Acting A Florin

Do we weep while we're eating the food? asks Hedley.

I suppose so says Vello. 

What is the food? asks Sweezus.

Leftovers, says Arthur.

Where would they've found them in an earthquake? asks Sweezus.

In a pantry, says Arthur.

With the potatoes, says Terence.

Potatoes grow under the ground, says Hedley.

But after, says Terence.

Enough! says Vello. The food is unimportant.

So, says Gaius. After I'm seized by the henchman, what happens next?

He leads you away, says Vello. End of chapter.

And end of performance, says Denis. A bit flat, wouldn't you say.

I might add a few words, says Vello. 

Yeah, says Sweezus. You could mention the auto da fé.

I could, says Vello. 

We've still got the costumes, says Belle.

Can I wear one? asks Terence.

And me? asks Hedley.

Not you, says Terence. You've got two parts already.

No one is going to wear one, says Vello. It's chapter five only.

Plus your few words, says Denis. 

And the prequel, says Sweezus. 

What prequel? asks Vello.

Where we learn more about James the Anabaptist, says Sweezus. You agreed.

Did I? says Vello.

You did, says Denis. Why not let Sweezus handle the prequel?

What a good idea, says Vello. Let's see what he comes up with. 

Thanks boss, says Sweezus. 

Keep it short, says Vello. And no extras.

Except me, says Terence.

And no props, says Vello.

Just two florins, says Sweezus. To show my charitable nature.

No, says Vello.

One florin, says Terence. And I'll be the florin.

Good on you little buddy, says Sweezus.

Terence looks at Hedley.

Hedley is rolling his eyes.

As if Terence, who has never been to Theatre Bugs, could act the part of a florin.

Free Will Or Willy

Do we stand or sit for this dinner? asks Gaius.

Squat, says Vello. All the seats will be broken.

Then this desk is too high, says Denis.

All right, stand, says Vello. Now, action! Start weeping.

What's weeping? asks Terence.

Crying, says Hedley. Who doesn't know that?

Just checking, says Terence.

I'm not weeping, am I? asks Gaius.

Of course not, says Vello. Just say your lines.

Cheer up. Things could hardly be otherwise, says Gaius. The devastation is a manifestation of the rightness of things. Therefore all this has been for the best.

Belle turns to Gaius. 

It appears, sir, that you don't believe in original sin. For if all is for the best there can be no such thing as eternal punishment, says Belle.

I beg your pardon, excellency, says Gaius, but the fall of man and eternal punishment are of necessity part of the scheme of things.

I take it you don't believe in Free Will? asks Belle

Free Willy, says Terence.

Hedley giggles.

Hedley's mother frowns at Hedley.

Don't say Free Willy next time, says Vello. Just pour Belle a glass of port wine.

But she hasn't nodded, says Terence.

This is where timing comes in, says Vello. Start pouring the pretend wine into a pretend glass while watching for Belle's signal.

What if I spill it? asks Terence.

You can't spill pretend wine, says Vello. 

I could pretend to spill it, says Terence.

Don't do that, says Vello. Cue Gaius!

Your excellency, says Gaius. Free Will is consistent with Absolute Necessity, for it was ordained that we should be free.....

Belle nods at Terence.

Terence stops pouring pretend wine. 

Now you seize Dr Pangloss with your mechanical grabber, says Vello.

Terence doesn't have a mechanical grabber. Belle has not looked for it yet.

Too bad. He will seize Gaius with a pretend mechanical grabber.

Ouch! says Gaius.

Sorry, says Terence. 

What happened there? asks Vello.

Terence's bird claw, says Gaius. It's quite sharp.

Not everything is all for the best, says Denis.

That's the POINT, Denis, says Vello.

Terence is pleased. 

He has done something right.

A Mechanical Grabber

Are we going to read through the last scene now? asks Belle.

Just a quick run-through, says Vello.

Am I in it? asks Terence.

Yes, you're in it, says Belle. 

Do you know your lines? asks Hedley.

No, says Terence. 

You don't have any lines, says Belle. You sit beside me, at the dinner in the ruins.

You should ask for some lines, says Hedley.

Shut up, I'm going to, says Terence.

Wait, says Belle. You may not have lines, but you have important actions.

What actions? asks Terence.

And timing is everything, says Belle.

Woo! says Terence, looking at Hedley.

You are pouring me a glass of port wine as Dr Pangloss is speaking, says Belle. I nod at you. You stop pouring and seize Dr Pangloss.

How will Terence seize me? says Gaius. He's much smaller than I am.

I'm a big strong mean guy, says Terence.

But you don't look like one, says Hedley.

YOU don't look like a GIRL, says Terence.

That is true, says Hedley's mother. Acting is making the audience believe that you're someone other. Hedley learned that at Theatre Bugs.

Indeed, says Vello, but it helps to look the part, and Terence doesn't.

I have an idea, says Denis. He could use a mechanical grabber.

Yes! says Terence. 

I think I have one in the props box, says Belle. From when we had the red sheep.

Well, that's sorted, says Vello. The henchman will use a mechanical grabber. 

Where shall we sit for the dinner? asks Gaius. And how many are at it?

Let me see, says Vello. The four of you, plus some extras. 

The Anabaptist has already died, says Sweezus. I'll be an extra.

I'm off-stage with Hedley, says Arthur. I'll be one too.

And me, says Hedley.

And me, says Terence.

You're already on stage, says Hedley. You can't be two people on stage at the same time.

Bumhole! Even Terence can see that's not possible.

But Hedley has two parts.

And Terence wants two parts as well.

The Beauty Of Lines

Back to work, everyone, says Vello.

What next? asks Gaius.

You remonstrate with the sailor, says Vello.

As he is going off with Hedley? asks Gaius.

Yes, do you remember your lines? says Vello.

I tell him he has misjudged the occasion, by not obeying the universal rule of Reason, says Gaius.

What are my lines? asks Hedley.

You have no lines, says Vello. 

Hedley needs to have lines, says Hedley's mother.

All right, says Vello. Now then Hedley, you know the situation. Arthur is a villainous sailor. He has looted the ruins of Lisbon for money. He has got drunk and then looked for someone like you to go off with.

Okay, says Hedley. So what do I say?

Help! suggests Terence.

It depends on what Arthur comes up with, says Vello.

I'll come up with something, says Arthur.

Right! Action! says Vello.

Hello, lovely, says Arthur.

Hedley looks at his mother.

Hedley's mother looks encouraging.

Hello, sailor, says Hedley.

Thats good! says Terence.

Quiet! says Vello.

Do you like poetry? asks Arthur.

No, yes, maybe, says Hedley. I like SOME poetry.

You'd like mine, says Arthur. Let's go somewhere private.

Okay, says Hedley.

Cue Dr Pangloss! says Vello.

Gaius steps forward and grasps Arthur by the shoulder.

This will never do, my friend, says Gaius. You are not obeying the universal law of Reason.

Bloody hell! says Arthur. I'm a sailor! I'm not the man for your universal Reason.

I thought you were a poet, says Hedley.

My poetry has no rhyme or reason, says Arthur.

That's the sort of poetry I like, says Hedley.

His mother looks pleased.

Cue Candide! says Vello.

Me? says Denis.

Yes, put your beanie on, says Vello.

Denis takes the finger-knitted beanie out of his pocket and puts it back on.

He lies down.

Fetch me some wine and oil! I am dying, cries Denis.

Gaius turns away from the sailor and Hedley.

This earthquake is nothing new, says Gaius. The same thing happened in Lima. There must be a vein of sulphur running between them.

Nothing is more likely, says Denis. But oil and wine, for pity's sake!

Gaius mimes going to look for a fountain..

That's a wrap! says Vello. Good work everyone.

Great. 

And the best thing is, now Hedley has lines.

Nothing Could Be More Irrelevant

You should keep that beanie on all the time, says Vello.

It makes you look younger, says David.

Like Ageless, says Terence.

Thanks, says Denis.

He returns the hat to his pocket.

Belle comes in with some macarons on a plate.

We'll take a short break now, says Vello. 

When is Hedley's scene? asks Hedley's mother.

Coming up next, says Vello. Straight after the earthquake.

Can Hedley and me do the earthquake? asks Terence.

How would you do it? asks Vello.

Roll some rocks, says Terence. And make the scenery fall over.

But how can Hedley do that and be a girl of easy virtue? asks Hedley's mother.

Easy, says Hedley. I'll wear pants.

I don't think girls of easy virtue wore pants in those days, says David.

Hedley's mother looks shocked.

He means trousers, says Vello. 

Or trousers, says David. 

Don't worry, Hedley, says Belle. I'll fix you up with a suitable costume. And anyway, no one will see you doing the earthquake.

Or me, says Terence.

Or you, says Belle.

Arthur has eaten most of the macarons while the earthquake and pants were being settled.

Any more macarons? asks Sweezus.

No, says Belle. 

Everyone looks at Arthur.

Just staying in character, says Arthur.

Your character doesn't eat all the macarons, says Vello. He looks for money in the wreckage, gets drunk, and then buys the favours of Hedley.

Can he turn out to be something of a poet? asks Arthur

No, he can't, snaps Vello.

It might be nicer if Hedley goes off with a poet, says Hedley's mother. 

The sailor is a rough sort, says Vello. 

Maybe I could turn out to be something of a poet? says Hedley.

Ha ha! laughs Terence. 

What's wrong with that? asks Hedley.

Nothing, says Arthur. I've got a poem you could use. 

What's it about? asks Hedley.

Cycling up a hill on a forty degree plus day, says Arthur.

Nothing could be more irrelevant, says Vello. I forbid it.

He forbids it.

So will Arthur give up?

No Questions

Arthur, Gaius and Denis are now on the desk. 

Sweezus is on the floor having drowned.

Action! says Vello.

My benefactor has drowned! cries Denis! 

He leans forward as if to throw himself off the desk.

Don't do it! cries Gaius. It's reasonable to suppose that the harbour was made on purpose for the the Anabaptist to drown in

Do I argue with Dr Pangloss? asks Denis. 

No! says Vello. Fate intervenes. The ship splits in two.

We should have put two desks together, says David.

We'll do it next time, says Vello. Now, you all fall in. The sailor swims to shore and you two cling to a plank and float offstage in the same direction.

Am I wearing the beanie? asks Denis.

We'll decide that later, says Vello. 

Do we mime the plank? asks Gaius.

Mime the plank, says Vello.

The door of the office bursts open and Hedley runs in.

Hedley! says Terence. Guess what?

What? asks Hedley. 

I'm the hingeman, says Terence. 

What's the hingeman? asks Hedley.

A big strong mean guy who doesn't ask questions, says Terence.

Does that mean you don't have any lines? asks Hedley.

No QUESTIONS! says Terence.

Hedley's mother enters the office.

Hello, Hedley's mother, says Vello.

Hello, Vello, says Hedley's mother. Hedley is so excited. What part is he trying out for?

There is only one part not taken, says Vello. A girl of easy virtue. I'll understand if you don't want him to do it.

Hedley, says Hedley's mother. Do you mind playing a girl?

No, says Hedley.

A girl of easy virtue? adds Hedley's mother.

Whatever, says Hedley.

Does he have to demonstrate his easy virtue? asks Hedley's mother.

Not at all, says Vello. He just goes off with the drunken sailor. 

That's me, says Arthur. 

Oh hello, Arthur. says Hedley's mother. So you're the sailor. Is that a big part?

I'm thinking of making it bigger, says Arthur.

Oh are you? says Vello.

Hello Sweezus, says Hedley's mother, seeing him on the floor. Are you playing Candide again this year?

Nup. James the Anabaptist, says Sweezus. 

I'm playing Candide, says Denis. 

Hedley's mother looks doubtful. 

Isn't Denis too old?

Denis whips the finger-knitted beanie from his back pocket and puts it on.

It does make him look younger.

But Not Doing It

Next mornng, in the Velosophy office.

Vello is clearing his desk.

David is moving the chairs.

Sweezus and Arthur arrive.

Excellent, says Vello. Your scene is first. Have you prepared it?

Men were not born wolves, but they have become wolves, says Sweezus.

Very good, says Vello, but we're starting with the storm and shipwreck.

Yeah I know, but I need to establish my character,  says Sweezus. 

He probably does, agrees David. 

Then we'll begin with a prequel, says Vello. A short one.

Cool, says Sweezus. 

But right now it's the shipwreck, says Vello. It could be quite tricky.

Do we stand on the desk? asks Arthur.

Yes, says Vello. Both of you. And Denis and Gaius when they get here.

Sweezus and Arthur climb onto the desk.

Belle arrives with Terence.

Can I get on the desk? asks Terence.

Yes, you can stand in for Denis, says Vello.

He lifts Terence onto the desk.

Hello I'm Denis, says Terence in a man's voice, like Denis.

You don't say you're Denis, says Vello. You're playing the part of Candide, remember.

 Okay, says Terence, in the same voice. 

Who falls in first? asks Sweezus.

The sailor, says David. After whacking James the Anabaptist and laying him low on the poop deck, he loses his balance.

Ready? says Arthur.

He whacks Sweezus, and falls backwards, off the desk.

Thud.

Shit! You okay? asks Sweezus.

You're supposed to be dangling over the side, says Vello. 

Arthur sits up to a dangling position.

Now pull him aboard, says Vello.

Sweezus pulls Arthur up onto the desk.

Now you fall in, says Vello.

What do I do? asks Terence.

You watch as he disappears under the waves, says Vello.

Do I have an expression? asks Terence.

Look as though you want to throw yourself in after him, says Belle. But don't do it.

Terence tries to figure out a wanting-to-do-something-but-not-doing-it expression.

Acting is hard.

Denis arrives with Gaius.

At last, says Vello. Terence is standing in for you.

Sorry, says Denis. I've been completing the beanie.

Right, says Vello. Terence off! Denis and Gaius on the desk!

What's been happening? asks Denis.

You're looking like you want to do something but not doing it, says Terence. Like this see?

He screws up his features.

You mean like a fart? asks Denis.

Terence is offended.