He Is Not Sideways

Margaret heads down the Hume Highway, towards Canberra.

Katherine gazes out of the window, at trees.

Gaius, in the back seat,  peruses his notes on the green and golden bell frog.

Terence is whispering to Prawny.

Because Prawny has whispered to Terence that he's feeling scared.

Nothing bad will happen, whispers Terence.

Except I'll get drier and drier, whispers Prawny.

So drink water, whispers Terence.

What are you two whispering about? asks Gaius.

Prawny wants a drink of water, says Terence.

Gaius doesn't have any water.

I have water, says Katherine. He can have some of mine.

She hands Gaius a bottle of springwater.

Easier said than done, says Gaius. 

Tip some into your hand, says Katherine.

Hold these notes Terence, says Gaius.

He gives Terence his notes.

Then he unscrews the lid from the bottle of springwater, and tips some into his hand.

With his other hand he lifts Prawny up to the water.

Swuurp-ahh! says Prawny, sucking up a small amount of water.

Can you finish it? asks Gaius.

No, says Prawny. I don't want to vomit.

Curses, says Gaius. Now what do I do?

What's the matter, Gaius? asks Margaret.

I have a handful of water, says Gaius.

For goodness sake, says Margaret. Just suck it up.

Gaius is obliged to suck up the water, which tastes vaguely of prawn.

He dries his hand on his chinos.

Notes please, Terence, says Gaius.

Wait, says Terence. I want to look at the bell frog I coloured.

The bell frog is on the first page.

Look Prawny, says Terence. 

I saw it before, says Prawny. 

Yes but this is a lesson, says Terence.

Okay, what's the lesson? asks Prawny.

Close your eyes, says Terence. 

I've only got one eye, says Prawny. This other one's my mouth hole

Close the eye hole, says Terence. Now what does the green and golden bell frog looks like?

Green and golden, says Prawny.

I gave you a clue, says Terence.

Okay, don't give me a clue, says Prawny.

What else does it look like? asks Terence.

Warty, says Prawny. And with one beady eye.

That's because it's sideways, says Terence. 

Yes, says Gaius. This is a side view. They have, in fact,  two beady eyes.

Okay, says Prawny. I get it.

But he is not happy, because he's not sideways, and has only one eye.

It's a useful thing you're doing, Terence, says Gaius. Prawny can help us spot frogs.

He may even attract them, says Margaret. 

Prawny cheers up, not having understood what she is implying.

Lasting Longer

That was delicious, says Katherine.

As was mine, says Gaius.

Mine too, says Margaret. Everyone finished?

No, says Terence. Prawny hasn't finished his milkshake.

I can't fit any more in, says Prawny.

Prawny is very small, says Katherine.

At least now he's hydrated, says Margaret.

Yes, that's a good thing, says Katherine. He'll last longer.

Okay, I'll have the rest of it, says Terence. So I can last longer.

You don't need to worry about lasting longer, says Gaius.

So why does Prawny? asks Terence.

Prawny is different, says Gaius. You're made of cement.

And Prawny has been cooked, says Margaret. It's surprising he's here at all really.

I don't like where this talk is going, says Prawny.

Me either, says Terence.

I'm not surprised, says Katherine. I shouldn't have said anything.

Never mind. Seize the day, says Gaius.

Let's do that, says Margaret. I'll drive the last stretch to Canberra. 

Does Minnie know when we're arriving? asks Katherine.

I suppose I should phone her, says Margaret.

She phones Minnie.

Minnie does not answer.

I'll text her, says Margaret.

She texts her sister: WE SHOULD BE ARRIVING AT 12. 

Done, says Margaret.

They get into Katherine's car.

And head for the Hume Highway.

How long is this going to be? asks Terence.

Two hours fifty minutes, says Margaret.

I feel sick, says Prawny.

Prawny feels sick, says Terence.

Is he going to vomit? asks Katherine.

Yes, says Terence.

What's vomit? asks Prawny.

When the milkshake comes back out, says Terence.

It's coming! says Prawny.

Have you got anything for him to be sick in? asks Katherine.

No, says Gaius. I only have my notes.

Any blank pages? asks Katherine.

They're notes, says Gaius. There are no blank pages.

Too late now anyway.

Bluh!

Prawny has brought up a miniscule amout of strawberry milkshake.

That was hardly anything, says Terence.

Where did it go? asks Katherine.

Down his front, says Terence.

Does that mean I'm still hydrated? asks Prawny.

Does it? asks Terence.

Not exactly, says Gaius.

Prawny does not like the sound of this answer.

Cannot But Breakfast

Are we stopping for breakfast in Wagga? asks Katherine.

That's the plan, says Margaret.

Are we there yet? asks Terence.

Almost, says Katherine. We're five minutes away.

Keep playing, says Terence.

Cannot but Breakfast, says the prawn.

That's an ANSWER, says Terence.

I know, says the prawn.

First there has to be question, says Terence.

There's a challenge, says Gaius.

Where? asks Terence.

To come up with a question, says Gaius. 

Too late, says Terence. I already know the answer.

It's an intellectual challenge, says Margaret. 

Harder than a game, says Katherine.

Okay, says Terence. What was the answer again? 

Cannot But Breakfast, says the prawn. And I'm sorry I stuffed up the game.

What if...? begins Terence.

He hesitates.

Are you stuck? asks the prawn.

No, says Terence, just thinking.

Everyone is quiet while Terence thinks of a question to which the answer is Cannot But Breakfast.

Thought of one yet? asks Margaret. We're nearly in Wagga.

Yes, says Terence. And it's long.

Out with it, says Gaius.

What if you got up early to drive to Wagga, and you hadn't had breakfast? asks Terence.

If you asked that, I'd guess it straight away, says the prawn.

Why? asks Terence.

Because breakfast is in it, says the prawn. And breakfast starts with B.

You shouldn't have asked such an easy answer, says Terence.

Katherine pulls up outside the Bayleaf Café in Wagga.

Cannot But Breakfast, says Katherine.

Everyone gets out of the car.

They go in, sit down at a table, and look at the breakfast menu.

Double Bacon and Egg Roll, Corn and Zucchini Fritters, Avo on Toast, Pancakes, French Toast with Seasonal Berries, Cheesy Omelet, Mushroom Madness.

Mmm, says Katherine. I'm thinking I'll have Avo on Toast.

Very trendy, says Margaret. I'll have the French Toast with seasonal berries.

Gaius toys with the idea of Mushroom Madness.

But settles for a Cheesy Omelet.

What can we have? asks Terence.

We? says Gaius. 

Me and my parrot, says Terence.

So your prawn is promoted to parrot? says Katherine.

Yes, says Terence. Because it's good at Cannot But Be.

This calls for a celebration, says Gaius. What would you like?

What would you like, Prawny? asks Terence.

A Double Bacon and Egg Roll, says Prawny.

Woo! says Terence. It wouldn't fit in your mouth hole.

Prawny looks disappointed.

In the end, Terence and Prawny agree on a strawberry milkshake.

The Prawn Ponders

Not correct, says Terence. It WAS a giant potato, then it was a potato inside a giant potato, then it was two normal potatoes.

I meant the whole thing, says the prawn.

The whole thing is my florin costume, says Terence. 

What's it for? asks the prawn.

Me, says Terence. I wear it.

When? asks the prawn.

Not yet, says Terence. You ask too many questions.

It's good to ask questions, says Gaius.

Okay I'll ask one, says Terence. Do you know how to play Cannot But Be?

I've never quite got the hang of it, says Gaius.

I always thought you invented it, says Katherine.

Only the title, inadvertently, says Gaius. 

Anyway, I wasn't asking Gaius, says Terence. I was asking the prawn.

What? asks the prawn.

Can you play Cannot But Be? says Terence.

What are the rules? asks the prawn.

You ask a question, and the other person answers, says Terence.

You need to give your prawn an example, says Gaius.

Okay, says Terence. Pretend that I'm me.

You are you, says Margaret. You should ask it to pretend that it's you.

Are you playing? asks Terence.

No, just listening, says Margaret.

Good, says Terence. 

He addresses the prawn.

Pretend I'm the asker and you're the answerer.

The prawn pretends, and waits for the question.

What if there were two bees? says Terence.

The prawn ponders.

Cannot But Bees? says the prawn.

You're very good at this, says Terence.

The prawn always knew that it would be.

Your turn, says Terence.

What can that delicious smell be? asks the prawn.

Is this the game or what? asks Terence.

The game, says the prawn. 

I don't know, says Terence. What's the answer?

Cannot But Barbecue! says the prawn.

A sophisticated question and answer, says Katherine. Well done, prawn!

I taught him the game, says Terence.

Well done you too, says Katherine.

City Of Good Sports

We need to get going, says Margaret. 

I haven't finished my tea, says Katherine.

Nor I, says Gaius.

Drink up. We'll have a proper breakfast in Wagga, says Margaret.

Katherine and Gaius gulp down the rest of their tea.

Everyone ready? asks Margaret.

Everyone is, except Terence, who can't find his parrot.

I can't find my parrot, says Terence.

You don't have a parrot, says Margaret.

Just because it can't fly yet doesn't meant it's not a parrot, says Terence.

A triple negative! says Katherine. Let's unpack it.

Who packed it? asks Terence.

I meant unpack your triple negative, says Katherine. 

Are we talking about that dead prawn thing? asks Margaret. 

Obviously, says Katherine. Terence was just saying that when it can fly it will function as a parrot.

Not necessarily, says Gaius. I think he intended us to believe it's already a parrot.

Well, I dropped it in the bin, says Margaret. I didn't think he would want it.

I do want it! says Terence.

The parrot-prawn is retrieved from the bin. Luckily, not much else had been in it,

Just a few apple peelings. and a well-used wedge of lemon.

They head to Reception.

Checking out? asks Reception.

Yes, says Margaret. We're heading to Wagga for breakfast.

You'll like Wagga, says Reception. They call it the City of Good Sports.

Why is that? asks Katherine.

A lot of famous sports persons come from Wagga, says Reception.

How fascinating, says Katherine. Who for example?

Oh, now you're asking, says Reception. Let me think....Mark Taylor... Paul Kelly... Melanie Twitt...

A former hockeyroo co-captain, says Katherine. I've heard of her.

Yes, that's her, says Reception.

It is always good to have a chat with Reception before leaving.

At last they get away.

Now they're in Katherine's car, heading to Wagga.

Katherine is driving.

Terence is in the back seat with Gaius, and the prawn.

This trip is boring, says Terence.

Talk to your prawn, says Gaius. That will help to pass the time pleasantly.

Okay, says Terence.

He begins to talk to his prawn. 

Don't worry about not being able to fly yet, says Terence.

Why? asks the prawn.

There are more things to learn, says Terence.

What? asks the prawn.

Knowing what things are, says Terence. Guess what this is?

Terence points at his florin costume, which is wedged between the back of the passenger seat and Gaius's knees.

A giant potato? guesses the prawn.

An intelligent guess, or does the prawn think everything's a giant potato?

Lemon Surprise

Katherine makes three cups of tea.

Margaret slices Gaius's last apple.

Gaius looks for the wedge of lemon.

Look in the bin, says Katherine.

Ah yes. The wedge of lemon is there in the bin.

Now where's the black pen?

Can we keep it? asks Terence.

Not if I get it working again, says Gaius. I must return it to Gerald.

It wasn't HIS! says Terence.

Hers, then, says Gaius. I wonder which room they were in?

Go and ask at Reception, says Katherine.

You should go now, says Margaret. They might check out early.

Don't go now, says Terence.

But Gaius has got the pen working, and goes now.

You're bright and early, says Reception.

I need to catch Gerald and his companion before they leave, says Gaius.

Gerald? says Reception.

That's all I know of his name, says Gaius. Their pen wasn't working, but I've managed to fix it.

How kind, says Recption. You can leave it with me if you like.

I will, says Gaius. My cup of tea will be getting cold. 

Were you all comfortable last night? asks Reception.

We were, indeed, says Gaius.

What about the little guy? asks Reception. Did he look out of the window? Did he colour his frog?

Not only that, says Gaius. He gave his potato spun prawn a flying lesson.

They're normally meant for eating, says Reception.

I know, says Gaius. But he isn't allowed to eat solids.

Did it learn how to fly? asks Reception, expecting no for an answer.

I think not, says Gaius. Except for the bits of potato.

So the cleaners will have a job to do, says Reception.

I believe we've picked it all up, says Gaius.

Excellent, says Reception. Well, don't let your tea get any colder.

Gaius returns to room ten.

A minute later, Gerald and his companion arrive at Reception.

I've a surprise for you, says Reception. 

She shows them the pen.

Gerald takes it.

The gentleman in room ten fixed it, says Reception,. He's just dropped it off.

I wonder if it still smells of prawn, says Gerald's companion.

Smell it, Cloris,  says Gerald.

He thrusts it under her nose.

Sniff.

Lemon! says Cloris.

Morning Movements

Gaius wakes early. 

His feet are cold.

Look, says Terence. Here's my new parrot.

Gaius looks at the new parrot.

It looks more like a prawn.

Where did it come from? asks Gaius.

YOU know! says Terence. My potato spun prawn.

Wheres the potato? asks Gaius.

It fell off when he was learning to fly, says Terence.

So where is it? asks Gaius.

Terence hadn't thought this would matter.

On the floor, says Terence.

I'll clear it up before Katherine and Margaret wake, says Gaius.

He hops off the bed and starts picking up fragments of curly potato.

Margaret stirs. Where is she?

 Oh yes, sleeping in a bed next to Gaius.

She opens one eye.

Gaius's bed is empty. She sits up.

Good morning, Margaret, says Gaius. I trust you slept well?

Very well, says Margaret. What are you doing down there?

Picking up bits of potato, says Gaius. 

I'll help you, says Margaret. But first I must go to the toilet.

She gets out of bed and goes into the bathroom.

Katherine sits up.

Katherine's awake! says Terence.

No wonder, says Gaius 

What's going on? asks Katherine.

Gaius is picking up the potato that fell off my parrot when I was teaching it to fly, says Terence. And Margaret's going to help when she's been to the toilet.

I've been, says Margaret, emerging.

I'll help too after I've been, says Katherine.

Gaius keeps picking up tiny shreds of potato.

Parrot? thinks Katherine, as she sits on the toilet. I bet it's that prawn!

When she comes out, there is a pile of potato parts on the table.

Terence, says Katherine, surely you don't expect a dead prawn to fly?

It's trying, says Terence.

It's the prawn he had at dinner, says Margaret. 

I guessed that, says Katherine.

It just needs better wings, says Terence.

Better than what? asks Katherine.

The ones I drew with the black pen, says Terence.

So! says Margaret. You used the black pen on the prawn again, after Gaius had fixed it.

Better test it, says Katherine. Do we still have the wedge of lemon?

The question is for Gaius, who last used the lemon.

But Gaius is now in the toilet.