Unwakeupable

It's five o'clock in the morning.

Here we are! says Letitia. It's been a long night. Now go and catch up on some sleep.

No need, says Gaius. We've been dozing. But you will be weary.

No way, says Letitia. I'm pumped. Finding that knowlesi!

A shame it got injured, says Gaius.

Yes, says Letitia. Frogs are delicate creatures and seldom recover from fractures.

What would you like us to do with it? asks Gaius. Or will you take it?

How about you keep it in your room until later, says Letitia. I could do with a nap.

Fine, says Gaius. 

He picks up the knowlesi and inserts it into its tubular frog box.

Wake up, Ludwig! says Katherine. 

She and Ludwig get out of the Toyota.

What's that I see over there? says Wittgenstein.

The camper! says Katherine.

She hurries over, and knocks on the side door.

There are stumbling sounds, one or two Fucks! and some crashings.

The door slides open.

Sweezus appears in his shorts.

Hello, dear, says Katherine. Did I wake you?

Yeah, says Sweezus. 

Sorry, says Katherine. I was just a bit surprised to see you. 

We're over the surfing, says Sweezus. Arthur's got heaps of cuts. And we figured we ought to start thinking about Copenhagen.

What about it? asks Katherine.

The Tour, says Sweezus. Team Condor's on the start list. I'm captain.

You boys! says Katherine. You always leave things till the last minute.

Three weeks! says Sweezus That's not the last minute.

Hmm, says Katherine. David and Vello have been practising for months.

They're old guys, says Sweezus. Anyway, we wanted to drop off the camper and borrow the Mazda.

Then you'll have to see Ludwig, says Katherine. 

Yeah, says Sweezus. 

Come up, says Katherine. We've got a room in the residential college. And later on today I'm cooking Baked Emu and Crushed Pumpkin. 

Baked Emu, says Sweezus. You stopped off in Emu Heaven?

I did, says Katherine. The frogs came out with lovely feathers.

Cool, says Sweezus. How'd they go? Did they meet up with any Slender Bleating tree frogs?

They did, says Katherine. We had such a great night. They won the competition, and not only that, we've come back with a knowlesi. 

Whatever that is, says Sweezus. Okay I'll come up.

He goes back into the camper to wake Arthur.

But Arthur is unwakeupable.

Sweezus pulls on a jumper, and follows Katherine into the residential college.

They go up the stairs.

Halfway up, Katherine finds two short blue silicone straws, with no legs in.

If He Had A Gold Pencil

It's raining, on the way back to Toowoomba.

Letitia has turned on the wipers.

It has been a long night.

Wittgenstein and Katherine are in the front, with Letitia.

Gaius sits in the back, with Terence, the frogs and Roo-kai.

Terence is drawing a picture of pants, for the knowlesi.

See, says Terence. Two legs, joined together. Otherwise they're only long socks.

Like these, says the knowlesi.

It flexes its leg casts.

Don't bend them, says Gaius. 

I'm not, says the knowlesi.

You are, says Gaius. It isn't your fault, those silicone straws are quite bendy.

Want us to sit on them? asks Quiet-Tartus.

No thanks, says the knowlesi.

May I have the pencil back, Terence? asks Gaius.

Terence gives him the pencil.

I want to make a a quick sketch of the knowlesi, says Gaius.

He starts making a sketch, using shading to indicate the dark patches on the back of the knowlesi.

The knowlesi watches.

Wouldn't a photo be better? asks the knowlesi.

Perhaps, says Gaius, If you hadn't broken your legs.

They're not broken, says the knowlesi.

Let us hope not, says Gaius. 

When you're better, says Terence, you can join the team.

That's for us to say, says Shorty-Tartus.

The knowlesi cares little. It begins to look sleepy.

 

Gaius goes back to his drawing. He draws a black stripe from the tip of the snout of the knowlesi, running down to its arm, past the eye. He draws the eye, horizontal. The iris is golden in the upper half, in the lower half, brown.

He draws an arrow, pointing to the golden part of the iris. He does not have a golden pencil. But that doesn't matter. He writes the word 'golden'.

The wipers go back and forth: wipe-wup...wipe-wup...wipe-wup.

Hypnotic, says Katherine. She closes her eyes.

Wittgenstein is dozing already.

Gaius releases the pencil, and snores.

Terence takes the pencil and draws socks on the knowlesi.

Letitia drives on, trying to figure out how the night's unfoldings might fit into her thesis. 

Dream Of Black Pants

Don't squeeze it! says Letitia.

Too late!

I didn't mean to, says Terence. It was too slimy.

The knowlesi splats onto the window, and slides slowly down behind the back seat.

koooaarrk! croaks the knowlesi.

At least I haven't killed it, says Terence.

Quiet-Tartus and Shorty-Tartus leap to the rescue.

What happened? asks the knowlesi.

You tell us, says Quiet-Tartus.

There I was, croaking happily, says the knowlesi. Then, a bright light, a tipping, a darkness, a jiggling, and bam! The rest you know. Why are you dressed like ninjas?

Long story, says Shorty-Tartus.

We won these costumes, says Quiet-Tartus.

But not the bottoms, says the knowlesi.

There were no bottoms, says Quiet-Tartus.

You could get some made, says the knowlesi.

That's what we thought, says Shorty-Tartus.

Is the knowlesi all right? asks Letitia. 

No, says the knowlesi. I have bruising and possible fractures.

Come here, says Letitia. She lifts up the knowlesi. 

Gaius shines the torch on its legs.

Letitia moves the legs of the knowlesi this way and that way.

Does that hurt?

Ouch! says the knowlesi.

Only an xray will tell, says Letitia. 

Ouch! ouch! says the knowlesi.

Stop kicking, says Letitia. You're making it worse!

Hold him still, says Katherine.

She takes a blue silicone straw from her inside raincoat pocket.

I always keep one of these handy, says Katherine.

Whatever for? asks Wittgenstein.

Drinks, says Katherine. It's reusable.

Very commendable, says Gaius. Perfect diameter, but in this case, too long.

I'm willing to sacrifice it, says Katherine. Who has a knife?

Me, says Letitia. 

She whips out a Swiss army knife.

Cuts two leg casts for the knowlesi. 

Gaius slides them gently on.

Comfy? asks Gaius.

What do you think? croaks the knowlesi.

They'd make good bottoms, says Shorty-Tartus. Can you get black ones?

Ha ha! laughs Terence.

You frogs don't know much about pants.

Unkind Cement Boy

Before we go, says Letitia, I'll just quickly check a few pipe traps.

I'll come with you, says Katherine. 

Okay, says Letitia. Let's go.

Gaius, Wittgenstein, Terence, Roo-kai and the victorious Tarti get into the university Toyota. 

You won! says Terence. And you've got ninja costumes.

Help us put them on, says Quiet-Tartus.

How? asks Terence.

Hold them open, says Shorty-Tartus. We'll work our way inside.

These are only tops, says Terence.

Ninja bottoms would be too long for frogs, says Gaius. 

But theoretically, we could have bottoms made, says Quiet-Tartus.

I suppose so, says Gaius.

The Toyota door opens.

It's Katherine.

Letitia needs a frog box!

Gaius rummages in the back seat amongst the tree pipe trap equipment.

Will this do?

It's a short section of PVC pipe, with a cap at one end. 

Is there a cap, for the other end? There should be one somewhere. Yes, here.

He jams the second cap on and hands it to Katherine.

Here is your frog box. May I ask....?

But Katherine has disappeared into the night with the frog box.

Not strictly a box, says Wittgenstein. Was it?

What is your idea of a box? asks Gaius.

Something with corners, says Wittgenstein. 

What about a hat box? says Gaius. Hat boxes are round.

Of course, says Wittgenstein. I had not thought of a hat box.

Katherine and Letitia arrive with their capture.

You'll never believe it, says Letitia. Look what we found in one of the pipe traps.

She takes the top cap off, and hands Gaius the torch. 

Gaius peers inside, where a small brown mountain frog glistens.

kurrrooak!

I don't think I know this one, says Gaius.

It's a philoria knowlesi! says Letitia. My first one.

Let's see, says Terence. Yuck! It's slimy!

That is unkind, says Roo-kai.

The knowlesi hops to the top of the pipe and looks around the Toyota.

A bunch of uninteresting grown ups.

The cement boy who has been unkind.

And two frogs dressed as ninjas, but without proper bottoms.

The knowlesi hops down to make their acquaintance.

Want me to catch it? asks Gaius.

I'll catch it! says Terence.

He makes a grab at the back legs of the knowlesi.

Yes! he has got it, but it's legs are super slimy.

He squeezes. 

Maybe too hard.

Hard Question Wins

The contest is finished, says Graceful.

Who won? asks Terence.

The winning team is not yet decided, says Graceful. It depends on who won Best Riddle.

Poisonous Mushroom was ingenious, says Wittgenstein.

But not funny, says Katherine.

Helicopter, says Terence.

Thanks, says Quiet-Tarus. Helicopter was mine.

Sticky fly paper, says Gaius. Whose was that one?

Mine, says Wittgenstein. 

You came up with the answer, says Gaius. But who asked the question?

Me, says the first ninja.

Then it seems I vote for you, says Gaius.

Very gracious, says the ninja.

What about mine? asks Shorty-Tartus.

Yours was too hard, says Terence.

What's hard about being a banana? asks Shorty-Tartus.

The question was hard, not the answer, says Terence.

Who cares? says Shorty-Tartus.

I do, says Graceful. I really liked yours. You could have been anything!

Yes, I could have, says Shorty-Tartus. 

Such as.... a carrot, says Gaius.

Shorty had not even thought of a carrot.

Ot a pumpkin, says Katherine, remembering her plans for Baked Emu.

Yes, yes, says Graceful. This is not helping us reach a decision.

May I suggest something? asks Roo-kai.

Go ahead, says Graceful.

Choose a frog to judge the best riddle, says Roo-kai. Either Emerald or Common.

What a great idea! says Graceful. Step forward, Emerald and Common.

Can we both do it? asks Emerald.

If you agree to agree, says Graceful.

It seems that they do.

Emerald and Common withdraw to confer on the issue.

They return after several seconds.

Who am I is the winner, says Emerald. The banana. 

Me? says Shorty-Tartus. 

He can hardly believe it.

Yay! says Terence. Our team is the winner.

Congratulations, says Graceful.

Good comp, say the ninjas.

They pull off their costumes. Would you guys like these?

Sure we would. Thanks! says the Tarti. Would you like our emu feathers?

Would we! say the ninjas.

The costumes and feathers are exchanged.

That was good, says Letitia. Now we ought to head back to Toowoomba.

Yes, says Gaius. I must write up what happened.

Me too, says Letitia.

Most enlightening, says Gaius. Thank you, Graceful. And thank you, Roo-kai.

That was nice. It's good to have your efforts acknowledged.

I Am Not A Potato

Final riddle, says Graceful. You, second Tartus.

The name's Shorty, says Shorty-Tartus.

Shorty-Tartus, sorry, says Graceful. Start your riddle.

Shorty-Tartus is rattled.

Why does he have to go last? 

It didn't help last time.

And how rude is Graceful, forgetting his name?

He decides to make his riddle super-tricky.

Serve them all right if no one can answer. 

Who am I? asks Shorty-Tartus.

We know who you are, says Graceful. What is your riddle?

It's Who am I? says Shorty-Tartus.

A rather open-ended riddle, says Gaius. 

Give us one clue, says Katherine.

Can you fly? asks Terence.

No, says Shorty-Tartus.

Now we're getting somewhere, says Wittgenstein. That rules out all aviation.

It's still hard, says Letitia.

I know, says Shorty-Tartus. 

Do YOU know the answer? asks Roo-kai.

Yes, he does, says Quiet-Tartus.

Let him answer, says Gaius.

He doesn't have to, says Quiet-Tartus. He only takes guesses.

Shorty-Tartus looks grateful.

Quiet-Tartus nods briefly, sensing a victory for the Tarti.

Are you a frog? asks Terence.

We've been through that already, says Quiet-Tartus.

Not with him, says Terence.

I'm not a frog, says Shorty-Tartus.

Can you eat? asks Terence.

Good question! says Roo-kai.

No, says Shorty-Tartus. 

Are you a rock? asks Terence.

No, says Shorty-Tartus.

One of the ninjas jumps in.

Can you be killed?

Shorty-Tartus is stumped for a moment.

Not killed exactly. Squashed maybe.

Then you are piece of fruit, says the ninja.

Close, says Shorty-Tartus.

A vegetable, says the other ninja. 

Less close, says Shorty-Tartus.

Another piece of fruit! says Terence.

Very close, says Shorty-Tartus.

Terence tries to think of a piece of fruit that is very close to another piece of fruit.

It's not easy.

Are you a grape?

No. Do you give up? asks Shorty-Tartus.

One more clue, begs Terence.

I can be peeled but I'm not a potato, says Shorty-Tartus.

We already know you're not a potato, says Wittgenstein. Why bring that in?

Because that's the real riddle, says Shorty-Tartus. I just wanted to make it much harder.

Well, he did a great job.

At last we all know what he is.

A banana!

Eating The Poisonous Mushroom

Who's going next? asks Graceful.

Me, says the second ninja. Imagine you're alone in the jungle, and you've eaten a poisonous mushroom.

That's not a riddle, says Terence.

I've not finished asking, says the second ninja.

No talking! says Graceful.

Meaning me? asks second ninja.

No, you keep going, says Graceful. I like the start of this riddle.

You know there is only one antidote, says second ninja. A female frog secretion. 

Yuck, says Terence. 

Hush!says Graceful.

You enter a clearing, and see a frog on a log. Is it a female? You have no idea. 

Unless you're another frog, says Gaius. Are we to assume you're a human?

In this riddle, yes, says second ninja.

Go and lick it, says Terence.

You are about to, says second ninja, when you hear a croak from behind. On a log sit two frogs and one of them has done the croaking. Therefore you know one of these two is a male. 

Why is it? asks Terence.

Only males croak, says second ninja.

Pretty much true, says Letitia.

You feel faint, says the second ninja. You must lick a female or die.

Exciting, isn't it! says Graceful.

I dont know, says Katherine.  Where is this going?

Conditional probability, says Wittgenstein.

You only have time to go one way or the other, says the second ninja. To the rock or the log. Which way do you go?

Log, says Terence.

Not so fast, says second ninja. First you must calculate your chances.

Fifty-fifty, guesses Katherine.

Only for the one on the rock, says Wittgenstein. Not for the other. Remember you have one extra piece of information.

The croak, saus Gaius. Therefore the ones on the log can't be both female.

Therefore what are the remaining possibilities? asks Wittgenstein.

Too late, says the second ninja. You've died!

Ha ha! laughs Graceful.  That was a very good riddle. Who's next?

Doesn't anyone want to know the answer? asks Wittgenstein.

I do, says Gaius. Is it seventy five?

No, it's sixty seven and a half says Wittgenstein. You see the female-female possibility has been eliminated, leaving male-female, female-male or male-male. Two thirds chance of you licking a female. Of course it goes without saying you must lick both frogs.

Fascinating, says Gaius.  Well done, second ninja. A mind-stretching riddle.

I got it right straight away, says Terence.

You did, actually, says Graceful. But you didn't explain your workings.

I didn't do any workings, says Terence.