Life's Bumpy Adventure

It's five minutes to seven.

The audience is arriving, and choosing their seats.

What's this show? whispers someone.

Candide, answers their companion.

Again? 

A different part, says the companion.

My seat's wobbly, says the first someone.

Ground's not level, says the companion.

Seven o'clock.

Vello strides onto the stage. He is wearing purple shorts and a black tee shirt.

Greetings people! says Vello. Welcome to our show. This year we are proud to present an excerpt from Candide, chosen at random by the King of Eldorado.

Ha ha! laugh one or two people.

An excerpt from the middle of the story, says Vello. In which there is little action, but much philosophy.

Boo! shouts someone. 

Think on this, says Vello. If you landed in such a place as is about to be depicted, would you choose to stay and be happy? Or would you leave and continue life's bumpy adventure?

Leave? shouts someone else. Would we get our money back?

You mistake our genre, says Vello. This is not a mere  comedy.

It's billed as a comedy, says a woman in the front row.

I'm not saying it doesn't have funny parts, says Vello. There are Spanish jokes, for instance.

Belle is watching from the side, in her beautiful costume. 

She runs on.

And we'll be giving out seeds at the end, says Belle. 

She walks off.

Vello smiles as he watches the audience settle.

Free seeds. Yes.  If Arthur has got them wrapped up.

So, sit back and enjoy the show, says Vello. 

He withdraws. 

A long pause.

A rushing sound, as of rushing water.

Candide and Cacambo stagger on stage, shaking themselves, as if wet.

Twenty four hours following an underground stream! moans Candide. And now our small craft is dashed to pieces. Where are we?

I don't know, says Cacambo. But I see some children!

Several gold-painted megalodon teeth roll onto the stage, and stop in the middle.

Terence and Hedley, wearing normal kid shorts, run up behind them.

Hola! Hola! shouts Terence.

Hola! shouts Hedley.

Terence kicks a megalodon tooth, towards Hedley.

Hedley adroitly avoids it.

It stops at the feet of Candide.

Candide picks it up and examines it.

It's a gold nugget! says Candide. These must be royal children.

A bell rings.

Terence and Hedley run off.

Candide and Cacambo pick up the rest of the teeth.

You missed one! shouts someone in the audience.

Candide looks around. Have they missed one?

Shit! It's the pebble that Gaius glued to Terence's big toe. So much for his fish glue.

What to do?

Cacambo picks up the pebble. 

An emerald! says Cacambo. What a find. This country must be fabulously wealthy if they leave such valuables lying around.

Yeah, says Candide, forgetting to stay in character.

I see an inn, says Cacambo. Let us see if we can get something to eat. We can use these gold nuggets as payment.

An excellent idea, says Candide, now back in character.

They exit stage right.

Terence enters, stage left. 

My toe! cries Terence. It's missing!

Did it look like a pebble? asks someone in the front row. 

Yes! cries Terence.

They took it, says the person.

They weren't supposed to! says Terence.

Was it supposed to come off? asks the person.

No! wails Terence.

Terence! hisses a voice from stage right. Come off !

Terence leaves the stage, hobbling theatrically.

The audience claps. 

It is kind of funny.

The Shortcut Illusion

Arthur has thought of a shortcut.

Vello is standing around looking edgy.

First night nerves? says Arthur.

Just working on my introduction, says Vello. Have you wrapped up the beans?

I thought you might help, says Arthur. It'll be relaxing

No it won't, says Vello. It's your job. Just do it.

So much for the shortcut.

But why wrap them up?

Why not just jumble the seeds and beans all together in a box and invite the audience to take one bean and one nasturtium?

Sorted.

Except for the box.

Dart Blaster guy probably has empty boxes.

Arthur goes back to the Dart Blaster Arena.

Dart Blaster guy is just closing up.

Got any empty boxes? asks Arthur.

A few, says Dart Blaster guy. 

Can I have one? asks Arthur.

Sure, says Dart Blaster guy. And hey, is this your bicycle?

No, says Arthur. It belongs to Pierre-Louis. He's doing the show after us.

What is it? asks Dart Blaster guy.

How The Princple of Least Action Made Me What I Am, says Arthur. Performed on this bike. 

It's a cool bike, says Dart Blaster guy. 

Used to be Schopenhauer's says Arthur. He had it made specially. 

San Marco saddle, says Dart Blaster guy. Ass Saver Mudguards. Knog lights! 

The best part, says Arthur, is that when you ride it you have these extraneous thoughts.

What's so great about that? asks Dart Blaster guy.

Try it, says Arthur.

It's padlocked to the fence, says Dart Blaster guy.

You can still get your leg over, says Arthur.

Dart Blaster guy tries.

He is now sitting on the San Marco saddle.

Will he have extraneous thoughts?

Getting any? asks Arthur.

Dart Blaster guy closes his eyes. 

Lobster Thermidor pie, says Dart Blaster guy.

Anything else? asks Arthur.

Nut and herb crumble, says Dart Blaster guy. 

Weird, says Arthur. 

What's weird? says Dart Blaster guy. The world is illusion.

That's more like it, says Arthur. 

Dart Blaster guy gets off.

What was all that stuff? asks Dart Blaster guy.

Buddhist thought, says Arthur. Schopenhauer was into it.

Lobster pie and nut crumble? says Dart Blaster guy.

And good food, says Arthur.

Dart Blaster guy is impressed.

Bean And Seed Visible

 'Soy busy'. 

At least Dart Blaster guy got the joke.

And he appears to have forgotten the twelve missing darts.

Which were not Arthur's problem in the first place.

Arthur heads back to where Hedley is counting out seeds, and Terence is tearing the brown paper bag into smaller and smaller pieces.

How many seeds in each packet? asks Arthur.

Six, says Hedley. Three beans and three nasturtiums.

Hear that, Terence, says Arthur. Three beans and three nasturtiums. What does that tell you?

Hedley's done a good job of counting, says Terence.

Thanks, says Hedley. 

Anything else? asks Arthur, picking up a random small piece of brown paper.

I'm doing a good job too, says Terence. See all this paper?

Each piece of paper has to be big enough to wrap up six seeds, says Arthur.

Okay, says Terence.

Try it, says Arthur.

Terence picks up a bean.

Remember which pile it came from, says Hedley.

The pile with one missing, says Terence. 

Hedley keeps an eye on the pile with one missing, in case Terence forgets.

Terence wraps up the bean.

One bean, says Arthur. Now unwrap it.

Terence unwraps the bean.

Try two beans, says Arthur.

It is now that Terence realises he has torn up the brown paper until the squares are too small.

Wah! says Terence. Can we start again?

Too late! says Arthur. Show starts in half an hour.

Try one bean and one nasturtium, says Hedley.

Terence tries one bean and one nasturtium.

The paper almost closes around them.

Twist the ends, says Arthur. No, don't. Give it here. I'll do it.

He tries twisting the ends of the paper, but this only opens a gap in the centre, through which the bean and seed are now visible. However, if the twist of paper is held gap-side up, they stay in.

Decision time, says Arthur. One or two?

Two, says Terence.

One, says Hedley.

I'll leave it to you, says Arthur. I've got to get into my costume. And hurry up. You do too.

We're in our costume, says Terence.

That's your sheep costume, says Arthur. In scene one you're the children. They don't have red tails.

How fortunate it is that Belle turns up right now.

What are you doing? says Belle. Get out of those sheep shorts and into your children costumes! 

They haven't wrapped up the seeds yet, says Arthur.

You do it, says Belle. You're not on till scene three.

So Arthur ends up having to do it.

Knowing Arthur, he'll think of a shortcut.

What The Sauce Said

Arthur is searching for lost Nerf darts, in the grass.

He has already found seven.

He takes them to the Dart Blaster entrance.

Here, says Arthur. Your lost darts.

The Dart Blaster guy counts them.

Seven? There's nineteen missing

Nineteen minus seven, says Arthur.

Okay, so twelve, says the guy. Keep looking.

I'm kind of busy, says Arthur. Our show starts in an hour.

What is it? asks the Dart Blaster Guy.

What They Saw In The Country of Eldorado, says Arthur.

Terrible title, says Dart Blaster guy.

I didn't invent it, says Arthur.

Are you in it?

Yes, says Arthur. I'm playing the King of Eldorado. I'm supposed to be witty in Spanish.

That's risky, says Dart Blaster guy. The audience might not get it.

I keep it simple, says Arthur.

Run a joke past me, says Dart Blaster guy. 

No, says Arthur. Come and see it. It starts at seven.

I might still be working, says Dart Blaster guy.

Okay, says Arthur. Imagine this dart is a sauce bottle.

He addresses the sauce bottle.

Quièn eres?

What does that mean? asks Dart Blaster guy. See, mate? I'm lost already.

What are you? says Arthur.

Lost already, says Dart Blaster guy.

I was asking the sauce, says Arthur. Quièn eres means 'what are you?' in Spanish.

I guess a king talking to a sauce bottle could be funny, says Dart Blaster guy.

You haven't heard the punch line, says Arthur.

Wait a sec, says Dart Blaster guy. Got some customers.

He checks the tickets of several children and shows them the Dart Blasters and the darts, of which there are plenty.

Go for it kids! says Dart Blaster guy. You have twenty minutes!

Now, he says turning to Arthur. What's the punch line?

Arthur holds up his dart, which is doubling as an imaginary sauce bottle.

Soy sauce, says Arthur, in the sticky brown voice he invented.

Either Dart Blaster guy has forgotten the opening question (quièn eres?) or he doesn't realise that the answer is in a mixture of Spanish and English (soy sauce).

He looks blank. 

Soy sauce, says Arthur. Meaning, I am sauce. And there's another good joke about a vanishing Peruvian magician. So, are you coming?

Don't think so, says Dart Blaster guy. Soy busy.

Nineteen Lost Darts

Terence and Hedley are in trouble.

They have not aimed their darts at the targets attached to the camouflage fencing.

They have aimed at one another.

Which is not allowed.

Furthermore most of their darts have flown over the camouflage fencing and landed outside the arena, no one knows where.

The Dart Blaster guy is insisting they find and return them.

Don't worry, says Hedley's mother. They'll return them.

Hedley and Terence are now searching through the grass.

Arthur has returned with the dried beans from Gaius's kitchen.

Help us, says Terence. We can't find our darts.

What kind of darts are they? asks Arthur.

Shooting ones, says Terence.

Sharp ones? asks Arthur.

No, says Hedley. They're toy ones, made out of of foam.

Nerf darts? says Arthur. Is this one of them?

Yes! says Terence. Now you just have to find twenty more.

Nineteen, says Hedley.

You think you're so good at maths, says Terence.

He probably is, says Arthur. 

Arthur goes up to Gaius, with a brown paper bag which is full of dried beans.

Are these them? asks Arthur.

Of course they are, says Gaius. Well done. Did you lock the front door?

Sure, says Arthur. Now what?

I suppose we'll need to divide them into small packets, says Gaius. Go and see Vello.

Arthur goes over to where Vello is sitting on the upturned ready-made basket.

Beans, says Arthur. 

Nasturtiums, says Vello.

Is this a game? asks Arthur.

No, says Vello. What suits our brand best, beans or nasturtiums?

Arthur likes this kind of question

Well, says Arthur, beans mean business, nasturtiums are showy. So it depends which aspect you want to emphasise.

Hum, says Vello. We'll mix them. Can I trust you to do it? 

How many in each packet? asks Arthur. And where are the packets?

We don't have any packets, says Vello. Use squares cut from the brown paper bag and twisted. Count the number of dried beans and nasturtium seeds we have and divide them equally into ...let's say... a hundred odd packets.

Arthur may have liked the question, but he doesn't like the answer.

Okay, says Arthur.

He heads straight back to Hedley.

You're good at maths, says Arthur. How would you like to help put all these beans and seeds into packets?

What about me? asks Terence.

You can make the packets, says Arthur.

Okay, says Terence. If you find the darts.

How many have you found now? asks Arthur.

Only this one, says Hedley. 

So Arthur has to find nineteen lost darts.

But it's still a good deal.

Red Willy

Vello walks across to the Dart Blaster entrance.

Are you open this evening? asks Vello.

Depends, says the guy in the Dart Blaster tee shirt.

He starts setting his Dart Blasters up, on a low table.

On what? asks Vello.

Crowd numbers, says the Dart Blaster guy.

And how noisy is it? asks Vello.

Gets pretty noisy sometimes, says Dart Blaster. Want a go?

No thanks, says Vello. 

Can I have a go? asks Terence, who has followed Vello to the gate of the arena.

Not open yet, says Dart Blaster guy. Come back in ten minutes.

Yay! says Terence.

He runs back to tell Hedley.

Yay! says Hedley.

Before you go anywhere, says Belle, I want you to try on these red sheep shorts I've knitted.

Knitted? says Terence.

Knitted! says Hedley. 

Belle takes the red knitted shorts from the bag.

She holds one pair of shorts up. Then she turns it, to reveal a short woolly tail.

Is that the front? asks Hedley.

It's a red willy! laughs Terence. 

It's the tail, says Belle, and you must wear the tail at the back.

Okay, says Terence. trying on his red knitted sheep shorts with the tail at the back.

Try yours on, Hedley, says Hedley's mother.

Hedley is over-excited and tries his on backwards, for fun.

Not funny, Hedley, says Hedley's mother. But the shorts do fit nicely.

Thank you, says Belle.

Can we go now? asks Terence.

Where? asks Belle.

To the Dart Blaster arena, says Hedley. The man said he'd give us a go.

All right, says Hedley's mother. But I'm coming with you and if it's too violent you're coming straight back.

Aw, says Hedley. 

He and Terence dash off to the entrance, still in their red shorts.

Hedley's mother is about to follow when Vello calls her back.

I don't suppose you've remembered the seeds? says Vello.

Of course I've remembered, says Hedley's mother. 

She opens her bag and takes out several envelopes marked with the names of the seeds inside. Nasturtiums.

All nasturtiums? asks Vello.

Yes, says Hedley's mother, handing him the envelopes before hurrying to the Dart Blaster arena to check on the boys.

Nasturtiums! says Vello.

What's wrong with nasturtiums? asks David. They're quite attractive. And edible.

But do they fit our brand? mutters Vello.

Gaius offered dried beans, says David. And you didn't mind that. Do they fit our brand?

Vello sits down on the upturned ready-made basket.

And thinks about brands.

And Hedley's mother, and her nasturtiums.

From the other side of the camouflage fence he hears: Pew-pew! Gotcha! Pew-pew! Arrgh!

And Hedley's mother, shouting: Hedley! Stop right there!

A Big Box Of Blasters

Afternoon.

Vello and David are inspecting the Piglet.

It's going to be hot, says David.

It is, says Vello. But it will be cooler this evening.

What time's our show? asks David.

Seven, says Vello. 

Pierre-Louis arrives on his bike.

Bonjour! says Pierre Louis. Inspecting the venue?

Yes, says Vello. When are you on? 

Eight fifteen says Pierre-Louis. Can I ask you a favour?

Ask away, says Vello.

I'm planning to leave my bicycle back stage, says Pierre-Louis. Could you keep an eye on it?

No, says Vello. You see how little room there is. We have scenery, costumes and ladders.

Not to mention a rope and pulley, says David. And the basket.

Well, I'm leaving it anyway, says Pierre-Louis. I'll padlock it to this camouflage fencing. 

What is this camouflage fencing? asks Vello.

I'll have a look behind it, says David.

He goes to the edge of the fencing.

And comes back.

It's the Dart Blaster Arena, says David. 

Curses! says Vello. We were not told we would be directly in front of the Dart Blaster Arena.

Belle arrives with a huge bag of costumes.

What's up? Why are you looking like that?

This, says Vello, indicating the camouflage fencing, is the Dart Blaster Arena.

O what fun, says Belle. Terence and Hedley will love it.

It had better not be open this evening, says Vello.

I'm sure it won't be, says Belle. Where do you want these costumes?

Behind the black curtain, says Vello.

Belle dumps the costumes behind the black curtain.

Who's staying to look after our stuff?

We're staying until Gaius and the lads get here with the scenery, says Vello. Good, here they are now.

Gaius, Arthur and Sweezus arrive with the scenery and ladders, and the ready-made basket.

Props? asks Vello.

What props? asks Sweezus. Shit, where are the gold nuggets!

In my pocket, says Gaius. And Terence and Hedley will be along later with Hedley's mother. They'll be bringing two drink bottles filled with water.

For squirting? says Belle. Great idea!

And seeds, says Sweezus.

Seeds? says Vello. 

Yeah, if we give out seeds at the end, says Sweezus, it'll be kind of like a reminder of the message of Candide.

Optimism is foolish, says Vello.

Look after your garden, says Sweezus.

They are both lovely messages, sasys Belle. What seeds are they bringing?

Hedley's mother said she'd take care of it, says Sweezus.

Hum, says Vello. 

I have some dried beans at home, says Gaius. If you don't like what she brings I'll go and get them.

Go and get them anyway, says Vello.

I'll go, says Arthur.

He goes. 

He knows where Gaius's spare key is.

Hedley's mother arrives with Hedley and Terence.

The boys are excited, says Hedley's mother. They found out we're right next to the Dart Blaster Arena.

It's closed, says Vello.

But no sooner has he said it, than someone in a Dart Blaster tee shirt arrives, with a big box of Blasters.

Why Not Give Seeds At The End

Belle returns with a bag full of balls of red wool.

I'm going to have to make the sheep shorts myself, says Belle.

Sweezus stops handing out flyers.

Make them? says Sweezus. Like what, knitting?

Yes, like knitting, says Belle. It won't take that long. I'm a fast knitter. But could you keep Terence and Hedley a bit longer? 

Sure, says Sweezus. 

Hedley's mother will be along in a few minutes, says Belle. 

Cool, says Sweezus.

Belle goes home, to start knitting.

Sweezus continues handing out flyers.

Terence and Hedley are not far away, also handing out flyers.

He moves closer.

Better not let Hedley' mother think her kid's on his own.

Hedley is explaining the plot of Candide to two teenage girls who have stopped to take a flyer.

We go up in a scientific basket, says Hedley.

What's scientific about it? asks the first girl.

The blue rope, says Hedley.

So why do you have to go up in a basket? asks the second girl.

Because we're the sheep, says Hedley.

Sweezus comes over.

That's at the end of the story, says Sweezus. It starts off when Candide and Cacambo arrive in Eldorado and see precious stones and gold nuggets lying on the ground.

And we're kicking them, says Hedley.

Why would sheep do that? asks the first girl.

This kid and that kid there also play the children. says Sweezus. 

He indicates Terence, who is explaining the plot of Candide to a lady.

And at the end we give everyone seeds, says Terence.

How lovely! says the lady. I must come and see it.

Woah-woah-woah! says Sweezus. 

What? says the lady.

No seeds this year, says Sweezus. That was a different excerpt.

What a pity, says the lady. Then I might not come.

You should, says Sweezus. There'll be a few surprises. 

Hmm, says the lady, walking away.

Seeds, says Sweezus, what were you thinking?

I forgot how it ended, says Terence. 

Never mind, says Sweezus. 

What surprises? asks Terence.

I had to say something, says Sweezus. I guess we could give out seeds.

My idea! says Terence. Hey, Hedley!

What? asks Hedley.

We're giving out seeds at the end, shouts Terence.

There is a sudden rush on the flyers.

Just Woolly Trousers

Early next morning, Belle takes Terence and Hedley shopping.

We'll try Target, says Belle.

They go down the escalator to the children's clothing department.

Everyone, look for sheep shorts, says Belle.

She starts looking.

I'm not looking for sheep shorts, says Terence.

Me either, says Hedley. I'm looking for dinosaur shorts.

Me too, says Terence.

Maybe we should look for sheep shorts first, says Hedley. And if we see any we could hide them.

Good plan, says Terence.

So they're all looking for sheep shorts.

But there are no sheep shorts.

We'll have to try somewhere else, says Belle.

They go back up the escalator and out of the shop.

Hey, says Terence. There's Sweezus!

He'll be handing out flyers, says Belle.

Can I help him? asks Terence.

And me? asks Hedley.

Maybe after we've bought the sheep shorts, says Belle.

Found any? asks Sweezus.

Not yet, says Belle. But there's other shops we can try.

They can stay and help me hand out flyers, says Sweezus.

Yay! says Terence.

Hedley's mother mightn't like it, says Belle.

She would like it, says Hedley.

Okay, says Belle. It'll be way more efficient if I go by myself.

Sweezus gives Terence and Hedley each a handful of flyers.

Give these out, says Sweezus. But keep together.

Oh how cute! says the first person to be handed a flyer by Terence. What is this for?

A play, says Terence. We're both in it.

Candide, or What They Saw In The Country Of Eldorado, reads the person. 

We're playing the sheep, says Hedley. 

Sheep? says the person. I'd forgotten sheep were in it.

Yes, says Terence. We'll be wearing a red cardboard sheep's head and dumb old sheep shorts.

But we'd rather wear dinosaur shorts, says Hedley.

A costume needs to be appropriate, says the person. There wouldn't have been dinosaur shorts in those days.

What days? asks Hedley. Dinosaurs are a million years old.

I mean the days of Candide, says the person. It was written in 1758, if I remember. No dinosaur shorts around at that time, I imagine.

What about sheep shorts? asks Terence.

No sheep shorts either, says the person. 

Well, that's good news.

Just woolly trousers, adds the person.

Terence hopes Belle won't come back with woolly trousers.

Sheep Shorts

Is that it? asks Belle. End of rehearsal?

Yes, says Vello. We've made good progress. The scientific machine seems to be working. Right Gaius?

It could lift an elephant, says Gaius. 

Excellent, says Vello, looking at David.

Why look at me? says David. I'm just one of four in the basket.

Terence is pretty heavy, says Belle.

Hedley isn't, says Hedley's mother.

And Sweezus is average, says Belle.

Thanks, says Sweezus.

You know what I mean, says Belle. Okay! Costumes to be tried on tomorrow! Shall we meet here?

No, come to my house, says Gaius. I have a mirror.

Bring a ladder, says Terence.

.......

The next evening, at Gaius's house.

We see why Terence asked for a ladder.

Gaius's mirror is in the bathroom, over the basin, and doesn't show legs or feet.

But the costumes look great.

Belle has made two beautiful cloaks out of blue Spotlight feathers. 

She has finished the double sheep's head with extra red wool dotted with red sequins.

She has produced two lovely dresses for the court ladies. One yellow, one green

An old man suit, for Gaius.

And a glittery costume for Arthur, King of Eldorado,

Arthur tries on his glittery costume. 

Nice fit, says David. It would have been tight on Pierre-Louis.

Arthur goes to look at his top half in Gaius's mirror.

Okay, says Belle. Is everyone happy?

What are Candide and Cacambo wearing under their cloaks? asks Hedley's mother.

Why are you asking? asks Vello.

They are given the cloaks as a gift, says Hedley's mother. So what clothes do they arrive in?

What about me and Hedley? asks Terence. We've only got heads.

I've been a bit pressed for time, says Belle. I think everyone can wear what they like underneath,

Gecko shorts? asks Terence.

Have you got gecko shorts? asks Hedley.

I'm wearing my gecko shorts, says Terence.

Where are the geckoes? asks Hedley.

Terence looks down.

It is true that the geckoes have faded.

Never mind, says Belle. Sheep in gecko shorts would have looked a bit funny.

But you said, says Terence.

I'll buy you some new shorts, says Belle. How about sheep shorts?

If Terence is having sheep shorts, says Hedley's mother, Hedley's having sheep shorts.

Of course he is, says Belle. Tomorrow mornng, first thing, we'll go shopping.

I don't want to wear sheep shorts says Terence.

Me either, says Hedley.

But it's too late now. 

Belle is in charge of the costumes and she has decided on sheep shorts.

But By Jupiter!

That sign may confuse things, says Vello.

Why? asks Terence.

A moth passes, says Vello.

Ha ha, you can't read properly, laughs Terence.

But Hedley can, says Hedley's mother. I'm surprised at you, Hedley.

He did it, says Hedley.

Belle did it, says Terence.

The N's missing, says Vello. No one did it.

Can't argue with that, says David. Give me a pen and I'll fix it.

You should leave it, says Pierre-Louis. It's has comic possibilities.

What would you know? says Vello.

My one man show is a comedy, says Pierre-Louis.

Yeah? says Sweezus. Thought so. The title's heaps funny.

You can have a free ticket, says Pierre-Louis. By the way, are you doing flyers? 

Are we? asks Vello.

Yes, says Belle. But they're not printed yet.

Would you consider a double bill? asks Pierre-Louis. My show is at the same venue.

The Piglet? asks Belle.

Yes, the Piglet, says Pierre-Louis.

The Piglet! says Hedley's mother. Is that the best you can do?

It's cheap, says Vello, and people love to sit in the open.

What if it's hot? asks Hedley's mother.

It matters not, says Vello The show must go on.

Feather cloaks and all, says David.

What about the audience? asks Hedley's mother.

We could squirt them, says Hedley.

Yes! says Terence. We'll squirt them!

My drink bottle squirts, says Hedley, demonstrating a far-reaching squirt with his drink bottle.

Sproooosh! It squirts Gaius, who has been in the background all this time, fiddling with the rope and pulley system.

Gaius doesn't even notice that he has been squirted. 

He has finally figured out how to get the thing working. Someone must stand behind the scenery and pull on the rope which has been passed through the pulley. The other end of the rope must be attached to the ready-made basket, by a hook. There has only been one hook provided. Two hooks would have been better. Perhaps he can get hold of another one. But by Jupiter, what an invention!

A Moth Passes

What next? asks David.

A month passes, says Vello. Perhaps we need some sort of sign.

Me and Hadley'll make it, says Terence.

Excellent, says Vello. There'll be a card and coloured pens in the store room.

I'll take them to the store room, says Belle. 

Belle, Terence and Hedley go to the store room.

A month passes, says David. So this is the scene where we leave Eldorado.

Not yet, says Vello. We must have a scene where you and Candide tell the king why you're going.

Pity Pierre-Louis isn't here, says David. I wonder what's keeping him?

Arthur will continue, says Vello. But no more soy sauce jokes. Begin.

You're going? says Arthur (the king).

Yes, your majesty, says Sweezus (Candide).

Are you unhappy here? asks Arthur (the king).

We are restless spirits, says Sweezus. I must continue my search for Lady Cunégonde. I can never be happy without her.

All we ask, says David (Cacambo), is several sheep loaded with food, and a few of the stones of your country.

It puzzles me why you value our stones, says Arthur. But if you are set on leaving, I will order our engineers to make a machine for hoisting you out of Eldorado.

Da-dah! says Vello. Very good Arthur. I've a good mind to cast you as the king and do without Pierre-Louis.

Yes! Why not? says Belle, coming out of the store room. Audiences love Arthur.

Do they? says Arthur.

You know they do, says Belle. Remember when you played Costa a few years ago?

Yeah, says Sweezus. You were heaps popular.

Okay, says Arthur. I'll do it.

The door opens. Pierre-Louis come in.

Sorry I'm late. I have something to tell you, says Pierre-Louis. And you may not like it.

Spit it out, says Vello.

I'm unable to play the king, says Pierre-Louis, because I'm putting on my own one man show. 

Good of you to tell us, says Vello. What is it?

How The Principle of Least Action Made Me What I Am, says Pierre-Louis. I perform it on a bicycle.

Good luck with that, says Vello.

On a bicycle? says David. How will that work?

You see? says Pierre-Louis. You find it intriguing. 

David might, but I don't, says Vello. You could have told us before. But I suppose Least Action forbids it.

Don't mind him, says Belle. Good luck with your show. Arthur will play the king. He already made up a great sauce joke.

Soy sauce, says Arthur, in the sauce voice.

Sweezus cracks up.

Of course, Pierre-Louis doesn't get it.

Terence and Hedley come out of the store room. The sign is finished.

It reads, mysteriously: A MOTH PASSES.

No Sauce In The Novel

The banquet table isn't horizontal, says David.

It doesn't matter, says Vello. There's nothing on it. Begin, Arthur. 

Welcome, visitors, says Arthur-king of Eldorado. 

Thank you most kindly, says David-Cacambo.  I believe it is customary to embrace you and kiss you on both cheeks.

Just do it, says Arthur-king of Eldorado. 

Sweezus and David embrace and kiss Arthur, on both cheeks.

That's enough, says Arthur-king of Eldorado. Please be seated, next to these beautiful ladies.

Are we supposed to be seated already? asks Belle.

Yes, says Vello. Just squat.

Everyone squats round the table.

And how do you find our country? asks Arthur-king of Eldorado.

Amazing, says Sweezus-Candide. There is only one simple religion, no priests, no need for law courts, and no prisons. You have estabished a Palace of Science. There are fountains of rosewater, in public squares, paving stones smelling of cinnamon and cloves, and children play football with gold nuggets.

You find it pleasant? asks Arthur-king of Eldorado. 

Yes, says Sweezus-Candide.

Of course, we who live here are used to it, says Hedley's mother. When is the food coming?

Right now, dear lady, says Arthur-king of Eldorado. He plonks an imaginary sauce bottle on the table.

See this sauce bottle? says Arthur-king of Eldorado. 

Vello is about to interrupt. There is no sauce bottle on the table in his novel. 

But Arthur is addressing the sauce bottle, in a kingly voice.

Quièn eres? asks Arthur-king of Eldorado.

A pause for effect.

Then Arthur-king of Eldorado answers, in the voice of the sauce bottle ( brown and sticky):

Soy sauce.

No one laughs, until Sweezus-Candide does.

Ha ha, your majesty, very witty.

It is, says Arthur-king of Eldorado. but you have to know Spanish.

That's why my joke is better, says Hedley's mother. You don't need to know Spanish.

I'm just filling in for Pierre-Louis,  says Arthur. 

Yes, it doesn't matter, says Vello. But would you care to explain it in English?

Quièn eres means what are you, says Arthur. And soy sauce means I am sauce.

Soy sauce, says David. Is sauce the same word in Spanish and English?

No. Sauce is salsa in Spanish, says Hedley's mother.

Nevertheless I like Arthur's joke, says Vello. We must find a way to use it.

Muchas gracias, says Arthur-king of Eldorado.

The Apple Stayed In

Without a tres, says Vello. That is very witty. 

I knew you'd like it, says Hedley's mother. 

Can we get out of the box yet? asks Hedley.

Yes, of course, says Hedley's mother. After this you'll need some hydration.

I need some hydration, says Terence.

Hedley's mother lifts the red sheep's head from Terence and Hedley.

Then she lifts both of them out.

She gives Hedley a drink bottle with his name on it: HEDLEY.

What's in it? asks Terence.

Water, says Hedley. That's all I'm allowed.

Here, Terence, says Belle. Have a Ribena.

Do you know how much sugar is in a Ribena? asks Hedley's mother.

A lot, says Belle. But it won't affect him. 

I had an apple once, says Terence. And it stayed in me.

Oh, says Hedley's mother.

Enough of this digestive nonsense, says Vello. Where's Pierre-Louis? We're about to rehearse the king's banquet.

Are we in it? asks Terence.

Why would sheep be at a banquet? asks Vello.

On the menu, says Hedley.

Hedley! says Hedley's mother.

It's a reasonable answer, says Vello. But there are no sheep at the table. Only the king, Candide, Cacambo and several court ladies.

We could be them, says Terence.

I'm not wearing a dress, says Hedley.

We'd be tied up, says Terence. 

Court ladies, not caught ladies, says Belle. Although I suppose there may not have been all that much difference.

What this play needs, says Hedley's mother, is real ladies, not boys in disguise.

Yes, says Belle. You and I could be court ladies.

But I've never acted, says Hedley's mother. 

Oh, come on, says Belle. It'll be fun. You won't have to say anything, just laugh at the witticisms.

Which I provided, says Hedley's mother.

So how about it? says Belle.

Vello foresees trouble. However, it's always good to have ladies. 

And he has other problems. Pierre-Louis has not yet turned up, and will not know his lines.

Arthur, says Vello. Would you play the king temporarily?

Sure, says Arthur. 

How about we use the extra panel as a table? asks Belle. We could balance it between two of the ladders.

I'll help, says Terence.

Me too, says Hedley.

It's nice that they both want to help,

And it doesn't really matter that the banquet table ends up not horizontal.

The Beauty Of It

Another delay! mutters Vello.

Don't worry boss, says Sweezus. We're picking them up.

Gaius has picked up a handful of feathers.

He hands them to Arthur.

Arthur gives them to Belle, who stuffs them back into the popped plastic bag.

It wasn't my fault, says Terence.

That's one way of looking at it, says Belle.

Where do you want the ladder? asks Hedley's mother.

Over there, says Vello. Sweezus can work out its function.

No worries, says Sweezus. 

Meanwhile we have an extra panel to play with, says David. The Bunnings man gave Vello a ready-made basket.

Cool, says Sweezus. Reckon we'll all fit in it?

Try, says Vello.

Sweezus climbs in. David next. 

Now me and Hedley! says Terence.

Should they be wearing their red sheep's heads? asks Hedley's mother. 

Good point, says Vello. Where are they?

Belle places the twin red sheep's heads over Terence and Hedley.

Shouldn't they be lifted in first? asks Hedley's mother.

Yeah they should, says Sweezus. Sheep can't climb in by themselves.

He climbs out and lifts the two conjoined sheep into the basket. 

Then he climbs back in.

How is it? asks Vello.

A bit tight, says David. 

Our head's jammed, says Terence. We can't move up or down.

They need to be free to move up, says Vello. They have to be seen. 

Sweezus manoevres the head up so that it can be seen. 

Better?

Baa! says the sheep's head.

Excellent! says Vello. That's sorted. Now where were we?

I was putting forward my suggestion for a Peruvian witticism, says Hedley's mother.

So you were, says David. Let's hear it.

The beauty of it is, says Hedley's mother, it does away with the need for a translator.

But Cacambo understands Peruvian, says David.

But the audience doesn't, says Hedleys mother.

All right, all right, says Vello. Give us your witticism.

She gives it:

A magician from Peru told the crowd he would make himself disappear. Uno, dos and pooof! he was gone without a tres! 

Everyone laughs, even the sheep in the basket.

Hedley because he has heard it already, and had it explained,

Terence because he knows Spanish.

Not Allowed Sugar

Belle enters with the bag of blue feathers, and a packet of sequins.

Where's Vello? asks David.

At the bottom of the stairs, says Belle, with a ready-made basket and an extra ladder.

David hurries down the stairs, to help Vello.

Vello is talking to Hedley's mother, and Hedley.

Look who's here, says Vello. 

Sorry we're late, says Hedley's mother.

It doesn't matter, says David. We've been taking a break while Vello went to the Bunnings. 

Where I was moderately successful, says Vello. They gave me this ready-made basket, and extra ladder.

Why the extra ladder? asks David.

The manager was Chinese, says Vello, and knew about ladders.

Let's get this basket up the stairs, says David. How on earth did you get it here from the Bunnings?

You don't want to know, says Vello. I hope the police didn't see us.

They would have, says Hedley. They'd have seen you on CCTV.

You're a smart little fellow, says Vello. Go upstairs and ask Belle to give you a donut.

We ate all the donuts, says David.

Hedley's not allowed sugar, says Hedley's mother.

Excellent. A win-win situation, says Vello. 

Can I carry the ladder? asks Hedley.

Do you think you can manage? asks David. It would be helpful.

I'll take one end, says Hedley's mother.

She takes one end of the ladder and Hedley the other.

Vello and David each take a handle of the ready-made basket.

I'll be the one who goes backwards, says David.

They make their way up the stairs.

I was thinking, says Hedley's mother. About some extra lines for Hedley.

No need, says Vello. Terence has thought up some lines. The children will shout Hola Hola as they kick the gold nuggets.

Can you do that, Hedley? asks his mother.

Hola Hola! shouts Hedley.

Well done, young man, says David.

And, says Hedley's mother, I have put together a collection of Peruvian witticisms.

Pierre-Louis has already come up with two, says David. 

They're in the form of riddles, says Vello. One's about a llama.

Not a llama, says David. A bear.

I know that one, says Hedley's mother. But why would the king of Eldorado ask riddles?

Good question, says David. A witty statement might be more regal.

I have one about a magician, says Hedley's mother.

But they have now reached the top of the stairs.

Terence runs out of the office.

Guess what? All the feathers got out when the bag popped!

That is not quite a full explanation of what has happened.

But the office is awash with  blue feathers.

If It Looks Like A Ladder

Vello arrives at the Bunnings, and enters.

He walks up to a counter.

Who here reads Chinese? asks Vello.

I don't know, says the assistant. Maybe that guy?

She points to a customer who could be Chinese.

Not a customer, says Vello. A sales person.

No one that's here right now, says the counter assistant.

Typical, says Vello.

Is there anyone else who might be able to help you? asks the counter assistant.

The person who sold my colleagues five plywood panels, three ladders and a pot of blue paint, says Vello. 

When? asks the counter assistant.

This morning, says Vello.

It might have been Garry, says the counter assistant.

Then please call Garry, says Vello.

He's not here, says the counter assistant. He knocked off at five.

Then I'll see the manager, says Vello.

The counter assistant frowns, because no one wants to call the manager.

But she calls the manager.

The manager comes out of an office at the eastern end of the Bunnings.

And as luck would have it, he could be Chinese.

Frank Cheung, says the manager. I believe you want to see me

I do, says Vello. Can you read these instructions?

Frank looks at Lu Ban's instructions.

It's Old Chinese, says Frank. This could be the character meaning ladder. See, it looks like a ladder.

I take it you can't read Old Chinese, says Vello.

Not really, says Frank. But at Bunnings we go out of our way to help our customers. Was something wrong with your purchase? What was it for?

Vello explains that it was for a prop in his forthcoming play, a scientific machine to lift two grown men and two children (disguised as red sheep) over the mountains and out of Eldorado.

You must be doing Candide! exclaims Frank.

An excerpt, says Vello. That is, if we get this machine right.

I love Candide, says Frank. It has a universal message. Stay at home and cultivate your garden. We at Bunnings appreciate that.

Frank looks again at Lu Ban's drawing. 

I suggest a ready-made basket, says Frank. And one extra ladder. I'll arrange it. There will be no charge, because it seems you were mis-led this morning.

Wonderful! says Vello. Thank you. Come to the box office next Saturday evening. I'll leave you a complimentary double pass to our first night's performance.

That went quite well.

Vello walks out of the Bunnings with the ready-made basket and extra ladder.

Belle is waiting outside, with a large bag of feathers.

Now all that remains is to get these items back to the office.

On bikes.

Lucky Birds

Belle arrives for the rehearsal.

Wow! says Belle when she sees the blue basket, the blue painted mountains, the blue rope and pulley and the brown sky.

She puts the red double headed sheep box on the floor, next to the basket. 

Another job for you, Belle, says Vello. Two cloaks, made of hummingbird feathers.

Crikey! says Belle. You don't ask much, do you?

 I'm sure he doesn't mean real hummingbird feathers, says David.

Don't I? says Vello. Is there a problem?

They would be hard to come by, says Gaius. There are no hummingbirds in Australia. The closest we have is the eastern spinebill.

Does it have blue feathers? asks Vello.

No, says Gaius. Brown, grey, buff, white and russet.

Useless! says Vello.

Lucky eastern spinebill, says Belle. What colour should these cloaks be? Blue, I'm guessing.

Hummingbird feathers come in many colours, says Gaius. Copper, rose, emerald, purple, white, grey and bright blue.

So what, if we can't get them? snaps Vello.

I'm just pointing out that they need not be blue, says Gaius.

They must be blue, says Vello. So Candide and Cacambo can get up the ladder without being spotted.

There's the splendid fairy wren, says Gaius. With its splendid blue feathers.

I'm not tracking down splendid fairy wrens, says Belle. I can buy packets of feathers in Spotlight, and also blue sequins, if we want to suggest iridescence.

I suppose iridescence is what I would have been getting at, says Vello.

But at the time you didn't imagine the need for invisibility, says David.

Explain to me again this need for invisibility, says Vello.

Because we can't all fit in the basket, says David.

And if the basket were bigger? asks Vello. 

Then we'd have no painted backdrop of mountains and sky, says David. There are only five panels.

Who designed this? asks Vello.

Lu Ban, says Gaius. But he only sent Chinese instructions.

Yeah, we already had to add hinges, says Sweezus.

Incomplete instructions! scoffs Vello.

Guess so, says Sweezus. Or the guy from Bunnings didn't know what he was doing.

Give me those instructions! says Vello. Is Bunnings still open? I'll sort this.

I'll go with you, says Belle. I need to get to a Spotlight.

They go.

Right, says David. It's not worth rehearsing until this is resolved. Shall we break for coffee and donuts?

David makes the coffee, Sweezus breaks open a packet of donuts, while Terence looks out of the window for Hedley. Where is he?

So far we've got nowhere, says Sweezus, chewing his donut.

Not at all, says Gaius. Think of the splendid fairy wrens we have saved. And the eastern spinebills.

They were your suggestion, thinks Arthur. 

But he decides not to say it.

Prescience Of Feathers

Six o'clock in the evening. 

Time for the second rehearsal.

Sweezus and Arthur carry the scientific machine up the stairs.

What's this, a blue basket? asks Vello.

The rest's coming, says Sweezus. 

He and Arthur go back down the stairs and return with the four painted panels, folded and held together by hinges.

They stand these up.

Mountains, says Sweezus, painted by Terence.

I see, says Vello. Simple concept. Brown mountains. And a cerulean sky.

Wait a tick, says Sweezus.

It's upside down, says Arthur.

They make the adjustment

So the mountains are blue, and the sky's brown, says David. Is there a reason?

Yeah, says Sweezus. 

He is about to explain it when Gaius enters with Terence, and the rope, painted blue, and the pulley.

How do you like it? asks Gaius. It was Terence's idea.

I don't understand it, says Vello.

Terence can explain it, says Sweezus.

Me and Hedley go up in the basket and no one can see us, says Terence. And the grownups go up on a 

ladder.

What ladder? asks Vello. I don't see a ladder.

There are three, says Gaius. Lu Ban thought of everything. But they are downstairs. I'll just go and get them.

So, says Vello, Candide and Cacambo go up a ladder. They are visible, but the two large red sheep are not. How is that to be understood by the audience?

We wear blue clothes, says Sweezus. So actually we're all invisible, until we get near the top. Then we show up against the brown sky. We turn around and show ourselves before disappearing over the top of the scenery.

Down another ladder? says Vello.

Yeah, I guess so, says Sweezus.

I must get this straight, says David, because I'm playing Cacambo. I climb up the ladder in blue clothes. Where did I get them?

Yes, where did he get them? asks Vello.

Gift from the king of Eldorado, says Arthur. Cloaks made of hummingbird feathers. Remember?

What a genius I keep proving to be, says Vello. 

He is pleased. He had forgotten the cloaks made of hummingbird feathers. He must get Belle onto making them, asap.

But David is still picturing the action.

I get to the top of the ladder, and then what?

Turn around and wave, says Terence. And the sheep wave. Then we all get pulled over the top of the sky.

But Candide and I are not in the basket, says David. 

Wait for Hedley and me to get out, says Terence. Then you get in. Then you go. Then Sweezus gets in Then he goes, And everyone's over!

It is perfectly clear in his mind.

Not so clear in David's. 

David looks at Vello.

But Vello is busy congratulating himself on his prescience, regarding the hummingbird feathers.

Turn When You Reach The Brown Sky

Leave the sky brown for the moment, says Gaius.

Okay, says Terence. But sky isn't brown.

At least there will be some paint left in the paint pot, says Gaius.

So what? says Terence

We must have another look at Lu Ban's instructions, says Gaius.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Maybe we're doing it wrong.

I always thought so, says Margaret. 

Can you read Chinese? asks Katherine.

No, says Margaret. But I notice you haven't made use of the rope or the pulley.

Shizz! says Sweezus. We haven't! 

Just the ladders, says Gaius.

What if the panels form some sort of basket? says Katherine.

Yes! says Terence. For lifting us in. And the basket is blue! 

Why blue? asks Arthur.

Then it's invisible! says Terence.

Until it gets above the blue mountains, says Arthur.

Then, says Terence, we suddenly show up when we reach the brown sky.

Kind of like magic, says Sweezus. That would be cool.

The machine is supposed to be scientific, not magic, says Gaius.

I agree, says Margaret.

And furthermore, says Gaius. If we use the panels for a basket there will be no blue mountains.

It could be a small basket, says Terence.  

Yeah, a small basket, says Sweezus. Using just one of the panels.

Who is supposed to be going up in this basket? asks Margaret.

Candide, Cacambo and two large red sheep, says Gaius.

But who are the actors? asks Margaret.

Me and David, says Sweezus, and Terence and that little kid, Hedley.

David! says Katherine. Don't tell me HE is going up over the mountains in a little blue basket, made from one plywood panel.

It suddenly strikes everyone that David may be too portly to attempt this.

Me and Hedley can go in the basket, says Terence. And the grownups can go up the ladder.

The audience will see them going up the ladder, says Margaret.

What if they're invisible? asks Terence.

True, says Sweezus. We would be invisible, if we were wearing blue clothes.

Don't forget, says Arthur, you need to be visible when you get to the top and go over, otherwise no one will know that you've done it,.

Yeah, says Sweezus. So we get to the brown sky, and turn around. 

Could work, says Arthur.

Yes, it could, says Gaius. Well thought out, Terence.

Yay! I solved it! cries Terence, dancing around on the grass.

Katherine doesn't like to spoil his fine moment, but she can't quite see David doing a turn at the top of a ladder.

 

What Is Blue Paint For?

Terence starts painting.

Try not to get blue paint on the grass, says Gaius.

These are mountains, says Terence. 

What's that got to do with it? asks Gaius.

They're blue mountains, says Terence. And the grass on blue mountains is blue.

I was referring to MY grass, says Gaius.

Terence looks down. There are spots of blue paint on the grass. 

I can use these, says Terence. 

He picks a few blue spotted grass blades, and sticks them to the blue mountains.

Does this look real! asks Terence.

I suppose so, says Gaius.

Terence keeps painting.

His plan is to paint a row of blue triangles. These will be the mountains.

Looking good so far, says Sweezus. 

I know, says Terence.

You might need something to stand on to finish the tops, says Sweezus.

Terence stands back a little.

Yes, even he can see that his angles will meet at a point higher than his paintbrush can reach.

I'll get you a chair, says Sweezus.

He goes inside to look for one that won't matter if it gets splattered.

He comes back with a blue plastic stool.

Terence climbs onto it, with the paintbrush, and finishes the high point of one of his mountains.

Now he will have to climb down again and move the stool and then get up on it again, to finish the next one.

Or will he?

Perhaps he can lean across sideways and do it.

He leans.

But he has forgotten the extra weight of his new toe.

It's stopping him from leaning as far as he wants to.

Bumhole, says Terence. 

What's up? asks Arthur.

Can you move me? asks Terence.

Sure, says Arthur. Which way?

That way, says Terence. So I can do the pointy top of the next mountain.

Arthur moves Terence sideways, getting blue paint on his face from the paint brush.

Arthur stands back.

Will you leave the sky brown? asks Arthur.

No, stupid, says Terence. Sky isn't brown.

But now Terence realises he has a problem.

Wah! says Terence. Everything will be blue!

Everyone looks up from what they are doing (steadying ladders, drilling extra holes for hinges etcetera).

Struck by the same thought.

Maybe Lu Ban had not intended the blue paint to be used for painting the scenery!

Wooden Bird And Cloud Ladder

Come through, says Gaius. We'll build it in the back garden.

Sweezus carries the five plywood panels.

Arthur the ladders.

Katherine the rope and pulleys. 

Gaius the paint, and electric drill.

Terence watches the items being carried through the kitchen.

Can I help? asks Terence.

If your toe's fixed, says Sweezus.

It's fixed, says Terence, jumping down from the bench and landing less upright than he expected.

You see what happens? says Margaret.

Yes, says Terence. 

He runs outside, where the others are looking at the diagram.

I understand, says Katherine. It's a combination wooden bird and cloud ladder.

Lu Ban's work, says Gaius. 

Elegant, says Katherine. So, let's get to work. Lay the plywood panels out side by side.

Sweezus lays out the panels.

Now the drill, says Katherine. Gaius, will you plug it in?

Gaius goes inside for an extension cord.

Margaret is in the kitchen, looking at her phone.

Come on out, says Gaius. We may need you.

You will need me, says Margaret. I'm just googling scientific lifting machinery, and how to make it.

No need, says Gaius. We have Lu Ban's plans, and Katherine is doing the drilling.

I'm sure she knows what she's doing, says Margaret. 

She follows Gaius outside.

Katherine begins drilling holes in the corners of the panels.

A bit big for nails, says Sweezus. Wouldn't a hammer.......?

No need, says Katherine. These holes are to poke the tops of the ladders through.

Yeah, says Sweezus. But there's only three ladders.

I realise that, says Katherine. The third ladder goes at the back in the middle.

It's bound to fall over, says Margaret.

No it won't, says Gaius. It will be up against a mountain.

An unstable painted backdrop, says Margaret. 

Let's see the diagram, says Arthur. 

He looks.

The third ladder goes behind the painted back drop, says Arthur. So that Candide and Cacambo can climb down again.

And me and Hedley, says Terence.

So where's the painted backdrop in the diagram? asks Katherine.

The rest of the panels, joined together, says Arthur. 

Hmm, says Katherine. You may be right. 

Yeah, says Sweezus. And the blue paint's for painting the mountains!

Can I do it? asks Terence.

You can start, says Gaius. Is your toe dry yet?

Yes! says Terence.

Right, set them up, says Gaius.

They're not joined, says Sweezus. We might need to get hinges.

We'll start with two panels, says Katherine. 

They lift one panel into place on top of the ladders, where it sits, horizontal, and slide the backdrop in front of the back ladder.

Gaius opens the tin of blue paint.

Terence grabs a paintbrush.

No one but Margaret expects anything is about to go wrong.

The More Scientific Person

 Katherine looks for her old electric drill.

She can't find it.

Damn! says Katherine. I lent it to Margaret. I'll call her.

Don't call her, says Sweezus.

Too late. Katherine has called Margaret.

Margaret, do you still have my drill? Yes, the electric one. Do you? Oh good. We'll drop round on our way to David's work. What? I'm helping Sweezus and Arthur assemble a prop. See you soon, dear.

They go out to Katherine's car, and get in. 

She starts the engine. Weeeeurrr.

Sounds bad, says Sweezus.

Really bad, says Arthur.

It's perfectly all right, the garage man assures me, says Katherine.

They drive round to Margaret's. She is standing outside with the drill.

Here you are, says Margaret. I'm sorry. I've kept it for ages.

Never mind, says Katherine. You're returning it now.

What's the prop? asks Margaret.

A scientific machine, says Katherine. 

You are not very scientific, says Margaret.

What are you implying? asks Katherine.

Nothing, says Margaret. Only that I am a more scientific person.

You are a geographer, says Katherine. But I suppose you can help if you like.

Margaret is about to get in the back seat with Arthur.

There won't be room, says Arthur. We're picking up the stuff from the office, then we're taking it somewhere to put it together.

I'll meet you there, says Margaret. Where is it?

Gaius's, says Arthur.

Margaret's eyes light up.

Perhaps we should warn him, says Katherine.

No, don't warn him, says Margaret. It'll be a surprise.

......

It is a surprise.

Gaius opens his front door expecting it to be Sweezus, Arthur, Katherine and the parts of a scientific machine.

Instead it is Margaret.

Margaret! says Gaius. To what do I owe...?

Am I the first? asks Margaret. I've come to help build the machine.

You are the first, says Gaius. How are you, these days?

Oh, you know, says Margaret. Mustn't grumble.

About what? asks Gaius.

The terrible state of the world, says Margaret. 

One can only do so much, says Gaius. 

True, says Margaret. Are you going to let me come in?

Of course, says Gaius. Do come in.

Margaret follows Gaius into the kitchen.

Terence is perched on a high bench, shouting Hola! Hola! and wafting his toes.

Hello, Terence, says Margaret. What are you doing?

Kicking footballs, says Terence. And drying my toes.

One of his toes came off earlier, says Gaius. I've mended it with fish glue.

Let me see, says Margaret. Good heavens! Why has he got six toes?

This one's a pebble, says Terence. And this one's my toe. I only wanted the pebble but Gaius said I had to have my real toe underneath.

Gaius, says Margaret. What were you thinking?

It's a way to protect the real toe, says Gaius.

But... begins Margaret. 

The doorbell rings, Gaius hurries to open the door, and Margaret reserves her objection.

Which Is Why

 Come in, boys, says Katherine. And tell me about your adventures.

We can't stay, says Sweezus.

Nonsense, says Katherine. Vello and David can wait. Why do they need my car anyway?

We're not allowed to assemble the props in the office. says Sweezus.

Props? says Katherine. Don't tell me! They're doing that play!

An excerpt, says Arthur. I chose it.

At random, says Sweezus. Which is why.

It's always good to know which is why, says Katherine. Sit down. Would you like a kombucha?

Yeah thanks, says Sweezus. You're heaps modern.

Not really, says Katherine. I keep it for you. I don't drink it myself.

She takes two cans of raspberry flavoured kombucha from the fridge, and a plate of protein balls from the pantry.

Sweezus and Arthur tuck in.

Katherine takes a sideways glance at Arthur's bare knees.

Yes. The usual scabs and scratches.

Do you still have those trousers I bought you? asks Katherine. With the zip-off bottoms.

Somewhere, says Arthur.

You should wear them, says Katherine.

Too hot, says Arthur.

Have you two been surfing? asks Katherine.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Down at Middleton. And guess what? We saw Great White Teacher. He gave us some props.

What could he possibly contribute? asks Katherine. 

Teeth, says Sweezus. They're like, instead of gold nuggets.

Are they? says Katherine. I see. And what did he want in return? 

A Friendly Shark campaign, says Sweezus. Paid for with five percent of the profits.

In other words, five percent of nothing, says Katherine.

No way! says Sweezus. We've got ticket sales in the pipeline. The guy from Bunnings, and Hedley's mother and friends.

Who is Hedley? asks Katherine, taking a bite of a protein ball.

This kid Terence met on the beach, says Arthur. He and Terence are playing two giant red sheep.

With one head, says Sweezus.

No, says Arthur. Two heads and one body.

No, says Sweezus. Terence was playing two red sheep with a two headed costume, but the head kept on tipping so Hedley came in.

Hedley! laughs Katherine, (not the first one to think that it's funny).

She almost chokes on a piece of chopped almond.

Here, says Sweezus. Swig this.

Katherine takes a sip of kambucha, and recovers.

It's not as disgusting as I thought, says Katherine. Thank you.

No worries, says Sweezus. Well, we'd better get on. Gotta figure out how to put this scientific machine together.

Do you have a diagram? asks Katherine. I'm good at diagrams.

Sweezus shows her the diagram. 

Planks and ladders, says Katherine. And what are these wing things?

We're not using them, says Sweezus. We've got ropes and pulleys.

What fun, says Katherine. I'll come with you, and help. Need any tools or anything?

Tools! 

There's a helpful suggestion.

No Carpenter

Vello and David are at work in the office when a delivery arrives.

Five plywood panels, three ladders, a rope and pulley, and a tin of blue paint for you, says the delivery driver.

What? splutters Vello. You must have the wrong address.

No, this is correct, says the delivery driver, showing him the address on his ipad. Sign here, please.

I will not, says Vello.

Wait, says David. Who ordered these items?

Sweezle, says the delivery driver, peering at the signature. 

Sweezle. We don't know any Sweezle, snaps Vello.

Well, that's not my problem, says the delivery driver.

These will be for the scientific machinery, says David. Sweezus is Sweezle.

Curses, says Vello. There's no room for it here.

Sign here, says the driver. I'm on a tight schedule.

David signs, as there seems no alternative.

Vello is about to call Sweezus.

But it is not necessary. 

Sweezus is coming up the stairs, with Arthur and Pierre-Louis.

Awesome! says Sweezus. Our stuff's here already!

It can't stay here, says Vello. This is a workplace. I've got people coming.

We can work on the stairs, says Sweezus.

Which will prevent access, says Vello. 

Okay, says Sweezus. We'll make the machine somewhere else. Any suggestions?

Gaius's place, says Arthur. He has room.

Sure, says Sweezus. We just have to get the stuff there.

Vello looks at the items. 

Five plywood panels, says Vello. What are they for?

They're for, like, the sides and the bottom, says Sweezus. 

And how will they fit together? asks Vello. 

Nails, says Sweezus. 

You are obviously no carpenter, says Vello. If I were you, I'd have obtained a ready-made box.

Yeah, okay, says Sweezus. But this'll be, like, custom-made, to Lu Ban's instructions.

Thousands of years out of date instructions, Vello.  

Sweezus looks crestfallen.

David is calling his mother, Katherine.

Ring ring.

Mother? 

What is it, dear? 

May we borrow your car?

Of course, dear, as long as you don't mind the funny squeak when you turn on the engine.

Thanks mother.

And remember to fill it with petrol.

Of course, mother.

Come round later this morning.

Not me, mother, I'm working. It'll be Sweezus and Arthur.

How nice, I do like those boys. 

Sweezus and Arthur head off down the stairs, glad to escape from the office.

Pierre-Louis remains, to try out his Peruvian orange joke on Vello and David.

A courageous decision.

The Llama Confuses

The next morning, Sweezus meets Arthur at Bunnings.

Pierre-Louis has tagged along too.

Okay, says Sweezus. I've got Lu Ban's plans here. Let's do this.

They look for the building goods section.

It's near the far end.

Lu Ban's plans are on Sweezus's phone. He scrolls down, and enlarges a diagram.

Need some help? asks a Bunnings assistant.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Can you read Chinese?

No, says the assistant. But leave it to me. 

He takes the phone, and disappears with Lu Ban's instructions.

You'd better follow him, says Arthur.

Yeah okay, says Sweezus. You guys wait here.

He follows the Bunnings assistant.

While we're waiting, says Pierre-Louis, mind if I run something by you?

A Peruvian witticism? says Arthur.

Yes, says Pierre-Louis. How about this? Como se llama un oso enfandado?

What does that mean? asks Arthur.

What do you call an angry bear? says Pierre-Louis.

I don't know, says Arthur.

Furioso! says Pierre-Louis.

So... oso means bear? says Arthur. I guess that's pretty funny. If you leave out the llama.

There is no llama, says Pierre-Louis. It's a Peruvian word meaning 'call'.

You have to admit the llama makes it confusing, says Arthur.

Yes I suppose so, says Pierre-Louis. There's an alternative one, about an orange...

Later, says Arthur. There's Sweezus. Looks like he wants us.

They follow Sweezus to the end of the Bunnings.

The assistant has stacked up five plywood panels, three ladders, a length of rope, a pulley system, a tin of blue paint and a paintbrush.

What about the wings? asks Arthur.

You won't need the wings, says the assistant. You've got the pulley.

 Yeah I told him it's for a play, says Sweezus.

Sounds like a good one, says the assistant. I might get a couple of tickets.

You like the theatre? asks Pierre-Louis.

Only if it's funny, says the assistant.

Let me run this by you, says Pierre-Louis. Cual es la fruta mas comica?

Don't know, says the assistant. 

It means what's the funniest fruit, says Pierre-Louis.

Still don't know, says the assistant.

La naranja-ja-ja-ja, says Pierre-Louis.

Hang on, says the assistant. Is that supposed to be Spanish? Your pronunciation is crap.

Help me out, then, says Pierre-Louis.

Ja-ja-ja is pronounced ha-ha-ha in Spanish, says the assistant. And that goes for the ja at the end of the orange.

La naranha-ha-ha-ha, says Pierre-Louis. 

Ha ha, laughs Sweezus. An orange! That's heaps funny!

Pierre-Louis looks happy. 

The Confident Burp

Terence comes running back with a stick.

You're too late, says Vello. We've already found it.

My toe! cries Terence. Where is it!

Vello indicates a row of small pebbles. 

It will be one of these, says Vello. We're not quite sure which.

But you'll know, says Hedley's mother.

How? asks Terence. 

Think, says Gaius.

I'm thinking, says Terence. 

What are you thinking? asks Gaius.

This one! says Terence, choosing the biggest.

Hedley returns with a stick.

Did you find it? asks Hedley. 

Yes, says Terence. It's this one.

Hedley picks up the pebble.

Where was it joined on? asks Hedley.

Here, says Terence, indicating the place on his foot where the toe was.

It doesn't match up, says Hedley.

What does that matter? asks Terence.

It matters, says Gaius. The two surfaces must be aligned, for the fish glue to be fully effective.

But I want this one, says Terence. It's bigger.

Look, says Hedley's mother. This one may be yours. It has a faint toenail.

I never had a faint toenail, says Terence.

We'll take both, to be certain, says Gaius.

Very sensible, says Vello. And furthermore, I declare today's rehearsal over.

He has seen Belle in the distance, with a hamper.

And David and Pierre-Louis, not far behind.

And Sweezus and Arthur, heading in from the surf. 

Moments later, everyone is eating mini quiches and iced donuts from Belle's hamper, and drinking ginger beer.

Except Terence, who has his own red drink, in a bottle.

And Hedley, who is not allowed sugar.

When and where is the next rehearsal? asks Hedley's mother.

Velosophy office, tomorrow evening, six o'clock, says Vello. By then I expect the scientific machine to be well on the way to completion.

No worries boss, says Sweezus.

And everyone to know their lines, says Vello.

I haven't been given a part yet, says Pierre-Louis.

Then choose one, says Vello. 

What's left? asks Pierre Louis.

Let me see, Sweezus is Candide, David is Cacambo, Gaius is the old man....

We're the red sheep, says Terence.

And the children, says Hedley.

You can play the king of Eldorado, says Vello. It's a tricky part. Are you up to it?

What's so tricky? asks Pierre-Louis.

Your witticisms must be equally witty when translated from Peruvian, says Vello.

Your witticisms, surely? says Pierre-Louis

The witticisms are not in the original text, says Vello, but I'm sure you will manage.

No doubt, says Pierre-Louis, burping confidently.

Logical Toe Finding

 Find my toe! shouts Terence.

Wait, says Gaius. Let's do this methodically.

Yes! says Terence. 

A rake would be ideal, says Gaius.

Anyone have a rake? asks Vello.

We all have fingers, says Hedley's mother. 

Of course, says Gaius. Let us divide the area into sections.

What with? asks Terence.

A stick! shouts Hedley.

He loves science.

Hedley runs off to look for a stick on the beach. Terence runs off in the opposite direction.

Good, says Gaius. That's four less feet to worry about. And we don't need a stick to start raking.

But we should divide the area between us, says Vello. Otherwise our fingers may intertwine.

He looks at Hedley's mother.

I'll divide it, says Hedley's mother. Now we know that Terence kicked the tooth here. Therefore his toe must be inside this perimeter. I'll take the mid section.

Are you sure that's best? asks Gaius. Your knees may press Terence's lost toe further into the sand.

I shall not be on my knees within the perimeter, says Hedley's mother. If I knock down this sand castle. I can kneel here and extend my fingers into the area in question.

Bravo, says Vello. But that sand castle represents one of the mountains that surround Eldorado.

A sand castle can be rebuilt, says Hedley's mother. A lost toe is lost forever.

Unless it is found, says Vello.

Which is what we'll be attempting, says Hedley's mother.

She kicks down a mountain of Eldorado with her foot.

She kneels in the spot where it was, certain this will not be where Terence's toe is.

She reaches forward and starts raking the sand with her fingers.

Vello and Gaius watch her for a moment.

Her bottom moves rhythmically.

Will she find it?

Come on you two, says Hedley's mother. 

They collect themselves, and, kicking down two more mountains, they kneel and rake the sand either side of her, with their fingers.

Anyone approaching from behind might wonder what they are doing.

But no matter.

Logically, they will soon find the toe.