Extra Funny Part

It looks a bit comical, says Vello.

That's okay, says Belle. The audience will like it.

What's comical? asks Terence.

You leading Gaius away with the grabber, says Belle. You're kind of low down.

What if I had stilts? asks Terence.

No more props, says Vello. We'll go with it.

I thought it was meant to be funny, says Denis.

Not that part, says Vello.

Well now there's an extra funny part, says Denis. Ouch!

What now? asks Vello.

My ankle, says Denis. It hurts.

Not another damn funny part! snaps Vello.

Sit down Denis, says Belle. I'll find you some ice.

Denis sits down again, and starts rubbing his ankle.

Lucky you don't have a fight scene, says Sweezus.

But I have to fall overboard, says Denis. 

Shit yeah, says Sweezus. 

Belle comes back with the ice.

Your ankle looks very swollen, says Belle. 

I'll manage, says Denis. 

Remember you do have an understudy, says Belle. Should we alert him?

Understudy? asks Vello.

Ageless, remember? says Belle. You agreed.

What possessed me? says Vello.

Forethought, says Belle. 

Vello realises she's right. Yes it was certainly forethought to appoint an understudy for Candide. Pity it had to be a lobster. On the plus side, Ageless has his own red knitted hat.

Alert him, says Vello.

We'll do that, says Gaius. Shall we go Denis? Can you make it down the stairs?

If someone aids me, says Denis.

I'll do it, says Sweezus.

He helps Denis down the stairs. Gaius calls a taxi.

Sweezus comes back up the stairs.

Denis is gutted, says Sweezus.

He didn't look gutted to me, says Vello.

He really wants to be in it, says Sweezus. And his name's on the fliers.

Alors! says Vello. So it is.

Maybe his ankle will be better by tomorrow, says Belle. Or...

Or what? asks Vello.

Or Ageless could act as a stuntperson, says Belle. Denis does everything but fall overboard.

A fine solution, but for one thing, says Vello. Ageless is hardly Denis's double.

Yes. This fact does seem insurmountable

Problem What Problem?

Hedley has left with his mother.

We'll rehearse dinner in the ruins without him, says Vello.

What do we sit on? asks Gaius.

I thought you could stand, seeing Lisbon is in ruins, says Vello.

I need to sit, says Denis.

And I, says Gaius. 

Why is this? asks Vello.

The angle, says Gaius. Terence will find it easier to grab me by the wrist if we're sitting.

A good point, says Vello. Where's the mechanical grabber?

Here, says Belle, taking it out of the prop box.

Terence is still in his florin costume.

You'll have to get out of your florin costume, says Belle.

If I keep it on I could hide the grabber inside it, says Terence.

Yes but how would that look? asks Belle. A florin can't be a henchman.

Okay, says Terence. wriggling out of his florin costume. 

Belle hands him the grabber.

This is how it works. says Belle. Squeeze the handle.

Terence squeezes the handle. 

The grabber opens and closes.

It's better than tongs!

Where is he supposed to keep it until he needs it? asks Denis.

Indeed, says Gaius. We identified this problem when rehearsing at home. 

What problem? asks Vello.

I know, says Belle. Terence is pouring a glass of wine for me when I give him the signal. So he's holding a jug. He'll have to put it down quickly and reach for the grabber. So it should be close by.

Vello had not expected this problem.

Curses! says Vello. There was no grabber in my novel.

But the henchman was bigger, says Belle.

Vello needs a quick way of solving the problem. 

Terence, says Vello, you must pour the wine using the grabber. 

Ooh! says Belle. Isn't that risky?

Not if he practises, says Vello. Let us try it.

Let us, says Terence.

Belle fetches a jug and places it on the desk.

Don't worry, Terence, there's nothing in it, says Belle. Now try picking it up with the grabber.

Terence tries.

Easy squeezy.

Now tip it as if you're pouring wine out of it, says Belle. Wait a minute, I'll fetch a glass.

She goes away and comes back with a glass.

Now, says Belle.

Terence tips the jug towards the glass, using the grabber.

When I give you the signal, put the jug down and grab Gaius, says Belle.

She nods at Terence. 

It's the signal!

Terence opens the grabber. 

The jug drops to the floor. 

Lucky nothing was in it.

He grabs Gaius's wrist.

Good work! says Vello. Now you lead him away.

Gaius and Terence stand up.

Hmm.

Does this look a bit comical?

Nautical Effects

Next morning  in the office, a final rehearsal.

Hedley is there with his mother.

He is trying on his costume.

A kilt with a safety pin. A school tie.

Can we rehearse Hedley's scene first? asks Hedley's mother. He has a maths test first lesson.

No, says Vello. We'll run through the whole thing in sequence. The prequel comes first.

Terence is already in his florin costume and yellow socks.

Sweezus wears a plain garment.

And...go! says Vello.

I am a florin, says Terence and this is James the Anty-Baptist.

Stop! says Vello. ANA-Baptist!

Hedley's mother looks at her watch.

All right, says Vello. Let it go. Do your dance, Terence.

Terence does his dance, turning slowly to display the two saintly potatoes.

And he gave me to Candide when he was down and out! sings Terence.

Anabaptist! Expression! says Vello.

Sweezus adopts a philanthropical expression.  

Excellent, says Vello. 

Now is it Hedley's scene? asks Hedley's mother.

No madam, says Vello. Shipwreck scene first.

The two desks are moved together.

Sweezus, Gaius, Denis and Arthur climb on.

Arthur falls overboard and dangles.

Sweezus helps him back on, and falls in himself.

Denis watches as Sweezus rolls away.

Candide! Expression! shouts Vello.

Denis adopts the suppressing-a-fart expression.

Excellent! says Vello. 

Gaius begins to explain that what has happened is all for the best.

Split the deck! shouts Vello.

Sweezus rolls behind the desks and pushes one desk away from the other.

Denis falls off his desk prematurely.

Never mind, says Vello. Now the rest of you!

Arthur and Gaius fall in.

Great! says Vello. 

Yes, that was fantastic! says Belle. Are you okay, Denis?

No, says Denis. I've injured my ankle.

For goodness sake, says Hedley's mother. Not another hold-up!

No, says Vello. Belle will see to Denis's ankle. Arthur and Hedley, ready?

Hello lovely, says Arthur.

Hello sailor, says Hedley.

Do you like poetry? asks Arthur.

No, yes, maybe, says Hedley.

Hedley's mother looks again at her watch.

Arthur drapes his arm over Hedley's shoulder.

It is an ancient mariner, says Arthur, And he stoppeth one of three.....

Vello glances at Hedley's mother to gauge the effect of the Coleridge.

Nice touch! says Hedley's mother.

The Philopher's Angles

What are you waiting for? asks Gaius.

Where do I grab you? asks Terence.

Good point, says Gaius.

Where's the good point? asks Terence.

Ha ha! laughs Baby Pierre.

I mean it's a good point you've raised, says Gaius. What do you think, Denis?

There are two things to consider, says Denis. One is he won't have tongs, but a mechanical grabber. 

Which will probably be longer, says Gaius.

Is that two things? asks Terence.

You can't even count, says Baby Pierre.

I can if there are two things, says Terence. And the tongs and the grabber are two things, but I don't have them at the same time.

Quite right Terence, says Denis. We'll make a philosopher of you yet. Let us agree the tongs/grabber question is one thing.

Yes, let us, says Terence. 

Baby Pierre looks scornful.

So, says Denis, with the mechanical grabber, Terence has more scope. He could grab you, theoretically, anywhere.

True, but not actually helpful, says Gaius.

Until we consider the other thing, says Denis.

Let us, says Terence.

He likes being a philosopher.

Which is? asks Gaius. 

We are supposed to be dining in the ruins, says Denis. Are we sitting or standing? 

I see what you're getting at, says Gaius.

What? asks Terence.

Angles, says Baby Pierre.

I won't be wearing the socks, says Terence. 

Not ankles, says Gaius.

No, angles, says Denis. If the henchman is sitting near Pangloss, he'll have access to most of Pangloss's upper body. If we're all standing, it's another story.

Let's assume we're sitting, says Gaius. Broken chairs would seem plausible.

Or boxes, says Denis. Or columns.

I doubt Belle's props box runs to broken columns, says Gaius.

Let us be sitting on broken chairs, says Terence.

Right, says Gaius. But for now, let us sit on unbroken chairs so we can practise.

Denis drags out two chairs.

Gaius sits on one and Terence sits on the other, holdng the tongs.

Try grabbing me in various places, says Gaius.

Terence grabs Gaius's wrist. 

That looked natural, says Denis.

Wrist it is, says Gaius. Well done, Terence.

Except he's forgotten something, says Baby Pierre. You all have.

What? asks Terence.

You were pouring the wine, when you got the signal, says Baby Pierre. So you have to put the bottle down and go and fetch your grabber, or will the grabber be there in your pocket?

Curses! says Gaius. We hadn't thought about that.

But Terence has now learned to be philosophical.

Let us, says Terence.

No One Has Said

Put me down! says Baby Pierre.

You said you could do anything, says Terence.

Put him down, says Gaius.

Terence opens the tongs.

Baby Pierre drops to the floor.

Voila! says Baby Pierre.

You didn't do it, says Terence. I did.

I made you do it, says Baby Pierre.

How? asks Terence.

I told you to do it, and you didn't do it so Gaius told you to do it, says Baby Pierre.

How is that YOU doing it? asks Terence.

It's rather like the Will that is Determined, says Gaius.

So it is, says Denis. Determined by a higher power. Which in this case was Gaius.

Exactly, says Gaius. Maybe there's something in Pangloss's view after all.

Wasn't Terence meant to seize you with the tongs? asks Baby Pierre.

He was, says Gaius.

And he didn't. So in that case the higher power wasn't you , says Baby Pierre.

You're a idiot, says Terence. I was just doing what I wanted.

Do it properly this time, says Baby Pierre.

Yes, says Gaius. Do it properly. Acting is a discipline.

Okay, says Terence. Are you ready?

He opens the tongs.

Where are we starting? asks Gaius.

Say the willy's determined, says Terence.

The Will IS Determined, says Gaius.

Baby Pierre winks at Terence.

Terence now has to decide whereabouts to grab Gaius.

No one has said.

Free And Determined

You need to pour it more slowly, says Gaius.

He didn't give me a signal, says Terence.

I did, says Baby Pierre.

What was it? asks Terence.

This, says Baby Pierre.

He winks at Terence.

You're meant to nod, says Terence.

How can he nod? asks Denis. He's a pebble.

I can do anything, says Baby Pierre.

You can't nod if you don't have a neck, says Gaius.

Anything I want to, says Baby Pierre.

Okay, wink, says Terence. Now I know the signal.

Shall we do it again? asks Baby Pierre.

When I've mopped up the spilt water, says Gaius.

I'll do it, says Denis. You say your lines.

For the Will that is Determined, says Gaius.

Baby Pierre winks at Terence.

I hadn't started pouring, says Terence.

Start now, says Gaius, and I'll say my lines again.

For the Will that is Determined.

What does that mean? asks Baby Pierre.

Nothing on its own, says Gaius. But it's part of Dr Pangloss's explanation of why he believes in a form of free will that is determined.

By who? asks Baby Pierre.

Shut up, says Terence. Why do you care?

I'm a free thinker, says Baby Pierre.

Just give me the signal, says Terence.

Baby Pierre winks at Terence.

Too late, says Terence. I ran out of water.

Never mind, says Gaius. My glass is half full. It's now that you seize me.

My favourite part! says Terence.

Pity we don't have the mechnical grabber, says Denis.

I may have some tongs in the gadget drawer, says Gaius.

He puts his half full glass down, and looks.

Yes. Here, Terence. Squeeze this end and the tongs close up. Have a practice.

Terence squeezes the end of the tongs.

They open, close, open.

Try grabbing something, says Denis.

Terence knows he means something inanimate.

But he doesn't care. 

He closes the tongs around Baby Pierre.

Dancing In Donuts

Belle has dropped Terence off at Gaius's house and gone back to the office.

Terence is showing Gaius and Denis his socks.

They've got grips on the bottom, says Terence.

Very nice, says Denis.

So I won't slip when I'm dancing, says Terence.

Sensible, says Gaius.

And I have to roll the tops down, says Terence.

Or they'll look like tights, says someone.

Who said it? 

It's Baby Pierre.

They won't look like tights, says Terence. And who asked you anyway?

You should try them on now, says Baby Pierre.

I'm going to, says Terence.

He tries to separate the socks.

But the socks are joined at the top by a thin plastic joiner, with a stopper at each end.

Let me do it, says Gaius.

He snips the socks apart with his scissors.

Terence tries the socks on, and rolls the tops down.

Ha ha! laughs Baby Pierre. You'll look like you're dancing in donuts.

If you fold them, they won't look like donuts, says Denis.

He helps Terence roll up the socks and then fold them so they don't look like donuts.

Terence does his florin dance.

The non-slip grips work really well.

Excellent, says Gaius. You must remember to take off the socks when you're playing the henchman.

Henchman? says Baby Pierre.

I've got two parts, says Terence. 

How can you play a henchman? scoffs Baby Pierre.

Easy, says Terence. No wait. It's HARD. I have to pour wine and watch for a signal, and then stop pouring and pick up my mechanical grabber and seize Gaius.

You won't be able to, says Baby Pierre.

He will, says Gaius. He just needs to practise.

Yes. Watch me, says Terence.

All right, says Gaius. Would you like to practice with a bottle of water?

Yes, says Terence. But who's going to give me the signal? 

I will, says Baby Pierre. When do I give it?

After I say For the Will that is Determined, says Gaius.

Okay, says Baby Pierre.

Denis gives him a glass.

Pour! says Denis.

Terence pours water into Baby Pierre's glass. 

Gaius says: For the Will that is Determined...

Baby Pierre winks at Terence.

His glass overflows.

Maybe that wasn't the signal.