Silver Needle, English Rose Wedding

Doha airport.

How long have we got? asks David.

Four hours, says Vello.

Can we get my shoes now? asks Terence.

They are sitting at a table inside Harrod's Tea Rooms.

Tea first, says Gaius. 

You could have had tea on the plane, says Pierre-Louis.

Vello looks at the tea menu.

Silver Needle, says Vello. That sounds like me.

Gunpowder Supreme sounds more like you, says David. It's 15 riyals cheaper than Silver Needle.

I think I'll try English Rose Wedding, says Gaius.

So will I, says Pierre-Louis. What an evocative title!

They order their teas and drink them in the elegant Harrod's surroundings.

How's your English Rose Wedding? asks Vello.

Aromatic, says Gaius. 

Full-bodied, says Pierre-Louis.

Can we go now? asks Terence.

We might linger, says Vello. I see they have pastries.

I'll take him, says Gaius.

Off they go to look for a shoe store.

Aha! Inplay Sports Store. They go in.

May I help you? asks a sports store assistant. Shoes for the infant? We have a vast array here. I observe he has very small feet and a bandage on his ankle. This should pose no problem.

Excellent, says Gaius. 

The assistant directs them to sit down on a couch and goes off to find samples.

He didn't measure your foot, says Gaius. Either he is incompetent or has the ability to judge a foot size by looking.

Or both, says Terence.

The assistant returns with a small pair of shoes.

These ones have wheels underneath, says the assistant. And they light up and flash different colours when you move. Children like them.

Try them on, Terence, says Gaius.

Terence tries on the shoes. He stands up, lunges forward, and falls over.

No good, says Gaius.

I wasn't ready, says Terence. 

You should have normal shoes, says Gaius. Remember, you have wheels already.

Oh yes! He has wheels already. And a parrot coach, whose advice would be useful. Where is he?

Cwaca is in the Harrod's Tea Shop, hobnobbing, and nibbling on extravagant pastries.

For a parrot this may be normal, but for a coach, it bodes ill.

Separation Of Waca And Cwaca

Now it looks more like a parrot, says Monique.

Does it? asks Terence.

He looks at his duck.

One duck looks more like a parrot than two ducks, says Monique.

Yes! says Terence. What shall we do with the other one?

The other one looks apprehensive.

You could give it to me, says Monique.

Okay, says Terence. But not the wheels. I need them.

Monique wrenches the second duck from its wheeled platform.

Now I've got my own parrot, says Monique.

It's a duck, says Terence.

Okay, says Monique. I knew that. I'm going to call my duck Waca.

That's a good name, says Terence. My parrot doesn't have one.

Give it one, says Monique.

Parrots usually talk, says Terence. And they tell you. This one doesn't.

It said ouch before, says Monique. That means it can talk.  Ask it.

Terence lifts his parrot to eye level.

What's your name? asks Terence.

Waca, says the parrot.

No, says Terence. That's a duck's name. And someone's already got it.

Waca-waca, says the parrot.

It still sounds like a duck's name. says Monique. Maybe it doesn't know it's a parrot.

There's a reason for that, says the parrot.

Hoorah! The parrot is talking.

What's the reason? asks Terence.

I'm not one, says the parrot.

I always have a parrot, says Terence. If you can't be a parrot you can't be my parrot.

What are the advantages of being your parrot? asks the parrot.

What does that mean? asks Terence.

What's good about it? asks the parrot.

Everything, says Terence, I'm getting some shoes.

That's you, says the parrot. What do I get?

Me with shoes, says Terence. And when I get shoes I'll ask Gaius to glue the wheels on. And we'll whizz everywhere.

You're forgetting something, says the parrot.

Yes, says Monique. He had his own wheels until we pulled them off.

That's good, says Terence. That means he knows how they work and.....

I can coach you! says the parrot. Why didn't you say? I accept the position. And my name will be Cwaca.

Cwaca, says Terence. 

Cwaca the coach, says Monique.

Cabin crew prepare the cabin for landing, says a voice. All passengers please return to your seats.

That's you, says Monique. Don't forget your wheels. 

Terence takes the wheels and Cwaca and walks back to Gaius. 

Cwaca takes note of Terence's gait.

The Bad Owner

Can you walk yet? asks the girl.

Terence tries to wriggle his foot.

His ankle feels stiff. Good, that's the glue setting.

Yes, says Terence. Want to see my parrot?

Yes, says the girl.

Finish your bean croquette first, Monique, says the scary passenger.

Okay dad, says Monique.

She swallows the last bite of her croquette, and follows Terence back to where Gaius is sitting.

Terence, says Gaius. Excellent! I see that you're walking.

Me too, says Terence. But I might need some shoes.

There's an idea, says Gaius. Perhaps we'll buy some in Doha airport.

Yay! says Terence.

Hello young lady, says Gaius. Have you made friends with Terence?

He dropped a bread roll on me, says Monique.

That sounds like him, says Gaius. 

Can I have my parrot? asks Terence. We want to do some improvements

Certainly, says Gaius, handing over the two wooden ducks on a string.

Come on, says Terence, to Monique. Let's go back to your seat.

They go back to her seat, and sit on it together.

Terence legs stick out, horizontally.

Your foot's a bit crooked, says Monique. 

Yikes! says Terence. Maybe the glue isn't set.

That's good, says Monique. That means we can fix it.

Let's fix the parrot first, says Terence.

No, says Monique. You first.

She leans forward and realigns Terence's foot. Then she tightens the bandage.

Ouch, says Terence.

I thought it didn't hurt, says Monique.

I'm giving my parrot a good example, says Terence. Because he's next.

Okay parrot, says Monique. You've just had a good example of what to say when we take your wheels off.

He won't say anything, says Terence.

Then ouch wasn't a useful example. says Monique. And another thing, does he know he's two ducks and not really a parrot?

Who knows what a parrot knows? says Terence.

You are a bad owner, says Monique. Okay let's get the wheels off.

She looks to see how they're attached.

Dad, says Monique. Have you got a screw driver?

Of course not, says the scary passenger (Monique's dad) from the other side of the aisle. Passengers aren't allowed to bring screwdrivers onto an aircraft.

We'll have to smash them off, says Terence. 

There's another way, says Monique. 

She wrenches the first duck off its platform. 

Woohoo. She is strong!

Ouch! says the duck, freed at last from its platform, its wheels and the second duck, whom he never liked anyway.

Bandage Boy

The little girl looks up.

Terence looks down from his perch on  the trolley.

Get ready for your lunch, says Terence.

He is holding the tray at a precarious angle.

Watch out, bandage boy! says the girl. You're tipping it.

Nothing will happen, says Terence. It's covered.

Just give it to her, says the flight attendant. I have more lunches to deliver.

A bread roll drops onto the little girl's lap.

Told you! says the girl.

It's your fault! says Terence. You're meant to pull your tray table down. Twist the handle..

It's not a HANDLE, says the girl.

What is it then? asks Terence.

A latch, says the girl. What happened to your foot?

The flight attendant has had enough. She looks back. Has Gaius finished eating his wrap yet?. No he's still eating, as though he has all the time in the world. He might have, but she hasn't.

She takes the girl's lunch from Terence. Plonks it on the girl's tray (now in its proper position), edges round to the front of the trolley and lifts Terence off.

Give him to me, says a passenger, over the aisle.

Don't! says Terence.

It's just so she can get on with delivering our lunches, says the passenger. You're obstructing the trolley. 

He can sit next to me, says the girl. There's room on my seat.

Terence would rather sit next to her than the passenger, who looks a bit scary.

He clambers up. The flight attendant moves forward, unencumbered.

Does your foot hurt? asks the girl.

What do you think? asks Terence.

No, says the girl. Because you're made of cement,

I fell out of the overhead locker, says Terence. So did my parrot. I might take his wheels off and use them myself.

Like skates, says the girl. 

Yes, says Terence.

A plan is forming. He will have skates and whizz everywhere.

But you don't have shoes, says the girl.

I'll be getting some, says Terence.

Easy. What a wonderful plan.

Continuity On Wheels

Terence is sitting on Gaius's lap.

Feeling better? asks Gaius.

No, says Terence. Can I have my parrot?

Here it is, says David, passing it across to Pierre-Louis. It's a fine piece of work. 

Yes, says Pierre-Louis. Hand-crafted. Does it quack?

It does, says David. But the quack is quite short.

It would last longer if you pulled it along on the floor, says Vello. It needs continuity.

Yes, says David. I only tried it down the length of my leg. Half a leg actually.

That's the trouble with pull-along toys on an aircraft, says Vello.

They're best kept in an overhead locker, says David. But of course, it was up there, and fell out.

Can I HAVE it? asks Terence.

Pierre-Louis who has been examining the craftsmanship, hands it over.

My parrot has wheels, says Terence.

That's how it works, says Gaius, running his hand under the wheels. The two ducks clack together. Clack- clack. 

I might get wheels, says Terence. As soon as my glue sets.

You won't need wheels, says Gaius. My fish glue sets hard.

If I had wheels, says Terence. I could roll everywhere.

But you couldn't ride a pony, says Gaius.

Terence thinks he wouldn't care much about that

He looks at his parrot.

It would be a much better parrot if it was one duck, not two ducks, and didn't have wheels.

The food trolley is approaching.

How is Gaius supposed to pull down his food tray, with Terence on his lap? 

The flight attendant is helpful.

Here is your warm spinach and lemon dahl wrap, says the flight attendant. And your orange juice. What's the little boy having?

Nothing, says Gaius. But is there somewhere he could sit while I eat my luncheon?

Certainly sir, says the flight attendant. Give him to me.

She lifts Terence onto the trolley.

You can give out one of the lunches, says the flight attendant, to Terence.

She wheels him slowly forward.

She stops, and hands Terence a small covered food tray.

Give that little girl her bean croquette, says the flight attendant.

Terence leans sideways with the tray......

Fish Glue Escapes Customs

Is Terence broken? asks Pierre-Louis.

He is in two parts, says Gaius. 

Wah! cries Terence.

His overhead parrot-duck swings wildly.

Someone should get those ducks down! says a passenger from over the aisle.

First things first, says Gaius. My young charge appears to be broken.

But someone could hit their head on the ducks, says the passenger.

It's a parrot, says Terence. 

But not loudly.

He looks at himself. 

I'm ruined, says Terence.

One of his feet has come off.

We can fix it, says Gaius. 

What's going on? asks the flight attendant, who took her time coming, but is here now.

She pulls on the string, intending to take down the parrot.

Gaius's backpack falls out of the overhead locker, due to a tangle.

Sorry, says the flight attendant. I didn't expect that to happen.

Don't you have some sort of training? asks Vello.

Pardon? says the flight attendant. 

Pulling a string, dangling from an overhead locker, says Vello. 

Risky, says David. As we have just witnessed.

No harm done, says Gaius. In fact it is fortuitous. I can access my fish glue.

You brought glue into the aircraft? says the flight attendant. How has it escaped customs?

Fish glue always escapes customs, says Gaius. It is not modern glue.

Fix me! says Terence. And stop talking.

May I? asks Gaius.

I suppose so, says the flight attendant. But would you like me to do it? I have first aid training.

Wonderful, says Gaius. I should not like to be thought responsible for the powerful fish smell.

The flight attendant would not like to be thought responsible for it either, but feels she can't back out now.

She carries Terence, his foot and the powerful fish glue to the front of the aircraft and disappears behind a curtain.

She places Terence on a narrow shelf.

What sort of infant are you? asks the flight attendant.

Broken, says Terence. I used to have side curls, but they came off when I was riding a pony. And I've got a claw.

How did that happen? asks the flight attendant opening the jar of fish glue.

Baby Bristlebird has my finger, says Terence. And I've got his claw. We're blood brothers.

You've had a interesting childhood, says the flight attendant, smearing fish glue on Terence's foot, and then on his ankle, and pressing them together.

A strong fishy smell floats through the cabin

The passengers hope it isn't a clue to their lunch.

Now I'll just wrap it with this non-stick stretch bandage, says the flight attendant. Then I'll carry you back to your carer. You can sit on his lap.

I want to walk back, says Terence.

You can't, says the flight attendant. The glue won't have set yet.

What if it never sets? asks Terence.

Then you'll have to have a metal piece inserted, says the flight attendant. And maybe some wheels.

This is fanciful on her part. She's not a doctor.

Terence is aghast. A metal piece inserted!

But wheels might be good.

Deadline In Two Parts

Charles de Gaulle airport.

Where is Arthur? asks Gaius.

It's just us, says Vello. You, me, Pierre-Louis and David.

And me and my parrot, says Terence.

Why isn't he coming? asks Gaius.

He is coming, says Terence. I just told you.

Not the parrot, says Gaius. I was referring to Arthur.

They're flying back via Melbourne, says David. Ranger Roger lives there.

He lives in the Central Highlands, says Gaius. Don't tell me they're all going there!

No idea, says Vello. As long as Sweezus meets his deadline.

What's a deadline? asks Terence.

A time limit, says Vello. If you don't make the deadline you're dead.

Hear that? says Terence to parrot. If you don't learn to fly soon you're dead.

That is unfair, says Gaius. The parrot is wooden.

The parrot (or two wooden ducks, joined together), makes no sign of understanding.

Figuratively dead, says Vello. I wouldn't go so far as to top Sweezus.

Ha ha, laughs David. I'd like to see you try it.

Terence thinks he ought to tell Sweezus this.

Flight Q567 is now boarding, says a muffled announcer.

They shuffle onto the plane.

Where is this child's ticket? asks the attendant.

He doesn't have one, says Gaius. He is part of my luggage.

Then he must complete the flight in your back pack, says the attendant.

No way! says Terence. My parrot has a deadline.

I see no parrot, says the attendant. I'll be walking down the aisle in a minute, and I don't want to see this infant.

You won't, says Gaius. 

The flight attendant lets them get on.

They find their seats mid aircraft.

They are all in a row.

Vello (window seat). David, Pierre-Louis and Gaius.

Terence stands in the aisle, with his parrot.

Gaius lifts them both into the overhead locker

You can come down as soon as we're flying, says Gaius. Be ready.

We'll be ready, says Terence. 

It's dark in the overhead locker.

The plane takes off.

Suitcases bump into back packs and boxes.

This is bad for my cracks, says Terence.

The two wooden ducks comprising the parrot rub together. Squack-squack.

Is that you or me? asks Terence.

Aeons pass, and several deadlines.

>>>> ------ ------ ------

At last the overhead locker opens.

The parrot-ducks tumble out and swing in mid air, suspended by string.

Terence falls into Gaius's arms... in two parts.

Parrot With String

Team Philosophe and Team Condor have met up for crepes at La Creperie du Clown, in Paris.

Terence has brought his new parrot.

It's two wooden ducks joined together.

Nice toy, says Arthur. Is it your new parrot?

It's not a real parrot, says Terence. It's got string.

That means you can teach it to fly, says Arthur. 

Don't encourage him, says Belle.

Is everyone ready to order? asks a waiter.

I am, says Gaius. One buerre sucre.

I'll have the same, says David.

I'll have a citron pressé, says Vello.

Sweezus and Arthur order Nutellas.

Ranger Roger and Pierre-Louis choose caramel salé.

Belle goes for a jam one, myrtille. 

Now the Tour is over, says Vello, what are everyone's plans?

I ought to go home, says Pierre-Louis. 

Must you? says Gaius. I was hoping you might come back to Adelaide.

What for? asks Pierre-Louis.

In search of the orange-bellied parrot, says Gaius.

Aren't they extinct? asks Sweezus.

Not quite, says Gaius. Although they are possibly extinct in Adelaide. There's the challenge.

How can you be extinct in Adelaide? asks Sweezus.

Good question, says Vello. I ask myself that quite often.

Very funny, says David. So what are our plans?

Back to the office, says Vello. People to interview. The list has piled up. I'll leave the lesser lights to Sweezus.

Hey, says Sweezus. I need a break first.

Make it brief, says Vello.

The crepes have arrived.

They start eating.

Ranger Roger finishes first. He's a fast eater.

Want to hear the second half of my Tour Poem? asks Ranger Roger.

Yes, we'd love to, says Belle.

Ranger Roger stands up.

"A rest day (says Ranger Roger)

The disappearing egg trick

No sleeve needed for that

Terence becomes an icon

Known as infant-and-hat

A second rest day

On the monkey bridge Terence cracks

But he'll recover

Belle bought him a wooden duck that quacks".

Ranger Roger sits down again.

Terence claps.

Stage 21: St-Quentin to Paris - Aerated

At last the final day. The teams leave St-Quentin for Paris.

This is my favourite part of the Tour, says David.

It's a fine part, says Pierre-Louis.

They are wobbling along slowly, and drinking champagne.

Of course, observes Gaius, one could cut out three weeks of hard riding, and just drink champagne.

A foolish thing to do, in normal circumstances, says Vello, pouring himself another.

Careful! says David. 

I wasn't advocating drunken riding, says Gaius. We could sit comfortably, in a bar.

And celebrate not competing, says Vello.

Think of the money we'd save, says David.

Sweezus, Arthur and Ranger Roger are right behind and can hear all the banter.

Is this your last Tour? asks Sweezus. You never told us.

Not at all, says Vello. We're just in an aerated mood.

That's what I'm in, says Ranger Roger. 

Enjoyed your first Tour? asks David.

Yeah, heaps! says Ranger Roger. Who cares that we didn't win anything?

You can still win something, says Arthur.

What? The sprint into Paris? asks Ranger Roger.

The poetry competition, says Sweezus. You haven't done yours yet.

I have, says Ranger Roger. I was up all last night, making a list.

Excellent, says Vello. Give us a burst.

Ranger Roger empties his glass of champagne, and clears his throat.

My Tour, By Me, says Ranger Roger.

Pick up drinks and snacks 

Avoid funny water

Lead the boss out

To what end?

Dax ducks in food bags 

Oyster and nut packs

What rhymes with nuts? 

To what end?

The ancient black carrot, 

The irrelevant parrot

The day Cavendish crashed 

On a bend.

Ranger Roger stops for a breather.

Is that the list or the poem? asks Arthur.

It's the poem, says Ranger Roger. And that's only the first half.

Did Cav crash on a bend? asks Vello .

But no one can remember.

It seems so long ago.

Stage 20: Belfort to Le Markstein - Lucky Duck

The second to last day. 

A double mountain finish.

The French are hoping that Tibaut Pinaut will win. It's his last Tour

The Danes are sure that no one can beat Jonas Vingegaard.

The Slovenians hope that Tadej Pogacar comes good.

Terence has got a new parrot.

At first glance it doesn't look much like a parrot.

The teams ride out of Belfort.

They pass the lucky infant. Today they all see him.

What can this mean?

He doesn't have his hat on a stick.

(in fact, he has lost it).

What he has is a duck. Or is it two ducks?

No one is willing to linger, and find out.

Are ducks lucky? asks Neilsen Powless.

Must be, says Felix Gall. It rhymes.

You're confusing two competitions, says Powless, as he speeds off after Guilio Ciccone.

Sweezus thinks it's more complicated.

See that? says Sweezus. Terence's lost his hat.

Yeah? says Ranger Roger. What's that he was holding?

A duck, says Sweezus. Better known as a parrot.

Actually two ducks, says Arthur. Joined together.

A double duck, says Sweezus. Or double parrot.

What's this about a parrot? asks Ranger Roger.

Terence likes to have a parrot, says Sweezus. A real parrot's best, but any bird will do, 

Failing that, a balloon, says Arthur.

Yeah, says Sweezus.

Are ducks lucky? asks Ranger Roger, echoing Powless's question.

I don't reckon, says Sweezus. 

Balloons might be, says Arthur. 

This is prescient of Arthur. 

Or could be, if Terence had a balloon, instead of a duck. 

Thibaut Pinaut is soloing over the Petit Ballon at this moment. 

The crowds are leaping and cheering and chanting.

How they love Thibaut Pinaut.

But alas. That was his moment.

Vingegaard, Gall and Pogacar (yes! Pogacar has come good!), pass him 3 k before the summit of Platzerwesel.

It's a tight finish, but guess who comes first?

Tadej Pogacar! 

(and he hadn't noticed the duck)

Stage 19: Moirans to Poligny - Cockroach

A hilly stage, no hard mountains. 

Another chance for the sprinters.

The riders pour out from Moirans.

Terence is standing with Marcel, watching.

How are your cracks? asks Marcel.

They need glueing, says Terence, but Gaius is too busy.

I might have some clown glue, says Marcel. Let me see....

I'm not having clown glue, says Terence.

Ribbons? asks Marcel. At least you'd look festive

No, says Terence. What's festive?

Marcel feels playful.

When a crack becomers nasty, says Marcel. It festers.

Like ribbons, says Terence, trying to picture it.

Nasty ribbons of festive.

Ha ha, laughs Marcel. It was only a joke. Festive means fun!

Oh, says Terence. When is Belle coming back?

Shortly, says Marcel. 

Belle is at the Musée de Jouet in Moirans.

She is buying Terence a wooden toy from the gift shop.

She looks at the toys. Is there a parrot?

But we digress.

How is the race going? 

Campanaerts is going strongly, after yesterday's efforts. Asgreen is too.

But so are O'Connor and Mahoric.

Politt has broken a chain. There it is, trailing behind him, like grey metal innards

Clarke is cramping.

A few in the peloton are occupied with a competition for rhyming couplets.

An example from Jai Hindley: I'm not here to look like a cockroach in socks/ I'm here to beat clocks.

Good one, Jai Hindley.

But that's enough. He has no hope of winning.

Who does? 

O'Connor launches with 500 metres to go. He's overhauled by Asgreen. 

Go Asgreen. But no! Mohoric is with him. 

Oof! A photo finish.

It's Mohoric, by a whisker.

Stage 18: Moutiers to Bourg-en-Bresse - Why Achieve?

 A flat stage.

Good it's a flat stage, says Ranger Roger.

Yeah, agrees Sweezus. Yesterday was heaps hard.

What's today's plan? asks Ranger Roger.

Ask Arthur, says Sweezus. He's the brains.

Me, the brains? says Arthur. 

Today you are, says Sweezus. I'm all out of tactics.

Arthur is tickled to be the brains today, and think up the tactics.

Okay, says Arthur. We'll stick to the middle of the peloton.

Is that all? asks Sweezus.

And get on with our poetry competition, says Arthur.

Anything else? asks Sweezus.

Loudly, says Arthur.

I get it, says Ranger Roger. It's to distract the other riders.

Cool, says Sweezus. Let's do this.

The race starts. The riders roll out of Moutiers.

A breakaway forms, with four guys in it.

Team Condor do not try to join them, but position themselves mid-peloton.

Arthur: Finished your poem, Ranger Roger?

Ranger Roger: Nearly. What's a good rhyme for sleeve?

Sweezus: Achieve?

Jasper Philipsen (in passing): Believe?

Tadej Pogacar (also in passing): How about grieve?

It's enough to get the rest of the peloton thinking.

Why achieve? Why believe ? Why grieve?

Does the choice of each rider reflect their team tactic or their state of mind on this flat stage?

Whatever....

It's been a cunning tactic by Arthur.

The breakaway stays in front for the race's entirety, uncluttered by poetry questions.

The only question is who will come first of the breakaway riders?

Asgreen, Eenkhoorne, Abrahamsen or Campanaerts?

Not Campanaerts. He has only been there for Asgreen his team-mate.

Yes! It is Kasper Asgreen of team Soudal Quickstep who wins it.

Quelle surprise!

Okay, surprise doesn't rhyme with sleeve or the other words, but if you pronounce it the French way it's closer.

We'll leave it there......(leave!) 

Stage 17: St-Gervais to Courcheval - Sleeve Science

They call it the queen stage.

This stage is the hardest, says Sweezus. So stay focussed and support me.

What else would we do? says Arthur.

What do you need? asks Ranger Roger.

Food, water, says Sweezus. And leadouts and... keep your eyes open.

Done, says Ranger Roger.

They are fifteen kilometres out from the start.

They are not far behind Tadej Pogacar. 

Watch out! says Ranger Roger.

Corks! Tadej Pogacar has crashed!

A rider in front has braked suddenly, clipping his wheel.

Tadej has injured his knee, his leg is bleeding.

He gets back on his bike and continues.

Phew! says Sweezus. 

Not for Tadej Pogacar, but for himself.

Thanks for the heads up, Ranger Roger.

The race continues.

Ranger Roger is pleased with himself for protecting his team leader.

It makes him feel better after the embarrassment with the sleeve.

It seemed perfectly reasonable that an egg might vanish into an upside-down pocket sewn into a sleeve.

But not so, apparently.

Terence had tried to make him feel better.

What was it he said?

I wore a sleeve for a costume, in a play once. It was red. Belle made it. I was an otter.

Nice little fellow. Pity he fell off the monkey bridge on the rest day and got nasty cracks. 

Let us leave Ranger Roger to his musings.

How is Tadej?

Ooh! Not so good.

He feels hot, and his jersey is flapping wide open.

He pedals after his rival, but his rival is disappearing, like an egg up a sleeve...

I'm dead, thinks Tadej. 

He is not dead of course, but it feels that way. Today is the worst!

And Vingegaard now has 7 minutes 35 seconds up his sleeve.

Stage 16: Passy to Combloux - Itchy Cracks

Today it's the time trials. 

A short ride from Passy to Combloux.

Team Condor is not feeling top notch.

All that cream yesterday, says Sweezus.

And all that potato, says Ranger Roger. 

And all that beer, says Arthur.

At least today's a short one, says Ranger Roger. How hard can it be?

Yeah, as long as we do kind of average, says Sweezus. 

But we don't know what average will be, says Ranger Roger.

Until it's too late, says Arthur.

Come on, says Sweezus. Let's get to the start gate. 

They trundle across.

Hello boys, says Vello. Feeling poorly?

No way! says sweezus. We're all good to go.

Enjoy the picnic yesterday? asks David.

I learned something, says Ranger Roger.

So you did, says Gaius. You don't need a sleeve for the disappearing egg trick.

It must be for a different trick, says Ranger Roger.

But there's no time to uncover that now.

The riders roll down the slope at intervals to begin their time trial.

The rider with the best time has to sit in the hot seat. 

Wout van Aert does it in 35 minutes 27seconds.

That's awesome. Wout is so fast!

He sits in the hot seat.

Now it's Pogacar's turn. Followed by Vingegaard, who is setting out last.

Terence waits at the finish with Belle.

Are you feeling okay? asks Belle.

No, says Terence. My cracks are all itchy.

I should never have let you go over the monkey bridge yesterday, says Belle.

Zoom! here comes Tadej Pogacar.

What a speed ace. He's done it in 34 minutes 14 seconds!

Wout is booted out of the hot seat.

Pogacar sits down.

How will his arch rival Vingegaard go?

Pogacar is feeling reasonably confident in the hot seat.

Until...

Kaj za vraga!

Vingo stops the clock at 32 minutes 36 seconds!

Crikey! says Belle.

Rest Day: St-Gervais Mont-Blanc - Monkey

A well-deserved rest day.

Belle has prepared a surprise.

We're having our picnic in Les Thermes Adventure Park, says Belle.

Do we really need an adventure? asks Vello.

I thought it would be nice for Terence, says Belle. They have ziplines and monkey bridges.

He'll crack himself open, says David.

Not if one of us goes with him, says Belle. The others can relax in the thermal spas.

Team Condor is also invited. 

As are Marx and Marcel the clown.

Soon everyone is sitting beside a thermal spa under a colourful umbrella.

Ah, this is relaxing, says Pierre-Louis.

What's to eat? asks Sweezus.

Tartiflette, rosti and farcon, says Belle.

Aren't they all made with potato? asks Sweezus.

Well yes, but they're not all the same, says Belle. Try the farcon. It's bacon-wrapped potato cake topped with prunes and raisins in cream.

I always enjoy eating that, says Marcel. The prunes remind me of my grandmother's cure for constipation. She had...

I'm having a bit of trouble with your disappearing egg trick, says Marx.

Everyone is glad of the intervention.

Is there an egg at this picnic? asks Marcel.

Yes, says Belle. I packed a few hard-boiled eggs, in case anyone...

May I have one? says Marcel.

Don't you need a sleeve? asks Ranger Roger.

No, says Marcel. Just an egg and two hands.

He takes the egg and rolls it between his palms.

Back and forth. He closes his fist round the egg, withdraws his other hand and PRESTO! opens the closed fist to reveal NOTHING! The egg has disappeared.

 Shizz! says Ranger Roger. Where'd the egg go? 

In his pocket, says Arthur.

Yes, says Marcel. It is in my pocket.

Can I learn it? asks Terence.

Later, says Marcel. Right now I'd like a slice of farcon.

Everyone helps themselves to the various potato-based dishes.

Marcel recalls his grandmother's experiments with prunes, and their successful outcomes.

There's beer if anyone wants it, says Belle. Bleue, Rousse or Triple Epice.

The beer is soon finished, as the weather is warm

Vello opens four bottles of wine. A Pouillyloche, a Saint Bris, a Givry and a Bourgogne

Belle opens the hamper and takes out the dessert. A Mont Blanc. A chestnut puree vermicelli topped with whipped cream to represent snow on the mountain. 

Yuck! Worms! says Terence.

I'll take Terence to the monkey bridge, says Ranger Roger.

Yay! says Terence.

The others stay beside the thermal spa, imagining themselves soaking in it, but too lazy to move in any direction.

Stage 15: Les Gets to Mont Blanc - Welk Geluk!

Another day in the mountains.

Team Jumbo Visma plans to make everyone work hard.

The plan is working, until suddenly it isn't.

A spectator holding his phone out for a selfie knocks one rider down.

A large tumble ensues, changing the dynamic.

And who knows what else?

For example, Marx was in the process of explaining the disappearing egg trick to the rest of the commentary team.

You need a sleeve... Marx is saying.

(Marx has learned the trick from Ranger Roger, not Marcel the clown).

But at this point the crash happens, cutting short the explanation.

Another example:

Terence is standing beside Marcel, a short way up the road before the first climb.

He is twiddling his Peruvian hat on a stick, because it is too hot to wear it.

Wout Poels rides by.

Wout Poels is not expecting to win stage fifteen, He has never won a stage in the Tour de France ever. 

He sees Terence.

Welk geluk! thinks Wout Poels.

He speeds up with renewed aspiration.

Okay that was not a great example. 

Another example:

Sweezus is happy. He has missed the crash by a hair's breadth.

For a second or two he rides beside Jonas Vingegaard, who has also dodged it.

We were lucky to miss that, says Vingegaard. I hope it hasn't involved one of my team-mates.

Me too, says Sweezus.

For a moment, he feels a bond with Jonas Vingegaard.

Another example?

But no. The crash is behind us, three category climbs are ahead.

Ciccione crests La Croix Fry. 

 Soler crests the next one.

Poels (yes him!) rides solo up the cote des Amarandes, up... over.... down.... and up Mont Blanc to Saint Gervais-les-Bains, winning a Tour de France stage for the first time, after fifteen years trying.

Stage 14: Annemasse to Morzine - Misery

A hard day in the mountains.

But first there's a crash, a mere 6.5 k from the start.

Riders sent sprawling!

Medjes and Pedrero are down. Their hard day in the mountains is over already.

The race is halted for half an hour.  

Team Philosophe is philosophical.

Do you know, says Vello. I had a feeling this would happen.

Exactly this? asks David.

Not exactly this, says Vello. But something like it.

There is always the possibility of disaster, says Gaius. Why today?

As we left Annemasse, we passed the statue of poor old Servetus, says Vello.

Unlucky fellow, says David. Picture of misery.

Indeed, says Gaius. As though he had just fallen off his bicycle and realised that he was out of contention.

As opposed to rotting in prison, being eaten alive by lice, and having only a torn vest for his clothing, and then being burned at the stake by order of John Calvin, says David.

There are many forms of misery, says Vello. 

There are.

The half hour is up. The race resumes.

Is everyone being more careful?

Not much.

There's a battle for King of the Mountain. Ciccone takes the maximum points on the Col de Cou.

The final climb up the Col du Joux Plane is the hardest. 

Vingegaard pips Pogacar at the top. 

But it's not over yet. There's the downhill.

Will Pogacar get the better of his rival?

Yes, just.

But Carlos Rodriguez zooms past them.

He's won the stage!

There are many forms of misery.

But this isn't one of them.

Stage 13: Chatillon to Grand Columbier - Believe

Today is a hard mountain finish.

All the teams have their tactics, about which they keep quiet.

The teams ride out of Chatillon-sur-Chalaronne.

Okay, says Sweezus. I'm really going to go for it this time.

Okay, says Arthur.

Okay, says Ranger Roger.

Michel Kwiatkowski is passing.

Good luck with that! shouts Michel Kwietkowski, over his shoulder.

What the fuck? says Sweezus. Does he know something?

I'll go and ask him, says Ranger Roger.

He speeds up.

It's easy at this stage. Quite flat.

Do you know something? asks Ranger Roger.

If I did, I wouldn't tell you, says Kwietkowski.

You may as well, says Ranger Roger. 

Yeah? says Kwietkowski. How come?

The only thing Sweezus is going for is the poetry competition, says Ranger Roger.

Ha! The famous poetry competition, laughs Kwietkowski. 

You've heard of it? Ranger Roger is surprised. 

Yeah, Richie Porte used to try and get into it, says Kwietkowski. He had this one about a potato. It wasn't that bad...

So anyway, says Ranger Roger, we're no threat. So do you know something?

It's just a rumour, says Kwietkowski. But some of the guys reckon if you see this kid with a hat on a stick standing at the side of the road you're destined to win it.

The whole Tour? says Ranger Roger.

The stage, says Kwietkowski. Thing is, I saw it. The infant-and-hat vision, they call it.

Cool, says Ranger Roger. No need to wish you good luck then.

Can't hurt, says Kwietkowski.

But Ranger Roger is not going to wish him good luck. He drops back.

What'd you find out? asks Sweezus.

He saw the infant-and-hat vision, says Ranger Roger. So he thinks he's a shoe-in.

What's the infant-and-hat? asks Sweezus.

Sounds like Terence, says Arthur. He's got a hat. I saw him twirling it round on a stick.

That means you're going to win the stage, says Ranger Roger. 

I doubt it, says Arthur. You'd have to believe in it first.

Shit yeah, says Sweezus. But it's a cool theme for a poem.

They are now at the foot of the Grand Colombier, an hors categorie mountain.

They pedal up through the corkscrews and loops.

Sweezus is trying to come up with a good rhyme for infant-and-hat.

I'm riding to burst/ man, this is the worst/ but shit, what is that?/ an infant-and-hat/ if I didn't know who the kid is/ I'd be first to the finish.

Yeah he's happy with that.

But not as happy as Michel Kwietkowski, who has no idea who the kid is.

Stage 12: Roanne to Belleville - Vision

A day in the medium-sized mountains.

The sun shines on the hopeful.

Terence is standing at the halfway mark with Belle.

Why don't you take your Peruvian hat off? asks Belle.

Where would I put it? asks Terence.

Find a stick, says Belle. Then you could hang the hat on it.

Terence likes this idea. He goes off to look for a stick.

Don't go too far away, says Belle. I think the breakaway riders are coming.

They are coming.

Is Sweezus in the breakaway? Belle hopes that he is.

He's been down in the dumps lately.

The breakaway passes. Pinot, Martin, Van der Poel, Izagirre, Benoot, Alaphilippe, a few others.... but no Sweezus.

Belle sighs and looks around. Where is Terence?

.......

Ion Izagirre turns to his team-mate Guillaume Martin.

Did you see that? asks Ion Izagirre.

What? asks Guilliame Martin.

An infant at the side of the road, holding a hat on a stick, says Izagirre.

You're dreaming, says Martin. 

Maybe it was a vision only for me, says Ion Izagirre.

If it was, says Martin, that means today is your day.

A hat on a stick? says Izagirre. How might that work?

In mysterious ways, says Martin. You should know it. 

What a good team-mate.

Now Ion is inspired by the infant-and-hat.

Other riders have seen Terence, but not having a team-mate to put two and two together, have not been inspired by the infant-and-hat.

I'm going for it, says Izagirre. 

There's still thirty kilometres to go, says Martin.

Seize the moment! says Izagirre. Last time I won a Tour de France stage was seven years ago.

I know, mate, says Martin. You're thirty four now. 

Oop! Was that thoughtless?

But no.

Nothing will stop Ion Izagirre. He rides like a Spanish warrior under the uplifting banner of infant-and-hat.

He wins the stage easily.

At the finish he is smart enough not to mention the infant-and-hat.

Stage 11: Clermont-Ferrand to Moulins - Flatty

 A better day. Not as hot. A flat stage.

No one is in much of a hurry.

Belle has left food bags with Marcel and taken Terence to Moulins to show him something.

Marcel wonders what it might be.

He's standing next to a person in a blue cow suit.

Do you know Moulins at all? asks Marcel.

Moo, says the person in the cow suit.

I am asking because a person with whom I'm acquainted has taken my young assistant ahead to Moulins, says Marcel.

Moo? says the cow person.

She wishes to show him something, says Marcel. And I'm wondering what might be of interest to a young person in Moulins.

Master of Moo-lins, says the blue cow.

And that is? asks Marcel.

But he must wait for the answer. 

Team Philosohpe rolls by, with their hands out.

What's in our food bags today? shouts Vello.

Stuffed cabbage and pork lard brioche, shouts Marcel.

We can't see Vello's face, as he has already sped off, but Gaius looks eager to try it.

Now... says Marcel to the cow.

But the cow has melted into the crowd, which it could only have done by removing its cow head.

I'll have to find out later, thinks Marcel.

But we needn't wait. Let's go to Moulins and see what Terence is seeing.

Belle and Terence are inside Moulins Cathedral, looking at the famous triptych, painted by the Master of Moulins.

Do you like it? asks Belle. Aren't the colours stunning. And look at the garland of angels around the Virgin and Child.

Terence looks up at the Child.

He looks like his friend Fatty. Except he is flat. And one leg is crooked up to cover his willy. 

Can you talk? asks Terence.

A bit, says the Child. But it's hard with my mouth closed.

Who are those people in the side pictures? asks Terence.

Don't stare at them, says the Child. They're meanies. 

Woo! says Terence. Do you have a weapon?

No, says the Child. Do you have a weapon?

No, says Terence. But I can get one. 

Get me one, says the Child.

Terence is about to run off and look for a weapon.

Belle stops him. 

He can't have a weapon, says Belle. And they're not meanies. He's Duke Pierre the Second of Bourbon and she's the Duchess.

She looks mean, says Terence.

I'm sure she wasn't, says Belle. But what do you think of the Virgin?.

Asleep as usual, says Terence. Anything could happen and she wouldn't know.

Belle laughs.

We'd better go and wait at the finish, says Belle. Say goodbye to the Child.

Bye, Flatty, says Terence.

That's a good name for him, says Belle.

They go to the finish, where people are cheering.

A fast sprint. Who's winning? Is it Groenewegen? Bauhaus? 

No! 

Wouldn't you know it!

Jasper Philipsen triumphs again.

Stage 10: Vulcania to Issoire - Honour

A very hot day. A stage that is hilly.

But the riders are keen.

Bang! They burst out of Vulcania like rockets.

A group forms at the front. 

Even Tadej and Vingo are in it.

What has got into everybody?

Should we try and keep up? asks David.

Why not? says Vello. 

I can think of a few reasons, says David.

It's hot, says Pierre-Louis. But you get used to it.

Until the first hill, says Gaius. That's when you realise.

Do we have any ice? asks Vello.

No. Shall I go back? asks Pierre-Louis.

Don't bother, says David. Look who's up the road there.

It's Marcel, in his clown suit, with Terence.

Marcel is shaking his giant bottle of funny water.

It sounds like it's filled with crushed ice.

Want some? shouts Terence.

I'll stop, says Pierre-Louis. You others continue.

He stops.

He empties his drink bottle, and Marcel refills it with crushed ice made of funny water.

What is funny water exactly? asks Pierre-Louis.

It's whatever you want it to be, says Marcel. Think of your favourite.......

It isn't! says Terence.

Only because you haven't thought hard enough, says Marcel.

I don't have time for this, says Pierre-Louis. Just tell me it isn't illegal.

Well, don't drink it, says Marcel. It will cool you if you tip some down the back of your jumper. The sensation evokes......

So it is illegal, thinks Pierre-Louis. And I've tipped out my normal water. What now?

He speeds up to the others, passing Team Condor.

He's in a hurry, says Sweezus.

He has ice, says Arthur. He needs to get it to the others.

Ice! says Ranger Roger. Where'd he get it from?

Back there, says Arthur. Marcel and Terence had crushed ice. Didn't you see them?

No, says Ranger Roger. I was rehearsing the disappearing egg trick in my head.

Cool, says Sweezus. Do you really know how to do it?

You need a sleeve, says Ranger Roger. 

Show me later, says Sweezus. But right now, go back for some ice.

Ranger Roger drops back, to get some.

To be honest, it's probably not worth following these guys this morning.

They're not going to win anything.

Up at the front, groups form and crumble. Counter attacks drop away.

A few riders are super determined, as if on a mission.

Neilands, Zimmerman, Ben O'Connor, Pello Bilbao.....

Neilands is passed.

Zimmerman... Ben O'Connor...

Olé! 

Pello Bilbao wins it for the glory of Spain and to honour a team-mate who died recently.

After the finish, Bilbao is tearful.

Rest Day: Clermont-Ferrand - Vercingetorix

It's rest day, in Clermont-Ferrand

Belle has invited Team Condor to join Team Philosophe for a picnic.

They meet in the Place de Jaude under the statue of Vercingetorix.

A fine place for a picnic! says Vello. No grass.

But there are fountains, says Belle. And we can sit on these cement blocks, under these trees.

Ridiculous, says Vello. But I suppose it will be cooler. What are we having?

Belle opens the hamper.

Try a glass of this, says Belle, while we wait for the others.

She opens a bottle of Cave de Verny pinot noir.

Gaius and David arrive together.

Where's Terence? asks Belle.

Where do you think? Running in and out of the fountains, says Gaius. I told him to be careful.

Is Marcel coming? asks David. 

Yes, here he is now.

Greetings, says Marcel. Did you know Terence is running through the fountains?

Yes we knew, says Belle. Have a glass of this pinot noir.

Sweezus arrives, with Arthur and Ranger Roger.

Well, this is nice, says Gaius. Everyone's here.

Not everyone, says Belle. Marx is supposed to be coming.

Let's start eating, says Sweezus. What's in the hamper?

Warm truffade, Avergne potée, and apple tart, says Belle. Sit down first, I'll give you a paper towel. The truffades will be greasy.

Matteu Jacobsen wanders by and stops to look up at Vercingetorix.

He looks dejected, says Belle. Shall I offer him something?

She waves at Matteu Jacobsen.

He comes over, and accepts a greasy truffade.

Bad luck yesterday, says Sweezus. Coming fourth, after all that effort.

Thanks, says Matteu Jacobsen. Guess it wasn't meant to be.

That's the spirit! says Vello.

Terence has fallen over, says Marcel. Shall I go and help him?

Yes, go, says Belle.

Marcel goes over to help Terence.

Marx happens by. He stops when he sees Terence on the ground with Marcel leaning over him.

What's this? says Marx.

Grandpa! says Terence

He fell over, says Marcel.

Are you that CLOWN? asks Marx. 

I am, but it's a rest day, says Marcel.

Would you show me the disappearing egg trick? asks Marx. Everyone in the commentary room wants to know how you do it.

He doesn't do it, says Terence. He pretends.

That is what tricks are, says Marx, but there is an art to them

Oh, says Terence.

What else can he say? Grandpa knows everything. But wait, how come he doesn't know how to do the disappearing egg trick?

Terence stands up. He is wet but okay.

Marcel, Marx and Terence walk across to the picnic.

Sorry I'm late, says Marx. I was inspecting the Gothic cathedral over there. I learned that it's black because it's made of black lava stone. 

That explains it, says Vello. 

Papa, says Belle. Do eat something. 

A slice of that tart, says Vello.

Got any eggs? asks Marcel.

No, says Belle. I didn't think...

That's all right, says Marcel. Marx asked me to show him a trick.

The disappearing egg trick? asks Ranger Roger. I know how to do it.

You need an egg though, says Belle.

Disappear a truffade, says Arthur.

But the truffades have disappeared already.

Never mind. Theres still plenty of potée and pinot and tart.

It's a good picnic. Matteo Jacobsen won't forget it.

Stage 9: St-Léonard-de-Noblet to Puy-de-Dome - Chains

Another hot day.

The teams ride out of Saint-Léonard-de-Noblet.

And who was Saint Léonard?

If we listen in, someone may tell us.

Team Condor rolls by.

Ranger Roger: I've got a good rhyme for carrot.

Sweezus: Me too.

Ranger Roger: It's not the same one is it?

Sweezus: Better not be.

Arthur: What is it? Let me guess. Parrot?

Ranger Roger: That's it. The only problem is...

Sweezus: I know. Why refer to a parrot?

Arthur: Was yours parrot? 

Sweezus: Yeah, mine was parrot, but I'm open to suggestions. 

Arthur: Les carottes des couleurs anciennes....

Sweezus: Bugger off, Arthur.

Arthur buggers off, eventually catching up with the breakaway.

Michael Woods: Hey Arthur! Found your legs today?

Arthur: I just got told to bugger off.

Pierre Latour: Stick with us then.

Arthur: Thanks. Do you guys do poetry competitions?

Matej Mohoric: No. Some of us have to work

Arthur: Good point. Me too. 

Arthur drops back. 

He draws level with Team Philosophe, who are preparing themselves for the climb up Puy de Dome, by eating leftover carottes.

But not talking about carottes.

Vello: Been up the front, Arthur? You look knackered.

Arthur: Mm.

Vello: Pierre-Louis was just telling us about Saint Léonard de Noblet.

Gaius: Yes, a most interesting saint. The patron saint of prisoners. 

David: Pray to him, and your chains fall away.

Arthur: Best not pray to him then.

Gaius: Ha ha, good one Arthur. We don't want our chains falling away.

Pierre-Louis: He was also the patron saint of pregnant women.

Vello: You don't say? I wonder how that came about?

Pierre-Louis: And diseases of cattle.

David: The patron saint of diseases of cattle?

Pierre-Louis: I imagine you prayed to him if your cattle....

Vello: ....were diseased. That would be it. What an all-rounder!

They are now at the base of the Puy de Dome, and need to concentrate their efforts.

Although, Michael Woods (1st), Pierre Latour (2nd) and Matej Mohoric (3rd) have already done it.

Stage 8: Liborne to Limoges - Fate

 A hilly stage. 

Several riders think they could win it.

Mads Pedersen is one

Jasper Philipsen is one.

Mark Cavendish is another.

Hasn't he given up yet?

We'll see.

Team Philosophe is riding together in the midst of the peloton.

They pass lovely chateaux without even noticing.

They are busy discussing the carottes that Belle has placed in their food bags.

Look at this! says David. A black one!

Yes, a varieté ancienne.

Belle has got up early and visited the farmers market, on Place Abel Surchamp, and bought a bunch of long thin multi-coloured carottes.

Red, white, orange, yellow, purple and black.

David has got a black one.

There's something unappetising about a black carotte, says David.

Don't stare at it, bite it, says Vello.

David is about to when Ranger Roger rides up.

Hi guys, says Ranger Roger. 

Good to see you making an effort, says Vello.

I had to go back for drinks, says Ranger Roger. What's that? A black carrot?

It is, says David. Tastes surprisingly good, if you don't look at it.

Ranger Roger sees that Gaius has a long thin purple one, which he has bitten into.

What's it like? asks Ranger Roger.

Gaius offers him a bite, but Ranger Roger declines. 

After all they are not in the same team.

He speeds off to catch up with Sweezus and Arthur, his team mates.

They have just passed Marcel and Terence, who have given them feed bags.

They have both pulled out carottes.

Sweezus has a white one.

Arthur has a yellow one.

Carrots! says Ranger Roger. Team Philosope's got the same. David has a black one.

What's Belle thinking? wonders Sweezus.

Maybe she's thinking like, poetry.... like give up with the beans ... what rhymes with carrot....?

He thinks of the obvious ...parrot.... which reminds him of tarot, which doesn't rhyme with carrot but which yeah, it's all about fate really...

And that's true.

Would you believe it? 

Up the road, with 64 km to go, Mark Cavendish is down!

Crashing. With broken collarbone. It's the end of his hopes.

But the race must go on.

Mads Pedersen first, Jasper Philipsen second, Wout van Aert third. 

It's all about fate.

Really.

Stage 7: Mont-de-Marsan to Bordeaux- Pip

It's one for the sprinters.

Mark Cavendish has a plan, which involves winning.

He tries looking relaxed.

Sweezus rolls up behind him.

Good luck today, says Sweezus.

Thanks, says Mark Cavendish. Same to you. 

Got a plan? asks Sweezus.

Yeah, says Mark Cavendish. Sort of. You?

Sit back for a bit, says Sweezus. Try to think up a good rhyme for beans.

Does it have to be plural? asks Mark Cavendish.

I guess not, says Sweezus. 

Bean rhymes with spleen, says Mark Cavendish.  

Yeah, thanks says Sweezus. I'll keep it in mind if I ditch the plural.

They both head to the start point.

Bang! Off they go.

It's flat and it's hot.

Guglielmi attacks early.

No one cares.

Who's that guy? asks Terence, who is standing at the 74 km mark with Marcel the clown.

Guglielmi, says Marcel. 

Is he winning? asks Terence.

No, says Marcel. Here come Latour and Peters. They will pass him, and then I shall not be surprised if they themselves are passed on the streets of Bordeaux....

Then what? asks Terence.

I hadn't finished my sentence, says Marcel.

I know, says Terence. I was trying to make you do two short ones.

I see, says Marcel, well to continue.... but where was I....? 

On the streets of Bordo, says Terence.

Of course, says Marcel. As we all know Mark Cavendish would dearly love to win this stage as it holds great importance to him for several reasons, one being that by winning it he would break a record...

Woo, says Terence. So he's going to GO for it! 

He is, says Marcel. But I predict that Jasper Philipsen is going to pip him.

With a pip? asks Terence.

No, it's a racing expression, says Marcel.

The peloton passes by.

Marcel holds out his giant bottle of funny water.

A few riders nod agreement.

Marcel shakes the funny water bottle with his finger over the nozzle. Then let's it go.

Fizz-spwoosh!

The riders who get showered with funny water give Marcel the thumbs up.

That was the best trick ever! says Terence. Can I learn it?

It is a good trick, and Marcel is pleased that Terence wishes to learn it.

He will be even more pleased when he learns of the fulfilment of his earlier prediction.

Mark Cavendish, perhaps, not so much.

Stage 6: Tarbes to Cauterets- Good Legumes

Another day in the mountains.

Ugh! says David. Why do we do this?

Why do you always ask? says Vello.

For the challenge, says Gaius.

For the glory of France, says Pierre-Louis.

That counts me out, says David. Although, they do love me here.

Me too, says Gaius. 

You? says Vello.

Counted out, says Gaius. Not loved particularly. Having said that, I do have a soft spot for Tarbes.

Old Roman town is it? says David.

 Indeed, says Gaius. 

Belle appears, with Terence.

Guess what? says Terence. You've got beans in your food bags.

Surely not! exclaims Vello.

Yes papa, says Belle. Tarbois beans, the best in the world. They'll help you up the col du Tourmalet, if you're flagging.

Ha ha, jet propulsion! laughs David.

The race starts. 

Everyone has their own race plan.

Tadej Pogacar is determined he'll do better than yesterday. 

Jonas Vingegaard is determined that's not going to happen.

Sweezus, who has given up his dream (for the moment) of being King of the Mountain, is still trying to think up a good rhyme for oysters.

How's it going? asks Arthur.

Nothing fuckin' rhymes with oysters, says Sweezus. 

Try putting the oysters mid-line, suggests Arthur.

Can I do that with nuts? asks Ranger Roger.

Do what you like, says Arthur. 

I do like, says Ranger Roger. I'm sick of busting my guts over nuts.

Ha ha, laughs Sweezus. Okay now, shut up team, I'm thinking.

He idly slips a hand into his ovoid back pocket.

And pulls out a handful of beans.

Yeah, beans! Oysters were yesterday, and shitloads of words rhyme with beans.

He pedals thoughtfully up through the loops of the col du Tourmalet.

Up .

And down. Then up the next one.

The ascent to Cambasque Plateau.

The air is redolent with jet propulsion.

Has everyone snacked on those fine Tarbois beans?

And has Tadej Pogacar had more than anyone? 

Whatever the reason, it's Pogacar and Vingegaard until 2.7 k from the finish, when Pogacar attacks, winning the stage with good legs.

Stage 5: Pau to Laruns - Rhymes With Nuts

A day in the Pyrenees. 

Team Condor is ready.

I'm going for King the Mountain, says Sweezus. You got the nuts?

Ranger Roger knows what he means

 

He has a load of shelled walnuts in his back pocket. 

You? says Sweezus, looking at Arthur.

Oysters, says Arthur.

And no funny water this time, says Sweezus. 

That was ONCE, says Arthur.

Bang! The teams ride out of Pau.

Along... along... along...

Up the horrible Col de Soudet.

Sweezus snacks on an oyster.

Jai Hindley comes up behind.

What's that you've got, mate? asks Jai Hindley.

Oyster, says Sweezus. Want one?

I'll pass mate, says Jai Hindley.

He passes Sweezus.

As do a few others.

Along... along... along...

Up the Col de Marie Blanche.

Sweezus chews on his nuts.

To no avail. 

He is passed by Ciccone, Gall, Vingegaard, Pogacar.......

He gives up on his KOM dream.

Arthur and Ranger Roger catch up.

Poetry competition? says Arthur.

Yeah, says Sweezus. May as well win something I'm good at.

You might not win, says Ranger Roger.

Arthur elbows Ranger Roger, who wobbles onto the grass verge and back onto the road again.

Allez allez allez! shouts a French person, flapping a towel.

Sweezus tries to think of a good rhyme with oyster.

Ranger Roger tries to think of a good one with nuts.

Arthur who doesn't do rhyming, thinks outside the box.

L'eau comique, que j'ai bu un fois

n'a m'aidé

mais j'ai esperé que le huitre

pourrait aider mon ami

maintenant je sais que l'eau comique 

pourrait lui aidé mieux.

Awesome, says Sweezus. Too bad it's in French, so you're disqualified.

Arthur doesn't mind. At least Sweezus has been distracted.

But so have we. 

What's happening at the front?

Jai Hindley has soloed to victory. Well done the Aussie!

 His first Tour de France too!

Stage 4: Dax to Nogaro- Diappearing Egg

Before the race.

Belle speaks to the clown.

I wonder if you'd do me a favour, asks Belle.

Mind Terence? asks Marcel. It would be a pleasure. He appreciates my long stories.

I know, says Belle. He told me. And your clown tricks. Especially the box one. But would you also hand these snack bags out to Team Condor?

Certainly, says Marcel. What's in them?

Confit duck and walnuts, says Belle. Same as papa's team is getting.

The famous Dax duck, says Marcel.

... 

It's a fine day again. The stage is a flat one.

The teams roll out of Dax.

Caleb Ewan finds himself next to Arthur.

Hey, Arthur, says Caleb. How's it going?

So so, says Arthur. It would help if we had more to eat.

Yeah, says Caleb. You ought to do something about that.

He speeds off to continue his tactics, which involve saving  his legs until just before the finish, and shooting forward to victory.

Like all the rest of the sprinters.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Here is the feeding station.

Here is Marcel, and with him is Terence.

Terence is on the trick box.

Attention! shouts Marcel, as Sweezus rides towards him. Take this food bag. It's for you! 

Sweezus takes it.

Coolissimo! What's in it? He sneaks a look in.

Walnuts and fatty duck legs. 

He give Marcel a thumbs up, as he cycles away.

What did he get? asksTerence.

Confit Duck, says Marcel. The scent reminds me of grandmother's kitchen and the ducks she kept in the garden which were excellent layers of the biggest eggs I'd ever seen in my life, would you like me to show you one?

Yes, says Terence.

Marcel makes a pass with his hand.

Oops! says Marcel. You were too slow. I've disappeared it.

Thats a rubbish trick! says Terence.

But here come Arthur and Ranger Roger. Terence is ready. He gives them Dax duck food bags too.

They look grateful.

Now let's go to the finish, ignoring the one or two crashes that have happened.

How is Caleb positioned?

Pretty well.

But alas (for him) Jasper Philipsen is right beside him.

Its neck and neck, wheel and wheel, bottom and bottom.

Until...

Caleb comes second.

Stage 3: Amorebieta to Bayonne- Yes!

Alors! Today we leave the Basque country and cross into France.

What a nice day.

Not as humid as yesterday, fine and sunny.

Green grass, trees, a rocky coastline. 

A day for the sprinters.

None of us are sprinters, says Vello. So we'll reserve our energies.

Good idea, says David. 

I agree, says Gaius. The last few weeks are catching up with me.

He ate an apple that had been nibbled by a bat, says Pierre-Louis. It's not too late to show symptoms.

Mon Dieu! says Vello. Why didn't you tell us?

The bat was in good health, says Gaius.

Was it that bat you found in the Adelaide parklands? asks David.

It was, says Gaius. Name of Squattu. It was because of her that we were put off the train early, and almost didn't make it.

Where is she now? asks David. 

She flew home on her own, says Gaius. 

They all imagine Squattu flying home on her own.

Shouldn't we speed up a bit? asks Pierre-Louis. 

I need a snack first, says Vello. Where's that clown?

I've got a few Donostian pastries, says David. Want one?

He hands out the pastries which are still warm from the heat of his body.

Team Philosophe speeds up a little.

The road curves round the coast 

On the next stretch they see Sweezus being led out by Ranger Roger. To what end?

On the stretch after that, they spot the two tiny figures of Powless and Pichon, who are nearly in France.

They see tiny Powless sit up and let tiny Pichon ride into France on his own.

Good view from here, says Vello, chewing his Donostian pastry.

A drone flies over.

The drone sends a picture back to the commentary box, where Marx is commentating on the action.

What's going on here? says Marx. Team Philosophe eating cakes. Good for them. But let's hope they don't get dropped altogether. Now we're seeing Sweezus of Team Condor being led out by his new recruit, a dark horse, one to watch, Ranger Roger. Sweezus is trying to join the bunch at the front.  But he's not going to make it. Oh! Look at that! A master class in leading out by Van der Poel! Jasper Philipsen shoots ahead of his team mate, and YES! it's Philipsen for team Alpecin-Deceuninck! What a great sprint by the Belgian!

From which it is clear that Marx is doing quite well, considering his views on the subject of competition.

Stage 2: Vitoria to San Sebastian - The Box

A fine day, although it rained earlier.

Belle has gone ahead to San Sebastian, to buy cakes.

She has left four musettes with the clown. She has also left Terence.

I can see that you are terrified, says the clown, but you need not be, look at my face and try to remember.

Terence looks at the clown's face.

It is white with a red painted mouth and familiar moustache.

Marcel Proot! says Terence.

Marcel Proust, says the clown

Terence is no longer terrified, but prepared to be bored.

Marcel, who always goes on about cakes he remembers, and things they remind him of. 

Can I give out the food bags? asks Terence.

You are too low, says Marcel.

What if I stand on something? asks Terence.

Such as what? asks Marcel. Of course, one immediately thinks of a chair which unfortunately I did not pre-conceive the need for, nor even a stool, which would have been more convenient being smaller, but how about you stand on this BOX!

Marcel produces a box out of nowhere.

(not really nowhere, it's a clown trick, one of many which Marcel has been studying)

Okay, says Terence.

Marcel lifts Terence onto the box. It is not very stable. 

He hands Terence the musettes.

Just in time too.

Sweezus is passing.

Not him! cautions Marcel. These musettes are for Team Philosophe.

What a pity. Sweezus was about to catch up with the breakaway of Powless, Boassen Hagen and Cavagna. 

But to do it he needed some fuel.

We could have given him water, says Marcel. 

Too late now, says Terence.

Here comes Ranger Roger.

Can he have some water? asks Terence.

If he wants it, says Marcel holding out the giant clown bottle of funny water.

Wisely, Ranger Roger does not accept it.

Team Philosphe trundles by, eventually.

Terence hands out the musettes.

Excellent work Terence! shouts Vello, grabbing the first one.

I see you've lost your fear of clowns! shouts Gaius, grabbing the second.

A Frenchman rides past, from Team Cofidis.

Funny water? shouts Marcel.

Non merci! shouts the Frenchman.

Good choice, Victor Lafay.

He has his own water, and snacks too. He continues towards San Sebastian.

He passes the breakaway, and he passes Pog and Vingo, who have passed the breakaway too.

So, strictly speaking, it was no longer a breakaway

But who cares? Let's follow the Frenchman.

Wheee!

A French guy always wins in San Sebastian. 

That's what they say.

Stage 1: Bilbao to Bilbao - Behind You!

Before the race.

Belle: Take it easy today, guys.

David: We will.

Vello: Don't we always?

Belle: I hope not. How are you feeling, Gaius?

Gaius: Surprisingly energetic. It must be those protein balls I had for breakfast.

Pierre-Louis: And all that coffee.

.....

Not far away, Sweezus is giving last minute instructions.

Sweezus: ....and you drop back to get us our drinks when we need them.

Ranger Roger: Who from?

Sweezus: One of the randoms. We don't have our own guy. Too expensive.

Arthur: I need a drink now.

Sweezus: Go and get one.

Arthur goes off to a clown.

The clown is holding a giant drink bottle.

Hola! says the clown. It's me!

I know it's you, says Arthur. Give me a drink. Is it water?

Funny water, says the clown. Is Terence here? I thought I saw him.

He is, says Arthur, taking a large slurp of funny water.

......

Team UAE is having a last minute pow-wow.

Tadej: The idea is, I come, like, third or something. As long as Vingo's behind

Yates: Good plan, Taddy. Does that mean I can go for it?

Tadej: Yeah you can go for it. And don't get distracted by your twin brother.

Yates: Ha ha! As if!

.....

The teams assemble, for the start in Bilbao. 

Bang. They go off.

It's a bit dull. Not as sunny as we might have expected.

Pedal-pedal. Up hills and down.

....A crash . Who is it? Carapas. Mas is injured.

Arthur is going quite fast. The funny water is working.

Gaius is too. He attributes this to the coffee.

....

The finish. 

Adam Yates and his twin brother Simon ride the last eight kilometers together.

Look behind you! says Simon.

But Adam knows his twin brother and doesn't let himself be distracted