General Applications Of Excrement

Wait here, says Victor. I need to examine the bicycle. I presume you deny that it's stolen.

Not stolen, says Kong Fu-Zi. But nor is it mine.

Typical, says Victor, getting up and walking back to the dirt heap.

Kong Fu-Zi wonders what it was that was typical.

Gaius comes back.

Found any dung? asks Kong Fu-Zi.

No, says Gaius, but I found various spots of bird excrement. Pity you lost the knife.

Take this pencil, says Kong Fu-Zi. It's quite sharp.

(It's the police pencil. Kong Fu-Zi is turning out almost as resourceful as Arthur).

You are familiar with Chinese medicine? says Kong Fu-Zi.

Not particularly, says Gaius.

I just thought you must be, says Kong Fu-Zi. Bird excrement. We use that.

Everyone uses it, says Gaius. Dung of quail is quite good.

Mixed with ashes of magpie nest, says Kong Fu-Zi. Good for nervous diseases, fluxes and as a general sedative.

I believe common house sparrow excrement, mixed with peppercorns, powdered and mixed with wine or spirits, also diminishes pain, says Gaius. The world of medicine agrees on these basic principles. It is most reassuring.

Off you go then, says Kong Fu-Zi. Here's the pencil. Don't break the lead. It belongs to the policeman

What an excellent pencil! says Gaius, closely examining the pencil.

He doesn't seem in a hurry to go back for the bird shit.

Victor returns, looking professional.

Now then, says Victor. I have a question or two.

Fire away, says Gaius.

Whose bike is it? asks Victor. Think carefully before you answer.

It belongs to Schopenhauer, says Gaius. He lent it to Kong Fu-Zi here. A gentlemen's agreement.

How long for? asks Victor.

An indefinite period, says Gaius. Don't tell me he's reported it missing.

No, he hasn't, says Victor. It was a lady.

What lady? says Gaius.

Kong Fu-Zi is glad Gaius is fielding the questions. He is feeling queasy and in dire need of excrement.

I don't reveal my complainants, says Victor. But this lady was persistent. That's why I'm here.

I assure you the Platonic Ideal does NOT belong to a lady, says Gaius. So ....

One more question, says Victor. Why is there paint on the bicycle?

Paintball, says Gaius.

At last! Victor has asked the right question.

You play paintball! says Victor. Do you know Paintball Sports in Kuitpo?

That's where we're going, says Gaius. We're meeting Freud there.

Victor looks at his watch.

Ten more minutes and he'll be off duty.