Progress Of Sorts

Cool poem, says Sweezus. Is that your Willy Hill one?

Yes, says Arthur.

There's no place in Candide for a Willy Hill poem, says Vello.

And Hedley's mother wouldn't like it, says Belle.

That's beside the point, says Vello. 

Did I mention Willy Hill in the poem? asks Arthur. I didn't.

Yeah it could be about anywhere, or anything, says Sweezus

True, says Gaius. But we know it's about cycling in horrendous conditions.

The knees give it away, says Denis.

If you tweak it to be about the Lisbon earthquake I might reconsider, says Vello. 

Forget it, says Arthur.

Your choice, says Vello. Very well, I'll write the poem.

Go ahead, says Arthur. 

Let's get on with the rehearsal, says Denis. I've got other things to do.

Me too, says Terence.

He goes back to the circle of cardboard to work on his potato.

Ageless is already there, painting it yellow.

You painted over the first potato, says Terence.

You only need one potato, says Ageless.

I need two potatoes, says Terence. One for each saint.

Then they should be the same size, says Ageless.

Okay, says Terence. Let's start again.

You'll have to wait till the paint dries, says Ageless.

Can't you just wipe it off? asks Terence.

If I did that, it would reveal the original smaller potato, says Ageless.

So what? says Terence. 

There would be three potatoes, says Ageless. One more than we want.

Okay, let's wait, says Terence. 

We can watch the rehearsal, says Ageless. 

Denis has put on his red finger-knitted hat, which isn't quite finished. A long red thread is still attached to his finger.

He is rehearsing the part where he has been wounded by flying splinters, immediately after the earthquake.

He drops to the floor, and cries: Fetch me wine and oil! I am dying!

Gaius, as Dr Pangloss is about to explain that earthquakes are nothing new and all for the best when it strikes him that if it had been a volcano Arthur's poem would have been appropriate. A red wave descends from the summit......wasn't that it? He might suggest it to Vello.

Meawhile Denis's hat has begun to unravel.

Denis sits up to re-finger-knit it.

The paint dries on the potato.

Going Too Far

That doesn't look like a potato, says Hedley.

Irrelevant, says Ageless. Give me a snog.

What's a snog? asks Hedley.

Sloppy kisses, says Ageless. That's what I'm paying for.

Yuck, says Hedley.

Come here, Hedley, says his mother.

Hedley goes back to his mother.

Don't worry about that nasty lobster, says Hedley's mother. He's not going to be in it.

He certainly isn't, says Vello. At least not as a sailor.

Good, says Hedley's mother. We'll be off now. When will Hedley be getting his costume?

Should be ready by tomorrow's rehearsal, says Belle. 

What's it like? asks Hedley.

Belle shows him a sketch of the costume.

I'm giving you a kilt, says Belle. With a safety pin at the front. And that school tie would look good with it. Your school needn't know.

Is he supposed to be a minor? asks Hedley's mother. 

She is looking at Vello.

He is supposed to be a girl of easy virtue, says Vello. Her age is not mentioned.

But you wrote it, says Hedley's mother. You must know.

All right, says Vello. She's twenty one. Happy?

Hedley's mother walks out with Hedley.

Twenty one. At least Hedley looks happy.

How old am I? asks Terence.

I knew it! says Vello. 

What? asks Terence.

That you'd ask, says Vello. The henchman is thirty two and a half, and the florin is from the twelfth century.

Great. Both are older than Hedley.

Arthur comes into the office.

You're late, says Vello. Where were you?

Sorry, slept in, says Arthur.

Ageless took your place in the scene with Hedley, says Vello.

How did that go? asks Arthur.

Ageless went too far, says Vello. I need to be sure you won't do the same.

Okay, says Arthur. Let's run through it. Who'll  play Hedley?

Me, says Terence.

Not you, says Vello. How about you, Belle?

Love to, says Belle.

Hello lovely, says Arthur. 

Hello sailor, says Belle.

Do you like poetry? asks Arthur.

Yes, no, maybe, says Belle.

You'll like this, says Arthur:

 Hot knees pounding, heat grinding sinews to sludge, black blood shrieks behind sightless eyes, a red wave descends from the summit as I rise.

Now YOU've gone too far, says Belle.

Hello Lovely

What is Ageless doing here? asks Vello. And why is he wearing Candide's hat?

It's his own hat, says Gaius. Denis is making another one for himself.

Nearly ready, says Denis, producing a string of red finger-knitting.

But what is he doing here? asks Vello.

Ageless decides it's time to speak for himself.

There are certain persons who would pay money to see me as Candide, says Ageless.

O-ho! says Vello. who are these certain persons?

Henriette is one, says Ageless. 

She only thinks he would make a good understudy, says Denis. And he knows all the lines.

Very well, says Vello. Ageless shall be Denis's understudy.

Thank you, says Ageless. Shall I run through my part?

No, just observe Denis, says Vello. On second thoughts, make yourself useful.

I've just finished moulting, says Ageless. 

You can help Terence paint his potato, says Belle.

Yes, says Terence. On the back of my costume.

A potato? says Hedley. I thought you were a florin.

Florins had potatoes on the back, says Terence.

News to me, says Hedley's mother.

It's okay, says Belle. The potato represents a couple of minor saints, in place of John the Baptist, for obvious reasons.

Hedley's mother can't see the obvious reasons, but doesn't pursue it, since the florin is not Hedley's part.

Belle gives Terence a permanent marker, and Ageless a paintbrush.

Go for it, boys, says Belle.

Terence starts to draw a potato,

Too small! says Ageless.

Terence draws another potato around the too small potato.

Already the potato is not looking like a potato.

Right! says Vello. We'll do the scene with Hedley and the sailor. Where's Arthur?

Not here yet, says Sweezus. 

Hedley has to go soon, says Hedley's mother. School starts at nine.

Anyone know Arthur's lines? asks Vello.

Me! says Terence. Hello lovely! Do you like POEMS?

I'm not doing it with Terence, says Hedley.

I'll do it, says Ageless. Hello lovely, do you like poems?

Yes, no, maybe, says Hedley.

Or perhaps you prefer potatoes, says Ageless. Come with me and I'll show you a special one.

Hedley looks at his mother.

Just go with it, Hedley. We're late, says his mother.

Okay, says Hedley.

He follows Ageless towards the special potato.

Anty Master

Early next morning, in the office.

A second rehearsal.

Belle is painting a fleur de lys on a circle of cardboard.

Is that for the florin costume? asks David.

Yes, says Belle. This is the front. I'm leaving the back blank, so that Terence can draw the potato.

Terence is watching Sweezus who is typing.

Nearly done, says Sweezus.

Are they your lines? asks Terence.

No little buddy, says Sweezus. They're your lines.

Florins dont TALK, says Terence.

It's a play, so the florin can talk, says Sweezus.

Do YOU talk? asks Terence.

No, says Sweezus. How bad would it look if James the Anabaptist started boasting?

About what? asks Terence.

How generous and kind he is, says Sweezus. That's why the florin should say it.

Will I get more lines than Hedley? asks Terence.

That depends, says Sweezus.

Okay, says Terence. What do I say?

Right, says Sweezus. I'm standing here and you're standing next to me. You say Greetings audience, I am a florin and this is James the Anabaptist my generous master.

That's a long line, says Terence.

You could leave out Greetings audience, says Sweezus.

It's still long, says Terence.

Try it, says Sweezus. I am a florin and this is James the generous Anty Master, says Terence.

Close, says Sweezus. Next you say: He gave me to Candide when he was down and out and no one else would help him.

So why am I with you? asks Terence.

Because this is a prequel, says Sweezus. It hasn't happened yet.

So how do I know about it? asks Terence.

Can you just say it? asks Sweezus. If it's too long I'll cut it.

What was it? asks Terence.

He gave me to Candide, when he was down and out and no one else would help him, says Sweezus.

Hedley comes in with his mother

You're late, says Vello.

Sorry, says Hedley's mother. Hedley couldn't find his school tie.

Did he find it? asks Belle. It might make a quirky addition to his costume.

I don't think Hedley's school would like that, says Hedley's mother.

Guess what? asks Terence. I've got two long lines.

How come? asks Hedley.

Because James the Anty can't boast, so I have to boast for him, says Terence.

Hedley looks at the lines on Sweezus's screen.

He gave me to Candide when he was down and out and no one else would help him, reads Hedley.

Good one, Hedley, says Sweezus. You sound just like a florin.

Terence, the real florin, is mad.

There's Always Me

Back at Gaius's house, Henriette is talking to Ageless. who is no longer moulting.

They should be here soon, says Henriette. Denis sent me a text.

Is he bringing my hat? asks Ageless. 

Looks like it, says Henriette. He sent me a photo.

She shows Ageless the photo.

In it, Denis wears Ageless's hat.

He's playing Candide, says Henriette. Belle thinks it makes him look younger.

Younger! scoffs Ageless.

But it does, says Henriette. Don't you think so?

By hiding his bald patch, says Ageless. Anyone would look younger. Even me.

I'd pay money to see that, says Henriette.

What? asks Ageless.

You as Candide, says Henriette.

The front door opens. 

Terence runs in, followed by Gaius and Denis.

Guess what! cries Terence. I've got two parts.

Snap, says Ageless.

What does that mean? asks Terence.

He means he's stopped moulting, says Henriette. His other parts are in the bucket.

Excellent, says Gaius. You're looking good, Ageless. Isn't he, Denis?

Positively gleaming, says Denis.

I'm still a bit tender, says Ageless. I'd appreciate the return of my hat.

Certainly, says Denis, but I've been cast as Candide, and the hat's to be part of my costume.

My hat! says Ageless.

Which I made, says Denis.

Make another one, says Ageless.

I suppose I could, says Denis.

Of course you could, says Henriette. And then there'd be two hats, and Ageless could act as your understudy in case anything happens.

What might happen? asks Terence.

Denis might have an accident, says Henriette.

And I could take over, says Ageless. I know all the lines. The Day of Judgement has come! Nothing is more likely! Oil and wine, for pity's sake! and so on...

Impressive, says Gaius. But you do have problem, being a lobster.

I have no problem being a lobster, says Ageless.

Like me, says Terence, I have no problem being a florin.

Are you a florin? asks Henriette. Is that one of your parts? How amazing!

I'm having a flower on the front and a potato on the back, says Terence. And yellow socks and gold hair in case my curls are showing.

And your other part? asks Henriette.

Hingeman, says Terence.

Henchman, says Gaius. His job is to stop pouring wine, at a certain signal, and seize me.

With a grabber, says Terence.

A mechanical grabber, says Gaius. Belle thinks there's one in the prop box.

And if there isn't, there's always me..., says Ageless, waving his dominant claw.

It Means More Than It Does

Terence has gone home with Gaius and Denis.

Sweezus is working on his prequel.

Belle looks over his shoulder.

Found out what an Anabaptist is yet? asks Belle.

Yeah, I was right, says Sweezus. It's a weirdo religion.

But he's meant to be a good person, says Belle.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Worthy and generous, with a silk manufacturing business.

Hence the florin, says Belle. Terence has designed a cool florin costume, by the way.

Don't make it heavy, says Sweezus. I have to lift him.

He'll have legs, says Belle. You won't have to lift him.

A florin with legs? says Sweezus. 

In yellow socks, says Belle. And a few gold curls at the top.

Sweezus tries to visualise the florin, but lacks a few details.

And what's in the middle? asks Sweezus. 

A fleur de lys on the front, says Belle. Very authentic. 

And the back? asks Sweezus.

A potato, says Belle. Before you ask, it represents Saints Méen and Maclou.

How come they're on it? asks Sweezus.

Saint John was too hard, says Belle. Although he was more authentic.

John the Baptist? says Sweezus. It's good it's not him though.

Why? asks Belle. Because James is an Anabaptist?

Yeah, says Sweezus. People might think it means more than it does.

They might think the same about a potato, says Belle.

How can a potato mean more than it does? asks Sweezus.

The Irish Potato Famine, says Belle. When was that?

Dunno, says Sweezus. Anyhow the potato'll be at the back of him, yeah?

Yes, says Belle. And it may not even be obvious that it's a potato.

Who's drawing it? asks Sweezus.

Him, says Belle.

They both imagine the likely shape of the potato.

A Saintly Potato

Sweezus looks busy.

But Belle comes over.

That's a nice flower, says Belle. But it should be fleur de lys, really.

She draws one on Terence's paper.

What should be on the other side? asks Terence.

I wonder, says Belle. Let's find out shall we?

Okay, says Terence.

Belle takes out her phone taps out a question.

A photo of a florin comes up.

She shows it to Terence.

Who's that old guy? asks Terence.

Saint John, says Belle. Want to try and draw him?

No, says Terence. He has too many details.

He does have a lot of details. A wiggly halo, googly eyes, a bearskin, a cloak, skinny legs, knobby feet, a stick with a cross and something that looks like a telephone. He is pointing at something which might be a bird, or perhaps a number three on its side.

Choose someone else, says Belle. It's your costume.

Terence thinks hard.

What about Saint Maclou or Saint Méen? 

Do they have less details? Not really.

Then Terence has a brainwave.

He draws a potato.

What's that? asks Belle.

Saint Méen's and Saint Maclou's potato, says Terence.

That will do nicely, says Belle.

Will my feet show? asks Terence.

Yes they will, says Belle. They'll poke out of the bottom of your costume. Don't worry. You can wear yellow socks.

What about my head? asks Terence.

It won't show, says Belle. I'll give you some tiny eyeholes.

What if my hair shows? asks Terence.

We'll spray it with gold paint, says Belle. Happy?

Gold hair, yellow socks, tiny eyeholes, a saintly potato.

Yes, Terence is happy.