Stage 16: Saint-Paul-Trois-Chateaux to Gap

It's now Stage 16 in the Tour de France, and the last day before the Alps. We are about to find out what sort of stuff Alberto Contador, Cadel Evans and Andy Schleck are made of. On the wet descent into Gap, Evans passes Contador, to become overall second in the race. The commentators are excited.

Phil Liggett: Look at that! Evans is showing that he really wants to win this race.

Paul Sherwen: He is indeed. But Contador is still a force to be reckoned with.

Phil Liggett: He is. But where's Andy Schleck? He certainly doesn't seem to be at his best today.

Paul Sherwen: No he doesn't. Perhaps he ate something that disagreed with him yesterday.

Phil Liggett: If he did he wouldn't be the only one. The story is that Team Philosophe and Team Bumptious are suffering nasty stomach cramps after eating some Duck a la Limoux at their rest day picnic.

Paul Sherwen: That's one version of the story, Phil. I've heard from other sources that they overindulged in some of the local wines as well, and that's the reason why they're a little bit under the weather this morning.

Phil Liggett: Well, well. At least they're still riding. And they're very fortunate that their best rider Farky MacTaggart doesn't seem to have been affected at all.

Paul Sherwen: No. I was chatting to his team mate Sweezus earlier, and he told me that Farky MacTaggart is tee total, and also that he will never knowingly eat garlic. Which is by the way one of the main ingredients of Duck a la Limoux.

Phil Liggett: Well, thanks for that information Paul. Now perhaps you'd like to tell us why the air here smells of lavender?

Paul Sherwen: But it doesn't, does it?

Phil Liggett: I was just testing you.

Paul Sherwen: It does in the spring.

Phil Liggett: There you have it, from the man who knows.

Stage 4: Lorient to Mur-de-Bretagne

Rumour was rife amongst the riders, after Sweezus and Violetta had been overheard yesterday. Everyone was speculating about the secret weapons, including the commentary team.

Phil Liggett: Well Paul, I suppose you've heard about the secret weapons?

Paul Sherwen: I have indeed Phil. I bet Contador is shaking in his shoes, and Cadel Evans too, after his win today.

Phil Liggett: I think we can discount the paints as a secret weapon. Any team that uses paints will be sure to be disqualified. It's Farky who'll be the one to watch.

Paul Sherwen: He certainly will. And what a colourful character he is. The only dog ever to have ridden in the Tour de France. The puzzling thing is, he doesn't ride particularly fast.

Phil Liggett: That's true. It does make you wonder.

........

Meanwhile, somewhere between Lorient and Mur-de-Bretagne, The VeloDrone is ticking off Sweezus.

The VeloDrone: I mean, what's the point of a secret weapon, if you're going to blab to everyone about it?

Sweezus: Sorry, I didn't think anyone was listening.

The VeloDrone: You didn't eh? Then why were you talking?

Sweezus: I was talking to Violetta.

The VeloDrone: Hmm. Well there's no reason to tell her all our secrets.

Sweezus: I know. It sucks. Now everyone's watching Farky's every move. How's he going to get friendly with Contador's dog without people suspecting his motives?

The VeloDrone: Don't ask me. But it may not be Contador's dog that he needs to get friendly with anyway. Cadel Evans is looking pretty strong today.

Sweezus: Does Cadel have a dog?

The VeloDrone: I should say so! Haven't you heard of the famous Molly?

Norwood to Goolwa

Le Bon David and The VeloDrone are watching the final moments of Stage 4 of the Tour Down Under in the back of their campervan, and eating Goolwa fish and chips from a paper bag.

The VeloDrone: Merde! The German wins again! I don't believe it! He complained of muscle cramps yesterday.

Le Bon David: Lucky you're not a betting man.

The VeloDrone: Normally, that would be true.

Le Bon David: Oh dear.

The VeloDrone: ( glumly) It doesn't matter.

Le Bon David: No. I mean, Oh dear, look what's happening now!

They turn their attention to the tiny television set, where Phil Liggett is interviewing Team Existentialist about their possible disqualification.

Phil Liggett: So, Professor Freud, what happened back there?

Professor Freud: A complete debacle! Stones everywhere!

Phil Liggett: You claim that people in the crowd were throwing stones?

Professor Freud: No no, we were throwing the stones. But Rousseau was throwing his deliberately backwards, Sartre was throwing his stones at the trees, and I was throwing stones at them to try and make them stop.

Rousseau: What's this! You claim I did something wrong?

Professor Freud: Yes, you did, and so did Jean Paul.

Jean Paul Sartre: An existentialist does what he feels is contingent upon him to do.

Rousseau: As for me, I never claimed to be an existentialist. I am a Romantic. I do what I feel I must do. And as I do not wish to be hit on the head with a stone, I throw it behind me, in case Galileo is right.

Freud: Well, you got hit in the back by my stone! And that served you right.

Jean Paul Sartre: So did I. And all I did was throw stones at a tree!

Phil Liggett: Well, well, calm down gentlemen. It remains to be seen whether your team will be disqualified, although it won't make any difference to the overall results. But you'll be pleased to know that Professor Freud has been conditionally awarded today's jersey for the Most Aggressive Rider.

Le Bon David's Wall

Bonjour! Le Bon David here once again! We've had an unprecedented response to Rousseau's somewhat controversial article yesterday! Here are just a few of your comments:

::::::::::::

Bravo Rousseau! I invented a wooden bicycle years ago. I'm still riding it. Leonardo da Vinci.

Outrageous! Rousseau is an out and out hypocrite! He thinks we've forgotten him riding a metal bicycle in the 2009 Tour de France! Shame ! Phil Liggett.

There is no evidence to show that bicycles suffer from being chained to posts or railings for a reasonable amount of time. Dr Benjamin Spock.

It's about time someone came up with a wooden bicycle. Greenpeace.

Does Rousseau realise that wooden bicyles would have to be made from trees? Trees for Life.

What is the reasoning behind Rousseau's claim that a wooden bicycle need not be chained to a post or railing? Does he mean to imply that nobody would bother to steal a wooden bicycle? If so, we may conclude that nobody would want to ride one either. Geoffrey Robertson QC.

I want a wooden bicycle! Where can I buy one? Paris Hilton.

Rousseau's Dog

Phil Liggett: Well, Jean-Jacques Rousseau, what do you think of your chances after today's time trials?

Jean-Jacques: Not so good Phil. I've had a terrible day, thanks to my so-called team mates letting me down badly yesterday.

Phil: Ah yes, David Hume seemed to be riding for himself, I noticed. He took off up the Col de Romme like a man possessed.

Jean-Jacques: The devil take him! He doesn't believe in the connection between cause and effect. That the sun won't rise tomorrow is to him just as likely as that it will. He rates the destruction of the universe equally with the scratching of his finger. But I blame myself. I should have known he wouldn't be a team player.

Phil: And what about your other team mate, Voltaire? You seemed to be as thick as thieves yesterday. What went wrong there?

Jean-Jacques: Voltaire! I detest him! He is the one who said every man is guilty of the good he did not do. Hah! Then he is guilty of not sharing his Power Bars and electrolytic drinks with me after I had tragically dropped mine and they were consumed by a dog!

Phil: Tragic indeed!

Jean-Jacques: Particularly as it was my own dog. And now poor Sultan has the flux! Voltaire of course, found the situation absurdly funny, and rode off laughing.

Phil: All in all, a couple of bad days for you then, Jean-Jacques.

Jean-Jacques: It's the story of my life. Disloyalty, persecution, you name it. I'm looking at a completely new team next year. Jean-Paul Sartre is interested. I'm sure I'll get on better with an existentialist. He'll just do what he has to do.

Phil: Well, better luck tomorrow, Jean-Jacques, and all the best to Team Philosophe.

Jean-Jacques: Thanks, Phil. Now I'm off to spend some quality time with dear old Sultan.