Stage 20: Grenoble to Grenoble

It's the day of the individual time trials and all eyes are on Evans and the Schlecks. The dogs have got together in the dog tent to watch the television coverage. Molly, Jacks, Tour and Frank Scleck's dog Stewie are glued to the screen.

Jacks: I'm really nervous.

Molly: You should be, Jacks. Cadel's done his homework.

Stewie: I'm nervous too.

Tour: Me too. I'm probably more nervous than all of you.

Jacks: You know what, in an ideal world we'd all be hanging out for Farky MacTaggart to win.

Tour: Why? Because he's a dog? That's racist.

Stewie: Worse, it's species-ist.

Molly: Farky MacTaggart. I went out with him once. He's cool. He's into Japanese literature.

Stewie: No kidding! So am I!

Tour: Me too! I love those comics.

Molly: Not the comics, lowbrow!

Tour: Wooo! Lowbrow am I? Who of you has read all of Don Quixote?

Stewie: Donkey who? Is that like Donkey Kong?

Jacks: Shut up everyone, and watch.

Molly: Who's on next? Hey, it's that old guy from Team Bumptious who did so well yesterday.

......

Gaius is getting ready for his time trial. Violetta and Le Bon David are encouraging him while watching him warm up.

Le Bon David: Now Gaius, you did extremely well yesterday. This is your chance to rise in the overall standings.

Gaius: Yes, from nearly bottom.

Violetta: Don't be defeatist. Have a mint.

Le Bon David: Mint? What sort of mint?

Gaius: They're hot mints. They buck you up. Thanks, Violetta.

He takes two.

Le Bon David: Violetta, I hope you are not taking advantage of the innocent nature of Gaius Plinius Secundus.

Violetta: As if!

Gaius: Of course she isn't. And thanks for the reminder David. It's not for nothing that I'm a proud Secundus!

Violetta: You're planning on coming second? You'd better have another mint.

Rest Day: Picnic with Professor Freud

It is the second rest day of the Tour. Team Philosophe, Team Bumptious, Belle et Bonne, Marie and Professor Freud have spread their picnic in a field of flowers outside Montpellier. All except Farky have already tossed down a few glasses of Blanquette de Limoux. Professor Freud is explaining the psychology of Yukio Mishima to anyone who cares to listen.

Professor Freud: Of course, it was all because his grandmother, a woman prone to morbid and violent outbursts, took him away from his family at a very young age, kept him out of the sunlight and only allowed him to play with his girl cousins and their dolls.

Belle et Bonne: You don't say! Here Professor, have a pebradou.

Professor Freud: Thank you my dear. What is this again? A stuffed bun?

Marie: No that's not the stuffed bun. That comes later. This is an aperitif cake. Have a splash more of Blanquette to go with it.

Le Bon David: I'll have more too, Marie. It's a jolly good drop.

Sweezus: This is brilliant! What a day! What a picnic! What's this yellow meat?

Farky: I already asked. It's Duck a la Limoux. Duck with saffron and garlic. Yucky duck.

Sweezus: But I thought you liked duck. Is it the garlic? You can eat a mint afterwards.

Gustave: Yes Farky, a mint will get rid of garlic breath.

Gaius: Yes it will, it's been a tried and true method since Roman times.

Farky: I know you humans think so, but it doesn't work for dogs. In fact, let me tell you something, it doesn't work that well for humans either....

Professor Freud: ....and then, when he went back to live with his family, his father, a strict military disciplinarian, used to hold him up to speeding trains, and raid his room to search for poetry. A classic case.....

Violetta: A classic case of what, Professor?

Professor Freud: Of someone who becomes fascinated by death of course.

Violetta: Who are we talking about?

The VeloDrone: Molly is it? The dachshund. May I try that Cremant, Belle dear?

Le Bon David: Me too, while you've got the bottle there, Belle.

Belle et Bonne: Molly isn't fascinated by death. She just got confused by the authorial voice.

Farky: Is that what it was? Did you and Marie think the same?

Violetta: The same as what?

Farky: That the text was written by a madman.

Violetta: I have to read this book.

Marie: We thought that it would have been best not to know anything at all about the author, either before or after reading it.

Violetta: Well, thank you Professor.

Professor Freud: What have I done? And when are we having this stuffed bun?

Stage 14: Saint-Gaudens to Plateau de Beille

There are six tough climbs in the Stage today, but at least two members of Team Bumptious have already exhausted themselves on the route to Lourdes, the day before.

Violetta: Come on guys, it was just a joke!

Gustave: It was no joke Violetta. The gendarmes were on our tail.

Gaius: Yes, and that wasn't all. We had to catch you up to try and prevent you from sploshing the shrine of Our Lady of Lourdes.

Violetta: Ha ha! As if I would really do that! But it made you go faster, yes?

Gustave: It did! But now look at us.

Violetta: Pooh! What slugs you two are!

She pedalled away.

Gaius: So, she wouldn't have done it.

Gustave: Maybe she wouldn't. But she must have already done something, since the gendarmes are after us.

Gaius: Yes, that's true. I wonder why they haven't caught up to us yet?

.......

Meanwhile Violetta had caught up to Sweezus and Farky, on the Col de Latrape.

Sweezus: Hi Violetta! Congratulations for yesterday! Where are the others?

Violetta: They've slowed down again. I'll have to come up with something else to get them moving. How are you two doing?

Farky: Wuh! Bike racing is hard for dogs.

Sweezus: It's hard for me too.

Violetta: It's meant to be hard. What's the matter with everyone?

Sweezus: Oh, I don't know. I'm not doing as well as I hoped. I wanted to win a stage, and I haven't even come close.

Violetta: It's not over yet. I didn't know you wanted to win a stage though. I thought you were just here to support The VeloDrone.

Sweezus: Oh that too. But I would like to make my mark in the world.

Violetta: I can help you there!

Sweezus: Really?

Farky: Don't listen to her!

Violetta: Why does nobody trust me?

Stage 2 - Les Essarts to Les Essarts

Why was Alberto Contador grinning yesterday, as he passed Team Philosophe? Was it because he had passed Team Philosophe?

That is not very likely.

Was it because he had spied Farky's customised panda racing hat?

That is a little more likely.

Was it because he has seen his most feared rival Sweezus bobbing around in the sea back at the Passage du Gois?

That is even more likely.

Or was it because he was unaware that soon he would be involved in a pileup that would lose him well over a minute at the end of the day?

He stopped smiling after that.

.....

It was day two of the Tour. The Team Time Trials. Team Philosophe was in a pickle.

The VeloDrone: What can we do? We have only four riders and it's the fifth rider's time that counts.

Le Bon David: What we usually do. Join up with someone.

Sweezus: If only Marie and Belle et Bonne were here.

Farky: But we don't need them. Let's ask Team Bumptious. They're in the same boat.

So they asked Gustave if Team Bumptious would consider teaming up for the time trials. Gustave conferred with his team.

Gustave: Well what do you say?

Gaius: I say let's do it.

Violetta: I say so too. That Sweezus is hot.

Gustave: No he isn't. Did you hear what he did yesterday? He stopped riding and went for a swim.

Violetta: So romantic!

Gaius: Tch!

A Strict Code of Conduct

They made it back to Norwood in record time.

Phewww! said Gustave. That was close!

I've never pedalled so fast in my life, puffed Gaius.

Exactly! said Violetta. See what you can do when you try.

You mean, when we're implicated in a criminal act, said Gustave, sourly.

Ah, but that's just it, said Violetta. You havn't committed a crime, and nor have I.

You lied? sad Gaius, amazed. You didn't tag the street art downstairs in the gallery?

No, what do you take me for? said Violetta. We street artists have a strict code of conduct, you know.

Wait a minute, what about that GUS! tag you scrawled all over the picnicking rabbits, (or goats)? asked Gustave.

Pooh! said Violetta. Photography is not as important as street art. Anyway it'll wipe off easily. And nobody knows who GUS! is anyway. Aren't you pleased to know how fast Team Bumptious can ride, when the pressure's on ?

I suppose so, said Gustave.

Yes, I suppose so too, agreed Gaius. Shall we have a coffee? We deserve one.

Alright, said Violetta. Who's paying?

Me, said Gaius. I'm enjoying today.

Not THAT Violetta

Combine the two? Gustave wondered what Violetta meant. He motioned Gaius to come over.

This is Gaius, he said to Violetta. And this is Violetta.

THE Violetta? asked Gaius.

Which one? asked Violetta.

Don't you know? asked Gaius, confused.

Of course I know, said Violetta. But I don't know if YOU know.

Well, said Gaius. My guess is you are not the famous Violetta with no arms and no legs, who worked in the music halls.

Because I have arms and legs, said Violetta?

No, because you are too plump, said Gaius.

Then, realising his mistake, he added, But you do have arms and legs.

And then, because he felt he had not yet put things right, he said, And you are not so very plump.

Well said, old friend, interrupted Gustave. But before you dig yourself any further into that hole, I should tell you Violetta is the newest member of Team Bumptious and will be joining us in our training regime tomorrow morning.

Very good, approved Gaius. So let us all now go home for an early night.

Gustave looked at Violetta.

Good idea, said Violetta. I'll meet you at Cibo's in Norwood at 8am, for coffee. Then, after we've ridden around for a bit, I promise to show you both something interesting. Good night, boys! See you in the morning.

She stood up and left the bar.

Gustave looked at Gaius.

That was your fault, he said.

Team Bumptious

Team Bumptious, I like it, said Gustave. Aggression, self aggrandisement, thrills and spills.

Thrills and spills, said Gaius. I don't know about that.

Bumps! said Gustave. Bumptious. Word play, don't you see?

Hmm, said Gaius. I have no intention of bumping into anyone, or falling off my bicycle. But Team Bumptious it shall be. Now we ought to go home and get an early night, so we can start practicing first thing in the morning.

No, no, said Gustave. Since this is our last night before we begin a strict training regime, I vote we make a night of it. Would you like another glass of red? And look, there's our plump lady sitting over there by herself.

He went over to reintroduce himself to the plump lady.

Hello again, he said, I believe we sat together at table 26.

Yes I remember, said the plump lady, what do you want?

To join you, said Gustave, with a twirl of his walrus moustache.

Why, am I coming apart? said the lady.

Ha ha, laughed Gustave. A sense of humour. I like that in a woman. I am Gustave Flaubert. And my friend over there is Gaius Plinius Secundus, he added, waving a finger vaguely in Gaius's direction.

My name is Violetta, said the lady. Are you THE Gustave Flaubert? And is your friend THE Gaius Plinius Secundus?

We are, said Gustave. And are you THE Violetta?

That depends on who you think THE Violetta is, said the lady. I like to think so. And I rather think that we three are going to be friends. What are you both doing tomorrow?

Unfortunately, we are beginning a strict cycling regime so our team will be ready for the Tour De France in July, said Gustave.

Oh! Would you like another member? asked Violetta. I could do with some exercise.

That is not quite what I had in mind, said Gustave.

It's not quite what I had in mind either, said Violetta. But perhaps we can combine the two.

The Twenty First Century

Your mistress! cried Gaius. What are you thinking of, Gustave? This is the twenty first century! You must reconsider!

Oh alright, said Gustave, who had already reconsidered. He sat down. What would you like to do now?

Let's go to the Lyrics Bar and have another drink, said Gaius. On you.

No, on you, said Gustave, standing up again. Those tickets were worth quite a lot.

They walked over to the Lyrics Bar and sat down at a table. Gaius ordered two cabaret cabernets, and a platter of cheese.

I really shouldn't be eating this cheese, said Gustave. I've been putting on weight lately.

Lately, scoffed Gaius. You've been portly for as long as I've known you. You should do more excercise.

I've been thinking of taking up cycling again, said Gustave.

Indeed? So have I, said Gaius. We should do it together.

Done! said Gustave. Let us begin first thing in the morning. Who knows, by next month we may be fit enough for the Tour de France!

The Tour de France, said Gaius, doubtfully. That's ambitious.

Yes, we could get up a team, what shall we call ourselves? Umm... What do you and I have in common?

We are both famous writers, said Gaius.

So we are, said Gustave. Very famous. But I am a serious novelist while your subject is outdated natural history.

What is that supposed to mean? asked Gaius, annoyed. I've been famous a lot longer than you.

Just saying, said Gustave. Don't mind me, old friend. Help me think of a name.

Team Bumptious, said Gaius.