Stage 18: Voiran to Orcières-Merlette - Boost

A mountain stage.

Things will start to get tough now.

Riders battle to form a breakaway.

Sweezus stays back. 

What's the plan? asks Arthur.

Stay out of trouble, says Sweezus. 

Good plan, says Arthur.

I agree, says Gaius. It wouldn't do to peak early.

They ride steadily.

Prong is flying above them.

Spying.

She flies back to Terence.

Are they winning? asks Terence.

Not yet, says Prong. They don't want to peak early.

Peek at what? asks Terence.

Not that kind of peeking, says Belle. They must be saving their efforts for the final climb. 

What if it's too late then? asks Terence.

That will be bad luck for them, says Belle. But I've put some great treats in their musettes today.

Can I look? asks Terence.

Okay have a quick look, says Belle.

Terence peeks into one of the musettes Belle holds out to him.

It's full of poo! says Terence.

It may look like poo, says Belle. That's something which can't be avoided.

What is it? asks Terence.

The long brown ones or the round black ones? asks Belle.

ALL OF THEM! says Terence.

The brown ones are diots de Savoie, says Belle. Pork sausages with nutmeg and cheese. And the round black ones are Bugey truffles.

Yuck! says Terence. They stink!

But they'll taste delicious and give them a boost of energy, says Belle.

Prong, says Terence, fly back and tell them what they're getting.

Okay, says Prong.

Tell them there's plum cake and aniseed flavoured water as well, says Belle.

Prong flies off, with a long list of items to remember.

She flies over Richard Carapaz, who has made it into a breakaway. 

And is now battling for KOM points with Paret-Peintre. 

Which means she has flown too far ahead of Team Condor.

She turns back.

And lands on Sweezus's handlebar.

Scheisse! says Sweezus. Get off!

I know you find us birds creepy, says Prong, but I come with a warning.

Yeah what? asks Sweezus. Go and tell Arthur.

Prong transfers to Arthur.

What is it? asks Arthur. You're weighing me down, and blocking my view. 

Terence sent me to warn you about the poo in your musettes, says Prong. Don't worry it's edible.

She flies off. 

That is all the warning those rude guys will get.

Arthur decides not to tell Sweezus what Prong said.

It can't be true anyway. 

So the musettes, when they get them, contain a pleasant surprise. 

Sausages and truffles.

They get a big boost of energy.

And the aniseed flavoured water is nice.

They arrive at the finish in Orcières hardly depleted.

Of course they are a long way behind Richard Carapaz.

Who arrived solo, some time before them, and came first

Stage 17: Chambéry to Voiron - Hats Off

A flat stage.

Mads Pedersen is planning to win it.

But so are some others.

The teams ride out from Chambéry.

They make their way up the Col de Basse.

For a flat stage, it's hilly.

David and Vello are grumbling.

I was led to believe it was flat, says David.

So was I, says Vello. It was classified as flat.

You guys should have looked at the profile, says Surfing-with-Whales.

We shouldn't have needed to look at the profile, says Vello.

Yeah well, says Surfing-with-Whales. There are four climbs before it flattens and a sprint near the end.

That is helpful, says Vello. And how did you do yesterday?

You should know, says Surfing-with-Whales.

That's why I'm asking, says Vello.

Middling, says Surfing-with-Whales.  Got the same time as Pablo.

So Pablo was middling as well, says David. 

Whereas we... begins Vello.

I know how you did, says Surfing-with-Whales. But hats off for trying.

I blame the rest day picnic, says David. We overindulged, and did no exercise whatsoever.

That's what rest days are for, says Vello. Why didn't you come to the picnic?

I was testing the sprint course with Pablo, says Surfing-with-Whales. And he gave me some feedback.

Feedback? says Vello. On what?

My poem, says Surfing-with-Whales. Apparently I'm too hung up on one form.

The limerick! says David.

How'd you know? asks Surfing-with-Whales. 

Because your poem about Sweezus's sister was a limerick, says David. 

I didn't even know it WAS a limerick, says Surfing-with-Whales. Anyway. My next one's on hold.

What a pity, says Vello. Or perhaps a good thing. Now why don't you speed up and lead us up the next mountain.

No worries, says Surfing-with-Whales. Follow me.

If only it were that easy.

The Col des Prés is Cat 3, and bendy.

And how are the favourites going?

Breaking away, being reeled back, attacking, keeping their heads down, and so on.

Let's not bother with any more details. 

Does Mads Pedersen win?

No.

Who then?

Jasper Philipsen, followed by Mauro Schmid and Olav Kooij.

We've all heard of them.

Stage 16: Evian-les-bains to Thonon-les-bains - Long Statement

Today it's the individual time trials.

Sweezus is waiting to go.

Terence is waiting with him.

Wish me luck, little buddy, says Sweezus.

Okay, says Terence.

You have to actually say it, says Sweezus.

Good luck, says Terence.

But it is Terence who needs good luck right now

A gendarme is approaching, having located the young person who poured Ribena into the swan fountain yesterday.

The gendarme is about to nab Terence.

When - putain!  A parrot lands on his shoulder.

The gendarme is distracted.

Allez! Mechant peroquet!

It's only a parrot, says Sweezus. Keep still for a second.

I hate birds, says the gendarme.

Me too, normally, says Sweezus. They give me the creeps. 

Oh DO they? says Prong.

Merde! The peroquet parle! says the gendarme.

What? says Terence.

Parle! says the gendarme. Speak.

I was, says Terence. But I wasn't asking you anyway.

He was asking me, says Sweezus. I was indicating that he should try and get away.

Me? says Terence. Why should I?

Because, says the gendarme, you are a suspect.

Next rider is Sweezus, of Team Condor! announces the announcer.

Shit! Gotta go! says Sweezus.

Bonne chance, monsieur, says the gendarme.

Sweezus speeds off to the chute.

Belle arrives to watch Sweezus go down it.

Guess what? I'm a suspect, says Terence.

Oui, says the gendarme. This boy is a suspect. Are you his maman?

Non, says Belle. He is my assistant. 

He was seen polluting a fountain, on the rest day,  says the gendarme.

It must have been an accident, says Belle. He probably tripped and spilt his Ribena.

The swan itself claims otherwise, says the gendarme.

That swan's a bad sport, says Prong.

Argh! says the gendarme, who had forgotten Prong was still on his shoulder.

Come down, Prong, says Belle.

I shall need a statement, says the gendarme.

So Prong flies down to Terence's shoulder.

Belle gives the gendarme a statement.

It is very long statement, including the recipe for farcement, and galette comtoise.

So long that she misses seeing Arthur, Gaius, Vello and David go down the chute.

And not only them.

She is still giving it, when Remco Evenepoel sets off on his way to a win.

And when Tadej Pogacar sets off, and comes second.

Rest Day: Haute Savoie - Swan

A rest day in Evian-les-Bains

Belle has prepared a picnic for Teams Philosophe and Condor.

They meet in a park beside a small cement fountain.

With a view of Lake Geneva.

Is that the lake I fell in once? asks Terence.

Yes, says Belle. 

Can I go near it? asks Terence.

No, says Belle. Stay here with us. 

Can I look at the fountain? asks Terence.

Okay, says Belle.

Terence goes across to the small cement fountain.

There's a cement swan in the middle of the fountain, with water spouting out of its beak.

That's a good trick, says Terence. How do you do it?

But the swan cannot answer, for obvious reasons.

What's to eat? asks Vello.

Try some of this Morbier cheese, says Belle.

She cut him a thick wedge of soft cheese with a line of ash in the middle.

I can taste the ash in this, says Vello.

I won't have any, says David.

Sweezus and Arthur are well into the bottle of Chignin Bergeron Rousanne that Belle has opened.

Good wine, isn't it, says Belle. But do eat some food.

Yeah sure, says Sweezus. What's that thing?

It's a farcement, says Belle. 

Looks like a bacon cake, says Sweezus. 

The bacon strips are only on the outside, says Belle. The filling is made with grated potato, bacon, prunes and raisins. 

Not prunes again! says Sweezus.

You'll love it, says Belle. It's a traditional Sunday lunch, cooked for four hours in a bain marie while the family was at church.

Four hours! says Sweezus. Who goes to church for four hours?

Maybe church was a long way from where they lived, says David.

More wine? asks Belle, opening another bottle.

They eat the farcement, which is very tasty, enhanced by the prunes, and drink the wine which has an aromatic complexity.

Terence runs back to the picnic party.

There's a swan in the fountain, says Terence. 

We can see it, says Gaius. 

Would you like a red drink? asks Belle.

Yes, says Terence. And so would the swan.

No one hears the part concerning the swan.

Terence has not said it loudly.

Belle gives Terence a Ribena and  takes something sweet from the picnic hamper.

What's that? asks Arthur.

A galette comtoise, says Belle. Smell the orange blossom?

Arthur sniffs. 

He has had so much Rousanne that he can't really smell the orange blossom.

But he always likes a choux pastry.

They all do. Even Gaius.

They relax in the sun.

They do not notice that the water spouting out of the swan's beak has turned pink.

Stage 15: Champagnole to Plateau de Solaison - Woo!

Another mountain stage, even harder.

The teams roll out of Champagnole.

The spectcular scenery rolls back behind them.

I suppose Tadej Pogacar will win again, says David.

You never know, says Vello. I heard he was woken very early.

Dear me, says David. That seems unkind.

Jonas Vingegaard is passing. 

What about me? says Jonas Vingegaard.

What about you? asks David.

I was woken even earlier, for the same thing, says Jonas. 

Outrageous, says Vello. You'll have missed your deep sleep.

I have missed it, says Jonas. But at least it's a rest day tomorrow.

Drug tests in the middle of the night! says Vello. I'd tell them where to go!

They wouldn't dare drug test you, says David.

You mean they wouldn't bother, says Vello.

You're probably right, says David. 

Sweezus drops back alongside them.

Hey guys, says Sweezus. 

That was bad luck yesterday, says Vello. Gaius getting a puncture.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Terence pumped it up for him.

Let's hope none of us gets a puncture today, says Vello. 

Can only hope, says Sweezus. Hey, have you seen the parrot?

I haven't, says David.

Nor have I, says Vello. Is it missing?

Nah. It's supposed to be spying, says Sweezus.

On whom? asks Vello.

Basically anyone, says Sweezus. 

A strange task, says David.

It IS a strange task.

But Prong has her curly moustache on, and wants to do it.

She flies over a roundabout, in time to see Jonas Vingegaard crashing, as he exits a bend.

She stops to watch him being treated by the team doctor. 

She sees him get into the team car, his arm in a sling.

She flies to the feeding station, to tell Terence.

Woo! says Terence.

That's a bit tragic, says Belle.

Go and do some more spying, says Terence.

Okay, says Prong.

She flies to the Plateau de Solaison, to watch Tadej win.

But Tadej doesn't.

Nor does his young teamate, Isaac del Toro.

They are both pipped by Remco Evenepoel, in a thrilling finish.

Prong flies back to tell Terence.

Woo! says Terence.

Stage 14: Mulhouse to Le Markstein Fellering - Snail One

A mountain stage. There are three Cat 1 climbs.

It's raining, at the start.

I don't look forward to this, says Vello.

Nor do I, says David. Let's just focus on the finish.

What do we do in the meantime? asks Vello.

Think about something pleasant, says David. Such as food.

I hope Belle has provided something more cohesive than that morbiflette yesterday, says Vello.

She says she has, says David.

The intermediate sprint is being won up ahead, by Jasper Philipsen.

Gaius drops back to tell them.

Jasper Philipsen won the intermediate sprint, says Gaius.  

Was Surfing-with-Whales anywhere near him? asks Vello.

Near enough to feel miffed, says Gaius. 

Hope he won't blame us, says David.

He asked me to tell you, says Gaius. 

That's bad news, says Vello.

Yes, says David. He asked Gaius to tell us. And Gaius has dropped back to do it. Gaius, who is not in our team. Is this some kind of race tactic?

No, says Gaius. I need to pump up my back tyre.

Sure enough, Gaius's back wheel is floppy.

I'm sure Belle will help you, says Vello. And while she's pumping, ask her what's in our musettes.

I already know, says Gaius. Spaetzle and schnackala.

What are those! splutters David. 

Not what you think, says Gaius. Alsatian pasta, and small milk buns shaped like snails.

Hum, says Vello.

I might pass on the pasta and just eat the snails, says David.

Suit yourself, says Gaius. 

He stops to wait for assistance.

Belle arrives with Terence, and a pump.

Terence will pump up your tyre, says Belle.

Thank you Terence, says Gaius. Please do it as fast as you can.

Okay, says Terence. 

He starts pumping.

Want a schnackala? asks Belle.

Gaius accepts a schnackala. He is surprised that his schnackala looks like a little human, not a snail.

They don't all look like snails, says Belle. I didn't think you'd want a snail one.

Very thoughtful, says Gaius.

Terence has finished pumping up the tyre.

Gaius goes on his way.

Up the Col de Page and down again. Up the Ballon d'Alsace.

Well behind Valentin Paret-Peintre, who has won three KOMs.

But why focus on Gaius? 

What's happening at the finish?

Well... there is the Col du Haag.

There is Tadej Pogacar.

Riding solo, to the top.

Stage 13: Dole to Belfort - Cool One

This stage will be hilly, but not till the end.

Every team has high hopes today.

A breakaway of huge numbers forms early.

Fifty seven riders, they say.

Vello and David have stayed in the main peloton.

They can't see Surfing-with-Whales.

Did he join the breakaway? asks David.

I have no idea, says Vello. I was dreaming of that orange coloured nougatine we had yesterday.

It was delicious, agrees David. I wonder what Belle has packed for us today?

It seems they don't know, so let us find out directly.

What's in these? asks Terence.

Morbiflette, says Belle. I hope it holds together.

Want me to squeeze it? asks Terence.

Oh goodness no! says Belle. It would go everywhere.

Okay, says Terence.

So now we know it is morbiflette. 

And we know it might not hold together.

But not what it is.

Okay. Let's see if Surfing-with-Whales is out the front in the breakaway.

There he is now.

He is riding alongside Tom Pidcock.

Poetry! laughs Tom Pidcock.

Takes your mind off the pain, says Surfing-with-Whales.

What pain? asks Tom Pidcock.

If and when, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Maybe on the Ballon d'Alsace, says Tom Pidcock. The Cat 1 near the end.

Is there a Cat 1 near the end? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Yep! says Tom Pidcock. You're a cool one, not knowing.

Um, yeah, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Tom Pidcock speeds up.

 Surfing-with-Whales starts to think up another poem.

There was a young rider from Wales......

Ha ha! Seems he only does limericks.

Back in the peloton, Sweezus, Arthur and Gaius pick up their musettes.

Careful! shouts Belle.

Don't squeeze it! shouts Terence.

WTF! says Sweezus. What is it?

He reaches in.

And brings out a fistful of cheesy potato with bacon.

Arthur reaches into his, with more care.

His morbiflette holds together.

And tastes delicious. 

It helps if you live a charmed life.

Here, says Gaius, offering Sweezus a hankie.

Thanks bro, says Sweezus, wiping his hand on the hankie.

Want it back? 

Keep it, says Gaius. 

Let us fast forward now to the Cat 1 climb, the Ballon d'Alsace.

Mauro Schmid and Tom Pidcock are battling it together.

Tom Pidcock reaches the top first.

Mauro Schmid attacks on the descent. 

So does Harold Tejada.

Mauro Schmid crosses the finish line first, narrowly beating Harold Tejada and Tom Pidcock.

Surfing-with-Whales is ... quite a long way behind.