The Web Behaviour Test

First, Pliny had to supply some personal information. His gender and his age and job type. That was no problem. He chose 'retired'. Then, to estimate how many hours he spent each week on various online tasks.

What is multi tasking? he asked me crossly.

It's when you do more than one thing at once, I answered. Don't they explain?

But look at all these different kinds of multi tasking, he grumbled. I'm sure I don't do any of them. I shall just answer 'Never' to them all.

Next, Pliny had to demonstrate his research techniques. 'What words would you enter if you wanted to find out how much caffeine there was in an expresso?'

Do you think it's a trick question? asked Pliny.

Don't ask me, I said.

He entered the words 'caffeine' and 'expresso'.

Next he had to choose which site to go to for the answer.

Normally, he said, I would go straight to Wikipedia. But perhaps they would prefer me to go to BBC information.

That's definitely a trick question. I said. What are you going to do?

Be true to myself, said Pliny. And go to Wikipedia. Oh! Now they want me to rate the information out of ten. Let me see. Yes. It tells me here how much caffeine is in an expresso. I wonder if I should give it ten out of ten?

Why not? I asked.

Because they might think I am too easily satisfied, he said.

Stop worrying, and get on with it, Pliny, I said. It's meant to take you twenty minutes and you've taken quarter of an hour already.

But I made a cup of tea, protested Pliny.

They don't know that, I said. Hurry up.

Next Pliny had to do some simple memory puzzles, followed by some that involved multi tasking.

In the first one, there were four chocolate bars, two red and two blue. You had to press 'Y' if you thought the red chocolate bars had moved in the second frame, and 'N' if you thought that they hadn't. You could practice as many times as you liked.

Curses! said Pliny. Should I practice until I can do it perfectly, or would that be wasting time?

Practice, I advised, until you can do it adequately.

Pliny practiced a few times, but he wasn't improving. He was getting a consistent six out of ten.

I would probably get six out of ten if I just pressed 'Y' all the time, he said. So that's what I'll do. But I feel like a chocolate biscuit. What time is it now?

Jealousy

I don't know what to write about today. I'm jealous of Pliny the Elder. He came up with the Blue Devil Fish, the Chocolate Biscuits and the Volcanoes just like that without even thinking.......

Pliny saw what I was writing.

Come, come, he said. Anyone can come up with three things.

Yes, but you had a theme, I said.

I did? he said. What was it?

Food, I replied. Wasn't it?

Pliny looked doubtful. The Blue Devil fish is inedible, he remarked. I remember making a point of saying so.

Yes, you did, but to say something is inedible introduces the idea of food. One thinks, on reading it, Oh I was wondering whether people eat them or not. Now I know.

Alright, said Pliny. I concede that point. But what about volcanoes? They are not food.

Volcano cakes are, I said. You can't deny it.

I can't, agreed Pliny. But, if you remember, my intention had been to write about real volcanoes, not cakes. So my original list of topics was lacking a theme.

You are very encouraging Pliny, I said. I am going to think of three things.

Good, said Pliny.

There was a pause, then he said. Have you thought of them yet?

Yes, I said. Sand. That's the first one. Embroidery, that's the second... and.....Tuesday.

You see, said Pliny. It's easy. And, he added, I'm looking forward to Tuesday.

The Lardy Crumpet

Why are there two packets of chocolate biscuits in the cupboard? asked Pliny, this afternoon.
And still no cake, he added, softly.

Tim Tams were on special, I replied. Two dollars a pack. And we bought crumpets as well.

Any lard? asked Pliny.

I forgot to look for lard. Anyway I told you it was unhealthy.

It's not as unhealthy as all that, said Pliny. I've been reading all about it. It depends which part of the pig the lard comes from. The best lard comes from the area near the kidneys and is called leaf lard. It makes very nice flaky pastry and you may be surprised to know that it has less cholesterol than the equivalent amount of butter.

Really? I said. I wonder if it would be nice on a crumpet?

Yes, said Pliny. It would.

I was joking, I said. Everyone knows it would be horrible. Why, there's even a poem about how horrible it would be, I added rashly. It's called The Lardy Crumpet, and it goes:

Your face is as long
As my grandfather's gong
Is there anything wrong
With your crumpet?

Yes, it is charred
And blackened and hard
And smothered in lard
Is my crumpet.

Is that really a poem? asked Pliny, incredulously. My grandfather's gong! Whatever does that mean?

No idea, I said. But I'm going to have a crumpet. Would you like one?

Biodiversity

Pliny the Elder was beside himself with frustration. If the ladybird had not had legs, a circumstance he personally doubted, then it needed to be studied further. Perhaps it really did live in a seashell. Perhaps instead of legs it had tiny flippers. It would now be impossible to ascertain.

I felt a little guilty, not just for Pliny's sake but for the sake of biodiversity in general. If only I had not washed the little blighter down the sink! At least, I thought, I can try and make it up to Pliny.

Would you like to write the next few blogs? I asked him. You may write on any subject that you choose, I shall not interfere.

Pliny brightened up.

Thankyou, he said. I would like that.

What will you write about? I asked.

Blue Devil fish, said Pliny.

Really? I said. Now that is a coincidence.

Coincidence? Why? asked Pliny.

Because I .....no never mind. What else will you write about?

Chocolate biscuits, said Pliny. Don't tell me you....?

Well, I ..... ahem, anything else?

Volcanoes, said Pliny.

I would never have thought of that, I said truthfully.