The Champs Elysees

It's true. Cadel Evans has won the Tour de France. Now everyone can go home. But they don't all want to.

Sweezus: Paris is so beautiful. I don't want to go home.

Marie: We're going shopping on the Champs Elysees. Come with us.

Sweezus: Shopping!

Belle et Bonne: We're going to a famous shop called Laduree, to buy macarons and chocolates.

Sweezus: Awesome! What are macarons?

.......

The VeloDrone, Le Bon David and Farky are saying goodbye to Gustave, Gaius and Violetta.

The VeloDrone: Well goodbye, you three. Perhaps we shall we meet again.

Gustave: Perhaps. After all, we have much in common.

The VeloDrone: We all performed rather badly in the Tour de France, if that's what you mean.

Violetta: Speak for yourself. I performed rather well. So did Farky.

Farky: I won Most Aggressive Dog.

Gaius: And I did well in the individual time trials, even though the mints were just mints.

The VeloDrone: Alright alright, but next year we will have to try harder. And now, David and I must get home to our magazine. We haven't published anything for three weeks.

Violetta: What magazine?

The VeloDrone: Oh, nothing worth mentioning....

Le Bon David: It's a magazine about cycling and philosophy. We invite philosophers to write articles for it.

The VeloDrone ( loudly) : La la la! La la la!

Gustave: That is interesting. Perhaps you would consider inviting me. I like to think I am something of a philosopher.

Gaius: And me.

Violetta: And me.

The VeloDrone: Well, umm, surely you are all too busy.....

Violetta: Oh no, we're not busy at all.

Stage 21: Creteil to Paris Champs Elysees

At last the Tour is virtually over and Cadel Evans has virtually won the race. All he has to do today is remain on his bicycle until the finish line in Paris, which he is confident of doing. Gaius, however, in spite of doing extremely well in the time trials yesterday, is feeling anything but confident today.

The VeloDrone: What's wrong old chap? You look a little green.

Le Bon David: That will be the mints.

The VeloDrone: Mints?

Gustave: Mints? What's this about mints?

Gaius: Violetta's mints. They made me go faster. But I improved so much yesterday I was selected for a spot drug test.

Violetta catches up to the group.

Violetta: What's this? A spot drug test, Gaius. You aren't worried are you?

Gaius: Of course I am. I might be disqualified because of you.

Violetta: Why does nobody trust me? They were just freaking MINTS! They'll find nothing but pure minted pee.

.......

Sweezus is riding near the back of the peloton with Farky. Belle et Bonne and Marie are riding beside them on their hired motorcycle.

Belle et Bonne: Cheer up Sweezie! Don't look so grim.

Sweezus: It's just that I'm so disappointed.

Marie: But it was your first Tour de France. You've done well just to finish.

Farky: So have I.

Belle et Bonne: You certainy have, Farky dear. Would you like some chocolate?

Farky: No.

Sweezus: I will, thanks. And have you got any champagne?

Marie: No we haven't. The race isn't actually over. Have a sports drink instead.

Sweezus: Have you got any mints? Gaius has been boasting about how they make him go faster.

Belle et Bonne: Mints, eh? Were they Violetta's? That man will get himself disqualified.

Sweezus: No, no. They're just mints. But he believes in them, that's what makes him go faster. Violetta is clever that way.

Marie: Huh.

Belle et Bonne: Huh.

Farky: Heh heh!

Stage 20: Grenoble to Grenoble

It's the day of the individual time trials and all eyes are on Evans and the Schlecks. The dogs have got together in the dog tent to watch the television coverage. Molly, Jacks, Tour and Frank Scleck's dog Stewie are glued to the screen.

Jacks: I'm really nervous.

Molly: You should be, Jacks. Cadel's done his homework.

Stewie: I'm nervous too.

Tour: Me too. I'm probably more nervous than all of you.

Jacks: You know what, in an ideal world we'd all be hanging out for Farky MacTaggart to win.

Tour: Why? Because he's a dog? That's racist.

Stewie: Worse, it's species-ist.

Molly: Farky MacTaggart. I went out with him once. He's cool. He's into Japanese literature.

Stewie: No kidding! So am I!

Tour: Me too! I love those comics.

Molly: Not the comics, lowbrow!

Tour: Wooo! Lowbrow am I? Who of you has read all of Don Quixote?

Stewie: Donkey who? Is that like Donkey Kong?

Jacks: Shut up everyone, and watch.

Molly: Who's on next? Hey, it's that old guy from Team Bumptious who did so well yesterday.

......

Gaius is getting ready for his time trial. Violetta and Le Bon David are encouraging him while watching him warm up.

Le Bon David: Now Gaius, you did extremely well yesterday. This is your chance to rise in the overall standings.

Gaius: Yes, from nearly bottom.

Violetta: Don't be defeatist. Have a mint.

Le Bon David: Mint? What sort of mint?

Gaius: They're hot mints. They buck you up. Thanks, Violetta.

He takes two.

Le Bon David: Violetta, I hope you are not taking advantage of the innocent nature of Gaius Plinius Secundus.

Violetta: As if!

Gaius: Of course she isn't. And thanks for the reminder David. It's not for nothing that I'm a proud Secundus!

Violetta: You're planning on coming second? You'd better have another mint.

Stage 16: Saint-Paul-Trois-Chateaux to Gap

It's now Stage 16 in the Tour de France, and the last day before the Alps. We are about to find out what sort of stuff Alberto Contador, Cadel Evans and Andy Schleck are made of. On the wet descent into Gap, Evans passes Contador, to become overall second in the race. The commentators are excited.

Phil Liggett: Look at that! Evans is showing that he really wants to win this race.

Paul Sherwen: He is indeed. But Contador is still a force to be reckoned with.

Phil Liggett: He is. But where's Andy Schleck? He certainly doesn't seem to be at his best today.

Paul Sherwen: No he doesn't. Perhaps he ate something that disagreed with him yesterday.

Phil Liggett: If he did he wouldn't be the only one. The story is that Team Philosophe and Team Bumptious are suffering nasty stomach cramps after eating some Duck a la Limoux at their rest day picnic.

Paul Sherwen: That's one version of the story, Phil. I've heard from other sources that they overindulged in some of the local wines as well, and that's the reason why they're a little bit under the weather this morning.

Phil Liggett: Well, well. At least they're still riding. And they're very fortunate that their best rider Farky MacTaggart doesn't seem to have been affected at all.

Paul Sherwen: No. I was chatting to his team mate Sweezus earlier, and he told me that Farky MacTaggart is tee total, and also that he will never knowingly eat garlic. Which is by the way one of the main ingredients of Duck a la Limoux.

Phil Liggett: Well, thanks for that information Paul. Now perhaps you'd like to tell us why the air here smells of lavender?

Paul Sherwen: But it doesn't, does it?

Phil Liggett: I was just testing you.

Paul Sherwen: It does in the spring.

Phil Liggett: There you have it, from the man who knows.

Stage 15: Limoux to Montpellier

It is windy on the route from Limoux to Montpellier, but at least there are no steep climbs. Some of the riders are chatting amongst themselves.

Mark Cavendish: Hey, Contador! Do you ever feed your dog garlic?

Alberto Contador: Si! Claro! We eat lots of garlic.

Mark Cavendish: What about your dog, Cadel?

Cadel Evans: Pfffft! Never touch it. Why?

Mark Cavendish: Oh, nothing. Just wondered if it's good for dogs.

Thomas Voeckler: Hee Hee! It would be no good for yours.

Mark Cavendish: That's not funny, Thomas. Bugger off!

......

Meanwhile, Belle et Bonne and Marie are shopping in Limoux for the picnic tomorrow, when who should they see in the cake shop but their friend Professor Freud.

Belle et Bonne: Professor! It's lovely to see you again. How are you enjoying the Tour?

Professor Freud: There are too many fools on the sidelines.

Marie: That just makes it more fun.

Professor Freud: And none of my friends are here.

Belle et Bonne: Oh poor Professor Freud! Would you like to come to our picnic tomorrow?

Professor Freud: Picnic? Why thank you my dear. I should love to. Are these some of the things we will be having?

Belle et Bonne: Yes. We thought we'd buy lots of Limoux specialties. We'll start with some peradou, an aperitif cake, then we'll have some artichoke with salted liver, and some Limouxine duck, some Limos, which is a sort of stuffed bun, and finish off with some tap, which is chocolate.

Marie: And to drink, we'll have the local white wines, Blanquette de Limoux, and Crement de Limoux.

Professor Freud: I look forward to it. And perhaps we shall find time to discuss Yukio Mishima's book? Have you both finished it?

Marie: Yes we have. Now we understand how Molly the dachshund felt while she was reading it.

Professor Freud: A dog's view! That will be of great interest to me.

Stage 8: Aigurande to Super-Besse Sancy

Sweezus, Farky and Violetta are right up at the front of the main peloton, immediately behind the riders of Team BMC, hoping to hear something useful. What is Cadel Evans' race plan? Perhaps someone will let something slip.

Sweezus: So Cavendish's dog is dead?

Farky: I thought everyone knew.

Violetta: I didn't. Poor Mark Cavendish. Poor doggy.

Farky: It died last week. Cavendish was upset. He dedicated his Stage 5 win to his dead dog.

Sweezus: What kind of dog was it?

Farky: A poorly old Golden Retriever.

Violetta: Ahh!

Sweezus: Well that's that then. You'll have to concentrate on Molly.

Farky: Shut up! They might hear you!

Sweezus: Cripes! I'm such a dill.

....

Meanwhile, Gustave, Gaius, The VeloDrone and Le Bon David were lagging at the back of the race.

The VeloDrone: Young Farky is coming in useful.

Gaius: How's that?

The VeloDrone: He's made friends with Evans's dog.

Gustave: I don't hold with that kind of thing.

Le Bon David: What kind of thing?

Gustave: Secrets, false friendships, betrayals, that sort of thing.

Le Bon David: Harmless fun, Gustave, that's all. It's not as if we're expecting to win.

Gustave: And you call yourself a philosopher.

Stage 6: Dinan to Lisieux

It was a long and sometimes wet ride from Dinan to Lisieux. Violetta was near the front, hoping to win points in the mid-race sprint. Gustave and Gaius were riding some distance behind.

Gaius: So you say she's brought her paints?

Gustave: Unfortunately, yes.

Gaius: Oh dear. From now on I shall be checking every chateau wall for SPLOSH!es.

Gustave: SPLOSH!es! Good one.

........

Meanwhile, Farky was recalling his dinner with Cadel Evans' dachshund, Molly, the night before. He thought it had been going rather well:

Molly: Thanks for inviting me, Farky. Most other dogs are too scared.

Farky: Why?

Molly: Because of Cadel. Remember 2008?

Farky: No, what happened?

Molly: At the end of the race, journalists were getting too close to us, and Cadel growled at them: Don't step on my dog, or I'll cut off your head.

Farky: Woooh! Extreme!

Molly: You know Cadel. It was a joke really. Or it became joke in retrospect. Cadel even got some 'Don't step on my dog' tee shirts made, and sold them online.

Farky: Leaving out the bit about cutting off heads.

Molly: Wisely, don't you think? Who would want to wear them if they said that?

Farky: I don't know. I bet some people would.

Molly: Thirteen year old boys, for example?

Farky: Why do you say that?

And Molly had then told him something that made his toes curl.

Stage Five: Carhaix to Cap Frehel

Stage Five from Carhaix to Cap Frehel is being dogged by a series of crashes, but Gustave and Violetta are safe at the rear of the peloton. Gustave is ticking off Violetta.

Gustave: I thought you promised not to bring your paints. What's this rumour I hear?

Violetta: I didn't promise. You said 'I trust you are not going to bring your paints'. And I said 'Yes', meaning 'Yes I realise that you trust I am not going to bring my paints but that doesn't mean I'm not going to bring them.

Gustave: That is excessively deceptive of you Violetta. I'm very disappointed.

Violetta: Chill out Gustave. You'll probably end up being glad I brought them.

Gustave: I doubt it, Violetta.

........

Meanwhile, Le Bon David, The VeloDrone, Sweezus and Farky are riding together past some wind turbines.

Le Bon David: Look! Wind turbines!

The VeloDrone: Wonderful things, wind turbines. Clean renewable energy.

Sweezus: Yeah, but listen....

The VeloDrone: Yes, they are a bit noisy.

Sweezus: No I mean, listen, we have to talk about the dog situation.

Farky: What dog situation?

Sweezus: You know. How are you going to make friends with Contador's and Cadel Evans's dogs with people watching your every move?

Farky: Don't worry, it's all under control. I'm eating out tonight with Molly.

Le Bon David: Oh good man!

Farky: Watch it!

Stage 4: Lorient to Mur-de-Bretagne

Rumour was rife amongst the riders, after Sweezus and Violetta had been overheard yesterday. Everyone was speculating about the secret weapons, including the commentary team.

Phil Liggett: Well Paul, I suppose you've heard about the secret weapons?

Paul Sherwen: I have indeed Phil. I bet Contador is shaking in his shoes, and Cadel Evans too, after his win today.

Phil Liggett: I think we can discount the paints as a secret weapon. Any team that uses paints will be sure to be disqualified. It's Farky who'll be the one to watch.

Paul Sherwen: He certainly will. And what a colourful character he is. The only dog ever to have ridden in the Tour de France. The puzzling thing is, he doesn't ride particularly fast.

Phil Liggett: That's true. It does make you wonder.

........

Meanwhile, somewhere between Lorient and Mur-de-Bretagne, The VeloDrone is ticking off Sweezus.

The VeloDrone: I mean, what's the point of a secret weapon, if you're going to blab to everyone about it?

Sweezus: Sorry, I didn't think anyone was listening.

The VeloDrone: You didn't eh? Then why were you talking?

Sweezus: I was talking to Violetta.

The VeloDrone: Hmm. Well there's no reason to tell her all our secrets.

Sweezus: I know. It sucks. Now everyone's watching Farky's every move. How's he going to get friendly with Contador's dog without people suspecting his motives?

The VeloDrone: Don't ask me. But it may not be Contador's dog that he needs to get friendly with anyway. Cadel Evans is looking pretty strong today.

Sweezus: Does Cadel have a dog?

The VeloDrone: I should say so! Haven't you heard of the famous Molly?

Out of Sight

At the end of Stage Nine in the Tour de France, Team Philosophe is nursing its wounds.

The VeloDrone: That Col de la Madeleine has just about finished me off! Oh my legs and shoulders!

Le Bon David: Where's Simone? I need some of her embrocation!

Simone de Beauvoir: Here I am. Sit down and I'll rub it in for you. Where does it hurt?

Le Bon David: Would you mind if I did it myself? Here let me just stick my finger in. Ahh, that's better.

Jean Paul Sartre: Ohh! I'm next! And you can rub it in, Simone.

Belle et Bonne: At least you are all in one piece! Have you heard what has happened to Cadel Evans? He was riding all day with a fracture! He has lost his yellow jersey and, at the finish, he wept in despair.

Le Bon David: So that was the reason for the blue strapping on his elbow.

Belle et Bonne: Yes. Underneath that blue strapping was something no one could see. That reminds me, Uncle David. Have you come up with an answer to Simone's question yet?

Jean Paul Sartre: I bet he hasn't.

The VeloDrone: I bet he has.

Le Bon David: It's a curly one. Do colours exist in the absence of light? No, only when the light is on. But there are exceptions.

Simone de Beauvoir: Oh? And what are they?

Le Bon David: Certain objects are hot enough to emit light of their own.

Belle et Bonne: Oh bravo, Uncle David! You see, Simone?

The Colour Question

The women sped up. They intended to catch up with Le Bon David and ask him his opinion on the colour question. As they pedalled they discussed how they might frame the question so as not to discompose the philosopher.

Simone de Beauvoir: It's easy really. The question can be framed thus: Can colour exist in the absence of light?

Belle et Bonne: Why yes! That's what we'll ask him.

It was lucky that the problem was so easily settled, because at that moment they needed to direct their attention towards the riders in front who were involved in a spill.

Simone de Beauvoir: Goodness me! It's Lance Armstrong! He has fallen off his bicycle! That's a piece of luck for Team Philosophe! Hurry up, Belle et Bonne!

They soon caught up with Team Philosophe, who were not as far advanced as Simone and Belle had supposed them to be.

Belle et Bonne: Hello, team! Guess what? Lance Armstrong has fallen off his bicycle!

The VeloDrone (glumly) : So has Cadel Evans, but he has got back on his bicycle and shot past us with his rainbow jersey all in tatters. I won't be surprised if he ends up wearing the yellow jersey at the end of the day.

Jean Paul Sartre: Hello Simone! No wonder you've caught up with us. We're pooped!

Simone de Beauvoir: Courage, mon petit !

Belle et Bonne: Uncle David! I have a philosophical question for you.

Le Bon David: My dear! I have a philosophical question for you too. Is this the time to be asking me a philosophical question, when my legs feel like jellyfish tentacles?

Belle et Bonne: Oh no. I'm so sorry, Uncle David. How thoughtless of me! Tomorrow is a rest day and my question must wait until then.

Gawler to Hahndorf

Professor Freud is brandishing a stone in front of Lance Armstrong.

All you have to do, mein Freund, is throw it in the air when you are passing the spot where I shall be standing.

Sorry, mein crazy Freund, says Lance Armstrong. I'm an amiable guy, but I won't do it. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone.

Fine, says Freud, then I shall ask Cadel Evans. Perhaps he is less amiable than you.

The VeloDrone and Le Bon David have been listening. They decide it's time to intervene.

The VeloDrone: Well, hello, Professor Freud! What a surprise to see you here.

Professor Freud: Gotterdammerung! You are the last person I wish to see at the Tour Down Under!

The VeloDrone: Why so?

Professor Freud: Because I am here trying to double check the physics for the story I am writing for your magazine. I feel embarrassed.

The VeloDrone: No need to feel embarrassed. Perhaps David and I can help.

Le Bon David: Yes, my friend, we should be honoured.

Professor Freud: If you are here as members of Team Philosophe, then certainly you can be of some assistance.

The VeloDrone: No, unfortunately we are not. We forgot to get our entries in on time.

Professor Freud: Then I fail to see how you can help. I need the cooperation of some riders.

Le Bon David: Aha my friend! But we know something you don't know. Team Existentialist is here, and desperate for a sponsorship. I'm sure that whatever it is you wish them to do, they will do for a middling fee. And we will be only too happy to introduce you.

Rest Day

The VeloDrone and Le Bon David are discussing interview tactics.

The VeloDrone: I've teed up an interview with Cadel Evans this morning. What do you think I should ask him?

Le Bon David: Ask him about his Rainbow Jersey. That will get him in a good mood. See if he'll show you the rainbow stripes he's just had painted on his bicycle. Then when you've softened him up, hit him with something philosophical. Something our readers would be interested to read.

The VeloDrone: Like, why is winning important?

Le Bon David: No, of course not. He won't know what you mean by that. I mean something a bit more esoteric. Ask him if he prefers going uphill or downhill, for example. And when he says going downhill, ask him why.

The VeloDrone: What if he says going uphill?

Le Bon David: You can still ask him why. But I'll be very surprised if he prefers going uphill.

The VeloDrone: Then isn't it rather a silly question?

Le Bon David: No. And anyway, if I am surprised, so much the better.

The VeloDrone: Yes, yes, I quite see that. I'll ask him. Meanwhile, what are you going to do today?

Le Bon David: Since it is a rest day, I'm thinking of having a rest.

The VeloDrone: I have a better idea. Why don't you try and find out what that gentleman is up to over there?

Le Bon David: Where?

The VeloDrone: There. The one with his pockets full of stones.

Iced Coffee

We ought to have entered this ourselves, said the Velodrone. Why on earth didn't we?

Forgot it was on, said Le Bon David gloomily. Until it was too late.

Look, there's Jean-Jacques Rousseau over there with Jean Paul Sartre. They must have remembered.

Yes, said Le Bon David. Team Existentialist! What a joke! They'll never be able to agree on anything. Look at them arguing already over their breakfast. Let's sneak over and see if we can hear what they're saying.

The VeloDrone and Le Bon David sidle over to the cafe table where Rousseau and Sartre are deep in discussion under a colourful umbrella. They sit down at the next table with their backs towards Team Existentialist, and their ears open.

Jean-Jacques Rousseau: What's this you've got me! Farmers Union Iced Coffee? I can't drink this!

Jean Paul Sartre: Yes you can. It's a South Australian icon. All the locals drink it. If we're seen drinking it, who knows, we might get a sponsorship deal.

Jean-Jacques: Sacre Bleu! It tastes like a drink for a baby! And why aren't you drinking it yourself?

Jean Paul Sartre: It gives me bad gas. But at least I have it on the table in front of me. I'm sticking to water today.

Jean Jacques: Perhaps I should too. Eh bien! At least the weather here is agreeable. Who else is here by the way?

Jean Paul Sartre: Oh, Lance Armstrong with his new team, and Cadel Evans with his. Everyone has a new team. New bikes, new shoes, new sunnies, new jerseys, everything. What an event this is going to be!

Jean Jacques: Yes.....but wait a minute. New bikes, new shoes, new sunnies, new jerseys? How come we don't have those?

Jean Paul Sartre: Drink up your Farmers Union Iced Coffee, my friend, and then we shall see!

Jean-Jacques: Burrrp!