What Is The Truth?

Ageless is silent.

Be honest, says Vello.

But what is the truth?

Ageless had only wanted to be on the stage a bit longer.

So what was the question? asks Ageless.

Why were there two Candides on stage at once? asks the person who asked the question the first time.

I'll leave that for you to interpret, says Ageless.

What's the point of a Q and A then? asks the person.

All right, says Ageless. You could say I was portraying Candide's alter ego.

By warning the sailor of danger? asks the person.

Exactly, says Ageless. Candide has been injured by flying splinters. But had he not been, he would have said what he said to the sailor.

Was it part of the script? asks the person.

No, it wasn't, says Vello. 

Would it have been if you'd thought of it? asks the person.

No, it wouldn't, says Vello. But I don't mind if my actors ad lib occasionally. Does that answer your question?

No, says the person. What about when the lobster Candide brings the human Candide a bottle of water?

What about it? asks Ageless. 

Alter egos don't give themselves bottles of water, says the person.

Have you got one? asks Ageless.

A bottle of water? asks the person.

An alter ego, says Ageless.

Are you suggesting I don't know what alter egos can and can't do? asks the person.

That will do, says Vello. We've spent enough time on that question. Any more questions?

Yes, a question for the girl of easy virtue, says an audience member.

Hedley steps forward.

What school is that tie from? asks the person.

Saint Peters, says Hedley.

Did you obtain permission? asks the person.

Yes, says Hedley.

From the school? asks the person.

No, says Hedley. 

Don't you think its a bit rich playing a girl of easy virtue in a Saint Peters tie? asks the person.

Hedley peers at the person. Shit! It's the principal. Think, Hedley!

The sailor steps forward.

I made him do it, says the sailor. The tie is a symbol of intellectual curiosity. Which is why his character is interested in Coleridge's poetry, and mine for that matter.

The principal is charmed. Why wouldn't he be? 

Will you give us a rendition of your poem? asks the principal.

Sure, says the sailor.

Hedley steps back, having dodged a bullet.

Where Was Who Going?

Everything goes dark on the stage.

It it a power. cut?

No. There are tiny lights in the trees. 

The Ferris wheel over there appears to be working.

The stage lights come back on.

The cast appears, smiling and bowing, including the lobster.

Vello enters.

There will now be a short Q and A, says Vello. I hope you will stay, in spite of the drizzle.

When do we get our free torches? calls someone.

We won't be handing out free torches, says Vello. They weren't needed, so they'll go back to Bunnings.

Can we keep the umbrellas? asks another person.

Margaret is alarmed. 

No! says Margaret. The umbrellas are the property of the Geological Society. I'll be collecting them later.

Several audience members stand up. No free stuff. So they're leaving.

However, adds Vello, the sailor may have a surprise for those of you who are staying.

Those audience members sit down again. 

Squelch! Their seats have got wet.

Now, says Vello, any questions regarding the play?

Where were they going? asks someone.

Who going? asks Vello.  And when?

At the end, says the someone. When Pangloss got grabbed by the florin.

That wasn't the florin, says Vello. That was the Inquisitor's henchman.

You could see his yellow socks, says the someone.

None the less, no one has ever been marched off by a florin, says Vello.

Okay, says the someone. So where were they going?

To be questioned, arrested and detained, says Vello. Then, forced to participate in an auto da fé. Any more questions?

Why were there two Candides after the drowning? asks someone from Bunnings.

Good spotting, says Vello. Yes, there were two Candides on stage at the same time.

But why? asks the person from Bunnings.

I shall let the lobster explain that , says Vello. Step forward, Ageless.

Ageless steps forward. 

He wears the red knitted beanie. But has regained his own face.

The audience is expectant.

What will he say?

Ageless is asking himself the same question.

Dinner In The Ruins

Vello comes on again.

Dinner in the ruins, says Vello.

Both of the desks are now upright.

Several figures appear round the makeshift table.

Candide, Pangloss, a stranger in a dark cloak, two citizens in rags, and two smaller people. 

The smaller people are wearing oversize jumpers and beanies.

One wears yellow socks.

That's the florin! whispers an audience member to her companion. I remember those socks.

The characters on stage are eating sadly.

Cheer up citizens, says Pangloss. Things could not be otherwise than they are. So everything that happens must be for the best.

The stranger in the dark cloak stops eating.

It appears, sir, that you do not believe in original sin. For if all is for the best there can be no such thing as the Fall of Man and Eternal Punishment.

Now? says the smaller person in the yellow socks.

Not yet, says the stranger.

I beg your Excellency's pardon, says Pangloss, but I must point out that the fall of Man and Eternal Punishment are of Necessity part of the best of all possible worlds.

Now, says the stranger.

The smaller person in the yellow socks extracts a mechanical grabber from under his jumper.

He uses the grabber to lift up a jug.

The stranger holds a glass out. 

Then you do not believe in Free Will, sir, says the stranger.

Excuse me, says Pangloss. Free Will is consistent with Absolute Necessity. For the Will that is Determined.....

The stranger nods at Yellow Socks.

Yellow Socks stops pouring. 

He opens the grabber. The jug falls to the desk.

Lucky there was nothing in it.

Yellow Socks grabs Pangloss's wrist with the grabber.

Pangloss stands up. 

Yellow socks wasn't ready. He has let go of his end of the grabber.

Pangloss hands the end back to Yellow Socks.

Thank you, says Yellow Socks.

He leads Pangloss away.

The stranger looks at Candide.

You too, says the stranger.

I haven't said anything, says Candide.

You have listened with an air of approval, says the stranger. 

The stranger leads Candide away.

The remainder of the diners continue to eat sadly.

Furious For A Reason

Vello returns to the stage.

After the earthquake, says Vello.

He exits the stage.

I didn't get that, whispers one Bunnings employee to another.

After the earthquake, whispers the other.

No, I meant when we saw the lobster again after it was supposed to have turned back into a human, whispers the first one.

Yeah, me either, says the Bunnings employee. 

There's not enough dialogue, says the other.

Shh! says Hedley's mother.

She is particularly sensitive because Hedley is in the next part.

Yes. It's started. The sailor is talking to Hedley. 

Hedley looks nice in his kilt. 

Pangloss goes over to remonstrate with the sailor.

This won't do, my friend, says Pangloss. What about the universal rule of Reason?

Bloody hell! says the sailor. I am a sailor and I was born in Batavia. I've been four times to Japan. I'm not the man for your Universal Reason.

The sailor turns to Hedley.

Do you like poetry?

No, yes, maybe, says Hedley.

You'll like this one, says the sailor. It is an ancient mariner, and he stoppeth one of three...

Coleridge, whispers Hedley's mother to one of her friends.

Nice touch, says the friend.

Come with me. I'll show you one I wrote myself, says the sailor. It's called Climbing the Hill.

I can't wait, sailor dear, says Hedley.

The sailor drapes an arm around Hedley and they exit together.

The audience claps even though it's not finished.

They liked the chemistry between the sailor and Hedley.

Candide  is lying on the ground calling to Pangloss. Wine and oil ! I am dying!

Pangloss is thinking aloud.

This earthquake is nothing new. Lima had similar shocks last year. The same causes produce the same effects. There must be a vein of sulphur ....

He stops. Why is the audience laughing?

The lobster has returned with a bottle of springwater. He has Candide's face. And the red knitted hat on.

He offers the water to Candide, who looks furious for some reason.

Dangerous What You're Doing

Vello comes on again. 

Earthquake, says Vello.

He goes off.

Pebbles are rolled across the stage. 

The plank topples out from the wings.

The desks shake and wobble. One overturns.

Dark figures caused this to happen.

Three persons stagger on, from stage left. 

First the sailor, then Pangloss, and the third is Candide, once again being played by Denis.

That's clever, whispers one of Hedley's mother's friends.

Yes, nods another. 

What can be the reason for this phenomenon? asks Pangloss.

The Day of Judgement has come! cries Candide.

The sailor makes his way past the upturned desk and starts rummaging through the pebbles.

 A lobster appears from stage right.

It's dangerous, what you're doing, says the lobster.

What do I care! says the sailor. There'll be good pickings here. 

He picks up a few coins and a bottle.

Now I'm off to find a girl of easy virtue, says the sailor.

Good luck, says the lobster.

The sailor exits the stage.

Candide and Pangloss stare at the lobster.

It still has Candide's face and a red knitted hat on.

Should they address it, or ignore it?

The sailor reappears, and heads straight for the lobster

Come with me! says the sailor. 

Ageless has no choice in the matter. 

He is manhandled away.

Woosh Rumble Cruurck

So that was the prequel.

Sweezus and Terence leave the stage.

Vello appears again.

Behind him, two desks are dragged out, by Arthur and Gaius.

Scene One, says Vello. Tempest and shipwreck. The vessel is pitching and tossing.

He withdraws.

Oh look! There are four people on the desks now.

One is James the Anty, without his florin. Another is obviously a sailor. A third is a man who might be anyone. And a fourth is wearing a red knitted hat and an ankle bandage. This must be Candide.

Sound effects simulate a tempest.

Woosh! Rumble! Cruurck!

Water sloshes across the stage, as from a bucket.

The sailor falls overboard and dangles.

James hauls him back on, and then falls in himself.

The audience holds its collective breath.

Is this when he turns into a lobster?

But no. It's Candide who'll turn into a lobster, and he's just staring at the water as though he's supressing a fart. Although in a tempest why would you bother?

Crack! The desks draw apart, thanks to ropes, barely visible.

Candide sits down on the edge of a desk and edges his way to the dark side.

O wow! He seems to have disappeared altogether.

And lo! A lobster in a red knitted hat has appeared in his place. 

Not exactly in his place. But right next to it.

And look at the lobster! It has Candide's face.

Crack crack! the sailor falls overboard. As does the third man who must be Dr Pangloss. And now the lobster. 

Ageless is making the most of his part as Candide.

He stands up and teeters. 

He makes various facial expressions which he does not know no one can see.

He topples.

Another bucketload of water sloshes towards him.

Woosh!

He flails about in the water.

Splash-plash!

Dr Pangloss is flailing beside him. 

A plank appears, shoved onstage from the wings. 

Pangloss grabs one end. Ageless the other.

Ageless clambers onto it.

Pangloss looks surprised. This was not meant to happen.

Ageless is making victorious gestures.

Pangloss pushes the plank off the stage.

A dark figure gets down from the desk and hobbles off stage after them

This must be the end of Scene One. 

Weeping Potatoes

The audience has been let through the gate. 

Margaret has handed out all her umbrellas, and then gone backstage.

Did you have enough umbrellas? asks Katherine.

No, says Margaret. Some people are sharing.

That's nice, says Katherine. Did you keep one for yourself?

No, says Margaret. 

You can share mine, says Katherine. Let's go and sit down.

The seats are wet, says Belle. Some people are complaining.

Have you got an old towel? asks Margaret.

Belle finds an old rag at the bottom of the prop box, and gives it to Margaret.

Margaret and Katherine look for two vacant seats.

Here Margaret! calls a member of the Geological Society. We've saved a seat for you!

Are there two seats? asks Margaret. 

If we move along one, says the member.

They all move along one.

So Margaret's seat is warm and dry.

Katherine wipes the wet one they were saving for Margaret.

And sits down.

Weren't we supposed to get torches? asks one of the members.

Only in the case of a power cut, says Katherine.

Hush, says Margaret. It's starting.

And it is.

Vello has come onto the stage.

Welcome to our show, all you brave people, says Vello. I see you are well prepared for a tempest and shipwreck. There will be a change in the cast for tonight's performance. Denis Diderot will be playing Candide until he falls overboard, after which his part will be played by a lobster. Once he has swum ashore Denis will take over the part again. This calls for a willing suspension of disbelief on your part. Are you up fot it?

Yes! Yes! call one or two people.

Why a lobster? calls out a member of the Geological Society. Why not another human?

Because the lobster knows the part, says Vello. No more questions, please. There'll be a Q and A later. Enjoy the show, everyone!

He leaves the stage.

Sweezus and Terence come on.

Sweezus is in his plain Anabaptist costume, and Terence is dressed as a florin with an umbrella.

I am a florin, says Terence. And this is James the Anty my generous master. He gave me to Candide when he was down and out, and no one else would help him. 

Terence dances around Sweezus two times, with the open umbrella.

Sweezus makes necessary movements, avoiding the spokes.

Terence stops dancing with his back to the audience so that they can have a good view of the potatoes.

Water has dripped from the umbrella onto the potatoes.

They look like weeping potatoes.

The more knowledgeable of the audience ponder the significance of weeping potatoes on the back of a florin.