Stage Three

It is Stage Three of the Tour Down Under. The VeloDrone and Gymnosopher Ten are doing well, thanks to the Power Bar. So well are they doing, that Gymnosopher Ten now wears on his back the red number signifying Most Aggressive Rider. They are riding up a hill towards Stirling.

The VeloDrone: This is more like it. Have another Power Bar.

Gymnosopher Ten: Thanks.

The VeloDrone: You've changed your tune a bit since yesterday.

Gymnosopher Ten: Wisdom consists of being wise.

The VeloDrone: Well said. So it does. It is reasonable to try and win, if one finds oneself in a competition.

Gymnosopher Ten: Of course, one should also ask oneself why one has entered the competition.

The VeloDrone: And have you asked that of yourself? If you have, my friend, I am interested to know the answer.

Gymnosopher Ten: Well, Alexander gave me this bicycle. It seems a pity to waste it.

The VeloDrone: Very true.

They pedal on, meditatively, but with great effort.

Meanwhile Marie and Angel are riding at the very back of the peloton, forgetful of everything. So far back are they, that the police car following the last riders has passed them and normal traffic has resumed. They are forced to stop at traffic lights. They find themselves next to Mark Cavendish, who is wearing a bandage over one eye.

Mark Cavendish: Ohhh! Why is this happening to me?

Madam Denis: Everything happens for a reason. You should ask my friend Angel.

Angel: Don't worry Mark Cavendish. Remember, day is older than night, by one day.

Mark Cavendish: What's that supposed to mean?

Angel: Hard questions have hard answers.

Mark Cavendish: I see. Thanks, mate.

The lights turn green. They pedal on, meditatively.

Falling on Angel

Team Gymnosophy is riding in a group near the back of the peloton. They are lucky to be riding at all.

The VeloDrone: I still can't believe we missed Stage One entirely.

Madam Denis: At least we aren't disqualified.

The VeloDrone: Yes, that was a brilliant defence of yours, Marie. "My name is Denis. I'm riding as a man."

Gymnosopher Five: And ours! "We are riding as men who wear clothes". That confused them a bit. But they had to concede, because they'd allowed Madam Denis.

Madam Denis: Oh, do call me Marie.

Gymnosopher Ten: Where are we?

The VeloDrone: Somewhere near Mannum. Not far to go now, put some legs into it!

Gymnosopher Ten: I can't.

Gymnosopher Five: I told you you should eat something.

Madam Denis: Haven't you eaten anything? Here, have a Power Bar.

Gymnosopher Ten: No, thank you. Oh no, wait. Alright, I will. Must move with the times.

The VeloDrone: Good man! Eat it up and we'll go to the front.

Madam Denis: Yes, off you go! I'll stay back here with Gymnosopher Five.

Gymnosopher Five: Call me Gym.

Madam Denis: Then you'd both be called Gym. Wouldn't that be confusing? No, I shall call you Angel.

The VeloDrone: Marie! I don't know if I ought to be leaving you back here with this naked young man.

Madam Denis: Don't worry about me, uncle.

The VeloDrone: I'm more worried about him.

Gymnosopher Ten: Ohhhh! Watch out everyone! There's a spill up ahead!

And it was true. Mark Cavendish was down. So were many others. Team Gymnosophy, unable to slow down or circumnavigate the pile-up, tumbled off their bicycles as well.

Marie was happy that she had fallen on top of Angel.

Stage 14

It is the following day, as commonly happens in the Tour de France. The riders have reached Stage 14, and will soon be entering the Pyrenees. No one is looking forward to this.

Simone de Beauvoir and Belle et Bonne are discussing yesterday's conversation with Diderot, who is no longer riding with them behind the peloton.

Belle et Bonne: Wasn't it funny that we'd both read The Red Badge of Courage!

Simone de Beauvoir: Not all that funny. It's a famous book. The Americans are very proud of it you know.

Belle et Bonne: I know. They think it's the best book about war that anyone has ever written. But didn't you think Diderot was a bit weird about it? He's not an American. Yet he thought it was better than Tolstoy's War and Peace!

Simone de Beauvoir: Well, remember he is a backup rider for Team Encyclopedie, and may be called up at any time to play his part. He probably identifies quite strongly with the Young Soldier, wondering whether he'll be up to the challenge, or embarrass himself.

Belle et Bonne: The Young Soldier! Do you think so? But he's so old!

Simone de Beauvoir: How old do you think he is?

Belle et Bonne: I don't know. How old do you think he is?

Simone de Beauvoir: He looks about....

They are interrupted by Jean Paul Sartre, who has dropped back to pick up some spinach triangles for Team Philosophe. His friends are struggling before they have even reached the start of the final climb up to Ax3 Domaines.

Jean Paul Sartre: Have you got any more spinach triangles, Simone?

Simone de Beauvoir: No, mon petit. This is not a day for spinach triangles. You must all eat Power Bars today. Power Bars, Power Bars, nothing but Power Bars.

Belle et Bonne: Power Bars, Jean Paul !

Jean Paul Sartre: But I like spinach triangles.

Simone de Beauvoir: Too bad. There aren't any. By the way, mon petit. How old would you say Diderot is?

Jean Paul Sartre: I don't know. Why don't you ask him?

Simone de Beauvoir: I can't. I don't know where he is.

Jean Paul Sartre: Well, he's up ahead. He's just sped past us, going like the clappers.

Belle et Bonne: Oh goody! He must have been called up!

King of the Mountain

Voltaire and Hume are riding disconsolately at the back of the peloton. Rousseau is nowhere in sight.

Voltaire: Jean-Jacques has gone off his head!

Hume: Again.

Voltaire: Accusing me of not sharing my Power Bars and sports drinks! Outrageous! And now he's sulking most absurdly and threatening to pull out of the race.

Hume: You offered to share them, no doubt.

Voltaire: Of course. But you know him. He won't accept anything that smacks of charity. He insisted on paying me for them there and then. So there he was, rummaging around in his jersey pockets for some bits of change, and wobbling all over the road. You can imagine how I laughed. And of course that drove him to distraction. And then there was the drama with his irritating dog.

Hume: He should have left it at home. He was up all night cleaning up its mess. No wonder he's in such an evil mood today. Where is he anyway?

They look behind them. A strange sight meets their eyes. Rousseau is pedalling towards them at a phenomenal rate, clad in a long flapping Armenian caftan and a fur hat, Sultan well ensconced in a basket attached to the front of his bicycle.

Rousseau ( in passing): Farewell my enemies! I am commencing an undertaking hitherto without precedent, and which will never find an imitator! I intend, without the aid of anyone, to become King of the Mountain on Mont Ventoux!

Rousseau's Dog

Phil Liggett: Well, Jean-Jacques Rousseau, what do you think of your chances after today's time trials?

Jean-Jacques: Not so good Phil. I've had a terrible day, thanks to my so-called team mates letting me down badly yesterday.

Phil: Ah yes, David Hume seemed to be riding for himself, I noticed. He took off up the Col de Romme like a man possessed.

Jean-Jacques: The devil take him! He doesn't believe in the connection between cause and effect. That the sun won't rise tomorrow is to him just as likely as that it will. He rates the destruction of the universe equally with the scratching of his finger. But I blame myself. I should have known he wouldn't be a team player.

Phil: And what about your other team mate, Voltaire? You seemed to be as thick as thieves yesterday. What went wrong there?

Jean-Jacques: Voltaire! I detest him! He is the one who said every man is guilty of the good he did not do. Hah! Then he is guilty of not sharing his Power Bars and electrolytic drinks with me after I had tragically dropped mine and they were consumed by a dog!

Phil: Tragic indeed!

Jean-Jacques: Particularly as it was my own dog. And now poor Sultan has the flux! Voltaire of course, found the situation absurdly funny, and rode off laughing.

Phil: All in all, a couple of bad days for you then, Jean-Jacques.

Jean-Jacques: It's the story of my life. Disloyalty, persecution, you name it. I'm looking at a completely new team next year. Jean-Paul Sartre is interested. I'm sure I'll get on better with an existentialist. He'll just do what he has to do.

Phil: Well, better luck tomorrow, Jean-Jacques, and all the best to Team Philosophe.

Jean-Jacques: Thanks, Phil. Now I'm off to spend some quality time with dear old Sultan.