Rest Day: Picnic with Professor Freud

It is the second rest day of the Tour. Team Philosophe, Team Bumptious, Belle et Bonne, Marie and Professor Freud have spread their picnic in a field of flowers outside Montpellier. All except Farky have already tossed down a few glasses of Blanquette de Limoux. Professor Freud is explaining the psychology of Yukio Mishima to anyone who cares to listen.

Professor Freud: Of course, it was all because his grandmother, a woman prone to morbid and violent outbursts, took him away from his family at a very young age, kept him out of the sunlight and only allowed him to play with his girl cousins and their dolls.

Belle et Bonne: You don't say! Here Professor, have a pebradou.

Professor Freud: Thank you my dear. What is this again? A stuffed bun?

Marie: No that's not the stuffed bun. That comes later. This is an aperitif cake. Have a splash more of Blanquette to go with it.

Le Bon David: I'll have more too, Marie. It's a jolly good drop.

Sweezus: This is brilliant! What a day! What a picnic! What's this yellow meat?

Farky: I already asked. It's Duck a la Limoux. Duck with saffron and garlic. Yucky duck.

Sweezus: But I thought you liked duck. Is it the garlic? You can eat a mint afterwards.

Gustave: Yes Farky, a mint will get rid of garlic breath.

Gaius: Yes it will, it's been a tried and true method since Roman times.

Farky: I know you humans think so, but it doesn't work for dogs. In fact, let me tell you something, it doesn't work that well for humans either....

Professor Freud: ....and then, when he went back to live with his family, his father, a strict military disciplinarian, used to hold him up to speeding trains, and raid his room to search for poetry. A classic case.....

Violetta: A classic case of what, Professor?

Professor Freud: Of someone who becomes fascinated by death of course.

Violetta: Who are we talking about?

The VeloDrone: Molly is it? The dachshund. May I try that Cremant, Belle dear?

Le Bon David: Me too, while you've got the bottle there, Belle.

Belle et Bonne: Molly isn't fascinated by death. She just got confused by the authorial voice.

Farky: Is that what it was? Did you and Marie think the same?

Violetta: The same as what?

Farky: That the text was written by a madman.

Violetta: I have to read this book.

Marie: We thought that it would have been best not to know anything at all about the author, either before or after reading it.

Violetta: Well, thank you Professor.

Professor Freud: What have I done? And when are we having this stuffed bun?

Stage 12: Cugnaux to Luz-Ardiden

The Tour has now reached the Pyrenees. Gustave and Gaius are toiling up the Col du Tourmalet, cursing the day they were born.

Gustave: Uh huh, uh huh, uuuuh, this is killing me!

Gaius: Courage my friend! It's killing me too.

Gustave: I don't have the legs!

Gaius: Think of France! Neither do I.

Gustave: My poor friend! Think of ancient Rome!

Gaius: I do! There were no bicycles then.

Gustave: Where is Violetta?

Gaius: Up the front somewhere. No one can say she hasn't the legs.

Gustave: She is like a machine, that woman. If only we could trust her....

Gaius: But we can't. You know the gendarmes are asking questions about you?

Gustave: Merde! About me?

......

Meanwhile, The VeloDrone and Le Bon David are even further behind, having decided to walk their bicycles up the Col.

The VeloDrone: After all, what does it matter? We don't want to kill ourselves.

Le Bon David: True, true. We don't want to die.

The VeloDrone: Not today, anyway.

Le Bon David: Ha ha! Naturally, I meant not today. But I can't help thinking about that Japanese chappie.

The VeloDrone: Yukio Mishima?

Le Bon David: Yes, him, and his seppuku.

The VeloDrone: But of course, with a grandmother like that, not allowing him sunlight....

Le Bon David: And a father like that, holding him up to speeding trains....

The VeloDrone: It's a wonder he achieved anything at all. And yet, he was undoubtedly a brilliant novelist.

Le Bon David: And how are the girls enjoying the book?

The VeloDrone: Belle et Bonne nearly gave up at the disembowelling of the kitten, but Marie persuaded her to go on.

Le Bon David: Good, good. By the way, I'm starving. Is there anything to nibble?

The VeloDrone: Let me see. Here, let's go halves in a Kit Kat.

Stage 11: Blaye-les-Mines to Lavaur

Belle et Bonne and Marie are in the bookshop, looking for a copy of The Sailor Who Fell from Grace with the Sea. They have just located one and picked it up from the shelf when they see Professor Freud peering in their direction.

Marie: Oh look! Is that Professor Freud?

Belle et Bonne: Yes it is! Hello Professor! I didn't know you were riding in the Tour this year!

Professor Freud: Hello my dears. No, I'm not riding, I'm not allowed to after the stone-throwing incident last year.

Belle et Bonne: Oh dear. Yes, I remember. That wasn't really your fault.

Professor Freud: Yes it was. I should have known better.

Belle et Bonne: You were just testing Galileo's theory.

Professor Freud: I was, but it was the wrong place to be doing it. What's this you're reading?

Marie: It's Yukio Mishima's The Sailor Who Fell From Grace with the Sea.

Professor Freud: An interesting book, by a fascinating case study! Let me know what you think when you've read it.

Belle et Bonne: Yes, we will.

.....

Meanwhile it is cool and wet on the Stage 11 road from Blaye-les-Mines to Lavaur. Cavendish, the Manx Missile is riding next to Farky, who is bemoaning his fate.

Farky: And I was going out on a date with her last night, but I had to cancel.

Mark Cavendish: Why was that?

Farky: Garlic breath.

Mark Cavendish: Aah.

Farky: Garlic's no good for dogs.....

Mark Cavendish: I used to give garlic to my Golden Retriever.

Farky: And now it's dead.

Mark Cavendish: Oops! Sprint's coming up! Bye!

Stage 10: Aurillac to Carmaux

Farky, who had drunk water at the picnic, was riding up near the front of the peloton. The others were feeling a little under the weather, and kept towards the back.

Sweezus: What are Belle et Bonne and Marie doing today?

The VeloDrone: They're looking for a bookshop. They want to buy a copy of The Sailor Who Fell from Grace With the Sea.

Violetta: Sheesh! I wouldn't want to read it. Farky hasn't exactly been talking it up.

Sweezus: Yeah, funny isn't it. He keeps saying 'it gets worse'.

Le Bon David: I gather he means it gets worse for Molly. Poor Molly. She should never have googled the author.

Gustave: Yes, I agree. The story is gruesome enough, but what happened to the author was worse.

Violetta: You mean, when his friend failed to cut off his head? So another friend had to do it. And then the first friend had to do seppuku too.

Gaius: What's so terrible about that? We Romans....

Gustave: Button up Gaius! No, it was worse than that.

Sweezus: Now you sound like Farky.

Gustave: Well it was. Worse for Molly.

Le Bon David: Absolutely. When she read about Yukio Mishima's childhood.....

Sweezus: Yeah.

Just then Farky appeared, dropping back to ride with them.

Farky: Burrrp! Oooh! Pardon! What was in that aligot stuff we ate yesterday?

Violetta: Just Chantal cheese, mashed potato and garlic.

Farky: Yikes! Garlic! Molly hates garlic. I'm done for!

Stage 9: Issoire to Saint-Flour

The following day, Le Bon David was still smarting from Gustave's remark. Dodging fallen riders, he manoeuvred his bike into the space beside his new team mate.

Le Bon David: I've been thinking, Gustave, about what you said yesterday.

Gustave: Have you, David? Remind me, what did I say?

Le Bon David: You said, 'And you call yourself a philosopher'.

Gustave: Oh yes, you don't seem a very ethical one. Nor do any of your so-called Team Philosophe.

Le Bon David: Well, I just wanted to say, I think that's rich coming from you.

Gustave (shocked): Why so?

Le Bon David: One word, Gustave, one word: Grafitti.

Gustave (even more shocked): Mon dieu! You don't think it was ME!

.....

Meanwhile Farky, riding slowly uphill with Sweezus and The VeloDrone, was telling them all about Molly.

Farky: And to make matters worse, she googled the author Yukio Mishima, and discovered a terrible thing.

Sweezus: What?

Farky: When Yukio Mishima had completed his masterpiece, a tetrology called The Sea of Fertility, he committed seppuku.

The VeloDrone: Good gracious, how dreadful!

Sweezus: What's that? What's seppuku?

The VeloDrone: It's ritual suicide.

Farky: Yes. Ritual suicide. Yukio always said he would die when he finished it. But it gets worse.

Sweezus: How can it get worse?

Farky, Well what you do is, you kill yourself and then your friend cuts off your head.

Sweezus: Euuggh!

Farky: No, it gets even worse.

Sweezus: I don't want to hear it.

The VeloDrone: Save it for tomorrow, Farky old chap. We're having a rest day, and I'm inviting Team Philosophe and Team Bumptious to a grand picnic.

Sweezus: Yeah, save it, Farky. A picnic! That's cool!