Geography

Where? asked Saint Nicholas.

Instead of being simply whisked away, said Wittgenstein, the boy could be made to escape on a bicycle.

Do you have any idea of geography? asked Saint Nicholas. Crete was an island last time I heard.

I thought this was supposed to be a miracle, said Wittgenstein. It might be a miraculous bicycle, provided by you.

But I had no need to provide a miraculous bicycle, said Saint Nicholas. I simply whisked that boy home.

Think again, said Wittgenstein. You are in need of a bicycle now, or your story may not be published.

You can't change history, said Saint Nicholas.

And you can't do miracles, said Wittgenstein.

Wittgenstein and Saint Nicholas glared at one another.

Belle et Bonne reached for the box of gingerbread. Luckily just at that moment Le Bon David arrived.

Oh Uncle David! I'm so glad you're here, said Belle et Bonne.

Yes, yes, sorry I'm late everyone. Shall we get down to business? It's getting awfully close to our Christmas deadline, said Le Bon David, taking a gingerbread man. Ha ha caught you little man, he said, biting off its head. Now where are we?

Saint Nicholas's story is sorted, said Belle et Bonne. You need to talk to Mr Wittgenstein.

Yes I do. Any preliminary ideas? he asked, looking at Wittgenstein.

My story will be a short one, said Wittgenstein. There is a bicycle in it, but I am not on the bicycle. I become suicidal, briefly. There is a good helping of philosophy, but no miracles, he added.

Good, said Le Bon David. We don't need any miracles.

Belle et Bonne coughed loudly.

Do we? he asked.

Run Run

Wittgenstein and Saint Nicholas arrived at the editors' office at exactly the same time. The door was open but there was no one inside. They went in and sat down.

A box of gingerbread men lay open on the desk with a note saying Back in a Minute, Please Help Yourself.

Well, said Saint Nicholas, I suppose we should help ourselves.

I suppose, said Wittgenstein, we should introduce ourselves first. I am Wittgenstein.

No need for that, said Saint Nicholas. I know who you are.

Fine, said Wittgenstein testily. But who are you?

I am Saint Nicholas , said Saint Nicholas.

Wittegenstein looked somewhat put out.

A saint, he said.

Yes, said Saint Nicholas, You may have heard of me. I am the patron saint of children, sailors, bankers, pawnbrokers, orphans, travellers, judges, victims of judicial mistakes, perfumers, thieves and murderers.

Thieves and murderers! exclaimed Wittgenstein. How do you help thieves and murderers?

With bicycles, said Saint Nicholas.

Humph! snorted Wittgenstein. Are you here to discuss bicycles?

Yes, said Saint Nicholas. I'm to write a Christmassy story for the bumper Christmas edition of Velosophy. I know a lot about bicycles.

So do I, said Wittgenstein. Listen! Did you hear something?

No, said Saint Nicholas. What?

A tiny voice, saying something like run! run!

Didn't hear it, said Saint Nicholas.

It's coming from the box, said Wittgenstein.

They turned towards the box.

Gingerbread

Belle et Bonne had made gingerbread men. She brought some into the office.

Here Uncle David, she said, try one of these.

Le Bon David peered into the box.

May I have that one? he asked, pointing to one that was especially rotund.

Yes, said Belle et Bonne. I made that one just for you.

Very nice indeed, Belle et Bonne, said Le Bon David, with his mouth full. And what is this in honour of?

Christmas, said Belle et Bonne. Had you forgotten?

I had, said Le Bon David. I have been busy teeing someone up to write a story for the next edition of Velosophy.

Who is it? asked Belle et Bonne.

Wittgenstein, said Le Bon David.

Wow! said Belle et Bonne. Is he going to give his story a Christmassy flavour?

I doubt it, said Le Bon David.

Well, perhaps you ought to ask him to, said Belle et Bonne. It's to be our special bumper Christmas edition, you know.

I didn't know, said Le Bon David. We've never had one before.

Marie and I decided. We've already got a very special person lined up to write us something.

Oh dear! I'm afraid Wittgenstein is not going to like anyone stealing his thunder.

Don't worry Uncle David. The bumper edition will have room for everyone.

Who is this person? asked Le Bon David. Is he a philosopher? Does he ride a bicycle?

It's Saint Nicholas, said Belle at Bonne. Are you impressed?

No, said Le Bon David. He is no philosopher. And he doesn't ride a bicycle.

He knows a lot about bicycles said Belle et Bonne. I bet he knows more about bicycles than Wittgenstein. And I'm sure he has some interesting philosophies. Anyway, he's coming in tomorrow afternoon to have a chat.

So is Wittgenstein, said Le Bon David, warming to the idea. I hope they both like gingerbread.