruptly.

Heads for the door with three new group members.

Whales are finished, he says, passing his mother, and casting a dark eye on Nietzsche.

Oh, I hope not, says Lauren. I know some are Endangered. And others are Vulnerable or Insufficiently Known.

He may not have meant it in that sense, says Nietzsche.

I know, says Lauren. I was joking. Although it's not funny. He's in a bad mood for some reason. And I don't think he ate anything.

She gets up to examine her son's empty table.

Just one crushed can of Mother. No crumbs.

Sweezus stops chewing and watches Nietzsche eat his Tastiest Fishburger.

Looks like he's enjoying it.

He has mayo all through his moustache.

Maybe yeah, this might be the right time to ask him.

How's the Fishburger? asks Sweezus

Excellent, replies Nietzsche.

You were ace at surfing, says Sweezus.

Thank you, says Nietzsche.

I was wondering...... says Sweezus.

But I seem to have developed an unpleasant rash, says Nietzsche.

Should've worn a rashie, mutters Sweezus.

Damn. Missed the moment. Nietzsche looks gloomy again.

Lauren returns to the table. Did I hear rashie? Has someone got a rash?

I have, says Nietzsche.

Poor you, says Lauren. Come back to the van and I'll put something on it.

Nietzsche looks hopeful.

They get up and go.

Sweezus is left with the injured Ageless and the disabled Catcher.

Vulnerable, says the Catcher

Insufficiently Known, says Ageless.

What're you talking about? asks Sweezus.

Whales, says the Catcher. Didn't you hear?

Wasn't listening, says Sweezus.

Put something on it, says the Catcher. Lovey dovey.

Ha ha, says Ageless bitterly. Only if you're HUMAN.

But Sweezus is floating along his own stream of consciousness, not registering the complaints of his charges.

Sweezus's thoughts (as they come) : jeez he's a sensitive bugger, now i'll have to wait till lauren creams him up before i can ask him, what'll i say?.... hey friedy, ha ha friedy how's about writing a few words for velosophy, anything you like as long as it's got a bicycle in it, bicycle, yeah, wonder if surfing-with-whales is gonna ride in the tour this year, he's in a foul mood must be his mum or something shit he's nearly my age get the fuck over it, those new boardies were cool hey i wonder if after she's washed em....if he doesn't want them, yeah... but.... do I?  woah looks like he's heading out there with those other guys maybe i'll go with them shit better not after that massivo big bombora beef burger brrp....haah.... it was heaps nice though, and yeah anyway what happens happens .......

Looks like Sweezus might be about to do something foolish.

A Leg Or A Smelling Organ?

How are you feeling? asks Lauren.

Strangely relaxed, replies Nietzsche.

Lauren helps him up from the sand.

Let's get you up to the cliff top and out of those shorts, says Lauren. They're a little worse for wear after your adventure.

Sweezus grabs his friend's third best surfboard, and picks up the Catcher.

Ageless trundles up the ramp behind them, seeing little, smelling nothing.

Surfing-With-Whales is waiting at the top.

Still a few whales out there, says Surfing-With-Whales. That means I can't take another group out.

Let's all go to Cafe Bombora, says Lauren. We can have something to eat, and Friedrich can get his strength back.

Nietzsche looks down at his wet borrowed board shorts. He feels he is getting a rash.

Lauren remembers.

Oh yes, Bob, and your new shorts have got a bit ruined, says Lauren. But I'll wash them. They'll be just like new.

Don't bother, mum, says Surfing-With-Whales. I never liked them anyway.

Nonsense Bob! You know you LOVED them! says his mother.

But Surfing-With-Whales has already headed off towards Cafe Bombora. And buggered if he's going to sit anywhere near MUM and that tosser Nietzsche.

.....

Nietzsche has changed back into his chinos (behind a convenient towel).

He enters Cafe Bombora, with Lauren.

Surfing-With-Whales is at a table in the corner, with some potential group members.

Sweezus is at another table with Ageless, and the Catcher.

Lauren and Nietzsche join Sweezus, and see for the first time the damage the battle has caused.

They ARE in the wars, says Lauren. The Blue Swimmer crab's lost a leg. Will he grow another one?

The Catcher does not like being talked about in the third person.

None of your business, says the Catcher.

What do I smell? says Ageless.

The Legendary Big Bombora Beef Burger, says Sweezus, whose order has arrived. Woo! How awesome is it?

Actually, says Ageless, my smelling organ is damaged. I can't smell a thing.

I would rather have a leg than a smelling organ, says the Catcher.

Interesting, says Lauren. I think I would say the same. What about you, Friedrich?

Leg, says Nietzsche.

I can't SEE very well either, says Ageless. At least HE will grow another. I may be permanently blind. I shall never more set eyes on my beloved......

One eye, says the Catcher. Never more set ONE eye on your beloved.

Lauren thinks it's high time to change the subject.

What are you having, Friedrich? I'm having the Fishburger.

Nietzsche decides to try the Fishburger as well. It is described as the Tastiest Fishburger on the Coast.

Let's see then.

They wait for the Fishburgers. The conversation switches to whales.

That one that breached earlier, says Lauren, I'm pretty sure it was a Sperm Whale. It had the white patches.

It was, says the Catcher. I caught it. I should know.

Sperm Whale? says Nietzsche, shifting uncomfortably, but remembering he is back in his chinos.. You caught one?

Oh yes, says the Catcher. I can catch anything. My next assignment is catching a frog for Gaius. A Bauble.

A Baw Baw, says Sweezus.

Thank you says the Catcher. Of course, it will be much harder to catch a Baw Baw with only one swimming leg.....

Luckily, this is the moment the Tastiest Fishburgers arrive, and the conversation ceases.

It Works On A Spiritual Level

Surfing-With-Whales has been scanning the ocean for signs of a second whale breaching.

But Lauren has kept her binoculars focussed on Nietzsche.

He has caught a large wave. He is upright. Moving forward. What a hero. He disappears momentarily inside the massive wave tunnel.

( It's a rare wave for Goolwa).

Weeeooow! The surfboard leaps out of the tunnel, spins in the air, and drops into the spume.

Where is Nietzsche!

There he is, struggling in the water. The wave has passed on.

Nietzsche stops struggling.

Is he dead?

No. He bobs up and down for several seconds, inanimately. Then, wonder of wonders, he begins to float gently shorewards as one who is favoured by sea nymphs.

A sobering sight.

Lauren elbows her son, whose eye is fixed on the horizon, seeing nothing.

What? says Surfing-With-Whales.

Get down there, says Lauren.

But Sweezus is down there already.

He pulls Nietzsche out of the water.

Nietzsche coughs. He doesn't look well.

Woah man! Thought you were a goner! says Sweezus.

The surfboard floats in. Ageless lobster and the Catcher cling to it.

They stagger ashore. Which is particularly hard for the Catcher.

Sweezus shakes his head.

What a total, total fuckup.

How's he supposed to ask Nietzsche for anything now?

Lauren hurries over.

Oh Friedrich! Are you all RIGHT?

Nietzsche stares at her blankly.

Concussion, says Lauren. Don't worry, I know what to do.

She performs several mysterious Level Two hand movements over Nietzsche.

She isn't supposed to touch him. There is absolutely no need. Reiki works on a spiritual level.

But there is a little frond of seaweed on his shorts.

Her hand brushes over the seaweed. It appears to be stuck there. She rubs harder. It comes off eventually.

Ach! Nietzsche sits up, very quickly.

You Are Better ThanThat

Ageless lobster is strong, but the Catcher is younger.

Locked in a murderous embrace they drift slowly upwards.

( Like Sherlock Holmes and Moriarty, falling down Reichenbach Falls, but in the opposite direction)

They break the surface just as Nietzsche surmounts the last breaker.

He spies the two enemies fighting.

Stop! cries Nietzsche. You are better than that!

Nietzsche is proud of this sentence.  He has used it a lot, although generally with little effect.

Ptich! spits the Catcher, ripping at Ageless. I may be better than that, but he isn't!

This is what quite often happens.

Ageless takes advantage of the Catcher's momentary lapse of attention.

He reaches behind the Catcher and snaps off his swimming leg.

Yeow! cries the Catcher.

The Catcher pokes Ageless wildly in the rostrum. Then yanks his antennule.

Pax! cries Ageless. Pax, Portunus! I am blinded and smell-impaired now!

Foolishly, the Catcher stops pulling. Ageless lunges forward and bites off his testes.

Nietzsche is close now. One hand could stop this. But he will try words one more time.

Go apart, and seek solitude my brothers, says Nietzsche.

Wunderbar! Ageless and the Catcher drift apart.

Thank you, says the Catcher.

Thank you, says Ageless.

It was nothing, says Nietzsche.

It WAS nothing.

They were not thanking him, but each other.

Would you like a lift back to shore on my surfboard? asks Nietzsche.

Yes, they would, please.

He lifts them up.

Ageless, with his injured rostrum and antennule. The Catcher, with only one swimming leg, and no testes.

Nietzsche starts paddling. He looks up towards the cliff where Lauren and the others are watching.

How fine it would be if, instead of paddling, he caught a big wave in.

He stops and looks behind him. Yes, a big wave is coming.

Don't do it! advises Ageless.

Yes, don't do it, says the Catcher. I wouldn't.

I intend to try, says Nietzsche. Nothing ventured.....

The wave is very close now. Nietzsche stands.

Wobbles.

Surges forward.

..........

See that ! says Lauren.

What? I didn't see anything, says Surfing-With-Whales.

Red Sparks Of Vengeance

As the humans head for the shore, the second whale breaches, performs a neat body roll and disappears under the water.

He sinks down... down.... down..... to the spot where the Humpback is facing the Catcher.

Oowaoohh! moans the second whale.

The Humpback turns slowly. Owh! Hoo?

Catcher notices that the second whale is different.

The second whale is a Sperm Whale. Black to brownish grey with white patches on the mouth and the belly. A huge square head, and skin that is heavily wrinkled.

Is this usual? asks the Catcher.

Is what usual? asks the Humpback.

Inter-whale communication, says the Catcher.

He hasn't said anything, says the Humpback.

He said Oowaoohh, says the Catcher.

Oowaoohh! says the Sperm.

This is exceedingly vexing, for the Humpback.  He can't understand what the Sperm Whale is saying. But the Sperm Whale has understood the Catcher.

.......

Surfing-With-Whales and Sweezus have just reached the shallows, when Sweezus says:

Shit!

What? asks Surfing-With-Whales.

Ageless! says Sweezus. He was with me. Now he isn't.

I wouldn't worry, says Surfing-With-Whales. No great loss, dude.

This is one way of looking at it.

Sweezus examines it from an ethical standpoint.

Yeah. Surfing-With-Whales might be right.

But Nietzsche, who has surfed in on a wave (how clever!) close behind them, has been thinking:

( mainly about how this all might be appearing to Lauren):

Yes, she will have seen him surf in on a wave ( how quickly he learns things!), but he has come in empty handed. He had paddled out to rescue the Catcher. And what had prevented him? A man-made RULE about not getting too near the whales.

Nietzsche turns and paddles out again. Thus decides Zarathustra.

.........

Ageless has slipped off Sweezus's surfboard not far from the whales and the Catcher.

He has sunk down...down...down.

He is planning to watch the demise of the Catcher.

He spots the two whales.

And the Catcher, gesticulating.

The conversation goes on for a long time.

Finally the Catcher nods at the Sperm Whale, who dives down to the seabed.

Then he waves ( which is easier ) at the Humpback, who slowly surfaces, and performs a tail lob, a pec slap, two blows and a body roll. Bravo!

It seems the whale confrontation is over.

Ageless undulates across to the Catcher.

You lost them both, says Ageless. Too bad.

On the contrary, says the Catcher. They belong to me now. And I have temporarily released them.

Devil take the Catcher! Making up his own facts! Ageless's eyes emit red sparks of vengeance.

He advances on the Catcher, claws at the ready........