Any Egg Any Place

What has he written on those eggs? asks the oystercatcher.

The letters E B, says Gaius.

Terence! Why did you do that? asks Belle. And what did you mean?

BEWARE says Terence. But I haven't finished.

It will be back to front, says Gaius. BEWARE starts with B.

I was copying, says Terence. It's on my tummy.

He's seeing it upside down, says Belle.

What's this? asks the oystercatcher. Am I missing something?

Even so, says Gaius, it's still the wrong order. He has begun in the middle.

Or at the end, says Belle.

But then he would have written E R, says Gaius. Let me show you.

He takes the black pencil, and writes in the sand: E R A W E B.

That's good, says the oystercatcher. Feel free to scratch about in my habitat.

Just making a point, says Gaius. But I'll scuff it out in a minute.

Belle walks around it.

I see what you mean, says Belle. He must have started at the second letter. Do you suppose he's dyslexic?

Can I finish it? asks Terence.

Impossible, says Gaius.

That's right, says the oystercatcher. But it's too late. These eggs are ruined. You can have them.

Are they yours? asks Belle.

No, says the oystercatcher. Not mine.

We're terribly sorry, says Belle. Aren't we, Gaius?

What? says Gaius. Oh yes. Terribly sorry. This whole project is collapsing.

What is the project, if you don't mind me asking? asks the oystercatcher.

Gaius explains that rising sea levels are making a difference, and that eggs in scrapes need to be protected.

And we came here to help, says Gaius. Our plan was to encourage your species to rebuild washed out scrapes on higher ground.

Why us in particular? asks the oystercatcher. Are we thought to be particularly stupid?

YES! says Terence.

Not at all, says Gaius. The research focused on your species, that's all. May I ask if you yourself are affected?

No, says the oystercatcher. We have evolved here. We have a thing with the seagulls. Any egg any place any time. That's how we roll here. Deal with anything. Even red cheeses. Why don't you go and spread your message somewhere less urban and sophisticated?

No good arguing that the sand and mud flats don't look urban and sophisticated.

Such as? asks Gaius. I would appreciate your advice.

Cancale, says the oystercatcher. Ten kilometres the other side of Saint Malo. There's a bird reserve there. Full of bumpkins that wouldn't know their arse from their anus. Rustic buntings, lesser yellowlegs, buff bellied pipits, peregrines, you name it. Go teach them something useful.

Thank you, we shall, says Gaius.

Follow the GR34, says the oystercatcher.

Thank you, says Belle. Come on, Terence.

Wait! says Terence. He picks up the two eggs he has ruined, and scuffs out the E R A W E B, because Gaius has forgotten to do it.

But he doesn't receive any thanks.