Surrounded by Tommmatoes

dear ageless, is it really you? and you have finished mmmoulting, and you can write to mme again oh! i ammmm so happy, of course i knew it was you right away fromm all your commmmmas.

how thoughtful of you to start by telling me a story. i liked your story. you remmmmembered i like japanese stories was the mman their daddy do you think?

how dull mmmy life has been waiting for you to finish mmoulting, i ammm still here on the window sill. that is the same but it's not quite the same it's crowded now.

i amm surrounded by tommmatoes, i don't know why. you know i cannot see from inside mmy stone clammmshell. i have never seen a tommmato but they chatter all the time....

would you like to know what they say, ageless, so would i but they don't speak english. i think they are afraid.

i think that frommm one day to another they are not even the samme tommmatoes, i think that is why they are afraid they know they mmmay be spirited away at any mmmommment........i don't care to get involved however.

please write to mmme again and tell mmme mmore stories about the real world where you live, the world of sand and water and flags and girls who spin around mmen like mmmaypoles, how rommmantic the real world is you are so lucky ageless to be in it.

goodbye for now ageless mmmwah, mmmwah, those are two kisses for you from the lips of

your friend kobo

don't get too excited

Last Hours Of Ticks

It is a little known fact that ticks communicate by means of morse code. I later learned the two ticks that had attached themselves to me had left a testament of their final hours in dots and dashes on the inside of the tissue that was their tragic prison. I present it to you verbatim, except of course not in morse code, but in English. You may find it quite moving.


Last TESTAMENT of OUR Final Hours, By Big and Little TiCK.

LiTTle Tick: We were in a FIeld of GRASS, ...we spied a foot. BIg Tick said COME ON! I said NOOOO! He said, Why not? I said, it's not a COW. He said YES it IS, it's just a funny blue one. So we jumped. ...

Big TiCK: It was a MIStake I see tHAT now. But At the TIME I thought it would be an EXCELLENT adVENTure. WE Climbed the SOCK OF the COW and found a wIDE Expanse of hairless skin. A FEAST. We decided to sit quiet for the COW was moving.

LITTle Tick: That was no COW he still WILL NOT admit it. A Cow will not peel off its BLUE outer SKIN and lie PRone for several HOURs. NEvertheless Big tiCK decided to dig in.

BIG Tick: Next thing I KNOW I'm squeezed out of my comFY POZZIE! I'm SQUEEzed and SquEEZed. IT Doesn't hurt me THOUGH.

LittLe Tick: I knew Big TICK was SCARED. I was Scared. ALL at onCE we foUNd ourselves inside a big white squARE CLOUD. We ran around MADLY but could not gET OUT.

BIG Tick: The COW was pacing up and DOWN somewhere out THERE I'm SUre of it.

LittLE TIck: Suddenly the CloUD OPENED UP and we HEARD VOICES. The Voices were saying THEY are SMALL.

Big TicK: A huge POINTED weapon came towards US!

Little TICK: I Cried WHAT is to Become of us? Then Big Tick said SomeTHING that was so comforting.

BIG TICK: What did I SAY, I forget?

LittLE TICk: You said: We are STARDUST We Are Golden, And we've GOt to get ourselves Back To the GARden. I LOve You FOR saying that, Big TiCK!

Big TicK: I Love you TOO, Little TicK.

Here Ends the Last Testament of Big Tick and LittlE TICk.

Dream Nasal

Last night Haydn appeared to me in a dream, wearing red trousers.

Hey! I said to him, in the dream. Are you German?

Nein! he replied. I am Austrian. But do not worry, I speak good English.

Sorry, I said. It was your red trousers. As you're here, perhaps you might explain to me about fifths.

I do not think it would do any good, he replied. I have come to you in a dream for a musical purpose, yes, but a more general one. I wish to explain to you why I was popular and why I still am.

But I already know, I said, because I have googled you.

Have you indeed. What do they say of me?

They say you were popular because you had learned to please and delight a prince. That you had a sense of humour, and were famous for your rollicking finales.

That is all?

No, no. They say you developed the classical forms with your fluidity of phrasing, and your use of classic counterpoint.

Very good. All that is true. Did they say anything about my personal life?

They said you married the sister of the woman you loved, and were unhappy, and that you suffered from nasal polyposis.

Nasal polyposis, he sniffed, is that what they call it?

Yes, it was a very agonising and debilitating disease in the 18th century.

Tell me about it! said Haydn. Is there a cure?

Not a cure. Nowadays they treat it with steroids, and sometimes surgery. The polyps may grow back though.

Well, well, said Haydn. Never mind. That gives me an idea for a rather amusing tune, with double stops.

No Vessels Allowed

I don't know much about Haiku, observed Pliny the Elder, but I do feel that ' no vessels allowed in the areas marked in yellow ' is not a good example of the genre.

Well I don't know much about them either, I said. That is why I was able to turn out so many in such a short time. However I disagree with you about ' no vessels allowed'. I think it encapsulates exquisitely the sensation of reading a sign beside a path at the beach.

Only because that is exactly what it is, said Pliny. You haven't transformed it in any way.

No, I haven't, I agreed. Because with Haiku you only get three lines. And that is very restricting.
In Japanese the form is even more restrictive. The first line must have 5 syllables, the second line 7 and the third line 5. In English we allow ourselves a bit more freedom. The first line must be short, the second long, and the third line short. Nevertheless, there wasn't much room to tell the story of the sign.

The story?

Yes, I would have liked to make it clearer that the sign was facing the footpath, so no one on a vessel could have seen it, which was obviously quite funny.

Funny? You didn't make that clear at all. Perhaps if you had tried a little harder?

I don't think so. But I don't think anyone else could have done better.

I believe I could, said Pliny. Yes, I shall rise to the challenge.

Naughty Monkey

How do you mean, asked Pliny the Elder, to write a poem that rhymes in both French and English?

I mean to do it in the following manner, I replied. First, I shall write the poem in English, making it rhyme. Then, I shall translate it as closely as possible into French, making the French version rhyme. Finally, I shall present it as though the French version came first. I'm not getting very far.

That should not be too hard, said Pliny. Why are you doing it, may I ask?

I woke up yesterday morning and remembered it was my friend Julienne's 81st birthday. She used to send me funny links and emails. She never writes to me now. I think perhaps she can't. She used to love going to France for her holidays.

Oh, said Pliny. Well, let me see what you've got so far.

Alright I said, but don't laugh. This is the first verse:

Julienne! Quelle guenon mechante
Tu m'envoyais les spams plutot piquants
Mais je repondais jamais a telle chose;
Trop impersonelle, je suppose.

Well, it looks as though it rhymes in French, said Pliny. Now what's your English translation?

Julienne! You were a naughty monkey,
Sending spam links that were kind of funky.
I never replied to any of those,
Too impersonal, I suppose.

By the Gods! spluttered Pliny. Won't your friend find that rather insulting?

Yes, she might, I said, but maybe it will spur her into action. Anyway, it gets nicer. Or at least, it will. The second verse is all about her holidays. But it isn't ready yet.

You must show it to me tomorrow then , said Pliny. By the way, that bean soup could have done with some tomatoes.