Hope Away

They returned to the Panda Enclosure. Sweezus began sketching and scribbling down notes. Someone took a photograph of Farky in his black and white plastic Panda Hat.

They think I'm a Panda, boasted Farky.

I bet they don't, said Sweezus. The rest of you is brown.

How's the assignment going? asked Farky.

Sweezus sighed.

I'm not sure whether to go for a simple descriptive narrative, or whether to introduce a bit of humour, he said. What do you think, Farky?

Don't try to be funny, said Farky. That's my advice. You don't have much sense of humour.

Don't I? said Sweezus, surprised. Oh well, thanks, Farky.

When's lunch? asked Farky. I'm starving.

I'm just going to see the Pygmy Hippos, said Sweezus. Then I'll meet you at the wooden tables. I have a couple of apples in my pocket we can share.

Ten minutes later Farky bounded up to the wooden table where Sweezus was waiting. Sweezus couldn't help noticing the end of a greenish-purple feather protruding from the corner of Farky's mouth.

I hope that's not an exotic bird you've been eating, he said, sternly.

Hope away, said Farky. Where's my apple?

Too Famous

This is a rare treat, says Aristotle, coming through the front door with Pliny the Elder. Hardly anyone invites me out to dinner any more.

Perhaps you are too famous, I reply.

How does that work? he asks. Shouldn't I be asked out to dinner all the time?

No, you are too scary, I say. I have been thinking in syllogisms all day because you were coming.

Oh you mustn't be afraid of me, says he. What are we eating? It smells delicious.

Vegetarian moussaka, without tomatoes.

Ah! And may I enquire as to the reasoning behind that choice?

I chose it because it was Greek, and you are Greek; but I made it vegetarian, because you are vegetarian; and I left out the tomatoes because Pliny hates tomatoes.

Bravo! says Aristotle. The virtuous Golden Mean.

It all seems to be going rather well. We sit down at the table. Aristotle beams round at everyone.

Do have some of this moussaka before it gets cold, I say.

I believe the Arabs eat it cold, says Aristotle.

Tell us how it came about that you invented logic, my friend, says Pliny.

Ah yes, well, as you know I studied under Plato. He saw everything in terms of universal forms. That made it very difficult to come to any conclusions. There is an ideal apple, he would say. And this real apple is just a poor example of it. Well, I used to think, so what? You couldn't conclude anything about apples from that. I decided to turn his ideal apple idea on its head. Look at real apples, I said. You can learn everything about apples from studying them.

Brilliant, I say, that's true. So you invented the scientific method as well. Now tell me, what do you think of my moussaka?

Wonderful, my dear! An inspired choice for an old man who doesn't have very many teeth.

Pliny gives me a wink. I don't say anything.

This Is True

It rained yesterday. The first rain we've had all year, to speak of. This is true. It rained all day. We had to like it, even though we don't like getting wet. This is also true.

When it rains here the dead grass sprouts immediately and turns a brilliant green. This is generally true.

We used to throw our washing up water on the grass to keep it from forgetting. This is poetically true.

Usually the washing up water would have bits of food in it, such as rice, apple pips, rocket leaves, pineapple slices, onion rings and tomato paste in suspension. This is demonstrably true.

This morning you couldn't see the grass for the rice, rocket, onion and tomato plants that had sprung up in profusion overnight, under a canopy of apple and pineapple trees.

This isn't true, and I'm quite disappointed.