Ageless has time to kill.
What to do in the Dubai Shopping Mall?
Ageless approaches an information booth.
Where's the ice rink? he asks the attendant.
Down there, sir, says the attendant. May I offer you a complimentary lift? You look weary.
Yes, I am weary, says Ageless, eyeing the shiny red car.
Ageless is ferried to the ice rink in the shiny red car. He gets out.
Thank you, says Ageless.
Don't forget your hat, says the attendant. You will need it in there.
Ageless enters the ice rink and tries on some blue skating boots.
Why shouldn't he have fun?
The attendant calls Jamila on his mobile.
Suspect's at the ice rink, he says.
Subject, says Jamila. Not suspect.
The attendant laughs. Yeah, yeah, sure.
...........
Gaius and Katherine are still on the bus to Pamukkale.
What a long way it is.
Even Gaius is bored with his notes.
They look out of the window. Stones, trees, villages. Turkish things.
What's your new book, Katherine? asks Gaius.
The Immortalization Commission, says Katherine. By John Gray. Have you ever tried automatic writing?
Can't say I have, says Gaius. Have you?
No, says Katherine. I'm sure it's all nonsense. No one can contact the dead.
Baby Pierre is listening, and thinking.
Can we try it? he asks.
Who do you want to contact? asks Katherine.
Twitcher. He's dead. says Baby Pierre.
He most certainly isn't, says Gaius. That was just Ageless trying it on.
Oh let's, PLEASE, says Lavender. Even if he's not dead, he might answer.
It might be amusing, says Katherine. And help pass the time.
Count me out, says Gaius.
Katherine gets out a notepad, and an orange ball point pen. She concentrates hard for a moment, then starts writing.
........
As for Arthur and Bunny, they have arrived in Kas, and found their hotel, overlooking the beautiful harbour and the Greek island of Meis.
Their room is on the second floor.
The dining room is on the fourth floor, the top floor, with a terrace and wonderful views. There is fresh fish on the menu, and mouth watering meze.
If you buy a certain number of drinks, you qualify for a free lounge chair, down on the beach.
They start ordering drinks.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Thursday, May 30, 2013
The Benefits Of Lying
Arthur and Bunny are now on the Varan, heading for Kas.
It is sunny and the scenery is Turkish.
Arthur is in a better mood now.
Bunny has listed some of the things they can do.
Kayaking, canoeing, jet skiing, diving, paragliding, swimming and snorkelling, says Bunny. Won't it be cool!
Yes I suppose so, says Arthur.
Bunny is encouraged.
We can kayak over a sunken city, says Bunny. How brilliant is that?
Mmm. That is kind of brilliant, says Arthur.
Bunny smiles at her reflection in the lid of the sunflower seed tin.
.........
Meanwhile Gaius and Katherine are on another bus, heading for Pamukkale. It will be a long trip.
How long is it? asks Katherine.
Ten hours, says Gaius. What's the matter? Have you finished your book?
The Purple Cloud? says Katherine. Yes I have.
Ah yes, The Purple Cloud. says Gaius. Did Adam kill Leda?
Weren't you listening? says Katherine. I was reading aloud.
I wasn't listening, says Gaius. I was reading my notes. Don't tell me, if you don't want to.
He DIDN'T! cries Lavender, unable to contain herself any longer. Because of ... GUESS WHAT!
What? says Gaius.
Because Leda tells Adam another Purple Cloud is coming, says Lavender. And he thinks they'll both die really soon. So he comes to her in a boat. And they get married. And after that it's too late. She's going to have a baby.
But what about the Purple Cloud? says Gaius, mildly interested. Won't they all die anyway?
Aha, says Katherine, that's just it. We don't know if Leda has lied, to get her own way.
The logic of this escapes Gaius. He turns back to his notes.
It was the best ending in the world, says Lavender.
Katherine smiles, and takes a new book out of her handbag.
.........
Back in Dubai, Ageless takes stock of his situation.
Bunny won't help him. Gaius won't help him. Doctor Moussalli, Farid and Jamila only care about the Twitcher. And he's lost his red knitted hat.
He goes into Debenham's.
Hello, says Ageless, to the assistant. Do you have a red knitted hat?
We have everything, says the assistant. She goes to the back of the shop and comes back with a red knitted hat.
Very nice, says Ageless. I'll take it.
That will be thirty euros, says the assistant.
It's for someone with cancer, says Ageless, lugubriously. Could you offer a discount, perhaps?
Oh dear, says the assistant, how awfully tragic. Here take it, along with my prayers.
Thank you, says Ageless. May you be rewarded.
He walks out of the shop with the red knitted hat, and does not put it on straight away.
It is sunny and the scenery is Turkish.
Arthur is in a better mood now.
Bunny has listed some of the things they can do.
Kayaking, canoeing, jet skiing, diving, paragliding, swimming and snorkelling, says Bunny. Won't it be cool!
Yes I suppose so, says Arthur.
Bunny is encouraged.
We can kayak over a sunken city, says Bunny. How brilliant is that?
Mmm. That is kind of brilliant, says Arthur.
Bunny smiles at her reflection in the lid of the sunflower seed tin.
.........
Meanwhile Gaius and Katherine are on another bus, heading for Pamukkale. It will be a long trip.
How long is it? asks Katherine.
Ten hours, says Gaius. What's the matter? Have you finished your book?
The Purple Cloud? says Katherine. Yes I have.
Ah yes, The Purple Cloud. says Gaius. Did Adam kill Leda?
Weren't you listening? says Katherine. I was reading aloud.
I wasn't listening, says Gaius. I was reading my notes. Don't tell me, if you don't want to.
He DIDN'T! cries Lavender, unable to contain herself any longer. Because of ... GUESS WHAT!
What? says Gaius.
Because Leda tells Adam another Purple Cloud is coming, says Lavender. And he thinks they'll both die really soon. So he comes to her in a boat. And they get married. And after that it's too late. She's going to have a baby.
But what about the Purple Cloud? says Gaius, mildly interested. Won't they all die anyway?
Aha, says Katherine, that's just it. We don't know if Leda has lied, to get her own way.
The logic of this escapes Gaius. He turns back to his notes.
It was the best ending in the world, says Lavender.
Katherine smiles, and takes a new book out of her handbag.
.........
Back in Dubai, Ageless takes stock of his situation.
Bunny won't help him. Gaius won't help him. Doctor Moussalli, Farid and Jamila only care about the Twitcher. And he's lost his red knitted hat.
He goes into Debenham's.
Hello, says Ageless, to the assistant. Do you have a red knitted hat?
We have everything, says the assistant. She goes to the back of the shop and comes back with a red knitted hat.
Very nice, says Ageless. I'll take it.
That will be thirty euros, says the assistant.
It's for someone with cancer, says Ageless, lugubriously. Could you offer a discount, perhaps?
Oh dear, says the assistant, how awfully tragic. Here take it, along with my prayers.
Thank you, says Ageless. May you be rewarded.
He walks out of the shop with the red knitted hat, and does not put it on straight away.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Dark Thoughts On The Way To Antalya
Bunny and Arthur are on a flight to Antalya.
I feel guilty about Ageless, says Bunny. It's my fault he stayed in Dubai.
If I know one thing about Ageless, says Arthur, it's that he's like you.
What? squeals Bunny. How am I like that self-centred lobster?
He gets what he wants, says Arthur. He'll turn up in Kas.
Then I feel guilty about the Twitcher, says Bunny.
But you don't feel guilty about me, says Arthur.
Why should I? says Bunny. I'm sharing it aren't I?
Arthur looks dark as he thinks of his money. His knees start to itch.
How long till we get there? says Arthur.
Not long now, says Bunny. Then it's two to three hours on the bus. I've already booked us on the Varan.
The Varan? says Arthur. That's the name of the bus?
Yep, says Bunny. Why?
Oh nothing, says Arthur. Last year Gaius and I went looking for a giant claw in Alice Springs. He said it belonged to a Varan.
Cool! Did you find it? asks Bunny.
No, says Arthur. Gaius found two medium sized claws. He was happy enough.
What about you? asks Bunny. Were you happy? You never seem all that happy. Stop scratching your knees.
I'm not scratching, says Arthur, although he knows that he is.
He feels in his pocket for a bandage, feels the end of a stiff one, and pulls it. Out falls the shoe horn.
He picks it up. Examines the shoe horn moodily.
Cheer up. Have some sunflower seeds, says Bunny, shoving the tin in front of his face.
Thanks Bunny, says Arthur, scooping out a large helping with the shoe horn.
Arthur! cries Bunny. Has that been inside Katherine's shoe?
It might have been. Arthur doesn't remember.
He pours the seeds into his mouth.
I feel guilty about Ageless, says Bunny. It's my fault he stayed in Dubai.
If I know one thing about Ageless, says Arthur, it's that he's like you.
What? squeals Bunny. How am I like that self-centred lobster?
He gets what he wants, says Arthur. He'll turn up in Kas.
Then I feel guilty about the Twitcher, says Bunny.
But you don't feel guilty about me, says Arthur.
Why should I? says Bunny. I'm sharing it aren't I?
Arthur looks dark as he thinks of his money. His knees start to itch.
How long till we get there? says Arthur.
Not long now, says Bunny. Then it's two to three hours on the bus. I've already booked us on the Varan.
The Varan? says Arthur. That's the name of the bus?
Yep, says Bunny. Why?
Oh nothing, says Arthur. Last year Gaius and I went looking for a giant claw in Alice Springs. He said it belonged to a Varan.
Cool! Did you find it? asks Bunny.
No, says Arthur. Gaius found two medium sized claws. He was happy enough.
What about you? asks Bunny. Were you happy? You never seem all that happy. Stop scratching your knees.
I'm not scratching, says Arthur, although he knows that he is.
He feels in his pocket for a bandage, feels the end of a stiff one, and pulls it. Out falls the shoe horn.
He picks it up. Examines the shoe horn moodily.
Cheer up. Have some sunflower seeds, says Bunny, shoving the tin in front of his face.
Thanks Bunny, says Arthur, scooping out a large helping with the shoe horn.
Arthur! cries Bunny. Has that been inside Katherine's shoe?
It might have been. Arthur doesn't remember.
He pours the seeds into his mouth.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Who Would Be Ageless?
Arthur, says Bunny.
What? says Arthur.
When someone says It's not like he's dying, and the other person answers It is, that means yes, it's true that he isn't, right?
No, says Arthur. I'd say it means that he is.
Crikey, says Bunny. Then that means the Twitcher is dying. and I just cut Ageless off.
Call him back, says Arthur.
Can't, says Bunny. Oh well...
Someone else's phone is ringing. It is Gaius's phone, ringing somewhere deep in his backpack.
He rummages around, but misses the call.
I wonder who that was? says Gaius. No one knows I'm here.
Gaius, says Mrs Hume. It's a mobile. They don't need to know where you are.
Oh yes , says Gaius. Then who...?
I bet it was Ageless, says Bunny.
The phone rings again. This time Gaius answers.
Gaius, says Ageless. Where are you?
Istanbul, says Gaius. Where are you?
Dubai, says Ageless. Gaius, the Twitcher is dying.
Nonsense, says Gaius. He is in the very best hands. Doctor Moussalli is a cuttlefish man, and the Dubai Aquarium is world famous, as everyone knows.
Humph! They left him to his own devices and now he has mated! says Ageless. At least once and probably twice! Maybe four times, or eight times, or even ten!
I thought he wasn't going to, says Gaius. Dear me, what about his lady in Kas?
Exactly, says Ageless. And so, as the Twitcher is a no-show, will you arrange for me to be couriered to Kas in his stead? I am now stranded here mid good deed.
Is that possible? says Gaius.
Of course it's possible. Just ring up and ask for Jamila, says Ageless. All....
The call is cut off.
That was Ageless, says Gaius.
What did he want? asks Mrs Hume.
I don't know, says Gaius. Something about a good deed. Ha ha. Ageless, a good deed! He is stuck in Dubai and the Twitcher has mated. Ageless is undoubtedly jealous. Now Katherine, .... we must find our bus.
He looks around Istanbul Ataturk Airport for a sign that might signify a bus.
Arthur and I are flying to Antalya, says Bunny. Then we catch a bus on to Kas.
So this is goodbye, says Mrs Hume. Goodbye Bunny, goodbye Arthur. Have fun in Kas.
And you have fun in Pamukkale, says Bunny. Look after your feet. Don't walk too far. And bye bye, Lavender and Baby Pierre! Don't let Gaius throw you into the Gate of Hell. I bet that's what he's planning!
Lavender and Baby Pierre look alarmed, and Gaius looks guilty.
What? says Arthur.
When someone says It's not like he's dying, and the other person answers It is, that means yes, it's true that he isn't, right?
No, says Arthur. I'd say it means that he is.
Crikey, says Bunny. Then that means the Twitcher is dying. and I just cut Ageless off.
Call him back, says Arthur.
Can't, says Bunny. Oh well...
Someone else's phone is ringing. It is Gaius's phone, ringing somewhere deep in his backpack.
He rummages around, but misses the call.
I wonder who that was? says Gaius. No one knows I'm here.
Gaius, says Mrs Hume. It's a mobile. They don't need to know where you are.
Oh yes , says Gaius. Then who...?
I bet it was Ageless, says Bunny.
The phone rings again. This time Gaius answers.
Gaius, says Ageless. Where are you?
Istanbul, says Gaius. Where are you?
Dubai, says Ageless. Gaius, the Twitcher is dying.
Nonsense, says Gaius. He is in the very best hands. Doctor Moussalli is a cuttlefish man, and the Dubai Aquarium is world famous, as everyone knows.
Humph! They left him to his own devices and now he has mated! says Ageless. At least once and probably twice! Maybe four times, or eight times, or even ten!
I thought he wasn't going to, says Gaius. Dear me, what about his lady in Kas?
Exactly, says Ageless. And so, as the Twitcher is a no-show, will you arrange for me to be couriered to Kas in his stead? I am now stranded here mid good deed.
Is that possible? says Gaius.
Of course it's possible. Just ring up and ask for Jamila, says Ageless. All....
The call is cut off.
That was Ageless, says Gaius.
What did he want? asks Mrs Hume.
I don't know, says Gaius. Something about a good deed. Ha ha. Ageless, a good deed! He is stuck in Dubai and the Twitcher has mated. Ageless is undoubtedly jealous. Now Katherine, .... we must find our bus.
He looks around Istanbul Ataturk Airport for a sign that might signify a bus.
Arthur and I are flying to Antalya, says Bunny. Then we catch a bus on to Kas.
So this is goodbye, says Mrs Hume. Goodbye Bunny, goodbye Arthur. Have fun in Kas.
And you have fun in Pamukkale, says Bunny. Look after your feet. Don't walk too far. And bye bye, Lavender and Baby Pierre! Don't let Gaius throw you into the Gate of Hell. I bet that's what he's planning!
Lavender and Baby Pierre look alarmed, and Gaius looks guilty.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Keep It For A Shroud
Halfway to Jamila's office with Farid, Ageless remembers his red knitted hat. He has left it in the aquarium with the Twitcher, and his new lady friends.
Why are you looking so grim? asks Farid. Do you not like Dubai?
I have not seen Dubai, says Ageless. Only this cursed shopping mall.
It is a very fine shopping mall, says Farid. Let me point out to you these shops here, Debenham's, and Esprit. Very fine shops. Also we have a skating rink. Do you like skating? Look up there, the thousands of white butterflies floating above you, and here the sculptures of divers diving over a waterfall......
Brilliant, says Ageless, but I am a lobster. I do not admire sights, or go skating. Nor do I need any shopping. Wait a minute. Yes I do. Is there a shop that sells red knitted hats?
Everything can be got here, says Farid. But may I remind you that you left your red hat in the aquarium. It can easily be retrieved. Shall we go back?
Never! says Ageless. Twitcher can keep it for a shroud.
Aha, says Farid. You are thinking that he will will be dying?
Yes, says Ageless. He will be dying due to lack of self control.
Oh I think he will last a few more weeks after his mating, says Farid. He will make it to Kas.
Really? says Ageless. I don't think so. Farid, can I make a phone call?
Sure, says Farid. He hands Ageless his phone.
Ageless calls Bunny.
Bunny, says Ageless. Where are you?
In Istanbul, says Bunny. We just landed. Where are you?
I'm still in Dubai, says Ageless. At the Dubai Aquarium. I'm afraid I have some bad news. The Twitcher won't be coming to Kas.
Oh well, says Bunny. That's okay. Arthur and I will just have a super awesome holiday without him.
I thought you'd be sorry, says Ageless.
Why? asks Bunny. It's not like he's dying.
It is, says Ageless. But the reason I'm calling....
He is talking to silence.
Bunny has cut off the call.
Why are you looking so grim? asks Farid. Do you not like Dubai?
I have not seen Dubai, says Ageless. Only this cursed shopping mall.
It is a very fine shopping mall, says Farid. Let me point out to you these shops here, Debenham's, and Esprit. Very fine shops. Also we have a skating rink. Do you like skating? Look up there, the thousands of white butterflies floating above you, and here the sculptures of divers diving over a waterfall......
Brilliant, says Ageless, but I am a lobster. I do not admire sights, or go skating. Nor do I need any shopping. Wait a minute. Yes I do. Is there a shop that sells red knitted hats?
Everything can be got here, says Farid. But may I remind you that you left your red hat in the aquarium. It can easily be retrieved. Shall we go back?
Never! says Ageless. Twitcher can keep it for a shroud.
Aha, says Farid. You are thinking that he will will be dying?
Yes, says Ageless. He will be dying due to lack of self control.
Oh I think he will last a few more weeks after his mating, says Farid. He will make it to Kas.
Really? says Ageless. I don't think so. Farid, can I make a phone call?
Sure, says Farid. He hands Ageless his phone.
Ageless calls Bunny.
Bunny, says Ageless. Where are you?
In Istanbul, says Bunny. We just landed. Where are you?
I'm still in Dubai, says Ageless. At the Dubai Aquarium. I'm afraid I have some bad news. The Twitcher won't be coming to Kas.
Oh well, says Bunny. That's okay. Arthur and I will just have a super awesome holiday without him.
I thought you'd be sorry, says Ageless.
Why? asks Bunny. It's not like he's dying.
It is, says Ageless. But the reason I'm calling....
He is talking to silence.
Bunny has cut off the call.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Great Personal Sacrifice
The female Mediterranean cuttlefish are impressed by the size of the Twitcher.
What's your name, handsome? asks the first one.
Sepia Apamis, says the Twitcher.
AKA Twitcher, says Ageless.
Twitcher, hot name! says the second one. And how long are you here?
A week! says Ageless. So am I.
Then what? asks the first one.
I'm being couriered to Kas, says the Twitcher. To meet up with the love of my life.
Oh? says the first female cuttlefish. Have you already met?
Not exactly, says the Twitcher. But I saw her picture on an internet site, and fell for her instantly.
The two female Mediterranean cuttlefish nod sagely.
You want to watch out for those internet sites, says the second.
You wouldn't want to get screwed, says the first.
Exactly, says the second, brushing the Twitcher with her longest tentacle.
Oooh, says the Twitcher. Don't do that. It tickles.
Come for a swim, says the first.
Come! says the second.
The Twitcher starts twitching, in a different way from the usual.
Ageless has had a gutful.
He raps on the side of the temporary aquarium.
Rap! Rap!
An attendant comes up.
What is it? asks the attendant.
Get me out of here, says Ageless. This is not my milieu.
I quite see that, says the attendant. You are no cuttlefish. I can't understand how this happened.
It is a long story, says Ageless. It involves great personal sacrifice on my part. But there are limits.
I shall ask Jamila, says the attendant. I'm sure we can relocate you.
Good man, says Ageless. What's your name?
Farid, says Farid.
Take me with you, Farid, says Ageless. I'm not staying here. It's degrading.
Alright, says Farid. Come. He extricates Ageless, dripping, from the aquarium.
Bye bye Twitcher, says Ageless softly. You made your bed. Now you're done for.
The Twitcher is otherwise occupied. He knows he is not done for yet.
What's your name, handsome? asks the first one.
Sepia Apamis, says the Twitcher.
AKA Twitcher, says Ageless.
Twitcher, hot name! says the second one. And how long are you here?
A week! says Ageless. So am I.
Then what? asks the first one.
I'm being couriered to Kas, says the Twitcher. To meet up with the love of my life.
Oh? says the first female cuttlefish. Have you already met?
Not exactly, says the Twitcher. But I saw her picture on an internet site, and fell for her instantly.
The two female Mediterranean cuttlefish nod sagely.
You want to watch out for those internet sites, says the second.
You wouldn't want to get screwed, says the first.
Exactly, says the second, brushing the Twitcher with her longest tentacle.
Oooh, says the Twitcher. Don't do that. It tickles.
Come for a swim, says the first.
Come! says the second.
The Twitcher starts twitching, in a different way from the usual.
Ageless has had a gutful.
He raps on the side of the temporary aquarium.
Rap! Rap!
An attendant comes up.
What is it? asks the attendant.
Get me out of here, says Ageless. This is not my milieu.
I quite see that, says the attendant. You are no cuttlefish. I can't understand how this happened.
It is a long story, says Ageless. It involves great personal sacrifice on my part. But there are limits.
I shall ask Jamila, says the attendant. I'm sure we can relocate you.
Good man, says Ageless. What's your name?
Farid, says Farid.
Take me with you, Farid, says Ageless. I'm not staying here. It's degrading.
Alright, says Farid. Come. He extricates Ageless, dripping, from the aquarium.
Bye bye Twitcher, says Ageless softly. You made your bed. Now you're done for.
The Twitcher is otherwise occupied. He knows he is not done for yet.
An Insupportable Situation For A Celibate
Doctor Moussalli goes off to visit the sights of Dubai.
Jamila takes the Twitcher and Ageless to a temporary aquarium, in which float two female Mediterranean cuttlefish, who are also in transit.
This is just temporary, says Jamila, while we organise new interactive information boards. But please feel free to mate, Twitcher, if a suitable situation should arise. It is good for the gene pool.
Lucky you, brother, grumbles Ageless. Who can I mate with?
Ageless, my brother, says Twitcher. Have you forgotten my vow?
Yes, says Ageless. What was it?
I shall not mate in Dubai, says the Twitcher. It would be death to me.
Not that bad surely, says Ageless. Those two look quite ...errr...lubricious.
No matter, says the Twitcher. I'm saving myself for my bejewelled red and orange cuttlefish maiden in Kas.
No harm in a bit of practice, says Ageless.
We cuttlefish, says the Twitcher, are not like you lobsters. After spawning, we die.
You don't say? says Ageless. Oh yes, I'd forgotten. Have you ever considered you might last a bit longer if you put off this 'spawning'?
No, says the Twitcher. Putting it off would be against nature.
You idiot, says Ageless. You ARE putting it off until Kas.
No, no, says the Twitcher. That is only a week off. No problem with that.
The female Mediterranean cuttlefish raise their eyebrows at one another and wink at their lovely reflections.
With one thing in mind they begin to close in on the Twitcher.
Back off ladies, says Ageless. My brother is celibate this week.
Oh no no no no, say the ladies. We just want to chat with your brother.
They settle on either side of the Twitcher, waving their tentacles gently, opening and closing their beaks.
Jamila takes the Twitcher and Ageless to a temporary aquarium, in which float two female Mediterranean cuttlefish, who are also in transit.
This is just temporary, says Jamila, while we organise new interactive information boards. But please feel free to mate, Twitcher, if a suitable situation should arise. It is good for the gene pool.
Lucky you, brother, grumbles Ageless. Who can I mate with?
Ageless, my brother, says Twitcher. Have you forgotten my vow?
Yes, says Ageless. What was it?
I shall not mate in Dubai, says the Twitcher. It would be death to me.
Not that bad surely, says Ageless. Those two look quite ...errr...lubricious.
No matter, says the Twitcher. I'm saving myself for my bejewelled red and orange cuttlefish maiden in Kas.
No harm in a bit of practice, says Ageless.
We cuttlefish, says the Twitcher, are not like you lobsters. After spawning, we die.
You don't say? says Ageless. Oh yes, I'd forgotten. Have you ever considered you might last a bit longer if you put off this 'spawning'?
No, says the Twitcher. Putting it off would be against nature.
You idiot, says Ageless. You ARE putting it off until Kas.
No, no, says the Twitcher. That is only a week off. No problem with that.
The female Mediterranean cuttlefish raise their eyebrows at one another and wink at their lovely reflections.
With one thing in mind they begin to close in on the Twitcher.
Back off ladies, says Ageless. My brother is celibate this week.
Oh no no no no, say the ladies. We just want to chat with your brother.
They settle on either side of the Twitcher, waving their tentacles gently, opening and closing their beaks.
Friday, May 24, 2013
The Art Of Compensation
Jamila and the attendant run towards the shark tunnel, followed closely by Doctor Moussalli with the Twitcher and the unwanted snails.
What's going on here? says Jamila, reaching the scene of the fracas.
In the middle of a crowd of onlookers, three women are trying to strangle a lobster, or so it would seem.
Ladies, ladies, says Jamila, let go of that lobster, and calm yourselves. What is the matter?
Our babies! cries one of the women. They followed him here! Where are they, you beastly old lobster? Talk or I'll pull off your claws!
Doctor Moussalli arrives, and immediately recognises Ageless, but decides to keep mum.
Now then, says Jamila, we will find your babies. What are their names?
Fadi, says the first mummy.
Iqbal, says the second mummy.
Hans, says the third.
Just then Fadi and Iqbal and Hans run up behind their mummies.
Boo! mummy, says Fadi. We were hiding to spy on the lobster.
I knew the lobster was to blame, says Fadi's mummy, glaring at Jamila. What are you going to do about it?
It isn't our lobster, says Jamila. I know that is hard to believe.
It is mine, says Doctor Moussalli, coming forward.
Ageless almost chokes on his spit.
IT...IS...MINE! says Ageless. I don't think so.
The mummies are astonished that the lobster can speak.
How clever! says Iqbal's mummy. If it's not an exhibit, it should be.
Yes, says Hans' mummy. I'd pay to see that.
He's called WEARY, says Fadi. We talked to him on the white floor.
It was very naughty to follow him, without telling us, says Fadi's mummy.
Sorry, mummy, says Fadi, with downcast eyes.
Ageless has spotted the Twitcher.
Twitcher, my brother! cries Ageless. You are here for a week. How I pity you!
Stay with me! cries the Twitcher. There are sharks!
Do not fear, cries Ageless. I shall stay with you here. We'll endure it together.
Good, says Jamila. That's settled.
Right, says Fadi's mummy. If you are owning the lobster, you are responsible for its behavior. What have you to say about that?
Jamila looks helplessly at Doctor Moussalli, who gallantly comes forward.
Perhaps, says Doctor Moussalli, we might offer each of these charming young children a gift of a special Australian land snail, to take home and keep.
Fadi, Iqbal and Hans look delighted. The mummies slightly less so.
What's going on here? says Jamila, reaching the scene of the fracas.
In the middle of a crowd of onlookers, three women are trying to strangle a lobster, or so it would seem.
Ladies, ladies, says Jamila, let go of that lobster, and calm yourselves. What is the matter?
Our babies! cries one of the women. They followed him here! Where are they, you beastly old lobster? Talk or I'll pull off your claws!
Doctor Moussalli arrives, and immediately recognises Ageless, but decides to keep mum.
Now then, says Jamila, we will find your babies. What are their names?
Fadi, says the first mummy.
Iqbal, says the second mummy.
Hans, says the third.
Just then Fadi and Iqbal and Hans run up behind their mummies.
Boo! mummy, says Fadi. We were hiding to spy on the lobster.
I knew the lobster was to blame, says Fadi's mummy, glaring at Jamila. What are you going to do about it?
It isn't our lobster, says Jamila. I know that is hard to believe.
It is mine, says Doctor Moussalli, coming forward.
Ageless almost chokes on his spit.
IT...IS...MINE! says Ageless. I don't think so.
The mummies are astonished that the lobster can speak.
How clever! says Iqbal's mummy. If it's not an exhibit, it should be.
Yes, says Hans' mummy. I'd pay to see that.
He's called WEARY, says Fadi. We talked to him on the white floor.
It was very naughty to follow him, without telling us, says Fadi's mummy.
Sorry, mummy, says Fadi, with downcast eyes.
Ageless has spotted the Twitcher.
Twitcher, my brother! cries Ageless. You are here for a week. How I pity you!
Stay with me! cries the Twitcher. There are sharks!
Do not fear, cries Ageless. I shall stay with you here. We'll endure it together.
Good, says Jamila. That's settled.
Right, says Fadi's mummy. If you are owning the lobster, you are responsible for its behavior. What have you to say about that?
Jamila looks helplessly at Doctor Moussalli, who gallantly comes forward.
Perhaps, says Doctor Moussalli, we might offer each of these charming young children a gift of a special Australian land snail, to take home and keep.
Fadi, Iqbal and Hans look delighted. The mummies slightly less so.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Snail Stuff Up
Ageless has dragged himself round the Dubai Mall for what seems like hours. He sits down wearily on a white strip of floor.
Ooo-hey! The floor lights up with multiple colours moving back and forth under Ageless.
Three little boys run over.
Let's have races! cries one of the boys. They run after the red light, then the yellow one until one of them bumps into Ageless.
Oof! says Ageless. Watch it, boy! I am weary.
Hello Weary, I'm Fadi, says Fadi. And this is Iqbal, and this is Hans. We're running races. Want to race?
No thank you, Faddy, says Ageless. But perhaps you know where the Aquarium is?
F-aaa-di, says Fadi. No I don't.
I do, says Iqbal. It's over there. I went there with mummy. There, where it's all glowing blue.
It's a ripper, says Hans. There a shark tunnel. You should go there.
Thanks boys, says Ageless. At least you two. Not Faddy.
He gives Fadi the finger, and heads off to where it's all glowing blue.
Let's follow him, says Fadi. The sharks might eat him.
They set off after the funny old lobster, without telling their mummies.
Meanwhile Doctor Moussalli has arranged to turn up at the Aquarium with his three snails and the Twitcher.
Here he is now.
Here is Jamila to meet him.
Hello Doctor Moussalli, says Jamila. Welcome to the world's largest Aquarium. Are these the snails? Oh there are only three of them. I thought there'd be five.
Yes yes, says Doctor Moussalli. A little mishap on the plane. But I have a surprise for you here in this portable saltwater aquarium. A Giant Australian Cuttlefish. You may have him on loan for a week.
Jamila peers at the Twitcher.
The Twitcher winks at Jamila, while lewdly adjusting his ink sac.
Oh, I don't know... says Jamila.
Is he misbehaving? says Doctor Moussalli. Oh dear, now I'm wishing I'd brought Ageless Lobster.
A lobster? says Jamila. Oh yes, what a pity you didn't. We have room for a lobster. All mod cons.
Doctor Moussalli and Jamila laugh at the idea of mod cons for a lobster. Ha ha ha.
It is going quite well.
Until she looks at the snails.
These are land snails, says Jamila.
Yes, what of it? says Doctor Mossalli. Land snails are my particular interest. Don't tell me you didn't want land snails.
Well....., says Jamila, indicating the Aquarium.
Dear me what a stuff up, says Doctor Moussalli.
Yes, laughs Jamila. At least we have a Giant Australian Cuttlefish to make up for it.
Jamila ! Jamila ! says an aquarium attendant, running up in a hurry. There's a dreadful fracas going on in the shark tunnel! Come quickly!
Ooo-hey! The floor lights up with multiple colours moving back and forth under Ageless.
Three little boys run over.
Let's have races! cries one of the boys. They run after the red light, then the yellow one until one of them bumps into Ageless.
Oof! says Ageless. Watch it, boy! I am weary.
Hello Weary, I'm Fadi, says Fadi. And this is Iqbal, and this is Hans. We're running races. Want to race?
No thank you, Faddy, says Ageless. But perhaps you know where the Aquarium is?
F-aaa-di, says Fadi. No I don't.
I do, says Iqbal. It's over there. I went there with mummy. There, where it's all glowing blue.
It's a ripper, says Hans. There a shark tunnel. You should go there.
Thanks boys, says Ageless. At least you two. Not Faddy.
He gives Fadi the finger, and heads off to where it's all glowing blue.
Let's follow him, says Fadi. The sharks might eat him.
They set off after the funny old lobster, without telling their mummies.
Meanwhile Doctor Moussalli has arranged to turn up at the Aquarium with his three snails and the Twitcher.
Here he is now.
Here is Jamila to meet him.
Hello Doctor Moussalli, says Jamila. Welcome to the world's largest Aquarium. Are these the snails? Oh there are only three of them. I thought there'd be five.
Yes yes, says Doctor Moussalli. A little mishap on the plane. But I have a surprise for you here in this portable saltwater aquarium. A Giant Australian Cuttlefish. You may have him on loan for a week.
Jamila peers at the Twitcher.
The Twitcher winks at Jamila, while lewdly adjusting his ink sac.
Oh, I don't know... says Jamila.
Is he misbehaving? says Doctor Moussalli. Oh dear, now I'm wishing I'd brought Ageless Lobster.
A lobster? says Jamila. Oh yes, what a pity you didn't. We have room for a lobster. All mod cons.
Doctor Moussalli and Jamila laugh at the idea of mod cons for a lobster. Ha ha ha.
It is going quite well.
Until she looks at the snails.
These are land snails, says Jamila.
Yes, what of it? says Doctor Mossalli. Land snails are my particular interest. Don't tell me you didn't want land snails.
Well....., says Jamila, indicating the Aquarium.
Dear me what a stuff up, says Doctor Moussalli.
Yes, laughs Jamila. At least we have a Giant Australian Cuttlefish to make up for it.
Jamila ! Jamila ! says an aquarium attendant, running up in a hurry. There's a dreadful fracas going on in the shark tunnel! Come quickly!
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
The Disabled Taxi
Ageless trails Doctor Moussalli to the airport taxi rank.
Doctor Moussalli disappears into a taxi and the taxi drives off, leaving Ageless behind.
But wait. Here is a taxi with its back hatch open, and a ramp!
Ageless skitters up the ramp. Where is he going? He doesn't know yet.
A wheelchair buzzes up the ramp, with an occupant.
The taxi starts up.
The occupant of the wheelchair hears a strange scraping sound.
Jeeeezus! says he. A fuckin' lobster. Hey! Hey!
What is it sir? says the driver. Are you uncomfortable back there?
There's a lobster on the floor in the corner! says the man in the wheelchair.
Allow me to introduce myself, says Ageless. My name is Ageless Lobster. I trust you don't mind sharing a taxi. I am somewhat disabled as well, and needed the ramp.
Oh yeah? says the man. Disabled? Pull the other one. Either one. It won't make any difference. Ha ha.
Ha ha, grates Ageless, not getting the joke, if it was one.
Where d'you wanna go? asks the man. Can I drop you?
He laughs again. Was that funny too? Ageless decides to plough on.
Please drop me at the Dubai Aquarium, says Ageless.
Driver! says the man in the wheelchair. Do we go past the Aquarium?
Oh yes sir, says the driver. We do.
They drive for ages. The driver doesn't mind going the long way to his passenger's hotel.
They stop, at last. Nothing happens.
Ramp! says Ageless.
The ramp is let down.
Ageless scrambles down the ramp to the pavement.
What's this? A huge shopping mall!
Oi! shouts Ageless, back into the taxi. I said AQUARIUM? This is a MALL!
The world's largest, says the driver.You will find the Aquarium inside. If you are lucky.
The ramp rumbles up automatically, and the taxi drives off.
Ageless enters the Mall. It is indeed a big one. Twelve million square feet.
He sniffs the air, but he cannot smell water.
Doctor Moussalli disappears into a taxi and the taxi drives off, leaving Ageless behind.
But wait. Here is a taxi with its back hatch open, and a ramp!
Ageless skitters up the ramp. Where is he going? He doesn't know yet.
A wheelchair buzzes up the ramp, with an occupant.
The taxi starts up.
The occupant of the wheelchair hears a strange scraping sound.
Jeeeezus! says he. A fuckin' lobster. Hey! Hey!
What is it sir? says the driver. Are you uncomfortable back there?
There's a lobster on the floor in the corner! says the man in the wheelchair.
Allow me to introduce myself, says Ageless. My name is Ageless Lobster. I trust you don't mind sharing a taxi. I am somewhat disabled as well, and needed the ramp.
Oh yeah? says the man. Disabled? Pull the other one. Either one. It won't make any difference. Ha ha.
Ha ha, grates Ageless, not getting the joke, if it was one.
Where d'you wanna go? asks the man. Can I drop you?
He laughs again. Was that funny too? Ageless decides to plough on.
Please drop me at the Dubai Aquarium, says Ageless.
Driver! says the man in the wheelchair. Do we go past the Aquarium?
Oh yes sir, says the driver. We do.
They drive for ages. The driver doesn't mind going the long way to his passenger's hotel.
They stop, at last. Nothing happens.
Ramp! says Ageless.
The ramp is let down.
Ageless scrambles down the ramp to the pavement.
What's this? A huge shopping mall!
Oi! shouts Ageless, back into the taxi. I said AQUARIUM? This is a MALL!
The world's largest, says the driver.You will find the Aquarium inside. If you are lucky.
The ramp rumbles up automatically, and the taxi drives off.
Ageless enters the Mall. It is indeed a big one. Twelve million square feet.
He sniffs the air, but he cannot smell water.
In The Gleaming Dubai Airport
In the gleaming Dubai airport, at the baggage carousel, they say goodbye to the Twitcher and Doctor Moussalli.
Bye bye, Twitcher, says Bunny. Arthur and I'll see you in Kas next week. You have fun in Dubai.
How can I? says the Twitcher. I'm being delayed through no fault of my own.
Hardly, says Bunny. You did eat those two snails.
Not a fault in a cuttlefish, says Twitcher. And where is my brother? Is he coming too?
No he isn't, says Doctor Moussalli. I can't turn up at the Dubai Aquarium with a common lobster in tow. Good bye all. It was a pleasure to meet you, Katherine. And the two little stones. Arthur, you too. And Mr Secundus, an honour to meet you. Goodbye.
He trundles off with his luggage, the Twitcher in his portable saltwater aquarium, and his three remaining Australian snails.
He does not notice he is being trailed by a common lobster, in a red knitted hat.
Right, says Gaius. Now for Istanbul. We get closer to the Gate of Hell. I don't mind telling you I am quite excited.
Let's get a coffee, says Katherine. And look at the shops. We have an hour. Coming Bunny? Lavender?
Katherine, Bunny and Lavender go off.
Arthur, says Gaius, now that the ladies have left us, we can speak frankly.
Yes, says Arthur. We can. What about?
You know very well, says Gaius.
No, what? says Arthur, baffled. Can Gaius be wanting a loan?
This Bunny, says Gaius. Has she a hold over you? I cannot imagine you prefer to go to a Turkish seaside resort to laze in the sun, eating, drinking and swimming with HER, rather than come to the dig at Hieropolis to explore the Gate of Hell and its mephitic vapours with me and Baby Pierre, UNLESS....
She has my money, says Arthur.
What money? says Gaius. You have never had money. Money, indeed!
Nevertheless, says Arthur. Bunny has money, earned from something I wrote. So I'm sticking with her.
Suit yourself then, says Gaius. You'll be bored.
Katherine, Bunny and Lavender return, carrying packages.
Tch! says Gaius. Well, shall we go to our gate?
Where's Baby Pierre? says Lavender.
Here, says Baby Pierre. I stayed with Gaius, in case I was needed.
Good man, says Gaius. You'll be needed.
They go to the gate, to board the plane for Istanbul, not one of them pausing to ask: What has happened to Ageless?
Bye bye, Twitcher, says Bunny. Arthur and I'll see you in Kas next week. You have fun in Dubai.
How can I? says the Twitcher. I'm being delayed through no fault of my own.
Hardly, says Bunny. You did eat those two snails.
Not a fault in a cuttlefish, says Twitcher. And where is my brother? Is he coming too?
No he isn't, says Doctor Moussalli. I can't turn up at the Dubai Aquarium with a common lobster in tow. Good bye all. It was a pleasure to meet you, Katherine. And the two little stones. Arthur, you too. And Mr Secundus, an honour to meet you. Goodbye.
He trundles off with his luggage, the Twitcher in his portable saltwater aquarium, and his three remaining Australian snails.
He does not notice he is being trailed by a common lobster, in a red knitted hat.
Right, says Gaius. Now for Istanbul. We get closer to the Gate of Hell. I don't mind telling you I am quite excited.
Let's get a coffee, says Katherine. And look at the shops. We have an hour. Coming Bunny? Lavender?
Katherine, Bunny and Lavender go off.
Arthur, says Gaius, now that the ladies have left us, we can speak frankly.
Yes, says Arthur. We can. What about?
You know very well, says Gaius.
No, what? says Arthur, baffled. Can Gaius be wanting a loan?
This Bunny, says Gaius. Has she a hold over you? I cannot imagine you prefer to go to a Turkish seaside resort to laze in the sun, eating, drinking and swimming with HER, rather than come to the dig at Hieropolis to explore the Gate of Hell and its mephitic vapours with me and Baby Pierre, UNLESS....
She has my money, says Arthur.
What money? says Gaius. You have never had money. Money, indeed!
Nevertheless, says Arthur. Bunny has money, earned from something I wrote. So I'm sticking with her.
Suit yourself then, says Gaius. You'll be bored.
Katherine, Bunny and Lavender return, carrying packages.
Tch! says Gaius. Well, shall we go to our gate?
Where's Baby Pierre? says Lavender.
Here, says Baby Pierre. I stayed with Gaius, in case I was needed.
Good man, says Gaius. You'll be needed.
They go to the gate, to board the plane for Istanbul, not one of them pausing to ask: What has happened to Ageless?
Monday, May 20, 2013
The Wisdom Of Inclusion
Right, says Bunny. So this is the plan. Doctor Moussalli will loan the Twitcher to the Dubai Aquarium and Underwater Zoo for a week. Then he'll send him to Kas, where Arthur and I will be waiting.
Send him? says Katherine.
By courier, says Bunny. Paid for by me.
Arthur's eyebrows knit slightly, at this.
Well, how lovely, says Katherine. You have sorted things out nicely Bunny. You have a talent for it, I see.
Wait, says Gaius. What's this about Arthur?. Why isn't he coming with me? Arthur? What do you say?
I'm going with Bunny, says Arthur. And Bunny knows why.
Never mind, Gaius, says Katherine. You have me. And Lavender has her wits about her. We shall be your assistants. As long as I don't have to walk far....
Gaius looks thunderous. An old girl with bad feet, and a fossil!
Baby Pierre has just woken up. Has he missed something? Mrs Hume did not mention his name.
And me? says Baby Pierre. I'll probably be the most useful.
You will, as a matter of fact, says Gaius. I need you at the Gate of Hell, more than any of the others.
Baby Pierre just knew it! He is needed more than any of the others.
He nudges Lavender awake.
Are we there yet? says Lavender?
You aren't needed, says Baby Pierre.
What for? says Lavender. What for aren't I needed?
Arthur is about to correct her, but can't think quite how he will do it.
I don't know yet, says Baby Pierre importantly.
And what for am I needed? says a scratchy voice under the seating. It is Ageless.
He has waited in vain to hear what his role is. Also he is playing with grammar.
Ageless, says Bunny. You're not really needed. You can do what you like.
Ageless huffs. He knows he can do what he likes. Pinch Bunny's ankle, for instance.
He examines his options.
He is still examining his options when the cabin crew are told to be seated for landing.
Yes, at last they have got to Dubai!
Send him? says Katherine.
By courier, says Bunny. Paid for by me.
Arthur's eyebrows knit slightly, at this.
Well, how lovely, says Katherine. You have sorted things out nicely Bunny. You have a talent for it, I see.
Wait, says Gaius. What's this about Arthur?. Why isn't he coming with me? Arthur? What do you say?
I'm going with Bunny, says Arthur. And Bunny knows why.
Never mind, Gaius, says Katherine. You have me. And Lavender has her wits about her. We shall be your assistants. As long as I don't have to walk far....
Gaius looks thunderous. An old girl with bad feet, and a fossil!
Baby Pierre has just woken up. Has he missed something? Mrs Hume did not mention his name.
And me? says Baby Pierre. I'll probably be the most useful.
You will, as a matter of fact, says Gaius. I need you at the Gate of Hell, more than any of the others.
Baby Pierre just knew it! He is needed more than any of the others.
He nudges Lavender awake.
Are we there yet? says Lavender?
You aren't needed, says Baby Pierre.
What for? says Lavender. What for aren't I needed?
Arthur is about to correct her, but can't think quite how he will do it.
I don't know yet, says Baby Pierre importantly.
And what for am I needed? says a scratchy voice under the seating. It is Ageless.
He has waited in vain to hear what his role is. Also he is playing with grammar.
Ageless, says Bunny. You're not really needed. You can do what you like.
Ageless huffs. He knows he can do what he likes. Pinch Bunny's ankle, for instance.
He examines his options.
He is still examining his options when the cabin crew are told to be seated for landing.
Yes, at last they have got to Dubai!
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Bunny Ends Up On Top
Bunny stands up. She turns to face Gaius and Katherine.
It's not right, says Bunny. And I'm going to do something about it.
What's not right dear? says Katherine.
How we're treating the Twitcher, says Bunny. Have we no moral compass?
Arthur looks sour.
Alright Arthur, says Bunny. It's really your money. But I hate cruelty to animals. Remember I was the one who rescued the Twitcher.
So you were, dear, says Katherine.
Who broke the window? says Arthur.
You broke it, says Bunny. But I got him out of the death box.
Who carried him around in his pocket? says Arthur.
You did, says Bunny. Because he stank. But the point is, we owe him protection. He's the reason we're going to Turkey. And Gaius, you've behaved worst.
Gaius turns pink. He knows that he has behaved worst.
So, says Bunny, I am going down to see Doctor Moussalli to sort everything out.
She marches down the aisle in the direction of Doctor Moussalli.
Phew! says Gaius. She has a sharp tongue.
Perhaps we deserve it, says Katherine. We regarded the Twitcher as a nuisance. And didn't think of his feelings at all. What do you think Bunny will do?
She'll end up on top, says Arthur. That's what she'll do.
To Ageless, this sounds suggestive. He moves slowly away down the aisle, to watch.
But Bunny is already coming back. Without the Twitcher.
Sorted, says Bunny. We'll meet up with the Twitcher in Kas.
But we're not going to Kas, says Gaius. Are we?
Some of us are, says Bunny. We are going to split up. That Doctor Moussalli is nice.
It's not right, says Bunny. And I'm going to do something about it.
What's not right dear? says Katherine.
How we're treating the Twitcher, says Bunny. Have we no moral compass?
Arthur looks sour.
Alright Arthur, says Bunny. It's really your money. But I hate cruelty to animals. Remember I was the one who rescued the Twitcher.
So you were, dear, says Katherine.
Who broke the window? says Arthur.
You broke it, says Bunny. But I got him out of the death box.
Who carried him around in his pocket? says Arthur.
You did, says Bunny. Because he stank. But the point is, we owe him protection. He's the reason we're going to Turkey. And Gaius, you've behaved worst.
Gaius turns pink. He knows that he has behaved worst.
So, says Bunny, I am going down to see Doctor Moussalli to sort everything out.
She marches down the aisle in the direction of Doctor Moussalli.
Phew! says Gaius. She has a sharp tongue.
Perhaps we deserve it, says Katherine. We regarded the Twitcher as a nuisance. And didn't think of his feelings at all. What do you think Bunny will do?
She'll end up on top, says Arthur. That's what she'll do.
To Ageless, this sounds suggestive. He moves slowly away down the aisle, to watch.
But Bunny is already coming back. Without the Twitcher.
Sorted, says Bunny. We'll meet up with the Twitcher in Kas.
But we're not going to Kas, says Gaius. Are we?
Some of us are, says Bunny. We are going to split up. That Doctor Moussalli is nice.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
The Purple Cloud
Mrs Hume closes the book.
Time for a nap, says Mrs Hume.
Nooooo! says Lavender. You can't stop now! It's too scary! What if Leda gets killed?
She will, says Baby Pierre. Adam will kill her.
He won't says Lavender. He loves her.
That's why, says Baby Pierre. He's the last man on earth. And he doesn't want to be a daddy. Don't you know anything, Lavender?
I know there'll be a happy ending, says Lavender. The Purple Cloud will come over....
It's come over already, says Mrs Hume. That's why everyone's dead.
Lavender wasn't listening at the beginning, says Baby Pierre.
It was boring, in the Arctic, says Lavender. And when he burned London. It was only nice when he got to Turkey, in the boat full of dead people, and built a palace of amber and gold. And then he found Leda down a hole. See, Baby Pierre, I WAS listening.
He will kill her, says Baby Pierre. And there will be no more generations.
I suspect you are right, says Katherine Hume. No more generations. Perhaps that is the happy ending. A world full of plants and fish.
And stones, says Baby Pierre.
And stones, says Katherine. Anyway, we will find out later. Go to sleep now and when you wake up we'll be in Dubai. Then it's a four and a half hour flight to Istanbul. We'll have to say goodbye to the Twitcher. He's staying on in Dubai.
Poor Twitcher, says Lavender. No more generations.
Nonsense, says Katherine. He will mate there.
No he won't, says Ageless, poking his head out from under the seat, where he has been lurking.
I thought cuttlefish were lascivious, says Katherine. Gaius, is that not so?
Most certainly, says Gaius. Of that there is little doubt. They are lascivious.
He is my brother, says Ageless. We have shared many intimate moments. I tell you the Twitcher will pine if he cannot hook up with his sweetheart, in Kas.
The die is cast for the Twitcher, says Gaius. He is out of our hands.
Ageless says nothing. He rasps his large claw up and down the ladder in his knitted red hat, dreaming up hare-brained escape plans for his hapless brother.
But he need not bother.
Bunny has been listening too.
Time for a nap, says Mrs Hume.
Nooooo! says Lavender. You can't stop now! It's too scary! What if Leda gets killed?
She will, says Baby Pierre. Adam will kill her.
He won't says Lavender. He loves her.
That's why, says Baby Pierre. He's the last man on earth. And he doesn't want to be a daddy. Don't you know anything, Lavender?
I know there'll be a happy ending, says Lavender. The Purple Cloud will come over....
It's come over already, says Mrs Hume. That's why everyone's dead.
Lavender wasn't listening at the beginning, says Baby Pierre.
It was boring, in the Arctic, says Lavender. And when he burned London. It was only nice when he got to Turkey, in the boat full of dead people, and built a palace of amber and gold. And then he found Leda down a hole. See, Baby Pierre, I WAS listening.
He will kill her, says Baby Pierre. And there will be no more generations.
I suspect you are right, says Katherine Hume. No more generations. Perhaps that is the happy ending. A world full of plants and fish.
And stones, says Baby Pierre.
And stones, says Katherine. Anyway, we will find out later. Go to sleep now and when you wake up we'll be in Dubai. Then it's a four and a half hour flight to Istanbul. We'll have to say goodbye to the Twitcher. He's staying on in Dubai.
Poor Twitcher, says Lavender. No more generations.
Nonsense, says Katherine. He will mate there.
No he won't, says Ageless, poking his head out from under the seat, where he has been lurking.
I thought cuttlefish were lascivious, says Katherine. Gaius, is that not so?
Most certainly, says Gaius. Of that there is little doubt. They are lascivious.
He is my brother, says Ageless. We have shared many intimate moments. I tell you the Twitcher will pine if he cannot hook up with his sweetheart, in Kas.
The die is cast for the Twitcher, says Gaius. He is out of our hands.
Ageless says nothing. He rasps his large claw up and down the ladder in his knitted red hat, dreaming up hare-brained escape plans for his hapless brother.
But he need not bother.
Bunny has been listening too.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Not Watching The In-flight Movie
Doctor Moussali is back in his seat. He begins to look on the bright side. The Giant Australian Cuttlefish is endangered. It will be quite a coup to bring one to Dubai. More prestigious no doubt than a few small Australian gastropods. Yes, he has done a good deal.
Arthur comes by with the Twitcher.
Doctor Moussalli? says Arthur.
That's me, says Doctor Moussalli. I see you've brought me the Twitcher. Thanks very much.
I just need to tell you..... says Arthur.
I already know, says Doctor Moussalli. He's a bit of a handful.
He thinks he's going to Kas, says Arthur. That's in Turkey.
I AM! pipes up the Twitcher.
Why does he think that? asks Doctor Moussalli.
Gaius told him he was, says Arthur.
But he gave him to me, says Doctor Moussalli.
Like a piece of MEAT! cries the Twitcher. Listen up! I am no one's!
Calm down, little Twitcher, says Doctor Moussalli, who has always been patient with cuttlefish.
Huh, huh, huh, breathes the Twitcher.
That's better, says Doctor Moussalli. Now listen. I hear you are quite keen on mating. You can mate in Dubai.
The Twitcher is silent, but fuming. He is not going to mate in Dubai. There is little point arguing with the doctor. He must think of a plan.
He sinks to the bottom of his portable saltwater aquarium and starts thinking of one.
Meanwhile Doctor Moussalli continues his conversation with Arthur.
That Katherine you're travelling with, says Doctor Moussalli. Why is she reading to stones?
They think it's a book about clouds, says Arthur.
The stones do? says Doctor Moussalli.
Yes, and it isn't, says Arthur.
Doctor Moussalli tries another subject.
And that Gaius is an interesting character, he says.
Yes, agrees Arthur. His full name is Gaius Plinius Secundus. He's a well known authority on everything. At least that's what he thinks.
And you? says Doctor Moussalli, faintly.
Arthur Rimbaud, says Arthur. Poet. And the girl sitting next to me with the sunflower seeds in a tin, that's Bunny Moon. She has money. My money. Then there's Ageless, the lobster. Well, I'd better head back. Nice to meet you, Doctor Moussalli.
Doctor Moussalli settles back intending to watch the in-flight movie, but changes his mind.
Arthur comes by with the Twitcher.
Doctor Moussalli? says Arthur.
That's me, says Doctor Moussalli. I see you've brought me the Twitcher. Thanks very much.
I just need to tell you..... says Arthur.
I already know, says Doctor Moussalli. He's a bit of a handful.
He thinks he's going to Kas, says Arthur. That's in Turkey.
I AM! pipes up the Twitcher.
Why does he think that? asks Doctor Moussalli.
Gaius told him he was, says Arthur.
But he gave him to me, says Doctor Moussalli.
Like a piece of MEAT! cries the Twitcher. Listen up! I am no one's!
Calm down, little Twitcher, says Doctor Moussalli, who has always been patient with cuttlefish.
Huh, huh, huh, breathes the Twitcher.
That's better, says Doctor Moussalli. Now listen. I hear you are quite keen on mating. You can mate in Dubai.
The Twitcher is silent, but fuming. He is not going to mate in Dubai. There is little point arguing with the doctor. He must think of a plan.
He sinks to the bottom of his portable saltwater aquarium and starts thinking of one.
Meanwhile Doctor Moussalli continues his conversation with Arthur.
That Katherine you're travelling with, says Doctor Moussalli. Why is she reading to stones?
They think it's a book about clouds, says Arthur.
The stones do? says Doctor Moussalli.
Yes, and it isn't, says Arthur.
Doctor Moussalli tries another subject.
And that Gaius is an interesting character, he says.
Yes, agrees Arthur. His full name is Gaius Plinius Secundus. He's a well known authority on everything. At least that's what he thinks.
And you? says Doctor Moussalli, faintly.
Arthur Rimbaud, says Arthur. Poet. And the girl sitting next to me with the sunflower seeds in a tin, that's Bunny Moon. She has money. My money. Then there's Ageless, the lobster. Well, I'd better head back. Nice to meet you, Doctor Moussalli.
Doctor Moussalli settles back intending to watch the in-flight movie, but changes his mind.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
A Mutually Beneficial Swap
Having secured his three snails and finished his dinner, Doctor Moussalli goes back to the sick bay.
He picks up the portable saltwater aquarium and goes looking for Katherine.
He soon finds her.
She is reading aloud from a book to two tiny pebbles, who are listening intently.
Hello Katherine, says Doctor Moussalli. Good book?
Shocking, says Katherine. Oh, I see you have brought back the Twitcher's aquarium. Thank you.
The least I could do, says Doctor Moussalli. Your Twitcher helped me recover three of my snails.
Well done the Twitcher, says Katherine. It's the first useful thing he has done.
Unfortunately, says Doctor Moussalli, he ate the other two. This leaves me two snails short of my consignment for the Dubai Aquarium and Underwater Zoo.
You can hardly blame the Twitcher, says Katherine. You let your snails out, I presume.
As you let your cuttlefish out, says Doctor Moussalli.
What are you saying? says Katherine. It's our fault? Gaius! Did you hear that?
Gaius looks up from his notebook.
What I'm suggesting, says Doctor Moussalli, is a mutually beneficial swap. You give me the Twitcher....
What do we get? says Gaius.
You have already got them, says Doctor Moussalli. The two snails that your Twitcher just ate.
Of course Doctor Moussalli does not expect to be taken too seriously. But Gaius is only too pleased to get rid of the Twitcher.
Done, says Gaius. You can have him as soon as we find him. I am supposed to be taking him to Kas to broaden the gene pool, but no doubt that can be accomplished just as well in Dubai.
We'll need to have a chat with him first, says Katherine. His heart is set on a particular lady cuttlefish in Kas.
Of course, of course, says Gaius. We'll have a chat with him first.
I must return to my seat, says Doctor Moussalli. I shall leave the aquarium here.
He returns to his seat, and his snails, and his thoughts...... what has he let himself in for?
He picks up the portable saltwater aquarium and goes looking for Katherine.
He soon finds her.
She is reading aloud from a book to two tiny pebbles, who are listening intently.
Hello Katherine, says Doctor Moussalli. Good book?
Shocking, says Katherine. Oh, I see you have brought back the Twitcher's aquarium. Thank you.
The least I could do, says Doctor Moussalli. Your Twitcher helped me recover three of my snails.
Well done the Twitcher, says Katherine. It's the first useful thing he has done.
Unfortunately, says Doctor Moussalli, he ate the other two. This leaves me two snails short of my consignment for the Dubai Aquarium and Underwater Zoo.
You can hardly blame the Twitcher, says Katherine. You let your snails out, I presume.
As you let your cuttlefish out, says Doctor Moussalli.
What are you saying? says Katherine. It's our fault? Gaius! Did you hear that?
Gaius looks up from his notebook.
What I'm suggesting, says Doctor Moussalli, is a mutually beneficial swap. You give me the Twitcher....
What do we get? says Gaius.
You have already got them, says Doctor Moussalli. The two snails that your Twitcher just ate.
Of course Doctor Moussalli does not expect to be taken too seriously. But Gaius is only too pleased to get rid of the Twitcher.
Done, says Gaius. You can have him as soon as we find him. I am supposed to be taking him to Kas to broaden the gene pool, but no doubt that can be accomplished just as well in Dubai.
We'll need to have a chat with him first, says Katherine. His heart is set on a particular lady cuttlefish in Kas.
Of course, of course, says Gaius. We'll have a chat with him first.
I must return to my seat, says Doctor Moussalli. I shall leave the aquarium here.
He returns to his seat, and his snails, and his thoughts...... what has he let himself in for?
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Let Us Say He Is Learning A Lesson
What are you doing here, brother? asks Ageless.
I escaped, says the Twitcher. Thanks to the hat.
I didn't leave it on purpose, says Ageless. You were going to sleep.
I threw up. Now I'm hungry, says the Twitcher, eyeing the snails.
The terrified snails begin crawling up the right sock of Doctor Moussalli, who is just commencing his dinner.
What's this? says Doctor Moussalli.
It is difficult to look at your sock while the dinner tray is down, and laden with dinner.
He twists sideways and bends his head down under the edge of the tray. He flicks at his tickling sock.
Crack! Squish!
My snails! says Doctor Moussalli. And a lobster! And a red hat! Flight attendant!
The flight attendant comes over.
May I help you, sir? she says.
Yes, says Doctor Moussalli. Will you hold up my dinner tray for me? I need to pick up a few things.
The flight attendant hides her annoyance and lifts up the tray.
Hello again, says Ageless, who is now clearly visible.
Hello, says the flight attendant. What are you doing here? Oh, and there's your red hat.
She cannot bend over to pick up the hat, because she is holding the dinner.
Doctor Moussalli picks up the hat.
He feels the Twitcher inside.
Good heavens! The cuttlefish! says Doctor Moussalli. It's out of its portable saltwater aquarium. And look, here are three of my snails. Where's the other one? Oh no, I've cracked it!
I'll have that one, says the Twitcher, swallowing the snail that Doctor Moussalli has cracked.
All's well that ends well, says Ageless. Now I shall take my brother back to our seat.
Wait, says Doctor Moussalli. Won't he need water? Is his aquarium still in the sick bay?
He's alright, says Ageless. He has my red hat.
But I don't think....a red hat...... says Doctor Moussalli.
Let us say he is learning a lesson, says Ageless.
He skitters off, hauling the Twitcher.
Doctor Moussalli decides that as soon as he's finished his dinner he will visit the cuttlefish party, and ....what was that old woman's name, who he met in the sick bay...? Katherine, yes, he'll visit her.
I escaped, says the Twitcher. Thanks to the hat.
I didn't leave it on purpose, says Ageless. You were going to sleep.
I threw up. Now I'm hungry, says the Twitcher, eyeing the snails.
The terrified snails begin crawling up the right sock of Doctor Moussalli, who is just commencing his dinner.
What's this? says Doctor Moussalli.
It is difficult to look at your sock while the dinner tray is down, and laden with dinner.
He twists sideways and bends his head down under the edge of the tray. He flicks at his tickling sock.
Crack! Squish!
My snails! says Doctor Moussalli. And a lobster! And a red hat! Flight attendant!
The flight attendant comes over.
May I help you, sir? she says.
Yes, says Doctor Moussalli. Will you hold up my dinner tray for me? I need to pick up a few things.
The flight attendant hides her annoyance and lifts up the tray.
Hello again, says Ageless, who is now clearly visible.
Hello, says the flight attendant. What are you doing here? Oh, and there's your red hat.
She cannot bend over to pick up the hat, because she is holding the dinner.
Doctor Moussalli picks up the hat.
He feels the Twitcher inside.
Good heavens! The cuttlefish! says Doctor Moussalli. It's out of its portable saltwater aquarium. And look, here are three of my snails. Where's the other one? Oh no, I've cracked it!
I'll have that one, says the Twitcher, swallowing the snail that Doctor Moussalli has cracked.
All's well that ends well, says Ageless. Now I shall take my brother back to our seat.
Wait, says Doctor Moussalli. Won't he need water? Is his aquarium still in the sick bay?
He's alright, says Ageless. He has my red hat.
But I don't think....a red hat...... says Doctor Moussalli.
Let us say he is learning a lesson, says Ageless.
He skitters off, hauling the Twitcher.
Doctor Moussalli decides that as soon as he's finished his dinner he will visit the cuttlefish party, and ....what was that old woman's name, who he met in the sick bay...? Katherine, yes, he'll visit her.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Contingency And The Red Knitted Hat
I must go back to my seat, says Katherine.
Take me with you, says the Twitcher. I feel better now.
No, says Katherine. You are less of a nuisance in here.
She goes back to her seat.
How's the Twitcher? asks Gaius.
Vomited, says Katherine. Now he's hungry again. Luckily he can't get out and cause any more trouble
My brother! thinks Ageless. I must help him. Where is my red hat?
Ageless looks for his red knitted hat. It's not there.
Baby Pierre, says Ageless. Have you seen my red hat?
You had it on when you went to the sick bay to visit the Twitcher, says Baby Pierre. But you came back without it.
I remember, says Ageless. I took it off when I bowed to the flight attendant.
Hee hee, laughs Lavender. You bowed. You're a wally.
Lavender! says Katherine. That's nothing to laugh at. Ageless was being polite.
But Ageless is becoming agitated.
It is one thing to plan an escape for your brother, under cover of your red knitted hat. It is quite another thing to think that your brother may have found your red knitted hat and escaped by himself, under it.
He might be anywhere.
Ageless sets off down the aisle to the sick bay.
Sorry, sir, says the flight attendant. The dinner trolley is coming. Would you mind going back.
Ageless ducks under a seat.
As chance would have it, it is the very same seat under which are seven interesting things, and a life jacket. The Twitcher, in a red knitted hat; four snails; and the feet of Doctor Moussalli, in brown cotton socks.
Brief Encounter With a Snail Man
I love clouds, says Lavender, loudly.
Why don't you look out of the window, says Bunny. You can see clouds out there. Here, I'll lift you up.
Lavender still doesn't like Bunny.
I mean BOOKS about clouds, says Lavender. Mrs Hume's reading one. When she gets back from visiting the Twitcher, I'm going to sit next to her.
Me too, says Baby Pierre.
We like Mrs Hume, says Lavender.
See if I care, says Bunny.
.......
Mrs Hume approaches the sick bay. She hears noises inside.
She pulls the curtain aside and a man hurries out.
Oh, sorry, says the man. Just looking for something.
A snail? enquires Katherine.
How did you know? says the man.
Our Twitcher has eaten it, says Katherine. That's the Twitcher in there.
I didn't see anyone, says the man.
He's under a tea towel, says Katherine.
They both go back in to the sick bay.
I'm Doctor Moussalli, says the man, I'm a snail man. I'm taking some snails to Dubai.
Pleased to meet you, says Katherine, I'm Katherine Hume. I'm going to Pamukkale to bathe in the calcium pools.
How pleasant, says Dr Moussalli. Now where is this Twitcher?
Katherine lifts up the tea towel, revealing the Twitcher.
It's a Giant Australian CUTTLEFISH! cries Doctor Moussalli. How delightful! I'm a cuttlefish man as well, at Museum Victoria. But wait, did you say he's eaten one of my snails?
They peer down at the Twitcher. The Twitcher doesn't look well. He is lying at the bottom of his portable saltwater aquarium, in a cloud of snail-coloured ejecta.
It obviously didn't agree with him, says Doctor Moussalli. That sometimes happens. Snails eat cuttlefish. Cuttlefish eat snails. No morality. But you can't argue with them.
Pardon? says Katherine.
Only joking, says Doctor Moussalli. Well, I'd better keep looking for the rest of my charges. Perhaps we shall meet again, Katherine. Small world, a plane.
He leaves, and Katherine raps sharply on the portable saltwater aquarium.
Whaaa! squawks the Twitcher. Hiccup! Oooh! Bluuuh!
That's it, bring it all up, says Katherine. Better out than in, that's what I always say.
Who was that man? says the Twitcher, weakly.
A doctor, a snail man, says Katherine. You've eaten his snail. He didn't seem too upset though. He must have plenty more.
More? says the Twitcher.
But he seems to have temporarily mislaid them, adds Katherine
A gluttonous gleam appears in the eye of the Twitcher.
Why don't you look out of the window, says Bunny. You can see clouds out there. Here, I'll lift you up.
Lavender still doesn't like Bunny.
I mean BOOKS about clouds, says Lavender. Mrs Hume's reading one. When she gets back from visiting the Twitcher, I'm going to sit next to her.
Me too, says Baby Pierre.
We like Mrs Hume, says Lavender.
See if I care, says Bunny.
.......
Mrs Hume approaches the sick bay. She hears noises inside.
She pulls the curtain aside and a man hurries out.
Oh, sorry, says the man. Just looking for something.
A snail? enquires Katherine.
How did you know? says the man.
Our Twitcher has eaten it, says Katherine. That's the Twitcher in there.
I didn't see anyone, says the man.
He's under a tea towel, says Katherine.
They both go back in to the sick bay.
I'm Doctor Moussalli, says the man, I'm a snail man. I'm taking some snails to Dubai.
Pleased to meet you, says Katherine, I'm Katherine Hume. I'm going to Pamukkale to bathe in the calcium pools.
How pleasant, says Dr Moussalli. Now where is this Twitcher?
Katherine lifts up the tea towel, revealing the Twitcher.
It's a Giant Australian CUTTLEFISH! cries Doctor Moussalli. How delightful! I'm a cuttlefish man as well, at Museum Victoria. But wait, did you say he's eaten one of my snails?
They peer down at the Twitcher. The Twitcher doesn't look well. He is lying at the bottom of his portable saltwater aquarium, in a cloud of snail-coloured ejecta.
It obviously didn't agree with him, says Doctor Moussalli. That sometimes happens. Snails eat cuttlefish. Cuttlefish eat snails. No morality. But you can't argue with them.
Pardon? says Katherine.
Only joking, says Doctor Moussalli. Well, I'd better keep looking for the rest of my charges. Perhaps we shall meet again, Katherine. Small world, a plane.
He leaves, and Katherine raps sharply on the portable saltwater aquarium.
Whaaa! squawks the Twitcher. Hiccup! Oooh! Bluuuh!
That's it, bring it all up, says Katherine. Better out than in, that's what I always say.
Who was that man? says the Twitcher, weakly.
A doctor, a snail man, says Katherine. You've eaten his snail. He didn't seem too upset though. He must have plenty more.
More? says the Twitcher.
But he seems to have temporarily mislaid them, adds Katherine
A gluttonous gleam appears in the eye of the Twitcher.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Obfuscations And Clouds
There is a curtain in front of the sick bay. Arthur does not go in. Through the curtain he overhears the following conversation:
First flight attendant: Have you checked the toilets?
Second flight attendant: No, they won't have got into the toilets.
First flight attendant: Snails can get anywhere.
Second flight attendant: I don't think they can.
Arthur pushes the curtain aside.
Arthur: Hello. I've come to visit the Twitcher. How is he?
First flight attendant: I don't know, sir. Let's see.
She peers at the Twitcher, then hastily covers the portable saltwater aquarium with a tea towel.
First flight attendant: Oh dear. He seems to have died.
Arthur: Let me see him.
Second flight attendant (officiously): That won't be possible, sir. Please go back to your seat.
Arthur goes back to his seat.
He doesn't believe the Twitcher has died.
Not the Twitcher, survivor of the death box, the cannibal king, potential ravisher of Turkish cuttlefish maidens.
Well, Arthur? says Gaius. What did you find out?
Arthur decides to extrapolate.
Seems some snails have escaped, says Arthur. The crew are searching the the plane. Meanwhile someone has found one and fed it to the Twitcher. Now the Twitcher's pretending to be poisoned, but don't worry. He's recovering under a tea towel.
Katherine looks up from her novel.
Perhaps I ought to go and see him, says Katherine.
Yes, go, says Gaius. A woman's touch.
Katherine puts down her book and makes her way down to the sick bay.
What's this she's reading? says Gaius, picking up Katherine's book. Ah, it's a book about clouds.
Lavender pricks up her ears.
She has always loved clouds.
First flight attendant: Have you checked the toilets?
Second flight attendant: No, they won't have got into the toilets.
First flight attendant: Snails can get anywhere.
Second flight attendant: I don't think they can.
Arthur pushes the curtain aside.
Arthur: Hello. I've come to visit the Twitcher. How is he?
First flight attendant: I don't know, sir. Let's see.
She peers at the Twitcher, then hastily covers the portable saltwater aquarium with a tea towel.
First flight attendant: Oh dear. He seems to have died.
Arthur: Let me see him.
Second flight attendant (officiously): That won't be possible, sir. Please go back to your seat.
Arthur goes back to his seat.
He doesn't believe the Twitcher has died.
Not the Twitcher, survivor of the death box, the cannibal king, potential ravisher of Turkish cuttlefish maidens.
Well, Arthur? says Gaius. What did you find out?
Arthur decides to extrapolate.
Seems some snails have escaped, says Arthur. The crew are searching the the plane. Meanwhile someone has found one and fed it to the Twitcher. Now the Twitcher's pretending to be poisoned, but don't worry. He's recovering under a tea towel.
Katherine looks up from her novel.
Perhaps I ought to go and see him, says Katherine.
Yes, go, says Gaius. A woman's touch.
Katherine puts down her book and makes her way down to the sick bay.
What's this she's reading? says Gaius, picking up Katherine's book. Ah, it's a book about clouds.
Lavender pricks up her ears.
She has always loved clouds.
The Mystery Of The Convenient Snail
The Twitcher is removed to the sick bay, against his will.
There he is tested for radiation and found not to be radioactive.
Nevertheless, in the interests of passenger harmony, the crew keep him there.
Ageless gets out of his seat and ambles down to the sick bay, to visit his friend.
Aah, look, says the flight attendant. Here comes that lobster. So cute. He wants to visit his friend. Hello lobster. Would you like a lift up?
Ageless takes off his red knitted hat, and bows to the flight attendant.
Please, says Ageless. Lift me up.
Hello bro, says the Twitcher, rising to the surface of his portable saltwater aquarium. Nice hat.
It comes in useful, says Ageless. Let me know if you want to escape.
It's alright here, says the Twitcher. They gave me a snail.
Where did they get it? enquires Ageless. I hear there are no molluscs on board.
Beats me, says the Twitcher. Ask no questions, I always say. I'm going to nap for a while now. Nighty night.
He sinks down to the bottom of the aquarium. Ageless goes back to his seat.
Hello Ageless, says Katherine. Hows the Twitcher?
He's happy, says Ageless. They gave him a snail.
How convenient, says Katherine, turning a page of her novel.
A snail! says Gaius, overhearing. Where did they get it, this snail?
Twitcher doesn't know, says Ageless. But he ate it, and now he's going to sleep.
Well, I should like to know how a snail can be produced on a plane, says Gaius. Arthur!
Arthur stops eating Bunny's sunflower seeds and turns around.
Arthur, says Gaius. I have a task for you. A little investigation is required. Find the source of the snail.
Arthur gets up and walks down the aisle to the sick bay.
He is glad to have something to do.
There he is tested for radiation and found not to be radioactive.
Nevertheless, in the interests of passenger harmony, the crew keep him there.
Ageless gets out of his seat and ambles down to the sick bay, to visit his friend.
Aah, look, says the flight attendant. Here comes that lobster. So cute. He wants to visit his friend. Hello lobster. Would you like a lift up?
Ageless takes off his red knitted hat, and bows to the flight attendant.
Please, says Ageless. Lift me up.
Hello bro, says the Twitcher, rising to the surface of his portable saltwater aquarium. Nice hat.
It comes in useful, says Ageless. Let me know if you want to escape.
It's alright here, says the Twitcher. They gave me a snail.
Where did they get it? enquires Ageless. I hear there are no molluscs on board.
Beats me, says the Twitcher. Ask no questions, I always say. I'm going to nap for a while now. Nighty night.
He sinks down to the bottom of the aquarium. Ageless goes back to his seat.
Hello Ageless, says Katherine. Hows the Twitcher?
He's happy, says Ageless. They gave him a snail.
How convenient, says Katherine, turning a page of her novel.
A snail! says Gaius, overhearing. Where did they get it, this snail?
Twitcher doesn't know, says Ageless. But he ate it, and now he's going to sleep.
Well, I should like to know how a snail can be produced on a plane, says Gaius. Arthur!
Arthur stops eating Bunny's sunflower seeds and turns around.
Arthur, says Gaius. I have a task for you. A little investigation is required. Find the source of the snail.
Arthur gets up and walks down the aisle to the sick bay.
He is glad to have something to do.
Friday, May 10, 2013
You Are What You Eat
The first leg of the flight is from Adelaide to Dubai. Thirteen and a half hours. A long time.
After half an hour's flying the Twitcher is restless, and hungry.
He keeps asking for food.
Gaius calls the flight attendant over.
Just wondering, says Gaius. Any chance you have molluscs or crabs on the dinner menu?
No, sorry sir, says the attendant. Is it for your pet? You should have listed its special requirements.
Dear, dear, says Gaius. How about worms?
Ha ha, laughs the flight attendant.
That wasn't a joke, says the Twitcher. I do eat worms. And furthermore, get this straight, I am nobody's pet.
I see you are eating a sandwich, sir, says the flight attendant, addressing Gaius and ignoring the Twitcher. It smells like sardines.
What of it? says Gaius. There is no law against that, I hope.
No no, says the flight attendant. There is no law against it. But I wondered if your .....marine companion, might also like sardines.
It hadn't occurred to me, says Gaius. Let me ask him. Twitcher, would you like a sardine?
NO! shouts the Twitcher, alarming the passengers.
Why not, says Gaius, surprised.
If you think I'm having a double dose of radiation, says the Twitcher, you are mistaken.
The flight attendant is alerted at once.
What's this? Radiation? says the flight attendant. I shall have to report it. In fact, sir, your companion will need to be taken to the sick bay for testing. The plane may even have to turn round.
Nonsense, says Gaius. The Twitcher was just being silly.
Nevertheless, I shall report it to the captain, says the flight attendant. I must ask you not to leave your seat.
The flight attendant hurries away.
Gaius turns to Katherine, who is sitting beside him, her nose in a book.
Katherine, says Gaius, why didn't you support us?
Katherine looks up.
I was rather hoping the Twitcher would go to the sick bay, says Katherine. He's being a pestering nuisance.
Twitcher sinks to the bottom of his portable saltwater aquarium, looking daggers.
Gaius thinks about what Katherine has said and decides it makes sense.
After half an hour's flying the Twitcher is restless, and hungry.
He keeps asking for food.
Gaius calls the flight attendant over.
Just wondering, says Gaius. Any chance you have molluscs or crabs on the dinner menu?
No, sorry sir, says the attendant. Is it for your pet? You should have listed its special requirements.
Dear, dear, says Gaius. How about worms?
Ha ha, laughs the flight attendant.
That wasn't a joke, says the Twitcher. I do eat worms. And furthermore, get this straight, I am nobody's pet.
I see you are eating a sandwich, sir, says the flight attendant, addressing Gaius and ignoring the Twitcher. It smells like sardines.
What of it? says Gaius. There is no law against that, I hope.
No no, says the flight attendant. There is no law against it. But I wondered if your .....marine companion, might also like sardines.
It hadn't occurred to me, says Gaius. Let me ask him. Twitcher, would you like a sardine?
NO! shouts the Twitcher, alarming the passengers.
Why not, says Gaius, surprised.
If you think I'm having a double dose of radiation, says the Twitcher, you are mistaken.
The flight attendant is alerted at once.
What's this? Radiation? says the flight attendant. I shall have to report it. In fact, sir, your companion will need to be taken to the sick bay for testing. The plane may even have to turn round.
Nonsense, says Gaius. The Twitcher was just being silly.
Nevertheless, I shall report it to the captain, says the flight attendant. I must ask you not to leave your seat.
The flight attendant hurries away.
Gaius turns to Katherine, who is sitting beside him, her nose in a book.
Katherine, says Gaius, why didn't you support us?
Katherine looks up.
I was rather hoping the Twitcher would go to the sick bay, says Katherine. He's being a pestering nuisance.
Twitcher sinks to the bottom of his portable saltwater aquarium, looking daggers.
Gaius thinks about what Katherine has said and decides it makes sense.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Trouble At The Airport Scanner
They meet at the airport, and eye one another's luggage.
Gaius is carrying a briefcase and the Twitcher, in his portable home.
Mrs Hume is trundling an enormous blue suitcase on wheels.
Bunny has a backpack, a tin of sunflower seeds, and a wallet that bulges with notes.
Arthur has a passport and a shoe horn.
Ageless is wearing a red knitted hat.
Lavender and Baby Pierre are both carrying tiny notebooks.
It's time to go through the scanner.
I'm not going through there, says the Twitcher.
You must, says Gaius. It's mandatory.
No! says the Twitcher. I won't go. I might get irradiated.
As if that would matter, says Ageless.
It's quite harmless, says Gaius. And to prove it, look, my sandwich is going through now.
I am no sandwich, says the Twitcher.
The point is, says Gaius, I shall be eating it later. It amounts to the same thing. The radiation, if there is any, will end up inside me. And yet I'm not worried at all.
Alright, says the Twitcher. I'll go through. But speaking of sandwiches, what's to eat? I've had nothing for days.
Good heavens, says Gaius. How remiss of me! I haven't brought anything. What do cuttlefish eat? I should know......
We eat crabs, and molluscs and worms, says the Twitcher. And sometimes we eat other cuttlefish.
That's DISGUSTING! says Lavender. That's why you were the last one alive in the death box!
Yes, says the Twitcher. So what?
Lavender writes something in her notebook, and looks prim.
Gaius is carrying a briefcase and the Twitcher, in his portable home.
Mrs Hume is trundling an enormous blue suitcase on wheels.
Bunny has a backpack, a tin of sunflower seeds, and a wallet that bulges with notes.
Arthur has a passport and a shoe horn.
Ageless is wearing a red knitted hat.
Lavender and Baby Pierre are both carrying tiny notebooks.
It's time to go through the scanner.
I'm not going through there, says the Twitcher.
You must, says Gaius. It's mandatory.
No! says the Twitcher. I won't go. I might get irradiated.
As if that would matter, says Ageless.
It's quite harmless, says Gaius. And to prove it, look, my sandwich is going through now.
I am no sandwich, says the Twitcher.
The point is, says Gaius, I shall be eating it later. It amounts to the same thing. The radiation, if there is any, will end up inside me. And yet I'm not worried at all.
Alright, says the Twitcher. I'll go through. But speaking of sandwiches, what's to eat? I've had nothing for days.
Good heavens, says Gaius. How remiss of me! I haven't brought anything. What do cuttlefish eat? I should know......
We eat crabs, and molluscs and worms, says the Twitcher. And sometimes we eat other cuttlefish.
That's DISGUSTING! says Lavender. That's why you were the last one alive in the death box!
Yes, says the Twitcher. So what?
Lavender writes something in her notebook, and looks prim.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
How Women Spoil Perfectly Good Arrangements
Meanwhile, back at Gaius's house the phone rings.
It's Mrs Hume.
Gaius? says Mrs Hume.
Speaking, says Gaius.
I hear you are planning an expedition to Turkey, says Mrs Hume. I should like to come too.
There is a short silence, then....
Katherine? says Gaius. That's wonderful. But do tell me why.
Arthur tells me you're going to Pamukkale, says Mrs Hume. I have long wished to go there and bathe in the famous hot springs. As you know I have rheumatism, and circulatory problems.
Another short silence.
No, Katherine, says Gaius, I didn't know that. Are you aware that I intend first and foremost to visit the Gate to Hell, at Heiropolis? And that I shall be travelling on a shoestring, with a cuttlefish?
If you are trying to put me off, Gaius, you are not succeeding, says Katherine. These things intrigue me very much. Arthur will be travelling with me, as my companion. I have purchased new comfortable footwear. There is no more to discuss. When do we leave?
Tomorrow, says Gaius. Perchance you will not be ready?
I shall be ready, says Katherine, firmly.
She hangs up.
Gaius frowns.
......
In the kitchen, Kobo is behaving badly, being rude to the Twitcher, and calling him names.
Ageless is mystified.
Kobo, my sweet creamy dream pie, says Ageless. Let us take a walk together, to the end of the sill, and speak of the future, my future.
Your future, says Kobo. Without me.
Aha, says Ageless. You think you are dying?
Of course not, says Kobo.
Then what? says Ageless.
Nothing at all, says Kobo.
Lavender has been listening.
Ask her, says Lavender.
What? says Ageless.
Go away, Lavender, says Kobo. Stop eavesdropping.
What does Lavender mean? says Ageless. Ask her. Ask her what?
Ask Lavender, says Kobo. I'm going back to the others.
She rolls back to the other end of the window sill.
Ageless, says Lavender. Anyone can see that Kobo is JEALOUS. Ask her to come with you to Turkey.
Not on your life, says Ageless. This trip is boys only, for me as well as the Twitcher. And Lavender, you didn't hear that.
It's Mrs Hume.
Gaius? says Mrs Hume.
Speaking, says Gaius.
I hear you are planning an expedition to Turkey, says Mrs Hume. I should like to come too.
There is a short silence, then....
Katherine? says Gaius. That's wonderful. But do tell me why.
Arthur tells me you're going to Pamukkale, says Mrs Hume. I have long wished to go there and bathe in the famous hot springs. As you know I have rheumatism, and circulatory problems.
Another short silence.
No, Katherine, says Gaius, I didn't know that. Are you aware that I intend first and foremost to visit the Gate to Hell, at Heiropolis? And that I shall be travelling on a shoestring, with a cuttlefish?
If you are trying to put me off, Gaius, you are not succeeding, says Katherine. These things intrigue me very much. Arthur will be travelling with me, as my companion. I have purchased new comfortable footwear. There is no more to discuss. When do we leave?
Tomorrow, says Gaius. Perchance you will not be ready?
I shall be ready, says Katherine, firmly.
She hangs up.
Gaius frowns.
......
In the kitchen, Kobo is behaving badly, being rude to the Twitcher, and calling him names.
Ageless is mystified.
Kobo, my sweet creamy dream pie, says Ageless. Let us take a walk together, to the end of the sill, and speak of the future, my future.
Your future, says Kobo. Without me.
Aha, says Ageless. You think you are dying?
Of course not, says Kobo.
Then what? says Ageless.
Nothing at all, says Kobo.
Lavender has been listening.
Ask her, says Lavender.
What? says Ageless.
Go away, Lavender, says Kobo. Stop eavesdropping.
What does Lavender mean? says Ageless. Ask her. Ask her what?
Ask Lavender, says Kobo. I'm going back to the others.
She rolls back to the other end of the window sill.
Ageless, says Lavender. Anyone can see that Kobo is JEALOUS. Ask her to come with you to Turkey.
Not on your life, says Ageless. This trip is boys only, for me as well as the Twitcher. And Lavender, you didn't hear that.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Adventures With A Shoe Horn
Arthur is wearing new shorts. His ticket to Turkey is paid for.
He is all set.
He meets Bunny, for a coffee.
You'll never guess what, says Bunny.
Nor will you, says Arthur.
Never mind that, says Bunny. I've got six thousand dollars! I can go to Turkey.
Six thousand! says Arthur. How come?
Mr Drone paid me five thousand for the Banksy article, but he made a mistake and signed the cheque Banksy, and the teller bought the fake Banksy cheque for a thousand and then Mr Drone wrote me a new cheque for five thousand. How awesome is that!
Wait up, says Arthur. I wrote that article.
Yes you did, says Bunny. I guess I owe you some of the money. But it was my idea.
No it wasn't, says Arthur. It was Violetta's.
Well she's not getting it, says Bunny. Hey, you're wearing new shorts!
That was my news, says Arthur. Mrs Hume's coming with us to Turkey. She bought me new shorts and she paid for my ticket.
What did you have to do for that? asks Bunny.
It was painful, says Arthur. What I had to do.
What? says Bunny. What was it?
Go shopping with her, says Arthur. She wanted new shoes. She bought tight stretchy sports shoes without any laces. I had to help her get them on with a shoe horn.
What's a shoe horn? says Bunny.
This is a shoe horn, says Arthur. He takes a shoe horn out of his pocket.
How come you've got it? asks Bunny.
This one's mine, says Arthur.
You bought one for yourself? says Bunny.
No, says Arthur. I didn't buy it.
Arthur, says Bunny, shaking her head. You don't need to steal things. We're rich now.
Yes, says Arthur. That's great. We're rich now.
They order more coffee, and cake.
He is all set.
He meets Bunny, for a coffee.
You'll never guess what, says Bunny.
Nor will you, says Arthur.
Never mind that, says Bunny. I've got six thousand dollars! I can go to Turkey.
Six thousand! says Arthur. How come?
Mr Drone paid me five thousand for the Banksy article, but he made a mistake and signed the cheque Banksy, and the teller bought the fake Banksy cheque for a thousand and then Mr Drone wrote me a new cheque for five thousand. How awesome is that!
Wait up, says Arthur. I wrote that article.
Yes you did, says Bunny. I guess I owe you some of the money. But it was my idea.
No it wasn't, says Arthur. It was Violetta's.
Well she's not getting it, says Bunny. Hey, you're wearing new shorts!
That was my news, says Arthur. Mrs Hume's coming with us to Turkey. She bought me new shorts and she paid for my ticket.
What did you have to do for that? asks Bunny.
It was painful, says Arthur. What I had to do.
What? says Bunny. What was it?
Go shopping with her, says Arthur. She wanted new shoes. She bought tight stretchy sports shoes without any laces. I had to help her get them on with a shoe horn.
What's a shoe horn? says Bunny.
This is a shoe horn, says Arthur. He takes a shoe horn out of his pocket.
How come you've got it? asks Bunny.
This one's mine, says Arthur.
You bought one for yourself? says Bunny.
No, says Arthur. I didn't buy it.
Arthur, says Bunny, shaking her head. You don't need to steal things. We're rich now.
Yes, says Arthur. That's great. We're rich now.
They order more coffee, and cake.
Monday, May 6, 2013
The Generosity Of Others
Bunny presents the cheque to the teller.
Woah! says the teller. This cheque's signed by Banksy!
Oh bugger! says Bunny. Is it? That's wrong.
Yeah, says the teller, examining the cheque. But the account name's Velosophy Inc. That's not Banksy.
I know what happened, says Bunny. He's signed thousands and thousands of Banksys.
Who has? says the teller.
Mr Drone, says Bunny. My employer. His real name's Voltaire.
No kidding! says the teller. A fake Banksy, signed by Voltaire! It'd be worth a fortune.
Would it? says Bunny, doubtfully. He's just this old guy....
No, no, says the teller. I follow Velosophy. I know who The VeloDrone is. I'm an afficionado.
Of what? says Bunny.
All that kind of stuff, says the teller. Tell you what, I'll give you ......errrm.... five hundred for this.
A thousand, says Bunny.
Done, says the teller.
He hands her a thousand dollars in hundred dollar notes.
She gives him the fake cheque by Banksy.
............
Arthur is still at Mrs Hume's house.
She is planning her wardrobe for Turkey. Arthur can't get away.
I'll need some new shoes, says Mrs Hume. Suitable for walking. I have funny feet nowadays.
Funny feet? says Arthur, glancing down at her court shoes with buckles.
Yes, yes, says Mrs Hume. They are longer at the front and shorter at the back than they were. And two toes are entirely crossed over. But you needn't bother about that. Tell, me what clothes are you taking?
These shorts, says Arthur. That's if I go.
But of course you must go, says Mrs Hume. I wouldn't think of going without you. What's the matter. Won't Gaius cough up?
He's on a budget, says Arthur.
Well dear, I'll pay for your ticket, says Mrs Hume. On just one condition. You come shopping with me. I'll buy you a new outfit. Those shorts are a disgrace. What is that brown stuff?
Arthur notices the stain for the first time.
Yes, he would like some new shorts.
Woah! says the teller. This cheque's signed by Banksy!
Oh bugger! says Bunny. Is it? That's wrong.
Yeah, says the teller, examining the cheque. But the account name's Velosophy Inc. That's not Banksy.
I know what happened, says Bunny. He's signed thousands and thousands of Banksys.
Who has? says the teller.
Mr Drone, says Bunny. My employer. His real name's Voltaire.
No kidding! says the teller. A fake Banksy, signed by Voltaire! It'd be worth a fortune.
Would it? says Bunny, doubtfully. He's just this old guy....
No, no, says the teller. I follow Velosophy. I know who The VeloDrone is. I'm an afficionado.
Of what? says Bunny.
All that kind of stuff, says the teller. Tell you what, I'll give you ......errrm.... five hundred for this.
A thousand, says Bunny.
Done, says the teller.
He hands her a thousand dollars in hundred dollar notes.
She gives him the fake cheque by Banksy.
............
Arthur is still at Mrs Hume's house.
She is planning her wardrobe for Turkey. Arthur can't get away.
I'll need some new shoes, says Mrs Hume. Suitable for walking. I have funny feet nowadays.
Funny feet? says Arthur, glancing down at her court shoes with buckles.
Yes, yes, says Mrs Hume. They are longer at the front and shorter at the back than they were. And two toes are entirely crossed over. But you needn't bother about that. Tell, me what clothes are you taking?
These shorts, says Arthur. That's if I go.
But of course you must go, says Mrs Hume. I wouldn't think of going without you. What's the matter. Won't Gaius cough up?
He's on a budget, says Arthur.
Well dear, I'll pay for your ticket, says Mrs Hume. On just one condition. You come shopping with me. I'll buy you a new outfit. Those shorts are a disgrace. What is that brown stuff?
Arthur notices the stain for the first time.
Yes, he would like some new shorts.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Getting Money
Arthur has a plan to get money.
He goes to visit Mrs Hume.
Arthur! says Mrs Hume. How lovely. Come in and tell me all about Wallaroo.
He goes in. He tells her all about Wallaroo, except for the police station break-in,
Remarkable, says Mrs Hume. And you brought back the Twitcher. I hope that is legal.
Gaius has a grant, says Arthur. So I suppose it's all legal. The Copper Coast Mayor fixed it up. Gaius is taking the Twitcher to Turkey, in order to broaden the gene pool. Twitcher's already picked out a mate. He saw her picture on the internet and fell instantly in love with her colours.
Oh dear, says Mrs Hume. He ought to be careful. These internet dating sites....
And Gaius is not very worldly, says Arthur. He won't be much help.
Whereabouts is he going in Turkey? asks Mrs Hume.
Pamukkale, says Arthur. It's inland. Gaius is dudding the Twitcher.
Pamukkale! cries Mrs Hume. I've always wanted to go there.
Why? asks Arthur.
It's the eighth wonder of the world! says Mrs Hume. A white wonderland! Oh, I might just accompany Gaius.
Really? says Arthur, crestfallen. His plan isn't working so well.
...........
Bunny has no plan to get money.
She drops in to the Velosophy office.
Bunny! says Belle et Bonne. Where on earth have you been?
Here and there, says Bunny.
We've been trying to contact you, says Belle et Bonne. We owe you some money.
You do? says Bunny. What for?
That great Banksy piece you sent us, says Belle et Bonne. We made heaps out of that. We sold thousands and thousands of signed copies.
What? That silly thing? says Bunny. Who signed them?
Papa did, says Belle et Bonne. We thought Banksy wouldn't mind. We thought he'd quite like it.
Mr Drone forged it? says Bunny. Why would Banksy like that?
Der, says Belle et Bonne. Wouldn't you like your name forged by Voltaire? Anyway, here's your money.
She hands Bunny a cheque.
It's for five thousand dollars.
Bunny is elated. Now she can go to Turkey!
She takes the cheque straight to the bank, without bothering to look who has signed it.
He goes to visit Mrs Hume.
Arthur! says Mrs Hume. How lovely. Come in and tell me all about Wallaroo.
He goes in. He tells her all about Wallaroo, except for the police station break-in,
Remarkable, says Mrs Hume. And you brought back the Twitcher. I hope that is legal.
Gaius has a grant, says Arthur. So I suppose it's all legal. The Copper Coast Mayor fixed it up. Gaius is taking the Twitcher to Turkey, in order to broaden the gene pool. Twitcher's already picked out a mate. He saw her picture on the internet and fell instantly in love with her colours.
Oh dear, says Mrs Hume. He ought to be careful. These internet dating sites....
And Gaius is not very worldly, says Arthur. He won't be much help.
Whereabouts is he going in Turkey? asks Mrs Hume.
Pamukkale, says Arthur. It's inland. Gaius is dudding the Twitcher.
Pamukkale! cries Mrs Hume. I've always wanted to go there.
Why? asks Arthur.
It's the eighth wonder of the world! says Mrs Hume. A white wonderland! Oh, I might just accompany Gaius.
Really? says Arthur, crestfallen. His plan isn't working so well.
...........
Bunny has no plan to get money.
She drops in to the Velosophy office.
Bunny! says Belle et Bonne. Where on earth have you been?
Here and there, says Bunny.
We've been trying to contact you, says Belle et Bonne. We owe you some money.
You do? says Bunny. What for?
That great Banksy piece you sent us, says Belle et Bonne. We made heaps out of that. We sold thousands and thousands of signed copies.
What? That silly thing? says Bunny. Who signed them?
Papa did, says Belle et Bonne. We thought Banksy wouldn't mind. We thought he'd quite like it.
Mr Drone forged it? says Bunny. Why would Banksy like that?
Der, says Belle et Bonne. Wouldn't you like your name forged by Voltaire? Anyway, here's your money.
She hands Bunny a cheque.
It's for five thousand dollars.
Bunny is elated. Now she can go to Turkey!
She takes the cheque straight to the bank, without bothering to look who has signed it.
Constructive Criticism From An Old Fossil
Gaius unlocks his front door, and heads to the kitchen. He places the portable saltwater aquarium on the draining board, and turns towards Ageless.
Look after the Twitcher, says Gaius. I have washing to do, and tickets to book.
Lift me up then, says Ageless.
But Gaius has gone into the laundry.
Hey! calls Ageless. Hey, Twitcher!
Twitcher rises to the surface of the water.
Did I hear my brother? says Twitcher. Where is he?
Who is your brother? says Kobo, from the window sill.
Oops! says the Twitcher. Who are you? Oh! You must be the beauteous Kobo. Huh! Huh!
Let me guess who your brother is, says Kobo. Ageless, is that you down there?
Yes my love, it is I, says Ageless. I need something to climb up.
Hopeless, says Kobo. Get a chair.
Ageless drags a chair to the cupboard, and inches his way up to the sink.
Now, says Kobo. Where have you been?
Wallaroo, says Ageless. And would you believe it, they didn't invite me. I only found out because they left Baby Pierre on the bus.
On the bus! says Kobo. Is he alright?
Of course he's alright, my sweetness, says Ageless. Here he is now.
Baby Pierre! says Kobo. Who left you behind on the bus?
Bunny, says Baby Pierre.
The one with the book? says Kobo. Then it seems that she learned nothing from it. And how was the trip otherwise?
Successful, says Ageless. We got a free trip to Turkey, thanks to the Twitcher. I am his minder.
Twitcher! says Kobo. What a name.
I'm a Giant Australian Cuttlefish, says Twitcher. Endangered and needing a mate. Not you though. I'll leave you to Ageless. Huh! huh!
How rude you are, Twitcher, says Kobo. A cuttlefish eh? Up yourself, like you all are. Changing colour willy nilly and shimmying about. How soon are you leaving?
Twitcher starts to blub.
Stop blubbing! What's the matter? says Kobo. Can't stand a bit of constructive criticism from an old fossil?
Ageless can't understand it. Why is Kobo in such a bad mood?
And her criticism wasn't constructive. What made her say that?
Look after the Twitcher, says Gaius. I have washing to do, and tickets to book.
Lift me up then, says Ageless.
But Gaius has gone into the laundry.
Hey! calls Ageless. Hey, Twitcher!
Twitcher rises to the surface of the water.
Did I hear my brother? says Twitcher. Where is he?
Who is your brother? says Kobo, from the window sill.
Oops! says the Twitcher. Who are you? Oh! You must be the beauteous Kobo. Huh! Huh!
Let me guess who your brother is, says Kobo. Ageless, is that you down there?
Yes my love, it is I, says Ageless. I need something to climb up.
Hopeless, says Kobo. Get a chair.
Ageless drags a chair to the cupboard, and inches his way up to the sink.
Now, says Kobo. Where have you been?
Wallaroo, says Ageless. And would you believe it, they didn't invite me. I only found out because they left Baby Pierre on the bus.
On the bus! says Kobo. Is he alright?
Of course he's alright, my sweetness, says Ageless. Here he is now.
Baby Pierre! says Kobo. Who left you behind on the bus?
Bunny, says Baby Pierre.
The one with the book? says Kobo. Then it seems that she learned nothing from it. And how was the trip otherwise?
Successful, says Ageless. We got a free trip to Turkey, thanks to the Twitcher. I am his minder.
Twitcher! says Kobo. What a name.
I'm a Giant Australian Cuttlefish, says Twitcher. Endangered and needing a mate. Not you though. I'll leave you to Ageless. Huh! huh!
How rude you are, Twitcher, says Kobo. A cuttlefish eh? Up yourself, like you all are. Changing colour willy nilly and shimmying about. How soon are you leaving?
Twitcher starts to blub.
Stop blubbing! What's the matter? says Kobo. Can't stand a bit of constructive criticism from an old fossil?
Ageless can't understand it. Why is Kobo in such a bad mood?
And her criticism wasn't constructive. What made her say that?
Friday, May 3, 2013
You Mortals Know Nothing
The bus rolls into Adelaide.
Adelaide looks different somehow.
Awesome, says Violetta. Look at the street art.
It is true there is street art all over the place.
Something must have happened, says Violetta. All those guys are working right out in the open, in broad daylight. Stop driver!
The bus stops, Violetta gets off and heads for the Morphett Street Bridge.
Hmm, says Gaius. Good bye, Violetta. Something tells me she won't come to Turkey.
What! says the Twitcher. She's the only one who likes me!
You still have me, brother, says Ageless. Do I like you?
I have doubts, says Twitcher.
I like you, says Gaius. You'll be coming with me. As soon as the bus reaches the terminus, we shall go to my house. There we shall pack up for Turkey. You will need nothing, other than your portable salt water aquarium. But I shall need some clean clothes, and snacks.
Are you coming, Ageless? says the Twitcher.
I shall come, says Ageless. It will give me a chance to see Kobo, my sweet lady love.
You have a sweet love? says the Twitcher. Is she beauteous? Does she have soulful eyes?
No, says Ageless. My love is a fossilised clam. She is creamy and hard. She has never had eyes that I know of. She loves reading above all other things.
Then she can't ever have seen you, says Twitcher. Ha ha! That's so funny. And how can she read with no eyes?
Don't mock. You mortals know nothing, says Ageless.
She's really OLD, says Lavender. She's our auntie. I can't wait to tell her we're going to Turkey.
The bus pulls in to the station. Everyone gets out.
Well, Arthur and Bunny, says Gaius. This is goodbye.
But we're coming to Turkey, says Bunny. So we'll see you quite soon.
The thing is...... says Gaius, can you pay for your tickets? My grant will not stretch to two aides.
Don't worry about that, says Arthur. I'll get money.
Are you sure? says Gaius. Because Lavender here travels free of charge, and is surprisingly cluey. She's the one who advised me (too late, as it happened) about the importance of audience profiling.
Yes, says Arthur. But can she steal knives and break windows?
I think not, says Gaius. Good point.
Adelaide looks different somehow.
Awesome, says Violetta. Look at the street art.
It is true there is street art all over the place.
Something must have happened, says Violetta. All those guys are working right out in the open, in broad daylight. Stop driver!
The bus stops, Violetta gets off and heads for the Morphett Street Bridge.
Hmm, says Gaius. Good bye, Violetta. Something tells me she won't come to Turkey.
What! says the Twitcher. She's the only one who likes me!
You still have me, brother, says Ageless. Do I like you?
I have doubts, says Twitcher.
I like you, says Gaius. You'll be coming with me. As soon as the bus reaches the terminus, we shall go to my house. There we shall pack up for Turkey. You will need nothing, other than your portable salt water aquarium. But I shall need some clean clothes, and snacks.
Are you coming, Ageless? says the Twitcher.
I shall come, says Ageless. It will give me a chance to see Kobo, my sweet lady love.
You have a sweet love? says the Twitcher. Is she beauteous? Does she have soulful eyes?
No, says Ageless. My love is a fossilised clam. She is creamy and hard. She has never had eyes that I know of. She loves reading above all other things.
Then she can't ever have seen you, says Twitcher. Ha ha! That's so funny. And how can she read with no eyes?
Don't mock. You mortals know nothing, says Ageless.
She's really OLD, says Lavender. She's our auntie. I can't wait to tell her we're going to Turkey.
The bus pulls in to the station. Everyone gets out.
Well, Arthur and Bunny, says Gaius. This is goodbye.
But we're coming to Turkey, says Bunny. So we'll see you quite soon.
The thing is...... says Gaius, can you pay for your tickets? My grant will not stretch to two aides.
Don't worry about that, says Arthur. I'll get money.
Are you sure? says Gaius. Because Lavender here travels free of charge, and is surprisingly cluey. She's the one who advised me (too late, as it happened) about the importance of audience profiling.
Yes, says Arthur. But can she steal knives and break windows?
I think not, says Gaius. Good point.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
The Implications Of Subtext
What is subtext? whispers Twitcher to Ageless.
You have asked the right person, says Ageless. I spend a great deal of time in the library. It is what you don't know.
How could I know? says the Twitcher.
Meaning? says Ageless.
I just met you, says Twitcher.
Ah, I see, says Ageless. You referred to my frequenting the library. Not what subtext is. Which is what you don't know.
It isn't, says Arthur, overhearing. That's not what subtext is. It's what is implied.
Implied, says the Twitcher. Well, what is implied in the case of me being like someone with an internal injury, when I plainly don't have one?
You might have one and not even know, says Lavender.
That is true, agrees Ageless. After all, you are mortal.
I don't like that book, says the Twitcher.
I do, says Baby Pierre. I'm in it. There's a man called Pierre who's a priest. He's an atheist and a free thinker, just like me.
You've forgotten something, says Lavender.
What? says Baby Pierre.
He can't get married, says Lavender. Even if Marie gets better.
Why not? says Baby Pierre.
I knew you'd forgotten, says Lavender. He made a vow. He can never get married.
A vow? says the Twitcher. Is that like an internal injury?
No, says Bunny. Definitely not.
It is in a way, says Arthur.
I don't want to get married, says Baby Pierre.
BUT I DO! cries the Twitcher, becoming agitated.
Calm down brother, says Ageless. You will.
You have asked the right person, says Ageless. I spend a great deal of time in the library. It is what you don't know.
How could I know? says the Twitcher.
Meaning? says Ageless.
I just met you, says Twitcher.
Ah, I see, says Ageless. You referred to my frequenting the library. Not what subtext is. Which is what you don't know.
It isn't, says Arthur, overhearing. That's not what subtext is. It's what is implied.
Implied, says the Twitcher. Well, what is implied in the case of me being like someone with an internal injury, when I plainly don't have one?
You might have one and not even know, says Lavender.
That is true, agrees Ageless. After all, you are mortal.
I don't like that book, says the Twitcher.
I do, says Baby Pierre. I'm in it. There's a man called Pierre who's a priest. He's an atheist and a free thinker, just like me.
You've forgotten something, says Lavender.
What? says Baby Pierre.
He can't get married, says Lavender. Even if Marie gets better.
Why not? says Baby Pierre.
I knew you'd forgotten, says Lavender. He made a vow. He can never get married.
A vow? says the Twitcher. Is that like an internal injury?
No, says Bunny. Definitely not.
It is in a way, says Arthur.
I don't want to get married, says Baby Pierre.
BUT I DO! cries the Twitcher, becoming agitated.
Calm down brother, says Ageless. You will.
Sister Hyacinthe And Brother Ageless
Come and sit here, says Bunny to Lavender and Baby Pierre. I'll read more of Lourdes. It'll help pass the time on the bus.
We don't trust you, says Baby Pierre.
We only trust Arthur, says Lavender.
Then Arthur can read it, says Bunny. It makes no difference to me.
She hands Arthur the book.
Arthur starts reading.
Arthur! says Lavender. Read aloud!
It's about ugly people with horrible diseases, says Arthur.
Not Marie, says Bunny. She's beautiful. She has an internal injury, and she's thin and can't walk.
She's in a box, says Lavender. Like the Twitcher.
Did somebody mention me? asks the Twitcher, rising to the surface of his tank.
Yes, says Baby Pierre. Lavender says this story's about someone like you. Come over and listen.
Someone will have to move me, says the Twitcher. Ageless, my brother....?
Ageless sighs. It is difficult for him to manage the Twitcher, even on a bus. The water in the portable saltwater aquarium slops and rolls and splashes the seat.
Can't do it, says Ageless.
I'll do it, says Bunny. I feel like Sister Hyacinthe. Ave! Ave!
She picks up the aquarium and plonks it on the seat next to Arthur.
Hey! says Arthur. I'm wet!
Sorry, says Twitcher. I could get out for a while.
Now you tell us, says Ageless. I mean, yes certainly, why not, my brother? Let me help you.
Hee hee, giggles Lavender. Brother Ageless!
So who is like ME? says the Twitcher, when Ageless has levered him out.
Marie is like you, says Lavender. She has an internal injury......
I don't have an internal injury, says the Twitcher, disappointed.
And she has to ride in a box like you, Twitcher, says Lavender. You didn't wait till I'd finished.
Where's she going? asks Twitcher.
To Lourdes, for a miracle, says Bunny. It's so lovely.
No it isn't, says Arthur. You're missing the point. It's just a psychological illness. That's why she'll be cured.
How disappointing, says Bunny. How do you know?
It's obvious, says Arthur. Can't you read subtext?
Give me that book, says Bunny, grabbing it back.
The Twitcher is very confused.
What is subtext?
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