How Lame Their Feathers Be

Pliny the Elder looked chirpy this morning. I decided to risk it.

What were you going to tell me about Feathers yesterday? I asked.

Ah yes! said Pliny, looking pleased to be asked. It is most interesting. It seems the latest research shows that brightness of plumage is not the only factor in determining the sexual attractiveness of birds.

You mean to one another?

Of course! A foolish question!

Sorry. What else determines it ?

That is the interesting part. Stripes and bars, which have until recently been thought to be simply for camouflage, have been found to be a factor as well.

But how do they know that, Pliny?

They have dicovered that some of these striped and barred patterns are more likely to appear on male birds after they reach sexual maturity, and also that such patterns are found mostly on the front of birds.

Mostly on the front! How is that relevant?

Is it not obvious? Most camouflage patterns are found on the back.

And so? Oh I see. You mean when birds interact, they are usually face to face? But are they? I don't know much about the mating habits of birds.

They mate, said Pliny airily, with something called a Cloacal Kiss.

Well thank you Pliny, I said. That begs a question to which I do not wish to know the answer.

And I headed for the door.