Down And Out

What if they don't know it's me, says Terence.

They'll soon guess, says Belle.

How? asks Terence. They might think I'm Hedley.

Hedley is taller, says Belle.

But I'm on first! says Terence.

They'll know when you dance, says Sweezus.

Yes! says Terence. Let's practise the dancing!

Okay, dude, says Sweezus.

Don't you have work to do? says Vello. 

This won't take long, says Sweezus.

He stands next to Terence.

Want to dance before or after? asks Sweezus.

Before or after what? asks Terence,

Before or after you say your lines, says Sweezus.

Terence has forgotten his lines, so he chooses before.

He dances around Sweezus two times and stops.

Could you see the potatoes? asks Terence.

Yes we could see them, says Belle. And your legs are unmistakable.

Why? asks Terence.

No one else has cement legs, says Belle.

What about when I put my yellow socks on? asks Terence.

We'll roll the tops down, says Belle. 

Happy? asks Sweezus. Now say your lines.

Haven't you got work to do? asks Terence.

If you've forgotten them, say so, says Sweezus. 

Give me a clue, says Terence.

I am a florin, says Sweezus.

Wait, says Terence, you're not the florin.

No, you are, says Sweezus. That's what you say. I am a florin and this is James the Anabaptist my generous master. Then you dance round me again, before saying the rest of it.

The rest of it? says Terence.

He gave me to Candide when he was .... hints Sweezus 

Down and out! says Terence, remembering. 

Well done Terence! says Belle.

Yes, well done Terence, for remembering the words down and out.

They must have appealed to him somehow.

In A Dark Voice With Pauses

There are fewer people in the Velosophy office.

Gaius, Denis and Ageless have left.

Arthur is half way through the door

Remember to practise your poem, says Vello.

Don't need to, says Arthur.

You do, says Vello. You need to impress Hedley's mother.

Arthur stops, turns and says in a dark voice, with pauses, It is... an ANCIENT mariner...

Very good, says Vello. She'll like that.

Doesn't sound much like a sailor, says David.

As long as he looks like a sailor, says Vello.

Arthur escapes through the door.

How come we're sucking up to Hedley's mother? asks Sweezus.

It's too late to replace Hedley, says Vello. And the audience loves him.

And they love me, says Terence. 

And you, says Vello. They'll love you as a florin.

Stand still, Terence, says Belle. I want you to try on the florin costume.

Terence stands still.

Belle slips the florin costume over his head.

Two cardboard circles, joined at the shoulders with string.

Can you see through the eyeholes? asks Belle.

No, says Terence.

Too high or too low? asks Belle.

Both, says Terence.

They can't be both, says Belle. 

They're too high, I'm too low, says Terence.

I'll make two more holes, lower down, says Belle.

Not in the potatoes! says Terence.

No, in the fleur de lys, says Belle. Take the costume off. I don't want to be poking your eyes out.

Terence wriggles out of the costume.

Belle makes two more eyeholes.

Terence steps into the costume again.

Can you see now? asks Belle.

Yes! says Terence. What do I look like?

I'll take a photo and show you, says Belle. 

She takes photos of Terence in his florin costume, front and back.

She shows them to Terence.

Terence is not entirely happy.

The audience might love him.

But how will they know that it's him?

Soon Be The Sun

Sweezus sits up from his rolling position.

Good potato, says Sweezus.

Too bad we have to paint over it, says Ageless.

Because we need two potatoes, says Terence.

The same size, says Ageless.

We had a small one and a big one, says Terence.

And I painted over the small one, says Ageless.

And we had to wait till it dried, says Terence.

So now what? asks Sweezus.

Now I draw two potatoes, says Terence.

On top of that one? asks Sweezus.

I'll blur the edges, says Ageless. No one will know it started off as a larger potato.

But it will still be two potatoes inside a thing with blurred edges, says Sweezus.

They have to be inside something, says Ageless.

The sun! says Terence.

Yeah, says Sweezus. The sun's kind of blurry.

Are we agreed then? asks Ageless. 

Yes! says Terence. Shall I start drawing?

The sooner the better, says Ageless. 

Terence draws two potatoes inside the large one that will soon be the sun.

Arthur comes over to see how the potato is going.

Three potatoes? says Arthur.

One's a sun, says Sweezus. Ageless is blurring the edges.

Pity no one's going to see them, says Arthur.

Why? asks Terence.

Because they're on the back of the florin, says Arthur.

Terence had not thought of that.

You can turn around once or twice, says Sweezus. 

But there'd have to be a reason, says  Arthur. 

Dancing! says Terence.

If Vello will let you, says Arthur. 

Why wouldn't he? asks Sweezus.

He won't let me use my own poem, says Arthur.

Has he written a new one? asks Sweezus.

No, says Arthur. He's picked an old one, that goes: It is an ancient mariner, and he stoppeth one of three...

Classy! says Ageless. 

Who asked you? says Arthur.

Sweezus remembers it from English at school. It was long.

All of it? asks Sweezus.

No just up to 'wherefore stopp'st thou me', says Arthur.

Lucky! says Sweezus.

Which makes Arthur feel a bit better.

Ageless returns to his painting.

Two potatoes, bright yellow, enclosed by a large blurry sun.

A Subsequent Pickle

Right, says Vello. I think we've rehearsed enough scenes for today.

Can we run through the shipwreck again? asks Sweezus.

If you do it without using my desk, says Vello. 

But I have to fall into the sea, says Sweezus.

So do I, says Arthur.

Improvise, says Vello. And quietly. I need to come up with a poem.

For the sailor? asks Denis.

Yes, for the sailor, says Vello.

He drags his chair back to his desk, sets up his laptop, and stares at the screen.

What's a good poem for a sailor?

Should it be seductive? No. The sailor has already paid the girl for her favours.

The important thing is that Hedley should like it. And also his mother.

Having trouble? asks David.

Yes, David, says Vello. Are you busy?

Not at the moment, says David. 

This poem I'm writing, says Vello. It needs to suit too many people.

Including Hedley's mother, says David. 

They both stare at Vello's blank screen.

I've got it! says David. She won't object to Coleridge.

The Rime!  says Vello. 

The Rime, says David. Now, how does it go?

Neither of them remember, except for the albatross.

David calls it up on his phone:

It is an ancient mariner, And he stoppeth one of three, By thy long grey beard and glittering eye, Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?

Perfect.

That's one problem solved.

Meanwhile Sweezus, Gaius, Denis and Arthur are standing on the prop box, tightly packed.

Who falls in first? asks Sweezus.

Me, says Arthur.

He falls backwards from the box to the floor.

Crack! Lucky he lives a charmed life.

You're supposed to be dangling, says Sweezus.

I can't dangle from the prop box, says Arthur.

Sweezus pulls him back onto the prop box and falls in himself.

That's me, drowned, says Sweezus, rolling away. 

Now the ship splits in two, says Gaius. 

Arthur, Denis and Gaius try various means of making that seem to happen.

Sweezus rolls into the corner where Terence and Ageless are working on the potato.

The paint has now dried.

Creating a subsequent pickle.

Progress Of Sorts

Cool poem, says Sweezus. Is that your Willy Hill one?

Yes, says Arthur.

There's no place in Candide for a Willy Hill poem, says Vello.

And Hedley's mother wouldn't like it, says Belle.

That's beside the point, says Vello. 

Did I mention Willy Hill in the poem? asks Arthur. I didn't.

Yeah it could be about anywhere, or anything, says Sweezus

True, says Gaius. But we know it's about cycling in horrendous conditions.

The knees give it away, says Denis.

If you tweak it to be about the Lisbon earthquake I might reconsider, says Vello. 

Forget it, says Arthur.

Your choice, says Vello. Very well, I'll write the poem.

Go ahead, says Arthur. 

Let's get on with the rehearsal, says Denis. I've got other things to do.

Me too, says Terence.

He goes back to the circle of cardboard to work on his potato.

Ageless is already there, painting it yellow.

You painted over the first potato, says Terence.

You only need one potato, says Ageless.

I need two potatoes, says Terence. One for each saint.

Then they should be the same size, says Ageless.

Okay, says Terence. Let's start again.

You'll have to wait till the paint dries, says Ageless.

Can't you just wipe it off? asks Terence.

If I did that, it would reveal the original smaller potato, says Ageless.

So what? says Terence. 

There would be three potatoes, says Ageless. One more than we want.

Okay, let's wait, says Terence. 

We'll watch the rehearsal, says Ageless. 

Denis has put on his red finger-knitted hat, which isn't quite finished. A long red thread is still attached to his finger.

He is rehearsing the part where he has been wounded by flying splinters, immediately after the earthquake.

He drops to the floor, and cries: Fetch me wine and oil! I am dying!

Gaius, as Dr Pangloss, is about to explain that earthquakes are nothing new and all for the best when it strikes him that if it had been a volcano Arthur's poem would have been appropriate. A red wave descends from the summit......wasn't that it? He might suggest it to Vello.

Meawhile Denis's hat has begun to unravel.

Denis sits up to re-finger-knit it.

The paint dries on the potato.

Going Too Far

That doesn't look like a potato, says Hedley.

Irrelevant, says Ageless. Give me a snog.

What's a snog? asks Hedley.

Sloppy kisses, says Ageless. That's what I'm paying for.

Yuck, says Hedley.

Come here, Hedley, says his mother.

Hedley goes back to his mother.

Don't worry about that nasty lobster, says Hedley's mother. He's not going to be in it.

He certainly isn't, says Vello. At least not as a sailor.

Good, says Hedley's mother. We'll be off now. When will Hedley be getting his costume?

Should be ready by tomorrow's rehearsal, says Belle. 

What's it like? asks Hedley.

Belle shows him a sketch of the costume.

I'm giving you a kilt, says Belle. With a safety pin at the front. And that school tie would look good with it. Your school needn't know.

Is he supposed to be a minor? asks Hedley's mother. 

She is looking at Vello.

He is supposed to be a girl of easy virtue, says Vello. Her age is not mentioned.

But you wrote it, says Hedley's mother. You must know.

All right, says Vello. She's twenty one. Happy?

Hedley's mother walks out with Hedley.

Twenty one. At least Hedley looks happy.

How old am I? asks Terence.

I knew it! says Vello. 

What? asks Terence.

That you'd ask, says Vello. The henchman is thirty two and a half, and the florin is from the twelfth century.

Great. Both are older than Hedley.

Arthur comes into the office.

You're late, says Vello. Where were you?

Sorry, slept in, says Arthur.

Ageless took your place in the scene with Hedley, says Vello.

How did that go? asks Arthur.

Ageless went too far, says Vello. I need to be sure you won't do the same.

Okay, says Arthur. Let's run through it. Who'll  play Hedley?

Me, says Terence.

Not you, says Vello. How about you, Belle?

Love to, says Belle.

Hello lovely, says Arthur. 

Hello sailor, says Belle.

Do you like poetry? asks Arthur.

Yes, no, maybe, says Belle.

You'll like this, says Arthur:

 Hot knees pounding, heat grinding sinews to sludge, black blood shrieks behind sightless eyes, a red wave descends from the summit as I rise.

Now YOU've gone too far, says Belle.

Hello Lovely

What is Ageless doing here? asks Vello. And why is he wearing Candide's hat?

It's his own hat, says Gaius. Denis is making another one for himself.

Nearly ready, says Denis, producing a string of red finger-knitting.

But what is he doing here? asks Vello.

Ageless decides it's time to speak for himself.

There are certain persons who would pay money to see me as Candide, says Ageless.

O-ho! says Vello. who are these certain persons?

Henriette is one, says Ageless. 

She only thinks he would make a good understudy, says Denis. And he knows all the lines.

Very well, says Vello. Ageless shall be Denis's understudy.

Thank you, says Ageless. Shall I run through my part?

No, just observe Denis, says Vello. On second thoughts, make yourself useful.

I've just finished moulting, says Ageless. 

You can help Terence paint his potato, says Belle.

Yes, says Terence. On the back of my costume.

A potato? says Hedley. I thought you were a florin.

Florins had potatoes on the back, says Terence.

News to me, says Hedley's mother.

It's okay, says Belle. The potato represents a couple of minor saints, in place of John the Baptist, for obvious reasons.

Hedley's mother can't see the obvious reasons, but doesn't pursue it, since the florin is not Hedley's part.

Belle gives Terence a permanent marker, and Ageless a paintbrush.

Go for it, boys, says Belle.

Terence starts to draw a potato,

Too small! says Ageless.

Terence draws another potato around the too small potato.

Already the potato is not looking like a potato.

Right! says Vello. We'll do the scene with Hedley and the sailor. Where's Arthur?

Not here yet, says Sweezus. 

Hedley has to go soon, says Hedley's mother. School starts at nine.

Anyone know Arthur's lines? asks Vello.

Me! says Terence. Hello lovely! Do you like POEMS?

I'm not doing it with Terence, says Hedley.

I'll do it, says Ageless. Hello lovely, do you like poems?

Yes, no, maybe, says Hedley.

Or perhaps you prefer potatoes, says Ageless. Come with me and I'll show you a special one.

Hedley looks at his mother.

Just go with it, Hedley. We're late, says his mother.

Okay, says Hedley.

He follows Ageless towards the special potato.