On Lobsters By Pliny and Me

First I'm going to write about the Aging of the Lobster:

They say the lobster shows no sign of aging. It just grows bigger and bigger. It doesn't become weaker and it never becomes infertile. Some people think there must be huge old 400 pound lobsters living at the bottom of the sea. Lobsters have to die of something. What they die of usually is being eaten. The bigger they are the more likely something will spot them and try to make them lunch. And this is called the balance of nature. Even a lobster contains the seeds of its own destruction.



Now Pliny the Elder will write about the Size, Uses and Transformations of the Lobster;

The lobster is a type of crab. Lobsters in the Indian Ocean grow up to six feet long. All fish in the Indian Ocean grow large because of the richness of the water. Whales attain a size of three acres in area, and sharks are often seen to be one hundred and fifty feet long. Eating lobster is a cure for snake bite. When crabs die in the drought-ridden sign of Cancer they are transformed into scorpions.


Next I shall write Some Interesting Facts About Lobsters:

The lobster eats up to one hundred types of animal, and even eats its own new-moulted shell. In captivity a lobster will eat another lobster, if the other lobster doesn't eat it first. A lobster will bury its food and eat it over several days. The lobster uses teeth located in its stomach. If attacked a lobster will shed its appendages and regenerate them later.


Finally Pliny the Elder will address the Decay of Morality Caused by the Produce of the Sea :

But why am I wasting my time on these trivia when Shellfish are the prime cause of the decay of morals and the adoption of an extravagant lifestyle? Indeed in all of Nature the sea is in many ways the most harmful to the stomach with its great variety of dishes and tasty fish! And even this pales into insignificance when we consider purple-fish and purple robes and pearls! As if it were not enough for the produce of the sea to be stuffed down our throats......


Unfortunately I must now cut Pliny off.

Without Eating

But soon enough, Iris Murdoch's article arrived, and Belle et Bonne was obliged to show it to the others.

She handed each of them a copy, and they began reading silently.

After a few minutes, The VeloDrone broke the silence.

This was written by the Judi Dench one, wasn't it? he said.

Yes, said Belle et Bonne gloomily. But it's not that bad is it?

No, it's quite good, in parts, said The VeloDrone. What do you think, David?

I don't like this bit, said Le Bon David, and he read aloud: Philosophy! Empty thinking by ignorant conceited men who think they can digest without eating! What is she getting at?

She means male philosophers spend too much of their time going over the same old questions, and forget to enjoy life, said Madam Denis.

Oh does she? said Le Bon David huffily, and he continued reading:

As a young, Kate Winslet sort of woman, I used to write a great deal about good and evil, virtue and morality, and how we should strive to make ourselves better by paying more attention to one another. Oh, I wrote such wonderful things. I wrote novels, too, and my characters embodied my ideas. At this time also, I used to get about on a bicycle. I went on a bicycling holiday in France once, I recall, with a young man, a very young man, so young in fact that for the sake of respectability I was obliged to pretend to be his mother.....

Those were good times. Unfortunately later he found out that I used to work for the SS as a prison guard, and also that I was unable to read.......

Now that I am an older Judi Dench sort of woman, I spend my time trying to weasel my way into the lives of attractive but flawed young women like ..... well, like Kate Winslet, and bind them to me by means of blackmail. But when I am not doing this, I like to get about on a bicycle. Nothing is more conducive to the clarification of rational thought than to ride through the countryside on a beautiful summer's afternoon in a cotton print full-skirted dress, with a basket on the front. Of the bicycle, I mean. The basket being in case I feel inspired to go shopping.

Well, said the VeloDrone. It has a certain charm, but I can't help thinking she's having some sort of identity crisis.

Nonsense! said Madam Denis. It's brilliant! Well done, Iris! And well done, Belle et Bonne!

Good Thoughts

What constitutes a Good Thought, Zoroaster ? Good Words and Good Deeds are easy to define. But a Good Thought is a less obvious thing.

Having examined most of my thoughts from yesterday and today, I have to conclude that most of mine are neither Good nor Bad. Here are some random examples. " This is the first time I have ever seen a peanut butter making machine" ; " I am not going to eat this Dragonboat Dumpling"; "I'll just knit one more stripe".

But, determined to discover a Good one, I thought back to the very first thought I had on waking, which I concluded was Good on every level.

I had been dreaming text. I remembered that the last words I dreamed were: THE MOTHER'S LEGS HELPED BY ANOTHER'S FEET. This is, when you examine it, an amazing thought. Why I dreamed it I have no idea. This gives the thought the first attribute of Goodness, which is Inexplicability.

The second attribute of Goodness is Morality. This thought is about helping someone. No one would dispute that this is a Good Thing.

The third attribute of Goodness is Ambiguity. Is someone helping their mother by running an errand for her? Is mother having someone else's feet transplanted onto her legs?

The fourth attribute of Goodness is Internal Rhyming. one cannot help but notice that Mother rhymes with another. This gives a pleasing sound to the thought.

The fifth attribute of Goodness is Unusual Focus. This thought captures our imagination by keeping all the action below waist level, but not of course in a crude way.

The sixth attribute of Goodness is perhaps the most debatable. The attribute of Not Really Being a Proper Sentence. Personally, I like that in an attribute.