Stage 9: Malemort to Ussel - Walnut

A very hot day. The course has been shortened.

But it's still going to be hilly.

Pablo is determined to get into a breakaway.

He joins the attackers.

But there are too many attackers.

He drops back and thinks about his poem.

Sweezus rides up behind him.

Hey bro, says Sweezus.

Hola, says Pablo. 

Giving up already? asks Sweezus.

Not at all, says Pablo. By the way, are you part of this poetry competition?

Fuck no, says Sweezus. It was Arthur's idea. I don't have a sister.

That is fair enough, says Pablo. But do you mind if I enter?

Yeah...nah, says Sweezus, speeding off leaving Pablo to ponder.

Up the Suc au May, a category 2 climb. And down again. 

A woman in yellow dress waves. Her dress flutters.

Pablo is inspired.

There in a yellow dress/ Standing next to chicken/  Are you sending me glances?/ Throw me a walnut/ I'll catch it/ I'll break it in two with my teeth/ I don't care if they crack/ If you're glancing at me/ With those black eyes, with their fiery centres/ Just don't throw that walnut at the next guy/ Unless you're his sister.

Pablo is happy with that.

The sister is in it. But not whose sister. So, Sweezus won't freak.

He speeds up to draw level with Surfing-with-Whales and run the poem by him.

Thus the two of them finish way behind the leaders.

The leaders are locked in an intense fight to the finish in Ussel

Yes! Matthieu van der Poel gets the better of Tobias Johannessen and Tom Pidcock. 

Not a yellow dress, or a chicken, or a walnut in sight.

Stage 8: Périgueux to Bergerac - A limerick!

Another flat stage. 

And again it is hot.

At once, Liam Slock breaks away, thinking, best get this done.

Surfing-with-Whales thinks of following Slock, but does not.

He stays with the peloton.

He finds himself level with Pablo.

I hear Team Condor is having a poetry competition, says Pablo.

Yeah, I know, says Surfing-with-Whales. I guess it takes their mind off the heat.

My team is not into poetry, says Pablo.

Mine either, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Just into winning, says Pablo.

Mine's not even that much into winning, says Surfing-with-Whales.

They do very well for guys their age, says Pablo.

I guess so, says Surfing-with-Whales. Hey, you're a poet.

I like to think so, says Pablo.

Maybe you and me could have a poetry competition, says Surfing-with-Whales.

I would win, says Pablo.

What if I pick the topic? says Surfing-with-Whales.

Okay, says Pablo. Pick it.

Sweezus's sister, says Surfing-with-Whales.

That is a strange topic, says Pablo.

Take it or leave it, says Surfing-with-Whales.

I'll take it, says Pablo. But right now the intermediate sprint is upon us.

Shit yeah, so it is.

They speed up, but too late. Jasper Philipsen wins it.

Surfing-with-Whales looks for the feeding station. He want food and he needs ice as well.

There it is!

Terence hands him a bag of ice to slip down the back of his jersey.

Belle hands him a musette filled with rich paté de Périgueux.

That's better.

He speeds up, refreshed, and returns to his poem.

He has one advantage over Pablo Neruda.

He has worked on it since yesterday. 

There was a young lady from France/ who decided to learn how to dance/ she developed a blister/ when somebody kissed her/ it was Sweezus's sister from France.

He is not sure about France. But what rhymes with Adelaide? Or anywhere else for that matter?

And anyway, where is he? He's fallen behind now.

More importantly, where is Liam Slock?

Still out the front with 1.5 km to go. What a legend. How has he done it?

But the peloton is looming behind him.

And all the best sprinters are in it.

Including Tim Merlier, who won the stage yesterday. 

And wins it today. Well done him.

Stage 7: Hagetmau to Bordeaux - Advantage

A hot flat stage.

The sprinters are happy because one of them will win it.

The others are happy to not have to climb.

A long line of riders pedals towards the first sprint in Landiras.

Team Philosophe is among them.

You may sprint if you wish, says Vello.

Might not bother, says Surfing-with-Whales.

He'll be saving himself for the finish, says David.

Too right, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Make sure you're at the front before the road narrows, says Vello.

That's my plan, says Surfing-with-Whales.

He moves off up the line.

We did the right thing having him on the team, says David.

Yes, we can take it easier, says Vello.

Gaius rides up beside them.

Hello men, says Gaius. Where's your new rider?

 Up ahead where he should be, says Vello.

How's your team doing? asks David.

We're having a flash poetry competition, says Gaius. Started yesterday.

Hardly flash then, says David.

Arthur came up with one straight away, says Gaius. But I'm stuck for a rhyme. And Sweezus is having trouble with the topic.

What's the topic? asks Vello.

Sweezus's sister, says Gaius.

No wonder! says Vello. He doesn't have a sister.

It's only a poem, says Gaius. That shouldn't stop him.

What's your rhyming problem? asks David.

Sister and blister, says Gaius. But I really must go.

Don't let us stop you, says Vello.

Gaius speeds off to take part, he hopes, in the intermediate sprint at Landiras.

But he gets there too late. 

Baptiste Veistroffer has won it.

Vello and David, having passed the feeding station, have found asparagus in their musettes.

Asparagus! says Vello. A speciality of the region.

David bites into a stalk. Gruu-unch! 

Sand! says David.

They grow it in sand, says Vello. You get used to it.

David doesn't think he'll get used to it.

The road narrows.

Has Surfing with-Whales managed to make his way to the front?

No he hasn't.

He has slowed down to spit, and shake sand from his aparagus.

Thus giving Tim Merlier, Soren Waerenskjeld and Binian Girmay an advantage.

Stage 6: Pau to Gavarnie-Gèdre - Blister

A mountain stage.

A sprint in Pouzac, a climb up Col d'Aspin and finally, up the Col du Tourmalet.

Col du Tourmalet! says Sweezus. That's that hard one.

Yes, says Arthur. We need to think of a strategy.

Isn't it a bit late to think of a strategy? asks Gaius.

No, says Arthur. How about this? A flash poetry competition.

Yeah, okay, says Sweezus. What's the topic?

Your sister, says Arthur.

Yes, the famous sister, says Gaius. That should take our minds off the agonies of climbing.

Start thinking now, says Arthur. 

Sweezus is not sure that he likes this topic.

A Sylvanian bear could not be his sister.

Nor is the Barcelona Virgin his mother.

Ben O'Connor rides by.

Sweezus hopes he has not heard the thing about the sister.

The sprint has been sprinted, in Pouzac. Mads Pedersen has won it.

Ben O'Connor is about to set off on a breakaway.

Hoping someone will join him.

No one does.

He rides up the Col d'Aspin, and is reeled in by the peloton before the summit.

If he did know about the sister, he's forgotten her now.

But Team Condor hasn't.

Fortified by coucougettes du Verts Galants, slipped into their musettes by Belle, they start the ascent of the Col du Tourmalet.

Gaius is working on his poem.

What rhymes with sister? Blister. 

Gaius wonders if Sweezus will use it. Chances are that he won't.

Arthur definitely won't. His poem's going well already.

Glass eyes send shards of blue light through the glaze of the mother's/ straight to you, hirsute sister.

That's good, if somewhat circular.

Gaius is still working on his blister.

Sweezus hasn't started.

But anyway, something else is now happening.

Tadej Pogacar has sped up and zoomed up the Col du Tourmalet solo. Then zoomed down again and on to the finish in Gèdre.

He now has two minutes 38 seconds on Jonas Vingegaard.

And is back in yellow.

Stage 5: Lannemezan to Pau - Fancy Chances

A flat stage. A chance for the sprinters.

How are you at sprinting? asks Vello?

All right, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Then you have my permission to go for a victory, says Vello.

Cool, says Surfing-with-Whales.

But other team leaders have said the same thing to their sprinters too.

Surfing-with-Whales speeds up and makes his way to the front of the peloton.

I didn't mean him to take off immediately, says Vello.

You should have said, says David. Want me to chase him?

We'll both chase him, says Vello.

They make their way to the front of the peloton in time to see Baptiste Veistroffer breaking away.

Should I join him? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

No don't, says Vello. Stay here at the front of the peloton, until I say otherwise.

Mads Pedersen is surprised to see Vello and David at the front of the peloton.

Hello guys, says Mads Pedersen. Fancy your chances today?

We always fancy our chances, says David.

Depending on how you interpret the words, says Vello.

Which words? asks Mads Pedersen. Fancy or chances?

Vello is about to explain when Mads thinks the better of waiting for an answer.

He speeds up without waiting.

But Pablo has been listening, from a position close behind.

Fancy? says Pablo. Am I right?

You! says Vello. I bet you're wishing you'd joined us instead of Team Movistar.

It is early days, says Pablo. Team Movistar has some very good riders.

As good as Nairo Quintana? asks Vello.

Certainly, says Pablo. We have Cian Uijtdebroeks and Raul Garcia.

And your reliable self, says David.

Pablo realises he is losing his position at the front of the peloton, by chatting this way. 

He suspects Team Philosophe are doing it deliberately.

I'm off ! says Pablo. 

So soon? says Vello.

I wish to continue to fancy my chances, says Pablo.

Funny chap, says David. By the way, where is Surfing-with-Whales?

Surfing-with-Whales has sped off as well.

Vello and David are soon at the back of the peloton.

They pass the feeding station, and grab their musettes from Belle.

Tarbais beans! shouts Belle. And spit-roasted cake!

That's some consolation, says Vello.

What is? asks David.

The spit-roasted cake, says Vello.

I'm sure the beans will help us on our way, says David.

They munch the beans, knowing that David is right.

And what is happening at the front now?

Baptiste Veistroffer has been reeled in at last.

Surfing-with-Whales has run out of puff, as has Pablo.

Here come some sprinters who not all of us have heard of.

Olav Kooij, of Team Decathlon, Max Kanter of XDS Astana, and Tim Merlier of Soudal Quickstep.

Placing first, second and third in that order.

Good on them. They must have fancied their chances.

Stage 4: Carcassonne to Foix - Not Helping

The teams ride out from Carcassonne.

Today is another hot one.

But so what, if you have ice packs and pimientos to keep you going.

Pimientos? 

Yes the word has gone round.

Many teams will have hot pimientos in their musettes today.

Sweezus does not like pimientos, however.

I hope she remembers, says Sweezus, as he cycles up the Col de Bados.

Remembers what? asks Arthur.

I don't like pimientos, says Sweeezus. They give me the trots.

She'll remember, says Arthur.

I hear we're having brandade de morue, says Gaius.

What's that? asks Sweezus.

Whipped salt cod with potatoes, says Gaius,

How do you know? asks Arthur.

Terence mentioned it, says Gaius. 

Sweezus looks glum.

What's up? asks Arthur.

Terence told me something Prong told him, says Sweezus. Dunno if I should believe it.

Prong is honest, says Gaius. What did she say?

Virgin's got a new baby, says Sweezus. Don't laugh. it's not funny.

Why isn't it funny? asks Arthur.

It's a Sylvanian bear , says Sweezus.

So it isn't a baby, says Gaius. 

It's wearing a bonnet, says Sweezus.

A girl bonnet or a boy bonnet ? asks Arthur.

Boys don't wear bonnets, says Sweezus.

So it's a girl, says Arthur. You've got a sister.

You're not helping, says Sweezus.

No, you're not, says Gaius. Let's focus on trying to catch up with the breakaway.

Yes, that's what they should do.

The breakaway is way ahead already. Thirty four riders

They will be the ones who got the super hot pimientos.

Team Philosophe has been given brandade de morue.

What's this! splutters Vello.

Fishy mush, says Surfing-with-Whales. 

I imagine it's chock-full of protein, says David. 

He sucks his portion down,

Off he goes, as if to prove something.

He'll never catch up with the breakaway, says Vello.

And he doesn't. Fishy mush can't compare with hot pepper.

Fast forward to the last climb, Montségur.

Alex Baudin is King of the Mountain.

And then. The sprint to the finish in Foix.

Woah! Look at that! Mads Pedersen is powering to the finish line with his team mate Quinn Simmons behind him. And third? Raul Garcia. 

Tadej Pogacar loses the yellow jersey, to Torstein Traeen.

Torstein is understandably happy.

Stage 3: Granollers to Les Angles - Forever

Today the Tour will leave Spain and ride into France.

Another hot one.

Terence is waiting with Belle at the start.

No Prong yet? asks Belle.

No, says Terence. She must have got whacked by Saint Joseph.

He wouldn't be able to whack her, says Belle. She could just fly away.

And Belle is right. This is exactly what happened.

Prong has escaped being whacked by Saint Joseph, flown away, and is flying towards Granollers.

She lands on Terence's shoulder, just as the teams are about to get going.

Yay! says Terence. You got away!

Sweezus hears him, and wonders why Terence has said that.

But Gaius has seen.

His parrot has returned, says Gaius.

Hope it brings us good luck, says Sweezus. 

I'm sure it will, says Gaius.

At the Col de Saint Feleu, Sweezus finds himself level with Surfing-with-Whales, and Pablo.

Hey guys, says Sweezus.

Hey bro! says Surfing-with-Whales.

Hola! says Pablo. Sorry about what happened.

Yeah no worries, says Sweezus. 

What happened? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

You know, says Sweezus.

I got a better offer, says Pablo.

Lucky you, says Surfing-with-Whales. I'm with Team Philosophe.

They're okay, says Sweezus. And their jerseys are the coolest.

Yeah, says Surfing-with-Whales. Design's based on a whale spout.

Ha ha! laughs Pablo. Very clever!

How come clever? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Team Philosophe, always spouting their wisdom, says Pablo. Plus, they snared you. 

Hadn't thought of that, says Sweezus.

You did well yesterday, Whales, says Pablo.

Yeah, the pimientos helped, says Surfing-with-Whales. I got a super hot one.

Jonas Vingegaard passes them, overhearing this titbit.

Hmm, thinks Jonas, super hot pimientos. I will order some for Team Visma tomorrow.

Belle and Terence are now at the feeding station, having got a lift there.

They are handing out musettes for Team Philosophe and Team Condor.

Guess what? shouts Terence.

But Sweezus has grabbed his musette and kept going.

What were you going to tell him? asks Prong.

What you told me about the Virgin, says Terence.

Maybe you shouldn't, says Prong. She's his mother too.

I'm TELLING! says Terence.

Meanwhile Sweezus is looking in his musette for hot pimientos.

But there are none.

Only calcots, mel i mato, and more of those long thin fuets.

He keeps going.

Arthur joins him. 

They both keep going.

Gaius joins them too. 

Those grilled onions were strong, says Gaius.

But, against expectations, they don't make Team Condor go any faster.

And up ahead at Les Angles. Who is winning?

Wouldn't you know, it's Tadej Pogacar, surpassing Jonas Vingegaard and Richard Carapaz.

Tadej will now be in yellow.

Maybe forever.......