Ring Ring!
Hello, says Arthur.
Arthur! says Gaius. I need you to do me a favour.
What? says Arthur. I'm just riding up Willy Hill.
You don't say? says Gaius. That is most convenient. I have received a concussion and need a ride home.
From where? says Arthur, as Sweezus pulls ahead of him, due to not having to be talking.
Willunga, says Gaius. That's why it's so convenient. I'm in a park off the main street opposite the doctor's surgery.
Okay, says Arthur. Sit tight. We'll be there shortly.
He continues to ride up the hill. Sweezus is thirty seconds ahead of him.
........
Margaret is pleased with the way things have turned out.
Gaius is out of the picture, and she has his bike to ride home with a dashing and erudite companion.
Margaret and Professor Xu Xing, the dashing and erudite companion, reach the turn off.
Margaret is about to turn right.
No, no, says Professor Xu Xing. We must go back to the coast and find the official recorder, and his cousin the soothsayer.
How annoying. What does he want to do that for?
All right, says Margaret. Let's go.
They head down towards Port Willunga, to look for Lavender and Baby Pierre, who are right where they left them.
I knew you'd come back, cries Lavender. And look! Baby Pierre's done my picture!
Professor Xu Xing takes a look at the highly detailed picture of the turreted snail.
So talented, this little pebble! So far sighted, his little cousin!
He hopes to persuade them to come back with him to China.
.........
At the top of Willunga Hill, Sweezus is waiting for Arthur.
What happened man? says Sweezus. I told you you should ditch those needles.
It wasn't the needles, says Arthur. Gaius is down the bottom. He wants a lift home.
Lift? says Sweezus. Hasn't he got his own bike?
Concussion, says Arthur.
Woah! says Sweezus. Let's head down there.
At the bottom, they find Gaius in the park, sitting waiting.
Where's the car? asks Gaius.
What car? says Arthur.
I've been told I must go home in a car, says Gaius. Because of the concussion. And do you have anything to eat on you? I'm feeling peckish.
What a bugger. Sweezus looks at Arthur. What now?
I know! says Arthur. Surfing-With-Whales's mother lives at Port Noarlunga. We should call Mrs Swales.
I'll do it, says Sweezus.
Ring Ring!
Hello, says Lauren Swales. What? Sweezus? Bob isn't here. Me? Oh... oh... yes I do... oh dear how awful... yes I'll come straight away and I'll bring some leftover pizza. Does he mind if it's cold?... no I thought not.....bye dear... so glad you called me.
Ah. How just awesomely lovely some people's mums are.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Friday, May 29, 2015
Friendship And Best Tomato
Chris Froome; How's it going?
Richie Porte: My knee or the poem?
Chris Froome: Poem what poem?
Richie Porte: I told you.
Chris Froome: OH DE ODE!
Richie Porte: Very funny. But it's not all that easy.
Chris Froome: Gimme a look. Shit man, it's all crossings out.
Richie Porte: That's how you do it.
Chris Froome (reading): Spliced open revealing/ yellow grinning teeth. Hey, that's totally poetry.
Richie Porte: Thanks but one line's not a poem.
Chris Froome: Mate, one fuckin word can be a poem.
Richie Porte: Yeah? Example?
Chris Froome: Dunno. You're the poet. Hang on, what about this one? Tomatode?
Richie Porte: No good, Chris. I was thinking of something in the style of the Middle Tang poets.
Chris Froome: Wahay! That's classy. You mean like this one (reads): In China/ Middle Tang has/ best tomato.
Richie Porte: You're reading it upside down dickhead. It's: Best tomato/ has Middle Tang/ in China.
Chris Froome: Oh yeah, it's got a double meaning. You're good Richie.
Richie Porte: Thanks mate.
Chris Froome: Any time. Oh well, gotta go. Is there anything I can get you?
Richie Porte: I'd kill for a cro-nut.
........
Meanwhile on the other side of the world, in Willunga:
Gaius is sitting up.
Do you know where you are? asks Doctor Beverley.
Yes, says Gaius. I am in your surgery, in Willunga. My name is Gaius Plinius Secundus. I am a natural historian. I was at Maslin Bay with my geologist and paleontologist colleagues, my official recorder, and his young cousin, when I fell down the cliff face. What is that smell?
My lunch, says Doctor Beverley. It's good you have your sense of smell back. Now we must work out how you'll get home.
I shall cycle home with my colleagues, says Gaius.
I don't think so, says Doctor Beverley. You still need to rest. Ideally you should get a taxi. Would you like me to call one?
NO! says Gaius. Where are my colleagues?
Margaret and Professor Xu Xing are allowed into the surgery.
Professor Xu Xing looks concerned.
Feeling better? asks Margaret.
Yes thank you, says Gaius. But I'm not allowed to go home by bicycle.
Margaret brightens immediately. This means she can borrow his bike.
I'll phone Arthur, says Gaius. He'll organise something.
All right then, says Doctor Beverley. I'll leave you in the hands of your friends. Here is my bill. And I'll see you two at the dinner tomorrow.
Lovely, says Margaret.
They conduct Gaius out of the surgery and over the road to a park bench, where he can sit and call Arthur.
This might work out well. Arthur is already in the vicinity.
Richie Porte: My knee or the poem?
Chris Froome: Poem what poem?
Richie Porte: I told you.
Chris Froome: OH DE ODE!
Richie Porte: Very funny. But it's not all that easy.
Chris Froome: Gimme a look. Shit man, it's all crossings out.
Richie Porte: That's how you do it.
Chris Froome (reading): Spliced open revealing/ yellow grinning teeth. Hey, that's totally poetry.
Richie Porte: Thanks but one line's not a poem.
Chris Froome: Mate, one fuckin word can be a poem.
Richie Porte: Yeah? Example?
Chris Froome: Dunno. You're the poet. Hang on, what about this one? Tomatode?
Richie Porte: No good, Chris. I was thinking of something in the style of the Middle Tang poets.
Chris Froome: Wahay! That's classy. You mean like this one (reads): In China/ Middle Tang has/ best tomato.
Richie Porte: You're reading it upside down dickhead. It's: Best tomato/ has Middle Tang/ in China.
Chris Froome: Oh yeah, it's got a double meaning. You're good Richie.
Richie Porte: Thanks mate.
Chris Froome: Any time. Oh well, gotta go. Is there anything I can get you?
Richie Porte: I'd kill for a cro-nut.
........
Meanwhile on the other side of the world, in Willunga:
Gaius is sitting up.
Do you know where you are? asks Doctor Beverley.
Yes, says Gaius. I am in your surgery, in Willunga. My name is Gaius Plinius Secundus. I am a natural historian. I was at Maslin Bay with my geologist and paleontologist colleagues, my official recorder, and his young cousin, when I fell down the cliff face. What is that smell?
My lunch, says Doctor Beverley. It's good you have your sense of smell back. Now we must work out how you'll get home.
I shall cycle home with my colleagues, says Gaius.
I don't think so, says Doctor Beverley. You still need to rest. Ideally you should get a taxi. Would you like me to call one?
NO! says Gaius. Where are my colleagues?
Margaret and Professor Xu Xing are allowed into the surgery.
Professor Xu Xing looks concerned.
Feeling better? asks Margaret.
Margaret brightens immediately. This means she can borrow his bike.
I'll phone Arthur, says Gaius. He'll organise something.
All right then, says Doctor Beverley. I'll leave you in the hands of your friends. Here is my bill. And I'll see you two at the dinner tomorrow.
Lovely, says Margaret.
They conduct Gaius out of the surgery and over the road to a park bench, where he can sit and call Arthur.
This might work out well. Arthur is already in the vicinity.
Synchronicity
Many things, which are happening at exactly the same moment.
One:
Gaius is lying on a short bed in Bev's surgery. His feet are unsupported. He dreams he is paddling.
Two:
Margaret is opening her wallet in order to get out the money to buy two tickets for the Star of Greece Dinner, which is tomorrow night.
Three:
Professor Xu Xing is wondering how he can possibly get out of going.
Four:
Baby Pierre and Lavender are still on the beach. Baby Pierre is making a detailed sketch of a turreted snail. Lavender is humming less aggressively. She thinks it is her.
Five:
Vello and David have arrived in McLaren Vale and stopped at the Pik a Pie Bakery There they have met Arthur and Sweezus, who have also stopped at the Pik a Pie Bakery, on their way to Willunga to ride Willy Hill.
Hello lads! says Vello. What pies are you having?
Seafood Platter, says Sweezus. Prawn, calamari, crab and Atlantic salmon.
It's a pie, says Arthur. With seafood in it.
I can see that, says Vello. Is it tasty?
Yeah. Try it, says Sweezus.
Soon they are all eating Seafood Platters.
You two doing Willy Hill? asks David, dropping a fish flake.
Yeah, says Sweezus. Time to get serious. Team Condor just confirmed another team member.
Who? asks Vello, slurping up crab juice.
Pablo, says Arthur. He's almost finished the Giro.
The Giro! says David. I'd forgotten all about it. What's the latest?
Alberto's still winning, says Sweezus. Richie hurt his knee and went home.
How disappointing for Richie, says David.
He's looking on the bright side, says Sweezus.
There's a bright side? says Vello. What is it?
He's writing an ode to tomatoes, says Arthur.
Vello snorts out a stream of wet crumbs.
.........
Six:
Richie Porte is sitting up in bed with a notebook and pencil (and rubber).
He has made several false starts.
He tries to remember Pablo's ode to tomatoes. How did it go?
The street
filled with tomatoes
midday
summer
light is
halved
like
a
tomato
its juice
runs
through the streets.
And that's only the first verse. How do you write poetry like that?
His friend Chris Froome knocks on the door.
Richie puts down the pencil.
One:
Gaius is lying on a short bed in Bev's surgery. His feet are unsupported. He dreams he is paddling.
Two:
Margaret is opening her wallet in order to get out the money to buy two tickets for the Star of Greece Dinner, which is tomorrow night.
Three:
Professor Xu Xing is wondering how he can possibly get out of going.
Four:
Baby Pierre and Lavender are still on the beach. Baby Pierre is making a detailed sketch of a turreted snail. Lavender is humming less aggressively. She thinks it is her.
Five:
Vello and David have arrived in McLaren Vale and stopped at the Pik a Pie Bakery There they have met Arthur and Sweezus, who have also stopped at the Pik a Pie Bakery, on their way to Willunga to ride Willy Hill.
Hello lads! says Vello. What pies are you having?
Seafood Platter, says Sweezus. Prawn, calamari, crab and Atlantic salmon.
It's a pie, says Arthur. With seafood in it.
I can see that, says Vello. Is it tasty?
Yeah. Try it, says Sweezus.
Soon they are all eating Seafood Platters.
You two doing Willy Hill? asks David, dropping a fish flake.
Yeah, says Sweezus. Time to get serious. Team Condor just confirmed another team member.
Who? asks Vello, slurping up crab juice.
Pablo, says Arthur. He's almost finished the Giro.
The Giro! says David. I'd forgotten all about it. What's the latest?
Alberto's still winning, says Sweezus. Richie hurt his knee and went home.
How disappointing for Richie, says David.
He's looking on the bright side, says Sweezus.
There's a bright side? says Vello. What is it?
He's writing an ode to tomatoes, says Arthur.
Vello snorts out a stream of wet crumbs.
.........
Six:
Richie Porte is sitting up in bed with a notebook and pencil (and rubber).
He has made several false starts.
He tries to remember Pablo's ode to tomatoes. How did it go?
The street
filled with tomatoes
midday
summer
light is
halved
like
a
tomato
its juice
runs
through the streets.
And that's only the first verse. How do you write poetry like that?
His friend Chris Froome knocks on the door.
Richie puts down the pencil.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Careless Odours
Gaius has dilated pupils. The pupils are not the same size.
He has a headache and feels dizzy and nauseous.
He has no memory of what happened.
And no sense of smell.
In his ears, there is ringing.
(But that is the doorbell).
Margaret and Professor Xu Xing have arrived at the surgery.
Wills lets them in.
........
Earlier:
Vello and Davis are cycling away from Willunga.
Obviously they didn't notice Gaius being led into Bev's surgery by Wills and Harry.
It is sunny, and the pale green late autumn Willunga hills form a fine rolling back drop.
He'll be fine, says Vello.
Of course he will, agrees David.
(Let's forget we heard that).
Two riders are coming towards them, from Port Willunga.
Vello! David! cries Margaret.
Is that Margaret? says David. How embarassing. She's with Professor Xu Xing.
Can't we pretend we didn't see them? says Vello.
Hardly, says David. He's waving. We'd better slow down.
Margaret is puffing, as it is slightly uphill in that direction.
Did you see Gaius? says Margaret. Is he all right?
Er......no, says Vello. Why, what has happened?
Concussion, says Margaret. We're following the Rock Fall Emergency vehicle to the doctor's.
Goodness me, says David. Then don't let us stop you.
How pleasant to see you out here, says Professor Xu Xing. I heard you were terribly busy.
Yes, yes, says Vello. Terribly busy. We are just heading back to the office. Lots to do. You can't imagine....
I can, says Professor Xu Xing. I am a busy man too, always working. But Margaret and Gaius have been most gracious. It was delightful, until Gaius fell down the cliff face.
Dear, dear, says David. Give him our best wishes.
Do, says Vello. And warn him, if you get the opportunity, not to buy any tickets.
David kicks Vello's ankle. Too late.
Tickets? says Margaret. What tickets? Is something on somewhere?
No, just a general warning, mumbles Vello.
Margaret now has an added incentive. She gets back on her bike, and pedals off towards the town of Willunga, followed by Professor Xu Xing.
Vello and David continue their ride back to Adelaide.
Their ethical dilemmas, if they had any, drift behind them, like careless odours, rising to the heavens where they form a nebulous cloud.
He has a headache and feels dizzy and nauseous.
He has no memory of what happened.
And no sense of smell.
In his ears, there is ringing.
(But that is the doorbell).
Margaret and Professor Xu Xing have arrived at the surgery.
Wills lets them in.
........
Earlier:
Vello and Davis are cycling away from Willunga.
Obviously they didn't notice Gaius being led into Bev's surgery by Wills and Harry.
It is sunny, and the pale green late autumn Willunga hills form a fine rolling back drop.
He'll be fine, says Vello.
Of course he will, agrees David.
(Let's forget we heard that).
Two riders are coming towards them, from Port Willunga.
Vello! David! cries Margaret.
Is that Margaret? says David. How embarassing. She's with Professor Xu Xing.
Can't we pretend we didn't see them? says Vello.
Hardly, says David. He's waving. We'd better slow down.
Margaret is puffing, as it is slightly uphill in that direction.
Did you see Gaius? says Margaret. Is he all right?
Er......no, says Vello. Why, what has happened?
Concussion, says Margaret. We're following the Rock Fall Emergency vehicle to the doctor's.
Goodness me, says David. Then don't let us stop you.
How pleasant to see you out here, says Professor Xu Xing. I heard you were terribly busy.
Yes, yes, says Vello. Terribly busy. We are just heading back to the office. Lots to do. You can't imagine....
I can, says Professor Xu Xing. I am a busy man too, always working. But Margaret and Gaius have been most gracious. It was delightful, until Gaius fell down the cliff face.
Dear, dear, says David. Give him our best wishes.
Do, says Vello. And warn him, if you get the opportunity, not to buy any tickets.
David kicks Vello's ankle. Too late.
Tickets? says Margaret. What tickets? Is something on somewhere?
No, just a general warning, mumbles Vello.
Margaret now has an added incentive. She gets back on her bike, and pedals off towards the town of Willunga, followed by Professor Xu Xing.
Vello and David continue their ride back to Adelaide.
Their ethical dilemmas, if they had any, drift behind them, like careless odours, rising to the heavens where they form a nebulous cloud.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
How To Identify A Doctor By Flashlight
Let's cut to Willunga.
David and Vello are emerging from the front door of Bev, a friend of the Beverleys.
They have just forked out three hundred dollars for the Star of Greece dinner.
The original Beverleys have left earlier.
Which of the Beverleys, if any, is the doctor?
There are two ways that we could find out.
One is, by listening to David and Vello, who have met all three Beverleys.
Right, let's listen.
David: What are we going to do with these tickets?
Vello: Use them of course.
David: Are you joking? The Beverleys are insatiable fundraisers. Who knows what sort of mess we'd end up in?
Vello: David, David. You know we can talk our way out of anything.
David: Then explain why we didn't talk our way out of buying the tickets?
Vello: You are too soft. And too interested in women.
David: That's rich coming from you.
Vello: I'm not soft.
David: I meant about women.
Vello: Don't try to wriggle out of it, David.
David: An empiricist doesn't wriggle.
Vello: And a humanist does?
David: I'm not saying.......Oh look! Is that a Rock Fall Emergency vehicle stopping at Bev's house?
( At last! )
( No need for the second way, which was, wait and see whose house the Rock Fall Emergency vehicle turns up at, although, in a sense, we have done that ).
The Rock Fall Emergency vehicle has stopped and Wills has helped Gaius out.
Wills and Harry are now leading Gaius up to the front door.
Wills: Careful now. We don't want you to trip over.
Gaius: I do feel dizzy.
Harry: Easy does it.
Ring! Ring!
Bev (opening the front door): What's up, Wills?
Wills: A case of suspected concussion.
Bev: Come in and lie down. I'll get my flashlight.
Gaius: Flashlight?
Bev: To examine your pupils.
Aha. So Bev is the doctor.
Now can anyone remember why we wanted to know that?
David and Vello are emerging from the front door of Bev, a friend of the Beverleys.
They have just forked out three hundred dollars for the Star of Greece dinner.
The original Beverleys have left earlier.
Which of the Beverleys, if any, is the doctor?
There are two ways that we could find out.
One is, by listening to David and Vello, who have met all three Beverleys.
Right, let's listen.
David: What are we going to do with these tickets?
Vello: Use them of course.
David: Are you joking? The Beverleys are insatiable fundraisers. Who knows what sort of mess we'd end up in?
Vello: David, David. You know we can talk our way out of anything.
David: Then explain why we didn't talk our way out of buying the tickets?
Vello: You are too soft. And too interested in women.
David: That's rich coming from you.
Vello: I'm not soft.
David: I meant about women.
Vello: Don't try to wriggle out of it, David.
David: An empiricist doesn't wriggle.
Vello: And a humanist does?
David: I'm not saying.......Oh look! Is that a Rock Fall Emergency vehicle stopping at Bev's house?
( At last! )
( No need for the second way, which was, wait and see whose house the Rock Fall Emergency vehicle turns up at, although, in a sense, we have done that ).
The Rock Fall Emergency vehicle has stopped and Wills has helped Gaius out.
Wills and Harry are now leading Gaius up to the front door.
Wills: Careful now. We don't want you to trip over.
Gaius: I do feel dizzy.
Harry: Easy does it.
Ring! Ring!
Bev (opening the front door): What's up, Wills?
Wills: A case of suspected concussion.
Bev: Come in and lie down. I'll get my flashlight.
Gaius: Flashlight?
Bev: To examine your pupils.
Aha. So Bev is the doctor.
Now can anyone remember why we wanted to know that?
Monday, May 25, 2015
Skin Deep
The Rock Fall Emergency Squad consists of two persons and two rolls of flags.
Having placed one set of flags at the top of the cliff
they head down the ramp
at the end of the car park
to cordon off the rock fall at the bottom.
They have now reached the chunk of Hallet Cove Sandstone that Gaius dislodged.
There is blood on it.
Blood! says Harry.
Blimey! says Wills. Backup required!
Wait on, says Harry.
He has spied Gaius, Margaret and Professor Xu Xing, even though they are trying to look inconspicuous.
Harry makes his way over the rocks to the slippery shoreline.
Were any of you involved in the rock fall? asks Harry.
I was, says Gaius. No point denying it. I grazed my leg, but other than that, I am undamaged,
YOU may be undamaged, says Harry, looking pointedly at the cliff face.
I apologise, says Gaius. It won't happen again. I was looking for bryozoans and echinoids and may have been a little careless.
Wills comes over to join them.
Lost anything? says Wills.
Only some snacks, says Gaius. And Baby Pierre has recovered one. Here, try a mandarin segment.
If I know anything about anything, says Wills, that is part of an orange. And these here are mandarins. The skin's different.
He holds out three mandarins. The skin is quite different.
I knew it, says Margaret. Didn't I say so?
Gaius takes a closer look at the orange.
Jupiter's balls! How could he have been so mistaken?
Perhaps he has concussion.
Professor Xu Xing has a look. If anyone should be able to tell the age of an orange, it's a paleontologist.
Hm, says Professor Xu Xing. Away from the lab, I can't be certain, but the rind is quite dry and yellow. This is sign of old age in an orange.
Let's ditch the orange, says Margaret. Baby Pierre, go and drop it back in the cranny.
NO! says Wills. That area is out of bounds until further notice.
We'd better put up the flags, says Harry.
I think I may have concussion, says Gaius. (He feels funny).
Right! says Wills. Soon as the flags are up, I'll get you sorted. My wife Beverley is a doctor.
Wow? Is this a coincidence, or another freaking Beverley who lives in Willunga?
Having placed one set of flags at the top of the cliff
they head down the ramp
at the end of the car park
to cordon off the rock fall at the bottom.
They have now reached the chunk of Hallet Cove Sandstone that Gaius dislodged.
There is blood on it.
Blood! says Harry.
Blimey! says Wills. Backup required!
Wait on, says Harry.
He has spied Gaius, Margaret and Professor Xu Xing, even though they are trying to look inconspicuous.
Harry makes his way over the rocks to the slippery shoreline.
Were any of you involved in the rock fall? asks Harry.
I was, says Gaius. No point denying it. I grazed my leg, but other than that, I am undamaged,
YOU may be undamaged, says Harry, looking pointedly at the cliff face.
I apologise, says Gaius. It won't happen again. I was looking for bryozoans and echinoids and may have been a little careless.
Wills comes over to join them.
Lost anything? says Wills.
Only some snacks, says Gaius. And Baby Pierre has recovered one. Here, try a mandarin segment.
If I know anything about anything, says Wills, that is part of an orange. And these here are mandarins. The skin's different.
He holds out three mandarins. The skin is quite different.
I knew it, says Margaret. Didn't I say so?
Gaius takes a closer look at the orange.
Jupiter's balls! How could he have been so mistaken?
Perhaps he has concussion.
Professor Xu Xing has a look. If anyone should be able to tell the age of an orange, it's a paleontologist.
Hm, says Professor Xu Xing. Away from the lab, I can't be certain, but the rind is quite dry and yellow. This is sign of old age in an orange.
Let's ditch the orange, says Margaret. Baby Pierre, go and drop it back in the cranny.
NO! says Wills. That area is out of bounds until further notice.
We'd better put up the flags, says Harry.
I think I may have concussion, says Gaius. (He feels funny).
Right! says Wills. Soon as the flags are up, I'll get you sorted. My wife Beverley is a doctor.
Wow? Is this a coincidence, or another freaking Beverley who lives in Willunga?
Sunday, May 24, 2015
The Mystery Of The Lost Mandarin
Rock fall!
A large chunk of fossiliferous Hallett Cove sandstone crashes down to the rock heaps below.
Gaius falls with it, merely grazing his leg.
Nonetheless, it is a lesson.
Gaius! shouts Margaret. Are you all right?
Yes, says Gaius. A little shaken. And my mandarins have disappeared into a cranny.
I didn't know you had any left, says Margaret.
I had three left, says Gaius. But now I have none.
I'll find them, says Baby Pierre.
Anything to get away from the humming, which has started up again.
Baby Pierre heads over to the cliff base and pokes about in the cranny.
What's that humming? says Gaius.
Lavender, says Margaret.
A lucky name, says Professor Xu Xing.
Thank you, says Lavender. I knew you would say something nice.
May I ask how you knew it? asks Professor Xu Xing.
I know the future, says Lavender.
We must speak further, says Professor Xu Xing.
You don't mean to say you believe her? says Margaret.
It's wise to keep one's mind open, says Professor Xu Xing. That is how I have always advanced in my profession.
See! says Lavender.
What were you humming? asks Gaius.
Nothing, says Lavender. Humming is humming.
More wisdom, says Professor Xu Xing. So tell me, little fossil, what is the future for Chinese science?
Gaius is impressed with the scope of the question. He sits down on a slippery wet rock.
Ummm, says Lavender. CHINESE science? Let me see. Mm. It will be like, um, something will be discovered.
What will it be? asks Professor Xu Xing.
Something with scratches all over it, says Lavender, looking at Gaius's leg.
Will it be found in the Chinese Jurassic fossil beds? asks Professor Xu Xing.
No, says Lavender.
She senses that Professor Xu Xing is losing interest.
She remembers her trip to Beijing. Her interviews with various Chinese doctors and professors of paleontology.
Sadistics, says Lavender.
Remarkable, says Professor Xu Xing. Cladistics. That is also my hope for the future.
(Sometimes you hear what you want to hear).
Lavender is pleased with herself for remembering sadistics.
It proves that she does know the future.
Ha ha to Baby Pierre. He is reduced to looking for lost mandarins in rock crannies.
He won't find even one.
Found one! cries Baby Pierre, brandishing a dented mandarin.
Excellent! says Gaius reaching forward to take it.
Woosh! He slips off the wet rock and onto an underwater rock shelf.
He pulls himself out. Dripping.
It's obviously not my day, says Gaius.
I blame myself, says Professor Xu Xing. No doubt Lavender could have predicted the accident, had I not diverted her attention.
Never mind, says Margaret. Let's all share the orange.
Orange! says Gaius. It's not an orange! It's a mandarin.
Margaret breaks it up into sections, thinking: It looks like an orange.
Of course it is possible that it really is an orange.
No one saw where Baby Pierre was when he found it.
This could turn out to be worth delving into, but....
Just then there is a shout from the cliff top.
The local Rock Fall Emergency Squad has arrived!
A large chunk of fossiliferous Hallett Cove sandstone crashes down to the rock heaps below.
Gaius falls with it, merely grazing his leg.
Nonetheless, it is a lesson.
Gaius! shouts Margaret. Are you all right?
Yes, says Gaius. A little shaken. And my mandarins have disappeared into a cranny.
I didn't know you had any left, says Margaret.
I had three left, says Gaius. But now I have none.
I'll find them, says Baby Pierre.
Anything to get away from the humming, which has started up again.
Baby Pierre heads over to the cliff base and pokes about in the cranny.
What's that humming? says Gaius.
Lavender, says Margaret.
A lucky name, says Professor Xu Xing.
Thank you, says Lavender. I knew you would say something nice.
May I ask how you knew it? asks Professor Xu Xing.
I know the future, says Lavender.
We must speak further, says Professor Xu Xing.
You don't mean to say you believe her? says Margaret.
It's wise to keep one's mind open, says Professor Xu Xing. That is how I have always advanced in my profession.
See! says Lavender.
What were you humming? asks Gaius.
Nothing, says Lavender. Humming is humming.
More wisdom, says Professor Xu Xing. So tell me, little fossil, what is the future for Chinese science?
Gaius is impressed with the scope of the question. He sits down on a slippery wet rock.
Ummm, says Lavender. CHINESE science? Let me see. Mm. It will be like, um, something will be discovered.
What will it be? asks Professor Xu Xing.
Something with scratches all over it, says Lavender, looking at Gaius's leg.
Will it be found in the Chinese Jurassic fossil beds? asks Professor Xu Xing.
No, says Lavender.
She senses that Professor Xu Xing is losing interest.
She remembers her trip to Beijing. Her interviews with various Chinese doctors and professors of paleontology.
Sadistics, says Lavender.
Remarkable, says Professor Xu Xing. Cladistics. That is also my hope for the future.
(Sometimes you hear what you want to hear).
Lavender is pleased with herself for remembering sadistics.
It proves that she does know the future.
Ha ha to Baby Pierre. He is reduced to looking for lost mandarins in rock crannies.
He won't find even one.
Found one! cries Baby Pierre, brandishing a dented mandarin.
Excellent! says Gaius reaching forward to take it.
Woosh! He slips off the wet rock and onto an underwater rock shelf.
He pulls himself out. Dripping.
It's obviously not my day, says Gaius.
I blame myself, says Professor Xu Xing. No doubt Lavender could have predicted the accident, had I not diverted her attention.
Never mind, says Margaret. Let's all share the orange.
Orange! says Gaius. It's not an orange! It's a mandarin.
Margaret breaks it up into sections, thinking: It looks like an orange.
Of course it is possible that it really is an orange.
No one saw where Baby Pierre was when he found it.
This could turn out to be worth delving into, but....
Just then there is a shout from the cliff top.
The local Rock Fall Emergency Squad has arrived!
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Honey Trap
Professor Xu Xing and Margaret are standing on uneven rocks looking up.
Gaius has scrambled up the rock face to get a better look at the layer above the Chinaman Gully Formation.
Eureka! he calls down to Margaret and Professor Xu Xing. I see bryozoans and echinoids!
Come down, Gaius, says Margaret. It's dangerous.
Sure enough scatterings of loose pebbles start trickling down.
Margaret and Professor Xu Xing retreat to the sea shore, and gaze seawards.
Leave him to it, says Margaret. It's his own fault if anything happens.
How pleasant it is here, says Professor Xu Xing. The rich colourful rock formations, the sparkling amber, sapphire and emerald strips of the ocean, the white seabirds, the lapping of wavelets.....
Margaret is about to agree when a high pitched humming wrecks the ambience.
What on earth can it be?
They turn, to see Baby Pierre trundling his tiny bicycle towards them. The high pitched humming gets louder.
Shut UP! Shut UP! says Baby Pierre. I can't even tell what you're saying!
Meee-meee-meee-meee, hums the hummer.
Of course it is Lavender, who, refusing to speak to Baby Pierre, has chosen the option of humming.
Baby Pierre! What's that noise? says Margaret. Is it a sand fly?
Meee-meee! hums Lavender.
Stop that ridiculous humming, says Margaret.
Neee! hums Lavender.
What's going on? says Professor Xu Xing. He peers into Baby Pierre's back pack and spots the open pencil case.
Aha, says Professor Xu Xing. Good work, Baby Pierre. You have found a fossil. It looks like a turreted snail. An auger. And remarkably, it's still humming.
It's my stupid cousin, says Baby Pierre. Has anyone got a pencil sharpener?
Neee! A pencil sharpener! Lavender stops humming.
all that can be heard
is the sound of the wavelets
the cries of the seabirds
the rumbling of an incipient rock fall
and a shout
jumping jupiter!
..........
On the High Street in Willunga, Vello and David are trying their luck with the Beverleys.
They have already slowed down.
Do we know you? asks one of the Beverleys.
Yes we do, Beverley, says the other Beverley. Tour Down Under, remember?
Oh yes, says Beverley. The team of philosophers. Oldies.
I say! says David. Not so much of the oldies.
Oh well, says Beverley. None of us are spring chickens.
Are you ladies going to the Star of Greece dinner next Friday? asks Vello. We couldn't help overhearing.
Yes, says Beverley. Got to stick up for our region. Our wines versus the Barossa.
It's not a competition, Beverley, says Beverley.
It bloody is, says Beverley. Are you boys coming?
Is that an invitation? asks Vello.
No, says Beverley. A question.
Tickets are one hundred and fifty dollars, says Beverley.
Each, says Beverley.
The Beverleys wait for an answer.
Certainly we are coming, says Vello.
Then you should buy your tickets, says Beverley. They're selling quickly.
Yes, yes, says Vello. I'm sure there's no need to.....
Come, says Beverley. I'll take you to our friend Bev's house. She'll have some tickets.
Caught. Like two flies in a honey trap.
Gaius has scrambled up the rock face to get a better look at the layer above the Chinaman Gully Formation.
Eureka! he calls down to Margaret and Professor Xu Xing. I see bryozoans and echinoids!
Come down, Gaius, says Margaret. It's dangerous.
Sure enough scatterings of loose pebbles start trickling down.
Margaret and Professor Xu Xing retreat to the sea shore, and gaze seawards.
Leave him to it, says Margaret. It's his own fault if anything happens.
How pleasant it is here, says Professor Xu Xing. The rich colourful rock formations, the sparkling amber, sapphire and emerald strips of the ocean, the white seabirds, the lapping of wavelets.....
Margaret is about to agree when a high pitched humming wrecks the ambience.
What on earth can it be?
They turn, to see Baby Pierre trundling his tiny bicycle towards them. The high pitched humming gets louder.
Shut UP! Shut UP! says Baby Pierre. I can't even tell what you're saying!
Meee-meee-meee-meee, hums the hummer.
Of course it is Lavender, who, refusing to speak to Baby Pierre, has chosen the option of humming.
Baby Pierre! What's that noise? says Margaret. Is it a sand fly?
Meee-meee! hums Lavender.
Stop that ridiculous humming, says Margaret.
Neee! hums Lavender.
What's going on? says Professor Xu Xing. He peers into Baby Pierre's back pack and spots the open pencil case.
Aha, says Professor Xu Xing. Good work, Baby Pierre. You have found a fossil. It looks like a turreted snail. An auger. And remarkably, it's still humming.
It's my stupid cousin, says Baby Pierre. Has anyone got a pencil sharpener?
Neee! A pencil sharpener! Lavender stops humming.
all that can be heard
is the sound of the wavelets
the cries of the seabirds
the rumbling of an incipient rock fall
and a shout
jumping jupiter!
..........
On the High Street in Willunga, Vello and David are trying their luck with the Beverleys.
They have already slowed down.
Do we know you? asks one of the Beverleys.
Yes we do, Beverley, says the other Beverley. Tour Down Under, remember?
Oh yes, says Beverley. The team of philosophers. Oldies.
I say! says David. Not so much of the oldies.
Oh well, says Beverley. None of us are spring chickens.
Are you ladies going to the Star of Greece dinner next Friday? asks Vello. We couldn't help overhearing.
Yes, says Beverley. Got to stick up for our region. Our wines versus the Barossa.
It's not a competition, Beverley, says Beverley.
It bloody is, says Beverley. Are you boys coming?
Is that an invitation? asks Vello.
No, says Beverley. A question.
Tickets are one hundred and fifty dollars, says Beverley.
Each, says Beverley.
The Beverleys wait for an answer.
Certainly we are coming, says Vello.
Then you should buy your tickets, says Beverley. They're selling quickly.
Yes, yes, says Vello. I'm sure there's no need to.....
Come, says Beverley. I'll take you to our friend Bev's house. She'll have some tickets.
Caught. Like two flies in a honey trap.
Friday, May 22, 2015
Salty Froth On a Spoon
Margaret, Gaius and Professor Xu Xing have moved on to Chinaman Gully.
Baby Pierre has remained at Blanche Point, sketching sponge spicules.
He sketches tornotes with spear shaped ends, tylotes with knobs on both ends, acanthostyles which are spiny.
He records the fine details of the tiny natural structures until his pencil is blunted.
He stops drawing. Time to catch up with the others.
It's hard work, wheeling his bike over heaps of rock fall. He trips, hits his head on a hard lump of collapsed Gull Rock Member. Ouch.
Baby Pierre glowers at the Gull Rock. The Gull Rock remains indifferent.
But now Baby Pierre makes an interesting discovery. Embedded in the lump of Gull Rock is a fossil. A turreted snail. Ha ha. The others have missed it.
Baby Pierre examines the turreted snail with the eye of an artist.
Does it look like someone he knows?
Let us remind ourselves, in case we've forgotten, of the turreted snail's characteristics
The turreted snail is a member of the terebridae. It prefers warmer waters. It has a venomous barb which is used to stun marine worms. Of course, this is a dead one, and will not be a danger to anyone. The most interesting thing about the turreted snail is its shape. The shape of an auger.
Which means that it looks like Lavender.
Baby Pierre ejaculates: Lavender! He can't help it. He is surprised.
But he is about to be surprised even further.
From his pencil case comes a faint squeal. He looks into it.
It's Lavender, his cousin. She must have stowed away with the pencil.
Lavender says nothing, because she has vowed never to speak to him after Brianna.
........
David and Vello have finished eating their lemon curd crepes at Three Monkeys.
They take a last look round the paradisical courtyard.
No trace of anything remotely resembling virgins, among the mint, chillies and passion vines......
They get up to pay.
Near the counter two women are looking at a poster advertising the Barossa Meets McLaren Vale Wine Dinner.
The two women are locals, and both are called Beverley.
Next Friday, at the Star of Greece Cafe, Beverley, says Beverley. Four courses, plus bread and amuse bouche. Ten different wines.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Beverley? says Beverley.
That depends what you're thinking, says Beverley.
It's a long time since I've had an amuse bouche, says Beverley.
He-he, laughs Beverley. Last one I had was just salty froth on a spoon.
The two women go out of the Three Monkeys laughing.
Vello raises an eyebrow at David.
They pay quickly, grab their bicycles and freewheel down the street, slowing as they pass the Beverleys.
Baby Pierre has remained at Blanche Point, sketching sponge spicules.
He sketches tornotes with spear shaped ends, tylotes with knobs on both ends, acanthostyles which are spiny.
He records the fine details of the tiny natural structures until his pencil is blunted.
He stops drawing. Time to catch up with the others.
It's hard work, wheeling his bike over heaps of rock fall. He trips, hits his head on a hard lump of collapsed Gull Rock Member. Ouch.
Baby Pierre glowers at the Gull Rock. The Gull Rock remains indifferent.
But now Baby Pierre makes an interesting discovery. Embedded in the lump of Gull Rock is a fossil. A turreted snail. Ha ha. The others have missed it.
Baby Pierre examines the turreted snail with the eye of an artist.
Does it look like someone he knows?
Let us remind ourselves, in case we've forgotten, of the turreted snail's characteristics
The turreted snail is a member of the terebridae. It prefers warmer waters. It has a venomous barb which is used to stun marine worms. Of course, this is a dead one, and will not be a danger to anyone. The most interesting thing about the turreted snail is its shape. The shape of an auger.
Which means that it looks like Lavender.
Baby Pierre ejaculates: Lavender! He can't help it. He is surprised.
But he is about to be surprised even further.
From his pencil case comes a faint squeal. He looks into it.
It's Lavender, his cousin. She must have stowed away with the pencil.
Lavender says nothing, because she has vowed never to speak to him after Brianna.
........
David and Vello have finished eating their lemon curd crepes at Three Monkeys.
They take a last look round the paradisical courtyard.
No trace of anything remotely resembling virgins, among the mint, chillies and passion vines......
They get up to pay.
Near the counter two women are looking at a poster advertising the Barossa Meets McLaren Vale Wine Dinner.
The two women are locals, and both are called Beverley.
Next Friday, at the Star of Greece Cafe, Beverley, says Beverley. Four courses, plus bread and amuse bouche. Ten different wines.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Beverley? says Beverley.
That depends what you're thinking, says Beverley.
It's a long time since I've had an amuse bouche, says Beverley.
He-he, laughs Beverley. Last one I had was just salty froth on a spoon.
The two women go out of the Three Monkeys laughing.
Vello raises an eyebrow at David.
They pay quickly, grab their bicycles and freewheel down the street, slowing as they pass the Beverleys.
Snails Virgins Tomatoes
Gaius, Professor Xu Xing, Baby Pierre and Margaret are at the Blanche Point Formation.
I shall point out the various layers, says Margaret, pointing to the layers.
The top layer is the Tuit Member, thin and snail rich.
The next layer, Perkana, is soft and sponge spicule rich.
Below that is the Gull Rock layer, hard, banded and also snail rich.
And down here, the Turketja layer, thin green and glauconitic.
Professor Xu Xing looks for a snail in one of the snail rich layers
Not so very snail rich, says Professor Xu Xing.
We may have better luck round the corner, at Chinaman Gully, says Margaret.
Chinaman Gully? says Professor Xu Xing. Can you tell me the history?
No, says Margaret. But I suppose a Chinaman once lived there.
Is that what they called us? says Professor Xu Xing. Chinamen?
A lot worse, says Margaret. Chinamen would have been the least offensive.
Australia-men, says Professor Xu Xing, trying out the equivalent. That sounds funny.
A sponge spicule! says Gaius, who has been carefully examining a layer.
Let's see! says Margaret. Well spotted! It's a simple monaxon.
Let me see too! says Baby Pierre. Oh woo! Look, there are millions! All different!
Baby Pierre has small eyes and can see very small things.
He loves the sponge spicules. Some have pointed ends, some have round ones, some have spines, some have knobs on.
He takes out his green pencil and starts sketching.
.........
While the geological party is poking around Maslin Bay and the various formations, finding sponge spicules (but as yet no snails), there are other things happening.
David and Vello have completed their Willy Hill ride.
They are now in Willunga, looking for a cafe in the High Street.
David: Let's try this one.
Vello: Three Monkeys Fine Foods. Okay.
They enter, sit down and look at the menu.
David: Lemon curd crepes!
Vello: Oh! oh! My favourites.
David: Shall we both have them?
Vello: Yes. And a cold drip coffee.
David: I'll have a flat white.
Vello: Shall we sit out in the courtyard, under the passionfruit vines, among the chilli and mint plants?
David: Yes. It looks just like paradise. Except for the virgins.
Vello: Even virgins, you never quite know.
David: You old devil.
......
And even more things are happening concurrently.
Arthur has finally got through to Pablo Neruda.
Pablo! How's it going? asks Arthur.
How's what going? says Pablo Neruda.
The Giro, says Arthur. I heard it was raining.
Yes, it was pissing down, says Pablo. I'm doing all right though. Pretty average. At least I haven't dislocated a shoulder or had a flat tyre, or lost points because someone helped me.
That's good, says Arthur. How's Richie?
Not too happy, says Pablo, he lost some more time.
You should cheer him up, says Arthur.
I did, says Pablo. I read him my poem Ode to Tomatoes. He liked it. He's going to try writing an Ode to Tomatoes when the Giro is over.
He's good at writing, says Arthur.
That's what he said, says Pablo. Well, I'd better get going. It's bed time.
Okay, says Arthur. Sleep well.
Click.
Did you ask him? asks Sweezus.
Sorry, forgot, says Arthur. I'll ask him next time.
Air head, says Sweezus.
I shall point out the various layers, says Margaret, pointing to the layers.
The top layer is the Tuit Member, thin and snail rich.
The next layer, Perkana, is soft and sponge spicule rich.
Below that is the Gull Rock layer, hard, banded and also snail rich.
And down here, the Turketja layer, thin green and glauconitic.
Professor Xu Xing looks for a snail in one of the snail rich layers
Not so very snail rich, says Professor Xu Xing.
We may have better luck round the corner, at Chinaman Gully, says Margaret.
Chinaman Gully? says Professor Xu Xing. Can you tell me the history?
No, says Margaret. But I suppose a Chinaman once lived there.
Is that what they called us? says Professor Xu Xing. Chinamen?
A lot worse, says Margaret. Chinamen would have been the least offensive.
Australia-men, says Professor Xu Xing, trying out the equivalent. That sounds funny.
A sponge spicule! says Gaius, who has been carefully examining a layer.
Let's see! says Margaret. Well spotted! It's a simple monaxon.
Let me see too! says Baby Pierre. Oh woo! Look, there are millions! All different!
Baby Pierre has small eyes and can see very small things.
He loves the sponge spicules. Some have pointed ends, some have round ones, some have spines, some have knobs on.
He takes out his green pencil and starts sketching.
.........
While the geological party is poking around Maslin Bay and the various formations, finding sponge spicules (but as yet no snails), there are other things happening.
David and Vello have completed their Willy Hill ride.
They are now in Willunga, looking for a cafe in the High Street.
David: Let's try this one.
Vello: Three Monkeys Fine Foods. Okay.
They enter, sit down and look at the menu.
David: Lemon curd crepes!
Vello: Oh! oh! My favourites.
David: Shall we both have them?
Vello: Yes. And a cold drip coffee.
David: I'll have a flat white.
Vello: Shall we sit out in the courtyard, under the passionfruit vines, among the chilli and mint plants?
David: Yes. It looks just like paradise. Except for the virgins.
Vello: Even virgins, you never quite know.
David: You old devil.
......
And even more things are happening concurrently.
Arthur has finally got through to Pablo Neruda.
Pablo! How's it going? asks Arthur.
How's what going? says Pablo Neruda.
The Giro, says Arthur. I heard it was raining.
Yes, it was pissing down, says Pablo. I'm doing all right though. Pretty average. At least I haven't dislocated a shoulder or had a flat tyre, or lost points because someone helped me.
That's good, says Arthur. How's Richie?
Not too happy, says Pablo, he lost some more time.
You should cheer him up, says Arthur.
I did, says Pablo. I read him my poem Ode to Tomatoes. He liked it. He's going to try writing an Ode to Tomatoes when the Giro is over.
He's good at writing, says Arthur.
That's what he said, says Pablo. Well, I'd better get going. It's bed time.
Okay, says Arthur. Sleep well.
Click.
Did you ask him? asks Sweezus.
Sorry, forgot, says Arthur. I'll ask him next time.
Air head, says Sweezus.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
The Joys Of Pointless Behaviour
The riders are strung out on the road.
Baby Pierre is in front, carefree, whizzing along on his green fluoroelastane O-rings.
Gaius is next, on Schopenhauer's custom made bicycle.
He is testing the theory that whoever rides Schopenhauer's bicycle may at some point spout one of Schopenhauer's philosophical pronouncements.
So far, nothing has come into his head. At least not of that nature.
Perhaps that is because he is already thinking of fossils in rich sedimentary layers.
Lastly, pedalling quite slowly, comes Professor Xu Xing, dinkying Margaret on the back of Gaius's bicycle.
A hill looms ahead of them.
Shall I get off? asks Margaret.
Please, says Professor Xu Xing.
Margaret gets off. Professor Xu Xing also gets off, and starts wheeling the bike up the hill.
Look at Gaius, says Margaret. I bet he hasn't even noticed he's going uphill.
Why do you say that? asks Professor Xu Xing.
He'll be miles away, says Margaret. Inside his own head. Following some thread or other.
Is he a genius? asks Professor Xu Xing.
I don't think so, says Margaret. Just reasonably talented at wool-gathering. Why do you ask?
I don't know, says Professor Xu Xing, scratching his head. I feel like coming out with a statement ......but......it's not coming.
It will be one of Schopenhauer's aphorisms, says Margaret. And it's not coming because you're on Gaius's bicycle.
Ah, says Professor Xu Xing. You are perspicacious, Margaret, but wrong, for now I feel it is coming.
They stop on the road, and Professor Xu Xing says :
Talent hits a target no one else can hit; genius hits a target no one else can see.
That's Gaius, says Margaret.
They continue walking up hill.
Gaius has caught up with Baby Pierre who has stopped at the summit to gaze down at the Blanche Point Formation.
Gaius finds himself saying:
Once you are over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Neither Gaius nor Baby Pierre know this statement is Schopenhauer's.
Goody, says Baby Pierre. I'll go even faster.
And so it happens sometimes that significant things go right past us.
Margaret and Professor Xu Xing are still out of earshot.
Therefore, as promised, Gaius explains to Baby Pierre what was in it for the male redback spider.
The sacrifice confers certain advantages to the species, says Gaius. The longer period of copulation results in more cases of fertilisation. Furthermore, females who have mated and eaten their partners are more likely to reject subsequent males.
Baby Pierre does not like to say that the whole system seems rather pointless.
Baby Pierre is in front, carefree, whizzing along on his green fluoroelastane O-rings.
Gaius is next, on Schopenhauer's custom made bicycle.
He is testing the theory that whoever rides Schopenhauer's bicycle may at some point spout one of Schopenhauer's philosophical pronouncements.
So far, nothing has come into his head. At least not of that nature.
Perhaps that is because he is already thinking of fossils in rich sedimentary layers.
Lastly, pedalling quite slowly, comes Professor Xu Xing, dinkying Margaret on the back of Gaius's bicycle.
A hill looms ahead of them.
Shall I get off? asks Margaret.
Please, says Professor Xu Xing.
Margaret gets off. Professor Xu Xing also gets off, and starts wheeling the bike up the hill.
Look at Gaius, says Margaret. I bet he hasn't even noticed he's going uphill.
Why do you say that? asks Professor Xu Xing.
He'll be miles away, says Margaret. Inside his own head. Following some thread or other.
Is he a genius? asks Professor Xu Xing.
I don't think so, says Margaret. Just reasonably talented at wool-gathering. Why do you ask?
I don't know, says Professor Xu Xing, scratching his head. I feel like coming out with a statement ......but......it's not coming.
It will be one of Schopenhauer's aphorisms, says Margaret. And it's not coming because you're on Gaius's bicycle.
Ah, says Professor Xu Xing. You are perspicacious, Margaret, but wrong, for now I feel it is coming.
They stop on the road, and Professor Xu Xing says :
Talent hits a target no one else can hit; genius hits a target no one else can see.
That's Gaius, says Margaret.
They continue walking up hill.
Gaius has caught up with Baby Pierre who has stopped at the summit to gaze down at the Blanche Point Formation.
Gaius finds himself saying:
Once you are over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Neither Gaius nor Baby Pierre know this statement is Schopenhauer's.
Goody, says Baby Pierre. I'll go even faster.
And so it happens sometimes that significant things go right past us.
Margaret and Professor Xu Xing are still out of earshot.
Therefore, as promised, Gaius explains to Baby Pierre what was in it for the male redback spider.
The sacrifice confers certain advantages to the species, says Gaius. The longer period of copulation results in more cases of fertilisation. Furthermore, females who have mated and eaten their partners are more likely to reject subsequent males.
Baby Pierre does not like to say that the whole system seems rather pointless.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Sexual Cannibalism
The redback spider looks over the shoulder of Baby Pierre.
Or under his elbow. It's difficult to tell.
She is impressed with his artistic ability. Yes, the scribbles on the sea. He has nailed them exactly.
She sniffs him.
Mm, a male. Pity she's already eaten.
Baby Pierre feels something prickling. He turns around. Ach!
Cool it, says the spider. I've just eaten. You're safe for the moment.
I'm safe for ever, says Baby Pierre.
And arrogant, says the redback spider. But that is because you're an artist. Will you sketch me?
No, says Baby Pierre. My pencil is green.
You can label my red parts, says the spider. She lies down on her back in the grass and starts waving her legs.
It's disgusting.
It's about to get worse.
Burp! goes the spider. Ooh pardon! That tasted of Eric.
Who's Eric? asks Baby Pierre.
The little fool who just somersaulted onto my mouth parts, says the spider. He landed with his abdomen, and I swallowed the sperm from his palps. A long drawn out encounter, quite stimulating for me, and while he was doing the business I slowly consumed him.....How's the sketch coming along?
It's been coming along quite well considering that Baby Pierre only has a green pencil.
If you don't mind me asking, says Baby Pierre, what's in it for Eric?
Perhaps he would have got a straight answer, perhaps he would not, but he gets no answer.
Squelch! Margaret has stepped on the spider.
Nasty thing, says Margaret. Venomous. To think it was so close to my bottom all that time we were riding. Oh Baby Pierre, I'm so sorry! Were you drawing the spider?
Yes, says Baby Pierre.
Never mind, says Margaret It looks like you'd pretty well finished.
What's happening? says Gaius.
I was asking the spider a question, says Baby Pierre.
Gaius will know the answer, says Margaret. Ask him.
The spider's just eaten her boyfriend, says Baby Pierre. Right while they were doing it. The question is, what's in it for him?
Ah, says Professor Xu Xing, who has been listening. Good question.
Yes, says Gaius. It is a good question, but the answer is unsuitable for ladies. I shall answer it later. Right now we must be going.
Leaving the redback spider smeared on the grass, they pick up their bicycles and head off in the direction of the Blanche Point Formation.
Poor spider, says Baby Pierre, as they are leaving. Her life is over.
It's not so bad, says Professor Xu Xing. After your death you will be what you were before your birth.
You mean, nothing? says Margaret.
I don't know what made me say that, when I specialise in fossils, says Professor Xu Xing.
It's Schopenhauer's bike, says Gaius. It seems to be haunted.
Shall we swap bikes? asks Professor Xu Xing. Test your theory?
All right, says Gaius, as long as you keep dinkying Margaret.
Margaret can't help thinking that dinkying sounds distinctly sexual.
Which isn't entirely a bad thing.
Or under his elbow. It's difficult to tell.
She is impressed with his artistic ability. Yes, the scribbles on the sea. He has nailed them exactly.
She sniffs him.
Mm, a male. Pity she's already eaten.
Baby Pierre feels something prickling. He turns around. Ach!
Cool it, says the spider. I've just eaten. You're safe for the moment.
I'm safe for ever, says Baby Pierre.
And arrogant, says the redback spider. But that is because you're an artist. Will you sketch me?
No, says Baby Pierre. My pencil is green.
You can label my red parts, says the spider. She lies down on her back in the grass and starts waving her legs.
It's disgusting.
It's about to get worse.
Burp! goes the spider. Ooh pardon! That tasted of Eric.
Who's Eric? asks Baby Pierre.
The little fool who just somersaulted onto my mouth parts, says the spider. He landed with his abdomen, and I swallowed the sperm from his palps. A long drawn out encounter, quite stimulating for me, and while he was doing the business I slowly consumed him.....How's the sketch coming along?
It's been coming along quite well considering that Baby Pierre only has a green pencil.
If you don't mind me asking, says Baby Pierre, what's in it for Eric?
Perhaps he would have got a straight answer, perhaps he would not, but he gets no answer.
Squelch! Margaret has stepped on the spider.
Nasty thing, says Margaret. Venomous. To think it was so close to my bottom all that time we were riding. Oh Baby Pierre, I'm so sorry! Were you drawing the spider?
Yes, says Baby Pierre.
Never mind, says Margaret It looks like you'd pretty well finished.
What's happening? says Gaius.
I was asking the spider a question, says Baby Pierre.
Gaius will know the answer, says Margaret. Ask him.
The spider's just eaten her boyfriend, says Baby Pierre. Right while they were doing it. The question is, what's in it for him?
Ah, says Professor Xu Xing, who has been listening. Good question.
Yes, says Gaius. It is a good question, but the answer is unsuitable for ladies. I shall answer it later. Right now we must be going.
Leaving the redback spider smeared on the grass, they pick up their bicycles and head off in the direction of the Blanche Point Formation.
Poor spider, says Baby Pierre, as they are leaving. Her life is over.
It's not so bad, says Professor Xu Xing. After your death you will be what you were before your birth.
You mean, nothing? says Margaret.
I don't know what made me say that, when I specialise in fossils, says Professor Xu Xing.
It's Schopenhauer's bike, says Gaius. It seems to be haunted.
Shall we swap bikes? asks Professor Xu Xing. Test your theory?
All right, says Gaius, as long as you keep dinkying Margaret.
Margaret can't help thinking that dinkying sounds distinctly sexual.
Which isn't entirely a bad thing.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
The Doggy Equivalent
At Hallett Cove they stop for a break.
Margaret hops off first, rubbing her bottom.
Professor Xu Xing leans the bicycle against a tree.
Gaius drops his bike on the grass and opens his back pack.
Baby Pierre does a wheelie and skids to a halt beside Margaret.
Woop! says Baby Pierre. Did it bite you?
I'm just saddle sore, says Margaret. Did what bite me?
The big fat redback spider, says Baby Pierre. I could see it right under your bum. Looking upwards.
Margaret looks under the saddle of Schopenhauer's bicycle.
But the spider has gone.
Gaius hands out mandarins to everyone.
Baby Pierre doesn't want his.
He gazes out to sea, beyond the rocky coastline. The sea is covered in scribbles of light. He takes out his pencil, and begins sketching, while half listening to Margaret and Professor Xu Xing.
So, says Margaret, tell me about your feathered dinosaur.
We call it Yi Qi, says Xu Xing. It was found in the Jurassic fossil beds in China. It has feathers and an unusually long wrist bone.
Margaret has an unusually long wrist bone, observes Gaius.
Shut up, Gaius, says Margaret. That's not even funny.
Let me see, says Professor Xu Xing.
He catches hold of Margaret's wrist and observes it with interest.
Do you think I might turn into a bird? asks Margaret. What kind of bird would I be?
A duck, says Professor Xu Xing.
Ha ha, laughs Gaius.
I mean it as a compliment, says Professor Xu Xing.
Thank you, Professor, says Margaret. Perhaps you meant to say something different.
Perhaps, says Professor Xu Xing.
There is a strong scent of mandarin skins, and the sounds of the scraping of pencil.
I did a quiz yesterday, says Professor Xu Xing. On Facebook. What Kind Of Dog Would You Be?
Really, says Gaius. On Facebook? You don't find it beneath you?
Of course not, says Professor Xu Xing. It is with trifles that a man best reveals his character.
( My goodness. Another quote from Schopenhauer! )
And what sort of dog were you? asks Margaret, hoping it might be the doggy equivalent of a duck.
A Saint Bernard, says Professor Xu Xing. But I wasn't entirely convinced. The first question was impossible to answer.
What was the question? asks Gaius.
Which of these houses would you prefer to live in? says Professor Xu Xing. There were three pictures. A small wooden hut on wheels; a snow covered cottage in a forest at dusk with its lights on; and a grandiose modern house with a swimming pool.
What did you choose? asks Margaret.
I didn't like any of them, says Professor Xu Xing, but I chose the snow covered cottage.
That's why you came out a Saint Bernard, says Gaius.
That's what I deduced, says Professor Xu Xing.
Everyone laughs except Baby Pierre who is sketching the scribbles on the ocean.
And the large redback spider who has crept up behind him.
Margaret hops off first, rubbing her bottom.
Professor Xu Xing leans the bicycle against a tree.
Gaius drops his bike on the grass and opens his back pack.
Baby Pierre does a wheelie and skids to a halt beside Margaret.
Woop! says Baby Pierre. Did it bite you?
I'm just saddle sore, says Margaret. Did what bite me?
The big fat redback spider, says Baby Pierre. I could see it right under your bum. Looking upwards.
Margaret looks under the saddle of Schopenhauer's bicycle.
But the spider has gone.
Gaius hands out mandarins to everyone.
Baby Pierre doesn't want his.
He gazes out to sea, beyond the rocky coastline. The sea is covered in scribbles of light. He takes out his pencil, and begins sketching, while half listening to Margaret and Professor Xu Xing.
So, says Margaret, tell me about your feathered dinosaur.
We call it Yi Qi, says Xu Xing. It was found in the Jurassic fossil beds in China. It has feathers and an unusually long wrist bone.
Margaret has an unusually long wrist bone, observes Gaius.
Shut up, Gaius, says Margaret. That's not even funny.
Let me see, says Professor Xu Xing.
He catches hold of Margaret's wrist and observes it with interest.
Do you think I might turn into a bird? asks Margaret. What kind of bird would I be?
A duck, says Professor Xu Xing.
Ha ha, laughs Gaius.
I mean it as a compliment, says Professor Xu Xing.
Thank you, Professor, says Margaret. Perhaps you meant to say something different.
Perhaps, says Professor Xu Xing.
There is a strong scent of mandarin skins, and the sounds of the scraping of pencil.
I did a quiz yesterday, says Professor Xu Xing. On Facebook. What Kind Of Dog Would You Be?
Really, says Gaius. On Facebook? You don't find it beneath you?
Of course not, says Professor Xu Xing. It is with trifles that a man best reveals his character.
( My goodness. Another quote from Schopenhauer! )
And what sort of dog were you? asks Margaret, hoping it might be the doggy equivalent of a duck.
A Saint Bernard, says Professor Xu Xing. But I wasn't entirely convinced. The first question was impossible to answer.
What was the question? asks Gaius.
Which of these houses would you prefer to live in? says Professor Xu Xing. There were three pictures. A small wooden hut on wheels; a snow covered cottage in a forest at dusk with its lights on; and a grandiose modern house with a swimming pool.
What did you choose? asks Margaret.
I didn't like any of them, says Professor Xu Xing, but I chose the snow covered cottage.
That's why you came out a Saint Bernard, says Gaius.
That's what I deduced, says Professor Xu Xing.
Everyone laughs except Baby Pierre who is sketching the scribbles on the ocean.
And the large redback spider who has crept up behind him.
Monday, May 18, 2015
The Black Widow And The Philosopher
Gaius and Professor Xu Xing are in Gaius's shed.
This is Schopenhauer's bicycle, says Gaius, wheeling it out.
Viewed in the sunlight, Schopenhauer's bicycle supports Schopenhauer's view that existence was not meant to be happy.
The Ass Savers, the Knog lights and the San Marco saddle are dusty. The Schwelbe tyres need pumping. The wicker basket is covered in webs.
Easily fixed, says Gaius, grabbing a rag from the corner.
Let me, says Professor Xu Xing.
He takes the rag from Gaius, and starts flicking the dust off the saddle.
Hello! A female redback spider looks out.
.......
Schopenhauer's bicycle is oiled, pumped and ready. Professor Xu Xing has done a fine job.
Gaius is good to go. Backpack full of notebooks, mandarin oranges, and bottled tap water.
Baby Pierre has checked his O-rings. Packed his green pencil.
They are ready to roll.
But oh no!
Just as they are mounting their bicycles, Margaret appears, having heard from Katherine (who heard it from David) that Gaius is home.
Hello Gaius. Going out again so early? says Margaret.
Hello Margaret, says Gaius. Yes, Professor Xu Xing and I are just leaving.
Where for? asks Margaret.
No reason, says Gaius.
I meant for what destination? says Margaret. And who is the professor?
I do speak English, says Professor Xu Xing.
Excellent, says Margaret. I do speak a mattering of Chinese.
But it won't be necessary, says Gaius. Margaret, we must be going.
Are you from Beijing? asks Margaret, ignoring Gaius.
Yes, says Professor Xu Xing. I'm a paleontologist. My latest discovery was a dinosaur with feathers.
And where is Gaius taking you? asks Margaret.
Never mind, says Gaius.
To look for really, really old fossils, says Baby Pierre. I'm the recorder. We're going to Maslin Bay.
Then I shall come with you, says Margaret. It's my area. I'm a geologist. I'll take you through the Blanche Point Formation and show you the various Members of the middle and late Eocene period.
How wonderful, says Professor Xu Xing. Your presence will enhance our small party. Do you have your own bicycle?
Yes, says Margaret, but not here. Will you wait half an hour?
We can't, says Gaius. It's a long way and it gets dark early.
I'll catch up, says Margaret.
No need, dear lady, says Professor Xu Xing, who has failed to pick up on the undertone. Let me give you a ....a.....
A dinky? Oh, hee-hee, giggles Margaret. I couldn't.
No, she certainly couldn't, says Gaius,
Maybe I could, says Margaret. Why not? If there's a will, there's no need for a reason.
Why is Margaret quoting Schopenhauer (if somewhat loosely)?
Do his philosophies inhabit the air round his bicycle?
Margaret lifts her leg over the back wheel and sits down heavily on the Ass Saver.
Ow! That won't do. She hoists herself onto the saddle.
Professor Xu Xing must now stand-up pedal all the way to the Blanche Point Formation.
And Margaret is sitting dangerously close to the spider.
This is Schopenhauer's bicycle, says Gaius, wheeling it out.
Viewed in the sunlight, Schopenhauer's bicycle supports Schopenhauer's view that existence was not meant to be happy.
The Ass Savers, the Knog lights and the San Marco saddle are dusty. The Schwelbe tyres need pumping. The wicker basket is covered in webs.
Easily fixed, says Gaius, grabbing a rag from the corner.
Let me, says Professor Xu Xing.
He takes the rag from Gaius, and starts flicking the dust off the saddle.
Hello! A female redback spider looks out.
.......
Schopenhauer's bicycle is oiled, pumped and ready. Professor Xu Xing has done a fine job.
Gaius is good to go. Backpack full of notebooks, mandarin oranges, and bottled tap water.
Baby Pierre has checked his O-rings. Packed his green pencil.
They are ready to roll.
But oh no!
Just as they are mounting their bicycles, Margaret appears, having heard from Katherine (who heard it from David) that Gaius is home.
Hello Gaius. Going out again so early? says Margaret.
Hello Margaret, says Gaius. Yes, Professor Xu Xing and I are just leaving.
Where for? asks Margaret.
No reason, says Gaius.
I meant for what destination? says Margaret. And who is the professor?
I do speak English, says Professor Xu Xing.
Excellent, says Margaret. I do speak a mattering of Chinese.
But it won't be necessary, says Gaius. Margaret, we must be going.
Are you from Beijing? asks Margaret, ignoring Gaius.
Yes, says Professor Xu Xing. I'm a paleontologist. My latest discovery was a dinosaur with feathers.
And where is Gaius taking you? asks Margaret.
Never mind, says Gaius.
To look for really, really old fossils, says Baby Pierre. I'm the recorder. We're going to Maslin Bay.
Then I shall come with you, says Margaret. It's my area. I'm a geologist. I'll take you through the Blanche Point Formation and show you the various Members of the middle and late Eocene period.
How wonderful, says Professor Xu Xing. Your presence will enhance our small party. Do you have your own bicycle?
Yes, says Margaret, but not here. Will you wait half an hour?
We can't, says Gaius. It's a long way and it gets dark early.
I'll catch up, says Margaret.
No need, dear lady, says Professor Xu Xing, who has failed to pick up on the undertone. Let me give you a ....a.....
A dinky? Oh, hee-hee, giggles Margaret. I couldn't.
No, she certainly couldn't, says Gaius,
Maybe I could, says Margaret. Why not? If there's a will, there's no need for a reason.
Why is Margaret quoting Schopenhauer (if somewhat loosely)?
Do his philosophies inhabit the air round his bicycle?
Margaret lifts her leg over the back wheel and sits down heavily on the Ass Saver.
Ow! That won't do. She hoists herself onto the saddle.
Professor Xu Xing must now stand-up pedal all the way to the Blanche Point Formation.
And Margaret is sitting dangerously close to the spider.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
The Secret Life Of Bicycles
Belle has gone home, taking Terence.
Marx has returned to his hotel.
Sweezus and Arthur are in Sweezus's kitchen.
I wonder how Belle got in? says Sweezus.
Back door unlocked? suggests Arthur.
She'd have told me, says Sweezus. But woah! Better check on the bikes.
He goes into the laundry.
Phew! the bikes are still there.
We need to start planning our strategy, says Sweezus. First, who'll be in our team.
I'll call Pablo, says Arthur.
He tries, but can't contact Pablo, who is is hot on the heels of Benat Intxhausti near the summit of Campitello Matese, and can't answer his phone.
.........
Gaius and Professor Xu Xing have finished their dinner of boiled rice, and are drinking green tea, which is not the green tea Xu Xing had expected.
What is this? asks Professor Xu Xing.
Parsley, says Gaius. What do you think of it?
It has healthful properties, says Professor Xu Xing.
Indeed, says Gaius. And to think the Greeks use it for decorating the tombs of the deceased.
It is good to be pious, says Professor Xu Xing.
It is foolish, says Gaius. Are you pious?
Not at all, says Professor Xu Xing.
The conversation turns to more agreeable subjects.
How would you like to go cycling tomorrow? asks Gaius.
I would enjoy it, says Professor Xu Xing. Perhaps we could look at some of your local scenery.
Yes, yes, says Gaius, and kill two birds with one stone. I need to get fit for the Tour. Vello and David are already practising.
Do you have a spare bicycle? asks Professor Xu Xing. Or should I hire one?
I have Schopenhauer's old bike in the shed, says Gaius. It may be covered in spiders.
That will suit me, says Professor Xu Xing. And will Baby Pierre come?
It hadn't occurred to me, says Gaius, but yes, I shall ask him.
Gaius goes across to the window sill where Baby Pierre is in need of a rescue.
This is because he has let slip to Lavender how he fell in love with Brianna. Then made things worse by describing her beautiful drill hole.
Baby Pierre, says Gaius, how would you like to join me and Professor Xu Xing on a bike ride at first light tomorrow?
Yippee! says Baby Pierre. I'll just check my O-rings.
O-rings! says Lavender. More holes. It's an obsession!
Prrp! You can talk, Lavender, says Ouvert. You're an air hole.
Prrp yourself, Ouvert, says Lavender. You've got a face full of rude ones! But I won't be talking to Baby Pierre EVER again.
Baby Pierre goes off to check his O-rings, already glad to be leaving his dumb bumpkin cousins.
Marx has returned to his hotel.
Sweezus and Arthur are in Sweezus's kitchen.
I wonder how Belle got in? says Sweezus.
Back door unlocked? suggests Arthur.
She'd have told me, says Sweezus. But woah! Better check on the bikes.
He goes into the laundry.
Phew! the bikes are still there.
We need to start planning our strategy, says Sweezus. First, who'll be in our team.
I'll call Pablo, says Arthur.
He tries, but can't contact Pablo, who is is hot on the heels of Benat Intxhausti near the summit of Campitello Matese, and can't answer his phone.
.........
Gaius and Professor Xu Xing have finished their dinner of boiled rice, and are drinking green tea, which is not the green tea Xu Xing had expected.
What is this? asks Professor Xu Xing.
Parsley, says Gaius. What do you think of it?
It has healthful properties, says Professor Xu Xing.
Indeed, says Gaius. And to think the Greeks use it for decorating the tombs of the deceased.
It is good to be pious, says Professor Xu Xing.
It is foolish, says Gaius. Are you pious?
Not at all, says Professor Xu Xing.
The conversation turns to more agreeable subjects.
How would you like to go cycling tomorrow? asks Gaius.
I would enjoy it, says Professor Xu Xing. Perhaps we could look at some of your local scenery.
Yes, yes, says Gaius, and kill two birds with one stone. I need to get fit for the Tour. Vello and David are already practising.
Do you have a spare bicycle? asks Professor Xu Xing. Or should I hire one?
I have Schopenhauer's old bike in the shed, says Gaius. It may be covered in spiders.
That will suit me, says Professor Xu Xing. And will Baby Pierre come?
It hadn't occurred to me, says Gaius, but yes, I shall ask him.
Gaius goes across to the window sill where Baby Pierre is in need of a rescue.
This is because he has let slip to Lavender how he fell in love with Brianna. Then made things worse by describing her beautiful drill hole.
Baby Pierre, says Gaius, how would you like to join me and Professor Xu Xing on a bike ride at first light tomorrow?
Yippee! says Baby Pierre. I'll just check my O-rings.
O-rings! says Lavender. More holes. It's an obsession!
Prrp! You can talk, Lavender, says Ouvert. You're an air hole.
Prrp yourself, Ouvert, says Lavender. You've got a face full of rude ones! But I won't be talking to Baby Pierre EVER again.
Baby Pierre goes off to check his O-rings, already glad to be leaving his dumb bumpkin cousins.
Friday, May 15, 2015
The Smell Of A Drying Parrot
Sweezus, Arthur and Marx are going back to Sweezus's place in a taxi.
By the way, says Sweezus (as if he's just thought of the question), how's Terence?
Ah, says Marx, I fear I owe you an apology.
Sweezus braces himself for the worst.
When I left Melbourne, Terence was still listed as missing, says Marx. I felt bad about it, but your friend Belle said she'd stay and keep searching.
Oh, okay, says Sweezus. I feel bad too, about letting her do it.
She'll find him, says Arthur. I bet she's found him already.
Excuse me, says the taxi driver, turning round. Aren't you that Sweezus?
Yeah, says Sweezus. Why're you asking?
I follow the cycling, says the taxi driver. I recognise you. You rode in the Tour Down Under and the Tour de France.
Yeah, says Sweezus. So did Arthur.
I love watching the cycling, says the taxi driver. What do you reckon about Alberto Contador?
What about him? says Sweezus. We've been in Esperance. We're not up with the latest.
Dislocated his shoulder, but retained the pink jersey, says the taxi driver. That's determination for you. How come you're not in the Giro?
Marx isn't listening. He is about to break in and ask the taxi driver how much he gets paid.
Forgot all about the Giro, says Sweezus. Shit, how long till the Tour de France?
July fourth, says the taxi driver. Not too far off now. You going in that one?
Yeah, says Sweezus. Arthur. You in?
Yes, says Arthur. And we should ask Pablo.
Pablo Neruda? says the taxi driver. Respect, guys! Well, here we are. That'll be.......sixty four dollars.
Marx can't believe it. He gets out his wallet.
How much of that will you keep? he asks the taxi driver.
None of it, says the taxi driver gloomily. I'm paying off my house and my taxi.
Here, keep the change, says Marx, handing over sixty five dollars.
They get out of the taxi.
Sweezus opens his front door. They go into the kitchen.
Amazeballs! It's tidy.
Belle et Bonne is sitting in the kitchen, with Terence.
They are waiting for Terence's parrot to dry.
Belle! says Sweezus.
Grandpa! says Terence.
Terence! says Marx.
What's cooking? says Arthur.
Nothing, says Belle. Who do you think I am? Your mother?
What's the smell then? asks Arthur.
My parrot, says Terence. He's drying.
I could ask the same of you Arthur, says Belle. What's that smell? Is it.....custard?
Arthur pulls the blue cloth out of his shorts pocket dramatically.
A smell of old custard wafts through the room.
Several knitting needles tumble to the floor with a clatter. Followed by three off-white Russian feathers.
Arthur, you surprise me, says Marx.
Arthur shrugs. Why should Marx be surprised he owns property?
By the way, says Sweezus (as if he's just thought of the question), how's Terence?
Ah, says Marx, I fear I owe you an apology.
Sweezus braces himself for the worst.
When I left Melbourne, Terence was still listed as missing, says Marx. I felt bad about it, but your friend Belle said she'd stay and keep searching.
Oh, okay, says Sweezus. I feel bad too, about letting her do it.
She'll find him, says Arthur. I bet she's found him already.
Excuse me, says the taxi driver, turning round. Aren't you that Sweezus?
Yeah, says Sweezus. Why're you asking?
I follow the cycling, says the taxi driver. I recognise you. You rode in the Tour Down Under and the Tour de France.
Yeah, says Sweezus. So did Arthur.
I love watching the cycling, says the taxi driver. What do you reckon about Alberto Contador?
What about him? says Sweezus. We've been in Esperance. We're not up with the latest.
Dislocated his shoulder, but retained the pink jersey, says the taxi driver. That's determination for you. How come you're not in the Giro?
Marx isn't listening. He is about to break in and ask the taxi driver how much he gets paid.
Forgot all about the Giro, says Sweezus. Shit, how long till the Tour de France?
July fourth, says the taxi driver. Not too far off now. You going in that one?
Yeah, says Sweezus. Arthur. You in?
Yes, says Arthur. And we should ask Pablo.
Pablo Neruda? says the taxi driver. Respect, guys! Well, here we are. That'll be.......sixty four dollars.
Marx can't believe it. He gets out his wallet.
How much of that will you keep? he asks the taxi driver.
None of it, says the taxi driver gloomily. I'm paying off my house and my taxi.
Here, keep the change, says Marx, handing over sixty five dollars.
They get out of the taxi.
Sweezus opens his front door. They go into the kitchen.
Amazeballs! It's tidy.
Belle et Bonne is sitting in the kitchen, with Terence.
They are waiting for Terence's parrot to dry.
Belle! says Sweezus.
Grandpa! says Terence.
Terence! says Marx.
What's cooking? says Arthur.
Nothing, says Belle. Who do you think I am? Your mother?
What's the smell then? asks Arthur.
My parrot, says Terence. He's drying.
I could ask the same of you Arthur, says Belle. What's that smell? Is it.....custard?
Arthur pulls the blue cloth out of his shorts pocket dramatically.
A smell of old custard wafts through the room.
Several knitting needles tumble to the floor with a clatter. Followed by three off-white Russian feathers.
Arthur, you surprise me, says Marx.
Arthur shrugs. Why should Marx be surprised he owns property?
Red Kisses And Poison Tomatoes
Sweezus, Arthur and Marx walk the length of the airport, eating Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
This one is awesome, says Sweezus. It's got custard inside.
As if to confirm this, a blob of custard drops onto the carpet.
A cleaner comes up behind Sweezus, with a trolley, a mop and a bucket.
She starts dabbing the custard.
Excuse me, madam, says Marx. May I ask how much you get paid for your efforts? Are you a member of a union? Do you experience a degree of alienation from your task?
The cleaner keeps wiping the floor.
I'm heaps sorry, says Sweezus to the cleaner. I dropped that blob of custard.
Do you want it back? asks the cleaner.
How rude.
Sweezus and Marx walk quickly away to the exit.
Arthur stays.
I'll have it, says Arthur. The custard.
Don't be disgusting, says the cleaner. I'm calling security.
Not to eat, says Arthur. Just a memento.
Have it, says the cleaner, shoving the custardy cloth towards Arthur.
Thanks, says Arthur. And can I keep the cloth?
Sure, says the cleaner. I've got a whole bag of them in the back of the trolley. Get along now. Your friends will be gone.
Arthur shoves the cloth in his pocket. He really just wanted the cloth. A nice blue one.
In case you were wondering.
........
Gaius is home at last, in his own kitchen. He has invited Professor Xu Xing to tea.
I've been away a few days, says Gaius, but there's bound to be something to eat in the pantry.
Anything will be fine, says Professor Xu Xing politely. Do you have canned tomatoes?
Certainly not! says Gaius. Tomatoes are poison.
Good, good, says Professor Xu Xing. I don't like tomatoes. What about rice?
Rice. Yes I have rice, says Gaius. I'll get the water boiling.
Don't you have a rice cooker? asks Professor Xu Xing.
Rice cooker? says Gaius. Modern luxuries are anathema to me.
So I see, says Professor Xu Xing, sitting down on the hard chair at the bare table, in front of the empty fruit bowl, feeling cold.
......
Baby Pierre too is back in the kitchen. He is saying hello to his friends at the window.
Baby Pierre! squeals Lavender. Where have you been?
He's been KISSING! says Ouvert. Who were you kissing?
No one, says Baby Pierre. I went deep sea diving, in Lucky Bay. I found a ruby sea dragon and sketched it, and now I'm employed as Gaius's official recorder.
Re-cor-doodoo! scoffs Ouvert, instantly jealous.
What's that red on your face? asks Lavender. Is it from kissing?
NO! says Baby Pierre.
........
Vello and David are having dinner at Hoosegow, a relatively new restaurant.
Vello: That worked out well. Gaius and Xu Xing are getting on famously.
David: Yes. Now we can start getting serious about our cycling regime.
Vello: Hm. What say we do Willy Hill in the morning?
David: Willy Hill it shall be. Perhaps I won't have dessert after this giant meat plate.
( they have ordered the meat plate for two: chilli chicken, lamb backstrap, pork ribs, eye fillet, chorizo, crushed chat potatoes, jalapeno aioli, tomato relish - $99.00 )
Vello: Good man. I won't either.
David: Gaius didn't look all that fit did he?
Vello: If he isn't, he won't make the team.
David: Who would we get then?
Vello: Plenty of others would be only too glad to be invited.....er....let me think.... Xu Xing looks quite fit.
David: And what about Marx? I believe he's back now from Melbourne.
Vello: Good lord! Marx? Far too ancient. And nosey. He'd always be stopping.
David: Ha ha. You're right. He would always be stopping.
This one is awesome, says Sweezus. It's got custard inside.
As if to confirm this, a blob of custard drops onto the carpet.
A cleaner comes up behind Sweezus, with a trolley, a mop and a bucket.
She starts dabbing the custard.
Excuse me, madam, says Marx. May I ask how much you get paid for your efforts? Are you a member of a union? Do you experience a degree of alienation from your task?
The cleaner keeps wiping the floor.
I'm heaps sorry, says Sweezus to the cleaner. I dropped that blob of custard.
Do you want it back? asks the cleaner.
How rude.
Sweezus and Marx walk quickly away to the exit.
Arthur stays.
I'll have it, says Arthur. The custard.
Don't be disgusting, says the cleaner. I'm calling security.
Not to eat, says Arthur. Just a memento.
Have it, says the cleaner, shoving the custardy cloth towards Arthur.
Thanks, says Arthur. And can I keep the cloth?
Sure, says the cleaner. I've got a whole bag of them in the back of the trolley. Get along now. Your friends will be gone.
Arthur shoves the cloth in his pocket. He really just wanted the cloth. A nice blue one.
In case you were wondering.
........
Gaius is home at last, in his own kitchen. He has invited Professor Xu Xing to tea.
I've been away a few days, says Gaius, but there's bound to be something to eat in the pantry.
Anything will be fine, says Professor Xu Xing politely. Do you have canned tomatoes?
Certainly not! says Gaius. Tomatoes are poison.
Good, good, says Professor Xu Xing. I don't like tomatoes. What about rice?
Rice. Yes I have rice, says Gaius. I'll get the water boiling.
Don't you have a rice cooker? asks Professor Xu Xing.
Rice cooker? says Gaius. Modern luxuries are anathema to me.
So I see, says Professor Xu Xing, sitting down on the hard chair at the bare table, in front of the empty fruit bowl, feeling cold.
......
Baby Pierre too is back in the kitchen. He is saying hello to his friends at the window.
Baby Pierre! squeals Lavender. Where have you been?
He's been KISSING! says Ouvert. Who were you kissing?
No one, says Baby Pierre. I went deep sea diving, in Lucky Bay. I found a ruby sea dragon and sketched it, and now I'm employed as Gaius's official recorder.
Re-cor-doodoo! scoffs Ouvert, instantly jealous.
What's that red on your face? asks Lavender. Is it from kissing?
NO! says Baby Pierre.
........
Vello and David are having dinner at Hoosegow, a relatively new restaurant.
Vello: That worked out well. Gaius and Xu Xing are getting on famously.
David: Yes. Now we can start getting serious about our cycling regime.
Vello: Hm. What say we do Willy Hill in the morning?
David: Willy Hill it shall be. Perhaps I won't have dessert after this giant meat plate.
( they have ordered the meat plate for two: chilli chicken, lamb backstrap, pork ribs, eye fillet, chorizo, crushed chat potatoes, jalapeno aioli, tomato relish - $99.00 )
Vello: Good man. I won't either.
David: Gaius didn't look all that fit did he?
Vello: If he isn't, he won't make the team.
David: Who would we get then?
Vello: Plenty of others would be only too glad to be invited.....er....let me think.... Xu Xing looks quite fit.
David: And what about Marx? I believe he's back now from Melbourne.
Vello: Good lord! Marx? Far too ancient. And nosey. He'd always be stopping.
David: Ha ha. You're right. He would always be stopping.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Bad Influences
Saint Kilda beach.
Belle et Bonne arrives to collect Terence.
They say goodbye to Victor and walk to the tram.
Terence: Where are we going?
Belle et Bonne: We're going to the tram.
Terence: But after that where are we going?
Belle et Bonne: You're going to hang out with me.
Terence: What about Grandpa and Sweezus?
Belle et Bonne: Bad influences, both of them. I'll look after you now.
Terence: Maybe Victor could look after me.
Belle et Bonne: He's too busy.
Terence: Upholding the right.
Belle et Bonne: My goodness. Upholding the right what?
Terence: That's what I said. And he said, not the right anything.
Belle et Bonne: I wonder what he meant by that?
Terence: He meant right was a thing without anything after it.
Belle et Bonne: What good is it then?
Terence: See this parrot?
Belle et Bonne (noticing the plush parrot): It's lovely.
Terence: See? You said it's lovely. But nothing came after it.
Belle et Bonne: I understand. The parrot is good in itself.
The parrot who has been listening, feels proud that a policeman upheld him.
The tram arrives. All three of them get on the tram.
.......
Later that day, at the Adelaide Airport:
Gaius, Sweezus, Arthur, and Baby Pierre have just flown in from Perth.
Sweezus and Arthur head off to buy Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
Gaius spots Vello and David, with a third party.
Vello! David! Nice of you to come and meet us, says Gaius.
Not at all, says Vello. Literally, not at all. We're here to meet Professor Xu Xing. Professor, this is Gaius Plinius Secundus.
There is some polite hand shaking, and nodding.
We've a car waiting, says Vello. Time's ticking by. The carpark's expensive.
......
In the back seat, Gaius is talking to Professor Xu Xing.
Feathers and extra long wrist bones! Marvellous! says Gaius.
Exactly, says Professor Xu Xing. A great success. And you? The ruby sea dragon?
Oh yes, success of a sort, says Gaius. Show the professor your sketches, Baby Pierre.
Baby Pierre opens the sketchbook at the smudged ruby sea dragon.
Professor Xu Xing is impressed.
He resolves to ask Baby Pierre to go with him when he flies back to China.
......
At Krispy Kreme, who should be standing eating doughnuts but the father of communism?
Hello boys, says Karl Marx. Like a doughnut? I've bought too many.
That's not like you, says Sweezus.
Arthur bites into a pink and brown double iced doughnut. It tastes mainly of sugar.
I was chatting to the workers, says Marx. About the means of production.
Do you want any more? asks one of the workers. Because if not, would you mind moving off? You're holding the queue up.
Marx hops out of the way. No sense in holding the queue up.
Belle et Bonne arrives to collect Terence.
They say goodbye to Victor and walk to the tram.
Terence: Where are we going?
Belle et Bonne: We're going to the tram.
Terence: But after that where are we going?
Belle et Bonne: You're going to hang out with me.
Terence: What about Grandpa and Sweezus?
Belle et Bonne: Bad influences, both of them. I'll look after you now.
Terence: Maybe Victor could look after me.
Belle et Bonne: He's too busy.
Terence: Upholding the right.
Belle et Bonne: My goodness. Upholding the right what?
Terence: That's what I said. And he said, not the right anything.
Belle et Bonne: I wonder what he meant by that?
Terence: He meant right was a thing without anything after it.
Belle et Bonne: What good is it then?
Terence: See this parrot?
Belle et Bonne (noticing the plush parrot): It's lovely.
Terence: See? You said it's lovely. But nothing came after it.
Belle et Bonne: I understand. The parrot is good in itself.
The parrot who has been listening, feels proud that a policeman upheld him.
The tram arrives. All three of them get on the tram.
.......
Later that day, at the Adelaide Airport:
Gaius, Sweezus, Arthur, and Baby Pierre have just flown in from Perth.
Sweezus and Arthur head off to buy Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
Gaius spots Vello and David, with a third party.
Vello! David! Nice of you to come and meet us, says Gaius.
Not at all, says Vello. Literally, not at all. We're here to meet Professor Xu Xing. Professor, this is Gaius Plinius Secundus.
There is some polite hand shaking, and nodding.
We've a car waiting, says Vello. Time's ticking by. The carpark's expensive.
......
In the back seat, Gaius is talking to Professor Xu Xing.
Feathers and extra long wrist bones! Marvellous! says Gaius.
Exactly, says Professor Xu Xing. A great success. And you? The ruby sea dragon?
Oh yes, success of a sort, says Gaius. Show the professor your sketches, Baby Pierre.
Baby Pierre opens the sketchbook at the smudged ruby sea dragon.
Professor Xu Xing is impressed.
He resolves to ask Baby Pierre to go with him when he flies back to China.
......
At Krispy Kreme, who should be standing eating doughnuts but the father of communism?
Hello boys, says Karl Marx. Like a doughnut? I've bought too many.
That's not like you, says Sweezus.
Arthur bites into a pink and brown double iced doughnut. It tastes mainly of sugar.
I was chatting to the workers, says Marx. About the means of production.
Do you want any more? asks one of the workers. Because if not, would you mind moving off? You're holding the queue up.
Marx hops out of the way. No sense in holding the queue up.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Uphold The Right
Victor and Terence are on the beach at Saint Kilda.
At first they were walking. Now they are sitting.
Victor views the horizon, on which float several large tankers.
Ah, travel! says Victor. I've travelled a bit in my time.
Me too, says Terence. First upwards to the top of my palace. Then down. That was when I met Sweezus.
Is that so? says Victor. I first met Sweezus in Victor Harbour when I was posted there. He was in stolen shorts. Or so I thought. Turns out they were borrowed. Gaius was there too. He'd been arrested for possession of a penguin pie. Happy times.
Penguin pie. Terence would like to hear more of this story, but Victor keeps talking.
Soon after, I was posted to Wallaroo, says Victor. There was trouble with an illegal cuttlefish take. That was Sweezus as well, come to think of it.....
Terence feigns lack of interest. He picks up a handful of sand and trickles it.
But he's thinking: This is my future.
Victor continues his policing reminiscences.
Then I transferred to Victoria. I like it better here. Want to know why?
Why? says Terence. Is it the lane way graffiti? Grandpa likes them.
He would, says Victor. The old Communist. No, the reason I like it here is the Motto.
The Motto, says Terence. Is that a game?
No that's Lotto, says Victor. The Victoria Police motto is something a police officer can relate to. Our motto is Uphold the Right. What do think, eh?
Uphold the right what? says Terence.
Not the right anything, says Victor.
Terence doesn't think much of the motto, but he doesn't say so.
He thinks Victor is nice.
At first they were walking. Now they are sitting.
Victor views the horizon, on which float several large tankers.
Ah, travel! says Victor. I've travelled a bit in my time.
Me too, says Terence. First upwards to the top of my palace. Then down. That was when I met Sweezus.
Is that so? says Victor. I first met Sweezus in Victor Harbour when I was posted there. He was in stolen shorts. Or so I thought. Turns out they were borrowed. Gaius was there too. He'd been arrested for possession of a penguin pie. Happy times.
Penguin pie. Terence would like to hear more of this story, but Victor keeps talking.
Soon after, I was posted to Wallaroo, says Victor. There was trouble with an illegal cuttlefish take. That was Sweezus as well, come to think of it.....
Terence feigns lack of interest. He picks up a handful of sand and trickles it.
But he's thinking: This is my future.
Victor continues his policing reminiscences.
Then I transferred to Victoria. I like it better here. Want to know why?
Why? says Terence. Is it the lane way graffiti? Grandpa likes them.
He would, says Victor. The old Communist. No, the reason I like it here is the Motto.
The Motto, says Terence. Is that a game?
No that's Lotto, says Victor. The Victoria Police motto is something a police officer can relate to. Our motto is Uphold the Right. What do think, eh?
Uphold the right what? says Terence.
Not the right anything, says Victor.
Terence doesn't think much of the motto, but he doesn't say so.
He thinks Victor is nice.
Monday, May 11, 2015
What We Learn Watching Seagulls And Parrots
Saint Kilda esplanade.
Terence throws himself onto a seat, and stares at the pavement.
Seagulls have been there.
Where are they now?
Probably bobbing up and down on the ocean. Together.
A community of seagulls. Making plans. Fighting.
A mother strolls by with a stroller.
Her baby is in it, and toys.
The mother sees Terence sitting all by himself on a seat in Saint Kilda.
Something's not right, thinks the mother.
She turns the stroller, kicks the brake on, and sits down beside Terence.
Hello, little man, says the mother. Where's your mother?
Bobbing up and down in the ocean, making plans and fighting, says Terence.
What a silly thing to say.
Good heavens! Is she a seagull? laughs the mother.
No, says Terence. Maybe. I wish she was. How would I know?
You're lost, says the mother. Would you like me to call a policeman?
She takes a phone from a voluminous bag, and calls the local police station.
While they wait for a policeman Terence looks in at the baby.
Beady-eyed baby. Striped clothes. It looks like a parrot. His parrot.
Hello, Parrot, says Terence.
The beady-eyed baby looks daggers at Terence.
Jealousy rules, amongst babies.
......
It's a quiet morning in Saint Kilda. Soon a policeman turns up.
Oho, says the policeman. Terence. Why am I not surprised?
You know this baby? says the mother.
I do, says Victor.
Well, we'll be off then, says the mother. I'm late for my Yummy Mummy class.
Have fun, Parrot, says Terence, as Parrot is wheeled away rapidly.
Parrot chucks a toy over the side of his stroller.
Now then, says Victor. Just let me make a phone call.
He gets out his special police phone.
Ring ring. He calls Belle et Bonne.
You're lucky, says Victor to Terence, when the phone call is over. She's coming to get you.
What about Grandpa? says Terence.
He's left, says Victor. Went back to Adelaide without you. You deserve it.
Terence looks glum. He knows he deserves it.
Victor is sorry he said it.
Let's go down to the beach and look at the seagulls while we're waiting, says Victor. Oh look, here's a toy.
Victor picks up the toy, and hands it to Terence.
It's a plush parrot. A soft toy. Which explains why the mother didn't notice.
Terence throws himself onto a seat, and stares at the pavement.
Seagulls have been there.
Where are they now?
Probably bobbing up and down on the ocean. Together.
A community of seagulls. Making plans. Fighting.
A mother strolls by with a stroller.
Her baby is in it, and toys.
The mother sees Terence sitting all by himself on a seat in Saint Kilda.
Something's not right, thinks the mother.
She turns the stroller, kicks the brake on, and sits down beside Terence.
Hello, little man, says the mother. Where's your mother?
Bobbing up and down in the ocean, making plans and fighting, says Terence.
What a silly thing to say.
Good heavens! Is she a seagull? laughs the mother.
No, says Terence. Maybe. I wish she was. How would I know?
You're lost, says the mother. Would you like me to call a policeman?
She takes a phone from a voluminous bag, and calls the local police station.
While they wait for a policeman Terence looks in at the baby.
Beady-eyed baby. Striped clothes. It looks like a parrot. His parrot.
Hello, Parrot, says Terence.
The beady-eyed baby looks daggers at Terence.
Jealousy rules, amongst babies.
......
It's a quiet morning in Saint Kilda. Soon a policeman turns up.
Oho, says the policeman. Terence. Why am I not surprised?
You know this baby? says the mother.
I do, says Victor.
Well, we'll be off then, says the mother. I'm late for my Yummy Mummy class.
Have fun, Parrot, says Terence, as Parrot is wheeled away rapidly.
Parrot chucks a toy over the side of his stroller.
Now then, says Victor. Just let me make a phone call.
He gets out his special police phone.
Ring ring. He calls Belle et Bonne.
You're lucky, says Victor to Terence, when the phone call is over. She's coming to get you.
What about Grandpa? says Terence.
He's left, says Victor. Went back to Adelaide without you. You deserve it.
Terence looks glum. He knows he deserves it.
Victor is sorry he said it.
Let's go down to the beach and look at the seagulls while we're waiting, says Victor. Oh look, here's a toy.
Victor picks up the toy, and hands it to Terence.
It's a plush parrot. A soft toy. Which explains why the mother didn't notice.
Baby Stupid Hat
Next morning, in Melbourne.
Karl Marx is in his hotel room.
He should be returning to Adelaide but hasn't found Terence.
Is he morally obliged to?
He sits on the edge of the bed, and stares at himself in the mirror.
Marx-in-the-mirror looks back at himself, sitting on the bed staring into the mirror.
Karl Marx: I am not his real grandpa.
Marx-in-the-mirror: He is but a child.
Karl Marx: No, he is merely a statue.
Marx-in-the-mirror: You still have a duty of care. I'm just saying.
Karl Marx: By what system of ethics does a man have a duty of care to a runaway statue?
Marx-in-the-mirror: A BABY statue. Who ran away to be with you. Shortly after, you bought him a hat. Also you taught him to recite the four types of alienation.
Karl Marx: Yes. I wonder if he still remembers them.
Marx-in-the-mirror: Tch! As if that's a relevant question!
It looks like Marx-in-the-mirror is winning.
There is a knock on the door.
It's Belle-et-Bonne, who has had a big night and is now feeling guilty.
Haven't you found him either? asks Belle.
No, says Marx.
We should ring the police, says Belle. I feel something awful has happened.
......
Belle is right. Something awful has happened.
Terence has run out of the Labour in Vain and hopped onto a tram to Saint Kilda.
And sometimes people on trams can be quite abusive, if we look different.
Three people on the tram, whom we shall not identify for stereotyping reasons (this being fiction), are shouting rude things at Terence.
1st Person: Go back to where you came from!
Terence: Wah!
2nd person: Peru was it? Say something in Peruvian!
Terence: Wah!
3rd person: Taking our jobs! Fuck you, baby-stupid-hat!
Terence: Wah!
Terence is very upset. He didn't even know the tram was going to Saint Kilda.
.......
Anyway, that was last night.
.....
In the morning Terence is on the esplanade at Saint Kilda.
Joggers are passing by.
Joggers are always a nice type of person.
One of them stops and takes her podphones out of her ears so she can listen to the answer to this question:
Nice jogger: Where did you get those amazing gecko shorts from?
Terence: Barcelona.
Nice jogger: So cool.
Now Terence feels a whole heap better about himself.,
It doesn't take much.
We should all try to remember this lesson.
........
Terence is still lost though.
Karl Marx is in his hotel room.
He should be returning to Adelaide but hasn't found Terence.
Is he morally obliged to?
He sits on the edge of the bed, and stares at himself in the mirror.
Marx-in-the-mirror looks back at himself, sitting on the bed staring into the mirror.
Karl Marx: I am not his real grandpa.
Marx-in-the-mirror: He is but a child.
Karl Marx: No, he is merely a statue.
Marx-in-the-mirror: You still have a duty of care. I'm just saying.
Karl Marx: By what system of ethics does a man have a duty of care to a runaway statue?
Marx-in-the-mirror: A BABY statue. Who ran away to be with you. Shortly after, you bought him a hat. Also you taught him to recite the four types of alienation.
Karl Marx: Yes. I wonder if he still remembers them.
Marx-in-the-mirror: Tch! As if that's a relevant question!
It looks like Marx-in-the-mirror is winning.
There is a knock on the door.
It's Belle-et-Bonne, who has had a big night and is now feeling guilty.
Haven't you found him either? asks Belle.
No, says Marx.
We should ring the police, says Belle. I feel something awful has happened.
......
Belle is right. Something awful has happened.
Terence has run out of the Labour in Vain and hopped onto a tram to Saint Kilda.
And sometimes people on trams can be quite abusive, if we look different.
Three people on the tram, whom we shall not identify for stereotyping reasons (this being fiction), are shouting rude things at Terence.
1st Person: Go back to where you came from!
Terence: Wah!
2nd person: Peru was it? Say something in Peruvian!
Terence: Wah!
3rd person: Taking our jobs! Fuck you, baby-stupid-hat!
Terence: Wah!
Terence is very upset. He didn't even know the tram was going to Saint Kilda.
.......
Anyway, that was last night.
.....
In the morning Terence is on the esplanade at Saint Kilda.
Joggers are passing by.
Joggers are always a nice type of person.
One of them stops and takes her podphones out of her ears so she can listen to the answer to this question:
Nice jogger: Where did you get those amazing gecko shorts from?
Terence: Barcelona.
Nice jogger: So cool.
Now Terence feels a whole heap better about himself.,
It doesn't take much.
We should all try to remember this lesson.
........
Terence is still lost though.
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Still Warm From Her Bottom
Bai and Guang catch up with Karl Marx, in a dark alley.
Wait, lord! says Bai.
Marx turns around and sees the two young petitioners.
Pardon? Quoi? says Marx, trying to fake being a Frenchman.
O he speaks French, says Bai softly. Pardon seigneur, attends-nous.
Marx has already reached the limit of his French vocabulary.
What is it? he sighs.
Bai's eyes light up. God has tuned in, in English.
We want everyone to come to know Jesus, says Bai, quoting from the CrossCulture website.
Forgive me, young ladies, says Marx.
Ooh! Bai and Guang are unsettled. Forgive YOU?
I didn't realise you knew where he was, says Marx. Where is he?
Is it a test? Bai and Guang wait for more revelation.
Marx takes out his phone. Flicks though his photos.
Here it is. The selfie he took of himself and Terence at the Marxism Conference.
Nice one of himself. But Terence has a bad case of red-eye.
Guang looks at the photo.
You should have turned off the flash, says Guang. That's what causes red-eye.
Thank you, says Marx. I do know that.
Bai knocks Guang with her elbow.
What? says Guang.
He knows everything, whispers Bai.
No he doesn't, says Guang. He doesn't know where his son is.
It might be a test, whispers Bai.
Who would test him? asks Guang, puzzled.
Have you or have you not seen this infant? says Marx, becoming impatient.
No, says Bai.
All right then, says Marx. Thank you. Goodbye.
He turns to leave, but suddenly his revolutionary spirit gets the better of him.
Tell me comrades, says Marx, does either of you work in a factory?
We are students, says Bai.
Excellent says Marx. What are you studying?
Business management, says Bai.
Business management! Now Marx's dander is up.
He restrains himself, walking off stiffly.
........
At the Labour in Vain, Terence looks for his hat.
I'll help you look for it, says Lorna. Oh look! I've been sitting on it!
Terence puts his Peruvian hat on.
It's warm, from her bottom.
You were saying? says Tommy Zoom.
What was I saying? asks Terence.
You said, take this hat for example, says Tommy Zoom.
He was alienated from it, says Boz. Temporarily. By Lorna.
We won't let that happen again, says Lorna, pulling down hard on the side flaps.
What was the fourth type of alienation? asks Tommy Zoom.
Terence has forgotten.
He is starting to feel rather scared of these people.
Wait, lord! says Bai.
Marx turns around and sees the two young petitioners.
Pardon? Quoi? says Marx, trying to fake being a Frenchman.
O he speaks French, says Bai softly. Pardon seigneur, attends-nous.
Marx has already reached the limit of his French vocabulary.
What is it? he sighs.
Bai's eyes light up. God has tuned in, in English.
We want everyone to come to know Jesus, says Bai, quoting from the CrossCulture website.
Forgive me, young ladies, says Marx.
Ooh! Bai and Guang are unsettled. Forgive YOU?
I didn't realise you knew where he was, says Marx. Where is he?
Is it a test? Bai and Guang wait for more revelation.
Marx takes out his phone. Flicks though his photos.
Here it is. The selfie he took of himself and Terence at the Marxism Conference.
Nice one of himself. But Terence has a bad case of red-eye.
Guang looks at the photo.
You should have turned off the flash, says Guang. That's what causes red-eye.
Thank you, says Marx. I do know that.
Bai knocks Guang with her elbow.
What? says Guang.
He knows everything, whispers Bai.
No he doesn't, says Guang. He doesn't know where his son is.
It might be a test, whispers Bai.
Who would test him? asks Guang, puzzled.
Have you or have you not seen this infant? says Marx, becoming impatient.
No, says Bai.
All right then, says Marx. Thank you. Goodbye.
He turns to leave, but suddenly his revolutionary spirit gets the better of him.
Tell me comrades, says Marx, does either of you work in a factory?
We are students, says Bai.
Excellent says Marx. What are you studying?
Business management, says Bai.
Business management! Now Marx's dander is up.
He restrains himself, walking off stiffly.
........
At the Labour in Vain, Terence looks for his hat.
I'll help you look for it, says Lorna. Oh look! I've been sitting on it!
Terence puts his Peruvian hat on.
It's warm, from her bottom.
You were saying? says Tommy Zoom.
What was I saying? asks Terence.
You said, take this hat for example, says Tommy Zoom.
He was alienated from it, says Boz. Temporarily. By Lorna.
We won't let that happen again, says Lorna, pulling down hard on the side flaps.
What was the fourth type of alienation? asks Tommy Zoom.
Terence has forgotten.
He is starting to feel rather scared of these people.
Friday, May 8, 2015
The Trouble With Looking Like God
Karl Marx is resigned to his task.
He is searching Melbourne's churches for Terence.
Here's one, on Little Lonsdale Street. The CrossCulture.
He pokes his head in.
The singing stops. Several young people rush over.
Ah! cry the young people.
This is the trouble with looking exactly like God.
.......
Terence is still in Fitzroy, in the pub known as Labour in Vain.
He is hatless, and his little cement curls are showing.
He is just hitting his stride.
The second type of alienation, says Terence, is The Worker From Working.
I have that one, says Boz. Every day of my life.
Then I'll skip it, says Terence. The third type is the Worker From Himself.
How does that work? asks Lorna. Like sleeping?
No, says Terence. It's when he loses his essence.
Drugs? asks Lorna's partner, Tommy Zoom.
No, says Terence. Grandpa calls it Gattungswesen.
Holy shit, are you German? says Lorna. I would never have picked it.
Yeah, says Tommy Zoom. He could be. They wear those hats.
This isn't a German hat, says Terence. I mean, it wasn't. Where is it?
Scheise! Where is the hat? Grandpa bought it for him. And it was useful for explaining production.
.........
Belle is having a lovely evening at the Workshop, ostensibly looking for Terence.
She chats up some hipsters, who look suitably vague.
Oh yaar, says Regan. I might have seen him. What does he look like?
Little, says Belle et Bonne. Made of cement. Wearing a knitted hat with side flaps.
On the counter, says Jem. There's a tiny cement mixer.
That's not a cement mixer, Jem. It's a dump truck, says Regan.
Oh sorry, says Jem. I'm so bad at these things.
Har har! laugh the trio. That includes Belle, who is not trying very hard to find Terence.
......
Karl Marx has finally escaped from CrossCulture, by pretending not to speak English.
But he is being tailed by two dark haired young ladies, Bai and Guang.
They wish to give him a flyer with the times of the Mandarin service, and a list of what everyone wants.
He is searching Melbourne's churches for Terence.
Here's one, on Little Lonsdale Street. The CrossCulture.
He pokes his head in.
The singing stops. Several young people rush over.
Ah! cry the young people.
This is the trouble with looking exactly like God.
.......
Terence is still in Fitzroy, in the pub known as Labour in Vain.
He is hatless, and his little cement curls are showing.
He is just hitting his stride.
The second type of alienation, says Terence, is The Worker From Working.
I have that one, says Boz. Every day of my life.
Then I'll skip it, says Terence. The third type is the Worker From Himself.
How does that work? asks Lorna. Like sleeping?
No, says Terence. It's when he loses his essence.
Drugs? asks Lorna's partner, Tommy Zoom.
No, says Terence. Grandpa calls it Gattungswesen.
Holy shit, are you German? says Lorna. I would never have picked it.
Yeah, says Tommy Zoom. He could be. They wear those hats.
This isn't a German hat, says Terence. I mean, it wasn't. Where is it?
Scheise! Where is the hat? Grandpa bought it for him. And it was useful for explaining production.
.........
Belle is having a lovely evening at the Workshop, ostensibly looking for Terence.
She chats up some hipsters, who look suitably vague.
Oh yaar, says Regan. I might have seen him. What does he look like?
Little, says Belle et Bonne. Made of cement. Wearing a knitted hat with side flaps.
On the counter, says Jem. There's a tiny cement mixer.
That's not a cement mixer, Jem. It's a dump truck, says Regan.
Oh sorry, says Jem. I'm so bad at these things.
Har har! laugh the trio. That includes Belle, who is not trying very hard to find Terence.
......
Karl Marx has finally escaped from CrossCulture, by pretending not to speak English.
But he is being tailed by two dark haired young ladies, Bai and Guang.
They wish to give him a flyer with the times of the Mandarin service, and a list of what everyone wants.
Kissed In Four Places
In Melbourne:
Belle et Bonne: Well! He was no help!
Karl Marx: Perhaps he was overcome with emotion.
Belle et Bonne: Sweezie's never overcome with emotion. Unless he sees birds.
Karl Marx: That's funny. Little Terence likes birds.
Belle et Bonne: So what are you saying? Like infant, like adult?
Karl Marx: Of course not. I myself used to like teasing my sisters. I wouldn't now.
Belle et Bonne: I'd like to hear their side of the story.
Karl Marx: Sadly, they are no longer with us. I used to make them eat mud in exchange for a story.
Belle et Bonne: No wonder Terence ran off.
Karl Marx: We must continue to look for him. I believe Melbourne is dangerous.
Belle et Bonne: You search the churches. I'll search the bars and cafes.
Karl Marx: I'd prefer.....
But Belle has already gone into one of the coolest bars in Melbourne, the Workshop.
........
Terence is not in the Workshop.
He's in Fitzroy. He's at the Labour in Vain.
He has made a few friends there. They like his cherubic looks and knitted hat with the side flaps. They empathise with his Marxist ideas on alienation.
There are four types of alienation, says Terence.
What are they? asks Boz.
The worker from the work, says Terence. That's the first one.
Too right, says Boz.
The work means the product, says Terence. Take this hat.
It's so cool, says Lorna.
Yes, says Terence. And also quite hot.
Take it off then, says Lorna. I bet you look even cuter without it.
Terence takes off his hat.
This could get dangerous.
.......
Esperance:
First thing in the morning, says Gaius, we'll fly out of Esperance, then get an afternoon flight back to Adelaide.
Why what's up? says Sweezus.
A golden opportunity, says Gaius. Vello and David have asked me to entertain Professor Xu Xing.
Xu Xing, says Sweezus. Yeah, I've heard of him. The 'go to' man for dinosaur hunting.
Dinosaurs! says Baby Pierre. I LOVE dinosaurs!
Since when? says Brianna.
Since the Jurassic, says Baby Pierre. You don't know everything about me.
I never will, says Brianna. I'm staying in Perth remember. We may ne-e-ver meet again, so shed your skin and let's get started .......la la la
I know that song, says Baby Pierre. And I will kiss you in four pla-a-ces.....
Hunters and Collectors, says Sweezus.
Stop that, says Gaius. Baby Pierre, I shall require some seriousness of you from now on.
Why? asks Baby Pierre.
Because, says Gaius, I should like you to be my official recorder.
Yippydoo, says Baby Pierre. I will be awesome. I've got a pencil.
Everyone looks surprised. Pencil, what pencil?
The Dempsters' pencil, says Baby Pierre. The green one, I kept it.
Woah! His career as official recorder is off to a flying good start.
Belle et Bonne: Well! He was no help!
Karl Marx: Perhaps he was overcome with emotion.
Belle et Bonne: Sweezie's never overcome with emotion. Unless he sees birds.
Karl Marx: That's funny. Little Terence likes birds.
Belle et Bonne: So what are you saying? Like infant, like adult?
Karl Marx: Of course not. I myself used to like teasing my sisters. I wouldn't now.
Belle et Bonne: I'd like to hear their side of the story.
Karl Marx: Sadly, they are no longer with us. I used to make them eat mud in exchange for a story.
Belle et Bonne: No wonder Terence ran off.
Karl Marx: We must continue to look for him. I believe Melbourne is dangerous.
Belle et Bonne: You search the churches. I'll search the bars and cafes.
Karl Marx: I'd prefer.....
But Belle has already gone into one of the coolest bars in Melbourne, the Workshop.
........
Terence is not in the Workshop.
He's in Fitzroy. He's at the Labour in Vain.
He has made a few friends there. They like his cherubic looks and knitted hat with the side flaps. They empathise with his Marxist ideas on alienation.
There are four types of alienation, says Terence.
What are they? asks Boz.
The worker from the work, says Terence. That's the first one.
Too right, says Boz.
The work means the product, says Terence. Take this hat.
It's so cool, says Lorna.
Yes, says Terence. And also quite hot.
Take it off then, says Lorna. I bet you look even cuter without it.
Terence takes off his hat.
This could get dangerous.
.......
Esperance:
First thing in the morning, says Gaius, we'll fly out of Esperance, then get an afternoon flight back to Adelaide.
Why what's up? says Sweezus.
A golden opportunity, says Gaius. Vello and David have asked me to entertain Professor Xu Xing.
Xu Xing, says Sweezus. Yeah, I've heard of him. The 'go to' man for dinosaur hunting.
Dinosaurs! says Baby Pierre. I LOVE dinosaurs!
Since when? says Brianna.
Since the Jurassic, says Baby Pierre. You don't know everything about me.
I never will, says Brianna. I'm staying in Perth remember. We may ne-e-ver meet again, so shed your skin and let's get started .......la la la
I know that song, says Baby Pierre. And I will kiss you in four pla-a-ces.....
Hunters and Collectors, says Sweezus.
Stop that, says Gaius. Baby Pierre, I shall require some seriousness of you from now on.
Why? asks Baby Pierre.
Because, says Gaius, I should like you to be my official recorder.
Yippydoo, says Baby Pierre. I will be awesome. I've got a pencil.
Everyone looks surprised. Pencil, what pencil?
The Dempsters' pencil, says Baby Pierre. The green one, I kept it.
Woah! His career as official recorder is off to a flying good start.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Alienation
Gaius, says Gaius
Gaius! says Vello. Still in Perth?
Esperance, says Gaius. We're heading back now.
Good, says Vello. David and I have a proposition for you. We know you like dinosaurs.
Fossils, says Gaius.
And birds, says Vello. Dinosaurs and birds. And you've been to China.
What are you getting at, Vello? asks Gaius.
David and I have realised that our fitness levels are not what they should be, says Vello.
Nor are mine for that matter, says Gaius.
Nonsense, says Vello. All that diving I hear you've been doing. Good for the legs and the lung capacity.
Gaius doesn't want to admit that he hasn't done that much diving.
Well yes, says Gaius. And so...?
Professor Xu Xing is coming over, says Vello. You know him.
I don't know him, says Gaius. I know Doctor Zhu Min.
He's from the Institute of Vertebrate Paleontology and Paleoanthropology in Beijing, says Vello. You went there.
It's a large building, says Gaius.
Yes, yes, says Vello. Well, I'll be blunt. David and I need to practice our cycling, and we won't be here to entertain Professor Xu Xing. We wondered if you'd like to do it. If you come up with an interesting angle, of course you'd get paid when it's published.
What is his field, this professor? asks Gaius.
Dinosaurs with feathers, says Vello. I know, it sounds ridiculous. But he has discovered the remains of a dinosaur with wings and unusually long wrist bones....
No, no, says Gaius, not at all. Dinosaurs are believed to have evolved into birds. This is a wonderful discovery. I must meet him. I'll be home late tomorrow.
Good man, says Vello.
.......
Minutes later, Sweezus gets a phone call.
It's from Belle et Bonne.
Hi, says Belle . Where are you? I'm in Melbourne, where YOU should be.
Huh? says Sweezus.
Terence, says Belle et Bonne. He's gone missing.
He's with his grandpa, says Sweezus.
No he isn't, says Belle. And Marx blames himself.
I thought he bought him a hat, says Sweezus. With side flaps.
That was days ago, says Belle et Bonne. Marx is afraid that Terence has taken some of the lectures to heart.
Oh yeah, the Marxism conference, says Sweezus. But Terence wouldn't have a clue.
Wrong, says Belle et Bonne. He was very affected by the talk on alienation.
Well, what do you want me to do about it? asks Sweezus.
Belle becomes angry, and slams down the phone.
Gaius! says Vello. Still in Perth?
Esperance, says Gaius. We're heading back now.
Good, says Vello. David and I have a proposition for you. We know you like dinosaurs.
Fossils, says Gaius.
And birds, says Vello. Dinosaurs and birds. And you've been to China.
What are you getting at, Vello? asks Gaius.
David and I have realised that our fitness levels are not what they should be, says Vello.
Nor are mine for that matter, says Gaius.
Nonsense, says Vello. All that diving I hear you've been doing. Good for the legs and the lung capacity.
Gaius doesn't want to admit that he hasn't done that much diving.
Well yes, says Gaius. And so...?
Professor Xu Xing is coming over, says Vello. You know him.
I don't know him, says Gaius. I know Doctor Zhu Min.
He's from the Institute of Vertebrate Paleontology and Paleoanthropology in Beijing, says Vello. You went there.
It's a large building, says Gaius.
Yes, yes, says Vello. Well, I'll be blunt. David and I need to practice our cycling, and we won't be here to entertain Professor Xu Xing. We wondered if you'd like to do it. If you come up with an interesting angle, of course you'd get paid when it's published.
What is his field, this professor? asks Gaius.
Dinosaurs with feathers, says Vello. I know, it sounds ridiculous. But he has discovered the remains of a dinosaur with wings and unusually long wrist bones....
No, no, says Gaius, not at all. Dinosaurs are believed to have evolved into birds. This is a wonderful discovery. I must meet him. I'll be home late tomorrow.
Good man, says Vello.
.......
Minutes later, Sweezus gets a phone call.
It's from Belle et Bonne.
Hi, says Belle . Where are you? I'm in Melbourne, where YOU should be.
Huh? says Sweezus.
Terence, says Belle et Bonne. He's gone missing.
He's with his grandpa, says Sweezus.
No he isn't, says Belle. And Marx blames himself.
I thought he bought him a hat, says Sweezus. With side flaps.
That was days ago, says Belle et Bonne. Marx is afraid that Terence has taken some of the lectures to heart.
Oh yeah, the Marxism conference, says Sweezus. But Terence wouldn't have a clue.
Wrong, says Belle et Bonne. He was very affected by the talk on alienation.
Well, what do you want me to do about it? asks Sweezus.
Belle becomes angry, and slams down the phone.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Two Golden Boys And A Strangler
Arthur is standing outside the Regent Theatre in Hay Street.
He has just made fifty dollars, selling his free ticket to someone who needed one extra.
As the queue files past him he sees a face that's familiar.
Arthur! says Nerida Wilson. Are you going to the ballet?
No, says Arthur.
Would you like to? asks Nerida.
No ticket, says Arthur.
My friend couldn't make it, says Nerida. So I have a spare ticket. Would you like to come with me?
All right, says Arthur. Thank you. It'll be warmer in there.
How did the trip go? asks Nerida. Did Gaius find a ruby sea dragon?
Long story, says Arthur. One of our party speared one and ate it, all except for the head. Then after Gaius had seen it, this same party member ate the rest of the head, all but the snout and one eyeball. I had the snout and eyeball on a skewer till just now, but I swapped it for needles and feathers. If you keep your eyes open, you'll see it on stage, standing in for the death-dealing spindle.
Oh Arthur! ha ha, how funny, laughs Nerida, not believing him for one second.
By now they are in their seats and the overture is beginning.
Let us gloss over the performance. We do not like ballet.
Let us look at the audience. Let us hear what they whisper.
A little girl in pink netting, with sparkly runners: Oh mummy! Is that a real fairy? Why is she ugly?
Mummy: She's the evil fairy. Shoosh now and wait for the princess.
Snobby ballet critic: This dancing is not up to standard. Did you see that dreadful plié?
Second snobby ballet critic: I did. And the costumes look tired. The wigs need attention.
Lady in velvet: It's so gorgeous and lovely. Oh, I could watch it all evening.
Her husband: I feel like I have.
Person who doesn't normally go to the ballet: Know what? I reckon they're miming.
His girlfriend: You dickhead. It's BALLET. How can they be miming?
Grumpy old person: Who is that crunching? Stop crunching. Crisps ought to be banned in the theatre.
Nerida (nudging Arthur): Is that your skewer?
Arthur: It was.
........
While Arthur is keeping warm at the ballet in Perth, Sweezus, Gaius and Baby Pierre are staying one last night at the Esperance backpackers.
Baby Pierre, the new golden boy.
Gaius can't get over the fine detailed drawings that Baby Pierre drew in his notebook.
Tell me again about this one, says Gaius.
It's screwed up paper, says Baby Pierre.
So lifelike, says Gaius. And this ruby sea dragon. You must have a photographic memory.
Sort of, says Baby Pierre. Actually.....
Actually, says Sweezus, he drew it from life.
You mean? says Gaius.
Yes, says Sweezus. I found a dead one while I was swimming this morning.
Why didn't you tell me before? says Gaius. Let me see.
Sweezus reluctantly pulls the dead sea dragon out of his pocket.
O guilt. O sorrow. It should still be alive.
Gaius is peering intently at the dead ruby sea dragon.
He pokes it with his finger. Some red dye comes off.
Hm, says Gaius. This may be a common sea dragon which is dyed red for some reason.
Full marks for astuteness.
No kidding, says Sweezus. Common. That's awesome. I don't feel so bad now.
No need to feel bad at all, says Gaius. We still have the head of the real one. Arthur will have delivered it to Nerida at the Museum by now.
Oh dear. That is not quite what has happened. Let us hope that something comes up which sends Gaius off on a tangent.
Ring ring! That's his phone. This could be it now.
He has just made fifty dollars, selling his free ticket to someone who needed one extra.
As the queue files past him he sees a face that's familiar.
Arthur! says Nerida Wilson. Are you going to the ballet?
No, says Arthur.
Would you like to? asks Nerida.
No ticket, says Arthur.
My friend couldn't make it, says Nerida. So I have a spare ticket. Would you like to come with me?
All right, says Arthur. Thank you. It'll be warmer in there.
How did the trip go? asks Nerida. Did Gaius find a ruby sea dragon?
Long story, says Arthur. One of our party speared one and ate it, all except for the head. Then after Gaius had seen it, this same party member ate the rest of the head, all but the snout and one eyeball. I had the snout and eyeball on a skewer till just now, but I swapped it for needles and feathers. If you keep your eyes open, you'll see it on stage, standing in for the death-dealing spindle.
Oh Arthur! ha ha, how funny, laughs Nerida, not believing him for one second.
By now they are in their seats and the overture is beginning.
Let us gloss over the performance. We do not like ballet.
Let us look at the audience. Let us hear what they whisper.
A little girl in pink netting, with sparkly runners: Oh mummy! Is that a real fairy? Why is she ugly?
Mummy: She's the evil fairy. Shoosh now and wait for the princess.
Snobby ballet critic: This dancing is not up to standard. Did you see that dreadful plié?
Second snobby ballet critic: I did. And the costumes look tired. The wigs need attention.
Lady in velvet: It's so gorgeous and lovely. Oh, I could watch it all evening.
Her husband: I feel like I have.
Person who doesn't normally go to the ballet: Know what? I reckon they're miming.
His girlfriend: You dickhead. It's BALLET. How can they be miming?
Grumpy old person: Who is that crunching? Stop crunching. Crisps ought to be banned in the theatre.
Nerida (nudging Arthur): Is that your skewer?
Arthur: It was.
........
While Arthur is keeping warm at the ballet in Perth, Sweezus, Gaius and Baby Pierre are staying one last night at the Esperance backpackers.
Baby Pierre, the new golden boy.
Gaius can't get over the fine detailed drawings that Baby Pierre drew in his notebook.
Tell me again about this one, says Gaius.
It's screwed up paper, says Baby Pierre.
So lifelike, says Gaius. And this ruby sea dragon. You must have a photographic memory.
Sort of, says Baby Pierre. Actually.....
Actually, says Sweezus, he drew it from life.
You mean? says Gaius.
Yes, says Sweezus. I found a dead one while I was swimming this morning.
Why didn't you tell me before? says Gaius. Let me see.
Sweezus reluctantly pulls the dead sea dragon out of his pocket.
O guilt. O sorrow. It should still be alive.
Gaius is peering intently at the dead ruby sea dragon.
He pokes it with his finger. Some red dye comes off.
Hm, says Gaius. This may be a common sea dragon which is dyed red for some reason.
Full marks for astuteness.
No kidding, says Sweezus. Common. That's awesome. I don't feel so bad now.
No need to feel bad at all, says Gaius. We still have the head of the real one. Arthur will have delivered it to Nerida at the Museum by now.
Oh dear. That is not quite what has happened. Let us hope that something comes up which sends Gaius off on a tangent.
Ring ring! That's his phone. This could be it now.
Monday, May 4, 2015
Without Torture No Science
In the Low Down.
Arthur is moodily drinking cold drip and eating his muffin.
Aleksander wonders if now is a good time to ask:
May I look at your skewer?
All right, says Arthur.
Aleksander likes the look of the skewer
He sniffs it.
Sniiffff. Mm. He also likes the marine smell of the skewer.
I was thinking, says Arthur, of making it look like a prayer stick with feathers.
I have feathers, says Aleksander.
On you? says Arthur.
No, says Aleksander. Back at the theatre. Want to come with me?
Okay, says Arthur. He has nothing better to do until Gaius and Sweezus turn up, which could be as late as tomorrow.
Are you in a play? asks Arthur, as they walk down Hay Street.
A ballet, says Aleksander. I'm with the Moscow Ballet. We're performing Sleeping Beauty tonight. I should NOT have had that muffin.
Sleeping Beauty, says Arthur, I know that one. Do you play the prince?
No such luck, says Aleksander. Just a courtier. Here we are. Let's go round the back.
They enter the Regent Theatre through a low dirty doorway. Aleksander leads the way to the costume department.
A bony hand reaches out to grab Arthur.
.........
It's the hand of the evil fairy Carabosse.
Not really her. And the hand is not really bony, just painted with greasepaint.
Excellent work, Aleksander, says the evil fairy Carabosse.
Without torture no science, says Aleksander.
Arthur rightly supposes that this is an old Russian aphorism.
The spindle! says Carabosse. Hand it over.
Does she mean that she wants to have a look at the skewer?
Yes. And she doesn't wait to be given it.
Perfect, says the evil fairy Carabosse. What do you want for it?
Feathers, says Arthur. I was lured here by the promise of feathers.
Feathers! We have plenty of feathers, cackles Carabosse. Take your pick, boy!
Arthur picks out a red and a black one.
Deal, says Arthur. I guess you've lost your one.
Quite right, says Carabosse. You've saved our bacon. Princess can't die without a spindle. And this is the deadliest one I've seen in all my days of touring.
Will I get it back? says Arthur. Because if not, there's no point having the feathers.
No, you won't, says Aleksander. But we have a whole pile of steel knitting needles. And you can have as many as you like.
No, says Carabosse. Not that many. We need them for the Confiscation of Sharp Pointy Objects Scene. He can just have a handful.
This seems like a good deal to Arthur. Steel knitting needles. A handful. As well as the feathers.
Good luck with the performance, says Arthur.
Would you like a free ticket? asks Aleksander.
Thanks, says Arthur, thinking perhaps he can sell it.
Arthur is moodily drinking cold drip and eating his muffin.
Aleksander wonders if now is a good time to ask:
May I look at your skewer?
All right, says Arthur.
Aleksander likes the look of the skewer
He sniffs it.
Sniiffff. Mm. He also likes the marine smell of the skewer.
I was thinking, says Arthur, of making it look like a prayer stick with feathers.
I have feathers, says Aleksander.
On you? says Arthur.
No, says Aleksander. Back at the theatre. Want to come with me?
Okay, says Arthur. He has nothing better to do until Gaius and Sweezus turn up, which could be as late as tomorrow.
Are you in a play? asks Arthur, as they walk down Hay Street.
A ballet, says Aleksander. I'm with the Moscow Ballet. We're performing Sleeping Beauty tonight. I should NOT have had that muffin.
Sleeping Beauty, says Arthur, I know that one. Do you play the prince?
No such luck, says Aleksander. Just a courtier. Here we are. Let's go round the back.
They enter the Regent Theatre through a low dirty doorway. Aleksander leads the way to the costume department.
A bony hand reaches out to grab Arthur.
.........
It's the hand of the evil fairy Carabosse.
Not really her. And the hand is not really bony, just painted with greasepaint.
Excellent work, Aleksander, says the evil fairy Carabosse.
Without torture no science, says Aleksander.
Arthur rightly supposes that this is an old Russian aphorism.
The spindle! says Carabosse. Hand it over.
Does she mean that she wants to have a look at the skewer?
Yes. And she doesn't wait to be given it.
Perfect, says the evil fairy Carabosse. What do you want for it?
Feathers, says Arthur. I was lured here by the promise of feathers.
Feathers! We have plenty of feathers, cackles Carabosse. Take your pick, boy!
Arthur picks out a red and a black one.
Deal, says Arthur. I guess you've lost your one.
Quite right, says Carabosse. You've saved our bacon. Princess can't die without a spindle. And this is the deadliest one I've seen in all my days of touring.
Will I get it back? says Arthur. Because if not, there's no point having the feathers.
No, you won't, says Aleksander. But we have a whole pile of steel knitting needles. And you can have as many as you like.
No, says Carabosse. Not that many. We need them for the Confiscation of Sharp Pointy Objects Scene. He can just have a handful.
This seems like a good deal to Arthur. Steel knitting needles. A handful. As well as the feathers.
Good luck with the performance, says Arthur.
Would you like a free ticket? asks Aleksander.
Thanks, says Arthur, thinking perhaps he can sell it.
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Appetite Comes With Eating
There is nothing like eating tuna sandwiches on a boat to make you rethink your proclivities.
Now Sweezus feels like a prick.
So what if a dead sea dragon is easier to handle?
The sea dragon had one life and now Sweezus has snuffed it.
On the locker, Baby Pierre strokes the dead sea dragon.
Some red dye comes off on his finger.
He uses it to colour his drawing, so it looks true to life.
........
Gaius is spending the morning with Ted and Sylvia, under their awning.
When Sweezus returns from his sail, we must think of going, says Gaius.
Oh really? says Sylvia Plath. Do have a cookie.
What about me? asks Ted Hughes.
Here, says Sylvia Plath.
Gaius tries again. He is not good at hinting.
Of course normally, Arthur organises our travel arrangements, says Gaius.
Thanks, honey, says Ted Hughes, looking anything but thankful.
But Arthur had to leave early, says Gaius. It leaves us with a dilemma.
One of these days, Ted, says Sylvia, icily.
Ted chomps down hard on a cookie.
.........
The Georgette has been dragged up the boat ramp by the Dempsters and onto a vehicle.
Is this goodbye? says Mary-Emily.
I guess so, says Sweezus. Thanks for this morning.
We're heading back to Esperance shortly, says Andrew. Would you and your natural historian friend like a lift?
Yes we would, says Baby Pierre.
Ha ha, laughs Mary-Margaret. That's so cute. Baby Pierre, the natural historian!
Baby Pierre grits his teeth and closes the notebook, a little too early, causing smudging.
That would be awesome! says Sweezus. Thanks guys!
........
Afternoon.
The Dempsters, Sweezus, Gaius, Ageless, Baby Pierre, Kobo and Brianna are driving back towards Esperance, in the Dempsters' Toyota.
Gaius is in a good mood.
He is looking through the pages in his notebook that Baby Pierre has completed.
Nature is profligate, says Gaius. That's a good one.
Do you know what it means? asks Baby Pierre.
Certainly, says Gaius. Nature produces an excess of everything, because much will be wasted. Take sperm for example.
The male Dempsters shift in their seats.
.........
Evening. Arthur and Ferdy have arrived in the Perth CBD.
Well, this is it, says Ferdy. Where'll I drop you?
The Backpackers, says Arthur. No, not the Backpackers.
Where then? asks Ferdy.
Just let me off here, says Arthur.
Okay, says Ferdy. See you around, yeah?
Sure, says Arthur. Good bye.
You forgot this, says Ferdy, holding out the skewer-cum-prayer stick.
Thanks, says Arthur.
Ferdy drives off, and Arthur goes into a coffee shop, the Low Down, with the sea dragon's snout and black eyeball on the end of his skewer.
He sits down at a table, and twiddles the skewer.
Not having coffee? says someone.
I'm thinking, says Arthur.
Can I get you one? asks the person.
Sure, says Arthur. Cold drip, thanks.
The person raises his eyebrows and goes over to order.
He comes back with two muffins.
Shouldn't be eating this, says Aleksander. But appetite comes with eating.
Now Sweezus feels like a prick.
So what if a dead sea dragon is easier to handle?
The sea dragon had one life and now Sweezus has snuffed it.
On the locker, Baby Pierre strokes the dead sea dragon.
Some red dye comes off on his finger.
He uses it to colour his drawing, so it looks true to life.
........
Gaius is spending the morning with Ted and Sylvia, under their awning.
When Sweezus returns from his sail, we must think of going, says Gaius.
Oh really? says Sylvia Plath. Do have a cookie.
What about me? asks Ted Hughes.
Here, says Sylvia Plath.
Gaius tries again. He is not good at hinting.
Of course normally, Arthur organises our travel arrangements, says Gaius.
Thanks, honey, says Ted Hughes, looking anything but thankful.
But Arthur had to leave early, says Gaius. It leaves us with a dilemma.
One of these days, Ted, says Sylvia, icily.
Ted chomps down hard on a cookie.
.........
The Georgette has been dragged up the boat ramp by the Dempsters and onto a vehicle.
Is this goodbye? says Mary-Emily.
I guess so, says Sweezus. Thanks for this morning.
We're heading back to Esperance shortly, says Andrew. Would you and your natural historian friend like a lift?
Yes we would, says Baby Pierre.
Ha ha, laughs Mary-Margaret. That's so cute. Baby Pierre, the natural historian!
Baby Pierre grits his teeth and closes the notebook, a little too early, causing smudging.
That would be awesome! says Sweezus. Thanks guys!
........
Afternoon.
The Dempsters, Sweezus, Gaius, Ageless, Baby Pierre, Kobo and Brianna are driving back towards Esperance, in the Dempsters' Toyota.
Gaius is in a good mood.
He is looking through the pages in his notebook that Baby Pierre has completed.
Nature is profligate, says Gaius. That's a good one.
Do you know what it means? asks Baby Pierre.
Certainly, says Gaius. Nature produces an excess of everything, because much will be wasted. Take sperm for example.
The male Dempsters shift in their seats.
.........
Evening. Arthur and Ferdy have arrived in the Perth CBD.
Well, this is it, says Ferdy. Where'll I drop you?
The Backpackers, says Arthur. No, not the Backpackers.
Where then? asks Ferdy.
Just let me off here, says Arthur.
Okay, says Ferdy. See you around, yeah?
Sure, says Arthur. Good bye.
You forgot this, says Ferdy, holding out the skewer-cum-prayer stick.
Thanks, says Arthur.
Ferdy drives off, and Arthur goes into a coffee shop, the Low Down, with the sea dragon's snout and black eyeball on the end of his skewer.
He sits down at a table, and twiddles the skewer.
Not having coffee? says someone.
I'm thinking, says Arthur.
Can I get you one? asks the person.
Sure, says Arthur. Cold drip, thanks.
The person raises his eyebrows and goes over to order.
He comes back with two muffins.
Shouldn't be eating this, says Aleksander. But appetite comes with eating.
Saturday, May 2, 2015
A Dead One Is Easier To Handle
Sweezus can see the Georgette just above him.
Blee-oosh! His head breaks the surface. Water runs off it.
There he is! says Mary-Emily. Eeuw! What have you got there?
Sweezus takes the second most massive breath he has ever taken, before answering.
Dunno, says Sweezus. He climbs on board the Georgette.
Andrew Dempster bends down to look at the red thing that Sweezus is clutching.
It drips drops of red dye on the deck.
Tch! says Mary-Margaret, fetching a sponge from a locker.
Sweezus looks disappointed. It's just a strip of red paper, disintegrating rapidly.
Baby Pierre looks up from the note book in which he has been writing:
NATURE IS PROFLIGATE
( yes, he can spell)
Is it a ruby sea dragon? asks Baby Pierre, still not quite focused.
I wish, says Sweezus, but no.
That looks like Ageless's submersible, says Baby Pierre, coming closer. After the pirate destroyed it.
That would be THE most awesome coincidence, says Sweezus.
Let me see, says Mary-Emily. It looks like one of those red patty pans they use for the morning tea cupcakes at the Visitor Centre on Woody Island.
(and she would know)
Mary-Margaret leans in closer to look at the patty pan in question.
Yes, she says. There must be plenty of them in the ocean.
Would you mind chucking it overboard, says Ed Dempster. It's making a mess of the deck, and its slippery.
Wait, says Baby Pierre. Don't do it yet. I want to draw it.
Sweezus likes this idea. He holds the red paper out over the ship's rail and squeezes, so it won't drip and annoy all the Dempsters.
Squeeeeze. Drip drip drip. Red drops in the ocean.
Growl.
What was that? And why is it hard in the middle?
He stops squeezing, and places the squeeze-shaped red paper on a locker.
Everyone stares, transfixed, as Sweezus unwraps the paper.
Oh no!
A tiny ruby sea dragon, breathing its last, seconds from expiring.
You killed it, says Baby Pierre. It must have been hiding in the paper.
Sweezus can hardly deny it.
On the other hand, it is a perfectly formed specimen, not like the bodiless one Ageless brought back.
And a dead one is easier to handle.
Mary-Emily opens the tupperware and gets out the tuna sandwiches, of which she has made far too many.
Blee-oosh! His head breaks the surface. Water runs off it.
There he is! says Mary-Emily. Eeuw! What have you got there?
Sweezus takes the second most massive breath he has ever taken, before answering.
Dunno, says Sweezus. He climbs on board the Georgette.
Andrew Dempster bends down to look at the red thing that Sweezus is clutching.
It drips drops of red dye on the deck.
Tch! says Mary-Margaret, fetching a sponge from a locker.
Sweezus looks disappointed. It's just a strip of red paper, disintegrating rapidly.
Baby Pierre looks up from the note book in which he has been writing:
NATURE IS PROFLIGATE
( yes, he can spell)
Is it a ruby sea dragon? asks Baby Pierre, still not quite focused.
I wish, says Sweezus, but no.
That looks like Ageless's submersible, says Baby Pierre, coming closer. After the pirate destroyed it.
That would be THE most awesome coincidence, says Sweezus.
Let me see, says Mary-Emily. It looks like one of those red patty pans they use for the morning tea cupcakes at the Visitor Centre on Woody Island.
(and she would know)
Mary-Margaret leans in closer to look at the patty pan in question.
Yes, she says. There must be plenty of them in the ocean.
Would you mind chucking it overboard, says Ed Dempster. It's making a mess of the deck, and its slippery.
Wait, says Baby Pierre. Don't do it yet. I want to draw it.
Sweezus likes this idea. He holds the red paper out over the ship's rail and squeezes, so it won't drip and annoy all the Dempsters.
Squeeeeze. Drip drip drip. Red drops in the ocean.
Growl.
What was that? And why is it hard in the middle?
He stops squeezing, and places the squeeze-shaped red paper on a locker.
Everyone stares, transfixed, as Sweezus unwraps the paper.
Oh no!
A tiny ruby sea dragon, breathing its last, seconds from expiring.
You killed it, says Baby Pierre. It must have been hiding in the paper.
Sweezus can hardly deny it.
On the other hand, it is a perfectly formed specimen, not like the bodiless one Ageless brought back.
And a dead one is easier to handle.
Mary-Emily opens the tupperware and gets out the tuna sandwiches, of which she has made far too many.
Friday, May 1, 2015
Nature Red And Profligate
On board the Georgette, Baby Pierre is looking up at the sky.
Mary-Emily doesn't like to see anyone idle.
Why don't you write in the notebook? she says. You saw that Cape Barren goose, didn't you?
I'm too sad, says Baby Pierre. And we didn't bring a pencil.
One of those is easily fixed, says Ed Dempster. Here's a pencil.
Thank you, says Baby Pierre.
But why are you sad? asks Mary-Emily. Is your eye hurting?
No, says Baby Pierre. If I tell you, you'll think badly of my daddy.
We already do, says Mary-Margaret. Sometimes it's better to tell good friends your troubles.
Good friends. Baby Pierre likes that. He decides to tell them the Bad Thing.
Ageless ate the ruby sea dragon, says Baby Pierre. Even its tummy.
You mean its brood pouch, says Mary-Emily, shocked.
It must have been a male then, says Andrew Dempster.
Andrew! says Mary-Emily. That's not the point. Baby Pierre is sad because Ageless ate all the babies.
Baby Pierre did not know that.
Yes, says Baby Pierre, pretending he knew it. All the babies. Ageless ruined our mission.
It can't be helped now, says Mary-Margaret. Think of it as a lesson.
What is it? asks Baby Pierre.
Nature is profligate, says Mary-Margaret, who has read it somewhere and at last found occasion to say it.
Profligate, says Baby Pierre. What does that mean?
It means wasteful, says Ed Dempster. Nature makes too much of everything.
You only have to look around you, says Mary-Emily.
Baby Pierre looks around him. One blue cloudless sky. One glittering ocean. One Woody Island. One Cape Barren goose. One white breasted sea eagle. One green pencil. (But a pencil's not nature).
Two pairs of Dempsters.
I get it, says Baby Pierre. But he doesn't really. Why make too much of everything?
........
Meanwhile Sweezus is experiencing a similar natural conundrum.
He has reached the sea grass at the bottom. Lots of sea grass. Nature is profligate.
But there is only one ribbony red thing, lodged in amongst it.
He is running out of breath now.
His head is nearly exploding.
But this is something he has to do.
He grabs at the ribbony red thing, which comes away easily. It's soft and slimy and falling apart, except for something hard in the middle.
Sweezus rises, bearing the red thing, as thousands of tiny red particles sink slowly back down to the sea grass.
Mary-Emily doesn't like to see anyone idle.
Why don't you write in the notebook? she says. You saw that Cape Barren goose, didn't you?
I'm too sad, says Baby Pierre. And we didn't bring a pencil.
One of those is easily fixed, says Ed Dempster. Here's a pencil.
Thank you, says Baby Pierre.
But why are you sad? asks Mary-Emily. Is your eye hurting?
No, says Baby Pierre. If I tell you, you'll think badly of my daddy.
We already do, says Mary-Margaret. Sometimes it's better to tell good friends your troubles.
Good friends. Baby Pierre likes that. He decides to tell them the Bad Thing.
Ageless ate the ruby sea dragon, says Baby Pierre. Even its tummy.
You mean its brood pouch, says Mary-Emily, shocked.
It must have been a male then, says Andrew Dempster.
Andrew! says Mary-Emily. That's not the point. Baby Pierre is sad because Ageless ate all the babies.
Baby Pierre did not know that.
Yes, says Baby Pierre, pretending he knew it. All the babies. Ageless ruined our mission.
It can't be helped now, says Mary-Margaret. Think of it as a lesson.
What is it? asks Baby Pierre.
Nature is profligate, says Mary-Margaret, who has read it somewhere and at last found occasion to say it.
Profligate, says Baby Pierre. What does that mean?
It means wasteful, says Ed Dempster. Nature makes too much of everything.
You only have to look around you, says Mary-Emily.
Baby Pierre looks around him. One blue cloudless sky. One glittering ocean. One Woody Island. One Cape Barren goose. One white breasted sea eagle. One green pencil. (But a pencil's not nature).
Two pairs of Dempsters.
I get it, says Baby Pierre. But he doesn't really. Why make too much of everything?
........
Meanwhile Sweezus is experiencing a similar natural conundrum.
He has reached the sea grass at the bottom. Lots of sea grass. Nature is profligate.
But there is only one ribbony red thing, lodged in amongst it.
He is running out of breath now.
His head is nearly exploding.
But this is something he has to do.
He grabs at the ribbony red thing, which comes away easily. It's soft and slimy and falling apart, except for something hard in the middle.
Sweezus rises, bearing the red thing, as thousands of tiny red particles sink slowly back down to the sea grass.
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