Two and a Half Stars

It's your turn tonight, said the VeloDrone, bunny-hopping to a stop in front of his friend.

My turn for what? asked Le Bon David.

To go to a show and write the review, said the VeloDrone, grinning.

Why are you grinning like that? said Le Bon David sharply.

Because I'm glad that it's you and not me.

What is it? asked Le Bon David, shuffling through his handful of free tickets. Aha. "I've Been Watching You Australians - But Not in a Creepy Way." Good gracious! How will I know if it's funny?

You'll just have to watch the audience, David, but not in a creepy way.

Oh, it'll be fine, said Le Bon David. I can write a review with my eyes shut. Have you seen this review of our show, by the way?

He waved a newspaper in front of The VeloDrone's face. The VeloDrone grabbed it and began to read:

This somewhat eclectic show, performed by two of the most famous philosophers of the Enlightenment, seems to have been put together in a hurry. They attempt some very difficult tricks on their bicycles and occasionally topple over. This is a mixed blessing for the audience, who have as much trouble keeping up with the philosophical patter as they have keeping up with the bicycles. The impressions are the highlight of the show. David Hume's portly frame makes him an ideal Lou Costello and and even more believable Oliver Hardy. Voltaire needs to work harder on his Bud Abbott and Stan Laurel to overcome the fact that he looks nothing like either of them. Two and a half stars.

Two and a half stars! spluttered The VeloDrone. Outrageous! And they liked you better than me, simply because you are fat!

Steady on, my friend! said Le Bon David. They didn't like either of us very much. It seems we need to work harder on our act.

True, agreed The VeloDrone. We are philosophers, after all. We should take this with our usual equanimity. We must practice harder. I shall buy myself a Stan Laurel hat in order to look more like him.

Well said, smiled Le Bon David. And I shall earn us the money for the hat by writing the next review.

Wheels of Enlightenment

Le Bon David and The VeloDrone are pleased with the way their act is shaping up. The only problem is their allotted tent is very small. They approach the Manager of The Garden Of Unearthly Delights.

Le Bon David: It's fine for the stand-up. But there's no way it's going to accommodate our bicycle tricks.

The VeloDrone: Yes, we need a bigger tent.

The Manager: Sorry boys. But you were lucky to get any tent at all. And we didn't know about the bicycle tricks, we thought you were stand-up philosophers. What sort of bicycle tricks do you do?

Le Bon David: Oh you know, the usual ones, Slides, Wheelies, Bunnyhops, Endos, Trackstands, Curb-hops.........with a philosophical twist.

The Manager: Well, I can only suggest that you go outside the tent and start busking in the East End.

The VeloDrone: Us, busking! Do you know who we are?

The Manager: Yes, yes, David Hume and Voltaire, it says here. Enlightenment philosophers. Nothing about bicycles. See?

The VeloDrone: We are the editors of the online magazine Velosophy.

The Manager: Oh? You guys can write then? Would you like to earn a bit of extra money?

The VeloDrone: No.

Le Bon David: Yes. Since we seem to be losing our free tent.

The VeloDrone: Alright then, yes. What do we have to do?

The Manager: Just write a few Fringe reviews for us. Here's a few free tickets to a bunch of shows.

Le Bon David and The VeloDrone: ( in unison) Thanks!

Pliny's Banana Points

I have written my review, announced Pliny the Elder. Would you like to see it?

Yes, I would, I said.

He handed me a scrap of paper, on which was written the following:

Pliny's Women is a most excellent work of research, and for a women to have written it is a great achievement. Pliny the Younger emerges from the pages as a most admirable example of a good public servant. He is intelligent and witty, and politically astute. He is easy with his friends and kind to his female relatives and slaves. He is a man who, rather like myself, is never without his books and notebooks. He does however seem a lot more interested in dining, entertaining, writing poetry and retreating to his country house than I was. If I were to admit to any disappointment in reading this book it would relate to the matter of tone. I cannot help detecting a certain note of amusement in the author as she describes some of my nephew's characteristics. I must say that what may seem to her to be bumptiousness and lack of literary talent are a matter of opinion and the current fashion. If I may end upon a lighter note, and still on the subject of tone, I think that the choice of pink for the cover of the book was most unwise.

Wow, Pliny, I said, That's good! And funny too.

Funny? he said. What do you mean?

The bit at the end about the pink cover, and the joke about the tone, that's funny.

Oh, he said, looking pleased. Thankyou. Do you think it will earn me the 774 points?

No, I said.

Why not?

Because, I guess you didn't notice, but you've already earned 774 points when you purchased the book. It was printed on the invoice. If you write a review, you earn a further 50 points.

Great Jupiter! said Pliny. If I'd known that, I wouldn't have bothered writing it.

Six Parts

I didn't find time to sit down and review my life yesterday, until bedtime, and by then I was of course lying.

In bed I realised how hard it was going to be.

I thought of many beginnings. Just before I went to sleep I came to a decision.

It was that I was a bit delirious and needed to go to sleep.

But I had at least come up with a plan. It was, to divide my review into six parts, the first of these to be named The Pepys, after the great diarist Samuel Pepys.

That will be an easy way into it, because I do a Pepysian every year. It largely consists of recording the members of my current household, the amount of money in my purse, and what new things I have learned to do during the past year.

It's good, it doesn't take long, and you can cheat about the money.

Hot Laksa Soup

I liked The VeloDrone, said Pliny this morning. And now I know why we cohabit with a bicycle.

Oh, had you been wondering? I asked.

On and off, said Pliny. And how are you this morning? Last night you looked a little worse for wear.

I'm alright. We went to meet my sister at the airport, and then went to a noisy restaurant to eat. I was speaking more loudly than normal and eating a hot laksa soup. Whereas now I know I should have kept my mouth shut and had the non-spicy wok-tossed noodles.

How would you have eaten them with your mouth shut?

It's perfectly possible to eat noodles with your mouth shut. But you know what I mean. Anyway I was fine till I got home and then my flu caught up with me and I got the shakes. It was horrible. I thought I was getting pneumonia.

Oh dear. And your other sister is arriving today from Coffin Bay, isn't she?

Yes, but I'm okay again now. And she's promised to bring us some oysters.

Delightful! Are you eating at home tonight?

Yes. And tomorrow we're all going to the Greek on Halifax for my birthday dinner.

Yes, your famous birthday. How old are you going to be?

I don't know. First I need to sit down and review my life. But I don't know when I'll find the time to do it.