Furious For A Reason

Vello returns to the stage.

After the earthquake, says Vello.

He exits the stage.

I didn't get that, whispers one Bunnings employee to another.

After the earthquake, whispers the other.

No, I meant when we saw the lobster again after it was supposed to have turned back into a human, whispers the first one.

Yeah, me either, says the Bunnings employee. 

There's not enough dialogue, says the other.

Shh! says Hedley's mother.

She is particularly sensitive because Hedley is in the next part.

Yes. It's started. The sailor is talking to Hedley. 

Hedley looks nice in his kilt. 

Pangloss goes over to remonstrate with the sailor.

This won't do, my friend, says Pangloss. What about the universal rule of Reason?

Bloody hell! says the sailor. I am a sailor and I was born in Batavia. I've been four times to Japan. I'm not the man for your Universal Reason.

The sailor turns to Hedley.

Do you like poetry?

No, yes, maybe, says Hedley.

You'll like this one, says the sailor. It is an ancient mariner, and he stoppeth one of three...

Coleridge, whispers Hedley's mother to one of her friends.

Nice touch, says the friend.

Come with me. I'll show you one I wrote myself, says the sailor. It's called Climbing the Hill.

I can't wait, sailor dear, says Hedley.

The sailor drapes an arm around Hedley and they exit together.

The audience claps even though it's not finished.

They liked the chemistry between the sailor and Hedley.

Candide  is lying on the ground calling to Pangloss. Wine and oil ! I am dying!

Pangloss is thinking aloud.

This earthquake is nothing new. Lima had similar shocks last year. The same causes produce the same effects. There must be a vein of sulphur ....

He stops. Why is the audience laughing?

The lobster has returned with a bottle of springwater. He has Candide's face. And the red knitted hat on.

He offers the water to Candide, who looks furious for some reason.

Dangerous What You're Doing

Vello comes on again. 

Earthquake, says Vello.

He goes off.

Pebbles are rolled across the stage. 

The plank topples out from the wings.

The desks shake and wobble. One overturns.

Dark figures caused this to happen.

Three persons stagger on, from stage left. 

First the sailor, then Pangloss, and the third is Candide, once again being played by Denis.

That's clever, whispers one of Hedley's mother's friends.

Yes, nods another. 

What can be the reason for this phenomenon? asks Pangloss.

The Day of Judgement has come! cries Candide.

The sailor makes his way past the upturned desk and starts rummaging through the pebbles.

 A lobster appears from stage right.

It's dangerous, what you're doing, says the lobster.

What do I care! says the sailor. There'll be good pickings here. 

He picks up a few coins and a bottle.

Now I'm off to find a girl of easy virtue, says the sailor.

Good luck, says the lobster.

The sailor exits the stage.

Candide and Pangloss stare at the lobster.

It still has Candide's face and a red knitted hat on.

Should they address it, or ignore it?

The sailor reappears, and heads straight for the lobster

Come with me! says the sailor. 

Ageless has no choice in the matter. 

He is manhandled away.

Woosh Rumble Cruurck

So that was the prequel.

Sweezus and Terence leave the stage.

Vello appears again.

Behind him, two desks are dragged out, by Arthur and Gaius.

Scene One, says Vello. Tempest and shipwreck. The vessel is pitching and tossing.

He withdraws.

Oh look! There are four people on the desks now.

One is James the Anty, without his florin. Another is obviously a sailor. A third is a man who might be anyone. And a fourth is wearing a red knitted hat and an ankle bandage. This must be Candide.

Sound effects simulate a tempest.

Woosh! Rumble! Cruurck!

Water sloshes across the stage, as from a bucket.

The sailor falls overboard and dangles.

James hauls him back on, and then falls in himself.

The audience holds its collective breath.

Is this when he turns into a lobster?

But no. It's Candide who'll turn into a lobster, and he's just staring at the water as though he's supressing a fart. Although in a tempest why would you bother?

Crack! The desks draw apart, thanks to ropes, barely visible.

Candide sits down on the edge of a desk and edges his way to the dark side.

O wow! He seems to have disappeared altogether.

And lo! A lobster in a red knitted hat has appeared in his place. 

Not exactly in his place. But right next to it.

And look at the lobster! It has Candide's face.

Crack crack! the sailor falls overboard. As does the third man who must be Dr Pangloss. And now the lobster. 

Ageless is making the most of his part as Candide.

He stands up and teeters. 

He makes various facial expressions which he does not know no one can see.

He topples.

Another bucketload of water sloshes towards him.

Woosh!

He flails about in the water.

Splash-plash!

Dr Pangloss is flailing beside him. 

A plank appears, shoved onstage from the wings. 

Pangloss grabs one end. Ageless the other.

Ageless clambers onto it.

Pangloss looks surprised. This was not meant to happen.

Ageless is making victorious gestures.

Pangloss pushes the plank off the stage.

A dark figure gets down from the desk and hobbles off stage after them

This must be the end of Scene One. 

Weeping Potatoes

The audience has been let through the gate. 

Margaret has handed out all her umbrellas, and then gone backstage.

Did you have enough umbrellas? asks Katherine.

No, says Margaret. Some people are sharing.

That's nice, says Katherine. Did you keep one for yourself?

No, says Margaret. 

You can share mine, says Katherine. Let's go and sit down.

The seats are wet, says Belle. Some people are complaining.

Have you got an old towel? asks Margaret.

Belle finds an old rag at the bottom of the prop box, and gives it to Margaret.

Margaret and Katherine look for two vacant seats.

Here Margaret! calls a member of the Geological Society. We've saved a seat for you!

Are there two seats? asks Margaret. 

If we move along one, says the member.

They all move along one.

So Margaret's seat is warm and dry.

Katherine wipes the wet one they were saving for Margaret.

And sits down.

Weren't we supposed to get torches? asks one of the members.

Only in the case of a power cut, says Katherine.

Hush, says Margaret. It's starting.

And it is.

Vello has come onto the stage.

Welcome to our show, all you brave people, says Vello. I see you are well prepared for a tempest and shipwreck. There will be a change in the cast for tonight's performance. Denis Diderot will be playing Candide until he falls overboard, after which his part will be played by a lobster. Once he has swum ashore Denis will take over the part again. This calls for a willing suspension of disbelief on your part. Are you up fot it?

Yes! Yes! call one or two people.

Why a lobster? calls out a member of the Geological Society. Why not another human?

Because the lobster knows the part, says Vello. No more questions, please. There'll be a Q and A later. Enjoy the show, everyone!

He leaves the stage.

Sweezus and Terence come on.

Sweezus is in his plain Anabaptist costume, and Terence is dressed as a florin with an umbrella.

I am a florin, says Terence. And this is James the Anty my generous master. He gave me to Candide when he was down and out, and no one else would help him. 

Terence dances around Sweezus two times, with the open umbrella.

Sweezus makes necessary movements, avoiding the spokes.

Terence stops dancing with his back to the audience so that they can have a good view of the potatoes.

Water has dripped from the umbrella onto the potatoes.

They look like weeping potatoes.

The more knowledgeable of the audience ponder the significance of weeping potatoes on the back of a florin.

Come to Relieve Me

Gluttony. The Piglet.

Fifteen minutes until curtain up.

Or would be, if there was a curtain.

It's drizzling, and the outdoor seats are all wet.

Vello is fretting.

What happens if no one turns up?

Bound to be some keen types, says David.

And we've sold heaps more tickets since yesterday, says Belle.

They will be Margaret's friends, says Katherine.

Katherine has brought five umbrellas.

Did you say Margaret? asks Gaius.

Yes, say Katherine. I asked her to bring her spare umbrellas.

Can I have an umbrella? asks Terence.  

He is already in his florin costume, which is made of cardboard.

Here you are, says Katherine. Try and stay dry.

Terence opens his umbrella.

Hedley appears, with his mother.

Wet night! says Hedley's mother. 

Do I get an umbrella? asks Hedley.

We already have an umbrella, says Hedley's mother.

But HE's got his own, says Hedley.

A queue is forming, at the gate.

Denis hobbles past it, with Ageless.

Look, a lobster, says someone.

It's the understudy, says someone else. 

Of the hobbling guy? asks the first person.

Yeah, that's Denis Diderot, says the second person. He's the one playing Candide.

But he's hobbling, says the first one.

I know, says the second. How cool will it be if the lobster has to take over?

The queues becomes longer.

Some of Hedley's mother's friends, several members of the Geological Society, and three employees from Bunnings.

Margaret bustles past them with a load of umbrellas and makes her way backstage.

She is looking for Gaius, but Gaius has vanished.

He has gone to the gate to check tickets.

It was supposed to be Arthur's job, but Arthur isn't doing it.

When do we get the free umbrellas? asks someone.

When you go through, says Gaius.

What about torches? asks another.

We only have twenty torches, says Gaius. 

Grumbling ensues.

Margaret has found Katherine.

You look nice, says Katherine. 

Yes you do, says Belle. And thanks for bringing all those umbrellas. Would you mind going back to the gate and handing them out?

All right, says Margaret.

She goes back to the gate with her load of umbrellas.

Oh hello, Margaret, says Gaius. Come to relieve me?

She has, but he's already backing away.

People Remember That Time

Sweezus calls Katherine about the umbrellas.

Hey Katherine, says Sweezus. 

Hello dear, says Katherine. 

Where's the best place to buy umbrellas? asks Sweezus.

Do you need an umbrella? asks Katherine. Don't buy one. I have so many.

How many ? asks Sweezus. I need about twenty.

Oh well, says Katherine. I don't have twenty. But I might manage five. Why do you need them?

For the show tonight, says Sweezus. It's meant to rain heaps and we're in an open air venue.

So I've heard, says Katherine. David told me about it.

Yeah, says Sweezus. So can I borrow five?

Four, says Katherine. I need one for myself. 

Are you coming? asks Sweezus.

Of course I'm coming, says Katherine. And if you give me a couple of hours, I'll rustle up sixteen more umbrellas.

Cool, says Sweezus. Arthur said you'd know all about umbrellas.

Did he? says Katherine. 

Yeah, says Sweezus.

I hear he's playing the sailor, says Katherine. 

He is, says Sweezus. But he's bought a few packets of seeds just in case.

Ah! says Katherine. That's very wise of Arthur. People remember that time he played Costa.

I know, says Sweezus. Me and Arthur were in Bunnings and the checkout guy remembered.

There you go, says Katherine. Anyway, leave the umbrellas to me.

Thanks Katherine, says Sweezus.

Katherine calls her friend Margaret.

Katherine! says Margaret. It's been ages!

This may seem like strange question, but how many umbrellas do you have? asks Katherine. 

I have a room full, says Margaret. They're for our field trips.

Excellent, says Katherine. May I borrow them for a Fringe show tonight?

A Fringe show? says Margaret. What is it? A play about the Umbrella Revolution?

No, says Katherine. It's Candide. Every year Vello puts on an excerpt.

Are there umbrellas in it? asks Margaret.

They're for the audience, says Katherine. It's an open air venue.

I shall come along, says Margaret. And I'll invite the rest of the Geological Society.

But won't that use up all your field trip umbrellas? asks Katherine.

I'll ask everyone to bring their own umbrella, says Margaret. And I'll bring the field trip ones.

Lovely, says Katherine. 

Is Gaius in it this year? asks Margaret.

Umm, yes I believe so, says Katherine.

Lovely, says Margaret.

Its a long time since she's seen Gaius.

Too long.

Pity it's going to be raining.

What should she wear?

Twenty Tickets

How many tickets have we sold so far? asks Vello.

Twenty, says Sweezus.

Go out and buy twenty umbrellas and twenty torches, says Vello. And keep the receipts. Use my bankcard

Sure boss, says Sweezus.

Here it is, says Vello.

Sweezus goes out.

Where will he find twenty umbrellas and twenty torches?

No idea. He calls Arthur.

What is it? says Arthur.

I need twenty umbrellas and twenty torches, says Sweezus.

What for? asks Arthur.

The audience tonight. It's supposed to be raining, says Sweezus.

Try Bunnings, says Arthur. They'll have torches.

What about umbrellas, says Sweezus.

Don't know, says Arthur. Try asking Katherine. Old women know all about umbrellas.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Good thinking. She's probably got plenty.

I'll come to Bunnings with you, says Arthur. I want to buy some seeds.

Seeds, as in SEEDS? says Sweezus.

Ones that'll grow into flowers, says Arthur. In a packet with a colourful picture.

You have to take them out of the packet, bro, says Sweezus.

I know that, says Arthur. Meet you at Bunnings.

Later, at Bunnings.

Sweezus has collected twenty torches in a basket, and brought them to the checkout.

Arthur has added twenty packets of seeds.

Having a gardening-by-torchlight party? asks the checkout person.

Nah, says Sweezus. We're doing a Fringe Show tonight and it might be raining.

Outdoor venue? asks the checkout person. 

Yeah, says Sweezus.

What's the show? asks the checkout person.

Candide, an excerpt, says Sweezus. 

Thought I recognised you! says the checkout person. You play Candide.

Not this year, says Sweezus. 

The checkout person looks at Arthur.

Not me, says Arthur. I'm the sailor.

Costa! says the checkout person. you played Costa, the gardener.

Yes I did, once, says Arthur.

So that's why you want all these seeds, says the checkout person.

Just in case people ask, says Arthur. 

Get a move on! says the next person in the queue. Some of us don't have all day.

The checkout person points to the sign that says aggression won't be tolerated in Bunnings.

These guys are in a Fringe show! says the checkout person.

No kidding, says the next person in the queue. What show is it?

Candide, says Sweezus. Everyone gets a free torch.

And a free umbrella, says Arthur.

And free seeds, says the checkout person.

Free stuff at a Fringe show!

Word is passed down the queue.