They made it back to Norwood in record time.
Phewww! said Gustave. That was close!
I've never pedalled so fast in my life, puffed Gaius.
Exactly! said Violetta. See what you can do when you try.
You mean, when we're implicated in a criminal act, said Gustave, sourly.
Ah, but that's just it, said Violetta. You havn't committed a crime, and nor have I.
You lied? sad Gaius, amazed. You didn't tag the street art downstairs in the gallery?
No, what do you take me for? said Violetta. We street artists have a strict code of conduct, you know.
Wait a minute, what about that GUS! tag you scrawled all over the picnicking rabbits, (or goats)? asked Gustave.
Pooh! said Violetta. Photography is not as important as street art. Anyway it'll wipe off easily. And nobody knows who GUS! is anyway. Aren't you pleased to know how fast Team Bumptious can ride, when the pressure's on ?
I suppose so, said Gustave.
Yes, I suppose so too, agreed Gaius. Shall we have a coffee? We deserve one.
Alright, said Violetta. Who's paying?
Me, said Gaius. I'm enjoying today.
Showing posts with label Norwood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Norwood. Show all posts
Monday, June 27, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
The Delights of Cycling
My fault? said Gaius. What is my fault?
Talking about the music hall Violetta, with no arms and legs. No wonder she legged it.
Yes that was unfortunate, said Gaius.
It was! said Gustave, crossly. You have spoiled my intrigue with Violetta. She had suggested some sort of combination.
Nonsense, said Gaius. She merely wants to ride with us tomorrow and then show us something interesting. I wonder what it can be?
If she turns up in lycra, I know what it will be, said Gustave.
Tch!, said Gaius.
The next morning they met at Cibo's in Norwood. Violetta was wearing baggy shorts, and a loose fitting sweater, and wheeling a bicycle.
Is that your bicycle? asked Gustave.
Yes, is there something wrong with it? asked Violetta.
No, no, said Gustave. Only it isn't exactly a racing bicycle.
Don't you worry about that, said Violetta. I ride fast. And wait till you see what's in my wicker basket.
What? asked Gaius.
Later, said Violetta.
They drank their coffees and set off down The Parade, Gaius and Gustave trying hard to keep up with Violetta, who soon disappeared out of sight.
We've lost her, puffed Gaius. Now we'll never know what was in her wicker basket.
I'm beginning not to care, said Gustave, breathing hard.
Just then Violetta appeared, looking stern.
Just as I thought, she said. You two are not serious. Let us repair to a park bench and start on my picnic. After that, we are going to look at some graffiti!
Picnic! cried Gaius. How civilised !
Graffiti! said Gustave. How.....random.
Talking about the music hall Violetta, with no arms and legs. No wonder she legged it.
Yes that was unfortunate, said Gaius.
It was! said Gustave, crossly. You have spoiled my intrigue with Violetta. She had suggested some sort of combination.
Nonsense, said Gaius. She merely wants to ride with us tomorrow and then show us something interesting. I wonder what it can be?
If she turns up in lycra, I know what it will be, said Gustave.
Tch!, said Gaius.
The next morning they met at Cibo's in Norwood. Violetta was wearing baggy shorts, and a loose fitting sweater, and wheeling a bicycle.
Is that your bicycle? asked Gustave.
Yes, is there something wrong with it? asked Violetta.
No, no, said Gustave. Only it isn't exactly a racing bicycle.
Don't you worry about that, said Violetta. I ride fast. And wait till you see what's in my wicker basket.
What? asked Gaius.
Later, said Violetta.
They drank their coffees and set off down The Parade, Gaius and Gustave trying hard to keep up with Violetta, who soon disappeared out of sight.
We've lost her, puffed Gaius. Now we'll never know what was in her wicker basket.
I'm beginning not to care, said Gustave, breathing hard.
Just then Violetta appeared, looking stern.
Just as I thought, she said. You two are not serious. Let us repair to a park bench and start on my picnic. After that, we are going to look at some graffiti!
Picnic! cried Gaius. How civilised !
Graffiti! said Gustave. How.....random.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Not THAT Violetta
Combine the two? Gustave wondered what Violetta meant. He motioned Gaius to come over.
This is Gaius, he said to Violetta. And this is Violetta.
THE Violetta? asked Gaius.
Which one? asked Violetta.
Don't you know? asked Gaius, confused.
Of course I know, said Violetta. But I don't know if YOU know.
Well, said Gaius. My guess is you are not the famous Violetta with no arms and no legs, who worked in the music halls.
Because I have arms and legs, said Violetta?
No, because you are too plump, said Gaius.
Then, realising his mistake, he added, But you do have arms and legs.
And then, because he felt he had not yet put things right, he said, And you are not so very plump.
Well said, old friend, interrupted Gustave. But before you dig yourself any further into that hole, I should tell you Violetta is the newest member of Team Bumptious and will be joining us in our training regime tomorrow morning.
Very good, approved Gaius. So let us all now go home for an early night.
Gustave looked at Violetta.
Good idea, said Violetta. I'll meet you at Cibo's in Norwood at 8am, for coffee. Then, after we've ridden around for a bit, I promise to show you both something interesting. Good night, boys! See you in the morning.
She stood up and left the bar.
Gustave looked at Gaius.
That was your fault, he said.
This is Gaius, he said to Violetta. And this is Violetta.
THE Violetta? asked Gaius.
Which one? asked Violetta.
Don't you know? asked Gaius, confused.
Of course I know, said Violetta. But I don't know if YOU know.
Well, said Gaius. My guess is you are not the famous Violetta with no arms and no legs, who worked in the music halls.
Because I have arms and legs, said Violetta?
No, because you are too plump, said Gaius.
Then, realising his mistake, he added, But you do have arms and legs.
And then, because he felt he had not yet put things right, he said, And you are not so very plump.
Well said, old friend, interrupted Gustave. But before you dig yourself any further into that hole, I should tell you Violetta is the newest member of Team Bumptious and will be joining us in our training regime tomorrow morning.
Very good, approved Gaius. So let us all now go home for an early night.
Gustave looked at Violetta.
Good idea, said Violetta. I'll meet you at Cibo's in Norwood at 8am, for coffee. Then, after we've ridden around for a bit, I promise to show you both something interesting. Good night, boys! See you in the morning.
She stood up and left the bar.
Gustave looked at Gaius.
That was your fault, he said.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
POER FOREVR
Fortunately Pliny stopped choking of his own accord.
Are you alright? I asked, as soon as it looked as though the answer might be yes.
Yes, said Pliny. But perhaps we should not continue our conversation. I need to be quiet.
You be quiet then, I said. I'm going out.
It was true. I was going out. I was going to meet my mum at Burnside Village. First I had to decide what to wear. Burnside Village is not like Norwood. So I put on a teeshirt that had quite recently belonged to my daughter, until she realised she did not like it. On the teeshirt was a barely recognisable picture of a helicopter and some thumbprints, and the graffiti-like words : FOREUR, POER, FOREVR. That should work. With the baggy cargo pants.
I met my mum under the clock in the mall. She was sitting in an armchair looking at a screen flashing expensive things that you could buy in Burnside Village. Two old men were sitting there as well, reading newspapers.
Where shall we eat? said mum, standing up as soon as she saw me.
It was only half past eleven.
to be continued.....
Are you alright? I asked, as soon as it looked as though the answer might be yes.
Yes, said Pliny. But perhaps we should not continue our conversation. I need to be quiet.
You be quiet then, I said. I'm going out.
It was true. I was going out. I was going to meet my mum at Burnside Village. First I had to decide what to wear. Burnside Village is not like Norwood. So I put on a teeshirt that had quite recently belonged to my daughter, until she realised she did not like it. On the teeshirt was a barely recognisable picture of a helicopter and some thumbprints, and the graffiti-like words : FOREUR, POER, FOREVR. That should work. With the baggy cargo pants.
I met my mum under the clock in the mall. She was sitting in an armchair looking at a screen flashing expensive things that you could buy in Burnside Village. Two old men were sitting there as well, reading newspapers.
Where shall we eat? said mum, standing up as soon as she saw me.
It was only half past eleven.
to be continued.....
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Despondence
Despondence in the Team Gymnosophy camp! Gymnosopher Ten has not gained the ochre jersey at the end of Stage Four. To know why, we must return to Cibo's in Norwood yesterday morning, where Marie and Angel are chatting with Lance Armstrong over an expresso.
Lance Armstrong: So, hard answers eh? That's the wisest thing I've heard all week. If not all year. You are one smart cookie, Angel.
Angel: Thanks.
Marie: Ahem.
Lance Armstrong: Well, better be off, the race starts soon.
Marie: Hasn't it started already?
Lance Armstrong: No, that was the Community Challenge. They set off a couple of hours ago..
Marie: Oh dear. I must call my uncle. He and Gym Ten are riding in the wrong race!
Lance Armstrong: Hey, tough luck! I hope they get back in time for the start.
******
Stage Five, the next day, McLaren Vale to Willunga. Marie and Angel are riding at the front of the peloton. The Velodrone and Gym Ten are lagging towards the rear. Lance Armstrong is somewhere in the middle.
Angel: I can't help feeling responsible.
Marie: No, it was their own fault. They should have noticed that everyone was wearing yellow.
Angel: And looked like a different class of rider entirely.
Marie: Yes. They were too busy talking philosophy I bet. By the way Angel, can I ask you something? Do you answer all questions the same?
Angel: With hard answers? Yes.
******
Meanwhile, further back:
Lance Armstrong: And this guy said "Hard questions have hard answers". How brilliant is that?
Robbie McEwen: Man, that's awesome!
******
Meanwhile, even further back:
The VeloDrone: Don't look so grim.
Gym Ten: I feel like giving up.
The VeloDrone: Come, come, remember you are a Gymnosopher, and you are riding a magnificent bicycle, a gift from Alexander as a reward for your wisdom.
Gym Ten: Yes.......but I've lost the ochre jersey and now Angel is in front.
The VeloDrone: Exactly! So now, Gym Ten, it's time to use our noggins!
Lance Armstrong: So, hard answers eh? That's the wisest thing I've heard all week. If not all year. You are one smart cookie, Angel.
Angel: Thanks.
Marie: Ahem.
Lance Armstrong: Well, better be off, the race starts soon.
Marie: Hasn't it started already?
Lance Armstrong: No, that was the Community Challenge. They set off a couple of hours ago..
Marie: Oh dear. I must call my uncle. He and Gym Ten are riding in the wrong race!
Lance Armstrong: Hey, tough luck! I hope they get back in time for the start.
******
Stage Five, the next day, McLaren Vale to Willunga. Marie and Angel are riding at the front of the peloton. The Velodrone and Gym Ten are lagging towards the rear. Lance Armstrong is somewhere in the middle.
Angel: I can't help feeling responsible.
Marie: No, it was their own fault. They should have noticed that everyone was wearing yellow.
Angel: And looked like a different class of rider entirely.
Marie: Yes. They were too busy talking philosophy I bet. By the way Angel, can I ask you something? Do you answer all questions the same?
Angel: With hard answers? Yes.
******
Meanwhile, further back:
Lance Armstrong: And this guy said "Hard questions have hard answers". How brilliant is that?
Robbie McEwen: Man, that's awesome!
******
Meanwhile, even further back:
The VeloDrone: Don't look so grim.
Gym Ten: I feel like giving up.
The VeloDrone: Come, come, remember you are a Gymnosopher, and you are riding a magnificent bicycle, a gift from Alexander as a reward for your wisdom.
Gym Ten: Yes.......but I've lost the ochre jersey and now Angel is in front.
The VeloDrone: Exactly! So now, Gym Ten, it's time to use our noggins!
Friday, January 21, 2011
Norwood to Strathalbyn
Stage Four of the Tour Down Under, from Norwood to Strathalbyn. The VeloDrone and Gymnosopher Ten are well out in front. Gymnosopher Ten has the ochre jersey in his sights.
The VeloDrone: Will you wear it, if you win it?
Gymnosopher Ten: Yes, I think I will, but first things first. I need some Powerade.
The VeloDrone: I'll call Marie. ( He gets out his phone ). Marie! Send Angel up to the front with some Powerade, will you. What's that? Oh! Outrageous! Tell him to get a move on. And you too.
Gymnosopher Ten: What's up?
The VeloDrone: They're still in Norwood, drinking expressos.
Gymnosopher Ten: Ah the young....
The VeloDrone: Marie is not that young.
Gymnosopher Ten: Nor is Angel. And he's getting a bit up himself lately, I've observed.
The VeloDrone: How so?
Gymnosopher Ten: Resting on his laurels. Always same answer. Hard questions have hard answers. Yes, we KNOW. But the girls seem to love him.
The VeloDrone: Jealous?
Gymnosopher Ten: Just wait till I get that ochre jersey. I'll show you jealous.
The VeloDrone: Hee hee!!
The VeloDrone: Will you wear it, if you win it?
Gymnosopher Ten: Yes, I think I will, but first things first. I need some Powerade.
The VeloDrone: I'll call Marie. ( He gets out his phone ). Marie! Send Angel up to the front with some Powerade, will you. What's that? Oh! Outrageous! Tell him to get a move on. And you too.
Gymnosopher Ten: What's up?
The VeloDrone: They're still in Norwood, drinking expressos.
Gymnosopher Ten: Ah the young....
The VeloDrone: Marie is not that young.
Gymnosopher Ten: Nor is Angel. And he's getting a bit up himself lately, I've observed.
The VeloDrone: How so?
Gymnosopher Ten: Resting on his laurels. Always same answer. Hard questions have hard answers. Yes, we KNOW. But the girls seem to love him.
The VeloDrone: Jealous?
Gymnosopher Ten: Just wait till I get that ochre jersey. I'll show you jealous.
The VeloDrone: Hee hee!!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
"Be Carefull"
And we are not the only ones. Some nights when walking I push on the spring-loaded flaps of letterboxes with my finger to see how many are de-sprung. The answer is : so far, only one.
Not many of us are in a hurry to relieve postmen of personal responsibility for their own digits.
There is no doubt letterboxes can be dangerous. Not only for the postman, as you shall see. I have a letterbox story of my own which illustrates this very well. To relate this story I must take you back to February, 1998.
The story is recorded in my diary, which proves it to be factual, and here it is:
Tuesday 3rd February 1998
Last night, we saw these words written in felt pen on a row of letterboxes outside some flats in Queen Street, Norwood:
"Police are patrolling these letterboxes as faeces are being placed in some of the boxes so be carefull".
The message was placed on the road side. not the flats side, that is, it was on the delivery side and not the faeces recipients' side. This makes you wonder who is being warned to be "carefull". Is a watchful sympathiser warning the faeces dumper to keep an eye open for the police? It would seem so.
Not many of us are in a hurry to relieve postmen of personal responsibility for their own digits.
There is no doubt letterboxes can be dangerous. Not only for the postman, as you shall see. I have a letterbox story of my own which illustrates this very well. To relate this story I must take you back to February, 1998.
The story is recorded in my diary, which proves it to be factual, and here it is:
Tuesday 3rd February 1998
Last night, we saw these words written in felt pen on a row of letterboxes outside some flats in Queen Street, Norwood:
"Police are patrolling these letterboxes as faeces are being placed in some of the boxes so be carefull".
The message was placed on the road side. not the flats side, that is, it was on the delivery side and not the faeces recipients' side. This makes you wonder who is being warned to be "carefull". Is a watchful sympathiser warning the faeces dumper to keep an eye open for the police? It would seem so.
So there you have it, a salutory tale from 1998. Of course such things are less likely to happen these days.
It would be a foolhardy public nuisance indeed who would attempt to squeeze a turd through one of those spring-loaded flaps.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Heart of Darkness
Alas! I did not notice that my last blog post was my 500th. What would I have done? I don't know. Now for blog post 501.
Sigh..
What's the matter? asks Pliny the Elder.
I missed my 500th blog post, I reply, looking miserable.
What do you mean you missed it? says Pliny. You wrote one, didn't you? A fine piece of impressionist writing if I recall, about what it was like in Norwood the day after the election.
Did you really think it was fine? I ask hopefully.
Yes, says Pliny, definitely fine. And now you must get on with blog post 501.
You're right, Pliny, I say. But I have lost my sense of continuity.
Try going back to Norwood, suggests Pliny helpfully. You went there today, didn't you?
Yes, I did.
And what happened?
What always happens. When I go past Geoff Kurtze's Real Estate I always read his sign, which says Geoff Kurtze Real Estate.
And what happens then?
I think: Mistah Kurtz, he dead.
Astonishing. Why?
I don't know. It isn't even spelled the same.
As what?
As Kurtz.
I see. Am I missing something?
No, the name is.
What?
Missing an E.
No, says Pliny. I'm sorry. I don't get it. Did anything else happen?
Sigh..
What's the matter? asks Pliny the Elder.
I missed my 500th blog post, I reply, looking miserable.
What do you mean you missed it? says Pliny. You wrote one, didn't you? A fine piece of impressionist writing if I recall, about what it was like in Norwood the day after the election.
Did you really think it was fine? I ask hopefully.
Yes, says Pliny, definitely fine. And now you must get on with blog post 501.
You're right, Pliny, I say. But I have lost my sense of continuity.
Try going back to Norwood, suggests Pliny helpfully. You went there today, didn't you?
Yes, I did.
And what happened?
What always happens. When I go past Geoff Kurtze's Real Estate I always read his sign, which says Geoff Kurtze Real Estate.
And what happens then?
I think: Mistah Kurtz, he dead.
Astonishing. Why?
I don't know. It isn't even spelled the same.
As what?
As Kurtz.
I see. Am I missing something?
No, the name is.
What?
Missing an E.
No, says Pliny. I'm sorry. I don't get it. Did anything else happen?
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
The Minus Second Day of Christmas.
Now here's a coincidence for you, said Pliny the Elder, who seemed in a talkative mood.
Go on, I said warily.
Imagine, he said, that you are walking to Norwood to post some letters and do some Christmas shopping. You're just turning in to Webbe Street between the carpark and the Plaza. All at once you hear the strains of Christmas music drifting across from the Parade. There are buildings in the way so you hear only one choral phrase, and that phrase is ' Fall on your knees '.
Oh, I know that one! I said. Oh heeear the angel voiiices, oh niiight divine, ohhhh night, oh night deeevine!
Really, said Pliny. Is that how it goes? Well, I didn't hear any of that, it was cut off. But I was thinking, when I heard it, would it not be an amusing coincidence if one were to fall upon one's knees?
What do you mean, Pliny? In adoration?
Adoration? No. I mean if one were to accidentally trip just at that moment.
Well, I suppose it would if you did. But did you?
No, I merely hypothesised it.
I don't think there can be any such thing as a hypothetical coincidence, Pliny. That means at least one of the things didn't happen. So it can't be a proper coincidence. I do agree it would be funny though. As long as you didn't hurt yourself.
Funny indeed. In fact it is quite a funny song. What comes after 'Oh night deeevine'?
Oh-oh, niiight, when Christ was booorn, I crooned, pleased that I remembered it so well.
What night was that exactly? asked Pliny.
December the 25th of course, I replied.
Ah! said Pliny. The same night that Newton was born! Another coincidence!
Another hypothetical one, I muttered.
Go on, I said warily.
Imagine, he said, that you are walking to Norwood to post some letters and do some Christmas shopping. You're just turning in to Webbe Street between the carpark and the Plaza. All at once you hear the strains of Christmas music drifting across from the Parade. There are buildings in the way so you hear only one choral phrase, and that phrase is ' Fall on your knees '.
Oh, I know that one! I said. Oh heeear the angel voiiices, oh niiight divine, ohhhh night, oh night deeevine!
Really, said Pliny. Is that how it goes? Well, I didn't hear any of that, it was cut off. But I was thinking, when I heard it, would it not be an amusing coincidence if one were to fall upon one's knees?
What do you mean, Pliny? In adoration?
Adoration? No. I mean if one were to accidentally trip just at that moment.
Well, I suppose it would if you did. But did you?
No, I merely hypothesised it.
I don't think there can be any such thing as a hypothetical coincidence, Pliny. That means at least one of the things didn't happen. So it can't be a proper coincidence. I do agree it would be funny though. As long as you didn't hurt yourself.
Funny indeed. In fact it is quite a funny song. What comes after 'Oh night deeevine'?
Oh-oh, niiight, when Christ was booorn, I crooned, pleased that I remembered it so well.
What night was that exactly? asked Pliny.
December the 25th of course, I replied.
Ah! said Pliny. The same night that Newton was born! Another coincidence!
Another hypothetical one, I muttered.
Monday, June 1, 2009
First Day of Winter
It's really the second day of winter, but it's more like the first.
We set out to walk to Norwood as soon as the rain stopped. We aren't used to rain. We didn't think it would rain again while we were out.
Odd yellow leaves and stems had been added to the pavement. Yesterday's heaps were flattened into wet soggy maps.
Plane tree leaves stuck fast and dark mirror puddles reflected an upside down world of bare branches. The sky was the colour of whales.
The colour of ocean and the colour of spume.
We bought apples and tomato paste... we looked for cuticle oil.
And just as we were about to step out of the mall near the fish shop it started to rain.
We couldn't walk home. We don't like being thwarted. We made our way up The Parade shop by shop.
It didn't stop all the way home, but it became lighter and we got used to it.
Outside our house, the birdshit on the pavement was nearly all washed away.
We set out to walk to Norwood as soon as the rain stopped. We aren't used to rain. We didn't think it would rain again while we were out.
Odd yellow leaves and stems had been added to the pavement. Yesterday's heaps were flattened into wet soggy maps.
Plane tree leaves stuck fast and dark mirror puddles reflected an upside down world of bare branches. The sky was the colour of whales.
The colour of ocean and the colour of spume.
We bought apples and tomato paste... we looked for cuticle oil.
And just as we were about to step out of the mall near the fish shop it started to rain.
We couldn't walk home. We don't like being thwarted. We made our way up The Parade shop by shop.
It didn't stop all the way home, but it became lighter and we got used to it.
Outside our house, the birdshit on the pavement was nearly all washed away.
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