Come to Relieve Me

Gluttony. The Piglet.

Fifteen minutes until curtain up.

Or would be, if there was a curtain.

It's drizzling, and the outdoor seats are all wet.

Vello is fretting.

What happens if no one turns up?

Bound to be some keen types, says David.

And we've sold heaps more tickets since yesterday, says Belle.

They will be Margaret's friends, says Katherine.

Katherine has brought five umbrellas.

Did you say Margaret? asks Gaius.

Yes, say Katherine. I asked her to bring her spare umbrellas.

Can I have an umbrella? asks Terence.  

He is already in his florin costume, which is made of cardboard.

Here you are, says Katherine. Try and stay dry.

Terence opens his umbrella.

Hedley appears, with his mother.

Wet night! says Hedley's mother. 

Do I get an umbrella? asks Hedley.

We already have an umbrella, says Hedley's mother.

But HE's got his own, says Hedley.

A queue is forming, at the gate.

Denis hobbles past it, with Ageless.

Look, a lobster, says someone.

It's the understudy, says someone else. 

Of the hobbling guy? asks the first person.

Yeah, that's Denis Diderot, says the second person. He's the one playing Candide.

But he's hobbling, says the first one.

I know, says the second. How cool will it be if the lobster has to take over?

The queues becomes longer.

Some of Hedley's mother's friends, several members of the Geological Society, and three employees from Bunnings.

Margaret bustles past them with a load of umbrellas and makes her way backstage.

She is looking for Gaius, but Gaius has vanished.

He has gone to the gate to check tickets.

It was supposed to be Arthur's job, but Arthur isn't doing it.

When do we get the free umbrellas? asks someone.

When you go through, says Gaius.

What about torches? asks another.

We only have twenty torches, says Gaius. 

Grumbling ensues.

Margaret has found Katherine.

You look nice, says Katherine. 

Yes you do, says Belle. And thanks for bringing all those umbrellas. Would you mind going back to the gate and handing them out?

All right, says Margaret.

She goes back to the gate with her load of umbrellas.

Oh hello, Margaret, says Gaius. Come to relieve me?

She has, but he's already backing away.

People Remember That Time

Sweezus calls Katherine about the umbrellas.

Hey Katherine, says Sweezus. 

Hello dear, says Katherine. 

Where's the best place to buy umbrellas? asks Sweezus.

Do you need an umbrella? asks Katherine. Don't buy one. I have so many.

How many ? asks Sweezus. I need about twenty.

Oh well, says Katherine. I don't have twenty. But I might manage five. Why do you need them?

For the show tonight, says Sweezus. It's meant to rain heaps and we're in an open air venue.

So I've heard, says Katherine. David told me about it.

Yeah, says Sweezus. So can I borrow five?

Four, says Katherine. I need one for myself. 

Are you coming? asks Sweezus.

Of course I'm coming, says Katherine. And if you give me a couple of hours, I'll rustle up sixteen more umbrellas.

Cool, says Sweezus. Arthur said you'd know all about umbrellas.

Did he? says Katherine. 

Yeah, says Sweezus.

I hear he's playing the sailor, says Katherine. 

He is, says Sweezus. But he's bought a few packets of seeds just in case.

Ah! says Katherine. That's very wise of Arthur. People remember that time he played Costa.

I know, says Sweezus. Me and Arthur were in Bunnings and the checkout guy remembered.

There you go, says Katherine. Anyway, leave the umbrellas to me.

Thanks Katherine, says Sweezus.

Katherine calls her friend Margaret.

Katherine! says Margaret. It's been ages!

This may seem like strange question, but how many umbrellas do you have? asks Katherine. 

I have a room full, says Margaret. They're for our field trips.

Excellent, says Katherine. May I borrow them for a Fringe show tonight?

A Fringe show? says Margaret. What is it? A play about the Umbrella Revolution?

No, says Katherine. It's Candide. Every year Vello puts on an excerpt.

Are there umbrellas in it? asks Margaret.

They're for the audience, says Katherine. It's an open air venue.

I shall come along, says Margaret. And I'll invite the rest of the Geological Society.

But won't that use up all your field trip umbrellas? asks Katherine.

I'll ask everyone to bring their own umbrella, says Margaret. And I'll bring the field trip ones.

Lovely, says Katherine. 

Is Gaius in it this year? asks Margaret.

Umm, yes I believe so, says Katherine.

Lovely, says Margaret.

Its a long time since she's seen Gaius.

Too long.

Pity it's going to be raining.

What should she wear?

Twenty Tickets

How many tickets have we sold so far? asks Vello.

Twenty, says Sweezus.

Go out and buy twenty umbrellas and twenty torches, says Vello. And keep the receipts. Use my bankcard

Sure boss, says Sweezus.

Here it is, says Vello.

Sweezus goes out.

Where will he find twenty umbrellas and twenty torches?

No idea. He calls Arthur.

What is it? says Arthur.

I need twenty umbrellas and twenty torches, says Sweezus.

What for? asks Arthur.

The audience tonight. It's supposed to be raining, says Sweezus.

Try Bunnings, says Arthur. They'll have torches.

What about umbrellas, says Sweezus.

Don't know, says Arthur. Try asking Katherine. Old women know all about umbrellas.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Good thinking. She's probably got plenty.

I'll come to Bunnings with you, says Arthur. I want to buy some seeds.

Seeds, as in SEEDS? says Sweezus.

Ones that'll grow into flowers, says Arthur. In a packet with a colourful picture.

You have to take them out of the packet, bro, says Sweezus.

I know that, says Arthur. Meet you at Bunnings.

Later, at Bunnings.

Sweezus has collected twenty torches in a basket, and brought them to the checkout.

Arthur has added twenty packets of seeds.

Having a gardening-by-torchlight party? asks the checkout person.

Nah, says Sweezus. We're doing a Fringe Show tonight and it might be raining.

Outdoor venue? asks the checkout person. 

Yeah, says Sweezus.

What's the show? asks the checkout person.

Candide, an excerpt, says Sweezus. 

Thought I recognised you! says the checkout person. You play Candide.

Not this year, says Sweezus. 

The checkout person looks at Arthur.

Not me, says Arthur. I'm the sailor.

Costa! says the checkout person. you played Costa, the gardener.

Yes I did, once, says Arthur.

So that's why you want all these seeds, says the checkout person.

Just in case people ask, says Arthur. 

Get a move on! says the next person in the queue. Some of us don't have all day.

The checkout person points to the sign that says aggression won't be tolerated in Bunnings.

These guys are in a Fringe show! says the checkout person.

No kidding, says the next person in the queue. What show is it?

Candide, says Sweezus. Everyone gets a free torch.

And a free umbrella, says Arthur.

And free seeds, says the checkout person.

Free stuff at a Fringe show!

Word is passed down the queue.

Underlit By Torchlight

Sweezus decides he should run through his AI idea with the boss.

What is it? asks Vello.

Ageless'll be doing the shipwreck scene, says Sweezus.

I know, says Vello.

But only the falling overboard part, says Sweezus.

Has he been practising? asks Vello. 

Yeah he has, says Sweezus. And Belle's making him padded trousers.

Excellent, says Vello. Does that mean Denis will also need padded trousers?

No I don't think so, says Sweezus. Belle's making them out of the red knitted sheep shorts, and the Old Lady's buttock padding.

Ingenious of her, says Vello. So why are you here?

I was thinking I could make Ageless look more like Denis using AI, says Sweezus.

That would certainly help, says Vello. How would you do it?

Just alter his face, says Sweezus. 

Yes that should do, says Vello. You have my permission.

Cool, says Sweezus. I'll start work on it now.

He goes back to his desk and computer. 

He calls up a picture of Denis's face.

And a picture of the face of a lobster.

And begins to combine them. 

It's not even that hard.

Meanwhile Vello is looking at the weather forecast for the weekend.

Heavy rain is predicted, and possible flooding. Thunderstorms too.

And they're performing Candide in the Piglet.

This could be a disaster! groans Vello.

What could? asks David.

The weather! says Vello. We're in an open air venue.

Don't we have insurance? asks David.

Insurance! says Vello. Too expensive!

Then we need to provide umbrellas, says David. 

And what if the power goes off? asks Vello.

Torches, says David.  The show must go on.

Vello is comforted, to some extent. 

Torches. 

A cheap solution. And they can be returned, if they're not needed.

Ditto the umbrellas.

Of course Sweezus's AI face won't work without power. 

But, underlit by torchlight, doesn't everyone look liker a lobster?  

Sophisticated Enough

I'll wear padded trousers, says Ageless.

That's all very well, says Gaius, but I don't have anything that will fit you.

Call Belle, says Henriette. She might have something.

Of course! says Gaius.

He calls Belle.

Hello Gaius, says Belle. How is Denis?

Recovering, says Gaius, but he's reluctant to fall off the table.

I see, says Belle. So it'll have to be Ageless.

Only in the shipwreck scene, says Gaius. Denis will perform the rest of the excerpt.

Crikey! says Belle. How will the audience take it? 

I see what you mean, says Gaius. Suddenly Candide turns into a lobster, falls overboard and on reaching landfall becomes a young man again.

A tricky one, says Belle.

A naive one, says Gaius.

 I meant the whole situation, says Belle. Not Candide himself.

Oh, right, says Gaius. Well, Ageless has requested padded trousers, to protect his carapace. Do you have such a costume?

Only the Old Lady's buttock padding, says Belle. But she's not in it this year, so I suppose I could use it.

Isn't it a bit large? asks Gaius.

That shouldn't matter, says Belle. Ageless is smaller than Denis. The padded trousers will bulk him up nicely.

I'll leave it to you then, says Gaius.

No worries, says Belle.

She looks into the prop box. 

Finds the Old Lady's padding. 

Now, what about the trousers?

She rummages lower.

Yes! The red knitted sheep shorts that Terence wore a few years ago when he played the red sheep.

With a hole in the back for the tail.

Perfect. They just need a wash before she sews in the padding.

Who are they for? asks Sweezus, who is taking a coffee break.

Ageless, says Belle. He's playing Candide in the shipwreck. 

Cool, says Sweezus. But hey.... won't that look kind of funny?

Yes it will look kind of funny, says Belle. We'll just have to hope the audience is sophisticated enough to accept it.

Remember last year when I did all those AI effects? says Sweezus.

Yes, says Belle. They were awesome.

Maybe I could do one for Ageless, says Sweezus. Make him look more like Denis.

You haven't got long, says Belle.

Just the face, says Sweezus. That should be easy.

Okay see how you go, says Belle.

She imagines how Ageless will look with red padded sheep shorts,

Knitted hat, 

Claws,

And Denis's face.

Big Lobster Trousers

Gaius and Denis have gone home.

Denis is sitting in a comfortable chair with his foot up.

He is talking to Ageless.

I may be all right by tomorrow, says Denis. But you need to be ready in case.

Ever ready, that's me, says Ageless. Shall I practise falling off the table?

Yes, says Denis. That's the part I'm most reluctant to do.

Cup of tea, Denis? asks Gaius, looking into the room.

Yes thanks, says Denis. And a couple of pillows.

Pillows? says Gaius. 

Ageless is going to practise falling off the table, says Denis.

Ah, yes, says Gaius. We don't want him cracking his carapace.

I know how to fall without breaking my carapace, says Ageless.

You may think so, says Gaius. But these tiles are quite hard.

He goes into his bedroom and comes back with two pillows.

Ageless is now on the table.

Denis has turned his chair round to watch.

Baby Pierre is also watching, from the window sill.

Gaius arranges the pillows on the floor below Ageless.

Ageless curls up slowly and drops.

Floop.

Well done, says Gaius.

What was supposed to happening? asks Baby Pierre.

A violent storm, during which the deck splits in two, says Gaius. Candide, Pangloss and the sailor are washed overboard.

I didn't get that, says Baby Pierre. It was more like he decided to roll into the water.

My first try, says Ageless. This time, rock the table.

All right says Gaius. Although it's not easy to rock this table. But it does come apart in the middle.

What for? asks Denis.

An extension, says Gaius. In case I have multiple guests.

Ageless has climbed back onto the table.

Ready, says Ageless, expecting the table to start rocking. 

Instead the table opens up underneath him.

He lands on the folded extension, amongst fallen crumbs.

Sorry, says Gaius. I forgot that you couldn't fall right through it.

No harm done, says Ageless.

He moves away from the folded extension. 

Gaius closes the gap in the middle.

Now rock the table, says Baby Pierre. 

Gaius tries, but the effect is unconvincing.

Henriette comes in from the bathroom, with wet hair.

Care to lend a hand? asks Gaius. I'm rocking the table so that Ageless can practise falling off it.

Sure, says Henriette. She starts rocking the table.

Denis watches her fondly.

She may have small hands, but she's strong.

Ageless falls off the table, realistically. 

Better, says Baby Pierre. Now do it without the pillow.

He'll need some kind of padding, says Henriette. 

Big lobster trousers, suggests Baby Pierre.

Ageless jumps at the idea of big lobster trousers.

Extra Funny Part

It looks a bit comical, says Vello.

That's okay, says Belle. The audience will like it.

What's comical? asks Terence.

You leading Gaius away with the grabber, says Belle. You're kind of low down.

What if I had stilts? asks Terence.

No more props, says Vello. We'll go with it.

I thought it was meant to be funny, says Denis.

Not that part, says Vello.

Well now there's an extra funny part, says Denis. Ouch!

What now? asks Vello.

My ankle, says Denis. It hurts.

Not another damn funny part! snaps Vello.

Sit down Denis, says Belle. I'll find you some ice.

Denis sits down again, and starts rubbing his ankle.

Lucky you don't have a fight scene, says Sweezus.

But I have to fall overboard, says Denis. 

Shit yeah, says Sweezus. 

Belle comes back with the ice.

Your ankle looks very swollen, says Belle. 

I'll manage, says Denis. 

Remember you do have an understudy, says Belle. Should we alert him?

Understudy? asks Vello.

Ageless, remember? says Belle. You agreed.

What possessed me? says Vello.

Forethought, says Belle. 

Vello realises she's right. Yes it was certainly forethought to appoint an understudy for Candide. Pity it had to be a lobster. On the plus side, Ageless has his own red knitted hat.

Alert him, says Vello.

We'll do that, says Gaius. Shall we go Denis? Can you make it down the stairs?

If someone aids me, says Denis.

I'll do it, says Sweezus.

He helps Denis down the stairs. Gaius calls a taxi.

Sweezus comes back up the stairs.

Denis is gutted, says Sweezus.

He didn't look gutted to me, says Vello.

He really wants to be in it, says Sweezus. And his name's on the fliers.

Alors! says Vello. So it is.

Maybe his ankle will be better by tomorrow, says Belle. Or...

Or what? asks Vello.

Or Ageless could act as a stuntperson, says Belle. Denis does everything but fall overboard.

A fine solution, but for one thing, says Vello. Ageless is hardly Denis's double.

Yes. This fact does seem insurmountable