Shark On a Bus

Sweezus and Arthur are talking to the kiosk guy.

Yeah, we've got a spade somewhere, says the kiosk guy. You guys bogged?

Beached shark, says Sweezus. A spade might speed things up a bit.

Yeah, says the kiosk guy. Dig a channel and slide him back in. Watch out though, he might turn vicious.

He goes out the back to look for the spade.

Kant appears in the doorway.

A quick word, says Kant.

What's up? asks Arthur.

The shark wants a new photo, says Kant. 

As if that'll help, says Sweezus.

It won't, says Kant. Not if the message is 'Sharks are Friendly'. 

That's what he asked for, says Arthur. 

Yeah, but we never got round to actually getting it on the back of a bus, says Sweezus. 

Great White Teacher doesn't know that, says Arthur.

I though he'd seen proof, says Kant.

Speedy saw it, says Sweezus, but it was a photoshopped photo.

A good one, says Arthur.

What is photoshopped? asks Kant.

One photo pasted onto another, says Sweezus.  Shark photo and back of bus photo. Bingo! Looks like the shark photo is on an actual bus.

So you fooled him, says Kant.

You could say that, says Sweezus.

What does he want in the new photo? asks Arthur.

I came to warn you, says Kant. A photo of him about to bite someone's leg.

Won't be my leg, says Sweezus. 

Or mine, says Arthur.

The kiosk guy comes back with a spade.

Thanks, says Sweezus.

Suggestion, says the kiosk guy. Put a sack on his head till he's back in the water.

Won't that detract from the photo? asks Kant. Or render it pointless?

It'd embarrass him, says Sweezus. 

Not really, says Arthur. No one would know who he was.

But the idea of embarrassing Great White Teacher is a good one. 

So they won't need a sack.

A Dangerous Development

Go ahead. Take your walk, says Great White Teacher. Don't mind me.

It's an unbreakable habit, says Kant. A walk, every day, at half past three.

Even if it's raining? asks Faith.

My man follows me with an umbrella, says Kant. 

Ha ha, laughs Terence.

What's so funny? asks Kant.

He's got the umbrella, says Terence. That means you haven't.

Not at all, says Kant. If it starts raining he hands me the umbrella.

Then he gets wet, says Great White Teacher.

But he can go home, says Kant. And I can keep walking.

Off you go then, says Faith. We'll hold the fort here.

I'll keep an eye on the tide, says Kant.

If only I could do that, says Great White Teacher.

It's coming in quite fast, says Gaius.

Whoosh, so it is. 

Great White Teacher is in shallow water, momentarily.

The shallow water withdraws. Shweerp.....bubble bubble.

What's that bubble bubble? asks Great White Teacher.

Algal froth, says Gaius.

Horrible stuff, says Great White Teacher. Can't you clear it away?

We expect it to disperse now the weather has turned colder, says Gaius.

Yes we do, says Faith. I work for SARDI.

SARDI? says Great White Teacher. 

It means she's a sardine, says Terence.

I know a sardine when I see one, says Great White Teacher. Now what was I saying before this fellow decided to go for a walk?

About 'Sharks Are Friendly' not working, says Faith.

Yes! says Great White Teacher. I was complaining.

With good reason, says Faith. No one thinks sharks are friendly. But we do think you have a right to be who you are.

So, a different photo? says Great White Teacher. One where I'm taking a bite out of someone's leg?

About to take a bite, says Faith. Just for the photo.

Worth thinking about, says Great White Teacher. Where is Sweezus?

He and Arthur went up to ask at the kiosk for a spade, says Gaius.

I'll walk up to meet them, says Kant.

It might be wise to let them know of this dangerous development.

To Keep Him High Rated

Terence keeps sponging.

He is up to Great White Teacher's head.

Continue, says Great White Teacher.

I am, says Terence. Keep your mouth shut.

Mm-mm, says Great White Teacher. 

A wave breaks and washes towards them.

Is the tide turning? asks Kant. 

I believe so, says Gaius. 

He's coming! says Faith.

Who? asks Great White Teacher.

Terence whips the wet hankie away from his teeth, just in time.

Finished! says Terence.

You're supposed to keep doing it, says Faith.

You do it, says Terence, giving her the wet hankie.

This handkerchief could do with more water, says Faith.

She walks into the shallows and dips it into the sea.

Sweezus body-surfs towards her

Hey! says Sweezus. What's been happening?

A Great White beached itself, says Faith. We have no idea why. Terence has been sponging it to keep it hydrated. 

Good for him, says Sweezus. 

He grabs his board, and they walk back together.

Great White Teacher's got issues, says Arthur. He's been waiting for you.

Not like he's got much choice, says Sweezus.

Waiting for you before raising the issues, says Great White Teacher. How about standing where I can see you.

Sweezus moves to a spot beside Terence.

I was sponging him, says Terence. To keep him high rated.

Hydrated, says Gaius.

Now SHE'S going to do it, says Great White Teacher.

Faith steps forward with Kant's dripping hankie.

I might wait till you've finished speaking, says Faith.

Do his tail again, says Terence. 

Faith starts sponging the tail.

Okay, says Sweezus. Is this about 'Sharks Are Friendly'?

It is, says Great White Teacher. I have reason the believe we were dudded.

Yeah? says Sweezus. We showed your mate Speedy the photo. You and him with tiny fish swimming out of your mouths. Remember that, Arthur?

Yes, says Arthur. It was on the backs of the buses. You couldn't go anywhere without seeing it. 

It doesn't seem to have worked, says Great White Teacher.

Yeah it worked, says Sweezus. 

No one I came into contact with seemed to think I was friendly, says Great White Teacher.

May I ask why you wanted people to think you were friendly? asks Faith.

She is sponging his belly. She is close to the purple spot where Terence kicked him.

No! roars Great White Teacher.

Okay, sorry, says Faith.

The next wave rolls in, and froths softly round Great White Teacher, and everyone's feet.

What time is it? asks Kant.

Half past three, says Gaius.

Time for my afternoon walk, says Kant. 

Oh great! says Great White Teacher.

I suppose I could delay it, says Kant.

By Way Of A What?

Terence kicks Great White Teacher.

Then regrets it.

What if Sweezus is in inside?

Ow! says Great White Teacher. You little fucker!

Terence! says Gaius. That is no way to assist a beached shark.

What is he made of? Cement? snarls Great White Teacher.

Yes, says Gaius. And I can't think why he would have done that. 

He ate Sweezus! wails Terence.

I did not, says Great White Teacher.

From the corner of one eye, he spots Arthur.

This person knows it, says Great White Teacher.

What? asks Arthur.

That I didn't eat your friend Sweezus, says Great White Teacher.

No, you didn't, says Arthur. He's still out there. 

Everyone looks out to sea, except Great White Teacher, who is facing the opposite way.

There is Sweezus, out there, bobbing.

Now that's cleared up, says Gaius, may we assist you back into your natural medium.

If you would, says Great White Teacher.

I know what to do, says Faith. First we sponge him.

Sponge me? says Great White Teacher. 

To keep you hydrated, says Faith.

That might be quite nice, says Great White Teacher.

Perhaps Terence would like to do it, says Faith. By way of apology.

By way of a what? asks Terence.

I'll lend you my handkerchief, says Kant. Dip it in the sea, but don't squeeze it.

Yippee! Terence is allowed in the sea!

 He takes the hankie and dips it in the water, then he brings it back, sodden.

Now wipe him gently, says Faith, while we work out how to turn him.

Terence looks at Great White Teacher, who is smiling.

Or is he?

Terence starts at the safe end, the tail.

If we had a rope, says Faith, we could easily do it.

We may not need to do anything, but wait for the tide to come in, says Gaius.

I'm all for that, says Great White Teacher. I have a few issues to discuss, in the meantime.

Excellent, says Gaius. Tell us their nature.

When Sweezus appears, says Great White Teacher.

Is this about that promotional photo? asks Arthur.

Yes, says Great White Teacher.

Terence keeps sponging. He is up to Great White Teacher's white belly.

There is the spot that he kicked. 

It looks purple.

He wisely avoids it.

There He Died Happily

I don't suppose you could repeat your lovely poem, says Faith.

Terence thinks back.

How had it started?

Two snails have died, says Kant.

That's it, says Terence. 

And they're not going anywhere, says Kant.

Yes, says Terence. 

As the poem is being reconstructed, let's check on Sweezus and Arthur.

They have spotted a second large wave.

Almost as big as the one Arthur missed, when reciting The Death Box.

They continue to look at the wave.

It is building and building.

A face appears in it, grinning.

Shit! says Sweezus. Great White Teacher!

Let's paddle out of his way, says Arthur. 

Yeah, says Sweezus. Good plan. He might not've seen us.

They paddle to a less ideal position.

The face turns towards them, showing its teeth.

He spotted us, says Sweezus. We should let this wave go.

But Arthur doesn't think so. He missed that one earlier. He's not going to miss this one as well.

Sweezus rises and falls on the swell, but doesn't move forward.

Arthur does.

He surfs in, alongside Great White Teacher.

Great White Teacher makes a slight change of course.

A collision is imminent.

Arthur flips his board, avoiding the collision.

Great White Teacher is now heading straight for the shore.

He gnashes his teeth. None of this was intended to happen.

Scruuuurch! He skids onto the sand, not far from where Kant is saying 'and there he died happily'.

Faith sees him first.

Holy moley! says Faith. A Great White's just beached itself!

Jumping Jupiter! says Gaius. We must try to assist him!

They run towards Great White Teacher, who is trying to reverse.

Arthur comes up with his board, shaking drops from his hair.

Terence expects to see Sweezus soon after.

But Sweezus is not there.

The horrid white shark must have eaten him.

Wah!

The Bee-loved

I will, says Terence.

Will what? asks Gaius.

Make a poem out of it, says Terence. Two snails have died....

All Terence's poems start off like that, says Gaius.

That's sweet, says Faith.

I assume they finish differently, says Kant.

YES! says Terence 

Two snails have died, they're not going anywhere, the Twitcher ate them on the way to Dubai, continues Terence.

That's quite good so far, says Gaius. Died rhymes with Dubai.

No it doesn't, says Kant.

It's not supposed to, says Terence. And my poem's not finished.

Go on then, says Gaius.

What happened next? asks Terence.

We had to lend him to the Dubai Aquarium for a week, says Gaius, and that's where he met ...

His BEE-loved, says Terence. Okay.

O lay, o lay, the Twitcher was sad, he didn't know he had done something bad, and then he got put in a quarium, says Terence.

An aquarium, says Kant.

Stop interfering, says Faith. A quarium. I love it.

Apologies, says Kant.

Then what? asks Terence.

Then he meets the bee-loved, says Faith.

That's good, says Terence. Then he meets the bee-loved, a meditranian.... wait,  wasn't there two of them?

Yes, but he only became enamoured of one, says Gaius.

The glimmering orange one, says Faith.

I'm doing this poem! says Terence.

Carry on, says Gaius. 

Two meditranians, says Terence. One was not beautiful, and one was. She was orange.

They were probably both orange, says Kant.

Faith frowns at Kant.

And he loved the most beautiful, says Terence, but she was going to Kas.

Actually I don't thinks she was, says Gaius. Only he was. But in Kas, he had another beloved, whom he had seen in photographs. She was superbly orange and glimmering, in effect, his ideal.

This is stupid, says Terence.

No it isn't, says Gaius. You've nearly finished.

When does he die? asks Terence.

No one knows exactly, says Gaius.

And he loved the most beautiful, says Terence, but she wasn't going to Kas, she cried when he went, but he said o lay o lay I am going to Kas, to meet a bee-loved even more beautiful and there... I will happily die.

Bravo Terence! says Faith. 

Well done! says Gaius.

Even Kant has to admit that the ending is moving. 

Out Of The Death Box

Do you remember your poem? asks Faith.

The Death Box, says Arthur.

Say it, says Faith.

Arthur would prefer not to, for two reasons, 

One, he is missing a gigantic wave, which he can see coming.

Two, Gaius and Terence are approaching.

Go on, says Faith. For my collection.

Arthur relents.

A terrible scent and dark swirling water, luminescent flashes subsiding, final drops fall to the sea, just one flaccid cuttlefish remains in the stolen death box.

Ripper! says Faith. Would you mind repeating it. I'd like to record it.

Arthur looks out at the wave, which is building up nicely, with Sweezus in a perfect postion.

He recites the Death Box again, very quickly.

He is just gabbling 'one flaccid cuttlefish remains in the stolen death box', when Gaius arrives.

Ah, says Gaius. Memories. The death box. That was the Twitcher.

So it was a real cuttlefish, says Faith.

It was, says Gaius. We took it to Kas.

Did I go? asks Terence.

No you didn't go, says Gaius. I went. Katherine went. Arthur went. And Ageless Lobster.

Where was it going? asks Terence.

To meet it's orange beloved, says Faith. I assume these cuttlefish poems are connected.

Who was it? asks Terence.

A Turkish cuttlefish, female, says Gaius.

Why didn't I go? asks Terence. 

It was years ago, says Gaius. I don't remember. But I do remember I had to submit a report.

Arthur watches Sweezus surf in on the biggest wave of the morning.

Gliding in gracefully.

Sweezus sploshes towards them, in the shallows.

There was trouble with snails, says Gaius. 

Hey bro, says Sweezus. See that awesome biggie?

Yes, says Arthur. I missed it.

Too bad, says Sweezus. There won't be another one like that this morning, I reckon.

There might be, says Arthur.

Yeah sure, there might be, says Sweezus. Coming?

Of course Arthur's coming.

They both head back into the sea.

Well, says Faith. What was that about snails?

They were on the plane to Dubai, says Gaius. 

Snails were? says Faith.

Destined for the Dubai Aquarium, says Gaius. Two were inadvertently let loose by Dr Moussalli, and our Twitcher ate them, leaving Dr Moussalli short of two snails, to make up for which we agreed to loan the Twitcher to the Dubai Aquarium for one week, during which time he was placed in an aquarium occupied by two female Mediterranean cuttlefish.

Where he fell in love, says Faith. You could make a poem of that story.

Highly unlikely, says Gaius.