Stage 13: Dole to Belfort - Cool One

This stage will be hilly, but not till the end.

Every team has high hopes today.

A breakaway of huge numbers forms early.

Fifty seven riders, they say.

Vello and David have stayed in the main peloton.

They can't see Surfing-with-Whales.

Did he join the breakaway? asks David.

I have no idea, says Vello. I was dreaming of that orange coloured nougatine we had yesterday.

It was delicious, agrees David. I wonder what Belle has packed for us today?

It seems they don't know, so let us find out directly.

What's in these? asks Terence.

Morbiflette, says Belle. I hope it holds together.

Want me to squeeze it? asks Terence.

Oh goodness no! says Belle. It would go everywhere.

Okay, says Terence.

So now we know it is morbiflette. 

And we know it might not hold together.

But not what it is.

Okay. Let's see if Surfing-with-Whales is out the front in the breakaway.

There he is now.

He is riding alongside Tom Pidcock.

Poetry! laughs Tom Pidcock.

Takes your mind off the pain, says Surfing-with-Whales.

What pain? asks Tom Pidcock.

If and when, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Maybe on the Ballon d'Alsace, says Tom Pidcock. The Cat 1 near the end.

Is there a Cat 1 near the end? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Yep! says Tom Pidcock. You're a cool one, not knowing.

Um, yeah, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Tom Pidcock speeds up.

 Surfing-with-Whales starts to think up another poem.

There was a young rider from Wales......

Ha ha! Seems he only does limericks.

Back in the peloton, Sweezus, Arthur and Gaius pick up their musettes.

Careful! shouts Belle.

Don't squeeze it! shouts Terence.

WTF! says Sweezus. What is it?

He reaches in.

And brings out a fistful of cheesy potato with bacon.

Arthur reaches into his, with more care.

His morbiflette holds together.

And tastes delicious. 

It helps if you live a charmed life.

Here, says Gaius, offering Sweezus a hankie.

Thanks bro, says Sweezus, wiping his hand on the hankie.

Want it back? 

Keep it, says Gaius. 

Let us fast forward now to the Cat 1 climb, the Ballon d'Alsace.

Mauro Schmid and Tom Pidcock are battling it together.

Tom Pidcock reaches the top first.

Mauro Schmid attacks on the descent. 

So does Harold Tejada.

Mauro Schmid crosses the finish line first, narrowly beating Harold Tejada and Tom Pidcock.

Surfing-with-Whales is ... quite a long way behind.

Stage 12: Circuit Nevers to Chalon-sur-Saone - Ingredients

Another flat stage. Last chance for the sprinters.

The teams ride out. Will there be a breakaway?

Yes. Baptiste Veistroffer.

All by himself.

There are atttacks from the peloton.

Which don't matter.

The countryside looks flat and yellow with the road running through it.

Oh hey. 

Where is Baby Pierre, to sing a song when you need him?

Terence is bored. 

Prong is bored too.

Why don't you do some more spying? asks Terence.

I might later, says Prong.

Want to hear my poem? asks Terence.

I heard it, says Prong. I was up in the tree.

Belle said it was good, says Terence.

I sensed you were jealous, says Prong.

What of? asks Terence.

That hairy bear, says Prong. 

No I wasn't, says Terence.

Come on, says Belle. We've got musettes to give out.

Vello and David ride up.

What have we got? asks David. 

Candouillettes and pompe aux grattons! shouts Belle.

Delightful, shouts Vello.

Sweezus and Arthur swing by and grab theirs.

What did she say was in them? asks Sweezus.

Candouillettes and pompe aux grattons, says Arthur. 

Sweezus peers inside his musette.

Looks like sausages and buns, says Sweezus.

That's all you need to know, says Arthur.

He knows what the ingredients are.

Calf's caul, and pork rinds.

So what else is happening?

Baptiste Veistroffer remains out the front, for a while.

Mads Pedersen wins the intermediate sprint.

More flat riding.

Small towns, chateaux, fields.

At last the finish. Who is coming? Who's at the front of the bunch?

Not Tim Merlier. 

But then.

Tim Merlier zooms out from nowhere and wins.

Stage 11: Vichy to Nevers - Pear Thing

This stage will be flat.

The teams roll out of Vichy.

It rained earlier, and the road is still wet.

Terence kicks at a puddle.

Don't do that, says Belle.

Prong flies down from a street tree and lands on Terence's shoulder.

Prong! says Terence. Where were you?

Spying, says Prong.

Is that why you're wearing your curly whiskers? asks Terence.

Yes it is, says Prong.

Do you know they've stopped being curly? asks Terence.

They must have got wet, says Prong.

Take them off, says Belle. I'll dry them flat in their old shape.

Thank you, says Prong.

Did you spy anything good? asks Terence.

Yes, says Prong. 

Come on, says Belle, we have to move up to the feeding station.

I'll meet you there, says Prong.

She flies off.

Aw, says Terence. She was going to tell me what she spied.

She can tell you later, says Belle. Help me load these musettes.

These green things are stinky, says Terence. What are they?

Stuffed cabbage, says Belle. They're warm, so keep them away from the fruit paste, and don't bend the pear stalks in the piquenchagne.

Woo! says Terence. This lunch is fancy!

Team Condor arrives at the feeding station.

Gaius grabs a musette.

He is elated to discover the stuffed cabbage.

Sweezus and Arthur less so.

Soren Waerenskjold is just passing when he smells the stuffed cabbage and sniffs loudly.

Want some? asks Sweezus.

No way! says Soren Waerenskjold.

He speeds away fast.

This pear thing looks good, says Arthur. But how do you eat it?

He is holding the piquenchagne up in the air.

Oops. A pear thing drops out.

Have half of mine, says Sweezus.

The flat stage continues. 

And continues.

Prong has flown to the finish in Nevers.

She wants to see if her spying has been successful.

And the answer is no.

Here comes Soren Waerenskjold, ahead of Olav Kooij and Jasper Philipsen.

Zooooom!

Soren Waerenskjold wins the stage.

The fastest stage in the Tour's history.

Earlier, Prong had spied Soren Waerenskjold getting his right hand treated by a team doctor.

He won't win, she had thought, at the time.

She's glad that she didn't tell Terence.

Stage 10: Aurillac to Le Lioran - Heyday

A mountain stage.

In fact, seven mountains.

And it's still very hot.

Can we get out of this somehow? asks David.

Only by giving up altogether, says Vello.

And we don't want to do that, says David.

Especially not on Bastille Day, says Vello.

What's Bastille Day? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Vive la revolution! shouts Vello. 

Uh, says Surfing-with-Whales. Oh yeah, the French Revolution. 

The French riders will try extra hard today, says David.

Julian Alaphilippe hears him.

We French riders try extra hard every day, says Julian Alaphilippe.

Of course we do, says Vello. 

Julian Alaphilippe thinks: I was not counting you.

He speeds away, diplomatically.

Of course, says Vello, he is well past his heyday.

You can talk, says David.

You had a heyday? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

I'm still in it, says Vello. But of course, when I was a young man, the Tour de France was not yet invented.

Ditto, says David.

You are not French, says Vello.

What's that got to do with anything? asks David.

Surfing-with-Whales leaves them to debate this and shoots off up the Col de Prat.

Yeah, the Col de Prat. He laughs inwardly. Funny.

Pablo comes up behind him.

Hola! says Pablo. Trying to beat all the Frenchies?

Yeah, says Surfing-with-Whales. 

Guess what? says Pablo.

What? asks Surfing-with-Whales. 

My poem's coming true, says Pablo.

Yeah how? asks Surfing with-Whales.

Someone threw me a walnut, says Pablo.

In the shell? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

No, a shelled one, says Pablo, and I caught it in my mouth as I rode by.

Was she wearing a yellow dress? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

I couldn't say, says Pablo. The thrower was wearing a chicken suit.

Woah, says Surfing-with-Whales. That's even more super freaky.

I agree, says Pablo.

This conversation has slowed them.

It matters little, as neither Pablo nor Surfing-with-Whales is French.

However, up ahead, 1 km from the summit of the Col de Pertus, Tadej Pogacar is attacking.

He opens up a gap of 20 seconds.

He keeps pushing up the Col de Font de Cère.

The gap is 32 seconds.

He takes his 24th stage win.

And he too is not French.

Rest Day In Cantal - Fraternité

Aurillac, Parc de la Fraternité

Belle has organised a picnic, in spite of the heat.

It will be fine, under a tree.

She has invited Pablo, for old times' sake.

Vello and David sit on the grass in the shade drinking a cooling rosé.

Try one of these gougères with herbs, says Belle.

David bites into the crispy puff pastry.

Very nice, says David.

Surfing-with-Whales arrives, with Pablo.

They eye the gougères.

Help yourselves, says Belle.

Where's Team Condor? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Coming, says Belle. Ah, here they are now!

Sorry we're late, says Gaius. 

Are we late? asks Terence. 

Not at all, says Belle. Would you like a red drink? Or a slice of watermelon?

Watermelon, says Terence.

I'd like a slice of watermelon, says Arthur.

Me too, says Sweezus.

Okay, says Belle. But I've got these gougères if you're interested.

They are interested.

In no time the gougères are gone.

This rosé is excellent, says Vello. It's a Cotes d'Auvergne Corent.

And there's a pounti, says Belle. 

Yeah, what's a pounti? asks Sweezus.

Try it and see, says Belle.

She hands him a colourful slice of pounti.

WTF! says Sweezus. Who puts veggies and prunes in a cake?

He chews a bit longer.

It's not bad though.

So, says Belle. How is everyone feeling after one week of racing?

I am feeling very good, says Pablo. I admire Arthur's idea of a poetry competition.

Have you entered? asks Belle.

I bet he has, says Vello.

I have, says Pablo. 

Sweezus swallows a large lump of prune.

Do not worry, says Pablo. I have skirted around the subject of your sister.

He doesn't have a sister, says Terence.

We know, says David. She's a literary invention.

She's a baby bear, says Terence. All hairy.

This is first I've heard of the sister being a a hairy bear, says Pablo. I have imagined her as a beauty.

I'd love to hear your poem, says Belle.

First let's open another bottle, says Vello. And is there a cake without prunes?

Yes, says Belle. There's a Tarte à la Tomme. Made with cheese and vanilla and crème fraiche.

Perfect, says Vello. It's much too hot for prunes.

How can it be to hot for prunes? asks David. Is there a reason?

Prunes with vegetables, says Vello. One needs a cool head before tasting such a strange combination.

Meaning you have a cool head, says Arthur, looking at Sweezus.

Sweezus appreciates that Arthur thinks he has a cool head.

And Vello must think so as well. Yeah. That's kind of awesome. 

He should stop thinking about his hairy non-existent sister.

Pablo begins speaking his poem.

The yellow dress, the chicken, the black eyes, the walnut.....

Oh, says Belle. That poem's a winner!

Wait till you hear mine, says Surfing-with-Whales.

And mine, says Terence.

How does yours go? asks Belle.

Hairy bear hairy bear who came from where, you should go back there, says Terence.

What good rhymes, Terence, says Belle.

Yay! And he just made it up right that minute.

This is such a good day.

Stage 9: Malemort to Ussel - Walnut

A very hot day. The course has been shortened.

But it's still going to be hilly.

Pablo is determined to get into a breakaway.

He joins the attackers.

But there are too many attackers.

He drops back and thinks about his poem.

Sweezus rides up behind him.

Hey bro, says Sweezus.

Hola, says Pablo. 

Giving up already? asks Sweezus.

Not at all, says Pablo. By the way, are you part of this poetry competition?

Fuck no, says Sweezus. It was Arthur's idea. I don't have a sister.

That is fair enough, says Pablo. But do you mind if I enter?

Yeah...nah, says Sweezus, speeding off leaving Pablo to ponder.

Up the Suc au May, a category 2 climb. And down again. 

A woman in yellow dress waves. Her dress flutters.

Pablo is inspired.

There in a yellow dress/ Standing next to chicken/  Are you sending me glances?/ Throw me a walnut/ I'll catch it/ I'll break it in two with my teeth/ I don't care if they crack/ If you're glancing at me/ With those black eyes, with their fiery centres/ Just don't throw that walnut at the next guy/ Unless you're his sister.

Pablo is happy with that.

The sister is in it. But not whose sister. So, Sweezus won't freak.

He speeds up to draw level with Surfing-with-Whales and run the poem by him.

Thus the two of them finish way behind the leaders.

The leaders are locked in an intense fight to the finish in Ussel

Yes! Matthieu van der Poel gets the better of Tobias Johannessen and Tom Pidcock. 

Not a yellow dress, or a chicken, or a walnut in sight.

Stage 8: Périgueux to Bergerac - A limerick!

Another flat stage. 

And again it is hot.

At once, Liam Slock breaks away, thinking, best get this done.

Surfing-with-Whales thinks of following Slock, but does not.

He stays with the peloton.

He finds himself level with Pablo.

I hear Team Condor is having a poetry competition, says Pablo.

Yeah, I know, says Surfing-with-Whales. I guess it takes their mind off the heat.

My team is not into poetry, says Pablo.

Mine either, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Just into winning, says Pablo.

Mine's not even that much into winning, says Surfing-with-Whales.

They do very well for guys their age, says Pablo.

I guess so, says Surfing-with-Whales. Hey, you're a poet.

I like to think so, says Pablo.

Maybe you and me could have a poetry competition, says Surfing-with-Whales.

I would win, says Pablo.

What if I pick the topic? says Surfing-with-Whales.

Okay, says Pablo. Pick it.

Sweezus's sister, says Surfing-with-Whales.

That is a strange topic, says Pablo.

Take it or leave it, says Surfing-with-Whales.

I'll take it, says Pablo. But right now the intermediate sprint is upon us.

Shit yeah, so it is.

They speed up, but too late. Jasper Philipsen wins it.

Surfing-with-Whales looks for the feeding station. He want food and he needs ice as well.

There it is!

Terence hands him a bag of ice to slip down the back of his jersey.

Belle hands him a musette filled with rich paté de Périgueux.

That's better.

He speeds up, refreshed, and returns to his poem.

He has one advantage over Pablo Neruda.

He has worked on it since yesterday. 

There was a young lady from France/ who decided to learn how to dance/ she developed a blister/ when somebody kissed her/ it was Sweezus's sister from France.

He is not sure about France. But what rhymes with Adelaide? Or anywhere else for that matter?

And anyway, where is he? He's fallen behind now.

More importantly, where is Liam Slock?

Still out the front with 1.5 km to go. What a legend. How has he done it?

But the peloton is looming behind him.

And all the best sprinters are in it.

Including Tim Merlier, who won the stage yesterday. 

And wins it today. Well done him.