Twenty Tickets

How many tickets have we sold so far? asks Vello.

Twenty, says Sweezus.

Go out and buy twenty umbrellas and twenty torches, says Vello. And keep the receipts. Use my bankcard

Sure boss, says Sweezus.

Here it is, says Vello.

Sweezus goes out.

Where will he find twenty umbrellas and twenty torches?

No idea. He calls Arthur.

What is it? says Arthur.

I need twenty umbrellas and twenty torches, says Sweezus.

What for? asks Arthur.

The audience tonight. It's supposed to be raining, says Sweezus.

Try Bunnings, says Arthur. They'll have torches.

What about umbrellas, says Sweezus.

Don't know, says Arthur. Try asking Katherine. Old women know all about umbrellas.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Good thinking. She's probably got plenty.

I'll come to Bunnings with you, says Arthur. I want to buy some seeds.

Seeds, as in SEEDS? says Sweezus.

Ones that'll grow into flowers, says Arthur. In a packet with a colourful picture.

You have to take them out of the packet, bro, says Sweezus.

I know that, says Arthur. Meet you at Bunnings.

Later, at Bunnings.

Sweezus has collected twenty torches in a basket, and brought them to the checkout.

Arthur has added twenty packets of seeds.

Having a gardening-by-torchlight party? asks the checkout person.

Nah, says Sweezus. We're doing a Fringe Show tonight and it might be raining.

Outdoor venue? asks the checkout person. 

Yeah, says Sweezus.

What's the show? asks the checkout person.

Candide, an excerpt, says Sweezus. 

Thought I recognised you! says the checkout person. You play Candide.

Not this year, says Sweezus. 

The checkout person looks at Arthur.

Not me, says Arthur. I'm the sailor.

Costa! says the checkout person. you played Costa, the gardener.

Yes I did, once, says Arthur.

So that's why you want all these seeds, says the checkout person.

Just in case people ask, says Arthur. 

Get a move on! says the next person in the queue. Some of us don't have all day.

The checkout person points to the sign that says aggression won't be tolerated in Bunnings.

These guys are in a Fringe show! says the checkout person.

No kidding, says the next person in the queue. What show is it?

Candide, says Sweezus. Everyone gets a free torch.

And a free umbrella, says Arthur.

And free seeds, says the checkout person.

Free stuff at a Fringe show!

Word is passed down the queue.

Underlit By Torchlight

Sweezus decides he should run through his AI idea with the boss.

What is it? asks Vello.

Ageless'll be doing the shipwreck scene, says Sweezus.

I know, says Vello.

But only the falling overboard part, says Sweezus.

Has he been practising? asks Vello. 

Yeah he has, says Sweezus. And Belle's making him padded trousers.

Excellent, says Vello. Does that mean Denis will also need padded trousers?

No I don't think so, says Sweezus. Belle's making them out of the red knitted sheep shorts, and the Old Lady's buttock padding.

Ingenious of her, says Vello. So why are you here?

I was thinking I could make Ageless look more like Denis using AI, says Sweezus.

That would certainly help, says Vello. How would you do it?

Just alter his face, says Sweezus. 

Yes that should do, says Vello. You have my permission.

Cool, says Sweezus. I'll start work on it now.

He goes back to his desk and computer. 

He calls up a picture of Denis's face.

And a picture of the face of a lobster.

And begins to combine them. 

It's not even that hard.

Meanwhile Vello is looking at the weather forecast for the weekend.

Heavy rain is predicted, and possible flooding. Thunderstorms too.

And they're performing Candide in the Piglet.

This could be a disaster! groans Vello.

What could? asks David.

The weather! says Vello. We're in an open air venue.

Don't we have insurance? asks David.

Insurance! says Vello. Too expensive!

Then we need to provide umbrellas, says David. 

And what if the power goes off? asks Vello.

Torches, says David.  The show must go on.

Vello is comforted, to some extent. 

Torches. 

A cheap solution. And they can be returned, if they're not needed.

Ditto the umbrellas.

Of course Sweezus's AI face won't work without power. 

But, underlit by torchlight, doesn't everyone look liker a lobster?  

Sophisticated Enough

I'll wear padded trousers, says Ageless.

That's all very well, says Gaius, but I don't have anything that will fit you.

Call Belle, says Henriette. She might have something.

Of course! says Gaius.

He calls Belle.

Hello Gaius, says Belle. How is Denis?

Recovering, says Gaius, but he's reluctant to fall off the table.

I see, says Belle. So it'll have to be Ageless.

Only in the shipwreck scene, says Gaius. Denis will perform the rest of the excerpt.

Crikey! says Belle. How will the audience take it? 

I see what you mean, says Gaius. Suddenly Candide turns into a lobster, falls overboard and on reaching landfall becomes a young man again.

A tricky one, says Belle.

A naive one, says Gaius.

 I meant the whole situation, says Belle. Not Candide himself.

Oh, right, says Gaius. Well, Ageless has requested padded trousers, to protect his carapace. Do you have such a costume?

Only the Old Lady's buttock padding, says Belle. But she's not in it this year, so I suppose I could use it.

Isn't it a bit large? asks Gaius.

That shouldn't matter, says Belle. Ageless is smaller than Denis. The padded trousers will bulk him up nicely.

I'll leave it to you then, says Gaius.

No worries, says Belle.

She looks into the prop box. 

Finds the Old Lady's padding. 

Now, what about the trousers?

She rummages lower.

Yes! The red knitted sheep shorts that Terence wore a few years ago when he played the red sheep.

With a hole in the back for the tail.

Perfect. They just need a wash before she sews in the padding.

Who are they for? asks Sweezus, who is taking a coffee break.

Ageless, says Belle. He's playing Candide in the shipwreck. 

Cool, says Sweezus. But hey.... won't that look kind of funny?

Yes it will look kind of funny, says Belle. We'll just have to hope the audience is sophisticated enough to accept it.

Remember last year when I did all those AI effects? says Sweezus.

Yes, says Belle. They were awesome.

Maybe I could do one for Ageless, says Sweezus. Make him look more like Denis.

You haven't got long, says Belle.

Just the face, says Sweezus. That should be easy.

Okay see how you go, says Belle.

She imagines how Ageless will look with red padded sheep shorts,

Knitted hat, 

Claws,

And Denis's face.

Big Lobster Trousers

Gaius and Denis have gone home.

Denis is sitting in a comfortable chair with his foot up.

He is talking to Ageless.

I may be all right by tomorrow, says Denis. But you need to be ready in case.

Ever ready, that's me, says Ageless. Shall I practise falling off the table?

Yes, says Denis. That's the part I'm most reluctant to do.

Cup of tea, Denis? asks Gaius, looking into the room.

Yes thanks, says Denis. And a couple of pillows.

Pillows? says Gaius. 

Ageless is going to practise falling off the table, says Denis.

Ah, yes, says Gaius. We don't want him cracking his carapace.

I know how to fall without breaking my carapace, says Ageless.

You may think so, says Gaius. But these tiles are quite hard.

He goes into his bedroom and comes back with two pillows.

Ageless is now on the table.

Denis has turned his chair round to watch.

Baby Pierre is also watching, from the window sill.

Gaius arranges the pillows on the floor below Ageless.

Ageless curls up slowly and drops.

Floop.

Well done, says Gaius.

What was supposed to happening? asks Baby Pierre.

A violent storm, during which the deck splits in two, says Gaius. Candide, Pangloss and the sailor are washed overboard.

I didn't get that, says Baby Pierre. It was more like he decided to roll into the water.

My first try, says Ageless. This time, rock the table.

All right says Gaius. Although it's not easy to rock this table. But it does come apart in the middle.

What for? asks Denis.

An extension, says Gaius. In case I have multiple guests.

Ageless has climbed back onto the table.

Ready, says Ageless, expecting the table to start rocking. 

Instead the table opens up underneath him.

He lands on the folded extension, amongst fallen crumbs.

Sorry, says Gaius. I forgot that you couldn't fall right through it.

No harm done, says Ageless.

He moves away from the folded extension. 

Gaius closes the gap in the middle.

Now rock the table, says Baby Pierre. 

Gaius tries, but the effect is unconvincing.

Henriette comes in from the bathroom, with wet hair.

Care to lend a hand? asks Gaius. I'm rocking the table so that Ageless can practise falling off it.

Sure, says Henriette. She starts rocking the table.

Denis watches her fondly.

She may have small hands, but she's strong.

Ageless falls off the table, realistically. 

Better, says Baby Pierre. Now do it without the pillow.

He'll need some kind of padding, says Henriette. 

Big lobster trousers, suggests Baby Pierre.

Ageless jumps at the idea of big lobster trousers.

Extra Funny Part

It looks a bit comical, says Vello.

That's okay, says Belle. The audience will like it.

What's comical? asks Terence.

You leading Gaius away with the grabber, says Belle. You're kind of low down.

What if I had stilts? asks Terence.

No more props, says Vello. We'll go with it.

I thought it was meant to be funny, says Denis.

Not that part, says Vello.

Well now there's an extra funny part, says Denis. Ouch!

What now? asks Vello.

My ankle, says Denis. It hurts.

Not another damn funny part! snaps Vello.

Sit down Denis, says Belle. I'll find you some ice.

Denis sits down again, and starts rubbing his ankle.

Lucky you don't have a fight scene, says Sweezus.

But I have to fall overboard, says Denis. 

Shit yeah, says Sweezus. 

Belle comes back with the ice.

Your ankle looks very swollen, says Belle. 

I'll manage, says Denis. 

Remember you do have an understudy, says Belle. Should we alert him?

Understudy? asks Vello.

Ageless, remember? says Belle. You agreed.

What possessed me? says Vello.

Forethought, says Belle. 

Vello realises she's right. Yes it was certainly forethought to appoint an understudy for Candide. Pity it had to be a lobster. On the plus side, Ageless has his own red knitted hat.

Alert him, says Vello.

We'll do that, says Gaius. Shall we go Denis? Can you make it down the stairs?

If someone aids me, says Denis.

I'll do it, says Sweezus.

He helps Denis down the stairs. Gaius calls a taxi.

Sweezus comes back up the stairs.

Denis is gutted, says Sweezus.

He didn't look gutted to me, says Vello.

He really wants to be in it, says Sweezus. And his name's on the fliers.

Alors! says Vello. So it is.

Maybe his ankle will be better by tomorrow, says Belle. Or...

Or what? asks Vello.

Or Ageless could act as a stuntperson, says Belle. Denis does everything but fall overboard.

A fine solution, but for one thing, says Vello. Ageless is hardly Denis's double.

Yes. This fact does seem insurmountable

Problem What Problem?

Hedley has left with his mother.

We'll rehearse dinner in the ruins without him, says Vello.

What do we sit on? asks Gaius.

I thought you could stand, seeing Lisbon is in ruins, says Vello.

I need to sit, says Denis.

And I, says Gaius. 

Why is this? asks Vello.

The angle, says Gaius. Terence will find it easier to grab me by the wrist if we're sitting.

A good point, says Vello. Where's the mechanical grabber?

Here, says Belle, taking it out of the prop box.

Terence is still in his florin costume.

You'll have to get out of your florin costume, says Belle.

If I keep it on I could hide the grabber inside it, says Terence.

Yes but how would that look? asks Belle. A florin can't be a henchman.

Okay, says Terence. wriggling out of his florin costume. 

Belle hands him the grabber.

This is how it works. says Belle. Squeeze the handle.

Terence squeezes the handle. 

The grabber opens and closes.

It's better than tongs!

Where is he supposed to keep it until he needs it? asks Denis.

Indeed, says Gaius. We identified this problem when rehearsing at home. 

What problem? asks Vello.

I know, says Belle. Terence is pouring a glass of wine for me when I give him the signal. So he's holding a jug. He'll have to put it down quickly and reach for the grabber. So it should be close by.

Vello had not expected this problem.

Curses! says Vello. There was no grabber in my novel.

But the henchman was bigger, says Belle.

Vello needs a quick way of solving the problem. 

Terence, says Vello, you must pour the wine using the grabber. 

Ooh! says Belle. Isn't that risky?

Not if he practises, says Vello. Let us try it.

Let us, says Terence.

Belle fetches a jug and places it on the desk.

Don't worry, Terence, there's nothing in it, says Belle. Now try picking it up with the grabber.

Terence tries.

Easy squeezy.

Now tip it as if you're pouring wine out of it, says Belle. Wait a minute, I'll fetch a glass.

She goes away and comes back with a glass.

Now, says Belle.

Terence tips the jug towards the glass, using the grabber.

When I give you the signal, put the jug down and grab Gaius, says Belle.

She nods at Terence. 

It's the signal!

Terence opens the grabber. 

The jug drops to the floor. 

Lucky nothing was in it.

He grabs Gaius's wrist.

Good work! says Vello. Now you lead him away.

Gaius and Terence stand up.

Hmm.

Does this look a bit comical?

Nautical Effects

Next morning  in the office, a final rehearsal.

Hedley is there with his mother.

He is trying on his costume.

A kilt with a safety pin. A school tie.

Can we rehearse Hedley's scene first? asks Hedley's mother. He has a maths test first lesson.

No, says Vello. We'll run through the whole thing in sequence. The prequel comes first.

Terence is already in his florin costume and yellow socks.

Sweezus wears a plain garment.

And...go! says Vello.

I am a florin, says Terence and this is James the Anty-Baptist.

Stop! says Vello. ANA-Baptist!

Hedley's mother looks at her watch.

All right, says Vello. Let it go. Do your dance, Terence.

Terence does his dance, turning slowly to display the two saintly potatoes.

And he gave me to Candide when he was down and out! sings Terence.

Anabaptist! Expression! says Vello.

Sweezus adopts a philanthropical expression.  

Excellent, says Vello. 

Now is it Hedley's scene? asks Hedley's mother.

No madam, says Vello. Shipwreck scene first.

The two desks are moved together.

Sweezus, Gaius, Denis and Arthur climb on.

Arthur falls overboard and dangles.

Sweezus helps him back on, and falls in himself.

Denis watches as Sweezus rolls away.

Candide! Expression! shouts Vello.

Denis adopts the suppressing-a-fart expression.

Excellent! says Vello. 

Gaius begins to explain that what has happened is all for the best.

Split the deck! shouts Vello.

Sweezus rolls behind the desks and pushes one desk away from the other.

Denis falls off his desk prematurely.

Never mind, says Vello. Now the rest of you!

Arthur and Gaius fall in.

Great! says Vello. 

Yes, that was fantastic! says Belle. Are you okay, Denis?

No, says Denis. I've injured my ankle.

For goodness sake, says Hedley's mother. Not another hold-up!

No, says Vello. Belle will see to Denis's ankle. Arthur and Hedley, ready?

Hello lovely, says Arthur.

Hello sailor, says Hedley.

Do you like poetry? asks Arthur.

No, yes, maybe, says Hedley.

Hedley's mother looks again at her watch.

Arthur drapes his arm over Hedley's shoulder.

It is an ancient mariner, says Arthur, And he stoppeth one of three.....

Vello glances at Hedley's mother to gauge the effect of the Coleridge.

Nice touch! says Hedley's mother.

The Philopher's Angles

What are you waiting for? asks Gaius.

Where do I grab you? asks Terence.

Good point, says Gaius.

Where's the good point? asks Terence.

Ha ha! laughs Baby Pierre.

I mean it's a good point you've raised, says Gaius. What do you think, Denis?

There are two things to consider, says Denis. One is he won't have tongs, but a mechanical grabber. 

Which will probably be longer, says Gaius.

Is that two things? asks Terence.

You can't even count, says Baby Pierre.

I can if there are two things, says Terence. And the tongs and the grabber are two things, but I don't have them at the same time.

Quite right Terence, says Denis. We'll make a philosopher of you yet. Let us agree the tongs/grabber question is one thing.

Yes, let us, says Terence. 

Baby Pierre looks scornful.

So, says Denis, with the mechanical grabber, Terence has more scope. He could grab you, theoretically, anywhere.

True, but not actually helpful, says Gaius.

Until we consider the other thing, says Denis.

Let us, says Terence.

He likes being a philosopher.

Which is? asks Gaius. 

We are supposed to be dining in the ruins, says Denis. Are we sitting or standing? 

I see what you're getting at, says Gaius.

What? asks Terence.

Angles, says Baby Pierre.

I won't be wearing the socks, says Terence. 

Not ankles, says Gaius.

No, angles, says Denis. If the henchman is sitting near Pangloss, he'll have access to most of Pangloss's upper body. If we're all standing, it's another story.

Let's assume we're sitting, says Gaius. Broken chairs would seem plausible.

Or boxes, says Denis. Or columns.

I doubt Belle's props box runs to broken columns, says Gaius.

Let us be sitting on broken chairs, says Terence.

Right, says Gaius. But for now, let us sit on unbroken chairs so we can practise.

Denis drags out two chairs.

Gaius sits on one and Terence sits on the other, holdng the tongs.

Try grabbing me in various places, says Gaius.

Terence grabs Gaius's wrist. 

That looked natural, says Denis.

Wrist it is, says Gaius. Well done, Terence.

Except he's forgotten something, says Baby Pierre. You all have.

What? asks Terence.

You were pouring the wine, when you got the signal, says Baby Pierre. So you have to put the bottle down and go and fetch your grabber, or will the grabber be there in your pocket?

Curses! says Gaius. We hadn't thought about that.

But Terence has now learned to be philosophical.

Let us, says Terence.

No One Has Said

Put me down! says Baby Pierre.

You said you could do anything, says Terence.

Put him down, says Gaius.

Terence opens the tongs.

Baby Pierre drops to the floor.

Voila! says Baby Pierre.

You didn't do it, says Terence. I did.

I made you do it, says Baby Pierre.

How? asks Terence.

I told you to do it, and you didn't do it so Gaius told you to do it, says Baby Pierre.

How is that YOU doing it? asks Terence.

It's rather like the Will that is Determined, says Gaius.

So it is, says Denis. Determined by a higher power. Which in this case was Gaius.

Exactly, says Gaius. Maybe there's something in Pangloss's view after all.

Wasn't Terence meant to seize you with the tongs? asks Baby Pierre.

He was, says Gaius.

And he didn't. So in that case the higher power wasn't you , says Baby Pierre.

You're a idiot, says Terence. I was just doing what I wanted.

Do it properly this time, says Baby Pierre.

Yes, says Gaius. Do it properly. Acting is a discipline.

Okay, says Terence. Are you ready?

He opens the tongs.

Where are we starting? asks Gaius.

Say the willy's determined, says Terence.

The Will IS Determined, says Gaius.

Baby Pierre winks at Terence.

Terence now has to decide whereabouts to grab Gaius.

No one has said.

Free And Determined

You need to pour it more slowly, says Gaius.

He didn't give me a signal, says Terence.

I did, says Baby Pierre.

What was it? asks Terence.

This, says Baby Pierre.

He winks at Terence.

You're meant to nod, says Terence.

How can he nod? asks Denis. He's a pebble.

I can do anything, says Baby Pierre.

You can't nod if you don't have a neck, says Gaius.

Anything I want to, says Baby Pierre.

Okay, wink, says Terence. Now I know the signal.

Shall we do it again? asks Baby Pierre.

When I've mopped up the spilt water, says Gaius.

I'll do it, says Denis. You say your lines.

For the Will that is Determined, says Gaius.

Baby Pierre winks at Terence.

I hadn't started pouring, says Terence.

Start now, says Gaius, and I'll say my lines again.

For the Will that is Determined.

What does that mean? asks Baby Pierre.

Nothing on its own, says Gaius. But it's part of Dr Pangloss's explanation of why he believes in a form of free will that is determined.

By who? asks Baby Pierre.

Shut up, says Terence. Why do you care?

I'm a free thinker, says Baby Pierre.

Just give me the signal, says Terence.

Baby Pierre winks at Terence.

Too late, says Terence. I ran out of water.

Never mind, says Gaius. My glass is half full. It's now that you seize me.

My favourite part! says Terence.

Pity we don't have the mechnical grabber, says Denis.

I may have some tongs in the gadget drawer, says Gaius.

He puts his half full glass down, and looks.

Yes. Here, Terence. Squeeze this end and the tongs close up. Have a practice.

Terence squeezes the end of the tongs.

They open, close, open.

Try grabbing something, says Denis.

Terence knows he means something inanimate.

But he doesn't care. 

He closes the tongs around Baby Pierre.

Dancing In Donuts

Belle has dropped Terence off at Gaius's house and gone back to the office.

Terence is showing Gaius and Denis his socks.

They've got grips on the bottom, says Terence.

Very nice, says Denis.

So I won't slip when I'm dancing, says Terence.

Sensible, says Gaius.

And I have to roll the tops down, says Terence.

Or they'll look like tights, says someone.

Who said it? 

It's Baby Pierre.

They won't look like tights, says Terence. And who asked you anyway?

You should try them on now, says Baby Pierre.

I'm going to, says Terence.

He tries to separate the socks.

But the socks are joined at the top by a thin plastic joiner, with a stopper at each end.

Let me do it, says Gaius.

He snips the socks apart with his scissors.

Terence tries the socks on, and rolls the tops down.

Ha ha! laughs Baby Pierre. You'll look like you're dancing in donuts.

If you fold them, they won't look like donuts, says Denis.

He helps Terence roll up the socks and then fold them so they don't look like donuts.

Terence does his florin dance.

The non-slip grips work really well.

Excellent, says Gaius. You must remember to take off the socks when you're playing the henchman.

Henchman? says Baby Pierre.

I've got two parts, says Terence. 

How can you play a henchman? scoffs Baby Pierre.

Easy, says Terence. No wait. It's HARD. I have to pour wine and watch for a signal, and then stop pouring and pick up my mechanical grabber and seize Gaius.

You won't be able to, says Baby Pierre.

He will, says Gaius. He just needs to practise.

Yes. Watch me, says Terence.

All right, says Gaius. Would you like to practice with a bottle of water?

Yes, says Terence. But who's going to give me the signal? 

I will, says Baby Pierre. When do I give it?

After I say For the Will that is Determined, says Gaius.

Okay, says Baby Pierre.

Denis gives him a glass.

Pour! says Denis.

Terence pours water into Baby Pierre's glass. 

Gaius says: For the Will that is Determined...

Baby Pierre winks at Terence.

His glass overflows.

Maybe that wasn't the signal.

Good Remembering Backwards

You really should practise your dance with the socks on, says Belle.

Where are they? asks Terence.

We need to buy them, says Belle. Want to come with me?

Yes, says Terence.

Good, says Vello. Now we can all get some work done.

See you later, little buddy, says Sweezus.

Belle and Terence head down to Rundle Mall.

Yellow socks, says Belle. Where's the best place to find them?

The yellow sock shop, says Terence.

If only there was a yellow sock shop, says Belle. But I don't think there is.  Let's try David Jones.

They go to David Jones and take the escalator up to the children's wear floor.

I can't see the socks, says Belle. Can you see them?

No, says Terence. You go that way I'll go this way.

No! says Belle. 

But it's too late. Terence has gone this way.

He sprints though the baby clothes. Wait. Stop! Yellow leggings, hanging down from a yellow baby teeshirt, with a train on the front.

Can I help you? asks an assistant.

Have you got a knife? asks Terence.

Certainly not, says the assistant. Where is your mother?

In Barcelona, says Terence.

Your guardian then, says the assistant.

Belle appears, holding three pairs of socks.

Is this child with you? asks the assistant.

Yes, says Belle. We were looking for yellow socks and he went off on his own.

He asked me for a knife, says the assistant.

Did he? says Belle.

I found these leggings, says Terence. If we cut off the top they'd be socks.

They'd fall down straight away, says Belle. 

And unravel, says the assistant.

Yes, and unravel, says Belle. But good work Terence, for spotting the leggings and thinking of a plan.

Not a good plan. He could have asked me for scissors, says the assistant.

Yes, why didn't you? asks Belle.

Because, says Terence. Scissors are wimpy.

Scissors would have been much more effective, says the assistant. 

Yes they would, agrees Belle. Not that it matters. What do you think of these, Terence?

Terence looks at the three pairs of socks.

All bright yellow.

One pair has HAPPY printed near the ankle.

One pair has little black ducks round the top.

A third pair has non-slip grips on the bottom.

Terence likes all of them.

Are they for school or sport? asks the assistant.

A play, says Belle. Terence is playing a florin. 

I have to roll down the tops so the audience sees my legs, says Terence.

So you don't need the duck ones, says the assistant. Will you have shoes on?

No, says Terence. I'll be dancing.

He does a few steps of the dance. 

That's delightful, says the assistant.

Down and out! sings Terence.

Those are some of his lines, says Belle. But he's not meant to sing them.

When he was! sings Terence, remembering what comes before.

To Candide he gave me! sings Terence.

You've got it all backwards, says Belle. But it's good remembering, all the same.

Yes, agrees the assistant. So it's Candide, is it?

It is, says Belle. We're performing it in the Fringe, next week.

I must come, says the assistant.

Yes do, says Belle. You won't be disappointed.

I'll look for the boy in the socks, says the assistant.

Which socks? asks Terence.

The non-slip grip socks, says the assistant.

Yes, it's decided.

Down And Out

What if they don't know it's me, says Terence.

They'll soon guess, says Belle.

How? asks Terence. They might think I'm Hedley.

Hedley is taller, says Belle.

But I'm on first! says Terence.

They'll know when you dance, says Sweezus.

Yes! says Terence. Let's practise the dancing!

Okay, dude, says Sweezus.

Don't you have work to do? says Vello. 

This won't take long, says Sweezus.

He stands next to Terence.

Want to dance before or after? asks Sweezus.

Before or after what? asks Terence,

Before or after you say your lines, says Sweezus.

Terence has forgotten his lines, so he chooses before.

He dances around Sweezus two times and stops.

Could you see the potatoes? asks Terence.

Yes we could see them, says Belle. And your legs are unmistakable.

Why? asks Terence.

No one else has cement legs, says Belle.

What about when I put my yellow socks on? asks Terence.

We'll roll the tops down, says Belle. 

Happy? asks Sweezus. Now say your lines.

Haven't you got work to do? asks Terence.

If you've forgotten them, say so, says Sweezus. 

Give me a clue, says Terence.

I am a florin, says Sweezus.

Wait, says Terence, you're not the florin.

No, you are, says Sweezus. That's what you say. I am a florin and this is James the Anabaptist my generous master. Then you dance round me again, before saying the rest of it.

The rest of it? says Terence.

He gave me to Candide when he was .... hints Sweezus 

Down and out! says Terence, remembering. 

Well done Terence! says Belle.

Yes, well done Terence, for remembering the words down and out.

They must have appealed to him somehow.

In A Dark Voice With Pauses

There are fewer people in the Velosophy office.

Gaius, Denis and Ageless have left.

Arthur is half way through the door

Remember to practise your poem, says Vello.

Don't need to, says Arthur.

You do, says Vello. You need to impress Hedley's mother.

Arthur stops, turns and says in a dark voice, with pauses, It is... an ANCIENT mariner...

Very good, says Vello. She'll like that.

Doesn't sound much like a sailor, says David.

As long as he looks like a sailor, says Vello.

Arthur escapes through the door.

How come we're sucking up to Hedley's mother? asks Sweezus.

It's too late to replace Hedley, says Vello. And the audience loves him.

And they love me, says Terence. 

And you, says Vello. They'll love you as a florin.

Stand still, Terence, says Belle. I want you to try on the florin costume.

Terence stands still.

Belle slips the florin costume over his head.

Two cardboard circles, joined at the shoulders with string.

Can you see through the eyeholes? asks Belle.

No, says Terence.

Too high or too low? asks Belle.

Both, says Terence.

They can't be both, says Belle. 

They're too high, I'm too low, says Terence.

I'll make two more holes, lower down, says Belle.

Not in the potatoes! says Terence.

No, in the fleur de lys, says Belle. Take the costume off. I don't want to be poking your eyes out.

Terence wriggles out of the costume.

Belle makes two more eyeholes.

Terence steps into the costume again.

Can you see now? asks Belle.

Yes! says Terence. What do I look like?

I'll take a photo and show you, says Belle. 

She takes photos of Terence in his florin costume, front and back.

She shows them to Terence.

Terence is not entirely happy.

The audience might love him.

But how will they know that it's him?

Soon Be The Sun

Sweezus sits up from his rolling position.

Good potato, says Sweezus.

Too bad we have to paint over it, says Ageless.

Because we need two potatoes, says Terence.

The same size, says Ageless.

We had a small one and a big one, says Terence.

And I painted over the small one, says Ageless.

And we had to wait till it dried, says Terence.

So now what? asks Sweezus.

Now I draw two potatoes, says Terence.

On top of that one? asks Sweezus.

I'll blur the edges, says Ageless. No one will know it started off as a larger potato.

But it will still be two potatoes inside a thing with blurred edges, says Sweezus.

They have to be inside something, says Ageless.

The sun! says Terence.

Yeah, says Sweezus. The sun's kind of blurry.

Are we agreed then? asks Ageless. 

Yes! says Terence. Shall I start drawing?

The sooner the better, says Ageless. 

Terence draws two potatoes inside the large one that will soon be the sun.

Arthur comes over to see how the potato is going.

Three potatoes? says Arthur.

One's a sun, says Sweezus. Ageless is blurring the edges.

Pity no one's going to see them, says Arthur.

Why? asks Terence.

Because they're on the back of the florin, says Arthur.

Terence had not thought of that.

You can turn around once or twice, says Sweezus. 

But there'd have to be a reason, says  Arthur. 

Dancing! says Terence.

If Vello will let you, says Arthur. 

Why wouldn't he? asks Sweezus.

He won't let me use my own poem, says Arthur.

Has he written a new one? asks Sweezus.

No, says Arthur. He's picked an old one, that goes: It is an ancient mariner, and he stoppeth one of three...

Classy! says Ageless. 

Who asked you? says Arthur.

Sweezus remembers it from English at school. It was long.

All of it? asks Sweezus.

No just up to 'wherefore stopp'st thou me', says Arthur.

Lucky! says Sweezus.

Which makes Arthur feel a bit better.

Ageless returns to his painting.

Two potatoes, bright yellow, enclosed by a large blurry sun.

A Subsequent Pickle

Right, says Vello. I think we've rehearsed enough scenes for today.

Can we run through the shipwreck again? asks Sweezus.

If you do it without using my desk, says Vello. 

But I have to fall into the sea, says Sweezus.

So do I, says Arthur.

Improvise, says Vello. And quietly. I need to come up with a poem.

For the sailor? asks Denis.

Yes, for the sailor, says Vello.

He drags his chair back to his desk, sets up his laptop, and stares at the screen.

What's a good poem for a sailor?

Should it be seductive? No. The sailor has already paid the girl for her favours.

The important thing is that Hedley should like it. And also his mother.

Having trouble? asks David.

Yes, David, says Vello. Are you busy?

Not at the moment, says David. 

This poem I'm writing, says Vello. It needs to suit too many people.

Including Hedley's mother, says David. 

They both stare at Vello's blank screen.

I've got it! says David. She won't object to Coleridge.

The Rime!  says Vello. 

The Rime, says David. Now, how does it go?

Neither of them remember, except for the albatross.

David calls it up on his phone:

It is an ancient mariner, And he stoppeth one of three, By thy long grey beard and glittering eye, Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?

Perfect.

That's one problem solved.

Meanwhile Sweezus, Gaius, Denis and Arthur are standing on the prop box, tightly packed.

Who falls in first? asks Sweezus.

Me, says Arthur.

He falls backwards from the box to the floor.

Crack! Lucky he lives a charmed life.

You're supposed to be dangling, says Sweezus.

I can't dangle from the prop box, says Arthur.

Sweezus pulls him back onto the prop box and falls in himself.

That's me, drowned, says Sweezus, rolling away. 

Now the ship splits in two, says Gaius. 

Arthur, Denis and Gaius try various means of making that seem to happen.

Sweezus rolls into the corner where Terence and Ageless are working on the potato.

The paint has now dried.

Creating a subsequent pickle.

Progress Of Sorts

Cool poem, says Sweezus. Is that your Willy Hill one?

Yes, says Arthur.

There's no place in Candide for a Willy Hill poem, says Vello.

And Hedley's mother wouldn't like it, says Belle.

That's beside the point, says Vello. 

Did I mention Willy Hill in the poem? asks Arthur. I didn't.

Yeah it could be about anywhere, or anything, says Sweezus

True, says Gaius. But we know it's about cycling in horrendous conditions.

The knees give it away, says Denis.

If you tweak it to be about the Lisbon earthquake I might reconsider, says Vello. 

Forget it, says Arthur.

Your choice, says Vello. Very well, I'll write the poem.

Go ahead, says Arthur. 

Let's get on with the rehearsal, says Denis. I've got other things to do.

Me too, says Terence.

He goes back to the circle of cardboard to work on his potato.

Ageless is already there, painting it yellow.

You painted over the first potato, says Terence.

You only need one potato, says Ageless.

I need two potatoes, says Terence. One for each saint.

Then they should be the same size, says Ageless.

Okay, says Terence. Let's start again.

You'll have to wait till the paint dries, says Ageless.

Can't you just wipe it off? asks Terence.

If I did that, it would reveal the original smaller potato, says Ageless.

So what? says Terence. 

There would be three potatoes, says Ageless. One more than we want.

Okay, let's wait, says Terence. 

We'll watch the rehearsal, says Ageless. 

Denis has put on his red finger-knitted hat, which isn't quite finished. A long red thread is still attached to his finger.

He is rehearsing the part where he has been wounded by flying splinters, immediately after the earthquake.

He drops to the floor, and cries: Fetch me wine and oil! I am dying!

Gaius, as Dr Pangloss, is about to explain that earthquakes are nothing new and all for the best when it strikes him that if it had been a volcano Arthur's poem would have been appropriate. A red wave descends from the summit......wasn't that it? He might suggest it to Vello.

Meawhile Denis's hat has begun to unravel.

Denis sits up to re-finger-knit it.

The paint dries on the potato.

Going Too Far

That doesn't look like a potato, says Hedley.

Irrelevant, says Ageless. Give me a snog.

What's a snog? asks Hedley.

Sloppy kisses, says Ageless. That's what I'm paying for.

Yuck, says Hedley.

Come here, Hedley, says his mother.

Hedley goes back to his mother.

Don't worry about that nasty lobster, says Hedley's mother. He's not going to be in it.

He certainly isn't, says Vello. At least not as a sailor.

Good, says Hedley's mother. We'll be off now. When will Hedley be getting his costume?

Should be ready by tomorrow's rehearsal, says Belle. 

What's it like? asks Hedley.

Belle shows him a sketch of the costume.

I'm giving you a kilt, says Belle. With a safety pin at the front. And that school tie would look good with it. Your school needn't know.

Is he supposed to be a minor? asks Hedley's mother. 

She is looking at Vello.

He is supposed to be a girl of easy virtue, says Vello. Her age is not mentioned.

But you wrote it, says Hedley's mother. You must know.

All right, says Vello. She's twenty one. Happy?

Hedley's mother walks out with Hedley.

Twenty one. At least Hedley looks happy.

How old am I? asks Terence.

I knew it! says Vello. 

What? asks Terence.

That you'd ask, says Vello. The henchman is thirty two and a half, and the florin is from the twelfth century.

Great. Both are older than Hedley.

Arthur comes into the office.

You're late, says Vello. Where were you?

Sorry, slept in, says Arthur.

Ageless took your place in the scene with Hedley, says Vello.

How did that go? asks Arthur.

Ageless went too far, says Vello. I need to be sure you won't do the same.

Okay, says Arthur. Let's run through it. Who'll  play Hedley?

Me, says Terence.

Not you, says Vello. How about you, Belle?

Love to, says Belle.

Hello lovely, says Arthur. 

Hello sailor, says Belle.

Do you like poetry? asks Arthur.

Yes, no, maybe, says Belle.

You'll like this, says Arthur:

 Hot knees pounding, heat grinding sinews to sludge, black blood shrieks behind sightless eyes, a red wave descends from the summit as I rise.

Now YOU've gone too far, says Belle.

Hello Lovely

What is Ageless doing here? asks Vello. And why is he wearing Candide's hat?

It's his own hat, says Gaius. Denis is making another one for himself.

Nearly ready, says Denis, producing a string of red finger-knitting.

But what is he doing here? asks Vello.

Ageless decides it's time to speak for himself.

There are certain persons who would pay money to see me as Candide, says Ageless.

O-ho! says Vello. who are these certain persons?

Henriette is one, says Ageless. 

She only thinks he would make a good understudy, says Denis. And he knows all the lines.

Very well, says Vello. Ageless shall be Denis's understudy.

Thank you, says Ageless. Shall I run through my part?

No, just observe Denis, says Vello. On second thoughts, make yourself useful.

I've just finished moulting, says Ageless. 

You can help Terence paint his potato, says Belle.

Yes, says Terence. On the back of my costume.

A potato? says Hedley. I thought you were a florin.

Florins had potatoes on the back, says Terence.

News to me, says Hedley's mother.

It's okay, says Belle. The potato represents a couple of minor saints, in place of John the Baptist, for obvious reasons.

Hedley's mother can't see the obvious reasons, but doesn't pursue it, since the florin is not Hedley's part.

Belle gives Terence a permanent marker, and Ageless a paintbrush.

Go for it, boys, says Belle.

Terence starts to draw a potato,

Too small! says Ageless.

Terence draws another potato around the too small potato.

Already the potato is not looking like a potato.

Right! says Vello. We'll do the scene with Hedley and the sailor. Where's Arthur?

Not here yet, says Sweezus. 

Hedley has to go soon, says Hedley's mother. School starts at nine.

Anyone know Arthur's lines? asks Vello.

Me! says Terence. Hello lovely! Do you like POEMS?

I'm not doing it with Terence, says Hedley.

I'll do it, says Ageless. Hello lovely, do you like poems?

Yes, no, maybe, says Hedley.

Or perhaps you prefer potatoes, says Ageless. Come with me and I'll show you a special one.

Hedley looks at his mother.

Just go with it, Hedley. We're late, says his mother.

Okay, says Hedley.

He follows Ageless towards the special potato.

Anty Master

Early next morning, in the office.

A second rehearsal.

Belle is painting a fleur de lys on a circle of cardboard.

Is that for the florin costume? asks David.

Yes, says Belle. This is the front. I'm leaving the back blank, so that Terence can draw the potato.

Terence is watching Sweezus who is typing.

Nearly done, says Sweezus.

Are they your lines? asks Terence.

No little buddy, says Sweezus. They're your lines.

Florins dont TALK, says Terence.

It's a play, so the florin can talk, says Sweezus.

Do YOU talk? asks Terence.

No, says Sweezus. How bad would it look if James the Anabaptist started boasting?

About what? asks Terence.

How generous and kind he is, says Sweezus. That's why the florin should say it.

Will I get more lines than Hedley? asks Terence.

That depends, says Sweezus.

Okay, says Terence. What do I say?

Right, says Sweezus. I'm standing here and you're standing next to me. You say Greetings audience, I am a florin and this is James the Anabaptist my generous master.

That's a long line, says Terence.

You could leave out Greetings audience, says Sweezus.

It's still long, says Terence.

Try it, says Sweezus. I am a florin and this is James the generous Anty Master, says Terence.

Close, says Sweezus. Next you say: He gave me to Candide when he was down and out and no one else would help him.

So why am I with you? asks Terence.

Because this is a prequel, says Sweezus. It hasn't happened yet.

So how do I know about it? asks Terence.

Can you just say it? asks Sweezus. If it's too long I'll cut it.

What was it? asks Terence.

He gave me to Candide, when he was down and out and no one else would help him, says Sweezus.

Hedley comes in with his mother

You're late, says Vello.

Sorry, says Hedley's mother. Hedley couldn't find his school tie.

Did he find it? asks Belle. It might make a quirky addition to his costume.

I don't think Hedley's school would like that, says Hedley's mother.

Guess what? asks Terence. I've got two long lines.

How come? asks Hedley.

Because James the Anty can't boast, so I have to boast for him, says Terence.

Hedley looks at the lines on Sweezus's screen.

He gave me to Candide when he was down and out and no one else would help him, reads Hedley.

Good one, Hedley, says Sweezus. You sound just like a florin.

Terence, the real florin, is mad.

There's Always Me

Back at Gaius's house, Henriette is talking to Ageless. who is no longer moulting.

They should be here soon, says Henriette. Denis sent me a text.

Is he bringing my hat? asks Ageless. 

Looks like it, says Henriette. He sent me a photo.

She shows Ageless the photo.

In it, Denis wears Ageless's hat.

He's playing Candide, says Henriette. Belle thinks it makes him look younger.

Younger! scoffs Ageless.

But it does, says Henriette. Don't you think so?

By hiding his bald patch, says Ageless. Anyone would look younger. Even me.

I'd pay money to see that, says Henriette.

What? asks Ageless.

You as Candide, says Henriette.

The front door opens. 

Terence runs in, followed by Gaius and Denis.

Guess what! cries Terence. I've got two parts.

Snap, says Ageless.

What does that mean? asks Terence.

He means he's stopped moulting, says Henriette. His other parts are in the bucket.

Excellent, says Gaius. You're looking good, Ageless. Isn't he, Denis?

Positively gleaming, says Denis.

I'm still a bit tender, says Ageless. I'd appreciate the return of my hat.

Certainly, says Denis, but I've been cast as Candide, and the hat's to be part of my costume.

My hat! says Ageless.

Which I made, says Denis.

Make another one, says Ageless.

I suppose I could, says Denis.

Of course you could, says Henriette. And then there'd be two hats, and Ageless could act as your understudy in case anything happens.

What might happen? asks Terence.

Denis might have an accident, says Henriette.

And I could take over, says Ageless. I know all the lines. The Day of Judgement has come! Nothing is more likely! Oil and wine, for pity's sake! and so on...

Impressive, says Gaius. But you do have problem, being a lobster.

I have no problem being a lobster, says Ageless.

Like me, says Terence, I have no problem being a florin.

Are you a florin? asks Henriette. Is that one of your parts? How amazing!

I'm having a flower on the front and a potato on the back, says Terence. And yellow socks and gold hair in case my curls are showing.

And your other part? asks Henriette.

Hingeman, says Terence.

Henchman, says Gaius. His job is to stop pouring wine, at a certain signal, and seize me.

With a grabber, says Terence.

A mechanical grabber, says Gaius. Belle thinks there's one in the prop box.

And if there isn't, there's always me..., says Ageless, waving his dominant claw.

It Means More Than It Does

Terence has gone home with Gaius and Denis.

Sweezus is working on his prequel.

Belle looks over his shoulder.

Found out what an Anabaptist is yet? asks Belle.

Yeah, I was right, says Sweezus. It's a weirdo religion.

But he's meant to be a good person, says Belle.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Worthy and generous, with a silk manufacturing business.

Hence the florin, says Belle. Terence has designed a cool florin costume, by the way.

Don't make it heavy, says Sweezus. I have to lift him.

He'll have legs, says Belle. You won't have to lift him.

A florin with legs? says Sweezus. 

In yellow socks, says Belle. And a few gold curls at the top.

Sweezus tries to visualise the florin, but lacks a few details.

And what's in the middle? asks Sweezus. 

A fleur de lys on the front, says Belle. Very authentic. 

And the back? asks Sweezus.

A potato, says Belle. Before you ask, it represents Saints Méen and Maclou.

How come they're on it? asks Sweezus.

Saint John was too hard, says Belle. Although he was more authentic.

John the Baptist? says Sweezus. It's good it's not him though.

Why? asks Belle. Because James is an Anabaptist?

Yeah, says Sweezus. People might think it means more than it does.

They might think the same about a potato, says Belle.

How can a potato mean more than it does? asks Sweezus.

The Irish Potato Famine, says Belle. When was that?

Dunno, says Sweezus. Anyhow the potato'll be at the back of him, yeah?

Yes, says Belle. And it may not even be obvious that it's a potato.

Who's drawing it? asks Sweezus.

Him, says Belle.

They both imagine the likely shape of the potato.

A Saintly Potato

Sweezus looks busy.

But Belle comes over.

That's a nice flower, says Belle. But it should be fleur de lys, really.

She draws one on Terence's paper.

What should be on the other side? asks Terence.

I wonder, says Belle. Let's find out shall we?

Okay, says Terence.

Belle takes out her phone taps out a question.

A photo of a florin comes up.

She shows it to Terence.

Who's that old guy? asks Terence.

Saint John, says Belle. Want to try and draw him?

No, says Terence. He has too many details.

He does have a lot of details. A wiggly halo, googly eyes, a bearskin, a cloak, skinny legs, knobby feet, a stick with a cross and something that looks like a telephone. He is pointing at something which might be a bird, or perhaps a number three on its side.

Choose someone else, says Belle. It's your costume.

Terence thinks hard.

What about Saint Maclou or Saint Méen? 

Do they have less details? Not really.

Then Terence has a brainwave.

He draws a potato.

What's that? asks Belle.

Saint Méen's and Saint Maclou's potato, says Terence.

That will do nicely, says Belle.

Will my feet show? asks Terence.

Yes they will, says Belle. They'll poke out of the bottom of your costume. Don't worry. You can wear yellow socks.

What about my head? asks Terence.

It won't show, says Belle. I'll give you some tiny eyeholes.

What if my hair shows? asks Terence.

We'll spray it with gold paint, says Belle. Happy?

Gold hair, yellow socks, tiny eyeholes, a saintly potato.

Yes, Terence is happy.

Coin With Two Sides

David comes in with a carton of coffees.

Good timing, says Vello. We're just wrapping up.

How did it go? asks David.

Very well, for a first run-through, says Vello.

Sweezus is writing a prequel, says Denis.

And I'm in it, says Terence.

I thought you were the henchman, says David.

I am. And a florin, says Terence.

David looks at Sweezus.

Yeah well, says Sweezus. He volunteered to be a florin

Why a florin? asks David.

To show my charitable nature, says Sweezus. I give him away.

Have you thought this through? asks David.

Vello looks up from his coffee.

It will look like you're trafficking a child, says David.

Shit yeah, says Sweezus. Sorry little buddy.

What? asks Terence.

You can't be a florin, says Sweezus. Because you look like a kid, and no one would get it.

What's a florin? asks Terence.

Yes, it's time that he asked.

A gold coin, says Vello. 

Oh, says Terence.

Hedley is smirking.

Is it round? asks Terence.

It is, says Vello. Round, with a floral emblem.

I could wear a costume, says Terence.

A tight round costume with a flower on the front, says Hedley.

Belle can make it, says Terence.

I suppose I could, says Belle. Why don't you you and Sweezie put your heads together, and draw up some ideas.

What about my costume? asks Hedley.

Enough! says Vello. Rehearsal is over. 

Yes some of us have work to do, says David. Velosophy won't write itself.

Come along Hedley, says Hedley's mother. You'll be late for school. 

Bye, says Hedley.

See you tomorrow, says Belle. Bring some ideas for your costume.

Hedley leaves, with his mother.

Now, let's draw my costume, says Terence. 

Here's some paper, says Sweezus. And a pencil. Go for it.

Terence draws a circle.

And a flower inside the circle.

Too easy.

Until he remembers: A coin has two sides.

Acting A Florin

Do we weep while we're eating the food? asks Hedley.

I suppose so, says Vello. 

What is the food? asks Sweezus.

Leftovers, says Arthur.

Where would they've found them in an earthquake? asks Sweezus.

In a pantry, says Arthur.

With the potatoes, says Terence.

Potatoes grow under the ground, says Hedley.

But after, says Terence.

Enough! says Vello. The food is unimportant.

So, says Gaius. After I'm seized by the henchman, what happens next?

He leads you away, says Vello. End of chapter.

And end of performance, says Denis. A bit flat, wouldn't you say.

I might add a few words, says Vello. 

Yeah, says Sweezus. You could mention the auto da fé.

I could, says Vello. 

We've still got the costumes, says Belle.

Can I wear one? asks Terence.

And me? asks Hedley.

Not you, says Terence. You've got two parts already.

No one is going to wear one, says Vello. It's chapter five only.

Plus your few words, says Denis. 

And the prequel, says Sweezus. 

What prequel? asks Vello.

Where we learn more about James the Anabaptist, says Sweezus. You agreed.

Did I? says Vello.

You did, says Denis. Why not let Sweezus handle the prequel?

What a good idea, says Vello. Let's see what he comes up with. 

Thanks boss, says Sweezus. 

Keep it short, says Vello. And no extras.

Except me, says Terence.

And no props, says Vello.

Just two florins, says Sweezus. To show my charitable nature.

No, says Vello.

One florin, says Terence. And I'll be the florin.

Good on you little buddy, says Sweezus.

Terence looks at Hedley.

Hedley is rolling his eyes.

As if Terence, who has never been to Theatre Bugs, could act the part of a florin.

Free Will Or Willy

Do we stand or sit for this dinner? asks Gaius.

Squat, says Vello. All the seats will be broken.

Then this desk is too high, says Denis.

All right, stand, says Vello. Now, action! Start weeping.

What's weeping? asks Terence.

Crying, says Hedley. Who doesn't know that?

Just checking, says Terence.

I'm not weeping, am I? asks Gaius.

Of course not, says Vello. Just say your lines.

Cheer up. Things could hardly be otherwise, says Gaius. The devastation is a manifestation of the rightness of things. Therefore all this has been for the best.

Belle turns to Gaius. 

It appears, sir, that you don't believe in original sin. For if all is for the best there can be no such thing as eternal punishment, says Belle.

I beg your pardon, excellency, says Gaius, but the fall of man and eternal punishment are of necessity part of the scheme of things.

I take it you don't believe in Free Will? asks Belle

Free Willy, says Terence.

Hedley giggles.

Hedley's mother frowns at Hedley.

Don't say Free Willy next time, says Vello. Just pour Belle a glass of port wine.

But she hasn't nodded, says Terence.

This is where timing comes in, says Vello. Start pouring the pretend wine into a pretend glass while watching for Belle's signal.

What if I spill it? asks Terence.

You can't spill pretend wine, says Vello. 

I could pretend to spill it, says Terence.

Don't do that, says Vello. Cue Gaius!

Your excellency, says Gaius. Free Will is consistent with Absolute Necessity, for it was ordained that we should be free.....

Belle nods at Terence.

Terence stops pouring pretend wine. 

Now you seize Dr Pangloss with your mechanical grabber, says Vello.

Terence doesn't have a mechanical grabber. Belle has not looked for it yet.

Too bad. He will seize Gaius with a pretend mechanical grabber.

Ouch! says Gaius.

Sorry, says Terence. 

What happened there? asks Vello.

Terence's bird claw, says Gaius. It's quite sharp.

Not everything is all for the best, says Denis.

That's the POINT, Denis, says Vello.

Terence is pleased. 

He has done something right.

A Mechanical Grabber

Are we going to read through the last scene now? asks Belle.

Just a quick run-through, says Vello.

Am I in it? asks Terence.

Yes, you're in it, says Belle. 

Do you know your lines? asks Hedley.

No, says Terence. 

You don't have any lines, says Belle. You sit beside me, at the dinner in the ruins.

You should ask for some lines, says Hedley.

Shut up, I'm going to, says Terence.

Wait, says Belle. You may not have lines, but you have important actions.

What actions? asks Terence.

And timing is everything, says Belle.

Woo! says Terence, looking at Hedley.

You are pouring me a glass of port wine as Dr Pangloss is speaking, says Belle. I nod at you. You stop pouring and seize Dr Pangloss.

How will Terence seize me? says Gaius. He's much smaller than I am.

I'm a big strong mean guy, says Terence.

But you don't look like one, says Hedley.

YOU don't look like a GIRL, says Terence.

That is true, says Hedley's mother. Acting is making the audience believe that you're someone other. Hedley learned that at Theatre Bugs.

Indeed, says Vello, but it helps to look the part, and Terence doesn't.

I have an idea, says Denis. He could use a mechanical grabber.

Yes! says Terence. 

I think I have one in the props box, says Belle. From when we had the red sheep.

Well, that's sorted, says Vello. The henchman will use a mechanical grabber. 

Where shall we sit for the dinner? asks Gaius. And how many are at it?

Let me see, says Vello. The four of you, plus some extras. 

The Anabaptist has already died, says Sweezus. I'll be an extra.

I'm off-stage with Hedley, says Arthur. I'll be one too.

And me, says Hedley.

And me, says Terence.

You're already on stage, says Hedley. You can't be two people on stage at the same time.

Bumhole! Even Terence can see that's not possible.

But Hedley has two parts.

And Terence wants two parts as well.

The Beauty Of Lines

Back to work, everyone, says Vello.

What next? asks Gaius.

You remonstrate with the sailor, says Vello.

As he is going off with Hedley? asks Gaius.

Yes, do you remember your lines? says Vello.

I tell him he has misjudged the occasion, by not obeying the universal rule of Reason, says Gaius.

What are my lines? asks Hedley.

You have no lines, says Vello. 

Hedley needs to have lines, says Hedley's mother.

All right, says Vello. Now then Hedley, you know the situation. Arthur is a villainous sailor. He has looted the ruins of Lisbon for money. He has got drunk and then looked for someone like you to go off with.

Okay, says Hedley. So what do I say?

Help! suggests Terence.

It depends on what Arthur comes up with, says Vello.

I'll come up with something, says Arthur.

Right! Action! says Vello.

Hello, lovely, says Arthur.

Hedley looks at his mother.

Hedley's mother looks encouraging.

Hello, sailor, says Hedley.

Thats good! says Terence.

Quiet! says Vello.

Do you like poetry? asks Arthur.

No, yes, maybe, says Hedley. I like SOME poetry.

You'd like mine, says Arthur. Let's go somewhere private.

Okay, says Hedley.

Cue Dr Pangloss! says Vello.

Gaius steps forward and grasps Arthur by the shoulder.

This will never do, my friend, says Gaius. You are not obeying the universal law of Reason.

Bloody hell! says Arthur. I'm a sailor! I'm not the man for your universal Reason.

I thought you were a poet, says Hedley.

My poetry has no rhyme or reason, says Arthur.

That's the sort of poetry I like, says Hedley.

His mother looks pleased.

Cue Candide! says Vello.

Me? says Denis.

Yes, put your beanie on, says Vello.

Denis takes the finger-knitted beanie out of his pocket and puts it back on.

He lies down.

Fetch me some wine and oil! I am dying, cries Denis.

Gaius turns away from the sailor and Hedley.

This earthquake is nothing new, says Gaius. The same thing happened in Lima. There must be a vein of sulphur running between them.

Nothing is more likely, says Denis. But oil and wine, for pity's sake!

Gaius mimes going to look for a fountain..

That's a wrap! says Vello. Good work everyone.

Great. 

And the best thing is, now Hedley has lines.