The Day After: A Squeeze

The next day, in Montmartre. 

Teams Philosophe and Condor are having lunch at La Crème de Paris.

They are thinking of ordering crepes.

What's emmental rapé? asks Sweezus.

Grated cheese, says Arthur.

Okay, so what's jambon de dinde? asks Sweezus.

Turkey ham, says Arthur.

WTF!

Sweezus is not having turkey ham. He orders the saumon fumé, with emmental rapé.

Arthur orders the Nutella banane.

Surfing-with-Whales orders the same.

Gaius orders a nature, in other words a plain crepe.

David and Vello are considering their options.

What can I have? asks Terence.

Well... says Belle. I'll order the creme légère with fruits rouges and see what we get.

What are fruitsroojes? asks Terence.

Red fruits says Belle. There's sure to be something to squeeze. If not you'll just have to have a Ribena.

Terence hopes there is something to squeeze.

Vello and David both decide to go classic and order the sucre citron.

One or two well wishers pass their table.

Bravo les gars! says one .

Bravo tout le monde! says another.

That's nice of them, says Vello. 

Hey, says Terence. What happens next?

Our crepes will come and we'll eat them, says Vello.

I mean after, says Terence.

Some well-earned relaxation, says Sweezus.

Not much of that, says Vello. You have work to do back in the office.

People work ftrom home nowadays, says Belle.

Yeah boss, says Sweezus. I can work from here in Paris.

Can you work from Barcelona? asks Terence.

Yeah but ... why would I? asks Sweezus.

If you had to go and rescue somone from a palace, says Terence.

No way, says Sweezus. 

What if it was your sister! says Surfing-with-Whales.

Yes! says Terence. And she was in danger!

She isn't in danger, says Sweezus.

Not yet, says Terence.

It seems you admit the existence of this sister, says David.

Ha ha, yes, says Vello. Perhaps you should go there and see.

Yay! says Terence. Does that mean we're going?

But the crepes have arrived and there are questions more pressing.

Such as: What are the fruits rouges?

Can they be squeezed into something that Terence can swallow?

Without a digestive problem ensuing.

Stage 21: Paris Champs Elysées - Worthwhile

At last the final stage.

Shortened because France is burning.

But that need not concern us now.

The riders do seven laps of the Champs Elysées.

The crowds cheer.

There goes ... who are those guys?

One has a parrot on his shoulder.

The other two look quite old.

One of the older ones is waving at the crowd as though he is famous.

Stop waving, says David. 

They love me, says Vello.

But it's not over yet, says David.

Isnt it? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

It is and it isn't, says David.

Very true, says Vello. I'll stop waving. 

When we've gone up and down Montmartre three times, that's when to start waving, says David.

I'll remember that, says Vello.

Me too, says Surfing-with-Whales.

I'll remind you, says Prong

Time to ditch that parrot, says Vello.

Don't worry, I'm going, says Prong.

She flies off to Montmartre.

Landing on Terence's shoulder.

How are they doing? asks Belle.

Arguing about waving, says Prong.

That's a good sign, says Belle. I thought they'd tired themselves out yesterday.

What about Sweezus? asks Terence. Did you see him?

I flew over him, says Prong. But I didn't land on his shoulder. I don't think he likes me.

He does like you, says Terence.

How do you know? asks Prong.

Because I like you , says Terence. And we're the same person.

What nonsense, says Belle. You and he are not the same person.

We're going to be, says Terence.

No you're not, says Belle. Have you forgotten you're Spanish?

Yes... no, says Terence. And I'm going to ask him to take me back to Barcelona to rescue his sister.

Belle laughs. 

Like this is going to happen.

The race is heating up, by the way.

Up to Montmartre. Once. Twice. Three times. 

Last chance you guys!

Who's in front now?

Matthieu Van der Poel, Jasper Philipsen, Mads Pedersen.......

Van der Poel accelerates with 600 metres to go.

Whah! He wins it.

Look at him now, breathing heavily.

He looks utterly knackered.

But no doubt he thinks it worthwhile.

Stage 20: Le Bourg d'Oisans to Alpe D'Huez - Better

This stage will be the hardest.

There are three HC climbs.

All the GC riders are determined to do at least something.

Including Richard Carapaz.

Let's keep an eye out for him.

Vello and David make their way up the first HC climb, the Col de la Croix de Fer.

Gaius rides up behind them.

Taking it easy? asks Gaius.

Very funny, says Vello. Where are Sweezus and Arthur?

Not far behind me, says Gaius. Where is Surfing-with-Whales?

We don't know, says Vello.

That's not very helpful.

Let's find out for ourselves.

Sweezus and Arthur are trying to keep up with Pablo. 

Pablo is trying to catch up with Surfing-with-Whales.

They all catch up together.

Hey, says Surfing-with-Whales. Are we near the top of this thing yet?

We have to be, says Sweezus. Look at the crowds.

The crowds look back at them.

Who are these guys?

They cheer and clap and flap cardboard signs anyway.

And Richard Carapaz?

He went over the summit a long time ago, with several rivals.

And down they go for the intermediate sprint.

Mads Pedersen wins the intermediate sprint.

Up the Col du Telegraphe and over the  Col de Galibrier goes Carapaz, gaining 20 KOM points.

Then the Col de Sarenne. and lastly the Alpe d'Huez.

Up and over.

Now the descent.

It's Carapaz, Evenepoel and Kuss, 

Kuss crashes. Gets back on his bike.

Crashes again.

Gets on again, and still he comes third.

Evenepoel comes second and Carapaz takes the victory! 

Well done, the Ecuadorian rider.

And where is Tadej Pogacar?

Coming strategically fourth, arm in arm with Isaac del Toro.

What could be better than that?

Stage 19: Gap to Alpe d'Huez - Wondering

Another mountain stage, even harder.

It ends on the Alpe d'Huez.

Which is legendary, for its twenty one hairpin bends.

Everyone is wondering if Tadej Pogacar will win.

Including David and Vello.

They are not far behind Tadej right now.

I hear some of his team mates are ill, says David. It might make a difference.

I wonder what he thinks, says Vello.

What who thinks? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Tadej Pogacar, says David. 

Why don't you ask him? says Surfing-with-Whales.

That would be intrusive, says David.

Send out Terence's spy parrot, says Surfing-with-Whales.

What a good idea, says Vello.

So at the first feeding station he grabs his musette from Terence, not Belle.

And slows down.

Keep going! shouts Terence.

I will, says Vello, but I have a request.

They're donkeys ears, says Terence. 

What are? asks Vello.

In your lunch bag, says Terence. Belle said they're called donkey's ears. Not like that poo you had yesterday.

Vello is riding very slowly. Terence is running beside him. 

Otherwise they could not have this conversation.

I want you to ask your spy parrot to spy on Tadej Pogacar and learn his plans for today, says Vello.

Okay, says Terence.

He stops running, to give instructions to Prong.

Vello catches up with David.

Done, says Vello.

Probably not worth the bother, says David. And what do you call these?

He waves a donkey's ear at Vello.

Donkey's ears, says Vello.

Meanwhile Prong has a job to do.

She flies over Tadej Pogacar, who is riding in a comfortable manner in the midst of the peloton.

He is not talking.

She will need to be bold.

She lands on his shoulder.

Tadej emits a Slovenian swear word.

Sorry. I'll be quick, says Prong. How are you feeling and what is your plan?

I feel super good and my plan is always to do the best for my team, says Tadej. And now go away before you get me into trouble.

Prong flies away.

She wouldn't want to get Tadej Pogacar into trouble.

And she doesn't.

Tadej makes a move on the Alpe d'Huez, 13k from the summit.

He catches up with Carapaz and Martinez with 3k to go.

He distances them as he rides to his fifth win of the Tour.

So much for wondering about Tadej.

Stage 18: Voiran to Orcières-Merlette - Boost

A mountain stage.

Things will start to get tough now.

Riders battle to form a breakaway.

Sweezus stays back. 

What's the plan? asks Arthur.

Stay out of trouble, says Sweezus. 

Good plan, says Arthur.

I agree, says Gaius. It wouldn't do to peak early.

They ride steadily.

Prong is flying above them.

Spying.

She flies back to Terence.

Are they winning? asks Terence.

Not yet, says Prong. They don't want to peak early.

Peek at what? asks Terence.

Not that kind of peeking, says Belle. They must be saving their efforts for the final climb. 

What if it's too late then? asks Terence.

That will be bad luck for them, says Belle. But I've put some great treats in their musettes today.

Can I look? asks Terence.

Okay have a quick look, says Belle.

Terence peeks into one of the musettes Belle holds out to him.

It's full of poo! says Terence.

It may look like poo, says Belle. That's something which can't be avoided.

What is it? asks Terence.

The long brown ones or the round black ones? asks Belle.

ALL OF THEM! says Terence.

The brown ones are diots de Savoie, says Belle. Pork sausages with nutmeg and cheese. And the round black ones are Bugey truffles.

Yuck! says Terence. They stink!

But they'll taste delicious and give them a boost of energy, says Belle.

Prong, says Terence, fly back and tell them what they're getting.

Okay, says Prong.

Tell them there's plum cake and aniseed flavoured water as well, says Belle.

Prong flies off, with a long list of items to remember.

She flies over Richard Carapaz, who has made it into a breakaway. 

And is now battling for KOM points with Paret-Peintre. 

Which means she has flown too far ahead of Team Condor.

She turns back.

And lands on Sweezus's handlebar.

Scheisse! says Sweezus. Get off!

I know you find us birds creepy, says Prong, but I come with a warning.

Yeah what? asks Sweezus. Go and tell Arthur.

Prong transfers to Arthur.

What is it? asks Arthur. You're weighing me down, and blocking my view. 

Terence sent me to warn you about the poo in your musettes, says Prong. Don't worry it's edible.

She flies off. 

That is all the warning those rude guys will get.

Arthur decides not to tell Sweezus what Prong said.

It can't be true anyway. 

So the musettes, when they get them, contain a pleasant surprise. 

Sausages and truffles.

They get a big boost of energy.

And the aniseed flavoured water is nice.

They arrive at the finish in Orcières hardly depleted.

Of course they are a long way behind Richard Carapaz.

Who arrived solo, some time before them, and came first

Stage 17: Chambéry to Voiron - Hats Off

A flat stage.

Mads Pedersen is planning to win it.

But so are some others.

The teams ride out from Chambéry.

They make their way up the Col de Basse.

For a flat stage, it's hilly.

David and Vello are grumbling.

I was led to believe it was flat, says David.

So was I, says Vello. It was classified as flat.

You guys should have looked at the profile, says Surfing-with-Whales.

We shouldn't have needed to look at the profile, says Vello.

Yeah well, says Surfing-with-Whales. There are four climbs before it flattens and a sprint near the end.

That is helpful, says Vello. And how did you do yesterday?

You should know, says Surfing-with-Whales.

That's why I'm asking, says Vello.

Middling, says Surfing-with-Whales.  Got the same time as Pablo.

So Pablo was middling as well, says David. 

Whereas we... begins Vello.

I know how you did, says Surfing-with-Whales. But hats off for trying.

I blame the rest day picnic, says David. We overindulged, and did no exercise whatsoever.

That's what rest days are for, says Vello. Why didn't you come to the picnic?

I was testing the sprint course with Pablo, says Surfing-with-Whales. And he gave me some feedback.

Feedback? says Vello. On what?

My poem, says Surfing-with-Whales. Apparently I'm too hung up on one form.

The limerick! says David.

How'd you know? asks Surfing-with-Whales. 

Because your poem about Sweezus's sister was a limerick, says David. 

I didn't even know it WAS a limerick, says Surfing-with-Whales. Anyway. My next one's on hold.

What a pity, says Vello. Or perhaps a good thing. Now why don't you speed up and lead us up the next mountain.

No worries, says Surfing-with-Whales. Follow me.

If only it were that easy.

The Col des Prés is Cat 3, and bendy.

And how are the favourites going?

Breaking away, being reeled back, attacking, keeping their heads down, and so on.

Let's not bother with any more details. 

Does Mads Pedersen win?

No.

Who then?

Jasper Philipsen, followed by Mauro Schmid and Olav Kooij.

We've all heard of them.

Stage 16: Evian-les-bains to Thonon-les-bains - Long Statement

Today it's the individual time trials.

Sweezus is waiting to go.

Terence is waiting with him.

Wish me luck, little buddy, says Sweezus.

Okay, says Terence.

You have to actually say it, says Sweezus.

Good luck, says Terence.

But it is Terence who needs good luck right now

A gendarme is approaching, having located the young person who poured Ribena into the swan fountain yesterday.

The gendarme is about to nab Terence.

When - putain!  A parrot lands on his shoulder.

The gendarme is distracted.

Allez! Mechant peroquet!

It's only a parrot, says Sweezus. Keep still for a second.

I hate birds, says the gendarme.

Me too, normally, says Sweezus. They give me the creeps. 

Oh DO they? says Prong.

Merde! The peroquet parle! says the gendarme.

What? says Terence.

Parle! says the gendarme. Speak.

I was, says Terence. But I wasn't asking you anyway.

He was asking me, says Sweezus. I was indicating that he should try and get away.

Me? says Terence. Why should I?

Because, says the gendarme, you are a suspect.

Next rider is Sweezus, of Team Condor! announces the announcer.

Shit! Gotta go! says Sweezus.

Bonne chance, monsieur, says the gendarme.

Sweezus speeds off to the chute.

Belle arrives to watch Sweezus go down it.

Guess what? I'm a suspect, says Terence.

Oui, says the gendarme. This boy is a suspect. Are you his maman?

Non, says Belle. He is my assistant. 

He was seen polluting a fountain, on the rest day,  says the gendarme.

It must have been an accident, says Belle. He probably tripped and spilt his Ribena.

The swan itself claims otherwise, says the gendarme.

That swan's a bad sport, says Prong.

Argh! says the gendarme, who had forgotten Prong was still on his shoulder.

Come down, Prong, says Belle.

I shall need a statement, says the gendarme.

So Prong flies down to Terence's shoulder.

Belle gives the gendarme a statement.

It is very long statement, including the recipe for farcement, and galette comtoise.

So long that she misses seeing Arthur, Gaius, Vello and David go down the chute.

And not only them.

She is still giving it, when Remco Evenepoel sets off on his way to a win.

And when Tadej Pogacar sets off, and comes second.