Almost As Good As A Phone

What's he playing? asks the kid with the ipad.

What's who playing? asks Terence.

Your guy up the train, says the kid with the ipad.

He's not playing anything, says Terence.

Then why does he need reinforcements? asks the kid.

Don't ask me, says Terence. He hasn't even got his own seat.

It's for when we get to Barcelona, says Prong.

Soldiers? says the kid. What's going on?

They're bringing a net and a rope, says Prong. 

Yikes! says Terence. They must be for the rescue.

What rescue? asks the kid with the ipad.

We're going to rescue a bear, says Terence. 

With soldiers? asks the kid. That's pretty full on!

It might not be soldiers, says Prong.

Why not? asks Terence.

Because it might just be friends, says Prong. 

Go and ask him, says Terence.

Prong assumes drone mode again. Flies up the train to where Arthur is sitting.

I haven't given the signal, says Arthur.

Terence wants to know who's coming? says Prong. 

Why? asks Arthur. Has he seen the ticket inspector?

No, says Prong. But the kid sitting next to Terence said it might be soldiers.

Putain! says Arthur. Soldiers on the train!

No, says Prong. Who are we meeting in Barcelona?

Oh, says Arthur. Tell him it's Sweezus, and a friend.

I knew it! says Prong. 

Then why did you come up here? asks Arthur.

Terence asked me to, says Prong.

That's a useful drone parrot you've got there, says the man sitting next to Arthur.

Mm, says Arthur. Almost as good as a phone.

Well, yes, says the man.

Terence hasn't got a phone, says Prong.

Who is Terence? asks the man sitting next to Arthur. Your son?

No, says Arthur. He's a kid who's travelling to Barcelona with me.

To see the Sagrada Familia? says the man. I hear it's amazing.

Yes, says Arthur. 

Very popular with the tourists, says the man. There are long queues, even if you've bought tickets.

I won't need a ticket, says Prong. I'll fly straight up to the Virgin. 

With a rope and a net? says the man next to Arthur.

Arthur nudges Prong.

Oh... no, says Prong.

But too late, the man is looking suspicious. 

Arthur may have to seat hop again.

The Confident Drone

Prong is looking for Arthur, somewhere up the train.

Look! A parrot on the train! cries a passenger.

Oop! What to do now?

Prong makes a decision, and starts buzzing.

Bzzzzzz.

Probably a drone, says another passenger.

A drone in the shape of a parrot? says a third passenger.

They come in all shapes these days, says another.

Prong flies on, now a confident drone.

She spots Arthur, who has found an empty seat and sat down.

She lands on his shoulder.

Merde! says Arthur.

Sorry, says Prong. Terence sent me to see where you are.

Arthur's phone rings.

It's Sweezus.

Hey, where are you? asks Sweezus.

Seems like everyone wants to know that, says Arthur.

You in trouble? asks Sweezus.

No, says Arthur. What's up?

I'll be coming to Barcelona, says Sweezus. With Jean Paul Sartre.

Good, says Arthur. When will you get there?

Tomorrow, says Sweezus. And we're bringing a net and a rope.

A net and a rope? What for? asks Arthur.

The rescue, says Sweezus. And oh yeah, Sartre'll blog the whole thing.

Can't wait to read that, says Arthur. 

See you on the steps of the Sagrada Familia, says Sweezus.

Okay, see you, says Arthur.

What's happening? asks Prong.

Reinforcements, says Arthur.

What does that mean? asks Prong.

Can't tell you right now, says Arthur, looking across at the guy sitting next to him.

Got it, says Prong. By the way do you have my curly whiskers?

Yes, says Arthur. But you won't be needing them yet.

Okay, says Prong. I'l tell Terence where you are and come back every five minutes to check if you're giving the signal.

Sounds like a plan, says Arthur.

Prong flies back to Terence, with the news about reinforcements.

Hi, says Terence. Did you find him?

Yes, I found him, says Prong. And he's getting reinforcements. Whatever those are.

Food and drinks, says Terence.

No they're not, says the kid next to Terence, looking up from his ipad. 

They're like, soldiers.

Terence wonders where Arthur is getting them from.

Spy Parrot Kudos

Meanwhile, on the fast train to Barcelona.

Arthur has given the signal.

A bent finger, raised.

Look, says Terence. That's the signal.

Prong stops looking dazed.

I missed it, says Prong.

How come? asks Terence.

You told me to stare, says Prong, so I'd look like a toy.

Next time stare at Arthur, says Terence.

Shouldn't we respond to the signal? asks Prong.

Yes, says Terence. Come on.

Put me on your shoulder, says Prong.

Okay, says Terence. 

He lifts Prong onto his shoulder.

That's a wonderful toy you have there, says his neighbour.

Thanks, says Terence.

Thank you, madam, says Prong.

Would you like me to save your seat for you? asks the neighbour.

I don't know, says Terence. I mean yes, maybe.... no.

I'll save it anyway, says the neighbour who seems like a nice lady.

Terence and Prong move up to where Arthur is sitting.

Ticket inspector, says Arthur. Time to move on.

Where to? asks Terence.

Up the train, says Arthur. Towards the inspector.

He starts walking up the train.

Terence follows with Prong.

They pass the ticket inspector.

Arrètez! says the ticket inspector. Ou allez-vous?

Toilet, says Arthur.

I must see your ticket first, says the ticket inspector.

The kid's in a hurry, says Arthur.

I'm going to pee on the floor, says Terence.

Go then, says the ticket inspector. I'll catch up with you when you return to your seat.

Thanks, says Arthur.

Phew! says Terence. 

They keep walking, until Arthur spots an empty seat.

Sit there, says Arthur. If anyone comes and says it's their seat, come and find me.

Okay, says Terence.

He sits down next to a kid who is playing a game on his ipad.

The kid looks up.

And back at his game.

Shall I go and see where Arthur is going to be sitting? asks Prong.

Yes, says Terence. Then we'll know if we'll be able to see the next signal.

Prong goes off.

The kid looks up again.

Spy parrot? says the kid.

Spy parrot, says Terence.

This is pleasing.

Her Practical Suggestions

Let me guess, says Simone.

Okay, says Sweezus.

You are about to ask Jean Paul to come with you to Barcelona, says Simone.

Are you? asks Sartre.

That's part of it, says Sweezus. 

Are we to assist in the rescue? asks Sartre.

From below, says Sweezus. Just as backup.

There you are, Jean Paul, says Simone. A chance for some positive action.

Sartre bites into a blue macaron.

Jean Paul is taking it seriously, says Simone.

Yeah great, says Sweezus. And it'll get him some attention.

Do you still crave attention, mon petit? asks Simone.

It wouldn't hurt, says Sartre. But how exactly would I get this attention? 

That's the best part of my idea, says Sweezus. You blog your journey. 

What a clever idea, says Simone. You must do it, my darling. A few words every day. How would you begin it?

Man is nothing but his plan, says Sartre.

Awesome, says Sweezus.

But first you should say where you're going and why, says Simone.

That will follow, says Sartre.

I think you should state those things first, says Simone. Before you start dropping your philosophical epithets.

It will be my choice, says Sartre.

Of course, says Simone. You're lucky I'm not going.

She picks up the last macaron. A brown one.

Alors, it's the last one, says Simone. Will you have it, Sweezus?

Sweezus remembers the dead fly. And she did not wash her hands. But yeah she never actually touched it. He was watching, the whole time.

Yeah thanks, says Sweezus. He takes it. 

I'm becoming quite excited, says Sartre. What shall I pack?

I suggest a rope and a net, says Simone.

Sweezus is impressed by her practical suggestions.

Which Virgin Is That?

The cakes are macarons, Sweezus's favourite.

He takes a pale yellow one.

Sartre hands him a coffee and sits down in his armchair.

I was sitting there, says Simone. I just got up to let the fly out.

Let it out? says Sartre.

Of the window, says Simone.

Yeah she made it look like a butterfly, says Sweezus.

She touched it? says Sartre.

Of course I didn't touch it, says Simone. I twisted the scrap of newspaper with the dead fly inside.

You should wash your hands, says Sartre.

I shall, says Simone. 

She takes a pale green macaron from the plate, and changes the subject.

Sweezus was telling me about something Arthur and Terence are doing, says Simone.

What might that be? asks Sartre.

They are on their way to visit the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona, says Simone.

A pilgrimage? asks Sartre. 

A rescue mission, says Sweezus.

A Sylvanian bear has been detained by the Virgin, says Simone.

Which virgin is that? asks Sartre.

Simone looks at Sweezus. Which one?

The one who dropped Terence, says Sweezus.

So this bear is a substitute for Terence, says Sartre. But why does it need to be rescued?

Yes why? says Simone. Surely Terence isn't going to offer himself in its place?

Shit no, says Sweezus. Terence hated being up there. 

Was she unkind? asks Simone.

More like vacant, says Sweezus. And Terence was always in trouble from Saint Joseph.

What kind of trouble? asks Simone. 

Used to chase him with his woodworking tools, says Sweezus. And whack him.

It couldn't have hurt much, says Sartre..

That's hardly the point, says Simone. I wonder if the Sylvanian bear gets the same treatment?

Yeah, never thought about that, says Sweezus. 

He takes a second macaron. A pale pink one.

Help yourself, cheri, says Simone.

He has, says Sartre.

I'm surprised you're not part of this rescue mission yourself, says Simone.

Me? says Sartre.

As if you would put yourself out to rescue anyone, says Simone. No, I meant him.

I would've, says Sweezus, but the boss insisted I do this interview.

What a shame, says Simone.

When have I ever not rescued anyone who needed rescuing? asks Sartre.

Never, says Simone. But that is only because....

Hey, says Sweezus, I've just had this really cool idea.

Good

And who will ger rid of this squashed fly? asks Simone.

It is already got rid of, says Sartre.

Not completely, says Simone. It is smeared on this newspaper. How can we serve coffee and cakes to our guest while it remains on the table?

Doesn't bother me, says Sweeus.

You are sweet, says Simone, but one of us shall move it.

She looks at Jean Paul.

I'll make the coffee, says Jean Paul.

I knew you would choose that, says Simone.

Sartre gets out of his armchair and heads for the kitchen.

Simone sits down in his chair.

She picks up the newspaper, avoiding the parts of dead fly.

And how are you, mon cheri? asks Simone.

Good, says Sweezus.

And le petit Terence? she asks, tearing round the piece of newspaper on which is the fly.

Yeah, Terence, he's good, says Sweezus.

Growing up, I imagine, says Simone.

Not in size, says Sweezus, but he's kind of maturing.

How wonderful! says Simone. Give me an example.

Errm... yeah well... he's on his way to Barcelona, says Sweezus.

Alone? asks Simone, twisting the torn piece of newspaper.

With Arthur, says Sweezus. 

Dear Arthur, says Simone. How is he?

Good, says Sweezus. 

And what do they plan to do in Barcelona? asks Simone.

You don't want to know, says Sweezus.

I certainly do, says Simone.

They're going to rescue a Sylvanian bear from the Sagrada Familia, says Sweezus.

I see, says Simone. Where is this bear exactly?

The Virgin's got it, says Sweezus. 

Simone smoothes out the ends of the twisted newspaper, so it looks like a butterfly.

It's impossible to see the dead fly in the middle.

Sartre comes in with some cakes on a plate, and returns to the kitchen for the coffee.

Simone takes her butterfly to the window. 

Opens the window and drops it outside.

Reality In Action

Arthur props his bike in a bike space near the door of the train

He should have paid ten euros for this bike space, but he hasn't.

Nor has he paid for a ticket.

Look for two empty seats, says Arthur.

I'm looking, says Terence.

Wait till the train moves, says Arthur.

Okay, says Terence.

Why can't we just sit down? asks Prong.

Because we'll be seat hopping, says Arthur.

The train starts to move forward.

There are a few empty seats, but no two are together.

You sit here, says Arthur. And I'll be three seats down. Watch out for my signal.

What signal? asks Prong.

Arthur holds his hand up and crooks a finger.

What does it mean, the signal? asks Prong.

It means hop now, says Terence.

Got it, says Prong.

Terence sits down. 

Prong perches on his knee.

Pretend to be a toy, says Terence.

How? asks Prong.

Stare, says Terence.

Prong stares, but it's risky. 

What if she misses the signal?

....

Meanwhile back in Paris.

You were pretty nimble, says Sweezus. I mean with the fly.

The fly is in parts on the newspaper with which it was killed.

Detached legs, mashed body parts, brown liquid smearings.

There is no reality except in action, says Sartre.

Tell that to the fly, says Sweezus.. 

My statement refers to human action, says Sartre. 

Yeah, I get that, says Sweezus. You still ride a bike?

Now and then, says Sartre. How about you?

Did you watch the Tour de France on TV? asks Sweezus. I was in it.

Oh were you? asks Sartre. I was mainly interested in the efforts of Team Philosophe.

They did okay this year, says Sweezus. 

I ask myself how they keep going, says Sartre.

Guess they like the attention, says Sweezus.

Hmm, says Sartre. Perhaps I should try something to gain more attention.

Don't you get much attention? asks Sweezus.

My wife gets more attention than I do, says Sartre.

A key jangles. The front door opens. In comes a woman.

It's Simone de Beauvoir.

Bonjour mes petits!, says Simone. 

Hey, Simone, says Sweezus. 

How lovely to see you! says Simone. Has Jean Paul offered you cakes and coffee? Non, I thought not. Il est très paresseux!

Look here, Beaver, says Jean Paul. I have just killed a fly.

Simone de Beauvoir stares at the squashed fly with distaste.