Lobsters That Size

Next morning, Denis and Gaius set off for the bus station, on their bikes.

Terence is in Gaius's backpack.

Ageless lobster is in a string bag, dangling from Denis's handlebars.

They arrive at the bus station. 

The bus to Whyalla leaves in ten minutes.

I hope we can take our bikes on board without dismantling them, says Gaius.

He asks the driver.

Bikes are classed as Excess Luggage, says the driver.

Meaning? asks Gaius. 

You'll have to pay extra, says the driver.

Very well, says Gaius. How much will two bikes cost?

Thirty dollars each, assembled, says the driver. Twenty dollars each, disassembled.

Curses, says Gaius. We don't have enough time.

I see you've brought a fancy lunch, says the driver, spotting Ageless lobster in the string bag. 

Not at all, says Gaius.

O yes, says the driver. Lobsters that size cost over a hundred dollars. Tell you what, the bikes travel free if you give me a share of the lobster.

I should report you for corruption, says Gaius.

Only kidding, says the driver. Hello, Ageless! Where's your red hat?

Couldn't find it, says Ageless. Hello, Stanley.

Ahoy, matey! says Stanley. 

Very good, says Gaius. Where does that leave us?

I'll shove the bikes in free of charge, says Stanley. Ageless is an old acquaintance.

He shoves the bikes in and closes the hatches.

Denis and Gaius climb onto the bus. Terence is still in the backpack.

Are we there yet? asks the backpack.

What's in that backpack? asks Stanley.

Me, says Terence, popping up. I'm in the backpack.

Right, says Stanley. Travelling as what?

A statue of an infant, says Gaius. Of course, he's no ordinary statue.  

I can see that, says Stanley. Okay, time to depart. First stop, Port Wakefield for refreshments.

How long to Port Wakefield? asks Denis.

An hour and a half, says Stanley.

Time enough for me to write that email, says Denis.

And me to refresh my cuttlefish notes, says Gaius.

And me to do what? asks Terence.

Help me look for my hat, says Ageless.

It won't be on the bus, says Terence. We just got here.

Any hat, says Ageless.

It's something to do.

They start looking.

Red Hat Volunteer

So Terence got his claw back, says Kobo.

Yes, good as new, says Ageless lobster.

What's that smell? asks Kobo.

Denis has burnt the potatoes, says Ageless.

Why is he here? asks Kobo.

He's going to Point Lowly with Gaius, says Ageless.

When? asks Kobo.

Tomorrow morning, says Ageless.

You should go with them, says Kobo.

Trying to get rid of me, beloved? asks Ageless.

That would be a bonus, says Kobo. But you could be a help.

What do you mean by that, dearest? asks Ageless.

You can venture underwater, says Kobo. You can provide on-the-spot intelligence. Like a journalist in a war zone.

Ageless imagines himself in that role. Posting despatches.

You have convinced me, beloved, says Ageless. I'll volunteer for the role.

Don't forget your red hat, says Kobo.

Gaius comes in from hanging out the washing.

What's that smell? asks Gaius. 

I burned the potatoes, says Denis. 

Already? says Gaius. 

Didn't use enough water, says Denis.

Can they be saved? asks Gaius.

I suppose so, says Denis. I'll scrape them out of the pan, and cut off the worst bits. 

I'll look for some butter, says Gaius. 

He is now near the fridge. Ageless calls out to him.

I will be coming!

What? asks Gaius. 

With you to Point Lowly, says Ageless. In the role of intelligence officer.

Excellent, says Gaius. Are you happy to travel in my back pack? 

I prefer a string bag, says Ageless. 

A string bag? hisses Kobo. People will think you're his lunch!

Why would they? asks Ageless. 

I foresee it happening, says Kobo.

I do have a string bag somewhere, says Gaius. I'll go and look for it. 

You'd better look for your hat, says Kobo.

Good thinking, says Ageless. With a red knitted hat on, no one will mistake me for Gaius's lunch.

Where's this butter? shouts Denis.

Fridge! shouts Gaius.

He comes back with a string bag, just as Denis is opening the fridge and not finding the butter.

Never mind, says Gaius. I must have used it all up before going to Paris. There's some cooking oil in the pantry, we could fry them.

So Denis fries the parboiled and half burnt potatoes.

They turn out quite nice.

Comfort Of Sorts

This was a bad idea.

But you can't blame the muffin, whose seedy eyes had become misaligned.

The muffin falls off the table.

And crumbles.

Now it's really ruined, says Terence.

I should have stopped it, says Denis. Sorry.

Terence picks up the pieces of muffin.

The crumbs, the paper wings, the toothpicks and the passionfuit seed eyes.

This was his beak, says Terence.

So it was, says Gaius. What shall we do with it?

Bin it, says Denis. Where is your bin?

I don't want it to go in the bin! says Terence.

The compost bin, says Gaius. With the compostables, where it will break down and become one with the peelings.

One what? asks Terence.

One with the earth, eventually, says Gaius. A passionfruit vine may spring from its eyes in good time.

There's a fine thought, says Denis.

And trees will grow out of the toothpicks, says Terence.

Less likely, says Gaius.

And butterflies from the wings, says Terence.

Impossible, says Gaius.

Keep the wings, says Roo-kai. They'll remind you of the muffin.

Okay, says Terence. He pulls the toothpicks out of the wings.

At least I've got you, my real parrot, says Terence.

Yes, says Roo-kai. But you tried hard with the muffin.

I might keep the toothpicks as well, says Terence.

So only the crumbs and the passionfruit seeds end up in the compost bin in Gaius's kitchen.

There they lie.

All alone. 

Because Gaius hasn't peeled anything since he got back from Paris.

Now, says Gaius, we must plan our itinerary. 

Do we fly to Whyalla? asks Denis.

No, says Gaius. We'll catch a Stateliner to Whyalla, and we'll take our bikes, so we can cycle to Point Lowly.

He takes out his phone, and starts checking the Stateliner timetable.

Tomorrow morning at 8.25, says Gaius. I'll make an online booking.

He taps for a while.

Done, says Gaius. Who's for an apple?

Me, says Denis. I'm famished,

Gaius looks into his pantry.

No apples, just a box of potatoes, some of which have sprouted.

Better go shopping, says Gaius. 

I'd be happy with potatoes, says Denis. Boiled and mashed with butter. I'll start them. Where's your peeler?

Drawer, says Gaius. While you do that, I'll hang out the washing.

So Denis starts peeling.

Soon the crumbs and eyes of the muffin are joined by peelings and sprouts of potato. 

A comfort of sorts.

I Wings

It's not the same! wails Terence.

What now? asks Gaius.

Denis ruined my muffin, says Terence.

Gaius takes a serious look at the muffin.

It seems intact, says Gaius. And it has gained an advantage.

The muffin is listening. 

What advantage?

What advantage? asks Terence.

It will be easier to get him in and out of the egg box, says Gaius.  

Yes, says Denis. That's what I was thinking.

But he's getting wings, says Terence. Has everyone forgotten?

The muffin hasn't forgotten. 

I wings! says the muffin.

I seem to have improved its understanding, says Denis.

Where are the instructions? asks Terence.

Leonardo's instructions? says Gaius. Don't you have them?

Terence searches his pockets.

No, says Terence. 

I hope they weren't in one of my pockets, says Gaius. If so they're now in the wash.

Becoming unreadable, says Denis. 

Now what? asks Terence.

We shall have to come up with our own design, says Gaius. It shouldn't be beyond us.

Have you ever designed wings? asks Denis.

No. Have you? asks Gaius.

No, says Denis. But give me some paper and a pencil.

Roo-kai has been listening.

He comes over. 

I have wings, says Roo-kai.

Of course, says Denis. I wonder if you'd mind spreading them.

Roo-kai spreads his wings.

I wings! says the muffin.

They're too big, says Terence. 

I'll make them smaller, says Denis.

He draws a set of wings, like the wings of Roo-kai, but smaller.

Scissors? says Denis.

Gaius points to a drawer where there might be scissors. 

Denis, having found a pair of scissors, cuts out the wings.

You're getting wings, says Terence. 

I wings, says the muffin.

Done, says Denis. Now to attach them.

Paper wings? says Gaius.

Temporary, says Denis. Got any toothpicks?

I doubt it, says Gaius. But check in that drawer, behind the candles.

I only need two, says Denis.

Yes! behind the candles are two unused (let us assume) toothpicks.

Denis pokes a toothpick through each paper wing.

Then he attaches each wing to the muffin.

He stands back to assess his work on the muffin.

I wings, says the muffin, using them like crutches to move to the edge of the table.

Hole Open

 Denis Diderot has found a saucer, and placed the spoon on it.

The foam on the spoon quivers,

Done, says Denis Diderot. Anything else?

Examine the hole in the muffin, says Gaius. 

Denis examines the hole in the muffin.

At least it's stopped coughing, says Denis. 

Is all the foam out? asks Gaius.

I believe so, says Denis. Though there may be some residue.

What's residue? asks Terence.

Remaining particles, says Gaius. 

So what do we do? asks Terence.

Either we fill the hole in the muffin, or we leave it open, says Gaius.

What's your suggestion? asks Denis.

Ask the muffin, says Gaius. Now hold still, Terence. I'm attaching your claw.

Denis addresses the muffin.

Would you prefer we left your hole open, or closed? asks Denis.

Wen-I-no-wear, says the muffin.

That's not an answer, says Denis. All right. I'll ask it another way.

Again he addresses the muffin.

Would you prefer your hole open? asks Denis. 

The muffin would prefer his hole closed, but not with just anything.

That foam was disgusting.

He wants it closed, says Terence. He wants to be like he was. And he wants to have wings.

The muffin is grateful to Terence, for knowing his feelings.

Good, says Gaius. See to it, Denis. I need to wash my hands before my fingers stick together.

Sure, says Denis.

He is still thinking of Henriette, and how she will be amused by this story. 

So he will amuse her.

He picks up the muffin. Holds it, cupped in two hands.

His fingers meet around the middle of the muffin.

He squeezes. The hole closes.

He  puts it down.

What did you do to the muffin? cries Terence.

Reshaped it, says Denis. No hole, see? But it's still the same muffin.

Terence looks at his muffin.

It is taller and thinner. 

Its seedy eyes are misaligned.

It's not the same muffin.

 

Claws Come Off Best

Back at Gaius's house, everyone is busy.

Gaius has unpacked, put on a load of washing, and is looking for fish glue.

Denis Diderot is checking his emails,

Terence is showing Ageless lobster his claw.

I had a glowing finger, says Terence, but it needed a battery.

Claws come off best, says Ageless lobster.

Very good, says Gaius, who has found the fish glue. Claws come off best. Did you hear that Denis?

No, says Denis.

Ageless here says claws come off best, says Gaius. It's a double entendre.

Denis can't be bothered with a double entendre. He has received an email from Henriette.

Henriette has replied, says Denis.

What did she say? asks Gaius. If it's not too private. 

She says On what? says Denis

On what? says Gaius. What is that a reply to? 

That depends, says Denis. 

I see, says Gaius. You said that depends and she is now asking on what.

Exactly, says Denis. So I'm still in the dark.

As I see it you now have carte blanche, says Gaius. It's seems she's leaving it up you what further correspondence depends on.

You may be right, says Denis.

I am right, says Gaius. Hold Terence's claw for a moment. I need to apply fish glue to the gap in his hand.

Yikes! says Terence.

It won't hurt, says Gaius. 

No! Look out of the back window! says Terence. It's Roo-kai!

So it is, says Gaius, opening the sliding glass door.

Roo-kai hops in with the muffin in the egg box.

He puts it on the floor and lets go of the string.

Gaius looks down at the muffin.

Well done Roo-kai. says Gaius. What an ingenious way to bring home a sample.

Terence looks down as well.

There is a hole, filled with white foam, in his muffin.

And the muffin is coughing.

We must remove the sample at once, says Gaius. That may be an allergic reaction. Will you do it, Denis? I'm dealing with fish glue so time is of the essence.

Okay, says Denis. I'll scoop it out with a spoon.

He finds a spoon in the kitchen drawer, and scoops out the foam.

Where shall I put it? asks Denis.

On a saucer for now, says Gaius. 

While looking for a saucer, it occurs to Denis that Henriette might like this story.

It's Only A Cake

Roo-kai flies to Henley, with the muffin squeezed into its egg box, suspended by string.

He flies low, so the muffin can see.

He arrives at Henley, lands on a bench, and let's go of the string.

How did that feel? asks Roo-kai.

Wen, says the muffin.

When you were up there, says Roo-kai.

I-no-wear says the muffin.

You'll need to progress beyond that one sentence, says Roo-kai.

I no, says the muffin.

Words will come, says Roo-kai. 

They survey the scene in silence. 

White foam blobs shiver on the sand and the esplanade. There are even a few on the bench.

I promised Gaius I'd bring him a sample, says Roo-kai.

The muffin looks at the foam blobs.

A gust of wind blows them away.

Not sure how I'll do it, says Roo-kai.

I do it, says the muffin.

Well said, says Roo-kai. You tried to mimic my words. Or was that an offer?

Offa, says the muffin.

Wait here says Roo-kai. He rises and flies down to the beach, where there are plenty of foam blobs.

He selects one. And gathers it onto his wing.

Now he can't fly or he'll lose it. 

So he walks up the steps, with one wing protecting the foam blob.

The muffin watches. 

So this is what parrots do when they find things, thinks the muffin. 

Roo-kai hops back onto the bench.

Move over, says Roo-kai. I'll squeeze the foam blob in beside you.

The muffin tries, but can't make more room.

The egg box is smaller that it was before Leonardo started tinkering.

I see that you can't, says Roo-kai. Never mind, we can solve this.

He ponders the options.

1. Place the foam blob on top of the muffin (but it might blow away)

2.  Place the foam blob under the muffin (which would ruin the foam blob)

3.  Ditch the muffin (but Terence wouldn't like that)

4. Make a foam-blob-sized hole in the muffin (after all, it's only a cake)

Tell me if this hurts, says Rookai.

Cradling the foam blob with one wing, he leans over the muffin.

And pierces its face with his beak.

He withdraws his beak.

Hurts, says the muffin.

You did offer, says Roo-kai. Sorry, but the damage is done now, we may as well continue.

Tin you, says the muffin.

Roo-kai transfers the the foam blob into the hole in the face of the muffin.

Picks up the string.

And arises. 

They fly back to Gaius's house, with their mission accomplished