Shit Advice

When are we going? asks Terence.

When you've finished your red drink, says Arthur.

Yeah? says Sweezus. How're you going to get there?

Train, says Arthur.

Yay! says Terence. I love trains.

He slurps his red drink down and is ready.

Come on, says Arthur. 

We have to get Prong, says Terence. 

She can fly to Barcelona, says Arthur.

She might not know the way, says Terence.

She can ask the other birds, says Arthur.

Remember she has curly whiskers, says Gaius.

Meaning? says Arthur.

You should take the curly whiskers with you. They mustn't get wet.

Okay, says Arthur.

He and Terence leave La Crème de Paris.

Bye everyone! shouts Terence.

Bye Terence, says Belle. Remember to do what Arthur tells you.

That might turn out to be shit advice, says Sweezus.

No worse than if you went, says Belle.

Everything will be fine, Belle, says Vello. Arthur and Terence will have a quixotic adventure. You and I and David will have a few days more in Paris, Sweezus will commence work at once. 

You haven't told me what I'm supposed to be doing, says Sweezus.

Interviewing Jean Paul Sartre, face to face, says Vello. 

I did that years ago, says Sweezus. Is he even alive?

Of course he's alive, says Vello. And no doubt he has some new and interesting philosophies.

As opposed to his old uninteresting philosophies, says Sweezus.

Ha ha! laughs David. Don't tell him that.

Maybe I just never understood them, says Sweezus.

Get him to talk about bikes, says Vello. That's what our readers expect.

I think I know how to do my job, says Sweezus.

He gets up and walks out of La Crème de Paris.

Terence and Arthur are outside talking to Prong.

I would  prefer to travel by train, says Prong.

You can, says Terence. 

On the roof, says Arthur.

She'll lose all her feathers up there, says Sweezus.

And her curly whiskers, says Terence. Don't worry Prong. You can sit on my knee.

Pretend she's a toy parrot, says Sweezus. That works.

Arthur shrugs. 

He doesn't mind really, what Prong does.

Imagine You're Lost

You look much better, says Belle.

I'm pale and sad, says Terence.

That's your normal colour, says Sweezus.

I'm not normally sad, says Terence.

I'm sorry, says Belle. I thought you'd keep it down. 

Shall I try again? says Terence.

No, says Belle. I'll order a Ribena.

She goes off to do that.

Guess what? asks Sweezus.

What? asks Terence.

While you were outside....begins Sweezus.

Vomiting, says Terence.

Yes vomiting, says Sweezus. We were talking.

About going to Barcelona? asks Terence.

Yeah, says Sweezus. 

Are you going? asks Terence.

No, says Sweezus. I'm staying in Paris.

I'm going, says Arthur. And you're coming with me.

To rescue the sister? asks Terence. 

That's one thing I'll do, says Arthur.

That's very kind of you Arthur, says Gaius. 

Yes, says Terence. But what if you lose me?

Arthur won't lose you, says Gaius. He is very reliable.

If I lose you, says Arthur, we'll meet on the steps at the front of your palace.

See? says Terence. He thinks he might lose me.

But he's devised a plan B, says Gaius.

What is it? asks Terence.

The meeting place, says Gaius. Imagine you're lost.

Because he lost me, says Terence.

Because you wandered off, says Gaius. What do you do?

I ask Prong where Arthur is, says Terence.

But you already know where Arthur is, says Gaius. Where is he?

On the steps in front of my palace, says Terence. What if he isn't?

You wait, says Arthur. I'll be there eventually.

Sorry I'm not coming, says Sweezus. 

Belle comes back with the Ribena.

Guess what? says Terence.

I already know, says Belle. Arthur is taking you to Barcelona, and Sweezus isn't going because he has to work here in Paris.

Don't look at me, says Vello. No one has to go to Barcelona.

Only Arthur and me, says Terence. And Prong. And her curly whiskers.

What an adventure, says Belle. What will you do with the sister, after she's rescued?

Terence has not really thought about that.

Blood Guts Pale And Sad

The fruits rouges are strawberries, blackberries and cranberries.

Belle takes a few off her crepe and mashes them on a saucer, using a fork.

She gives Terence a spoon.

Try that, says Belle.

It looks like blood and guts, says Terence.

Don't you want it? asks Belle.

I want it, says Terence.

He starts eating the blood and guts.

Wooh! Yes! He can eat anything.

But suddenly, he gets a sharp pain half way down.

What's the trouble little buddy? asks Sweezus.

Bluuh-uh! says Terence.

Don't eat any more, says Gaius. Shall I take you outside?

Yes, says Terence. I might be going to vomit.

Gaius takes Terence outside La Creme de Paris.

Prong is waiting, perched on an outdoor chair.

Did you ask them? asks Prong.

I'm going to throw up, says Terence. Watch this.

Prong watches with horror.

Terence throws up blood and guts.

Fear not, says Gaius, seeing Prong's exprssion, They are simply fruits rouges.

Oh, says Prong. They're all over the pavement.

I'll call a waiter, says Gaius. Stay here Terence.

Gaius goes back inside.

Is he okay? asks Belle.

Fine, says Gaius. He vomited and made a mess. I'm calling a waiter.

Poor little fellow, says David.

Probably would've been okay if he'd chewed it, says Sweezus, I bet he just slurped it down.

It was mashed, but I shouldn't have risked it, says Belle.

Gaius has called a waiter, and the waiter has followed him outside.

Merde! says the waiter. Qu'est ca?

Surely you recognise it? says Gaius.

The waiter looks more closely.

Ah! Les fruits rouges, says the waiter.

He starts mopping them up with a cloth.

Shall we go inside, Terence? asks Gaius.

Yes, says Terence.

Make the most of it, says Prong.

Of what? asks Terence.

The situation, says Prong. They'll all feel sorry for you. You have bargaining power.

I think Prong means you might get someone to accompany you to Barcelona, says Gaius.

Yes! says Terence.

Try to look pale and sad, says Prong.

Terence tries to look pale and sad.

The Day After: A Squeeze

The next day, in Montmartre. 

Teams Philosophe and Condor are having lunch at La Crème de Paris.

They are thinking of ordering crepes.

What's emmental rapé? asks Sweezus.

Grated cheese, says Arthur.

Okay, so what's jambon de dinde? asks Sweezus.

Turkey ham, says Arthur.

WTF!

Sweezus is not having turkey ham. He orders the saumon fumé, with emmental rapé.

Arthur orders the Nutella banane.

Surfing-with-Whales orders the same.

Gaius orders a nature, in other words a plain crepe.

David and Vello are considering their options.

What can I have? asks Terence.

Well... says Belle. I'll order the creme légère with fruits rouges and see what we get.

What are fruitsroojes? asks Terence.

Red fruits says Belle. There's sure to be something to squeeze. If not you'll just have to have a Ribena.

Terence hopes there is something to squeeze.

Vello and David both decide to go classic and order the sucre citron.

One or two well wishers pass their table.

Bravo les gars! says one .

Bravo tout le monde! says another.

That's nice of them, says Vello. 

Hey, says Terence. What happens next?

Our crepes will come and we'll eat them, says Vello.

I mean after, says Terence.

Some well-earned relaxation, says Sweezus.

Not much of that, says Vello. You have work to do back in the office.

People work from anywhere nowadays, says Belle.

Yeah boss, says Sweezus. I can work from here in Paris.

Can you work from Barcelona? asks Terence.

Yeah but ... why would I? asks Sweezus.

If you had to go and rescue someone from a palace, says Terence.

No way, says Sweezus. 

What if it was your sister! says Surfing-with-Whales.

Yes! says Terence. And she was in danger!

She isn't in danger, says Sweezus.

Not yet, says Terence.

It seems you admit the existence of this sister, says David.

Ha ha, yes, says Vello. Perhaps you should go there and see.

Yay! says Terence. Does that mean we're going?

But the crepes have arrived and there are questions more pressing.

Such as: What are the fruits rouges?

Can they be squeezed into something that Terence can swallow?

Without a digestive problem ensuing.

Stage 21: Paris Champs Elysées - Worthwhile

At last the final stage.

Shortened because France is burning.

But that need not concern us now.

The riders do seven laps of the Champs Elysées.

The crowds cheer.

There goes ... who are those guys?

One has a parrot on his shoulder.

The other two look quite old.

One of the older ones is waving at the crowd as though he is famous.

Stop waving, says David. 

They love me, says Vello.

But it's not over yet, says David.

Isnt it? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

It is and it isn't, says David.

Very true, says Vello. I'll stop waving. 

When we've gone up and down Montmartre three times, that's when to start waving, says David.

I'll remember that, says Vello.

Me too, says Surfing-with-Whales.

I'll remind you, says Prong

Time to ditch that parrot, says Vello.

Don't worry, I'm going, says Prong.

She flies off to Montmartre.

Landing on Terence's shoulder.

How are they doing? asks Belle.

Arguing about waving, says Prong.

That's a good sign, says Belle. I thought they'd tired themselves out yesterday.

What about Sweezus? asks Terence. Did you see him?

I flew over him, says Prong. But I didn't land on his shoulder. I don't think he likes me.

He does like you, says Terence.

How do you know? asks Prong.

Because I like you , says Terence. And we're the same person.

What nonsense, says Belle. You and he are not the same person.

We're going to be, says Terence.

No you're not, says Belle. Have you forgotten you're Spanish?

Yes... no, says Terence. And I'm going to ask him to take me back to Barcelona to rescue his sister.

Belle laughs. 

Like this is going to happen.

The race is heating up, by the way.

Up to Montmartre. Once. Twice. Three times. 

Last chance you guys!

Who's in front now?

Matthieu Van der Poel, Jasper Philipsen, Mads Pedersen.......

Van der Poel accelerates with 600 metres to go.

Whah! He wins it.

Look at him now, breathing heavily.

He looks utterly knackered.

But no doubt he thinks it worthwhile.

Stage 20: Le Bourg d'Oisans to Alpe D'Huez - Better

This stage will be the hardest.

There are three HC climbs.

All the GC riders are determined to do at least something.

Including Richard Carapaz.

Let's keep an eye out for him.

Vello and David make their way up the first HC climb, the Col de la Croix de Fer.

Gaius rides up behind them.

Taking it easy? asks Gaius.

Very funny, says Vello. Where are Sweezus and Arthur?

Not far behind me, says Gaius. Where is Surfing-with-Whales?

We don't know, says Vello.

That's not very helpful.

Let's find out for ourselves.

Sweezus and Arthur are trying to keep up with Pablo. 

Pablo is trying to catch up with Surfing-with-Whales.

They all catch up together.

Hey, says Surfing-with-Whales. Are we near the top of this thing yet?

We have to be, says Sweezus. Look at the crowds.

The crowds look back at them.

Who are these guys?

They cheer and clap and flap cardboard signs anyway.

And Richard Carapaz?

He went over the summit a long time ago, with several rivals.

And down they go for the intermediate sprint.

Mads Pedersen wins the intermediate sprint.

Up the Col du Telegraphe and over the  Col de Galibrier goes Carapaz, gaining 20 KOM points.

Then the Col de Sarenne. and lastly the Alpe d'Huez.

Up and over.

Now the descent.

It's Carapaz, Evenepoel and Kuss, 

Kuss crashes. Gets back on his bike.

Crashes again.

Gets on again, and still he comes third.

Evenepoel comes second and Carapaz takes the victory! 

Well done, the Ecuadorian rider.

And where is Tadej Pogacar?

Coming strategically fourth, arm in arm with Isaac del Toro.

What could be better than that?

Stage 19: Gap to Alpe d'Huez - Wondering

Another mountain stage, even harder.

It ends on the Alpe d'Huez.

Which is legendary, for its twenty one hairpin bends.

Everyone is wondering if Tadej Pogacar will win.

Including David and Vello.

They are not far behind Tadej right now.

I hear some of his team mates are ill, says David. It might make a difference.

I wonder what he thinks, says Vello.

What who thinks? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Tadej Pogacar, says David. 

Why don't you ask him? says Surfing-with-Whales.

That would be intrusive, says David.

Send out Terence's spy parrot, says Surfing-with-Whales.

What a good idea, says Vello.

So at the first feeding station he grabs his musette from Terence, not Belle.

And slows down.

Keep going! shouts Terence.

I will, says Vello, but I have a request.

They're donkeys ears, says Terence. 

What are? asks Vello.

In your lunch bag, says Terence. Belle said they're called donkey's ears. Not like that poo you had yesterday.

Vello is riding very slowly. Terence is running beside him. 

Otherwise they could not have this conversation.

I want you to ask your spy parrot to spy on Tadej Pogacar and learn his plans for today, says Vello.

Okay, says Terence.

He stops running, to give instructions to Prong.

Vello catches up with David.

Done, says Vello.

Probably not worth the bother, says David. And what do you call these?

He waves a donkey's ear at Vello.

Donkey's ears, says Vello.

Meanwhile Prong has a job to do.

She flies over Tadej Pogacar, who is riding in a comfortable manner in the midst of the peloton.

He is not talking.

She will need to be bold.

She lands on his shoulder.

Tadej emits a Slovenian swear word.

Sorry. I'll be quick, says Prong. How are you feeling and what is your plan?

I feel super good and my plan is always to do the best for my team, says Tadej. And now go away before you get me into trouble.

Prong flies away.

She wouldn't want to get Tadej Pogacar into trouble.

And she doesn't.

Tadej makes a move on the Alpe d'Huez, 13k from the summit.

He catches up with Carapaz and Martinez with 3k to go.

He distances them as he rides to his fifth win of the Tour.

So much for wondering about Tadej.