Stage 19: Modane Valfrejus to Alpe d'Huez

Andy Schleck surprised everyone yesterday. Now it is Alberto Contador's turn to go out early. The VeloDrone and Gustave are not overly concerned.

Gustave: I've been thinking about what you said yesterday, Vello.

The VeloDrone: What was that?

Gustave : That the obvious can still be bizarre. I don't see how it can.

The VeloDrone: Tut! Sometimes I come out with these things. But I'm sure I can justify my statement.....yes yes, for example, say you are reading a novel, and the hero or heroine coughs. It is obvious that later in the novel he or she is going to die. And yet, it's just one cough! The situation is bizarre!

Gustave: Oh, well done, Vello! I like a man who can wriggle out of a stupid statement.

The VeloDrone: Do you?

.......

Meanwhile Violetta and Farky have dropped back to ride beside Gaius, who is looking troubled.

Violetta: Gaius! Farky and I are about to make our big move. Want to be in it?

Gaius: I don't think I'd be able to keep up.

Violetta: Here! Have one of these!

Farky: What's that?

Violetta: Nothing. Just a sweetie.

Gaius: I could use a sweetie. Is it a mint?

Violetta (coughs): Excuse me! Yes, just a mint. Swallow it quick!

Gaius: Thank you, Violetta.

He tries to swallow the 'mint' without any water, and chokes.

Gaius (coughs): Excuse me! Oh yes, that's done the trick. I think I'll keep up with you now.

.....

Sweezus has slowed down to draw level with The VeloDrone and Gustave.

Sweezus: What's wrong with Violetta and Gaius? I heard both of them coughing.

Gustave and The VeloDrone exchange knowing looks.

Stage 9: Issoire to Saint-Flour

The following day, Le Bon David was still smarting from Gustave's remark. Dodging fallen riders, he manoeuvred his bike into the space beside his new team mate.

Le Bon David: I've been thinking, Gustave, about what you said yesterday.

Gustave: Have you, David? Remind me, what did I say?

Le Bon David: You said, 'And you call yourself a philosopher'.

Gustave: Oh yes, you don't seem a very ethical one. Nor do any of your so-called Team Philosophe.

Le Bon David: Well, I just wanted to say, I think that's rich coming from you.

Gustave (shocked): Why so?

Le Bon David: One word, Gustave, one word: Grafitti.

Gustave (even more shocked): Mon dieu! You don't think it was ME!

.....

Meanwhile Farky, riding slowly uphill with Sweezus and The VeloDrone, was telling them all about Molly.

Farky: And to make matters worse, she googled the author Yukio Mishima, and discovered a terrible thing.

Sweezus: What?

Farky: When Yukio Mishima had completed his masterpiece, a tetrology called The Sea of Fertility, he committed seppuku.

The VeloDrone: Good gracious, how dreadful!

Sweezus: What's that? What's seppuku?

The VeloDrone: It's ritual suicide.

Farky: Yes. Ritual suicide. Yukio always said he would die when he finished it. But it gets worse.

Sweezus: How can it get worse?

Farky, Well what you do is, you kill yourself and then your friend cuts off your head.

Sweezus: Euuggh!

Farky: No, it gets even worse.

Sweezus: I don't want to hear it.

The VeloDrone: Save it for tomorrow, Farky old chap. We're having a rest day, and I'm inviting Team Philosophe and Team Bumptious to a grand picnic.

Sweezus: Yeah, save it, Farky. A picnic! That's cool!

Stage 6: Dinan to Lisieux

It was a long and sometimes wet ride from Dinan to Lisieux. Violetta was near the front, hoping to win points in the mid-race sprint. Gustave and Gaius were riding some distance behind.

Gaius: So you say she's brought her paints?

Gustave: Unfortunately, yes.

Gaius: Oh dear. From now on I shall be checking every chateau wall for SPLOSH!es.

Gustave: SPLOSH!es! Good one.

........

Meanwhile, Farky was recalling his dinner with Cadel Evans' dachshund, Molly, the night before. He thought it had been going rather well:

Molly: Thanks for inviting me, Farky. Most other dogs are too scared.

Farky: Why?

Molly: Because of Cadel. Remember 2008?

Farky: No, what happened?

Molly: At the end of the race, journalists were getting too close to us, and Cadel growled at them: Don't step on my dog, or I'll cut off your head.

Farky: Woooh! Extreme!

Molly: You know Cadel. It was a joke really. Or it became joke in retrospect. Cadel even got some 'Don't step on my dog' tee shirts made, and sold them online.

Farky: Leaving out the bit about cutting off heads.

Molly: Wisely, don't you think? Who would want to wear them if they said that?

Farky: I don't know. I bet some people would.

Molly: Thirteen year old boys, for example?

Farky: Why do you say that?

And Molly had then told him something that made his toes curl.

Stage Five: Carhaix to Cap Frehel

Stage Five from Carhaix to Cap Frehel is being dogged by a series of crashes, but Gustave and Violetta are safe at the rear of the peloton. Gustave is ticking off Violetta.

Gustave: I thought you promised not to bring your paints. What's this rumour I hear?

Violetta: I didn't promise. You said 'I trust you are not going to bring your paints'. And I said 'Yes', meaning 'Yes I realise that you trust I am not going to bring my paints but that doesn't mean I'm not going to bring them.

Gustave: That is excessively deceptive of you Violetta. I'm very disappointed.

Violetta: Chill out Gustave. You'll probably end up being glad I brought them.

Gustave: I doubt it, Violetta.

........

Meanwhile, Le Bon David, The VeloDrone, Sweezus and Farky are riding together past some wind turbines.

Le Bon David: Look! Wind turbines!

The VeloDrone: Wonderful things, wind turbines. Clean renewable energy.

Sweezus: Yeah, but listen....

The VeloDrone: Yes, they are a bit noisy.

Sweezus: No I mean, listen, we have to talk about the dog situation.

Farky: What dog situation?

Sweezus: You know. How are you going to make friends with Contador's and Cadel Evans's dogs with people watching your every move?

Farky: Don't worry, it's all under control. I'm eating out tonight with Molly.

Le Bon David: Oh good man!

Farky: Watch it!

Stage 2 - Les Essarts to Les Essarts

Why was Alberto Contador grinning yesterday, as he passed Team Philosophe? Was it because he had passed Team Philosophe?

That is not very likely.

Was it because he had spied Farky's customised panda racing hat?

That is a little more likely.

Was it because he has seen his most feared rival Sweezus bobbing around in the sea back at the Passage du Gois?

That is even more likely.

Or was it because he was unaware that soon he would be involved in a pileup that would lose him well over a minute at the end of the day?

He stopped smiling after that.

.....

It was day two of the Tour. The Team Time Trials. Team Philosophe was in a pickle.

The VeloDrone: What can we do? We have only four riders and it's the fifth rider's time that counts.

Le Bon David: What we usually do. Join up with someone.

Sweezus: If only Marie and Belle et Bonne were here.

Farky: But we don't need them. Let's ask Team Bumptious. They're in the same boat.

So they asked Gustave if Team Bumptious would consider teaming up for the time trials. Gustave conferred with his team.

Gustave: Well what do you say?

Gaius: I say let's do it.

Violetta: I say so too. That Sweezus is hot.

Gustave: No he isn't. Did you hear what he did yesterday? He stopped riding and went for a swim.

Violetta: So romantic!

Gaius: Tch!

Only in Spain

You don't know who Lance Armstrong is? said Gustave, astonished.

Of course I do, replied Violetta. I merely meant to indicate that he is of no importance now. Our main rival in the Tour de France will be Alberto Contador.

True, said Gustave. I hear he is a little worried about the competition.

He should be, said Violetta. Not only because we are in it, but I believe that Team Philosophe is very strong this year.

I've heard the same, said Gaius. Very strong. They have a wonder dog, and a dark horse called Sweezus.

A dog and a horse! said Violetta. Bizarre!

He's not actually a horse, said Gaius.

........

Alberto Contador WAS worried by this year's competition. He had heard some alarming things about Team Philosophe. He mentioned his fears to his manager.

Alberto Contador: What is this I'm hearing about Team Philosophe? They are having a dog as a rider. Surely that is not allowed!

His Manager: Normally no. But they have produced a special permit signed by Nicolas Sarcozy. These French they stick together.

Alberto Contador: Madre de dios! And what if I was to wish to join my own personal dog to my team Saxobank Sungard? I think this would not be allowed, no way!

His Manager: It is not the dog you have to fear so much as this Sweezus.

Alberto Contador: Who is he this Sweezus?

His Manager: I hesitate to tell you.

Alberto Contador: Tell me nevertheless.

His Manager: His real name is Jesus. Sweezus is his Twitter name.

Alberto Contador: So what? Many men are called Jesus.

His Manager: Only in Spain, Alberto. Only in Spain.

Passage du Gois

Gustave is explaining the Passage du Gois to Gaius and Violetta.

It's a narrow passage between the mainland and the island of Noirmoutier. Twice a day it becomes flooded by the tide, he says.

Gaius' eyes open wide.

And we have to ride over it? I hope they have the timing right, he says.

Oh, if the tide is coming in, that makes it all the more fun, says Gustave. People drive over it in their cars all the time. There are foot races over the Passage too, beginning as the tide is receding. The runners start off running through the lapping waves.

This is crazy , says Violetta. I don't like it at all.

Don't worry, I'm sure it won't be like 1999, says Gustave.

What happened in 1999? asks Gaius.

A massive pileup of riders on the causeway, says Gustave. It created a six minute split in the peloton, dashing the hopes of some of the favourites.

Really? says Violetta. Who won?

Lance Armstrong, says Gustave.

Who? says Violetta.

Easy Beats

Gustave was not without influence in Paris. In a matter of hours Team Bumptious found itself booked on a flight to France, flying business class, with their bicycles professionally packed.

Now Violetta, said Gustave. I trust you will not be bringing your paints.

Yes, said Violetta.

Gustave left it at that.

The VeloDrone too was not without influence. He had secured a free flight for Team Philosophe including four bicycles on the same plane as Team Bumptious.

There was a tricky moment at the boarding gate when it was noticed that one of the team members was a dog.

May I see your ticket? asked the flight attendant.

Certainly, said Farky, showing his ticket, and a letter from Nicholas Sarkozy.

Welcome aboard, Mr MacTaggart, said the flight attendant. I hope you enjoy your flight.

Look over there, whispered Sweezus. Who's that?

Where? said Farky, looking around.

There, said Sweezus. Fat man with the mo, with the skinny guy in the toga and the woman with the massive bag.

I know who that is, said Le Bon David. That's Gustave Flaubert, the well-known writer. And that's his team, Team Bumptious. They're riding in the Tour.

They look like easy beats, said Sweezus.

Don't underestimate them, said The VeloDrone.

More Pressing Things

Over coffee, the conversation turned again to matters of art.

I don't believe, Violetta, said Gustave, that you really think street art is more important than photography.

Street art is real, said Violetta.

So is a photograph, said Gustave.

Hah! said Violetta. What about the one I tagged, of people wearing rabbits' heads, picnicking on the rocks. Or were they goats' heads? I can't remember.

Ah yes, said Gaius.

Ah yes what? said Violetta. Ah yes that wasn't very real?

Ah yes I think there were two photographs side by side, said Gaius. One where the people were wearing rabbits' heads and one where they were wearing goats' heads.

Ah yes, said Gustave,

You two are far too complacent, said Violetta. I still think it's only real things that matter.

Like tagging a photograph with someone else's name? said Gustave.

Pphhhttt! said Violetta. Anyway, we have more pressing things to worry about. I mean the Tour de France. Do you guys realise that the Grand Depart is this coming Saturday? We have to figure out how to get ourselves to the Passage du Gois in the Vendee.

Great Jupiter! said Gaius.

Merde! said Gustave. We must start to make arrangements at once!

A Strict Code of Conduct

They made it back to Norwood in record time.

Phewww! said Gustave. That was close!

I've never pedalled so fast in my life, puffed Gaius.

Exactly! said Violetta. See what you can do when you try.

You mean, when we're implicated in a criminal act, said Gustave, sourly.

Ah, but that's just it, said Violetta. You havn't committed a crime, and nor have I.

You lied? sad Gaius, amazed. You didn't tag the street art downstairs in the gallery?

No, what do you take me for? said Violetta. We street artists have a strict code of conduct, you know.

Wait a minute, what about that GUS! tag you scrawled all over the picnicking rabbits, (or goats)? asked Gustave.

Pooh! said Violetta. Photography is not as important as street art. Anyway it'll wipe off easily. And nobody knows who GUS! is anyway. Aren't you pleased to know how fast Team Bumptious can ride, when the pressure's on ?

I suppose so, said Gustave.

Yes, I suppose so too, agreed Gaius. Shall we have a coffee? We deserve one.

Alright, said Violetta. Who's paying?

Me, said Gaius. I'm enjoying today.

Panic Upstairs

What do you mean we have to get out of here pronto? asked Gustave. We haven't finished looking at these interesting photographs.

Never mind that! said SPLOSH! The guards are after me! Quick, let's go down the side stairs!

Why are they after you? asked Gaius. What have you done?

I've tagged all the artworks downstairs, said SPLOSH! and now we have to leave.

You may have to leave, my dear SPLOSH!, said Gustave mildly. But Gaius and I haven't done anything wrong.

SPLOSH! took out a marker pen and wrote GUS! in large fat letters in the corner of the photograph of the picnicking rabbits ( or goats ).

Now you, she said to Gaius, waving the marker pen threateningly. What street name shall we give you?

No! cried Gaius. That's enough. We're leaving down the side stairs.

Yes we are, spluttered Gustave. SPLOSH! you really are a handful!

They raced down the side stairs nearly falling over one another in their haste. They ran through the foyer, out of the main door, jumped onto their bikes and pedalled away, with SPLOSH! in the lead. Gustave and Gaius were in such a state of panic they didn't notice that no one was chasing them at all.

Hijacked

Here we are, said SPLOSH! at the entrance to the Samstag Museum. You're in for a treat. Not that you deserve one, she added.

Me? said Gaius, looking hurt.

No, him, said SPLOSH!, indicating Gustave. But never mind, get ready to be blown away!

They entered the exhibition space. The walls were lined with huge colourful canvases of various types of street art by Chor Boogie, Dlux! B.U.G.A.U.P, Phibs, Scram, Zap and Zombe.

Wow! said SPLOSH! Don't you love it!

Colourful, said Gustave. And large.

Mmm, said Gaius. I don't like it. I feel that street art loses street cred when displayed in a gallery.

Street cred! Crap! said SPLOSH! This gives it the exposure it deserves. This is the way forward for graffiti artists. Removable panels on city walls. Don't you see how fantastic it is?

No, said Gaius. I'm going upstairs to look at HIJACKED 2.

I'm coming with you, said Gustave.

And they both got into the lift, leaving SPLOSH! downstairs on her own.

A Good Mood

Gustave was annoyed at having to pay for Gaius and SPLOSH'S lunch. He decided to take them to Dolores, a chintzy cafe patronised by elderly ladies, and order the pumpkin soup. He had his reasons.

Pumpkin soup all round, he said to the waitress, and brown bread toast to go with it.

The pumpkin soup arrived promptly.

SPLOSH! picked up her soup spoon.

Take care, said Gustave, split seconds too late. It'll be burning hot.

Yeeouch, said SPLOSH!, I've burnt my tongue. Why didn't you warn me?

I did, said Gustave. But you were too quick.

SPLOSH! ate the rest of her soup slowly, with long pauses.

The waitress came back.

Have you finished? she asked.

No! said SPLOSH! crossly. I'll be finished when I get to the bottom of the bowl and when there are no more of these greasy toast soldiers.

The waitress flounced off.

Idiot! hissed SPLOSH!.

Theres nothing wrong with a bit of zeal and alacrity, observed Gustave.

I say, can we order a drink? asked Gaius.

No, said Gustave. Soup is a drink. You don't need a drink with soup.

Oh, said Gaius, who would have liked a drink after his soup.

And so it was that when they arrived at the Samstag Museum, a half an hour later, the only one in a good mood was Gustave.

SPLOSH

Gaius and Gustave were looking forward to Violetta's picnic. They wondered what sort of food she would have in her basket. Would it be ham and cheese sandwiches, mandarins, lemon squash? Would it be pate de fois gras, baguettes, cold chicken, champagne?

They stopped at a bench under a tree in the Botanical Gardens. Violetta lifted the lid of her wicker basket.

Inside was an assortment of spray paint cans, stencils and marker pens, and three black woolly balaclavas.

Where's the food? asked Gaius?

Team Bumptious has no need of food, said Violetta. I'm going to introduce you to the thrilling and subversive art of speed graffiti, using stencils. My street name is SPLOSH! I'm sure you'll have heard of me.

No, we haven't said Gustave. And there will be no speed graffiti using stencils until we've had lunch.

Hear hear, said Gaius. And maybe not then.

Come on boys, said SPLOSH!, persuasively. Graffiti is the best. Its a rush. It's the shit.

No, said Gaius. I disapprove of the defacing of public property. And so does Gustave.

Not entirely, said Gustave. Being a novelist, my opinion varies with my point of view.

That's what I like to hear, said SPLOSH! Right, boys. We WILL get some lunch. That'll put you in a better mood. Then I'll take you up the road to the Samstag Museum, to look at the May Lane Street Art Project travelling graffiti exhibition.

Good, said Gustave. I mean, lunch is good. Are you paying?

SPLOSH! never pays, said Violetta. Now, where are you taking us?

The Delights of Cycling

My fault? said Gaius. What is my fault?

Talking about the music hall Violetta, with no arms and legs. No wonder she legged it.

Yes that was unfortunate, said Gaius.

It was! said Gustave, crossly. You have spoiled my intrigue with Violetta. She had suggested some sort of combination.

Nonsense, said Gaius. She merely wants to ride with us tomorrow and then show us something interesting. I wonder what it can be?

If she turns up in lycra, I know what it will be, said Gustave.

Tch!, said Gaius.

The next morning they met at Cibo's in Norwood. Violetta was wearing baggy shorts, and a loose fitting sweater, and wheeling a bicycle.

Is that your bicycle? asked Gustave.

Yes, is there something wrong with it? asked Violetta.

No, no, said Gustave. Only it isn't exactly a racing bicycle.

Don't you worry about that, said Violetta. I ride fast. And wait till you see what's in my wicker basket.

What? asked Gaius.

Later, said Violetta.

They drank their coffees and set off down The Parade, Gaius and Gustave trying hard to keep up with Violetta, who soon disappeared out of sight.

We've lost her, puffed Gaius. Now we'll never know what was in her wicker basket.

I'm beginning not to care, said Gustave, breathing hard.

Just then Violetta appeared, looking stern.

Just as I thought, she said. You two are not serious. Let us repair to a park bench and start on my picnic. After that, we are going to look at some graffiti!

Picnic! cried Gaius. How civilised !

Graffiti! said Gustave. How.....random.

Not THAT Violetta

Combine the two? Gustave wondered what Violetta meant. He motioned Gaius to come over.

This is Gaius, he said to Violetta. And this is Violetta.

THE Violetta? asked Gaius.

Which one? asked Violetta.

Don't you know? asked Gaius, confused.

Of course I know, said Violetta. But I don't know if YOU know.

Well, said Gaius. My guess is you are not the famous Violetta with no arms and no legs, who worked in the music halls.

Because I have arms and legs, said Violetta?

No, because you are too plump, said Gaius.

Then, realising his mistake, he added, But you do have arms and legs.

And then, because he felt he had not yet put things right, he said, And you are not so very plump.

Well said, old friend, interrupted Gustave. But before you dig yourself any further into that hole, I should tell you Violetta is the newest member of Team Bumptious and will be joining us in our training regime tomorrow morning.

Very good, approved Gaius. So let us all now go home for an early night.

Gustave looked at Violetta.

Good idea, said Violetta. I'll meet you at Cibo's in Norwood at 8am, for coffee. Then, after we've ridden around for a bit, I promise to show you both something interesting. Good night, boys! See you in the morning.

She stood up and left the bar.

Gustave looked at Gaius.

That was your fault, he said.

Team Bumptious

Team Bumptious, I like it, said Gustave. Aggression, self aggrandisement, thrills and spills.

Thrills and spills, said Gaius. I don't know about that.

Bumps! said Gustave. Bumptious. Word play, don't you see?

Hmm, said Gaius. I have no intention of bumping into anyone, or falling off my bicycle. But Team Bumptious it shall be. Now we ought to go home and get an early night, so we can start practicing first thing in the morning.

No, no, said Gustave. Since this is our last night before we begin a strict training regime, I vote we make a night of it. Would you like another glass of red? And look, there's our plump lady sitting over there by herself.

He went over to reintroduce himself to the plump lady.

Hello again, he said, I believe we sat together at table 26.

Yes I remember, said the plump lady, what do you want?

To join you, said Gustave, with a twirl of his walrus moustache.

Why, am I coming apart? said the lady.

Ha ha, laughed Gustave. A sense of humour. I like that in a woman. I am Gustave Flaubert. And my friend over there is Gaius Plinius Secundus, he added, waving a finger vaguely in Gaius's direction.

My name is Violetta, said the lady. Are you THE Gustave Flaubert? And is your friend THE Gaius Plinius Secundus?

We are, said Gustave. And are you THE Violetta?

That depends on who you think THE Violetta is, said the lady. I like to think so. And I rather think that we three are going to be friends. What are you both doing tomorrow?

Unfortunately, we are beginning a strict cycling regime so our team will be ready for the Tour De France in July, said Gustave.

Oh! Would you like another member? asked Violetta. I could do with some exercise.

That is not quite what I had in mind, said Gustave.

It's not quite what I had in mind either, said Violetta. But perhaps we can combine the two.

The Twenty First Century

Your mistress! cried Gaius. What are you thinking of, Gustave? This is the twenty first century! You must reconsider!

Oh alright, said Gustave, who had already reconsidered. He sat down. What would you like to do now?

Let's go to the Lyrics Bar and have another drink, said Gaius. On you.

No, on you, said Gustave, standing up again. Those tickets were worth quite a lot.

They walked over to the Lyrics Bar and sat down at a table. Gaius ordered two cabaret cabernets, and a platter of cheese.

I really shouldn't be eating this cheese, said Gustave. I've been putting on weight lately.

Lately, scoffed Gaius. You've been portly for as long as I've known you. You should do more excercise.

I've been thinking of taking up cycling again, said Gustave.

Indeed? So have I, said Gaius. We should do it together.

Done! said Gustave. Let us begin first thing in the morning. Who knows, by next month we may be fit enough for the Tour de France!

The Tour de France, said Gaius, doubtfully. That's ambitious.

Yes, we could get up a team, what shall we call ourselves? Umm... What do you and I have in common?

We are both famous writers, said Gaius.

So we are, said Gustave. Very famous. But I am a serious novelist while your subject is outdated natural history.

What is that supposed to mean? asked Gaius, annoyed. I've been famous a lot longer than you.

Just saying, said Gustave. Don't mind me, old friend. Help me think of a name.

Team Bumptious, said Gaius.

Gustave goes Off

Gillian Cosgriff walked on to the stage in a short red dress and sat down at the piano to sing. She was young and pretty, with a strong clear voice and an engaging stage presence. She had written most of the songs herself. She sang of being a waitress and being rejected for parts in musicals. She sang of Jasper who could not commit to a relationship. She charmed everyone, including Gaius, Gustave, the plump lady and the elderly row in front.

Gustave laughed when the plump lady laughed, but not quite as loud. Gaius could not take his eyes from Miss Gillian Cosgriff.

At times the stage was illuminated by a suspension of glittering stars. Starstruck, Gaius dreamed he was Jasper singing I Love You to Miss Gillian Cosgriff, rather than I Love Eu....rope and I Love U....niversity as Jasper had done. The failings of Jasper did not strike Gaius as comic in the least.

In no time the show was over. The plump lady stood up and melted away.

Thank god for that, said Gustave. I am free.

What do you mean, asked Gaius, waking up from his dream.

I mean, said Gustave, that I am in love wth Miss Gillian Cosgriff, and I am off tout suite to the stage door to beg her to become my mistress!

Gustave and Gaius at the Cabaret

It happens that I have two tickets for a cabaret show tonight, said Gustave Faubert, grandly. Would you like to accompany me, old friend?

Why, err, what is it? asked Pliny, somewhat taken aback by the unexpected invitation.

It is a comical musical presentation by a Miss Gillian Cosgriff,said Gustave. She is said to be very talented and amusing.

Comical and amusing, said Pliny doubtfully. Perhaps it's not quite me.

Of course it's you, roared Gustave. Get dressed. You're coming. Wear something red, he added. Or you'll stick out like a sore thumb.

Pliny borrowed my red scarf, Gustave called a taxi, and the two friends went out into the night.

Soon they were walking along King William Street, towards the Festival Theatre. The sky was black, the city lights sparkled on the dark river. It was cold. Pliny was glad of the red scarf.

Comical singing, he thought to himself. I'm sure I won't like it.

Here we are! said Gustave. How about a drink, Gaius?

Yes thank you, said Pliny, pleased to be called Gaius, which immediately made him feel more debonair.

Two cabaret cabernets, ordered Gustave, at the bar. My friend will pay.

Gaius paid, with no hard feelings. They joined a long queue of people wearing dark clothes with red accessories, and clutching glasses of wine. Soon the queue began to move into the theatre and up onto the stage behind the billowing red velvet curtains. Gustave and Gaius sat down at table 26, in the centre of the rapidly filling room.

Gaius was excited. It was a long time since he had been to a show. Gustave was chatting to a plump lady who had sat down in an empty chair beside him.

Excuse our backs, said a row of three elderly ladies on the far side of the table.

Certainly, said Gaius, taking a large swig of his red wine. The lights dimmed.