We All Have Plans

When will you people be leaving? asks the green and golden bell frog.

When we have counted at least thirty of your species, says Gaius.

How many have you counted already? asks the green and golden bell frog.

Three, plus you, says Gaius. Unless you were one of the three.

Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't, says the green and golden bell frog. How would I know?

Where were you five minutes ago? asks Margaret.

Good question, says Gaius. Do you know?

Of course I know, says the green and golden bell frog.

Will you tell us? says Margaret. The sooner we get up to thirty, the sooner we'll leave.

Not necessarily, says Gaius. I may have further questions.

That's not the impression you gave, says the green and golden bell frog.

Apologies, says Gaius. My intentions are benign.

Why do you want us to leave? asks Margaret.  

We have plans, says the green and golden bell frog.

We all have plans, says Margaret.

I know, says the green and golden bell frog. I was listening.

Oh? says Gaius. What did you hear?

Subtext, says the green and golden bell frog.

I don't believe that for a minute, says Margaret.

YOU want to be his girlfriend and HE wants to get rid of you, says the green and golden bell frog.

Ha ha! laughs Gaius, in an awkward way, that makes Margaret suspicious.

But no, the bell frog is wrong. The trip to Mawson Ponds has been going so well.

Ha ha! laughs Margaret, in a confident manner.

Gaius is relieved.

Do your plans involve us not being here? asks Gaius.

Yes, says the bell frog. We're planning a funeral.

Not one of your own, I hope! says Gaius. Is it the chytrid fungus?

No, says the bell frog. It is Prawny, next to whom you are sitting, in case you don't know.

Jumping Jupiter! says Gaius. This is interesting! Were you all fond of Prawny?

We were, says the bell frog. He was plucky.

He was, says Gaius. He was a friend of ours too.

I suppose you could stay and observe, if you move back a little, says the bell frog.

We'd be honoured, says Gaius.

We would, agrees Margaret.

When is this funeral? asks Gaius. 

Now, says the bell frog. Stand back.

Gaius and Margaret move back.

At least twenty seven bell frogs emerge from various black brick-holes and plastic heat-trapping pyramids and line up to file past the heap of grass covering plucky dead Prawny.

A sight which is movingly solemn.

Confrontations

Gaius is at Mawson Ponds with Margaret.

Prawny is decomposing nearby.

How many have you counted? asks Margaret.

Three, says Gaius. And then only glimpses.

Weren't there supposed to be thirty? asks Margaret.

There were thirty released initially, says Gaius.

Perhaps our presence is putting them off, says Margaret.

Perhaps, says Gaius. Why don't you go and look elsewhere?

Why don't you? asks Margaret.

They remain where they are, near the grass pile under which lies dead Prawny. 

Gaius's phone rings.

It's Sweezus. 

Hey! says Sweezus. About the Tour in July.

What about it? says Gaius. 

You said you're available, says Sweezus. 

I did say that, says Gaius. 

It's just, there's been a mixup, says Sweezus. We might need you.

Might, says Gaius.

Yeah well, we were going to ask Pablo, but turns out Vello's already asked him.

Pablo? In Team Philosophe? says Gaius.

Yeah but he hasn't replied yet, says Sweezus.

To them? asks Gaius.

To them, says Sweezus. Could be waiting for a better offer.

Have you offered? asks Gaius.

Reckon I should? asks Sweezus. Don't want to cross Vello.

All's fair in sport, says Gaius.

Yeah, says Sweezus.

I'll be on standby, of course, says Gaius. But if I don't go, I trust you'll take Terence and Prong.

No worries, says Sweezus. 

Remember, parrot passport required, says Gaius.

Sure, says Sweezus. Okay, I'll get back to you.

He calls Pablo.

But Pablo doesn't answer.

All's fair in sport? says Margaret.

I just said that to encourage him, says Gaius. 

Why encourage him? asks Margaret.

If he enlists Pablo, then Vello will need an alternative rider, says Gaius.

Namely you, says Margaret. If you go, the parrot passport is your job.

A simple matter, says Gaius. 

Hm, says Margaret.

Ruuurrr, says a green and golden bell frog who has come up behind them.

Aha! says Gaius, turning.

I Wish I Looked Like That

They all gaze at the parrot in New Acqusitions.

It certainly looks like a parrot.

But then again not.

Those teeth, spikes and curly whiskers, says Minnie. 

But the shape of the head, says Katherine.

What do you think, Prong? asks Minnie.

I wish I looked like that, says Prong.

You can see inside its belly, says Terence.

I wouldn't mind, says Prong. And I'd love curly whiskers.

You look good as you are, says Katherine.

We could find you some whiskers, says Terence.

Not here, says Minnie.

Later, says Terence. 

I'll take a photo, says Katherine. Stand in front of it Terence.

Terence stands in front of the New Acquistion with Prong's head poking out from the front of his shorts.

That looks a bit funny, says Katherine. 

It'd look better with Prong on Terence's shoulder, says Minnie.

Okay, says Terence. Come up here, Prong.

Prong squeezes out from the shorts' waistband and claws her way up to Terence's shoulder.

Click! Katherine takes a photo.

Can we see it? asks Terence.

Katherine shows them the photo.

Terence, Prong on his shoulder, and behind them the New Acquistion.

You can see its head but not all of its body.

I'll take another one, says Katherine, This time, stand more to one side.

And then take one so it looks like the curly whiskers are mine,  says Prong.

Oh yes, do, says Minnie. 

All right, says Katherine.

This will be hard to set up.

Terence must stand so Prong's head is directly in front of the head of the New Acquistion, and Prong must then turn her head sideways.

Finally....

That's perfect! says Minnie.

Click! Katherine snaps the photo.

Quick! says Minnie. An attendant is coming!

Prong slips back down into Terence's shorts.

Minnie, Katherine, Terence, and Prong exit the gallery, leaving the New Acquistion to its spiked, toothy, xray-bellied, curly-whiskered existence.

New Acquistions

I don't know much about art, says Prong.

I do, says Terence.

Yes, Prong, says Katherine. Terence is from Barcelona.

Is he? asks Minnie.

Yes I used to live on a palace, says Terence.

On it? says Minnie.

It was the Sagrada Familia, says Katherine.

There were all kinds of animals, says Terence.

Were there parrots? asks Prong.

Millions of parrots, says Terence.

I wish there were some parrots here, says Prong.

There probably are, says Minnie. Let's look for them.

What a good idea, says Katherine. It's good to have some sort of focus.

So they move from gallery to gallery looking for parrots.

....

Meanwhile, back in Adelaide, Arthur has woken.

Ugh! Buuuh! 

His usual first utterings after a night out.

His phone rings.

What? says Arthur.

Tickets for Barcelona, says Sweezus. Did you get them?

Not yet, says Arthur. You haven't told me who's coming.

You and me bro, says Sweezus. I'm going to ask Pablo but he'll already be there.

He's not Spanish, says Arthur. He's from Chile.

Fuck yeah, says Sweezus. Okay, but he won't have to get there from here.

What about Gaius? asks Arthur.

He'll be with Team Philosophe, says Sweezus. 

Okay, says Arthur.

He goes back to sleep for another ten minutes.

Sweezus heads in to work.

He arrives in time to hear Vello lamenting.

When? When will I hear back from Pablo?

And Belle saying, don't worry, I'll call him.

And she tries calling, but Pablo doesn't answer.

Sweezus realises he might have a problem.

....

And back at the National Gallery in Canberra, 

Prong is elated.

They have spotted a spectacular parrot in New Acquistions. 

What Is Vom?

They are in Gallery 14. 

Katherine and Minnie are admiring the photos.

They are photos of family Christmases in the early 2000s.

A Christmas tree in a red bucket.

We had one of those, says Minnie.

A kid in a mask and a Robin suit, posing.

What a glorious expression, says Katherine. 

and then...

Where is Terence? asks Minnie.

Terence has left the gallery.

Katherine walks to the entrance of gallery 14, and looks out.

An attendant is standing there.

Have you seen a young boy with a parrot's head poking out of the front of his shorts? asks Katherine.

The attendant looks as though he is not often asked such a question

Not a real parrot, Katherine adds hastily.

No, madam, says the attendant. Would you like me to put out an alert?

Not yet, says Katherine. He knows where we are.

The  attendant walks off, taking out his walkie-talkie.

Drat, says Katherine. 

What is it? asks Minnie.

I think he's going to put out an alert for Terence, says Katherine.

Do they know about the parrot? asks Minnie.

I said it wasn't a real one, says Katherine.

But they'll soon see it is, says Minnie.

Just then Terence turns up.

Where have you been? asks Katherine.

Looking for a window, says Terence. 

Whatever for? asks Minnie.

To wave out of, says Terence.

At me, says Prong, from the front of Terence's shorts.

(Yes Prong is at the front now, after a difficult journey).

That was if Prong was outside in a tree, says Katherine. But she's here, so you don't need a window.

Now everyone will be looking for you, says Minnie.

Why? asks Terence.

I reported you missing, says Katherine.

I'll go and find the attendant and tell him you're found, says Minnie. You and Prong stay here with Katherine and look at the photos.

Okay, says Terence.

He looks at one of the photos.

It shows a Chrismtas tree in a red bucket, next to a window.

Boring.

The next one shows a man lying down next to a red bucket. You can just see his head.

And there is something yellow in the bucket.

Vom! says Terence.

What's vom? asks Prong.

Minnie returns.

I told him, says Minnie. The alert has been cancelled.

Good, says Katherine. Let's go somewhere else.

Yes, says Terence. This gallery is rubbish.

Prong doesn't think so.

But what does she know about art?

One Of Two Ways

Why do you ask? replies Katherine.

You spoke to it before you entered the gallery, says the attendant.

It's Prong, says Terence. My parrot. She's not allowed in.

It would be better if she waited in a tree, says the attendant. 

She liked the look of the metal ball, says Minnie. Surely a parrot can sit where it chooses?

I'm going to wave to her from a window, says Terence.

Then allow me to recommend a tree, says the attendant.

Very kind, says Katherine.

Yes, very kind, says Minnie. We'll be in the Trent Parke exhibition. Where is it?

Level one, Gallery fourteen, says the attendant.

Thank you, says Minnie.

Can we leave you to direct our parrot to a suitable tree? asks Katherine.

Unforunately not, says the attendant. I'm an indoor attendant.

I'll go, says Terence. Just tell me which tree.

That one should do, says the attendant, pointing to a tree.

Terence runs outside, while Katherine and Minnie wait in the foyer.

Birds! says the attendant. They tend to defecate on the artworks.

It's perfectly natural, says Katherine.

No, it isn't, says the attendant. Not on artworks.  That's why we planted the trees.

Terence comes back inside, slowly.

The attendant looks outside at the metal ball, which is now parrot-free.

Excellent, says the attendant. Enjoy your visit.

Katherine and Minnie head to a staircase. 

Come on Terence, says Katherine. Why are you walking backwards?

Because I want to walk backwards, says Terence.

Up the stairs? asks Minnie.

Yes, says Terence. Maybe I should go first.

They let Terence go first, up the stairs backwards.

Something looks odd.

It's his gecko shorts, which have suddenly got tighter.

You don't suppose...? says Minnie.

Prong's down the back of his shorts, says Katherine.

Am I at the top yet? asks Terence.

Yes, says Minnie. You can turn around now.

Terence turns around. 

Prong's green head emerges from the top of his waistband.

Terence! says Minnie, You've smuggled Prong in.

Yes, says Terence. And no one saw anything.

Are you all right, Prong? asks Katherine.

Yes, says Prong, but I'd rather be at the front than the back.

Understandable, says Katherine. If I were in your position I'd feel the same.

Why? asks Terence.

Because, says Katherine, if I was peeping out from the front of your gecko shorts we'd see the same things at the same time.

Okay, says Terence. 

How will Prong get from the back to the front of Terence's gecko shorts without anyone seeing? asks Minnie.

Mm. One of two ways, says Katherine.

Why are Katherine and Minnie both laughing?

How Come Only Almost?

Terence has spotted Prong.

Guess what? asks Terence.

What? says Prong. I had a nice breakfast, thank you.

What was it? asks Terence. 

Grass seeds, says Prong.

So guess what, says Terence.

What? says Prong. Am I getting a passport?

Later, says Terence. I have to go to a gallery and you're coming.

What's a gallery? asks Prong.

You'll see, says Terence.

How was I supposed to guess what if you won't even tell me? asks Prong.

It would be too late, says Terence.

Tell me anyway, says Prong, Then say Guess what.

Okay, says Terence. A gallery is a room with stuff in.

Like a kitchen, says Prong.

No. Special stuff like photos of Christmas trees, says Terence.

So now say Guess what, says Prong.

Guess what? asks Terence.

We're going to a gallery to see photos of Christmas trees, says Prong.

Correct, says Terence. Almost.

How come only almost? asks Prong.

Because you're not allowed in, says Terence. You have to wait outside in a tree.

I hope it's a box tree, says Prong.

Katherine and Minnie come out, dressed for a visit to the National Gallery.

Come on Terence, says Katherine. You too, Prong. Do you know where we're going?

Yes I do know, says Prong.

They get into Minnie's car and drive to the National Gallery.

They arrive, park the car, and head to the entrance.

Which tree will Prong wait in? asks Minnie.

A box tree, says Terence.

Never mind that, says Prong. There are better things here to sit on. 

She flies across to a large metal ball covered in squiggles. 

I'll wait here on this.

I'll wave to you when I'm in the gallery, says Terence.

He follows Katherine and Minnie inside.

An attendant comes up to them.

Is that your parrot, on the metal ball outside? asks the attendant.