What Clowns Know

 Gaius has asked Denis Diderot to accompany him to Adelaide, and thence to Port Lowly.

Denis Diderot has agreed.

Am I coming? asks Terence.

Certainly, says Gaius. Lately you've been very helpful.

And now I've got my glowing finger I'll be even more helpful, says Terence.

While it lasts, says Saint Roley.

Will Roo-kai find me another one? asks Terence.

If he hasn't found your claw or your finger, says Saint Roley. Otherwise, tell him to look for a clown.

I don't like clowns, says Terence.

No one does, says Saint Roley. But they know where to buy red noses and glowing fingers.

Okay, says Terence. 

Now I'm heading back to Saint Malo, says Saint Roley. So this is goodbye.

Goodbye, says Terence. 

All right then, says Saint Roley. Goodbye.

He walks out of the café on his orange feet, and takes flight in a north-westerly direction.

Is that where he last saw his brother? asks Sweezus.

Yes, says Gaius. Floating off on the cardboard towards the horizon.

Couldn't the brother fly? asks Sweezus.

 Could, but apparently didn't, says Gaius. Put his faith in the pointing finger.

Shit, says Sweezus. Weird how a bird would do that.

David and I have a train to catch, says Vello. So we too must leave you.

Good luck breaking into your chateau, says Denis Diderot.

Thank you Denis, says Vello. And thanks for your work on the Tour. That chicken mask was quite amusing, in hindsight.

Nice of you to say so, says Denis Diderot.

It is, agrees Vello.

They shake hands, and Vello and David head out of the café.

We'd better go too, says Sweezus. Catching the train to Marseille.

Don't forget to keep in touch with the office, says Belle.

As if, says Sweezus.

He and Arthur leave the café and head to the station.

'As if 'could be taken two ways, observes Denis Diderot.

I know, says Belle. 

The waiter comes by, with the bill.

Two rounds of crepes for seven people, a jus de cassis, and seven coffees.

Two hundred and forty three euros.

Paris prices! says Denis Diderot, looking at Gaius.

Let's split it three ways, says Belle. And I'll chase up the others for their share.

Saint Roley didn't have anything, says Terence.

That does make it simpler, says Belle.

At The Loose End

Coffee anyone? asks Denis Diderot.

Why not, sys Vello. This may be our last meeting for quite some time.

Indeed, says Gaius. Mine's an espresso.

Denis calls a waiter and orders the coffees. 

What can I have? asks Terence.

You've already had chocolate curls, says Belle.

They're not going anywhere, says Terence.

He shows her his tongue.

She frowns. She should have realised that the chocolate curls would remain there.

Okay, says Belle. A red drink should fix it.

She calls the waiter.

Un jus de cassis, s'il vous plait, says Belle.

Oui, bien sur, says the waiter.

Plans, Denis? asks Vello.

Not at present. I'm at a loose end, says Denis Diderot.

Which end is loose? asks Terence.

This end, says Denis. Which is the present. What I mean is, I'm open to suggestions.

You could always come to Ferney with David and me, says Vello. But it may not suit you.

Why not? asks Denis Diderot.

Last time we visited Vello's old chateau we had to break in, says David.

Why was that? asks Denis Diderot.

It's open to the public says Vello. And they lock it at night.

You should let them know you're coming, says Belle.

Where's the fun in that? says Vello. There'd be endless formalities.

Denis does not like the sound of breaking into Vello's old chateau, or the alternative, an announced arrival with endless formalities, and himself as hanger-on. Non merci.

Do you have plans, Sweezus? asks Denis.

Me and Arthur are going to Marseille, says Sweezus.

Are you? says Vello. How long for?

Just a couple of days, says Sweezus.

Someone needs to be in the office, says Vello.

You know he could do it from Marseille? says Belle. It's an online magazine so why does Sweezie even need to be in the office?

Yeah, says Sweezus. I could do it like, in the evenings.

Vello looks doubtful. 

What about you Gaius? asks Denis Diderot.

The algal bloom beckons, says Gaius. 

That sounds intriguing, says Denis Diderot.

It's a natural disaster in South Australian waters, says Gaius. It's killing the marine life.

Nasty, says Denis Diderot. Has anyone tried vinegar?

One would need a great deal of vinegar, says Gaius. 

I was joking, says Denis Diderot.

Oh, I see, says Gaius. But it's not funny for the marine life. I hear the sepia apama might be affected.

The giant cuttlefish in the Upper Spencer Gulf? says Denis Diderot.

Impressive, that you should know, says Gaius.

Comes from writing an encyclopedia, says Denis Diderot.

Gaius wonders if Denis might like to accompany him to Whyalla.

Denis wonders if Gaius is going to ask him.

Whose Would You Lick?

The crepes au chocolat have arrived at the table.

Everyone is eating again.

Except Terence who isn't allowed to.

Can I at least lick the chocolate, asks Terence.

No better not, says Belle. Whose chocolate would you lick anyway?

He could lick mine, says Sweezus. 

Now? asks Terence.

Later, says Sweezus.

Then there'll be none left, says Terence.

Yeah, says Sweezus, but I don't want you licking my chocolate before I've finished.

He could use his finger, says Gaius. 

Terence dips his finger into Sweezus's crepe au chocolat.

It turns brown.

The finger, that is.

Now he can lick it.

But what about the battery inside?

What's the matter? asks Saint Roley.

Nothing, says Terence. 

Something is, says Saint Roley. I know that face.

I might get a shock, says Terence. AND my finger's stopped glowing.

Give it to me, says Belle. I'll scrape the chocolate onto my plate.

Terence gives Belle the finger.

She starts scraping.

Little curls of chocolate drop onto her plate.

Now, says Belle. You can have these. They won't hurt you.

Terence licks the little curls of chocolate.

Will they melt on his tongue?

No, they just sit there. 

Curling.

So much for that, says Vello. Are we all done here?

No, says Gaius. Arthur hasn't presented his poem.

I wasn't going to bother, says Arthur.

You are going to bother, says Sweezus. I'm in the lead so far.

Are you? says Gaius. That's not how I see it. 

Let me be the judge, says Saint Roley.

You ARE the judge, says Denis Diderot. Although I don't see how a bird can judge poetry.

Saint Roley ignores this rude comment.

Arthur delivers his poem: Island

Resembling an island / passed by flocks of spotted birds with beaks of yellow/ I cycle on/ while in my wake drowned men sink backwards.

Woah! says Sweezus. Good one, Arthur. Drowned men sink backwards.

The cyclist as an island, says Gaius. That's just how it feels. A fine conceit, Arthur.

It looks like Arthur might have a good chance of winning.

Everyone looks at Saint Roley.

Saint Roley thinks: Birds with beaks of yellow. Did he include that because I was judging? If so why not choose orange? But perhaps I'm too harsh.

Arthur wins, says Saint Roley.

The Final Surprise

Team Condor and Team Philosophe are eating savoury crepes in a cafe.

Another Tour de France over, says Vello.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Now we can relax.

But not for long, says Vello. Not you anyway.

Why what's up? asks Sweezus. 

I'm going to take a little holiday, says Vello.

All right for some, says Denis Diderot.

I'm sure you can afford a holiday, says Vello.

No one reads my encyclopedia these days, says Denis.

I do, says Gaius.

Apart from you, says Denis. And I must make a living.

Tap tap!

Saint Roley is outside the cafe, looking in.

Can Saint Roley come in? asks Terence.

I'll go and get him, says Belle.

She goes out to escort Saint Roley back to their table.

Did you get my new finger? asks Terence.

I did, says Saint Roley. This one has a new battery.

Yay! says Terence. How long will it go for?

It should last till you get back to Adelaide, says Saint Roley.

Then what? asks Terence.

Roo-kai might have found your old claw, says Saint Roley.

Terence loves his glowing finger, says Belle.

But it is unsustainable, says Saint Roley.

It was in Gaius's poem, in his language, says Terence. 

Did he win? asks Saint Roley.

We don't know yet, says David. We haven't heard Sweezus's poem, or Arthur's.

Who's judging? asks Saint Roley.

How about you do it, says Sweezus.

Okay, says Saint Roley. 

More crepes anyone? asks David.

Yes, please!  David summons a waiter.

Crepes au chocolat pour tout le monde, says David. 

Oui, bien sur, says the waiter.

I'll go first says Sweezus. My poem's called The Final Surprise.

He continues: 

Moules frites, potjevleesch/  potted meat with fries/ cabbage soup with chicken/ octopus pies/ fricadelles, raclettes/ savoy cake that flies/ into the skies/ as a final surprise.

I like it, says Saint Roley. Especially the moules and the flies.

Flies is a verb, says Sweezus. The CAKE flies.

Even better, says Saint Roley.

Arthur realises he has little chance of winning the poetry competition.

Stage 21: Mantes-la-Ville to Paris - Exhilarating

The final stage. At last!

And not a day too soon.

I'll be glad when this is over, says Sweezus.

You're doing all right, says Arthur. 

Yes, we've all made a good effort, says Gaius.

Now we just need an unbiased judgement, says Sweezus.

What are we talking about? asks Gaius.

The poetry competition, says Arthur. Who's going first?

Shouldn't we wait until the race is over? asks Gaius.

Yeah maybe, says Sweezus. Where are we going again?

You know, says Arthur. Three times up the Col de la Butte Montmartre.

Three freaking times, says Sweezus. What's the point of it?

To make it more exhilarating, says Gaius. 

They ride on. 

They are nowhere near Montmartre.

They draw level with Team Philosophe.

How's the famous poetry competion going? asks Vello.

Mine is complete, says Gaius. Would you like to hear it?

Yes, says David. Is it in Latin?

It is, says Gaius. I find I do my best poetry in Latin. Not that I do much. But I once wrote fine poem about boating restrictions.

I don't think I know that one, says Denis.

Naves non licet/ In regione flava/ Signum non leget/ Non ante naves, says Gaius.

That's quite good, says Denis Diderot. Licet and leget. Naves and naves.

Don't pretend you're an expert, says Vello.

It's those clever repetitions, says Denis Diderot.

Thank you Denis, says Gaius. My latest effort is perhaps not up to that standard.

Spit it out anyway, says Vello.

Digitus lucens/ In summo montis/ Cibum tenens/ Me mirat, says Gaius.

What's it mean? asks Sweezus. Arthur come on, you're good at Latin.

A glowing finger at the summit holding the food surprises me, says Arthur.

Cool! says Sweezus. That's kind of in the moment.

So it is, says Vello. Very good Gaius. I think you should win.

Hey? says Sweezus.

You mean the poetry competition? asks Gaius.

Of course, says Vello. None of us is likely to win the stage. We're at the back already.

Crumbs! Vello is right! They had better get a move on.

Pedal, pedal, puff, puff.

At last they are in Paris.

There are Parisians everywhere especially on Montmartre.

Cheering.

Who for? 

Wout van Aert, who has triumphed in an exhilarating finish.

And Tadej Pogacar has retained the yellow jersey to win his fourth Tour de France.

Or something.

Stage 20: Nantua to Pontarlier - Feathers

A hilly stage, no more cruel mountains.

Good chance for attackers today.

Alas, at the start, it is raining.

The riders ride out from Nantua, past a beautiful lake.

Breakaways form.

Various riders try to go out solo.

And are reeled in.

It's not long before everyone is hungry.

Where's this feeding station? grumbles Vello.

Can't be far off, says David.

I'll find out, says Denis Diderot.

He taps Lenny Martinez, who is passing.

How far to the feeding station? asks Denis Diderot.

Looking for chickenfeed? asks Lenny.

This is unfair. Denis is not wearing his chicken mask.

That was a private joke between me and my team mates, says Denis Diderot.

Everyone saw you, says Lenny.

My joke fell flat, says Denis Diderot. They didn't believe I was Remco.

Ha ha! As if! laughs Lenny.

He speeds off, to try and go solo.

Find anything out? asks David.

Up ahead, says Denis Diderot.

But how far? asks Vello.

Lenny wouldn't tell me, says Denis.

It turns out not to matter.

The feeding station is here.

And Terence is holding out the musettes, on his dimly glowing finger.

Saint Roley is off somewhere, trying to cadge another one, from a clown.

What have we here? asks Vello.

Diots! shouts Belle.

What did she call us? asks Denis.

Diots are sausages, says Vello. Spiced with nutmeg. Very nice too.

And delicious Bresse chicken! shouts Belle.

O joy! says Vello. Bresse chicken. The best! 

And Savoy cake! shouts Belle in a tiny voice as they vanish into the distance. 

And another thing, which they do not hear.

But Kaden Groves is behind them and he has heard it.

He speeds up, and passes on the message.

Don't let your cake get away, says Kaden Groves, zooming past them.

How could it? asks Vello.

But Kaden can't answer that question. 

And so when Team Philosophe open their musettes the Savoy cakes ( light as feathers ) take wing and fly into the Jura mountains.

In other news, Kaden Groves goes on to win the stage solo, in Pontarlier.

Stage 19: Albertville to la Plagne - Chicken Mask

Guess what? Stage 19 has been shortened, due to contagious nodular dermatitis.

In cows, not the riders.

But you can't be too careful.

Shorter. That's good. The tour is already seeming too long.

The teams exit the charming town of Albertville.

Team Philosophe is pretending things are normal.

But things are not.

Denis Diderot has turned up today dressed as a chicken.

Not a whole chicken. That would make cycling awkward. 

But wearing a chicken mask.

Denis you fool, says Vello. What do you think you're achieving?

York-squork! says Denis Diderot. It's not me.

Who is it then? asks David.

Remco Evenepoel, squawks the chicken.

Didn't he abandon in stage 14? asks David.

But I didn't go home, says the chicken.

Does he sound like Remco to you? asks Vello.

No, he sounds like a chicken, says David. Are there rules against this?

No rules against chicken masks! squawks the chicken.

Tim Merlier speeds by, but not before noticing.

Great chicken mask, Denis, says Tim Merlier.

Vello is relieved. Tim would have recognised Remco.

Wouldn't he?

Team Philosphe continues without speaking or squawking.

The crowd loves them!

Some even have placards that say Go Chicken!!!!

The fans wearing chicken costumes feel expecially elated.

Even the yellow hat-wearers feel somehow involved.

At the feeding station, Belle waits with Terence and Saint Roley.

My glowing finger needs a new battery, says Terence.

I don't know if the batteries are replaceable, says Saint Roley.

Wah! says Terence. I LOVE this finger!

Along come Sweezus, Arthur and Gaius.

Belle hands them their musettes.

Quenelles! shouts Belle. Filled with creamed fish!

Sounds awesome! shouts Sweezus.

How's the poetry comp going? shouts Belle.

Up the hairy mountain, down the slushy glen, shouts Sweezus.

Belle laughs. 

He's in a good humour.

And here comes Team Philosophe.

Why is Denis Diderot wearing a chicken mask?

How will he eat his quenelle?

He lifts it. To reveal his identity. It is Denis.

Everyone is happy about the stage being shorter.

The leaders are approaching La Plagne.

And they are: Thymen Arensman, Jonas Vingegaard, Tadej Pogacar, Florian Lipowitz and Oscar Onley.

No, Oscar Onley is dropped.

Will Arensman keep his lead or be overtaken by one of the others?

No, he wins by two seconds!

And Vingo comes second, followed closely by Pogacar.

Good. The shortened king stage is done.

Stage 18: Vif to Col de la Loze - Glowing

A three HC mountains stage. 

This will be cruel.

The teams roll out of Vif.

This is the last thing I feel like doing, says Denis Diderot.

Let's hope it isn't, says Vello.

If only I could get someone to ride in my place, says Denis Diderot.

That would be difficult, says David. Unless he was dressed as a chicken

Or a gorilla, says Vello.

Denis Diderot laughs, but these ideas set him thinking.

If you're contemplating something foolish, think again, says Vello.

It may not be so foolish, says Denis Diderot. But it's too late to try it today.

A breakaway is forming.

Are we trying for the breakaway? asks David.

No, says Vello. We'll just stay with the peloton, and try not to drop off the end.

A fine ambition, says David.

They have crested the Col du Glandon, and are now speeding down.

They pass Sweezus who is trying to do up his jacket.

You're supposed to put it on before the summit, puffs Vello.

You don't say, says Sweezus. I only just got it.

Did Belle give it to you? asks Vello, but his question is blown away by the strong mountain winds.

At the summit behind them, Belle and Terence are waiting for Arthur.

Here comes Arthur now.

How's Sweezie going? asks Belle.

Good, says Arthur. We're having a poetry competition to take our mind off the mountain.

Great idea, says Belle. See you at the feeding station.

Arthur speeds down the the slopes to catch up with his captain.

Gaius comes next.

Look! says Terence. I've got a new finger!

He holds up his new finger, which glows red at the tip.

Wonderful, puffs Gaius.

Are you in the poetry competion? asks Belle.

Yes, says Gaius. I'm planning to compose my poem in Latin.

Good luck then, says Belle. Only two more mountains to go.

Gaius speeds down the Col du Glandon, contemplating Terence's finger.

It's good to have something to divert one's mind from the future.

It should have a place in his poem. Digitus lucens. Arthur will be astonished.

Unless he saw it too.

Two more mountains to go.

On th Col de la Madeleine, Vingegaard goes over the top ahead of Pogacar.

But on the Col de la Loze, Ben O'Connor goes solo at 16 k from the finish, to win the queen stage.

Good for him.

Pogacar has to make do with second, while you-know-who has to make do with third.

Stage 17: Bollène to Valence - Tartiflette

A flat stage.

Last chance for the sprinters.

Not us, says Vello. Today we'll remain at the back.

When do we ever not do that? asks Denis Diderot.

Be fair, says David. We've made our way to the middle, on several occasions.

I don't see why we can't try, says Denis Diderot. The people would like it.

They like us anyway, says Vello. Hear them cheering!

They would cheer a gorilla, says Denis Diderot.

They would NOT, says Vello. 

I wonder, says David.

He makes gorilla noises.

Stop it! says Vello.

But the crowd has gone mad.

A Team Philosophe rider made gorilla noises! 

Hoo-hoo! Uh-uh! Or something like that.

Belle and Terence are waiting at the feed station.

Terence hold out the musettes on his twig.

Denis Diderot grabs one.

He has forgotten to be careful.

The twig breaks off and the musettes fall to the ground.

Wah! cries Terence. I knew it!

Belle kicks the musettes out of the way of the on-coming riders.

Avoiding a crash.

A few riders give Belle the thumbs up.

Team Philosophe has stopped up ahead.

They are not going to miss eating because of a twig.

Belle runs up to where they are waiting.

Thanks, dear, says Vello What's in it?

Tartiflette, says Belle.

One of my favourites, says Vello. I hope it's not ruined.

It shouldn't be, says Belle. By the way, it's raining at the finish. 

Curses, says Vello. Have we got rain jackets?

No, says Belle. Now get going, before you're disqualified.

Team Philosophe pushes off, leaving the delicious aroma of baked potatoes with reblochon cheese, lardons and onions drifting behind them.

Up ahead, near the finish, yes! It is raining.

In the final kilometre, there has been a crash.

The sprinters who have not been affected speed up, looking for victory.

One accelerates, then another, and another.

Will it be Jonthan Milan or someone no one has heard of?

No, not someone no one has heard of.

It is Jonathan Milan.

Stage 16: Montpellier to Mont Ventoux - Finger

Stage 16 is flat till the last part. 

Then a challenging climb to the finish.

After two hours, there are 32 riders in the breakaway.

Sweezus and Arthur are not amongst them.

Sweezus is looking gloomy.

What's up? asks Arthur.

Everything, says Sweezus.

But your nose has stopped running, says Arthur.

Yeah it has, says Sweezus. That cabbage soup helped.

So what else? asks Arthur.

I might not have the legs, says Sweezus.

For Mont Ventoux? says Arthur.

Yeah, says Sweezus.

You've always had them before, says Arthur.

Remember that pie? says Sweezus.

The tomato and octopus pie? asks Arthur. 

No, the one yesterday, says Sweezus. The one that looke like a cotton reel.

I ate four, says Arthur.

What a guts! says Sweezus. All that mutton.

It was good, says Arthur.

Yeah, but mutton, says Sweezus. That's what I am. No longer a lamb.

A lamb couldn't climb Mont Ventoux, says Arthur. 

That's not very helpful, says Sweezus. 

Come on. Focus, says Arthur, leading him out.

Focus. That is more helpful. Sweezus pedals harder. 

Arthur keeps the wind off. Also helpful.

Back down the road,  Team Philosophe is in a better mood.

Vello: A twig! For a finger!

Denis Diderot: Ha ha!

David: And Terence looked pleased.

Vello: He'll be pleased until it breaks at the first hurdle.

Denis Diderot: Which might be today. Did Gaius use his famous fish glue?

Vello: No doubt. He never goes anywhere without it.

David: We'd better be careful when we grab our musettes. 

They agree, and resolve to be careful.

But let's not hang about back here.

Things are happening on Mont Ventoux.

Vingegaard has attacked with 8.5 k to go, and Pogacar has followed.

But they aren't at the front.

That would be Ben Healy and Valentin Paret-Peintre. 

They attack again and again, while making no difference.

This is exciting! 

Nearly there! Healy launches! But Paret-Peintre passes him in the last 100 metres. 

Super! A win by a Frenchman!

Rest day : Montpellier - Running Path

Monpellier. Parc du Domaine.

Team Philosophe and Team Condor are enjoying their rest day picnic.

The food is laid out on a picnic rug, under a tree.

This looks interesting, says Vello, picking up a pastry.

It's a Zézette de Sète, says Belle. 

Zet-de-set! says Terence. Can I have one?

No one can have one, says Belle. Not yet. Savouries first.

Is this thing savoury? asks Sweezus.

It's a fougasse, says Belle. Bread baked with bacon, pepper and spices.

Sweezus takes a big slice.

Arthur picks up a small pie, shaped like a cotton reel.

That's a petit paté de Pézenas, says Belle. Filled with mutton.

Arthur takes a big bite.

What's a mutton? asks Terence.

Lamb that is no longer young, says Vello.

Everyone thinks about that definition. 

Any wine? asks David.

Of course, says Belle. This is an Abracadabra, fron Chemin de Rèves, or you might like to try their rosé. 

Soon everyone is drinking, and eating bacon-stuffed bread, and the mutton-filled pies.

Terence is bored.

How about a run along the running path? says Saint Roley.

Don't go too near the river, warns Belle.

Terence and Saint Roley start off down the running path.

Saint Roley flies low above Terence. 

I thought you'd be Roo-kai, says Terence.

Are you disappointed? asks Saint Roley.

He might still be coming, says Terence.

Unlikely, says Saint Roley. What were you expecting?

Terence is puffing.

Do I have to keep running? asks Terence.

Slow down, says Saint Roley.

I lost my claw, says Terence. Rookai went back to find it.

It may be waiting for you when you get home, says Saint Roley. 

Or a finger, says Terence.

Your original finger? asks Saint Roley.

I'll be sad if I get that back, says Terence, because it would mean something bad.

What? asks Saint Roley.

My blood brother died, says Terence.

Maybe he would only have lost it, says Saint Roley.

Nobody thinks so, says Terence.

What a situation, says Saint Roley. It reminds me of my own sorrow.

Terence stops running.

Can we go back now? asks Terence.

You go back, says Saint Rroley. I'll poke about a bit, by the river.

Okay, says Terence.

He runs back to the others along the running path.

They are just starting to eat the Zézettes.

He is not allowed one.

But yay! Belle has brought a Ribena.

Stage 15: Muet to Carcassonne - Attack

A hilly stage, a good day for attackers.

Of which there are many.

At 17k there's a crash, due to the battles.

Vingegaard and Lipowitz are affected, but make their way back to the bunch.

Team Condor keeps to the back.

You okay? asks Arthur.

Bit of a sniffle, says Sweezus.

Cabbage soup, says Gaius. I recommend it.

Where'm I going to get cabbage soup out here? asks Sweezus.

He sneezes.

Two riders in front of him look over their shoulders, and speed up.

We'll get dropped at this rate, says Arthur.

No we won't, says Gaius. Follow me, men.

He shoots forward.

Go on, says Arthur. I've got your back.

Sweezus wipes his nose on his forearm, and follows Gaius. 

They are right behind Styven, Simmons and Storer on the Cote de St-Ferréol.

Sweezus sneezes again. This makes the attackers go faster, and leave them behind.

A good try, says Gaius. But your sneezes aren't helping. Have you got one of those nose things?

They're meant to keep your nose open, says Sweezus. What good would that do?

Stuff will drip out, says Arthur. 

Better than sneezing, says Gaius. 

Yeah right, sniffs Sweezus. But I haven't got one.

Belle, Terence and Saint Roley are waiting at the feeding station.

Poor Sweezie woke up with a sniffle, says Belle.

No raincoat yesterday, says Saint Roley.

Boo! says Terence. I want him to win.

This should help, says Belle, handing three musettes to Terence.

Terence holds them out. 

You don't really need a new finger, says Saint Roley.

I will AFTER! says Terence.

Here comes Gaius, followed by Sweezus.

Gaius grabs his musette.

Not cabbage soup by any chance? shouts Gaius.

As good as! shouts Belle. It's garbure!

Sweezus grabs his. 

It's cabbage and chicken soup! shouts Belle.

How the fuck...? shouts Sweezus.

What does he mean?

How did she know? Or how is he meant to eat it?

Probably the latter.

It is in a plastic bottle with a lid.

He unscrews it. 

Takes a big gulp.

Good on her, it's a purée. 

He feels better.

Not that much better. His nose it still dripping. 

But hey.

Team Condor goes on to finish creditably in Carcassonne, somewhere in the middle.

And who has won?

Tim Wellens, who soloed for over 40k down the Col de Fontbruno, feeling his moment had come.

Stage 14: Pau to Luchon - Coddling

A hard day ahead in the mountains, with drizzle.

Remco Evenepoel abandons.

On the Col de Tourmalet, Lenny Martinez goes solo.

He pulls on a rain jacket.

Sweezus and Arthur are in the breakaway, a long way behind Lenny.

Have we got rain jackets? asks Sweezus.

Don't know. Have we? asks Arthur.

Belle's up ahead, says Gaius. Maybe she'll have them.

She does.

But they are for Team Philosophe.

Sorry guys, shouts Belle. They're for papa's team.

But we were here first! shouts Sweezus.

They're older! shouts Belle. They need them more than you do!

She's right, says Gaius. Although perhaps not in my case.

They keep riding, without jackets, into the mist.

I feel bad about that, says Belle, but they should've thought about rain jackets.

It's not even raining, says Terence.

Jackets keep them warm on the descent, says Saint Roley. In the old days, riders used newspaper.

Weren't jackets invented? asks Terence.

I'm sure they were, says Belle, but riders were different in those days. More independent.

Yes, none of this coddling, says Saint Roley.

What's coddling? asks Terence.

Being overprotective, says Belle. Or cooking an egg gently without boiling the water.

Alas! says Saint Roley.

Sorry, says Belle. I shouldn't have mentioned the egg.

Vello and David pedal up to them, puffing.

Rain jackets! says Belle.

Thanks dear, says Vello, stopping to put his on.

I've got one for Denis as well, says Belle. Where is he?

Coming, says David, also stopping. 

I see him! shouts Terence.

For goodness sake, says Belle. Is that an umbrella?

Denis has unfurled an umbrella. 

The fans are cheering him on. An umbrella. How cheeky! 

He stops. 

Ditch the umbrella! hisses Vello. You'll get us disqualified!

Denis grins at the spectators. Who wants it?

A child comes forward, for the valuable prize.

Denis slips on his rain jacket, and Team Philosophe forges forward.

Lucky the cameras weren't on them while that happened.

The cameras are on Lenny Martinez, being caught by Kuss and Pare-Peintre on the descent to Arreau.

And then on Peyresourde, where Arensman goes solo.

Also on Vingegaard trying to pass Poggy.

He passes. But Poggy speeds up.

Arensman wins though, and Poggy is obliged to come second, with Vingegaard third.

Stage 13: Loudenvielle to Peyragudes - Octopus

Individual time trials. Up a mountain!

Not all riders look forward to today.

I'm not looking forward to today, says Vello.

Think beyond it, says David.

That's not like you, says Vello. 

If I thought like me I wouldn't do it, says David.

But we can't not do it, says Denis Diderot.

I know, says Vello. Any ideas?

A reward at the end, says Denis Diderot. And it's already ordered.

Is this one of your jokes? asks David.

Not at all, says Denis Diderot. Our reward awaits at the top of Peyragudes. That's a promise.

Team Philosophe goes down the chute early, as might be expected.

First goes David.

He shoots out and pedals hard along the first two flat kilometres before the climb starts.

Fans in yellow hats and spotted teeshirts line the way, shouting, beeping and clapping.

David ignores them.

He is not into rewards, but today, he must act as a person who, while he does not know what the reward is, will do his utmost to achieve it. It can't be that hard.

Vello goes down the chute next.

He waves to the fans in the yellow hats and polkadot teeshirts. What fools mortals be!

The uphill begins.

He thinks of Denis Diderot's history of playing jokes on his friends. Perhaps the reward will be something silly. But no, in the circumstances it would be wiser to trust him. Until the finish. 

Denis Diderot goes next.

He hears the applause of the crowds. Yes, they know who he is! Denis! Denis! And look! There is some idiot dressed as a chicken. Which reminds him of the reward waiting in Peyragudes at the finish. Although it isn't a chicken. He ordered it specially, from Sété. Tomato and octopus pie. 

Over half an hour later, (well over), all of Team Philosophe have arrived at the finish.

Terence is waiting with Belle.

Yay! says Terence. You beat all the good riders!

That's not how it works, says Belle.

Anything to eat? asks Vello.

Denis has ordered a surprise, says Belle. 

She opens a brown paper bag to reveal a tomato and octopus pie.

They move away from the finish line, to eat it.

And another surprise also happens.

A parrot flies down.

But it isn't a parrot. 

Could it be Roo-kai? 

No it isn't him either.

It's Saint Roley!

Do I smell octopus pie? asks Saint Roley.

He is offered a tiny cooked octopus, from the heart of the pie.

Was it YOU that was coming? asks Terence.

Yes, says Saint Roley. 

What a lovely surprise, says Belle.

A day of surprises, says Vello. Denis and his pie. And now you.

It is true.

But at the end of the day there's no surprise about who wins the individual time trial in the mountains.

Needless to say, it's Pogacar, with Vingegaard second.

Stage 12: Auch to Hautacam - Duck

Today is a mountain stage, starting in Auch.

Terence and Belle watch the start, from a picturesque staircase.

Terence looks gloomy.

I waited and waited, says Terence.

Don't worry, says Belle. He might turn up today, in the mountains.

Terence brightens. Yes! Roo-kai might turn up today.

The teams ride out of Auch.

Soon a breakway forms, of fifty two riders.

All thinking of their chances.

Sweezus and Arthur are in it. 

What did they say? asks Arthur.

They gave me a caution, says Sweezus. 

I thought sticky handlebars weren't illegal, says Arthur,

They're not, but you're meant to clean them as soon as possible, says Sweezus.

Which we didn't, says Arthur.

Yeah, but luckily it was hot yesterday and the stickiness had dried before the inspection, says Sweezus.

In a way lucky, says Arthur. It was actually annoying. Little crackly bits of dried food on the handlebars.

Yep, I pointed that out, says Sweezus. And also there was something else in our favour.

What? asks Arthur.

The cod brandade yesterday, says Sweezus. Belle gave it to us in a squeeze tube.

I didn't think it seemed normal, says Arthur.

It wasn't, says Sweezus, but good on her. It showed we were trying.

Yes, good on her, says Arthur.

They catch up with Wout van Aert, who gives them a thumbs up.

And then Remco Evenepoel.

Good chances today, says Remco.

What's everyone so happy about? asks Gaius, catching up with his team mates.

Pogacar might feel a bit ordinary, says Sweezus. After his crash yesterday.

I wouldn't bank on it, says Gaius.

They arrive at the feed station. 

Belle and Terence have just arrived on the scooter.

Terence holds out the musettes.

Another squeeze tube? shouts Sweezus.

Sorry, yes! shouts Belle. Magret de canard!

It would normally look like tender slices of duck breast resting on a bed of soft white Tarbes beans.

But inside the squeeze tube some of the textures are missing.

As if that isn't bad enough, Gaius turns out to be right about Tadej Pogacar.

Tadej shoots up to Hautacam, two minutes and eleven seconds ahead of his rival Jonas Vingegaard, winning the stage and regaining the yellow jersey.

Good for Tadej!

But he does look a little bit tired.

 

Stage 11: Toulouse to Toulouse - Cod Bandaid

A flat stage from Toulouse to Toulouse.

Terence waits at the start.

Sweezus is warming up, near him.

Ha ha! says Terence. You're not going anywhere.

Yeah, we are, says Sweezus. It's a long circuit.

Anyway, says Terence. I'm not going anywhere.

How come? asks Sweezus.

Belle says I don't have to, says Terence.

What about the musettes? asks Sweezus.

She's doing it, says Terence. Guess what you're getting?

What? asks Sweezus.

Cod bandaid, says Terence.

Better not be, says Sweezus.

Beep! Time to head to the start.

Ben Healy goes past him.

Then Wout van Aert.

Hey, Sweezo, says Wout van Aert, I hear you guys are trying out sticky handlebars.

Who told you that? asks Sweezus.

Just a rumour, says Wout van Aert.

It's not illegal, says Sweezus.

Sure, says Wout van Aert. 

Or perhaps it was more of a question.

But they are now out of earshot of Terence.

Terence does not care anyway. 

He is excited. He will be in Toulouse by himself.

Roo-kai will surely turn up today.

The flag falls. The teams roll out of Toulouse.

Arthur and Gaius are riding either side of Sweezus.

People are talking, says Gaius.

What about? asks Arthur.

The handlebars, says Gaius. 

They're not even that sticky, says Sweezus.

I wonder what's in our musettes, says Arthur.

He already feels hungry.

Terence reckons it's cod bandaid, says Sweezus. 

That does sound sticky, says Gaius. And not in a good way.

Luckily, when they arrive at the feeding station, the musettes do not contain cod bandaid. 

Cod brandade! shouts Belle. Speciality of the region! Enjoy!

Oh yes! Whipped salt cod with puréed potatoes, olive oil, garlic and cream.

In a squeeze tube.

So Team Condor will not get their fingers sticky.

It's a hot day, and the riders are steaming.

Tadej Pogacar crashes. Gets up and back on.

A breakaway that formed at the beginning continues to lead all the way to the finish.

It's Jonas Abrahamsen and Mauro Schmid, battling for the stage win.

Abrahamsen gets it, by not much. 

Rest Day: Toulouse - Golden Apples

At last, a rest day, in Toulouse.

Belle has invited Team Philosophe and Team Condor to a picnic in the Jardin des Plantes.

Sweezus, Arthur, Gaius and Terence have arrived early.

Terence has his eye on the sky.

Roo-kai may be coming.

Where are we meeting? asks Gaius.

By the statue of Hippomène, says Sweezus.

How appropriate, says Gaius.

They have a map, so they soon find the statue.

Ten minutes later, Belle arrives with Denis Diderot.

They are carrying baskets.

Belle spreads out a rug.

Who's for a glass of Negrette? asks Belle.

Everyone, except Terence.

Denis pulls out a large bowl of cassoulet, and some spoons.

Belle slices baguettes with a knife, and produces some foie gras.

There's also saucisses de Toulouse, says Belle. And a special dessert after.

Vello and David arrive.

Were you lost? asks Terence.

No, says Vello. Of course not. Why do you ask?

Because this is a trick statue, says Terence.

Vello looks up at the statue.

A perfectly ordinary Hippomène.

A young man running, looking sneaky, holding aloft an apple.

What's the trick? asks David.

It doesn't look like a hippo, says Terence.

Ha ha! laughs Denis Diderot. No it doesn't. 

It's not meant to be a hippo, says Belle. It's Hippomène, who tricked Atalanta.

By turning into a hippo, says Terence.

No, says Belle. He had to beat her in a race so that he could marry her, but she was super fast, so he tricked her by dropping three golden apples.

He's only got one, says Terence.

He must have dropped the other two already, says Belle. 

So he's going to eat the last one, says Terence.

The statue of Hippomène would like to kick Terence. Eat a golden apple? What a stupid infant.

But he can't. 

Help yourselves to the cassoulet, says Belle.

They dig in with their spoons.

By the way, did you guys clean your handlebars after yesterday? asks Belle.

We were going to says Sweezus, but Arthur reckons they're better sticky.

I cleaned mine, says Gaius. So we'll see which is better.

A good experiment, says Denis Diderot. More wine anyone?

He opens a bottle of Cabernet Franc, as the Negrette is finished.

Can I look for parrots? asks Terence.

Okay, but don't go too far, says Belle.

The cassoulet bowl is now empty. She bring out the saucissons and forks. And more baguettes, which she starts slicing.

Terence wanders off. 

He is looking for parrots, and two dropped golden apples.

Nothing. Only a statue of a young woman running.

When he gets back, Belle is revealing the dessert.

La fénétra! says Belle. A traditional Toulousian dessert.

There's meringue on the top. She cuts into it.

The filling is golden.

Apricots. Not golden apples.

Stage 10: Ennezat to Le Mont-Dore - Tant pis

A mountain stage. And also Bastille Day.

In honour de quoi....

Pourquoi pas? Today I'll write partement en French.

Un montagne étage. Et aussi Bastille Day.

Un breakaway formes avec 29 attaquers. 

Et voila! quelques are French!

Team Condor have not cleaned their handlebars.

Leurs mains become sticky.

Putain! says Sweezus. Qui a un cloth?

Pas moi, says Arthur.

Et pas moi aussi, says Gaius.

Ils commencent licking their hands, et wiping them on their maillots.

Ha ha! rire Terence, à la feeding station. Vouz etes wobbling malheureusement!

Donnez moi la musette! shouts Sweezus. Quoi is in it?

Canooters.... commence Terence. 

Cervelles de canut! shouts Belle. Utilisez vos fingers!

Quoi? Nos fingers again?

(Pour expliquer why they must use their fingers, it is necessaire to know that Cervelles de canut is a cheese and herb dip, named 'silk workers' brains', à propos of what it looks like).

Après beaucoup de montagnes, voici at last Le Mont-Dore!

Qui gagne?

C'est Simon Yates de Team Visma, tout seul! ( Il est Anglais).

Et la seconde place? C'est Thymen Arensman, de Team Ineos ( Il est Dutch).

Et la troisième? C'est Ben Healy d'EF Education (Il est Irish).

Pas des francais?

Non! 

Tant pis. 

Stage 9: Chinon to Chateauroux - Nothing

A flat stage,

Bang. Off they go.

Jonas Richaert and Mathieu Van der Poel launch forward. 

So early! What is their plan?

The peloton thinks: So what? We can reel them back easily.

They don't worry.

Jonas and Mathieu pull ahead even further.

And further.

WTF!

They now have a lead of over five minutes! 

They're going fifty kilometres per hour.

The peloton has little choice but to match it.

Team Philosophe had been looking forward to a flat ride at the back of the peloton.

Punctuated with snacks.

Pork rilletes have been mentioned. And a tarte vigneronne.

But things are turning out different.

Terence is at the feed station holding out the musettes. 

It's hard to grab a musette at this speed. 

Slow down! cries David.

Can't! shouts Denis Diderot.

Only Vello succeeds.

Super! It is indeed pork rillettes and a large slice of tarte.

But the rest of his team has grabbed nothing.

I'll share! shouts Vello. 

After all, he's the captain.

David and Denis drop back alongside.

There are six pork rilletttes, so they get two each. 

The tarte is more of a problem

Imagine sharing one slice of tarte between three at fifty kilometers per hour.

Their hands become sticky.

Team Condor has similar problems.

Only Arthur has managed to grab a musette.

Will he eat his pork rillettes and the tarte by himself?

After all, he's not the captain....

He is tempted, but thinks better of it.

Thanks bro, says Sweezus, taking a bite of rillette.

Thanks Arthur, says Gaius. What a ridiculous situation! We're in the mountains tomorrow.

Shit yeah, says Sweezus.

Shit yeah. That's what everyone in the peloton is thinking.

And anyhow, look what happens:

One kilometre from the end Jonas Richaert is done and falls back.

Mathieu Van der Poel gets even closer but is passed before the finish by Tim Merlier, Jonathan Milan and Arnaud de Lie.

All that effort for nothing.

Stage 8: St Méen-le-grand to Laval - Miraculous

Good luck today, guys, says Belle.

Yeah thanks, says Sweezus. 

Tean Condor rides off to the start point.

And good luck to me, says Terence.

An old man in a beanie taps him on the shoulder.

It's Saint Méen!

Good to see you, says Saint Méen. Why no parrot?

He's coming, says Terence.

How are you enjoying your gift of perfect balance? asks Saint Méen.

Good, says Terence. But I'm missing my claw.

Oh dear, says Saint Méen. But I see it's created a useful space to hang the musettes on.

Yes, says Belle. Terence is being so helpful. 

Bang. The race starts.

Who are you hoping will win today's stage? asks Belle.

I don't need to hope, I know, says Saint Méen.

Oh, who will it be? asks Belle.

That Italian chappie, says Saint Méen.

Jonathan Milan? asks Belle.

The very person, says Saint Méen.

Terence waves at the passing riders.

Ha ha, you guys are all losers.

Stop that Terence, says Belle. And anyway, one of them is Jonathan Milan. He's not a loser.

Which one is him? asks Terence.

In the green jersey, says Saint Méen.

His beanie buzzes.

Come on Terence, says Belle. We've got to get to the feeding station before they do.

Want a miraculous hand? asks Saint Méen.

No thanks, we've got a scooter, says Belle.

I do! says Terence, holding up his claw-free hand.

The musettes begin swinging.

Saint Méen smells galette-saucisses. 

It almost makes him wish he was a contestant.

But no. That would be cheating.

Let's go, says Belle.

She and Terence zoom off on the scooter, to the feeding station.

Do I smell galette-saucisses? shouts Vello, who is first of his team to arrive.

Yes, shouts Belle. They're still hot. Watch your fingers.

We know who's going to win! shouts Terence.

But Vello has sped off, and doesn't hear him.

However, we do know who wins. 

So no need to fast forward to the final sprint in Laval.

Well done him, though. First TDF win ever.

Stage 7: St Malo to Mur-de-Bretagne - Coming

Another hilly stage, with all the climbs at the end.

They're going to be tired, says Belle.

I'm already tired, says Terence.

Belle is loading him up with musettes.

That's not like you, says Belle. You never get tired.

Tired OF, says Terence.

Of what? asks Belle.

Of seeing parrots fly past and not stopping, says Terence.

Maybe you need to attract them, says Belle.

How? asks Terence.

We'll work that out when we get to the feed station, says Belle. 

They climb on the scooter and go.

Woo! The peloton has been setting a blistering pace.

 Everyone is trying to get into a breakaway, while preventing the others.

But they still need to eat.

Phew! says David. What's all the hurry?

Beats me, says Vello. But we mustn't get dropped off the back.

Aaarghh! cries Denis Diderot, slowing dramatically. 

What the dickens? shouts Vello.

I'm being drawn towards the back, shouts Denis Diderot.

You idiot! says Vello. Catch up!

Denis Diderot speeds up again and passes his team mates.

That wasn't funny, says Vello.

No it wasn't. says David. You need to say something.

I intend to, says Vello.

He and David speed up

Denis has reached the feed station first.

There stands Terence, waving an oyster.

Denis grabs it.

Wah! cries Terence. That wasn't for you!

But Denis Diderot has begun to consume it.

That wasn't much of a snack, thinks Denis Diderot.

He forges on.

Terence is left with an extra musette.

Don't worry, says Belle. Here's another oyster

A parrot flies down.

Hello, says Terence. 

Hello, says the parrot.

It may not be a parrot. It looks like an oystercatcher.

Is that for me? asks the oystercatcher.

Do you know Roo-kai? asks Terence.

A friend of Saint Roley? asks the oystercatcher.

YES! says Terence. Has he sent me a message?

He is coming, says the oystercatcher, snapping at the oyster.

It swallows the oyster.

Mmm, Cancale oysters are the best oysters, says the oystercatcher. 

It flies off.

That was good, says Belle. Now you know that he's coming. 

It seems everyone is coming.

Here comes Sweezus. And Arthur. And Gaius.

They take their musettes.

They will appreciate what's in them. 

Cancale oysters, and crepes in salted caramel sauce. Kept separate, in little containers.

Okay, but what about the rest of the riders? What's happening on the Mur-de-Bretagne?

Could it be Tagej Pogacar, launching his final attack, passing Jonas Vingegaard, and Oscar Onley in his usual fashion?

It is.

Stage 6: Bayeux to Vire Normandie - Irish

Today will be hard on the legs, due to hilly elevations.

A good day for the long range attackers.

And they know who they are.

Breakaways form and reform.

Team Philosophe keep to their plan at the back.

Vello: Did you hear the reception I got yesterday when I came down the chute?

Denis Diderot: No I didn't. I went before you, remember? But I did hear some cheers.

Vello: In the distance? Behind you? 

Denis Diderot: I had reason to believe they were cheering for me.

David Hume: Were they calling your name?

Vello: Yes, were they?

Denis Diderot: It sounded like Diderot! Go!

Let him believe it, thinks Vello.

David is not inclined to let Diderot believe it. There must be many things rhyming with Diderot-Go.

They pedal in silence.

Gaius drops back.

You don't seem to be trying, says Gaius.

We are trying, says Vello. Our plan involves saving our legs for the later stages.

Your team doesn't seem to be trying either, says David.

I've just dropped back to ask Belle something, says Gaius.

No more pressed duck? says Vello. Don't worry, we're not having that.

What are we having? asks Gaius.

Fricadelles I believe, says Vello. Very sensible.

Wonderful, says Gaius. That's saved me a few seconds.

He speeds up again to tell Sweezus and Arthur what theyr'e going to be eating.

He soon catches up.

Fricadelles, says Gaius.

Did someone say fricadelles? asks a passing rider who is obviously not one of the long range attackers.

Mind your own beeswax, says Sweezus.

The passer gives him the finger, and speeds off.

Belle and Terence zoom past on a scooter.

There they go, says Arthur. The Flying Fricadelles.

Sweezus manages a laugh. 

Cheer up, says Gaius. You'll have plenty of chances.

Yeah but I'm not getting any younger, says Sweezus.

Nor is anyone else, says Gaius.

True.

But what's happening up the front, in the breakaway? 

There, no one is worried that they're not getting younger.

Ben Healy, of EF Education Easy-Post, breaks free of the other long range attackers 42k from the finish.

And pedals to victory.

Oh hey! Diddleydee!

(He is Irish)

Stage 5: Caen to Caen: Time Trials - Zoom

Today it's the individual time trials.

You start off in Caen and end up there, 33 ks later.

There is no one to talk to, you just go like the clappers.

But it doesn't stop you thinking. 

Denis Diderot rides down the chute, expecting to nail it.

His thoughts: 

As long as I do better than Vello and David I'll be happy. But they won't be. Maybe I should aim for the same. But they're starting after me. I'll just have to wing it....

Sweezus's rides down the chute, looking confident.

His thoughts: 

Belle knows I hate duck. Birds in general. I wonder if Terence'll get his claw back. Was that a parrot I just saw? ....Nah.

Arthur rides down the chute, with a grumbling tummy.

His thoughts: 

Must be that pressed duck in blood sauce we had yesterday. Pressed duck. How do they press it? And why? Probably they press the blood out. Then they save it, to make sauce.

Vello goes down the chute, waving at the crowd, who wave back at him.

His thoughts: 

How they love me, the French people. I bet Denis didn't get that reception. Who even remembers his Encyclopedie these days? Burp. Curse that pressed duck!

David Hume goes down the chute next, thinking of making a special effort.

David Hume's thoughts: This is the time, if ever. If I could seize each individual moment I might understand it. Now. Now. Now. No.  Never....

Gaius is next.

Gaius's thoughts: 

I wonder why Sweezus is so unfocused. Perhaps he has other concerns. As I do. It seems the algal bloom back at home can't be labeled a natural disaster, because it's not on the list of natural disasters. I would laugh, but it's not very funny. Oops! Bump! Concentrate.

Others go down the chute one by one.

Remco Evenepoel: Go go go Remco you're the best you can do it.

These thoughts work well for Remco, who gets the best time.

Tadej Pogacar: Zoom!

He comes second, and ends up in yellow.

Stage 4: Amiens to Rouen - Duck

The teams ride out of Amiens, in what looks like an orderly fashion.

 

A breakaway forms. 

Four riders are in it.

Everyone else is saving their efforts for the last 50 kilometres, comprising five climbs.

Sweezus rides behind Arthur in his slipstream.

Jonathan Milan rides by, wearing green.

Hey guys! says Jonathan Milan.

Hey, says Sweezus. That was bad luck yesterday for Philipsen.

Sure was, says Jonathan Milan.

Now you're in green, says Sweezus.

That's how it goes, says Jonathan Milan.

He speeds up, leaving Sweezus and Arthur to talk more about what happened.

If they want to.

......

Gaius finds himself riding behind Team Philosophe.

David sees him.

Come alongside, says David. 

How are you doing? asks Gaius. 

Quite well, says David. Focused on our plan.

At least you have a plan, says Gaius. We don't seem to.

Does Sweezus realise he has five chances at winning KOM points before the end of today? asks David.

I don't think so, says Gaius. I'll speed up and tell him.

Drop back, you mean, says David. I don't think they're in front of us.

What's this? asks Vello.

Are Sweezus and Arthur ahead or behind us? asks David.

Behind, says Vello. Probably hatching a plan.

I don't think so, says Gaius. I'll drop back and see.

He drops back.

Ha! laughs Vello. We'll be first to the feeding station.

Don't we all get the same? asks David.

Do we? asks Denis Diderot. I hope it's not that sticky potjevleesch again.

It won't be, says Vello.

.....

There is Terence up ahead with the feed bags.

He has waved at Tadej Pogacar.

Tadej has waved back.

Vello grabs a feed bag from Terence, 

Duck à la Rouennaise! shouts Belle. 

My favourite! shouts Vello.

What a favourite! Pressed duck in blood sauce.

.....

At last, the final fifty kilometres.

There are five hills to climb.

Cat 4 Cat 3 Cat 4 Cat 4 and Cat 3, in that order.

Will Sweezus get KOM points?

Safe to say that he won't.

So let's go to the finish, 

Tadej Pogacar and Jonas Vingegaard are battling close behind Mathieu Van der Poel, who looks like he's winning.

But no, it's not going to happen.

Tadej does his thing. 

Shoots forward like a rocket, to gain his one hundredth victory.

(on a bike)

Stage 3: Valenciennes to Dunkerque - Valiant Spurt

Stage three is a flat stage.

And it is not raining. 

How dull.

No one is even attempting a breakaway.

Mathieu Van der Poel chats with other riders in passing.

Hey, Mathieu, says Sweezus. 

Hey Sweezo, says Mathieu.

How long do you reckon you'll stay in the yellow? asks Sweezus. 

Today at least, says Mathieu. I got a wave from the omen.

What omen? asks Sweezus.

But Mathieu has passed on to chat briefly with Jasper Philipsen.

He is probably asking Jasper if he got a wave from the omen.

And Philipsen is probably replying, no, I didn't today.

Further back, Vello and Denis Diderot are debating nature's flexibility.

A wide topic.

David is not even listening, but assessing the crowds. There are a lot of yellow hats. Someone must be making a fortune. And there is that fellow in red, running along with a pitchfork. Ha. Don't let Terence see him. Thinking of which, where is the next feed station, and what will be in the musette? He could do with some serious sustenance....

What's your view, David? asks Vello.

On? asks David.

Denis's theory of universal elasticity, says Vello.

Probably outdated, says David.

Denis laughs. Look who's talking!

David now wishes he has been listening, but is saved by the approach of the feeding station, if one can put it that way.

He grabs a musette from Terence.

As do Vello and Denis.

They all reach inside.

Squelch!

What is this? shouts Vello.

Potjevleesch! shouts Belle. With fries on top to melt the.......

He does not hear the rest of the story.

But there seems to be some kind of soft potted meat gently melting under the fries 

These fries are delicious, says David.

Wait till you get to the meat, says Denis. 

Well, they seem happy.

......

But up ahead, the intermediate sprint is beginning.

The riders are gathering speed. 

Jasper Philipsen crashes and is forced to retire.

Remember, he did not get a wave from the omen.

As we think he told Van der Poel. 

But it does make you wonder.

Goodbye green jersey. 

......

And now, we are close to the finish. 

Who are these guys?

Jonathan Milan of Team Lidl-Trek looks well-positioned.

So does Phil Bauhaus. 

But did either of them get a wave from the omen?

We think not.

Because Tim Merlier comes up behind them in a valiant spurt.

Passing Jonathan Milan and and Phil Bauhaus and winning stage three.

 

Stage 2: Lauwin-Planque to Boulogne-sur-mer - Thanks

Oh no. It's raining!

Team Condor hasn't brought rain jackets.

All the other teams have.

They ride out from Lauwin-Planque in the miserable weather.

Lucky we brought these rain jackets, says Vello.

Mine's a bit tight, says David. I can't do it up.

Let it flap, says Vello.

Denis Diderot has a bigger one. But he's struggling to get his arms in.

What are you doing, Denis? asks Vello.

Can't get my arms in, says Denis. I might just do this...

He zips up his jacket, and keeps riding no hands.

The empty arms droop and drip at his sides.

I didn't know you could do trick riding, says David.

I can't, says Denis Diderot. If there's a bend in the road, I'm in trouble.

They are riding at the back of the peloton, and can see a bend coming.

Denis, you fool, says Vello. Unzip your jacket!

Since when did I agree to take orders from you? asks Denis Diderot. 

He pokes his hands out from under the edge of his jacket.

He grasps the mid point of his handlebars, and inches his hands outwards.

The road curves. 

He skids round the bend

Ha! Made it ! says Denis.

The rain stops.

....

Lucky we didn't have rain jackets, says Sweezus.

I see why you think so, says Gaius. 

Other riders are struggling to get out of theirs.

On the downside, we're wet, says Gaius. And I'm feeling chilly. 

Speed up then, says Sweezus. Find out what's happening up front.

Will do, says Gaius. He speeds up and almost wins a point on the cote de Cavon-Saint-Martin. 

But does not.

He does, however, hear something of interest.

Andreas Leknessund, who did win the point, mutters, THANKS TO THE OMEN, before he starts his descent.

.....

Terence is at the feed station, handing out his musettes.

Several riders who are unknown to him try to grab one.

Woo! says Terence. These aren't for them!

No they aren't, says Belle. I wonder why they keep comng for you?

And why parrots don't, says Terence.

A parrot has just flown by.

It didn't stop. 

It might not have been a parrot.

......

It's nearing the end of the stage.

Looks like another bunch sprint finish.

All the best riders are in it.

So we can guess who is not.

Here they come. Is that Matthieu Van der Poel making a last minute effort to pip both Tadej Pogacar and Jonas Vingegaard?

Yes.

And did he mutter THANKS TO THE OMEN?

He might have.

Stage 1: Lille to Lille - Good Omen

Stage one, starting and ending in Lille. 

It is windy.

Terence is watching the start. 

There goes Vello with David and a weird guy he doesn't remember.

That's Denis Diderot, says Belle. Give them a wave.

Terence waves at Team Philosophe.

A good omen, says Diderot to Vello.

We could do with a good omen, says Vello.

Nonsense, says David. We just need to focus.

That too, says Vello. Let's focus our efforts on remaining at the back of the peloton.

Agreed, says David. 

They slow down a bit, in order to focus.

Terence keeps waving.

Jasper Philipsen flashes by.

And now here come Sweezus, Arthur and Gaius, keeping together.

Terence waves.

Only Gaius waves back.

A parrot flies over.

Terence waves down the parrot.

The parrot turns, descends, and lands on Terence's shoulder.

What? asks the parrot. I'm supposed to be watching the race.

Me too, says Terence. I'm the musette guy.

So why aren't you up at the feed station? asks the parrot.

Because I'm watching the start, says Terence.

Better get a move on, says the parrot. 

Wait, says Terence. Do you know Roo-kai?

No, says the parrot.

The parrot flies off, to catch up with the peloton.

Maybe it wasn't a parrot.

Come on, says Belle. Time to move up to the feed station. Got your musettes?

Yes, says Terence,

Meanwhile Diderot is explaining to Vello and David that good omens are not necessarily supernatural.

And Ben Thomas is gaining a point.

And several riders are crashing.

But no one we know.

Terence and Belle speed to the feed station on a scooter.

The wind has split the peloton into echelons.

This is bad, says Belle.

Do you think that was a parrot? asks Terence.

No, says Belle. It looked like a common red warbler.

No wonder, says Terence.

They pass Team Philosophe and Team Condor.

A smell wafts back to Team Condor

Smell that? says Sweezus.

Yes, says Arthur. It smelled like moules frites.

Moules frites will be difficult to eat on a bicycle, says Gaius. 

You're not wrong, says Sweezus.

But he hopes that it will be moules frites.

And it is. At the feeding station, Terence hands him a musette filled with moules frites.

Arthur and Gaius get the same. So do Vello, David and Denis Diderot.

It slows them down a bit, because you have to eat moules frites a special way.

Which is, eat the first one and then use the empty shell as a pincer, to extract the subsequent moules.

But enough of this food talk.

Fast forward to the finish.

It's a bunch sprint.

Jasper Philipsen zooms out at the last minute, just beating Binian Girmay.

Jasper remembers the wave he got earlier, from a young cement fan.

That was a good omen.

Double Yay In Lille

They are now on the TGV, heading for Lille, with their backpacks and flatpacks.

Terence is looking out of the window.

A parrot flies by. (It might not be a parrot).

I wonder if Roo-kai knew where I was going? asks Terence.

He knew, says Gaius. But if he found your claw after we left Adelaide, what could he do?

Terence thinks.

Post it! says Terence.

He could, says Gaius, but you know how slow the post is.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Why don't you call Katherine?

What for? asks Terence.

If Roo-kai's wise, he'll go to her place, says Sweezus. 

Why? asks Terence.

Because she'll know where we'll be, on what day, says Sweezus. 

Let's do it! says Terence

When we arrive in Lille, says Gaius. At the moment there's too much noise in this carriage.

There is. A loud constant thrumm. And French voices. 

.....

The train stops in Lille.

Sweezus, Arthur and Gaius lug their backpacks and flatpacks onto the platform.

And guess who is waiting to meet them?

Hey Belle! says Sweezus.

Sweezie! says Belle. Arthur! Gaius! You guys cut it fine!

And me, says Terence. 

Oh no! says Belle. What happened to your claw? Have you lost it?

I'm beavered, says Terence. 

Bereaved, says Gaius. Speaking of which...

No one here knows about it, says Arthur.

About what? Has someone died? asks Belle.

No, says Arthur. 

Yes, says Terence. Gloopy. And ten thousand pipis.

Aw, says Belle. Have they fixed the algal bloom yet?

They haven't, says Gaius. And we had to cut short our research.

I was the thermometer guy, says Terence.

Well, here you can be the giving-out-musettes guy, says Belle. Starting tomorrow.

Yay! says Terence.

And guess what? says Belle. The gap that your claw left will be perfect for holding the strap.

Double yay! says Terence.

Come on guys. I'll show you where the hotel is, says Belle. And then we'll go out for beer and croquettes. 

Good plan, says Sweezus.

Another parrot flies by.

(It might not be a parrot).

Tenuous Connections

It's a long flight, from Adelaide to Dubai.

Arthur and Sweezus have slept most of the time.

Gaius has stayed awake thinking.

What a pity he had to leave the algal bloom unresolved, and has he packed underpants? What if he did not remove all the spiders from his bicycle, and what if he is asked about the French grandfather, who is supposed to be his father? What a tangled web has been woven, which reminds him again of the spiders....and the underpants, via a tenuous connection.

We're there! says Terence. And I didn't get my box!

It was unlikely your box would be delivered while we were flying, says Gaius.

But Roo-kai can fly! says Terence.

Even so, says Gaius.

And it is so.

There is no box. 

They get off the plane in Dubai.

......

They are now on the next flight, to Paris.

Terence is sitting between Sweezus and Arthur.

He is looking through the gap where his claw used to be. And before that, his finger.

What's up little buddy? asks Sweezus.

I can never count to a hundred, says Terence.

What about twenty? asks Sweezus.

Or ten, says Arthur. 

Why do you want to? asks Sweezus.

If I'm playing hide and seek, says Terence. And I'm the one counting to a hundred, with my hands over my eyes. But I can see through the gap.

Yeah, well, that's an advantage, says Sweezus. You can see where they went.

And they can't say you cheated, says Arthur.

Terence doesn't think this sounds right. He will never get picked to be the finder, because the others will know.

A flight attendant comes by, with a box.

Yay! says Terence.

It's not for you, sorry, says the flight attendant. It's for someone with special requirements.

I've got special requirements, says Terence.

But you're not on the list, says the flight attendant. Never mind, can I get you something?

A claw or a finger, says Terence.

She smiles at Terence, and keeps going, up the aisle to the person with special requirements.

Ten minutes later, she returns with a box and hands it to Terence.

Terence starts to open the box.

Will it be a claw or a finger?

It's ... what?

Two cooked chicken feet, on a bed of steamed rice.

No use to anyone.

Bump.

The plane lands in Paris.

The Less Said The Better

That evening, at the Adelaide airport.

Gaius waits in the boarding lounge, with Terence.

Where on earth are they? asks Gaius.

Maybe they're getting my claw from Roo-kai, says Terence.

Maybe, says Gaius.

Or my finger, says Terence.

Less likely, says Gaius. 

Final call for Mr Sweezus and Mr Rimbaud! announces the desk attendant.

Gaius stands up. 

Should he go to the desk? 

Should he attempt to look frail?

Luckily there is no need to.

Sweezus and Arthur race into the boarding lounge, with their backpacks.

They go up to the desk.

Gaius sees the desk attendant nodding.

Arthur comes over.

You're boarding first, says Arthur. And we're going to assist you.

Tch! says Gaius. Must I hobble?

No, says Arthur. Just look bereaved.

What's bereaved? asks Terence.

When you've lost someone, says Gaius. 

What about a part of someone? asks Terence.

Get inside Gaius's backpack, says Arthur. And come.

They make their way onto the plane.

A flight attendant looks at them with compassion. She shows them their seats.

May I help you with your backpacks? asks the flight attendant.

But Sweezus and Arthur have already placed theirs in the overhead locker.

That leaves Gaius's backpack, with Terence inside.

Almost inside. His head is poking out, and she sees him.

Oh! says the flight attendant. What a dear little statue. Is it for the grave of your French grandfather?

No, says Terence.

The flight attendant had not expected an answer from Terence.

She looks at Gaius, who declines to explain.

My grandfather is Grandpa Marx, says Terence. He's alive, and he knows everything.

That is debatable, mutters Gaius. 

He would know where my claw is, says Terence.

Have you lost it? asks the flight attendant.

Yes, says Terence, showing her the place.

Gaius is relieved that the subject is no longer the French grandfather, about whom the less said the better.

There might be a box for me somewhere, says Terence. With my claw in it.

I'll have a look, after we take off, says the flight attendant.

She makes a mental note to do it.

The plane takes off for Dubai.

No Point Lying

Arthur has been spending a long time on the phone.

How's it going? asks Gaius.

I'm on hold, says Arthur. 

Is that a good sign? asks Gaius.

No, it's normal, says Arthur.

Gaius goes out to the shed, to do things to his bike.

Hmm. It's covered in cobwebs. And the tyres have gone flat.

He wheels it out, disturbing the spiders.

He looks at it critically.

Yes, it just needs a wipe, oil, and pump, and it will do nicely for this year's Tour De France.

He looks forward to it.

He looks for a cloth.

Arthur comes outside, followed by Terence.

Sorted, says Arthur. Three tickets to Paris. On compassionate grounds.

Don't tell me we have to pretend someone close to us has died, says Gaius.

It was that or not get there in time, says Arthur. As it is we have to catch a train from Paris to Lille. But that just takes an hour.

Who did you say died? asks Gaius. 

Our old French grandfather, says Arthur.

Our grandfather? says Gaius. 

Mine and Sweezus's. Your father, says Arthur.

So I'm travelling as your father? asks Gaius.

Yes, says Arthur. I assume you don't mind.

And you and Sweezus as brothers, says Gaius.

Cousins, says Arthur. To explain different surnames.

You think of everything, says Gaius. 

And you're very frail, says Arthur. Which is why we need to go with you.

Wait, says Gaius. This is all very well, but if I'm frail why am I bringing a bike?

Up to you, says Arthur. They probably won't ask you.

Terence has been stepping on spiders.

But he has been listening too.

I know! says Terence. If they ask you, say it's not yours.

I can hardly do that, says Gaius. 

Say you can't walk and you have to get donkeyed, says Terence.

Ridiculous, says Gaius. I could get donkeyed on the back of the bicycle of one of my sons.

You'll think of something, says Arthur.

I hope I don't have to, says Gaius. 

Sweezus who has let himself in, the front door being open, walks through to the back.

Hey! says Sweezus. Got the tickets?

Got them, says Arthur. We fly out tonight.

Awesome, says Sweezus. So, things to do. A quick ride up Mount Lofty. Speed home. Pack our gear. Flat pack our bikes. Bus to the aiport.

Great, says Arthur. Let's go.

Meet you at the airport, says Gaius.

What about me? asks Terence.

You can travel in my back pack, says Gaius. You've done it before.

But how will Roo-kai find me? asks Terence.

He will find you, says Gaius. 

Truly? asks Terence.

If he's looking, says Gaius.

No point lying.