Beyoncé is writing her list of philosophical ideas.
Life is like a shopping list, she writes. This is a philosophical idea that came to her quite suddenly in bed the night before.
Only connect, she writes. This is her favourite quote from E M Forster.
Damn, she says looking at her watch. What time is it? I'm late for yoga.
She reviews her list.
She remembers that there needs to be something about cycling.
Cycling, she writes. The word looks funny. Where is Jay-Z when you need him?
Cycling is good, recycling's better, writes Beyoncé. There. That'll have to do.
She presses SEND.
............
Bunny shows Beyoncé's list to Sweezus.
See how you go with that, says Bunny. And remember, no paragraphs. And that you're Richard the Third.
Sweezus peers at the list.
Life is like a shopping list, he reads.
Fuck, what does Beyoncé mean? He has no idea.
A shopping list. A list of things you need. Okay, thinks Sweezus. That must be what she means.
He is just about to write that down when he remembers. It doesn't matter what he thinks Beyoncé means. What matters is what Richard the Third would think she means.
Instead of being fazed, he tries to think himself inside the head of Richard.
It's a technique Sweezus has learned from his creative writing course.
Richard the Third lived in a time pre-dating shopping lists. That's a fact. But he has spent the last five hundred years buried under a car park. He must have seen a few.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Beyoncé's Ghost
Beyoncé is excited. She shows the email to her husband.
Look at this, Jay-Z, says Beyoncé. They've invited me to write an article for Velosophy.
Woah, Bee! says Jay-Z. You have reached the pinnacle of fame! What is Velosophy? I never even heard of it.
Sure you have, says Beyoncé. Have you heard of Voltaire? Have you heard of David Hume? Have you heard of Camus, Wittgenstein, Murdoch? Have you heard of the philosophy of bicycles?
Slow down, says Jay-Z. I'm with you now. So you have to write something bicyclo-philo-sophical! That's cool.
Think I'll say yes, says Beyoncé. It's an honour.
Sure, says Jay-Z. And Blue Ivy will be so proud of her mommy. Won't you little girl?
He jiggles little Blue Ivy on his knee, then lifts her up to kiss her on the nose.
Blue Ivy giggles at her dad, and burps creamily.
Ooh, says Jay-Z, wiping her mouth with his sleeve.
I'm awfully busy, says Beyoncé. With tours and exercise and things. And all my philanthropical work. And baby too. How will I find the time to write it?
Get it ghosted, Bee, says Jay-Z. Send them a short list of ideas, and they can write it up.
I love you honey, says Beyoncé. That's exactly what I'll do.
..........
Now Bunny is excited. Beyoncé has replied almost immediately.
Beyoncé's saying yes! says Bunny.
Awesome, says Sweezus.
But she's awfully busy, says Bunny.
She would be, says Sweezus.
She's sending us a list of ideas and she wants us to ghost the article, says Buuny.
Shit, says Sweezus. Vello won't like that.
We don't have to tell Mr Drone, says Bunny. Who can we get to ghost it?
Richard the Third, says Sweezus.
How? asks Bunny.
It was a joke, says Sweezus. Richard the Third is dead.
Yes, says Bunny. That's why you're going to have to write his piece for him.
Sweezus thinks about this, and how it would be creative, and therefore good for his career.
Okay, says Sweezus, I will. But we still have the problem of Beyoncé.
Problem solved, says Bunny. 'Richard the Third' can do Beyoncé's too. You being Richard the Third.
Sweezus is so impressed with the triple irony of this idea, he fails to realise that he'll be doing all the writing.
Look at this, Jay-Z, says Beyoncé. They've invited me to write an article for Velosophy.
Woah, Bee! says Jay-Z. You have reached the pinnacle of fame! What is Velosophy? I never even heard of it.
Sure you have, says Beyoncé. Have you heard of Voltaire? Have you heard of David Hume? Have you heard of Camus, Wittgenstein, Murdoch? Have you heard of the philosophy of bicycles?
Slow down, says Jay-Z. I'm with you now. So you have to write something bicyclo-philo-sophical! That's cool.
Think I'll say yes, says Beyoncé. It's an honour.
Sure, says Jay-Z. And Blue Ivy will be so proud of her mommy. Won't you little girl?
He jiggles little Blue Ivy on his knee, then lifts her up to kiss her on the nose.
Blue Ivy giggles at her dad, and burps creamily.
Ooh, says Jay-Z, wiping her mouth with his sleeve.
I'm awfully busy, says Beyoncé. With tours and exercise and things. And all my philanthropical work. And baby too. How will I find the time to write it?
Get it ghosted, Bee, says Jay-Z. Send them a short list of ideas, and they can write it up.
I love you honey, says Beyoncé. That's exactly what I'll do.
..........
Now Bunny is excited. Beyoncé has replied almost immediately.
Beyoncé's saying yes! says Bunny.
Awesome, says Sweezus.
But she's awfully busy, says Bunny.
She would be, says Sweezus.
She's sending us a list of ideas and she wants us to ghost the article, says Buuny.
Shit, says Sweezus. Vello won't like that.
We don't have to tell Mr Drone, says Bunny. Who can we get to ghost it?
Richard the Third, says Sweezus.
How? asks Bunny.
It was a joke, says Sweezus. Richard the Third is dead.
Yes, says Bunny. That's why you're going to have to write his piece for him.
Sweezus thinks about this, and how it would be creative, and therefore good for his career.
Okay, says Sweezus, I will. But we still have the problem of Beyoncé.
Problem solved, says Bunny. 'Richard the Third' can do Beyoncé's too. You being Richard the Third.
Sweezus is so impressed with the triple irony of this idea, he fails to realise that he'll be doing all the writing.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
You Only Live Once
Beyoncé? says The VeloDrone. Do we know Beyoncé?
No, says David. I don't think we do.
You two! says Mrs Hume, who has been sitting in the corner with her feet up.You never do keep up. Beyoncé is a singer. She sang at half time at the Superbowl last week. She's very famous. I'm sure she has an interesting philosophy.
A singer! says The VeloDrone. Well, well! And you think she'll have an interesting philosophy?
There you go again! says Bunny. Being sarcastic. If you weren't such an old stick in the mud you'd know that EVERYONE has an interesting philosophy.
Of course they do, says The VeloDrone. We do not differ, Bunny. And what is your philosophy?
YOLO, says Bunny.
The VeloDrone is stumped. He has not heard of YOLO.
YOLO? says The VeloDrone, turning to David.
David shrugs. He doesn't know.
Sweezus looks at the ceiling. He doesn't go along with YOLO.
Tch! says Mrs Hume. If you two would only read the newspaper!
We do not need the newspaper, mother, says David. The internet is perfectly adequate.
No, no, says Mrs Hume. In the newspaper you occasionally find lists of the latest expressions of young people. It's not something you would think to look up on the internet.
It's not a latest expression, says Bunny. It's been around for EVER. Anyway, I'm about to write an email to Beyoncé. Do I have your permission, Mr Drone?
Certainly, says The VeloDrone, recovering his authority. Make sure she understands it is an honour.
Bunny begins to type.
Belle et Bonne comes back into the office with a plate of biscuits.
How's the brainstorming going? asks Belle et Bonne.
Very well, says The VeloDrone. We're thinking of Beyoncé.
Good choice, says Belle et Bonne. Beyoncé is .......
Hot! says Sweezus.
I bet Beyoncé was your idea, says Belle et Bonne to Sweezus.
No she wasn't, says Sweezus. She was Bunny's excellent idea.
Bunny looks pleased.
What's your idea? asks Bunny. Have you got one?
Richard the Third, says Sweezus. They dug him up last week.
Very funny, says The Velodrone. I don't think he qualifies as a philosopher.
Probably didn't even ride a bike, says David.
And he's dead, says Bunny. Sweezus, that's a brilliant idea!
No, says David. I don't think we do.
You two! says Mrs Hume, who has been sitting in the corner with her feet up.You never do keep up. Beyoncé is a singer. She sang at half time at the Superbowl last week. She's very famous. I'm sure she has an interesting philosophy.
A singer! says The VeloDrone. Well, well! And you think she'll have an interesting philosophy?
There you go again! says Bunny. Being sarcastic. If you weren't such an old stick in the mud you'd know that EVERYONE has an interesting philosophy.
Of course they do, says The VeloDrone. We do not differ, Bunny. And what is your philosophy?
YOLO, says Bunny.
The VeloDrone is stumped. He has not heard of YOLO.
YOLO? says The VeloDrone, turning to David.
David shrugs. He doesn't know.
Sweezus looks at the ceiling. He doesn't go along with YOLO.
Tch! says Mrs Hume. If you two would only read the newspaper!
We do not need the newspaper, mother, says David. The internet is perfectly adequate.
No, no, says Mrs Hume. In the newspaper you occasionally find lists of the latest expressions of young people. It's not something you would think to look up on the internet.
It's not a latest expression, says Bunny. It's been around for EVER. Anyway, I'm about to write an email to Beyoncé. Do I have your permission, Mr Drone?
Certainly, says The VeloDrone, recovering his authority. Make sure she understands it is an honour.
Bunny begins to type.
Belle et Bonne comes back into the office with a plate of biscuits.
How's the brainstorming going? asks Belle et Bonne.
Very well, says The VeloDrone. We're thinking of Beyoncé.
Good choice, says Belle et Bonne. Beyoncé is .......
Hot! says Sweezus.
I bet Beyoncé was your idea, says Belle et Bonne to Sweezus.
No she wasn't, says Sweezus. She was Bunny's excellent idea.
Bunny looks pleased.
What's your idea? asks Bunny. Have you got one?
Richard the Third, says Sweezus. They dug him up last week.
Very funny, says The Velodrone. I don't think he qualifies as a philosopher.
Probably didn't even ride a bike, says David.
And he's dead, says Bunny. Sweezus, that's a brilliant idea!
Monday, February 4, 2013
What's Wrong With Old People
I'm good with a camera, says Arthur.
Brilliant! says Midge. So here's my camera. Take care of it. Get used to it. Take as many shots as you like, whatever appeals to you. And then come back and show me what you've got.
Arthur sets off with the camera. He wonders what it's worth.
Midge drops everyone else at the Velosophy office, then drives off to return Surf Fink to Wicked Campers.
Papa! David! says Belle et Bonne, entering the office. Guess what? I've found replacements for Marie and me.
Oh good, says The VeloDrone. Who?
Sweezus and Bunny, says Belle et Bonne. They'll be great. They already have some new ideas.
The Velodrone looks doubtfully at David.
Good! Let's hear these new ideas, says David.
Yes, says The VeloDrone. Let's hear 'em. Sweezus you go first.
Not me, says Sweezus. Bunny.
Yes me, says Bunny. So, Mr Drone, your magazine is about bicycles and philosophy right?
Right, says The VeloDrone. Absolutely right. Spot on.
That's exactly what's wrong with you old people, says Bunny.
Pardon? says The VeloDrone.
Always sarcastic, says Bunny. Young people don't like that kind of stuff.
Just how was I sarcastic? asks The VeloDrone.
You said Right! Absolutely right! Spot on! says Bunny. You didn't have to say it three times. God, I bet your magazine is full of.....paragraphs!
Paragraphs! says The VeloDrone. Of course it is!
We won't be doing paragraphs, says Bunny.
Right on! says Sweezus. No paragraphs! He likes this creative new idea.
And, says Bunny, I bet your magazine is full of articles by boring old philosophers, like ....oh I don't know, Socrates and Aristotle.
We wish! says David. But actually my dear, our contributors are not boring. We have had articles by Wittgenstein, Iris Murdoch, Camus.....
Camus! cries The VeloDrone. That reminds me! Did he ever send his article in?
Not yet, says Belle et Bonne. Perhaps you ought to ring him.
Who does he think he is? says The VeloDrone. Proust?
David is the only one who thinks that's funny.
Well, forget about Camus, says Bunny. I'm going to ask Beyoncé. She so cool. She's got the best philosophy ever and she rides a bike.
She does? says Sweezus. Yeah, I bet she does.
Probably, says Bunny. That's how she keeps so fit. If she writes something everyone will read it. What do you think of that idea, Mr Drone?
Brilliant! says Midge. So here's my camera. Take care of it. Get used to it. Take as many shots as you like, whatever appeals to you. And then come back and show me what you've got.
Arthur sets off with the camera. He wonders what it's worth.
Midge drops everyone else at the Velosophy office, then drives off to return Surf Fink to Wicked Campers.
Papa! David! says Belle et Bonne, entering the office. Guess what? I've found replacements for Marie and me.
Oh good, says The VeloDrone. Who?
Sweezus and Bunny, says Belle et Bonne. They'll be great. They already have some new ideas.
The Velodrone looks doubtfully at David.
Good! Let's hear these new ideas, says David.
Yes, says The VeloDrone. Let's hear 'em. Sweezus you go first.
Not me, says Sweezus. Bunny.
Yes me, says Bunny. So, Mr Drone, your magazine is about bicycles and philosophy right?
Right, says The VeloDrone. Absolutely right. Spot on.
That's exactly what's wrong with you old people, says Bunny.
Pardon? says The VeloDrone.
Always sarcastic, says Bunny. Young people don't like that kind of stuff.
Just how was I sarcastic? asks The VeloDrone.
You said Right! Absolutely right! Spot on! says Bunny. You didn't have to say it three times. God, I bet your magazine is full of.....paragraphs!
Paragraphs! says The VeloDrone. Of course it is!
We won't be doing paragraphs, says Bunny.
Right on! says Sweezus. No paragraphs! He likes this creative new idea.
And, says Bunny, I bet your magazine is full of articles by boring old philosophers, like ....oh I don't know, Socrates and Aristotle.
We wish! says David. But actually my dear, our contributors are not boring. We have had articles by Wittgenstein, Iris Murdoch, Camus.....
Camus! cries The VeloDrone. That reminds me! Did he ever send his article in?
Not yet, says Belle et Bonne. Perhaps you ought to ring him.
Who does he think he is? says The VeloDrone. Proust?
David is the only one who thinks that's funny.
Well, forget about Camus, says Bunny. I'm going to ask Beyoncé. She so cool. She's got the best philosophy ever and she rides a bike.
She does? says Sweezus. Yeah, I bet she does.
Probably, says Bunny. That's how she keeps so fit. If she writes something everyone will read it. What do you think of that idea, Mr Drone?
Sunday, February 3, 2013
The Second Goodbye
They drop Tom-Jelte at the airport.
Now that he's gone, says Belle et Bonne, I want a word with you, Sweezie.
If it's about the money I took from the collection box, says Sweezus, I only...
It wasn't, says Belle et Bonne, but it is now! You took money from the collection box! How could you? Did Arthur put you up to it?
She glares at Arthur.
Not Arthur! says Mrs Hume. Arthur was feeling poorly. He was outside the tent, being sick.
Belle et Bonne is convinced Arthur had something to do with it. Sweezus is easily led.
What did you want a word about then? asks Sweezus.
About Bunny, says Belle, and what she can do.
Me? says Bunny. About what I can do?
If you're going to live in Adelaide, says Belle et Bonne, you'll need somewhere to live, and some means of support.
Can't I live with you? says Bunny.
That's the thing, says Belle et Bonne. Marie and I are going to Paris for a holiday.
Another holiday, says Sweezus. You girls.
At least we work for our money, says Belle et Bonne.
Sweezus looks crushed.
While we're away papa and David will need someone to work in the office. How would you both like a temporary job? And Bunny could live in our flat.
Oh wow! I'd love that, says Bunny. What do you do?
We edit an online magazine called Velosophy, says Belle et Bonne. Famous people write articles on philosophy and cycling and we publish the best ones. Marie and I, we do the selections. Papa and David are always too....er....
Professionally jealous, says Mrs Hume.
Oh Katherine, don't let them hear you say that, says Belle et Bonne. What do you say Sweezie dear? You can earn some money and it's sort of like creative writing.
Awesome, says Sweezus, with little enthusiasm.
What'll I do? says Arthur, who is feeling left out.
Are you reliable? asks Midge.
Arthur is always reliable, says Mrs Hume.
Then I'll give you a job, says Midge. How are you with a camera?
Now that he's gone, says Belle et Bonne, I want a word with you, Sweezie.
If it's about the money I took from the collection box, says Sweezus, I only...
It wasn't, says Belle et Bonne, but it is now! You took money from the collection box! How could you? Did Arthur put you up to it?
She glares at Arthur.
Not Arthur! says Mrs Hume. Arthur was feeling poorly. He was outside the tent, being sick.
Belle et Bonne is convinced Arthur had something to do with it. Sweezus is easily led.
What did you want a word about then? asks Sweezus.
About Bunny, says Belle, and what she can do.
Me? says Bunny. About what I can do?
If you're going to live in Adelaide, says Belle et Bonne, you'll need somewhere to live, and some means of support.
Can't I live with you? says Bunny.
That's the thing, says Belle et Bonne. Marie and I are going to Paris for a holiday.
Another holiday, says Sweezus. You girls.
At least we work for our money, says Belle et Bonne.
Sweezus looks crushed.
While we're away papa and David will need someone to work in the office. How would you both like a temporary job? And Bunny could live in our flat.
Oh wow! I'd love that, says Bunny. What do you do?
We edit an online magazine called Velosophy, says Belle et Bonne. Famous people write articles on philosophy and cycling and we publish the best ones. Marie and I, we do the selections. Papa and David are always too....er....
Professionally jealous, says Mrs Hume.
Oh Katherine, don't let them hear you say that, says Belle et Bonne. What do you say Sweezie dear? You can earn some money and it's sort of like creative writing.
Awesome, says Sweezus, with little enthusiasm.
What'll I do? says Arthur, who is feeling left out.
Are you reliable? asks Midge.
Arthur is always reliable, says Mrs Hume.
Then I'll give you a job, says Midge. How are you with a camera?
Saturday, February 2, 2013
The First Goodbye.
Belle et Bonne and Midge pull up in Surf Fink, just as Bunny is escaping through the bedroom window.
Bunny! calls Belle et Bonne. Where are you going?
I'm running away from dad, says Bunny. He wants to lock me up.
Outrageous! says Midge.
We'll see about that, says Belle et Bonne. Don't run away. Come back inside with us.
They knock on the front door.
Tom-Jelte opens it. He is surprised to see Bunny.
Hello! says Tom-Jelte. I think you have a twin! She is in the bedroom.
No that's me, says Bunny. I climbed out of the window.
That is funny, says Tom-Jelte. And now you come in the front door.
Yes, yes, says Midge. Can we please come in?
Yah! Come in ladies, says Tom-Jelte. The father is having a fit.
Poor dad, says Bunny. She goes into the kitchen, followed by Midge, Belle and Tom.
Lauren and Surfing-With-Whales are plying Ray Moon with water and pills.
Mrs Hume and Arthur are eating the last of the scones.
Sweezus has gone to the bathroom.
Dad, says Bunny. Are you ill?
Bunny, says Ray Moon faintly. You haven't run away?
I have, says Bunny. I just haven't gone yet.
What's this about locking her up? says Belle et Bonne.
Ray Moon hiccups and falls back in a swoon.
He's dead, says Arthur.
No he isn't, says Surfing-With-Whales. But he'll be out for some time.
Bunny looks peeved. What did you give him? she asks.
Something of mum's, says Surfing-With-Whales.
Right, says Sweezus, coming out of the bathroom. Is everyone ready to leave?
We can't leave, says Belle et Bonne. Look at Ray.
He can stay here till he wakes up, says Lauren. Bob and I will look after him. You can go.
What about me? says Bunny. I'm not staying if he is.
Come with us then, says Belle et Bonne. You'll have more fun in Adelaide than here.
They all go outside and pile into the camper. Bunny, Sweezus, Arthur, Mrs Hume, Belle et Bonne, Midge and Tom-Jelte.
Bye! they wave to the ones they are leaving behind, who are conscious.
Surfing-With-Whales watches the van disappear.
Lost the girlfriend and gained the father, says Lauren. Bad luck again, dear.
Bunny! calls Belle et Bonne. Where are you going?
I'm running away from dad, says Bunny. He wants to lock me up.
Outrageous! says Midge.
We'll see about that, says Belle et Bonne. Don't run away. Come back inside with us.
They knock on the front door.
Tom-Jelte opens it. He is surprised to see Bunny.
Hello! says Tom-Jelte. I think you have a twin! She is in the bedroom.
No that's me, says Bunny. I climbed out of the window.
That is funny, says Tom-Jelte. And now you come in the front door.
Yes, yes, says Midge. Can we please come in?
Yah! Come in ladies, says Tom-Jelte. The father is having a fit.
Poor dad, says Bunny. She goes into the kitchen, followed by Midge, Belle and Tom.
Lauren and Surfing-With-Whales are plying Ray Moon with water and pills.
Mrs Hume and Arthur are eating the last of the scones.
Sweezus has gone to the bathroom.
Dad, says Bunny. Are you ill?
Bunny, says Ray Moon faintly. You haven't run away?
I have, says Bunny. I just haven't gone yet.
What's this about locking her up? says Belle et Bonne.
Ray Moon hiccups and falls back in a swoon.
He's dead, says Arthur.
No he isn't, says Surfing-With-Whales. But he'll be out for some time.
Bunny looks peeved. What did you give him? she asks.
Something of mum's, says Surfing-With-Whales.
Right, says Sweezus, coming out of the bathroom. Is everyone ready to leave?
We can't leave, says Belle et Bonne. Look at Ray.
He can stay here till he wakes up, says Lauren. Bob and I will look after him. You can go.
What about me? says Bunny. I'm not staying if he is.
Come with us then, says Belle et Bonne. You'll have more fun in Adelaide than here.
They all go outside and pile into the camper. Bunny, Sweezus, Arthur, Mrs Hume, Belle et Bonne, Midge and Tom-Jelte.
Bye! they wave to the ones they are leaving behind, who are conscious.
Surfing-With-Whales watches the van disappear.
Lost the girlfriend and gained the father, says Lauren. Bad luck again, dear.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Traps, Threats and Insults
Hello dad!, says Bunny Moon. I wasn't expecting you.
Pchah! So I see! says Pastor Moon, choking on his scone.
Are you alright Ray? says Mrs Hume, hiding her glee at seeing Ray discomfited.
Yes! I am alright, says Pastor Moon. Bunny, get dressed at once. We're leaving!
I'm not leaving, says Bunny. I like it here.
She can stay as long as she likes, says Lauren Swales. She's a treasure. She's been helping in the craft shop.
Bunny! says Pastor Moon. I have not brought you up to be a helper in a craft shop. But that is beside the point. Were you sleeping with this disreputable young man?
Yes I was, says Bunny. Sorry dad. You weren't meant to find out.
Disreputable? says Surfing-With-Whales. Did he call me disreputable?
I always find you out, Bunny, says Pastor Moon, sternly. Now you're coming home with me. It seems I shall have to lock you in the house again.
Lock her in the house? says Mrs Hume. Are you joking? How old is Bunny?
Seventeen, says Pastor Moon.
Same as me, says Arthur. But Surfing-With-Whales is older.
He's more my age, says Sweezus, thoughtfully.
Am I ? says Surfing -With-Whales. How old are you?
Thirty ....ish, says Sweezus.
I'm not thirtyish, says Surfing-With-Whales, looking at his mum, and then at Bunny.
Aren't you? says Arthur. I have to say you look it.
That's surfing for you, says Surfing-With-Whales. The sun, the wind, they dry your skin up bad.
Badly, says Arthur.
Badly, says Surfing-With-Whales.
Do you use a moisturiser? asks Mrs Hume. I have worn moisturiser every day since I was a teenager, and look at my skin. Do you know how old I am?
No, how old are you, Mrs Hume? asks Tom-Jelte, who has up to now kept silent.
Guess! says Mrs Hume.
Tom-Jelte has fallen into a trap.
He looks at Arthur.
Arthur has no idea how old Mrs Hume is. She is the oldest person he has ever known.
Perhaps a hundred?
Arthur makes an X with his fingers. Then he makes another one.
Tom-Jelte is smart enough to know this information will not turn out useful.
There is a silence, while Pastor Moon turns purple.
Ray! says Lauren Swales. You're turning purple. Would you like another cup of tea? A raisin scone?
No thank you, Lauren, says Pastor Moon. You'd best keep out of this. I'm taking Bunny home.
He steps forward to grab hold of his daughter
Bunny runs back into the bedroom and locks the door.
Pchah! So I see! says Pastor Moon, choking on his scone.
Are you alright Ray? says Mrs Hume, hiding her glee at seeing Ray discomfited.
Yes! I am alright, says Pastor Moon. Bunny, get dressed at once. We're leaving!
I'm not leaving, says Bunny. I like it here.
She can stay as long as she likes, says Lauren Swales. She's a treasure. She's been helping in the craft shop.
Bunny! says Pastor Moon. I have not brought you up to be a helper in a craft shop. But that is beside the point. Were you sleeping with this disreputable young man?
Yes I was, says Bunny. Sorry dad. You weren't meant to find out.
Disreputable? says Surfing-With-Whales. Did he call me disreputable?
I always find you out, Bunny, says Pastor Moon, sternly. Now you're coming home with me. It seems I shall have to lock you in the house again.
Lock her in the house? says Mrs Hume. Are you joking? How old is Bunny?
Seventeen, says Pastor Moon.
Same as me, says Arthur. But Surfing-With-Whales is older.
He's more my age, says Sweezus, thoughtfully.
Am I ? says Surfing -With-Whales. How old are you?
Thirty ....ish, says Sweezus.
I'm not thirtyish, says Surfing-With-Whales, looking at his mum, and then at Bunny.
Aren't you? says Arthur. I have to say you look it.
That's surfing for you, says Surfing-With-Whales. The sun, the wind, they dry your skin up bad.
Badly, says Arthur.
Badly, says Surfing-With-Whales.
Do you use a moisturiser? asks Mrs Hume. I have worn moisturiser every day since I was a teenager, and look at my skin. Do you know how old I am?
No, how old are you, Mrs Hume? asks Tom-Jelte, who has up to now kept silent.
Guess! says Mrs Hume.
Tom-Jelte has fallen into a trap.
He looks at Arthur.
Arthur has no idea how old Mrs Hume is. She is the oldest person he has ever known.
Perhaps a hundred?
Arthur makes an X with his fingers. Then he makes another one.
Tom-Jelte is smart enough to know this information will not turn out useful.
There is a silence, while Pastor Moon turns purple.
Ray! says Lauren Swales. You're turning purple. Would you like another cup of tea? A raisin scone?
No thank you, Lauren, says Pastor Moon. You'd best keep out of this. I'm taking Bunny home.
He steps forward to grab hold of his daughter
Bunny runs back into the bedroom and locks the door.
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