Saints Practise Their Tricks

On the way out, Belle drops by the kitchen.

It's a hotel after all.

May I borrow a knife please? she asks a kitchen hand.

Certainly, says the kitchen hand. What is it for?

I hardly like to tell you, says Belle. It's for... um....preparing some eels.

Are they live ones? asks the kitchen hand. Because if so, the best method is to hang them from a hook through the gills and peel their skin off. Then chop them into bite size pieces and drop them in boiling water to blanch them. Would you like me to do it?

Oh, would you? asks Belle.

Sure, says the kitchen hand. Bring them here.

She goes out to the pavement where Gaius is waiting with Terence and Baldy, two bicycles, and Saints Roley and Malo.

He is holding a writhing paper package.

Give me those eels, says Belle The kitchen hand's offered to prepare them.

How kind, says Gaius. I was beginning to wonder how we would cook them.

Can we come and watch? asks Terence.

No, says Belle. It might be horrific.

She takes the writhing package from Gaius, and goes back inside.

I suppose we must wait here, says Gaius. Get the Saints out and let them practice their tricks.

They don't have tricks, says Baldy. They can't even walk properly yet.

Then they must be fast-tracked says Gaius. I expect them to be fully competent at scrape building by the time we reach Cancale.

Baldy lifts Saint Malo out of the shoe, and places him on the pavement.

Dig, says Baldy.

Not in the pavement, says Gaius.

Saint Malo looks confused.

An old fisherman passing by stops.

He is wearing a fisherman's jersey and a knitted hat which is round and wide at the crown.

It buzzes slightly.

Bless you, says the fishermen.

No need for that, says Gaius. We are waiting for our eels to be cooked, that is all.

I bless everyone, says the fisherman.

What about me? asks Terence.

Bless you, says the fisherman.

What about the eels? asks Terence.  They were alive, wrapped in paper.

Bless them, says the fisherman.

Trying to get out, says Baldy. They didn't want to die.

 I regret buying live ones, says Gaius.

However, they are best eaten fresh, says the fisherman. My name is Maclou, by the way.

Gaius Plinius Secundus, says Gaius. And these young scallywags are....

I know, says Maclou. Infants away from their holy mothers. Bless them.

Belle comes out with the cooked eel chunks in a still warm glass jar.

This is Belle, says Gaius. Belle, this is Maclou.

Bless you, my dear, says Maclou. Did you remember the knife?

Crikey! says Belle. For the melon! Thanks for reminding me.

She runs back inside, and comes back with a knife for the melon.

Now we're good to go, says Belle. Nice to meet you, Maclou.

Maclou touches his knitted hat. It buzzes loudly.

Saint Malo jumps. Baldy puts him back in the shoe.

If I find a nice comfy box, says Maclou. I'll follow you with it.

He shuffles off, buzzing, and emitting small sparks.

Weird! says Belle How did he know about the knife? Did you tell him?

I don't think so, says Gaius.

And the box, says Belle.

Easier to explain, says Gaius. Two baby chicks in an old shoe is not ideal for their development.

Saint Roley and Saint Malo look at one another.

Not ideal for their development.

They KNEW it!

Live Eels And Toe Fungus

Gaius returns with his shopping.

What did you buy? asks Belle.

Eels, says Gaius, and a Petit Gris Melon.

Really? says Belle.

Yes, really, says Gaius. Now, is everyone ready?

Pretty much, says Belle. Terence and Baldy will need a box for Saint Malo and Saint Roley.

A box, says Gaius, looking around the apartment.

No box is apparent.

WHAT did you call them? asks Gaius.

Saint Malo and Saint Roley, isn't that cute? says Belle.

Let us hope they live up to their names, says Gaius, opening a cupboard.

Several old shoes fall out.

How about this? asks Gaius, picking up one of them.

Terence and Baldy, come here!

We'll need a  knife, says Belle. For the melon.

And the eels, says Gaius.

Are they still in one piece? asks Belle.

They are still living, says Gaius.

Belle grits her teeth.

She knew she should have done the shopping.

Terence picks up little Saint Roley, too roughly.

Saint Roley glares back at Terence.

He wants to ride in the shoe, says Terence.

Saint Roley knows that he doesn't.

Terence plonks him in it.

It's an old sneaker. It smells of toe fungus.

Baldy! says Belle, see if Saint Malo will fit in it the shoe with Saint Roley.

Baldy is a much better mother.

He helps Saint Malo gently onto his feet.

Now walk to the shoe, says Baldy. Careful! Go on!

Saint Malo takes wobbling steps forward in the shoe's direction.

His fluffy grey chick feathers tremble.

He stumbles. Baldy helps him up.

Saint Malo is encouraged. He tries again to walk to the shoe where his brother sits glaring and sniffing the nasty scent of human toe fungus.

He makes it. Baldy lifts him in.

Well done, Saint Malo, says Gaius. You deserve your fine carriage.

It's an old shoe, says Belle. As soon as we find a proper box I'll be ditching it. And what about a knife?

Arthur will bring one, says Gaius.

Oh yes, says Belle, and where is he?

He said he'd catch up, says Gaius. Shall we get going? The afternoon wears on.

The Simple Old Days

François-René won't shut up now.

The absinthe has loosened his tongue.

Soon I was promoted to captain, says François-René. I went to Paris. There I met some of our leading French writers. The French Revolution broke out.....

Arthur isn't listening.

Victor has reached the bottom of the page of his notebook.

Not liking to draw attention to his note-taking by flipping the page, he stops writing.

All I want is.... says Victor.

All I want is.... says Arthur, waving his empty glass.

A waiter comes over.

At first I was sympathetic to the revolutionary cause, says François-René, but as it became increasingly violent, I decided to journey to North America.

Victor risks quick page flip. This could be important.

No need to take notes, says François-René. It's in Wikipedia.

Of course, says Victor. Thank you. All I wanted was to ask you, and Arthur, to keep an eye on....

I was encouraged by my friend Chrétien-Guillaume de Lamoigon de Malesherbes, says François-René. He also encouraged me to do some botanical studies.

You should hook up with Gaius, says Arthur.

Bingo! says Victor.

Bingo? says François-René.

To keep an eye on them, says Victor, while I pursue the more dangerous and elusive Splosh.

Okay, says Arthur. We were going to anyway.

Were we? asks François-René.

Only if you want to, says Arthur. They're heading out to Cancale, via the GR 34. Do you like oysters?

François-René does like oysters (although it's not mentioned in Wikipedia). And he knows the Gr 34. It is the old Customs path, that he used to wander as a pre-suicidal young person.

Oh, for the simple old days.

He would love to.

........

Gaius has gone out to the local markets to buy fresh supplies for the journey.

In the hotel Kyriad, Belle is rinsing egg goo out of Baldy's long johns.

Terence and Baldy are playing with their oystercatcher chicks.

Belle spreads out the wet long johns, in a small patch of sun.

Now we wait, says Belle. Have you thought what to call your babies?

Parrot and Parrot, says Terence.

No, says Baldy. We're not allowed to. Mine is called Chicken.

It's not a chicken, says Belle. How about something inspiring? They'll be role models, you know.

Roley, says Terence.

How about Malo? says Belle. After the place where you found them, Saint Malo.

Saint Malo says Baldy. Mine's called Saint Malo.

His little Saint Malo tries to stand up, and falls over.

Mine's called Saint Roley, says Terence.

There's no such saint as Saint Roley, says Belle. As far as I know.

Ha ha, says Baldy.

Little Saint Roley tries to stand up and falls over.

Never mind, It's a nice name, says Belle.

Loneliness

Belle resolves it, quite easily.

One parrot each.

But you mustn't call them parrots, says Belle.

Why not? asks Terence.

They'll be confused enough as it is, says Belle. Who did they see first?

Me, says Baldy. My one saw me.

Baldy bends down to the beady eye of his baby.

It's crying! says Baldy. Don't cry baby, you're coming on an adventure.

That's the way, says Gaius. Encourage it. An adventure.

Not just an adventure, says Belle. They'll need feeding, and keeping warm, and they'll need to be taught oystercatcher behaviour.

Yes, says Gaius. Sensible oystercatcher behaviour. Beginning with coming to terms with rising sea levels.

Hear that? says Terence to his bedraggled baby.

The baby sniffs hard.

He knows one thing. He has got the wrong mother.

......

Arthur heads for number 1 Rue de l'Orme.

He enters L'Absinthe Café.

Victor is already there, sitting at a table with François-René, looking awkward.

You're late, says Victor. I had to introduce myself to Monsieur de Chateaubriand here.

That shouldn't have been hard, says Arthur.

But not ideal, says Victor, seeing as I'm dressed as a policeman.

François-René shrugs, as though he had not been alarmed in the slightest.

Arthur sits down.

Well then, says Victor. This is nice.

Victor wants to recruit us, says François-René.

Did I say that? asks Victor.

You didn't have to, says François-René.

No, says Victor. I wanted to meet you, that's all. Learn more about you. I'm new here in Saint Malo. I believe you were born here?

I was, says François-René, the youngest of ten children. I grew up in the family castle in Comburg. My father was a sea captain, and later a ship owner.

Slave trader, eh? says Victor.

Well, yes, says François-René. It was a long time ago.

Still goes on, says Victor. Shall we order?

I'll have absinthe, says Arthur.

I mean food, says Victor, looking at the menu. I'll have the fig and beetroot confit on a crisp fine tart with fresh mackerel fillets.

François-René chooses rose veal. Arthur orders the turbot.

They eat, and drink a great deal of absinthe.

François-René reveals more of himself than he meant to.

How his father was morose and uncommunicative.
How he grew up lonely.
How he went for long walks in the Breton countryside.
How well he came to know it.
How one day he took a hunting rifle.
And bang. Tried to kill himself.
But was unsuccessful.
How he decided against becoming a priest.
And chose the military option.

Victor has been making wobbly notes, under the table, with the green pencil.

Arthur has watched him.

Why Are You Here?

Hotel Kyriad.

Terence plonks the ruined eggs on the coffee table.

Careful, says Belle. They need somewhere warmer.

Why? asks Terence.

Because they might hatch, says Belle.

But they're RUINED! says Terence.

Only on the outside, says Belle.

She takes Baldy's panda long johns from where they were drying, makes a nest and places the ruined eggs tenderly in it.

Is that wise, Belle? asks Gaius.

I can always wash them, says Belle.

I didn't mean that, says Gaius. Is it wise to incubate them? We're about to go....

There is a noise outside the door of the hotel room, the door opens and Baldy runs in.

I didn't do anything! shouts Baldy.

Where's Splosh? asks Belle.

Nowhere! says Baldy. I lost my pencil. Victor picked it up. Then I got arrested for nothing!

Look, Baldy! says Terence, pointing at the ruined eggs in the nest of panda long johns.

Who put eggs in my new pants? says Baldy.

Wait, says Gaius You were arrested? Then why are you here?

Arthur helped me, says Baldy. He told Victor I didn't do it.

Arthur is standing in the doorway.

Good for you Arthur, says Belle. What was Baldy accused of?

Graffiti in the Grand Aquarium, says Arthur. Someone turned the lights off, and sprayed yellow rings on the glass of the Shark Ring.

Not me, says Baldy. I had a green pencil.

You didn't, says Arthur. Victor had it. And he'd written his notes with it, including the time, 10 am.

Why did he show you his notes? asks Belle.

Long story, says Arthur.

Expectant silence. A faint scratching is heard.

Okay, says Arthur. The short version is, we were exchanging addresses.

But he knows where we're staying, says Belle.

Not this address, says Arthur. And he was using the green pencil. So I said how could Baldy have used it if you've had it in your possession since 10 am?

Crack. Peep peep. Crack.

What did he say? asks Belle.

Intention, says Arthur. He said these days you can arrest someone for having an intention. But don't worry, it's sorted.

Good, says Gaius. We're about to set out for the bird reserve near Cancale, on the GR34. I trust you'll be coming?

Sure, but I might catch you up, says Arthur, backing out slowly.

Look! says Baldy. The eggs have split open and now what!

Aah! says Belle. How gorgeous!

Two baby oystercatchers are unfolding their feathers on the long johns.

Two parrots! cries Terence. It's the first time I've had two parrots!

That's not FAIR! says Baldy.

I rescued them! says Terence.

I hatched them! says Baldy.

We can resolve this, says Belle.

Empty Thought Bubbles

The Grand Aquarium de Saint Malo.

Splosh has vanished.

There are queues everywhere, for the five different undersea worlds, and the mini-sub Nautibus.

Baldy stands in the queue for the Shark Ring.

Are they real feathers? asks a child.

No, says Baldy. See this finger?

Madeleine! says her mother. Ignore him!

Why is it orange? asks Madeleine.

Splosh left it orange, says Baldy. So it's like a beak. See?

But it's a finger, says Madeleine.

Not if I put it here, says Baldy.

He wiggles it rudely.

Madeleine! warns her mummy.

Okay, says Madeleine.

 Do you like policemen? asks Baldy.

No, says Madeleine. There's a policeman over there. He looks suspicious.

He IS suspicious, says Baldy. And he's got my green pencil.

Why? asks Madeleine.

I dropped it, says Baldy. Make sure you don't drop anything.

The queue shuffles forward.

Madeleine's baby sister drops a rubber giraffe from her buggy.

Let's see what happens, says Madeleine.

Victor comes over.

He picks up the rubber giraffe and hands it to Madeleine's mummy.

Thank you officer, says mummy.

It must be just when YOU drop things, says Madeleine.

Probably, says Baldy. I'm here on a mission.

What is it? asks Madeleine.

I can't do it, says Baldy.

The queue moves again. Now they have entered the Shark Ring.

Look, Maddy! says Madeleine's mother. Seven sharks, and four sea turtles swimming around us.

Can they see us? asks Maddy.

Suddenly the lights go out in the Shark Ring.

It's the signal for doing what Baldy can't do without his green pencil.

A hush. A sound of paint spraying from a spray can. The smell of fresh paint.

The lights come back on. Yellow paint drips from the empty thought bubbles on the reinforced glass of the Shark Ring.

The sharks and turtles look puzzled.

Oi! What's this ? says Victor, looming up behind Baldy.

I didn't do it, says Baldy.

He couldn't, says Madeleine.

Evidence says otherwise, says Victor, spinning Baldy round roughly. I'm taking you into custody. You don't have to say anything.

Bad luck, says Madeleine. Now you can't go on the Nautibus. We're doing that next.

Baldy looks sad.

Can't I just go on the Nautibus?

Nautibus! You'll get a free ride in my Nautibus! growls Victor, marching Baldy out of the Shark Ring, and straight into....

...Arthur, who is finally back from Grand Bé!

Any Egg Any Place

What has he written on those eggs? asks the oystercatcher.

The letters E B, says Gaius.

Terence! Why did you do that? asks Belle. And what did you mean?

BEWARE says Terence. But I haven't finished.

It will be back to front, says Gaius. BEWARE starts with B.

I was copying, says Terence. It's on my tummy.

He's seeing it upside down, says Belle.

What's this? asks the oystercatcher. Am I missing something?

Even so, says Gaius, it's still the wrong order. He has begun in the middle.

Or at the end, says Belle.

But then he would have written E R, says Gaius. Let me show you.

He takes the black pencil, and writes in the sand: E R A W E B.

That's good, says the oystercatcher. Feel free to scratch about in my habitat.

Just making a point, says Gaius. But I'll scuff it out in a minute.

Belle walks around it.

I see what you mean, says Belle. He must have started at the second letter. Do you suppose he's dyslexic?

Can I finish it? asks Terence.

Impossible, says Gaius.

That's right, says the oystercatcher. But it's too late. These eggs are ruined. You can have them.

Are they yours? asks Belle.

No, says the oystercatcher. Not mine.

We're terribly sorry, says Belle. Aren't we, Gaius?

What? says Gaius. Oh yes. Terribly sorry. This whole project is collapsing.

What is the project, if you don't mind me asking? asks the oystercatcher.

Gaius explains that rising sea levels are making a difference, and that eggs in scrapes need to be protected.

And we came here to help, says Gaius. Our plan was to encourage your species to rebuild washed out scrapes on higher ground.

Why us in particular? asks the oystercatcher. Are we thought to be particularly stupid?

YES! says Terence.

Not at all, says Gaius. The research focused on your species, that's all. May I ask if you yourself are affected?

No, says the oystercatcher. We have evolved here. We have a thing with the seagulls. Any egg any place any time. That's how we roll here. Deal with anything. Even red cheeses. Why don't you go and spread your message somewhere less urban and sophisticated?

No good arguing that the sand and mud flats don't look urban and sophisticated.

Such as? asks Gaius. I would appreciate your advice.

Cancale, says the oystercatcher. Ten kilometres the other side of Saint Malo. There's a bird reserve there. Full of bumpkins that wouldn't know their arse from their anus. Rustic buntings, lesser yellowlegs, buff bellied pipits, peregrines, you name it. Go teach them something useful.

Thank you, we shall, says Gaius.

Follow the GR34, says the oystercatcher.

Thank you, says Belle. Come on, Terence.

Wait! says Terence. He picks up the two eggs he has ruined, and scuffs out the E R A W E B, because Gaius has forgotten to do it.

But he doesn't receive any thanks.

Green Words Black Words

Victor has decided to follow Splosh and Baldy.

His reasoning: They appear to possess criminal implements, viz. a box of paints, a green pencil. Furthermore, they are on foot, and will be easy to follow.

He follows them circumspectly, unaware that he himself is being followed.

Splosh and Baldy walk down the Avenue du Général Patton to the Grand Aquarium de Saint Malo.

I have made a clever choice, thinks Victor.

Splosh and Baldy go in.

Victor enters, ten seconds later.

He looks around. Where have they gone?

Aha. A clue. He has spotted a green Prismalo pencil. Someone has dropped it. The infant known as Baldy. Potential child activist, and oystercatcher impersonator.

He picks up the pencil. He might as well use it. He takes out his notebook, and writes in green lettering:

G'rd Aq'um de St. M. 10 am. Two suspects enter. 2nd suspect drops exhibit 1, a green pencil.

Baldy comes running up to Victor.

That's my pencil! I dropped it!

But Victor can't give it back now it has been recorded.

........

Meanwhile, at the Rance Estuary, Gaius has won the confidence of the oystercatcher by revealing he too has no time for seagulls.

Bane of our lives, says the oystercatcher. Always dumping their eggs in our scrapes when we aren't looking.

Gaius does not contradict this.

The oystercatcher continues:

But we're wise to 'em. We've been through a lot. This barrage, see it? Yes, course you can. Know why they put it here? Highest tidal range in France!

You don't say, says Gaius. What is the range? Do you know it?

Let me think, says the oystercatcher.

Should I get out a pencil? asks Gaius. If you don't know the figures, I won't bother.

It's coming to me, says the oystercatcher. Get your pencil out.

Belle! calls Gaius. A pencil!

You've got one, says Belle A grey one, remember.

Yes, of course, says Gaius, feeling in the pocket of his chinos.

Average tidal range, 8 metres, says the oystercatcher. The spring and neap range can be as big as 13.5 metres. How about that!

Remarkable, says Gaius. Terence, lend me your pencil. Belle! Got any paper?

I didn't bring any note paper, says Belle. Use this cheese bag. And it doesn't look like Terence wants to lend you his pencil.

What's that kid doing? squawks the oystercatcher.

He's found some eggs, says Belle. Terence! Don't touch them!

I wasn't, says Terence. I was just drawing on them.

Holy-guanoly! says the oystercatcher. What did he draw?

Words, says Terence. Black ones.

That's called writing, says Belle.

Vulgar Belief

The next morning, Gaius downloads a map.

I should have done it before, says Gaius. This is excellent. Here is the Rance Estuary. Here are we. I shall hire a bicycle.

Make that two bicycles, says Belle.

Very good, says Gaius. But who'll wait for Arthur?

Not me, says Splosh. I'm out all day with my paintbox.

Can I come? asks Terence.

No, says Splosh, I'm taking Baldy. He's more responsible.

Baldy looks proud.

And he has proper fingers, adds Splosh. You have a claw and a ceramic parrot's wing. My helper must be nimble-fingered.

Good idea to split them up, says Belle. Terence, you're coming with Gaius and me to the Rance Estuary.

Can I have my pencil back? asks Baldy.

Let Terence keep it, says Belle. You can choose a new colour.

She opens the box of Prismalos.

Baldy picks green.

Outside the Hotel Kyriad, Victor is lurking.

Soon he will make a decision. Who to follow?

.......

It's not far to the estuary, by bicycle.

Gaius is first to spot the barrage.

That will be the Tidal Power Station, says Gaius.

No kidding, says Belle. Won't that have scared all the birds away?

Not necessarily, says Gaius. It's been here since 1966. The birds will have adapted.

If they've adapted, says Belle, they might not be the ones that we should be experimenting with, with the cheeses.

A good point, says Gaius. On the other hand, they might make better subjects for our first attempt at changing their behaviour.

No harm in trying, says Belle.

They get off their bikes near the mud flats.

There's a parrot! says Terence.

He runs forward.

Stop right there! says Belle. Don't run with pencils.

Terence stops, but not because it's foolish to run with pencils.

He has come face to face with a parrot.

Don't run with pencils, says the parrot, in a raspy voice, almost as mean as Saint Joseph.

Don't move, Terence! cries Belle It's an oystercatcher.

So it is, says Gaius. Let us approach it. Belle, hide the cheeses.

Cheeses! The oystercatcher heard that!

Contrary to vulgar belief, oystercatchers can put two and two together.

This one has many friends here.

Two friends, an oystercatcher couple, had told him this tale, only yesterday.

They had returned to their scrape, to find two red eggs in it.

At first they had ignored them, and built a new scrape alongside.

But as the sun rose and the day became hotter the eggs softened.

The oystercatcher couple had felt sorry for the red eggs and decided to move them.

Until they spotted Lefty wheeling above them, spying, with that sly look on his seagull features, and were alerted.

THIS WAS SOME SORT OF PAYBACK.

....and now, here were these people, with cheeses....

Crime's Arrow

Chateaubriand! says Victor. He's well known round here. He wrote that...um...what was it... the Genius of Something.

The Genius of Christianity, says Belle. I don't know what Arthur sees in him.

He seems intelligent, says Gaius.

Humph! says Belle. "Christianity comes from God because it is excellent". Is that intelligent?

Sounds logical to me, says Victor.

So, Victor, says Gaius. What are you doing in Saint Malo?

Secondment, says Victor. I'm on surveillance duty. That's why this torch.

Can I hold it? asks Terence.

No, it's a police torch, says Victor. You've got a pencil.

I lost it, says Terence.

You lost the red one! says Splosh.

You can have my black one, says Baldy. I don't want it.

Terence takes it.

Now I'm in the clear, says Terence. I didn't draw the red moustache on Rock-Arthur.

Crimes don't work like that, says Victor.

How do they? asks Terence.

Victor explains:

An infant does a crime with a weapon. He loses the weapon. The weapon is found. It has his finger prints on it. Therefore he did the crime.

That's a bit simplistic, says Splosh. What if he didn't?

I didn't, says Terence.

Except we all saw you, says Belle.

It doesn't matter, says Victor. I'm assured the moustache will wash off. May I ask what your future plans are?

We need to find a quiet secluded beach which is frequented by seabirds, says Gaius. Preferably not seagulls.

I know plenty of seagulls, says Victor. Each morning they eat my croissant crumbs. If you want other types of seabirds, try along the Rance estuary.

Wonderful, says Gaius. Thank you Victor. Ah, here we are. Here's our hotel.

Victor lets them out of the police wagon, and drives back to the station to file his report.

From which it seems they are under surveillance.

Words On The Shell

What is here? asks the gendarme, in French.

A warning, says Splosh.

Grafitti and desecration, says the gendarme, in English.

Victor! says Gaius. Is it you?

Gaius! I might have known you'd be involved, says Victor.

We are here on serious business, says Gaius. Sea levels are rising.

They are, says Victor. Look at your feet.

Gaius looks at his feet. Water is swooshing around them.

He steps off the dead bird platform, to a higher level.

It's a message, says Belle. And a beautiful one.

A message for whom? asks Victor.

For the seabirds, says Splosh. The take home message is, build your nests on higher ground, or risk extinction.

Victor flashes his torch around the rock sculptures.

The beams land on Rock-Arthur, with its new red moustache, and Terence, with his red pencil.

And what has this to do with the message? asks Victor.

Nothing, says Terence.

Did you do it? asks Victor.

No, says Terence. Baldy did it.

I didn't says Baldy. Look at my pencil.

Victor bends down to look at Baldy's pencil.

He shines his torch on it. It's black.

You could not have drawn the moustache with this pencil, says Victor. You're in the clear.

He wanted to, says Terence.

The sea will wash it off, says Splosh. These are watercolour pencils.

Prismalo? asks Victor. I have bought some of these for my nephew. Are they good?

Excellent, says Splosh. And by the way, all this I've done, it's only temporary. Three nights max, I just need to film it.

Really? says Gaius. All that effort for something ephemeral?

That's the whole point, says Splosh.

She takes a camera out of her back pack.

I'd better not be in it, says Victor.

Stand back then, says Splosh. Oops. Not that way!

Victor has stepped on a thought bubble, and cracked it.

Gaius picks up the pieces.

It's an egg! says Gaius, surprised.

What did you think it was? asks Splosh.

It was floating, says Gaius.

Nothing in it, says Splosh. Just the words on the shell.

Gaius examines the pieces.

PI--SS--ON--IT, says Gaius.  A-hem!

PASS IT ON. You've got the pieces mixed up, says Splosh.

The sea is rushing in madly.

Come, says Victor. I'll escort you all back in my wagon. Where are you staying?

Hotel Kyriad, says Gaius. Arthur is with us.

Don't tell me, says Victor. He's gone off somewhere.

He's with François-René de Chateaubriand, says Gaius. A very fine fellow. A writer.

Not a good one, says Belle.

Dead Bird Platform

Careful! says Splosh.

Wow! says Belle. It's lovely.

They have rounded the headland and reached the Sculptured Rocks.

The bizarre carved faces of the Rothéneuf clan glow eerily.

Their lumpy reclining carved bodies seem to sparkle and heave in the moonlight.

The open mouths of the sea monsters blow out iridescent thought bubbles.

The lower rocks make a platform, on which are painted dead birds.

The bubbles shed faint light on their stiff painted feathers, and upturned stick feet.

How have you done it? asks Belle.

Trade secret, says Splosh. But no rocks were harmed in the process.

Where are the clown ones? asks Terence.

Here, says Splosh. Their names are Arthur, Eugéne, Auguste, Bernard and Jean.

Terence becomes bold because one of the clowns is named Arthur. And it's okay, because Arthur's a rock.

He tiptoes over to Rock-Arthur, with his red pencil.

How would you like a moustache?

He wants a black one, says Baldy.

He doesn't want one at all! says Belle.

He does, says Terence. Look, his eyes are bulging.

All their eyes are bulging, says Splosh. The Rothéneuf family had super-normal eyesight, from drinking water rich in certain elements.

What's this? says Gaius, looking up from his examination of a thought bubble.

Supposedly, says Splosh. Who knows though?

Crunch crunch! It's the sound of footsteps approaching.

A flash of torchlight flits across the stone eyes.

The thought bubbles bounce up and down gently.

Everyone freezes, except Terence.

....scratch.....scratch....

He is finishing the red moustache on Rock-Arthur.

The waves lap at the dead bird platform... slap... slap...

A gendarme's hat appears behind the great rock known as Durand.

Not Normally Glowing

It's a long walk to Rothéneuf, where the Sculptured Rocks are.

The moon shines on the wet sand.

Are we there yet? asks Terence.

Not yet, says Splosh. But you'll like it. The rocks look like people, and sea monsters.

Are they real? asks Baldy.

Of course not, says Belle.

I presume they're granite boulders, says Gaius.

Yes, says Splosh. They were carved by the Abbé Fouré, over a period of twenty five years. He began in 1870, after suffering a stroke at age 30, losing his hearing and speech, and becoming paralysed on one side of his body. He became a hermit, and began carving the boulders. He needed something to do, I suppose.

Did anyone help him? asks Belle.

Yeah, some old guy, says Splosh.

His grandpa, says Terence.

No, not his grandpa, says Splosh.

Are we there yet? asks Baldy.

Not yet, says Splosh. I know its a long way for you, but it's worth it. The rock people have names.

What kind of names? asks Belle.

Names of the Rothéneuf clan, says Splosh. The pirates and smugglers. The ones who built the boats and guarded the booty. The cook. The five clowns.

CLOWNS! says Terence.

Clowns! says Baldy. I'm not going!

We ARE going! says Terence, brandishing his red pencil.

YES! says Baldy, brandishing his black pencil. We're going!

They clash pencils.

A section of Terence's lead falls out into the sand.

Terence is aghast at this second disaster to happen to his pencil.

Don't look so tragic, says Belle. I'll sharpen it again.

She does,. But now it is even shorter.

How many rock carvings are there? asks Gaius.

About three hundred, says Splosh.

Tell us some of the names, says Belle.

Cinq Clowns, says Splosh. That's the clowns.  Then there was Job, aka Vive la Joie, La Goule, Bas Plat, Trois Pierres......and the cook, Yves du Minhic, nicknamed Guerrier Romain.

The Roman warrior, says Gaius.

And l'Egyptien, says Splosh. Solitaire, Lucifer, le Grand Pointu....

Are we THERE yet? says Terence. I'm lagging.

Me too, says Baldy. We should be in bed.

Nearly, says Splosh. Who'd like a Gummi Bear?

She hands round the packet.

Is this a red one? asks Terence.

They all look the same in the dark.

It takes some time to pick out a red one, while walking.

At last, beyond a low rocky headland, they see a faint glow.

That's it, says Splosh.

Do the rocks glow normally? asks Gaius.

No, that's my work, says Splosh.

Promise Of Monsters

Belle returns to the beach at Saint Malo, with Terence.

Terence is holding a pencil.

No prizes for guessing the colour of the pencil.

Here you are, Gaius, says Belle. A box of Caran d'Ache pencils, with the red missing.

I don't generally use coloured ones, says Gaius. Lead is sufficient for my purpose.

I know, says Belle, but there is a grey one.

Very well, says Gaius. Thank you, Belle. I shall use the grey one.

Let's see, says Splosh. Hey! These are Prismalo. I love these!

I know, says Belle. Watercolour pencils. We can all use them.

Except this one, says Terence.

Not fair, says Baldy. He got the red one!

It's broken, says Terence.

Yes, says Belle. It's broken. And why?

I broke it, says Terence.

Never mind, says Belle. I have a sharpener.

Excellent! says Gaius. You have thought of everything. Did you buy cheeses?

I bought two Babybel cheeses, says Belle. But I really don't see how they'll trick oystercatchers. Don't they lay cryptic eggs?

Indeed they do, says Gaius.

Exactly, says Belle. Not bright red ones.

That's the TRICK! says Baldy.

What IS your plan? asks Splosh.

It's forming, says Gaius. Now, perhaps you'd like to lead us to where you spotted the oystercatchers.

Okay, says Splosh. It was near the Sculptured Rocks where I've just been working.

Oh, Splosh! says Belle. Did you encounter any trouble?

None, says Splosh. My stuff's pretty classy. Most of the sculptures look.....better.

I can't wait to see them, says Belle. But it's dark. Perhaps we should wait until morning.

No, let's go NOW, says Terence. No, wait. First sharpen my pencil.

Give it to me, says Belle.

She sharpens the red pencil, and gives it back to Terence.

What can I have? asks Baldy.

Choose, says Belle.

 Baldy chooses a black one.

Terence is jealous.

All right, says Belle. It doesn't look like Arthur is coming. We'll go to the Sculptured Rocks now. Do we need a torch?

No, says Splosh. There's enough moonlight. And the sculptures are brighter than they were.

What are they? asks Belle.

Bizarre shapes, faces and figures, says Splosh. Inspired by local tales of pirates and smugglers, and monsters.

Monsters!

Terence looks at Baldy, eyeing the black pencil. Want to swap pencils?

Baldy looks at Terence. No way!

The Second Question

Why are you the leader? asks Baldy.

What does this say? asks Terence.

He points at his tummy.

BEWARE, says Baldy.

And what does yours say? asks Terence.

THE RISING, says Baldy.

No, says Terence. That's on your back. Your tummy is just painted feathers.

RISING is better, says Baldy.

RISING is what happens after, says Terence. BEWARE is a warning. So I go first, and you come second.

Belle intervenes at this juncture.

THE RISING is already happening, says Belle. That's why we're here, to warn the oystercatchers about it. Time to stop bickering.

And act, agrees Gaius. Not with painted slogans, but with cheeses, or like objects.

Yes, says Belle. Terence and I will go shopping. You wait here Gaius, with Baldy. I don't want Arthur escaping.

Good point, says Gaius. None of us want Arthur escaping. But just in case, will you purchase a pencil?

I'll purchase a whole box of pencils, says Belle. And a sharpener. Come, Terence.

Why do I have to....? asks Terence.

People will see BEWARE on your tummy, says Belle, and they'll start asking questions.

What will be the answer? asks Terence.

ME, says Baldy. I'll be here. I'll be the answer.

To the first question, says Gaius. The second question, I shall answer.

Good, says Belle. See you later.

She goes up the stone steps, followed by Terence, who tries to push past her, because the message is on his tummy.

Baldy makes marks in the sand with his foot.

Gaius keeps a look out for Arthur.

Someone approaches from the east. Not Arthur.

It's Splosh.

Gaius! says Splosh. I've made huge strides in raising awareness. What about you?

Not so much, says Gaius. There seems to be an overabundance of seagulls.

Nonsense, says Splosh. I've seen oodles of birds. I've seen gannets, shags and peregrine falcons. I've spotted whimbrels, oystercatchers, northern lapwings, even a hobby, also a few meadow pipits, stonechats, wrens, linnets, kestrels, buzzards, skylarks, woodlarks, common cuckoos and melodious warblers.....

Where? asks Gaius.

In the sky, says Baldy.

Oh, hello Baldy, says Splosh. Where's Terence? Are you the leader today?

Yes! says Baldy. I'm the leader. Terence is just buying a pencil.

We Had To Drink Blood

The oystercatchers stare at the Babybel cheeses.

Is this our scrape? asks one, of the other.

It cannot be ours, says the other. We did not lay two red eggs in it.

What if it's the seagulls, getting their own back? asks the one, of the other.

If they were getting their own back, says the other, the scrape would be empty.

Good point darling, says the one to the other. And who lays red eggs around here?

No one I know, says the other.

They leave their sullied scrape, and move two metres sideways, to scrape out another.

.......

The sun will soon set. François-René and Arthur are deep in conversation.

It wasn't a serious poem, says Arthur.

Tell it to me anyway, says François-René.

Arthur recites the poem he made up in the Monoprix

En short et caleçon,
les enfants et bébés
croisent leur jambes
contre les pingouins

Curious, says François-René. Why the pingouins?

Baldy asked if he looked like a penguin, says Arthur.

He looks nothing like a penguin, says François-René.

He was trying on panda long johns, at the time, says Arthur.

François-René laughs, and opens another bottle.

Neither he nor Arthur notice that Terence and Baldy are missing.

Their little bare feet have felt the sun setting.

They have awoken.

They have felt nauseous, regretted the loss of their cheeses, and come up with a plan.

Come on, says Terence. The sand's up. Let's do it!

Okay! says Baldy.

They run.

.......

On the shore, Gaius and Belle are waiting.

There they are, says Belle.

Terence stops when he sees them. Baldy keeps running.

Uh uh uh, puffs Baldy.

Where are Arthur and François-René? asks Belle. And what's that you smell of?

We lost our weapons, says Baldy. We were hiding. We had to drink blood.

Blood, says Belle. I don't think so. I'll have a few words to say to Arthur.

Terence plods up.

We had a PLAN! Now it's ruined.

I could say the same, says Gaius. I have seen plenty of seagulls, but few other seabirds. And I still don't have a pencil.

Our plan was better, says Terence. But we lost our cheeses. They floated away.

We'll buy new ones, says Belle. That's easy. Tell me what your plan was.

Can't, says Terence.

He can't remember what the plan was exactly. But the Babybel cheeses were in it.

Eggs! says Baldy.  We were going to trick them.

Trick them? says Gaius. Trick the oystercatchers? With false eggs? Genius! Well done, Terence!

It was MY plan, says Baldy. I thought of it.

I'm the leader, says Terence.

Irresponsible Poets

François-René de Chateaubriand opens a wooden door in the side of his tomb, and drags out a portable gas barbecue.

He rummages in a cool box, and produces two tenderloin beef fillets.

He searches in a dark corner for onions, and a bottle of merlot.

A knife and a saucepan.

He lights the barbecue, and waits while the hot plate heats up.

What can WE have? asks Terence.

Onions, says Arthur.

We don't like onions, says Terence.

We like red drinks, says Baldy.

You may be in luck then, says François-René.

.......

In Saint Malo old town, Gaius peers out over the ramparts, at the waves rolling in.

The tidal pool, the yellow sand, ladders, stairs and child friendly rocks are now covered.

Seagulls wheel in the sky.

One lands beside him.

Ah, Lefty, says Gaius. I believe you have something to tell me.

Lefty smirks.

To Gaius it looks like a normal seagull expression.

He waits for information.

Lefty says nothing, but jerks his head eastward.

What? says Gaius. Do you want me to follow you?

Lefty flies off, disappearing in spray.

It is most disconcerting.

.......

The steaks are ready. So is the wine sauce.

Arthur and Francois-René dig in, sharing the onion knife.

Apologies for the lack of cutlery, says Francois-René.

That's okay, says Arthur.

My signature dish, says François-René. Steak Chateaubriand.

Looks easy, says Arthur, scooping up onion sauce on the flat of the onion knife.

Pretty easy, says François- René. And the best part is you can sample the wine while you're preparing it....

...and then open another bottle, says Arthur.

Exactly, says Francois-René. Luckily I have a large cellar.

Can we have some? asks Terence.

If Belle was there, or Gaius, the answer would have been different, but here we have two irresponsible poets.

Sure, says François-René.

They settle back to wait for the sunset, which is not yet forthcoming.

What do you think of Belle? asks François-René.

She's sharp, says Arthur. She's good at picnics. She doesn't get mad easily.

The elegance of the palm tree and the delicacy of the reed, says François-René, drinking deeply from the bottle. Her white robe of mulberry bark waves slightly behind her, revealing her two heels of rose at each step.....

Is that from Les Natchez? asks Arthur (hoping it is, or his friend has dismal powers of observation).

Yes, says François-René. I was attempting a new kind of writing, for an exotic location.

How did it go? asks Arthur.

I kindled the imagination of a whole generation, says Francois-René. As you did.

I didn't, says Arthur. I gave up.

I give up, says Terence.

Me too, says Baldy. There's never going to be a sunset. We're stuck here for ever.

Ever, says Terence. And I feel sick.

And we lost our cheeses, says Baldy.

The two infants lie side by side, near an empty wine bottle, bare feet facing the ocean, kissed by the breeze.

The earth turns a little. The sun lights their heels with roses.....

Two Red Eyes

The two wrinkled Babybel cheeses wash up on the beach at Saint Malo.

They sit, in two dents in the sand, like two red eyes looking up at the walls of the old town.

They are spotted by seagulls, one of whom is Lefty.

Lefty swoops down and picks up both Babybel cheeses. Wark! He drops one.

I'll have it! squawks one of his rivals.

Yerk! It's a cheese! Not a sun dried tomato!

I know! Follow me! cries Lefty, almost dropping his Babybel cheese, but managing to retain it.

He is hatching a plan.

......

Gaius and Belle search the beach for Terence and Baldy.

They are not there.

They head back to the Hotel Kyriad.

Not there either.

Belle calls Arthur, on the island.

Arthur answers, a thing which is rare.

Found them? asks Belle.

Who? asks Arthur.

Terence and Baldy, says Belle.

Yes, says Arthur. We found them. They were hiding.

How naughty, says Belle. Now you're all stuck on the island till the tide turns. Do you know when that will be?

Sunset, says Arthur. We're going to sit on François-René's tomb and watch it.

Have you got anything to eat? asks Belle.

No, says Arthur.

Terence has two Babybel cheeses, says Belle.

That's good, says Arthur.

He is sitting on the tomb with François-Rene, Terence and Baldy.

The heavy waves roll in. The waters rise around the edges of Grand Bé, which seems to grow smaller.

Birds circle, in the white sky.

.....

Where are they? asks Arthur.

We dropped them in the water, says Baldy.

We could have eaten them, says Arthur.

Hungry? asks François-René. I'll rustle up something in my camp kitchen.

.......

The little red cheeses have been transported to the Rance estuary, and dropped in a scrape.

Two oystercatchers own it.

When they return from their mollusc stabbing expedition they are surprised to see two red eggs in their nest which was formerly empty.

A Romantic and Tragic Story

There is a old fort on the island, the Fort National.

Terence and Baldy want to explore it.

Belle wants to look at the tomb. So do Arthur and Gaius.

It's not far to the tomb, says François-René. Leave them to play. Others may see them, and become aware of their message.

Okay, says Belle. No fighting, no running off into the water. And remember the message.

Terence nods, Baldy does likewise.

They run into the fort.

What's the message? asks Baldy.

Don't do anything fun, says Terence.

Fighting? says Baldy.

And running into the water, says Terence.

What about throwing cheese? says Baldy. That's not fighting.

Yay! says Terence. No it isn't. Here's your weapon.

He drags two Babybel cheeses from his pocket, and gives one to Baldy.

They don't look like cheeses. Or weapons. They look like two sun dried tomatoes.

You hide, says Terence.

Let's both hide, says Baldy.

They run in different directions, through the Fort National, clutching their weapons.

......

François-René is chatting to Gaius, as they walk to the tomb.

Les Natchez, perhaps you've heard of it? says François-René.

What is it's subject? asks Gaius.

The American Indian tribe known as the Natchez, says Francois-René. I travelled to the Americas as a young man, and wrote a romantic and tragic story about the wars between the Natchez and a group of French settlers. My style was much praised at the time, and my descriptions of natural flora were thought to be captivating and vivid.

I should like to read it, says Gaius. Do you have a copy?

No, says François-René. Not on me. But you can read it online.

I shall, says Gaius. I gather you take an interest in natural science? What birds have you here?

Oh, says François-René. All sorts. The worst are the seagulls.

They have now reached the tomb.

Case in point, says François-René, scraping several off-white crusty lumps from the surface, with his finger nail.

Did you see that, Arthur? whispers Belle. He used his finger nail.

So what? says Arthur.

It's not very nice, says Belle.

Arthur wishes the tide would come in.

......

The tide turns, it's time to leave the island.

They head back to the fort.

No sign of Terence or Baldy.

Belle asks a tour guide, if he's seen two painted infants.

No, says the tour guide. And I would have noticed. Not many infants are painted.

They've probably gone back to the beach, says François-René. But I'll stay here, and make a thorough search of the fort before leaving.

Very kind, says Gaius. Coming Arthur? I need you to find me a pencil sharpener, or a new pencil.

Arthur would rather not have to deal with these matters.

And the waters are rising.

I'll stay, says Arthur.

Good man, says Gaius. The pencil can wait till the morning.

Gaius and Belle cross the causeway, as waves crash in, one after another.

Crash one! Spitting angry bubbles.

Crash two! Roaring furious foam.

Crash three! Mighty pouring waters, bearing two little red blobules that once were Babybel cheeses and now look like sun dried tomatoes.....

Rising Tides

Belle! cries François-René, as soon as he sees her.

She walks over, squelching through sand.

François-René, how nice to see you, says Belle.

You know one another? says Gaius. He's Arthur's new friend.

Belle et Bonne, says François-René. The look of the night and the smile of the dawn.

Cool it, says Belle. Do you still blame my papa for the French Revolution?

Vello? says Gaius. How can he be blamed for the French Revolution?

Merde! Come on! says Arthur.

Okay, says Belle. Fair enough. Let's move on.

I am more than willing, says François-René. I was about to show Arthur my island. Will you join us?

Yes, says Belle. If you don't mind me bringing these two scallywags.

François-René bends down to examine the two scallywags.

What is all this about? Two holy infants, painted in activist feathers and statements! BEWARE and THE RISING. It's....

He is about to say outrageous. But he knows he shouldn't.

He remembers something he wrote once, in 'The Genius of Christianity'.

Only Christianity is able to explain progress in arts and letters.

It was a foolish statement. He knew it at the time, but it does come in useful.

It's a sign of progress! says Francois-René. I assume it's about rising tides.

It's about stabbing, says Terence,

He loves the idea.

Stabbing and smashing, says Baldy.

Birds, says Gaius. It's about the extinction of birds.

Good thing too, says François-René.

Arthur nudges him sharply.

I mean, of course, he continues, preventing the extinction of birds is an excellent thing.

Indeed, says Gaius. Now, we should be getting on. The tide won't stay out while we natter.

Come, says François-René. We may see a bird or two. And I'll show you my tomb on the ocean side of the island.

Your tomb? says Gaius. May I ask who is in it?

Not me obviously, says Francois-René. Let's say, it awaits me. Meanwhile it is visited daily by thousands.

Of seagulls, mutters Belle.

In fact, she is partially right.

On the far side of the island, Lefty shits on the stone tomb of François-René de Chateaubriand, favourite son of Saint Malo.

Stab Twist Smash

Terence's new Hawaii shorts are dry, but the cutlass shorts underneath are still dampish.

The Babybel cheeses in his pocket have sagged into wrinkly ovals.

Baldy's panda long johns are draped over a heater.

Baldy gazes out of the window, while they're drying.

Look! says Baldy. Two islands! Can we go there?

I suppose so. The tide's out, says Belle. Will you come with us, Gaius?

What? says Gaius. Where?

The islands, says Belle. Grand Bé and Petit Bé.

I may as well, says Gaius. I seem to have broken my pencil.

Splosh will have one, says Belle.

Where is she? asks Gaius.

Gone up the coast to look at the Sculptured Rocks, says Belle. She'll be back later.

Am I dry yet? asks Baldy.

You are, but not your pants, says Belle. Perhaps Terence will lend you his Hawaii shorts.

Okay, says Terence. He takes them off, further distressing the Babybel cheeses.

Baldy struggles into the Hawaii shorts. They are loose at the waist and the bottom, but otherwise wearable.

Are we all ready? asks Belle.

They head off down the stairs, out of the hotel, down the stone steps and onto the sands.

They keep walking, until they come to Bon Secours beach, and a tidal pool, where children are playing.

The children stop playing. They have seen Terence and Baldy, who (we remember) are covered in activist statements: BEWARE and THE RISING (with black and white feathers).

One of the children comes over.

Are you a bird? asks the child.

NO! says Baldy. I'm an oystercatcher.

That's a bird, says the child.

Some of us are birds, says Baldy. I'm one that isn't.

They don't even catch oysters, says the child. They catch molluscs. They stab, twist and smash them.

We catch whatever we want, says Terence. You don't know everything.

You're not one. You don't have feathers, says the child. You've just got writing.

What does it say? asks Terence.

BEWARE, says the child.

Yes, says Terence. BEWARE I stab molluscs.

Don't be so silly, says Belle. Are you guys coming? The tide won't stay out for ever. Gaius is nearly there already.

They can see him, in the distance.

He has stopped to talk to two people.

One of them is Arthur.

Arthur! cries Terence, running forward.

Baldy runs too, but his Hawaii shorts hold him back a little.

Belle gets closer. Who is the other guy, with Arthur?

Dark eyes and black hair, with a kiss curl. A floppy white collar.

Could it be? Yes it could. Papa's arch enemy.

François-René de Chateaubriand!

Of course! Grand Bé is his island.

It's got to be him.

But.... he looks kind of youngish.

Transience

Another drink? asks the dark-eyed poet.

Arthur doesn't mind if he does.

Do you live on it? asks Arthur.

On what? asks the poet.

Your island, says Arthur.

Oh that, says the poet. You could say I do.

I'm Arthur, says Arthur.

François-René, says the poet.

What's its name? asks Arthur.

Grand Be, says François-René. Would you like to come out there? Birds abound. Also ruins.

I like ruins, says Arthur.

His phone rings, but he doesn't answer.

This afternoon at low tide, says François-René. We'll walk out there.

You look like someone, says Arthur.

HA! says the poet. The romantic look is what I go for. I'm a writer.

Anything I've heard of? asks Arthur.

Les Natchez, says François-René.

Arthur has never heard of Les Natchez.

You? asks the poet.

Illuminations, says Arthur.

You wrote that? I love it! says François-René. Another drink, yes?

Arthur doesn't mind if he does.

..........

In the hotel room, Gaius is scribbling notes, while his clothes dry.

Notes: SEAGULLS.....

That is as far as he gets.

Tap tap tap. A seagull is sitting outside the window, staring in without blinking.

Gaius gets up and opens the window.

It's me, says the seagull.

Is it? says Gaius.

What does that mean? asks the seagull.

I apologise, says Gaius. I recognise you, of course. In fact, you're just the bird I want to see.

I thought so, says the seagull. We flew off in a hurry, Extreme Lefty and me.

Indeed, says Gaius. I wished to ask you what you know of the habits of the Eurasian oystercatcher. I gather you hold them in low regard.

We do, says the seagull, (who must be Lefty). Very low regard.

Well then, says Gaius. What can you tell me?

He picks up his notebook.

They're lazy, says Lefty. They lay their eggs in a scrape in the sand.

I know that, says Gaius. And rising sea levels are a problem. They persist in building their scrapes in the same places.

Ha! says Lefty. But what you don't know is.....

BANG! the door of the hotel room bursts open and Terence and Baldy race in, followed by Belle, with a towel.

No! cries Terence. I'm not taking them off!

Lefty is startled, and vanishes.

Gaius is annoyed. He draws a heavy line under SEAGULLS in his notebook.

So heavy, his pencil breaks. And he doesn't have another.

Damn. Where is Arthur?

Dark Eyes And A Kiss Curl

Belle, Splosh and Arthur check into a room in the Hotel Kyriad, with a sea view.

We can all fit in here, don't you think?, says Belle.

Sure, says Splosh. I'll be out and about, mostly.

We all will, says Belle. What a wonderful view.

They gaze out of the window at the waves crashing onto the pavement.

There's Gaius, says Arthur. Talking to seagulls.

Is he? says Belle. Oh yes! I see. And Terence and Baldy are getting soaked. He's not even watching.

Baldy's long johns didn't look like they'd dry very quickly, says Splosh. They're fleecy cotton.

Lucky Terence has got those spare shorts, says Belle.

He's wearing both pairs, says Splosh.

Arthur is not into laundry conversations.

I'll be back later, he says.

He goes down to the pavement, to find Gaius.

Then he changes his mind.

Gaius will probably want to recruit him for some task or other.

Arthur heads off down the slick pavement, in the opposite direction, to look for a bar.

Gaius is talking to seagulls, two in particular.

They perch on the sea wall, beside him.

Oystercatchers! says one (call him Lefty).

The study was most specific, says Gaius.

As if there were no other birds! says the other (call him Extreme Lefty).

A twenty year international study, says Gaius. I'm here to follow it up. The oystercatchers don't appear to be able to learn new behaviours.

Bwaarhhk-hark-hark! laughs Extreme Lefty. It's clear you know nothing about oystercatchers!

Gaius thought he knew everything. But he is happy to receive new information.

Tell me.....begins Gaius.

Warkaarkkk! Watch your infants! squawks Lefty.

Terence is balancing on one foot on the sea wall. A large wave is approaching.

Baldy is facing the wrong way. He is looking up at the window of the Hotel Kyriad, waving.

Belle! Look at me!

But today a disaster is not going to happen.

The wave breaks gently.

Rainbow droplets fall in a mist on the infant activists.

When the mist clears the seagulls have flown away.

I must speak with them further,  says Gaius. But you boys are soaking wet. Is that Belle I see up there? Yes! That must be our hotel. Most convenient!

They go in, and up to their room, to dry off.

Meanwhile Arthur is in a bar, talking to a young man who looks like a poet, with dark eyes and a kiss-curl.

It's all mine, says the poet.

(we appear to have dropped in mid-conversation).

Any birds there? asks Arthur.

Every-bleeping-where! says the poet. Gannets, shags, seagulls, peregrine falcons....

Oystercatchers? asks Arthur.

Doubtless, says the poet.

Not that he cares.

Freedom Need Not Be Random

The chance encounter Sweezus was hoping for happens, when Simone's hat blows off.

It blows into the path of a friend of hers, Collette, who is out strolling.

Oh! cries Collette, bending to pick up the hat.

Simone stops to greet her friend and recover her head gear.

Simone! says Collette. What a lovely creation!

Thank you, says Simone, receiving her hat.

How have you been, dear? Shall we go for a coffee?

Meanwhile Sweezus and Sartre have cycled away, round the corner.

That was heaps random, says Sweezus.

Freedom need not be random, says Sartre.

I guess not, says Sweezus, But her hat blowing off was kind of random.

Losing her hat pins was not, says Sartre.

How come? asks Sweezus.

I have them here in my pocket, says Sartre.

He draws out two hat pins, their points jammed into sensible corks.

Okay, says Sweezus. This is your philosophy, right? Make your own rules. Reinvent yourself if necessary.

It worked for Madonna, says Sartre. And it worked for Pol Pot.

Sweezus is kicking himself for not bringing a notebook, and pencil. But hey! who can take notes on a bike? He'll just have to remember. Pol Pot! And freakin' Madonna!

Wanna head out to the country? asks Sweezus.

Why not? says Sartre.

......

The very fast train pulls into the station at Saint Malo.

Everyone gets out and heads to the turnstile.

This is when you might need a ticket.

Wait here, says Arthur. He goes up to a counter, and speaks to a uniformed person.

They are waved through.

Good work, Arthur, says Gaius. And I must say I enjoyed the seat hopping.

What did you say to the guy on the counter? asks Belle.

This and that, says Arthur. But we ought to get moving.

Hm, says Belle. You told a few porkies.

Not exactly, says Arthur. I have to come back later and pay for the tickets.

And they let you get away with that? says Splosh.

Yes, says Arthur. Because of the family tragedy.

He gives Splosh the blue look. Her eyes fill with sympathy, followed by admiration, tinged with flashes of scorn.

To the sea wall! cries Gaius. I want to see what we're dealing with.

Yay! says Terence. I see it already!

Where? cries Baldy.

Down there! says Terence. See the spraying?

We'll go and find a hotel, says Belle. Splosh, Arthur, you coming?

So Gaius, Terence and Baldy head down to the sea wall.

They look like a nice little family. Gaius the grandpa. Terence and Baldy, the children.

Terence in two pairs of shorts, Baldy in panda long johns.

From the stone ramparts, seagulls are watching.

See that? says a seagull.

Qwark! says his less linguistically competent companion.

That's Gaius Plinius Secundus, says the first seagull. He's brought two activists with him.

QWARK! say the second, impressed.

A Second Sex Breeze

Two things are now happening, in Paris.

The research team, with Arthur included, is boarding a very fast train for Saint Malo.

Arthur has organised everything.

Almost everything.

Sweezus is meeting Sartre on a corner.

They will both be on bicycles.

The plan is to ride somewhere at random, speaking of existential matters and what it is to be human.

If topology is mentioned, it will be as a side issue.

Ditto for prunes.

Back to the station, which is Paris-Gare-Montparnasse.

The research team boards the very fast train.

Sit anywhere, says Arthur. Actually, don't sit down yet.

Can we run up and down the carriage? asks Baldy.

Yes, says Arthur. You can be the spotters.

You're very organised, Arthur, says Splosh.

He might not be as organised as you think, says Belle. I bet we're seat-hopping.

That's cool, says Splosh. I'm all for it.

I don't mind either, says Belle. What about you, Gaius?

Seat hopping? says Gaius. Is this some modern new application?

Kind of, says Belle. Oh well, it's only two hours forty minutes, and we'll be in Saint Malo.

Baldy and Terence come running back. No empty seats spotted.

The very fast train moves smoothly forward.

Sweezus and Sartre have met on the corner.

Simone de Beauvoir has come too.

This could be a nuisance.

She is wearing her light bamboo hat, with the raffia flowers.

It doesn't appear to have fixings, and could blow off easily.

How lovely, to be cycling together through Paris, says Simone. But don't mind me.

We won't, says Sartre.

Typical, laughs Simone. We women are still the second sex, and yet, who gets read more often?

You do, dear, says Sartre.

When I think of all those children you never let me have, says Simone.

You didn't want them. And this is not a good time to bring up children...

Oh, very clever. But sorry, your interview. Go ahead, Sweezus. Ask him about human existence and radical freedom.

I was going to, says Sweezus.

He hopes for a breeze. Then her hat will blow off.

Or a chance encounter.

A Mixed Message

In Les Deux Magots, Sweezus and Splosh wait for the shoppers to come back.

Sweezus: Yeah, and turns out a cube is identical to a sphere.

Splosh: Not where I come from.

Sweezus: Me either, but that's topology, according to Sartre.

Splosh: Why's he interested in topology?

Sweezus: Progress. Why are you interested in oystercatchers?

Splosh: I'm not, really.

Sweezus: Just your career?

Splosh: Ultimately.

Sweezus: Same with me. That's why I'm up for one last chance with Sartre.

Splosh: How's that work?

Sweezus: Yeah well, the reason my article got rejected was ....

Splosh: .....gossip. I know.

Sweezus: Not only that, there was a crucial element missing.

Splosh: Topology. You didn't explain it.

Sweezus: No. A bicycle. Any bicycle.

Splosh: Huh?

Sweezus is about to explain that every article in Velosophy must at least mention a bicycle, and that his didn't, when the shoppers arrive.

Baldy (running in first): Look at my new pants!

Splosh: Have you been crying?

Baldy: Yes, I had to.

Terence (arriving next): He's crying because he's too hot.

Baldy: No I wasn't.

Sweezus: Good pants. What are they? Oystercatchers?

Baldy: PANDAS!

Splosh: At least they match your new feathers.

Gaius: Yes. He looks the part now. Quite the activist.

Belle: He looks like a mixed message. But never mind. At least he's happy.

Gaius: Arthur managed to do some sort of deal. He got the panda long johns for nothing. And Terence talked me into a bargain.

Terence: Look! Hawaii shorts!

Sweezus: What deal?

Arthur: Pants for a poem.

Sweezus: I bet you just dashed it off.

Arthur: Yes, I did. So... what are we doing?

Belle: We're off to Saint Malo on the very fast train.

Gaius: The TGV? Won't that be more expensive?

Arthur: Not necessarily.

Gaius: Are you coming?

Arthur: I might. Sweezus needs time with Sartre. They're re-doing the topology interview on bicycles.

Belle: Is that papa's idea? How ridiculous. Couldn't you just have added a bicycle to what you'd written already?

Sweezus: Not really. It was all about cubes and prunes.

Belle: I bet Arthur could've. You should've asked him.

Sweezus looks crestfallen.

She wishes she hadn't said it.

Crossed Legs Against Penguins

In Monoprix, Baldy has found a pair of fleecy long johns, that he likes.

They cost thirteen euros.

They'll be too hot, says Belle. It's summer.

But they've got pandas on, says Baldy.

THESE are good! says Terence, holding up a pair of Hawaii 32 running shorts, blue with red numerals, and white side stripes.

And good value, says Gaius. Four euros eighty. That's seventy percent off!

No, says Baldy. I want the panda ones.

Try them on, says Arthur. I'll come in with you.

Why? asks Baldy.

To tell you what to do, says Arthur.

Arthur goes with Baldy to the change rooms.

Baldy tries the panda long johns on.

Sure you want these? asks Arthur.

Do I look like a penguin? asks Baldy, doing funny penguin steps.

Yes, says Arthur. Now, run out of the shop, crying, and I'll distract them.

That's stealing, says Baldy.

It won't be stealing says Arthur, because I'll leave them a poem.

Baldy's ethical stance crumbles.

About a penguin? asks Baldy.

If you want, says Arthur.

Baldy runs out of the Monoprix, crying.

Belle sees him go.

Oh dear, says Belle, and runs out after Baldy.

Come on Terence, says Gaius. Something is wrong.

Can I have these? asks Terence. PLEASE! You said they were a bargain.

A shop assistant comes over.

Are you planning to buy these, monsieur?

I suppose so, says Gaius. He pays the four euros eighty, and the shop assistant pops the Hawaii 32s into a Monoprix bag.

Gaius leaves with Terence, who looks happy.

Arthur leaves the change room, and walks up to the counter.

This is for you, says Arthur. It's a poem. You can use it as a selling tool.

The shop assistant reads the poem.

En short et caleçon
les bébés et les enfants
croisent leurs jambes
contre les pingouins.

Arthur Rimbaud.

The shop assistant likes it so much she forgets to enquire about the baby who ran out crying just now, in a pair of panda long johns, which have not been paid for. She shows it to the manager, who, seeing an opportunity, prints up several copies in large lettering.

They suspend the copies in locations above the baby shorts and caleçons.

And sell every sale item before the midday closing.

Last Chances

The team stops in Paris, before they head off to Saint Malo.

They're meeting Sweezus for lunch at Les Deux Magots.

Sweezie! says Belle. What's that you're having?

But she can see what he's having.

Macarons.

Tch! All that sugar! says Belle.

How come you've still got Baldy? asks Sweezus.

I'm on strike, says Baldy.

He's on strike till he gets shorts, says Terence. He's wearing girls' undies.

I'm a bird, says Baldy. Guess which one?

A penguin, says Sweezus.

Ha ha, laughs Gaius. He's a Eurasian oystercatcher.

Cool, says Sweezus.

I thought you'd go mental, says Splosh.

Me, mental? says Sweezus. Can't go more mental than I already am.

What's happened? asks Belle. Did you write the piece on Sartre?

Boss rejected it, says Sweezus. Too gossipy.

Really? says Belle. But Sartre's such an intellectual.

Yeah right, says Sweezus. It was because I mentioned that he has to eat prunes.

We should all eat more prunes, says Gaius.

Is that all? asks Belle.

And he made me eat one, in a weird way, says Sweezus. It was creepy.

Did you make notes? asks Gaius.

He did, says Sweezus. And then he wouldn't give them to me.

Poor you, says Belle. It did go wrong, didn't it. Are you free now? We're off  to Saint Malo.

I'm waiting for Arthur, says Sweezus. He should be here already.

Excellent, says Gaius. I was hoping to see Arthur.

Arthur comes in.

Hello, says Arthur. I've done it.

No kidding! says Sweezus. You're a legend. Is Sartre okay?

He's just oiling his bicycle, says Arthur.

This is mysterious.

My last chance, says Sweezus. Thanks, Arthur.

Shorts! says Baldy.

Ah yes, says Gaius. Arthur. Where can we buy infants' shorts?

How should I know? says Arthur.

Monoprix, says Belle. Maybe Arthur would like to come with us?

Yes, says Gaius. Arthur, do come with us.

Arthur sits down. First he would like to eat a macaron. He selects one.

.......

At Monoprix, there is a sale on, because it's the last month of summer.

There is an abundance of shorts and caleçons for enfants and bébés.

Baldy is looking for bird ones, maybe with blood on.

Terence finds a nice blue pair printed with red and white yachts.

We're supposed to get plain ones, says Belle. But I guess he can have what he likes.

As long as they're not too expensive, says Gaius, looking at Arthur.

They won't be expensive, says Arthur.

Bird Simple

On the train back to Clermont-Ferrand.

Am I in the team now? asks Baldy.

Indeed you are, says Gaius. And with team membership, comes responsibility. You are a symbol.

I know, says Baldy.

Me too, says Terence.

You're both symbols says Splosh. That's how I painted you. But Baldy is the bird symbol. He has the black and white feathers, and one orange finger.

He hasn't got shorts, says Terence.

Do birds have shorts? asks Baldy.

No, says Gaius. What are you talking about, Terence?

I've got shorts, says Terence. Cutlass shorts with blood dripping off them. And I've got pockets.

So what? says Baldy.

You've got girl's undies, says Terence. So I've got the Babybel cheeses in my shorts pocket. You had to put them there, remember?

Baldy looks shocked.

Are these girl's undies? asks Baldy.

No dear, says Belle. It's a wispy drapery, to cover your willy.

I want shorts! says Baldy. And I'm on strike till I get them.

He's on strike, says Terence. And I've got the cheeses. So I'm the leader.

But I've got the plan, says Baldy.

I've got the plan, says Gaius. You may or may not have a sub-plan.

........

On the train from Clermont-Ferrand to Paris.

We should drop in on Sweezus, says Belle. See how he's going with Sartre.

Yes, and Arthur may have made an appearance, says Splosh.

I hope so, says Gaius. This trip is becoming expensive. And now it seems we must buy Baldy shorts in Paris.

Yes! cries Baldy. Special bird shorts!

We'll go to a Monoprix, says Belle. They'll have something.

Buy plain ones, says Splosh. I'll make them look bird-ish.

Tight ones? asks Belle. Will you do feathers?

Yep, says Splosh. It'll look like he's not even wearing them.

Hey! says Baldy. I want proper ones like Terence.

No. You're the Bird Simple, says Terence.

Symbol, says Splosh.

The matter remains unresolved.

Gaius browses through his notes on the Eurasian oystercatcher, or Haematopus ostralegus.

Very similar to the Australian pied oystercatcher, or Haemotopus longirostris, and its sooty counterpart, Haemotopus fuliginosus.

Hmm. And you can't tell them anything.

Stop Selling Cheese

As we're in Le Puy-en-Velay, says Gaius, I shall purchase a regional cheese.

What a lovely idea, says Belle. We can all have a picnic. Any cheese in particular?

L'Artisou is said to have a distinctive flavour, says Gaius.

Is that the one made by spiders? asks Splosh. 

Mites, says Gaius. Spider mites are encouraged to run across the crust while it matures. 

I know that one, says Belle. Papa likes it. He says it tastes dusty.

They find a cheese shop and all go inside.

Oh! says the lady cheese shop owner. How well you have painted your children!

We came in to buy cheese, says Splosh.  But as you're interested, sea levels are rising and we're doing something about it.

I merely sell cheese, says the cheese shop owner. What can I do about rising sea levels here in Le Puy-en-Velay? 

Stop selling cheese, says Splosh. 

Splosh! says Belle. We came in to buy l'Artisou!

L'Artisou! says the cheese shop owner. I have sold out, because the pilgrims all buy it.

Do they like it? asks Belle.

No, says the cheese shop owner. It's a penance.

Have you got red penances? asks Terence.

He-he, laughs Baldy. Or red pencils?

The cheeses shop lady shoos them all out of the cheese shop.

They go to a Carrefour, where Belle buys baguettes, a cucumber, and five red Babybel cheeses. 

.......

That was a great start! says Splosh. We're already raising awareness. 

But not among the oystercatchers, says Gaius. They must be our priority.

Yes, says Belle. The poor little oystercatchers. We should head for the coast.

I was thinking of Saint Malo, says Gaius. 

Cool! says Splosh. I'd love to paint something there.

Yes, you could do that, says Belle, while Gaius and I try to teach the oystercatchers new behaviours.

I can make them do new behaviours, says Terence. 

Me too, says Baldy.

How would you do it? asks Belle.

Whack them, says Terence. Like Saint Joseph.

Trick them, says Baldy. Like the Virgin.

To trick them is likely to be more effective, says Gaius. How would you trick them?

Maybe...with cheeses, says Baldy.

To be honest, he hasn't thought ahead quite that far.

I know! says Terence. Tell them the truth. That they'll DIE!

Not them, says Gaius. But their eggs will float off without hatching.

That doesn't seem like a problem to Terence. 

It would be nice to be floating. Like a parrot. He flaps his small arms.

Stop moving! Do you want your Babybel cheese yet? asks Baldy.

No, says Terence. I can't eat Baby Cheeses. You can't either.

He-he! laughs Baldy. Because we're Baby Cheeses! 

Baby Cheesuses, says Belle. And that's a lame joke. Stop being silly.

Baldy shoves two little red Baby Cheesuses into Terence's pocket.

They may be of use in Saint Malo.

A Predator's Dinner

The train stops in Le Puy-en-Velay.

Who's going to take Baldy back to his mother? asks Belle. Shall I do it?

We'll all do it, says Gaius. That's why we came.

So Gaius, Belle, Splosh, Terence and Baldy walk together to the Corneille Rock and begin climbing the steps inside the Virgin.

Race you to the top, says Splosh,

Terence and Baldy start running.

Splosh and Belle speed up a little.

Gaius climbs steadily.

Terence is first to reach the crown of stars on the head of the Virgin.

He looks down at her nose.

It would make a good ski ramp.

Baldy arrives next, panting.

The Virgin turns her eyes upwards.

Who might you be? asks the Virgin.

Me, Baldy, says Baldy. And Terence.

You're late! says the Virgin.

Are the clowns dead? asks Terence.

Half dead, says the Virgin. Meaning, one is and one isn't.

Good one, says Terence.

Mama! says Baldy.

I'll give you Mama, says the Virgin. A week late or more! And look at you! Done up like a predator's dinner.

I'm an oystercatcher, says Baldy.

The Virgin shakes her head.

And what's that on your tummy?

THE RISING, says Baldy.

How inappropriate, says the Virgin. Disclosing the ending! Luckily it's unreadable.

It's about rising sea levels, says Splosh, who has emerged at the crown of stars.

Oh, is it? says the Virgin.

She has never worried about rising sea levels. Why should she?

The oystercatchers are endangered, says Belle. And Splosh is an activist.

Honestly! says the Virgin. You'd think that up here at least one could avoid them.

Gaius emerges. He looks down at the view.

Scenic mountains. Tiny pilgrims, making their way along the Camino de Santiago.

It's you! says the Virgin.

You know me? says Gaius.

From Team Condor, says the Virgin. With that nice looking young man who made off with Baldy, promising to bring him back in the morning. A whole week ago!

We've come to return him, says Gaius We apologise for the delay. It was a misunderstanding.

Yes, sorry, says Belle. Well, Terence, say goodbye to Baldy.

Goodbye, Baldy, says Terence.

What! Are you leaving him here? asks the Virgin. But I've ordered another one. They've already melted the cannon.

I suppose you can't cope with two, says Belle. Imagine. One in each arm, how would you ... you know...do anything?

The Virgin considers.

Baldy, dear, says the Virgin. You have grown up a lot. You have lovely curls now. You resemble an endangered bird species. You are articulate. It's time for you to go forth and do something to raise public awareness about THE RISING.

Well said! says Splosh. You're a legend, Ms Virgin!

Thank you, says the Virgin. Never say I don't try.

Would you like a touch up? says Splosh. By way of thanks for giving us Baldy.

Why not? say the Virgin.

Splosh gives her a touch up.

The Virgin's stars twinkle, and her nose looks smaller, less like a ski ramp.

Goodbye and sorry, mama, says Baldy.

Goodbye, Baldy. Be good. Goodbye, Terence, says the Virgin.

Which one did you kill? asks Terence.

Pickelherring, I think, says the Virgin.