Ignoring The Hole

 Sweezus and Sartre return to their seats on the train.

The Imposter? says Sartre.

Okay, says Sweezus. I shouldn't have said it.

On the contrary, says Sartre. It's a very good title. I may use it.

But it's kind of ambiguous, says Sweezus.

All the better says Sartre. Who is the imposter? You, me or the bear?

You can't mention the bear, says Sweezus. 

I know that, says Sartre. And I didn't. It was you.

Those two won't remember, says Sweezus. Or they'll think it's a code name.

Let us hope so, says Sartre. 

He picks up his ipad and starts typing:

Something happened in the bar carriage. My companion nearly gave the game away. A couple approached us, recognised us and asked for a link to my blog. They too did not like the title, Existence precedes Essence. My companion suggested I should call it The Imposter. At first I thought he was referring to me. But he was referring to the one we are going to Barcelona to rescue. Now there are two strangers who  know the nature of the Imposter, but not the location. 

He is proud of this entry. He will show it to Sweezus.

He nudges Sweezus.

Shit! says Sweezus. I blasted a hole in the back wall.

Your goats will escape, says Sartre. Was it my fault?

You nudged me, says Sweezus. What do you think so far? Ignoring the hole.

Sartre looks at the Minecraft goat pen. It looks boxy.

It looks boxy, says Sartre. But apart from the hole it seems functional.

I'm making a grass patch in the centre, says Sweezus, and a composting area.

Fancy, says Sartre. Would you like to see my next entry?

Yeah okay, says Sweezus. 

He reads what Sartre has written.

That's good, says Sweezus. You used my title. And ramped up the mystery.

Without mentioning the bear, says Sartre.

And the two strangers'll know who they are, says Sweezus. And they'll tell their friends, and you'll get heaps more readers.

I must tell Simone, says Sartre. 

Trains Have Ears

Sartre and Sweezus are still in the bar carriage, drinking beer.

Which may be unwise.

Trains have ears.

Or so Sartre is telling Sweezus.

I know, says Sweezus. but it's not like we're talking about the rescue.

Or who we're to rescue, says Sartre.

Or what with, says Sweezus.

Ears prick up.

Not the train's ears, but the ears of a couple nearby.

They have watched the Tour de France on tv and recognised Sweezus.

Excusez-moi, says the man. 

No worries, says Sweezus. 

Aren't you the captain of Team Condor? asks the man.

Yeah, says Sweezus. How did you know?

We saw you on the tv, says the man. 

And you too, says the woman, looking directly at Sartre.

I was not in it, says Sartre.

Yes you were, says the woman. In Team Philosophe.

That was not me, says Sartre.

Pardon, says the woman. You look like one of those guys.

Which one? asks Sartre.

If it wasn't you, it doesn't matter, says the woman.

I was in Team Existentialiste years ago, says Sartre. Perhaps you know me from then?

Team Existentialiste? says the man. Are you.... Jean Paul Sartre?

I am, says Sartre. 

Do you still ride a bike? asks the woman.

Rarely, says Sartre. But I'm taking a bike to Barcelona.

We both are, says Sweezus. 

To rescue someone? asks the man.

I think it's meant to be a secret, says the woman.

So they were listening!

I shall be blogging it, says Sartre. In fact I've already begun. You can follow me, if you wish to.

Super! says the woman. What's it called?

There'll  be a link in Velosophy, says Sweezus. 

Yes but what's it called? asks the woman.

Existence precedes Essence, says Sartre. 

Maybe you should call it Rescue In Barcelona, suggests the man.

Or The Secret Mission, says the woman.

Or The Imposter, says Sweezus. How about that?

Sartre looks at him, severely.

Not you , says Sweezus. The bear.

The man and woman look at one another.

Quoi? Are they planning to rescue a bear?

Busted Eating A Crisp On The Phone

Sweezus and Sartre are in the bar carriage. 

Eating crisps, drinking beer.

Sartre gets a phone call.

Alors? says Sartre.

Have you begun blogging? asks Simone.

Oui, mon amour, answers Sartre.

I don't see it anywhere, says Simone. What's it called?

I'll send you a link, says Sartre.

He fumbles with his phone.

Is that Simone? asks Sweezus. 

It is, says Sartre. She wants to read what I've written.

Yeah, good plan, says Sweezus. See what she thinks of the title.

She won't like it, says Sartre, but she'll like the first paragraph.

About you paying for the bike spaces, says Sweezus.

Perhaps not that part, says Sartre.

Got it, ma chérie? asks Sartre.

Got it, says Simone. Existence precedes Essence. Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure, says Sartre.

It's your decision, says Simone. But aren't you planning to rescue a bear?

I'm not supposed to mention it yet, says Sartre.

I understand that, mon petit, says Simone. But what has essence got to do with it?

My essence has everything to do with it, says Sartre. The action of rescuing , indeed the series of actions leading up to the rescue, and the rescue itself, constitute what I make of myself.

It's not all about you, says Simone.

I know that, ma chou, says Sartre. Have you read any further? You'll see that I mention the young man who is travelling with me. 

Sweezus, yes, I know, says Simone. But I see you have paid for his bike space.

A courtesy, says Sartre. He is giving me useful advice.

Is he looking over your shoulder? asks Simone. You won't like that.

He has been playing Minecraft, says Sartre. He is making a pen for his goats.

That should keep him occupied, says Simone. What's that sound? Like crunching.

We're in the bar carriage, says Sartre. I am eating a crisp.

Don't eat too many, says Simone. You know how salty they are.

I know, says Sartre. And I do appreciate your opinion.

I know that, my love, says Simone.

The call ends.

What did she think? asks Sweezus.

Many things, says Sartre. 

Like what? asks Sweezus.

She doesn't like the title, she thinks I think everything's all about me. I pointed out that you have equal billing and she pointed out that I'd paid for your bike space.

She's a sharp one, says Sweezus.

She is, says Sartre.

I'll get the next round, says Sweezus. More crisps?

D'accord, says Sartre.

You Become What You Do

The very fast train is now moving fast.

Sartre is still typing.

How's it going? asks Sweezus.

Very well, says Sartre. 

Don't make the posts too long, says Sweezus.

I shall stop when I choose, says Sartre.

Just saying, says Sweezus. Short and simple is best.

I shall stop now, says Sartre. Did you bring any snacks?

No, says Sweezus. Bringing snacks isn't part of my essence.

You WERE reading it! says Sartre. 

Yeah sorry, says Sweezus. I'll play Minecraft or something.

He takes out his own ipad.

You seem to have a wrong idea about essence, says Sartre. It's not about snacks.

There's a bar carriage, says Sweezus. We could head up there.

We should clear this up first, says Sartre.

No need to, says Sweezus. I get it. 

Tell me what you think it is that you get, says Sartre.

Okay, says Sweezus. You reckon you become what you do.

That's succinct, says Sartre.

Maybe I should write one, says Sweezus.

No no, says Sartre. One blog will suffice. And it should be mine.

Sweezus starts playing Minecraft. He conjures up goats.

They leap over towers and crash into bridges. . 

Perhaps he should build something for them.

He remembers Sartre's philosophy. You are what you do.

Does that mean he's a goat guy?

No, that was his version of Sartre's philosophy. 

But he should build them something.

He starts collecting wooden pallets and bricks..

Maybe Sartre is looking over his shoulder.

See, I'm a building type guy.

But when he looks up Sartre is typing again.

Sartre stops. 

Having said he wouldn't continue, he has continued. 

Punctuation, says Sartre.

Minecraft, says Sweezus. Building a pen for my goats.

Do they now have a better understanding of each other's essence?

Bar carriage? suggests Sartre.

Yeah, let's go, says Sweezus.

Existence And Essence

Sweezus and Sartre are at the Gare de Lyon, about to board a fast train to Barcelona.

Sartre has paid for the tickets, including two bike spaces, at ten euros each.

They park the bikes in the bike space, and go to their seats.

Sartre receives a phone call from Simone.

Quoi, ma cherie?

Jean Paul, are you on board already?

Yes I am, waiting to depart.

Look out of the window, mon petit!

He looks out of the window, and sees Simone walking along the platform. 

She spots him.

He gets up and goes to the door.

You have forgotten your ipad, says Simone. How would you have blogged your adventure without it?

Merci bien, cherie, says Sartre, taking the ipad.

Bon voyage, says Simone.

Sartre returns to his seat.

What did she want? asks Sweezus.

It seems I forgot this, says Sartre.

Great! says Sweezus. Good on her for bringing it.

Yes, says Sartre. Shall I commence blogging at once?

Why not? says Sweezus. But don't reveal what we're planning.

I shall keep that a secret, says Sartre. I plan to philosophise mainly.

Yeah, go ahead then, says Sweezus. 

Sartre opens the ipad, and stares at the screen.

He starts typing: Existence precedes Essence.

Is that the title? asks Sweezus.

I hope you're not going to watch over my shoulder, says Sartre.

Shit no, says Sweezus. But I need to post a link to your blog for our readers.

Wait till I've finished, says Sartre. But how do you like the title?

Makes you think, says Sweezus. 

Thank you, says Sartre.

But.... says Sweezus.

But what? asks Sartre.

Remember to mention the bikes, says Sweezus.

We're on a train! says Sartre. 

With our bikes in the bike space, says Sweezus. Our readers need to know that or else they'll turn off.

I see, says Sartre. I shall keep that in mind.

He continues typing.

What do I mean by this title? Let me explain. I am on a fast train to Barcelona. A man, existing, but I could be anyone. The young man beside me for instance. He too exists. And he may have a plan of action which will determine his essence. The same goes for me. But I must not reveal my plan of action. Suffice to say, I have paid ten euros for a bike space. And an additional ten euros for his bike space as well.

Sweezus, unable to help himself, has been reading what Sartre has written.

He's not sure he likes what the financial revelation reveals of his essence.

The Thing Will Be Wanting To Come

 Flyingsmarty catches up with Supermarty.

They are level with the empty seat, where Arthur had been sitting.

That's where Arthur was sitting, says Prong.

You must be Terence, says the man who was sitting next to Arthur before Arthur moved on.

Must I? says Terence.

I assume so, says the man. You're with this drone parrot, and you're too young for a phone.

I'm not too young, says Terence. But where's Arthur?

Moved on, says the man. But you can sit here if you like.

Don't do it! warns Prong.

He might come looking for you, says the man, and this is the first place he'll look.

No it isn't, says Prong. It's the second place.

What's the first place? asks Terence.

Where you were when he left you, says Prong. Next to the kid.

Back that way, says the man, indicating the direction that Terence has come from.

Yes, says Terence.

Then he'll pass by here first, says the man. And you can attract his attention.

This sounds like a good plan to Terence.

He already knows how he'll attract Arthur's attention.

By pinching his leg. It will be funny.

He sits down next to the man.

I hear you're going to Barcelona? says the man.

Yes, says Terence. On a mission.

Secret mission, says Prong.

Yes, a secret mission, says Terence. 

I know something about it, says the man. 

Like what? asks Terence. 

You're taking a rope and a net, says the man.

But what for? asks Terence.

So your drone parrot can fly up and steal something from the Virgin on the Sagrada Familia, says the man.

What something? asks Terence. 

That I don't know, says the man.

I'm not going to steal anything, says Prong.

No she isn't, says Terence. The thing will be wanting to come.

Yes, wanting to come, says Prong. The rope and the net are just for its safety.

I see, says the man. So it's a sentient being.

What does that mean? asks Terence.

Alive, says the man. I guess it won't be a crime.

Unless I break something, says Prong.

Like a sticking out thing, says Terence. There used to be lots of those.

I'm sure you'll be careful, says the man.

Prong's always careful, says Terence.

Flyingsmarty is always careful, says Prong.

Is Flyingsmarty your code name? asks the man.

Prong isn't sure that she should have revealed it.

Unsmarty and Supersmarty

I'm moving, says Terence, getting out of his seat.

See you, says the kid with the ipad.

I'm not coming back, says Terence. I'm going to find a new seat on the train.

What about your stuff? asks the kid with the ipad.

I don't have any stuff, says Terence.

Except the spy parrot, says the kid with the ipad.

She's coming too, says Terence.

Am I? asks Prong. What if Arthur comes looking?

I'll bump into him, says Terence.

What if you've sat down already? asks Prong.

I'll reach out and pinch his leg, says Terence. 

He imagines doing it and Arthur reacting.

Merde! Oh, there you are Terence!

What if you're not in an aisle seat? asks Prong.

Your spy parrot is smarter than you are, says the kid with the ipad.

But not smarter than you are, says Terence. 

Thanks, says the kid with the ipad.

I meant it in a bad way, says Terence.

But you said I'm smarter than both of you, says the kid with the ipad.

Tricked you, says Terence. 

How? asks the kid with the ipad.

Because you believed me, says Terence.

Shall I go and tell Arthur you're moving ? asks Prong.

No I'll go, says Terence. You wait here with Unsmarty.

Who? asks Prong.

He means me, says the kid with the ipad. Don't call me Unsmarty again.

It's your code name, says Terence. In case I come back.

This changes everything.

What's your code name? asks the kid with the ipad.

Supersmarty, says Terence.

The kid commits the two code names to memory.

Terence marches off down the train.

Want to know my code name, before I follow Supersmarty? asks Prong.

Yes, says the kid. 

Now Prong has to think of a code name.

Flyingsmarty, says Prong.

Copy that, says Unsmarty.

Flyingsmarty flies off down the train.

Trick Thing

Prong has droned back to Terence to tell him who's coming.

Is it soldiers? asks Terence.

No, says Prong, it's Sweezus and a friend.

Which friend? asks Terence.

Arthur didn't say, says Prong. I think he thinks he'd better not say too much.

Yes, says Terence. He shouldn't.

Come on, says the kid with the ipad.

Come on what? asks Terence.

You guys are really bad spies, says the kid. You say things that people sitting next to you can hear.

Maybe they're trick things, says Terence.

Huh, says the kid. 

He doesn't believe they are trick things.

He returns to his game.

It's not a real bear, says Terence.

What isn't? asks the kid.

The one we're going to rescue, says Terence. Or not rescue.

Yes, or not rescue, says Prong. But it might be.

What? says the kid.

A real bear, says Prong. Or a baby.

Yes a hairy baby, says Terence.

But we've said enough, says Prong. 

Does Arthur want me to move yet? asks Terence.

Not yet, says Prong. But he might be about to change seats himself. 

How come? asks Terence.

Because the man sitting next to him heard him talking to Sweezus on the phone, says Prong.

So what? asks Terence.

Sweezus must have said he was bringing a rope and a net, says Prong.

Could you hear him? asks Terence.

No I couldn't, but Arthur said A rope and a net? What for? and the man heard him.

Yikes! says Terence.

Maybe it was a trick thing, says the kid with the ipad.

Maybe it was.

But this kid is annoying.

Almost As Good As A Phone

What's he playing? asks the kid with the ipad.

What's who playing? asks Terence.

Your guy up the train, says the kid with the ipad.

He's not playing anything, says Terence.

Then why does he need reinforcements? asks the kid.

Don't ask me, says Terence. He hasn't even got his own seat.

It's for when we get to Barcelona, says Prong.

Soldiers? says the kid. What's going on?

They're bringing a net and a rope, says Prong. 

Yikes! says Terence. They must be for the rescue.

What rescue? asks the kid with the ipad.

We're going to rescue a bear, says Terence. 

With soldiers? asks the kid. That's pretty full on!

It might not be soldiers, says Prong.

Why not? asks Terence.

Because it might just be friends, says Prong. 

Go and ask him, says Terence.

Prong assumes drone mode again. Flies up the train to where Arthur is sitting.

I haven't given the signal, says Arthur.

Terence wants to know who's coming? says Prong. 

Why? asks Arthur. Has he seen the ticket inspector?

No, says Prong. But the kid sitting next to Terence said it might be soldiers.

Putain! says Arthur. Soldiers on the train!

No, says Prong. Who are we meeting in Barcelona?

Oh, says Arthur. Tell him it's Sweezus, and a friend.

I knew it! says Prong. 

Then why did you come up here? asks Arthur.

Terence asked me to, says Prong.

That's a useful drone parrot you've got there, says the man sitting next to Arthur.

Mm, says Arthur. Almost as good as a phone.

Well, yes, says the man.

Terence hasn't got a phone, says Prong.

Who is Terence? asks the man sitting next to Arthur. Your son?

No, says Arthur. He's a kid who's travelling to Barcelona with me.

To see the Sagrada Familia? says the man. I hear it's amazing.

Yes, says Arthur. 

Very popular with the tourists, says the man. There are long queues, even if you've bought tickets.

I won't need a ticket, says Prong. I'll fly straight up to the Virgin. 

With a rope and a net? says the man next to Arthur.

Arthur nudges Prong.

Oh... no, says Prong.

But too late, the man is looking suspicious. 

Arthur may have to seat hop again.

The Confident Drone

Prong is looking for Arthur, somewhere up the train.

Look! A parrot on the train! cries a passenger.

Oop! What to do now?

Prong makes a decision, and starts buzzing.

Bzzzzzz.

Probably a drone, says another passenger.

A drone in the shape of a parrot? says a third passenger.

They come in all shapes these days, says another.

Prong flies on, now a confident drone.

She spots Arthur, who has found an empty seat and sat down.

She lands on his shoulder.

Merde! says Arthur.

Sorry, says Prong. Terence sent me to see where you are.

Arthur's phone rings.

It's Sweezus.

Hey, where are you? asks Sweezus.

Seems like everyone wants to know that, says Arthur.

You in trouble? asks Sweezus.

No, says Arthur. What's up?

I'll be coming to Barcelona, says Sweezus. With Jean Paul Sartre.

Good, says Arthur. When will you get there?

Tomorrow, says Sweezus. And we're bringing a net and a rope.

A net and a rope? What for? asks Arthur.

The rescue, says Sweezus. And oh yeah, Sartre'll blog the whole thing.

Can't wait to read that, says Arthur. 

See you on the steps of the Sagrada Familia, says Sweezus.

Okay, see you, says Arthur.

What's happening? asks Prong.

Reinforcements, says Arthur.

What does that mean? asks Prong.

Can't tell you right now, says Arthur, looking across at the guy sitting next to him.

Got it, says Prong. By the way do you have my curly whiskers?

Yes, says Arthur. But you won't be needing them yet.

Okay, says Prong. I'l tell Terence where you are and come back every five minutes to check if you're giving the signal.

Sounds like a plan, says Arthur.

Prong flies back to Terence, with the news about reinforcements.

Hi, says Terence. Did you find him?

Yes, I found him, says Prong. And he's getting reinforcements. Whatever those are.

Food and drinks, says Terence.

No they're not, says the kid next to Terence, looking up from his ipad. 

They're like, soldiers.

Terence wonders where Arthur is getting them from.

Spy Parrot Kudos

Meanwhile, on the fast train to Barcelona.

Arthur has given the signal.

A bent finger, raised.

Look, says Terence. That's the signal.

Prong stops looking dazed.

I missed it, says Prong.

How come? asks Terence.

You told me to stare, says Prong, so I'd look like a toy.

Next time stare at Arthur, says Terence.

Shouldn't we respond to the signal? asks Prong.

Yes, says Terence. Come on.

Put me on your shoulder, says Prong.

Okay, says Terence. 

He lifts Prong onto his shoulder.

That's a wonderful toy you have there, says his neighbour.

Thanks, says Terence.

Thank you, madam, says Prong.

Would you like me to save your seat for you? asks the neighbour.

I don't know, says Terence. I mean yes, maybe.... no.

I'll save it anyway, says the neighbour who seems like a nice lady.

Terence and Prong move up to where Arthur is sitting.

Ticket inspector, says Arthur. Time to move on.

Where to? asks Terence.

Up the train, says Arthur. Towards the inspector.

He starts walking up the train.

Terence follows with Prong.

They pass the ticket inspector.

Arrètez! says the ticket inspector. Ou allez-vous?

Toilet, says Arthur.

I must see your ticket first, says the ticket inspector.

The kid's in a hurry, says Arthur.

I'm going to pee on the floor, says Terence.

Go then, says the ticket inspector. I'll catch up with you when you return to your seat.

Thanks, says Arthur.

Phew! says Terence. 

They keep walking, until Arthur spots an empty seat.

Sit there, says Arthur. If anyone comes and says it's their seat, come and find me.

Okay, says Terence.

He sits down next to a kid who is playing a game on his ipad.

The kid looks up.

And back at his game.

Shall I go and see where Arthur is going to be sitting? asks Prong.

Yes, says Terence. Then we'll know if we'll be able to see the next signal.

Prong goes off.

The kid looks up again.

Spy parrot? says the kid.

Spy parrot, says Terence.

This is pleasing.

Her Practical Suggestions

Let me guess, says Simone.

Okay, says Sweezus.

You are about to ask Jean Paul to come with you to Barcelona, says Simone.

Are you? asks Sartre.

That's part of it, says Sweezus. 

Are we to assist in the rescue? asks Sartre.

From below, says Sweezus. Just as backup.

There you are, Jean Paul, says Simone. A chance for some positive action.

Sartre bites into a blue macaron.

Jean Paul is taking it seriously, says Simone.

Yeah great, says Sweezus. And it'll get him some attention.

Do you still crave attention, mon petit? asks Simone.

It wouldn't hurt, says Sartre. But how exactly would I get this attention? 

That's the best part of my idea, says Sweezus. You blog your journey. 

What a clever idea, says Simone. You must do it, my darling. A few words every day. How would you begin it?

Man is nothing but his plan, says Sartre.

Awesome, says Sweezus.

But first you should say where you're going and why, says Simone.

That will follow, says Sartre.

I think you should state those things first, says Simone. Before you start dropping your philosophical epithets.

It will be my choice, says Sartre.

Of course, says Simone. You're lucky I'm not going.

She picks up the last macaron. A brown one.

Alors, it's the last one, says Simone. Will you have it, Sweezus?

Sweezus remembers the dead fly. And she did not wash her hands. But yeah she never actually touched it. He was watching, the whole time.

Yeah thanks, says Sweezus. He takes it. 

I'm becoming quite excited, says Sartre. What shall I pack?

I suggest a rope and a net, says Simone.

Sweezus is impressed by her practical suggestions.

Which Virgin Is That?

The cakes are macarons, Sweezus's favourite.

He takes a pale yellow one.

Sartre hands him a coffee and sits down in his armchair.

I was sitting there, says Simone. I just got up to let the fly out.

Let it out? says Sartre.

Of the window, says Simone.

Yeah she made it look like a butterfly, says Sweezus.

She touched it? says Sartre.

Of course I didn't touch it, says Simone. I twisted the scrap of newspaper with the dead fly inside.

You should wash your hands, says Sartre.

I shall, says Simone. 

She takes a pale green macaron from the plate, and changes the subject.

Sweezus was telling me about something Arthur and Terence are doing, says Simone.

What might that be? asks Sartre.

They are on their way to visit the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona, says Simone.

A pilgrimage? asks Sartre. 

A rescue mission, says Sweezus.

A Sylvanian bear has been detained by the Virgin, says Simone.

Which virgin is that? asks Sartre.

Simone looks at Sweezus. Which one?

The one who dropped Terence, says Sweezus.

So this bear is a substitute for Terence, says Sartre. But why does it need to be rescued?

Yes why? says Simone. Surely Terence isn't going to offer himself in its place?

Shit no, says Sweezus. Terence hated being up there. 

Was she unkind? asks Simone.

More like vacant, says Sweezus. And Terence was always in trouble from Saint Joseph.

What kind of trouble? asks Simone. 

Used to chase him with his woodworking tools, says Sweezus. And whack him.

It couldn't have hurt much, says Sartre..

That's hardly the point, says Simone. I wonder if the Sylvanian bear gets the same treatment?

Yeah, never thought about that, says Sweezus. 

He takes a second macaron. A pale pink one.

Help yourself, cheri, says Simone.

He has, says Sartre.

I'm surprised you're not part of this rescue mission yourself, says Simone.

Me? says Sartre.

As if you would put yourself out to rescue anyone, says Simone. No, I meant him.

I would've, says Sweezus, but the boss insisted I do this interview.

What a shame, says Simone.

When have I ever not rescued anyone who needed rescuing? asks Sartre.

Never, says Simone. But that is only because....

Hey, says Sweezus, I've just had this really cool idea.

Good

And who will ger rid of this squashed fly? asks Simone.

It is already got rid of, says Sartre.

Not completely, says Simone. It is smeared on this newspaper. How can we serve coffee and cakes to our guest while it remains on the table?

Doesn't bother me, says Sweeus.

You are sweet, says Simone, but one of us shall move it.

She looks at Jean Paul.

I'll make the coffee, says Jean Paul.

I knew you would choose that, says Simone.

Sartre gets out of his armchair and heads for the kitchen.

Simone sits down in his chair.

She picks up the newspaper, avoiding the parts of dead fly.

And how are you, mon cheri? asks Simone.

Good, says Sweezus.

And le petit Terence? she asks, tearing round the piece of newspaper on which is the fly.

Yeah, Terence, he's good, says Sweezus.

Growing up, I imagine, says Simone.

Not in size, says Sweezus, but he's kind of maturing.

How wonderful! says Simone. Give me an example.

Errm... yeah well... he's on his way to Barcelona, says Sweezus.

Alone? asks Simone, twisting the torn piece of newspaper.

With Arthur, says Sweezus. 

Dear Arthur, says Simone. How is he?

Good, says Sweezus. 

And what do they plan to do in Barcelona? asks Simone.

You don't want to know, says Sweezus.

I certainly do, says Simone.

They're going to rescue a Sylvanian bear from the Sagrada Familia, says Sweezus.

I see, says Simone. Where is this bear exactly?

The Virgin's got it, says Sweezus. 

Simone smoothes out the ends of the twisted newspaper, so it looks like a butterfly.

It's impossible to see the dead fly in the middle.

Sartre comes in with some cakes on a plate, and returns to the kitchen for the coffee.

Simone takes her butterfly to the window. 

Opens the window and drops it outside.

Reality In Action

Arthur props his bike in a bike space near the door of the train

He should have paid ten euros for this bike space, but he hasn't.

Nor has he paid for a ticket.

Look for two empty seats, says Arthur.

I'm looking, says Terence.

Wait till the train moves, says Arthur.

Okay, says Terence.

Why can't we just sit down? asks Prong.

Because we'll be seat hopping, says Arthur.

The train starts to move forward.

There are a few empty seats, but no two are together.

You sit here, says Arthur. And I'll be three seats down. Watch out for my signal.

What signal? asks Prong.

Arthur holds his hand up and crooks a finger.

What does it mean, the signal? asks Prong.

It means hop now, says Terence.

Got it, says Prong.

Terence sits down. 

Prong perches on his knee.

Pretend to be a toy, says Terence.

How? asks Prong.

Stare, says Terence.

Prong stares, but it's risky. 

What if she misses the signal?

....

Meanwhile back in Paris.

You were pretty nimble, says Sweezus. I mean with the fly.

The fly is in parts on the newspaper with which it was killed.

Detached legs, mashed body parts, brown liquid smearings.

There is no reality except in action, says Sartre.

Tell that to the fly, says Sweezus.. 

My statement refers to human action, says Sartre. 

Yeah, I get that, says Sweezus. You still ride a bike?

Now and then, says Sartre. How about you?

Did you watch the Tour de France on TV? asks Sweezus. I was in it.

Oh were you? asks Sartre. I was mainly interested in the efforts of Team Philosophe.

They did okay this year, says Sweezus. 

I ask myself how they keep going, says Sartre.

Guess they like the attention, says Sweezus.

Hmm, says Sartre. Perhaps I should try something to gain more attention.

Don't you get much attention? asks Sweezus.

My wife gets more attention than I do, says Sartre.

A key jangles. The front door opens. In comes a woman.

It's Simone de Beauvoir.

Bonjour mes petits!, says Simone. 

Hey, Simone, says Sweezus. 

How lovely to see you! says Simone. Has Jean Paul offered you cakes and coffee? Non, I thought not. Il est très paresseux!

Look here, Beaver, says Jean Paul. I have just killed a fly.

Simone de Beauvoir stares at the squashed fly with distaste.

I Might Be Nothing

Arthur is wheeling his bike to the Gare de Lyon.

Terence is perched on the saddle with Prong on his shoulder.

Everyone's looking, says Terence.

That because they think you're about to fall off, says Arthur.

I AM about to fall off, says Terence.

Don't worry, I've got you, says Prong.

Prong's got me, says Terence.

Arthur goes over a bump in the footpath.

Terence falls off.

You should have warned me, says Prong.

Arthur stops.

Are we there yet? asks Terence.

Not far, says Arthur. You can walk now.

They walk the rest of the way to the Gare de Lyon.

Except for Prong who now sits on the saddle.

So far the trip to Barcelona is going quite smoothly. 

....

Meanwhile Sweezus is knocking on Jean Paul Sartre's front door.

Jean Paul Sartre opens the door.

Bonjour, says Jean Paul Sartre.

Remember me? says Sweezus.

Bien sur, says Sartre. It was only nine years ago.

Jizz! Was it? says Sweezus. No wonder I thought you might be...

Might be what? asks Sartre.

Nothing, says Sweezus.

I might be nothing, says Sartre. Sadly that's how it is with me nowadays.

Yeah, but nothing's probably better than being dead, says Sweezus.

Ah! says Sartre. So you thought I had died.

No, says Sweezus. Boss told me you hadn't. That's why I'm here. Otherwise...

Do come in, says Sartre. 

Sweezus goes in.

Choose yourself a seat, says Sartre.

Sweezus looks at the seats. 

There are two armchairs, a two seater couch and a window seat loaded with cushions.

He chooses an armchair, expecting that Sartre will sit in the other.

Sartre heads for the window seat.

Shit! How will this interview go if he sits over there? 

Have I sat in your favourite armchair? asks Sweezus.

I'm not going to sit here by the window, says Sartre. I'm just looking for the newspaper.

You read the newspaper? asks Sweezus.

Rarely, but I've spotted a fly, says Sartre.

He finds the newspaper, rolls it up, and starts stalking the fly.

It's over there, says Sweezus pointing.

Keep still! says Sartre.

I was just pointing, says Sweezus.

And the fly is no longer there, says Sartre.

Sorry, says Sweezus. 

Sartre keeps stalking.

Wanna hear a fly joke? asks Sweezus. 

Is it in English? asks Sartre.

Yeah, says Sweezus. What do you call a fly with no wings?

Je ne sais pas, says Sartre.

A walk, says Sweezus.

You will have to explain it, says Sartre.

Fuck. Now Sweezus will have to explain his lame fly joke to Sartre.

Because Sartre didn't get it.

But the fly did. It starts laughing, and so is too slow to escape the rolled up newspaper of Sartre.

Whack! 

And the fly is no more.

Shit Advice

When are we going? asks Terence.

When you've finished your red drink, says Arthur.

Yeah? says Sweezus. How're you going to get there?

Train, says Arthur.

Yay! says Terence. I love trains.

He slurps his red drink down and is ready.

Come on, says Arthur. 

We have to get Prong, says Terence. 

She can fly to Barcelona, says Arthur.

She might not know the way, says Terence.

She can ask the other birds, says Arthur.

Remember she has curly whiskers, says Gaius.

Meaning? says Arthur.

You should take the curly whiskers with you. They mustn't get wet.

Okay, says Arthur.

He and Terence leave La Crème de Paris.

Bye everyone! shouts Terence.

Bye Terence, says Belle. Remember to do what Arthur tells you.

That might turn out to be shit advice, says Sweezus.

No worse than if you went, says Belle.

Everything will be fine, Belle, says Vello. Arthur and Terence will have a quixotic adventure. You and I and David will have a few days more in Paris, Sweezus will commence work at once. 

You haven't told me what I'm supposed to be doing, says Sweezus.

Interviewing Jean Paul Sartre, face to face, says Vello. 

I did that years ago, says Sweezus. Is he even alive?

Of course he's alive, says Vello. And no doubt he has some new and interesting philosophies.

As opposed to his old uninteresting philosophies, says Sweezus.

Ha ha! laughs David. Don't tell him that.

Maybe I just never understood them, says Sweezus.

Get him to talk about bikes, says Vello. That's what our readers expect.

I think I know how to do my job, says Sweezus.

He gets up and walks out of La Crème de Paris.

Terence and Arthur are outside talking to Prong.

I would  prefer to travel by train, says Prong.

You can, says Terence. 

On the roof, says Arthur.

She'll lose all her feathers up there, says Sweezus.

And her curly whiskers, says Terence. Don't worry Prong. You can sit on my knee.

Pretend she's a toy parrot, says Sweezus. That works.

Arthur shrugs. 

He doesn't mind really, what Prong does.

Imagine You're Lost

You look much better, says Belle.

I'm pale and sad, says Terence.

That's your normal colour, says Sweezus.

I'm not normally sad, says Terence.

I'm sorry, says Belle. I thought you'd keep it down. 

Shall I try again? says Terence.

No, says Belle. I'll order a Ribena.

She goes off to do that.

Guess what? asks Sweezus.

What? asks Terence.

While you were outside....begins Sweezus.

Vomiting, says Terence.

Yes vomiting, says Sweezus. We were talking.

About going to Barcelona? asks Terence.

Yeah, says Sweezus. 

Are you going? asks Terence.

No, says Sweezus. I'm staying in Paris.

I'm going, says Arthur. And you're coming with me.

To rescue the sister? asks Terence. 

That's one thing I'll do, says Arthur.

That's very kind of you Arthur, says Gaius. 

Yes, says Terence. But what if you lose me?

Arthur won't lose you, says Gaius. He is very reliable.

If I lose you, says Arthur, we'll meet on the steps at the front of your palace.

See? says Terence. He thinks he might lose me.

But he's devised a plan B, says Gaius.

What is it? asks Terence.

The meeting place, says Gaius. Imagine you're lost.

Because he lost me, says Terence.

Because you wandered off, says Gaius. What do you do?

I ask Prong where Arthur is, says Terence.

But you already know where Arthur is, says Gaius. Where is he?

On the steps in front of my palace, says Terence. What if he isn't?

You wait, says Arthur. I'll be there eventually.

Sorry I'm not coming, says Sweezus. 

Belle comes back with the Ribena.

Guess what? says Terence.

I already know, says Belle. Arthur is taking you to Barcelona, and Sweezus isn't going because he has to work here in Paris.

Don't look at me, says Vello. No one has to go to Barcelona.

Only Arthur and me, says Terence. And Prong. And her curly whiskers.

What an adventure, says Belle. What will you do with the sister, after she's rescued?

Terence has not really thought about that.

Blood Guts Pale And Sad

The fruits rouges are strawberries, blackberries and cranberries.

Belle takes a few off her crepe and mashes them on a saucer, using a fork.

She gives Terence a spoon.

Try that, says Belle.

It looks like blood and guts, says Terence.

Don't you want it? asks Belle.

I want it, says Terence.

He starts eating the blood and guts.

Wooh! Yes! He can eat anything.

But suddenly, he gets a sharp pain half way down.

What's the trouble little buddy? asks Sweezus.

Bluuh-uh! says Terence.

Don't eat any more, says Gaius. Shall I take you outside?

Yes, says Terence. I might be going to vomit.

Gaius takes Terence outside La Creme de Paris.

Prong is waiting, perched on an outdoor chair.

Did you ask them? asks Prong.

I'm going to throw up, says Terence. Watch this.

Prong watches with horror.

Terence throws up blood and guts.

Fear not, says Gaius, seeing Prong's exprssion, They are simply fruits rouges.

Oh, says Prong. They're all over the pavement.

I'll call a waiter, says Gaius. Stay here Terence.

Gaius goes back inside.

Is he okay? asks Belle.

Fine, says Gaius. He vomited and made a mess. I'm calling a waiter.

Poor little fellow, says David.

Probably would've been okay if he'd chewed it, says Sweezus, I bet he just slurped it down.

It was mashed, but I shouldn't have risked it, says Belle.

Gaius has called a waiter, and the waiter has followed him outside.

Merde! says the waiter. Qu'est ca?

Surely you recognise it? says Gaius.

The waiter looks more closely.

Ah! Les fruits rouges, says the waiter.

He starts mopping them up with a cloth.

Shall we go inside, Terence? asks Gaius.

Yes, says Terence.

Make the most of it, says Prong.

Of what? asks Terence.

The situation, says Prong. They'll all feel sorry for you. You have bargaining power.

I think Prong means you might get someone to accompany you to Barcelona, says Gaius.

Yes! says Terence.

Try to look pale and sad, says Prong.

Terence tries to look pale and sad.

The Day After: A Squeeze

The next day, in Montmartre. 

Teams Philosophe and Condor are having lunch at La Crème de Paris.

They are thinking of ordering crepes.

What's emmental rapé? asks Sweezus.

Grated cheese, says Arthur.

Okay, so what's jambon de dinde? asks Sweezus.

Turkey ham, says Arthur.

WTF!

Sweezus is not having turkey ham. He orders the saumon fumé, with emmental rapé.

Arthur orders the Nutella banane.

Surfing-with-Whales orders the same.

Gaius orders a nature, in other words a plain crepe.

David and Vello are considering their options.

What can I have? asks Terence.

Well... says Belle. I'll order the creme légère with fruits rouges and see what we get.

What are fruitsroojes? asks Terence.

Red fruits says Belle. There's sure to be something to squeeze. If not you'll just have to have a Ribena.

Terence hopes there is something to squeeze.

Vello and David both decide to go classic and order the sucre citron.

One or two well wishers pass their table.

Bravo les gars! says one .

Bravo tout le monde! says another.

That's nice of them, says Vello. 

Hey, says Terence. What happens next?

Our crepes will come and we'll eat them, says Vello.

I mean after, says Terence.

Some well-earned relaxation, says Sweezus.

Not much of that, says Vello. You have work to do back in the office.

People work from anywhere nowadays, says Belle.

Yeah boss, says Sweezus. I can work from here in Paris.

Can you work from Barcelona? asks Terence.

Yeah but ... why would I? asks Sweezus.

If you had to go and rescue someone from a palace, says Terence.

No way, says Sweezus. 

What if it was your sister! says Surfing-with-Whales.

Yes! says Terence. And she was in danger!

She isn't in danger, says Sweezus.

Not yet, says Terence.

It seems you admit the existence of this sister, says David.

Ha ha, yes, says Vello. Perhaps you should go there and see.

Yay! says Terence. Does that mean we're going?

But the crepes have arrived and there are questions more pressing.

Such as: What are the fruits rouges?

Can they be squeezed into something that Terence can swallow?

Without a digestive problem ensuing.

Stage 21: Paris Champs Elysées - Worthwhile

At last the final stage.

Shortened because France is burning.

But that need not concern us now.

The riders do seven laps of the Champs Elysées.

The crowds cheer.

There goes ... who are those guys?

One has a parrot on his shoulder.

The other two look quite old.

One of the older ones is waving at the crowd as though he is famous.

Stop waving, says David. 

They love me, says Vello.

But it's not over yet, says David.

Isnt it? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

It is and it isn't, says David.

Very true, says Vello. I'll stop waving. 

When we've gone up and down Montmartre three times, that's when to start waving, says David.

I'll remember that, says Vello.

Me too, says Surfing-with-Whales.

I'll remind you, says Prong

Time to ditch that parrot, says Vello.

Don't worry, I'm going, says Prong.

She flies off to Montmartre.

Landing on Terence's shoulder.

How are they doing? asks Belle.

Arguing about waving, says Prong.

That's a good sign, says Belle. I thought they'd tired themselves out yesterday.

What about Sweezus? asks Terence. Did you see him?

I flew over him, says Prong. But I didn't land on his shoulder. I don't think he likes me.

He does like you, says Terence.

How do you know? asks Prong.

Because I like you , says Terence. And we're the same person.

What nonsense, says Belle. You and he are not the same person.

We're going to be, says Terence.

No you're not, says Belle. Have you forgotten you're Spanish?

Yes... no, says Terence. And I'm going to ask him to take me back to Barcelona to rescue his sister.

Belle laughs. 

Like this is going to happen.

The race is heating up, by the way.

Up to Montmartre. Once. Twice. Three times. 

Last chance you guys!

Who's in front now?

Matthieu Van der Poel, Jasper Philipsen, Mads Pedersen.......

Van der Poel accelerates with 600 metres to go.

Whah! He wins it.

Look at him now, breathing heavily.

He looks utterly knackered.

But no doubt he thinks it worthwhile.

Stage 20: Le Bourg d'Oisans to Alpe D'Huez - Better

This stage will be the hardest.

There are three HC climbs.

All the GC riders are determined to do at least something.

Including Richard Carapaz.

Let's keep an eye out for him.

Vello and David make their way up the first HC climb, the Col de la Croix de Fer.

Gaius rides up behind them.

Taking it easy? asks Gaius.

Very funny, says Vello. Where are Sweezus and Arthur?

Not far behind me, says Gaius. Where is Surfing-with-Whales?

We don't know, says Vello.

That's not very helpful.

Let's find out for ourselves.

Sweezus and Arthur are trying to keep up with Pablo. 

Pablo is trying to catch up with Surfing-with-Whales.

They all catch up together.

Hey, says Surfing-with-Whales. Are we near the top of this thing yet?

We have to be, says Sweezus. Look at the crowds.

The crowds look back at them.

Who are these guys?

They cheer and clap and flap cardboard signs anyway.

And Richard Carapaz?

He went over the summit a long time ago, with several rivals.

And down they go for the intermediate sprint.

Mads Pedersen wins the intermediate sprint.

Up the Col du Telegraphe and over the  Col de Galibrier goes Carapaz, gaining 20 KOM points.

Then the Col de Sarenne. and lastly the Alpe d'Huez.

Up and over.

Now the descent.

It's Carapaz, Evenepoel and Kuss, 

Kuss crashes. Gets back on his bike.

Crashes again.

Gets on again, and still he comes third.

Evenepoel comes second and Carapaz takes the victory! 

Well done, the Ecuadorian rider.

And where is Tadej Pogacar?

Coming strategically fourth, arm in arm with Isaac del Toro.

What could be better than that?

Stage 19: Gap to Alpe d'Huez - Wondering

Another mountain stage, even harder.

It ends on the Alpe d'Huez.

Which is legendary, for its twenty one hairpin bends.

Everyone is wondering if Tadej Pogacar will win.

Including David and Vello.

They are not far behind Tadej right now.

I hear some of his team mates are ill, says David. It might make a difference.

I wonder what he thinks, says Vello.

What who thinks? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Tadej Pogacar, says David. 

Why don't you ask him? says Surfing-with-Whales.

That would be intrusive, says David.

Send out Terence's spy parrot, says Surfing-with-Whales.

What a good idea, says Vello.

So at the first feeding station he grabs his musette from Terence, not Belle.

And slows down.

Keep going! shouts Terence.

I will, says Vello, but I have a request.

They're donkeys ears, says Terence. 

What are? asks Vello.

In your lunch bag, says Terence. Belle said they're called donkey's ears. Not like that poo you had yesterday.

Vello is riding very slowly. Terence is running beside him. 

Otherwise they could not have this conversation.

I want you to ask your spy parrot to spy on Tadej Pogacar and learn his plans for today, says Vello.

Okay, says Terence.

He stops running, to give instructions to Prong.

Vello catches up with David.

Done, says Vello.

Probably not worth the bother, says David. And what do you call these?

He waves a donkey's ear at Vello.

Donkey's ears, says Vello.

Meanwhile Prong has a job to do.

She flies over Tadej Pogacar, who is riding in a comfortable manner in the midst of the peloton.

He is not talking.

She will need to be bold.

She lands on his shoulder.

Tadej emits a Slovenian swear word.

Sorry. I'll be quick, says Prong. How are you feeling and what is your plan?

I feel super good and my plan is always to do the best for my team, says Tadej. And now go away before you get me into trouble.

Prong flies away.

She wouldn't want to get Tadej Pogacar into trouble.

And she doesn't.

Tadej makes a move on the Alpe d'Huez, 13k from the summit.

He catches up with Carapaz and Martinez with 3k to go.

He distances them as he rides to his fifth win of the Tour.

So much for wondering about Tadej.

Stage 18: Voiran to Orcières-Merlette - Boost

A mountain stage.

Things will start to get tough now.

Riders battle to form a breakaway.

Sweezus stays back. 

What's the plan? asks Arthur.

Stay out of trouble, says Sweezus. 

Good plan, says Arthur.

I agree, says Gaius. It wouldn't do to peak early.

They ride steadily.

Prong is flying above them.

Spying.

She flies back to Terence.

Are they winning? asks Terence.

Not yet, says Prong. They don't want to peak early.

Peek at what? asks Terence.

Not that kind of peeking, says Belle. They must be saving their efforts for the final climb. 

What if it's too late then? asks Terence.

That will be bad luck for them, says Belle. But I've put some great treats in their musettes today.

Can I look? asks Terence.

Okay have a quick look, says Belle.

Terence peeks into one of the musettes Belle holds out to him.

It's full of poo! says Terence.

It may look like poo, says Belle. That's something which can't be avoided.

What is it? asks Terence.

The long brown ones or the round black ones? asks Belle.

ALL OF THEM! says Terence.

The brown ones are diots de Savoie, says Belle. Pork sausages with nutmeg and cheese. And the round black ones are Bugey truffles.

Yuck! says Terence. They stink!

But they'll taste delicious and give them a boost of energy, says Belle.

Prong, says Terence, fly back and tell them what they're getting.

Okay, says Prong.

Tell them there's plum cake and aniseed flavoured water as well, says Belle.

Prong flies off, with a long list of items to remember.

She flies over Richard Carapaz, who has made it into a breakaway. 

And is now battling for KOM points with Paret-Peintre. 

Which means she has flown too far ahead of Team Condor.

She turns back.

And lands on Sweezus's handlebar.

Scheisse! says Sweezus. Get off!

I know you find us birds creepy, says Prong, but I come with a warning.

Yeah what? asks Sweezus. Go and tell Arthur.

Prong transfers to Arthur.

What is it? asks Arthur. You're weighing me down, and blocking my view. 

Terence sent me to warn you about the poo in your musettes, says Prong. Don't worry it's edible.

She flies off. 

That is all the warning those rude guys will get.

Arthur decides not to tell Sweezus what Prong said.

It can't be true anyway. 

So the musettes, when they get them, contain a pleasant surprise. 

Sausages and truffles.

They get a big boost of energy.

And the aniseed flavoured water is nice.

They arrive at the finish in Orcières hardly depleted.

Of course they are a long way behind Richard Carapaz.

Who arrived solo, some time before them, and came first

Stage 17: Chambéry to Voiron - Hats Off

A flat stage.

Mads Pedersen is planning to win it.

But so are some others.

The teams ride out from Chambéry.

They make their way up the Col de Basse.

For a flat stage, it's hilly.

David and Vello are grumbling.

I was led to believe it was flat, says David.

So was I, says Vello. It was classified as flat.

You guys should have looked at the profile, says Surfing-with-Whales.

We shouldn't have needed to look at the profile, says Vello.

Yeah well, says Surfing-with-Whales. There are four climbs before it flattens and a sprint near the end.

That is helpful, says Vello. And how did you do yesterday?

You should know, says Surfing-with-Whales.

That's why I'm asking, says Vello.

Middling, says Surfing-with-Whales.  Got the same time as Pablo.

So Pablo was middling as well, says David. 

Whereas we... begins Vello.

I know how you did, says Surfing-with-Whales. But hats off for trying.

I blame the rest day picnic, says David. We overindulged, and did no exercise whatsoever.

That's what rest days are for, says Vello. Why didn't you come to the picnic?

I was testing the sprint course with Pablo, says Surfing-with-Whales. And he gave me some feedback.

Feedback? says Vello. On what?

My poem, says Surfing-with-Whales. Apparently I'm too hung up on one form.

The limerick! says David.

How'd you know? asks Surfing-with-Whales. 

Because your poem about Sweezus's sister was a limerick, says David. 

I didn't even know it WAS a limerick, says Surfing-with-Whales. Anyway. My next one's on hold.

What a pity, says Vello. Or perhaps a good thing. Now why don't you speed up and lead us up the next mountain.

No worries, says Surfing-with-Whales. Follow me.

If only it were that easy.

The Col des Prés is Cat 3, and bendy.

And how are the favourites going?

Breaking away, being reeled back, attacking, keeping their heads down, and so on.

Let's not bother with any more details. 

Does Mads Pedersen win?

No.

Who then?

Jasper Philipsen, followed by Mauro Schmid and Olav Kooij.

We've all heard of them.

Stage 16: Evian-les-bains to Thonon-les-bains - Long Statement

Today it's the individual time trials.

Sweezus is waiting to go.

Terence is waiting with him.

Wish me luck, little buddy, says Sweezus.

Okay, says Terence.

You have to actually say it, says Sweezus.

Good luck, says Terence.

But it is Terence who needs good luck right now

A gendarme is approaching, having located the young person who poured Ribena into the swan fountain yesterday.

The gendarme is about to nab Terence.

When - putain!  A parrot lands on his shoulder.

The gendarme is distracted.

Allez! Mechant peroquet!

It's only a parrot, says Sweezus. Keep still for a second.

I hate birds, says the gendarme.

Me too, normally, says Sweezus. They give me the creeps. 

Oh DO they? says Prong.

Merde! The peroquet parle! says the gendarme.

What? says Terence.

Parle! says the gendarme. Speak.

I was, says Terence. But I wasn't asking you anyway.

He was asking me, says Sweezus. I was indicating that he should try and get away.

Me? says Terence. Why should I?

Because, says the gendarme, you are a suspect.

Next rider is Sweezus, of Team Condor! announces the announcer.

Shit! Gotta go! says Sweezus.

Bonne chance, monsieur, says the gendarme.

Sweezus speeds off to the chute.

Belle arrives to watch Sweezus go down it.

Guess what? I'm a suspect, says Terence.

Oui, says the gendarme. This boy is a suspect. Are you his maman?

Non, says Belle. He is my assistant. 

He was seen polluting a fountain, on the rest day,  says the gendarme.

It must have been an accident, says Belle. He probably tripped and spilt his Ribena.

The swan itself claims otherwise, says the gendarme.

That swan's a bad sport, says Prong.

Argh! says the gendarme, who had forgotten Prong was still on his shoulder.

Come down, Prong, says Belle.

I shall need a statement, says the gendarme.

So Prong flies down to Terence's shoulder.

Belle gives the gendarme a statement.

It is very long statement, including the recipe for farcement, and galette comtoise.

So long that she misses seeing Arthur, Gaius, Vello and David go down the chute.

And not only them.

She is still giving it, when Remco Evenepoel sets off on his way to a win.

And when Tadej Pogacar sets off, and comes second.

Rest Day: Haute Savoie - Swan

A rest day in Evian-les-Bains

Belle has prepared a picnic for Teams Philosophe and Condor.

They meet in a park beside a small cement fountain.

With a view of Lake Geneva.

Is that the lake I fell in once? asks Terence.

Yes, says Belle. 

Can I go near it? asks Terence.

No, says Belle. Stay here with us. 

Can I look at the fountain? asks Terence.

Okay, says Belle.

Terence goes across to the small cement fountain.

There's a cement swan in the middle of the fountain, with water spouting out of its beak.

That's a good trick, says Terence. How do you do it?

But the swan cannot answer, for obvious reasons.

What's to eat? asks Vello.

Try some of this Morbier cheese, says Belle.

She cut him a thick wedge of soft cheese with a line of ash in the middle.

I can taste the ash in this, says Vello.

I won't have any, says David.

Sweezus and Arthur are well into the bottle of Chignin Bergeron Rousanne that Belle has opened.

Good wine, isn't it, says Belle. But do eat some food.

Yeah sure, says Sweezus. What's that thing?

It's a farcement, says Belle. 

Looks like a bacon cake, says Sweezus. 

The bacon strips are only on the outside, says Belle. The filling is made with grated potato, bacon, prunes and raisins. 

Not prunes again! says Sweezus.

You'll love it, says Belle. It's a traditional Sunday lunch, cooked for four hours in a bain marie while the family was at church.

Four hours! says Sweezus. Who goes to church for four hours?

Maybe church was a long way from where they lived, says David.

More wine? asks Belle, opening another bottle.

They eat the farcement, which is very tasty, enhanced by the prunes, and drink the wine which has an aromatic complexity.

Terence runs back to the picnic party.

There's a swan in the fountain, says Terence. 

We can see it, says Gaius. 

Would you like a red drink? asks Belle.

Yes, says Terence. And so would the swan.

No one hears the part concerning the swan.

Terence has not said it loudly.

Belle gives Terence a Ribena and  takes something sweet from the picnic hamper.

What's that? asks Arthur.

A galette comtoise, says Belle. Smell the orange blossom?

Arthur sniffs. 

He has had so much Rousanne that he can't really smell the orange blossom.

But he always likes a choux pastry.

They all do. Even Gaius.

They relax in the sun.

They do not notice that the water spouting out of the swan's beak has turned pink.

Stage 15: Champagnole to Plateau de Solaison - Woo!

Another mountain stage, even harder.

The teams roll out of Champagnole.

The spectcular scenery rolls back behind them.

I suppose Tadej Pogacar will win again, says David.

You never know, says Vello. I heard he was woken very early.

Dear me, says David. That seems unkind.

Jonas Vingegaard is passing. 

What about me? says Jonas Vingegaard.

What about you? asks David.

I was woken even earlier, for the same thing, says Jonas. 

Outrageous, says Vello. You'll have missed your deep sleep.

I have missed it, says Jonas. But at least it's a rest day tomorrow.

Drug tests in the middle of the night! says Vello. I'd tell them where to go!

They wouldn't dare drug test you, says David.

You mean they wouldn't bother, says Vello.

You're probably right, says David. 

Sweezus drops back alongside them.

Hey guys, says Sweezus. 

That was bad luck yesterday, says Vello. Gaius getting a puncture.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Terence pumped it up for him.

Let's hope none of us gets a puncture today, says Vello. 

Can only hope, says Sweezus. Hey, have you seen the parrot?

I haven't, says David.

Nor have I, says Vello. Is it missing?

Nah. It's supposed to be spying, says Sweezus.

On whom? asks Vello.

Basically anyone, says Sweezus. 

A strange task, says David.

It IS a strange task.

But Prong has her curly moustache on, and wants to do it.

She flies over a roundabout, in time to see Jonas Vingegaard crashing, as he exits a bend.

She stops to watch him being treated by the team doctor. 

She sees him get into the team car, his arm in a sling.

She flies to the feeding station, to tell Terence.

Woo! says Terence.

That's a bit tragic, says Belle.

Go and do some more spying, says Terence.

Okay, says Prong.

She flies to the Plateau de Solaison, to watch Tadej win.

But Tadej doesn't.

Nor does his young teamate, Isaac del Toro.

They are both pipped by Remco Evenepoel, in a thrilling finish.

Prong flies back to tell Terence.

Woo! says Terence.

Stage 14: Mulhouse to Le Markstein Fellering - Snail One

A mountain stage. There are three Cat 1 climbs.

It's raining, at the start.

I don't look forward to this, says Vello.

Nor do I, says David. Let's just focus on the finish.

What do we do in the meantime? asks Vello.

Think about something pleasant, says David. Such as food.

I hope Belle has provided something more cohesive than that morbiflette yesterday, says Vello.

She says she has, says David.

The intermediate sprint is being won up ahead, by Jasper Philipsen.

Gaius drops back to tell them.

Jasper Philipsen won the intermediate sprint, says Gaius.  

Was Surfing-with-Whales anywhere near him? asks Vello.

Near enough to feel miffed, says Gaius. 

Hope he won't blame us, says David.

He asked me to tell you, says Gaius. 

That's bad news, says Vello.

Yes, says David. He asked Gaius to tell us. And Gaius has dropped back to do it. Gaius, who is not in our team. Is this some kind of race tactic?

No, says Gaius. I need to pump up my back tyre.

Sure enough, Gaius's back wheel is floppy.

I'm sure Belle will help you, says Vello. And while she's pumping, ask her what's in our musettes.

I already know, says Gaius. Spaetzle and schnackala.

What are those! splutters David. 

Not what you think, says Gaius. Alsatian pasta, and small milk buns shaped like snails.

Hum, says Vello.

I might pass on the pasta and just eat the snails, says David.

Suit yourself, says Gaius. 

He stops to wait for assistance.

Belle arrives with Terence, and a pump.

Terence will pump up your tyre, says Belle.

Thank you Terence, says Gaius. Please do it as fast as you can.

Okay, says Terence. 

He starts pumping.

Want a schnackala? asks Belle.

Gaius accepts a schnackala. He is surprised that his schnackala looks like a little human, not a snail.

They don't all look like snails, says Belle. I didn't think you'd want a snail one.

Very thoughtful, says Gaius.

Terence has finished pumping up the tyre.

Gaius goes on his way.

Up the Col de Page and down again. Up the Ballon d'Alsace.

Well behind Valentin Paret-Peintre, who has won three KOMs.

But why focus on Gaius? 

What's happening at the finish?

Well... there is the Col du Haag.

There is Tadej Pogacar.

Riding solo, to the top.

Stage 13: Dole to Belfort - Cool One

This stage will be hilly, but not till the end.

Every team has high hopes today.

A breakaway of huge numbers forms early.

Fifty seven riders, they say.

Vello and David have stayed in the main peloton.

They can't see Surfing-with-Whales.

Did he join the breakaway? asks David.

I have no idea, says Vello. I was dreaming of that orange coloured nougatine we had yesterday.

It was delicious, agrees David. I wonder what Belle has packed for us today?

It seems they don't know, so let us find out directly.

What's in these? asks Terence.

Morbiflette, says Belle. I hope it holds together.

Want me to squeeze it? asks Terence.

Oh goodness no! says Belle. It would go everywhere.

Okay, says Terence.

So now we know it is morbiflette. 

And we know it might not hold together.

But not what it is.

Okay. Let's see if Surfing-with-Whales is out the front in the breakaway.

There he is now.

He is riding alongside Tom Pidcock.

Poetry! laughs Tom Pidcock.

Takes your mind off the pain, says Surfing-with-Whales.

What pain? asks Tom Pidcock.

If and when, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Maybe on the Ballon d'Alsace, says Tom Pidcock. The Cat 1 near the end.

Is there a Cat 1 near the end? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Yep! says Tom Pidcock. You're a cool one, not knowing.

Um, yeah, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Tom Pidcock speeds up.

 Surfing-with-Whales starts to think up another poem.

There was a young rider from Wales......

Ha ha! Seems he only does limericks.

Back in the peloton, Sweezus, Arthur and Gaius pick up their musettes.

Careful! shouts Belle.

Don't squeeze it! shouts Terence.

WTF! says Sweezus. What is it?

He reaches in.

And brings out a fistful of cheesy potato with bacon.

Arthur reaches into his, with more care.

His morbiflette holds together.

And tastes delicious. 

It helps if you live a charmed life.

Here, says Gaius, offering Sweezus a hankie.

Thanks bro, says Sweezus, wiping his hand on the hankie.

Want it back? 

Keep it, says Gaius. 

Let us fast forward now to the Cat 1 climb, the Ballon d'Alsace.

Mauro Schmid and Tom Pidcock are battling it together.

Tom Pidcock reaches the top first.

Mauro Schmid attacks on the descent. 

So does Harold Tejada.

Mauro Schmid crosses the finish line first, narrowly beating Harold Tejada and Tom Pidcock.

Surfing-with-Whales is ... quite a long way behind.

Stage 12: Circuit Nevers to Chalon-sur-Saone - Ingredients

Another flat stage. Last chance for the sprinters.

The teams ride out. Will there be a breakaway?

Yes. Baptiste Veistroffer.

All by himself.

There are atttacks from the peloton.

Which don't matter.

The countryside looks flat and yellow with the road running through it.

Oh hey. 

Where is Baby Pierre, to sing a song when you need him?

Terence is bored. 

Prong is bored too.

Why don't you do some more spying? asks Terence.

I might later, says Prong.

Want to hear my poem? asks Terence.

I heard it, says Prong. I was up in the tree.

Belle said it was good, says Terence.

I sensed you were jealous, says Prong.

What of? asks Terence.

That hairy bear, says Prong. 

No I wasn't, says Terence.

Come on, says Belle. We've got musettes to give out.

Vello and David ride up.

What have we got? asks David. 

Candouillettes and pompe aux grattons! shouts Belle.

Delightful, shouts Vello.

Sweezus and Arthur swing by and grab theirs.

What did she say was in them? asks Sweezus.

Candouillettes and pompe aux grattons, says Arthur. 

Sweezus peers inside his musette.

Looks like sausages and buns, says Sweezus.

That's all you need to know, says Arthur.

He knows what the ingredients are.

Calf's caul, and pork rinds.

So what else is happening?

Baptiste Veistroffer remains out the front, for a while.

Mads Pedersen wins the intermediate sprint.

More flat riding.

Small towns, chateaux, fields.

At last the finish. Who is coming? Who's at the front of the bunch?

Not Tim Merlier. 

But then.

Tim Merlier zooms out from nowhere and wins.

Stage 11: Vichy to Nevers - Pear Thing

This stage will be flat.

The teams roll out of Vichy.

It rained earlier, and the road is still wet.

Terence kicks at a puddle.

Don't do that, says Belle.

Prong flies down from a street tree and lands on Terence's shoulder.

Prong! says Terence. Where were you?

Spying, says Prong.

Is that why you're wearing your curly whiskers? asks Terence.

Yes it is, says Prong.

Do you know they've stopped being curly? asks Terence.

They must have got wet, says Prong.

Take them off, says Belle. I'll dry them flat in their old shape.

Thank you, says Prong.

Did you spy anything good? asks Terence.

Yes, says Prong. 

Come on, says Belle, we have to move up to the feeding station.

I'll meet you there, says Prong.

She flies off.

Aw, says Terence. She was going to tell me what she spied.

She can tell you later, says Belle. Help me load these musettes.

These green things are stinky, says Terence. What are they?

Stuffed cabbage, says Belle. They're warm, so keep them away from the fruit paste, and don't bend the pear stalks in the piquenchagne.

Woo! says Terence. This lunch is fancy!

Team Condor arrives at the feeding station.

Gaius grabs a musette.

He is elated to discover the stuffed cabbage.

Sweezus and Arthur less so.

Soren Waerenskjold is just passing when he smells the stuffed cabbage and sniffs loudly.

Want some? asks Sweezus.

No way! says Soren Waerenskjold.

He speeds away fast.

This pear thing looks good, says Arthur. But how do you eat it?

He is holding the piquenchagne up in the air.

Oops. A pear thing drops out.

Have half of mine, says Sweezus.

The flat stage continues. 

And continues.

Prong has flown to the finish in Nevers.

She wants to see if her spying has been successful.

And the answer is no.

Here comes Soren Waerenskjold, ahead of Olav Kooij and Jasper Philipsen.

Zooooom!

Soren Waerenskjold wins the stage.

The fastest stage in the Tour's history.

Earlier, Prong had spied Soren Waerenskjold getting his right hand treated by a team doctor.

He won't win, she had thought, at the time.

She's glad that she didn't tell Terence.

Stage 10: Aurillac to Le Lioran - Heyday

A mountain stage.

In fact, seven mountains.

And it's still very hot.

Can we get out of this somehow? asks David.

Only by giving up altogether, says Vello.

And we don't want to do that, says David.

Especially not on Bastille Day, says Vello.

What's Bastille Day? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Vive la revolution! shouts Vello. 

Uh, says Surfing-with-Whales. Oh yeah, the French Revolution. 

The French riders will try extra hard today, says David.

Julian Alaphilippe hears him.

We French riders try extra hard every day, says Julian Alaphilippe.

Of course we do, says Vello. 

Julian Alaphilippe thinks: I was not counting you.

He speeds away, diplomatically.

Of course, says Vello, he is well past his heyday.

You can talk, says David.

You had a heyday? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

I'm still in it, says Vello. But of course, when I was a young man, the Tour de France was not yet invented.

Ditto, says David.

You are not French, says Vello.

What's that got to do with anything? asks David.

Surfing-with-Whales leaves them to debate this and shoots off up the Col de Prat.

Yeah, the Col de Prat. He laughs inwardly. Funny.

Pablo comes up behind him.

Hola! says Pablo. Trying to beat all the Frenchies?

Yeah, says Surfing-with-Whales. 

Guess what? says Pablo.

What? asks Surfing-with-Whales. 

My poem's coming true, says Pablo.

Yeah how? asks Surfing with-Whales.

Someone threw me a walnut, says Pablo.

In the shell? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

No, a shelled one, says Pablo, and I caught it in my mouth as I rode by.

Was she wearing a yellow dress? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

I couldn't say, says Pablo. The thrower was wearing a chicken suit.

Woah, says Surfing-with-Whales. That's even more super freaky.

I agree, says Pablo.

This conversation has slowed them.

It matters little, as neither Pablo nor Surfing-with-Whales is French.

However, up ahead, 1 km from the summit of the Col de Pertus, Tadej Pogacar is attacking.

He opens up a gap of 20 seconds.

He keeps pushing up the Col de Font de Cère.

The gap is 32 seconds.

He takes his 24th stage win.

And he too is not French.

Rest Day In Cantal - Fraternité

Aurillac, Parc de la Fraternité

Belle has organised a picnic, in spite of the heat.

It will be fine, under a tree.

She has invited Pablo, for old times' sake.

Vello and David sit on the grass in the shade drinking a cooling rosé.

Try one of these gougères with herbs, says Belle.

David bites into the crispy puff pastry.

Very nice, says David.

Surfing-with-Whales arrives, with Pablo.

They eye the gougères.

Help yourselves, says Belle.

Where's Team Condor? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Coming, says Belle. Ah, here they are now!

Sorry we're late, says Gaius. 

Are we late? asks Terence. 

Not at all, says Belle. Would you like a red drink? Or a slice of watermelon?

Watermelon, says Terence.

I'd like a slice of watermelon, says Arthur.

Me too, says Sweezus.

Okay, says Belle. But I've got these gougères if you're interested.

They are interested.

In no time the gougères are gone.

This rosé is excellent, says Vello. It's a Cotes d'Auvergne Corent.

And there's a pounti, says Belle. 

Yeah, what's a pounti? asks Sweezus.

Try it and see, says Belle.

She hands him a colourful slice of pounti.

WTF! says Sweezus. Who puts veggies and prunes in a cake?

He chews a bit longer.

It's not bad though.

So, says Belle. How is everyone feeling after one week of racing?

I am feeling very good, says Pablo. I admire Arthur's idea of a poetry competition.

Have you entered? asks Belle.

I bet he has, says Vello.

I have, says Pablo. 

Sweezus swallows a large lump of prune.

Do not worry, says Pablo. I have skirted around the subject of your sister.

He doesn't have a sister, says Terence.

We know, says David. She's a literary invention.

She's a baby bear, says Terence. All hairy.

This is first I've heard of the sister being a a hairy bear, says Pablo. I have imagined her as a beauty.

I'd love to hear your poem, says Belle.

First let's open another bottle, says Vello. And is there a cake without prunes?

Yes, says Belle. There's a Tarte à la Tomme. Made with cheese and vanilla and crème fraiche.

Perfect, says Vello. It's much too hot for prunes.

How can it be to hot for prunes? asks David. Is there a reason?

Prunes with vegetables, says Vello. One needs a cool head before tasting such a strange combination.

Meaning you have a cool head, says Arthur, looking at Sweezus.

Sweezus appreciates that Arthur thinks he has a cool head.

And Vello must think so as well. Yeah. That's kind of awesome. 

He should stop thinking about his hairy non-existent sister.

Pablo begins speaking his poem.

The yellow dress, the chicken, the black eyes, the walnut.....

Oh, says Belle. That poem's a winner!

Wait till you hear mine, says Surfing-with-Whales.

And mine, says Terence.

How does yours go? asks Belle.

Hairy bear hairy bear who came from where, you should go back there, says Terence.

What good rhymes, Terence, says Belle.

Yay! And he just made it up right that minute.

This is such a good day.

Stage 9: Malemort to Ussel - Walnut

A very hot day. The course has been shortened.

But it's still going to be hilly.

Pablo is determined to get into a breakaway.

He joins the attackers.

But there are too many attackers.

He drops back and thinks about his poem.

Sweezus rides up behind him.

Hey bro, says Sweezus.

Hola, says Pablo. 

Giving up already? asks Sweezus.

Not at all, says Pablo. By the way, are you part of this poetry competition?

Fuck no, says Sweezus. It was Arthur's idea. I don't have a sister.

That is fair enough, says Pablo. But do you mind if I enter?

Yeah...nah, says Sweezus, speeding off leaving Pablo to ponder.

Up the Suc au May, a category 2 climb. And down again. 

A woman in yellow dress waves. Her dress flutters.

Pablo is inspired.

There in a yellow dress/ Standing next to chicken/  Are you sending me glances?/ Throw me a walnut/ I'll catch it/ I'll break it in two with my teeth/ I don't care if they crack/ If you're glancing at me/ With those black eyes, with their fiery centres/ Just don't throw that walnut at the next guy/ Unless you're his sister.

Pablo is happy with that.

The sister is in it. But not whose sister. So, Sweezus won't freak.

He speeds up to draw level with Surfing-with-Whales and run the poem by him.

Thus the two of them finish way behind the leaders.

The leaders are locked in an intense fight to the finish in Ussel

Yes! Matthieu van der Poel gets the better of Tobias Johannessen and Tom Pidcock. 

Not a yellow dress, or a chicken, or a walnut in sight.

Stage 8: Périgueux to Bergerac - A limerick!

Another flat stage. 

And again it is hot.

At once, Liam Slock breaks away, thinking, best get this done.

Surfing-with-Whales thinks of following Slock, but does not.

He stays with the peloton.

He finds himself level with Pablo.

I hear Team Condor is having a poetry competition, says Pablo.

Yeah, I know, says Surfing-with-Whales. I guess it takes their mind off the heat.

My team is not into poetry, says Pablo.

Mine either, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Just into winning, says Pablo.

Mine's not even that much into winning, says Surfing-with-Whales.

They do very well for guys their age, says Pablo.

I guess so, says Surfing-with-Whales. Hey, you're a poet.

I like to think so, says Pablo.

Maybe you and me could have a poetry competition, says Surfing-with-Whales.

I would win, says Pablo.

What if I pick the topic? says Surfing-with-Whales.

Okay, says Pablo. Pick it.

Sweezus's sister, says Surfing-with-Whales.

That is a strange topic, says Pablo.

Take it or leave it, says Surfing-with-Whales.

I'll take it, says Pablo. But right now the intermediate sprint is upon us.

Shit yeah, so it is.

They speed up, but too late. Jasper Philipsen wins it.

Surfing-with-Whales looks for the feeding station. He want food and he needs ice as well.

There it is!

Terence hands him a bag of ice to slip down the back of his jersey.

Belle hands him a musette filled with rich paté de Périgueux.

That's better.

He speeds up, refreshed, and returns to his poem.

He has one advantage over Pablo Neruda.

He has worked on it since yesterday. 

There was a young lady from France/ who decided to learn how to dance/ she developed a blister/ when somebody kissed her/ it was Sweezus's sister from France.

He is not sure about France. But what rhymes with Adelaide? Or anywhere else for that matter?

And anyway, where is he? He's fallen behind now.

More importantly, where is Liam Slock?

Still out the front with 1.5 km to go. What a legend. How has he done it?

But the peloton is looming behind him.

And all the best sprinters are in it.

Including Tim Merlier, who won the stage yesterday. 

And wins it today. Well done him.

Stage 7: Hagetmau to Bordeaux - Advantage

A hot flat stage.

The sprinters are happy because one of them will win it.

The others are happy to not have to climb.

A long line of riders pedals towards the first sprint in Landiras.

Team Philosophe is among them.

You may sprint if you wish, says Vello.

Might not bother, says Surfing-with-Whales.

He'll be saving himself for the finish, says David.

Too right, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Make sure you're at the front before the road narrows, says Vello.

That's my plan, says Surfing-with-Whales.

He moves off up the line.

We did the right thing having him on the team, says David.

Yes, we can take it easier, says Vello.

Gaius rides up beside them.

Hello men, says Gaius. Where's your new rider?

 Up ahead where he should be, says Vello.

How's your team doing? asks David.

We're having a flash poetry competition, says Gaius. Started yesterday.

Hardly flash then, says David.

Arthur came up with one straight away, says Gaius. But I'm stuck for a rhyme. And Sweezus is having trouble with the topic.

What's the topic? asks Vello.

Sweezus's sister, says Gaius.

No wonder! says Vello. He doesn't have a sister.

It's only a poem, says Gaius. That shouldn't stop him.

What's your rhyming problem? asks David.

Sister and blister, says Gaius. But I really must go.

Don't let us stop you, says Vello.

Gaius speeds off to take part, he hopes, in the intermediate sprint at Landiras.

But he gets there too late. 

Baptiste Veistroffer has won it.

Vello and David, having passed the feeding station, have found asparagus in their musettes.

Asparagus! says Vello. A speciality of the region.

David bites into a stalk. Gruu-unch! 

Sand! says David.

They grow it in sand, says Vello. You get used to it.

David doesn't think he'll get used to it.

The road narrows.

Has Surfing with-Whales managed to make his way to the front?

No he hasn't.

He has slowed down to spit, and shake sand from his aparagus.

Thus giving Tim Merlier, Soren Waerenskjeld and Binian Girmay an advantage.

Stage 6: Pau to Gavarnie-Gèdre - Blister

A mountain stage.

A sprint in Pouzac, a climb up Col d'Aspin and finally, up the Col du Tourmalet.

Col du Tourmalet! says Sweezus. That's that hard one.

Yes, says Arthur. We need to think of a strategy.

Isn't it a bit late to think of a strategy? asks Gaius.

No, says Arthur. How about this? A flash poetry competition.

Yeah, okay, says Sweezus. What's the topic?

Your sister, says Arthur.

Yes, the famous sister, says Gaius. That should take our minds off the agonies of climbing.

Start thinking now, says Arthur. 

Sweezus is not sure that he likes this topic.

A Sylvanian bear could not be his sister.

Nor is the Barcelona Virgin his mother.

Ben O'Connor rides by.

Sweezus hopes he has not heard the thing about the sister.

The sprint has been sprinted, in Pouzac. Mads Pedersen has won it.

Ben O'Connor is about to set off on a breakaway.

Hoping someone will join him.

No one does.

He rides up the Col d'Aspin, and is reeled in by the peloton before the summit.

If he did know about the sister, he's forgotten her now.

But Team Condor hasn't.

Fortified by coucougettes du Verts Galants, slipped into their musettes by Belle, they start the ascent of the Col du Tourmalet.

Gaius is working on his poem.

What rhymes with sister? Blister. 

Gaius wonders if Sweezus will use it. Chances are that he won't.

Arthur definitely won't. His poem's going well already.

Glass eyes send shards of blue light through the glaze of the mother's/ straight to you, hirsute sister.

That's good, if somewhat circular.

Gaius is still working on his blister.

Sweezus hasn't started.

But anyway, something else is now happening.

Tadej Pogacar has sped up and zoomed up the Col du Tourmalet solo. Then zoomed down again and on to the finish in Gèdre.

He now has two minutes 38 seconds on Jonas Vingegaard.

And is back in yellow.

Stage 5: Lannemezan to Pau - Fancy Chances

A flat stage. A chance for the sprinters.

How are you at sprinting? asks Vello?

All right, says Surfing-with-Whales.

Then you have my permission to go for a victory, says Vello.

Cool, says Surfing-with-Whales.

But other team leaders have said the same thing to their sprinters too.

Surfing-with-Whales speeds up and makes his way to the front of the peloton.

I didn't mean him to take off immediately, says Vello.

You should have said, says David. Want me to chase him?

We'll both chase him, says Vello.

They make their way to the front of the peloton in time to see Baptiste Veistroffer breaking away.

Should I join him? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

No don't, says Vello. Stay here at the front of the peloton, until I say otherwise.

Mads Pedersen is surprised to see Vello and David at the front of the peloton.

Hello guys, says Mads Pedersen. Fancy your chances today?

We always fancy our chances, says David.

Depending on how you interpret the words, says Vello.

Which words? asks Mads Pedersen. Fancy or chances?

Vello is about to explain when Mads thinks the better of waiting for an answer.

He speeds up without waiting.

But Pablo has been listening, from a position close behind.

Fancy? says Pablo. Am I right?

You! says Vello. I bet you're wishing you'd joined us instead of Team Movistar.

It is early days, says Pablo. Team Movistar has some very good riders.

As good as Nairo Quintana? asks Vello.

Certainly, says Pablo. We have Cian Uijtdebroeks and Raul Garcia.

And your reliable self, says David.

Pablo realises he is losing his position at the front of the peloton, by chatting this way. 

He suspects Team Philosophe are doing it deliberately.

I'm off ! says Pablo. 

So soon? says Vello.

I wish to continue to fancy my chances, says Pablo.

Funny chap, says David. By the way, where is Surfing-with-Whales?

Surfing-with-Whales has sped off as well.

Vello and David are soon at the back of the peloton.

They pass the feeding station, and grab their musettes from Belle.

Tarbais beans! shouts Belle. And spit-roasted cake!

That's some consolation, says Vello.

What is? asks David.

The spit-roasted cake, says Vello.

I'm sure the beans will help us on our way, says David.

They munch the beans, knowing that David is right.

And what is happening at the front now?

Baptiste Veistroffer has been reeled in at last.

Surfing-with-Whales has run out of puff, as has Pablo.

Here come some sprinters who not all of us have heard of.

Olav Kooij, of Team Decathlon, Max Kanter of XDS Astana, and Tim Merlier of Soudal Quickstep.

Placing first, second and third in that order.

Good on them. They must have fancied their chances.

Stage 4: Carcassonne to Foix - Not Helping

The teams ride out from Carcassonne.

Today is another hot one.

But so what, if you have ice packs and pimientos to keep you going.

Pimientos? 

Yes the word has gone round.

Many teams will have hot pimientos in their musettes today.

Sweezus does not like pimientos, however.

I hope she remembers, says Sweezus, as he cycles up the Col de Bados.

Remembers what? asks Arthur.

I don't like pimientos, says Sweeezus. They give me the trots.

She'll remember, says Arthur.

I hear we're having brandade de morue, says Gaius.

What's that? asks Sweezus.

Whipped salt cod with potatoes, says Gaius,

How do you know? asks Arthur.

Terence mentioned it, says Gaius. 

Sweezus looks glum.

What's up? asks Arthur.

Terence told me something Prong told him, says Sweezus. Dunno if I should believe it.

Prong is honest, says Gaius. What did she say?

Virgin's got a new baby, says Sweezus. Don't laugh. it's not funny.

Why isn't it funny? asks Arthur.

It's a Sylvanian bear , says Sweezus.

So it isn't a baby, says Gaius. 

It's wearing a bonnet, says Sweezus.

A girl bonnet or a boy bonnet ? asks Arthur.

Boys don't wear bonnets, says Sweezus.

So it's a girl, says Arthur. You've got a sister.

You're not helping, says Sweezus.

No, you're not, says Gaius. Let's focus on trying to catch up with the breakaway.

Yes, that's what they should do.

The breakaway is way ahead already. Thirty four riders

They will be the ones who got the super hot pimientos.

Team Philosophe has been given brandade de morue.

What's this! splutters Vello.

Fishy mush, says Surfing-with-Whales. 

I imagine it's chock-full of protein, says David. 

He sucks his portion down,

Off he goes, as if to prove something.

He'll never catch up with the breakaway, says Vello.

And he doesn't. Fishy mush can't compare with hot pepper.

Fast forward to the last climb, Montségur.

Alex Baudin is King of the Mountain.

And then. The sprint to the finish in Foix.

Woah! Look at that! Mads Pedersen is powering to the finish line with his team mate Quinn Simmons behind him. And third? Raul Garcia. 

Tadej Pogacar loses the yellow jersey, to Torstein Traeen.

Torstein is understandably happy.

Stage 3: Granollers to Les Angles - Forever

Today the Tour will leave Spain and ride into France.

Another hot one.

Terence is waiting with Belle at the start.

No Prong yet? asks Belle.

No, says Terence. She must have got whacked by Saint Joseph.

He wouldn't be able to whack her, says Belle. She could just fly away.

And Belle is right. This is exactly what happened.

Prong has escaped being whacked by Saint Joseph, flown away, and is flying towards Granollers.

She lands on Terence's shoulder, just as the teams are about to get going.

Yay! says Terence. You got away!

Sweezus hears him, and wonders why Terence has said that.

But Gaius has seen.

His parrot has returned, says Gaius.

Hope it brings us good luck, says Sweezus. 

I'm sure it will, says Gaius.

At the Col de Saint Feleu, Sweezus finds himself level with Surfing-with-Whales, and Pablo.

Hey guys, says Sweezus.

Hey bro! says Surfing-with-Whales.

Hola! says Pablo. Sorry about what happened.

Yeah no worries, says Sweezus. 

What happened? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

You know, says Sweezus.

I got a better offer, says Pablo.

Lucky you, says Surfing-with-Whales. I'm with Team Philosophe.

They're okay, says Sweezus. And their jerseys are the coolest.

Yeah, says Surfing-with-Whales. Design's based on a whale spout.

Ha ha! laughs Pablo. Very clever!

How come clever? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Team Philosophe, always spouting their wisdom, says Pablo. Plus, they snared you. 

Hadn't thought of that, says Sweezus.

You did well yesterday, Whales, says Pablo.

Yeah, the pimientos helped, says Surfing-with-Whales. I got a super hot one.

Jonas Vingegaard passes them, overhearing this titbit.

Hmm, thinks Jonas, super hot pimientos. I will order some for Team Visma tomorrow.

Belle and Terence are now at the feeding station, having got a lift there.

They are handing out musettes for Team Philosophe and Team Condor.

Guess what? shouts Terence.

But Sweezus has grabbed his musette and kept going.

What were you going to tell him? asks Prong.

What you told me about the Virgin, says Terence.

Maybe you shouldn't, says Prong. She's his mother too.

I'm TELLING! says Terence.

Meanwhile Sweezus is looking in his musette for hot pimientos.

But there are none.

Only calcots, mel i mato, and more of those long thin fuets.

He keeps going.

Arthur joins him. 

They both keep going.

Gaius joins them too. 

Those grilled onions were strong, says Gaius.

But, against expectations, they don't make Team Condor go any faster.

And up ahead at Les Angles. Who is winning?

Wouldn't you know, it's Tadej Pogacar, surpassing Jonas Vingegaard and Richard Carapaz.

Tadej will now be in yellow.

Maybe forever.......

Stage 2: Tarragone to Barcelone - Wildly Hot

The teams roll out of Tarragone.

The weather is warm.

Want me to lead you guys out? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Not yet, says Vello.

We'll save our legs for the end, says David.

What's at the end? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

Three times up Montjuic says David.

Shit a brick! says Surfing-with-Whales.

Nice jerseys! shouts a rider from Movistar in passing.

What's Spanish for thank you? asks David.

Two fingers, says Surfing-with-Whales.

I'm not risking two fingers, says David. There must be a word.

Too late now, says Vello. He's too far ahead. Anyway, it's obvious he speaks English.

Yeah, says Surfing-with-Whales. He said nice jerseys.

Unless he said something in Spanish that sounds like nice jerseys, says David.

It's cool riding with you guys in one way, says Surfing-with-Whales.

How so? asks Vello.

You talk everything through, says Surfing-with-Whales.

But? says Vello.

You're freakin slow, says Surfing-with-Whales.

We'll be faster after the feeding station, says Vello. Belle has promised us a treat.

Sure enough, Belle and Terence are waiting at the feeding station with musettes full of treats.

Bombas, pimientos de padron, and one or two long thin fuets.

Watch out for those pimientos! shouts Belle.

Why'd she say that? asks Surfing-with-Whales.

I heard that one in ten bell peppers are wildly hot, says Vello.

Hope we all get a hot one, says Surfing-with-Whales. Speed us up a bit.

Most unlikely, says David. If only one in ten is wildly hot and there are three of us.

Yes, but how many did we get each? asks Vello. Say Belle gave each of us ten.

David peeks inside his musette.

I have five, says David. That makes fifteen altogether.

So one of us is bound to get a wildly hot one, says Vello.

Surfing-with-Whales is getting tired of all this nattering. 

He scoffs his bombas, and five pimientos and speeds away from his team mates.

He doesn't slow down.

He is still going like the clappers as he climbs for the third time up Montjuic.

He is not far behind Tadej Pogacar and Isaac del Toro.

Is it the wildly hot pimiento?

Or is Surfing-with-Whales rather good?

Stage 1: Team Time Trials Barcelona - Early Days

 At last. The Tour de France has begun.

Team Philosophe is one of the earliest to move off.

Good luck papa, says Belle. 

How am I looking? asks Vello.

Much younger, says Belle. You too, David.

Surfing-with-Whales has not asked how he is looking.

His jersey feels tight. 

Bang! they speed  off together.

Sweezus comes up.

When do you go? asks Belle.

Pretty soon, says Sweezus. 

Guess what? says Terence

What? asks Sweezus. 

My parrot flew up to my palace and didn't come back, says Terence.

It's a big palace, says Sweezus. She's probably admiring the carvings.

Or got lost in a hole, says Terence.

I'm sure she'll turn up, says Belle. Good luck, Sweezie.

Thanks Belle, says Sweezus.

He goes off to join Arthur and Gaius, who are waiting to go.

Team Condor! shouts the announcer.

Bang! Off they go.

Out of the Forum, past the Sagrada Familia, up the cote de Montjuic, to the Stade Olympique.

Prong is perched on the Virgin's shoulder, somewhere high up on the Sagrada Famiglia.

Because she was right. Those carved feet were the feet of the Virgin, Terence's mother.

We get a good view from here, says the Virgin.

The best! answers Prong.

I'm going for Team UAE, says the Virgin. Joseph goes for Team Visma.

What about your baby? asks Prong.

He's too young to care, says the Virgin.

They both look down at the Virgin's new baby.

It looks like a Sylvanian bear, in a bonnet.

Time goes by.

There goes Vingegaard! says the Virgin. He's doing well.

He's your guy? asks Prong.

No, my guy is Pogacar, says the Virgin. His team will start last because of their ranking.

I don't get this, says Prong.

It's only for the Team Trials, says the Virgin. Look, there they go now.

Want me to follow them? asks Prong. And see if they win?

Yes, do that, says Virgin.

Prong flies to the Stade Olympique.

She arrives just in time to see Vingegaard remain in the hot seat, after Team UAE comes in third.

She flies back to the Sagrada Familia.

Your guy's team came third, says Prong.

Bumhole! says the Virgin. 

Oh well, early days.