It Must All Have Happened

Sweezus drops Gaius, Arthur and Terence at Gaius's house.

Let me know what time our flight is, says Sweezus.

Okay, says Arthur. Could you flat pack our bikes?

I might get Belle to do that, says Sweezus. She's good at it.

He drives off, with Kant.

Where to now? asks Kant.

To return Katherine's car, says Sweezus. Wanna come with me or be dropped at the office?

I'll come with you, says Kant.

Sweezus drives them to Katherine's house.

Katherine is in her front garden.

How did the trip go? asks Katherine. Did you catch up with Gaius?

Yeah, says Sweezus. He found heaps of dead fish and took measurements. The froth was everywhere. Didn't stop us from surfing.

And the interview? asks Katherine, looking at Kant.

Sweezus has been taking notes, says Kant.

That's good, says Katherine, because Vello asked me to read it, before publication.

We haven't yet covered all topics, says Kant. 

Never mind. Vello asked me to check for a bicycling element, says Katherine.

I had forgotten that, says Kant. I wonder if he'd settle for a supernatural element?

WAS there a supernatural element? asks Katherine.

Yeah, says Sweezus. We stayed at this place that was haunted.

You must tell me all about it, says Katherine. Come inside for a coffee.

They all go inside. Katherine makes the coffee, and produces a plate of chocolate chip biscuits.

This is very nice, says Kant, biting into one. 

Sweezus takes two.

And tells Katherine about old Philip and old Mrs Hill, the red stain, and the pool, and clothes horse.

Kant is nodding as he listens.

So it must all have happened.

You should certainly try to include your supernatural experience, says Katherine, but there must be a bike, or it won't qualify for Velosophy.

I did in fact ride a bike, from Victor Harbor to Goolwa, says Kant. It was my first time and I did rather well.

Yeah he did, says Sweezus. 

Then you must weave that into the interview, says Katherine.

No worries, says Sweezus. Mind if I have these last two?

Go ahead, dear, says Katherine.

She has a soft spot for Sweezus. 

He may be somewhat inadequate as a writer. But he tries.

Kind Of Dangerous

None of this talk has made Terence feel better.

Baby BB is probably dead.

Maybe a skeleton. With one cement finger.

Which will be hard to find.

Cheer up, says Roo-kai. I shall leave now. I promise to return with either your claw or your actual finger.

Hurry up, says Terence.

It may take some time, says Roo-kai.

I'm going to France soon, says Terence.

I hope to be back before that, says Roo-kai 

Sweezus stops the car. Gaius rolls down the back window. 

Roo-kai flies out.

What a strange bird, says Kant. 

Parrot, says Terence.

I can't think of him as a parrot, says Kant.

He's not finding your finger, says Terence.

I suppose that's an example, says Kant.

Of not being a parrot? asks Sweezus. 

No, says Kant. That is not what I meant. Are we there yet?

I usually ask that question, says Terence.

We're not far off, says Sweezus. 

There's the city, says Arthur.

They can see it in the distance as they drive down Lonsdale Road.

A plane has taken off, and is flying out over the ocean.

Terence imagines himself in it.

A flight attendant comes up and gives him a box, saying: This is for you, it was delivered before we took off by a strange parrot. 

Terence opens the box.

Inside the box is a finger.

The flight attendant has waited to see what was in the box, in case it was dangerous.

A finger. That is kind of dangerous. 

Terence changes the scenario. Inside the box is a claw! 

The flight attendant says: Surely that isn't your parrot's claw? I didn't notice it had a claw missing.

And Terence says no, it is his.

And she says: So you're a collector. Good for you. And Terence, although he is not a collector, feels proud.

By now they are on Brighton Road.

Wanna stop at Brighton for a snack? asks Sweezus.

But time is now of the essence. They must be in Lille by the end of the week.

So no one does. 

You Allowed It

So you weren't too popular, says Sweezus. 

I was misunderstood, says Kant. My argument was that faith must be put beyond reason.

How'd you do that? asks Sweezus.

I argued for a moral basis, says Kant.

Awesome, says Sweezus. Arthur?

What? says Arthur, from the back seat.

Could you take notes for me? asks Sweezus.

Okay, says Arthur. On what exactly? 

On Kant's moral basis for faith, says Sweezus.

What is it? asks Arthur.

He hasn't said yet, says Sweezus. 

We all have a sense of what's right, says Kant.

Is that it? asks Arthur. 

No, there's more, says Kant. If you care to peruse the eight hundred pages of the Critique that I have in my suitcase.

Yeah well, bit late now, says Sweezus. But I get it. We all know what's right.

Guess what? says Terence, emerging from the gloom of discovering that Roo-kai has never met Baby BB.

What? asks Sweezus.

I'm going to find Baby BB, says Terence.

He will no longer be a baby, says Gaius. In fact he may not be alive.

Yeah, says Sweezus. It must've been hard for him, flying round with your finger.

It wasn't heavy, says Terence.

But it wasn't a claw, says Gaius. I often wondered how he would manage.

I assume you allowed it, says Kant.

I provided the fish glue, says Gaius.

Kant is silent, thinking of an addendum to 'we all know what's right'.

How are you going to find him? asks Arthur.

By looking, says Terence. And Roo-kai will help me.

I will, says Roo-kai. And I don't need a description. There'll be only one bristlebird with a cement finger.

Unless he died, says Gaius. 

All the easier to get back the finger, says Arthur.

Shit, Arthur, says Sweezus. 

Dead bird, says Arthur. Probably eaten. All that remains is the cement finger.

Much harder to find, in that case. says Gaius. Probably hopeless.

I'm LISTENING, says Terence.

Go For All Lucky

Gaius, Arthur and Terence walk across to the car.

Roo-kai follows.

I didn't mean HIM, says Terence.

Didn't mean who? asks Arthur.

The bike guy, says Terence. The bike guy said thanks.

He must have thought you wanted him to have half our luck, says Gaius.

I wanted it for me, says Terence.

Who wants to be half lucky? asks Arthur. Go for all lucky.

All lucky? says Gaius. There's no such thing as all lucky.

If I get my claw back I'll be half lucky, says Terence. If I see Baby BB I'll be all lucky.

But he won't be, says Gaius.

Why? asks Terence.

I assume you'll be asking him for your finger, says Gaius. Think where that would leave him.

At this point in the ethical lesson, they arrive at the car.

Gaius opens the back door, just as Kant is saying 'In my first critique I believed I had proved it'.

And Sweezus is saying, 'Watch out guys, it's kind of wet in the back'.

As we expected, says Gaius. We'll sit on a towel if you have one.

Yeah, says Sweezus. Should be one in the boot.

Arthur gets a towel out of the boot for himself, Gaius and Terence to sit on.

Don't mind us, says Gaius. Go on with your interview.

Okay, says Sweezus. So how did that go?

Not as well as I expected, says Kant. By concluding that objects of faith could not be proved by pure reason, I had, it seemed, destroyed religion. I assure you it was not my intention.

Yeah, shit happens, says Sweezus.

German priests revenged themselves by calling their dogs Immanuel Kant, says Kant.

A mouthful, says Gaius. 

It's a great story, says Sweezus. Hope I remember it. Anyhow, let's get going.

Am I in or out? asks Roo-kai.

In, says Terence. Sit on me. Do you remember Baby BB?

I don't think I've met him, says Roo-kai.

Bumhole! That's even less than half lucky.

What Brothers Are For

In spite of looking, neither Arthur nor Gaius has spotted the claw.

The rain has eased but this has not helped them to find it.

The claw has been washed off the road and lies in a ditch.

Gaius and Arthur have now given up, having passed the spot they calculated Kant made the call from.

They arrive in Victor.

Terence is waiting outside the bike shop, with Roo-kai.

Did you find it? asks Terence.

Sadly no, says Gaius.

Boo! says Terence. 

Where are the others? asks Arthur.

Here, says Terence showing Arthur his four fingers and the space for the claw.

Not your fingers, says Arthur. Sweezus and Kant.

Over there in the car, says Roo-kai. They're talking philosophy.

Then we won't disturb them, says Gaius. 

He and Arthur wheel the bikes into the bike shop.

Hello guys, says the bike shop guy. How'd it go?

Very successful, says Gaius. We collected some useful information.

Good stuff, says the bike shop guy. Bikes go okay?

Yes, says Gaius. How much do we owe you?

The bike guy calculates the amount owing, less the deposit.

Gaius pays. 

I lost my claw, says Terence.

That was bad luck, says the bike guy. 

Yes, says Terence. It was my blood brother's.

No kidding! says the bike guy. When I was a kid I had a blood brother. We did the whole blood brother thing.

My claw belonged to Baby BB says Terence. He gave it to me, and he's got my finger.

Maybe he'd give it back if you ask him, says the bike guy. That's what brothers are for.

Neither Gaius nor Arthur thinks that is likely, or what brothers are for, but Terence thinks it could happen.

Can we look for Baby BB ? asks Terence.

Not really, says Gaius. We have to make immediate preparations for Lille.

You guys going to the Tour de France? asks the bike guy.

We are, says Gaius. 

Half your luck, says the bike guy. 

What does half your luck mean? asks Terence.

I wish I had half your luck, says the bike guy. 

Me too, says Terence.

Thanks, says the bike guy.

Certain Hopes Entertained

Arthur and Gaius set off on their bikes.

The rain may be easing, says Gaius.

Or it may not be, says Arthur.

One or the other, says Gaius. Never mind, it's not far to Victor. Then we'll catch the bus home.

Okay, says Arthur. 

Heads down and pedal.

Cars pass them with their headlights on, wipers swishing, wheels sending up spray.

A car pulls over in front of them. 

A back window opens.

Terence's head pokes out.

Stop, Gaius and Arthur! says Terence.

Gaius and Arthur stop and wheel their bikes up to the car.

We'll pick you guys up in Victor, says Sweezus. 

Are you going that way? asks Gaius. 

We are now, says Sweezus. Okay?

Very kind, says Gaius. Sure there's enough room for us?

I'm going to sit on the suitcase, says Terence.

Or it can go in the boot, says Sweezus.

Not with me on it, says Terence. 

No not you, says Sweezus. And not Roo-kai.

Is Roo-kai with you? asks Gaius.

Yes I am, says Roo-kai. But I can always fly, if there's a problem.

There isn't a problem, says Terence.

Good, sorted, says Sweezus See you in Victor.

He starts the engine, and drives off towards Victor. 

Terence's cement hand is seen to be waving, until it disappears in the rain.

Gaius and Arthur pedal on.

Terence shouldn't have his arm protruding out of the window, says Gaius.

You should have told him, says Arthur.

Too late now, says Gaius.

You could call them, says Arthur.

I suppose so, says Gaius. He stops and calls Sweezus.

Ring ring. 

Hello? says Kant. Sweezus can't answer his phone at the moment. Can I help you?

Yes, says Gaius. Does Terence still have his arm out of the back window?

There is a pause in which Kant turns around.

Yes, says Kant.

Tell him it's dangerous, says Gaius. No wait, don't tell him it's dangerous, just tell him we can't see him waving any more and to bring his arm in and close the window.

Certainly, says Kant. I wondered where that draft was coming from. 

I wouldn't be surprised if everything on the back seat is wet, says Gaius. 

Nor would I, says Kant. Thanks for the warning.

You're welcome, says Gaius.

The call ends.

Terence, says Kant. Why have you got your arm out of the window?

I'm waving to Gaius and Arthur, says Terence.

They can no longer see you, says Kant. Bring your arm in. And close the window.

Okay, says Terence.

He brings his arm in.

Wah! His claw has come off in the rain. The glue must have softened.

My claw! wails Terence.

What's up? asks Sweezus.

My claw fell out of the window! says Terence. We have to go back.

We'd never find it, says Sweezus.

He's right, says Kant. But what if I call Gaius and ask him to look for it?

YES! says Terence. 

Kant calls Gaius, who answers at once.

Yes? says Gaius.

Terence has lost his claw, says Kant. He wants you and Arthur to look for it. It should be on the road somewhere.

Dear me, says Gaius. Arthur!

What ? asks Arthur.

Keep an eye out for Terence's claw, says Gaius. He's lost it.

All right, says Arthur.

He slows down, scanning the road for the little curved claw.

We're looking, says Gaius. Tell Terence not to worry.

Very well, says Kant. I'll leave you to it.

Terence is holding the place on his hand where the claw was.

Gaius says not to worry, says Kant. 

Why? asks Terence. 

He didn't say, says Kant. But he probably thinks he and Arthur will find it.

Yay! says Terence.

After all, says Kant, one may rationally entertain certain hopes even if doubts may be raised against them so long as these doubts do not attain a certainty.

What? asks Terence.

I added that for Sweezus's benefit, says Kant. 

Cool, yeah, says Sweezus. Could you like, maybe, write it down?

If Treasure There Is

The weather has changed. It is raining.

The waves foam and crash.

Sweezus and Arthur are plodding up the beach with their boards when Gaius, Terence and Roo-kai come down to meet them.

Ready to go now? asks Gaius.

Looks like it, says Sweezus.

Guess what? says Terence. I threw up, and guess what?

The kiosk guy made you clean it up, says Sweezus.

No, says Terence. I was already outside.

The ants are eating it, as we speak, says Gaius.

Lucky them, says Sweezus.

We must start making plans, says Gaius. By the way I'm free to ride for Team Condor.

Cool, says Sweezus. I'll get Arthur to book us three tickets.

Okay, says Arthur. With whose money?

I'll pay for mine, says Gaius.

Can I ask a favour? asks Sweezus.

I can guess what it is, says Gaius. You want me to pay for all three tickets and you'll reimburse me at some later date, presumably when Vello pays you for your long-delayed interview with Kant.

Mind reader, says Sweezus.

Not really, says Gaius. And yes, I'll lend you the money for your tickets.

Am I coming? asks Terence.

Of course, says Sweezus. Did you think we'd leave you here?

Terence looks up at the weather.

Dark sky, driving rain, huge breakers, the sand disappearing.

What if they did leave him here?

I know what you're thinking, says Roo-kai. 

What? asks Terence. 

If they left you here, you'd be washed out to sea, and spend the rest of your days on the bottom, says Roo-kai. 

Terence imagines spending the rest of his days on the bottom.

Maybe Great White Teacher would find him. And have a go at his leg.

Or he might find some treasure.

But what could he do with the treasure, down there?

He feels gloomy.

Come, says Gaius. Arthur and I must return the hired bikes to the bike shop in Victor Harbour.

Yeah, says Sweezus, and I'll drive Kant back to Adelaide, and get him talking.

For your story, says Gaius.

Yeah, says Sweezus.

Arthur regards the black sky.

He looks forward to the wet windy back ride to Victor. 

He and Gaius head up the track to the kiosk, where the bikes are.

Come on, little buddy, says Sweezus. 

He starts walking. 

Terence follows.

The treasure, if treasure there is, remains undiscovered, on the floor of the sea.

Goodbye Froth Sausage

I can't believe Vello and David are in Lille already, says Gaius. 

Is that where the Tour de France starts from? asks Kant.

This year, yes, says Gaius. I must get Arthur to organise the tickets.

Why don't you do it? asks Kant.

Arthur has a knack for finding the best deals, says Gaius.

It must be wonderful to ride in the Tour de France, says Faith.

Not entirely, says Gaius. It's hard work every day.

But you're in FRANCE, says Faith. Riding through the beautiful countryside.

Yeah, and the food, says the kiosk guy. All those fantastic French cheeses.

I must say the food is quite palatable, says Gaius. But we have to eat it from bags, in a hurry.

I'm the giving-out-bags guy, says Terence.

However, we do have relaxing picnics on the rest days, says Gaius. 

Belle makes them, says Terence. 

He remembers the rich picnic dishes, none of which he has sampled. 

Saucissons, cassoulets, confits, frites, croques.

As if it is listening, the curdled brown lump in his tummy starts to take on the curve of a sausage.

And to work its way upwards.

Luckily Roo-kai has noticed.

Come outside, says Roo-kai.

Okay says Terence.

I'll come too, says Gaius. One last look at the froth, before we return our hired bicycles.

Bluuuh! blurts Terence.

Out shoots the curdled brown sausage, and lands on the ground.

Gaius steps round it.

Shouldn't we clean it up? asks Roo-kai. It's right in the doorway.

I'll go back inside and ask for the spade, says Gaius.

Can't I keep it? asks Terence.

You were keeping it, says Roo-kai. But your stomach has decided.

It looks like the sea froth, says Terence. 

Another reason not to keep it, says Roo-kai.

Terence looks sadly at his froth sausage.

Gaius comes back with the spade.

Goodbye froth sausage.

Gaius chucks it into the bushes.

Where the ants start to eat it.

Ooh! Chocolate froth sausage. Still warm too. Not bad.

Ants have complex digestive systems.

So it's unlikely to have adverse effects.

Dithering Diderot

So I imagine we'll be leaving, says Kant.

Yes, says Gaius. As soon as possible. Pity.

Why so? asks Kant.

Our investigations are incomplete, says Gaius.

Don't worry. SARDI is on it, says Faith. 

I suppose so, says Gaius. Would you like us to leave you our thermometer?

We have our own thermometers, says Faith. But I should like to get a dead pipi count from your bird.

Roo-kai? says Gaius. Of course, but where is he?

Outside, says Terence.

Let him in, says the kiosk guy. 

Terence goes to the door and lets Roo-kai in.

You look green round the gills, says Roo-kai.

Brown, says Terence. I had a hot chocolate.

That was risky, says Roo-kai. You know milk is a food?

It's a brown drink, says Terence.

Don't let its liquidity fool you, says Roo-kai.

Roo-kai, says Faith. Do you have a final dead pipi count?

Eight thousand seven hundred and fifty two, says Roo-kai. But on the plus side, I flew a long way, and found a few healthy molluscs.

Excellent! says Faith.

And he ate them, says Terence.

How do you know? asks Roo-kai.

Because I know, says Terence. And because you smell mollusky.

Gross! says Sweezus. Come on, Arthur, let's have a last surf before we get serious about training.

They head off to the surf.

Good luck in the Tour! shouts the kiosk guy. Shit, I should've asked for a selfie.

They'll be back, says Gaius. Now I must call Vello to see if I'm on the team.

He calls Vello.

Hello, is that you, Gaius? puffs Vello. 

Probably doing some training.

Vello, says Gaius. Have you decided on this year's team?

David and me, says Vello. And I've asked Denis Diderot, but he's dithering. 

I could make myself available, says Gaius, but Sweezus has asked me to join Team Condor....

Team Condor it is then, says Vello. By the way, we're already in Lille. It's quite warm here. When are you coming?

We're on our way now, says Gaius. 

Yummy Curdled Brown Lump

Good job everyone, says Faith. That went very smoothly.

Indeed, says Gaius. Thanks to the judicious use of the spade.

Guess we'd better return it, says Sweezus. 

He heads up to the kiosk, with the spade.

Perhaps we should all go, says Gaius. Who's for a hot coffee?

I am, says Faith. 

I am, says Arthur.

I am, says Terence. But I'm not allowed one.

How about a hot chocolate? asks Faith.

Gaius looks doubtful.

A hot chocolate is milky and brown.

I'd like a hot chocolate, says Kant. Terence can try a small sip of mine.

Yay! says Terence.

They head up to the kiosk.

Sweezus is alone in the kiosk.

The kiosk guy's round the back, replacing the spade.

The kiosk guy videoed the whole thing from up here, and posted it on X, says Sweezus. 

Great White Teacher won't like that, says Arthur.

Be a while before he finds out, says Sweezus.

So we could go back out there, says Arthur. 

Guess so, says Sweezus.

The kiosk guy comes back and takes their orders for coffee and hot chocolate.

He turns on the machine.

Good rescue, says the kiosk guy. Heaps of people left heaps of comments.

Like what? asks Seeezus.

Like that you guys are heroes, says the kiosk guy. And that it was cool for elite cyclists to stop their training to rescue a stranded Great White.

Elite cyclists? says Faith.

Yep! Seems they recognised these guys as elite cyclists, says the kiosk guy. 

I wouldn't have thought we'd be recognisable from such a long distance, says Gaius.

I zoomed in, says the kiosk guy.

Well! says Faith. I suppose you'll be looking forward to watching the Tour de France on the television, in a fortnight.

A fortnight! says Gaius.

A fortnight! says Sweezus. 

Even Arthur looks rattled.

We're supposed to be in it, says Sweezus.

The kiosk guy hands over their coffees and the hot chocolate.

Can I try the hot chocolate? asks Terence.

It will be hot, says Kant. 

Terence tries it. It goes down well enough.

But it's forming a curdled brown lump in his tummy.

Buurp! That was yummy, says Terence.

I hope there's still time to book tickets, says Gaius. But first I suppose I should ask Vello if he wants me in Team Philosophe.

If he doesn't, there's a place for you in Team Condor, says Sweezus.

Very kind, says Gaius. I'm sure you'd prefer a younger person.

Yeah, says Sweezus. But you've got the experience. And we have left it kind of late to get anyone better. 

Hum, says Gaius. 

Faith and Kant and the kiosk guy look at one another.

So this is how Tour de France teams are put together, behind the scenes.

Quite an eye-opener.

Whose Leg Will I Bite?

Great White Teacher is now in a puddle of water.

Sweezus has been digging around him, with the spade.

Now for the channel, says Sweezus. Arthur, take over.

Can I take over? asks Terence.

No, says Great White Teacher. Don't give that infant the spade!

No way, says Sweezus handing it to Arthur.

Arthur starts digging.

Make it a wide one, says Great White Teacher. I'll need room to turn round.

You'll be turned around before you slide down the channel, says Gaius.

In that case, says Great White Teacher, start turning me now.

Yeah, says Sweezus, but first let's get a photo.

Fine, says Great White Teacher, whose leg will I bite?

Steady on, says Faith. Whose leg will you look as though you're ABOUT to bite?

Thus speaketh the sardine, says Great White Teacher.

Terence sniggers.

No worries, says Sweezus. Terence is volunteering.

What am I doing? asks Terence.

Nothing bad'll happen, says Sweezus. Just stand there.

He marks a spot in the sand in front of Great White Teacher.

Closer, says Great White Teacher.

That's close enough for the photo, says Sweezus. 

Terence stands on the spot.

Sweezus moves around in order to find the best angle.

Arthur keeps digging.

The channel grows deeper.

Great White Teacher opens his jaws.

A wave breaks. Water flows into the channel and Great White Teacher slides backwards.

But not very far.

He didn't get me, says Terence.

Doesn't matter, says Sweezus. I've already taken the photo.

Turn me round, says Great White Teacher. Delete the photo. I just realised something.

What's that? asks Sweezus.

Context is missing, says Great White Teacher. The photo could be interpreted wrongly.

Yeah it could, says Sweezus. Like you shot up onto the beach to bite a little kid's leg and got stuck here.

Which I didn't, says Great White Teacher.

It's true. He is not stuck here. He slides backwards down Arthur's deep channel into the shallows, turns and swims out to where Shorty and Speedy are waiting, with questions.

Good one boss, says Speedy. But what did you do that for?

Intel, says Great White Teacher.

Not Be Toxic

Speedy and Shorty are lurking a few metres out from the shore.

What d'you reckon his plan is? asks Shorty.

Dunno, says Speedy. But he's made a bold move.

Yeah, says Shorty.

They're bringing a spade! says Speedy.

And one of them's got a camera, says Shorty.

Maybe he's getting a new photo, says Speedy. That bus one was useless.

It was okay, says Shorty, but they don't stay on the buses forever.

I guess not, says Speedy, but a photo of Great White Teacher being helped off the beach with a spade? What's the message?

No idea, says Shorty. Unless it's to gain sympathy.

An oystercatcher flies down and bobs on the water beside them.

Food alert! says Shorty.

It's me, says Roo-kai.

Where've you been? asks Speedy.

Looking for molluscs that weren't affected by toxic algae, says Roo-kai. I had to go a long way.

So you could eat them? says Speedy.

Yes, says Roo-kai. 

Makes you think, says Speedy.

What about? asks Shorty.

The molluscs, says Speedy. Were they lucky, or not?

What would you rather? asks Shorty. Not be toxic but be eaten because of it, or die of toxicity.

Before you think about that, says Roo-kai, tell me why Great White Teacher has put himself in that foolish position?

It's all part of a plan to gain sympathy, says Speedy.

We think, says Shorty. We don't know.

I'll go and find out, says Roo-kai.

He launches himself from the water and flies to the beach.

Well? asks Shorty.

Not be toxic, says Speedy. 

And be eaten because of it? asks Shorty.

I wouldn't be eaten if I swam away fast enough, says Speedy.

You've forgotten something, says Shorty.

What? asks Speedy.

You're a mollusc, says Shorty. 

What type? asks Speedy. 

Yes what type? They don't know what type of mollusc Roo-kai has eaten. Not all molluscs can swim. 

Their hypothetical flounders.....

 

Shark On a Bus

Sweezus and Arthur are talking to the kiosk guy.

Yeah, we've got a spade somewhere, says the kiosk guy. You guys bogged?

Beached shark, says Sweezus. A spade might speed things up a bit.

Yeah, says the kiosk guy. Dig a channel and slide him back in. Watch out though, he might turn vicious.

He goes out the back to look for the spade.

Kant appears in the doorway.

A quick word, says Kant.

What's up? asks Arthur.

The shark wants a new photo, says Kant. 

As if that'll help, says Sweezus.

It won't, says Kant. Not if the message is 'Sharks are Friendly'. 

That's what he asked for, says Arthur. 

Yeah, but we never got round to actually getting it on the back of a bus, says Sweezus. 

Great White Teacher doesn't know that, says Arthur.

I though he'd seen proof, says Kant.

Speedy saw it, says Sweezus, but it was a photoshopped photo.

A good one, says Arthur.

What is photoshopped? asks Kant.

One photo pasted onto another, says Sweezus.  Shark photo and back of bus photo. Bingo! Looks like the shark photo is on an actual bus.

So you fooled him, says Kant.

You could say that, says Sweezus.

What does he want in the new photo? asks Arthur.

I came to warn you, says Kant. A photo of him about to bite someone's leg.

Won't be my leg, says Sweezus. 

Or mine, says Arthur.

The kiosk guy comes back with a spade.

Thanks, says Sweezus.

Suggestion, says the kiosk guy. Put a sack on his head till he's back in the water.

Won't that detract from the photo? asks Kant. Or render it pointless?

It'd embarrass him, says Sweezus. 

Not really, says Arthur. No one would know who he was.

But the idea of embarrassing Great White Teacher is a good one. 

So they won't need a sack.

A Dangerous Development

Go ahead. Take your walk, says Great White Teacher. Don't mind me.

It's an unbreakable habit, says Kant. A walk, every day, at half past three.

Even if it's raining? asks Faith.

My man follows me with an umbrella, says Kant. 

Ha ha, laughs Terence.

What's so funny? asks Kant.

He's got the umbrella, says Terence. That means you haven't.

Not at all, says Kant. If it starts raining he hands me the umbrella.

Then he gets wet, says Great White Teacher.

But he can go home, says Kant. And I can keep walking.

Off you go then, says Faith. We'll hold the fort here.

I'll keep an eye on the tide, says Kant.

If only I could do that, says Great White Teacher.

It's coming in quite fast, says Gaius.

Whoosh, so it is. 

Great White Teacher is in shallow water, momentarily.

The shallow water withdraws. Shweerp.....bubble bubble.

What's that bubble bubble? asks Great White Teacher.

Algal froth, says Gaius.

Horrible stuff, says Great White Teacher. Can't you clear it away?

We expect it to disperse now the weather has turned colder, says Gaius.

Yes we do, says Faith. I work for SARDI.

SARDI? says Great White Teacher. 

It means she's a sardine, says Terence.

I know a sardine when I see one, says Great White Teacher. Now what was I saying before this fellow decided to go for a walk?

About 'Sharks Are Friendly' not working, says Faith.

Yes! says Great White Teacher. I was complaining.

With good reason, says Faith. No one thinks sharks are friendly. But we do think you have a right to be who you are.

So, a different photo? says Great White Teacher. One where I'm taking a bite out of someone's leg?

About to take a bite, says Faith. Just for the photo.

Worth thinking about, says Great White Teacher. Where is Sweezus?

He and Arthur went up to ask at the kiosk for a spade, says Gaius.

I'll walk up to meet them, says Kant.

It might be wise to let them know of this dangerous development.

To Keep Him High Rated

Terence keeps sponging.

He is up to Great White Teacher's head.

Continue, says Great White Teacher.

I am, says Terence. Keep your mouth shut.

Mm-mm, says Great White Teacher. 

A wave breaks and washes towards them.

Is the tide turning? asks Kant. 

I believe so, says Gaius. 

He's coming! says Faith.

Who? asks Great White Teacher.

Terence whips the wet hankie away from his teeth, just in time.

Finished! says Terence.

You're supposed to keep doing it, says Faith.

You do it, says Terence, giving her the wet hankie.

This handkerchief could do with more water, says Faith.

She walks into the shallows and dips it into the sea.

Sweezus body-surfs towards her

Hey! says Sweezus. What's been happening?

A Great White beached itself, says Faith. We have no idea why. Terence has been sponging it to keep it hydrated. 

Good for him, says Sweezus. 

He grabs his board, and they walk back together.

Great White Teacher's got issues, says Arthur. He's been waiting for you.

Not like he's got much choice, says Sweezus.

Waiting for you before raising the issues, says Great White Teacher. How about standing where I can see you.

Sweezus moves to a spot beside Terence.

I was sponging him, says Terence. To keep him high rated.

Hydrated, says Gaius.

Now SHE'S going to do it, says Great White Teacher.

Faith steps forward with Kant's dripping hankie.

I might wait till you've finished speaking, says Faith.

Do his tail again, says Terence. 

Faith starts sponging the tail.

Okay, says Sweezus. Is this about 'Sharks Are Friendly'?

It is, says Great White Teacher. I have reason the believe we were dudded.

Yeah? says Sweezus. We showed your mate Speedy the photo. You and him with tiny fish swimming out of your mouths. Remember that, Arthur?

Yes, says Arthur. It was on the backs of the buses. You couldn't go anywhere without seeing it. 

It doesn't seem to have worked, says Great White Teacher.

Yeah it worked, says Sweezus. 

No one I came into contact with seemed to think I was friendly, says Great White Teacher.

May I ask why you wanted people to think you were friendly? asks Faith.

She is sponging his belly. She is close to the purple spot where Terence kicked him.

No! roars Great White Teacher.

Okay, sorry, says Faith.

The next wave rolls in, and froths softly round Great White Teacher, and everyone's feet.

What time is it? asks Kant.

Half past three, says Gaius.

Time for my afternoon walk, says Kant. 

Oh great! says Great White Teacher.

I suppose I could delay it, says Kant.

By Way Of A What?

Terence kicks Great White Teacher.

Then regrets it.

What if Sweezus is in inside?

Ow! says Great White Teacher. You little fucker!

Terence! says Gaius. That is no way to assist a beached shark.

What is he made of? Cement? snarls Great White Teacher.

Yes, says Gaius. And I can't think why he would have done that. 

He ate Sweezus! wails Terence.

I did not, says Great White Teacher.

From the corner of one eye, he spots Arthur.

This person knows it, says Great White Teacher.

What? asks Arthur.

That I didn't eat your friend Sweezus, says Great White Teacher.

No, you didn't, says Arthur. He's still out there. 

Everyone looks out to sea, except Great White Teacher, who is facing the opposite way.

There is Sweezus, out there, bobbing.

Now that's cleared up, says Gaius, may we assist you back into your natural medium.

If you would, says Great White Teacher.

I know what to do, says Faith. First we sponge him.

Sponge me? says Great White Teacher. 

To keep you hydrated, says Faith.

That might be quite nice, says Great White Teacher.

Perhaps Terence would like to do it, says Faith. By way of apology.

By way of a what? asks Terence.

I'll lend you my handkerchief, says Kant. Dip it in the sea, but don't squeeze it.

Yippee! Terence is allowed in the sea!

 He takes the hankie and dips it in the water, then he brings it back, sodden.

Now wipe him gently, says Faith, while we work out how to turn him.

Terence looks at Great White Teacher, who is smiling.

Or is he?

Terence starts at the safe end, the tail.

If we had a rope, says Faith, we could easily do it.

We may not need to do anything, but wait for the tide to come in, says Gaius.

I'm all for that, says Great White Teacher. I have a few issues to discuss, in the meantime.

Excellent, says Gaius. Tell us their nature.

When Sweezus appears, says Great White Teacher.

Is this about that promotional photo? asks Arthur.

Yes, says Great White Teacher.

Terence keeps sponging. He is up to Great White Teacher's white belly.

There is the spot that he kicked. 

It looks purple.

He wisely avoids it.

There He Died Happily

I don't suppose you could repeat your lovely poem, says Faith.

Terence thinks back.

How had it started?

Two snails have died, says Kant.

That's it, says Terence. 

And they're not going anywhere, says Kant.

Yes, says Terence. 

As the poem is being reconstructed, let's check on Sweezus and Arthur.

They have spotted a second large wave.

Almost as big as the one Arthur missed, when reciting The Death Box.

They continue to look at the wave.

It is building and building.

A face appears in it, grinning.

Shit! says Sweezus. Great White Teacher!

Let's paddle out of his way, says Arthur. 

Yeah, says Sweezus. Good plan. He might not've seen us.

They paddle to a less ideal position.

The face turns towards them, showing its teeth.

He spotted us, says Sweezus. We should let this wave go.

But Arthur doesn't think so. He missed that one earlier. He's not going to miss this one as well.

Sweezus rises and falls on the swell, but doesn't move forward.

Arthur does.

He surfs in, alongside Great White Teacher.

Great White Teacher makes a slight change of course.

A collision is imminent.

Arthur flips his board, avoiding the collision.

Great White Teacher is now heading straight for the shore.

He gnashes his teeth. None of this was intended to happen.

Scruuuurch! He skids onto the sand, not far from where Kant is saying 'and there he died happily'.

Faith sees him first.

Holy moley! says Faith. A Great White's just beached itself!

Jumping Jupiter! says Gaius. We must try to assist him!

They run towards Great White Teacher, who is trying to reverse.

Arthur comes up with his board, shaking drops from his hair.

Terence expects to see Sweezus soon after.

But Sweezus is not there.

The horrid white shark must have eaten him.

Wah!

The Bee-loved

I will, says Terence.

Will what? asks Gaius.

Make a poem out of it, says Terence. Two snails have died....

All Terence's poems start off like that, says Gaius.

That's sweet, says Faith.

I assume they finish differently, says Kant.

YES! says Terence 

Two snails have died, they're not going anywhere, the Twitcher ate them on the way to Dubai, continues Terence.

That's quite good so far, says Gaius. Died rhymes with Dubai.

No it doesn't, says Kant.

It's not supposed to, says Terence. And my poem's not finished.

Go on then, says Gaius.

What happened next? asks Terence.

We had to lend him to the Dubai Aquarium for a week, says Gaius, and that's where he met ...

His BEE-loved, says Terence. Okay.

O lay, o lay, the Twitcher was sad, he didn't know he had done something bad, and then he got put in a quarium, says Terence.

An aquarium, says Kant.

Stop interfering, says Faith. A quarium. I love it.

Apologies, says Kant.

Then what? asks Terence.

Then he meets the bee-loved, says Faith.

That's good, says Terence. Then he meets the bee-loved, a meditranian.... wait,  wasn't there two of them?

Yes, but he only became enamoured of one, says Gaius.

The glimmering orange one, says Faith.

I'm doing this poem! says Terence.

Carry on, says Gaius. 

Two meditranians, says Terence. One was not beautiful, and one was. She was orange.

They were probably both orange, says Kant.

Faith frowns at Kant.

And he loved the most beautiful, says Terence, but she was going to Kas.

Actually I don't thinks she was, says Gaius. Only he was. But in Kas, he had another beloved, whom he had seen in photographs. She was superbly orange and glimmering, in effect, his ideal.

This is stupid, says Terence.

No it isn't, says Gaius. You've nearly finished.

When does he die? asks Terence.

No one knows exactly, says Gaius.

And he loved the most beautiful, says Terence, but she wasn't going to Kas, she cried when he went, but he said o lay o lay I am going to Kas, to meet a bee-loved even more beautiful and there... I will happily die.

Bravo Terence! says Faith. 

Well done! says Gaius.

Even Kant has to admit that the ending is moving. 

Out Of The Death Box

Do you remember your poem? asks Faith.

The Death Box, says Arthur.

Say it, says Faith.

Arthur would prefer not to, for two reasons, 

One, he is missing a gigantic wave, which he can see coming.

Two, Gaius and Terence are approaching.

Go on, says Faith. For my collection.

Arthur relents.

A terrible scent and dark swirling water, luminescent flashes subsiding, final drops fall to the sea, just one flaccid cuttlefish remains in the stolen death box.

Ripper! says Faith. Would you mind repeating it. I'd like to record it.

Arthur looks out at the wave, which is building up nicely, with Sweezus in a perfect postion.

He recites the Death Box again, very quickly.

He is just gabbling 'one flaccid cuttlefish remains in the stolen death box', when Gaius arrives.

Ah, says Gaius. Memories. The death box. That was the Twitcher.

So it was a real cuttlefish, says Faith.

It was, says Gaius. We took it to Kas.

Did I go? asks Terence.

No you didn't go, says Gaius. I went. Katherine went. Arthur went. And Ageless Lobster.

Where was it going? asks Terence.

To meet it's orange beloved, says Faith. I assume these cuttlefish poems are connected.

Who was it? asks Terence.

A Turkish cuttlefish, female, says Gaius.

Why didn't I go? asks Terence. 

It was years ago, says Gaius. I don't remember. But I do remember I had to submit a report.

Arthur watches Sweezus surf in on the biggest wave of the morning.

Gliding in gracefully.

Sweezus sploshes towards them, in the shallows.

There was trouble with snails, says Gaius. 

Hey bro, says Sweezus. See that awesome biggie?

Yes, says Arthur. I missed it.

Too bad, says Sweezus. There won't be another one like that this morning, I reckon.

There might be, says Arthur.

Yeah sure, there might be, says Sweezus. Coming?

Of course Arthur's coming.

They both head back into the sea.

Well, says Faith. What was that about snails?

They were on the plane to Dubai, says Gaius. 

Snails were? says Faith.

Destined for the Dubai Aquarium, says Gaius. Two were inadvertently let loose by Dr Moussalli, and our Twitcher ate them, leaving Dr Moussalli short of two snails, to make up for which we agreed to loan the Twitcher to the Dubai Aquarium for one week, during which time he was placed in an aquarium occupied by two female Mediterranean cuttlefish.

Where he fell in love, says Faith. You could make a poem of that story.

Highly unlikely, says Gaius.

The Dead Fish Laden Sea

Actually, says Sweezus, Pablo's an old friend.

Our favourite poets can seem like old friends, says Faith. 

Yeah, but I mean we know him, says Sweezus. He used to ride in our team.

A cycling team? asks Faith.

Yep, says Sweezus. Team Condor. It was Pablo who named it.

I'm not sure I believe you, says Faith. 

He's a diplomat now, says Sweezus. But we used to have competitions.

Poetry competitions, says Arthur.

And who won? asks Faith.

Can't remember, says Sweezus. 

Pablo won the cuttlefish poem competition, says Arthur. 

Yeah he did, says Sweezus. But I only remember mine.

Tell me, says Faith. You know I collect fish poems.

Okay says Sweezus. It was called In Memory Of A Dead Cuttlefish:

Blue green blood ran through his three hearts,

All of them broken. I asked for his name.

He was the Twitcher, we took him to Kas

da da da .. yeah, forgotten the rest.

Something about his orange beloved who wasn't aware he was coming, says Arthur. She was glimmerng under the sea.

That's so gorgeous, says Faith. 

Thanks, says Sweezus. I did a course in creative writing.

I wish you remembered Pablo's, says Faith. If he won, it must have been even better than yours.

Yeah well, he was inspired by the Marilyn Monroe Charity Swim, says Sweezus.

He fell in love with a Marilyn, says Arthur. And he worked her into his poem. Not for you or I, Marilyn, the way of the cuttlefish, I have not the specialised tentacles to insert sperm sacs into an opening near to your mouth, nor the patience....  

You've got a good memory. Yeah stuff like that, says Sweezus. 

Ending in a description of her in a sequined swimsuit, says Arthur. Her golden hair flowing. And how he desired a maritime connection. With her.

Faith is entranced. That sounds like the sort of thing Pablo would write. Could she add it to her collection? 

Have you got a copy of the original? asks Faith.

Dunno, says Sweezus. I could look. But my phone's in the car.

I'll come up with you, says Faith.

I'm not going up yet, says Sweezus. I'm going back in. Might catch you later.

He heads back to the dead fish laden sea.

The Net Of Our Kisses

 Yes he is, says Kant. How did you know?

Just a guess, says Faith. It was because he asked what does it matter.

Well? says Arthur.

It probably doesn't matter that much, says Faith. My SARDI colleagues will take multiple depth measurements.

Then we don't need this thermometer, says Arthur.

Give it to me, says Kant. 

Arthur hands Kant the thermometer.

So you're a poet, says Faith. I've been telling Mr Kant how much I like poetry. 

Really? says Sweezus, because Arthur, who should have said Really has not said Really.

Yes, says Faith. In fact, I collect poems about fish.

How very interesting, says Kant. I wonder if Schiller ever mentioned fish in his poems?

I don't know any poems about fish, says Sweezus. Except for that kids' one.

You shall have a fishy in a little dishy, says Faith. When the boo-at comes in.

What is a boo-at? asks Kant.

A boat, says Faith. That's just how they used to pronounce it.

Arthur wrote a poem about a boo-at, says Sweezus, nudging Arthur.

The Drunken Boo-at, says Arthur. 

It wouldn't've been a boo-at in French, says Sweezus. 

It was a bateau, says Arthur. A Drunken Bateau.

I don't think I know it, says Faith. Were there fish in it?

Yes, says Arthur, eternal rollers, unknown saps, hysterical cows, giant serpents devoured by bedbugs and fish of gold.

Eating the serpents? asks Faith.

No, that was from a separate stanza, says Arthur.

Tell me that one, says Faith.

Arthur tries to recall it.

He was drunk when he wrote it, and it seems like a long  time ago.

But it's still recollectable, a good thing about poems.

I should have liked to show children those sunfish of the blue wave, the fish of gold, the singing fish, foam of flowers, says Arthur.

That's beautiful, says Faith. I shall add it to my collection.

I don't suppose you know the poems of Pablo Neruda, says Faith.

Fish ones? says Sweezus.

You've asked me what the lobster is weaving there with his golden feet, says Faith. I reply the ocean knows this.

Did he write that? says Sweezus.

Yes, and this, says Faith:

We came by night to the Fortunate Isles, and lay like fish under the net of our kisses.

That is a nice image, says Kant. 

He wonders if Faith is unmarried.

Only These Slits

Roo-kai has been hovering.

He sees Arthur and Sweezus surf in, with a shark close behind them.

He makes a 'shark danger' gesture, with his wing.

What's Roo-kai signalling? asks Sweezus.

Runny nose, says Arthur.

Runny bill, says Sweezus.

Nostrils, says Arthur.

Does he even have them? asks Sweezus.

Never looked, says Arthur.

We should ask him, says Sweezus. 

He gestures Roo-kai to come down.

Roo-kai lands in the shallows.

You okay? asks Sweezus. 

Yes I am, says Roo-kai. Did you see my signal?

That's why we're asking, says Sweezus. We thought you might have algal bloom symptoms.

This, says Roo-kai, is the signal for dangerous sharks.

He repeats the shark-danger gesture.

It does look like it could be construed as a warning.

Arthur thought you might have a runny nose, says Sweezus.

Imagination, says Roo-kai.

Arthur looks at Roo-kai's bill. What are those slits for?

He is going to ask, but Sweezus continues: Was it Shorty?

Could have been, says Roo-kai. They all look alike from the air. By the way, we oystercatchers do not get runny noses.

Do you have nostrils? asks Arthur.

Only these slits, says Roo-kai. 

Do you breathe through them? asks Arthur.

Never thought about it, says Roo-kai. 

Breathe, says Arthur.

I'm always breathing, says Roo-kai. 

He is getting annoyed now.

He is about to fly off when Kant and Faith come up from behind, intending to ask Sweezus and Arthur a question.

That reading, says Kant. At what depth was it taken?

Does it matter? asks Arthur. 

I bet you're the poet, says Faith. 

Streaking Sideways

Gaius decides to go on with the lesson.

He draws a small 1 above the second to last zero.

Now it's a ten, says Gaius. One zero.

How did you do it? asks Terence.

I borrowed ten, says Gaius. So I must now give it back.

He draws a small one under the third to last zero.

There. You can see I haven't cheated, says Gaius.

Just added two ones, says Terence.

Not exactly, says Gaius. But now what are we faced with?

What? asks Terence.

Ten take one, says Gaius. And we can do that easily. What is it?

Terence looks as though he can't see why it matters.

Nine, says Gaius. Now we borrow again.

Let us leave them to their lesson and see what Kant and Faith from SARDI are doing.

They are not finding dead pipis. Faith has already got ten.

They are talking.

I notice your trousers are dry, says Faith. Who gave you that sea temperature reading? 

One of those young men out there, says Kant, pointing to Sweezus and Arthur who are bobbing about in a quiet patch of sea.

So they have a thermometer? asks Faith.

They do, says Kant. 

Are they ecologists? asks Faith.

Oh no, says Kant. One is a poet and ....

A poet? says Faith. I do like poetry. What sort does he write?

To be honest I only know of one example, says Kant. It was about the cheese in a cheese toastie.

Oh, says Faith. Modern.  

I imagine so, says Kant. I prefer the German poets, such as Schiller. Arthur is French

Faith gazes out at the two surfers.

They are standing up now, streaking sideways, under the curl of a wave. 

She wonders which one is the poet.

And the other one? asks Faith.

He is a journalist, says Kant. But perhaps I don't do him justice. He also rides bikes at some sort of high level. But then so does the other one. And of course let me not forget about Gaius. The one you met back there giving a lesson in subtraction to that careless young infant. Would you credit that the infant was once in charge of the thermometer? Inevitably he misplaced it..... 

He stops talking, having gone on a bit. 

He would not like her to think him a garrulous snitch.

 

Because She's A Sardine

Sixteen, says Kant. 

Degrees? asks Gaius.

Yes I assume so, says Kant. See here, I've written it down.

The person in the orange jumpsuit looks at the number.

At what depth? asks the person.

I don't have that information, says Kant. 

This is Faith, says Gaius. She is from SARDI.

Because she's a sardine, mutters Terence.

SARDI is the research arm of PIRSA, says Faith. I'm here to collect a few samples for autopsy purposes.

Ten, says Terence. Which I took off aready.

In an incorrect manner, says Gaius. You had one thousand and you wiped off a zero. That left one hundred.

Probably more, says Terence.

Indeed, says Gaius. Watch me. This is what you should have done.

He picks up a stick. 

He writes 1000 in the sand with the stick.

Then he writes 10 below the last two zeroes.

Now let's see what happens when we subtract ten from one thousand, says Gaius. Zero take zero is what?

Before you go any further, says Faith, I should point out that you don't need to subtract ten.

I realise that, says Gaius. The ten pipis are still part of the count, regardless of the fact that they're going to be autopsied.

Just so we agree on that, says Faith.

We do, says Gaius. But Terence can still learn this lesson.

I see, says Faith. Then I'll leave you to it. 

She picks up a dead pipi, and drops it into a bag.

May I assist you? asks Kant.

That's good of you, says Faith. 

They walk off together.

Now what? asks Terence.

What is zero take zero? asks Gaius.

That's stupid, says Terence. No one takes zero from zero.

Visualise it, says Gaius. You do not have an apple. So how many apples do you have?

None, says Terence. But can it be a pipi?

All right, says Gaius. You do not have a pipi. How many pipis do you have?

None, says Terence. That's easy. And I know where it went. The sardine lady took it.

She was not a sardine lady, says Gaius. But the idea is amusing.

Yes, says Terence. The orange sardine lady.

That will do, says Gaius. 

He points to the second to last zero and the 1 that is sitting below it.

Now, here we have no pipis. How can we take one away?

Ha ha, laughs Terence, scuffing the 1 with his foot.

Gaius wonders if it's worth going on with the lesson. 

Upside Of Death And Dying

Arthur and Sweezus wait for a big wave.

Thermometer, says Sweezus.

Now? says Arthur. 

Something to do while we're waiting, says Sweezus.

Arthur dips the thermometer into the water.

Sweezus signals to Roo-kai, who flies over.

Do you have a reading? asks Roo-kai.

Arthur's getting it, says Sweezus.

There's a big wave behind you, says Roo-kai.

Yeah thanks, says Sweezus, getting ready.

Arthur lifts the thermometeter out of the water.

Sixteen, says Arthur.

Let me check that, says Roo-kai.

Arthur shows him the reading. 

Roo-kai squints. 

Right, says Roo-kai. I'll let Kant know.

Has Arthur missed the big wave?

No. He lives a charmed life, remember.

Nor has Sweezus missed it. 

But hey...

What is this shooting through the wave alongside him?

It sticks up its head.

Fuck. Its Shorty.

Having a good day? enquires Shorty.

So so, says Sweezus. I guess you know what's been happening.

We do, says Shorty. Great White Teacher's not pleased.

So how come you're here? asks Sweezus. Thought you guys all went to Mexico?

Didn't work out, says Shorty. By the way...

The wave crashes over and Sweezus is knocked off his board.

Arthur washes up beside him.

You look rattled, says Arthur.

Just saw Shorty, says Sweezus. Great White Teacher's come back.

They won't stay long, says Arthur. Not in this froth.

Yeah I guess that's the upside, says Sweezus.

Of death and dying, says Arthur. Did he know about that shark that washed up at Henley?

Didn't say, says Sweezus.

They turn and paddle out in hopes of catching the next wave.

Roo-kai lands on the sand beside Kant.

Sixteen, says Roo-kai.

Kant writes sixteen on his notepad.

He supposes this single reading will suffice.

He walks back to where Gaius is speaking to someone in an orange jumpsuit.

And Terence is looking dejected.

It seems he did an improper subtraction.

If Subtractions Were Simple

I'm an oystercatcher, says Roo-kai.

I appreciate that, says Kant. But why take a job as a parrot?

Ask Terence, says Roo-kai. No, on second thoughts don't ask Terence.

My question still stands, says Kant.

Terence trusts parrots, says Roo-kai. It's to do with his origins. There must be wise parrots in Barcelona.

Barcelona? says Kant.

He fell off the Sagrada Famiglia, says Roo-kai. He was part of the decor. Along with the Virgin and Saint Joseph and presumably various parrots.

Wouldn't they have been doves? asks Kant.

You would have to ask them, says Roo-kai. Anyway Terence asked me to be his parrot.

You play a role, says Kant. I understand that. A transcendental ideal.

Kind of you to say so, says Roo-kai. But what is that exactly?

A presupposition, says Kant. 

Not two bicycles behind a kiosk? asks Roo-kai.

I wouldn't say so, says Kant.

I thought not, says Roo-kai.

It has been a good lesson in Kantian thought, but now it's time to get back to collecting data.

Sweezus and Arthur have paddled out with their body boards and the thermometer.

Roo-kai flies out to where they are.

Kant stands ready, with a notepad, on the sand.

Gaius is walking up the beach counting dead pipis.

Terence is trailing behind him.

I can't do ANYTHING, says Terence.

Can you remember the number of dead pipis that Roo-kai had counted? asks Gaius.

A thousand, says Terence.

Gaius is sure it was more, but one thousand is an easy number for Terence to start with.

Write one thousand in the sand, says Gaius. 

What does it look like? asks Terence.

One and three zeroes, says Gaius. One-o-o-o.

Okay, says Terence. Then what?

We'll start counting from there, says Gaius. If need be, we'll do an adjustment.

Terence finds a stick and starts writing. 

o o o

A person in an orange jumpsuit comes down from the carpark and looks at the sea. 

And the seaweed and froth. 

And the dead creatures.

And Terence, writing o o o in the sand with a stick.

Terence looks up.

This is how many dead pipis my parrot counted, says Terence, 

Good job, says the orange jumpsuit. But don't you need a number in front of the zeroes?

Not till we've finished, says Terence.

I'm here to collect a few, for autopsies, says the orange jumpsuit. 

How many? asks Terence.

Ten should do it, says the jumpsuit.

Terence rubs out an o with his stick.

If only subtraction was always that simple.

Being A Parrot

It's good that you're back, Roo-kai, says Gaius.

I tried to come earlier, says Roo-kai. 

You should have, says Terence. Guess what happened?

What happened? asks Roo-kai.

I got a horse ride, says Terence. Last night.

It was a clothes horse, says Gaius. 

I had perfect balance, says Terence.

Long may you have it, says Roo-kai.

Indeed, says Gaius. I wonder what's holding up the others?

I'll fly up and get the long view, says Roo-kai.

He flies upwards and sees a car approaching.

It stops in the car park.

Three people get out.

One is holding a towel. 

That one looks like Arthur.

Roo-kai flies down. 

They're coming, says Roo-kai. And they've got something wrapped in a towel.

Maybe it's the thermometer, says Terence.

Unlikely, says Gaius. Are you sure it's a towel? I suggested to Sweezus that he might buy a jumper.

Has Gaius forgotten that he asked for a toastie?

Sweezus, Kant and Arthur make their way down to the beach.

What's in the towel? asks Terence. 

Arthur unwraps it.

A double-wrapped cheese toastie, says Sweezus. 

Gaius remembers he asked for a toastie.

And later regretted asking, since by the time he got it, it would have gone cold.

But what an example of thoughtfulness on the part of his colleagues.

The toastie has stayed warm.

Perhaps a little soggy.

Thank you, says Gaius. How much do I owe you?

My treat, says Sweezus. Hey, how about this weather?

Yes, it's improving, says Gaius. We should get to work.

I have the thermometer, says Kant.

What if Arthur and me go out on our boards and measure the sea temperature out there? says Sweezus.

There's an idea, says Gaius.

They just want to go surfing, says Terence.

As if, says Sweezus. If we did we wouldn't take a thermometer.

And that's why there needs to be two of us, says Arthur.

Yeah, says Sweezus. 

Very well, says Gaius. Do you have some means of recording the data?

We'll surf in every so often to tell you, says Sweezus.

I could stand at the ready, with a notepad and pencil, says Kant

I'm here, says Roo-kai. I could fly back and forth with the data.

And you are? asks Kant. 

Roo-kai, says Roo-kai.

I was led to believe you were a parrot, says Kant.

That's only his JOB, says Terence.

The Idea Of A Jumper

Let's get going, says Sweezus.

He has finished his cider and toastie.

Okay, says Arthur. Let's go.

Should we take Gaius a little something? asks Kant.

Shit yeah, says Sweezus. I forgot! He asked me to bring him a toastie.

Won't it be cold by the time he gets it? asks Kant.

I'll ask them to double wrap it, says Sweezus.

He goes back to the counter, and orders a cheese toastie, double-wrapped.

No worries, says the counter person. One cheese toastie double-wrapped, coming up.

She keys in the order. 

Cool, says Sweezus.

You going down to the beach? asks the counter person.

Yeah, says Sweezus. We all are. The toastie's for a friend who's down there already.

Volunteers, are you? asks the counter person

I guess so, says Sweezus. 

Good for you, says the counter person. I was thinking of volunteering myself. I love doing citizen science.

Yeah, who doesn't, says Sweezus.

Although he actually doesn't.

The double-wrapped cheese toastie is brought out from the kitchen.

Sweezus pays. And carries it back to where Kant and Arthur are getting up from their table.

Who's going to carry it? asks Sweezus.

I will, says Kant. I'll keep it inside my jacket. 

They go out to the car.

You got the thermometer? asks Sweezus.

I don't know. Have I? says Kant.

He feels in his pockets.

The double-wrapped cheese toastie falls to the ground.

Oops! says Kant. I thought it was wedged much more tightly.

Arthur picks up the double-wrapped toastie and gets into the car.

Wasn't there a towel on the back seat?

Yes there it is. 

He wraps it round the double-wrapped toastie.

Kant has found the thermometer.

He also gets into the car.

And finally Sweezus.

Sweezus feels good, because he has remembered everything. The toastie, the thermometer....

And thought about (and rejected) the idea of a jumper.

He looks at the sky, which is clearing.

Yeah. Good decision.

And now for some citizen science.

Or actually....these are good conditions for surfing as well.

Undesirable Beauty

Of course Arthur has not been writing it down.

Never mind, says Kant. I'd only just started.

So what was the topic again? asks Sweezus.

Go and order a drink and a toastie, says Kant. I'll wait for you to come back.

Sweezus goes to the counter to order a glass of cider and a cheese toastie.

He comes back and sits down.

I was explaining the judgement of beauty as a basic dichotomy, says Kant. 

Okay, says Sweezus. Go ahead.

Arthur smirks behind the crust of his toastie.

On the one hand, says Kant, our judgements are based on a feeling.

Like what? asks Sweezus. 

This much should be obvious, says Kant. Take a beautiful woman. 

Nice, and what's on the other hand? asks Sweezus.

Shit! He should be writing this down.

Or at least recording it. He takes out his phone.

On the other hand, judgements of beauty are not like judgements of the agreeable, says Kant.

How come? asks Sweezus. 

Insofar as they do not involve desire for the object, says Kant.

That explains my cheese poem, says Arthur.

Yeah, what cheese poem? asks Sweezus.

Cheese extends in rubber sinews, with each cruel bite, says Arthur.

That's good, says Sweezus. Kind of. But it's put me off eating my toastie.

Told you that explained it, says Arthur.  

Sweezus's cider and toastie arrive.

Eat, says Kant. Don't think too hard about my philosophy. My ideas on aesthetics are perhaps not my best ones.

Probably made more sense at the time, says Sweezus. 

Good of you to say so, says Kant.

Where do you reckon I could buy a jumper in Goolwa? asks Sweezus, biting into his toastie.

Jumper? says Arthur.

Gaius reckons I should buy myself a jumper, says Sweezus.

Google a surf shop, says Arthur. 

The weather may be changing, says Kant. The clouds are breaking up.

Yeah maybe I won't need a jumper, says Sweezus. 

I suppose we should be getting back to the beach to help Gaius, says Kant.

By the way, Roo-kai's back, says Sweezus.

That's good, says Arthur.

Roo-kai? says Kant.

Terence's parrot, says Sweezus.

I'm fond of parrots, says Kant. They have beautiful feathers.

Beautiful. This sets Sweezus thinking about Kant's dichotomy. So the agreeable in Kant's view is desirable, and the beautiful is not. Has he got it wrong? Yeah, and he probably ought to tell Kant that Roo-kai's not an actual parrot. 

Each Cruel Bite

Arthur and Kant have ordered a third glass of local cider, and a third toastie.

This is better than counting dead fish on a beach, says Kant.

Yes it is, says Arthur.

But I feel somewhat guilty, says Kant.

No need to, says Arthur. Sweezus is coming to get us.

That's good, says Kant. 

I told him not to hurry, says Arthur.

Did you? And what was his reaction? asks Kant.

He said to ask you some questions, says Arthur. For the interview you and he are meant to be doing.

Fire away then, says Kant.

I'm not a philosopher, says Arthur.

I know. I believe you're a poet. says Kant. You may ask me questions about the nature of beauty.

Beauty isn't my thing, says Arthur. My poetry grows out of derangement. 

It could still result in something of beauty, says Kant. 

Arthur picks up his toastie and waves it in front of Kant.

Cheese extends in rubber sinews with each cruel bite, says Arthur. 

I'll eat it, if you don't like it, says Kant.

No, I like it, says Arthur. 

He takes a big bite. 

You have cheese on your chin, says Kant.

Arthur rolls the cheese into a ball with his finger, and eats it.

Perhaps you could ask me about my ideas on aesthetics, says Kant.

Just give me the main one, says Arthur.

Our basis of judgement forms a dichotomy, says Kant. On the one hand.....

Arthur thinks this is cheating.

Luckily, Sweezus arrives at this moment.

Hey! says Sweezus. You guys are in the best place. What are you drinking?

Cider, says Kant. And I was explaining...

Cool, says Sweezus. I'll get myself one. And those toasties look great.

Arthur has been giving me a lesson in poetry, says Kant. He came up with a line about the toastie. It was evocative, but lacked beauty, and from there we proceeded to my ideas on aesthetics.

Sweezus looks at Arthur.

Good one bro. You been writing it down?