Really Lost

They are not far from Penguin.

Terence and Jinjing have not yet come up with a joke.

I have one, says Katherine. What do penguins have for lunch?

I have one too, says Margaret. Where do penguins go to dance?

I don't know, says Terence.

Icebergers, says Katherine.

A snow ball, says Margaret.

Which is the right answer? asks Terence.

What do you think? asks Katherine.

They might eat a snowball, says Jinjing. But aren't jokes supposed to be funny?

YES! says Terence. That's why we didn't ask THEM.

Only trying to help, says Margaret. Look, here we are in Penguin. Where are these friends of yours?

On the side of the road, says Terence. Keep going.

Margaret slows down.

There! cries Terence. Stop! There's Baby Bin Penguin!

Margaret stops. Katherine gets out and opens the back door for Terence.

Terence gets out. So does Jinjing.

I'll just see if it's all right for them to stay with the Bin Penguins for a couple of hours, says Katherine.

Terence runs up to Baby Bin Penguin.

Hello! It's me! Terence!

Woah! says Baby Bin Penguin. I KNEW you'd come back one day! Are you staying?

No, says Terence. I'm dropped off for two hours. This is my parrot, Jinjing.

Hi! says Baby Bin Penguin.

Where are your parents? asks Katherine.

Away, being refurbished, says Baby Bin Penguin.

That's unfortunate, says Katherine. Still I suppose you're responsible, even though you're a baby. How long have you been here?

Years and years, says Baby Bin Penguin.

Good, says Katherine. Is it okay if we come back for Terence and Jinjing in two hours, or perhaps a bit longer?

It's okay, says Baby Bin Penguin.

Yay! says Terence. Let's tell jokes!

Bye now, says Katherine. Don't wander off. We'll expect to meet you right here at two o'clock. Got it?

Got it, says Terence.

Katherine gets in the car. Margaret starts up the engine. They drive off, towards Burnie.

What do you call a snow ball? asks Terence.

Ahem, says Jinjing. Wrong question.

I know that one, says Baby Bin Penguin. A penguin dance. What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?

Fifty penguins, says Terence.

Really lost, says Baby Bin Penguin. No penguins live there.

Ha ha! laughs Jinjing. That's so funny. What would they have for lunch if they WERE there?

Tricky, says Baby Bin Penguin.

Terence, say Jinjing, tell him the answer.

What is it? asks Terence.

Lunch, whispers Jinjing. You remember?

Icebergers! says Terence.

Ha ha! laughs Baby Bin Penguin.

Although surely he's heard it before.

What Do Or How Do

So we're none the wiser, says Gaius.

I am, says P. krameri.

Wisely Gaius does not ask the nature of this wisdom.

P. krameri stares pointedly at his feet.

Nothing wrong with them, ever.

What's Jinjing capable of doing? asks Arthur.

I don't know the details, says Gaius. But it seems he flies, and converses freely.

Drone robot? says Arthur.

Gaius had not thought of that.

.......

Are we there yet? asks Terence.

No, says Katherine. We're just passing through Ulverstone, the first dot on your map.

I haven't got the map, says Terence.

It's still taped to the roof, says Katherine. Stop, Margaret. We should take it off.

Yes! I need it, says Terence.

So Margaret grits her teeth and pulls up in Ulverstone, near the War Memorial Clock.

Katherine gets out and detaches the map from the roof.

I see a coffee shop, says Katherine. Shall we stop for a coffee?

No, says Margaret. We'll be stopping in Penguin. We can't keep on stopping.

Katherine gets back in the car. Hands the map over to Terence.

Terence and Jinjing look at the map.

Was this made for me? asks Jinjing.

Yes, says Terence. See this dot here. I made that. That's Penguin. And Katherine did this one. That's where we were going to meet you, but you turned up early.

Thank you anyway, says Jinjing.

What good manners, says Terence. The Bin Penguins will like you.

I look forward to meeting them, says Jinjing.

Don't go overboard, says Terence. Let's think of a joke.

Okay, says Jinjing. You think and I'll think.

May I think? asks Katherine.

No, says Terence. Not unless we get stuck.

What do jokes start with? asks Jinjing.

What do penguins  or how do penguins, says Terence.

That sounds useful.

Coming On As Carry On

Arthur looks as though he has pulled an all-nighter.

Pale and greenish.

Good timing, says Gaius. Our flight's boarding.

Is it just you and me? asks Arthur. Where's P. krameri?

Here, says P. krameri.

He is perched on a seat, flicking through Gaius's abridged Penguin edition of his own works.

Found anything? asks Gaius.

Not yet, says P. krameri.

You can continue looking when we get on the plane, says Gaius. Perhaps Arthur will help you.

Is he coming on board with us? asks Arthur.

Yes, says Gaius. As carry-on. I have weighed him along with my back pack. They're well under seven kilos.

A carry-on parrot, says Arthur.

Don't laugh, says P. krameri.

I wasn't, says Arthur.

The queue moves. Gaius and Arthur show their boarding passes.

P krameri is carried on, under Gaius's arm.

Cute parrot, smiles the Jetstar attendant. Very realistic.

Indeed. Wonderful what they can do these days, says Gaius.

How did I do? asks P. krameri, when they have boarded the aircraft and found their seats.

Very well, says Gaius. You have saved me some money.

Lost his parrot passport? asks Arthur.

It was a French one, says Gaius. No use here.

I don't seem to have my own seat, says P. krameri.

That's the downside, says Gaius. Sit on Arthur. Here's the book. Keep on looking.

What are we looking for? asks Arthur.

Anything from the ancients about the animation of man-made parrots, says Gaius.

But this is your book, says Arthur. You wrote it.

It's full of gleanings, says Gaius. I forget all the things I put in it.

P. krameri has found the section on birds.

He keeps flicking.

There! says Arthur. Parrots, parakeets and magpies.

What do I say? enquires Gaius.

You describe me! squawks P krameri. The parakeet's body is green but distinguished by a red collar round the neck. That's me exactly!

But irrelevant to my purpose, says Gaius.

It greets its master and repeats words it hears, being full of fun, especially when given wine, reads Arthur.

That's illegal! says P. krameri.

Its head and beak are equally hard, and are beaten with an iron rod, when it is being taught to speak, for otherwise it does not feel the blows, reads Arthur.

What? What? cries P. krameri.

Apologies, says Gaius. It was no doubt just hearsay.

After flying it leans its weight on its beak to compensate for the weakness of its feet, concludes Arthur.

P. krameri is speechless.

There has never been anything wrong with his feet!

Consult The Ancients

Where've you been? asks Terence.

Escaping detection, says Jinjing.

Well done, says Katherine. You saved us from some tedious paperwork.

Yes, says Margaret. But what are we to say to Victor when we meet up in Burnie?

We found him, says Terence.

More paperwork! says Margaret.

He'll be off duty, says Katherine.

Nevertheless.....says Margaret.

I know, says Terence. Me and Jinjing will stop off in Penguin.

What will that achieve? asks Margaret.

A meeting, says Terence. With my best friend.

Meaning me? asks Jinjing.

Meaning Baby Bin Penguin, says Terence. He's a bin, and he knows all these jokes.

I suppose we could leave them in Penguin while we meet up with Victor in Burnie, and then drive back to Penguin to pick them up after lunch, says Katherine.

Margaret can't believe it! Is she EVER going to get to Rocky Cape to search for zircon minerals and fossil wave ripples?

How FAR is it between Penguin and Burnie? snaps Margaret.

Only twenty kilometres, says Katherine. That would take, say, eighteen minutes.

Each way, says Margaret. All right, but it will have to be a short lunch.

Agreed, says Katherine.

Margaret turns onto the Bass Highway, and they head west towards Ulverstone.

I'll just call Gaius, says Katherine. See if he's in Tasmania yet.

Yes, do, says Margaret. We should keep in touch.

Katherine calls.

Ring ring.

Hello? says Gaius. Katherine?

Are you in Tassie yet? asks Katherine.

Still in Adelaide, at the airport, waiting for Arthur, says Gaius. I'm sure he'll turn up any minute.

Of course, says Katherine. We're just leaving Devonport, heading west, stopping briefly in Penguin.

Say hello to the Penguin Bin family, says Gaius. How is Terence?

Fine, says Katherine. He has learned to make maps. And attempted some children's puzzles. We nearly lost Jinjing, but Jinjing has just returned to us.

You say returned, says Gaius. I take it you mean been returned.

No, he flew away, and flew back, says Katherine. Jinjing has made many leaps forward since you last saw him. He converses freely, and flies.

A toy parrot! says Gaius. I find that remarkable! Unprecedented, in fact. Unless .....I must consult the ancients. There may be examples....

You do that, says Katherine. Well, have a good flight and let us know when you get here.

Will do, says Gaius. Ah! Here comes Arthur.

Yes, here comes Arthur, at the last minute. That's lucky.

The Useful Nature Of Maps

Jinjing will be looking for us, says Terence.

He has his freedom, says Margaret.

Wah! says Terence.

Don't FUSS, says Margaret. We're wasting enough time as it is, stopping in Burnie.

We'll leave Jinjing a message, says Katherine. He knows his alphabet.

YES! says Terence. What will it be?

Meet at the Cheese Shop in Burnie, says Margaret.

He needs a map, says Terence.

You can make one, says Katherine.

What on? asks Terence.

Paper, says Margaret. You can do it on the back of one of your puzzles.

They are now in the car. Katherine hands Terence a piece of paper, and a red pen.

You can use my red pen, says Katherine.

Yippee! says Terence.

Now what?

Draw a straight line, to represent the northern coast of Tasmania. says Margaret. Keep it simple.

Terence draws a straight line.

Now draw a red dot to represent Devonport, says Katherine. Do it here.

The car moves forward. Margaret is driving. They drive down the ramp.

Now, says Katherine, to the left of Devonport, make dots for Ulverstone, Penguin and Burnie.

Terence makes two dots and stops.

Penguin! Are we going to Penguin?

Through it, but not stopping, says Margaret.

Wah! says Terence. My best friend lives there.

Finish your map, says Katherine. Then we need to work out the best place to leave it.

With Victor, says Terence.

NO! says Margaret. Not with Victor.

We'll stick it to the roof of the car, says Katherine. If Jinjing is flying around he'll be sure to spot it.

Got any tape? says Margaret.

In the first aid kit, says Katherine.

Has he marked Burnie? asks Margaret.

No, says Katherine, looking. He's only marked Penguin. With a parrot.

It's a penguin, says Terence.

Penguins stand upright, says Katherine.

Who doesn't know that? says Terence.

Katherine takes the map and adds a red dot for Burnie, an arrow, three stick figures, and a cheese.

That should do it, says Katherine. Pull over Margaret, and I'll attach it to the roof of the car.

She is just taping it to the roof when Jinjing flutters down gracefully and lands right beside it.

Hello, what's this for?

Nothing, says Katherine.

Not Not A Parrot

Jinjing's probably flown back to his cage, says Katherine. Happy now, Victor?

We'll see, says Victor. Meanwhile, I must ask you not to leave the vessel.

He goes off to see if Jinjing has returned to his cage.

What nonsense, says Margaret. They can't keep us on board for the sake of a missing toy parrot.

I agree, says Katherine. Let's proceed as though nothing has happened.

But Jinjing's gone MISSING! says Terence.

Flown away, says Katherine. It's not the same thing.

How? asks Terence.

He'll be waiting somewhere, says Katherine.

Where? mutters Terence.

Katherine and Margaret pick up their overnight bags and head below decks with Terence.

Terence is looking, looking, looking.

He might see Jinjing.

They arrive in the car park, and walk past the cages.

Victor is standing near the one that once held Jinjing, with a check sheet and a pencil.

Forms to fill in, says Victor. Unfortunately, you'll all be here for some time. A missing parrot is a serious business.

We don't need the parrot, says Katherine. Therefore, you should let us go.

It doesn't work that way, says Victor. We can't have a loose parrot on the Spirit of Tasmania.

This is ridiculous! says Margaret. Can you prove there even was a parrot?

Paperwork proves it, says Victor.

Show us, says Margaret.

Victor shows her the checklist.

Cage 27. Possible parrot.

There! says Katherine. A POSSIBLE parrot. You have a poor case against us.

True, says Victor. I didn't realise it was described as a possible parrot. However a possible parrot is not NOT a parrot. I'll need to make some enquiries.

You do that, says Katherine. We have to get to Burnie by lunch time.

The Cheese Shop? asks Victor.

None of your business, says Katherine. You have been very unhelpful.

Just doing my job, says Victor. How about, to make up for my unhelpfulness, I meet you in Burnie and buy you a cheese?

Have you got some time off? asks Katherine.

Yes, says Victor.

That would be nice, says Katherine.

Margaret rolls her eyes. She doesn't trust Victor.

Terence takes a last look around as they get in the car.

The Shih Tsu is being bundled into a Volvo. There to be given a shiny tin of fishy titbits.

The Wombat is being trundled away on a trolley,

Missing Bird Paperwork

Excuse me ladies, says the official.

Yes? says Katherine.

Your parrot, says the official, indicating Jinjing.

It's a toy parrot, says Katherine.

May I see it? asks the official.

You'll have to ask Terence, says Katherine. It's his.

Jinjing's not a toy parrot, says Terence. He was, but his button broke and now he can say what he likes.

Is this true? asks the official.

Yes, says Katherine. But the fact that he had a button should tell you something.

There's an empty cage below decks, says the official. Looks like it's been forced open. A parrot is missing.

Do I know you? asks Katherine.

The official does look familiar.

Victor, says the official. Katherine?

Yes, says Katherine. What are you doing on the Spirit of Tasmania?

Security, says Victor.

Margaret, it's Victor, says Katherine.

Margaret looks up from google maps.

Victor, says Margaret. You do get about.

Makes for an interesting life, says Victor. How's Gaius?

Same old Gaius, says Margaret. He'll be joining us soon. Flying over. Wouldn't come with us on the ferry. Goodness knows why.

Victor decides against offering a suggestion.

What are you doing in Tassie? asks Victor.

Cheese tour, says Katherine. Know any good cheese shops near Devonport?

Just so happens I do, says Victor. There's good one in Burnie. The Cheese Shop.

Imaginative name, says Katherine.

Now, about the parrot, says Victor.

The toy parrot, says Katherine.

I'll take it back to the cage, lock it in, and release it to you  at the appropriate moment, says Victor. No questions asked.

It seems like a huge waste of time, says Katherine.

Nevertheless it avoids loads of paperwork, says Victor. Missing bird paperwork. The worst kind.

Let him have it, says Margaret. Then we can disembark properly, and get on with our day.

What do you think, Terence? asks Katherine.

Too late! says Terence. Jinjing's flown away.

Annoying And Sticky

Morning at last

The Spirit Of Tasmania will soon be docking in Devonport.

Just time to grab a quick breakfast.

Sleep all right? Katherine asks Spike's mother.

Yeah, thanks, says Spike's mother.

Spike's mother pokes Spike's dad.

Come on, let's get some brekky.

Bye, Terence, says Spike. Bye, Jinjing.

Bye, Spike, says Terence.

Wake up Margaret! says Katherine. We're nearly there.

I'm already awake, says Margaret. Did you sleep well?

Yes, says Katherine. After my little adventure.

She rescued me, says Jinjing.

For goodness sake, Katherine! says Margaret. What if you'd been spotted?

I wasn't spotted, says Katherine. Anyway, Jinjing shouldn't have been there.

But... oh, never mind, says Margaret. Have we time to eat breakfast?

Yes, says Katherine. Come on, Terence.

They head to the breakfast bar, with Terence.

Can I have a red drink? asks Terence.

I suppose so, says Katherine. Ribena?

She picks up a pack. One of those ones with a bendy straw attached to the side of the package in cellophane.

I love these, says Terence.

What is it? asks Jinjing.

A squirter, says Terence. You poke the straw into this hole here.

It's not a hole, says Jinjing. It's silver.

That's over the hole, says Terence. First you have to pull the straw off the side of the package. It's stuck on with glue.

Let me, says Jinjing.

He pecks at the cellophane. He rips it.

Good one, says Terence. Now pull the straw out.

While they are doing this Margaret and Katherine are eating toast with marmalade, and drinking coffee.

We'll drive to Rocky Cape, says Margaret. You can drop me there and go on your cheese tour.

Fine, says Katherine. How far is it?

Margaret isn't sure, so she calls up google maps on her phone.

It's way over in the north west! says Katherine. We could both do the cheese tour, on the way.

But that means lots of stops, says Margaret.

I'm sure you'd enjoy tasting cheese, says Katherine.

Suddenly: Yeeek!

The two ladies are sprayed with Ribena.

How annoying, and sticky!

As if that is not annoying and sticky enough, an official ( in the breakfast room, having a quick bowl of porridge) spots the escapee from the animal prison, and marches over to ask the ladies some questions.

The Mysterious Mother

We don't sleep, says Terence.

Never mind, says Katherine. Don't leave your recliner.

We'll tell stories, says Jinjing. Until the morning.

As long as you tell them quietly, says Katherine.

She puts in her ear plugs, and turns away.

Me first, says Terence. Once there was a boy who lived in a palace. He fell off, and someone caught him before he got broken. Happy ending.

It is, says Jinjing. But how did he fall off the palace?

He dived, says Terence.

And who caught him? asks Jinjing.

Himself when he got older, says Terence. Although he said he wasn't. And Arthur said he wasn't, because I was Spanish.

That's a very good story, says Jinjing. And I like how Arthur was in it.

I was in it, says Terence. And Sweezus was in it.

Ah. The mysterious other, says Jinjing.

She wasn't in it, says Terence. She just watched.

Who? asks Jinjing.

The mysterious mother, says Terence. Now it's your turn.

Okay, says Jinjing. This story too is about a mysterious mother, who also just watched.

Are you copying? asks Terence.

No, this is a Hong Kong story, says Jinjing. A girl fell in love with a fisherman. One day he was lost at sea. She stood on the clifftop with her baby, waiting for his return.

What baby? asks Terence.

They had a baby, says Jinjing.

You left it out, says Terence.

No I didn't, says Jinjing. I said with her baby.

But you didn't say where it came from, says Terence.

It came from HER, says Jinjing. Did I interrupt YOU?

Yes, says Terence. Now where were you up to?

A god noticed her waiting, and turned her into stone, says Jinjing.

And the baby? says Terence.

And the baby, says Jinjing.

That was lucky, says Terence.

Yes, says Jinjing. But the after a year, the fisherman returned, and saw what had happened. He cried and he cried.

Why? asks Terence.

Because his wife and baby were hard and unresponsive, says Jinjing. What do you think?

I don't get it, says Terence.

That's because you're made of cement, says Jinjing. Stone is different.

Is it? says Terence. What about...

Just listen to the story, says Jinjing. The god took pity on the fisherman and as his tears fell on his wife and his baby they came back to life.

Was it the same god? asks Terence.

Yes it was, says Jinjing.

What a dickhead, says Terence.

Make Me Young Make Me Young

Katherine puts down her book, Breakfast of Champions.

Its final words echo.

Make me young! Make me young! Make me young!

I can sympathise with Kilgore Trout's father, says Katherine.

Mnmn-Uh? mumbles Margaret.

Nothing. Go back to sleep, says Katherine.

She presses the lever that is supposed to lay flat her recliner.

Ker-lunk.

I should brush my teeth, thinks Katherine.

She is about to head off to the toilets when she notices that Terence is missing.

And so is young Spike.

Should she wake Spike's mum and dad?

No, thinks Katherine. I'll brush my teeth first.

She brushes her teeth, getting rid of the last traces of passionfruit cheesecake.

That's better. She returns to her recliner.

No Terence. No Spike.

Where could those scallywags have got to?

She sees her cheese knife lying on the armrest of Terence's recliner.

Wiped clean.

It wasn't like that when the cakes were divided. She puts two and two together.

Of course! They'll have gone down to visit Jinjing, with some sort of cake ball.

She picks up the cheese knife and heads down the stairs to the car park and animal prison.

Sure enough, Terence and Spike are standing in front of three cages containing Jinjing, Shih Tsu and The Wombat.

Terence is saying: It doesn't matter!

Jinjing is saying: It does!

Spike: Not if you're not going to eat it.

Shih Tsu: Are there any fish titbits in it?

The Wombat: Or any more of those bed bugs?

Spike: No. There are just two types of cake. One is passionfruit, one is chocolate. The cake ball looks grey because Terence rolled them together in his fingers. But his fingers were clean. Except for the dirty one he didn't use, on purpose.

Terence: That's a very fair description.

Is it? says Katherine.

Everyone looks at Katherine. A grown up, with clean teeth.

They know that because she is smiling.

I've brought my cheese knife, says Katherine. Who wants to be freed from this prison?

Not me, says the Wombat. It's too embarrassing when I make a deposit.

Not me, says Shih Tsu. It's good here. They even bring you water.

Sensible decisions, says Katherine. But what about you, Jinjing? You shouldn't be here anyway. How would you like to come upstairs and sleep with Terence on his  recliner?

Yes, please, says Jinjing.

Katherine open his cage.

It's easy, with the cheese knife.

Jinjing is free.

Terence carries him up the stairs, followed by Spike and Katherine.

Katherine's step is bouncy. She feels young.

Shih Tsu: I wish I hadn't said it was good here. It isn't.

The Wombat: Did they leave the cake ball?

Shih Tsu: No. They took it.

The Wombat: Pff! Bummer.

The Remains Of The Spray

Terence has made a cake ball.

He offers it to Spike.

No way, says Spike. You got that cake off the cheese knife and rolled it between your fingers.

So what? says Terence. My fingers are clean.

What's that then? asks Spike.

She is looking at the sunflower seed finger, with the dried sprout hanging off it. It doesn't look clean.

I didn't use that one, says Terence.

And I'm full of hot chips, says Spike.

I know! says Terence. Let's take it down to Jinjing and the dog and the wombat!

Shh! says Spike. Okay, but wait till mum and dad are asleep.

Mum and dad have not yet got comfy.

They move this way and that.

Ugh! says mum. I think there's a bed bug!

Ask those two women, says Dad. They've got that spray.

Mum feels awkward about asking, since they had the disagreement with Margaret and Katherine, about seating.

But hey.

Excuse me, says mum, addressing Katherine. Could we borrow your spray?

Katherine is just finishing her half slice of passionfruit cheescake.

Certainly, says Katherine. Have you discovered a bed bug?

I think so, says mum. But it could be psychological.

A psychological bed bug, says Katherine. One should think twice before spraying such a creature.

Ha ha, laughs mum. I'll risk it.

Katherine hands mum the spray.

Mum sprays her recliner until the spray is almost finished.

What about mine? says dad.

Mum sprays dad's recliner with the remains of the spray.

A politer person would now hand back the empty spray can with an apology for using the entire contents.

But mum just looks round for a bin.

There isn't one.

She doesn't want to lie down yet. The spray stinks.

You didn't do mine, mum, says Spike.

Sorry pet, says mum.  But I reckon the spray will have done for every bug in our row.

Shall I find a bin for you? asks Spike.

Good on you, says mum. But I'll go.

Mum walks off with the spray can.

Dad has fallen asleep, knocked out by the bug spray.

Let's GO, Terence! whispers Spike.

Terence has forgotten. Go where?

Bring the cake ball! says Spike.

Terence remembers.

He glances at Katherine and Margaret.

Margaret is asleep and Katherine is reading.

The coast is clear.

He follows Spike with the cake ball.

Food, No Food

Too bad, says Spike. Maybe mum and dad'll bring me back something.

Yes, too bad, says Terence. Want to play cannot but be?

How do you play it? asks Spike.

Terence begins to explain cannot but be to Spike.

......

This might be a good time to visit some other scenarios.

.......

Scenario One: Mum and dad, in the bar on Deck 9.

Mum: Better go down and see how Spike's going.

Dad: She'll be asleep.

Mum: She hasn't had dinner.

Dad: Let's take her some chips.

......

Scenario Two: Down below, in the cages.

Shih Tsu: I'm so hungry!

Jinjing: What would you eat?

Shih Tsu: Anything!

Wombat: Not anything, I bet.

Shih Tsu: I long for fish titbits, in a shiny square tin.

.....

Scenario Three: Gaius's bedroom, in Adelaide.

Gaius dreams: Arthur has gone to a bar and not come back yet. It is morning. Time to go to the airport. Gaius is woken by P. krameri. Squawk! He looks at his digital clock radio. It's not morning.
He gets up anyway. Arthur has not come back yet.

......

Scenario Four: Arthur is in a bar, catching up with Sweezus.

Arthur: I don't have to go.

Sweezus: No, you go. I've got heaps of work on.

Arthur: We're flying. Not going on the ferry with Margaret and Katherine.

Sweezus: Cool. Gaius would've gone mental.

Arthur: Have another?

Sweezus: Yeah, okay.

.......

Scenario Five: Mouldy has made it over the Sea Bridge to Zhuhai. He asks a stranger.

Mouldy: How far to Beijing from here?

Stranger: Two thousand two hundred and sixty point nine kilometres.

Mouldy: Is there a train?

Stranger: Yes. To Beijing West. Once daily.

Mouldy: Can I take a bike on?

Stranger: Of course.

Mouldy: Then I'm catching the train.

......

Back to Spike and Terence.

Spike is eating hot chips.

Terence is wiping cake from the cheese knife, with his finger.

They have abandoned cannot but be.

Not everyone understands how to play it.

Fish Motto

Spike and Terence go back up the stairs.

That was a bad idea, says Spike.

Your bad idea, says Terence.

Yours, says Spike.

How was I to know? says Terence. I wanted to catch ten live ones. But you were in a hurry.

At least the wombat got something, says Spike.

Yes, says Terence. The wombat was grateful. He blessed me.

I must have missed that, says Spike.

They are now back at the row of recliners.

No grown ups are there.

But soon Katherine and Margaret appear.

Katherine is carrying a plate with two slices of cake.

There's nowhere to put it down safely, says Katherine.

Try the arm rest, says Margaret.

What if we knock it? says Katherine.

It won't be there for long, says Margaret. Surely you're going to eat it. I'm eating mine.

I shouldn't have had that creamy mushroom and spinach pasta, says Katherine. I should have had the seafood medley, like you.

Always order the fish, says Margaret. That's my motto.

Eat your cake now, if you want to, says Katherine. I'll save mine for a late night nibble.

Which one is mine? asks Margaret. Aren't we sharing?

Cut them in half, says Katherine.

What with? says Margaret.

My cheese knife, says Katherine. Terence has it.

Does Terence still have the cheese knife?

He does. He is sitting with Spike, three seats up, showing her the cheese knife.

Spike is admiring the stainless steel blade and the ergonomic mango wood handle.

I wish I knew you had this, says Spike. We could have let your parrot out. Why didn't you tell me?

Terence! calls Katherine. Bring the cheese knife. I need it to cut up some cake.

Terence pretends he hasn't heard her.

You're getting cake, says Spike. Don't you want it?

It won't be for me, says Terence. I have delicate innards.

You look like you're made of cement, says Spike. Do you even have innards?

How would I know? says Terence.

I like cake, says Spike. You could say you want some.

Okay, says Terence.

He takes the cheese knife over to Katherine, who examines it carefully for traces of Jinjing.

No visible traces.

She cuts the two slices in half.

Sticky lumps of Chocolate Mudcake and Passionfruit Cheesecake adhere to the knife.

I want some, says Terence.

You don't, says Katherine.

For my friend, says Terence.

But Katherine won't offer cake to a child whose parents are absent.

Dead One Sorry

The name of the daughter is Spike.

Her mother and father have gone off to the bar on Deck 9.

Margaret and Katherine have gone to the Tasmanian Market Kitchen, on Deck 7.

Terence and Spike have remained behind, looking for bed bugs.

There's one! says Spike.

Catch it! says Terence.

It's dead, says Spike. I don't need to catch it.

Jinjing doesn't want a dead one, says Terence.

But it's heaps fresh, says Spike. Your grandma only just killed it.

She's not my GRANDMA! says Terence.

So the other one's your grandma, says Spike.

No they're just ladies, says Terence. One's David's mother and one's Gaius's girlfriend, but he doesn't love her because she's too bossy.

Who's Gaius? asks Spike.

He's my boss, says Terence. He's flying to Tasmania because he doesn't want to sleep with the ladies.

That makes sense, says Spike. And why's he going to Tasmania?

To looks for antelopes, says Terence. Tiny birds with spots on.

Those aren't antelopes, says Spike.

They're a type of parrot, says Terence.

I thought you already had a parrot, says Spike. What are we catching bed bugs for?

There are two parrots, says Terence. One is Jinjing and one is P. krameri. P. krameri's with Gaius.

You split them up? says Spike.

They don't like each other, says Terence.

Mum and dad might be back soon , says Spike. If we're going to sneak below decks to feed Jinjing we ought to get going.

But we've only got one dead bed bug, says Terence.

Too bad, says Spike.

She wraps the dead bed bug up in a tissue and shoves it into her pocket.

They sneak off, towards the stairs.

......

Jinjing is telling his story to his new friends, Shih Tsu and The Wombat.

I was a toy. I had a button. If a human pressed the button I listened to what she was saying and repeated it back. Sometimes I would trick her and say, Wippety-Whoo-Whaa! and she would think I was disobeying.

That's amazing! says Shih Tsu. I too am a toy.

I don't believe it, says Jinjing. You are so realistic.

A toy BREED, says Shih Tsu. I am bred to be hardy, perky, sweet-natured and tiny. My hair grows so long that sometimes prickles catch in it. Then someone must brush me.

And do they? asks The Wombat.

Of course, says Shih Tsu. And it's not always prickles.

You live an interesting life, says The Wombat.

Tell us your story, says Jinjing.

I'm on my way home to Tasmania, says The Wombat.

But before that, says Shih Tsu.

I was in Melbourne, says The Wombat.

Someone's coming, says Jinjing. Perhaps we'll get dinner.

I hope so, says Shih Tsu. Otherwise it could be a long night.

Da-daah! says Terence. We've got you some food!

Good! says Jinjing. You do know I have delicate innards?

Is that your parrot? says Spike.

It is now, says Terence. But it's changed from when I first got it. When I first got it, all it could do was say the last part of what I said. Now it can say I have delicate innards.

What have you brought? asks Shih Tsu.

A bed bug, says Terence. It's a dead one, sorry.

This is disappointing.

A Square One!

A family has ensconced themselves in the recliners that Katherine has booked.

Excuse me, says Katherine. These are our recliners.

You can't book recliners, says the father.

Yes, you can, says Katherine. She waves her seat numbers in front of the eyes of the father.

The family stays put. What ferals.

Oh, look! says Margaret. Are those bed bugs?

The family jumps up, and starts looking for unoccupied recliners.

They find three, right next to the ones they've vacated.

Lucky we brought our bug spray, says Margaret, spraying her recliner.

Don't spray mine, says Terence.

The family looks suspicious.

Was it a plot to get rid of them?

The daughter stands up and walks over to Terence.

Why? says the daughter. Aren't there any?

Better be, says Terence. I'm going to catch some and feed them to my parrot.

What parrot? asks the daughter? I don't see a parrot.

Downstairs. You can come with me, says Terence. But first I have to catch at least ten bed bugs.

I hope you're not thinking of sneaking below decks to feed your parrot, says Margaret.

No, says  Terence. I'm not even thinking.

I'll help you, says the daughter.

......

Below decks, Jinjing is making polite conversation.

Jinjing: This will be my first time in Tasmania.

Shih Tsu: Ditto.

Wombat: I'm a local. Oo! Excuse me!

Jinjing: Nothing wrong with being a local.

Wombat: No. I meant excuse the bad smell.

Jinjing: Certainly. Argh!

Wombat: The scats spend so long in my gut. By the time they pop out, they're very dry and smelly.

Shih Tsu: Oh! My goodness! It's a square one!

Jinhjing; I think you mean cubic.

Shih Tsu: Yes I mean cubic. But how do you DO them?

Wombat: Could be worse. At least they don't have sharp corners.

Jinjing: And I guess they don't roll away.

Wombat: True, they stay where you put them.

Shih Tsu: How useful is that though?

Wombat: It's quite useful for marking out territory.

Jinjing: If you don't mind me asking.... but no, I shouldn't.

Shih Tsu: Let me ask. I'm not shy. Do you have a square anus?

Wombat: Actually no, the scat forms into a cubic shape much earlier. A puzzle for which science has recently come up with an answer.

Jinjing: What is it?

Wombat: It's a half baked sort of answer. It seems our intestines have two grooves in the stretchier parts. But I can't visualise how that works.

Shih Tsu: Yes, four grooves might explain it.

Jinjing: No, even that is not feasible...

Here the conversation ceases. An official has come in to replenish the water.

Goodbye To Your People

Time to board the Spirit of Tasmania.

Cars move up the ramp slowly.

Stop! says an official. Any animals in this vehicle?

No, says Katherine.

The official peers in.

What's that then?

My parrot, says Terence. He's sleeping.

Toy parrot don't sleep, says the official. Give it here.

It's obviously a toy parrot, says Margaret. I can vouch for its inanimate nature.

She sewed up its bottom, says Terence.

All the more reason for me to examine it, says the official.

He is handed Jinjing.

It looks like a toy parrot, but is it?

He squeezes Jinjing. Nothing happens.

Or so it would seem.

The squeeze triggers memories in the comatose parrot.

Chen, his little owner. She was so clever. She swapped him for Mouldy. What was so good about Mouldy? Mouldy claimed to have learned acceptance. That would not impress Chen. Mouldy claimed to love danger. He was last seen riding a red bicycle through Hong Kong airport, being sprayed blue. How did Mouldy function? Did he have a button? NO HE DIDN'T!

Jinjing opens his parrot eyes. OU!

What's that? says the official.

A diphthong! says Jjinjing.

I knew it, says the official. This bird goes into a cage for the rest of the voyage. Say goodbye to your people.

Wah! says Terence. He won't like it.

Don't worry about me, says Jinjing. I can handle it.

Well said, Jinjing, says Katherine. Oh! Will he need water?

They get water every half hour, says the official. No on board deaths have occurred since we implemented that procedure.

Comforting to hear, says Margaret. May we proceed now?

Proceed, says the official.

Katherine inches forward, parks her car carefully.

It is only now that they see the row of metal cages, down one side of the car park.

Jinjing has been placed in a cage between a Shih Tsu and a wombat.

At least he'll have someone to talk to.

Moderately Happy

Did you make these holes? asks Katherine.

I only wanted to SEE it, says Terence.

My button, thinks Jinjing. How will I speak?

I'm sure we can mend it, says Katherine.

Margaret returns to the car.

Toilets are over there, Katherine, says Margaret.

Katherine gets out and starts walking. Then she turns back.

There's been a small incident, says Katherine.

Don't tell me, says Margaret. With the cheese knife?

Never mind what with, says Katherine. Have you brought a sewing kit? Jinjing needs a few stitches.

I have, says Margaret. You go. We'll be driving on board soon.

Katherine goes. Margaret gets out her sewing kit.

Terence is watching.

It has black and white threads, scissors and two needles.

Jinjing doesn't like needles, says Terence.

You mean you don't, says Margaret.

She upends Jinjing.

I see the problem, says Margaret. His button's askew. I'll just ...oops! It's broken!

You killed him! cries Terence.

Jinjing does not feel this is true. He is still sentient. He can smell the ocean.

That's too bad, says Margaret. It's too late to do much about it. I'll sew up the holes.

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch-ee!

She sews up the two holes and snips the thread with the scissors.

There we are, says Margaret. Good as new, except that he can't repeat what you say now. That may not be a bad thing.

Wah! says Terence. He knew all the alphabet. What if someone asks me?

Learn it yourself, says Margaret. How do you like my sewing job?

Terence looks at the sewing job. It's neat but...

THE WRONG COLOUR!

You used white! says Terence. He's got two white spots near his bottom!

Hush, says Margaret. I had the choice of black or white. I thought white less obtrusive.

But he's green, says Terence.

He looks happy enough, says Margaret

Jinjing has slipped into a toy parrot coma, brought on by multiple trauma.

We may suppose he looks moderately happy.

Live In The Moment

Half past five. Katherine pulls up at Station Pier, Waterfront Place, Port Melbourne.

Two hours till departure.

They join a long queue.

You two have been quiet in the back there, says Katherine.

Jinjing is crying, says Terence.

Oh dear, says Katherine. What's the trouble?

He wishes he was with Gaius and Arthur, says Terence.

Sniffff! says Jinjing.

But Gaius needs the other parrot, says Katherine. What is it called?

P. krameri, says Margaret. A rose ringed parakeet.

Yes, him, says Katherine. And it's just as well really. Live birds and animals such as dogs have to travel in cages. Jinjing is a toy, so he doesn't.

Jinjing wants to go in a cage, says Terence.

Sniffff, says Jinjing.

You can't visit your pet in its cage on the voyage, says Margaret. They have strict rules about it.

There, says Terence. Stop crying. You wouldn't have liked it.

Sniffff! Jinjing stops crying. He would dearly like to say something.

If he could, this is what it would be:

What sort of fool would give Terence a cheese knife!!!!

He's stopped crying, says Terence. 

Good, says Katherine. Live in the moment.

Good advice, says Margaret. I'm just going to slip out to the toilet.

I'll go when you come back, says Katherine.

Margaret gets out of the car, and goes to look for a toilet.

It's been an educational road trip, says Katherine. Jinjing learned the whole alphabet and some diphthongs. And you...

I won a prize, says Terence.

Oh yes, my cheese knife. Where is it? asks Katherine.

In my shorts, says Terence.

Get it out, says Katherine. That's no place for a cheese knife. It has those two upturned prongs on the end.

Terence pulls out the cheese knife. 

Give it to me, dear, says Katherine.

But it's mine, says Terence.

It needs its protective sleeve on, says Katherine. 

She feels about in her handbag.

Here it is. Hand it over.

Will I get it back? asks Terence. 

Yes, says Katherine. You'll be in charge of it until I go on my cheese tour.

Terence hands it over.

The prong ends are covered in strands of velour.

The strands are green. The colour of Jinjing in the vicinity of his button.

Perhaps this is the reason why Jinjing has not been talking.

Katherine reaches back and picks up Jinjing.

Sure enough. Two holes either side of his button.

And the button askew.

Sharp Logic

It's boring, driving to Melbourne, says Terence.

It depends on your outlook, says Katherine.

I don't have an outlook, says Terence. Can I sit in the front?

No, says Margaret, who is driving.

We're nearly there, says Katherine. Would you like another puzzle?

Only if there's a prize, says Terence.

Okay, says Katherine. Try this one. It's a logic puzzle. And if you get it right, you might win a prize.

We don't have a prize, says Margaret.

We could come up with something, says Katherine.

She hands Terence a picture puzzle.

Five red apples. Three whole ones and two with a quarter cut out. An empty box, for the answer. How many?

Use your pencil, says Katherine. Think about the answer. It could be tricky.

Terence looks at the apples.

Jinjing looks too.

There is a very long silence, long enough for Margaret to arrive in Ballarat, slow down, stop and change drivers. Now Katherine is driving.

Have you worked out the puzzle yet? asks Katherine.

Silence from the back seat. Margaret turns.

We can't agree, says Jinjing.

No prize then, says Margaret.

Five, says Terence.

Four and a half, says Jinjing.

Let me see, says Margaret. Hmm. Yes, it's not really obvious. An apple with a quarter cut out is still an apple.

Is it? says Katherine. At what point after cutting out segments does it stop being an apple?

It never stops being an apple, says Margaret.

An apple is not the same as a slice of an apple, says Katherine. Think Margaret. You have one apple. You cut out a segment. By your logic, you now have two apples.

Two pieces of apple, says Margaret.

So I win, says Terence.

Katherine would say so, says Margaret. But I would side with Jinjing.

No, you wouldn't says Katherine. Your logic would compel you to answer ...err... seven.

Nonsense, dear, says Margaret. The two missing quarters have not been depicted.

You are compelled to infer them, says Katherine.

What do I get? asks Terence.

Katherine thinks. She had been going to suggest a turn with Margaret's geology hammer. But that is now out of question.

Would you like to take charge of my cheese knife? says Katherine.

YES! says Terence. Is it sharp?

Sharp enough, says Katherine.

Not Wounds But Red Eyes

An early start.

Katherine is driving.

They pass through Murray Bridge.

Terence has learned Q R S T and no more.

Jinjing has learned the whole alphabet, and several diphthongs.

They pass through Keith.

Give him another puzzle, says Katherine, to Margaret.

I'm still working out COD and TOE, says Terence.

It's finished, says Margaret.

It doesn't make sense, says Terence. What's a COD anyway?

A fish, says Margaret.

So it wouldn't have a TOE, says Terence.

They stop in Bordertown for two quick coffees and a red drink for Terence.

Now Margaret is driving.

Here, says Katherine. Try this puzzle. Where's your pencil?

She gives Terence his new puzzle, a maze.

Help a hungry Tasmanian Devil find its food by finding your way through the maze, says Katherine.  That's the Devil. Start there.

Holy bumface! says Terence.

Terence! says Katherine. Language.

I'm allowed, says Terence..

Not by me, says Katherine. Jinjing, perhaps you could help him.

Jinjing looks at the Devil, the pathways, the food.

The food looks unappetising. Is it a dead lizard, a snake, a bêche de mer? And what are the two red lumps at the back end? Or is it the front end?

Jinjing will not help the Tasmanian Devil get to this food.

He won't, says Terence. Jinjing is refusing. I'll have to do it.

Terence gets a pencil and draws a direct line from Devil to food .

Easy-peasy, says Terence.

You crossed a whole lot of lines, says Katherine. The idea is not to.

But the Devil got there, says Terence.

No, he didn't, says Katherine.

He didn't want the food anyway, says Terence.

They are now passing Nhill.

Katherine is re-doing the maze to show Terence the right way.

See this, says Katherine. You try various routes and if you come to a barrier you retrace your steps until you finally get there. See, I've got there.

Make his food look nicer, says Terence. Otherwise it's not worth it.

Don't indulge him, Katherine, says Margaret.

But Katherine is the sort of person who likes a challenge.

The food looks enigmatic.

Is it a jellyfish with two heads and a tail curving backwards? Is it a sloth? Is it bleeding? Or are they not wounds, but red eyes?

She adds several culinary features.

Look, says Katherine. A cherry donut!

Yum! says Terence.

Margaret shakes her head as she speeds through Dimboola.

Amen Is A Vowel

Early evening.

Margaret arrives at Katherine's with Terence.

What's in the back pack? asks Katherine.

Hat and parrot, says Terence. And pencils for the secret pathway.

I hope you brought a spare pair of shorts, says Katherine.

I didn't have room, says Terence.

Tch! says Katherine. There's no time to go shopping.

Early start in the morning, says Margaret. We should turn in soon.

Hot chocolate? asks Katherine.

Yes, please, says Margaret.

They bustle about in the kitchen.

Terence opens his back pack. Jinjing falls out.

Are we there yet? says Jinjing.

We haven't started, says Terence. But we've got all these pencils.

Pencils, says Jinjing.

To help us get there, says Terence. Shall we practise?

Practise, says Jinjing. What is practise?

Over and over, says Terence. And if you get it wrong, whack! First we need paper.

Jinjing sees some papers, on a table.

Paper, says Jinjing.

Good, says Terence. He takes the top paper.

It's a puzzle, in the shape of five squares, three across and three down, sharing the square in the middle

That's the secret way to Melbourne, says Terence.

Melbourne, says Jinjing. What are those letters?

You ask too many questions, says Terence.

But even Terence can see that the outer squares contain letters.

Top letter C
Left of centre letter T
Right of centre letter E
Bottom letter D

He already knows the T one.

That's a T, says Terence. Which ones do you know?

T, says Jinjing.

You're hopeless, says Terence.

What's up? says Katherine, coming in with a mug of hot chocolate.

We're practising, says Terence.

The puzzles are for tomorrow, says Katherine. But there's no harm in doing one now. Which letter's missing from the middle?

Uh?

One letter will make two words, says Katherine. One down and one across, T something E, and C something D. What is it?

Melbourne, says Terence.

No, says Katherine. Try a vowel.

Amen, says Terence.

How is amen a vowel? says Katherine. The answer is O. And you'll start learning your alphabet tomorrow.

Secret Pathway To Melbourne

Knock knock.

Gaius opens the door.

It's Margaret.

I've come for Terence, says Margaret.

Have you?  says Gaius. You didn't need to. Arthur would have delivered him.

I thought it would be nice to catch up, says Margaret.

Of course, come in, says Gaius. I was just....

Looking for a pencil? says Margaret.

How did you know? asks Gaius.

Lucky guess, says Margaret. Here, have one of these.

She offers him a pencil, from the box she has recently purchased.

These are for Terence when we're driving to Melbourne, says Margaret. We thought he might like to do puzzles.

Terence? says Gaius.

Terence hears his name, and comes running.

I'm going on the ferry! says Terence.

Yes, with Katherine and me, says Margaret. First, we must drive to Melbourne. That's where the ferry leaves from.

When? cries Terence.

Tomorrow evening, says Margaret, inching her way past Gaius, towards the kitchen.

Hello Margaret, says Arthur.

Hello Arthur, says Margaret. I've come for Terence.

He's ready, says Arthur.

I believe he now has two parrots, says Margaret.

We'll keep one, says Gaius. Terence will take the other.

Jinjing holds his breath.

Which one is the other?

But he already knows it is him.

Well, Gaius, says Margaret. Are you going to offer me tea?

I would, says Gaius, If I had some. And Arthur has polished off the biscuits.

Water will do then, says Margaret.

A nice glass of water.

We must arrange to meet up in Tasmania, says Margaret. I shall be pottering around Rocky Cape for a while, looking for evidence of zircon minerals matching those found in North America.....

Sounds like a fool's errand, says Gaius. Arthur and I will be in the south east corner, looking for endangered birds.

Ditto, says Margaret. And when we've done our fool's errands, we must meet in the middle.

Jinjing brightens.

He'll meet Arthur again in the middle.

Can we go now? asks Terence.

In a minute, says Margaret. Don't you need to pack something?

My Peruvian hat, says Terence. And Jinjing.

Gaius hands him a back pack.

You can put these pencils in it as well, says Margaret. They're for the puzzles.

Yay! Puzzles! says Terence. What kind of puzzles?

Mazes, says Margaret.

Like amazeballs? says Terence.

No, not like amazeballs, says Margaret. A maze is like a secret pathway from one thing to another, and you have to find it, with a pencil.

Terence says nothing. But it sounds like a weird way to get to Melbourne

Hard Cheese

Later that day.

Katherine is having afternoon tea with Margaret.

Earl Grey, rock cakes, and scones.

Trust Gaius to wriggle out of it, says Margaret.

Lucky I checked, says Katherine. I nearly booked four recliners. Who knows if I would have got a refund?

So we'll be sleeping on recliners, says Margaret. Good-o!

Nothing wrong with recliners, says Katherine.

Did I indicate otherwise? says Margaret.

Just your tone, says Katherine. Have you heard bad things about the recliners?

Two Trip Adviser reviewers mentioned bed bugs, says Margaret.

Now you tell me, says Katherine.

We can always spray them, says Margaret.

Yes, we can, says Katherine. And there could just as easily be bed bugs in the cabins.

Of course, says Margaret, biting into a rock cake.

Gaius wants us to take Terence, says Katherine. Apparently he's excited about the ferry. I've agreed.

Then he can go with you on the cheese tour, says Margaret. There's no way I'm taking him to a rocky coastline, and giving him a geology hammer.

You should have said that before, says Katherine. The geology hammer is what he's most excited about.

Katherine! says Margaret. A geologist has to concentrate on her findings, not stop infants drowning or breaking off bits of themselves with a hammer.

Don't fret dear, says Katherine. He can bring a geology hammer on the cheese tour.

And hammer away to his heart's content at the cheese, says Margaret.

The two ladies laugh.

At least we'll have a car, says Margaret. They will have to hire bikes.

Yes, says Katherine. But they won't have to drive all the way to Melbourne.

Can't be helped, says Margaret. I suppose that means we'll have Terence as a passenger.

Never mind, says Katherine. We'll give him some puzzles.

Does he currently have a parrot? asks Margaret.

He has two, says Katherine.

Could be a problem, says Margaret.

Whatever the problem we can solve it, says Katherine.

Of course they can.

Margaret pours more Earl Grey tea.

Risky Love

I suppose you have many things to do, says Gaius.

I do, says Katherine. So have we decided we're taking the ferry?

Gaius looks at Arthur. Have we?

Sure, says Arthur.

Then I'll go ahead and book, says Katherine. See you all later.

She leaves.

Cheese, says Gaius. What was she talking about?

I don't know, says Arthur. Maybe she's doing a cheese tour while Margaret looks for geological evidence.

I wish I hadn't mentioned the ferry, says Gaius. The ferry docks in Devonport. Flying to Hobart would have been more convenient.

We can still fly to Hobart, says Arthur. And they'll be on the ferry.

Ah! says Gaius. The penny drops. Thank you Arthur. But the ladies won't like it.

You can say you'll meet up with them later, says Arthur.

Yes, of course. What would I do without you? says Gaius. Will you book our flights?

Is Terence coming? says Arthur.

I wonder if Terence would like to go on the ferry? says Gaius.

What did you say? asks Terence.

Would you like to go on the ferry with Katherine and Margaret? says Gaius.

YES! says Terence. I LOVE the ferry. And they'll spoil me.

Right, says Arthur.

He doesn't ask about the parrots.

Jinjing and P. krameri are talking to Baby Pierre who has arrived to pick up his bicycle.

You are lucky, says P. krameri.

Why? asks Baby Pierre.

You got your bike back, says P. krameri.

Why wouldn't I ? asks Baby Pierre.

Mouldy could have kept it, says P krameri.

Kept it, says Jinjing.

No he couldn't, says Baby Pierre. Where is Mouldy anyway?

No one knows, says P. krameri. Last seen riding through Hong Kong Airport being sprayed blue.

What on? asks Baby Pierre.

A red bike, says Jinjing.

No one asked you to say that, says P. krameri.

Woop! says Baby Pierre. Why does someone have to ask him to say stuff?

He works on a button, says P. krameri. He repeats what you say.

But he doesn't, says Baby Pierre. That implies sentience.

Not much, says P. krameri.

You don't like Jinjing do you, says Baby Pierre. I like him.

I like you, says Jinjing.

And he loves Arthur, says P.krameri, nastily.

That's risky, says Baby Pierre.

The Right Answer Is No.

Arthur does not seem inclined to get Gaius out of his pickle.

He is sitting at the kitchen table eating jam tarts and ginger biscuits.

Terence lifts Jinjing onto the table.

Jinjing inches closer to Arthur.

Yes, says Katherine, pouring the coffee, I do like Tasmania. And when Margaret expressed an interest in exploring the geology, I suggested....

What has this got to do with me? asks Gaius. Arthur and I will be looking for endangered birds.

We could share the expenses, says Katherine. Don't worry. We won't get in your hair. I shall tag along with Margaret as she searches for evidence that Tasmania was once part of Northern America.

Really? says Gaius. That hypothesis has escaped me.

It has escaped most of us, says Katherine. However there is plenty of evidence already. Ask Margaret, she'll fill you in.

No doubt she is full of it, says Gaius.

We were thinking of flying to Hobart, says Katherine.

That's unfortunate, says Gaius. We shall be taking the ferry.

Take the ferry, says Jinjing.

Arthur stops eating his biscuit.

Will you be coming? asks Arthur.

Wherever you go, says Jinjing. I love you.

What did he say? asks Terence.

I love you, says Arthur.

I know he loves me, says Terence.

P krameri is furious.

No one has asked him.

I might go with the ladies, says P. krameri.

But we need you, says Gaius.

Do you? says P. krameri.

You will be invaluable, says Gaius.

I would be invaluable to the ladies, says P. krameri.

You would be a conversation starter, says Katherine. But I'm sure Gaius needs you more than we do.

P. krameri pecks up a crumb of ginger biscuit that Arthur has dropped on the table.

He eats it.

What's this? asks Katherine, seeing Terence's sunflower seed finger for the first time.

It broke, says Terence.

It looks as though it was sprouting, says Katherine. What happened? Did the parrot eat it?

Yes, says Terence.

Although the right answer is no.

Katherine's phone rings. It's Margaret.

Hello dear, says Katherine. Yes Gaius is fine with it, but he wants to go on the ferry. Arthur is bringing a clever mechanical bird. You'll adore it. Yes, he looks well.

Katherine ends the call and smiles benignly at Gaius.

I'm really just going for the cheese, says Katherine.

Don't Let Me Go

Arthur is waiting at the airport.

Arthur! says Gaius. You came to meet us! How kind!

It is kind. What's up with Arthur?

How was your trip? asks Arthur.

Not bad, says Gaius. We missed all the chaos in Hong Kong by a whisker.

What chaos? asks Arthur, who does not watch the news.

Everyone got sprayed BLUE by the police! says Terence. Even Mouldy!

So Mouldy didn't miss it, says Arthur.  Where is he?

Not here, says Gaius We left him behind in Hong Kong.

I swapped him, says Terence.

He swapped himself, says Gaius. He's his own pebble, remember.

What did you swap him for? asks Arthur.

Jinjing, says Terence.

Hello! says P. krameri. I'm here as well!

Hello, says Arthur. Missing the Jardin des Plantes?

No. But thanks for asking, says P. krameri.

Jinjing can TALK, says Terence. You press this button.

He presses the button.

Missing the Jardin des Plantes? says Jinjing, in a parrot voice.

That's good, says Arthur. It repeats what you say.

Not always, says Gaius. We have noted it's rather more complex. It transposes pronouns, for example, and occasionally comes up with something completely new.

Let's see, says Arthur.

Terence gives Arthur Jinjing.

Jinjing looks into the blue eyes of Arthur.

Don't let me go, says Jinjing.

That's exactly the sort of thing I meant, says Gaius. No one has said don't let me go, and yet Jinjing comes out with it.

Arthur gives Jinging back to Terence.

Jinjing looks dejected. He determines to get back to Arthur as soon as he can.

Right, says P. krameri. Where are we going?

I've got Katherine's car, says Arthur. I'll drive you all back to Gaius's.

The royal treatment! says Gaius. I must say, it's good to be home.

Half an hour later, they pull up in the driveway of Gaius's house in the suburbs.

They all go inside.

Katherine is waiting in the kitchen. She puts on the kettle.

Katherine, says Gaius This is a surprise!

Arthur told me you're going to Tasmania, says Katherine.

A few things to do first, says Gaius.

Of course, says Katherine. But Margaret and I are also planning a trip to Tasmania, and wondered....

Gaius's heart sinks.

Then rises slightly.

Arthur will get him out of  this pickle.

Border Confusion

The Cathay Pacific flight from Hong Kong to Adelaide has landed.

Home at last, says Gaius.

Home at last! says Terence.

Home at last! says Jinjing.

Not for me, says P. krameri. It's a foreign country.

You'll adapt, says Gaius. That is one of your traits.

One of his trays, says Jinjing.

Gaius stands up, and lifts his backpack down from the overhead locker.

This is goodbye then, says Bing Barton. Good luck in Tassie.

Thank you, says Gaius. I expect to be lucky. My trusted right hand man has agreed to come with me. He lives a charmed life.

That's me, says Terence.

It's not you. It's Arthur, says Gaius.

A charmed life is not one of your trays, says Jinjing.

You don't know, says Terence. Hey! What did you just say?

I don't know, says Jinjing. I'm a toy parrot.

Enjoy life with your toy parrot, smiles Bing, moving forward.

He said not one of your trays, says P. krameri. And I say, forget him. I'm the real parrot.

Parakeet, says Gaius, rummaging in his back pack for his phone.

Der! says P. krameri.

Der! says Jinjing. Where is my passport?

Here, says Gaius, showing him Mouldy's parrot passport.

They disembark from the plane.

......

At Border Security.

Border Security officer: Passport!

Gaius: Here is mine. Here is Terences's. And here is the parrot passport for our parakeet, P. krameri.

Border Security officer: All in order. Welcome to Adelaide. Go through. Next!

Terence: What about Jinjing?

Border Security: That's a toy parrot, little buddy.

Terence: But he has a parrot passport.

Border Security: He's not real. Go through. Next!

Terence: Jinjing has trays.

Border Security: Trays? What are we saying?  Hey Kevin! Check out the insides of this toy parrot.

Kevin comes forward, with a knife.

He is about to rip open Jinjing.

Wah! says Terence. Don't cut him! He hasn't got trays!

What's this kerfuffle? says Gaius, turning.

Possible trays inside the toy parrot, says Kevin.

No, says Gaius. Just a button. Press it and see.

Kevin presses the button.

We all have our own trays, says Jinjing.

Indeed, says Gaius.

Show off! says Terence.

He means traits, says Gaius.

I know what traits are, says Kevin, crossly.

Go through.

Acceptance Is Not Wise In A Tunnel

Mouldy sees a sign for the Sea Bridge.

Drive from Hong Kong to China. No need to fly. No need to paddle.

Too easy, says Mouldy.

He follows the signs.

A long line of cars waits at the start of the Sea Bridge.

Mouldy gets off his blue bike.

Another cyclist is standing nearby, with his bicycle.

The cyclist bends down to scratch his ankle.

And spots Mouldy.

Macau or Zhuhai? asks the cyclist.

Beijing, says Mouldy.

You have far to go, says the cyclist. Have you done this before?

No, says Mouldy. But I thought it looked easy.

The Sea Bridge is long, says the cyclist. Thirty four miles altogether. Some parts are bridge, some parts are tunnel. And you must change which side of the road you ride on, as you cross into China.

Thirty four miles, thinks Mouldy. That's nothing.

Also, adds the cyclist, the signs are confusing.

I have learned acceptance, says Mouldy.

Acceptance is not wise in a tunnel, says the cyclist. Or on a bridge for that matter. You can tag along with me if you like.

Thank you, says Mouldy. But I warn you, I'm fast on this bicycle.

You are tiny, says the cyclist. So it will all balance out.

The traffic starts moving.

Mouldy is on the Sea Bridge to China. First stop Macau.

What is your business in Beijing? asks the cyclist.

Meeting an old friend, says Mouldy. Long story, starting with me being swapped for a parrot.

The old friend's parrot? asks the cyclist.

No, a child's toy parrot, says Mouldy.

Bad swap, says the cyclist.

I agreed to it, says Mouldy. I crave adventure.

You obviously escaped. How does that sit with acceptance? asks the cyclist.

Separated, says Mouldy. Then sprayed with blue dye at the airport. Then arrested. Then saved, by a phone call.

Who did you call? The old friend? asks the cyclist.

Sikong Shu, says Mouldy. The Middle Tang poet.

I love Middle Tang poetry, says the cyclist. Parting at a wine shop in Nanjing/ a wind bringing willow cotton sweetens the shop/ and a girl from Wu, pouring wine, urges me to share it...

Nice one, says Mouldy. Evocative.

Yes, says the cyclist.

Night falls over the Sea Bridge,
the sparkling curve of the bridge
vanishes below the surface
of the dark waters
emerging like a glow worm
far off in the distance.

Red Before This Happened

It is just as we feared.

Mouldy was sprayed with blue dye in Hong Kong and arrested.

It wasn't me! says Mouldy. I was just cycling through the airport.

The blue dye says otherwise, says the Hong Kong policeman. Blue dye equals guilty.

That's not fair, says Mouldy.

You have one phone call, says the Hong Kong policeman. Don't waste it.

Mouldy considers. Should he call Chen?

No. She is a little girl and should be protected.

Should he call Gaius?

No. Gaius will be in the air, out of reach.

Does he know anyone in Hong Kong? No. But he knows someone in China.

Sikong Shu, who returned to China with Ar-Lu-Lun, the new peacock spider.

Sikong Shu, says Mouldy. He lives in China.

What is his number? asks the Hong Kong policeman.

I don't know. But he's a famous Middle Tang poet, says Mouldy.

That Sikong Shu! says the Hong Kong policeman. Why didn't you say so?

I just said so, says Mouldy. Could you call him for me? He'll remember me falling into Lake Clifton and learning acceptance.

Is that so? says the Hong Kong policeman. After you've spoken to him, may I have a word?

Who would refuse a Hong Kong policeman?

The Hong Kong policeman searches for Sikong Shu's number and finds it quickly. He dials the number and hands Mouldy the phone.

Hello, says Sikong Shu, in China.

It's me, Mouldy, says Mouldy, in Hong Kong.

Is something amiss? asks Sikong Shu.

I'm in Hong Kong and I've just been arrested, says Mouldy.

Celestial crumpets! says Sikong Shu. What for?

Cycling though the airport and being sprayed blue, says Mouldy.

Ask if you can be expedited to China, says Sikong Shu, thinking quickly.

Okay, says Mouldy. Stay on the line. The Hong Kong policeman wants a word.

Certainly, says Sikong Shu. Put him on.

Master, says the Hong Kong policeman.

No, says Sikong Shu. This is Sikong Shu.

I have long admired you, says the Hong Kong policeman. And I was wondering if you would hear my humble poem.

Certainly, says Sikong Shu. Go ahead, I'm listening.

With no neighbour but the quiet night
Here I live in the same old cottage
And as raindrops brighten yellow leaves
The lamp illumines my white head.....

Stop, says Sikong Shu. I have heard it before.

Just checking, says the Hong Kong policeman. So, you really are the great Sikong Shu. Will you vouch for this pebble?

Certainly, says Shu. Although I knew him but briefly.

That's enough for me, says the Hong Kong policeman. He's now free to go.

Go where? asks Mouldy. I'm all alone here.

He says he's all alone here, says the Hong Kong policeman.

Tell him to come to me, says Sikong Shu. Chinese Academy of Sciences, Xiching District, Beijing.

You are most fortunate, says the Hong Kong policeman, to Mouldy.

If you say so, says Mouldy.

He cycles away on his blue bicycle that was red before all this happened.

Who Is Not Blue And Who Isn't?

Cabin lights are dimmed.

Gaius turns on his overhead light to continue reading.

The forty-spot is similar to the spotted pardalote, reads Gaius, but duller in colour. Its wings are black with white tips that give the appearance of discrete white dots when folded.

I'm now reading about the dots, says Gaius, poking P. krameri.

Yes? says P. krameri. And how many are there?

It seems that the number is closer to sixty than forty, says Gaius.

Then why not call it the sixty spotted pardalote? says P. krameri.

Perhaps it's too much of a mouthful, says Gaius.

What's the difference? says P. krameri.

I was being jocular, says Gaius. The thing is, once a name is given, it's not easy to change it.

Hum, says P. krameri.

Bing Barton is watching the news on a small screen attached to the back of the seat in front of him.

We've had a lucky escape, says Bing Barton.

Trouble in Hong Kong? asks Gaius.

Yes, look, says Bing Barton. The airport is being targeted by the protesters again. It's chaos.

Dear me, says Gaius. I hope Mouldy is safe.

Mouldy likes danger, says Terence.

Then Mouldy should be.... jumping Jupiter! Is that Mouldy?

Gaius has seen something disturbing on Bing Barton's screen.

Terence cranes over.

That's not Mouldy. He's BLUE!

No, says Gaius. There is surely only one bicycle-riding pebble in Hong Kong.

Two! cries Terence. Mouldy and a blue one.

The police have been spraying the protesters with blue dye, says Bing Barton. That could explain it.

Blue dye? says Gaius. That is clever.

So you know that pebble? asks Bing Barton.

He's on my team! says Terence. He was the smart one.

The smart one, says Jinjing.

Not like YOU, says Terence.

Not like ME, says Jinjing, But who is not blue and who isn't?

Remarkable! Jinjing has not only switched a pronoun correctly, but added a sentence.

Who is not blue and who isn't? He's right! says Terence. Jinjing is smarter!

Who is not blue? says P. krameri. That refers to Jinjing. So far, so smart, But who isn't? It's the same question.

No need to be pedantic, says Gaius. We all know what Jinjing means.

Where did you get that toy parrot? asks Bing. It's a corker!

Jinjing doesn't know the word corker. But the tone is admiring.

He is pleased to be labelled a corker.